Top 50 Quotes From Kevin

Kevin: Don't you know a kid always wins against two idiots?

Kevin: [apprehensively] I made my family disappear.
[thinks back to family members saying bad things about him]
Megan: Kevin, you're completely helpless!
Linnie: You know, Kevin, you're what the French call "les incompetents".
Buzz: Kevin, I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.
Jeff: Kevin, you are *such* a *disease*!
Kate: There are fifteen people in this house and you're the only one who has to make trouble.
Frank: Look what you *did*, you little *jerk*.
Kevin: [gleefully] I made my family disappear.

Kate: Why don't you just sit up here for a while and think things over? When you're ready to apologize to Buzz *and* the rest of the family, you can come down.
Kevin: I'm not apologizing to Buzz; I'd rather kiss a toilet seat!
Kate: Then you can stay up here the rest of the night.
Kevin: Fine, I don't wanna be down there, anyway. I can't trust *anybody* in this family. And you know what? If I had my own money, I'd go on my own vacation. *Alone*. Without any of you guys. And I'd have the most fun in my whole life.

Kevin: Excuse me, where's the lobby?
Donald: Down the hall and to the left.
Kevin: Thanks.

Harry: [Yelling up to Kevin] Sonny.
Kevin: Yeah!
Harry: Nothing would make me happier than to kill you. Knockin' off a youngster doesn't mean a lot to me. But, since we're in a hurry, I'll make a deal with you. Throw down your camera, and we won't hurt you, you'll never hear from us again.
Kevin: You promise?
Harry: [Rubbing his chest with his finger] I cross my heart and hope to die.
Kevin: Okay.
Harry: Okay, kid. Give it to me.
[Then Kevin picks up a brick and tosses it down, hitting Marv and he collapses to the ground]
Kevin: Direct hit!
Harry: [Holds up his fingers] How many fingers am I holding up, Marv?
Marv: [Dazed] Uh, eight.
Harry: [to Kevin] Okay, kid. You wanna throw bricks, go ahead and throw another one.
[Kevin throws another brick and it hits Marv]
Harry: If you can't do any better than that kid, you're gonna lose.
Marv: Harry, no.
[Kevin throws down another brick, hitting Marv again]
Harry: You got anymore?
[to Marv]
Harry: C'mon Marv! Get up! He don't got anymore bricks. He's out of 'em.
[Marv points up and makes incoherent noises, signaling that Kevin is about to throw another brick]
Harry: What?
[Kevin throws the brick, and once again hits Marv]
Harry: That did it! Nobody throws bricks at me and gets away with it.
[to Marv]
Harry: C'mon Marv. Get up. You go this way, I'll go around back.
Marv: [Still Dazed] Harry. Harry. Harry.

Kevin: Buzz, I'm going through all your private stuff! You'd better come out and pound me!

Kevin: No offense, aren't you too old to be afraid?
Marley: You can be too old for a lot of things, but you're never too old to be afraid.

Check: Are you here all by yourself?
Kevin: Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here *alone*? I don't think so.

Harry: Sonny!
Kevin: Yes?
Harry: Nothing would thrill me more greatly than to shoot you. Knocking off a youngster ain't gonna mean all that much to me. Okay? But since we're in a hurry, I'll made a deal with you: you throw down your camera and we won't hurt you. You'll never hear from us again. Okay?
Kevin: You promise?
Harry: I cross my heart and hope to die.

Kevin: Everyone in this family *hates* me!
Kate: Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.
Kevin: I don't want another family. I don't want any family. Families suck!
Kate: Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.
Kevin: *I* don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. And I don't want to see anybody else either.
Kate: [softly] I hope you don't mean that. You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.
Kevin: No, I wouldn't.
Kate: Then say it again. Maybe it will happen.
Kevin: I hope that I never see any of you jerks again!

Kevin: [preparing to meet bandits and loading the rifle] This is it! Don't get scared now!

Kate: Kevin, get upstairs right now.
Kevin: Why?
Jeff: Kevin, you're such a disease.
Kevin: Shut up.
Peter: Kevin, upstairs.
Kate: Say good night, Kevin.
Kevin: "Good night, Kevin."

Kevin: This house is so full of people it makes me sick. When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone. Did you hear me?
[jumps up and down]
Kevin: I'm living alone! I'm living alone!

Harry: Where did he go?
Marv: Maybe he committed suicide.
Kevin: Down here you big horse's ass, come and get me before I call the police.

Harry: [Kevin was almost mowed down by Harry and Marv] Hey, hey! You gotta watch out for traffic, son. You know?
Kevin: Sorry.
Harry: Damn!
Marv: [to Kevin] Santy don't visit the funeral homes, little buddy.
Harry: Okay, okay. Merry Christmas.
[smiles; his gold tooth glistens; Kevin gasps]

Check: Are you here all by yourself?
Kevin: Ma'am, I'm eight years old. You think I would be here alone? I don't think so.
Check: Where's your mom?
Kevin: My mom's in the car.
Check: Where's your father?
Kevin: He's at work.
Check: What about your brothers and your sisters?
Kevin: I'm an only child.
Check: Where do you live?
Kevin: Uh, I can't tell you that.
Check: Why not?
Kevin: Because you're a stranger.

Kevin: Buzz! Your girlfriend! Woof!

[Kevin has just caused a scene in the kitchen and Buzz has him in a headlock]
Kate: Look, stop, stop! What is the matter with you?
Kevin: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose! He knows I hate sausage and olives and onions and...
Frank: [wiping dregs of soda off of his pants] Look what you did, you little jerk!
[the rest of the family stare irately at Kevin]

[climbing down the rope]
Marv: Harry, are you wearing aftershave?
Harry: That's not aftershave, Marv. That's kerosene. The rope is soaked in it.
Marv: Now why would anyone wanna soak a rope in kerosene?
[Kevin lights a match]
Kevin: Merry Christmas.
Harry: Go up!
Marv: Aaaah!

Kevin: Bless this highly nutritious microwavable macaroni and cheese dinner and the people who sold it on sale. Amen.

Kevin: [while watching "Angels With Filthy Souls"] Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish! You better come out and stop me!

Waiter: Two scoops, sir?
Kevin: Two? Make it three; I'm not driving.

Gangster: Who is it?
Pizza: It's Little Nero's, sir. I have your pizza.
Gangster: Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here.
Pizza: Okay.
[leaves the pizza on the doormat]
Pizza: But what about the money?
Gangster: What money?
Pizza: [matter-of-factly but sarcastically] Well, you'll have to pay for your pizza, sir.
Gangster: Is that a fact. How much do I owe ya?
Pizza: Uh. That'll be $11.80, sir.
[Kevin drops the money from the dog door]
Gangster: Keep the change, ya filthy animal.
Pizza: Cheapskate.
[starts to leave, but is stopped by Johnny's next line]
Gangster: Hey, I'm gonna give you to the count of ten, to get your ugly, yella, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead! 1, 2, 10!
[machine gun fire; the delivery boy dashes back to his car and speeds away]
Kevin: [opens the door and brings the pizza inside] A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.

Kevin: Did you have any kids?
Bird: No. Oh, l wanted them. But the man I loved fell out of love with me. That broke my heart. And whenever the chance to be loved came along again, I ran away from it. I stopped trusting people.
Kevin: No offense, but that seems like sort of a dumb thing to do.
Bird: I was afraid of getting my heart broken again. You see, sometimes you can trust a person, and then, when things are down, they forget about you.
Kevin: Maybe they're just too busy. Maybe they don't forget about you, but they forget to remember you. l don't think people mean to forget. l think it just happens. My grandfather says if my head wasn't screwed on, I'd leave it on the school bus.
Bird: I'm just afraid if I do trust someone, I'll get my heart broken.
Kevin: I understand that. l used to have this really nice pair of rollerblades. l was afraid if l wore them, l'd wreck them. So l kept them in a box. Do you know what happened?
Bird: No.
Kevin: I outgrew them. I never wore them once outside. l just wore them in my room a couple times.
Bird: A person's heart and a person's feelings are very different than skates.
Kevin: Well, they're kind of the same thing. lf you aren't going to use your heart, then what's the difference if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it'll be like my rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won't be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose.
Bird: A bit of truth in there somewhere.
Kevin: I think so. Your heart might still be broken, but it isn't gone. If it was gone, you wouldn't be this nice.
Bird: Thank you. Do you know that it's been... a couple of years since l've talked to anybody?
Kevin: That's okay. You're really good at it. You're not boring. You don't mumble or spit when you talk. You should do it more often. l think you just have to wear an outfit that doesn't have pigeon poop on it.
Bird: [laughs] l have been working very hard at keeping people away, haven't l?
Kevin: l always think l'll have a lot of fun if l'm alone, but when l'm alone, it isn't that much fun at all. I don't care how much people bug me sometimes, l'd rather be with somebody than by myself.
Bird: So what are you doing running around the streets on Christmas Eve on your own? Did you get into trouble?
Kevin: Yeah.
Bird: You've done something wrong?
Kevin: A lot of things.
Bird: Did you know that a good deed erases a bad deed?
Kevin: It's getting pretty late. l don't know if l'll have enough time to do all the good deeds l need to erase all the bad ones l did.
Bird: Well, it's Christmas Eve. Good deeds count for extra tonight.
Kevin: They do?
Bird: [nods] Of course they do. So what you must do now is you must think of the most important thing that you can do for others and go and do it. Just follow the star in your heart.
Bird: Okay. It's getting pretty late. I'd better get going.
Bird: [starts leaving] If I don't see you, I hope everything turns out okay.
Kevin: Thank you.
Kevin: Say goodbye to your birds for me.
Bird: I will.
Kevin: [looks at her] Merry Christmas.
Bird: Merry Christmas.
Kevin: If you need somebody to trust, it can be me. I won't forget to remember you.
Bird: Don't make promises you can't keep.

Linnie: Listen, Kevin, what are you so worried about? You know Mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway. You're what the French call "les incompetents".
Kevin: What?

Kate: [counting passports] 11, 12, 13... Where's Kevin?
Kevin: [appears in front seat and takes the last passport] Fourteen. It's a good thing I have my own ticket, just in case you guys try to ditch me.

Cedric the Bellman: You know, Herbert Hoover once stayed here on this floor.
Kevin: The vacuum guy?
Cedric the Bellman: No, the uh, President.

Kevin: It's a nice night for a neck injury.

Kevin: Excuse me, but this is an emergency. What city is it out there?
NY: It's New York, sir.
Kevin: [Gasps] Yikes, I did it again.
NY: Something's wrong, sir?
Kevin: [in shocked whisper] I'll be fine...

Mr. E.F. Duncan,: You see that tree there? Well, to show our appreciation for your generosity, I'm gonna let you select an object from that tree that you can take home with you.
Kevin: For free?
Mr. E.F. Duncan,: Oh, yes. Oh, and may I make a suggestion? Take the turtle doves.
Kevin: I can have two?
Mr. E.F. Duncan,: Well, two turtle doves. I'll tell you what you do: you keep one, and you give the other one to a very special person. You see, turtle doves are a symbol of friendship and love. And as long as each of you has your turtle dove, you'll be friends forever.
Kevin: Wow, I never knew that. I thought they were just part of a song.
Mr. E.F. Duncan,: They are. And for that very special reason.

Kevin: I went shopping yesterday.
Jeff: You? Shopping?
Kevin: I got you milk, eggs, and fabric softener.
Peter: No kidding. What a funny guy. What else did you do while we were away?
Kevin: Just hung around.
Buzz: He went shopping? He doesn't know how to tie his shoe and he's going shopping!

Kevin: Howdy do. This is Peter McCallister, the father. I'd like a hotel room please, with an extra large bed, a TV, and one of those little refrigerators you have to open with a key. Credit card? You got it.

Harry: [knocks on the back door] Merry Christmas, little fella. We know that you're in there, and that you're all alone.
Marv: Yeah, come on, kid, open up. It's Santy Claus... and his elf!
Harry: [snickers] We're not gonna hurt you.
Marv: Oh no, no, we got some nice presents for you.
[Below their heads, Kevin slowly pushes the barrel of the air rifle through the doggie door and takes aim at Harry's groin]
Harry: Be a good little fella now, and open the door.
[PING!]
Harry: [high-pitched] AAAAAAHHHHHHHHOOOO...
[Cursing fluently under his breath, he hops around holding his crotch, and falls to his knees]
Marv: What?
[Harry falls down, still groaning and cursing]
Marv: What? What happened?
Harry: Get the little...!
[Marv goes back and sticks his head through the dog door... and sees Kevin laying on his belly on the floor, aiming the air rifle right between his eyes. Marv smiles lamely]
Kevin: Hello.
[PING!]
Marv: AH! AHHH...!
[Marv falls back out of the doggie door, clutching his face]
Kevin: Yes! Yes! Yes-yes-yes-yes!
[He runs off to prepare the next trap]
Marv: The little jerk is armed!
Harry: That's it, that's it! I'm going round the front, you go down to the basement!
[He storms off, swearing under his breath]

Kevin: [to Santa's helper] This is extremely important. Will you please tell Santa that instead of presents this year, I just want my family back. No toys. Nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linnie, and Jeff. And my aunt and my cousins. And if he has time, my Uncle Frank. Okay?

Kevin: So give it a shot, for your granddaughter anyway. I'm sure she misses you and the presents.
Marley: I send her a check.
Kevin: I wish my grandparents did that. They always send me clothes. Last year I got a sweater with a big bird knitted on it.
Marley: That's nice.
Kevin: Not for a guy in the second grade. You can get beat up for wearing something like that. Yeah, I had a friend who got nailed because there was a rumor he wore dinosaur pajamas.

Kevin: This is my house, I have to defend it.

Kevin: Hey. You guys give up? Have you had enough pain?
Marv: Nevah!
Harry: [Shakes head at Marv]

Officer: [talking to Peter McCallister, and finding out that Kevin has the credit cards] We'll notify the credit card companies immediately. If you son has the cards, we can get the location on him, *when* and if he uses them.
Kate: No, I don't think Kevin even knows how to use a credit card.
[at the Plaza Hotel, Mrs. Stone puts the credit card into payment]
Kevin: [watching and whispering in bewilderment] Wow, it worked.

Mr. Hector,: I do hope your father understands that last night I was simply checking the room to make sure everything was in order.
Kevin: Well he was pretty mad.
Mr. Hector,: He was?
Kevin: He said he didn't come all the way to New York to get his naked rear end spied on.

Kevin: Hey, I'm not afraid any more! I said I'm not afraid any more! Do you hear me? I'm not afraid any more!
[Old Man Marley approaches Kevin and stares at him - Kevin runs back inside, screaming like a maniac]

Buzz: Okay, everybody, calm down! Calm down! Hey, hey! All right, now, if Kevin hadn't have screwed up in the first place again... Then we wouldn't be in this most perfect and huge hotel room with a truck load of all this free stuff. So I think it only fair that Kevin get to open up the first present. And then I'll go, and the rest of you, and so on.
[Tosses a package to Kevin]
Buzz: Merry Christmas, Kevin.
Kevin: Thanks, Buzz.
Peter: [the entire family applauds] Merry Christmas, Kevin.
Uncle: Okaaay, Kevin! All right, Merry Christmas!
Buzz: Okay, enough of this gooey sh... Show of emotion. All right, everyone, let's dig in!

Concierge: And how are we this morning?
Kevin: Fine. Is my transportation here?
Concierge: Out in front, sir. A limousine and a... pi-zza! Compliments of the Plaza Hotel.

Mrs. Stone,: I'm confused.
Kevin: I'm traveling with my dad. He's at a meeting. I hate meetings. Plus I'm not allowed to go in. I can only sit in the lobby. That's boring. So he dropped me off here. He gave me his credit card and told me to give this to whoever was welcoming people in so I won't get into mischief. And ma'am, sometimes I do get into mischief. We all do!

[Kevin is watching a video of an old gangster movie]
Gangster: [on TV] You was here last night too, wasn't ya?
Dame: [on TV] I was singing at the Blue Monkey last night.
Kevin: She was not, she was smooching with your brother.
Gangster: You was here. And you was smoochin' with my brother!
Kevin: See?

Kevin: Oh no. My family's in Florida, and I'm in New York...
[Gleefully]
Kevin: My family's in Florida... I'm in... New York?

Marv: Out the window?
[Harry starts climbing out onto a zip line]
Marv: I'm not going out the window!
Harry: What're you scared, Marv? Are you afraid? C'mon, get out here.
Marv: [Marv follows Harry and they start across the rope] Ohhh, let's go back. Let's go back, Harry!
Harry: Shut up, Marv!
Kevin: [Holds a pair of hedge shears to the rope on his end] Hey guys, check this out!
Harry: Huh, oh, go back!
Marv: Oh! Good!
[They start making their way back]
Marv,10984: [Kevin severs the rope and both of them drop] AHHHHHHHHHH!
[They slam into a brick wall and fall to the ground]

Kevin: You can mess with a lot of things, but you can't mess with kids on Christmas.

Peter: Hey Kevin, you better go put your tie on. We don't wanna be late for the Christmas pageant.
Kevin: My tie is in the bathroom and I can't go in because Uncle Frank is taking a shower. He says that if I walked in there and saw him naked, I'd grow up never feeling like a real man.
[Peter and Kate stare]
Kevin: Whatever that means.
Peter: [after a pause, chuckles] I'm sure he was kidding. Just, uh, run in there, get your tie, get out, and don't look at... Anything.

Kevin: I'm sorry, you wanted a tip.
Cedrick the Bellman: That won't be necessary, sir. I still have some...
[Shows Kevin a piece of chewed gum]
Cedrick the Bellman: tip left over.
Kevin: [takes out a bundle of cash] No tip? Okay.
[Kevin closes the door as Cedric repeatedly begs him not to close it]
Cedrick the Bellman: Uh, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait...

Cedrick the Bellman: Do you know how the TV works?
Kevin: I'm 10 years old; TV's my life.