Top 200 Quotes From Tales from the Crypt

Emmet: Damn! I hate these things. Hey, Nabonga. Want a peanut? Heh heh. What's the matter? Peanuts too good for you? HEY! I'm talking to you!

Crypt: Ho ho ho kiddies. Just your old pal The Cryptkeeper having a little fun. Why else would I be in this get up? Unless there was a clause in my contract. In fact I've got some Christmas goose for you, goosebumps that is. Yes indeed. A little terror chocked full of holiday fear. I mean cheer of course. So, get a gander in a yep yarn, that goes a little something like this. "'Twas the night before Christmas. And All through The House.

Dale: Well, look, y'know, I'm only doin' my job.
Jess: You don't want to see me do mine!

Geraldine: [runs out of the courtroom, sees the electric chair] What the hell? I thought this was the way out!
Austin: It *is*.
Geraldine: No!
[turns to run, is confronted by the ghouls]
Ghoul: Welcome back, dear, I had a feeling we might bump into you again.
Ghoul: And this time, you're gonna get what you deserve.
Geraldine: No! I'm not supposed to get the chair!
Ghoul: Have a seat!

Charlie: If I can't have you... nobody can!

Cathy: Sally, I just don't think I can go through with it.
Sally: Why not? Madame Vorma's been right about everything else, hasn't she?
Cathy: Yeah, but this guy, he's just too grotesque to look at. Let alone do. Jeez, he'd probably smother me.

[Grunwald talking to his mother portrait about Sheila]
Grunwald: What do you think, Mother? Prime piece of meat, yes? You jealous old bitch.

Niles: It's all a big food chain, we eat shit and shit eats us.

Sylvia: All I want is a simple answer to a simple question... what is happening to my face?
Doctor: Well, you're under a great deal of stress...
Sylvia: Oh, you figured that out? Look at me! 48 hours ago, I could have had any man I wanted, now I can't even get arrested! I'm 21 years old! What am I gonna look like tomorrow?

Inspector: [at the scene of a murder] I can see the tabloids now: 'Headless Girl in Topless Club'.
Inspector: That's rich. Ever think about a career in journalism?
Inspector: No. Too cutthroat for me.

Ghoul: [laughing] You're not scared, are you?
Geraldine: Who's there?
Ghoul: [walks up with a hole in his chest] Hell, this ain't scary. Scary is not being able to get a pacemaker because you sued the company into bankruptcy, and then having to spend my life savings on surgeries and stuff.
Ghoul: Or *dying* because you can't afford a doctor, because the doctor has to charge so much to pay for his malpractice insurance.
Geraldine: Who are you? What do you want?
Ghoul: Oh, a pound of flesh will do!
[laughs]

Cammy: Going somewhere?
Jimmy: I'm going to tear your head from your shoulders and stick out your throat!
Ford: Tell it to someone who cares! You can't kill us, we're already dead!
Cammy: He's right! Fight's over, Count Chocula! You can walk away peaceful, or in pieces! Your choice!

Wife: Merry Christmas, you son of a bitch!

Jess: [Norm has just said something his buddies consider ludicrous] Would you give me a break, Norm?
Aaron: Y'know, maybe they're right about masturbation, huh? Maybe it does rot your brain.

Cathy: Madame Vorma was wrong. I got the money and you didn't. I've had my last dose of Charlie Marno! And thank god!
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Cathy: I'm talkin' about you, you creep! I don't need you anymore. I'm movin' out! No more smellin' that stinkin' sewer you call a body! I'm outta here. Thanks for 3 months of nausea.

Madame: Vorma is right. Vorma is *always* right.

Janice: You know what they say about a man who does that to his ice, don't you?
Lokai: Yes. You can always count on him to lick the competition.
Lokai: Something like that.

[Talking about Shelia shoes]
Grunwald: You can learn a lot from a woman's shoes. Screamers usually wear spiked heels. Tight-assas pumps. I wonder how combat boots will fit in.

Lokai: Mr. Antoine.
Antoine: Mr. Lokai... Sleep safely.

Willa: Get out.
Tom: What?
Willa: Get out. My husband will be home soon.
Tom: I wasen't finished.
Willa: Ask me if I care.
Tom: How can you say that? Well, you told me I was special.
Willa: I lied. Go home.
[he sheepishly looks at her]
Willa: I love it when you beg.

Pawnbroker: That's the way she used to look... she used to be so beautiful... now I need other women's beauty just to keep her that way... small price to pay, I think...
Sylvia: Look, I don't know what kinda crazy voodoo shit you're into, and I don't really care! But, but, but, we had a deal, man! Look!
[tips her bag of valuables onto a table]
Sylvia: All that's worth more than a hundred thousand dollars! Now I want it back! Give it back to me! I want my beauty back!

Copard: Good evening, Mr. Sweeney. Nice of you to drop by for dinner.
Dale: Who the hell are you people?
Copard: Well, that depends. 'Til recently we were known as the infamous homeless killer. But now you may refer to us as the Grateful Homeless Outcasts and Unwanted Layaway Society.
Dale: Ghouls?
Copard: It's been so long since we've had fresh meat...

Crypt: GERONIMO!
[falls from the sky]
Crypt: So glad you could drop in, kill-seekers! Don't worry about me, it only *hearse* when I laugh!
[laughs maniacally and then groans in pain]
Crypt: Boy, that was good! It's even better than hang-gliding!
[laughs maniacally]
Crypt: Of course, some folks would rather keep their feet on terra firma, like the people in tonight's putrid piece. They're spending a nice, quiet weekend in the woods, going *hack* to nature!
[laughs maniacally]
Crypt: I call this fetid fable... Curiosity Killed.

Uncle: [Bobby dribbles a basketball] You keep messing with that ball, I'll bounce *your* balls right out of here.
Bobby: Sorry, Uncle Ezra.
Uncle: [points to a gurney] You can sleep here.
Bobby: Here?
Uncle: That's right, boy.
Bobby: [pause] Thanks, Uncle Ezra.
Uncle: Put some bedding on it, it'll be fine. You know, the righteous need the divine light to see the truth.
[turns out the light]
Uncle: Besides, electricity costs money. Leave the lights alone, boy.

Crypt: Thanks, pal, for nothing.

Margaret: [after rising out of her own grave] Where am I?
Logan: Where are you? Harry pronounced you dead! We had a funeral.
Margaret: Dead?
Logan: Yeah.
Margaret: A funeral?
[looking at hand]
Margaret: Oh damn, I broke a nail.
Logan: Forget your nails! You're alive!

Dale: Wait a minute, wait a minute, why me?
Robert: 'Cos you look hungrier than I do.

Charlie: Hey! Are you playing hard to get?
Cathy: No. Just try impossible to get.

Elaine: Help? Mr. Sweeney, you need burial.

Mr. Hertz: You play games with me. Rechek... He liked games. Only thing is. He lost.
Lokai: Well that's the difference between Carl and me. You see... I never lose.

Cathy: Keep your goddamn clothes! I'll never get your putrid odor out of 'em anyway! And I got plenty now, see, plenty. Plenty, plenty, plenty! I'll just buy new stuff, goodbye.

Charlie: Cathy, is that you?
Cathy: Yes it is! You fat, disgusting slob!

Elaine: I'm not gonna play this crap-game with you anymore. Will Sweeney show up, or is he too busy getting his oil changed?

Uncle: This tub of lard will start to stink in a couple of days, that's why we've got to embalm him. Pass me that tube over there. Cleanliness is next to godliness, don't you know? Hold this.
[hooks the tube up to the faucet]
Uncle: Get in there.
Bobby: Aren't you supposed to use chemicals or something?
Uncle: He's dead, you damn fool, he doesn't know the difference. Besides, those chemicals cost money. Just like it says in the Bible, a penny saved is a penny earned.
Bobby: Didn't Ben Franklin say that?
Uncle: [hits him] Don't you contradict me, boy!

Priest: I shall not even dignify what you're implying with an answer other than this: If I am to complete yet another book and keep pace with my lecture tours, I need another secretary.

Johnny: Leave. Her. Alone.
Emmet: I ain't hurtin' her. She's the dumb old gorilla anyway.
Johnny: I said leave her alone. She's got enough troubles without you teasing her.

Cammy: Ford, if they don't kill ya, I'm gonna do it myself!
Ford: Yeah, promises, promises... hey, be cool kids! Okay? Let's just be cool here! I'm a firm believer in the teachings of Buddha, and like the fat man always said; first come, first served!

Helen: [delivering lines in a TV commercial for "Ball Buster" perfume] What's your favorite part of a woman? The nape of her neck? The line of her back? Or the shape of her breasts? Or, just maybe, it's her mind. It may be a man's world, but that doesn't mean I have to take it lying down.

Charlie: Look, uh, I know you don't want to go out with me. But, uh, me, see, I'm the kind of guy... I just, uh, I just don't take no for an answer.
Cathy: Then how about never. Like no way. Not for all the money in the world.
Charlie: See, the thing is, you move me baby.
Cathy: Get serious. Allied Van Lines couldn't move you.

Lokai: You been listening to this?
Janice: Hard not to.
Lokai: What do you think?
Janice: About?
Lokai: WEREWOLVES.
Janice: That whole hair on the back thing has always been a turn-off for me. And you?
Lokai: Oh I dig a chick with a healthy 'fro... Wherever I can find it.

Prostitute: Did you pay me to talk, or listen to your life's story?
Vic: Shut up! Shut the fuck up! I pay you to be whatever!

Crypt: Poor Les! I know they say that college costs an arm and a leg, but this is ridiculous. Still, I think he'd have been happy to know that he was part of one last food fright.
[a skeleton hand hands the Crypt Keeper a piece of paper]
Crypt: Ahh, I see we reached a verdict. Members of the gory, do you fiend the defendant guilty or not guilty.
[pans over to show a jury of hanged skeletons]
Crypt: What do you know! A hung jury.

Madame: She heard correctly, didn't she, Trotsky?

Austin: I think we both should consider...
Geraldine: Yeah, well thank you, counselor, but I will be pleading guilty to this little ripoff and getting the hell out of this town.
Austin: No no no, I don't, no, I don't think you want to do that. This is a very strict town.

Cynthia: You're trying to kill me!
Jack: Here we go again! Another bitch fit!
Cynthia: Look at this shit! Rutabaga, bok choy, daikon, tofu, celery juice! Celery juice? This isn't food! It's leftovers from the compost heap!

Dudley: [showing the monster a picture of the wolf] This wolf must die, that is my will, I order you to kill,kill,kill,kill,kill!
Frankenswine: Heh heh, kill, heh heh, I will.

Crypt: From over seas and underworld, it's the Crypt Keeper Noose Network. Good evening crypts. In the news tonight, wolfman bites dog, vampires say life sucks, mummy takes the wrap after years in "de Nile," and illiterate zombies insist they're better dead than read.
[the Crypt Keeper than removes a dagger from his head]
Crypt: This just in.
[tosses the dagger aside]
Crypt: And our top story tonight is a nasty little soundbite about an ambulance-chasing lawyer whose about to bleed the toughest case of her life. I call it "Let the Punishment Fit the Crime."

Uncle: What you want, Clyde?
Clyde: Bye, Mr. Thornberry.
Uncle: Where the hell you think you're going? You got work to do.
Clyde: I ain't doing nothing. I'm quitting. Look, I know that nice young man didn't die in no *accident*, I know it. I can't prove it, but I *know* what I know.

Earl: You know what's worse than the goddam lawyers and the goddam judges? It's the fuckin' newspapers, man. They tried me in the press. They called me a sick, perverted sadist. That's just total bullshit. I didn't mutilate a single one of those girls until after they were already dead. 'Course, if they knew about the five I killed in Kansas, I'd still be on trial. God, aaaugh! Women! Aaaugh. You can't live with 'em, you can't fit more than one in a trunk at a time.

Dick: [backstage, while a baton twirler is singing 'Camptown Races'] Amateur night. Boy, you said it. Sounds like a cat in heat.
Billy: I think she's pretty good.
Dick: Big tits. That's the secret to amateur night. Always be sure you got big tits. Otherwise, you're sunk.

Santa: Naughty... or nice?

Jimmy: You ever tasted zombie blood? It's putrid! Like beer that's gone bad. One sip and you are shittin' your stomach linin' into the bowl!
Ford: I gotta hand it to ya, bloodsucker, you paint a pretty picture, trouble is, not one word of it's true!
Cammy: He's right! We're no different than you!
Jimmy: Blasphemy! Your kind are garbage eaters! Mindless, lazy critters who live off the flesh of the dead! You feast on what we vampires throw away! Now bow down to me, bitch and show your master some respect!

Cop: [referring to Sylvia's deformed face] Must be Alpo time, huh?

Jack: Cynthia, please! If you keep on like this you're gonna kill me!
Cynthia: Kill you? If I was going to kill you, I wouldn't do it with words. No, I would do it little by little. First, I would cut off your dick! Ah, what the hell, you haven't used the thing in 20 years!

Cammy: Ford.
Ford: What the hell ya been doin' all day, baby?
Jimmy: I think you mean who.

Cop: [referring to Sylvia's real, youthful face] With a face like that, who needs brains?

Duval: A word of advice, Red: Don't get old. There's no fun in it.

Lokai: I'm relaxing Carl, on your money. He hates losing, but he's so damn good at it.

Crypt: Oooh, talk about being "headed off at the pass." We've got a guest kiddies. Whoopi. It's a pleasure to meet you. I want you to know that I loved your movie "The Killer Purple."
Whoopi: That's "Color Purple," Crypt Keeper.
Crypt: Oh! Right, well. Um. Congratulations on winning that Academy Aweird.
Whoopi: Well thanks, but it's actually called an Academy Award.
Crypt: Whatever. Look, it's a pleasure to meet a big star like you.
Whoopi: Now you're a pretty big star. I mean I'd love it if you would be in my next film.
Crypt: Really.
Whoopi: [upon pulling out a machete] Yeah, it's just a bit part.
Crypt: I'm flattered.
Whoopi: But you don't know what bit I want.
Crypt: Well as long as I don't end up on the cutting room floor.
[laughs]
Whoopi: [upon pointing the machete at the Crypt Keeper] OK.
[the Crypt Keeper gasps as Whoopi raises both her eyebrows towards the viewers]

Dale: Oh God, Climsky?
Climsky: Don't mind me, Sweeney. I just stopped in for a scoop. I'm not really hungry. I'll just pick.

Inspector: Tell me something I don't know.
Inspector: I wish I could.
[this exchange is repeated several times as the story progresses]

Crypt: Well, headbangers, wasn't that one a real smash? I know it was for Ms. Kielbasa. As for Marty, he was right about that noise in his head. He probably wished he was deaf but he got death instead. Until next time, fright fans. Ears looking at you!

Elaine: Well, maybe you should buy an alcohol-powered generator, that way you could urinate into it every morning and have enough electricity for the whole day.

Mrs. Pritchard: How dare you behave in here like you do in school,

Jack: [while interrogating his murder suspect] Get me the tabloids. I've got a story they're gonna love: 'Innocent Hollywood Writer Decapitates Three Women to Get Ahead.'

Zambini: Where were you?
Connie: I had to get out. You were snoring like a fat stinkin' pig!
Zambini: Oh, how you abuse me! And on this, the night of our greatest triumph!

Mr. Byrd: No, no please, spare me. It wasn't my idea to report you. I tried to talk him out of it!
Billy: Freeze! Enough of this crazy shit! Show em' Verge! Show em we got ways of making em talk!
Virgil: Right, Billy!
[Vergil fires the shotgun blowing part of Mr. Byrd's face off]
Billy: You fucking idiot. Oh.
Virgil: He wouldn't tell us where the money is, would he?
Billy: Is he gonna tell us now? Huh? Is he? Is he? YOU FUCKING RETARD! AW, SHIT! JUST FIND THE MONEY! OK? YOU CHECK THE BEDROOM!

Lokai: Come on out, bitch. It's time to hula! You didn't really think you'd get away from me, did you?

Morty,: [dialogue in the ventriloquist act of Morty & Ingels] Look, if you're hungry, just order something. I hear the tongue sandwich is pretty good.
Mr. Ingles,: Well, I'll be very honest with you. I never eat anything that comes from an animal's mouth.
Morty,: Well, then, how 'bout some eggs?

Judge: So you were the lawyer that took down Medi-Heart.
Geraldine: Yeah, $56 million, not a bad payday.
Judge: Amazing.
Geraldine: Thank you.
Judge: That a jury could fall for such a load of garbage.
Geraldine: Hey, I proved my case, and my clients were victims of a callous medical establishment.
Judge: In 10 years' of use outside the laboratory the Cardi-Tark-7 Pacemaker never failed, ever.
Geraldine: Uh, that's irrelevant, we all know mechanical devices break. We provided the jury with a range of psychological proofs that the wares of the Medi-Heart pacemakers my clients burdened with that knowledge, suffered life shortening daily trauma.

Ford: The bank's just up ahead, I know it.
Cutter: Ain't here, mate.
Ford: Well I don't remember askin' you, assbag! Maybe you should pay more attention to the pecking order around here, huh?.

Cammy: Ford, don't be such a wanker! This isn't a good idea and you know it!
Ford: I don't know what a "wanker" is and I don't care. Look, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Whoever heard of puttin' a laundromat in a bank?

Bobby: How could you sell my shoes!
Uncle: Don't you raise your voice at me, boy! Look at you, you're nothing but a helpless cripple! What're you going to do with shoes? All you're doing is costing me money, you're nothing but a damned burden!
Bobby: Well you should've thought of that before hitting me with the crowbar! I ought to call the sheriff.

Crypt: Ah, a corpse by any other name would smell as sweet. Unless of course, it isn't dead yet.
[laughs]
Crypt: Tonight's tawdry tale is about a man who's gravely concerned about matters of life and death. Why he'd care about that remains to be seen.
[laughs]
Crypt: I call this putrid piece... "Abra Cadaver".

Niles: [talking about the electric chair] They say the electric current's so fast that the brain gets cooked just as soon as the switch is thrown... prisoner never feels a thing. Boy, I'd hate to think that was true.

Crypt: [in the show's intro, the Crypt Keeper is telling jokes as if in a nightclub act] How about that Ernest Hemingway, always shooting his mouth off!

Cathy: I loathe you, Charlie. Every day with you is like an eternity in hell!

Antoine: Good, then it's settled. We'll all stay inside and soon things will return to normal. Now, I have planned a marvelous weekend. Food, drink, entertainment. Pieter? Drinks for everyone. I love that color on you. It's going to be a festival, I promise you.
Lokai: Well done, Mr. Antoine.

Crypt: [upon pulling out a chef's eye] Next time I book a table for 8 o'clock, Wolfgang, I expect to be seated at 8 o'clock! Yes, a good whine. Not a great whine, but locally groan, that's for sure. A pleasant enough boo-que. Almost reminds me of a good scream sherry! I hope you brought your appetites, kiddies, because tonight's tasteless tidbit is something I'm sure you'll savor. It's a real epi-gorian delight about a nice young couple who find the restaurant business a little hard to swallow. I call this adventure in fine dying "What's Cookin"

Crypt: Tsk, tsk, tsk. And Carl thought he was the family's practical joker. Want to play doctor? Then, open wide and say
[screams, then laughs]

Austin: Hi, I talked to the judge. Well we hit him on a good day. He's agreed to decrease the sentence to misdemeanor public nuisance.
Geraldine: Decrease it? Okay, fine fine, what's it gonna cost me?
Austin: Ten.
Geraldine: All this bullshit for ten bucks? Here keep the change.
Austin: Not ten dollars, Miss Ferrett, ten lashes. They can flail you now and you can be on your way, as soon as you regain consciousness of course.

Crypt: Well, looks like old Ezra learned that raising a teen is no walk in the graveyard. Now he's gonna need one of his cheap coffins for himself. That's what he gets for having a name like Ezra. As for Bobby, he got a pretty nasty case of athlete's foot, didn't he? I mean I heard of footloose, but yikes! I guess the next best thing to making a goal is becoming a ghoul. Right, kiddies?

Lou: Death was just full of surprises!

Elaine: Now look, I don't wanna have to call security. What am I saying? I'd love to call security.

Crypt: Hello... how are you? I'm Fearest Gump. Hi, care for a shockolate?
[shows a man that looks like Alfred Hitchcock near him]
Crypt: You sure? My mummy always said: life is like a box of shockolates, you never know what you gonna get... Some times you get a fudgescream, sometimes you get nuguts...
[two people walk by the Crypt Keeper]
Crypt: Know what else mummy said? She said: scary is as scary does. Which brings to mind the man in tonight's terror tale. He's just dying to get out of the mess he's in... literally! It's a little piece of horrid candy I call: You, murderer.

Do: Something happened. A while ago, I made someone unhappy.
Nick: A guy?
Do: How'd you guess?
Nick: There's always a guy in these stories.

Cathy: And you want some advice, Charlie? Eat a salad once in a while... and take a bath!

Crypt: I don't know about you kiddies, but I was glad to see the Wolf hit one out of the pork. Still an hour from now, he'll be hungry again and bacon for more.
[pans out to show a man tied up on the Crypt Keeper's desk]
Crypt: You'll be happy to know creeps that it looks like that opening I told you about has been filled... once we hammer out a few creative stifferences that is.
[hits the man on the head with a hammer]

Crypt: There you are sportsfiends. You know dead people like me make excellent point guards. When we can't get off a shot, we simply pass... away that is. Speaking of which, allow me to be your fearleader for tonight's half-time show. It's a putrid playlet about my personal favorite sport... being a mortician. I fittingly call it Fitting Punishment.

Crypt: [Crypt Keeper sitting in an electric chair] God, what a revolting development. And what a switch for poor Talbot. It just goes to show what happens when you get too caught up in your work.
[Crypt Keeper pulls switch on electric chair and starts cackling as he's zapped]
Crypt: Don't worry though, I'm sure he never knew "watt" hit him hahahahahahahaha. So remember boys and girls, safety first
[turns electric chair on again and cackles more then goes into a coughing fit]

Cammy: I'm tired, Ford. I want out.
Ford: There is no way out. Face up to it, we belong together. You gonna tell me why? You know the answer, tell me.
Cammy: 'Cos we're zombies...
Ford: That's right. Ghouls... the walking dead... whatever you want to call us, we're no longer part of the world out there. The living can't be trusted.
Jimmy: Neither can the dead!

Crypt: Tonight's little riff is ripe with sex, death and rock & roll. Now that's entertainment! You'll meet a putrified promoter of pop with an ear for a hit. I don't want to kill it for you. Let's just say we come into the story just when his career is getting real... hot.

Steve: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Liz: He forced me, he made me!
Ted: Mrs. Dixon is lying sir, she came in here and seduced me!
[Mr Dixon then knees him in the chest]

Crypt: That Cynthia's a real shrieking violet, wouldn't you say, kiddies? A regular afterlife of the party!
[laughs maniacally]
Crypt: Didn't know I was a bore scout, did you? Well I am! My horrorticulture scareit badge requires me to plant croak-uses. Hmmm... A shame, really... I'd much rather plant... diebrids!
[laughs maniacally]

Molly: That can't be very satisfying, demolishing a dormant vegetable. Or are pumpkins fruit?
Carl: Excuse me... I thought I was alone.
Molly: Obviously. Got quite a temper, Carl. And that girlfriend of yours, she's got a set of lungs on her like Voice of America.
Carl: Ex-girlfriend.
Molly: Oh. Right. I got that.
Carl: Look, it's, uh, y'know... I'm just... uh... I'm not like she says... uh, I, I... certain wrongs, deserve certain justifiable actions.
Molly: I don't disagree.

Cathy: Al, look at this guy who just walked in. Jesus, is he huge!
Al: Which guy?
Cathy: Which guy? How can you miss him? He's so big he probably has his own ZIP code.
Al: Oh, you mean the full-sized guy? Not your type, huh?
Cathy: I don't even think he's my species!

Wolf: [Frankenswine grabs the wolf by the throat] Oh Mr. Monster don't eat me oh please, I forgot to mention my horrible skin disease!
[points at his flea bitten tail]
Wolf: Hey that rhymed.

Uncle: Let me tell you about the mortuary business, boy. Like it says in the Bible, God helps the mourners for they are blessed.
[pries open the corpse's mouth and yanks out a gold tooth]
Uncle: And God also helps those that help themselves.

Joey: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Theodore: I don't know.
Joey: Kids don't eat broccoli.
Theodore: That's a good one.

Crypt: [as he is drawing himself a picture] Oh... Hi there fright fiends. How do you like my rancid rendering, not bad for an amateur. Hopefully it will give you an inkling of what tonight's fungusy photo-play is about because long before my eerie offerings appeared on your silver screen, they were a magazine called, get a load of this, "Tales From the Crypt." So tonight, let's take a behind the screams look at a struggling artist named Jim Korman who one day got a little too drawn into his work.

Jonas: Are you running some kind of luxury resort for every flea-bitten parasite that trips across my doorstep? What's that dog eating? A steak?

Jimmy: Zombies! You can stick your dick in 'em, but you wouldn't wanna feed on 'em!

Raven: Shit... real smooth! You keep that shit up and you ain't gonna last another night out here!
Sylvia: Yeah? Well what makes you think I wanna last another night out here?
Raven: Look, girlfriend, what else you think you got the right to be, huh?
Sylvia: Hmmm...
[Sylvia points across the street, where Ronnie is seen exiting his limo and entering his apartment with a woman]
Raven: Oh, well, well, well, well, well! If it isn't Mr. GQ! I tell ya, for the rich, every night's a party night!
[Sylvia continues to stare and smirk]
Raven: Dream on, honey! 'Cos ain't nobody invited you!
Sylvia: What's she got that I ain't got?
Raven: Him!
Sylvia: Not for long, she don't...
Raven: Oh, right and I'm from Missouri, honey, show me, hmmm?
Sylvia: You check this shit out!

Robert: I need you to write an article.
Dale: What about?
Robert: I ain't no killer! The only thing I am is hard up.
Dale: If you're not the killer, then who is?
Robert: Ah, if I told you what's goin' on you'd think I had a kink in my slinky. Tomorrow they're having their first planting at the Grateful Homeless cemetery.
Dale: Cemetery?
Robert: Go there. Hang out 'til sunset. You'll see... do it and I'll spill the rest like a fuckin' floodgate. I'll even throw in a few names!

Parker: It's gonna take a lot more than a lesbian vampire biker-whore to ruin my day.

Bobby: What's all this Chinese writing on the box?
Uncle: Made in Taiwan, you dummy. Half the price of US made. They're 6 inches shorter you know. The Taiwanese are smaller people, and I can use the coffins for most folks, no one knows the difference. And I charge full price.

Crypt: [as he is rocking a baby] Aw... There, there. Isn't he just so cute that you want to... Oops. Crypt Keeper here kiddies and speaking of kiddies, tonight's sickening saga should be subtitled a "Tale from the Crib." Yes, dear fans I've got a real nursery crime for you this time. It's all about the humble beginnings of my favorite horror hero. So call the babysitter and break out the barf bags as I narrate a nauseating novella with a very special place in my heart. I affectionately call this one "Lower Berth."

Molly: Oh, I tell ya... you could light a pack of Luckies between my thighs...

Abel,: [the TV goes out at a crucial point in her soaps, so she calls the repairman] Hi. I'm Abel, with the cable.
Janet: [almost overwhelmed by his studliness] I'm sure you are. Ah-hah. I mean, Hi! Come in. I'm glad you're here, 'cause "Tomorrow" starts in an hour.
Abel,: What?
Janet: My story... "There's Always Tomorrow". It's a soap opera.
Abel,: [seeming to pick up on her attraction to him, he delivers seductively] So where do you want it?
Janet: Huh?
Abel,: Your box.
Janet: Excuse me?
Abel,: The cable box. Where do you want it?
Janet: Well, I need it more than once. I mean, I need it in different rooms. I mean, can you do it in the bedroom, too?
Abel,: No problem.
Janet: Great. Heh. Great. Ehhh, will it take long?
Abel,: Nah. I run a line in from the street, do the first installation, bing, bang, boom. The second one usually takes longer. But it's more fun, if you know what I mean.
Janet: Uh-huh.
Abel,: [he picks up two ends of cable] Now. Male... into female.
Janet: Input...
Abel,: Output. Finished. You're all hooked up.
Janet: Y'got... quite a tool there. It's huge.
Abel,: It's not the size of the tool, ma'am. It's how you use it.
Janet: You certainly know how to use it. How many installations have you done in one day?
Abel,: Fifteen. My Phillips did so much screwing, I thought the tip would fall off.
Janet: [in a whisper] Oh, God.

Crypt: Ah, there you are! You're just in time! I'm trying a few new recipes from my new Betty Croaker's cookbook. I hope you like shish-ka-bob... damn! It isn't ready yet! Bob's still moving!
[laughs maniacally]
Crypt: Tonight's foul feast will begin with mashed potatoes, then onto some shrieking duck and finished with a nice kill-basa. I call this tasty tidbit, Mournin' Mess.

Cammy: If I ever see that bloodsucking rodent again, I'm gonna break both his wings!

[last lines]
Luden: [as the soap his wife is using starts melting her skin] There are over a dozen kinds of acids in animal parts including hydrochloric acid... Think about it... Would you want the stuff to digest the food in your stomach... To be the same stuff you use on your face?

Sheila: Well, who the hell died and made you king?
Grunwald: In the land of the blind, even the one-eyed man is king.

Sylvia: What is this? Let's Make a fuckin' Deal? Gimme the watch, or don't you see where I'm at?

Crypt: You know, I kind of feel sorry for Lou. Surely, there's got to be an easier way to get an Oscar. I hope my story didn't scare you too much Mr. Hitchcock. Actually, I'm a very big fan of yours. If you want, you can tell me a story.
[pans over to see Mr. Hitchcock's skeleton being pecked by crows and then pans back to the Crypt Keeper]
Crypt: Hmm, I guess he knows the pecking order now.

Inspector: White woman, white killer. Statistics show most mass murderers kill within their own ethnic group.
Inspector: Jack tell you that?
[Jack is the police department's expert on serial killers]
Inspector: Yeah.
Inspector: What about Jeffrey Dahmer?
Inspector: Jack said Dahmer was different. He killed outside his ethnic group, but he only ate the people he liked.

Earl: Move bitch.

Grunwald: Bruno, Shut up. If you're that hungry, dig up Mother in the garden.

Crypt: Well, Psyche can work that old black magic on me anytime she wants.

Willa: [to her husband] What are you doing home in the middle of the day?
Luden: I need to talk to you about the shareholders' luncheon tomorrow
Willa: Oh, great, because I have just finished with the last set of designs and...
Luden: [cutting her off] I'm afraid we're not gonna be able to use your stuff.
Willa: What? Why not? You don't like them?
Luden: No, no. It's not that.
Willa: Damn it, Luden! I created an image for your stupid company. You know, I turned it around! I think you owe me!
Luden: Well, it's just business.
Willa: Then, treat it like a business! Test the damn things! I have worked around the clock for five days straight, I think you could do a regional test, something!
Luden: No! I'm sorry. But we've just closed a deal on an up-and-coming new artist. He's- He's very hot right now and we're lucky to have him.
Willa: Who is it?
Luden: His name is Renaldo Escuarita.
Willa: What?
Luden: Renaldo Escuari... You know him?
Willa: He's a graffiti artist! Luden, I have studied. Do you understand me? Studied! My whole life for this!
Luden: Now, Willa, calm down.
Willa: How dare you do this to me?
Luden: I'm not doing anything to you. Look, it's not the end of the world. You can do your own work full-time now.
Willa: Oh, yeah. Who's gonna buy my paintings, Luden? You?
[she slaps him]

Geraldine: [sees a man dragged away screaming in terror] What was that about?
Purdy: Courtroom B. The judge is supposed to be real hard.
Geraldine: So what're you up for?
Purdy: Felonious auto sales.
Geraldine: What, you sold somebody a hot Studebaker?
Purdy: No, I turned the odometer back on a car I sold a guy.
Geraldine: [sarcastically] Well that ought to get you 10 years.
Purdy: I hope so. This is a very strict town.

Crypt: Heads, I win. Tails, you *ooze*!

Crypt: Poor Diggs. Here today, leftovers tomorrow. Boy, talk about flipping someone the bird. Personally, I'm with the buzzards except I like my meat a little more well done. Cook 'em, Danno.

Mitch: "Thou Shall Not Covet My Neighbor's Wife"
Devlin: She's not your wife
Mitch: She will be
Devlin: what about "Thou Shall Not Kill"?
Mitch: [thinks about it then shrugs] Fuck It

Twin: [after seeing Emmet look at them naked in the shower] Emmet!
Emmet: I just won me a bet!

Cathy: I've spend 3 months with this slob because of you! It's insane! It's crazy! He's never gonna inherit any money! He's just a fat, penniless pig and that's all he'll ever be!
Madame: So... the honeymoon is over?
Cathy: You don't get it, do you? Look, I'm through with the both of you! I mean, I'm not wasting any more of my time or my money, I'm finished, done, it's over! You're just... you're just a jerk! A phony! Stupid! Y'know what, it's garbage, just garbage!

Geraldine: [dragged to her flailing] Get your hands off me! Let go!
[comes upon Dreyfus, sobbing with his back to her]
Geraldine: Oh what are you crying about!
Purdy: [turns around with a bloody hole in the middle of his face] They cut off my nose!

Uncle: The human body is one big cesspool. Food goes in, shit flows out, and blood flows all around.

Crypt: I suppose it's a little too late for Gaston to save face! Talk about a flesh in the pan.
[laughs]
Crypt: I guess that's what happens when you butcher money where your mouth is.
[laughs]
Crypt: As for me, kiddies, I say it's time for taps. Mmmm. 'Til next time, restaurateur in peace.
[laughs]

Talk: Welcome back. We are talking to the hottest artist on the scene today, Renaldo Escuarita. Renaldo, when did you first make the transition from doing graffiti to more serious artwork?
Renaldo: Hey, I don't use the "G" word," because that's like vandalism, you dig? I'm an urban guerilla artist. It's like, the city is my canvas, man. I'm just working on a smaller scale now. Bam!
[holds up a painting of his work]
Renaldo: I call it "Welfare Cheese."

Todd: [housewife tries seduction on her would-be killer] Mrs McKay, just, y'know, stop that. I've got a job to do, you've got a job to do. Your job is to die, my job is to kill you.

Crypt: Well, how's that for a sappy ending. Was it a little too graphic fort you? Oh, well. Next thing you know, Jim and his new gal pal will be walking down the easeI together. I guess he learned that life imitates art after all. As for poor Mildred, she learned that death imitates art too. Maybe if she'd been nicer to him, she wouldn't have ended up a monsterpiece.

Fulton: Are you sure that you're doing the right thing, sir?
Carlton: What do you mean, Fulton?
Fulton: [referring to Linda] Well, how can you be certain that she will fall in love with you, even after you make these... changes?
Carlton: Because I love her, and love conquers all.
Fulton: Love can also be blind, sir. I just pray that you aren't the only one it conquers.

Crypt: That Grunwald, one little problem and he goes right to pieces. At least now we know what's really eating him.
[Crypt Keeper laughs]

Liz: [narrating] Snaz and Artie and the boys had found what I spent years looking for, hunh, a cure for a terminal case of boredom.

Charlie: Actually, I'm, I'm pretty light on my feet.
Cathy: Yeah? I wish you were light on my feet.
Charlie: Sorry?
Cathy: I said you're such a delight to meet.

Billy: Ice cream... how fuckin' original!

Crypt: Mmm... pretty tasteless, wouldn't you say? I guess in the end Mr. Sweeney learned not to go *digging* in other people's business. Although you'll be happy to hear that he's found himself a new career... as a ghostwriter!
[laughs maniacally]
Crypt: So, still hungry for dessert? I hope you like cannibal soup... it's mmm-mmm good!
[laughs maniacally]

Dr. Oscar Charles: Hurry up! He's starting to stiffen up!
Betty: That's more than he ever did for me!

Ford: "Wankers"... sounds like some fuckin' breakfast cereal to me... "Wankers"!

Crypt: [looking into a mirror] Mirror, mirror, on the wall... who's the *fearest* of them all?
[the mirror shatters and the Crypt Keeper cackles]
Crypt: Looks like I just bought 7 years' bad luck! Speaking of bad luck, it's time for another nasty little terror tale from my crawly collection... and this one's got a message, too. It's a story about greed, death and a girl, who learned that beauty... is Only Sin Deep!
[laughs maniacally]

Charlie: I know I'm a... I'm a little overweight...
Cathy: A little overweight? Yeah, and Hitler was a little anti-Semitic. And Eisenhower's a little bald. And the Pope's a little Catholic.

Dale: I need an assignment, Tillman.
Elaine: You must be joking. I'm gonna have to hire somebody to come in and clean up the mess you made just walking in here.

General: My son is not yellow!

Dudley: [Arriving home] Hello brothers dear I'm back with the beer
[discovers their murdered bodies]
Dudley: Auuugh!
[calls the police]
Dudley: Hello police when I came home and I opened the door there was blood on the ceiling and chopped off hands on the floor!
[Drinky's severed hand twitches and gives him the finger]
Dudley: I think the wolf did it, that shifty old tramp, there's blood all over the place, the gore is still damp!, my god there's intestines strung round the lamp!, the address on my house is Pig #3, Jesus Christ there's a severed head on the tv!, be quick, be quick, please hurry here be quick, I think I'm going to be violently sick!
[vomits and passes out]

Crypt: [while dressed as a motorcycle cop] Good evening, felons. Time to assume the position, if you know what I mean, and prepare for another assault and battery on your senses. Tonight's steamy saga is about a nice young man with a very bad attitude. In fact, it's positively criminal. I call this little game of chops and clobbers "Carrion Death."

Crypt: [sobbing] Oh, sorry, kiddies. But that story just makes me go to all pieces. Ah Ha Ha. I was a cute little terror tyke though wasn't I. As for Enoch and Myrna, I guess you figured out by now where I get my good looks. Old Two-Face was my daddy and the mummy was my mommy. Ha Ha Ha.

Crypt: I look into the future, my darlings... and for you, I see something... grotesque. It will sicken and disgust you! It's me!
[laughs maniacally]
Crypt: Tonight's tale is a sickening stab at suspense, about a gold digger who wanted big bucks to buy baubles and bangles. Look out, Cathy! I see you might just buy the big one!

Frankenswine: [after Dudley attempts to kill him] Little pig, little pig stop stabbing my head, you can't kill what is already dead!

[last lines]
Dr. Carl Fairbanks: [coroners are doing his post-mortem unaware his brain and senses are still alive] Ah... here it is at last... my autopsy... goddamnit Martin... you were right... you were right about it all... except for one thing... the sense of touch it isn't the first sense to go IT'S THE LAST!

Charlie: Cathy, I love Chinese food, except, for one thing...
Cathy: You feel like eating again 20 minutes later?
Charlie: [roars with laughter] How did you know that?

Sylvia: Raven! you're freelance now, honey!
Raven: No shit!

Crypt: [after cutting someone's ear off with a pair of scissors] Shave and a haircut, two bits!
[laughs hysterically]

Cathy: Who's the real guy? You gotta tell me!
Madame: That is the real guy! He's the one you will marry, the large man, I told you. I see everything. He is the one who will inherit the fortune after you're married. But listen, I told you, shortly after you are married he will die a violent death, I told you that! But... don't worry about it, have an Animal Cracker, eat. Trotsky swears by them!

Crypt: [flies buzz then get zapped by a bug zapper] Aww, poor little fellas. When I think of their childhood, all those cute little maggots hahahahaha. Our story is about a man with nobler ambitions. He likes to kill human pests and he does it in front of an audience. Now that's entertainment hahahaha. So hang onto your hats kiddies, this one's a real shocker.

Cynthia: You miserable bastard! I hope it hurts worse than it looks! You want to know the first thing I'm going to do? I'm going to find myself a real man, a young one, with balls... and money!

Danny: So what's the deal with your eye, man?
Farouche: [lifts up eyepatch] This? This was payment for a tattoo I did for Baby Doc when he was running Haiti. He didn't like the story his body had to tell, so he took out my eye with a salad fork.

Cynthia: How does it feel?
[Jack, Harry and Lucille, after drinking the youth potion, buckle over in pain]
Cynthia: I thought I'd... improve the recipe. I, I put a little vodka in it.
Lucille: No, no! You shouldn't do that!
Cynthia: Oh, but I did! But only after saving some of the pure stuff for myself.

Pimp: How 'bout you, sweet thing, hm? Pretty girl like you... could use a manager, you hear where I'm at?
Sylvia: Yeah, well don't do me no favors, honey...
Pimp: Yeah, uh,
[grabs Sylvia]
Pimp: just talkin' business, sweet thing.
Sylvia: I'm gonna say this once, you touch me again and I'll shoot your dick off!
Pimp: Well you listen up, little girl! This is grown-up time out here, you wanna have an attitude, you might need some protection, yeah... pretty girl like you, could get ugly *real fast* with an attitude. You hear where I'm at, *sweet thing*?

Carlton: I want to look like I'm thirty years old.

Bobby: I'm Bobby. Your nephew. Your sister Ruby's kid.
Uncle: Who? My sister Ruby? Well you can tell that no good sister
Bobby: She's dead, Uncle Ezra.
Uncle: Oh really, how?
Bobby: Well, she got in a head on collision on I95, killed my daddy too.
Uncle: Head on, huh? Messy I bet, that's good for business. Charge a pretty penny to make their loved ones look presentable.

Robert: Nice place you got here. Makes the street look like the fuckin' White House.

Crypt: Firing squad! Present arms! Hello creeps. I was just about to fire off tonight's deadtime story. It's about a young soldier who doesn't want to be in the army anymore. I can't imagine why not! I mean war's a great opportunity destroyer.
[chuckles]
Crypt: Now, where was I? Oh yes! Ready! Maim! And here's my favorite part. Fire!.
[shoots a book off the shelf as it opens up on the table]
Crypt: I call tonight's tale "Yellow."

Crypt: Poor Sylvia, eh, kiddies? Guess she heard the old saying, "if looks could kill"... so she did! Haha! Just goes to show ya, if you wanna sell yourself, take a look in the mirror, first.
[the Crypt Keeper looks at his own reflection]
Crypt: Eurgh! Well, see you next time, boys and ghouls!
[laughs maniacally]

Longtooth: Have you had any dental work in the last 72 hours?

Gary: In spite of all her success, my mother was just a greedy, hateful, wretched, old, shriveled up bitch! I hope you're in hell, Mother, because that's what you made my life!

Red: Red Knight takes Black Queen!

Judge: You're charged with the illegal solicitation of services in this court, how plead you?
Austin: We plead not guilty, by reason of temporary insanity. Your client, My Honor is...
[takes cards out and reads them]
Austin: Your Honor, my client is the actual victim here. As a child she was psychologically abused by her entire family. She repressed these horrors until recently, and this inner turmoil made her act irrationally on the occasion in question.
Judge: [laughs] What a load of... guilty as charged. You ready for sentencing?
Geraldine: Is that your strategy? Are you crazy?
Austin: I believe you used the same defense yourself on a number of occasions, I guess I just did not do it right, I am sorry.
[power flickers as a man is heard screaming while electrocuted]

Ronnie: Who are you?
Sylvia: Don't you recognize me, lover? I'm the girl of your dreams.

Charles: I don't remember seeing you in here before.
Vicki: Come here every night or something?
Charles: Oh, I told you, I'm a reporter. I'm on the crime beat. Murder, rape, robbery. So, I come here a lot on business. Hey, maybe I should do an interview with you. Hah. What's your story?
Vicki: You know my story. I'm pretty.

[last lines]
Earl: [to an approaching vulture] No I'm Not Dead... I'M NOT DEAD

Sylvia: I want it back, here's my ticket, the 10 grand plus 12%.
Pawnbroker: You didn't look at this too careful, did ya? I told ya, the time limit was 4 months. 4 months from this day is the 4th. Today's the 5th.
Sylvia: You son of a bitch!
Pawnbroker: I'm sorry.
Sylvia: Okay, how much?
Pawnbroker: You missed the deadline, lady!
Sylvia: I know I missed the fuckin' deadline! If you wanna mark it up, mark it up! Just tell me how much?

Mitch: [shoots Devlin in the shoulder] Was that the shoulder she cried on?
[shoots him in the other shoulder]
Mitch: Or that one?
Mitch: [frantically shooting at a now undead Devlin Cates to no effect] I Killed You Goddamit I FUCKING KILLED YOU
[flees as a grinning Cates follows hot on his heels]
Mitch: [last lines]
Mitch: [as he is buried alive] No I'm Not Dead... What Are You Doing?
[voice becomes muffled by all the dirt in his mouth]
Mitch: Don't... Don't
[as he is pushed down into the ground]
Mitch: NNNOOOOAAAA

Ronnie: D'you think it's a little rude to slap the host and leave without sayin' goodbye?
Sylvia: Thank you very much, Mr. Price, you have a lovely apartment. G'night...
Ronnie: Wait! I don't know the first thing about you. At least tell me why you came.
Sylvia: I haven't... yet. Look, we're both playing games, you know it and I know it. Truth is, you *do* know the first thing about me. You knew the second I walked in the room, the second I walked through that door... I'm the girl of your dreams, right?
Ronnie: You wanna get out of here?
Sylvia: Thought you'd ever ask.

Roger: [sees an old axe] Ah, you like weapons? It so happens that that axe was used during the French Resolution to chop off heads.
Norma: Really? Can I touch it?
Roger: Sure. See all those notches on the handle? Fifteen. One for each hit.
Norma: Is this for real?
Roger: [laughs] As far as I know, it's just an axe.

Gaston: It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and we're all just different flavors of Alpo.

Mr. Hertz: Heard you asking for me at lunch.
Lokai: No, not me. I was looking for a big sweaty dumb-fuck with a bald head.

Crypt: I guess Martin finally learned his lesson. No guts, no gory!
[the Crypt Keeper laughs as it shows him tied up to a tree]
Crypt: Well, gut to go kiddies. It's time for my shots.
[turns the guns onto himself]
Crypt: Fire!
[the Crypt Keeper sets off the guns that shoot him as he chuckles upon not being harmed by the bullets]
Crypt: Yes, yes, oh yes. Boy I get a bang out of that.

Carl: Listen, uh, not to be rude or anything, but, uh... what are you? I mean, the costume?
Molly: I'm a bodybag. I thought the invitation said "come as you are".
Carl: W-well, how are you a bodybag?
Molly: A synthetic shell with a corpse inside.
Carl: Oh yeah... well, you look... pretty lively to me...
Molly: Yeah, well... don't we all? I better hit the road, before I lose what little mind I have left. The creeps will be coming back in here any minute and I am *so* weary of being hit on.

Mitch: [In Jamaican accent] One thing about my ganja, I tell you, it won't go kill you.
[laughs]

Crypt: Finally, the kid gets the upper hand... or should I say, the upper paw. Just when Mom and Pop were about to satisfy their sweet tooth, Theodore decides to wolf down something besides sweets!
[laughs]
Crypt: Well, that's all for now, kiddies. As one cow said to the other as they headed off to slaughter, "'til next we meat!".
[laughs]

Billy: Damn, if that ain't the spittin' image of Doc Holliday.
Cornelius: The lawman?
Billy: Lawman! He was a low-life bounty hunter 'til he caught up with me in Yuma, and I put a hole right through that tin star of his.
Cornelius: You mean he's deceased? Are you sure?
Billy: 'Course I am, 'cause I'm the one who deceased him.

Crypt: [to the vampire] Hmm, "Son of Dracula." "Return of the Son of Dracula." "The Son of Dracula's Revenge!" Is that all you can do? Vampire movies! I'm afraid that's not good enough. You'd have to be a bite more versatile to be on the frighting staff of "Tales from the Crypt."
[the vampire turns into a bat that flies away as the Crypt Keeper notices the viewers]
Crypt: Oh, hello creeps! As you can see, we got an opening for a story deaditor. I've been conducting chop interviews all morning. No one seems to get what I'm looking for! Oh well, let's see who's next.
[pulls a book towards him]
Crypt: Interesting, a brother team. Grimm. I think I've heard of them. This has potential boils and ghouls. it's a twisted kind of gorytelling about three scaracters you may recognize... at first. It's called The Third Pig.

Crypt: This is your brain.
[puts his right hand over the brain on a plate]
Crypt: This is your brain on drugs.
[places the brain on a frying pan as it then cuts to another brain on a plate]
Crypt: And this is your brain after watching "Tales from the Crypt."
[strikes the brain with the hammer as it pans up to show the Crypt Keeper]
Crypt: Evening creeps. We interrupt your regularly scheduled terrorvision program to bring you a bit of culture. That's right kiddies. Tonight instead of rotting your grave matter, I'm going to improve it with a tasteful tale about someone who just can't fright the feeling. I call it Werewolf Concerto.

Crypt: [upon reading "Oliver Twist"] ... What? So where's the twist? And I had such great expectations. Ah, now here's a story you can sink your teeth into. A toothsome tale of tommyrot guaranteed to scare the dickens out of you! Lean in, fright fans. I'm going to let you in on "The Secret."

Dale: You sure you don't want a bite?
[offers his burger to Jess]
Jess: I don't eat meat.
Dale: Oh god, you're not one of those, are you?
Jess: Not exactly...

Armed: Drop it, bitch!
Cammy: Bitch?!
Ford: Shit...
Cammy: Who the *hell* do you think you're talking to?
Ford: No!
Armed: Drop it, or he's dead!
Cammy: In your dreams! I'm gonna wear your ears on a fackin' necklace, kato!
Armed: Don't call me kato, bitch!
Cammy: Then don't call me bitch, kato!

Cathy: Madame Vorma's a dumb bitch.
Reporter: What?
Cathy: Uh, uh, it's a thrill to be rich!

Crypt: Talk about trial and terror. Still, I think Geri will do just fine. I mean aside from the occasional attack of motion sickness. And now it's time for business news. So Chip, what happened on the shock exchanges today.
[the Crypt Keeper sees a dagger on the back of Chip's dead body as he spurts blood]
Crypt: Oh! Oh sorry, looks like it's time for the spurts report instead.
[laughs]
Crypt: Oh boy!

Crypt: [In the closing narration, after the wife screamed at the evil Santa Claus who was holding an axe] Well, how was that for a scream boys and ghouls? Oh, don't worry about little Carrie. This particular Santa preferred older women... in pieces, that is.
[laughing]

Cathy: Say, Charlie...
Charlie: What?
Cathy: Have you heard from your uncle? Y'know, the rich one, at the factory, yeah?
Charlie: Nah, why would I hear from him? He's out West, with his family.
Cathy: Family? Goddamnit, Charlie! Why didn't you tell me he had family?
Charlie: What's the big deal?
Cathy: Big deal? Are you nuts? Are you outta your fuckin' mind? You crazy? What's the big deal? It's only my goddamn fuckin' future, that's all! Shit!

Liz: Going somewhere?
[narrating]
Liz: He was so easy. Men always are. Even the ones who always want to be on top just love being seduced.
[Spoken]
Liz: Is it something I said or did? You know, Ted, when my husband found that glove, I just didn't know what to tell him. I swore to God I didn't know anything. But he just wouldn't believe me.
Ted: Mrs. Dixon, please.
Liz: Come on Ted, I'm not asking for much. If I have to, I'll tell him whose glove it is. Is that what you want?
[She forcefully kisses him]
Ted: I can't do this.
Liz: Sure you can. It's easy. All you gotta do is close your eyes and lay back. I'll do all the hard work.
Ted: It's not right.
Liz: Fuck what's right.
[Liz and Ted passionately kiss]
Ted: I want you so bad, Lizzie. You want me, don't you?
Liz: Oh, God! Yeah! Was this what you wanted? Was this what you wanted?
Ted: I can't believe this.
[Liz moans]
Ted: You're unbelievable. You want it. You want it so bad don't you?

Lou: I had decided that this wasn't hell. Hell couldn't possibly be this stupid.

Longtooth: In the mouth, over the fangs, away with the hunger pangs!

Cammy: I thought you said this beautiful borough had a bank?
Ford: Shut up!
Cammy: How sweet, Ford! D'you French kiss your mother with that mouth?
Cutter: Nice one!

Cammy: What did you call me?!
Jimmy: A name. Worthy of your species... dog!
Ford: Hey! You're gonna regret that!
Cammy: Bitch!? That's what I thought you said! Kiss my zombie arse, motherfucker!

Molly: I don't do overtures. The curtain stays up or stays down.

Reno: Of course you gotta think. Thinking's the fun part of it. Thinking about it. Thinking about what's gonna happen. Listen to that little wheel of fortune click and turn into place when you ease back the hammer. Feeling that metal get warm against your skin. Wondering what it's gonna be like to feel your brains blown out through the side of your head. Wondering what comes after, if anything, or black. Wondering if youre gonna scream. What do you think, Sam? You gonna scream? Yeah, you will.

Officer: Long time no see.
Andy: You going to Chicago?
Officer: Yep, case I'm working on, i can't really talk about it.

Charlie: I love married life.
Cathy: It's rich, isn't it?