Top 50 Quotes From John Lithgow

Baudelaire: Farewell, remember me...
Master: What, aren't you coming?
Baudelaire: My crown has passed into thy hands. I shall darken the stage no more. The grave awaits! I shall live out my days in the old Actor's Home, gumming the occasional pudding.
Master: But...
Baudelaire: No, go!
Master: But!
Baudelaire: No, go!
[they mouth the same exchange once more, silently]

Travers: Tucker and Walker! We're missing 3 bags.
Gabe: What's in them?
Travers: None of your fucking business!
Eric: Suits, socks, 100 million dollars - the usual stuff.

Reverend: If our Lord wasn't testing us, how would you account for the proliferation, these days, of this obscene rock and roll music, with its gospel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality?

[after taking a female hostage]
Earl: Pork, back off or else she's gonna need a paper bag over her head when her boyfriend fucks what's left of her!

Megyn: Just to be clear. I will not be kissing Trump's a** at nine o'clock.
Roger: We fight tomorrow's fights tomorrow.

Reverend: I'm standing up here before you today... with a very troubled heart. You see, my friends... I've always insisted on... taking responsibility for your lives. But, I'm really... like a first-time parent... who makes mistakes... and tries to learn from them. And like that parent... I find myself at that moment when I have to decide. Do I hold on... or do I trust you to yourselves? Let go and hope that you've understood... at least some of my lessons. If we don't start trusting our children... how will they ever become trustworthy? I'm told that the senior class at the high school... has gotten use of the warehouse in Bayson... for the purpose of putting on a senior dance. Please... join me to pray to the Lord to guide them in their endeavors.

Vi: [embracing] Shaw?
Reverend: What?
Vi: We're almost dancing.

Jerry: So, Saturday night? Time to cut loose, right? Who wants to split a beer?
Barney: Oh, we're not drinking here. Tonight, we're going big. Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's club Was, there's Wrong...
Marshall: Um, those places shut down a long time ago.
Barney: Oh no...
Marshall: Oh No shut down too.
Ted: There's Where.
Jerry: Where's Where?
Lily: Where's where Was was, isn't it?
Barney: No, Was wasn't where Where was, Was was where Wrong was, right?
Jerry: Ok...
Ted: Not OK, that place is lame.
Robin: OK is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar... or is that wrong?
Marshall: That's Wrong. That's not wrong.
Barney: Guys, focus.
Robin: Oh, I like Focus! Let's go there.
Ted: Where?
Robin: Not Where. Focus!
Lily: I thought Focus was closed.
Barney: No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it re-opened as Closed.
Marshall: So Closed is open.
Robin: No, Closed is closed.
Jerry: I don't know! 3rd base, right?

Lord: Mirror, mirror, on the wall / Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic: Well, technically, you're not a king.
Lord: Ah, Thelonius?
[Thelonius the Executioner smashes a small looking glass]
Lord: You were saying?
Magic: [nervous] Er, I mean you're not a king YET! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess...
Lord: Go on...

Jerry: [Jerome "Jerry" Whittaker sees Barney try to dismantle a basketball hoop over his driveway] Barney, what is going on?
Barney: This is *mine*.
Jerry: I don't understand.
Barney: JJ gets a childhood, a dad, a real family, and a basketball hoop? No, no, I at least get the hoop, I'm taking it with me.
Jerry: Please, just come down and talk to me.
Barney: [Angry] Why? Why should I? You're lame, okay? You're just some lame, suburban dad.
Jerry: Why does that make you so mad?
Barney: Because if you were going to be some
[agitated]
Barney: lame, suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for *me*?
Jerry: Look, Barney, I know I screwed up.
Barney: Oh, "screwed up" doesn't even begin to describe what I've been through...
Jerry: I know, I know, I KNOW! I want to fix this and I don't know how! Please, tell me what I can do! I'll do anything!
[Barney continues trying to remove the hoop, Jerry briefly goes back inside and returns with a tool box]
Jerry: You'll never get it down like that.
[gives screwdriver to Barney, who hits hoop with it like a hammer]
Jerry: No, Barney, Barney! Put the pointy end into the grooves. That's it, now turn it. Righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.
[Barney begins unscrewing]
Jerry: I have no good excuse, Barney. It took me years before I was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way I let you down. It took courage to send me that letter. More courage than I've ever had. I owe you a lifetime of apologies, and I, I just... I have no idea where to begin.

Qualen: You want to kill me, don't you, Tucker? Well, get a number and get in line.
Qualen: [reminding him of killing two of the treasury agents mid flight] You Crossed Over Richard Travers... You Can't Cross Back

Kynette: [Matheson shoots one of their comrades]
[holding his fellow groaning cohort]
Kynette: Oh Man He's Hit Bad
[looks at Eric]
Kynette: What Do We Do?
Eric: [flippantly] Get Him To A Hospital
[exasperated]
Eric: FAST
[shoves said accomplice to be sucked out of the plane to his death far below]

Jerry: You got to meet the right girl. Who knows? Maybe you'll meet her tomorrow.
Barney: Maybe I've met her already.

Eric: [Richard Travers having been shot repeatedly and frozen to death in the icy water]
[over the radio]
Eric: Travers Come In
[now irritably]
Eric: Travers... Come... In
Hal: [to Gabe as he pulls out a radio] Compliments Of Delmar
[gloatingly into the radio]
Hal: Too Late Qualen You Missed Him
[watches Travers rapidly carried away under the ice by strong currents face frozen in disbelief]
Hal: He *Decided* To Take A Swim To *Arizona*
Eric: [spits] TUCKER
Hal: [smugly] Ttthhhaaattt'ssss Rrriiiggghhhtttt
Eric: [coldly over the radio] Congratulations

[the jet is about to make an emergency landing after they screwed up]
Eric: Don't bother to buckle up - you may not want to survive this.

Ariel: I'm no saint you know. I'm not even a virgin.
Reverend: Don't you talk like that here!
Ariel: Why not? Isn't this where I'm supposed to come to confess my sins to my preacher? In CHURCH! I ask to be forgiven! Am I?

[Nick Styles approaches a car driver that almost ran him down, and suddenly sees it's Blake]
Nick: Jesus Christ.
Blake: Almost.

Eric: [to Tucker after Gabe has apparently been swept off the mountain during an avalanche] Your friend just had the most expensive funeral in history...

Magic: [telling Lord Farquaad about his bachelorettes] So, just sit back and relax, my Lord, because I'm about to give you today's three eligible bachelorettes.
[the mirror shows images of Cinderella]
Magic: Our first bachelorette is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot-tubbing any time. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Let's hear it for Cinderella!
[changes to images of Snow White]
Magic: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the Land of Fantasy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her frozen, dead lips and find out what a live wire she is. Give it up for Snow White!
[changes to Princess Fiona]
Magic: And last but not least is a fiery redhead who lives in a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by a boiling lake of lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing: Princess Fiona! So, who will it be? Bachelorette #1? Bechelorette #2? Or Bachelorette #3?
[Farquaad's advisors start calling out their choices, with Thelonious saying "#3"]
Lord: Uhhh, Number 3!
Magic: Lord Farquaad, you have chosen... Princess Fiona.

Eric: Give me the monitor
[Travers slides it to Qualen, he looks and shows Enter Frequency Code]
Eric: What's the code Travers
Travers: I told you Qualen, 50,000 possible key code combination in 15 second intervals
Eric: So what's the fucking code

Qualen: I must say, you're a real piece of work.
Gabe: I must say, you're a real piece of shit.

Charles: Oh, he's a smart one, isn't he?

Soldier: Anyone willing to stay and fight, step across this line. Anyone who doesn't stay... well, we won't think you're a coward or a deserter or a chicken or anything like that. On the other hand, we won't be building any monuments to you, either, because after all you did sorta chicken out like a coward or a deserter or something.

- the administration wants me to repeat Plant Pathology. Which sucks.
- But they said I could start
- Advanced Agriculture a year early.
- All right, I got to go, Dad.
- Hope you're safe up there.
Donald: Um, sorry, Coop.
- I asked Murph to say hi, but she's as stubborn as her old man.
- I'll try again next time.

Baudelaire: Oh, sweet angel of death, kiss me on the cheek whilst your blade of deathly death doth deaden me...

Jerry: [Telling a story] ... So then all the county judges started shouting "More Quiche, More Quiche!"

Eric: Kill a few people, they call you a murderer. Kill a million and you're a conqueror.

Nick: You killed Farris, didn't you?
Earl: You killed my life.
Nick: So, now we're even, is that it?
Earl: [scoffs] We're not even close.

Lord: [to his knights] The winner of this tournament - no, no, the privilege - will have the honour of rescuing the beautiful Princess Fiona from the fiery pit of that dragon! Should the winner fail to return, the runner-up shall take his place, and so on and so forth... Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

Ariel: [Shaw is busily typing in his den, Ariel is in the next room over, studying... Shaw is playing classical music in the background] Daddy? I don't know what came over me.
Reverend: You know I can't always be with you, Ariel. I can't always look out for you.
Ariel: [getting up and walking to the den] What's the music?
Reverend: [preoccupied] Oh, it's uh, I think it's Haydn. A chamber piece.
Ariel: And that kind of music is OK?
Reverend: [somewhat defensive] Well, it's uplifting... it doesn't confuse people's minds and bodies.
Ariel: I don't...
Reverend: [annoyed] What?
Ariel: I see.
Reverend: [he calls out to her after she leaves the room] Listen, could you tell your mother to go on to bed? I still have a lot of work to do down here.
Ariel: I will.
[she re-enters the den]
Ariel: Daddy?
Reverend: [not looking up] What is it?
Ariel: [disheartened] Good night.
Reverend: Good night, honey.

[During the theft of the money, Travers zip lines from one plane to another]
Eric: Why didn't you send the money first?
Travers: Somehow I didn't think you'd wait for me if I sent it first.

Earl: I'm gonna do something far worse than kill you. I'm gonna let you live.

Vi: None of this is going to undo one stupid accident.
Reverend: I'm responsible for the spiritual life of this community.
Vi: Shaw, you can't be a father to everybody. You can't do that.
Reverend: I thought that at least *you* believed in me.
Vi: [whispering] I never stopped.

Hal: [Kynette opens fire on the BASE Jumpers] You son of a bitch! You said you wouldn't kill him!
Eric: Sue me.

Parole: The parole board's ready, Blake. I hope you remembered to floss.
Earl: I did! With your wife's pubic hair!

Cooper: It's not a ghost.
- It's gravity.
Donald: I'm dropping Tom, then heading to town.
- You want to clean that up when you've finished praying to it?

Reverend: Even if this was not a law, which it is, I'm afraid I would have a lot of difficulty endorsing an enterprise which is as fraught with genuine peril as I believe this one to be. Besides the liquor and the drugs which always seem to accompany such an event the thing that distresses me even more, Ren, is the spiritual corruption that can be involved. These dances and this kind of music can be destructive, and, uh, Ren, I'm afraid you're going to find most of the people in our community are gonna agree with me on this.

Eric: [Travers and Delmar are mutinying against him] Of course without a pilot
[whips out a gun putting it to Kristel]
Eric: No one gets off this mountain
Kristel: [rather concerned] Eric... What are you doing?
Eric: Do you know what real love is, Kristel?
Kristel: No.
Eric: [whispers in her ear] Sacrifice...
[shoots her]
Eric: Now I'm the ONLY ONE who can fly us out of here
[drags a now dead Kristel out of said helicopter]
Eric: We're partners again. Now Take Your *TOY*
[angrily shoves monitor back to Travers]
Eric: And Find OUR *MONEY*

Roger: News is like a ship. You take your hands off the wheel and it pulls hard to the left.

Lord: [playing with Gingy's legs] Run, run, run as fast as you can / You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread: You're a monster!
Lord: [tossing legs away] I'm not the monster here, YOU are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others?
Gingerbread: Eat me!
[spits in Farquaad's face]
Lord: I've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll...
[reaches down]
Gingerbread: NO! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord: All right, then! Who's hiding them?
Gingerbread: Okay, I'll tell you... Do you know... the Muffin Man?
Lord: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread: The Muffin Man.
Lord: Yes, I know the Muffin Man. W-who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man...
Lord: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread: THE MUFFIN MAN!
Lord: She's married to the Muffin Man...

Coach: Doesn't take much time for corruption to take root, Reverend.
Reverend: And how long is that, Roger? About as long as it takes compassion to die?

Earl: I mean, there we were, both of us... at the beginning of our careers. Then all of a sudden, one of us... took off! Lit up the sky like a meteor. And why? Because he met the other.

Earl: What the fuck is going on?
Kim: It's Styles. His friends grabbed me and dragged me here.
Earl: That's impossible!
Kim: Well, I saw him.
Earl: I killed his life, and he killed himself. You're lying!
Kim: Lying? You stupid, macho fuck! I can't believe this! I can't believe that I've been kissing your ass all these fucking years, and you're such a shithead! You didn't kill his life, and you didn't fuck his mind. You know what you did? You pissed him off. You really fucking pissed him off, and now you're fucked!

Roger: Gretchen Carlson could kill Fox News!

Baudelaire: Upstart!
Master: Pipsqueak!
Baudelaire: Amateur!
Master: Spear carrier!

Donald: Popcorn at a ball game is unnatural. I want a hot dog.

[over the radio]
Travers: It's Walker! The son of a bitch is still alive, Qualen.
Eric: No names, this is an open line.
Travers: I don't give a damn, ERIC QUALEN!

[Shrek enters the tournament]
Lord: What's that? It's hideous!
Shrek: Well, that's not very nice.
[gestures to Donkey]
Shrek: It's just a donkey.

Roger: People don't stop watching when there's a conflict. They stop watching when there isn't one.

Master: But how did they know I was here?
Baudelaire: Ring, ring!
Master: [picks up the receiver] Yes?
Baudelaire: Acting, again!