Top 1000 Quotes From Friends

Joey: She kisses better than my mom cooks!
Monica: I am so glad you said "cooks".

- Hi, how are you?
- Chandler, don't worry.
- This doesn't make you any less of a guy.
- What am I sitting on?
- Heh. I'd hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.
- Know who used to have nails like that?
Rachel: No.
- Oh, my god.

Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn't say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the copy place.
Gunther: I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to?

- Sure.
- Okay.
- Thank you for coming with me today.
- Oh, of course.
- Rachel green is very happy you're in her room.
- Me too. Come here.
- No.
- I just don't wanna be alone tonight.
- Okay, well, um, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag or...

Ross: Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breasts?
Rachel: 14.
Ross: No, 19.
Chandler: Thanks, man.

- Hi. How'd you sleep?
- Good. You?
- Good.
- I'll bet you did.
- Uh, would you guys mind giving us a minute?
- Sure. Yeah. Just keep an eye on the chick and duck.
- Chick and the duck? Didn't they die...?
- Dive. Yeah, they dove.
- Headfirst into fun on the farm.

- I can't lie to him again.
- Oh, no, I... no.
- I'm just gonna press my breasts up against him.
- And say nothing?
- Uh-huh, yeah, that's right.
- Wow, my folks really liked it.
- What did you guys think?
- It wasn't that good.

Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this: you are not supposed to give people advice! Couldn't you have made some sort of inappropriate joke?
Chandler: I did! A penis one! Just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?
Monica: They've only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike. She'll say no, David's heart'll be broken, it'll be too hard for them to recover from, and then Phoebe will end up alone again.
Chandler: Man, that is some bad advice.

- And I love you.
- Boy, a bad time to say the wrong name, huh, Ross?
- That's true. Thanks, dad.
- People should be dancing, huh?
- Hey, this is a party. Come on.
- Joey. Dance.

- Probably kill myself.
- Excuse me?
- Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live, you know?
- Joey, uh, omnipotent.
- You are?
- Ross, I'm...

- I don't want you seeing my daughter anymore.
- All right, look. I realize it upsets you.
- Yes, it does.
- And so I don't think there's really anything you can do about it.
- I'll tell the university about your relationship and have you fired.
- Oh, a man with a plan.

Rachel: [after deciding to return Mrs. Braverman's stolen cheesecake] Yeah, we'll just drop it off downstairs so that we're not tempted.
Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go for lunch?
Rachel: Mama's Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois!

Rachel: [to the gang after finding Joey with a nude photo of Monica that she gave Chandler] Joey has got a secret peephole!
Chandler: Oh no, no no!
Rachel: Yes, he has a naked picture of Monica. He takes naked pictures of us, then he eats chicken, and he looks at them! Look!
[shoves the photo in Ross' face]
Ross: [covering his eyes] No! Dude, that's my sister!

- Oh, she told you about that, huh?
- Well, yeah. I have one now and then.
- Well, yeah, now.
- Well, it's not that bad...
- Well, that's true.
- Gee, you know, no one's ever put it like that before.
- Well, okay. Thanks.

[last lines]
Joey: So - Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married; do you think you and I should hook up?
Phoebe: Oh, we do - but not just yet.
Joey: Really? Well, when?
Phoebe: Okay, umm... well, first Chandler and Monica will get married - and be filthy rich, by the way. Yeah. But it won't work out.
Joey: Wow.
Phoebe: I know. Then, I'm gonna marry Chandler - for the money - and you'll marry Rachel, and have the beautiful kids.
Joey: Great!
Phoebe: But then we ditch those two, and that's when we get married. We'll have Chandler's money, and Rachel's kids - and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel's drinking problem.
Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross?
Phoebe: I don't want to go into the whole thing, but, umm... we have words, and I kill him.

- They say that our only chance to have a baby...
- Is that if they take my sperm, her egg, put it together in a dish...
- And put it into another girl.
- We were wondering if you could be that girl.
- That's a really nice gift.
- I was thinking of a gravy boat.

Rachel: You are so in style right now. You know, I work at Ralph Lauren and this season we have this whole equestrian thing going on. I don't suppose you've seen the cover of British Vogue, have you?
Trick: [impatient] Can I just have the candy?

Ross: Wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always.

Dr. Ross Geller: You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half pure evil!

- You want to see her again?
- Yeah.
- So you're going to have to do it in the mess!
- Yeah, okay. You're right.
- I mean, uh, who cares about a little sloppiness?
- It's endearing, really.
- All right!
- Now you go get that beautiful pig!

- It's just, you know, I didn't expect him to be this happy so soon.
- Oh, no.
- What?

Katie: A paleontologist who works out... you're like "Indiana Jones."
Ross: I AM like "Indiana Jones."

[watching Joey's small role in a porno movie]
Joey: Wait, wait, wait, wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am...

- Not at all.
- No, no.
- Loser?
- No, I fold.
- What do you mean, you fold?
- Hey, come on, what is this?
- I thought that, "once the cards are dealt, I'm not a nice guy."
- I mean, what? Were you just full of it?

Jim: I write... Erotic novels, for children.
Phoebe: Oh my God!
Jim: They're wildly unpopular... and it might interest you to know that I have a PhD.
Phoebe: Oh yeah?
Jim: Yup, A pretty *huge d...*

- Oh, my god. He's totally lost it.
- What?
- Phoebe. This cannot get any worse.
- Rats in the basement are hanging themselves.

Joey: [of Janice] So you bring her here? There's people here!

- It was just so awkward and bumpy.
[Mouths] Bumpy?
- Maybe he had some kind of, uh, new cool style that you're not familiar with.
- And, uh, maybe you have to get used to it.
Jade: There wasn't much time to get used to it...
- If you know what I mean.

- Okay, my turn.
- Oh! Look at that.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god. The babyjust kicked.
- It's okay, it's okay.
- If it kicked once, it'll kick again.
- All right, well, everybody just remember where they were sitting.

- Hey. That's Rachel.
- She's the one who used to live here.
- Might as well be honest with you.
- We love her.
- But we can't have her. No.
- I really miss her.
- Hey, you understand, right?
- You're a guy.
- Well, you used to be.

- Mazel tov.
- Hi. Oh, great hat.
- I need you to perform another wedding.
- Can you do that?
- I don't know. Are they Greek orthodox?
- They're my friends, Monica stephanopolis.
- And Chandler acidophilus.

Chandler: Hey, you must be Owen.
Owen: Yeah.
Chandler: I'm Chandler. Hey, I was in the scouts too.
Owen: You were?
Chandler: Yeah, in fact my father was a den-mother.
Owen: Huh?
Chandler: [changing the subject] You know how to use a compass?
Owen: I have a badge in it.
Chandler: You do? That's fantastic!
Owen: You wanna see it?
Chandler: I'd love to, but I gotta get back to talking to your parents. They're telling us all about how they adopted you.
Owen: What?
Chandler: What?

- And all, you know, Monica about it.
- I promise.
- All right, let's see.
- Now, some of you are gonna get cut and some of you aren't.
- But I promise, none of you will feel a thing.
- Okay.

Chandler: Goodbye, Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down.

Hypnosis: You do not need to smoke. You are strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke.
Joey: Joey's your best friend... and you want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants...

- I think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her.
- Will you give that a chance?
- For me?
- I'd do anything for you, you know that.
- I'd do anything for you!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Oh, you do, do you?
- You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
- Indeed there isn't.
- I should really get back to work.
- Yeah, otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
- Oh. The hair comes out and the gloves come off.

- Does that sound like Janice?
- If it's not, then there's two of them.
- And that would mean it's the end of the world.

- I love you both.
- I'm so glad you're here.
- Are you Chandler?
- Are you Joey?
- Huh. This is nice.
- What?
- I've never walked down the aisle knowing it can't end in divorce.

Director: Cut!
- Can't you see what's going on here?
- This man is dying!
Director: Cut!
- Can't you see what's going on here?
- This man is dying!
- -Mommy!
- Can't you see what's going on?
- This man is dead!

Joey: You're mean on the boat.
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean.
Ross: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat, she wouldn't let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me - I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea.

[it's pouring rain and the six friends run towards the beach house with Joey and Ross sheltering themselves with their suitcases and Chandler and Monica sheltering under Rachel's big hat as Phoebe unlocks the doors]
Dr. Ross Geller: [sheltering himself with his suitcase] Go! Go! Go!
Rachel: [annoyed] Oh yeah! Now everybody wants to be *under* the hat!
[Phoebe opens the doors, turns on the lights and the friends enter the beach house find the floor completely covered with sand]
Chandler: [slowly] Oh.
Rachel: [surprised] Aye.
Monica: [picks up some sand] What's with all the sand?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. Bob said there might be flood damage.
Dr. Ross Geller: Either that or he has a really big cat!

Monica: Okay, it's baby time! Pants off, there, Bing!
[Monica sees Ross]
Monica: Didn't see you there, Geller.

- No, I don't.
- A little bit.
- No.
- Little bit.
- No.
- A little bit more.
- Give me the bag. Give me the bag.
- No, hit me. Hit me.
- Give me the bag. I'm not kidding.
- Hit me.
- No.
- Hit me. Hit me. Hit me!

- Oh. Hey.
- Listen, I have that TV thing in, like, two hours, and I need your help.
- Okay, what do you think?
- This blue suit or this brown one?
- Well, the brown one brings out your eyes.
- But your butt looks great in the blue one.
- Really?

- And try not to let my vulnerability become any kind of a factor here.
- Do you think it would be okay if
- I ask you out sometime, maybe?
- Maybe.
- Okay.
- Okay, maybe I will.
- Good night.
- Good night.

- Then nothing could ever happen with us.
- What?
- No, I mean...
- Look, I don't know if anything is ever going to happen with us again, ever.
- But I don't wanna know that it never could.
- So I stopped it...
- And she got mad and broke my projector.

Joey: My audition is tomorrow. Che ble blah. Me la pee! Oublah! Poo.

[Monica and Richard are dancing]
Dr. Richard Burke: Okay, I'll do it.
Monica: You'll do what?
Dr. Richard Burke: If kids is what I takes to be with you then kids it is.
Monica: Oh my God!
Dr. Richard Burke: If I have to I'll, I'll do all again , I'll do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the P.T.A. meetings, I'll coach the soccer team.
Monica: Really?
Dr. Richard Burke: Yeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wanna lose you, so if I have to do it all over again, then I will.
Monica: You're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'Okay, let's do it.'
Dr. Richard Burke: But you're not.
Monica: Oh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one.
Dr. Richard Burke: God, I love you.
Monica: I know you do. Me too.
[pause]
Monica: So what now?
Dr. Richard Burke: I guess we just keep dancing.

Ross: [Voiceover] Oh my god, that's Rachel naked! I can't look at that, I am looking at this. Ok, vivid colors, expressive brushstrokes... unless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home, she knows I can see her; what kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone's lonely tonight.
[giggles]
Ross: Doctor Geller, stop it, you're being silly. Or am I?

Rachel: Monica, we're out of candy.
Monica: What? Already? There's only been like three kids.
Rachel: [quite flattered] Yeah, I know, but one girl told me she loved me so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe: [gladly] No wonder you're pregnant.

Monica: [about the rumor Will and Ross started about her in high school] Rachel, everybody in school heard the rumor.
Rachel: You knew and you didn't tell me?
Monica: Well, I was afraid it might be true, you'd cry and then show it to me!
Rachel: [notices Joey staring at her groin] Joey, stop staring. There's nothing there. It's not true.
Joey: I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof.

Monica: Rach! We weren't gonna miss our friends getting married.
Rachel: [gasps] Who got married?
Chandler: ...You did?

- I'm sorry, daddy.
- I don't believe this.
- Daddy, stay calm, please.
- Stay calm?
- How do you expect me to stay calm?
- This is unacceptable, Rachel.
- And I wanna know why.
- Is it because that punk Ross won't marry you?
- That's it. Is that it?
- Yes. He says I'm damaged goods.

- Joey: Hey. Both: Hey.
- Chandler, wanna go to the coffeehouse?
- Oh, all right.
- Oh, perfect. We were just gonna see if you wanted to go.
- Oh, well, we don't, because we got the other place.
- How rude.
- Oh, I'm sorry. You want a bite?

Monica: Why are you being such a weenie? So he plays with a doll. You used to dress up like a woman.
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Monica: You used to dress up in Mom's clothes. You had the pink hat and the little pink bag.
Dr. Ross Geller: You're making this up!
Monica: How can you not remember? You made us call you "Bea".
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh God!
Susan: I've literally never been so happy.
Monica: Wasn't there a song?
Carol: Please let there be a song.
Monica: [sings] My name's Bea, I drink tea...
[She follows Ross who locks himself in the bathroom]
Monica: Won't you, won't you, won't you...
[opens the door]
Monica: ...Won't you dance around with me?

Ross: What do I do now?
Joey: You play hard to get.
Ross: She already lives in London.
Joey: [Long Pause] So you go to Tokyo!

- No, there's a party.
- There's a party.
- But the power?
- That is still up for grabs.
- You follow me?
- So he won't invite you to his party because he likes you?
- Exactly!

- Anybody lose this?
- Coming out.
- Place your bet.
- Dice her out.
- Yellow 11. Pay the front line!
- So, uh, I'm on my way back to the bathroom.
- All right, all right.
- Just keep walking, all right?

Joey: [sonogram on hospital monitor] What are we supposed to be looking at?
Chandler: I don't know, but I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.

Rachel: I use my breasts to get other peoples attention.
Monica: WE BOTH DO THAT.

Monica: Open your eyes.
Rachel: They are.
[Rachel's eyes are closed]
Monica: How many fingers am I holding up?
Rachel: Four.
Monica: Oh, my God. I was thinking four.
Rachel: Really?
Monica: OK, now this is just practice. One... two... three.
[Rachel quickly jerks her head to avoid the eyedrops]
Monica: My pillow's all wet.
Rachel: Well, you said it was practice.
Monica: Then why did you move your head?
Rachel: Because I knew you were lying.

Chandler: Hey, just because she thinks she can see Joey through a magic window in her living room does not mean she's not a person. Does she not deserve Happiness, does she not deserve Love?
[Monica and Rachel exchange glances and then stare back at Chandler]
Chandler: Don't look at me, he's the one who wants to boff the maniac!

Joey: Don't you want to ask me some questions?
Chandler: What's up?
Joey: I'm an actor and don't worry, I'm totally okay with the whole gay thing.
Chandler: What gay thing?
Joey: You know in general, the whole "people being gay," I'm totally cool with that.

Rachel: [reading her hometown's country club newsletter's Engagements section] Oh, my god... oh, my god, it's Barry and Mindy!
Monica: Barry who you almost...?
Rachel: Barry who I almost.
Monica: And Mindy your maid of...?
Rachel: Mindy my maid of.

Joey: [watching Carol nursing Ben] If you blow into one side, does the other get bigger?

Monica: Can you believe it? We're the only ones who are leaving here with the same person we came here with.
Chandler: That's not true, I came with Monica and I am leaving with Weird Al.

- All right. Okay, let's do it.
- Well, I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating.
- And then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment...
- Of the mesozoic era, the breakup of pangaea. Hello?
- And then there's the overview of the triassic.
- Ooh, ooh. Any chance any of this happened in a galaxy far, far away?

Monica: [Answering the phone] Hello? Oh, hi Ross!
[to Rachel]
Monica: See? Other people call me!
Rachel: Ooh, your brother. Score!

[Ross is trying to talk Rachel's boss into giving her her job back so she won't go to Paris; Mr. Zelner has a son who is also named Ross]
Ross: Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance?
Mr. Zelner: Yeah, they're all he talks about, why?
Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants.
[Mr. Zelner looks shocked]
Ross: I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones - fossils!

Monica: [Rachel and Amy get into a cat fight at Thanksgiving] My God! Somebody do something! Stop them!
Joey: What? Stop them? Throw some jello on them!

- I'm so sorry, pheebs.
- We're all sorry.
- Look on the bright side.
- I mean, at least you won't have to live with this ugly chair.
- That was here already, huh?
- I love you.

Dr. Ross Geller: I just can't see Chandler cheating.
Rachel: I'm telling you guys, we followed them out to a house in Westchester. They went in for like 45 minutes and they came out looking pretty happy.
Joey: Chandler? 45 minutes?

Rachel: You know, Ben, when you were younger, you and I used to hang out all the time. I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben: But you're not anymore.
Rachel: Well, that's true.
Ben: Because you guys were on a break.
Rachel: Hey, we were not on a br... OK. OK. You know, Ben, someday when you're a lot older, I'm going to tell you that entire story over a pitcher of real margaritas.

Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, you want me to be your backup.
Rachel: Exactly.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, yeah - I already have one.
Rachel: What? Who?
Dr. Ross Geller: Phoebe.
Rachel: Phoebe? But she said Joey is her backup.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, I don't think so.
Rachel: Ross, I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal.
Dr. Ross Geller: That's impossible. I mean, we had a deal for years; we shook on it. Although, believe me, she wanted to do a lot more than that.

Monica: [chasing after him] Chandler. It happens to lots of guys. You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it.
Chandler: [motioning with his hands] I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology. Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me.

Ross: [Ross, Susan and Phoebe are stuck in a broom closet; Ross pounds on the door] Help! Help!
Phoebe: [singing] They found their bodies the very next day. They found their bodies the very next day.
Ross,3201: [louder] Help! Help!

Chandler: You're a mother-kisser!

- She's about your age, I'd say.
- Anyway, I have tickets for the opera.
- Die fledermaus.
- I was wondering if you would keep her company this evening.
- Sure. You got it.
- Waltham: Oh, good.
- Count me in. Me, fledermaus. Great.
- I really...
- Oh, yes, of course. Thank you.
- Thank you. Thank you so very much.

Monica: We just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing. They don't like us do they.
Chandler: Who says you can't get a nice punch bowl for under 6 bucks. Maybe we can take it back.
Monica: No. It doesn't say where it came from. Where would we return it?
Chandler: How about to the street, say from the balcony?

Rachel: I just bought something.
Rachel: [referring to Monica] I'm not sure she is gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something I've wanted since I was a little girl.
Dr. Ross Geller: You bought Shaun Cassidy!
Rachel: No - I wish!

- Both: We're the guys that called about the baby! Is he here?!
- He's here.
- Aah!
- I assume one of you is the father.
- That's me.
- I'm him.
- Actually, uh, ahem, we're both the father.

- I just thought that...
- Why shouldn't I be happy for you?
- What would it say about me...
- If I couldn't, uh, revel in yourjoy?
- And I'm reveling, baby. Believe me.
- Is your finger caught in that chair?
- -Want us to go? -uh-huh.

Ross: [screaming at the answering machine] Did she get off the plane? God did she get off the plane!
Rachel: [Rachel shows up at the door] I got off the plane.

- Joey.
- Yeah?
- What did I tell you about talking to your friends while you're working?
- Uh, do it?
- That guy's been waiting for his coffee for 10 minutes.
- He's complained about you three times.
- Now, where was I?

Rachel: Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.
Rachel: Okay, you win.

Rachel: [after singing bow chicka wow wow] . What is that song? It's been in my head all day.
Chandler: It's the theme song to Good Will Humping.

- Just now, there was some woman at the coffeehouse smiled at me.
- And then the other day on the subway, a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand.
- Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life.
- And there's an anthropologist atschool_
- Who totally came on to me during the interdepartmental potluck dinner.
- Why did I get married?

- Really?
- You know, ever since I ran out on Barry at the wedding...
- I have wondered whether I made the right choice.
- Oh. And now I know.
Monica: I'm so glad.
- Big day.

Joey: Oh. I got it. Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. All right? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.
Monica: Ok, ten.
Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine. Anyone else?
Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws.
Joey: Or... we could flip a coin, and then multiply the...
Chandler: I'm begging you stop.

Joey: 1999, the year of Joey!

Chandler: [Ross walks in with a really dark tan] Hold on. There's something different about you.
Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place the sun?
Ross: It gets worse.
[holds up his top to reveal one half of his skin is still white]
Chandler: Oh my God! You can do a duet of 'Ebony & Ivory' all by yourself.
Monica: How could you mess this up? It's so easy. You go in the booth, you count to five, and you turn around!
Ross: How do you count to five?
Monica: [counts quickly] One, two, three...
Ross: Dammit!
[Goes to the door to leave. Rachel enters, sees him and starts laughing]
Ross: I know!
Rachel: [after seeing Ross's tan] What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic?

Joey: Well, the tough thing is she really wants to have sex with me.
Chandler: Crazy bitch...
Joey: Ya, well, i still got a week left to go in the program and according to the rules if i wanna get the money i am not allowed to conduct any personal experiments, if you know what i mean.
Monica: Joey! We always know what you mean.

Joey: [opening teaser, with flashback scenes throughout] Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and... I don't really know what happened with that. Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldn't go out with a guy like Chandler, and he couldn't let it go, and... I don't really know what happened with that, either. Oh! And then Ross' new girlfriend Bonnie shows up, and Rachel convinced her to shave her head, and then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl, and... I don't know what happened there, either. You know what? Hold on, lemme go get Chandler.

- Santos: Sure.
- No problem.
- You have to give them something, you know?
- Okay, that was gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the mustache?
- Petrie.
- Petrie. Right, right, okay.
- Well, some people are gonna be working...
- This weekend.

Rachel: Ok, well, I'm turnin' in.
Chandler: Rach, we gotta settle.
Rachel: Settle what?
Chandler: The Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see King George is giving us the land.

[Monica passes out, drunk at her birthday party]
Phoebe: [Points towards her dress] OK, help me get this off.
Joey: Yeah!

- I mean, perhaps if! Hadn't gone to Minsk...
- Things would have worked out for us, and I wouldn't have ruined my career.
- Or lost that toe to frostbite.
- It was a good trip.
- Is it okay if! Hug you now?
- Oh, yes.
- Because of our meddling! All right?

[Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby]
Ross: OK, how about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman?

- Mon, I was married.
- Yeah, me too, technically.
- I had a wedding.
- Just trying to start a discussion.
- Which one do you think will be the last to get married?
- Isn't Ben in this?
- -Of course! -absolutely.

Monica: Hey Rach, aren't these candlesticks mine?
Rachel: No, no, I bought those.
Monica: Oh, right, I forgot... that you're a liar!

Ross: That's amazing. How did you know she would buy scotch tape?
Chandler: 'Cause Joey and me used theirs up last night, making scary faces.

Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail.
Ross: No. Why would I why. No. Why.
Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.
Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures...
Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.

- I can't tell you how many mornings
- I woke up with her...
- -Oh, okay.
- Ha, ha. Yeah, why am I telling you?
- I don't know. Ha, ha.
- Uh, uh...
- It wasn't every morning...
- Oh, making it worse.
- Okay.

- No, wait. I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie.
- I do this at work all the time.
- Really?
- Yeah, I think I can.
- Oh, yay!
- Okay, Ross, we owe you a present.
- Two! I've been engaged twice.

Joey: [officiating Phoebe and Mike's wedding] Friends, family - dog - thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special place, so I'm gonna do the short version of this.

Will: Look at her standing there with those yams. My two greatest enemies, Ross - Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.

Joey: I love you guys. But not as much as I love America!

Rachel: [reading Ross' new list] Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Michelle Pfeffer,Elizabeth Hurley, Dorothy Hamel? Honey, you do know, she only spins like that on ice.

- We better take these off or that stain will set.
- I wanna wear these pants on our date tonight.
- Oh, great.
- Okay, bye. Oh, my god.
- That was unbelievable.
- Okay, see? I told you.
- Yeah, wow. Sorry, rach.
- I don't believe they're brother and sister.
- They're brother and sister?

Joey: Hey, I can help you decide who should do it. We can have, like, an audition, and then see how you'd handle maid of honor-type situations.
Phoebe: What are you talking about?
Joey: Like when I want a job, right? I go to an audition, and if I'm the best of the people they see, I get the part, you know? Then they send you a script, then you go to the set, and you rehearse, and you have wardrobe fittings, and then you shoot your part. And it's great - but right after that, you're back down on the street looking for work again, right back where you started! So I gotta say, I really don't think a career in acting is the right choice for you two.

Chandler: What else you got? Magazines, Doritos... Condoms?
Joey: Hey, you don't know how long where going to be in here. We may have to repopulate the Earth.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?

- When a fist comes at your face, you duck. Look.
- What is the matter with you?
- You were supposed to duck!
- Why didn't you?
- Let's talk on the way to the hospital.
- Good. Yeah, maybe while we're there, they can check your reflexes.
- Oops!

- There's a tape here with Monica's name on it.
- Ooh. A tape with a girl's name on it.
- It's probably a sex tape.
- Wait a minute.
- This says "Monica."
- And this is Richard's apartment.
- Get there faster!

- This guy for a month.
- Uh, I'd appreciate it if you'd drink your wine...
- After the kids are asleep.
- Oh, uh...
- Thanks for this. I hope I can do the same for you sometime.
- Who wants to make some long-distance calls?

- I can't believe I even thought of getting back together with you. We are so over.
- Fine by me!
- And, hey, just so you know, it's not that common...
- It doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!
- I knew it!

- Want me to check again?
- I wish you would.
- Well, no, it's not in there.
- How about that drawer?
- Well, it's not out here.
- Any chance it could be in your office?
- I don't know.
- I mean, let me check.

- Is that my bra?
- What are you doing with my bra?
- It's not what you think.
- We used it to fling water balloons off the roof.
- Remember? Those kids couldn't even get theirs across the street.
- Yeah, I remember.
- Let's bring the rest of these down to the truck.

- Oh, hurry up. I want to sign that.
- Here he comes.
Gary: What is he doing?
- What the hell is he doing?
- What is it?
- Is everything okay?
- What?
- He sees us. Don't move.
- And don't look at him.

Monica: Did you smoke?
Chandler: Yes. But I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five! A pack. Two pack - A carton. Three big fat cartons in two days!

- There's nothing to wonder about.
- You'll go back to being who you were because that's who you are.
- Not necessarily.
- Yes, necessarily.
- I don't know what it is.
- Maybe it's the amish thing.
- Um, I'm not actually amish.
- Really? Then why are you like that?

Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest "Power Ranger" is?
[Ross and Chandler laugh]
Ross: Oh, yeah.
Monica: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
Joey: Sorry.
Ross: It's morphin time!
Joey: Stegosaurus!
Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!
[Joey, Ross and Chandler cross their arms like the "Power Rangers" do]

- -Hi.
- Sorry, but I couldn't get that lock to work.
- Yeah, Joey kind of disabled it when I moved in.
- You must be Rachel. I'm Erin.
- Hi.
- I don't mean this to sound like high school, but did he talk about me?
- Would you like some pancakes?

- So you...?
- You feel like going for a run?
- All right.
- Because you don't have to.
- You could just take a nap right here.
- Okay.
- Just for a little while.
- Okay.

Ross: While we're waiting, why don't you guys record your message to Emma?
Chandler: Hi Emma. It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?

- What exactly were you looking for?
- Perhaps...
- Perhaps Dr. Chester stock's musings...
- On the smilodon californicus?
- Uh...
- Uh! Uh!
- Get out of here!

Phoebe: Singing: Whenever I get married guess who won't be asked to sing somebody named Geller and somebody else named Bing!

- Ew. Is it...? What, a pimple?
- No, it's...
- Fancier than a pimple.
- Look, Ross, just go see a doc...
- Guys, what's...?
- Okay, well, it's definite.
- Two more weeks of winter.
- Yeah, right.
- Ah.

- What are you... I am sorry, sir.
- I think he just really likes you.
- Hey...
- You know that teacher who had a baby with her student?

- You and I know we are perfect for each other.
- Right?
- So the only question is: Are you attracted to me?
- I don't know.
- I mean, I've never looked at you that way before.
- Well start looking.

- What's the matter?
- I don't know. I'm sorry.
- I don't know why I did that.
- Okay.
- Okay. Sorry.

- Monica, I want you to have the first taste.
- Really?
- Wait, you only got whipped cream.
- You gotta take a bite with all the layers.
- Okay.
- You dropped a pea.

- Rach, it's gonna be okay.
- You guys are the best!
- Boy, I tell you. Thatjudging stuff took a lot out of me.
- Thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch.
- Why would I care about that?
- No reason. I'm just saying that...
- That's where I'll be.

- She could be calling you from the plane.
- Come on, go.
- Okay, okay. But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over.
- No, wait, wait. Unless, eventually, I call her, you know, to see what's going on...
- And she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't.
- Then it's over.
- Way to be strong, man.

- Would you like to have dinner sometime?
- So, pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?
- Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
- Okay.
- Let me put it this way.
- Anything from crabtree & Evelyn?
- Bath salts would be nice.
- Oh, okay. Good.

- Okay, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Sandra: For what, dear?
- For not inviting me, or for lying about it?
- Oh, my god. My ass is sweating.
- Please, please, can you come?
- It's today at 4.
- Well, all right. I'll see you at 4.
- Thank you.
- Isn't it at 3?
- Son of a bitch.

Joey: I went out a couple of times with this girl - really hot, great kisser. But she had the biggest Adam's apple! It made me nuts.
Ross: Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Joey: ...
[laughs]
Joey: You guys are messing with me, aren't you?
Everyone: [pause] Oh, yeah, yes...
Joey: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "Whoa."

Monica: [Chandler turns on the light and wakes up Monica] What? What are you doing?
Chandler: Do you know what just happened?
Monica: Yeah, we had sex and we fell asleep.
Chandler: No, we were in the middle of sex and YOU fell asleep.
Monica: No, no that's not true. Best time ever. You rocked my world.
[Monica rolls over and turns off the light]

Monica: [after watching the video] I can't believe you did that.
Ross: Yeah, well...
[Rachel walks to Ross and kisses him]

- Because I think about shaving it all off again sometimes.
- I mean, you definitely should do that.
- You know what? I should do it.
- Yeah.
- You know what? Thank you, Rachel.
- You are so cool.
- Oh, stop. Go on.
- Now, go shave that head.
Bonnie: All right.

Rachel: No! Phoebe, of course there is more! I mean, I'll just talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee-pees.

- Come on. There you go.
- I did it.
- One mile on a hippity hop.
- That's it. That's everything I wanted to do before I was 30.
- Oh, except I wanted to patch things up with my sister.
- Oh, well. But, yay!
- And, girls, this thing is a godsend, if you know what I mean. Heh.

Joey: [shouts, repeated line] Joey doesn't share food!

- That kid kicked me really hard.
- Well, you did pull his hair.
- He took my snack.
- I'm not getting into this again.
- All right, you know what?
- Hurts really bad.
- Well, I told you not to walk. Here.
- There. There. Okay.

- Now, I'm gonna go tell Joey that you're back.
- We were really worried about you.
- Hey, did she buy it?
- Totally.
- So did hildy show you the place?
- Yeah. It's beautiful.
- I can't believe you're gonna ask Monica to marry you.
- I know.

- That was fun. So who's hungry?
Monica: I am.
Rachel: Me too.
- Let me just get my coat.

- All right.
- You guys don't want it to be special?
- Fine. You can throw any kind of party you want.
- Joey, they're not real.
- -huh? Huh.
- I start miles beneath the surface of these things, okay? They're fake.
- See? Honk, honk.
- Wow, it's like porno for clowns.

- Who's that?
- Nobody.
- Is that Mark?
- Honey, look, he just...
- Yeah. Got it!
- Hey, come dance.
- What are you, married?
- Ha, ha.
- Because that's okay.

Phoebe: It's not as bad as it looks. Really, I was just... I was saying goodbye to an old friend.
Mike: Your lipstick's on his mouth.
David: Oh, uh - we just happen to wear the same shade.

[first lines]
Joey: Hey.
Chandler,8062: Hey.
Joey: What are you guys doing up?
Chandler: We wanted to finish the crossword before bed. Do you know a six-letter word for "red"?
Joey: Dark-red.
Chandler: I think that's wrong, but there's a connect-the-dots in here for you later.

Monica: Phoebe and Gary think they're the hotter couple. So, to prove them wrong we have to go and have a ton of sex.
Chandler: Monica, you've got to stop this competitiveness. Just to prove them wrong you want me to go up stairs and have sex with you over, and over, and over, and I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat!

- No, I don't think so.
- See, Ross, because I think you love her.
- Uh, no.
- See, I might have had feelings for her at one time. Not anymore.
- I just... Marcel.
- Where are you going with that disk?
- You are not putting that on again.
- Marcel... okay. If you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble.

[Talking about Joey's top hat]
Joey: Like you can find something as sophisticated as this.
Chandler: [Puts basket on his head] Done.

- Oh, right!
- It's that girl's phone number.
- There it is.
- Just a phone number...
- A really hot girl gave me.
- No big deal. I mean, it is her home phone number but...
- Whoops! Heh. Almost lost this baby!
- The lovely Amanda gives me her number, and I go and drop it.

Chandler: You're right. I have no excuses. I was totally over the line.
Joey: Over the line? You... you... you're so far past the line that you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

Joey: It's like I would have said in that science fiction movie if I'd have gotten the part "our men are in there and we have to get them out, even if I have to sacrifice my most precious thing in the world, my time machine"
Chandler: Did that movie ever get made?
Joey: It did not.

Joey: Ben... Ben... Hey Ben... Nothin', I don't think that's his name.

Joey: They want me to be totally naked in the movie.
Monica: Wow!
Joey: I know. My grandma's gonna see this.
Phoebe: Grandma's gonna have to get in line.
[Phoebe smiles at Joey]

- You know what?
- I just have one more question. Um...
- If you had figured this out sooner, and, um, I had been around...
- Do you think I would have been the one who...?
- No, no. That's all right. Don't tell me.
- I don't think either answer would make me feel better. Here.
- I love you, Phoebe.

Phoebe: I'm taking a Literature class at the New School.
Chandler: That is so cool.
Phoebe: Yeah, well I kinda liked that Lamaze class I took, but I was looking for something a little bit more intellectual, with a less painful final exam.

Phoebe: Alright, I think I'm gonna head out.
Monica: Where you think you're going?
Phoebe: I thought I was going home to go to bed, but I'm sensing there's something less fun for me to do here.

- I was having people over for the game.
- Oh, yeah? Who's playing?
- The players.
- Somebody seems to be missing being the hostess.
- Ha, ha. Please, it's a relief, is what it is, is what it is.
- All right. Pheebs, stick out your plate.

Phoebe: Hang in there, it's gonna happen.
Ross: Okay, now how do you know that?
Phoebe: Because she's your lobster.
Chandler: Oh, she's goin' somewhere.
Phoebe: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws.

- So, what are you gonna do?
- Have you guys made anything that I could take credit for?
- Ooh, I have, I have.
- I started making these little sock bunnies.
- Oh, for crying out loud.
- Hey, wait a minute. That is my sock.
- Now it's your little bunny friend.

Monica: [wide grin on her face] Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
Rachel: I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

Russ: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.
Ross: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss, day two, here's your diploma.

Monica: [Sarcastically] Well, I hope you're happy!
Chandler: [Pretending not to sense the tone] Oooh! I hope you're happy too, honey!

Joey: [Chandler and Joey are sightseeing in London] Alright! Westminster Abbey. Hands down. Best Abbey I ever seen.
[Joey gets out his digital camera so he can take Chandler's picture in front of the Abbey]
Joey: Hey! Ok. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?
Chandler: Yeah, I think it's great. It's great. You know, they're thinking of changing the name of this place.
Joey: Really? To what?
Chandler: To put the camera away!
Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby.

Roy,: [in tears] Big surprise! The hunk of beef has feelings!

Monica: [annoyed] No one's eating my Tuscan Finger Food because they're all filling up on Phoebe's Snow cones!
Chandler: [surprised] There are *Snow cones*?
[Monica glares disapprovingly at Chandler]
Chandler: [pretending to act disgusted] Snow cones? Yuck!
[Monica sees through Chandler's pretence but changes her mind]
Monica: [points to the other side of the room] Yeah go! Go! Right there!
Chandler: [hurrying off] Thank you! Thank you!
[Monica slowly walks to the round table with the three types of ice where Phoebe is]
Monica: [slowly] Phoebe?
Phoebe: Hmm?
Monica: [acknowledging] You really did do a nice job.
Phoebe: [proudly folds her arms] Thank you... for stating the obvious.
Monica: [admittedly] I deserved that. I just want you to know that um... we ever co-host a party together and... you can do whatever you want.
Phoebe: [quite excited] You know, Joey's got a Birthday coming up.
Monica: [interested] Really? What do you wanna do?
Phoebe: [eagerly] Um, OK. I'd like to be in charge of beer.
Monica: [disappointed] Well then there's nothing left for *me*!
[Phoebe looks at Monica as if to say "I told you."]

Dr. Ross Geller: [talking to Emma in her crib] And that's why, no matter what Mommy says, we really were on a break.

- It's just a little weird.
- It's you, and it's me.
- It'll just take some getting used to.
- Okay.
- Okay, well, uh, how can we make it easier?
- Okay. Let's work from the top down.
- Just work the bra, Joe.
- Okay, got it, yeah. Absolutely.
- Okay, ha, ha.
- Okay.

- Every guy who kept one eye on the TV while you were making out.
- Oh, my god. You dated someone with a glass eye too?
- Come on, okay? This is for all womankind. Let's kill them!
- All right, I want to kill them too.
- But they're boys.
- You know, how are we gonna beat three boys?

Monica: Seriously! Hypothetically, why won't I have a baby by the time I'm 40?
Chandler: Oh, dear God...! This parachute is a knapsack!

Ross: Chandler's missing.
[Ross and Rachel are in Monic'a doorway. Phoebe comes up]
Phoebe: What's going on?
[reading the note]
Phoebe: "Tell Monica I'm sorry"
[Phoebe looks up at Ross, then back at the note, then back to Ross]
Phoebe: Tell her yourself.

Joey: No. Rosita does not move.
Rachel: I'm sorry? Rosita? As in...
Joey: As in, "Rosita does not move."
Rachel: Joey, it's just a chair! What's the big deal?
Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it's at the perfect angle so you don't get any glare coming off of Stevie.
Rachel: Stevie the TV?

- I thought Chandler was your best friend.
- Well, Chandler's my oldest friend.
- Mm-hm.
- Joey's my... no! Uh-uh!
- Ah.
- Hey, I'm gonna take off.
- I just wanted to say goodbye.
- Rachel said she'd marry you?
- This isn't the right room. Sorry, folks.

Monica: In all my life... I never thought I would be so lucky. As to... fall in love with my best... my best... there's a reason why girls don't do this!

Chandler: All right, kids, I've got to get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference.

- I don't know.
- Yeah, I do.
- Joey!
- What? Hey, don't look at me!
- You wanted to come up here and look for some stupid burger king comet.
- It's called the bapstein-king comet, okay?
- Hey, bapstein was a very well-respected astronomer from...

- Heh. I'm not just waitressing.
- I mean, I'm...
- I write the specials on the specials board.
- And I take the dead flowers out of the vase.
- Um, oh, and sometimes Arturo lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.
- Well, your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.

Mike: [speaking his vows to Phoebe] Phoebe, you are so beautiful. You're so kind. You're so generous. You're so wonderfully weird. Everyday with you is an adventure. And I can't believe how lucky I am. I can't wait to share my life with you forever.

Delivery: Dum da-da dum! Hear ye, hear ye! A Delivery from the Mattress King!

- You know, because, uh...
- Because now you have a reason to come visit.
- I think there may be another reason.
- So, uh...
- Awkward hug or lame cool-guy handshake?
- Yeah, well, you know, lame cool-guy handshake.

Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy.
Ross: Hey, Paul.
Phoebe: Hey, Paul.
Rachel: Hi, Paul.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

- But when I return 200 years from now, you'll be long gone.
- But I won't have aged at all.
- So you tell your great-great- granddaughter to look me up.
- Because, Adrian...
- . "Baby".
- I'm gonna want to meet her.

- Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just came on.
- It happened to me once. I was flipping through the channels and, bam.
- It was like finding money.
- Finding money with naked people on it.
- Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV.
- I never got it back again.
- Why would he turn off the TV?

Phoebe: [on phone] I have found a selfless good deed. I went to the park and let a bee sting me.
Joey: How is that a selfless good deed?
Phoebe: It makes the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee's happy and I am definitely not.
Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you know the bee probably died after it stung you?
Phoebe: [stares blankly] ...Dammit.
[hangs up]

- She.
- Of course, "she."
- She, uh, familiar with our special situation?
- Yes, and she's very supportive.
- Great. Okay, that's great. Heh.
- No, I'm...
- Carot thanks.

Dr. Ross Geller: You know how you told me I should do whatever it takes to fix my marriage?
Rachel: Yeah. I told you to give Emily whatever she wants.
Dr. Ross Geller: And while that was good advice, you should know that what... what she wants...
Rachel: Yeah?
Dr. Ross Geller: ...is for me not to see you anymore.
Rachel: Well, that's crazy! You can't do that! What are you going to tell her?
[awkward silence]
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, you've already agreed to this, haven't you?
[her eyes are filling with tears]
Dr. Ross Geller: It's awful, I know. I mean, I feel terrible. But I have to do this if I want my marriage to work, and I do, I have to make this marriage work. I have to. But the good thing is, we can still see each other until she gets here.
Rachel: [clapping her hands] Oh! Lucky me! Oh my god, that *is* good news, Ross! I think that's the best news I've heard since Lepooh died!

- Yeah. And I have a timeshare in the poconos with flipper.
Monica: Ross, there he is!
- Hey! Hey, buddy!
- Marcel! Marcel!
[Singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight in the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight

- Only $102 to go.
- I thought it was 98.50.
- Yeah, well, it was, but I broke a cup.
- Well, I'm off to Carol's.
- Ooh, ooh, why don't we invite her?
- Ooh, ooh, because she's my ex-wife...
- And will probably wanna bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Careful around my Porsche.
- Hi, Joey.
- Hey.
- How you doing?
- He has the most amazing Porsche under there.
- I'd love to show you, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping.
- Hey, would you two girls like to go for a drink?

- Hey, guys.
- Joey, playboy printed my joke!
- No, it's mine! It's my joke. Call them!
- They'll tell you!
- My joke!
- My joke!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Jokes? What...?
- You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?

Ross: What are you doing tonight?
Chandler: Why, do you have a lecture?
Ross: No.
Chandler: Free as a bird, what's up?

[first lines]
Monica: What is it, honey?
Phoebe: Nothing. I can't find anything that I want to eat. Everything makes me nauseous! I'm telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake.

Joey: What a phoney!
Chandler: Well I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock into Nothing!

- Great. It's so amazing.
- Last time Dr. Roger came over,
- I was so nervous.
- But after being with you,
- I'm like, "can the doctor see me now?"
- I'll bet he can.
- "I don't have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical." Ha, ha.
- You sure you're okay?
- Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

- I can't believe you're getting married!
- Yeah.
- Monica and Rachel made out.

Chandler: [a bit stunned by what he just saw] Robert's coming out.
Dr. Ross Geller: What? You mean he's gay?
Chandler: He's coming out of his shorts.
Dr. Ross Geller: Huh?
Chandler: The man is showing brain.

Ross: [Rachel has just met Ross's Asian girlfriend] Rachel, this is Julie. I met her in China.
Ross: [notices Rachel has brought flowers] What are those?
Rachel: Oh, these?
Rachel: [begins speaking slowly and distinctly to Julie] These are for you! Welcome to our country.
Julie: [slowly and distinctly] Thank you; I'm from New York.

- Okay? I promise I won't let that happen.
- Oh, Joey. Oh, sweetie, what would I do without you?
- You don't have to worry about that, okay?
- Oh, honey, could you grab me my other box of tissues?
- They're right on that chair under Ross' coat.
- Sure.

Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys.
Joey: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing. Y'know - you have a can, we have a can, and it's connected by a string.
Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing.

Jill: [to Ross] And you - I throw myself at you, and you still say no? How gay are *you*?

- You guys just keep getting cooler and cooler.
- Yeah, we used to perform for our family and friends.
- Oh, god, that's right. I blocked that out.
- I'm a little bit country
- And I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll
- I'm leaving you.

[In Vegas, Phoebe is annoyed by a 'lurker']
Phoebe: Everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk right behind you, and I'll be on your ass every hour of every day... until Monday... coz that's when I leave. When do you leave?
Lurker: Also Monday.
Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab.

- But first, I have to see the met.
- Okay, let me stop you right there.
- The mets suck, okay?
- You wanna see the Yankees.
- No. No, not the mets.
- The met. Singular.
- Which one? They all suck.
- The museum.

Joey: [about the duck] I've got him really well trained. Stare at the wall. Hardly move. Be white

Joey: Ok, Phoebe. This is for the kids, later on. You got something you want to say?
Phoebe: Hi, kids. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me.

Joey: Oh, I know how we can decide. I'm gonna ask you questions and you've gotta answer real fast, OK? What do you like better, action or comedy?
Dr. Ross Geller: Action.
Joey: Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?
Dr. Ross Geller: Dude, you are sick!
Joey: Oh, right, I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing!

Fake: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of 25 other women and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple circus?

Ross: All I can think about is what is she going to do, what is she going to say when I tell her what I did.
Chandler: Before we answer that, I think we should address the more important issue: how dumb are you?

- I'm sick of the signs.
- I'm happy the way things are.
- Me too.
- I don't want change, do you?
- No.
- All right then, nothing changes.
- Everything stays the same!
- Go unpack. It's been three days, and it's driving me insane!
- Jeez, relax, it's not like we're mar...
- Aah, agh.

the Fireman: We found your fire alarm in the trash chute.
Phoebe: That's not mine.
the Fireman: Yes it is.
Phoebe: How do you know?
the Fireman: The next time you want to dump a fire alarm, don't wrap it in a blanket that says "Property of Phoebe Buffay, not Monica".

Monica: Chandler, for so long I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding, I turned to a friend for comfort. And instead, I found everything that I'd ever been looking for my whole life. And now here we are with our future before us and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soulmate, my friend. Unless you don't want to. You go!
Chandler: Monica, I though this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But when i saw you walking down that aisle, I realized how simple it was. I love you. And surprises that come our way, it's ok, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I'm sure?
Joey: You may now kiss the bride. So I guess by the powers vested in me by the state of New York and the internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. O WAIT! Do you take eachother?
Monica: I do.
Chandler: I do.

Phoebe: Hi.
Monica,8061: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen - you have to help me pick a dress, 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight!
Monica: Wow - the boyfriend's parents; that's a big step.
Phoebe: [sarcastically] Really? That hadn't occurred to me.
Monica: Sweetie, they're gonna love you. Just be yourself.
Phoebe: They live on the Upper East Side on Park Avenue!
Rachel: Oh, yeah - she can't be herself...
Phoebe: Alright - so, which dress?
[shows them two dresses]
Phoebe: [they don't comment for a few seconds] ... You can say neither.
Monica,8061: Oh, god - neither!
Monica: I'm sorry, honey - we're gonna take you shopping; it's gonna be fine.
Rachel: Yeah, totally - you are in such good hands, and I am so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you wanna flirt a little bit - but not in a gross way. Just kind of, like, "Oh, Mr. Pinser! I can see where Wallace gets his good looks from."
Monica: You went out with Wallace Pinser?
Rachel: Ah, he took the SATs for me.
Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400!
Rachel: [scoffs] Well, duh!

- You know, she's having another baby.
- Mm.
- I thought she just had one.
- No, no. Henry's almost 2.
- And he's talking and everything. Here.
- The other day he told me he liked me better than his other grandpa.
- In all fairness, his other grandpa's a drunk, but still...
- Whoa. You're a grandpa.

Janice: [Janice walks downstairs and finds Monica and Chandler looking at her house] What a small world!
Chandler: ...And yet, I never run into Beyonce.

- -Hey. All: Hey.
Monica: Hey. What's that?
- Yeah, my mom sent me a family heirloom that once belonged to my grandmother.
- Can you believe it?
- A year ago I didn't even have a family...
- And now I have heirlooms for crying out loud.

Chandler: Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

[Ross and Chandler have been arm wrestling for a long time]
Mona: Wow. They must both be very strong.
Joey: Or equally weak.

- Oh, no. You said they could shoot the spot without you.
Susan: I thought they could.
- Working with children, which is really fulfilling.
- I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry.
Kristen: So I'm spending most of my time teaching science, heh...
- Which is funny because that wasn't even my major.

Monica: Honey, what's wrong?
Dr. Ross Geller: [Saddened] My wife's a lesbian.
Joey: [Amused] Cool.
Chandler: [Introducing them to each other] Ross, Joey; Joey, Ross.

Chandler: So, if Monica's not around, I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: [looks down] No, that... that is not what we're saying.
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I... Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!

[Rachel jogs on a side-walk, then runs like crazy into the park where she meets Phoebe at a path junction and they excitedly interact while running on the spot]
Rachel: I'm so sorry! You're right! This feels great!
Phoebe: See? And you don't care if people are staring! It's just for a second 'cause then you're gone!
[Phoebe happily runs off and waves to Rachel]
Rachel: [starts running again then turns around and runs backwards] Gone! I mean it's amazing Pheebs! I feel so free! So graceful!
[Rachel turns around, runs into a park horse and falls over. The horse looks around and Rachel gets up]
Rachel: [eagerly to a passer-by] Hey! Look out for the horse!
[Rachel apologises to the horse rider and continues running like crazy]

- It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now.
- Hello?
- Oh. Hi, Dr. Connelly.
- No. Well, she's not here...
- But I can tell her.
- Should I be sitting down for this?

Chandler: [Saying his list of five celebrities he's allowed to sleep with] Cindy Crawford, Kim Bassinger, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth and Jessica Rabbit.
Rachel: You do know she's a cartoon?
Chandler: I thought it'd be cool to see if I could make her eyes pop out of her head.

Janice: [repeated line throughout the series] Oh... my... God!

- Do you have anything for around $200?
- Uh.
- The dog.
- My gift to you, man.
- Thanks, Ross!
- I really liked that bird, though.
- But the dog! Oh!
- Yeah. Right?

Rachel: [Rachel and Ross are sparring about the fact that Ross is already planning their whole common life. Both speak at some elevated tone] Okay, Ross, Ross. Okay, listen. What we have is amazing.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel: But I do not want to have everything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. That's what I had with Barry. That was one of the reasons I left. I like not knowing right now. And I'm sorry if that scares you, but if you want to be with me, you are going to have to deal with that.
Dr. Ross Geller: OK, fine.
Rachel: Thank you.
Dr. Ross Geller: We're not done.
Rachel: I didn't know that.
Dr. Ross Geller: And then you're going to have to understand that you're with a guy who's not going to stop planning his future with you because he knows we're going to end up together. And if that scares you, tough, 'cause you're going to have to deal with that.
Rachel: Fine, I will.
Dr. Ross Geller: Good. 'Cause I love you.
Rachel: Oh, yeah?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah.
Rachel: Well, I love you too.
Dr. Ross Geller: That's the first time we've said that.
Rachel: Yes, it is.
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, I'm going to kiss you.
Rachel: Well, you better.
[Then Ross goes to Rachel to kiss her]

Monica: Ross, she's giving us her baby. She can eat *you* if she wants.

Dr. Ross Geller: So Chandler and I are in a bar, and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, OK? So after a while, he goes over to her - and after a minute or two, I see them kissing. And I know what you're thinking: Chandler is not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls - and you're right; Chandler is *not* the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with *girls*.
Monica: You kissed a guy? Oh, my god!
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark, and he was a very pretty guy!

- No, no, no. Behind it.
- You have a phone in here?
- That's right.
- I have a phone.
- In here.
- Joey, promise me something.
- Yeah.
- Never call me from that phone.

- Oh, that sounds great.
- I know a great little place.
- You're not paying for the pizza.
- Come on, it's only fair.
- You paid for the flight.
- Is that enough lira?
- Uh, I'd throw another 1000 on that.
- How much is that?
- That's about 60 cents.

Chandler: [after watching the birthing video and Monica doesn't know he saw it] Why did you get me this?
Monica: What is it?
Chandler: It's yelling, bleeding... dilating. Oh, the dilating!

[Joey gets caught using Charlton Heston's dressing room shower]
Charlton: Put some pants on, kid, so I can kick your butt.

- You know, I could have toys for underprivileged kids in here.
- Do you?
- Well, you know, if kids like to play with Capri pants.
- Okay.
- And stop saying that. I hate that.
- Dan NY: Okay.

- Because you are so afraid of commitment.
- You talk to him. Make him scared like you, make him a man.
- I'll try, but I'm not sure what good it would do...
- Because I'm less afraid of commitment than I used to be.
- That is so sweet.
- Still terrified.
- I'll take care of it no problem.

- He watches jeopardy...
- He touches himself when nobody's watching.
- Please, have a heart.
- I'll take a look at him.
- Oh, thank you.
- Michael.
- Rachel.
- What?
- Monica.

- Rach?
- Rachel?

- What do you call that?
- A mustache comb.
- Thank you.
- Okay, I will do your laundry for one month.
- I will, I will, I will...
- I will clean the apartment for two months.
- I'll give this to you now, if you tell me where we keep the dustpan.

Monica: Chandler, you're panicking...
Chandler: Yes! Join me, won't you?

- What?
- I'm so sick of guys.
- I don't want to look at another guy.
- I don't want to think about another guy.
- I don't even want to be near another guy.
- Ross, you're so great.
- Oh, ha, ha.

[ready to leave a voicemail greeting]
Rachel: Hi.
Phoebe: It's
Rachel: Rachel
Phoebe: And
Rachel: Phoebe's.
Phoebe: Please
Rachel: Leave
Phoebe: Leave
Rachel: I just said "leave".
Phoebe: Yeah I know. That's because you have all the good words. What do I get? I get "it's", "and", oh, I'm sorry I have "a". Forget it.
Rachel: Phoebe come on! That's silly!
Phoebe: Alright. So let's switch.
Rachel: [quite proudly] No! I have all the good words.
[Phoebe looks mad]
Rachel: OK. Fine. Fine. Let's switch.
[Phoebe presses the voicemail greeting recorder button]
Phoebe: Hi
Rachel: Everybody.
Phoebe: It's
Rachel: Rachel
Phoebe: And
Rachel: Phoebe's.
Phoebe: Pl... wait, how did you do that? Oh, you're no ordinary roomate. This shall be interesting.
Rachel: [innocently] What?
Phoebe: [suspicious but interested] Oh, you're no ordinary roommate are you?

- You were worried about me?
- You didn't know how I was gonna react?
- Okay. All right. Whew.
- What do you say we all, uh, clear out of here...
- And let these two love birds get back down to business.
- Hey, hey, hey. I'm just talking here.
- He's the one doing your sister.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah.
Joey: Good idea.
- It would be so cool to live across from you guys.
- Yeah, hey, then we could do that telephone thing...
- You know, where you have a can, we have a can...
- And it's connected by a string.
- Or we could do the actual telephone thing.

Rachel: [offers her Curious George doll to ornery monkey] Marcel, this is for you. Just something to... do on the plane.

Rachel: So, like you guys all have jobs?
Monica: Yeah we all have jobs, that's how we buy stuff.

Joey: [Joey thinks Phoebe has been acting in porno videos] A guy in the coffee shop told me he was a fan of Phoebe's. I thought he was talking about her singing, but he claims she's a porn star. So I went to the adult video store, and picked this up.
Ross: [taking the video] Let me see that. "Buffay the Vampire Layer", starring Phoebe Buffay. Alright - let's check it out!
Joey: Guys, Phoebe is our friend. I refuse to watch this!
[Joey goes over and sits at the table with his back to the TV]
Ross: Wow! I didn't know Pheebs had that particular talent.
Rachel: Wait a minute - Phoebe doesn't have a tattoo on her ankle! My God, that's Ursula!
Joey: [jumping up and turning around] Ursula? Alright! Run it back! Run it back!
Ross: Boy, Phoebe is going to be pissed. Why is Ursula using Phoebe's name?
Phoebe: [coming in the apartment] Hi, everybody - what are you...
Phoebe: [screams and points at the TV] Ahhhhhhh! What am I doing?

Chandler: [Trying to break up] Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell you this. At least, there's no NEW way for me to tell you this.

- You did a good thing today.
- You wanna dance?
- No, that's fine.
- Come on.
- I'll let you lead.
- Okay.

- It's just, I hate that guy.
- Hey, Joey. What's going on?
- Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express.
- Next stop, Rachel green.
- Joey, what the hell were you doing?
- Sorry, wrong boobies.

Phoebe: [entering Monica's and Chandler's apartment] Hey Rach, you wanna go get coffee?
Rachel: Oh! I would love to.
Phoebe: [excited] Oh good!
Chandler: [to Monica] I'm gonna go too, babe.
[Chandler kisses Monica and gets up]
Monica: OK.
Phoebe: [pleased] Oh good!
[Rachel, Chandler and Phoebe continue muttering and Phoebe holds the door open as two of them exit the apartment]
Phoebe: Oh I changed my mind.
[Phoebe closes the door, goes over to the table and takes a list out of her handbag]
Phoebe: [shows the list to Monica] Let's talk about the party. I have so many ideas!
Monica: [excited] Oh! Me too!
[Monica gets a large black folder from under the sink]
Phoebe: [impressed] Oh! Look at that!

- You mind if! Read my comic books in here?
- Sure. Why?
- Chandler and Monica are over there.
- It's kind of hard to concentrate.
- What? She just called and said she was going to be working late.
- She keeps lying to me.
- That's it! I'm gonna go over there and I'm confronting them right now.

Chandler: [Chandler has to replace a broiling pan of Monica's that he ruined] Uh, quick broiling pan question?
Monica: Yes, it really does cost that much. Maybe next time, your duck can puke in something from Pottery Barn.

- Has two little girls,
- Ashley and Brittany.
- Ashley copies everything Brittany does.
- Oh. Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.
- Yeah, yeah. You know, Joseph and his wife,
- Karen, are thinking of having a third kid.
- You know what?
- Really, wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.

Monica: [on the phone] Hello, Mrs. Green! Hi - it's Monica Geller.
Sandra: Oh - hello, Monica.
Monica: Hi - I know this is last minute, but we've decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
Sandra: [icily] I know. My daughters told me when they received their "impromptu" invitations a month ago.
Monica: Yeah, I'm sorry - I'm so, so sorry.
Sandra: Why, dear? For not inviting me, or for lying about it?
Monica: [to Phoebe, quietly] Oh, my god! My ass is sweating... Please, please - can you come? It's today at four.
Sandra: Well, alright - I'll see you at four.
Monica: Thank you.
[Monica hangs up the phone]
Phoebe: Isn't it at three?
Monica: [picking up phone again] Sonofabitch...

- And maybe you could finish telling me about all the different kinds of sand.
- I'd love to. You wait right here.
- I'll go get the projector and my notes.
- Oh, great. Thanks, Ross.
- You're such a good friend.
- Hey. Have you guys seen Jill?
- I can't find her anywhere.
- No, I haven't.
- Is Ross home?
- Maybe I'll just call him and see if he's actually seen her.

Ross: We were on a break!
Chandler: Oh my god! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you.

- Rach. Can I get some coffee? Thank you.
- Sure.
- Hey, rach...
- Did you talk to him yet?
- No.
- Then, no.

- Heh. You're not at home, you're right here.
- Yeah, I know.
- And I bet you thought it would be weird.
- But it's not.
- Okay.
- So, well, I'll, um...
- I'll have her home by midnight. Ha, ha.

- You just barge in here and you don't knock?
- You have no respect for anybody's privacy.
- Rachel, wait.
- No, you wait.
- Can I just say one thing?
- What? What?
- That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your...
- Nippular area.
- Ugh!

Phoebe: So, How are things going with Crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross: You are hearing one side of the story. And FYI, she must have shown him over 30 paint samples and his response to each one was "I don't give a tiny rat's ass!"
Phoebe: Well, She should have spent less time decorating and more time in the bedroom.

Phoebe: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah
Phoebe: So is it like art?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone?
Phoebe: Um, yeah sure. Why? You wanna call your Mom?
Frank Buffay Jr.: No, I wanna melt it.
Phoebe: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I'm just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah!

- I'm not asking you to go on a date with him.
- Really? Because I could kind of use the money.
- Joey, just... he's new in town and he doesn't have any guy friends.
- Take him to a ball game or something.
- I'd appreciate it.
- Yeah, okay, no problem.
- Thank you.
- -Ooh, hey, doughnuts! -uh-huh.

Phoebe: I'm hearing what you're saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner.
Earl: Not me.
Phoebe: May I ask why?
Earl: You wanna know why. You wanna know why?
Phoebe: I surely do!
Earl: Okay, I don't need any toner because I'm going to kill myself.
Phoebe: Um... is... is that because you're out of toner?

- Oh, Ross.
- But in my defense, I found out that condoms are only 97 percent effective.
- What?
- I gotta go find her.
- Hold on! Are you serious? So, like,
- 3 percent of the time they don't even work?
- Huh? They should put that on the box!
- Evidently, they do.
- What?

- I don't...
- I don't want a big, fancy wedding.
- Sure you do.
- No.
- I want everything that you've just said.
- I want a marriage.
- You sure?
- Mm-hm.
- I love you so much.
- I love you.

Phoebe: So, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called... um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night"
[singing]
Phoebe: There was a girl, we'll call her Betty / And a guy, let's call him Neil / Now I can't stress this point too strongly... This story isn't real. / Now our Neil must decide / Who will be the girl that he casts aside? / Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? / Or will it be the one who we'll call... Loolie? / He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide!

- Oh, no, no. I'm paddling away.
- Huh?
- Wow. Really?
- We got all this rusty crap for free?
- Uh-huh.
- This and a bunch of bubble wrap...
- And some of it is not even popped.
- Could we be more white trash?

Chandler: Oh, and by the way, there is no Count Rushmore!
Joey: Yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?

Phoebe: Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.

- You're here. I can't believe it.
- Ha.
- Uh...
- Why are you here?
- I just came to...
- I just needed to tell you...
- Congratulations.

Phoebe: [singing] Terry's a jerk and he won't let me work and I hate central perk
- Uh, to Stephanie schiffer!
- I'd like to start with a song I wrote for the first man I ever loved.
[Singing] Zachary...
Phoebe: [singing] Are all invited to bite me

Rachel: [to her friends] I just feel like I need one last fling, get it out of my system, I just want have meaningless sex with the next guy I see.
Chandler: [drops the pool ball] Excuse me, I seem to have dropped my ball.
Rachel: Yeah, so?
Chandler: [picks it up] And now I've picked it up again.

- Okay, so Jason is sensitive.
- But now, so is Vince.
- Plus Vince has the body. You know?
- It's really just about the math.
- Jason.
Jason: Yeah, come on in.
- Uh, Phoebe, you sounded serious on the phone.
- Is, uh, anything wrong?

[Ross tries picking out a dress for Rachel]
Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.
Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.
Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days.
[Rachel returns to her room]
Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping.
Ross: What?
Chandler: [shyly] The sheep.
Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...

[first lines]
Monica: [presents baby shoes] Okay, these were expensive, and he's gonna grow out of them in 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist!
Phoebe: Aww! Look at these. Hey, Ben. "Just do it"! Unh!
[baby starts crying]
Phoebe: Oh, my God! Oh! Was that too much pressure for him?
Susan: Oh, is he hungry already? Aw.
Carol: [starts feeding with breast] I guess so.
Chandler: You know, it's...
[goggling the breast]
Chandler: Something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back.
Joey: [follows after Chandler out] Oh, uh, I gotta get one too.
Ross: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Chandler: We're just hanging out by the spoons... Ladle?
Ross: Will you guys grow up? This is the most natural, beautiful thing in the world.
Joey: Yeah, we know. But there's a baby sucking on it.
Ross: This is my son having lunch, okay? It'll happen a lot, so get used to it. If you have a problem, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it. Come on.
[guys come back]
Ross: Carol?
Chandler: Carol. I was wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
Carol: Sure.
Joey: [surprised] Uh... Does it hurt?
Carol: It did at first, but not anymore.
Joey: Chandler?
Chandler: So, uh, how often can you do it?
Carol: As much as he needs.
Joey: Oh, okay, I got one, I got one. Uh... If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?

- Oh, come on. Here we go.
- Stand by for mission countdown.
[In echoey voice] Ten, ten, ten.
- Nine, nine, nine.
- Eight, eight, eight. Ow.
- Okay, blast off.

- Because I do. I love you.
- I love you so much.
- But my work, it's for me, you know?
- I'm out there on my own, and I'm doing it.
- And it's scary, but I love it because it's mine.
- But I mean, is that okay?
- Sure. Ha, ha.

Monica: We're supposed to be having a romantic weekend together. What's wrong with you?
Chandler: I just wanted to watch a little TV. OK relax, mom.
Monica: What did you just say?
Chandler: I said relax, Monnn.

- No, mom, everything's going fine, really.
- Yeah, Ross is great. He's, uh...
- He's in a whole other place. Yeah.
- No, he's gone.
- No, no, you don't have to fly back.
- Really.
- What do you mean, this might be your only chance?
- Oh. Would you stop? I'm only 26.
- I'm not even thinking about babies yet.

Joey: [game show host voice] Choose a card, you jackass.

- Dude! Stop it! I'm not kidding.
- I hear what you're saying...
- And thanks for the warning.
- No problem.
- So are we friends again?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Ahem. You won't believe what Monica's brotherjust said to me!

- Yeah, because I was mad at you.
- Not because I stopped loving you.
- You still love me?
- What does this mean? What do you...?
- I mean, do you want to get back together?
- No. Maybe.
- I don't... I don't know.
- What?
- I just... I feel...

- I feel great.
- In fact...
- What?
- It's just... it took me so long to get that desk organized.
- I'm sorry.
- There it is.

Rachel: I'm training to be better at a job that I hate. My life officially sucks.

Sandra: You thought I was Rachel?
Chandler: Yes we did because you look so young.
Phoebe: And because you're both, you know, white women.

- Well, when did you...?
- Hold on, I almost forgot. Loser.
- When did you stop sucking?
- I never sucked. I just didn't want you...
- To know how good I was. -why?
- I don't know.
- Well, this is so great.
- Now we can enter doubles tournaments.
- That's why.

- I was talking about Monica.
- Phoebe, I did not have sex.
- Oh, this pregnancy is throwing me all off.
- I'm gonna say hi to the chick and duck.
- Oh, me too.
- Why would you need to say hi?
- You've been feeding them for four days.
- Oh, right. Maybe I'll just go home.

Ross: I was just leaving.
Rachel: Good! 'Cause I've got a product report to read. It's like eight pages, I hope I don't fall asleep!
Ross: Why, did you write it?

Ross: [after he's broken up with Carol] Hi...
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Chandler: The way I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. You know, i mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas.

- We're supposed to be spending a romantic weekend together.
- What's the matter with you?
- I just wanna watch a little television.
- What's the big deal?
- Jeez, relax, mom.
- What did you say?
- I said, "jeez, relax, mon."

Monica: My guy has coupons. Your guy can't even say coupons.

- Are we watching the tape or not?
- I don't want people to see it for your sake.
- Oh, I don't believe you.
- I think you don't want them to see you begging me.
- Rachel, please?
- Oh, a little preview.
- Fine. But I want the record to show that I tried to take the high road.
- Because in about five minutes,
- I'm gonna be saying:

Rachel: It's a RELAXI-TAXI.
Phoebe: Ugh. The name was my favorite part.
Rachel: Well, I came up with it.
Phoebe: You did not. You came up with relaxi-CAB. That name sucks.
Rachel: It's not "relaxi-CA-AB" its "reLAXI-cab" like "taxi cab".
Phoebe: Oh, that *is* good

Monica: [sneeze] Oh, gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold!
Phoebe: You mean you stole it!
Monica: [sneeze]
Phoebe: Don't cover your mouth when you do that!

Dr. Ross Geller: So I finally heard back from Aunt Cheryl, and apparently it wasn't a mistake. Uh, there's limited seating in the hall.
Monica: Limited seating? I am just one tiny person!
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, but she doesn't know that. The last time she saw you, you would have turned one of those little wedding chairs into kindling.

Joey: [teaching Acting for Soap Operas] Okay, some tricks of the trade...
Joey: Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers and just start pulling.
Joey: Or let's say I want to convey that I've, uh, just done something evil. Well, that would be your basic I've-got-a fish-hook-in-my-eyebrow-and-I-like-it.
Joey: No? Okay. Let's say I've just gotten bad news. Well, all I do there is try and divide 213 by 13.
Joey: And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight, everybody. Class dismissed.

- Nice try.
Monica: Wait, wait, wait.
- Look, Monica...
- Look.
- This is not gonna work.
- I bet this will work.
- You're so great. I love you.

- Well, now...
- If you achieve positronic distillation of subatomic particles before he does...
- Then he could come back.
- I could give it a shot.
- Oh, look. There's a piece that doesn't have floor on it.
- Stick to your side.
- Come on, now.

- Wait a minute, there's no light on the back wall.
- How do I know when it's gonna start? Hello?
- My eyes!

Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.
Rachel: What?
Ross: [shouts] I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you!
Rachel: Hey, I was doing great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
Ross: Well then you should have said something before I met her!
Rachel: I didn't *know* then! And how come *you* never said anything to *me*?
Ross: There was never a good time.
Rachel: Yeah right. You only had a *year* , we only hung out *every* night.
Ross: Not, not, not... *every* night.

- Did you smoke?
- No, smokes-a-lot lady blew smoke directly into my mouth.
- Uh, are you okay?
- I'm fine now, but it was really scary there for a while.
- Someone slipped a threatening note under the door.
- Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.
- Mob mentality or whatever. I don't know.

Phoebe: [while Monica sings at Mike's Piano Bar the spotlight hits her and everyone can see through her shirt] Can you totally see through her shirt?
Mike: Like an X-Ray.
Mike: [referring to Monica] Bad day not to wear a bra

- And they're very hot.
- We can't, all right?
- We're sorry.
- You have no idea how sorry.
- But we promised we'd find this monkey.
- If you see him, he's about yea high and answers to the name Marcel.
- So if we could get some pictures of you, you'd really be helping us out.

Phoebe: Okay, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution. It's just one of the possibilities.
Ross: It's the only possibility.
Phoebe: Ross, could you just open your mind, like, this much? Okay? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believe the Earth was flat? And up till 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing until you split it open and this whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny, tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
Ross: [faintly] There might be... a teeny... tiny... possibility.
Phoebe: I can't believe you caved.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: You just abandoned your whole belief system! Before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. But... How are you gonna go into work tomorrow? How are you going to face the other science guys? How are you going to face yourself?
[defeated, Ross leaves]
Phoebe: That was fun. So who's hungry?

- That's it.
- And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school...
- I was a cow?
- I used to wet my bed.
- I use my breasts to get other people's attention.
- We both do that.

- What?
- Oh, no. You just rolled over the juice box.
- Oh, thank god!
- No, I don't want to fall in love no, I don't want to fall in love this love is only gonna break your heart

Rachel: What's the final head count on my baby shower?
Phoebe: About twenty. A couple of people from work had something else to do.
Monica: Also, both of your sisters called, and neither can make it.
Rachel: What? You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze? That's shocking!

- He would like to kiss you.
- Okay. You know what?
- You don't have to do that now.
- No, no, not him. No, you don't.
- Okay. Well, the moment's over.

Chandler: The guy was obviously hammered, there is no way that you look like Ross' mom.
Monica: Then why would he say it?
Chandler: Because he's crazy, okay? He came up to me earlier to thank me for my very moving performance in Titanic!

- You invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me? Why?
- Why wouldn't you want me at your wedding?
- What could I have possibly done?
- Stuart.
- I believe you know my husband.
- So it's really a question of "who" could you have possibly done.

Rachel: Wait a minute - you let Ross drive the Porsche, and when I ask, you say you're the only one who's allowed to drive it.
Monica: Yeah - well, he's my brother; and plus, he drives so slow, he could never hurt it.
Dr. Ross Geller: It's a car, not a rocket ship.
Monica: Whatever. Ross, just replace the bulbs in the brake lights after you're done.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- You just have to promise not to get thrown out again.
- That was an honest mistake.
- Right.
- "Oh, my god. Is this the men's room?
- I feel so foolish.
- Have you always known you wanted to be an actor?"
- Yeah, that was an awesome day.

- What happened to the, uh, puppet guy?
- -Dad, uh...
- Oh, oh.
- Excuse me.
- 80, Ross, uh, how's the wife?
- Oh for two, huh? Heh.
- Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny.

- So I'd better get cracking on this baby.
- So I'll be waiting for you.
- Just come up when you're done.
- Okay. I'll be up...
- In 18 pages.
- Front and back.
- Very exciting.

- But I'll be good. I promise.
- Who is it?
Carl: It's me, Carl.
- Come on up.
- Behind my brother's back?
- Is the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me.

- Even these five that I hid in my bra.
- Monica!
- Okay. Good. You guys were so scared.
- There is no way I was gonna dump this...
- Aah!
- God! No!
- I think I broke your bowl.
- Go! Go! Go!

- This is helping your career, huh?
- You wanted to be an actor.
- Not the creator of crazy lawsuit game.
- You're right, you're right.
- I'll get back to work.
- And shame on you. You should know better.
- Joey needs to work.
- Now come on.
- Hey.
- No, uh-uh. You can have this back when the five pages are done, huh?

- But--no "but." No "but."
- You know that thing we put over here with the pin in it?
- It's time to take the pin out.
- You'll find someone. I know you will.
- The right woman is waiting for you.
- It's easy for you to say.
- You found one already.
- All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.

Rachel: He couldn't even undo my bra.
Monica: Wow, really? One time he just looked at my bra and it popped open.

Rachel: [breast milk] That is juice squeezed from a person.

Joey: It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie.

- Monana?
- Yeah.
- It's Dutch.
- You're kidding.
- I spent three years in Amsterdam.
- Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.
- And we're dancing!
- Five, six, seven, eight.

[repeated line]
Joey: How you doin'?

Will: God, we were lame back then. Remember how into dinosaurs we were?
[to Ross]
Will: So what do you do now?

Chandler: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go over there, and I'm gonna kick his ass! Will you help me?
Joey: Look, Chandler - I don't think us getting our asses kicked is the solution.

Joey: Every inch of this is glued down, it'll take forever, just leave it.
Monica: You can't just leave it, you gouged a hole in my dingy floor.
[Joey puts the toilet brush over the hole]
Monica: That's nice, they can put it back there after the doctors remove it from your colon.

Rachel: Why can't parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?

- Oh, please! Please!
- You wanted to get caught!
- That is not true!
- So you just happened to leave it in here?
- Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid?
- Okay, Monica,
- I just have to know one thing.
- Did you go with her to bloomingdale's?

- Hey, pheebs.
- Oh, hi.
- Hey, so you enjoying the bike?
- Oh, uh-huh, so much. Heh.
- Pheebs, you, uh... you do know how to ride a bike, don't you? Heh.
- Of course.
- Can we see you ride it?
- Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi. Can I help you?
- I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?
- Uh, no, she doesn't.
- But I can get a message to her.
- Great. Uh, just tell her her husband stopped by.
- Her what? Aah!
- Hey, how did you do that?

Monica: [Rachel is going to tell Van Damme that Monica has a crush on him] Tell him I cook!

- You want me to just tell him you're seeing him instead?
- Is that what you want?
- Okay.
- Oh, that's what you want?
- Fine!
- Fine!
- There we go.
- Ha. If we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.

- Yes, it is.
- Let's go look at it, heh!
- Oh, okay. Let's go.
Chandler: There we go! Yay!
- Oh, oh, oh, guys, would you, uh, chip in for some new air filters for the purifier?
- I mean, after all, we are all using it.
- Let's go quicker!

Joey: [after covering for Monica and Chandler after the gang finds a pair of underwear] Tightie whities? What are you, eight?

Rachel: I had a baby.
Amy: I decorated dad's office.
Rachel: Ah yeah. Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.

Joey: Anybody got a coat hanger?
Chandler: Oh, I do!
[sarcasm]
Chandler: Wait, no, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning.
Monica: So if your parents hadn't gotten divorced, you'd be able to answer a question like a normal person?

- No. Okay. No, you hang up.
- No, you... okay.
- Okay. One, two, three.
- Shh.
- Well you didn't hang up either.
- She didn't hang up.
- Okay, no. No, you hang up.

- Women can see breasts anytime they want.
- You just look down, and there they are.
- How you get any work done is beyond me.
- What I don't get is the way guys can do so many mean things...
- And then not even care.
- Multiple orgasms!

- I love you.
- Love you too.
- All right, I'm going to bed.
- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah. I'm not going anywhere for a while.

- Is having Thanksgiving dinner with ugly naked gal.
Joey: I gotta see this.
- All: All right, ugly naked guy.
- Ooh, ugly naked dancing.
- It's nice that he has someone.

Precious: Hi, I'm Precious, who are you?
Phoebe: I-I'm Phoebe.
Precious: Phoebe? Mike's ex-girlfriend, Phoebe? The love of his life, that Phoebe?
Phoebe: Enchante.

Phoebe: You guys, this may sound weird, but I think this cat is my mom.
Ross: Uh... why do you think that?
Phoebe: Well, okay... the first thing she was drawn to was the orange felt lining of my guitar case.
Ross: So?
Phoebe: So... my mom's favorite fish was orange ruffee.
[Everyone stares...]
Phoebe: Cats love fish!

Mike: [to Phoebe] Phoebe, I love you. I mean... I missed you so much these past few months, and I thought we were apart for a good reason, but then... I suddenly realized that... there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life with you.
David: [interrupts] Kind of a step from the toes of what I was gonna say.
Mike: [to David] Sorry David, but she really has to know this.
David: [to Mike] Alright, but after this, I want to see you outside...
[Glances out the window]
David: If the rain stops...
Mike: [to Phoebe] You're the most incredible woman I've ever met. How could I lose you? Now... I don't actually have a ring.
David: [interrupts] Uh... I have a ring.
Chandler: [reminds David about his 1/70th of a carat diamond ring] I wouldn't brag too much about that thing big guy.
Mike: [to Phoebe] Phoebe, will you marry me?
Phoebe: ...No
David: [ridicules Mike] Um... Ha Ha
Phoebe: [to Mike] I love you. I never needed a proposal from you. I just needed to know that we were heading somewhere... that we had a future...
Mike: [to Phoebe] We can have any future you want.
David: [after a brief moment of silence; interrupts] 'Kay well I'm uh... I'm gonna take off
Mike: [to David] David, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry!
David: Just so I know, uh, if I had asked first...
Phoebe: I... would have said yes, but that would have been wrong.
David: Please, you don't have to explain... I mean... perhaps I hadn't gone to Minsk, things would have worked out for us. And I wouldn't have ruined my career, or lost that toe to frostbite. It was a good trip!
[walks away]

Ross: I'm really going to have to settle down. I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.
[Joey giggles]
Ross: What's so funny?
Chandler: He thought you said "gonad".

- You've done some amazing stuff.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me, I'll get myself a drink.
- I'll be back in a moment.
- Dennis Phillips! That's great!
- How did you guys meet?
- Well, you know, it's a funny story.
- Funny "ha-ha," or funny "boom, uh-oh!"

Phoebe: [about rugby] She's right. You have to stop.
Dr. Ross Geller: No, no, I'm not stopping. I'm Red Ross.
Joey: Dude, you go back out there, you're gonna be Dead Ross.

Joey: [repeated line when trying to cover up Monica and Chandler's sexual discretions] I'm Joey, I'm disgusting.

Ross: We don't need to get divorced. We're just going to get an annulment.
Joey: An annulment? Ross, I don't think surgery is the answer here.

- I think I just shipped 3000 bras to personnel.
- Honey, I gotta go. Mark, I need you.
- Okay. Bye-bye.
- Ow! Ross!
- Huh? Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
- I was just trying to...
- Uh, I was dialing another number.

- Rachet Joey?
- Oh, my god.
- Okay.

Rachel: Joey, what is wrong with your appartment? It's like a hundred degrees in there.
Joey: Did it make you want to walk around in your underwear?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Still not hot enough!

Phoebe: [Sniffs Chandler] Oh, Chandler! You stink of cigarettes!
Chandler: Do you think Monica is going to be able to smell it?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? That woman has the nose of a bloodhound! And the breasts of a Greek goddess.
Chandler: Pheebs?
Phoebe: [Looks shocked] I'm gonna go.

- It's not charity, Joe.
- No, forget it.
- Okay? I mean, thanks, but I'm done taking money from you.
- All right? I can take care of myself.
- Now, what's next? Come on.
- Okay, uh, here's the electric bill.
- This is how much we pay for electric?
- Well, yeah.
Chandler: So we'll do the rest of the bills later, then?

- Then you said, "why do they call it a check? Why not a yugoslavian?"
- Yeah, then you did that.
- So you don't have the cameras?
- No, sorry.
- 80 what? What?
- They're gone? Monica's gonna freak!
- I'm sure they're here somewhere.
- I'll help you look.
- Great.
- In three minutes.

Monica: [reading a review] In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of... continued on page 153... sucking.

[Ross's lame Halloween costume joke]
Mona: Oh, my god. You're Spudnik.
Chandler: [to Ross] Marry her.

- Oh? Oh. Aw.
- Well, I, uh, brought her some bloemen.
- That's so sweet.
- Would you like to say goodbye?
- I'm sure it would mean a lot to her.
- Oh, I don't know that it would. Heh.
- Well, her memory is pretty much gone.
- All right, then.

- How mad we got at each other before.
- And, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we...
- Rachel?
- Barry?
- I can't. I can't do it.
- I can't marry mindy.
- I'm still in love with you.
- Oh!
- We have got to start locking that door.

Joey: [Right after Chandler kiss Monica, Rachel and Phoebe] What the hell was that?
Monica: Probably some, you know, European goodbye thing he picked up in London, I don't know.
Rachel: What? That's not European.
Phoebe: Well, it felt French.

- When are those gonna become extinct?
Chandler: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible...
- That would be the best.
Gunther: What does Rachel see in this guy?
- I love Rachel.
- I wish she was my wife.

- Oh, my god.
- Is everything all right, dear?
- Just Nana's stuff.

[Ross got Joey a job at the museum, as a tour guide]
Rachel: But shouldn't you know what you're talking about?
Joey: Yeah, but they tell me everything I need to know. It's like reading a script. Like, "this is a Tyranosaurus Rex a creature from the Jurassic period".
[everyone approves]
Ross: Actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous period.
Joey: Yeah, but, I can pronounce Jurassic.

Dr. Ross Geller: I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference. That's right. These will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars.
Rachel: Do you have anything that will get us out of them?

Ross: I didn't give her that ring!
Phoebe: You didn't?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: So whose ring is it?
Ross: It's mine!
Phoebe: Is it an engagement ring?
Ross: Yes.
Phoebe: But you didn't give it to her?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: But you were going to propose?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: Huh! I might be losing interest in this.

- What's up, Joey?
- How you doing?

Ross: [Rachel, Joey and Charlie are eating fajitas, then Ross enters the scene] I'd like to make a toast, to Rachel and Joey
Rachel: Ooyy!
Ross: And... to *love*.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas]
Ross: Ahh, love... l-o-v-e. L is for life, and what is life without love?
Rachel: [to Joey] Oh my god, I was supposed to answer?
Ross: O is for Oh WOW! V is for this very surprising turn of events which I am still fine with, by the way.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas again]
Ross: E is for how *extremely* normal I find it that *you* two are together... and that one day you might get married and have children of your own.
Joey: [awkward silence] Dude, are you okay?
Ross: Totally!
[drinks margarita]
Rachel: Ross, you don't seem OK.
Ross: I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some *flan*!
Charlie: Wait Ross, Ross, I-I have to take off.
Ross: Nooo!
Charlie: I'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this has been lovely.
Ross: Wasn't it? And you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel.
Charlie: *You're on fire*! I'll call you in the morning, ok?
Ross: OK.
[goes to kitchen]
Charlie: Oh God Rachel, what Ross just said, that is-...
Rachel: Oh!that's ok, girls tend not to like me.
Charlie: Bye.
Ross: [Ross enters the room with flan] OK! I guess it's just flan for three! Hey... hey, that rhymed!
Rachel: You know what Ross? I think we're gonna take of too.
Ross: Oh, oh... Of course! God, I'm so stupid, you guys are a couple now and you probably just wanna be alone.
Rachel: No, no, it's just that it's getting late-...
Ross: Hey, hey, it's fine, it's totally fine. We've got plenty of margaritas, it's all good.
[oven timer sounds]
Ross: I don't even know what that's for.

Judy: Well, he better not come by here. He can't see the bride in the wedding dress.
Nora: As I recall, when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.
Charles: But that was after the wedding. It's not bad luck then.
Nora: Honey, it isn't good luck.

- I mean, my mom never thought this would work out.
- She was all,
- "once a cheater, always a cheater."
- Ross: Mm-hm.
- I just wish we hadn't lost those four months.
- But if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...
- We were on a break!

Ross: [on attending a party in 1987 with Rachel] After you told me that she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was alright. She was lying on my bed, all buried in people's coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forehead, but it was so dark I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away - but then I felt her kissing me back. It was only for a second, but it was amazing! And now I found out that you kissed her first!
Chandler: Wait - what bed did you say she was on?
Ross: Mine.
Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on *my* bed.
Ross: No, she was defintely on my bed.
Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on *your* bed?
Ross: Well, then, who was on my bed?
Monica: ...Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ross: [horrified] No! No! No!
Monica: Yes!
Ross: You were under the pile of coats?
Monica: I *was* the pile of coats.
Ross: Oh, my god!
Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser?
Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?
Monica: You were my first kiss ever?
Chandler: ...What did I marry into?

- That's what you really want.
- Yeah, I don't wanna be the reason you're unhappy.
- That would make me unhappy.
- And I really don't wanna be the reason
- I'm unhappy.
- Thank you.
- Besides, it might be kind of fun to form the new a-team.

Chandler: How about we just talk all night like we did when we started going out?
Monica: Alright. That does sound like fun.
Chandler: [referring to Monica's book] So how bummed were you when the second sister died?
Monica: The second sister dies?
Chandler: No. I meant the second sister dies in the book I was reading.
Monica: The second sister dies in "Archie and Jughead: Double Digest"?
Chandler: [embarrassed] That's correct.

- That's okay, Ross. You can ask me.
- What do you need? What do you need?
- Fifteen.
- All right, here's 10.
- Here, I got 5, I got 5.
- Thank you.
- Good luck.
- Okay, I am calling your 17.
- What do you got?

- It's clean.
- Yeah, well, it feels different.
- It's dry.
- All right, I can make my peace with the clean, dry towels.
- Okay, also, what is with these chips you bought?
- No, no, no. It's potpourri.
- You're supposed to smell it.
- Well, that's like summer in a bowl.

Rachel: I don't want my baby's first words to be "How You Doing"

Joey: ...Ross, to Rachel you'll never be just
[makes quotation marks with fingers]
Joey: "anybody".
Ross: There you go!
Joey: [makes quotation marks with fingers] "Thanks"!

- Not if nothing happens.
- Why can't we just hang out as friends?
- Sure. If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then maybe I'll join you.
- I'm your friend and Mike's friend.
- Well...
Phoebe: Sit down.
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Make room for your friend.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- All right, it's time...
- For the story of hanukkah.
- Years and years ago...
- There were these people called the maccabees!
- Merry Christmas!

- I thought...
- That it mattered what I said or where I said it.
- Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you...
- You make me happier than I ever thought I could be.
- And if you let me...
- I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way.

- All right. Don't tell me, don't tell me.
- Decaf cappuccino for Joey.
- Coffee, black.
- And an iced tea.
- I'm getting pretty good at this.
- Excellent. That's very good.
- Good for me.

[last lines]
Spa: [politely] Good morning Phoebe.
Phoebe: [puts on a polite tone with a smile] Good morning Receptionist.
Spa: [politely gives Phoebe a piece of paper] Here's your schedule for the day. Your first client is in room number one.
Phoebe: [looks at the schedule] Bu... Rachel Green? Son of a bitch! She came back?
[Phoebe goes to room number one and opens the door slightly]
Phoebe: [calls inside with a Scottish accent] Are ya ready for your Scottish massage? Put ya face in the hole lassie!
[Phoebe enters the room and closes the door]

- Oh. Good. Thank you.
- Um, ahem...
- And, well, there's this small matter of the, um...
- Dear?
- The matter of...
- Payment.
- Jack used to handle the finances.

- But, you know, we've grown apart, so, um...
- I don't know. Why not?
- Cool. Thanks.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Do you wanna watch
- Laverne y Shirley?

Ross: Some can sing, some can dance. I, apparently, can turn phallic cakes into woodland creatures.

Chandler: Oh, that's great, with my luck, that's gonna be him.
Phoebe: Him? Him Ross?
Chandler: No. Hymn 253, His Eyes Are on The Sparrow!

- All right, then, it's settled.
- Okay.
- I'm getting back together with my ex.
- I would love to!
- What?
- Hello?
- Oh. This is gonna be a while.
- Excuse me.
- Um, yeah.

Ross: What is the name of Chandler's father's all male burlesque review?
Monica: Viva Las Gay-gas.
Chandler: Unfortunately, that would be correct.

- Okay. One thing at a time.
- Are you gonna play?
- No, I don't really have any money.
- Not yet, anyway.
- Can't sit here if you don't play.

- What do you wanna do?
- Let's rip.
- Really? Are you sure?
- Phoebe!
- Okay. Sorry. Yeah.
- Hey, rach.
- Go on-stage. I'll get a picture of you doing the speech.
- Okay. Okay.

Kiki: Rachel!
- What?
- You missed the exit.
- Oh! Sorry.
- My god, what were you thinking about?
- Ahem, um...
- Barry.

- We take the same bus, we go to the same bookstore, same dry cleaner.
- Maybe he's the tea guy.
Chandler: Pheebs, did you see that?
- He totally checked you out and he is so cute.
- Mine is a picture of the village people.
- What does that mean?
- Hi.
- Hey.

Russ: Hey, you listen.
Ross: No, no, let me finish.
Russ: No, let me finish.
Ross: No, you let me fini...
[Rachel walks up behind them]
Ross: Hi.
Russ: Hi.
Rachel: Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!
[turns away]

- Let's go.
- No, wait!
- We need something old.
- I have a condom in my wallet that I've had since I was 12.
- Now something borrowed.
- Here, just take this.
- That's stealing.
- We'll bring it back.
- Put it under your dress.

- Right about now funk soul brother
- Neighbors [chanting]: Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard! Howard!

Chandler: [walking in the door] Honey, I'm old.
Monica: I didn't know you were coming home from lunch. Can I get you anything?
Chandler: Sure, a tube of polident. Some Depends. Birthday wishes from Willard Scott.

Monica: I just had the most amazing bath.
Chandler: Really, I don't like baths.
Monica: You like them with me.
Chandler: It's bit the bath I enjoy, its the wet naked lady.

Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She says that if you wanna break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do, like, a cleansing ritual.
Rachel: Phoebs, this woman is voluntarily bald.
Phoebe: Yeah.
[shrugs]
Phoebe: We can do it tomorrow night, guys. It's Valentine's Day, it's perfect.
Monica: Okay, but what kind of ritual?
Phoebe: Okay. We can, um... We can burn the stuff they gave us.
Rachel: Or...?
Phoebe: Or... Or... we can chant and dance naked. You know, with sticks.
Monica: Burning's good.
Rachel: Burning's good.

Phoebe: Oh, thank you.
- Ihope_"
- I hope you know how much you mean to me.
- Listen, I hope...
- I hope that you know...
- I don't want you to see your father cry.
- Go to your room!

[upon seeing the big, stuffed animal]
Rachel: There's what every mother needs. A giant, stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment. What are people think...
[reading the tag, clearly not happy]
Rachel: Oh you guys, I love it!

- If I'd known you guys were coming over,
- I would've brought more pizza.
- Okay. Okay. Stop it, you.
- You stop it.
- What is so funny about that?
- I don't know, it's...
- Well, just the way you say it.
- I mean, you're funny. You have that funny thing. You're a funny guy.
- Did you tell her what we talked about?

- Did you talk to them about, you know...
- Yeah, um...
- No, honey.
- Oh, okay.
- It was a long shot.
- You guys? Can I just have a second alone with the babies?

- Uh, twenty-four, twenty-five.
- Huh. It looks like a fun gang.
- Ooh, look, look, look.
- I got Monica naked.
- Let me see.
- No, no. That would be me again.
- I'm, uh, just trying something.

Phoebe: Hey, don't let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on your way out.

Ross: No Phoebe. You don't want to see what's under there.
Phoebe: Oh my God... the foster puppets.

- Well, to always knock before going into the pool house.
- But the other thing was, never borrow money.
- Wow, I had no idea you had this much pride.
- That's right, I do. I am your man.
- And I'm gonna get us through this situation...
- Even if it means you working twice as hard.

- My parents are gonna be really mad.
- Is that...? Are you saying "yes"?
- Is that "yes"?
- Yes!
- Yes?
- We're getting married!
- Oh, my god!
- Yes! Ha, ha.
- We're getting married!
- Come here, come here.

Phoebe: Oh, my God! He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy is having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal.
Joey: [the gang rushes to the window] All right, Ugly Naked Guy!
Monica: Ooh, ugly naked dancing!
Phoebe: It's nice that he has someone.

Phoebe: So I figured it out.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. 'Cause I'm not sexy enough.
Joey: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler. I said, "excellent butt, great rack"
Phoebe: Really, that's so sweet, and I'm officially offended.

- I can't believe there is no money for my wedding.
- We might still have some if your father hadn't thought...
- To sell ice over the Internet.
- It seemed like such a simple idea.
- Stupid, Jack. The word is stupid.
- All right, enough.
- I don't want to hear about it anymore.
- Good luck, Chandler.

- And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest and his stomach.
- And then he could use his teeth, his teeth, to undo her dress and...
- And then right when the scene ends, he could take her...
- With this raw, animal...
- Something like that?
- Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in mind.

- You know, and a kiss on the cheek wouldn't be totally inappropriate.
- No.no.
- I mean...
- In Minsk?
- Yeah?
- It's, um, two on each cheek...
- Mm-hm.
- And, uh, one on the lips.
- Well, if that's what they do in Minsk...
- In New York, it's...

Phoebe: [looking at the menu at the restaurant] Wow, look at these prices.
Rachel: Yeah, these are pretty cha-ching.
Joey: I know. What are these, like famous chickens?

Ross: [Ross is hungover] I do still have a girlfriend, don't I? She didn't... see the dance?
Joey: No. That was just for me.

Ross: I can't see anything with the door closed.
Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

- Just then or all the time?
- Because we have jobs, you know?
- Come on, we will be there for you the whole time. Just remember: Gal pal, Rachel green.
- I'm gonna be in soap opera digest.
- And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle.
- Seriously, proud of you.
- Yeah.

- Oh, my god.
- Look at that.
- I know.

Melissa: This has been so great Ray Ray, here's my card.
Rachel: Oh wow, thanks. Oh, you're in real estate?
Melissa: Oh no, that's an old card. I wanted to get out of that and do something where I could really help people and make a difference.
Rachel: Wow, well what do you do now?
Melissa: I'm a party planner.

- Close personal friend.
- You mean they're lovers?
- If you want to put a label on it.
- Anything else I should know?
- Nope. That's it.
- Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby.
- I always forget that part.

Joey: Oh my God, Angela. Well I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, that seems good.

Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing... Your parents never gave you a chance.

Phoebe: [brainstorming romanic songs] I think the one Elton John wrote for that guy on Who's the Boss?
Rachel: What song is that Phoebs?
Phoebe: [singing] Hold me close, young Tony Danza

- No, I'm not some sloppy second, you know, charity band.
- There are thousands of places in this city...
- Where people would pay to hear me play.
Phoebe: [singing] When I play, I play for me
- I don't need your charity thank you!

Charles: [performing as Helena Handbasket] I feel pretty, oh so pretty / I feel pretty and witty and...
Audience: Gay!

Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Phoebe: [Mike is going back to his apartment after two days at Phoebe's] I want you to stay!
Mike: I want to stay, too, but I've gotten about as much use out of these boxers as I can.
Phoebe: Why don't you turn them inside ou - ?
Mike: Done it.

Chandler: And, Joey, while I'm gone don't let Ross look at any maps of the States or the globe in your apartment.
Joey: Don't worry. It's not a globe of the United States.

Ross: Damn it! This is all your fault! This was supposed to be like the greatest day of my life, you know. My son is being born and... I should be in there, you know. Instead I'm stuck in a closet with you.
Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.
Ross: No, believe me, no one has been waiting for this just as much as I have. Okay, and you know what the funny thing is? When this thing is over, you get to go home with the baby, okay. Where does that leave me?
Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. And who am I? There's Fathers Day, there's Mothers Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.
Ross: [exasperated] Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

Chandler: [Chandler is doing sit-ups, but falls back on the floor]
Monica: Come on, give me five more.
Chandler: No.
Monica: Five more!
Chandler: No!
Monica: Five more, and I'll flash you.
Chandler: [Chandler immediately resumes his sit-ups]
Chandler: One... two... two and a half. Okay, just show me one of them.

Dr. Ross Geller: This is our wedding day! From now on, everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word, no grandchildren!

Rachel: [Monica pointed out that Rachel has dental floss in her hair, and she whispers:] We ended up having sex in his chair.
Monica: [yells] You had sex in his chair?
[the others hear]
Monica: I said that a little bit too loudly, didn't I?
Dr. Ross Geller: You- You did what?
Phoebe: Sex in his chair.

Joey: I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister. Ya know, when Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for, like, ten years.
Chandler: That was five years ago.
Joey: I know. You got five more years.
Chandler: Joey...
Joey: You want to make it six?

- I totally understand you need to...
- Make sure I don't have any horrible scars or tattoos.
- Don't you worry.
- I have nothing to hide.
- So, there you go. That's me.
- One hundred-percent natural.

[when Joey asks why Chandler's friend is called Gandalf]
Chandler: Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey: No. I had sex in high school.

Chandler: OK Ross, time is up.
Ross: Oh, just give me another minute.
Chandler: OK look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them. OK? That is the beauty of this game, it makes you want to kill yourself.

- Ross: My god, these pants. I'm burning up.
- Oh, god. She wants to snuggle now?
- What, is she trying to kill me?
- It's like a volcano in here.
- Are you hot?
- No.
- Okay, it must just be me then.

- All right, that's it.
- Forget the bubble wrap!
- There isn't time!
- Frizzy, frizzy, frizzy!
- Shouldn't we stop this?
- Are you out of your mind?
- Let's throw some jell-o on them!
- Gross!

Phoebe: No! No! No!
Monica: Wait, you didn't just sit on my Kit Kats did you?
Phoebe: No. There was a little... little dip in the market and I lost 13 million dollars.
Chandler: But the Kit Kats are alright?

Rachel: [Rachel & Ross are making out, & Rachel feels a wet spot] Oh! Oh, honey, that's OK!
Ross: Oh... you just rolled over the juice box!
Rachel: Oh, thank God!
[kisses him again]

Phoebe: Me, I'm more free. You know, I run like I did when I was a kid because that's the only way it's fun. You know? I'm mean, didn't you even run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off, you know, like when you were like, running towards the swings or running away from Satan?
[Rachel looks confused]
Phoebe: The neighbor's dog.

- No one. I'm just saying if we did...
- Tell me what you know!
- No one. Nothing. Mike's a great guy.
- It was hypothetical.
- All right. He is a good guy.
- You're right. He wouldn't cheat.
- If I did see him with someone, there's no way I...
- Who did you see him with?

- You broke up?
- Yeah, but it's okay because when Ross left, Mark came over.
- Oh, no! You and Mark?
- No, it's okay. Calm down.
- Mark and I talked...
- And I realized how much
- I love your stupid brother.
- We got our problems, but I really wanna make it work.

Dr. Ross Geller: [Ross is trying to flirt with the pizza delivery girl] Hey, uh... you know that smell gas has?
Caitlin: ...Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller: They put that in.
Caitlin: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: The gas is odorless - but they add the smell, so you know when there's a leak.
Caitlin: ...Well, OK.
Dr. Ross Geller: A lot of other gas smells.
Chandler: ...Oh, the humanity.
Dr. Ross Geller: ...Meth- methane smells.

- We aren't exactly sleeping in here, but do you mind?
- Can I sleep on your couch?

- Hi.
- You have lipstick right here.
- Oh.
- Huh. That's okay, it's mine.
- We just kissed.
- So isn't it a bit cold out for shorts?
- Well, I'm from California.
- Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flame.

[the friends enter the beach house]
Monica: [to Monica] You know what this reminds me of? Um, why couldn't I be your boyfriend?
Monica: [smiles but in disbelief] Are you still *on* that?
Chandler: [gladly] Uh-huh.
Joey: [cooly] Would you let it go already?
Monica: [gladly] Thank you Joey.
Joey: [puts down his suitcase] But you'd go out with me, right?
Monica: [trying not to laugh] No! You're the same as with Chandler - we're friends.
Joey: Well, let's say we were the last two guys on the face of the planet, and you had a gun to your head. Which one would you pick?
Monica: [smartly] Which one of you has the gun to my head?

- Take good care of her.
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
- If you want your key back,
- I totally understand.
- It's never gonna happen again, right?
- Right. Never. I swear.
- I... oh, I just want to say, if you do ever come to Minsk, that's my number.
- We'll, uh, party up vladnik-style.

Phoebe: [has no clients] Such a dummy. I taught this massage-yourself-at-home workshop. And they are.

[Mouths] Oh.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah!
- I always picture your mom when I'm having sex.
- Man [on TV]: April 12, 1861.
- The United States Garrison at fort sumter was fired upon.
- It is now under bombardment by...

- Do I really wanna put myself through that again?
- So let me get this straight.
- If you go with Bonnie tonight...
- You're doing the smart, healthy thing and moving on.
- Yeah.
- Right?
- And if you go with Rachel,
- Bonnie's free tonight?

- Drops!
- What?
- Drops. Here, they're free.
- Thanks. Uh, so...
- I guess I better be going.
- Oh, okay, yeah, I'll see you later.
- Thanks again.
- Oh.

- Phoebe: Bye. Joey: Bye, pheebs.
- Mwah. Goodbye. Mwah.
Monica: Bye.
- Safe flight.
Joey: London, baby.
- Oh, god.
- Oh. Do you need a hug?
- You don't have to bring me anything.

- How is she gonna handle this financially?
- How is she gonna juggle work?
- Does she realize she's not gonna have a date again for the next 18 years?
- I don't know.
- Are you okay?
- I'm just thinking about Phoebe.
- Poor, knocked-up Phoebe.
- Champagne?
- Oh, yes. Thank you very much. Whew.

- She says Marcel's humping thing is not a phase.
- Apparently, he's reached sexual maturity.
- Hey, he beat you!
- She says, as time goes on, he'll start getting aggressive and violent.
- What does this mean?
- I have to give him up.

- "If I have to," like, 17 times...
- Then I'd be saying, "okay, let's do it."
- But you're not.
- Oh, my god. I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say.
- I wanna have a baby.
- But I don't want to have one with someone who doesn't really want to have one.

- And, action!
- Director: Cut!
- Don't worry about it.
- It usually takes me three takes too.
- Ha-ha-ha. All right, eight.
- Director: And...
- Action!

- I'm just gonna wait.
- The scary pigeon's back?
- It's huge.

- You don't believe in soul mates, so...
- I believe in handsome strangers who hit on my wife.
- Just because I think they're soul mates doesn't mean anything'll happen.
- Phoebe? Good work.
- Yeah?
- He's great. I love him.
- Don't worry, we'll find you someone else.

- Ten seconds.
- You need this or you lose the game.
- It has something to do with transponding.
- Oh! Oh! He's a transponster.
- That's not even a word!
- I can get this. I can get this.
- Both: Yes!

- I don't think we should get this house now.
- Don't say that. Don't dangle the dream and take it away.
- Chandler, one of us has got to be strong.
- I understand.
- Although...
- Maybe just one last moment of weakness.

Ross: You're sleeping with my sister?
Joey: [Covering for Chandler] It was only for one night. It was when we were in London.
Ross: This is not good for my rage.

Jill: You made me doubt my smartness.
[gasps]
Jill: You made me doubt my fashion sense!

Monica: You've got to get over this. Okay? You won't end up alone.
Chandler: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch that there aren't any great women out there.
Rachel: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we've ever gone out with.
Monica: You are not a freak. You're a guy.
Rachel: She's right. She's right. You're no different than the rest.
Monica: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yes, he is. You are totally different.
Chandler: In a bad way?
Monica: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You're ready to take risks, be vulnerable and intimate with someone.
Rachel: You're not gonna end up alone.
Phoebe: You called Janice. That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
Monica: You've made it!
Phoebe: You're there!
Rachel: You are ready to make a commitment!
Chandler: Whoa! Don't know about that.

[Ross and Cassie are sitting on the couch watching a movie and drinking wine]
Ross: [in his head] She's your cousin. She's your *cousin*. If she knew what was going on in your head, she'd think you were sick.
[Cassie reaches for some popcorn in a bowl that's in Ross' lap]
Ross: Or would she? Let's back up for a second. She was the one who suggested opening a bottle of wine. She was the one who turned down the lights. She was the one that wanted to rent Logan's Run, the sexiest movie ever.
[Cassie grabs a blanket behind Ross and smiles at him]
Ross: Oh, I know that look. Forget it. I want it, she wants it, I'm going in.
[Ross and Cassie look at each other and smile then Ross leans in for a kiss and Cassie backs away, disturbed]
Cassie: What the hell are you doing?
Ross: [frozen, still in his head] Say something clever...
[doesn't say anything]
Ross: Okay, doesn't have to be clever, just has to be words. Say some words.
[still doesn't say anything]
Ross: Any words will do.
[Ross still sitting frozen staring at Cassie]
Ross: Oh my God, this the longest that anyone has not talked ever! There is nothing you could say to make this worse, so just say something!
Ross: [out loud] I... I haven't had sex in a *very* long time.
[Cassie gets off the couch and walks away]
Ross: [in his head again] Yeah, you really shouldn't have said anything.

- No, because he's in love with the British chippie.
- Look, Rachel, if you go, you'rejust gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding.
- You know? It's too late.
- You missed your chance.
- I'm sorry. I know this must be really hard.
- But it's over.
- You know what? No.
- It's not over until someone says "I do."

- Really, really awful.
- Okay, I hear what you're saying.
- I'm with you.
- But I'm trying really hard, and I think I'm doing better.
- I really do.
- Does anybody need coffee?
- Man: Yeah, over here.
- Woman: Yeah, I do.

- Right about now funk soul brother check it out now funk soul brother right about now funk soul brother

Referee: [to Pete] Are you ready?
Pete: [Nods]
Referee: [to Tank] Are you ready?
Tank: [Nods]
Referee: Let's get it on!

- -Uh-oh. Ross: What?
- I have to pee.
- And Rachel's in the bathroom.
Joey: Man, I didn't think we were gonna make it.
- I know.
- Don't switch hands, okay?

[Ross is at college reunion and talking to a girl that both he and Chandler used to have a crush on]
Ross: He and I both really liked you a lot, but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship - so we kinda made a pact that neither of us could ask you out.
Missy: Really?
Ross: Yeah - why?
Missy: Well, Chandler and I used to make out. A lot!
Ross: You did?
Missy: Yeah. We'd go to the science lab after hours...
Ross: And on my turf?

Chandler: Stop staring at my wife's legs. No, no, stop staring at your sister's legs.

- Come on!
- You know what?
- We need to move on.
- Oh, no, I could do it one more time.
- See, look.
- Mm, noodle soup.
- Damn it.

Joey: Aww, man. That's the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out he's my roommate, she's gonna tell him what I did.
Monica: Well, what did you do?
Joey: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can't, I can't tell you that, it's like the most awful, horrible thing I've ever done my whole life.
Monica: You know what, don't tell us. We'll just wait until Chandler gets home, because it'll be more fun that way.

- Go take the test, see if we're okay.
- Okay.
- Tough crib.
- Hey, where are all my ovulation sticks?
- There's only one here.
- I might have checked to see if I was ovulating a couple times.
- Chandler.
- I am not working! There's not much to do around here!

Phoebe: [on answer machine] Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. Hey! What if I'm already there when you're playing this message?
Phoebe: [giggling] Is that too spooky?

- I will go for that drink.
- You got it. Good woman.
- A bottle of your most overpriced champagne.
- Each.
- That's right. Each.
- Oh. And a, uh, Rob Roy.
- I've always wanted to know.

Dr. Ross Geller: [after filling up the cab's gas tank] You're welcome.
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with someone else?

- Wait, so you're going?
- Well, okay, I, uh... I have to.
- I can't deal with this right now.
- I mean, I've, uh... heh.
- You know, I've got a cab.
- I've got a girlfriend.
- I'm gonna go get a cat.
- Okay. Okay.
- Cat!

[first lines]
Monica: [playing game] Phoebe?
Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I was omnipotent for a day, I'd want, uh, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain forest. And bigger boobs!
Ross: Oh. So you took mine! Chandler, how about you?
Chandler: Uh, if I was omnipotent for a day, I'd make myself omnipotent forever.
Rachel: [smirks] See? There's always one guy. "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes."

Rachel: [throws her arms up into the air to welcome them] Tah-dah!
Chandler: Are we greeting each other that way now? Because I like that!

- You're building a post office?
- No, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in.
- It's a one-dayjob, Max.
- Okay.
- My word, those are snug.
- Oh, yeah. These are my old work pants.
- Sergio valente.

Chandler: [There is a canoe in the living room] Come on in, have a seat. Bow or stern?
Kathy: I don't really have a preference. You?
Chandler: I like it in the stern... of the boat.

Ross: If you two are happy, then I'm happy for you. I'm FINE!

Chandler: [Chandler just won at ping pong] I never sucked. I just didn't want you to know how good I was.
Monica: Why?
Chandler: I don't know.
Monica: This is so great! Now we can enter into doubles tournaments.
Chandler: That's why.

Phoebe: [bank error $500 in her favor] It's just that now that I have to go down there and deal with them!
Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe: It's not mine! If I kept it, it would be like stealing!
Rachel: Yeah, but if you kept it, it would be like shopping!

Joey: It's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. I've always felt that we have this "special bond". Rachel Green, will you marry me?
Rachel: What?
Monica: What?
Phoebe: WHAT!

Ross: [after Joey enters and exits the apartment singing] I guess he must've gotten the part in that play.
Phoebe: Oh!
Monica: Oh!
Chandler: Yeah, either that or Gloria Estefan *was* right. Eventually, the rhythm *is* going to get you.

- I'm sorry?
- Bakersfield.
- No, no, I heard. I'm just sorry.
- I'll meet you back at the hotel.
- Look, a standing ovation already.
- So early in the show.
- Turn around, darling.
- Let me see your pretty face.
- Can we have our drinks, please?
- Uh, waiter? Tress?

- Wait. Cassie's in the guest room.
- We're going to lunch.
- Get rid of her, obsessive and shrill!
- Shrill? The wedding is back on.
- I thought I heard voices.
- You must be Chandler.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
- So, ready to go?
- Yeah.

Dr. Michael Mitchell: God bless the chickpea.

- She hates him.
Russ: Oh.
- Hey.
Chandler: Hey, Julie.
Phoebe: Hey, how are you doing?
- Oh. I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross...
- But I guess I'm doing okay.
- Actually, I've got some of his stuff that he, um...

- Well, tell him, "apology accepted."
- He's unbelievable. For the first time in three years, someone wants to talk to me.
- But do you think he would let me enjoy that? No.
- You silly diplomat.
- Why don't you learn some English, Sergei?
- Excuse me, but, um, ahem, isn't he paying for your dinner?
- Hey, the man's dog just died.

Rachel: You really think I didn't say "good-bye" because I don't care?
Dr. Ross Geller: That's what it seemed like.
Rachel: I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know *one* thing about me!
Dr. Ross Geller: Fine! That why didn't you say something?
Rachel: Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you! When I think about not seeing you everyday, it makes me not want to go! Okay? So if you think that, that I didn't say "good-bye" to you because you don't mean as much to me as everyone else, you're wrong. It's because you mean *more* to me. So there! All right? *There's* your good-bye!
Dr. Ross Geller: Rach!
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: You ca - ! You keep - ! You can't - !
Rachel: What?
[Ross kisses her]

- It was amazing, and not just for her.
- Uh-uh. For me too.
- It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind...
- But all my other senses are heightened.
- You know? It's like,
- I was able to appreciate it...
- On another level.
- I didn't know you had another level.

- Now, if you don't mind,
- I'm gonna take the rest of my stuff...
- And relax...
- In my favorite shirt.
- You have a pleasant evening.

Phoebe: Did you notice how he
[fun Bobby]
Phoebe: always starts his stories with um "Ok, I was so wasted" or "ooh, we were so bombed" or um "so I wake up and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut".

Chandler: Out, out, out! Get out! Take your stupid small fruit and get out!
Eddie: You want me to move out.
Chandler: Uh-huh!
Eddie: Wow! I gotta tell you man, that's kinda out of the blue.
Chandler: It's not out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue!

- And if you have a plan, you should stick to it.
- That's why they call them plans.
- Hello? Ha, ha.
- I'm fine.
- Hey, for what it's worth...
- With Rachel, I don't think you'll ever be just "anybody."
- Hey, there you go.

Dr. Leonard Green: So what's new with you, Geller? Knocked up any more of my daughters lately?
Dr. Ross Geller: [nervously] Nope, just the one.

- It was totally flirting!
- "Somebody got a haircut..."
- First of all, the impression? Uncanny.
- Second, that wasn't flirting. That was just casual conversation between two people.
- Oh! Yeah, right.
- You wanna see flirting?
- I'll show you flirting.
- I'm good. I'm okay.

Phoebe: [positions her Christmas arrangement to cover the stain on her dress as Monica runs into the room and over to the answering machine] Ross went to get a cab so we can all..
[Monica starts dialling]
Phoebe: [looks up] What are you doing? No Monica! No!
[phone calls Richard's number and his recorded message answers]
Dr. Richard Burke: [on the answering machine] Hi. This is Richard.
[Monica enters a code and the recorded message stops]
Answering: You have 3 new messages.
Monica: [enters another code as Phoebe sits on the table] Not anymore!
Answering: Message list.
[Monica enters another code]
Answering: To record a new message, begin speaking at the tone.
Monica: [picks up the phone] Hi Richard, it's Monica um, listen I-I did something kind of crazy tonight um.. maybe I'm getting my period or something I don't know. Anyway uh... I-I beeped into your machine and I heard this message that-that freaked me out and um.. You know what? Michele will tell you the rest. I-I-I-I'm sorry OK? And I hope that we can forget the whole thing. OK, bye.
[Monica hangs and sighs in relief]
Answering: The Outgoing message has now been changed.
Monica: [shocked] Outgoing? Did that say *Outgoing*? Not Outgoing!
[Monica quickly dials Richard's number and the message she meant to leave for Richard turns out to be the new recorded message on his answering machine]
Answering: [Monica's voice] Hi Richard, it's Monica um, listen I-I did something kind of crazy tonight um.. maybe I'm getting my period or something...
[Monica and Phoebe looked shocked at each other]
Monica: [hastily pressing buttons on the machine] NO!
Phoebe: How did you do that?
Monica: [incredulous] I don't know!
Answering: Goodbye.
Monica: [screams] NO!
Ross: [enters the apartment, completely unaware of what's just happened] OK. OK. I've got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go!
Monica: [quiet but frantic] Maybe we can call the Phone Company. Maybe they can change the message. Maybe they can change his number.
Phoebe: [assuring] Yeah. I think after this, he'll be going that *himself*.

Dr. Ross Geller: [reading his list of 5 celebrities he's allowed to sleep with] Elizabeth Hurley.
Chandler: Very attractive, forgiving.
Dr. Ross Geller: Susan Sarandon.
Chandler: She's too political, to do it with her, you'd probably have to donate four cans of food first.
Dr. Ross Geller: Isabella Rosellini.
Chandler: She's too international.
Rachel: So?
Chandler: So you gotta pick the odds, pick someone who will be in the country all the time.
Rachel: Yeah because that's why you weren't get Isabella Rosellini, geography.

- This is worse than when he married the lesbian.
- Just keep smiling.
- Okay...
- Well, that went well. Yeah.
- It could've been worse.
- He could've shot her.
- Ha, ha. That was pretty funny, wasn't it?

Joey: "Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar..."
- Vicar?
- "Wouldn't be home for hours.
- Her loins were burning.
- She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his..."
- This is a dirty book.

Rachel: Honey what are you doing here?
Phoebe: [to Ross] Which sister is this, the spoiled one or the one that bit her?
Jill: Daddy cut me off.
Phoebe: [to Ross] Never mind I got it.
Jill: And you know what I said to him? I said, I'm gonna hire a lawyer and I'm gonna sue you and take all your money and then cut *you* off.
Rachel: Wow. What did he say?
Jill: He said he wouldn't pay for my lawyer.

- Would you stop that?
- You know what she said after her lunch with Richard?
- She didn't feel anything for him.
- She loves you.
- Really?
- Yes.
- She feels terrible. She really wants to make up. You've gotta find her.
- Okay.

[to Joey]
Phoebe: A promise between friends means never having to give a reason.

Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: Looking for restaurant jobs for you in Tulsa.
Monica: Ah, that's so sweet. Did you find anything?
Chandler: Slim Pickens'.
Monica: Hmmm. Nothing huh?
Chandler: No - Slim Pickens'. It's a barbeque joint.
Monica: Slim Pickens'? That is so cheesy.
Chandler: So Cheesy also has an opening.

- Uh, uh, excuse me.
- Yeah.
- If you're planning on doing that the entire flight...
- Please tell me now so that I can take a sedative.
- Or maybe slip you one.
- It's just, I'm, uh, kind of excited.
- I'm, um, going to London to, uh, tell this guy that I love him.

- No, Phoebe, no. I was... no.
- I was actually just checking...
- To see...
- If I could run. And I can.
- Please, Rachel, I'm not an idiot.
- No, wait. Phoebe?

- I know what you need.
- You need a bodyguard.
- Hey, Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool?
- Okay, come on, Joey is having a problem.
- There's a little girl who's beating him up.
- Aw, Joey, come here. Look.
- Honey, I know. This must be really, really difficult for you, and...
- Oh, I'm sorry, am I hurting you?

- And I'm sure that Jessica...
- Would like to thank my parents...
- Who always believed in me.
- And she'd also like to thank my friends: Chandler, Monica, Ross,
- Phoebe and Rachel...
- Who's sitting right there.

Chandler: I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.
Rachel: The... the WENUS?
Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. It's a processing term.
Rachel: Oh, that WENUS.

[Joey arrives wearing 'boring' clothes]
Monica: [annoyed] You didn't dress up *either*?
Joey: [calmly presents himself] Yes I did. I'm Chandler!

- But I was kind of hoping we could hook up again.
- You know, I barely had the nerve to make this call...
- So you know what I did?
- What?
- I got a little drunk...
- And naked.
[In deep voice] Bob here.

Rachel: You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby.
Amy: Oh yeah, well you didn't come to see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done.
Rachel: I did the first time! And you want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you?
Ross: Emma
Rachel: Who's side are you on?

- Hi, Tony, can I call you back?
- That's, uh...
- That's my sister's boyfriend.
- Give me that.
- Okay.
- Sweetie, before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your place?
- Hi, mom.

Joey: You're so talented.
Jessica: I am. I am.

Monica: [about childbirth] Chandler, it's a natural thing, it's beautiful.
Chandler: Oh, you think this is beautiful?
[turns the videotape on, sounds of a woman giving a painful birth]
Monica: Oh my god, no wonder my mother hates me!
Chandler: See honey, there's...
[puts his hand on her knee]
Monica: Don't touch me!

- I have to figure...
- Some stuff, before I can...
- Yeah, I understand.
- Take as much time as you want.
- Ten, 20 minutes, if you need it.
- I'll be here. Not smoking.

Chandler: Phebes, can I have the milk after you?
Phoebe: I'm almost done with it. Keep your panties on.

Chandler: OK, now try again.
Monica: Chandler, would you like some more orange juice?
Chandler: Perfect. Now you see, that wasn't loud.
Monica: [yelling] I know!

Dr. Tim Burke: [on Chandler, who is inside the box] Why is he...?
Joey: He's doing some thinking!

Aunt: What's going on?
Jack: She may have died.
Aunt: She *may* have died?
Jack: We're looking into it.

[Ross coming back from bathroom, getting ready to play poker with Rachel]
Ross: Your money's mine, Green.
Rachel: Your fly's open, Geller.

Phoebe: Alright, I'm gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very *hootie* place right now.
Rachel: Me neither.
Joey: Me too.
Monica: Guys, we bought the tickets.
Phoebe: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
Chandler: Why did you look at me when you said that?

Phoebe: [singing and playing in the coffee house] Dumb, drunken, bitch!

Monica: Okay, Ben, why don't you come open some more presents? And Santa, the Armadillo man and I will have a talk in the kitchen. There's a sentence, I never thought I'd say.

- Danger!
- Ah, huh? Unagi.
Joey: Two thousand bucks is a lot of money.
- Boy, I wish I had a twin.
- Where could I find someone...
- Who looks exactly like me?

- Get up! Get up! Get up!
- What is that noise?
- She's going through some changes.
- What kind of changes?
- Well, the vet seems to think that she's becoming a rooster.
- We're getting a second opinion.

Chandler: I'm sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a fifty year old woman?
Ross: She didn't look fifty!
Chandler: Did she look sixteen?

Phoebe: This next song is kinda sad. It's called "Magician Box Mix-Up."

Rachel: I can't watch - it's like firing Elmo.

Rachel: What's going on?
Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress.
Joey: So, I'm thinking basically we pick it up, and then we flip it.

Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.

- I wanna get out of the room.
- I really miss downstairs.
- Okay, you know what? There is only one way I am leaving this hotel room.
- Well, hello!
- I'm Ross.
- Good luck to you.
- Sir, you've got a little something...

- Now you know how you really feel about it.
- Oh! That's a risky little game.
- Are you really gonna do this?
- Yeah. I'm gonna have a baby.
- I'm gonna have a baby!
- I'm gonna have a baby!
- With who?
- No, it's still not the time.

Joey: I'd rather be alone. You know, I really need to organize my thoughts.
Chandler: [smiles] You thoughts?
[Joey nods]
Chandler: Plural?
Joey: [sighs] Alright, fine, I have only one thought: it's about the hot nanny, I've got to see her!

Phoebe: [singing] Sometimes men love women/Sometimes men love men/And then there are bisexuals/Though some just say they're kidding themselves/

Rachel: OK, listen to what Sean McMann said in my yearbook. 'Dear Rachel, you are a very nice person.' Not girl; person.
Ross: Rachel, I think you're reading too much into it.
Rachel: 'Dear Rachel, you are a very nice person. Sorry about your teeny weeny.'
[Will laughs at Rachel]
Ross: Look, what do you want me to do? You want me to call everyone in the entire school and tell them it wasn't true?
Rachel: Yes.
Will: Could you also tell them I'm skinny now?
Monica: Oh, me too.
Ross: Now look, I'm not calling anybody. Ok, it was like a million years ago.
Rachel: I don't care how long ago it was. You told people I was half and half.

- But you should talk to my roommate.
- I told him, and he knows Phoebe too.
- Who's your roommate?
- Ross: Gunther! Gunther!
- Tell me you didn't tell Rachel about me and the girl from the copy place.
- I'm sorry.
- Was I not supposed to?

- And there's a loaf in the new bread maker
- I won't eat. Know why?
- Because...
- It's all tainted with your betrayal.
- This apartment is empty to me.
- I'm not happy about you, either.
- And just so you know...
- I made that bread for you.

- So instead you told me Monica was pregnant?
- You did, I just didn't disagree.
- Photographer: Smile, ladies!
- Ohh.
- By the way, James brolin?
- Ugh. I know.
- I could only think of two names: Him and ed begley Jr. and then...
- I remembered he's gay, so...
- Ed begley Jr. is not gay.
- Really?

Ross: Hypnosis is beyond crap.
Rachel: Ross, I watched you get hypnotized in Atlantic City.
Ross: Hey, that guy did not hypnotize me.
Rachel: Oh right, 'cause you always pull your pants down on the count of three and play "Wipeout" on your butt cheeks.

- And I have to hear: "Oh, my eye! Oh, god, my eye!"
- I mean, it's so annoying.
- Yes, thank you.
- You see, this is how normal people are supposed to react to drums.
- You got Joey drums to annoy Rachel...
- So she wouldn't want to live there anymore?
- Maybe on some level.

- Is there, uh...? Is there some way that they could, uh, not be here?
- It's just that, uh, farm birds really kind of freak me out.
- Yeah. Okay, okay.
- Okay, great.
- Here we go. Here we go. Whoa.
- Whoa.
- Oh, sorry.
- There you go.

- The tomatoes are squishing.
- Oh, yeah. Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh, gosh. You got some on your shirt.
- Yeah.
- Hold on a second.
- Okay, just put a little club soda on it.
- Get to it right away.
- It should, um, do...

Ross: Ok, Monica once got a pencil stuck in a certain part of her body. What body part was it?
[Chandler whispers the answer in Ross' ear]
Ross: EEWW NO. Her EAR.

- I have really specific ideas.
- We should meet four times a week.
- Come to my place, we'll get together before work.
- What do you say, 6:30, my place?
- So excited!
- Yeah, okay. You laugh now.
- She's gonna be yours.

- Come on, man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinking: You haven't been out with a woman since Janice. You're doing this.
- -Hi.
- She said yes.
- Ahem.
- Yes! Way to go, man.
Chandler: Still got the egg, huh?
- Yeah.

- It's just perfect.
- Oh, good.
- I bet it has a great story too.
- Did they tell you where it's from or...
- Yes, that I know.
- This is from, uh, white plains.
- White plains.
- Mm-hm.
- Ooh, it sounds like such a magical place.

- Because I can't date like a normal person.
- Which is fine,
- I don't need a relationship.
- All I really want is one great night.
- Justsex.
- You know?
- No strings attached. No relationship.
- Just with someone I feel comfortable with and who knows what he's doing.
- For just one great night.
- I mean, is that really so hard...

Joey: I've never been through the tunnel myself because the way I understand it, you can't go through it if you have more than one girl in the car but the way I see it, you face your fears same as anything else, you've got a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building, you've got a fear of bugs, get a bug, in your case you've got a fear of commitment so you go in there and be the most committed guy there was
Rachel: Amazingly that actually makes sense
Chandler: Really?
Joey: Sure jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind
Chandler: I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm going to be peeing every which way

- Are you scared? Are you?
- That was my scariest voice. You're brave.
- Hey. Ugh.
- Chandler & Monica: Hey.
- The worst day.
- You're finally making progress at work, then your boss calls you racquel.
- First four years of my work, they called me...

- No. He's calling everyone on her side of the family...
- Hoping someone will help him get in touch with her.
- I don't care if I said some other girl's name, you prissy old twit!
- Ross.
- Way to suck up to the family!
- I'm so glad you're all here. My office finally got wrinkle-free fax paper!

Amy: [offended] Hey, you know what? This kid needs me, okay? She needs to have a cool fun aunt.
Monica: [argumentatively] I'm a cool fun aunt!
Amy: [rolling her eyes] Okay...
Chandler: Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor events.

- What are you talking about?
- You got three years painting houses...
- Two whole summers at t.G.I. Friday's.
- It's lame, I know.
- But I'm a goal-orientated person, eager to learn...
- Just hold on a second, please.
- It's for human resources. Everybody has to. Would you stand up?

Ross: Aw, my little sister and my best friend... shackin' up.

Joey: Where's my underwear?
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You took his underwear?
Chandler: He took my essence.
Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.
Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?
Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.

Chandler: We don't know how long it's going to be before we have another baby.
Erica: Why don't you have the reverend pray on it?

- So if you'd just give me another chance to make a good impression...
- Ross. Are you crazy?
- I am still your wife?
- What, were you just never gonna tell me?
- What the hell is wrong with you?
- Ugh, I could just kill you!
- Well, hello, Rachel.

Rachel: [after being told how often a baby soils a diaper] It goes ten times a day? What are we feeding this kid, Indian food?

Chandler: I was just going over your data here, and, little thing, you've been post-dating your Friday numbers.
Nina: Which is bad because...?
Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.
Nina: Your... excuse me?
Chandler: WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net Usage...
Nina: Oh... Net Usage Statistics. Right, gotcha. It won't happen again. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your... WENUS.

Guru: [the duck isn't well either] Do you think you could get him to eat a bat?
[the duck flaps desperately]

Janice: I'm riding the alimony pony!
[braying laugh]
Joey: [aside] And there it is...

Monica: Mrs. Bing? These are my parents Judy and Jack Geller.
Judy: It's lovely to meet you.
Jack: So, are you his mother or his father?

Dr. Ross Geller: [depressed] I don't want Rachel to hate me. I don't know what to do.
Joey: You want my advice?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yes, please!
Joey: You're not gonna like it.
Dr. Ross Geller: That's OK.
Joey: You got married too fast.
Dr. Ross Geller: That's not advice!
Joey: I told you.

Rachel: I'm trying to put Emma down for a nap. Have you seen Hugsy?
Joey: Uh, original or crappy?
Rachel: Original.
Joey: No, sorry, haven't seen him.
Rachel: Then what's that big lump under your covers?
Joey: It's Monica, Ok?
Rachel: That's not Monica.
Joey: Alright, fine. It's original Hugsy.

Rachel: You guys, it was bananas, cream and beef. I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn't feel bad.
Monica: Actually, I didn't eat mine. It's still in the bathroom.
Joey: No, it isn't. I ate that.
Judy: Oh, we left ours in Monica's bedroom.
Joey: Nope, got it, and got yours, too!

- My god, what happened?
- Eh, these new kids, they never last.
- Sooner or later they all...
- Stop lasting.
- Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now?
- Sure.

Chandler: [updating Ross' profile on the alumni website] Also I cloned a dinosaur in my lab. She is now my girlfriend. I don't care what society says, it's the best sex I've ever had.

- I'll tell you about it later. Be cool.
- Joey, then what the hell were you doing with an engagement ring?
- It wasn't my ring. It's Ross' ring.
- That's why I felt so bad, rach, because he was gonna propose.
- What?
- You were gonna propose to me?
- Uh...

Phoebe: Oh my god, oh my god!
Monica: What, what?
Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my left leg.
[Long pause]
Phoebe: Oh nevermind it was just my right leg.

- Um, I like to pick up this knife.
- And, um, I put the cool steel...
- Against, um...
- D... my Bo y are you all right?
- I'm fine.

- Sure. Nice.
- Dude, you're married to my sister.
- You're right. By saying "nice,"
- I'm virtually licking her.
- Hey, I hear she's single again.
- You think I should ask her out?
- Are you asking permission to break the pact?
- Yes, please.

- No, no, no! Leave the gloves on.
- But I just cleaned the bathroom.
- Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves?
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Let's show them how it's done.
- Okay. Ow!
- That wasn't part of it.
- I know.

- Hey, I have clothes. I even pick them out.
- I mean, for all you know,
- I could be a fashion...
- Monger.
- Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go with me.
- What?
- What should I wear?
- Now I'm all nervous.

Phoebe: Yes... remember that time on the frozen lake? We were playing chess, you said I was boring, and then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz! Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream.

- No, no. There's none of that in here.
- Oh, come on.
- At least let me finish this last one.
- Okay, but only if you give me a drag.
- Okay.
- Oh, dark mother, once again
- I suckle at your smoky teat.
- Why don't you hold on to that one.

[Ross was selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.
Ross: I lost. I only got second place. This one girl gave her girl scout outfit to her 19 year old sister. She went down to the U.S.S Nimitz and sold 2000 boxes.

Chandler: [referring to Chandler being mistaken for being homosexual] So what is it about me?
Phoebe: I don't know. You're smart, you're funny...
Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, you ever think that about him?
Phoebe: Yeah, right!
Chandler: What is it?
Monica: Okay, I don't know. You just... you have a quality.
Phoebe: Yeah. Exactly.
Chandler: Oh, good, "a quality," good. I was worried you guys were going to be *vague* about this.

Chandler: I feel violated. And not in a good way.

[last lines]
Singing man 1: Is there a Julio here?
Julio: I am Julio.
All: [the singing quartet arrive and sing on behalf of Monica] Bom bom bom bom...
Singing man 1: Mister Pretentious... You think there's no one finer/ Well your poems are unpublished/ And you work in a diner/
All: You're no God's gift to women/That's all in your head/You are just a butt munch!
Singing man 2: No one likes a butt munch!
All: And you're also bad in bed!

- Okay, mon. Let's give Pete a chance.
- He was funny. He seems really nice.
- That check thing was adorable.
- What check thing?
- As a joke, this customer who has a crush on me, gave me a $20,000 tip.
- His number's on the check.
- He did it so I'd call.
- Pete Becker. Pete...

[first lines]
Phoebe: Hi!
Chandler: Hey! Hey! Welcome back!
Rachel: How was the honeymoon?
Phoebe: Oh, incredible! Oh, champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach. It was so romantic.
Chandler: So where's Mike?
Phoebe: Oh, he's at the doctor. He didn't poop while we were there.

[after Ross's message, Monica's answering machine beeps twice]
Dr. Richard Burke: [on the answering machine] Monica, it's Richard. Call me.
[Monica looks startled and all the friends look at her]
Monica: [emotionally] I-is, is that message old or new?
[no one says anything]
Monica: [shouts] OLD OR NEW? OLD OR NEW?
Ross: [goes over to Monica as the other friends jump] It's old. It's *definitely* old. Didn't you-you hear the double beep?
Monica: [frantic] Well, what if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk! He could have something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back?
Chandler: Honey, you did call him back 'cause it's... it's really old.
Ross: [comforts Monica] Yeah. See, Mon' listen. Listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing and you know what I did?
Monica: [emotionally] Huh?
Ross: [assuring] I got dressed.
[Ross kindly ushers Monica and Rachel into their rooms]

- And just start pulling.
- Okay. Or uh...
- Or let's say I want to convey...
- That I've, uh, just done something evil.
- Well, that would be your basic I've-got-a fish-hook-in-my-eyebrow-and-i-like-it.
- No? Okay.
- Let's say I've just gotten bad news.
- Well, all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13.

- Oh, my god, I remember now.
- We were playing chess.
- Phoebe, you and I have never played chess.
- Oh, come on. Yes.
- Remember that time on the frozen lake?
- We were playing. You said I was boring.
- And then you took off your energy mask and you were Cameron Diaz.
- Okay, there's a chance this may have been a dream.

- So get ready to hear a lot of, uh, boo-hockey...
- Gosh darn it and brother pucker.
- How do you know she's gonna start talking?
- When I talk to her, I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.
- Kind of like Joey.
- What's that now?

- Oh, I... I am thankful for this beautiful fall we've been having.
- Very nice.
- Sweet, Joe.
- Yeah, the other day,
- I was at the bus stop...
- And this lovely fall breeze came in out of nowhere...
- And blew this chick's skirt right up.
- Oh, which reminds me,
- I'm also thankful for thongs.

Monica: [Chandler is hired as Joey's assistant] You realize what you are now, don't you?
Chandler: What?
Monica: You're his bitch!

Phoebe: You're trying to remember where you know me from? Alright, I'll give you a hint... FROM PORN!... Yeah - your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie.

- I'm sorry, did you just say it's Rachel?
- Um, you like Rachel?

Charles: Where are you from?
Bakersfield: Bakersfield.
Charles: I'm sorry.
Bakersfield: Bakersfield!
Bakersfield: No, no - I heard; I'm just sorry.

Aurora: [talking about her adventures] All of a sudden we realized we were in Yemen.
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, we is...?
Aurora: We would be me and Rick.
Chandler: Who's Rick!
[tries: ]
Chandler: Who's Rick?
Aurora: My husband.
Chandler: Oh, so you're divorced?
Aurora: No.
Chandler: Oh, I'm so sorry, you're widowed? Hopefully?
Aurora: We're together, still married.
Chandler: So tell me, how do - how do you think your husband feel about you sitting here with me... sliding your foot so high up my pant-leg you can count the change in my pocket?

Sandra: I just danced with an wonderfully large woman!

- Hi.
- Hey.
- Rachel was just helping me out.
- My head got all sunburned.
- Thanks a million.
- Oh, you're welcome a million.
- Okay, I'll be in our room.
- Uh.

- As much as you are.
- Your turn.
- We know what we want.
- Oh, that's good.
- All we want is two caffe lattes.
- And some biscotti cookies.
- Good choice.
- It's definitely her.
- Yeah.

- Poor thing. Cut down in her prime.
- Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour.
- Maybe we should actually move Rosita out of here, you know?
- Start the healing process.
- Yeah, I guess you're right.
- Okay.

- It's hard to close them.
- But they are closed now. Believe me.
- I'm so glad. I'm so glad you shared.
- And I'm glad that you're done.
- So, what do you say we, um...
- I'd really like that.
- Mm-hm.

Phoebe's: Hey, Phoebe. How's it going?
Phoebe: Well, they fired me and I'm having a heart attack.
Phoebe's: Oh, well it's good to have you back.

- I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me.
- Even now I can't stop picturing you with her.
- I can't. It doesn't matter what you say or what you do.
- It's just changed everything.
- Forever.

[first lines]
Mike: Thank you guys for having us over.
Phoebe: Yeah, this is fun, couples night.
Chandler: I don't know why we don't hang out with married couples more often.
Monica: Because every time we do, you make jokes about swinging and scare them away.
Chandler: You mean that Portuguese couple? Yeah, like you wouldn't have done it.

- Oh, my god!
- Mm.
- Oh, look at this kitchen/bathroom.
- That's great!
- So you can cook while in the tub.
- Somebody was using his head.
- Let's check out the rest of the place.

Rachel: I have to go to the bathroom.
Phoebe: I have to go scream into a pillow.

- First name: Crap. Last name: Bag.
- You're not serious, right?
- Yeah, I'm serious.
- It's fun, it's different, and no one else has a name like that.
- Uh-huh. Well, then great.
- Ifyouloveillloveit
- I do love it. And I love your name.
- I love Princess consuela.
- And I love crap.

Monica: Joey isn't even thinking Bout going after Rachel. All he is thinking about is how you are taking this. I mean it's completely freaking him out. He's talking about loving yo Vermont.
Ross: Why?
Monica: He says he wants to leave the country.

- I have a message for you.
- What?
- It's from Rachel. She loved the present.
- She'll see you when you get back.
- What?
- Toby, I don't know what she's talking about.
- There's no Rachel!
- Don't give me that deep freeze!

Rachel: [needs $100] Hi. You come in here all the time... I was just wondering, you think there's a possibility you could give me an advance on my tips?

- Ugh. You're right. You're right. I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
- Okay.
- All right, I'm gonna play a song now that's really, really sad.
Leslie: Okay.
- Okay, it's called "magician box mix-up."
- Man: Oversized bracelets, oversized earrings...
- Oversizing of accessories in general is very popular now.

- Okay, um, I'm gonna get my sweater.
- Okay.
- You wanna hear something weird?
- Always.
- I didn't get the annulment.
- What?
- We're still married.
- Don't tell Rachel. See you later.

- Hey, pheebs.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Ross.
- Um, say, I was thinking maybe you two could switch apartments.
- Because Phoebe is more our kind of people.
- Something to think about it.
- Yeah, okay, my bad.

Phoebe: Joey, do you think your favorite animal says a lot about you?
Joey: No, 'cause goats can't talk.

- That's right, you just enjoy.
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, oh!
- Oh, yeah!
- Okay.
- Oh, god, Phoebe!
- Oh, that's it! That's it, right there! Oh!

- God, Phoebe! You're on fire!
- I know!
- You can do it!
- Don't touch me!
- Don't touch her!
- All right, go left! Go right! Go right!
- I can't! I can't!
[Shouting] No! You son of a...

[Celia and Ross are cuddling on the couch]
Celia: Talk dirty...
Ross: Um... uh, OK, uh... er... vulva.

Joey: You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas.

Monica: That's the couch.
- Oh, my god!
- I know!
- I'll tell you something.
- We are gonna do that again!
- Oh, okay!
- Ah!

- Uh, do you see any, like, powder?
- Powder. Yeah, yeah, I have powder.
- Good, good. Okay.
- Sprinkle some on your legs.
- It'll absorb moisture.
- Then you can get your pants back on.
- Yeah, hold on.

- In all these sexual scenarios and stuff, huh?
- Happy? Is that what I'm supposed to be, Vic? Happy?
- Well, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be, huh?
- Because I sure as hell can't figure it out.
- I talk to you, and it's nothing.
- You look at me, and nothing.

- And now I have seen her naked.
- At least with her clothes on...
- I could imagine her body was covered in boils.
- But there are no boils.
- She's smooth.
- Could you see up his robe?
- Monica: Oh, my god. Group: Yeah.

- You're a pathetic loser, right?
- Oh, yeah.
Joshua: Oh, my god. Joshua.
- All those things I said about not being ready...
- They're not true?
- No, they're all true.
- Oh, I love that "but."

Phoebe: Okay, question number twenty-eight: "have you ever allowed a Lightning Bearer to take your wind?" I would have to say "no".
Monica: [with an "is she kidding?" look] And I would have to say "puh-HUH!"

- For your information, I'm going to see him so I can put all those feelings behind me.
- And the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice...
- To look nice for your gay husband.
- Darn it, we're all out of milk.
- Hey, Chandler, will you fill me up here?
- Oh, I see, I see.
- Because of the third-nipple thing.

Dr. Ross Geller: You're the person who checked out my book?

Chandler: Oh you think you're stronger than me? How about you prove it?
Ross: Oh I'll prove it alright. I'll prove it like a theorem!

Rachel: This is a girls' apartment! That is a boy's apartment! It's dirty and it smells!

Phoebe: You think he is emotionally unavailable?
Ross: I think he can be.
Phoebe: Well, he wouldn't be if she hadn't brought her office home every night.
Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!
Phoebe: Well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Years Eve, 1997.
Ross: I knew you were going to throw that in my face! That was three years ago. She apologized and apologized. What more do you want?
Phoebe: We want the last six years back!
Ross: So do we! So do we!
Coffee: [looking at Ross]
Ross: I'm sorry you had to see that.

- I'd be happy to.
- You are very sweet.
- Ohh. Yes, I am.
- In fact, why don't we try it my special way. You can dance on my feet.
- Sure.
- Yeah? Hop on.
- Is the pretty lady looking?
- -uh-huh.
- Keep dancing.

- I mean, it's just pretty people running around on the beach.
- Well, that's the brilliance of it.
- The pretty people.
- And the running.
- I'm gonna go read in my room for a little while.
- Oh, oh. Okay, man.

- This is way out of my league.
- Yeah, yeah. He's got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can't do anything about it.
- Is there something you can do?
- Hmm.
- Let me see.
- Let me see.
- Do you think you could get him to eat a bat?

Dr. Ross Geller: [re Paolo] So he's calling from Rome. I can do that. I just gotta go to Rome.

Chandler: Spanish midgets
Chandler: Spanish midgets wrestling...
Chandler: Julie
Chandler: Okay I see how you got there

Monica: I got offered the head chef job at Allessandro's.
Phoebe: What?
Monica: It's ok, 'cause you know what, if you think about it you don't really need me for the business.
Phoebe: You're the cook! Without you it's just me driving up to people's houses with empty trays and asking for money!

- So you gotta tell me exactly what to do there.
- When you walk into the museum, take a right, okay?
- That's the antiquities wing.
- Ancient Egypt, mesopotamia, up to the byzantine empire.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Okay. So I walk in the door and make a right.

- And we're gonna move you to a less high-profile spot.
- What?
- Uh, ginger's gonna take over this corner.
- That chick can't handle my corner.
- Look, efiheryouleave or we remove you.
- Fine.
- All right, I'll give you one pointer.
- Look out for that bitch.

Chandler: I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner.
Ross: Yeah, there's been a little change of plans. We're breaking up instead.

Phoebe: Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo.
Ross: Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name.
Rachel: Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French.
Ross: That's a great name... for an industrial solvent.
Rachel: Ok, you got a better one?
Ross: Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin.
Rachel: Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard.
Phoebe: By Sandrine.

[the fire alarm is relentlessly beeping]
Phoebe: [exasperated scream] WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Monica: [looking at Chandler in a santa costume] Hey, You think you can keep it another night?
Chandler: Santa, really?
Monica: Yeah, is that ok?
Chandler: Did your dad ever dress up like santa?
Monica: No...
Chandler: Then it's okay!

- He's doing great.
- Don't you worry about Chandler.
- Phoebe, can I see you for a second?
- Yeah.
- What's going on?
- Chandler's gone again.
- Why would you play hide-and-seek with someone you know is a flight risk?
- Aaron, you gotta let me go.
- The guy's hammered.
- I'm sorry. As long as he's here and conscious, we're still shooting.

- Yes, sir. Put me out of my misery.
- Are you sure you never played pro?
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Please let them win.
- I'll take it down to 95 percent, but that's the best I can do.
- Oopsie! Missed it!
- I got it!
- Nice shot.

[Chandler is walking down the aisle with both his parents]
Chandler: You look beautiful, Mom.
Nora: Thanks, dear.
Charles: Ahem.
Chandler: You... look beautiful too, Dad.

Phoebe: I'm having another heart attack. Call 9-1-1, Dumbass!

- This is pretty. It's so pretty.
- And look, and it's purple.
- And I'm telling you, you with your steady hand, I am not moving.
- And now I have got the steady hand.
- I'll take care of it.
Rachel: That's right.
- You do what the hand says.

Phoebe: [carrying two large bulky black bin bags into Joey's apartment] Is it OK if I leave this stuff here until Rachel's Birthday party?
Chandler: [standing by the workout with a bottle] Uh, sure. What's in 'em?
Phoebe: [leaves the bags on one of the armchairs] Um, cups.
Chandler: Oh good, because we got Rachel 800 gallons of water.
[Phoebe smiles]
Ross: [sitting at the worktop holding a bottle] Seriously, that's *a lot* of cups.
Phoebe: [proudly] Yeah, well that's 'cause I'm in charge of cups and ice and Monica is gonna *rue the day* that she put me in charge of cups and ice!
Chandler: You know, I rued the day once. Didn't a whole lot else done.
Phoebe: [preparing herself] OK, time to bring up the rest of the cups.
[Phoebe opens the apartment door as Joey arrives]
Phoebe: [exiting the apartment] Hey Joey!
Joey: [entering the apartment] Hey Pheebs!

Rachel: So Joey, I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with tuxedos for the wedding Do you need one?
Joey: No, I'm performing the ceremony. I'm not wearing a tux.
Rachel: Well, what are you going to wear?
Joey: Multicolored robes. Ooh and maybe a hat.
Rachel: Does Monica know about this?
Joey: I don't think so.
Rachel: Can I please be there when you tell her?

Monica: [Monica opens the door to the hallway and sees Ross and Rachel kissing] I'm sorry, apparently I've opened the door to the past.

- But that's, like, the easiest era.
- I've seen her at work, but I always figured...
- But, uh, I made her dinner.
- We had a great time.
- And we're going out again tomorrow.
- Maybe her friends are betting to see who gets the biggest geek.
- Fine by me. Hope she wins.

Ross: Hey! What are you doing?
Monica: This is my new year's resolution!
Ross: To blind my child?

- You must think I'm crazy.
- No, I think you're sweet.
- This is just so hard.
- It's hard for me to let them go.
- I guess it just brings back memories, you know...
- From when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up.
- I haven't told you about that yet, have I?

Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman that you got fired? He didn't steal your playboys. Ross did!
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing. Monica did!
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced... again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle!
Joey: I wanna go!
Judy: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds!

Monica: I wanna baby.
Chandler: Hmmm... Not tonight honey. I got an early day tomorrow.

Steve: I silkscreen T-shirts now.
Rachel: Really? What's that like?
Steve: It's really fulfilling doing something you hate for no money.

- I finally get a part on TV, and the monkey's making movies.
- Okay. Rachel, I'm ready.
- Okay.
- Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is who tells the truth?
- Um, yeah, I guess that's me.
- She's here!

- But, um, I figured
- I probably shouldn't because...
- You know, I have to leave.
- Hmm. No, you're right. Don't say it.
- I do, though.
- I do too.
- Well, bye, Phoebe.

Dr. Ross Geller: I figured after work I go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and try to woo her.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's when that phrase was last used.

Phoebe: Hello, is this the creepy residence?

- And that's good.
- And when you get upset about little things, I think I'm pretty good...
- At making you feel better about that.
- That's good too.
- They say you're high maintenance...
- But it's okay, because I like...
- Maintaining you.

Dr. Ross Geller: Who cares?
Rachel: I care!
Rachel: And so do I.

Joey: It's all London, baby! Here we go.
Chandler: You got your passport?
Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer in my dresser. You don't want to lose that.

Chandler: Look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what death beds are for.

Joey: Hey Rach you want some sandwich?
Rachel: Oh! What is in that?
Joey: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.
Rachel: No, no with mayo that would make it gross.

- You're wearing the ring.
- What...? What's that?
- And you told Phoebe you were engaged.
- I'm sorry, what?
- When you thought Joey proposed...
- Did you say yes?

Monica: Sit down. All right, please, listen to me. You are terrible at this. You are the worst ultimate fighter ever. Ever.
Pete: You know, I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture on my right forearm and a severely bruised Adam's apple, but *that* really hurt.

Rachel: I mean, the way you owned up to everything it just... proved how much you had grown, you know? I mean my mom never thought this would work out. She was like: "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Ross: [getting angrier and angrier] Mm hm.
Rachel: Oh. I just wish we hadn't lost these last four months.
Rachel: [taps Ross's face] But if time was what was needed to gain a little perspective.
Ross: [unable to restrain himself any longer, he screams] WE. WERE. ON. A. BREEEAAAK!

Phoebe: Look! Ugly Naked Guy is hanging candy canes!
Rachel: Where?
[Phoebe points]
Rachel: Oh. Well... that's festive.

- Thank you for all you went through.
- Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?
- Well, I ate some.
- Oh, some. That's fine. Some's not a lot.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Okay.
- So it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?

Monica: What is going on with you?
Joey: Nothing.
Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day.
Joey: All right... There is something. I... I kind of had a dream. But I don't wanna talk about it.
Chandler: What if Martin Luther King had said that. "I kind of have a dream... I don't wanna talk about it."

- Tell sipowitz I'm real sorry for his loss.
- I sure will. Take care.
- Hey, by the way, I'm sure sipowitz is gonna be all right.
- I heard that kid from silver spoons is really good.
- Where'd you find my badge?
- Oh!

Joanna: What are you doing?
Chandler: I'm getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me

[Erica has just given birth to the two babies that Monica and Chandler are going to adopt]
Monica: There's something that we wanna tell you. We decided to name the girl-baby Erica.
Erica: Oh my God, that's just like my name!
Monica: [pause] Son of a gun, it is!

[Joey thinks that Phoebe is pregnant and proposes to her]
Monica: Joey, you can't marry her.
Phoebe: Hey, lady, your day's over. It's my time now.

- Ross: No, you...
- You know what?
- You're not gonna suck me into this.
- Oh, sure I am.
- Because you always have to be right.
- I do not always have... okay, okay.
- Jurassic park could happen.

Dr. Ross Geller: I sang, or rapped, "Baby Got Back"?
Rachel: You what? So you sang, to our baby daughter, a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?

Chandler: Oh, I don't think contestants are allowed to talk to each other.

- We should talk about that...
- Because I don't totally understand what happened there.
- Oh. This cake is really good.
- Okay, see?
- Things are looking up already.
- Oh, my god.
- Someone cut Howard's cake.
- Who would do a thing like that?

- Ross?
- Can we just close the door?

Meagan: [after having exchanged information with Monica about their wedding dates and photographer] Oh, who's your band?
Monica: My fiancé wants the Swing Kings.
Meagan: Oh, you're so lucky. My fiancé wants the heavy metal band, Carcass.
Phoebe: [excitedly] Oh, is that spelled with a "C" or a "K"? Oh my god, it doesn't matter, they're both great!

- It's Joey.
- Hey...
- No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.
- Yeah, no, stop apologizing. It's okay.
- I'll talk to you tomorrow.
- I should probably go.
- Yeah.

- Within 24 hours.
- Uh, goodbye.
- Why the voice?
- Hard to say.
- Your cappuccino, sir.
- Thank you.
- This is better than the coffeehouse.
- -absolutely.

- Then, um, what goes on top of the salami?
- Pastrami.
- Oh, yeah.
- You're a genius.
- Can someone give me a hand with the zipper.
- You changed?
- Yeah, I just needed my lucky dress.
- And "lucky" means "more cleavage"?
- Does for me.

Joey: ...'Cause in Joey Tribbiani, you get a minister, and you get an entertainer. I'm a "ministainer!" There's no one better, there's no one greater!

Joey: Maybe we can lure them out somehow. Do you know any bird calls?
Chandler: Oh, tons. I'm quite the woodsman.

- Well, last night, you seemed to know your way around the table.
- I love it when we share.
Chandler: You okay there?
- I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.
- I'm sorry. It was a one-time thing.
- I was very drunk, and it was someone else's subconscious.

Rachel: Paul's a very private person.
Phoebe: You just have to think of him like a jar of pickles.
Rachel: So what am I supposed to do? Run him under some hot water, and bang his head against a table?

- Oh, my god, really?
- I can't wait to tell Chandler.
- Okay. Goodbye.
- Wrong number?
- That was Laura.
- She gave us a great report and we're officially on the waiting list.
- That's great.
- Now we just wait for a call...
- And someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us. Oh.

[Ross took a message from a guy to Rachel]
Ross: Hey, who's this uh, this Casey?
Phoebe: Oh, some guy she met at the movies.
Ross: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?
Chandler: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... you know, make a little love... well pretty much get down tonight.

Monica: What did the doctor say? Any news on when the baby will come?
Rachel: No. But she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, we tried them all. We went for a walk, uh we tried a special tea, caster oil, spicy food nothing has worked.
Rachel: Well, there is one thing that we haven't tried,
[mimicking Ross]
Rachel: But someone thinks that, "That will open up a can of worms."
Monica: Well what is it? What is it? If it's gonna help bring the baby here, like today. I mean, I think you should do it.
Dr. Ross Geller: It's sex.
Monica: Do it!
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica!
Monica: [to Rachel] I'm just saying it's been a really long time for you. I mean, women have needs. Do it, get yours!
Phoebe: Oh I-I don't know about that. No, I think that if the two of you had sex the-the-the repercussions would be catastrophic.
Monica: All right, let's be practical, if Ross isn't willing to do it, he's not the only guy in the world you can have sex with. You can borrow Chandler-Chandler is good!
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica, what is the matter with you?
Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today.
Rachel: [suddenly suspicious] Why? Why today?
Monica: Okay fine! I keep betting Phoebe that you're gonna have the baby and I don't want to lose again!
Dr. Ross Geller: What? While she's been going through this hell, you've been making money? You're betting on your friend staying in this misery?
[Phoebe lowers her head in shame and nods yes]
Rachel: I'll take that bet.
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Rachel: Well, I'm miserable here! I might as well make some money out it!
Dr. Ross Geller: [reconsiders] Can I get some of that action?
Monica: Wait a minute! Now I'm betting against all three of you?
Rachel: Oh honey, don't worry. I really do feel like tomorrow's the day.
Monica: Oh, okay!
[Rachel turns her head to Ross and Phoebe and mouths the words, "No way."]

- I walk in the room, and he won't even talk to me.
- He just mumbles something in Italian.
- And I know he only knows the bad words.
- Hey, Gunther, have you seen Chandler?
- I thought you were Chandler.
- But, um, one of you is over there.

Cassie: Wow. You do a great Chandler.
Ross: Wha?... Huh?... Oh, yeah. I, uh, do a lot of impressions.
[laughs nervously]
Ross: It's, uh, a hobby.
Cassie: Oh, well, maybe when we catch up you could do me.
Ross: Ye- No.

Rachel: [re Ursula, Phoebe's twin sister] Uhm, Phoebs, so you - you guys just don't get along?
Phoebe: It's, just like dumb sister stuff, you know. I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know. Oh! Oh! She was the first one to start walking. Even though I did it... later that same day. But to my parents, by then, it was like, "Yeah, well, what else is new?"

Chandler: I know about the baby.
Monica: We have a baby?
Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.
Monica: I didn't take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: Then who did?
Phoebe: They're actually married. And they're gonna have a baby.
Rachel: Uh-huh.

- That's like...
- Mother Teresa, not a good mother. Pfft.
- Who cares what that guy thinks?
- What does Warren Beatty know about kissing? Heh.
- Oh. Heh, heh.
- The one with Barry and mindy's wedding

- Come up to my country house and ruin my weekend with Rachel."
- Okay. Please, Paul. Just let me explain.
- No. Let me explain. Fired.
- Okay, fine. Fine. Have me fired.
- But, uh, I want you to know...
- That you and I are not all that different. I mean...
- I, too, am a neat guy.

Rachel: Well, what kind of a regatta gala starts at night?
Monica: The fake kind.

- Nope.
- Ross, you know what?
- What?
- If you tell me, I might do it.
- Okay.
- -Ahem.
- Did you ever see, um, return of the jedi?

- Mom, dad, when I got married...
- One of the things that made me sure that I could do it...
- Was the amazing example the two of you set for me.
- For that, and for so many other things,
- I wanna say thank you.
- I know I probably don't say it enough...
- But I love you.

Joey: The sky is blue, Ross, and I had sex yesterday.

[after Chandler Bing has slapped him on the butt]
Ross: Dude, what are you doing?

- Okay, it's zero hour!
- All teams execute on my count!
- Let's get this bad boy on the road!
- Is it okay I want you to wear that headset in bed?
- I have you scheduled for nudity at 2300 hours.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, Marjorie, hit it.

Phoebe: Okay, which one is she?
Rachel: That's Brad's widow.
Phoebe: And why is she so upset?
Rachel: Because she just found out she's cut out of the will.
Phoebe: Doesn't she know you can't define yourself in terms of money? That it's about values and morals and your ability to give and receive love?
Rachel: No.

[ater Ross has bragged about having "unagi"]
Phoebe,8061: [sneaking up from behind Ross, shouting] Danger!
[Ross screams]
Rachel: Ah, salmon skin roll.

- Oh, god, that's Chandler coming by to borrow candles for his big date.
- No, Rachel, don't get it!
- He'll see us!
- No, yeah!
- The groom cannot see the bride.
- I'm not going to marry Chandler.
- Not after this!
- Okay guys, just relax.

Rachel: [serving] Isn't this amazing? I mean, I've never made coffee in my entire life!

Judy: [Telling Rachel the "Willy" story with Ross present] I understand separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset he took off his clothes tucked his "willy" in between his legs and cried out "mommy I'm a girl take me with you".
Ross: [Feeling embarrassed to Rachel and sarcastically to Judy] Somehow it became easily to be apart from you.

- Okay.
- That's him, that's him! That's cujo!
- All right, I know.
- It's gonna be okay.
- Oh, my god. What's he gonna do now?
- I can't watch.
- Ugh, seriously, how can you watch this?
- Aren't you scared?
- Terrified.

Rachel: Oh, please. You inhale your food.
Ross: I grew up with Monica. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!

- Okay, okay. Give me a chance to win my money back. Sudden death...
- One goal, $1000.
- You serious?
- Oh, yes.
- Okay.
- Get ready to owe me.
- Okay.
- Okay, here we go. Ready?

Rachel: [Emma cries] She needs changing.
Chandler: Oh no no, I'll get her. I am super competent, totally responsible, and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be right there, Emma, just let me get my trusty diaper bag.
Chandler: [accidentally knocks over a chair, spilling the box with the good china, smashing them to pieces] Well, what do you know? I guess I'll be the one that dies first.

Chandler: [bringing his duck outside when Ross and Rachel arrive] Okay. Now you stay out here, and you think about what you DID!

Monica: Hey, Ross.
Ross: Hey.
Monica: What are you supposed to be dressed up as?
Ross: Oh, well, you remember the russian satellite Sputnik? Well I am a potato or a spud and here are my antena. so?
Monica: So?
Ross: I'm Spudnik. Spudnik!
Chandler: Wow, I don't have the worst costume anymore.

- Because what's going on with Rachel has nothing to do with how I feel about you.
- Well, you still should have told me.
- I know, and I was going to...
- But I thought it was better that you heard it from Rachel's father.
- Look, I made a mistake...
- But it's only because
- I really, really like you. Really.
- Okay. I guess you can close the door now.

- Okay.
- You can take some castor oil.
- There's spicy foods.
- We will do all of those.
- Taking a long walk.
- Good. Done.
- And there's the one that's proved most effective: Sex.
- You've got to be kidding me.

Monica: Also, just so you know, I'm not making a turkey this year.
Joey: What?
Monica: Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey...
Joey: Phoebe.
Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.
Joey: No, they're not. They're ugly and stupid and delicious.

Phoebe: [finishing a song she wrote for her friends] Spin the dreidel, Rachel.
Rachel: That was nice, Phoebe, but Rachel doesn't rhyme with dreidel.
Phoebe: I know, it's hard, but nothing rhymes with your stupid name.

- Don't make my tail too poofy.
- You have really great hair.
- Oh, thanks. I grow it myself.
- Joey also has great hair.
- Yes, Joey has great hair.
- I'm basically done here.
- Let me get this hair off your neck.

- She won't say no.
- If?
- -Hey. Ross: Hey.
[Mumbles] Hey, Monica.
- Give it.
- It's gone.
- Hey.
[Mumbles] Hey, Monica!
- We're practically kissing.

Joey: The Mr. Bowmont is here!

- Audience [on TV]: Ooh.
- Intrigued?
- You're flinging, flanging right I am.
- This is his first time. He's never used this.
- You're gonna see how easy this is to do.
- This works in any milk carton.
- Wow, it is easy. Ha, ha.
- Now I can have milk every day.
- Audience: Ah.

- Oh, yeah.
- Found them!
- Whoo.
- There's only one.
- Monica!
- Hi.
- Uh, we'll be right there.
- We're just trying to decide something.
- Rachel?

- And when I told her I was gonna move in with Chandler...
- She was really supportive.
[Sobbing] You were so great.
- You made it so easy.
- And now you have to leave.
- And I have to live with a boy!

[about the book Jane Eyre]
Rachel: I think the book was written way ahead of its time.
Teacher: If you're talking about feminism, I think you're right.
Rachel: Feminism, yes. But also the robots.

- Don't let him do this. Come on!
- I'm your hand twin!
- Hello. One marriage, please.
- We want to get married.
- There's a service in progress.
- Have a seat.
[In unison] All right.

Joey: I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films.

- I know.
- The air, the trees.
- Even though Nana's gone, there's something almost, uh, life...
- Ross, are you okay?
- Ross!
- I'm fine. No, I'm fine.
- Having my worst fear realized, but...

Ross: Uh, everyone, this is Chandler. My room mate, and lead singer of our band
Monica: Ross...
Ross: Uh, this is Monica
Monica: Hi I, I'm Ross's little sister
Chandler: Ok...

- I mean, you're so incredible.
- You went through all this time and effort to make this tape for me.
- You know, I'm just gonna...
- I'm gonna make this up to you. I will.
- I am going to cook you anything you want in here.
- And I'm going to do anything you want in there.
- Well, I did put a lot of thought into the tape.

- Uh, no, thanks.
- Okay, listen, just give me anything
- I can make two of.
- If you don't have anything to copy, why are you going there?
- Yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl...
- With the bellybutton ring again?
- Yeah. You wanna come?

Phoebe: Go into the Light, Mr Heckles!

Chandler: [talking about a dog] What if it attacks me?
Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil.
Chandler: And that doesn't scare you?

- You know, I have dinner plans.
- Thank you so much for coming on such a short notice.
- Ladies and gentlemen, I've been practicing medicine for 23 years...
- And I'm stumped.

- That's what real actors do.
- Enunciation is the Mark of a good actor.
- And when you enunciate, you spit!
- Wow. Didn't know that.
- Thanks. Okay, check it out.
- Picture? What picture?

- You look that way, I look this way.
- Here it is, here it is.
Monica: That could be 4 or 5.
- It's your call.
- It's a four.
- I think so too.

- Big passion in your future.
- You do?
- I do.
- Ross, you're so great.
- Ross: Ah.
- It's never gonna happen.
- What?
- You and Rachel.

Rachel: Ross! Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see!
Ross: He won't he won't. Because, isn't that, the short story, you were writing?
Chandler: Yes, yes it is, the short story... that I was writing.
Rachel: Well, let me read it!
Ross,8065: NO.
Rachel: Come ON!
Joey: Hey, uh, why don't you read it... to her?
Chandler: All right! Uh... It was summer... and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely grey couch. "Oh look!" cried Ned. And then, the kingdom was his forever THE END.
Ross: That's it that's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world!

Phoebe: Oh my god. You're rich!
Mike: No, my parents are rich.
Phoebe: Well, so? They gotta die someday.

Rachel: We won.
- We won! Whoo!
- Whoo!

Phoebe: I moved out.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: I didn't tell you but everyone else knew. That's supposed to be a good thing. I forget why.

Phoebe: I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my stepdad was back in prison, and I got here and I didn't know anybody, and I ended up living with this albino guy who was like cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, Rachel. Do you have any idea where Joey is?
Rachel: [long pause] I really don't.

- Is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer.
- You know, so you could be, like,
- "wash my car. Clean my room."
- It's not gonna be able to do any of those things...
- But it'll understand what you're saying.
- Oh, this was so great.
- Yeah, it was.
- All right, then.

Monica: I'm Rachel. I love Ross. I hate Ross. I love Ross. I hate Ross.
Rachel: I'm Monica. I can't get a boyfriend so I'll stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find there.

Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
[Knock at door]
Chandler: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

- I think I'm gonna stay here and make sure he's okay.
- That's probably a good idea.
- I'll see you in the morning.
Rachel: Uh-huh. Okay.
- All right.
- Yeah, you know, Joey, I...
- I don't think he's ever gonna be okay with this.
Joey: It doesn't look good, does it?
- Mm-mm.

- The other kids had a nickname for the three of us.
- Oh, what? What was it?
- The three losers.
- Oh, poor Lily.
- You know, I heard about what happened. That must have been just terrible for you...
- Losing your mother that way.
- Yeah, no, it was great.

- Ugh.
- Oh, wait, wait.
- Is it my Bologna sandwich?
- Yes, yes, yes.
- I can't believe it. The baby wants Bologna.
- The baby wants me to eat meat.
- I can't eat meat.
- Uh, wait, wait.
- Maybe it's the pickle.

Rachel: When we were out there today, all I kept thinking was, "I can't believe Chandler is screwing this woman, but man, this would be a nice place to live!"

Monica: [trying to make up with Rachel] I don't know what else to say.
Rachel: [annoyed] Oh, well that works out good 'cause I'm not listening.
Monica: [insisting] I feel terrible! I really do!
Rachel: [sarcastically] Oh, I'm sorry. Did my back hurt your knife?
[Rachel goes into the Central Perk shop and Monica follows]
Monica: [trying to make up] Rachel... say that I'm friends with her. We spent some time together. Is that *so* terrible?
Rachel: [annoyed] Yes.
Monica: It's *that* terrible?
Rachel: [very annoyed] Yes Monica! You don't get it! It's bad enough that she stole the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with! But now... she's actually...
[high pitched]
Rachel: But now she's actually stealing you!
[Rachel cries and Phoebe watches, touched]
Monica: [touched and assuring] Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you! I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you.
[Monica starts crying]
Monica: I mean... you're my...
[Rachel cries even more, causing Monica to do the same]
Monica: [emotionally high pitched] Oh I love you!
Rachel: [emotionally high pitched] I love you too!
[they hug]
Phoebe: [comes over] You guys, um, I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um... I love you guys too!
[they all hug]

[the Friends attend a lesbian wedding]
Joey: It just seems so futile. You know? All these women, and nothin'! I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
Chandler: Now you understand how I feel every single day. The world is my lesbian wedding.

- I love you.
- I love you more.
- Not possible.

Emily: Ross. Come look. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
Ross: [on the phone] I gotta go. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
Monica: He had to go. There was a deer just outside, eating fruit from the orchard.

Ross: [Pleading] Please help me I have a date tonight, it has to go well I'm scared for my health.
Joey: [Thinking quickly] Okay, I got something, it's a story I came up with. It's very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it, they become "putty".
Ross: Really? Well, tell it to me.
Joey: [Genuinely warning him] Now you're going to want to have sex with me, but remember it's just "a story".
Ross: [Sarcastically] I'll try to control myself.
Joey: Okay, years ago when I was backpacking through Western Europe...
Ross: [Doubtfully] You were backpacking through Western Europe?
Joey: [Feeling belittled and gets up to leave] Have a nice six more months.

[Chandler has just watched a woman giving birth on tape]
Chandler: Before this, the most disturbing thing I ever saw was my dad doing tequila shots off the pool boy. Now, I'd gladly use that image as my screensaver.

Rachel: You know what, Bare, I'm not gonna leave, because I promised myself I'd make it through at least one of your weddings.

Phoebe: Ooh, look! Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.
Phoebe: [the gang rushes to the window] Ew...
Phoebe: OOH!
Rachel: That had to hurt!

Chandler: You opened all the presents without me? I thought we were supposed to do that together.
Monica: You kissed another woman?
Chandler: Call it even?
Monica: [Gives each the high five] Okay.

Joey: [Joey, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are in Chapel in Vegas after Rachel and Ross got married] Well, what happened, did we miss it?
Chandler: Well, we actually missed it.
Phoebe: [with clenched teeth] Well, maybe you wouldn't have if you could run in the chapel!

- What's "wah-pah"?
- You know. Whipped.
- Wah-pah!
- That's not whipped. Whipped is: Wah-pah!
- You can't do anything!

Dr. Ross Geller: Wally Cox! That's the voice of Underdog.

- What, you don't think they can hear sounds in there?
- You're not serious.
- I mean, you really talk to it?
- Yeah, all the time.
- I want the baby to know my voice.
- Do you, uh...? Do you talk about me?
- Yeah, yeah. All the time.
- Really?
- But, um, we just refer to you as
- "bobo the sperm guy."

Ross: Hey! I am not unemployed, I'm on sabbatical.
Joey: Okay Ross, don't get all religious on me!

Dr. Ross Geller: Rach, you ready to go?
Rachel: [from the bathroom] IN A MINUTE!

Chandler: I need to know what goes from "nice" to "My God! Someone's killing her in there.

- Minsk?
- Minsk. It's in Russia.
- I know where Minsk is.
- Ha, ha. We got the Grant.
- Three years, all expenses paid.
- So when do you leave?
- January fst.

Jack: Well, I don't know what's in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
Monica: I used to love to play restaurant.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play "un-cooked batter eater."
Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a lightbulb to cook brownies!

- You know, no suds, no save.
- No suds, no... excuse me.
- Hold on a second!
- This is my friend's machine.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Her stuff wasn't in it!
- Hey, hey, hey! That's not the rule, and you know it!

- Wow. Spinning. That sounds like fun.
- Oh.
- I wish.
- No, you know, he was just trying
- Ross' "hug and roll" thing.
- Ross' what?
- You know, like, where he hugs you and then he kind of rolls you away, and...
- Oh, my god.

Ross: [Closing scene; the camera is positioned as though it were Ben's eyes] Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this.
Ross: [Walks out of the picture but returns] But I'll still always come back, like this.
Ross: And sometimes I may be away longer, like this.
Ross: [Walks away longer but returns] But I'll still always come back, like this.
Chandler: [Chandler comes into the picture and motions his hands] And sometimes, I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this.

- What took so long?
- I got caught up at work.
- But I'm quitting tomorrow.
- So thanks for having me over.

Ross: I'm kind of going through a dry spell, sex wise.
Joey: Oh... for, like, months?
Ross: Five, to be... lying. Six.
Joey: Six months? Oh, that's rough.
Ross: No, I mean, it's not all bad. I'm learning to appreciate the small things in life, like the sound of a bird, and the color of the sky...
Joey: Sky's blue, Ross! And I had sex yesterday.

Monica: [Rachel is decorating a dessert with marshmallows] Um, Rachel, you want to put the marshmallows in *concentric* circles.
Rachel: No, Mon, *you* want to put them in concentric circles. *I* want to do this.
[sticks a marshmallow up one of Monica's nostrils]
Monica: [to Phoebe] Every year.

- Gotta go. Ha, ha.
- I miss you too.
- I love you, but it's getting late now...
- Let me say hi. Hey, ma.
- Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bassida and...
- Excuse me?
- Did you know this isn't ma?

- Oh, we cut the trip short.
- France sucks.
- Um, this may be a little weird, but I've got a date here.
- Say no more.
- We'll just grab some food, take it with us upstairs and be out of your hair.
- Oh, that'd be great.
- So you didn't even get to Italy?
- Yep. Sucks.

Monica: It worked!
[singing]
Monica: Oh, baby, baby, baby; Oh, baby, baby, baby.
Phoebe: You must be a *fireball* in bed!

- Okay. Since you've never done it before, you can be Monica's maid of honor.
- Oh, thank you so much!
- Yay.
- I'm gonna marry someone good.
- Oh, I know.
- Better than Chandler.
- Pfft.

- These babies are very, very lucky.
- They are? Why?
- They'll be born on the fonz's half-birthday.
- Happy birthday.
- Just to clarify.
- I'm not fonzie.

- We're supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes.
- Okay. I was just talking to the guys.
- Just look at them.
- I mean, is it okay if they come visit?
- What about my allergies?
- Right. Your allergies.
- All her. She hates you.

Monica: Oh, my god. Chandler. Why aren't you in Tulsa? Won't you get fired?
Chandler: They can't fire me because I quit. I mean, why should everybody else do what they like, except for me.
Monica: Oh, I'm so happy.
Chandler: And, by the way, here are your Christmas presents.
[hands out envelopes to everyone]
Ross: [opens envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the New York Ballet".
[everyone looks disapprovingly at Chandler]
Chandler: Ok, I don't have a JOB.

Chandler: Yes! Yes! Most of the time. I mean, sure, I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have.
[Smiles]

Phoebe: I'm just not getting that everyone gets how smelly this cat actually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.
Tilly: Honey, we can talk about this, it's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.
Phoebe: Oh, okay. So, the cat stinks, but you love it. Let's go!

- You should get some sleep.
- Okay.
- So I'll, um...
- I'm sorry I spoiled your evening.
- No, that's... no, as long as you're okay.
- So I'll, uh... I'll see you tomorrow.
- See you.

- Trouble?
- Your sister stood me up the other night.
- Oh, no. Don't you hate it when people aren't there for you?
- Did you try calling her?
- I've been trying for two days.
- When I called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk.
- I can't believe she's blowing me off.

Joey: If you're gonna do something wrong, do it right.

Joey: Hey, dude! Let me in, I got a girl out here.
Chandler: Well I've got a girl in here.
Joey: No you don't, I just saw you go in there with Monica.
Chandler: Well, we're... we're hanging out in here!
Joey: Which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?
Chandler: Well, I suppose I would have to say
[the last word in a growl]
Chandler: YOU. Look, what if we're watching a movie in here?
Monica: Yeah, which we are, and we already paid for it. It's My Giant.
Joey: My Giant? I love that movie!

Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, it's-it's so, it's so totally like, "Whoa! Can we do this?" Y'know, I mean, but I mean it just feels right! Don't you think? It does! I mean, it just feels right, don't you think?
Joshua: Wow! Uh, Rachel uh, you're a real special lady, but my divorce isn't final yet and, and, and we've been on four days, so I'm thinking "No, but thanks."
Gunther: YOU IDIOT!

- That diet coke, I think, went straight to my head. Whoo!
- Hi, honey.
- See you later.
- Wait. I bought groceries.
- I was gonna make you dinner.
- Well, next time, ask.
- Or at least wait for me to ask.

Ross: Hey, this people are pros, they know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done

- I mean, presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.
- Anyway, they want me to go down to this...
- Sonogram thing with them tomorrow.
- So, what are you gonna do?
- I have no idea.
- No matter what I do, though,
- I'm still gonna be a father.

Chandler: Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel killer.

Chandler: I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?

- Pizza. We like pizza. Get out!
- Pat sajak?
- Yep.
- Alex trebek?
- Oh, of course.
- Chuck woolery?
- Definitely.
- Phoebe, you will not find a single game-show host...
- Whose ass I cannot kick.

- Depending on the species, I'd have to have a 6-foot-long... it's not funny!
- I respectfully disagree.
- I can't believe you put that on my alumni page.
- Who cares? Nobody reads those.
- You better hope not...
- Because I just read what you put on your page.
- I don't have a page.
- Oh, I respectfully disagree!

Ethan: [to Monica] I'm not really 17, I just told you that so you'd think I was cute and vulnerable. I'm actually 30, I have a wife and kids, I'm your Congressman.

[Monica enters Chandler and Joey's apartment, and is stunned to see that all the possessions are gone]
Monica: What happened?
Chandler: Well, Joey was born and then 28 years later I was robbed!

Ross: [frantically presses buttons on answering machine] Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel: [from behind] I got off the plane.

- I went down to the post office...
- And it turns out it was those videos that I ordered...
- For Richard about the civil war.
- He loved the civil war.
- Do you want us to take you home?
- Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away.

The: I am hurt!

[after Joey's mother comes by]
Gloria: Your father is no James Bond. You should've heard this guy's excuses. "I'm sleeping over at my accountant's". What is that?

the Interviewer: One last question. Other than "Days of Our Lives", what other soap operas do you watch?
Joey: Oh, I don't watch soap operas. I mean excuse me, I have a life you know.
the Interviewer: Thank you. I'm sure the readers of Soap Opera Digest will be very interested to hear that.

Dr. Ross Geller: [implying he fell asleep at a lecture he attended with her] So I nodded off a little...
Rachel: Nodded off? Ross, you were snoring! My father's boat didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks!
Dr. Ross Geller: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy-backed dresses.
Rachel: Okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and his 'hey, everybody, remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years? Well, here's a little bone we didn't know it had!

Rachel: What?
- Ross: That's crazy.
- Wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute.
- I believe this will change your mind.
- "In a mediocre play, Joseph tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..."
- Continued on page 153.
- "Sucking."

- You know what?
- I am tired of your bellyaching.
- I've worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live.
- I know. I'm so sorry.
- I'm sorry, okay?
- This is a great apartment.
- Shut up. This place is a hole.

Monica: [laughing] Oh, my God. I am so spoiled.

- Are you kidding me?
- Joey?
- Joey? Joey, Joey, Joey,
- Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey!
- Joey.joey.joey.
- Joey, Joey!
- Oh. Oh, did I wake you?

- How good is that?
- Oh, yeah.
- What are you doing?
- You're showing me how much
- I mean to you.
- With a bite.
- Jeez.

Chandler: Well, you know what they say - elephants never forget.

Dr. Ross Geller: [Watching Rugby on TV] I don't know what the big deal is? I'm man enough to play this sport.
Joey: Dude, you're not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.

Phoebe: Who's going to die?
Joey: Um... man with eyepatch!

- Daddy, make the cast of cats sing "happy birthday" to me.
- You think you can come here...
- Make a mess and a big man in coveralls will clean it up?
- Think of someone else for a change.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
- God, if you're going to cry about it!

- I'm Eric, Chandler's new roommate.
- I'm Chandler's new roommate.
- I don't think so.
- I could be Chandler's new roommate.
- But he told me over the phone...
- He told me in person.
- That's weird.
- I'm going to, uh, go into my new apartment now.
- Huh?

[repeated line]
Joey: London, Baby!

Joey: Who loses fifty-seven coin tosses in a row? You know, heads she wins, tails I lose.
Joey: Wait a minute...
Chandler: Yes Joe?
Joey: I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning!

Chandler: [Ross and Rachel have exploded at each other] Hey everybody, guess what I am!
[Starts dancing and jumping around]
Phoebe: Hey, hey, HEY! Look what you're doing to Chandler!

- I hate that guy.
- Oh...
- No, no, no.
- You cannot go to dinner with him.
- What? You don't want me to get a job?
- Yeah, I'm sure he'll give you a job.
- Maybe make you his "sex-cretary."
- I'm serious.
- I just don't trust that guy, okay?
- You know what...? Okay, let's talk about it later. There comes security.

- Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not.
- But you guys came so close.
- Oh, I know. I'm sorry, you guys. You're gonna have to get used to the fact...
- That I will not be dating Ross.
- Here he is. Hi.
- Guys, this is Russ.

Barry: About a month ago, I wanted to hurt you more than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life - and I'm an orthodontist.

Phoebe: [Right after playing a song in the coffee shop] If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.

- Okay, they have issues like: "Gee, that glacier's getting kind of close." See?
- Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife?
- No, no.
- Yes, it is. Carol, hi.
- Ross: Okay. Yes. Yes, it is.
- How about I'll catch up with you in the ice age?

- Have you two, you know, like, you know?
- You know?
- Yet?
- Well, not that it's any of your business...
- But no, we haven't, okay?
- You meant sex, right?

Chandler: [to Monica] They can say that you're high maintenance, but it's okay, because I like maintaining you.

- Hey, Dr. Farber.
- All right, miss green, everything looks fine.
- Yep, I think we're starting to see some real progress here.
- What?
- I'm 12, I'm not stupid.

Monica: So what's Phoebe like?
Phoebe: [thinks Monica is talking about her and tries to sound polite] I'm kind, caring and sweet. What's Monica like?
[Monica realises how unclear her question was]
Monica: Uh no. The *other* Phoebe. The one you went to go see?
Phoebe: [suddenly cheerful] Oh! I think she knows where my Dad is!
Joey: What?
Chandler: [almost at the same time as Joey] Cool!
Rachel: [almost at the same time as Ross and Chandler] Really?
Monica: Well where is he?
Phoebe: She was actually - she was pretending like she hadn't heard from him in years, but I found this picture on her fridge, and look! Isn't this what he would look like now?
[Phoebe takes a picture out of her pocket and shows it to her friends]
Monica: [gasps] Totally familiar.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller,8061: [one after the other as they look at they look at the picture] Oh yeah!
Monica: But why would she lie to you?
Phoebe: [Rachel offers her the picture and Phoebe takes it] I don't know, but we're having dinner tomorrow night so I figured, she's gonna tell me *then*. You know, maybe she'll want to give him time to... buy me presents.
[the friends agree and Phoebe puts the picture in her pocket]
Phoebe: [happily] So, you're all bored?
Dr. Ross Geller,8061: [almost in unison] Awww.
Chandler: Yes.
Phoebe: [happily] All right. I'm gonna close my eyes and point to someone and whoever I point to has to come up with something fun for us to do and we *have* to do it!
Joey: [hyped up] OK! All right! Fan out! Fan out!
[the friends spread out]
Phoebe: [happily] OK.
[Phoebe closes her eyes and spins round pointing with her right hand]
Phoebe: [enjoying herself] Ooh! You know, we could just do this!
[Phoebe stops spinning and opens her eyes and sees that she's point at Chandler]
Chandler: [unsure] OK. Um... we all have to... play Strip Poker.
Joey: [overjoyed] AH YES!

Chandler: The meaning of the box is threefold. One, it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two, it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three... it hurts!

- I wanna be with the woman I love on Valentine's day!
- I want her to love me back.
- And I want one moment of relief...
- From the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that's never gonna happen!
- We have red bagels.
- Okay.

- Phoebe, I love you.
- There's no one else in the world I would ask to marry me three times.
- But I want to take care of you...
- Have babies with you...
- And grow old with you.
- Phoebe buffay, will you marry me?

Chandler: Have we met?
Eddie: It's Eddie, you freak, your roommate.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I already have a roommate.
Joey: Hello.
Chandler: He's lived here for years. I don't know what you're talking about, man.
Eddie: No, he moved out and I moved in.
Chandler: But, I think I'd remember something like that.
Joey: I know I would.
Eddie: Oh, that's a good point. Um, Ok, well I guess I got the wrong apartment then.

Phoebe: [ushers Chandler to the round table upon which are three large buckets full of different types of ice] And did you notice the ice? Look! We have it all! We have crushed...
[Phoebe points at the blue bucket]
Phoebe: ...cubed...
[Phoebe points at the red bucket]
Phoebe: ...and dry. Watch...
[Phoebe pours water over the dry ice in the silver bucket and pretend-smoke rises from it]
Phoebe: [pleased] ... ah! Mystical!
Chandler: [impressed] Oh!
[Phoebe grins and a jealous Monica watches with her arms folded]

Monica: You know, Phoebe, a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Chandler: I thought a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die.

[In Vegas, Ross and Rachel are drunk in their hotel room]
Rachel: [Picking up the phone] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait... I forgot to dial.
[There is a knock at the door]
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers.

- So let's move on to the renaissance.
- Okay.
- Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here...
- To highlight the anguish of the central figure.
- Touch it. It's really bumpy.
- Nuh-uh. Uh-uh. No, no, no. No ad-iibbing.
- And, dude, you can't touch the paintings.
- Come on.
- No. No!

Chandler: [about Eddie] So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.
Monica: Why?
Chandler: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.
Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish?
Chandler: Because sometimes, Phoebe, after you sleep with someone, you have to kill a fish.

Dr. Ross Geller: Um ok, see, you were on my list, but then my friend Chandler brought up the very good point that you were international, so I bumped you for Winona Ryder.
Isabella: You know, it's ironic, because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys, and yesterday I just bumped you for that guy over there.

- Hi, everybody. Hi, Betty.
- Betty, hi.
- You found Betty.
- Oh, my gosh. This is so great.
- Everybody I love is in the same room.
- Where's Joey?
- Did you see Betty?

- Soon, you'll be soaking your fingers in stuff.
- You're right. I'll talk to her.
- Talk to her. Be a man.
- I'm a man.
- Defend yourself.
- We have to hem the new dust ruffle.
- Be right there, sweetums.
- Totally different situation.

- Is this the one that I threw out last year?
- All right, you know what? Never mind.
- Everybody wants to have a green one.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- I didn't mean to get so emotional.
- I guess it's just...
- The holidays are just hard.
- Oh, honey, is that because your mom died around Christmas?
- Oh, I wasn't even thinking about that.

- Oh, that's too bad.
- How'd they do it?
- I fell down an elevator shaft.
- Oh. That sucks.
- I was buried in an avalanche.
- What?
- I used to be Brice on all my children.

Joey: Hey, look, a new Playboy.
Monica: Yeah. Just something I picked up.
Dr. Ross Geller: Cookies and porn? You're the best mom ever.

Rachel: Pete the Weeper? Remember? The guy who always used to cry when we had sex?
[mock crying]
Rachel: "Was it good for you?"
Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard the "I Win" guy.
[imitating Howard]
Monica: "I win! I win!"
[normal voice]
Monica: I went out with the guy for two months; I didn't get to win once.

Rachel: What do you think is a better excuse for why I'm not drinking on this date tonight, "I'm a recovering alcoholic", "I'm a Mormon", or "I got so hammered last night I'm still a little drunk."?

[after Monica and Rachel are done packing]
Monica: OK, here's the last of your boxes. I'm just going to label it "What were you thinking?"
Rachel: Funny, I was going to go across the hall and write that on Chandler.

- Oh, yeah.
- I'll make some calls.
- Okay.
- Can you believe that's how we spent our two weeks?
- We didn't do the romantic things I'd planned...
- Like having a picnic in central park and, you know, a coffee at central perk.
- Oh, I just got that.

[Monica's reunion with an old high school friend]
Monica: Oh my God. Do you still live with your parents?
Chip: Yeah. But I can stay out as late as I want.

- Yes, I'd like to order a large pizza.
- No anchovies.
- With, uh, extra anchovies.
- That's okay. I'll pick them off.
- And could you chop some up and put it right in the sauce?
- You can have the last piece if you want.
- Well, I should think so.
- You slept with someone.

Phoebe: Tell him who you originally wanted to hook up with that night.
Monica: [to Phoebe] What?
Chandler: [to Monica] What?
Phoebe: [to Joey] What?

Phoebe: [after Ross suggests that Rachel's outfit is inappropriate] Good God, man, don't anger it!

- We can't find Chandler's vest.
- How can that be? Wait, are you serious?
- Found the vest.
- We'll have to keep an eye on it, make sure we don't lose it again.
- Oh, wow. Okay, don't scare me like that, okay?
- For a minute, I was like,
- "oh, my god. The worst has happened."

[after catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom]
Joey: I'll just go pee in the street.

- Besides, there's a big age difference.
- Think of it like this. When you're 90...
- I know, when I'm 90, she'll be 80...
- And it won't seem like such a big difference.
- No, that's not what I was gonna say at all.
- What I was gonna say is when you're 90...
- You'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.

[Joey just got ordained via the internet so that he could perform Monica and Chandler's wedding]
Joey: Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it?
Monica,8065: Yeah.
Joey: We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share.
[Monica and Chandler look impressed]
Joey: It is a love based of giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive.
[later]
Joey: Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready?
Chandler: Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Joey: When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here.
Monica: How bout receiving?
Joey: Yes!

Joey: Come on, man, you never wanna do anything since you and Janice broke up.
Chandler: That's not true. I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals!

Phoebe: Why are you mopping your ceiling?
Monica: There's banana on it.
Phoebe: Oh, I have the spirit of an old indian woman on mine.

Chandler: Stupid, useless Canadian money!

Rachel: [Ross walks out of Monica's apartment having just argued with Rachel] And just so you know, it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guys and it IS a big deal!

Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?
Chandler: I know this one. No, wait. That was popes into a Volkswagen.

- "Pictures of Anna kournikova."
- I'm so sorry.
- What am I gonna do?
- My speech is gone!
- It's not gone.
- I'm sure you printed out a copy.
- You have a hard copy?
- No, I don't!
- Well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now.

Phoebe: I can be a secretary.
Chandler: Well you know, Phebes, I don't know if it's your kind of thing because it involves a lot of being normal... for a large portion of the day.

- Right. Have you written yours yet?
- No, but I know what I'm gonna say.
- Do you happen to know what I'm gonna say?
- Let's do it now. It won't be hard.
- Say what's in your heart.
Chandler: Look at her go.
- She must love me more than I love her!
- What's wrong with me?
- Ooh, don't open that door.

- Are you still out there?
Kathy: Electrifying infinite time there's a Starbucks about three blocks down.
- He's so inspired.
- Just look at him. Look at him go.

- You signed for it.
- "Monica felula geller."
- All right, Jester man, look, we wanna see the king.
- Nobody sees the king.
- Okay. I'm talking to the king.
- Hey, you can't go back there.
- Oh, my god.

Monica: I can't believe it, she's asleep. I got her to go to sleep. I've actually magical powers!
Phoebe: I can hear traffic and birds. I can hear the voices in my head again!

Monica: Alright boys, last chance for the tickets.
Rachel: Otherwise I give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua.
Chandler: No thank you.
Joey: Wait wait wait wait wait, come on, come on, let's trade. The timing's perfect. I just clogged the toilet

Chandler: So why is she leaving? Is it a school night and she has a lot of homework to do?
Ross: Yes. Her molecular epidemiology paper is due tomorrow.
Chandler: Tell her good luck with that.
Ross: Anyone else, huh? Bring 'em on.
Rachel: Oh, when's her birthday?
Ross: I don't know, Rachel. Why?
Rachel: Well, you know, it's been so long since I've been to Chuck E Cheese.

Boy in the Cape: My friend told me you were giving out money.
Rachel: I was but now we got candy.
Boy in the Cape: I'd rather have the money.
Rachel: Well, that's not your choice. Happy Halloween.
Boy in the Cape: This isn't fair.
Rachel: Well, is it fair that all you had to do was put on a cape and I have to give you free stuff?
Boy in the Cape: Shut up.
Rachel: You shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You can't tell me to shut up.
Rachel: Uh, I think I just did. And uh oh, here it comes again. Shut up.
Joey: Uh, Rach...
Rachel: No. I got it. I'm good, I got it.
[back to the kid]
Rachel: Now I had one more thing to say to you. Oh, right. Shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You're a mean old woman.
[crying, running away]
Rachel: No, wait, shut up. I mean don't cry. No I'll get my check book.
[runs after the kid]

- And he lived a full life. He was in the first wave at Omaha beach.
- I should've given you guys my black book when I got married.
- Although, it wasn't so much a book as a napkin.
- With Janice's phone number on it.
- Phoebe, isn't Jethro tull a band?
- Oh, yes, they are.

- You're gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.
Joey: Oh, yeah?
- If you're gonna make me choose between you and the hat, I choose the hat.
- Good choice.
- Thanks.
- Okay, look. All right, that's it, okay?
- I'm out of here.
- I'm not gonna be embarrassed anymore.

- Ready?
- Okay.
- Oh, wait. Oh, no. Wait.
- Wow. Aren't you gonna be cold?
- I don't care.
- I'll be my "something blue."
- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.

Dr. Ross Geller: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Okay? I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, okay? You can literally see them evolving through time.
Phoebe: Really? You can actually see it?
Dr. Ross Geller: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.
Phoebe: See, I didn't know that.
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, there you go.
Phoebe: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why.
[Ross is speechless]

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Whee! Hey!
- Oh, oh!
- Oh, no.
- You swore.
- I just thought you were doing so well.
- I am shocked. Shocked.
- It's a legitimate learning technique.

[Ross has just scared Phoebe and Rachel]
Ross: At what point of those girlish screams would you have begun to KICK MY ASS?
Rachel: Alright, so we weren't PREPARED!

Janice: [being wheeled to the delivery room] Sid!
Sid: [Sid's almost deaf] That's the first time I heard her voice... I didn't care for it.

Phoebe: Yeah.
- Congratulations.
- Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry.
- You couldn't tell me on the phone?
- And what? Miss the expression on your face? Oh, no.
- Janice likes to have her fun.

- Um, I'm still on "no."
- Uh, morning.
- Hey.
- Could you close your eyes for a sec?
- Oh, no, no, no.
- I'm not falling for that again.
- What's going on?
- I sort of did a stupid thing last night.
- What stupid thing did you do?

- Um, I brought some wine.
- Would you like some?
- Sure.
- So here we are. Nervous?
- Me? No. You?
- No. I want this to happen.
- So do I.

- We don't, really.
- Well, so do you guys have big plans?
- Oh, yeah. We're gonna, like, connect and, you know, bond and everything.
- I was thinking we could go down to
- Times Square and pick up some ninja stars.
- Oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker.
- You know, we really don't take advantage of living in the city.

- Would you all stop yelling in our apartment?
- You are ruining moving day for us.
- Would you stop calling it your apartment?
- It is ours.
- Guys, you guys, you're gonna have a baby.
- They're gonna have a baby.
- My sister's going to have my baby!

Rachel: I am so sorry for Ross' flirting.
Caitlin: [stunned] Oh, my god! That was flirting?

- Until she finds the one she wants, and I'm gonna die alone.
- By drowning or...?
- Why would he break up with me?
- I don't know, sweetie.
- All I ever wanted was to just love him and have him love me back.
- I mean, am I so unlovable?
- Wow.
- I know.

- Wanna visit someone else?
- Yeah, I would like that.
- That's him.
- Great. Well, go get him.
- Or maybe you could go in first.
- Hi, I'm Dr. Drake ramoray.
- I have a few routine questions.
- Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
- Oh, my god.

- Say you'll stay beside me
- Okay. See? See?
- Everybody else is happy she's done.
- Okay, my next song's called: "Phoebe buffay, what can I say?
- I really loved when we were...
- Singing partners and I shouldn't have left you that way."
- Oh, no. One of those look-for-the-hidden-meaning songs.

Rachel: Oh, God, I hate my job. I hate it. I hate my job.
Monica: I know, honey. I'm sorry.
Rachel: Oh. I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out. Then I think, why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job just because it's remotely related to the field they're interested in?

Monica: I wonder what age it is that you stop being able to put both legs behind your head.
Phoebe: Oh, I can still do that.
Monica: How are you still single?

Ross: [In armadillo costume] What are you doing here Santa?
Chandler: [In Santa costume] Well I'm here to see my old buddy Ben! What are you doing here... weird turtle man?

- Bijan for men?
- Bijan for men?
- Bijan for men?
- Hey, Annabel.
- Hey, Joey.
- Did you hear about the new guy?
- Who?
- Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls call him "the hombre man."

Janice: [she's having contractions] Oh, I feel another one coming.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Janice is screaming, which drives Ross and Rachel crazy, but her husband Sid can barely hear her because he's almost deaf] Sid, you lucky damn bastard.

Phoebe: [singing] The cow in the meadow goes moo / The cow in the meadow goes moo / Then the farmer hits her on the head and grinds her up/ And that's where we get hamburgers... And now, Chickens!

- What do I do with him?
- I don't know, talk to him.
- Entertain him. Keep him alive.
- Okay.
- Ross: Okay, Ben, come here.
- I'm gonna leave you here with aunt Rachel for about an hour, okay?
- Gonna be okay?
- I think so.
- I wasn't talking to you.

[Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her]
Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.
Joey: Oh, you do?
Phoebe: Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.
Joey: I know. I mean it's Rachel. Not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel.
Phoebe: Ohh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.
[under her breath]
Phoebe: Beat me over the head with it, why don't you.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her.
Joey: You think?
Phoebe: Yeah. I mean I've had them for all you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us girls, right?
Joey: No, not really.
Phoebe: [under her breath] Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?

Rachel: Ross kissed me.
Phoebe: No!
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Rachel: It was unbelievable!
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Phoebe: Okay, we want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does it end well or do we need to get tissues?
Rachel: Oh, it ended very well.
Monica: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!
Phoebe: Alright, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like... was it like, a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, "I gotta have you now" kinda thing?
Rachel: Well, at first it was really intense, you know, and then... oh god, and then we just sorta sunk into it...
Phoebe: Ohh, so, ok, was he like holding you or were is hands like, on your back?
Rachel: No, actually first they were... they started out on my waist... and then they slid up, and then they were in my hair...
Phoebe,8062: Ohhh...

Joey: [after meeting Rachel's sister] Hey, how you doing?
Rachel: [angrily] Don't!

- Really not deciding.
- Fine.
- Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing.
- You're marrying Chandler bing?
- Yeah.
- Good luck!
- Oh, and good luck to you too!
- What a nice lady.

Monica: So Chip, what do you do?
Chip: What do you mean? You know where I work.
Monica: You mean you still work at the multiplex?
Chip: Free candy and soda as often as I want? Who'd give up that job? I can get you free posters for your room.
Monica: No thanks, I'm set.

[first lines]
Chandler: Hmm. Oh, I don't know.
Rachel: What?
Chandler: Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing?

[Phoebe walks in and hits Joey]
The: Cut!
Phoebe: No, I'm mad at him! He slept with me and never called!
Female: Yeah, me too.
Female: Me too.
Joey: No, she means her character! We need some new extras around here...

- Or I had a uterus.
- I can't believe it.
- I know.
- You know, you don't deserve this.
- You don't, Ross.
- You're so good.
- Thanks.
- And you're so sweet.
- Thanks.
- And you're kind.

Phoebe: That doesn't sound "painless"
Monica: No, it was pain *full*

- Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
- I know!
- Oh, my god!
- How long do you want the cuffs?
- At least as long as I have the pants.
- I just got that.
- Okay. Now we'll do your inseam.

Rachel: Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Ben: Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Rachel: Don't do that.
Ben: Don't do that.
Rachel: Seriously. Your dad doesn't like pranks.
Ben: Seriously. Your dad doesn't like pranks.
Rachel: Oh. Damnit!
Ben: Oh. Damnit!
Rachel: No, don't say that.
Ben: Damnit!
Rachel: Don't go back to repeating it.
Ben: Damnit.
Rachel: Aw crap
Ben: Aw crap
Rachel: No. Don't.
Ben: Damnit!

Monica: What's the part?
Joey: It's not a part. No. I'm teaching Acting for Soap Operas at the Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on. That's great.
Joey: It's like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
Ross: You know, you're probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.
Joey: [long pause] I know.

Emily: Ross, I'm having a great time. Your sister was just telling me that you used to dress up like little old ladies and host make-believe tea parties!
Ross: Did she tell you how she was partially responsible for legislation regulating the strength of swing sets?

Dr. Ross Geller: Hi, I was wondering, is it possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? I wrote a book that's up there and instead of reading it people are... well, they're rolling around in front of it.

Monica: You go girl!
[pause]
Monica: I can't pull that off, can I?

- Rachel, um, I was talking to this guy...
- And I think he'll have sex with you.
- Okay...
- Yeah, okay. Let's leave these two alone.
- Aah!
- No. I don't care what my hormones are doing.
- I'm not gonna just do it with some random guy.
- Fine. Then you tell Roger.
- He was really looking foward to this.

- Okay, maybe it's best not to think about it.
- Oh, this is inexcusable.
- I'm shocked to my very core.
- Phoebe, I told her you already knew.
- Another lie. You have a sickness.
- Ross, just for my own peace of mind...
- You're not married to any more of us, are you?

[Ross' Halloween costume]
Ross: You know that Russian satellite Sputnik? Well I'm a potato which is a spud and i have my antennas.
[Everyone glares at him like he's crazy]
Ross: Sputnik? SPUD-nik
[Joey enters]
Joey: Hey. Ross came as Doody.

- Stop staring at me!
- Just a tiny little... ha, ha.

Monica: Who are you?
Priest: I am the priest.
Chandler: He's Greek Orthodox.
Rachel: As are you.

- And while I say it's cute, others disagree, and I'm lying.
- I'm not always that bad.
- Oh, yeah?
- What happened when we played last time?
- I punched you.
- And?
- Phoebe.
- And?
- I clunked your heads together.

Joey: You gotta be cool, because my grandma doesn't know about you two. You do not wanna tick her off. She was, like, the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body.

Kate: So, what're we gonna do about this scene, huh?
Joey: I don't know.
Kate: Maybe if it had more heat.
Joey: How do you mean?
Kate: Well, Adrienne's looking for a reason to stay. Victor can't just kiss her, he's gotta really give her a reason to stay.
Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue.
Kate: Or maybe he could grab her and lift her up.
Kate: And then maybe Adrienne could wrap her legs around his waist.
Kate: And she would rip off his shirt and kiss his chest and his stomach!
Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!
Kate: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal...
[cut to Joey's bedroom, they both emerge from the covers]
Joey: Something like that?
Kate: Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in mind.

- I mean, you can't be alone right now.
- No, come on, I'm totally okay.
- I don't need you to come.
- I can totally handle this on my own.
- Still, still, let me come for me.
- Okay. If you really need to.
- I bet someone could use one of Monica's freshly baked cookies.
- Oh, I really could.
- Oh.

Ross: That was funny. Painfully funny. No, wait. Just painful.

- Okay, buddy boy, here it is.
- You hide my clothes?
- I'm wearing everything you own.
- Oh, my god!
- Look at me, I'm Chandler!
- Could I be wearing any more clothes?
- Maybe if I wasn't going "commando."
- Whew. I tell you, it's hot with all this stuff on. I'd better not do any lunges.

Joey: I hate Pottery Barn too! They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed.
Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!

- Ross.
- Let me show you where the guest room is.

- That's my favorite kind.
- Okay, we are doing this.
- Don't let yourself get manipulated this way.
- Stay out of this, Chandler.
- This is between me and me.
- We are supposed to make these decisions together.
- Did you not watch the Dr. Phil I taped for you?

- The waitress I went out with last month?
- You know what? Forget it.
- No, no, no, no.
- Who are you talking about?
- No, I don't...
- I actually don't know who
- I'm talking about, so...
- Well, I'm gonna go see if I can get a room for tonight.
- And I'll see you later.
- Yeah, sure. Okay.

Chandler: Am I a Mark or a John?
Joey: Well, you're not tall enough to be a Mark... but you might make a good Barney.

Dr. Ross Geller: Ow! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle! I think I twisted it wh- Ooh! A Quarter!

Emily: And that was all before ten o'clock! The caterer rang to say it's going to be Chicken Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon! And then the florist phoned to say there aren't any tulips! Oh, and then the cellist has Carpal Tunnel Syndrome! We're not going to...
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Emily, honey...
[he makes a "time out" hand sign]
Ross: Okay?
Emily: Well, up yours, too!
Ross: What?
Emily: Oh. That's not what it means?

- That's so soft.
- Pillowcases.
- Oh, ah.

- Very funny. Very funny.
- I think we'd like to give poker another try. Shall we, ladies?
- Both: Yes, I think we should.
- Rach, do you want me to shuffle those?
- No, no. That's okay. You know what?
- I'm gonna give it a go.
- Ross: All right.
- All right.

Joey: Look, I have somewhere I need to be, so if we can shoot the scene fast, that'd be great. But, I don't need to tell you, you're a professional.
Richard: ...I'm wearing two belts.
Joey: Are you drunk?
Richard: No!
Joey: Yes, you are!
Richard: Well, all right.

Dr. Ross Geller: Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, MONICA DID!

Rachel: My mother sends me the engagement notices for inspiration.
[looks: ]
Rachel: Oh, my God, oh, my God... Barry and Mindy.
Monica: Barry who you almost...?
Rachel: Barry who I almost.
Monica: And Mindy your maid of...?
Rachel: Mindy my maid of.
Monica: [takes a look] That's Mindy? Well, she is pretty.
[gets sour look]
Monica: Lucky! To have had a friend like you!
[earns smile]

Monica: [the guys don't believe in phoning after the date the next day] Ugh. I can't believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you people.

- Hi there.
Joey: He couldn't let it go.
- I don't really know what happened with that.
- And then Ross' new girlfriend shows up...
- And Rachel convinced her to shave her head.
- And now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl.
- And I don't know what happened there either.
- You know what? Hold on.
- Let me go get Chandler.

- So, what's new?
- Oh, I had a little heart attack.
- Right. Is it painful?
- What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you?
- Let's see if we can get that Rachel back in here.
- So, what's new with you? Knocked up any more of my daughters lately?
- Nope. Just the one. Rachel!

Chandler: You know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always puts a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?

Dr. Ross Geller: Wassup!
Chandler: Seriously, dude. Three years ago.

- I like your necklace.
- Oh, I made it myself.
- You are so talented.
- Well, it's no Pesto.
- All right, let's just cut to the chase.
- Okay? You're single, you're single.
- He gets off work at 11.
- She'll be waiting for your call.
- I'll give him your number if I could just get calamari and Caesar salad!
- I did not yell.
- I am not putting a dollar in the jar.

Chandler: [after doing a list of Rachel's pros and cons] All right, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?
Ross: She's not Rachel.

Chandler: I don't know what to say Joe, there's never a good time to stop... catching on fire.

- Oh, man!
- Unh!
- Vvhathappened?
- I ended up at Ross' place.
- I must have miscounted or something.
- Damn! She's not there anymore.
- Oh, look, Ross is doing his "watching TV" bit.
Monica: No, Joe, I think he's just watching TV.

- I really thought she'd stay.
- I know.
- I'm sorry.

- You know, I was only kidding.
- Yeah, that was a real good one.

Joey: These Little Women... Wow!
Chandler: You're liking it, huh?
Joey: Oh yeah. Amy just burned Jo's manuscript. I don't see how he could ever forgive her.
Dr. Ross Geller: Uhm... Jo's a girl, is short for Josephine.
Joey: But Jo's got a crush on Laurie. Oh, you mean is like a girl-girl thing? 'Cause that is the one thing missing from The Shining.
Chandler: N-no, actually, Laurie's a boy.
Joey: No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.

Phoebe: [opens apartment door] No! Mr. Heckles, no one is making any noise up here!
Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice!
Phoebe: You don't play the oboe!
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe.
Phoebe: ...Then I'm going to have to ask *you* to keep it down!
[slams the door]

Monica: Let's see. "Congress is debating a new deficit-reduction bill.
- The mayor wants to raise subway fares again.
- The high today was 45."
- And, oh. And teams played sports.

- When was the last time...
- Someone told you just how beautiful you are?
- I can't feel my hands.
- Come on. Come here.
- Huh? -huh.
- Oh?
- Ooh.