Top 100 Quotes From Leave It to Beaver

June: I'm working on his costume for the school play. Miss Canfield has him playing an angel.
Ward: I'm glad to hear he's been promoted. Last year he played a dwarf... . By the way, how's Beaver reacting to his role? Does it offend his masculine dignity?
June: I don't think so

Ward: [Ward notices that June is knitting a tiny sweater] What are you knitting?
June: Sweater.
Ward: [Thinks she's pregnant] It... it looks kind of small.
June: [laughing] Oh, honey, calm down! It's for the DOG.

June: Eddie, would you care to stay for dinner? We're having roast beef.
Eddie: No thank you, Mrs. Cleaver. I really must be getting home. We're having squab this evening.

June: Beaver, I thought you were upstairs taking a bath.
The: I'm gonna wait 'til Wally takes his, and use his water.
June: You'll do no such thing.
The: Yes, Mom.

Ward: Hi.
June: Oh, it's you
Ward: You disappointed?
June: Yes I was expecting the vacuum cleaner man with a new belt but I uh guess you'll do.

Ward: [on the telephone] Yes, Mrs Brown, I know Theodore has been selling water to the boys, but I felt...
Mrs. Brown: [interrupting] Well I, for one, think it's disgraceful. The idea of a child taking advantage of his playmates! Why, the last time he was here he got Tooey's pen-knife away from him. Of course, it's none of my business, but I say it's things like this that lead to juvenile delinquency, and... and Communism!

Wally: Boy, Beaver, wait'll the guys find out you were hanging around with a girl. They'll really give you the business.
Theodore: But gee, Wally, you hang around with girls and the guys don't give you the business.
Wally: Well, that's because I'm in high school. You can do a lot of stuff in high school without getting the business.

Wally: [talking with Johnny Franklin about his Military School] That sure sounds swell. I bet you don't get to carry guns, though.
Johnny: Why, sure we do.
Theodore: Can you shoot real bullets with 'em?
Johnny: Well, the big guys have a rifle team. We drill with wooden guns.
Wally: Well, gee, what's the good of havin' a gun if you can't shoot it?
Johnny: [he pauses to think] Well, if there was an invasion or something, you could hit guys with it.

[Tooey brings over a book to identify the rocks the gang has found]
The: Did'ja find out what they is?
Tooey: Yeah. Here's a picture. They're garnets.
Chester: Yeah, I guess they are. Hey, what are garnets? Are they valuable?
Tooey: Are they valuable! - they use 'em in jewels. It says in India, they even sell 'em for rubies.
Chester: [letting it sink in] Rubies.
Wally: Hey, and we got a whole vacant lot full of 'em.
The: Gee, they must be worth a jillion dollars a pound!
Chester: Boy, we'll be richer'n any kid in the whole world. Even Sal Mineo!

Theodore: You know Linda Dennison, the new girl in my class?
Wally: Yeah, what about her?
Theodore: Well, she's been botherin' me.
Wally: Well, she hits ya, hit her back.
Theodore: No, she's been botherin' me different. She always wants to sit next to me in the cafeteria, and she always wants to walk home with me. Why would she want to do that, Wally?
Wally: I don't know. You know how girls are. They're nice to you, they usually got an angle. Maybe she wants to copy your homework.
Theodore: Nobody ever wants to copy my homework.
Wally: Yeah, I guess so. Hey Beav, what's she look like?
Theodore: She looks awful. She looks like a girl.
Wally: All girls look like girls.
Theodore: Yeah, but Linda Dennison looks more like a girl than any girl I've ever seen.

The: Hey, Wally, I thunk we was gonna have fried egg sandwiches?
Wally: We were, but the yolks broke, so I scrambled 'em.
The: Yeah, it's funny how eggs can get away from ya.

Wally: What's that?
Theodore: A haircut, I think.
Wally: Wow, you look like Wilson's Airedale when he had the mange.

Wally: Where'd you hear all that jazz?

June: You know dear, I'm afraid we hurt the Beaver's feelings last night.
Ward: Well we may have hurt him a little bit, but I think we got the message across.
June: Well I wish we could get the message across with love and kindness.
Ward: Oh cheer up June. If everything else fails we can always resort to that.

Wally: Wait a minute, you mean the kids are right? You do like Miss Canfield?
Theodore: She's all right.
Wally: Boy, I wouldn't think of likin' my teacher.
Theodore: Yeah, but Miss Canfield is a lot prettier than Mr Bloomgarten.

[June has prepared a lovely dinner of barbecued pork ribs]
Ward: Well, you boys are very quiet tonight. What are you thinking about?
Theodore: I was just thinkin' what I'd do if I was a pig eatin' peoples ribs.
June: Beaver, please.

Ward: Beaver, it would have been very easy for me to forgive you if you had just stood up and said, "Dad, I lost my money and Wally gave me the haircut."
Theodore: [stands up] Dad, I lost the money and Wally gave me the haircut.

Mr. Willet: Mr. Whitney?
Hubert: Who, me?
Mr. Willet: Yes. I spoke to you yesterday about making faces at Miss Hensler, didn't I?
Hubert: I'm not making faces Mr. Willet. I just can't help laughing when I look at her.

Wally: Are you giving me the business?

[Ward has opened the car door for June to enter]
June: Thank you dear. It's so sweet of you to be the thoughtful husband after all these years.
Ward: You're very welcome. Besides the neighbors might be watching.

Wally: Dry up, Beaver.

June: Where is Herb taking Janet?
Ward: Out to get some air, that punch went right to her head.
June: Why Ward there's nothing in it.
Ward: Her head?
June: You know what I mean.

Ward: Come now Beaver why would they have a man at the athletic field to chase kids away?
Wally: He doesn't explain it, he just tells up to get out of there.
Ward: Well alright then you could have gone over to the park and played mumblety peg.
Wally: Gee Dad they arrest you if they catch you with a knife.

[opening narration]
Ward: When you're young, there are some thing you have to learn. How to catch a baseball. And good table manners don't come too easily. But when you're a boy, losing things is one of the few lessons you don't have to learn. And that's our story tonight on "Leave it to Beaver."

June: Wally, where are you going?
Wally: I'm going over to slug Eddie.
June: That's no way to talk, this is Sunday.
Wally: You're right, I'll wait 'til tomorrow and slug him in the cafeteria.

Ward: When I was a boy, if I'd broken a window, I'd've had to pay for it.
Wally: Gee, with your own money?
Ward: Oh, you bet, with my own money. Not only that, but I'd've gotten a pretty good taste of the strap, too.
The: Gee, Dad, you musta had a real mean father.
Ward: I wouldn't call him mean, exactly, but he certainly had a fine sense of values.
June: [silent until now, she's heard enough] Dear, why don't you tell the boys how you had to sell matches in the snow on Christmas Eve.
The: Gee, Dad, can I do that some time?
Ward: Uhhh, never mind, Beaver.

Ward: When girls come in the door, dirt goes out the window.

Linda: I was waiting for you, Beaver. Are you going to walk home today?
Theodore: [desperate for an excuse] Uh... Uh, I think I have to go to the Dentist and get some teeth put back in.

[opening narration]
Ward: You know, it's only natural for parents to feel proud of their children. And there's nothing so fascinating as your own offspring. But when another parent raves about his children, it's amazing how you can lose interest. And that's the way our story begins tonight on 'Leave It To Beaver'.

Theodore: Hey Wally, are we really gonna have a test tomorrow?
Wally: Yeah, I think they're givin' it to everybody in school.
Theodore: How come you're not studying?
Wally: They didn't give us any homework. It's not the kind of test you study for. It's a test in intelligence.
Theodore: I guess they don't teach intelligence in the Second Grade.

Ward: Well, you got the water on the table, boys?
Theodore: No, Dad, we put it in glasses.

June: What kind of stories?
Ward: I don't know uh, stories about buffaloes, Indians things like that.
June: Well Ward what if Wally doesn't know any buffalo stories?

Theodore: I could use my own money, the twenty-five dollars I got in the bank.
Wally: I thought you were saving that to go to college.
Theodore: Larry says he never heard of a college you could go to for twenty-five dollars.

[Beaver learns why people shouldn't handle newborn rabbits]
The: Wally...
Wally: Yeah, Beav.
The: How come Henry wouldn't like her babies any more if they smelled like people?
Wally: I don't know. I guess people wouldn't like their babies either if they smelled like rabbits.
The: Yeah, I guess so.

Theodore: Do you really like me, Wally?
Wally: I guess so.
Theodore: Do you like me a whole lot?
Wally: Look, don't get sloppy on me. I might just slug you one.

Fred: As Sir Walter Scott says, the best laid plans of mice and men, aft gang agley.
Ward: That was Robert Burns.
Fred: Oh, well, see you in the morning. Are you sure that wasn't Sir Walter Scott?
Ward: Robert Burns.
Fred: Oh, well, if you're sure. I'll have to ask Geraldine about that when I get home.

Ward: But why when you got in trouble didn't you come to me?
The: I guess I was ascared to dad.
Ward: What were you scared of? What do you think I'd do if you told me?
Wally: But that's the trouble dad. You never can tell.
Wally: [after Wally and Beaver leave, Wally returns alone] Well he was scared, and that's one of the reasons he didn't tell ya. But there's another reason too. He didn't wanna hurt your feelings.
Ward: Hurt my feelings?
Wally: Yeah. Since you were so nice in helping us build the car and everything he didn't want to make you feel bad 'cause you've got a kid like him.

Theodore: I wouldn't wanna do anything to hurt God. He's got enough trouble with the Russians and all.

Theodore: [we see the boys delivering papers; Beaver throws the first one] How was that, Wally?
Wally: Hey, that was pretty good. Lucky the window was open.
Theodore: [then Wally throws one into the landscaping] Shouldn't we get that one, Wally?
Wally: Naah, the bushes are the first place people look.

Ward: Ah, June, Gilbert's always talking about his parents. Have you ever met them?
June: Oh, I see her at the supermarket every once in a while. She seems like a calm sensible person.
Ward: You can't really go by that. You might look the same way to her.

[the boys have set a trap for Lumpy and are trying to lure him out of the house]
Wally: [shouting] Lumpy! Hey, Lumpy! C'mon out, Lumpy!
Fred: Geraldine, what's that?
Gwen: Sounds like somebody calling.
Theodore: [shouting] Lumpy, dumpy, you big ape!
Fred: Must be for Clarence.
Wally: [shouting] Hey, Meathead! Meathead!
Gwen: Might be for you, dear.

June: Ward, Wally just told me. What's this all about the Beaver?
Ward: Oh, he just ran away from home.
June: [frantic] Oh, Ward, let's go get him!
Ward: Oh, no, that's exactly what he wants us to do.
June: But he might mean it.
Ward: Now, June, there's nothing to worry about. He'll walk around the block once, and he'll be back by the time we finish our soup.
Wally: [enter Wally] Did he really go?
June: Yes, he did.
Wally: Hey, Dad, he said he was gonna join the pirates, and come back with a wooden leg.
June: [Wally and his Dad laugh about the idea; June is not amused] Ward Cleaver, if he does, I'll never speak to you again!

Doctor: Have you given any thought to your vocation in life?
Theodore: Huh?
June: Dr Compton wants to know what you'd like to be when you grow up.
Doctor: Yes. Would you think of being a lawyer, or a scientist? Perhaps a doctor.
Theodore: I don't think so. Doctors have to wash their hands all the time. Beside that, they smell funny.
Doctor: I'm sure an intelligent fellow like you has ambitions. What would you like to be in life?
Theodore: Well, I thunk maybe a garbage collector.
Doctor: A garbage collector. Now, why a garbage collector?
Theodore: Well, you don't have to wash your hands all the time, and nobody cares how you smell.

[repeated line]
Theodore: Gee Wally, that's swell.

Ward: That's the trouble with kids. Just when you think you've built up a real understanding with them, a real man-to-man relationship, they turn right around and start acting like children!

Theodore: Hey Wally, how come Dad's taking us out to dinner and a show?
Wally: I don't know; I think it's on account of togetherness; like you read about in the magazines. You know, it's supposed to make us a happy family and all that kind of junk.
Theodore: Couldn't we be a happy family just eatin' in the kitchen?
Wally: Na, that's no good. Ya' gotta' go out and show people you're a happy family.

Wally: Hey, Beaver, what is it?
Theodore: You know, Wally, it's a dog.
Wally: Yeah, I guess he is. I think he's what they call a Mexican Hairless.
Theodore: He's hairless, all right, but I don't know if he's Mexican.
June: [later, downstairs] Beaver, he's so tiny.
Theodore: Wally says he's a bald-headed Mexican.

[Wally is cutting the Beaver's hair after he "losted" his haircut money]
Theodore: Are ya' finished yet, Wally?
Wally: Well, I don't know if I'm finished, but I think I better stop.

[Wally is about to embark on a camping trip with the Scouts]
Ward: Now, Wally, you do whatever Mr Norton tells you. And don't go wandering off by yourself. That's the easiest way to get lost.
June: And don't sleep on the damp ground, and don't eat a lot of junk.
Wally: Gee, Mom, that's what we're goin' for.
June: [after Wally leaves] Ward, it's just like he was going in the Army.
Ward: Oh, June, they're going up to Friends Lake, it can't be more than...
[he pauses, looking worried]
June: More than what?
Ward: Well, well, fifty or sixty miles.
June: Ward, that's practically overseas!

Ward: If we start praising Wally in front of The Beaver for being neat, Beaver'll get the idea. All kids want the approval of their parents.
June: Well, I just hate to see you force it. Maybe The Beaver will outgrow being sloppy.
Ward: [shifting into facetious mode] Oh, June, that's not the modern approach. You can't wait for kids to outgrow things.
June: No?
Ward: No, you have to send them to orthodontists, psychologists... they've even got experts to teach children how to play. No self-respecting parent would dream of relying on nature any more.

Ward: Well, I think we can arrange to put a new tire on your old bike.
Theodore: Wouldn't it be better to put a new bike on the old tire?

Fred: [Wally and Eddie's prank on Lumpy has backfired] Clarence! Did you wrap this chain around the axle of your car and then try to drive off?
Clarence: Gosh no, Daddy! Why would I do something like that?
Fred: It just seems like something you would do.

Mrs. Margaret Mondello: Things would be all right if my daughter could just find a husband. Then we'd always have a man around to give it to Larry when his father's out of town.

[the Beaver tries to hide his disappointment that Wally is going camping with the Scouts, and he can't go along]
Wally: What are you goin' to do while I'm gone, Beav?
The: Who, me? Well, I got a lotta things saved up to do. Me and Larry Mondello, we were going over to the sand hills and catch rabbits, but he went and got swolled glands.

Eddie: After all this is vacation. Your parents aren't allowed to make you work all the time. It's a state law.

Theodore: You know something, Wally? I'd rather do nothin' with you than somethin' with anybody else.

Wally: Hi Dad. I didn't do anything.
Ward: Why do you say that?
Wally: Well, I don't know, but, uh, you have that look on your face like somebody did something.

Wally: Beaver... you got crumbs in the butter again. Boy, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's crumbs in the butter.
Theodore: Sorry Wally. That must have happened when it fell on the floor.

June: Ward, why do you always put the silverware backwards?
Ward: Oh that's a hangover from my prep school days. We always did it that way. It was our method of striking back at the social order.

Ward: Hey, uh, Wally, your mother was just telling me there's a dance at school.
Wally: Yeah, I know.
June: Who you gonna take?
Wally: [looking puzzled] Take?
Ward: Yeah, take. You're surely not going to a dance alone.
Wally: Oh, 'course not, Dad. I'm going with Eddie Haskell.

Ward: I thought the boys were up here.
June: Uh-uh.
Ward: Well, they've deserted the vacant lot.
June: They went into the garage a while ago with a box. Looked like it was filled with dirt. Ward, what would they do with a box full of dirt?
Ward: Well, June, the possibilities of dirt are practically unlimited.
June: I think you ought to go out there and see what they're up to.
Ward: June, I can't do that. Unless your kids are tearing something down, or burning something up, or being unkind to old ladies, y'have to leave 'em alone. That's the unwritten law.
[later, Beaver is just leaving after June won't listen to the gang's secret]
June: [to Ward] He's got a big secret, and he's just busting to tell someone.
Ward: Well, did you ask him what it was?
June: Well, of course not, dear. Unless they're tearing down buildings or burning up old ladies, we just don't pry. Unwritten law.

June: Y'know, it's funny.
Ward: [Ward is in old clothes, painting the kitchen door] What's funny?
June: The human male goes through three stages. From a messy little boy in dirty jeans and a sweatshirt to a neat young man. He gets married and he goes right back to the dirty jeans and the sweatshirt.
Ward: Dear, uh, a married man being neat is like running for a bus after you've caught it.
June: Ha, ha, ha. Aren't we the kitchen comedian, though.

Theodore: [Beaver confides in his Dad that he took Wally over to Mary Ellen Rogers's house, and they basically told him to get lost] You know, Dad, now it's all over with, I feel kinda silly.
Ward: Well Beaver, I'll tell you something about women. They have a wonderful capacity for love and understanding. Their tenderness and their sweetness are all-encompassing. But at times, they do have a knack of making us men look very, very silly.
June: [unknown to Ward or The Beaver, June has been listening] I heard that, Ward Cleaver!
Theodore: Oh, hi Mom.
Ward: Yeah, hi Mom.
June: [annoyed] Hi. Ward, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, putting ideas like that in The Beaver's mind.
Ward: Oh yeah? Do you know what Mary Ellen Rogers did? She used The Beaver in order to get Wally to take her to the dance tonight. And don't look so shocked, because it's exactly what you predicted she'd do.
June: I'm not shocked. As a woman, I'm very proud of Mary Ellen.
Ward: You mean you think women *should* act this way?
June: It's the way women *have* to act. Well, if we sat around and waited until you men got interested in us and got good and ready to settle down and have families, why this whole continent of America would be nothing but buffaloes, jack-rabbits and grizzly bears.

Mr. Bloomgarden: Did you start this fight, Beaver?
Theodore: No sir, my pants did.

June: Ward, why don't you ever send me flowers?
Ward: I'm the kind that says it with seat covers.

Theodore: We can't just say we're going to be friends. We gotta have an agreement or something.
Larry: Okay.
Theodore: I, Beaver Cleaver, swear to die for Larry Mondello and always stick up for him and never snitch on him and be his friend forever.

June: Agh!
Ward: What's the matter?
June: I just thought of his head again.

June: Ward, wasn't there a Cleaver way back in your family who sold guns to the Indians?
Ward: No, that was whiskey. It just got 'em in the mood to buy guns.

Wally: When are we gonna eat? The Beaver and me are gettin' hungry.
June: Wally, The Beaver and *I* are getting hungry.
Wally: Yeah, I guess we're all gettin' hungry.

Wally: Do you have to go away?
June: Yes, Dear, I'm afraid I do, you see, my sister Peggy had a baby. Isn't that a wonderful surprise?
Wally: But Mom, if you're gonna be gone, who's gonna take care of me and The Beaver?
June: Your Aunt Martha's gonna come and stay with you.
Wally: Aunt Martha? Is she the one with the husband we're not s'posed to talk about?
June: No. That's one of your father's relatives.
Theodore: Is Aunt Martha the one that sends the soap every Christmas?
Ward: Oh, no. Aunt Martha understands boys better than that. She sends umbrellas.
Wally: Oh, yeah, she's our Umbrella Aunt.
Theodore: I remember her. She has birds on her hat.
Ward: [chuckling] That's right.
[Ward and the boys laugh it up, while June simmers]
June: Would you boys take your plates out in the kitchen, please?
Wally: OK, Mom.
Theodore: [sensing his mother is miffed, he pauses on his way out] They're nice birds, though.

[opening narration]
Ward: When you were young, you had your own set of values. Values that nothing could change. An ice cream cone was a snow-capped mountain of sheer delight. An autographed baseball was more precious than rubies. And a note from the teacher meant only one thing: Disaster. And, that's our story tonight on 'Leave It To Beaver'.

Theodore: [talking with the family about Linda Dennison's party] Anyway, I ain't goin'.
Ward: Beaver, you're *not* going.
Theodore: Gee, thanks, Dad, I thunk you'd make me.

Johnny: [bragging about his Military School] We even have two guys from the regular Army to teach us the drillin'. And you know somethin' else? All our teachers are men. Well, except the nurse.
Wally: Oh, boy. All men teachers, huh?
Theodore: No lady teachers?
Johnny: [proudly] Not a single one.
Theodore: You mean you don't have to wash?
Johnny: Well sure, they make us wash. You get demerits if they find dirt on ya.
Wally: Gee, Beaver, you have to wash no matter where you go to school.
Theodore: [disappointed] Yeah, I guess so.

Eddie: [Beaver thinks he isn't going to graduate from 8th grade] Hey, that's tough, kid. Let me think. Maybe I can help you figure a way out of this.
Wally: Listen, Beav. At this point, I don't think you want to be taking advice from Eddie.
Eddie: Are you kidding? I've been in an out of every kind of trouble there is in school.

[after a very rainy night, Eddie learns that Wally and the Beaver slept outside]
Eddie: You mean you guys took the sleeping bags and slept out in a tent last night?
Wally: Yeah. We slept out there most of the night.
The: It was real neat.
Eddie: Boy, my Pop wouldn't let me sleep out in the rain. He'd'a come out, and dragged me into the house, and made me take a... a hot bath! Didn't your Pop make you come in at all?
Wally: Heck no!
Eddie: Boy, I wish I had a father who never cared what I did.

June: Well, what were you and Eddie up to?
Wally: We went over to look at the Andersons' new car. I thought it was pretty neat.
June: What did Eddie say?
Wally: He said it was a heap... If we have an extra rabbit later, can I give it to Eddie?
June: [with a touch of sarcasm] I think it'd be easier on the rabbit if you gave it to Chester.
Wally: Gee, Mom, don't you like Eddie Haskell?
June: [obviously backtracking] Well, Wally, I'm very fond of him.
Wally: That's funny. Sometimes I think he's a creep.

Eddie: Wally, if your dumb brother tags along, I'm gonna - oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver. I was just telling Wallace how pleasant it would be for Theodore to accompany us to the movies.

Theodore: How come Eddie's such a creepy guy?
Wally: He works at it.

[Entry in Beaver's diary]
Theodore: Went to school. Ate lunch. Saw dead cat. Came home.

June: Wally, why aren't you in the school play?
Wally: Oh, I'm in it.
June: What do you do?
Wally: I hold a sign, saying 'Just a Minute', while the Wise Men are puttin' on their beards.

Ward: What's this all about?
Theodore: It's our paper route, Dad. We're gonna earn a bike and surprise you, just like you did your father.
June: But boys, you get home from school pretty late as it is. Isn't that a lot of papers to deliver?
Theodore: Only 58.
June: But Beaver...
Wally: Gee, Mom, there's nothin' to deliverin' papers. You just fold 'em up and throw 'em at people.

Theodore: I think I losted my money.
Barber: It looks like you founded everything else in town.

June: Now Beaver, you disobeyed me and you went out in your good clothes. And you ripped your trousers, and you lied to us.
Theodore: Yes, Mom.
Ward: You know you're going to have to be punished, don't you?
Theodore: Yes, sir.
Ward: Well, we want to be fair about it. What do you think a fair punishment would be?
Theodore: No stewed figs for dessert.
Ward: Beaver, you know you don't like stewed figs.
Theodore: Oh. Yeah.
Wally: Hey Dad. Why don't you make him sleep on the floor?
Theodore: Gee, Dad, that'd be neat
Ward: Wally, I think I can handle this myself. I'll tell you, Beaver. I think a fair punishment would be for you to spend the rest of the afternoon up here in your room.
Theodore: Gee, Dad. What can I do up here?
June: Well, you could take a nap.
Theodore: I haven't taken a nap since a long time ago.
June: I'm sorry, Beaver, but that's going to be your punishment.
Ward: C'mon, boy. Into bed. Let's go, Wally.
Theodore: Dad, couldn't Wally take a nap with me? And now we can play checkers or something.
Wally: Yeah, Dad. I wouldn't mind.
Ward: All right, Wally, come on. Everybody out.

June: I have to leave the first thing Saturday morning.
Ward: Huh?
June: Peggy had her baby.
Ward: [he seems happy for her] Oh. Boy?
June: Girl.
Ward: [his demeanour changes significantly to disappointment] Oh.

Wally: [Ward has told the boys how he used to walk to school as a kid]
[to Beaver]
Wally: Yeah, every year the distance gets longer and the snow gets deeper.

Ward: [discussing Beaver's attempts to make some money] You know, this reminds me of when I was a kid. I made eighty cents once charging other kids to look at my grandfather asleep in bed.
June: Why in the world would anyone want to look at your grandfather sleeping?
Ward: He had a beard.

[Ward has arrived home from work and is reading the mail in the living room, unbeknownst to June and Wally who have just come down the stairs]
June: Now Wally, I want you to go in the living room and pick up those orange peels that you left on the coffee table. If your father comes home and sees them he'll be in a terrible mood all through dinner.
Wally: Yeah, I don't want him hollerin' at me again.
[June sees Ward in the living room, who has overheard their exchange]
June: [sheepishly] Hello Dear. I was upstairs, I didn't know you were home.
Ward: Oh yes, the monster has returned to his cave.

Eddie: Hey, guys, like my new vest? I think it brings out the Peter Lawford in me.

June: Ward, wouldn't that be downright sneaky?
Ward: Sure, it would. It's the only way we can survive as parents.

June: You boys have a hard day at school today?
Wally: Gee, Mom, every day's hard at school.
Theodore: The hardest part is waitin' for three o'clock.

[repeated line]
Helen: I want to see Mary Jane.

[Ward is annoyed that Wally and The Beaver are spending their Saturdays at the movies, instead of outdoors]
Ward: This is the last Saturday we go through this 'movie routine'.
Wally: Well, gee, Dad, what's wrong with goin' to the movies?
[sounding more angry]
Ward: Wally, do you realize you kids went in that theatre today at noon? It's now twenty minutes after six. You spent over six hours today sitting in that stuffy movie theatre.
The: Yeah, they sure give you a lot for your thirty-five cents, don't they!

Theodore: [Wally pauses while giving Beaver an impromptu haircut] Are you finished?
Wally: I don't know. But I think I'd better stop.

Theodore: This is one of my good suits, Eddie. My Mom's gonna be pretty sore when she finds out what happened.
Eddie: Wait a minute, kid. You're not gonna be a little squealer are ya?
Theodore: Well, you're the one that did it.
Eddie: Yeah, but if you go around squealin' on guys, nobody's gonna like ya.
Larry: Is that why nobody likes you, Eddie?
Eddie: Shut up, fat boy.

Ward: Why don't you boys ever want to tell me anything? I'm really interested in knowing what goes on at school.
Wally: Well, nothing ever goes on at school, Dad.
Ward: Oh, now, Wally, I can hardly believe that.
Wally: Well, you go in the morning, and if you've done your homework it's all right. If you haven't, they holler at ya. That's all there is to school.

Wally: Are you being a wise guy?

Barber: Suppose I call up your parents and tell them you lost the money, and they'll OK the haircut. How does that sound?
Theodore: [he has to think fast] Yeah... I think our phone's been discontinued.
Barber: Well, then, just suppose you go home and explain it to your parents. They'll understand. After all, anybody can lose money.
Theodore: Yeah, but not as good as I can.

Eddie: Gee, your kitchen always looks so clean.
June: Why, thank you, Eddie.
Eddie: My mother says it looks as though you never do any work in here.

Gilbert: There's nothin' sadder than seein' old people try to be happy.

June: Did you see my little baby, my poor little bald-headed angel?