Top 50 Quotes From Phil Hartman

Mikhail: [quoting from "The Day The Earth Stood Still"] Ah, "Klaatu Barada Nikto".
Ronald: Yep. "Klaatu barada nikto". I always wondered what those words meant...
Mikhail: Oh it means: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

Announcer: [at the start of the videotape "A Fantasy Dinner Date with Hans & Franz"] FBI warning: Hear me now and believe me later. The following is licensed for private use only. Any reproduction or re-broadcast will result in serious pummeling.

Mr. First Nighter: She is D.O. Doggone-licious!

Announcer: [voice over] Now, get ready for a man so black, he goes to funerals naked. Step back, 'cause heeeeere's Nat!

Showcase: We'd like to welcome our new sponsor, tonight: Nice Ass Baby pantyhose. When you hear 'Nice Ass', chances are, it's Nice Ass Baby.

Telly: [during Player-With-Yourselves-Club commercial] And all the latest videotapes, queued up to the good parts, baby! 'Cause players don't have time to Fast Forward.

Pete: There goes the opposite of a horrible man...

Doug: My, eh, my imaginary friend's name is eh... Mike. Eh, yeah, Mike, uhm, Mike Podium. Yeah, his name is Mike Podium and he comes from eh, Audiitoriumville. He likes all kinds of foods, but his favorite thing to eat, is uhm, emergency exits. And his... his two best friends are... a, a basketball hoop and a, eh, a row of fold-up chairs!
Bill: [audience starts to applaud] That's my boy!

Nancy: Oh, Frank, you were wonderful!
Frank: You're playing with an old pro, baby. I've made it with every First Lady since Eleanor Roosevelt!
Nancy: Oh, no, Frank.. Frank, I don't want to hear it...
Frank: You know, I once did Pat Nixon in an airplane john.
Nancy: Oh.. te... tell me I'm the best, Frank! Tell me I'm the best!
Frank: You got the best rack. But a guy could eat off Bess Truman's ass.

Bill: You wanna swap wives?
Jerry: I'm not married, Bill.
Bill: Do you have anything you wanna swap?
Jerry: Well, not really.
Bill: Do you know, maybe you shouldn't mention that I just brought up wife swapping, you know.
Jerry: There's no need to, Bill, because it has nothing to do with the fact that America has lost its competitive edge. And, and, I just wanna know, are you gonna bring up the fact that here we are live from New York, and it's Saturday night.
Bill: No, I won't bring it up if you don't.
Saunders: I'll bring it up.
Bill: Saunders!
Saunders: Live from New York, it's Saturday night.

Phil: I think World War II was my favorite war.

Chick: Come on, Eddie, I can read you like a book. Sure, some of the pages are stuck together. But lets go through the table of contents.
Eddie: Lets not!
Chick: Chapter one: born in a lower East Side slum.
Eddie: Well, listen to J.P. Morgan!
Chick: Chapter two: heads up a gang in Hells Kitchen.
Eddie: A fellow's gotta eat.
Chick: Chapter three: goes from stealing apples to running booze for the big boys uptown.
Eddie: [produces a gun] Chapter four: detective found dead on bar room floor!

Spokesperson: The Myowling Bible will enrich your life. Or nine lives, as the case may be.

Officer: Let me see if I can put it another way. There's an old Persian proverb that says: Every man is free to jump as high as his own penis.

Bing: Wait a second, someone's at the door...
[goes over to the door to open it]
Bing: Oh, it's my way-out son, David Crosby.
David: Dad, I gotta talk to you. I got arrested for carrying a gun at a concert.
Bing: Whoa! Packing a piece at a pop show, eh?

Hicks: Come on, Ripley, we've all seen your underwear!

The: Now, do you see what we have done here? I've attached a pre-moistened towelette to the edge of the bait bag, so that when Wayne is trough baiting his hook, he can clean his hands, there we are, and then the towelette and the foil packet can go back into the bag, we seal it and we file it under 'T' for trash. There. Isn't that nice? I think so.

Phil: You're a lonely American male, you've decided to jump back into the dating game. You take Mary Lou to dinner and during an intimate moment you discover that you're also out with Leslie and Becky. Women who name their breasts. Next Donahue.

Ed: That is the straight stuff, o Funkmaster.

Gil: Mark Linn, you're amazing how do you do it?
Mark: The ability to read my partner like a book. His weaknesses and ofcourse, acting, the craft. The work is so important. And a vast medical knowledge: nerv endings, pressure points and the like, I could go on...
Gil: Please don't. I was asking out of politeness.

Robin: Now, some snakes can kill you, but not this one.
Peter: Aha, so this snake is a coward.

Larry: Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.
Irwin: l doubt l'll have one in the junk drawer.
Phil: Nuclear warhead? What are you talking about?
Larry: The chips aren't shielded against an EMP. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.
Irwin: That's why the military never used them.
Stuart: What kind of moron would put military technology in toys?
Irwin: [pointing at Larry] Well that would be Gizmo over here.

Phil: You can barely walk, you can't concentrate on your work, you feel like you're going insane. When your shoelace is caught inside your shoe. On the next Donahue.

Steve: Rich, there's no easy way to tell you this: they can't service the copy machine here, they have to take it to the shop.
The: [scoffs] All right, Steve-a-rolo, teasing the Richmeister, pulling my leg...
Steve: No, it's no joke. The copy machine needs some major work.
The: The Stevenator! Pushing the joke too far, not funny!
Steve: Rich, I wish it were a joke!

Sandy: [quietly] This copy machine is Richard's whole life. If they take it away, it'll kill him.
Steve: I know. I have noone to talk to him...
The: [loud] Stevester and the Sandita, sharing a secret...

Charlton: [reading a letter aloud] If you ask me, this whole operation is one big wank-a-thon.

Phil: Now you've only had sex once, is that right?
Ellen: Yes.
Phil: And it was a bad experience, wasn't it?
Ellen: Phil, it was the most horrible experience of my life. it was so dirty and filthy and cheap and sordid and sticky and degrading and dirty.

Judge: Excuse me, are you a relative of the Plaintiff?
Mrs. Braithwaite: I am her mother.
Judge: And what is your occupation?
Mrs. Braithwaite: I am a barfly.
Judge: And, by that, you mean you loiter in bars waiting for men you don't know to buy you drinks?
Mrs. Braithwaite: That is correct, your Honor.

Johnny: I'm sorry, there I go again, but what the hell, I'm sorry, I just don't see, eh... I don't see people tuning in for Jay Leno.
Ed: No, sir.
Johnny: I mean, eh, he's got that... sort of a weird face, kind of unattractive.
Ed: Lantern Jawed freak, yes.
Johnny: I mean eh, that jaw just seems to go on forever, doesn't it?
Ed: Dick Tracy villain, yes.
Johnny: That's right.

Barbara: My husband has been Vice President for eight years, I've been through two Senate campaigns, I think I...
Pat: [interrupting] I've been through two pair of hose today. And I'll tell you, that burns my cork and you can't exchange them, now tell me, who's gonna do something about that?

Danny: [in a deleted scene from "Ocean's Eleven"] I don't know, sitting here with you now... I got some kooky thoughts knocking around in my brain!
Josh: What are you talking about, man?
Danny: Your skin... your skin is like... what I'm trying to say is: you get out of this tub and put on a dress, I take you out for the biggest steak you've ever seen! So, do I belong in a rubber room or what?
Josh: No man. Some cats dig chicks, and some cats dig cats. And if it's all right with you, it's all right with the man upstairs.

Mr. President: Yeah, so what is dis I hear about Martians?
Da: Well, dey have landed, Mr. President, we've seen dem.
Rudy: Yeah, they had saucers and ray guns and stuff like dat. I think they mean to take over da woild!

Ladyfriend: Hey... who was that handsome guy you were talking to?
Jim: That's my best friend, Lank Thompson.
Ladyfriend: Hmmm. I love how he continues to smile, while he talks.
Jim: He isn't afraid to make eyecontact. He's also tactile, in a very tasteful way. Damn, he's handsome!

Dale: That's not a question, that's just blatant brown nosing. Another minus 5.
Larry: I'm not ashamed, I'd do it again.

Mr. President: Perfessor, we got martians!
Einstein: Martians? You mean, like extra-tyrannicals?
Rudy: Yeah! We got dem comin' out da ol' ying-yang!
Da: And we need some sort of weapon to blow da funkin' saucers out of da funkin' sky!

Santa: Harry, here's a list of who's been naughty and who's been nice.
Hanukkah: Hmm.
[takes a look at the list]
Hanukkah: Hmm... Brad Anderson, naughty. Well now what'd he do that was so bad?
Santa: His parents had some company over and he spoke when he wasn't spoken to.
Hanukkah: What? What is with you people? What, is that a crime? He's a kid! Kids talk. I'll bring him a little something.

Kenneth: Please Hammer, don't hurt him.

Todd: Carl, what's cooking in weather?
Bill: Eh, I'll tell you what's happening in the weather: it's raining bombs in Hawaii, that's what's happening!

Vincent: Bartholemew, entertain the lady.
Catherine: Yeah! Jennifer, did you know that Bartholomew knows a lot about the city's sewers?
Jennifer: Uh.. no. He, he never mentioned that..
Bartholemew: Yeah, well, the, the sewers. Well, that's where I live, right? So... you know, I use them to get around a lot, so... I don't know, it's funny, but you can learn a lot about the city that way.

John: Issue seven: how do we start the show? Patty-cake!
Pat: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night?"
John: El Clifto!
Eleonor: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night?"
John: More-tons-of-fun!
Morton: Well, I think it's "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night."
John: Wrong! The correct answer is: "Show-show-show, here we go!"

Mr. President: Let's haul ass!

Timmy: Dad, know my birthday?
Phil: Uh-huh.
Timmy: I just want clothes..

Dale: Larry! That's minus 5 points for ass kissing your opponent.
Larry: I deserve it.

Gil: [during the quiz "Word Busters"] As always in the speed round, you'll be trying to guess as many words as possible, in only 15 seconds, but first, Don Pardo, tell him what he'll win?
Don: [voice over] Something very good... very, very good!
Steve: [goes from apprehensive to very excited] Yes! Okay, I'm ready!

Abe: He's not going anywhere! If he can help the Trotters win games, I don't care what color he is! Why, he could be green! Or... dark green, or... or lime green. Or... or olive green.

Godfrey: [Master Thespian is unable to perform a single line] What are you, senile?
Master: Of course not, I haven't even seen Africa!

Steve: [after describing Salman Rushdie] If you see anyone who fits this description, kill him! Do not hesitate, you can make a difference. Repeat, do not, not kill him. If it comes to a choice between killing and not killing him, kill him! Then call this number after you killed him: 1-800-I-K-I-L-L-R-U-S-H-D-I-E.

Church: I'm sorry, maybe I'm just old fashioned, maybe I don't watch MTV, but what exactly are 'pornographic acts'?
Jimmy: They are grievous chasms of torturous hellfire sin!
Church: I see, and exactly who's chasm were we sinning in, hm?

General: Hello, Chief!
Crazy: Hello, General!
General: Call me George.
Crazy: Call me Crazy.

Frank: Look, we're all weak, baby! Sometimes a guy's gotta trade up for a new set of wheels! But you made one mistake: you gotta keep your mitts off the kinder! Believe me, I thought about it myself a few times. But I took my business to the john! When you're a one-man band, nobody gets hurt!