The Best Larry Paul Quotes

Larry: Gee, it's like we're married. You're blaming all of society on me. No wonder you want a husband. You're already a wife.

Larry: Ally, men don't take hints when it comes to rejection. We're used to getting our noses bloodied. We grow up watching movies where, for the first two acts, the girl says no and in the third act, they marry. If he's not the guy, then you have to be brutal. And blunt.

Ally: You are the biggest ass I have ever met.
Larry: Perhaps this is where you kiss it goodbye.
[Ally leaves the room]
Larry: What did I say?

Ally: You are the biggest *ass* I have ever *met*.
Larry: Perhaps this is where you... kiss it goodbye.

Ally: [Larry is out with another woman] Hey, Larry.
Larry: Ally, hi. This is Helena. Helena, Ally.
Helena: Hello.
Ally: [still glaring at Larry] Hi. I thought we were watching our cholesterol this month.
Larry: Helena's my ex-wife. Hey, John.
John: Hey-y.
Ally: Your ex-wife? Oh. Well, what are you talking about over ice cream?
Larry: [wiping whipped cream off his face] Oh, uh, well, um... Nothin'.
Helena: Nothing.
Ally: Nothing over ice cream. Great! Maybe you can, um, talk under it.
Ally: [dumps Larry's ice cream on his head] Hmmm. Are you done?
Helena: [nods] Mmm-hmm.
Ally: Good.
Ally: [dumps Helena's ice cream on Larry's head] Oh, this will just warm you up.
Ally: [pours hot fudge on Larry's head] Mmm. Oh, oh. One minute.
Helena: Take your time.
Ally: [sprays Larry with whipped cream] There we go. OK. Come on, John.
John: Bye now.
Helena: She seems nice.
Larry: She's a sweetheart.

Jackson: You know what? I'm not even in the mood for your issues.
Ally: My issues? What are my issues?
Jackson: Look, lady.
Ally: Ally.
Larry: Jackson.
Jackson: First, you're kissing me.
Ally: [gesturing to Larry] I thought you were him.
Jackson: Then you climbed into bed.
Ally: [gesturing to Renee] I thought you were her.
Jackson: Then your hands were all up on my privates.
Ally: Well, because I thought it was the remote control.
Larry: Hold on!
Jackson: You found the remote, now, didn't you?

Larry: Do you always talk in run-on sentences?
Ally: I'm afraid that if I stop for air, somebody else will get a word in.