The Best John Michael Higgins Quotes

Nick: [listing things he's done since he started saying "yes"] I killed a cow with a bazooka... I'm not proud of that last one.

Steven: Your honor, I'm not comfortable with the response. I'm gonna go ahead and object.
Judge: Over-ruled.

Michael: Why haven't you talked to my brother, the new President of the company?
Wayne: We did earlier. He claims to know nothing.
Michael: Well, that's not an act. He twice tried to heat up a Ding-Dong in a microwave while it was still in its tinfoil.
Wayne: Twice?
Michael: Two times.

Wayne: I have a picture taken by a traffic camera of you escorting your father.
[hands it to Michael]
Barry: Are you sure these aren't balls? Because last time, they were balls.
Barry: [Barry is handed the picture of Michael and George Sr. in the stair car] I really wish they were balls.

Michael: There's a big bowl of candy in my office, why don't you go eat it?
[Lucille enters and while the door is closing]
Wayne: Wayne Jarvis, attorney at law. I have a responsibility to tell you that there is *no* candy in this office.

Barry: Those are the pictures?
Wayne: They're all over the news.
Barry: Those are balls.
Wayne: What?
Narrator: Barry was right. Tobias had inadvertently photographed himself while learning how to use his new camera phone.
Barry: This close, they always look like landscape. But nope, you're looking at balls.

Lucille: You idiots. If he sees me with Wayne...
Michael: ...we'll be stuck with Barry.
Wayne: I shall duck behind that little garbage car.
[Wayne goes to hide]
Michael: Guy's a pro.

Michael: Are you serious?
Wayne: Almost always. I was once voted the worst audience participant Cirque Du Soleil ever had.

Penelope: Teddy was your father's closest friend.
William: Bourbon was my father's closest friend.

Nick: Psh, fine! I wipe my ass with fine!
Carl: ...Wow. Um. Ok?

Michael: My mother is opposed to the idea of hiring a new attorney. She'll probably refuse to enter the room if she sees you.
Wayne: I shall hide behind the couch.
[and he does just that]
Michael: Guy's a pro.