Top 100 Quotes From Big Mouth

Suzette: [to Jay] I want you to bang me so hard, I get Bell's Palsy.

Featuring: Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill them all and you are a god.

Nick: [after the spaceship explodes] There's no one left. I'm alone. I'm all alone.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: You're not all alone, Nick.
Nick: W... who's there? Who... who are you?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [comes out of his spacesuit] It's me silly.
Nick: Oh god, Your Tito, the... the Anxiety Mosquito.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: And your Nick Birch. You're sitting on a bus right now, FREAKING THE FUCK OUUUUUUUUT!

Nick: Andrew?
Andrew: Why, Nick? Why did you kiss, Missy?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Maybe it's because your SELFISH.
Nick: No, I'm... I'm just a fierce advocate from my own happiness.
Andrew: And why did you make fun of my DOPE hats?
Nick: I stand my ground on that one.
Andrew: FUCK YOU, THE HATS RULE! Your the condescending prick. And will never be friends AGAIN.
Nick: [screams] NOOOOOO!

Matthew: I'm on the phone with a real twat from Marie Callender's. Can this wait?

Andrew: It's time for me to reveal my twisted plan. We're going to use our powers to move Nick's ball...
Lars: Uh-huh.
Andrew: ...so he will never get his precious hole in one. Missy, seeing that he is not good at the game, will never let him get to third base, which is my biggest fear.
[laughs evilly]
Andrew: It's perfect.
Lars: That's a weak plan. I'm gonna make him swallow a hundred golf tees and watch him hemorrhage from the inside out.
Andrew: Oh. So like a... like a murder.

[during the credits, as a Lyft driver]
Coach: Wai-wai-wai-wai-wait, Mon-Key, I forgot to ask! Whadaya do for a livin'? Ya need a phone charger? You want a tiny water that's been stuck in my trunk for three weeks? How 'bout some gum? You want me to eavesdrop on a conversation you're having on the phone? How about a conversation you're having with the other person in the car? You want me to seem like I'm not listening and then weigh in on what you're talking about? You want a melted candy? D'you wanna hear *my* life story? You wanna know how long *I've* been a Lyft driver for? You wanna watch me text and drive? You want me to take a weird route? You want me to make a left across traffic? How 'bout I pull over *here* for ten minutes? How 'bout me watchin' a TV show on my phone while I drive? Hey, you wanna listen to something? You wanna know what radio *I* listen to? You wanna know *my* political views? You want me to hear about *your* political views? What do *you* do for a livin'?

Missy: Holy Nyong'o! I'm about to Lupita my pants

Depression: Hello Jessi. It's been too long.
Jessi: Oh shit.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [excited] Kitty Beaumont Bouchet, Is that you?
Depression: Tito Taylor Thomas as I live and breathe.
[both laughing]
Jessi: You guys know each other?
Depression: Oh we've been working together for ages.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [taking a disguise] Remember, Van Gogh? I see crazy.
Depression: Oh my god,I still have the earlobe in my locket!
Jessi: Can you two please stop? I'm trying to study!

Marty: [Andrew as Marty] Mrs. Birch, I need to talk to Nick.
Diane: Marty?
Marty: [panicked in fright] No. I mean, yes. Yeah. I mean... Would you just put Nick on, please?
Diane: [calls on Nick] Nick, Andrew's dad is on the phone for you.
[holds the phone to him]
Seamus: [tired] Mr. Glouberman?
Marty: Oh, Sorry, Grandpa MacGregor, I needed to talk to Nick.
Seamus: This is Nick. Wait. Why is my voice so weird? And why do I feel my skeleton?
Marty: Aw, SHIT. Nick, it happened to you too.
Seamus: [Nick as Seamus] What happened?
Marty: This is Andrew.
[looks at his underwear]
Marty: I woke up in my dad's body.
Seamus: WHAT? What are you talking about?
Marty: [shocked] JUST GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR!
[he goes looking in the mirror looking like an old man, and gets shocked]
Seamus: AH! MY FACE. MY BODY.
Rick: Oh, shit, Nick. You turned into a California Raisin.
Seamus: I'm my fucking grandpa. Oh GOD! Do you think this has happened to anyone else?

Ghost: My father, J. E., was as smooth as the transition from slavery to the prison-industrial complex.

Connie the Hormone Monstress: I think it's best for everyone if the boys keep their distance this summer.
Maury the Hormone Monster: Oh, I couldn't agree more.
Connie the Hormone Monstress: But... you can still bust open my biscuit once in a while.
Maury the Hormone Monster: I love a country breakfast.

Maury the Hormone Monster: [to Andrew] Jacking off is supposed to be fun, like a motorcycle blowing up in front of a bikini woman.

Andrew: I was attacked by a possum! Underneath a house!

Maury the Hormone Monster: Ooo, ooo, ooo! Tell him to send a dick pic. Girls love that. Especially when it comes out of nowhere, with like zero context.

Rita St. Swithens: Oh, dear, Caitlin has a defective birth canal. Hmmm. But at least she has a supportive and aging, stoned doofus.

Jessi: I keep reading the same paragraph and makes less and less sense.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Can I point something out?
Jessi: Please.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Everything's kinda crumbling around you.
Jessi: Uh-huh.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: And your lying to everyone and so you're gonna have to remember all those lines.
Jessi: [gloomy] Yeah.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: And that doesn't feel good, right.
Jessi: [heard a knock] Go away, mom! I'm studying!

Depressed: [sobbing] Hi
Nick: Oh, hi.
Depressed: Do you hate me? Are you gonna kill me?
Nick: Uhh, no.
[throws aside the knife]
Depressed: Why not? I'm such a piece of shit.
Nick: But your apart of me. And I... Have to embrace you.
[Nick hugs himself]
Depressed: Are you getting a boner?
Nick: What? No. Why would you ask that?
Depressed: I can't help it. I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.
Nick: Yeah, me too.
Depressed: #MeToo

Connie: You know, if you die in your dream, you die in real life.

Hormone: [Has just crashed into the ground and can't feel his legs] Kill me! Somebody kill me! I don't want to live my life in a chair!
Lars: It's not all bad. You can do Disney World in like an hour and a half.

Mona: [talking to Missy] It's time to give Lars the pink slip and give Nick the pink slit.

Maury the Hormone Monster: Anything goes in Florida.

Mona: Well, these two nerds seem to be having fun. But I'm so bored, I want to set my pussy on fire. And now I will.

Maury: I'm sorry Connie, but your girl is a little fucking cunt, and me and the boy are going to go kill ourselves tonight.

Andrew: What the hell? Why does everyone keep ditching me?
Matthew: 'Cause you smell like an Israeli disco.

Maury the Hormone Monster: Ah, yes, the sternum. The jail of the heart, but the foundation for them boobies.

Andrew: Oh, man! This is the juiciest wet dream I ever had!

Jay: Here's something I've never seen in literature: a man's penis going inside a horse's penis.

Jay: Boys are animals, full of cum and fury!

Connie: My first kiss was with a troll named Myron. He had a flat ass and buck teeth. He could eat me out through a tennis racket. We dated for eight years... I should call him.

Seamus: So, you let the woman lock up your pathetic little prick, eh?
[he stands up]
Seamus: No wonder she's such a ball-busting hag.
Elliot: What did you just say?
Seamus: I said... your wife's a BITCH!
Elliot: DIANE IS GOD!
[he punches his face and falls off on the floor, and Andrew screams]
Nick: Holy shit! Dad, you punched Grandpa.
Judd: [he uses his hands in sign language] I love you, Dad.
Elliot: [panicked] Oh my god! What have I done? Father, are you okay?
Seamus: [he looks at him, then licks the blood out] Well, look at you.
Elliot: Here.
Seamus: William Wallace MacGregor, welcome home, son.
[gives him a hug, and chuckles nervously]

Nick: Fuck my family, fuck Andrew, fuck Bernie Sanders!

Andrew: And it tastes like the baby changing station down at the chevron.
Nick: That sounds horrible.
Andrew: It is. It's ALL horrible.

Marty: I can't believe my kid paid thirty bucks, just to chicken out like Al Franken.

Connie: Calzone is the perfect food to hide an abortion pill in.

Connie the Hormone Monstress: How's my breath?
[breathes on Sonya]
Sonya: Smells like pussy.
Connie the Hormone Monstress: Okay, good.

Coach: My eyes exploded! Awesome!

Andrew: Nick, can you hear me? Nick?
[sunlight gleamed on him]
Andrew: [saw him alive] Nick Birch?
Nick: [in the attic awaking] I-It's me. I think I'm okay.
Jessi: Oh, thank God!
Missy: All right!
Andrew: Uh-pa-pa, that's exactly what Nick Starr would say.
Nick: Andrew, shut the fuck up and untie me.
Andrew: And that's exactly what the real Nick would say. Gimme those ropes.

Rick the Hormone Monster: Good thing I know how to dance like a mother baby, fucker.

Ali: This place is fucking awesome, you cock sucking, pussy lickers!

Fernando the Talking Turkey: What I am saying is, maybe all of those angry Gloubermans express their love by cooking a delicious turkey.
Andrew: Hold on, juicy turkey. Are you saying that you are my father's love language?
Fernando the Talking Turkey: Perhaps.
Andrew: Oh God! He was trying to shove his love into my mouth by force and I refused!

Mr. Lizer: Thank you, everyone. The cast list will be posted after you skip the main titles!
[main titles play]

Mona: Holy shit, Missy.
[looking in the mirror, looking like Missy]
Nathan: Oh my gosh. I'm stuck in his gorgeous mountain of a body.
Mona: You sure are.
Nathan: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God, what do I do?
Mona: Quick. Feel your own buttocks.
Nathan: Mona, this is serious. But so is this can, eyebrows, eyebrows.
[they heard a knock on the door]
Nathan's: Uh, Mr. Fillion, they're ready for you on set.
Nathan: Be there in a minute, because I'm Canadian beefcake Nathan Fillion, not a terrified teenage girl touching my own butt.
[chuckles]

Andrew: I can't be horny and still be a decent guy?
Hormone: Look, as his holiness the Dalai Lama once told me, you have enough blood to fill your heart or your schvontz. Not both.

[first lines]
[fades in recap of the ninth episode]
Andrew: I wish my dad could stop being such an asshole.
Nick: I wish I had my parents back.
Jessi: I wish... my dad would love me the way he loves that STUPID BABY.
Missy: [points at Nathan Fillion] I wish I was irresistible.
Jay: I wish I wasn't ME.
[he looks at the moon when a shooting star shoots in twinkling from the sky]

Nick: [running away and shivering in fright] God! Andrew and Seth are such ASSHOLES. Ugh! Why are there so many fucking mosquitos? I can't breath! I'm fucking freaking out.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [strangling] Oh No! Are you having a panic attack? Ehhhhhhhhhhh!
Nick: What? Who said that?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Me! I did.
Nick: Aah! What the hell are you?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: I'm Tito, the Anxiety Mosquito.
Nick: Anxiety Mosquito?
[when Tito bites his arm]
Nick: OW!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: I'm sorry, people hated when I do that. People hated when I do everything. But do I stop? Noooooooooo!
[spins around up and down and bites his neck]
Nick: Oh fuck!

Marty: [spoken over opening credits] Agh! Come on, come, on, we already know who's in this show. What is that, a sperm? Disgusting! Skip the intro already, would ya? We don't have time. Mantzoukas? Too many letters! Ach, who is watching this garbage? The neo-Nazi trolls on YouTube are right. This show is disgusting. You know who had a good intro song? "Two and a Half Men"! They got right to the point. "Men!" Come on, already, let's literally get the show on the road. Now, that's funny. They should put that in the show.

Andrew: My whole body is tense, like Joe Biden is whispering a dirty joke in my ear.

Andrew: Hey guys, look at this! Michael Angelo put me in his dope-ass art. I'm an indictment of society.

Lola: Hey, Jay, I wanna buy more Adderall. I'm in a race with these meth addicts about who can take a sink apart faster.

Andrew: Yeah, hitchhiking! The safest way for a young boy to travel alone.

Flanny: Boys, let's go block a cock!

Connie: I'm not gettin' on the bus, baby.
Nick: Why? Because it smells like B.O. and jizz?
Connie: Naw! Those are my favorite smells. You know that.

Depression: [she enters upstairs] But I'M not going anywhere, Jessi.
Jessi: [she was shrunked by Jessi] Oh, my God. Look at you, you're so cute!
Depression: [whimpers] Oh, shit!
Jessi: What happened?
Depression: I don't know.
[meows]
Connie the Hormone Monstress: Whoa! Honey, you shrunk the cat!
Jessi: Wow, I guess helping Nick made me feel less depressed.
Gratitoad: Ladies, and don't take this weird, but I'm always grateful for a little pussy.
Maury the Hormone Monster: Hey, man, peace and love, but I'm kinda the guy who gets to make those jokes around here.

Caitlin: Leave me alone! I'm too young to be a stepmom!

Connie the Hormone Monstress: I gotta learn not to count my pussies before they're snatched.

Jay: [Going down on one knee] Pam, will you make me the happiest magician on Earth?
Pam: Oh, Jay... no.
Jay: What? I will throw myself down the stairs and frame you for the murder!

Nick: Hey, Jessi, where's Missy?
Jessi: After that whole scene yesterday, she didn't come to school.
Nick: See what you did, Andrew?
Andrew: [Flips Nick off] Fuck you. Sit on this. Fuck your family.

Jay: Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads! Cause I drive on the sidewalk, baby!

Mona: [to Missy] Elijah didn't even have to touch you to send you all the way to Shondaland.

Nick: I don't even watch Game of Thrones. I don't watch anything on HBO.
[looks off camera]
Nick: Is that good? Is that what you guys wanted me to say?

Missy: Mona, am I an out of control masturbator?
Mona: Absolutely! It's the one thing I like about you.

Prince: [Ghost Prince talking to Nick about the size of his penis] It's not the size of the wave. It's the grace of your bass and the spasm in her chasm.

Andrew: I've missed you, too!
Nick: Aw, give me a hug.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Nooooooooo!
Andrew's: [crying out loud when he fades away] Oh No! I'm losing my grip. Oh my god! Motherfuckeeeeeeerrrrrrs!

Nick: Whoa, this is crazy. I'm actually controlling Marty's body.
Andrew: [he looks at him controlling Marty's body] Dad, are you okay? You sound exactly like Nick.
Andrew: That's because I am Nick.
Andrew: Nick, are you in there? What the hell's going on?
Nick: My evil future self has taken over my body.
Andrew: Oh, God! That can happen?
Nick: So, I possessed your dad through his butthole, and I...
Andrew: [he starts freaking out] What the hell are you talking about?
Nick: Oh, God, I was trying to calm you down, and now I realize I'm freaking you out more!
Andrew: Yeah, a bit!
Nick: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm the worst, and I'm gonna be like this forever!
Andrew: [He slaps him in the face] SHUT THE FUCK UP! You're making me more nervous.
Andrew: [but then calms down] Just let me breathe.
Nick: What do you mean?
Andrew: Fucking listen! Inhale for four.
[takes a deep breath and they both inhale]
Nick: In for four.
[and then they both exhale]
Andrew: There, that's better.
Nick: Okay, I'm still a little wobbly, but it might just be the sheer weight of your dad's balls. It feels like I have two paint cans hanging from my taint.
Andrew: Hey, wait... Nick, while you're in there, would you tell me that you're proud of me?
Nick: Oh, this is kinda sad.
Andrew: Come on, I...
Nick: Uh, sure, Andrew, I'm proud of you.
Andrew: No, damn it, say it like my dad.
Nick: Oh, okay, uh...
Nick: [then acts up like Marty] Andrew, you useless sack of nothing. I'm proud of you!
Andrew: Oh, thanks, Dad. I'm gonna hit you again.
[then slaps him once again]
Nick: Whoa!
Andrew: Nick!
Nick: You... You can see me?
Marty: Andrew, did you just slap me in the face?
Andrew: I did, twice, and I'm sorry.
Marty: Don't you dare apologize! For the first time ever, I'm proud of ya, son!
Andrew: Oh, maybe one day I'll kill you.
[and then chuckles]

Connie the Hormone Monstress: I wanted to give you a heads-up that Maury is also going on the trip. Do you think you two can be civil with each other? For once? For me? Your sixty-nining twin sister?
Bonnie: Connie, the dude is a deadbeat.
Connie the Hormone Monstress: You'd fuck him if you got to know him.
Bonnie: Okay, did he or did he not use your credit card to buy a hundred-thousand dollar baby Beanie Feldstein Beanie Baby?
Connie the Hormone Monstress: That Baby Beanie Beanie Baby was an investment, baby.
Bonnie: Baby, between you and me, he shouldn't have bought that baby Beanie Beanie Baby.
Connie the Hormone Monstress: Well, this is not the Jonah Hill I will die on. Have a good trip!

Andrew: It's time for Andrew Glouberman to shit on a Greyhound Bus!

Maury the Hormone Monster: Why can't you just sh*t in the bunk?
Andrew: Everyone's hooking up in there, and you know I get caca-shy!
Andrew's: I'm not going anywhere, you fucking bird brain!
Maury the Hormone Monster: Strain, Andrew. Push all the blood to your face!
Andrew's: If you motherfuckers try and shit me, I'LL PULL OUT YOUR F***ING SPINAL CORD!
Andrew: Oh, God, Maury.
[strains very hard but doesn't how to do it]
Andrew: I'm scared. Maybe I can just hold it in forever
Maury the Hormone Monster: You can't, Andrew! You'll go mad! I think it's time for me to pop your dookie bubble. Shout-out to Bobby and Whitney.
Andrew: [his stomach was growling] Oh, fuck! Okay, I'll try anything. Just hurry up.
Maury the Hormone Monster: All right, Andrew, I think I--
[grunts and Andrew's poop cuts his throat]
Andrew: [Maury picks up the knife in blood] Maury! How did he get a knife?
Andrew's: I'm a pile of shit with nothing to lose!
[when Maury's throat was cut]
Andrew: Oh, no, Maury. Stay with me. No! Shh, just hold it in. No, just don't let the blood out--
[when Andrew hears the poop cackling and his body was decayed]
Andrew: [sobbing in fright] Why are you doing this to me?
Andrew's: You made me! I am the ugly hate inside of you, and I'll keep getting bigger and BIGGER until WE ARE ONE!
[maniacal laughing]
Andrew: [Andrew wails] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

Cellsea: Keep scrolling, cause you'll never believe how fat these ten civil rights heroes got.

Maury the Hormone Monster: I made a fire and I need you to stick a tree up my ass.

[during the credits]
Marty: [wearing an eyepatch] Andrew, why aren't you at camp?
Andrew: Because I am not going to camp, Dad!
Marty: What the hell are you talking about? We said goodbye to you last night.
Andrew: You didn't say goodbye. You said goodnight to the TV, which you do every night!
Marty: Well, you're going to camp! I already paid for it!
Andrew: No! Nick is there and he and I are fighting!
Marty: Nick? Who the hell is Nick?
Andrew: He's nobody to me!
Marty: Aren't you gonna ask me about my eyepatch?

Nick: Oh god, where am I?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Your LOST in the WOODS! I think this is how Berman's brother died.
Nick: Oh, I can't believe they were so many jokes about BERMAN!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [nervous] And then you sang!
Nick: Fucking CONNIE told me to be vulnerable.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: It was humiliating! Andrew's gonna tell everyone it's glow what a LOSER you are!
Nick: Oh that's totally what he's going to do!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [nervous when screaming] What if they call you soup... IN EIGHTH GRADE!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [when Nick saw lockers with the word Soup] YOU'LL HAVE NO FRIENDS! You'll never get LAID. You'll be an old man with an UNTOUCHED dusty little DICK!

Andrew: I'm mature for my age. My mom says I have the soul of an old grocer.

Jessi: Why do you smell so good?
Connie the Hormone Monstress: Because I don't use deodorant and I only take bubble baths.

Missy: If V is for "Vendetta", then M is for "Motherflippers shouldn't have stolen my affinity group".

Andrew: I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hormone: Not yet, that's why we gotta get to the bathroom, Sweetheart!

Mr. Keating: [touching Andrew's chest] You know you have an irregular heartbeat, right?
Andrew: Yeah, my doctor says I have grandpa heart.

Maury: Andrew's finally gonna touch a boob!

Nick: Okay, good time.
Andrew: [shouting to him] YOU SUCK!
Maury the Hormone Monster: Easy Andrew, Nick's already bombing your fucking a dead horse. Sure, it feels great, but it's not right.
Andrew's: No, that guy's an asshole. He fucked your wife, Missy!
Andrew: Well, sort of. Yeah, that's the essence of what occurred.

Marty: [to the turkey in the oven] Come on! Are you golden brown yet, you lazy son of a bitch!

Matthew: Lizer refused to give me the lead because I'm gay. And gay is a synonym for talented. Look it up.

Nick: Eighth grade! Look at us, growin' up. Not like Bart Simpson. That yellow schmuck's been in fourth grade for like, thirty years.
Andrew: Also, is his hair like his skin?
Nick: Yeah, he should get that looked at.
Andrew: I mean, draw hair.

Connie: I'm your hormone monstress, baby. I know everything. I'm watching you when you sleep, when you pee-pee, when you poo-poo.
Nick: What? You're watching me while I shit?
Connie: Well, I'm into poo-poo.

Coach: Did you know all those people died on my birthday?
Matthew: Uh... yes.
Coach: And you didn't tell me? Why?
Matthew: Well, I thought it was funny, but now I'm not so sure. Kind of like Ace Ventura.

Andrew: It's always the guy that steals yogurt that has the perfect cock.

Ali: [to Jessi] I'm all hopped up on your dad's pineapple buttholes.

Andrew: Hey, Soup, you wanna be funny? Show us your tiny prick!
[campers laughing out loud when Nick was shocked]
Jessi: Jesus, Andrew. What is your problem?
Andrew: [strictly] Read the tea leaves, honey. That bowl of soup fucked my wife!
Jessi: [walks away] I think I'm gonna switch seats.
Connie: Let your GUARD down, Nicky. Be Vulnerable! People like that.
Nick: [to the audience] Hey guys, maybe comedy's not what your looking for tonight. Maybe I'll try something a little bit different.
Nick: [singing and playing guitar] Hey, Mr. Man. What about me? Am I a bowl of soup or a human being? Cause when I look in the mirror, I'll tell you what I see.
Andrew: [interrupting] He's sees soup! Cause he's a big fat bowl of fucking soup, the idiot!
Seth: [when people were bullying Nick] That's a good joke!
Boy: Stinky-ass bitch!

Missy: That's late for me. Once Lester Holt is done with the news, I'm done with my day.
Jessi: You watch network news?
Missy: Uh, once the Internet gets it right for 50 years, I'll turn to them.

Connie: Hey, as soon as he showed up, no more Depression Kitty, no more Anxiety Mosquito, no more Self-Harm Walrus.
Jessi: Who's that?
Connie: Oh, nobody. Don't worry about it... But DO let me know if you see him.

Skip: I'm like the couch... we both pull out!

Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [after when she got humongous] Whew, I'm exhausted.
Nick: [he saw her so small] Hey, you're not so scary when you're small.
Jessi: Yeah, a mosquito is actually pretty manageable.
Gratitoad: And they taste delicious.
[he uses his tongue to swallow Tito]
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [she was swallowed] Yaah!
Gratitoad: Mm-mmm! When those bugs come back, and they will, you call your old friend the Gratitoad.

Maury the Hormone Monster: What have you got against tomato juice? It's delicious. It tastes like a vegetable's period.

Shame: I feel I've lost my mojo.
Coach: I feel I've lost my pancakes.

Marty: Andrew, look at me! I'm blasting my big balls with your mother's hair dryer!

Devin: I'm not basic! My husband is black!

Matthew: [to Aiden] Take your pants off, I'm gonna knuckle shuffle your piss pump!

Connie the Hormone Monstress: Happy New Year, everybody!

[last lines]
Nick: I'm so sorry, but I can't stop!
Nick: [slaps Tito in the face]
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: You killed me! I get it! I'm the worst, and so are you.
Nick: I know! Andrew hates me.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: And so does Seth! There probably making fun out of you right now.
Nick: You think so?
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: Here's what there definetly saying.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [acting as Andrew] Nick is a whiny little baby!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [acting as Seth] Let's jerk off on his pillow. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Nick: NO! Please stop saying this stuff!
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: You're gonna have the worst summer. Everyone's gonna hate you.
Nick: [frightend] Oh shit, they are.
Tito the Anxiety Mosquito: [spliting into three and then more] There gonna know you are aselfish little prick who has a little prick that nobody wants to fuck. You're gonna die a virgin. All Alone! As the world explodes from global warning! You dead, lonely little virgin.
Nick: I don't wanna be a dead lonely little virgin.
[sobs into fear]

Connie the Hormone Monstress: That doesn't look like a mongoose at all. That's just a child's dick.
[to audience]
Connie the Hormone Monstress: Welcome back, bitches!
[cut to opening credits]

Nick: Hey, Gals.
Misha: Hey.
Izzy: Hey, sup, sup.
Nick: Obviously, this your first time in the Caf, Right?
Izzy: Yeah, like first or second I would say.
Andrew: Well, the trash cans are by the door.
Izzy: Oh.