Top 1000 Quotes From SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob: *The* Jim? He who flipped patties in the before-time?

Squidward: I thought you said you were the head chef of the S.S. Gourmet.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Did I say that? No. I cleaned the floors at the Gourmet. I was head chef of the S.S. Diarrhea.

SpongeBob: [about to race Sandy] Think you can win a fair race in that clunky tin tube?
Sandy: Why don't you ask my behind? That is if you can catch it! What do you say to that, hydro pants?
SpongeBob: [recording on record player] I'd say I'm already halfway there!
[gets stuck on "halfway there"]
Sandy: [gasps as she notices SpongeBob at the bottom of the cliff] Hey!

Mr. Krabs: [Mr Krabs has put a Krabby Patty out to tempt Plankton, but it's still on the table when Plankton and Spongebob leave] Maybe the lad's right. Maybe Plankton's gone straight.
[the Krabby patty falls over, revealing that it has been replaced with a cardboard cutout]
Mr. Krabs: And maybe SCALLOPS'LL FLY OUTTA ME PANTS!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: I think maybe you should see a professional.
SpongeBob: Wrestler?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: No, a psychiatrist.

Plankton: [yells] Lady, someone should put you in a box to drift in the river!
Elderly: [pauses, sadly] ... you're right.

SpongeBob: [tearfully after Bubble Buddy leaves] Seems like only this morning I held his bottle. They blow up so fast.

Mr. Krabs: Hip hip!
Squidward: Hooray. Mr. Krabs...
Mr. Krabs: Hip hip!
Squidward: Hooray. Mr. Krabs...
Mr. Krabs: Hip hip!
Squidward: Hooray. Mr. Krabs...
Mr. Krabs: I'll be in my office counting the booty.
[holding cart full of money]

[SpongeBob and Patrick are going to paint Mr. Krabs' living room]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs sure has a lot of expensive treasures to drip paint on. Do you think we should take this stuff off the walls?
Patrick: No way, SpongeBob. We're not getting paid to move stuff.
SpongeBob: Patrick, we're not getting paid at all.
Patrick: Well that's what I said! We're not getting paid, and that's final!
SpongeBob: OK! We'll just paint around all this stuff.
Patrick: Good. Just don't pay me.

Mr. Krabs: We've been duped!
SpongeBob: *Duped*!
Mr. Krabs: Bamboozled!
SpongeBob: We've been smeckledorfed!
Mr. Krabs: That's not even a word and I agree with ya!

Witch: Look, it's the haunted mattress!

Squidward: Take it, Spongebob! Take it, please! And promise me no matter how much I may beg, and plead, and cry, don't give me that paper back. Ever!

[Covered in dry cement and unable to speak, poor Squidward waddles through the jellyfish fields]
Squidward: Day five... I think. I've been waddling these fields. I'm hungry, tired and lost. The only good thing about this is no SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: [Looking through the magazine Fancy Living Digest with Patrick] Look at all these glossy pictures of a higher standard of living!
[pointing at a picture]
SpongeBob: This guy's so rich he has a swimming pool in his swimming pool!
Patrick: [Pointing at a picture of a rich guy surrounded by bags of money] This guy's got shoes!

Mr. Krabs: Yes sir, that is bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 words you should never use.
Squidward: Don't you mean seven?
Mr. Krabs: Not if you're a sailor.

Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, lad. I have the utmost confidence in you.
[Runs to the betting booth with a pile of cash]
Mr. Krabs: Put it all on Neptune!

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, do you know what time it is?
SpongeBob: [sarcastically] Oh, sure, it's half past invisible.

SpongeBob: [gives the lemonade to an irritated Squidward] Here you go your majesty.

Patrick: Aah! It's the apocalypse! Office products falling from the sky!

Squidward: Why would you wanna talk to him?
SpongeBob: Who wouldn't want to talk to their pet?
Squidward: I was talking to Gary.

SpongeBob: They seem to like it when I put these patties on the grill.

SpongeBob: Woo, I'm thirsty.
[Pulls an enormous pitcher of lemonade out of the fridge]
SpongeBob: This is an extreme thirst.
[Cut to SpongeBob in front of dozens of glasses of lemonade]
SpongeBob: Boy, I can't wait to drink all these drinks. April Fools!
[Looks in mirror]
SpongeBob: To me.

SpongeBob: Doesn't it just warm your heart, Karen?

Lord: Gentlemen, what *is* art?
SpongeBob: [jumping excitedly, a hand in the air] Oh! Me, me! I know, I know!
Squidward: [shoving SpongeBob out of the way] I thought you'd never ask! Art is a conscious arrangement of elements that affects the sense of beauty!
Lord: Not even close. Art is what happens when you learn... to *dream*.

SpongeBob: Wow, everyone's in a good mood today.
Squidward: I love bursting your bubble, SpongeBob. They're laughing at you, not with you.

[In the middle of a brawl, SpongeBob answers the phone]
SpongeBob: Y'ello? Krusty Krab, may I take your order? No, Mr. Krabs is unable to come to the phone right now. He's trapped in a dust cloud brawl. Yeah, he'll have to call you back.
[He hangs up]
SpongeBob: Gee, I hope our robot look-alikes are okay. Bless their heart-like pneumatic pumps.

SpongeBob: [DoodleBob advances at him with the eraser of the magic pencil] Be careful with that thing! Who knows what'll happen?
[DoodleBob erases SpongeBob's nose]
SpongeBob: I knows.

SpongeBob: [to Gary] Squidward is not a freeloader and he would never take advantage of me.

Plankton: Victory, thy name is Plankton!
[He turns around, revealing a paper taped to his back which says "Sheldon"]

SpongeBob: Hello, Mr. Krabs. Are you ready to party?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Patrick?
Patrick: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I'm ready to par-tay! Are you ready to par-tay?
Patrick: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party?
SpongeBob: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready to par...
Pearl: Stop it! Stop it, dad! You're embarrassing me!

SpongeBob: [enraged he squeezes the glass of lemonade very hard it shatters] Two Things that WON'T, WORK!

[Squidward runs down the street naked]
Squidward: The truth will be revealed!
Patrick: Woo-hoo! Right on, Squidward!

Narrator: [Closing lines; as we zoom out from Patchy's house] Oh boy, what a loser. Well, I guess the lost episode will remain lost. But, tape or no tape, as long as there are stars in the sky, SpongeBob will live on in our hearts and in our minds.
[a SpongeBob constellation appears over Patchy's house]
Narrator: Now get lost. I mean, bye. No, really, get lost.

Plankton: He must've gotten a piece without Jerktonuim.

SpongeBob: Well, let's get started.
[Patrick takes off his shorts]
Patrick: OK, I'm ready.
SpongeBob: Any particular reason you took your pants off?
Patrick: Well, that stuff stains clothes, right?
SpongeBob: That it does, Patrick, that it does. Good thinking. Here, hold this a second.
[Patrick takes the can of spray while SpongeBob takes off his pants. Patrick hugs the can]
SpongeBob: OK, Patrick, give me the can.
Patrick: I think since spraying the park bench was my idea, I should get to spray it.
SpongeBob: Patrick, spraying the park bench was my idea.
Patrick: Yeah, but I said it was a good idea!
SpongeBob: Give me that thing.
[SpongeBob grabs the can and he and Patrick wrestle over it. SpongeBob accidentally sprays their clothes and they disappear]
Patrick: Hey, the invisible spray works!
[a tour bus drives up]
Tom: And on your right, if you look, you'll see two naked guys fighting over a can of paint!
[the passengers and Tom laugh. The bus drives off. SpongeBob covers his lower half]
SpongeBob: Oh my gosh, Patrick, help me find our clothes!
[SpongeBob pats the ground, trying to grab the clothes. Patrick sprays SpongeBob's right hand and it disappears]
Patrick: I gotta hand it to you, SpongeBob. You look kinda funny.
[Patrick laughs and SpongeBob screams]
SpongeBob: Righty, where are you?
[Patrick laughs again]
SpongeBob: No one messes with Righty!
[He takes the spray can with his invisible hand]
SpongeBob: We'll see how you like it!
[sprays Patrick making a hole in the middle of his body]
SpongeBob: Kind of gives you an empty feeling, huh?
[Patrick takes the can]
Patrick: Yeah.
[He sprays SpongeBob's upper left corner, including his eye]
Patrick: I see what you mean.
[SpongeBob takes the spray can and sprays Patrick's lower half]
SpongeBob: No guts, no glory!
[SpongeBob laughs]
Narrator: Several bad puns later...
[SpongeBob and Patrick are now completely invisible]

Plankton: What's this? Drops of rain frozen into ice crystals? I shall harness their energy to rule the world!
[Snowflakes pile up on top of him]
Plankton: Stop! I wish to rule you!

Squidward: Years ago, at this very restaurant, the hash-slinging slasher used to be a frycook, just like you. Only clumsier! And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties, it happened...
SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand! By mistake!
SpongeBob: You mean like this?
[He pulls his own arm out and a new one grows. Squidward reacts with surprise and slight revulsion. At every 'this', SpongeBob removes his arm and a new one grows back]
SpongeBob: Or like this? Or this? Or this? But what about this? Or this? Or this? Or this?
Squidward: Except he wasn't a sponge!
SpongeBob: So?
Squidward: So it didn't grow back!
SpongeBob: OH NO!
[His extra arms react in fright and bounce away]
Squidward: And he replaced his hand... with a rusty spatula. And then... he got hit by a bus! And, as funeral, they fired him! So now... every... What day is it?
SpongeBob: Tuesday.
Squidward: Tuesday night! His ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance!

Squidward: [everyone in the Krusty Krab has found out that "Patricia" is actually Patrick in cognito] Uhh. I think I need to take a shower.
[exits]
Mr. Krabs: So, uhh, let me get this straight...you're *not* a woman?
Patrick: No.
Mr. Krabs: Well then, you're fired. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my office for, I don't know, the next twenty years or so.

Squidward: Are you blind? Just look at it!
[an up close look of the lemonade with ice in it and a lemon wedge in it]

SpongeBob: We did it, Mr. Krabs! We saved the Krusty Krab! All I did was sell the same old Krabby Patties, and call them new!
Mr. Krabs: Do you mind? I'm trying to make a money angel here.
SpongeBob: Ooh, money angels! Can I make one?
Mr. Krabs: Sure thing, SpongeBob. Hop in!
[both make money angels and laugh; Plankton screams high-pitched under Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: Did you hear that?
SpongeBob: Hear what?
Mr. Krabs: Hm. Good point.
[both keep laughing as the episode ends]

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: I wanna see empty suction cups!

Clown: Hello folks. I'm gonna skip right past the jokes and proceed immediately to the part where I throw pie at you.

SpongeBob: But a visit to the Krusty Krab makes everyone happy, and what could be better than handing out smiles?
Squidward: Being dead, or anything else.
SpongeBob: I never knew you felt so strongly about it.
Squidward: Where have you been?

Squidward: I order the food, you cook the food. We do that for 40 years, and then we die. That seems like a good deal to me, what do you say?

Squidward: [Curls into a ball and rocks back and forth] Future... Future... Future...
[Spongetron drops a brick on his head]
Squidward: ...Thanks.

Child: [looking at cement-coated Squidward in an enclosure that says "Species Unknown] Mommy, what is that?
Mother: [laughing] I don't know, but it's hideous, isn't it?

Personified: Just remember SpongeBob, I'll always be right here.
[points to SpongeBob's Chest]
SpongeBob: In my heart?
Personified: Actually in your arteries.

SpongeBob: Umm, Squidward you're stepping on my foot.
Squidward: Oh, sorry SpongeBob
Patrick: And you got you're elbow in my ribs!
Squidward: Eeew...
Patrick: And stop stepping in my potato salad!

SpongeBob: Gosh, Mr. Plankton, that doesn't sound like the Mr. Krabs story at all.

SpongeBob: [putting on a puppet show with two puppets while talking in a falsetto voice] Hey where are you going? To my job. You have a job? Why wouldn't I? I'm not some sort of lazy inconsiderate jerk who lays in bed all day. Say where can I get one of these jobs?
[Squidward keeps watching but he's furious]
SpongeBob: Oh they're everywhere especially if you're green and have six tentacles. Thanks I'm going to go look for one so I can stop
[gets furious]
SpongeBob: MOOCHING OFF MY FRIENDS! And they can get back to their lives!

Squidward: [with a disguised voice] Stop! Unhand that sponge!

SpongeBob: [hugging the wrong Squidward] Squidward, we finally found you!
Squid: Get off me, and I'm not Squidward!
Patrick: [after a small pause] Are you Squidward now?

Squidward: All I wanted was a little peace and quiet. Is that too much to ask?

Patrick: The horrible screaming means that it's working.

Patrick: Patrick: You should work out more.
Squidward: Squidward: Well, why don't I just start right now? After all, I got a couple of dumbbells right here.
[laughs]

Patrick: When in doubt, pinky out.

Squidward: Just when I thought they couldn't get any stupider.

Patrick: [enters Spongebob's house singing] SpongeBob are you ready?, are you ready, are you ready?
SpongeBob: For what?
Patrick: For the annual jellyfish in Uekele Bottom this weekend!
[shows him his net while swinging it around]
Patrick: Ha ha ha! Ya ya ya!
[breaks Spongebob's vase and reacts in embarrassment]
Patrick: So are you ready or what?
SpongeBob: That was this weekend?
[looks over at Gary who's crawling on him]
SpongeBob: I can't go, I don't have anyone to take care of Gary!

[Squidward has a look-alike ventriloquist dummy]
Squidward: Say, Little Squidward. What is gray and ugly and has six arms?
Squidward: [as dummy] I don't know, but have you looked in the mirror lately?
Squidward: What? Why you...

Squidward: The surface, eh? That SpongeBob-free shift will be mine.
[He begins to pedal up the cliff, and goes a few hundred yards before he stops to catch his breath. His legs start to buckle. He slides back down, but hits the brakes before the bike touches the bottom. He groans and sweats as he continues pedaling up that vertical stretch of road with incredible willpower]
Squidward: SpongeBob... shift... mine!

Old: I knew no good would come from city folk and their flying machines.

Man: What's going on over here?
Squidette: It's that guy! He's playing with the reef blower!
Man: Playing... with the reef blower? That's the most childish thing I've ever heard of!
Squidward: But it's fun!
[the man guffaws]
Man: How could you possibly have fun with those oversized hair dryers?
Squidward: Like this!
[He sucks away the man's clarinet]
Man: Ahh! Give it back!
[Squidward fires the clarinet right back in the man's face]

SpongeBob: [patrolling the streets as hall monitor, he sees a couple inside a house] An open window!
Female: More seaweed medley, dear?
SpongeBob: They've left themselves susceptible to danger. I must teach them the error of their ways... through example.
[SpongeBob jumps through the window wearing a ski mask]
SpongeBob: Yaaah! I'm the open window maniac!
[the couple run out the door]
SpongeBob: I hope you learned a valuable lesson.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [sarcastically] Oh, boo hoo. Let me play you a sad song on the world's smallest violin.
[He mimes rubbing violin strings]
Squidward: This is serious!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: I know. This really is the world's smallest violin.
[Close up on his claw to reveal a miniature violin]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: See?

SpongeBob: We're gonna get Sandy now.
Mr. Krabs: Well, hurry it up, lad! We can't squat like this forever!

SpongeBob: [appearing behind Squidward] Why don't you try taking a walk? Works for me.
Squidward: You know, normally, I jump up and scream when you appear like that. But I'm so tired, I'm just gonna take your stupid advice.

SpongeBob: [now angered] Fine I'll just take it out!
[tries grabbing the lemon wedge out of the beverage]

Patrick: And we can fly!
SpongeBob: Yeah!
[He springs into the air backwards, falls screaming off the cliff edge and lands on a ledge with a crash]
SpongeBob: Okay, we still can't do that.

Male: Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if *some* people didn't try to play with big, meaty claws.
Mr. Krabs: What did you say, punk?
Male: Big... meaty... claws!
Mr. Krabs: Well, these claws aren't just for attracting mates!
Male: Bring it on, old man! Bring it on!
SpongeBob: No people. Let's be smart and bring it off.
Female: Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us.

Mr. Krabs: [after revealing that the paint is not permanent] Yeah, I lied. This paint actually comes off with saliva!
SpongeBob: Oh, I get it, Mr. Krabs. You told us the paint was permanent so me and Patrick would be more careful and not get paint on anything!
Mr. Krabs: Nah, I just like to mess with ya!
[laughs heartily while SpongeBob and Patrick glare at him, then storm out in disgust]

Patrick: [after the Big One eats his board] Hey, I was gonna eat that!

[repeated line]
SpongeBob: Have you finished those errands?

Plankton: I don't understand, is there a gas leak in here?

Squidward: Patrick, just how dumb are you?
Patrick: It varies.

Squidward: Look at them eating that garbage.
[Notices Harold eating his Ultra Krabby Supreme and squirting the bottle of mayonnaise that Squidward had just given to him into his mouth]
Squidward: It's disgusting, they're sickening. I hate Krabby Patties!

SpongeBob: I'm every bit as good as Larry, and if I'm not, then may I be struck by...
[rumble of thunder]
SpongeBob: ... a flying ice cream truck.
[a shadow forms over SpongeBob; chimes play]
SpongeBob: And live!
[the flying ice cream truck stops short of crushing Spongebob]
Larry the Lobster: [on megaphone] Please do not land flying ice cream trucks on the bathers.

SpongeBob: Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother. And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg.

SpongeBob: [on the phone] Hello. Fancy french restaurant? I've got a naughty snail here who won't take a bath.

SpongeBob: How could you, Mr. Krabs? You promised these children Krabby the Clown, but all I saw out there was...
[starts tearing up]
SpongeBob: Cheapy the Cheapskate!
Mr. Krabs: Hey, I ain't cheap!
[wipes the blue paint from his clown nose, revealing it to be a tomato]
Mr. Krabs: Now take this tomato back to the kitchen before it spoils.

SpongeBob: Yeah, Mr. Krabs. What did happen next?

Neptune: This joke has gone on far enough!, where's my fry cook?
[everyone runs except Patrick]
Neptune: [pointing at Patrick] Certainly you with your prodigious girth would know how to cook a burger to serve a royal palate!
[Patrick points at SpongeBob]
Neptune: What? Am I expected to believe that this creature is royal fry cook material? I don't suppose you have any proof?
[Patrick shows him the picture he took of SpongeBob holding the royal spatula]
Neptune: Ha! This thing is unfit to even scrub the royal tail fin! And besides, it's not just enough to pull a spatula from a greasy griddle, there are certain qualities a royal fry cook must have.
SpongeBob: Like?
Neptune: The royal fry cook must be, you know, left-handed.
SpongeBob: Actually I've got two
[shows him his two left hands]
Neptune: [snaps his fingers as he comes up with another idea] Also the royal fry cook wears red underwear
[SpongeBob shows him his red underwear]
Neptune: no blue
[SpongeBob shows him blue underwear underneath]
Neptune: The royal fry cook's wallet contains...
[SpongeBob shows him his wallet]
Neptune: His big toes...
[SpongeBob shows him his big toes]
Neptune: Uh, he has six...
Patrick: [interrupting him] He is the new royal fry cook and you...
Neptune: Silence!
[zaps him]
Patrick: [charred and smoking] It is hot in here or what?
[faints]
SpongeBob: [gasps] Patrick! You hurt my friend! You're not a king, you're a bully and a liar!

SpongeBob: This is how the pioneers hitchhike. Eeeeaaaaeeeeeoooooooooyyyyyy!

SpongeBob: Magic Conch Shell, will I ever get married?
Magic: Maybe someday.
SpongeBob: [giggle] Ooh!

Mr. Krabs: Who put this sweet-smelling soap in all the restrooms?
Squidward: The same person who knitted these napkin holders and embroidered the menus.

SpongeBob: And Squidward, I want you to have this can opener.
Squidward: And I thought this friendship would never pay off.

Squidward: Who wants food? I'm a mindless drone with food, working for the man.

Larry the Lobster: Protein shakes saved my life bro.

Gary the Snail: [Doing performance poetry] Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!
Sandy: Oh, he has such a way with words!

SpongeBob: [Mr. Krabs rubs his latest dollar all over his body while celebrating] What's wrong with Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Nothing lad, do you know what this is?
[shows them the dollar]
Squidward: A very dirty dollar?

Patrick: Patrick needs love too! I defy you Heart-Man!
[Rips costume off of Valentine Fair's mascot]
Patrick: Big Heart on Stick must Die!
[Starts gnawing on the whirly-ride's pole with a heart atop it. It doesn't work]
Patrick: Little heart on stick must die!
[Snaps the stick of someone's heart-shaped candy. SpongeBob hides behind the crowd]
Patrick: Bring me SpongeBob!
[Crowd gladly hurls SpongeBob at Patrick's feet]

Squidward: This attic better be cl...
[shows Spongebob and Patrick holding a coffin for Squidward]
SpongeBob: Okay, get in.

SpongeBob: Okay, goodness lesson number two. You see someone struggling with a heavy package. What do you do?
ManRay: Hello, friend. I noticed you were struggling with that package. Would you like some help with...
[Patrick drops the package on ManRay's foot]
ManRay: Ow!
Patrick: Oops, sorry. Can I start over?
ManRay: I noticed you was...
[Patrick drops the package again]
ManRay: OW!
Patrick: Oops! Gotta start again.
ManRay: Would...
[Patrick drops the box again]
ManRay: OW!
Patrick: Oops!
ManRay: You butterfingered pink thing! What's in that box, anyhow?
Patrick: My wallets.
ManRay: [in a rage] ARGH!
[grabs Patrick's head]
Patrick: NO! SpongeBob, tickle him!
[Man Ray slams Patrick into the ground repeatedly. SpongeBob presses the tickle button]
ManRay: [laughs from the belt] It tickles, but it's worth it!
[continues slamming Patrick into the ground, while still laughing]

SpongeBob: Sandy, you don't know what you're up against! We're talking about an Alaskan Bull Worm!
Sandy: Well, I don't know nothin' about Alaska, but looky here. Back in Texas I wrangled bulls and I wrangled worms. As far as I'm concerned, doing both together just saves rope.

Fred: [referring to a Krabby Patty with jelly on it] This is the greatest thing I've ever eaten! I'm going to come back here for lunch every day for the rest of my life!

SpongeBob: [SpongeBob and Patrick are selling chocolate] Remember, Patrick. Flatter the customer. Make him feel good.
[knocks on door]
Customer: Hello?
Patrick: I love you.

Patchy the Pirate: Does.
Potty: Not.

Patchy: [putting an ornament on the tree] There was a time when nobody even heard of Christmas. Hey who wants to hear the story of SpongeBob's Very First Christmas?
Potty: [in pain] Squawk.
Patchy: Potty?
[we see the bowl which had cookie dough in it is now empty]
Patchy: You ate all me cookie dough!
Potty: [Potty's body falls off] Squouch!
Patchy: Oh well, on with the show.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: You wouldn't know cool if I locked you in the freezer!
SpongeBob: Well, for your information, Squidward has locked me in the freezer, so I think I know what cool is.

SpongeBob: [running after him] Squidward you're making a big mistake.

Squidward: The only culture that guy has is in his tennis shoes.

SpongeBob: [after Flatts tires himself out punching SpongeBob] Do not cheer me, fellow adult students. Flatts is the real victim here. A victim of a society that's going down a violent road to nowhere... a road I call Violence Road.

Squidward: Oh how touching. I'm gonna go home and throw up.

Squidward: I can be anything I set my mind to. I can be a football player, or a king, or a spaceman.
SpongeBob: Or a football-playing king in space, with a moustache.
Squidward: Yeah. Uh-huh. You know, that reminds me. There's something I've always wanted to tell you since the first day I met you: Goodbye.

Jack: There's one thing I forgot to tell you. In return for its awesomeness, the Big One always demands a sacrifice. One of you will not return.
Squidward: I volunteer SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Seabears are all too real.
[holds up a copy of the Bikini Bottom Inquirer]
SpongeBob: It says so in the Bikini Bottom Inquirer.
Squidward: [reading headline on cover] "I Married a Sea Bear"?
Patrick: Yeah! And Fake Science Monthly!
[holds up a copy of Fake Science Monthly]
Squidward: [reading headline] "Sea-Bears and Fairytales Are Real"? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Patrick: Well, maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb!

Squidward: [to Krabs] Why don't you go and ask CowBob RanchPants and his friend Sir Eat-A-Lot?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob. What's the meaning of all these nicknames?

Doctor: Well, Mr. Krabs, you gave us quite a scare.
Mr. Krabs: Am I going to be okay?
Doctor: Well, if you don't want to take my word for it, let's just check out your chart.
Doctor: [reads chart] Let's see... Oh no. Oh no! This is terrible!
Mr. Krabs: Is everything all right, doc?
Doctor: Don't come near me! Ahh!
[runs away]
Mr. Krabs: That's not a good sign.

Plankton: Hear me, Krabs. When I discover the formula for Krabby Patties, I'll run you out of business. I went to college!

SpongeBob: [Goes into sand and shows his face to Sandy] Look I'm Sandy!
[Sandy laughs]
SpongeBob: [Spoungebob is Squidward]
[Deep Voice]
SpongeBob: Hey Sandy who am I?
[Sandy Laughs]
SpongeBob: [Sand phone rings]
[Imitating Squidward]
SpongeBob: Hello Spongebob? Could you keep it down? I'm trying to be boring here.
SpongeBob: [Spongebob has 20 Sand Pizzas] Did anyone order 20 Pepperoni and Sand Pizzas?
[Sandy laughs]

[Squidward is about to destroy the cash register, which SpongeBob called "the last robot"]
Mr. Krabs: [sobbing] Not my cash register! I raised it myself. I got it when it was just a little calculator.
[Mr. Krabs then continues to cry]

Patrick: [enters into the dome and slams the door shut] You can't leave now! You'll blow it!
SpongeBob: [hanging on the door] Air is not good, Patrick! Air is not good!
Patrick: You're just being shy.
[He carries Spongebob]
Patrick: Don't worry, buddy. You're doing fine.
[starts getting weak]
Patrick: I won't let you blow... this.
[drops SpongeBob and crawls on the grass, panting. He coughs and sputters, then stands up screaming]
Patrick: WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS?
[runs toward the door and tries to open it]
Patrick: There's no water in here!

Patrick: Spongebob, bus is here! SPONGEBOB!
SpongeBob: [tries to run up the road] Ahh! Ahhh! Ahhhh!

SpongeBob: [the duo knock over Squidward's wax sculpture of himself] Uh, Patrick I think there's something wrong with Squidward? He looks unconscious!
Patrick: Don't worry I know how to do this
[tries mouth to mouth resuscitation on the sculpture until he turns blue, floats up to the ceiling and lands on the sculpture's head]
SpongeBob: Get off him Patrick!
Patrick: What are you worried about?
[the sculpture's flattened head appears to be smiling]
Patrick: he looks better already
SpongeBob: [picks up the sculpture] But he still feels cold
Patrick: Well let's go put him in the warm
[places the sculpture in front of the window where the sun is shining]
SpongeBob: Do you think he'll be okay?
Patrick: You know, you worry too much.
[the sculpture begins to melt]
Patrick: The Patrick is here and SpongeBob I know a lot about head injuries, believe...
[starts to drool as SpongeBob snaps his fingers at him to snap him out of it]
Patrick: ... me. Hey, what's that on your shoe?
[Sponge looks down]
SpongeBob: I don't know
Patrick: It kind of looks like...
[the sculpture has melted into a puddle with Squidward's face]
SpongeBob: [horrified] Squidward!

Patrick: Firmly grasp it in your hand.
[Squidward's jellyfishing net falls to the ground]
Patrick: No, no, firmly grasp it.
[the net falls again]
Patrick: [Angrily] Firmly grasp it!
[Patrick jams the net into Squidward's cast]

SpongeBob: We used to do laundry together. Do you want fresh scent, or heavy du - Du-du-du-
[cries]
SpongeBob: ty? Gary, please come back home! I'm a wreck without you!

[SpongeBob and Patrick's fooling around with a lawn mower disturbs the Flying Dutchman and gets his beard shaved off, arousing his wrath]
Flying: WHO DARES DISTURB THE FLYING DUTCHMAN?
SpongeBob: [seeing the clean-shaven Dutchman] You're not the Flying Dutchman.
Patrick: Yeah, the Flying Dutchman has a beard.
Flying: I don't look like the Flying Dutchman because YOU MORONS CUT OFF MY BEARD!
SpongeBob: Oh, it makes you look a thousand years younger!
Flying: I don't want to look younger! I hate youth! I'll probably get pimples again.
Patrick: Your beard will just grow back.
Flying: You know nothing of my facial hair! IT'LL TAKE A THOUSAND YEARS FOR MY BEARD TO GROW BACK!
SpongeBob: I'm sorry. But we don't know what it's like to be ghosts.
Flying: Well, maybe it's time you learned. Until my beard grows back, I'm going to turn you two fools into ghosts. Prepare to be ghostified!
Patrick: Ghostified? That's not even a real word.
[the Dutchman zaps SpongeBob and Patrick, who giggle]
Flying: Okay, you're having too much fun.
[He zaps them again, turning them green and translucent and turning their legs into ghost-like tails]
Patrick: We're mermaids.
Flying: YOU'RE GHOSTS!
SpongeBob,11838: Ohh!
SpongeBob: We're ghosts! Yaaaay!
Flying: This isn't really working out the way I imagined.

Squidward: [SpongeBob running to his room with a glass of lemonade] SpongeBob! SpongeBob!
[enters the room with the lemonade]
Squidward: and why aren't you in uniform?
[leaves the room and comes back dressed as a maid]
Squidward: It's About Time You Got Here!
[the bed is covered with a lot of items]

Narrator: Every day is a holiday for SpongeBob, even if he has to make one up.
SpongeBob: [gets out of bed wearing a viking helmet and braided beard] Hey, everybody! It's Leif Ericsson Day! Hinga-dinga-dergen!

[SpongeBob appears on the horizon]
Sandy: Here, Patrick. Have a Krabby Patty.
[whispers]
Sandy: Psst. There he is Patrick, say your line.
Patrick: [picks up paper] Why thank you, Sandy. Take Patty. Too bad SpongeBob isn't here to enjoy this. These are his favorite.
[on the verge of tears]
Patrick: Take bite.

Plankton: You could say we're friends, right?
SpongeBob: Um, no.
Plankton: Acquaintences?
SpongeBob: No.
Plankton: Well, we're both invertebrates, right?
SpongeBob: I guess so.
Plankton: You see? Everything works out. I have something for you. I've been keeping it in my secret compartment.
[Reaches behind his back and pulls out a spatula]
Plankton: Ching! Sparkle sparkle!
SpongeBob: Wow! A golden spatula! It's even got my name on it.
Plankton: It's a gift. A gift from a friend. Friends give each other gifts. And tomorrow's my birhtday. And do you know what I like more than anything in the whole world?
SpongeBob: A booster seat?
Plankton: Booster seat? Hot dog!... I mean, no. What I want for my birthday from you, my friend is one of those tender... delicious... mouth-watering... Krabby Patties.
SpongeBob: [Gasp] You just want to be friends so you can get your hands on the Krabby Patty. And I bet it's not even your birhtday tomorrow.
Plankton: Gee, and I thought you were stupid.
SpongeBob: You'll never get a Krabby Patty from me. Even if we are friends. Never! Never! Never! Never!
Plankton: Oh, I'll get a Krabby Patty. And you're gonna hand-deliver it to me personally. You weak minded fool!
[Plays omninous music on his record player]
Plankton: Ha-ha-ha-ha!

SpongeBob: I guess crying does solve all your problems after all!

Sandy: Something's rotten in the Alamo.

[Spongebob and Patrick were crying after Sandy sang a sad song about how she misses Texas]
Patrick: [happily] Do you think she knows the Muffin Man song?

Patar: [approaches Squog who's covered in Gary's slime] Hmm? Yuck!
[tastes the slime]
Patar: Blecch!
[puts some salt on it and now decides it tastes good]
Patar: Mowanga!
Squog: [angrily pushes the slime off him] Patar!
Patar: [exicted] Squog! Patar unga Squog!
[hugs him so tight his head inflates]
Patar: Squog!
[hugs him tighter his bones start cracking]
Patar: Squog!

Sandy: Yee-haw! Get along, little shellfish! Gallop, you scallops!
[Lands the balloon right behind Patrick; SpongeBob is relieved]
SpongeBob: Yeah! Sandy's here! Woo-hoo! Look, Patrick, it's here! It's here! The best Valentine in the whole wide world is right behind you!
Patrick: [ignores him] Sure it is.
SpongeBob: [jumping up and down] I'm telling you! It's right there! TURN AROUND!
Patrick: Uh-uh.
SpongeBob: Patrick, just turn around!
[the crowd shouts at Patrick and SpongeBob is sad]
Crowd: Turn around! You nincompoop! Why you!
Patrick: You must think I'm pretty dumb, huh?
Crowd: YES! TURN AROUND!
Patrick: No!
Crowd: [chanting] TURN-A-ROUND! TURN-A-ROUND!
Patrick: Nuh-uh! I'm gonna say this once and I'm not going to say it again, so pay attention! I am not, I repeat, not going to turn around for any reason, *ever!*
Sandy: Howdy, Patrick!
Patrick: [turns around] Hi, Sandy!
[He sees the chocolate balloon and is reduced to surprised gibberish]
SpongeBob: Happy Valentine's Day, Patrick!
Patrick: Yay! My valentine!
[jumps on it]
Patrick: Hey, is this solid chocolate?
SpongeBob: Patrick, NO!
[Patrick bites into the balloon and chocolate explodes all over the carnival]
Patrick: Aw, SpongeBob... you didn't have to get me anything.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Squidward, what in Neptune's name is going on here?
Squidward: We're making a commercial.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: What you're doing is wasting all my money. I told you to rent out only what's absolutely necessary.
Squidward: This is all absolutely necessary.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Then what's all this useless junk?
Squidward: That's the useless junk for scene, uh, 28.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Then how do you explain that? A second Krusty Krab.
Squidward: Everyone needs an understudy.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [Looking at his look-alike] Well, you got me there. But what about him?
[Points to a clown]
Squidward: This job can get very stressful, Mr. Krabs.

Squidward: Why would anyone stay at a hotel in Bikini Bottom? It's in the middle of scenic nowhere. There's nothing to do here except get stung by jellyfish.
[Jellyfish stings Squidward]
Squidward: See?

Patchy the Pirate: [to the Audience] Hey kids, rush hour traffic in Encino is a real letdown. Maybe some music might soothe my jangled nerves. At least my in dash HI-FI is still working.
[turns on the radio and film comes out of the tape deck]
Patchy the Pirate: Oh No! Me ultra rare Frampton Comes Alive 8-Track destroyed!
[throws the tape on the ground]
Patchy the Pirate: And I'm going to miss the new SpongeBob episode!

[about the butterfly]
SpongeBob: Patrick, we can't leave that monster in Sandy's house. It might eat Sandy's other pets.
Patrick: Or worse it might eat Sandy's pets.
SpongeBob: No, it might eat Sandy.

Patrick: [continues looking for the candy bar he forgot he ate] I can't find it!, where could it possibly be?
[looks at Spongebob holding his candy bar]
Patrick: Aha!
SpongeBob: What?
Patrick: [jumps out of the hole he dug and accusingly points at Spongebob] You stole my candy bar!
SpongeBob: No I didn't.
Patrick: Oh so that's how it is huh?, once a thief always a thief!
SpongeBob: You ate yours
[points at the candy bar]
SpongeBob: this is mine.
Patrick: You took my only food, now I'm going to starve!
[shows a closeup of Patrick's fat and bloated stomach full of cellulite]

Spongebob: Remember the day Sandy and I got married?
Mr. Krabs: What?
Squidward: No!
Patrick: I'm freaking out!

Mr. Krabs: Batten down the hatches, Mr. Squidward! We're taking on water, Mr. Squidward! I want my mommy, Mr. Squidward!

Plankton: Karen, I want you to meet my new computer wife: Karen 2!
Karen: [gasps] Karen 2? I've been... replaced?
Plankton: I'm afraid so. But can you blame me? She's got triple the processing, all the latest software, and a sleek space-age design.
[chuckles]
Plankton: The whole package!
Karen: I can't believe this! After all I've done for you, you dumped me for this cheap pile of plastic?
Plankton: Well, I had to cut costs somewhere.
Karen 2.0: [to Karen] Who are you calling cheap? At least I don't rust!
Karen: You know, you're going to wish that you'd deleted that comment!
Plankton: Hey, come on, babe. Don't take it so hard. You'll find love again. Maybe you'll meet a nice, uh, adding machine.
Karen: Oh, that does it!
[Karen's: Jealousy Scheduler"; the screen has a bar that indicates the amount of percentage it has loaded]
Plankton: Oh, why did I program her with a jealousy scheduler?
[the scheduler is now fully loaded; a laser ejects from Karen's head]
Plankton: And why did I outfit her with a molecular re-arranger ray?
[as Karen's laser charges up, her screen shows an image of a pie and then of stir fry]
Karen: HERE'S YOUR STIR FRY, LITTLE MAN!
[Karen fires the laser at Plankton, who tries to avoid it]
Plankton: Uh, let's not do something we might regret!
Karen: [aiming laser at him again] You should know regret's the one thing you left out of my operating system!
[Karen charges up her molecular rearranging ray preparing to zap Plankton, but then Karen shuts down]
Plankton: Huh, what happened?
Karen 2.0: I accessed the Chum Bucket's power grid, remotely cutting off Karen's power at the source.
Plankton: Ha! Karen 2, I knew you were special the moment I laid eye on your motherboard! Goodbye, Karen Classic; hello, Karen 2!
[he cackles evilly]

[SpongeBob has a jellyfish on a leash]
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. Meet my new pet.
Squidward: That's no pet. That's a wild animal.
SpongeBob: No he isn't. He can do tricks.
[Throwing a stick]
SpongeBob: Fetch!
[Jellyfish fetches stick]
SpongeBob: [holding up three fingers] How many fingers am I holding up?
[Jellyfish buzzes three times]
SpongeBob: Play dead!
[Jellyfish is buried under a tombstone, then comes out]
Squidward: I wouldn't let that thing in my house even if it was potty-trained.
[Jellyfish is sitting on a toilet, reading the newspaper and humming]
Squidward: I didn't need to see that.

Man: I just wanted a vacation!
SpongeBob: Evil never takes a vacation!
Man: Did you just make that up? Because that sounds pretty good! Do you mind if I use it?

SpongeBob: What was the reason we bought those bags?
Patrick: Um... he said we were mediocre.
SpongeBob: Right! He made us feel special.

[a tennis ball crashes through the window and destroys everything including Squidward's meal. Squidward comes back with the croque-madame]
Squidward: What the-?
[the tennis ball flies into Squidward's croque-madame and gets splattered in the face with it. Squidward shakes the croque-madame off and growls]

Patrick: Let's have another.

SpongeBob: Something weird is going on today. Everyone's running away from me. And now... giant piles of bubblegum? Oh, what next?

Patrick: What is wrong with you people? Afraid to look ugliness in the face?
[holding SpongeBob in front of everyone]
Patrick: Well, here! Look at it! It's ugly, isn't it?
[sticks SpongeBob in front of a group]
Patrick: You look at it!
SpongeBob: Hello.
[the group runs away]
Patrick: [sticks SpongeBob in front of another group of people] You look at it!
SpongeBob: Hi.
[the group runs away]
Patrick: Look at it!
[the entire theater runs away]
Patrick: Look at it! Look at it! Look at it! I want all of you to look at it!
[everyone in the theater runs away]

Squidward: Magic Conch, uh, I was wondering... uh, should I have the spaghetti or the turkey?
Magic: Neither.
Squidward: Oh. Then how about the soup?
Magic: I don't think so.
Squidward: Could I have anything to eat?
Magic: No.
Squidward: No? What do you mean "no"? I'm starving here!
Patrick: [taking Magic Conch] Here, let me try. Magic Conch, could Squidward have some of this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
Magic: No.
Patrick: Hmm... Could *I* have this yummy, delicious, super-terrific sandwich?
Magic: Yes.
Patrick: All right!
[inhales the sandwich in one gulp like a vacuum]
Patrick: Sorry, Squidward.

[Squidward peeks out from under the rock at all of the fish eating each other. He's frightened. What is going on around here? It's absolute madness. He pulls himself out from under the rock and runs across the jellyfish fields, out into the light of Neptune's Moon]
Squidward: I'm going home to hide under the covers! It's every cephalopod for himself!
[Sandy looks up from her wrist communicator and sees Squidward blindly running into danger]
Sandy: Frenchy, I gotta call you back!
[She runs out after the octopus]
Sandy: Squidward, you have to stay in the shade!
[Squidward trips over his own feet and falls on his face with a crash. As he lies dazed on the ground, he hears a menacing growl. An enormous purple fish swims up behind him. He turns around onto his back and sees the fish bearing down on him. He crawls backwards, screaming]
Squidward: Help!
Sandy: Squidward! No!
[Squidward whimpers and feebly holds up a defensive arm. The fish growls and advances slowly on him. Suddenly, as though it had detected Squidward by radar, the moon beams light down on the frightened little octopus. Squidward is bewildered by the green moon, although not entranced by it as he was before. He watches the moon go, then looks down in astonishment at himself and notices he's glowing green. Promptly he transforms fairly painfully into a large, normal-sized realistic octopus. With a furious roar, Squidward eats the purple fish, before starting after Sandy]
Sandy: O.M. Jehosaphat! You don't see that every day!

Squidward: Okay i want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
SpongeBob: Is this the part where we start kicking?
Squidward: No SpongeBob. That's a chorus line.
Patrick: Kicking? I wanna do some kicking!
[kicks Sandy]
Sandy: Ow! Why you...
[gets into a fight with Patrick]
Patrick: [screams loudly]
Patrick: Who ever's the owner of the white sedan you left your lights on.

SpongeBob: I guess we'll have to move back in with my parents.
Patrick: You can't move back in with your parents. When my parents threw me out of the house, I never looked back.

Mr. Krabs: $49.0... 8? That's a penny short!
[He cries hysterically into the counter]
Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh no, not a penny. Help, somebody help us.

Patrick: We'll take 20.

Squidward: Why must every eleven minutes of my life be filled with misery?

SpongeBob: Would you like to buy some chocolate?
Chocolate: Chocolate? Did you say... chocolate?
Patrick: Yes, with or without nuts.
Chocolate: Chocolate? CHOCOLATE? CHOCOLATE! CHOCOLATE!
[SpongeBob and Patrick run away]

SpongeBob: Hi, Kevin. I'm your biggest fan.
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: That's nice. Security!
SpongeBob: No, no! I'll do anything you want!
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Go jump off a building.
[SpongeBob jumps off building, returns]
SpongeBob: Anything.
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Punch yourself in the face.
[SpongeBob punches himself with a boxing glove]
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Doesn't that hurt?
SpongeBob: [Puts on a metal gauntlet with spikes] Do you want it to hurt, Kevin?

SpongeBob: [noticing Patrick tidying his house and making furniture out of sand] Well, Patrick, I came over to see if you wanted to go jellyfishing, but I can see you're busy having an episode.
[Patrick stops and then glares at SpongeBob]
Patrick: You know something, SpongeBob? It's just all fun and games for you - nothing really matters. 'Oh, let's go jellyfishing! We don't have any work to do!' Life is just a big bowl of fancy assorted cashews, and nobody has anything to dust or to clean or to wipe OR FABRICATE!
SpongeBob: But, Patrick, the only thing I've ever seen you clean is your plate.
Patrick: [starts crying and hugs SpongeBob's leg] I don't know what to do, SpongeBob! You got to help me!

[a blue jellyfish just cut the power to SpongeBob's house]
SpongeBob: I guess Gary forgot to pay the electric bill.

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what 'cha doin'?
Mr. Krabs: Oh ahoy, SpongeBob! I was just using some old toothpaste I found to patch up this small hole in the wall.
Squidward: [interrupts] Good thing you didn't hire a professional to do that.
Mr. Krabs: And why is that, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: Because then you'd only get to repair it once.
SpongeBob: [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs both blink] So, what flavor is it?
Mr. Krabs: It-it-it's just a hole in the wall, boy. It doesn't have a flavor.
SpongeBob: No, I mean the toothpaste!
Mr. Krabs: Oh. Well I think it's...

Pearl: You bought me a boat!
Mr. Krabs: I did? I mean... I did?

Patrick: Patrick: "Pet sitting? Won't that hurt them?"

SpongeBob: [from a rooftoop] I'm ugly and I'm proud!
Squidward: Is *that* what he calls it?

Mr. Krabs: [to the Flying Dutchman] I'm not cheap! I'm generous!
Squidward: You almost tore a man's arm off for a penny.
Mr. Krabs: [sarcastically] Thanks, Squidward. I knew I could count on you.

[SpongeBob washes ashore after wiping out]
Lifeguard: Hey, look. A cardboard box washed up on the beach.
[Looks through spyglass]
Lifeguard: Holy fish paste! It's a guy!
[Runs over]
Lifeguard: Why? Why? *Why?*
Sandy: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: I need... I need...
Lifeguard: What do you need, son?
SpongeBob: A tailor. Because I ripped my pants!
[Everyone leaves, disgusted]
Sandy: That wasn't funny, SpongeBob! Y'all had me worried sick!

[in a robotic Mr. Krabs]
Computer: Coin-operated self-destruct sequence activated. Five seconds till detonation.
Plankton: Coin-operated Self-destruct, not one of my better ideas.

Squidward: Shut your half-wit pieholes!

Narrator: No employee wants to be a Squidward.

SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick. We shouldn't disturb her anymore.
Patrick: That's not disturbing. This is disturbing.
[Makes a face from the folds in his back and makes it talk]
Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob. My name is PatBack.
SpongeBob: [Laugh] That is really disturbing.

Customer: [after eating the Krabby Patty with Jellyfish Jelly] Amazing! I've got to tell someone about this!
[singing]
Customer: Hey, all you people / Hey, all you people / Hey, all you people, won't you listen to me? / I just had a sandwich, no ordinary sandwich! / A sandwich filled with Jellyfish Jelly! / Hey man, you've got to try this sandwich / It's no ordinary sandwich / It's the tastiest sandwich in the sea!
[scats]

SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. As long as these pants are square, and this sponge is Bob, I will not let you down!
Mr. Krabs: [SpongeBob has hoisted him up] Uh, SpongeBob? Could you let me down?

[Squidward is asleep in bed. SpongeBob comes into his room, carrying Gary under one arm and pokes him on the nose]
SpongeBob: [whispering] Squidward? Squidward?
[Squidward opens his eyes and moans, not quite awake]
Squidward: Uh-huh?
SpongeBob: Squidward?
[Squidward mumbles sleepily]
SpongeBob: Squidward, could we stay here a couple of days or a month or two?
Squidward: [blearily, still half-asleep] Whatever.
[SpongeBob sets Gary down by Squidward's bed]
SpongeBob: Thanks! Thanks, Squidward!
[He gets into the octopus' bed beside him]
SpongeBob: Squidward, can you scoot over a little?
Squidward: [half-asleep] Oh, yeah, sure.
SpongeBob: Oh, while you're at it, can you get me a glass of water?
Squidward: [half-asleep] Okay. Oh, yeah, sure.
[He near-sleepwalks out of bed and goes to get a glass of water for SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Yeah, this is a real swell place you got here!
[Squidward comes back with the glass of water]
SpongeBob: Thanks, buddy!
[He takes the glass]
Squidward: [half-asleep] You're welcome.
[He gets back into bed]
SpongeBob: Yeah, I like sleepovers!
Squidward: [half-asleep] Yeah, me too.
SpongeBob: Yep, this is great. Good night, Squidward.
Squidward: [half-asleep] Good night, SpongeBob.
[Squidward fully wakes up as he realizes what he just said. His eyes snap open. He forces SpongeBob out of his house]
Squidward: Good night, SpongeBob.

Male: Ah, darn it! Now there's a line!
Plankton: [pops back up from getting run over and shakes his fist] Watch where you're goin', old man! This is the second time!
Male: I'm too old to wait in lines!
[reverses his car and runs Plankton over again]
Plankton: [tries to raise a Chum Nugget] Chum Nuggets. Get 'em before... my arm falls off.

Mr. Krabs: I've checked every headstone in this cemetery and there's no Smitty Wabbablahblah in here. Think, Mr. Krabs. Maybe something SpongeBob said will give you some type of clue.
SpongeBob: [in a thought balloon] Remember, licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets!
Mr. Krabs: No not that!
SpongeBob: [in another thought balloon] You'll never guess what I found in my sock last night! Go ahead, guess!
Mr. Krabs: No, no, no!
SpongeBob: It was his hat, Mr. Krabs, he was number one!
Mr. Krabs: [punches the thought balloon] Ah barnacles!, I'll never find...
[notices a tombstone with a number 1 that reads Smitty Weber Man Jensen]
Mr. Krabs: The grave!, am I really going to defile this grave for money?
[thinks for a moment]
Mr. Krabs: Of course I am!
[starts digging away]

SpongeBob: I think I'll just ask you two a couple of questions. Questions only the real Mr. Krabs could answer.
Mr. Krabs: Okay then.
SpongeBob: First question: what time does the Krusty Krab open?
Plankton: 9:30 AM.
SpongeBob: Right! That's one strike, Mr. Fake.
Mr. Krabs: But...
SpongeBob: Uh-uh! I'm running this quiz show, I'll ask the questions. If there's gonna be any "buts", they're gonna be from me. OK, question number two: How much does a Krabby Patty cost?
Mr. Krabs: $2.99!
SpongeBob: ...on Wednesday.
Plankton: 99 cents.
SpongeBob: Right again! You're starting to look pretty phony right about now. I'd be nervous if I were you. Now, only the really real Mr. Krabs could answer this: if we're discussing the secret formula on the third Wednesday in January and it's not raining outside after we've gargled with vanilla pudding, what do we do?
Mr. Krabs: That's an easy one! Let's see, if it's January, with vanilla pudding, we... uh, pass?

SpongeBob: Mystery got a belly ache from eating too many krabby patties, so I made her a bicarbonate of soda.

SpongeBob: Look, Gary, there I am!

Mr. Krabs: Win this for the Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: [running] For the Krusty Krab!
Plankton: Win this one because I told you to.
Patrick: [running] Because you told me to!

Squidward: [miserable] Yep, this is great... Might as well rename this town Squidward's Paradise... Or perhaps too much paradise...
[He rests his head on his hands]

Mr. Krabs: What's that smell in the air? I smell Plankton!
Plankton: [Puts on fake nose] Oh, yeah? Well, I smell... Phew, he's right.

Mermaid: That guy over there used to be the Atomic Flounder. I know he doesn't look like much now, but he could go back to crime
[snaps fingers]
Mermaid: just like that
[Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy chuckle; SpongeBob suddenly tackles the Atomic Flounder]
Atomic: Help, somebody there!
SpongeBob: You're under arrest, Atomic Flounder!
Mermaid: No, lad! Don't!
SpongeBob: But you said he could turn back to crime
[snaps fingers]
SpongeBob: like that.
Atomic: What? Get off me! If I weren't retired I'd... I'd... Roar!
[Breathes radiation on Barnacle Boy's face, burning it]
Atomic: ... do that.

Plankton: Krabs? SpongeBoob? W-w-w-why aren't you in Dullsville?
Mr. Krabs: We never left, Sheldon. The Mr. Krabs and SpongeBoob who followed the robot you to Dullsville were also robots.

Barnacle: Listen, big-nose, that guy has been saving your butt since before you were born! Don't you got a living legend discount or something?
Squidward: This is a restaurant, not a lending library. And who are you calling "big-nose", big-nose?

SpongeBob: Hail, O Swami of the Gnarly Pounders. We seek audience with thee.
Patrick: Plus we wanna talk to you.

Mr. Krabs: [SpongeBob is ready to finish for the day, points to Squidward holding a bag of trash] Take that pile of filth out with ya.
SpongeBob: [gasps] Mr. Krabs! You shouldn't talk about Squidward like that!

SpongeBob: I'm a-tryin', Sandy, I'm a-tryin'!

Patrick: Are you Squidward?
Squid: No
Patrick: [after a small pause] Are you Squidward now?

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Congratulations, sir! You have just given me my one-millionth dollar!
Sandals: Great. What do I win?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Nothing. Now get out.
Sandals: What?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Get out! Everybody get out! You're spoiling me moment!

SpongeBob: I call this one The Campfire Song Song.
SpongeBob: [singing] Let's gather round the campfire and sing our campfire song, out C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song and if you don't think that we can sing it faster than you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along
Patrick: [in Squidward's ear] Bum, bum, bum...
SpongeBob: [singing a bit faster] C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, and if you don't think we can sing it faster then you're wrong, but it'll help if you just sing along, C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song, Patrick
Patrick: [singing off key] SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E
SpongeBob: Squidward!
[Squidward stoically sits on the ground and refuses to sing along]
SpongeBob: Good!
[He changes his to the tune of a rock song]
SpongeBob: It'll help! It'll help! If you just sing along!
[He bounds off of a podium and smashes his guitar on the ground. Patrick slams a drum over SpongeBob, who bursts out of the drum, yelling]
SpongeBob: OH, YEAH!

SpongeBob: Well, it's no secret that the best thing about a secret is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby secretly adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets, secretly.

Plankton: Me too, hey you know what would really hit the spot? Why don't you whip up a couple of Krabby Patties.

Doctor: Well, it looks like your gluteus maximus has made a full recovery.
SpongeBob: My what has a what now?
Doctor: Your butt's all better. It's really quite amazing. It took 20 hours to put it all back together. We actually ran out of staples, so we had to use a glue stick. Yep, you're a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky luck boy. But next time I want you to be more careful. One more injury like that, and you could end up like that poor creature there, in the iron butt.
Tom: Oh, man. It itches.

[Mr. Krabs digs up Smitty's grave and takes his soda drinking hat from his skeleton, Smitty then wakes up]
Smitty: Hey, man, that's my hat. Give it back.
Mr. Krabs: What? No way. Just... crawl back into your hole, bone boy. Go ahead, play dead.
Smitty: I guess I'm gonna have to take it from you.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah right. You and what army?
[an army of skeletons surround them]
Smitty: Only the army of the living dead.
Mr. Krabs: Oh no! I've seen this on the late show. You ghoulish fiends hold me down and take turns nibbling on my innards, then you eat my brain and leave my body for the buzzards!
Smitty: That's disgusting. We just want the hat back.

SpongeBob: Squidward smells. Hmm, This one's not finished.
[writes on dumpster the word "good"]
SpongeBob: Squidward smells good!

Squidward: [to the beached Pearl] Pearl! Are you all right?
Pearl: Oh, Squidward! I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you!
Squidward: It's okay! Let's just get you out of here!
[He tries to pull on her legs, but she's too heavy. He's sent flying backwards. He tries pulling on her legs again but this time he ends up tearing his own arms off]
Squidward: Okay! Okay, just hold on a second!
[He darts off]
Pearl: Hold on? What are you...?
[His arms having grown back like nothing happened, Squidward puts the bicycle pump into Pearl's blowhole and pumps as fast as he can. Pearl inflates so much that she starts to float into the air. Squidward yanks the bicycle pump away from her blowhole. Pearl deflates quickly, and lands straight onto the back of Squidward's bike]

Patrick: You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you started acting like one.
SpongeBob: Yeah! Oh, but I'm not sure I know how.
Patrick: Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest.
[SpongeBob puffs out his chest]
Patrick: Now say, "tax exemption."
SpongeBob: Tax exemption.
Patrick: Now you must develop a taste for free-form jazz.
[Both listen intently to jazz music]
Patrick: Okay, you're ready.

SpongeBob: I've never seen so many mattresses in one place!
Patrick: I know.
SpongeBob: How many do you think their are?
Patrick: [long pause] Ten.

SpongeBob: Have you finished those errands?

SpongeBob: Would you like to hear one of my secrets?
Patrick: Do I?
SpongeBob: Let's see... uh, did you know that you're my best friend?
Patrick: No... way! Tell me another secret.
SpongeBob: Well, secretly, I'm a little bit naive.
Patrick: Wow! I'll never look at you the same way again.

SpongeBob: How about we help you?
Mermaid: No, that's a terrible idea! I've got it! How about *you* help *me*?

SpongeBob: I can do this. I've got Anchor Arms! I'm no wimp! I'm a jerk!

[Squidward is in bed, his house is shaking from Spongebob's loud music]
Squidward: Spongebob is the only guy I know who can have fun with a jellyfish... for TWELVE HOURS!

Squidward: I'm gonna die of hypothermia.
SpongeBob: Hippo-whatia? What's that mean?
Mr. Krabs: Means he's a big, fat, cry baby.

Mr. Krabs: Eat at the Krusty Krab, home of the original Krabby Patty! And remember, we change our grease monthly!

SpongeBob: You know all this preparation is sure making me hungry.

Patrick: 24.
[SpongeBob and Patrick giggle]
SpongeBob: [giggling] Hey Patrick, I just thought of something funnier than 24.
Patrick: Let me hear it.
SpongeBob: 25.
[both burst out laughing]

SpongeBob: What about it?

Karen: [about Plankton] I don't ever want to see that low life again as long as I live. Goodbye, you miserable little bug!
[Karen's screen shows a mouse picking up a Plankton icon and placing it in the recycling bin]
Mr. Krabs: Well, in the case, welcome aboard!
[puts a Krusty Krew hat on Karen's head]
Spongebob: All right!
Mr. Krabs: Yeehaw!
[They give each other high fives while Karen shows an annoyed face on her screen]

SpongeBob: Run, Mr. Krabs! Run like you're not in a coma!

SpongeBob: [accidentally creates a giant paint bubble] Barnacles! What could be worse than a giant paint bubble?
Patrick: Oh, I know!
[uses a bubble wand to blow another giant bubble]
Patrick: Two giant paint bubbles!
SpongeBob: No!
[the two bubbles merge]
SpongeBob: Patrick?
Patrick: Yeah, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I don't think this bubble can get much bigger!
Patrick: Nonsense!
[inflates the bubble with a bicycle pump]

Patrick: Boy, it was sure nice of Mr. Krabs to give me a job.
SpongeBob: And at $50 an hour, too. When I started working here, I had to pay Mr. Krabs $100 an hour.

Plankton: [yells] Lady, someone should put you in a box to drift in the river!
Elderly: [pauses, sadly] ... you're right.

SpongeBob: He's dropped the pencil. Now's our chance. On the count of three, we'll jump up and surprise him.
Patrick: Oh, boy! A surprise party! Is it his birthday?
[Suddenly DoodleBob bursts in and lifts SpongeBob over his head]
SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick! Do something!
Patrick: Happy birthday!
[DoodleBob tosses SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Aaah!
Patrick: [Gives DoodleBob a rock] Here's your present.
[DoodleBob hits Patrick over the head with rock]
Patrick: You're welcome.

[Squidward turns in his sleep and rests his right hand on Patrick's helmet. The suction cups stick to the helmet. Patrick sees them up close]
Patrick: Pardon my French, but... get this thing off me!

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward. You want me to cast out over here so you can watch me?
Squidward: How about you cast out over there so I can ignore you?

Squidward: [after Squidward goes too far pulling an April Fools prank on SpongeBob] Where's SpongeBob?
Patrick: He's in the house. He's impressed.
Squidward: With what?
Patrick: I don't know, but it must have been pretty good to make him cry like that.

Carson the Dude Guy: Uh, can I have some extra napkins, please?
SpongeBob: [imitating Carson] Oh, you want some extra napkins, please?
Carson the Dude Guy: Stop it! Stop imitating me!
[Carson tosses table over and runs out of the Krusty Krab]
Carson the Dude Guy: For the love of Neptune, shut your talented mouth!

Squidward: Thanks, but no thanks, Major Stupidity! You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me!

SpongeBob: Squidward, you're even more handsome now!

Plankton: Why did I ever install that nagging software?
Karen: Nagging software? I heard that!

Mr. Krabs: Wake up, boy! You're burning me money!

SpongeBob: [entering the bathroom] Patrick, is everything okay in here?
[hears Patrick whimpering and he then opens a stall and finds him sitting on a toilet with a paper bag over his head]
SpongeBob: What are you doing in there, Patrick?
Patrick: Wouldn't you like to know?
SpongeBob: And why is that bag on your head?
Patrick: Why? Oh, no reason. Except you gave me the ugly!
[removes the bag and points at his face, Spongebob then screams in terror]
Patrick: Well, what am I gonna do? I can't go out looking like this!
SpongeBob: Just remember what we talked about. There's power in pride!
Patrick: That may fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people, now look at me! I'm almost as ugly as you!
[his stinky breath reaches Spongebob and he gags and holds his nose in disgust]
Patrick: I always thought if I was as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I would do.
SpongeBob: Patrick.
Patrick: What's my mom gonna say?
SpongeBob: Patrick.
Patrick: Oh my gosh. If my sister finds out...
SpongeBob: Patrick.
Patrick: Oh, wait, I don't have a sister. If the bank...
SpongeBob: Patrick.
Patrick: Oh, maybe it's one thing if you have bad shoes, or even bad hair, but...
SpongeBob: PAAATRIIIIIIICCK!
[Patrick stops talking]
SpongeBob: You're not ugly, your breath stinks, really bad.
Patrick: Oh, what a relief.

[the trio climb onboard a ghostly pirate ship]
Squidward: Alright, who owns this crate?
[knocks on the cabin door]
Squidward: Come on out! I wanna file a complaint!
SpongeBob: [looks around] Doesn't this place seem familiar?
Patrick: I don't know. Why?
SpongeBob: I don't know, doesn't it just kinda ring a bell?
[Squidward repeatedly rings the doorbell by the cabin door]
Patrick: Yes!
SpongeBob: I know who owns this boat, but I just can't place the name.
[He passes by a barrel labelled "property of the Flying Dutchman". Squidward angrily pounds on the cabin door until the Flying Dutchman suddenly bursts out]
Flying: [roaring] Aaargh-oowh-waagh!
SpongeBob: No, no, it's not
[imitating him]
SpongeBob: "Aaargh-oowh-waagh!"
Flying: I am the Flying Dutchman!
SpongeBob: That's it! Squidward, this ship belongs to the Red Baron!

Patrick: [after Sandy gets on the bus and leaves to go to Texas] Who cares about dumb ole Texas?
Sandy: [the bus suddenly drives backward and drops an irritated Sandy off] What did you say?
Patrick: [sadly] Texas is dumb.

SpongeBob: Psst, Gary.
[SpongeBob enters the living room and has absorbed all the bath water into his body]
SpongeBob: Bath delivery!
[he spits the water towards Gary and hits the armchair instead as Gary runs away]
SpongeBob: Come back, Gary. I have something to *chair* with you.
[he spits the water again but hits a stack of dirty dishes, inadvertently cleaning them]
SpongeBob: *Dish* is more like it.
[he continues spitting the water towards Gary but keeps missing as he keeps running away]
SpongeBob: *Water* you waiting for, Gary!

SpongeBob: You know, Patrick, since this scallop doesn't have parents, we should raise it ourselves.
Patrick: Yeah, at least until it's old enough to be on it's own. Oh, I want to be the mom!
SpongeBob: I don't think you can be the mom, Patrick, because you never wear a shirt.
Patrick: [thinks for a moment] You're right, if I was a mom...
[shows a closeup of his body showing he's really fat and hairy]
Patrick: ... this would be kind of shocking.
[raises his arms in excitement showing his hairy armpits]
Patrick: Just call me daddy!

Patrick: Hey! Who turned the heavy back on?

King: [seeing a prophecy on a stained glass window] How long has that been there?

SpongeBob: This helmet looks impressive. What's it do?
Sandy: That's my peanut radio helmet. It lets you talk to peanuts. But what good is that?
SpongeBob: [Takes a peanut out of his pocket] SpongeBob to peanut. Come in, peanut.
Patrick: What's it saying?
SpongeBob: It says, "It's dark in here."

Injured: I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms, at night I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Ah, nothing like a happy ending.
[whipping sounds in background]

Squidward: This is our worst gig yet! Children's parties! Well, if this is the way this tour is being organized, then I would like to-
[He suddenly screams in pain. He turns around and finds that a child has pinned a tail onto his behind]
Squidward: I am not a donkeyfish!

Tough: Hey, I was in front of you.
Big: No, you weren't.
Tough: You callin' me a liar?
Big: I ain't callin' ya for dinner!

SpongeBob: He's right, Squidward, Seabears are all too real. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's *cousin*...
Squidward: YOU'RE RIGHT!

SpongeBob: [screaming] Gary, there's a bomb strapped to my chest! It's gonna explode in three seconds unless you take a bath!
[pause]
SpongeBob: Pleeease.
[explodes]

Patrick: [Throwing a fit] I DEMAND THAT YOU HONOR MY COUPON!

[SpongeBob falls down the stairs into the living room]
Gary: [apathetically] Meow...
SpongeBob: [gasps in anger] Gary! Squidward is not a freeloader, and he would never take advantage of me!
Narrator: Three weeks later...
SpongeBob: [exhausted] He's just having a hard time getting his confidence back.
[falls down]
Narrator: Many months later...
SpongeBob: [totally exhausted] I'm sure he's close to a breakthrough.
[falls down again]
New: So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one.
[SpongeBob crawls into the living room now exhausted than ever]
Gary: [reproachfully] Meow, meow, meow!
SpongeBob: [furious] I know he's still isn't looking for work! Don't rub it in!

Squidward: Oh calm down, calm down. Alright what was it? There was... the lights
[lights flicker]
Squidward: and the phone
[phone rings]
Squidward: and...
[walls start 'oozing green slime']
Squidward: The walls will ooze green slime? Oh, wait, they always do that.

Flying: [talking in his sleep, snoring] I'm the Flying Dutchman, I'm the Flying Dutchman.
[here's a noise outside]
Flying: Who DARES wake the Flying Dutchman?

Squidward: SpongeBob, if I were trapped in the bottom of a well for three years, and had nothing to eat but that Krabby Patty, I'd eat my own legs first. And not just the extra ones.
SpongeBob: But it's good for you!
Squidward: Good for you? That thing is a heart attack on a bun!
SpongeBob: No, Squidward. I meant... good for your soul.
[Celestial light shines on SpongeBob, who has wings and a halo]
Squidward: Oh, pluh-lease. I have no soul.
[Fire appears behind Squidward, accompanied by sinister laughter. Squidward notices the sinister laughter and looks apprehensive]

Plankton: Holographic meatloaf... my favorite!

Squidward: I spent the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because you were supposed to explode!
SpongeBob: You want me to explode?
Squidward: Yes! That's what I've been waiting for!
SpongeBob: Uh, okay, I'll try. Nnggg... GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!
[laughs]
SpongeBob: Now it's your turn.
Squidward: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT YOU BARNACLE HEAD!
SpongeBob: [clapping] Ooh, good one.
Squidward: No! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces!
SpongeBob: Why would I do that?
Squidward: Because the pie you ate was a bomb!
SpongeBob: What pie?
Squidward: The pie I left on the counter this morning, that I bought from pirates for twenty-five bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it! THAT pie!
SpongeBob: Pie... Oh! You mean this pie!
[takes the pie-bomb out of his pocket]
SpongeBob: I was saving it in my pocket, for us to share. Let's eat!
[he trips on a pebble, the pie flies into Squidward's face and explodes]
Squidward: Ow.

SpongeBob: Nah, I'm kind of in the mood for tacos.

Mr. Krabs: And no falling asleep on the job. That means you, Squidward.
Squidward: What? I have never fallen asleep on duty!
Mr. Krabs: Don't make me have a flashback.
[Montage of Squidward sleeping on the job]
Squidward: All right, point taken.

[SpongeBob has shaped himself in the form of Texas to irritate Sandy]
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick. What am I?
Patrick: Stupid?
SpongeBob: No, I'm Texas.
Patrick: What's the difference?

News: [offscreen] And now, absolute silence.

Plankton: Hello, little boy, would you like a Chum Burger?
Boy: Uh... does it come in raspberry?
Plankton: Eh, no.
Boy: Blueberry?
Plankton: No.
Boy: Ummmmmmmm... raspberry?
Plankton: Aw, come on, kid, you asked me that already! Now quit wasting my time!

SpongeBob: Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?
Patrick: Not since I saw my first triple-layer cheesecake.

ManRay: You mean, if I was good, then you'd let me go?
SpongeBob: Yeah, sure, why not?
ManRay: Then, uh, in that case... I am good.
SpongeBob: Really?
ManRay: Yes, really.
SpongeBob: Really, really?
ManRay: Yes, yes, really, really!
SpongeBob: Really, really, really?
ManRay: Yes, yes, already! I'm good! I'm good! Now let me out of here or you'll suffer dire consequences!
SpongeBob: Well, that's good enough for me.
[unfreezes ManRay]

SpongeBob: Bubble Buddy's thirsty.
Squidward: How about a glass of our finest shampoo?
[laughs]
SpongeBob: Sounds great.
[Squidward stops laughing and goes to get the shampoo]
Squidward: Here's your hair product, sir.
SpongeBob: Bubble Buddy likes bendy straws.
[Squidward bends the straw with repressed rage]
SpongeBob: Huh, what's that? Bubble Buddy says it tastes funny. What do you think?
Squidward: Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [chews the food for an elderly custormer] Think of the customer.
Squidward: [Tastes shampoo] Oh, silly me. I brought the diet shampoo.

Mermaid: Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy UNITE!

Squidward: I'm out of here!

Pink: Remind me to make my agent walk the plank.

SpongeBob: How'd I do?
Sergeant: How'd you do? Why don't you ask the shattered remains of this pedestrian... *how you did*?

Plankton: Why don't we just destroy him and get it over with?
Squidward: Here, here.
Patrick: You leave my best friend alone!
Plankton,19073: It was just a suggestion!

Squidward: SpongeBob? Oh Neptune, what have I done?
[looks on the ground and sees the syringe that injected SpongeBob]
Squidward: It's all your fault!
[throws it away]
Squidward: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Get it together, Squidward.

Squidward: I know it's a stupid question, but is there any ice cream left?
Sandy: Oh, eesh... Sorry, we're all out.
Squidward: [outraged] You ate it all? You animals!
[He grabs an empty tub]
Squidward: You didn't even leave me one drop? There's gotta be some left in here!
[He sobs hysterically. SpongeBob, Patrick and Sandy leave SpongeBob's house]
Sandy: Now let the real experiment begin.
[She tears off the cover of SpongeBob's house, which is revealed to be a giant cage]
Squidward: Come on... in my mouth!
[the three study Squidward, who sobs and bawls]

Squidward: Will you please stop leaving your undergarments on my front lawn?

Patrick: [with bad breath] I'm all out of soap. Can I borrow some of...
Fish: Stay back!
Patrick: But I just wanna...
Fish: Here! Here's my money! Just take it and go!
[he runs off leaving his money behind]
Patrick: My hands aren't *that* dirty.

SpongeBob: A one. A two. A skiddly-diddly-doo.

Squidward: It's entirely too cold in here! You have to turn up the thermostat!
Mr. Krabs: [Points to thermostat, which has a sticker reading 62 over the display] The thermostat stays at 62 degrees.
Squidward: There are icicles on the ceiling!
Mr. Krabs: I don't care if Santy Claus and Jack Frost are having ice cream cones. Don't... Touch... The thermostat!

Sandy: Hey, SpongeBob. Whatcha doing? Are you having a garage sale?
SpongeBob: No. I'm giving up my material possessions to live a more natural life among the jellyfish.
Sandy: SpongeBob, Of all the crazy schemes. Why do you want to live with jellyfish? They're cold and mean and none too bright.
SpongeBob: Oh, Sandy. That is exactly the kind of response I expect from someone who lives the sham of a life I once led. I'm going to prove I don't need any of this stuff to be happy. Maybe someday you'll wise up and join me. Goodbye.
[Takes off pants]
SpongeBob: I won't be needing this.
[Runs off naked, buzzing]
Squidward: He took off his pants.
Sandy: I'll give him a week.
Squidward: I'll give him eleven minutes.
[They both leave; Patrick stays behind]
Patrick: [Crying] Patrick sad!

Narrator: [Opening line; as the camera pan over the live-action houses from the air] And now, direct from Encino, America's favorite pirate and president of the SpongeBob SquarePants fan club...
Narrator: [as the red "Patchy" appears in a angle in front of his house] Patchy the Pirate.

Sandy: Patrick, SpongeBob needs to see a real doctor.
Patrick: No he doesn't! I'm taking good care of him! Show her, SpongeBob. Say "aah."
SpongeBob: Aah.
[SpongeBob's bad breath dries out the landscape and knocks out some scallops]
Sandy: See? He's worse than I thought.
Patrick: [Has a clothespin on his nose] What do you mean? He's fine.

[SpongeBob is covering up Mr. Krabs' damaged first dollar by hanging on the wall]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what are you doing?
SpongeBob: Oh, you know, just hanging around.
Patrick: [giving a thumbs down] Boo!

[Mermaid Man is talking about his super hero costume]
Mermaid: Power's all in the costume! Why else would we run around in colored undies?
[pulls on his costume's "underwear" and snaps it]
Squidward: [grinning mischievously] I can think of three good reasons.

Customer: Hey, I just got my license.
SpongeBob: Hey, I'm getting mine next.
Customer: Hey, I doubt it.

Mrs. Poppy Puff: Tell us about yourself, Flatts.
Flatts: Well, I like to kick people's butts.
Mrs. Poppy Puff: [Laughs] What a card.

Squidward: Here! One pie, fresh out of the oven. I'll be getting back to my life now.

SpongeBob: But at least it's warm around the fire.
Patrick: Hey, if we're under water, how can there be a...
[Fire goes out]
Patrick: I'm scared, SpongeBob.

Real: What kind of fool do you take me for? He's Squidward, he's Squidward, YOU'RE Squidward? I'M SQUIDWARD! Are they any other Squidwards I should know about?

Narrator: Halloween is no different under the waves. Pirates, skeletons, and sea monsters!
[laughs maniacally]
Narrator: Oh, sorry.

Squidward: Were you dropped on your head when you were a baby?
SpongeBob: Huh! How did you know?

SpongeBob: I bought one!
Mr. Krabs: Holy shrimp! Why would you do that to yourself?

Squidward: Hello, Animal Control? Save me!

Patrick: [seeing a big spinning-heart ride] Heart on stick must die!
[he attempts to pull it out of the ground, unsuccessfully. He spots a little girl with a heart-shaped lollypop]
Patrick: Heart on stick must die!
[he eats the lollypop]

SpongeBob: [flying in the sky] Look I can see the Krusty Krab.
[Mrs. Puff flies in out of nowhere]
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff look I finally got my Drivers License.
Mrs. Poppy Puff: [takes the License away from SpongeBob and rips it up] Not even in your dreams Mr. SquarePants!
SpongeBob: Noooooooooo!
[Mrs. Puff flies away and SpongeBob flies out his dream cloud and into the real world]

SpongeBob: [as Squidward returns home from the emergency hospital] Welcome home, Squidward!
Patrick: Merry Christmas!
SpongeBob: We're gonna make this your best day ever!
[Squidward turns his wheelchair around back out to the door, but then Spongebob wheels him back in the Tiki to a table where Patrick serves a bowl of hot soup]
SpongeBob: Well, your best day's sure not going to be out there.
Patrick: [excitedly] How about some soup on your best day ever?
[Squidward madly looks at the soup and sees condensed Alphabet Soup letters spelling out, "Best Day Ever" Patrick holds up a spoon, scooping the soup, but then blows the steaming hot soup. Squidward refuses to eat the soup]
Patrick: . Here we go! Oh, it's a little hot.
SpongeBob: [pulls the bowl away] I don't think soup is the best thing for him on his best day ever.

[the Seabear attacked Squidward]
SpongeBob: Squidward, are you okay?
Squidward: [battered from the attack] No.
SpongeBob: Quick, jump inside our anti-Seabear circle before he comes back!
Patrick: Yeah, Seabears often attack more than once!
Squidward: Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster! I'm running for my life!
[runs off]
SpongeBob: No!
[the Seabear returns and attacks Squidward again]
SpongeBob: Don't run! Seabears hate that!
Squidward: Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then.
SpongeBob: No!
[the Seabear returns yet again and attacks Squidward]
SpongeBob: They hate limping more than running!
Squidward: Well, I guess I'll just have...
[the Seabear suddenly returns yet again and attacks Squidward further]
SpongeBob: I should have warned you about crawling!

Squidward: [gasps in disgust and swats the newspaper away] GET THAT AWAY FROM ME! YOU KNOW IM ALLERGIC TO NEWSPRINT!

Mr. Krabs: Look at him suffer! Ha ha ha ha!
News: We interrupt your laughter at other people's expense to bring you this news flash!

Squidward: I can't believe anybody would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.
Patrick: Like a genie!

Patrick: What's the number before one?
Plankton: Zero.
Patrick: Yeah! Congratulations, you got zero customers!

SpongeBob: [Watching a machine making Krabby Patties] Where's the love?

Plankton: SpongeBob what do you want?
SpongeBob: Well it's just that it's Tuesday again sir and i was wondering if i can have my weekly performance review.
Plankton: Review?
SpongeBob: Oh yes please sir please!
Plankton: But i've never reviewed anything. Except those foreign exercise videos my cousin sent me.

Sandy: This dome is made of the strongest polyurethane. That's just a fancy word for plastic. Ain't that just the bee's knees?

Mr. Krabs: [singing] Money, money, gonna make some money.

Squidward: Forget the stupid comic! We've got a situation here! We don't have any Krabby Patties, and these animals are trying to eat us instead!
[a customer eats Squidward's hand. Squidward is stunned, then looks at the stump where his hand had been]
Squidward: Hey, who's responsible for this?
[the old lady slurps the hand like a piece of spaghetti and picks her teeth]

Plankton: SpongeBob, don't let that guy sit on you. Assertiveness lesson number one: tell that guy to get off.
SpongeBob: Excuse me. You're sitting on my body, which is also my face.
Plankton: No, no! Be assertive!
SpongeBob: [sticks his finger on the guy's pocket] Beep-beep.
Plankton: Not insertive!

The: OK Krabs, I'll let you stay. But first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between Spongebob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take?
Mr. Krabs: That depends. How much money we talking about?
SpongeBob: Mr Krabs?
The: 62 cents.
Mr. Krabs: I'll take the money.
SpongeBob: Mr Krabs!

Squidward: [after being saved by SpongeBob] Ow, my cranium...

Plankton: I'd like you to meet my computer wife, Karen.
[Wolf whistles and gasps of awe come from Plankton's family]
Clem: Golly, she sure is purty, Sheldon.
Karen: "Sheldon"?
Plankton: Yes, that's my first name.
[Karen bursts out laughing]

Patrick: Squidward, I don't like crusts on my sandwich.
Squidward: It's a bun Patrick. It's all crusts. How I am supposed to cut the crusts off a bun?
Patrick: Peel it!
[Squidward does so]

Fred: Thank you, SpongeBob. If it wasn't for you, I never would have made it back to my angel goddess.
SpongeBob: Oh, don't thank me, Fred. YOUR LEG did all the heavy lifting.

[Squidward drags Patrick out of his house, but because he's so heavy, the octopus throws out his back]
Squidward: Oh-h, oh, my back! Agh, I threw out my back!
SpongeBob: Oh, boy! Now's my chance!
[He jumps out the window and starts running towards Squidward]
Squidward: SpongeBob! No, no, stay back!
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward! I'm coming!
Squidward: No! No, g-get away from me!
SpongeBob: Hang on! I'll save you!
[He tears off his clothes to reveal red swimming pants underneath. Squidward starts shuffling towards his house]
Squidward: No! No, no, no. Get away from me. No, no.
[SpongeBob jumps onto a diving board and springs into the air, launching himself at Squidward]
SpongeBob: Hold on!
Squidward: No! No! Get away!
[He yells. SpongeBob bounces off of Squidward's rear]
Squidward: Ow! Oh, I'm ruined! I-I'm-I'm... I feel... great. Thanks, SpongeBob! You're a real friend.
[SpongeBob beams broadly]
SpongeBob: Friend...
Squidward: Oh, no, no, I didn't mean that, no, no.

Sandy: [Leadind a search for SpongeBob] Status report!
Male: [Covered in sea urchins] He's not in the poison sea urchin beds.
Sandy: Well, look again!
Female: [Covered in leeches] He's not in the leech farm.
Sandy: Well, look again!
Squidward: He's not in my thoughts.
Sandy: Well, think again!

SpongeBob: [kneeling on floor] Please teach me! I want to learn at the feet of the master!
Jim: Now THAT'S the way to grovel. I'll do it!

SpongeBob: [jumps onto a moving car] Am I ugly?
[the stench of SpongeBob's breath reaches the driver]
Driver: MY EYES! MY EYES!

SpongeBob: [Gasp!] Sabotage!

Squidward: My wish is that the people of Bikini Bottom will stop paying any attention to the inane drivel that is constantly streaming out of this dunderhead's mouth.
SpongeBob: Gee, Squidward, maybe Santa will bring me a dictionary so I can understand what you just said.

SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab Pizza! Is the Pizza! For you and me!

SpongeBob: [mimicking the French Narrator] Eighty thousand impressions later...
French: Would you please stop imitating me? It is starting to get very annoying.

Mr. Krabs: Spongebob! Who's playing Squidward's records again?

Plankton: [poking SpongeBob to make him stop saying "Soiled it"] Where's the off button on this thing?

SpongeBob: [to Plankton, who is in disguise in front of a magic shop] Have you seen a Krabby Patty? It's about this tall, and... Wow, a magic shop! Are you a magician? One time, I saw a magician, and he did this thing, and then... well, anyway, he said that if you believe in yourself, and with a tiny pinch of magic, all your dreams can come true.
Plankton: Augh! I can't take it!
SpongeBob: Plankton! It's you!
Plankton: Yes, and after all these years, I thought I was the master of torture. But that! That just wasn't fair!

Squidward: I don't see the point of this game night. Every game that Patrick has "invented" is more pointless and boring than the last.
Sandy: This time he did research.
Squidward: We haven't started and I'm already bored.

Squidward: Wake me up when I care.

SpongeBob: [singing] Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song/Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E song/And if you don't think that we can sing faster then you're wrong/But it'll help if you just sing along.

Customer: [Patrick is taking the phone calls at Krusty Krabs and the phone rings] Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: No, this is Patrick.
[hangs up]
Customer: [phone rings again] Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: [angry] No, this is Patrick.
[hangs up]
Customer: [phone rings again] Is this the Krusty Krab?
Patrick: [shouts] NO! This is Patrick!
[hangs up]
Patrick: [to himself and folds arms] I'm not a Krusty Krab.
SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.
Patrick: Huh? Ah, fish paste!

SpongeBob: I'm not good enough to cook in Atlantis, Patrick. I should've never taken the challenge.
Patrick: Don't give up on your dream SpongeBob, people used to tell me: "Patrick you'll never amount to anything, you'll always have your head in the clouds." Well, just look at me now!
[points at his face on his butt]
Patrick: [the bell rings] Go get em tiger!

Squidward: What do you want, can't you see that I'm busy?
Patrick,25819: Step outside, we've got something for you to see!
Squidward: Spongebob, take this stuff down immediately
Patrick,25819: Chestnuts roasting and burns in the third degree

Mr. Krabs: Wait! Don't shoot! Okay, okay, shoot me, but don't take me money!

SpongeBob: Wow, a parade! Hi, parade! Hi, tuba player! Hi, drummer! Hi, guy with the cymbals! Hi, trumpeter! Hi, tambourine girl! Hi, timbale man! Hi, didgeridoo player! Hi, triangle player! Hi, guy with the kettle drum! Hi, pianist! Hi, guy with the flute! And helloooooooo, Dolly!

SpongeBob: [after a rough day in Jellyfish fields, a depressed and naked SpongeBob goes back to Bikini Bottom; repeated line; dolefully] Buzz, buzz...

Squidward: Why don't you tell me all of the things I shouldn't do if I want to keep the sea bears away?
SpongeBob: Okay, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet.
Squidward: Okay, then what?
SpongeBob: Never wave your flashlight back and forth really fast.
Patrick: Flashlights are their natural prey.
Squidward: You're kidding.
SpongeBob: Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge.
Patrick: Yeah.
Squidward: Go on.
SpongeBob: Don't ever eat cheese.
Squidward: Cubed or sliced?
[SpongeBob and Patrick whisper among each other briefly]
SpongeBob: Cubed; sliced is fine.
Squidward: Yeah, yeah, and?
SpongeBob: Never wear a sombrero...
Patrick: In a goofy fashion!
SpongeBob: Or clown shoes.
Patrick: Or a hoop skirt.
SpongeBob: And never...
Patrick: ...ever...
SpongeBob: ...EVER...
SpongeBob,11838: ...SCREECH LIKE A CHIMPANZEE!
Squidward: Wow! It's amazing how many things can set a sea bear off.
SpongeBob,11838: They're horrible!

Squidward: Heaven at last...
[while looking around in wonder, Squidward crashes into a man walking in the other direction]
Man: I've seem more alert people in a retirement home!
Squidward: Oh, which way to the living room on a brain seminar? Don't be late!
Man: I've heard better comebacks from a turkey sandwich.
[He storms off]
Man: Get a life!
[Squidward narrows his eyes at the man, then smiles ecstatically]
Squidward: This place is better than I expected!

SpongeBob: I'll tell you what half-pint, why don't you ask me later.

Squidward: [speaking into the walkie-talkie in his normal voice] Oh, PapaBob...
[He realizes his voice is wrong and clears his throat]
Squidward: No, no.
[He clears his throat once more and speaks in a Grumbles Grizzly voice]
Squidward: Oh, PapaBob...

SpongeBob: [throwing a tantrum] I don't wanna grow up! I want cookies! And milkie! I want a sweater with love in the stitches! I wanna wear diadeys! I wanna ride in my wagon! I wanna cuddle-wuddle with Mr. Stuffykins! I wanna rocky-rock on my seahorsey! And I want kissy-kissy on MY boo-boo!
[throws himself down on his grandma's floor and sobs]

Mr. Krabs: Am I really going to defile a grave for money? Of course I am.

Squidward: [when the jellyfish corner him in his house] Uh, wait, I can turn it down.

Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for SpongeBob! Hip-hip...
Crowd: Hooray!
Squidward: [unenthusiastic] Hooray.
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Hooray!
Squidward: Whoop-dee-doo.
Mr. Krabs: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Hooray!
Squidward: Oh, Boy...
SpongeBob: And three cheers for the fry cook who took my place while I was gone: Squidward. Hip-hip...
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob: Hip-hip...
Crowd: Boo!
SpongeBob: Hip-hip...
Deep: Boo! You stink!

SpongeBob: [waiting for the bus] Getting hungry. Glove candy dispenser! Good thing I went to Glove World.
[takes candy from dispenser, then spits it out]
SpongeBob: Eww! Glove-flavored.

Larry the Lobster: You know, SpongeBob, the babes and the big chair are great, but the best part is knowing that you're the only thing standing between these good people and a watery grave. That's what it's all about. Their lives are in your hands now, 'cause I have a date with the tanning booth. So long.
[he leaves]
SpongeBob: But... I can't swim. If only I had known that being a lifeguard meant guarding their lives, I would never have said yes.

SpongeBob: I saw it! It was big, it was all wiggly, and it ate EVERYTHING!
Patrick: That's horrible!
[eats everything on his tray]
SpongeBob: It was an Alaskan bull worm!

Patrick: Take that, Yellow Boy!
SpongeBob: Laugh it up, Pinky. It's not over yet!
Patrick: That's what you think, but it's not over yet!

SpongeBob: Why are you here to rescue little old me?
Barnacle: Pipe Down! You're gonna wake Mermaid Man and he's ornery when his nap is disturbed.
SpongeBob: Ever alert Mermaid Man has trained himself to sleep with his eyes open.
Barnacle: Con funded! Get away from him!
Mermaid: Stop shouting i'm napping!
Barnacle: It's not me you old coot!

[as Squidward floats up to the surface in a bubble]
SpongeBob: He's on the other side now.
Patrick: Yeah. He's in a better place.
[Squidward sits in the bubble, surrounded by flocks of seagulls, and moans in distress]

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Please give me a chance. I'll prove to you that I'm fry cook material. Just ask Squidward, he'll vouch for me.
[Mr. Krabs and Squidward step aside to confer]
Squidward: [Deep inhale] No.

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [eyes mangled] You you can't do that to me. I'm you're boss!

Mr. Krabs: [SpongeBob and Squidward approach him with angry looks on their faces] Oh, hello, boys, what can I do for you?
[SpongeBob and Squidward shut the door and lock it]
Mr. Krabs: Heh, heh, why did you lock the door?
[nervously]
Mr. Krabs: Why do you have that rope? Who's watching the cash register?
[SpongeBob and Squidward attack him and tie him to a chair]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob!, Squidward! What is the meaning of this? Untie me this instant!
Squidward: [slaps him] Shut up!
Mr. Krabs: Sweet Davy Jones! What the heck is going on?
Squidward: I said, shut up, you bucket of bolts!
[slaps him again]
SpongeBob: I can't take it!
[runs off crying]
Squidward: SpongeBob, are you okay?
SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, seeing you slap Mr. Krabs like that is just too horrible to watch!
Squidward: No, that's not Mr. Krabs, that's Robot Krabs!
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.
Squidward: And the only way to deal with these robot types is to find out what they know.
SpongeBob: Right.
[walks up to Mr. Krabs and slaps him]
Squidward: SpongeBob, you got to ask him a question first.
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah.
[to Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob: What color is my underwear?
[slaps him again]

SpongeBob: Have you forgotten what we are looking for KNEE-DEEP IN YESTERDAY'S TOP FORTY SONGS?

[SpongeBob commenting on Patrick's disgusting breath]
SpongeBob: Ah! Barnacles, Patrick. What did you eat?
Patrick: Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza...
SpongeBob: No, I just meant just this morning.
Patrick: Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza...
SpongeBob: What else?
Patrick: Well, I had some of your sundae.
SpongeBob: [realizes] Sundae...
[whips out what's left of it]
SpongeBob: Patrick! My sundae gave us rancid breath!
Patrick: Whatcha mean?
SpongeBob: [coughs] I mean, we're not ugly, we just stink!

[Squidward is worrying about impressing a classmate]
Squidward: [to himself] Don't be intimidated. Picture him in his underwear.
[pictures Squilliam in his underwear - he is extremely muscular]
Squidward: Oh, no, he's hot!

Plankton: What is he doing? Those tears? And the show tunes? Why isn't he making the patties? Forget it! I'm going with Plan B. I'm putting his brain on the robot chef.
Computer: You know that never works. The answer is simple. To get to the SpongeBob, you must show him compassion and understanding. Then he'll give you what you want.
Plankton: Will you be quiet? I'm thinking. I've got it! To get to the SpongeBob, I'll show him compassion and understanding. Then he'll give me what I want.

Patrick: [while he and Spongebob run from Sandy trying to lasso them] Can we say that shoes from Texas are dumb?

SpongeBob: [inspecting Bubble Buddy's patty] Oh, no, Squidward! Wait! There's cheese on these patties!
Squidward: And?
SpongeBob: Bubble Buddy's lactose intolerant!
[Squidward furrows his brow in bewilderment. The little wheels turn in his head as he tries to comprehend how he's just heard something that stupid]
SpongeBob: He can't eat cheese! What should we do?
Squidward: We? How about you take these patties and sh...
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Mr. Squidward!
[Squidward sullenly walks off with the patties to make a fresh batch]

Doctor: Therefore, a shot of snail plasma must be carefully administered.
[gives both the syringe and Gary to SpongeBob]
Doctor: Here you go.
SpongeBob: Aren't you gonna do it?
Doctor: Oh, no, no no no no no no no no. I'm too squeamish.
[he leaves]
Squidward: Uh, hang on, Doc, let me help you with your back there.

Patrick: Heart on stick - must die!

Flying: [trying to scare a kid fish] Booooo! Prepare to be burdened with the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates!
SpongeBob: [pans to a kelp shrub, then SpongeBob peaks out] Was that the signal? Sorry, sorry, just do it again.
Flying: ...with the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates!
[SpongeBob and Patrick come out of the shrub making ghoulish noises and SpongeBob does a hand trick]
Patrick: [in a ghoulish voice] How does he do thaaaat?
[SpongeBob and Patrick continue ghoulish noises]
Flying: Get back on the ship.
SpongeBob,11838: [in a ghoulish voice and backing away] It's still a mystery.
Kid: Those guys are dorks.
Flying: Yes, but they're my dorks.

[talking about wild horse he found]
SpongeBob: She seems mysterious, so I'll call her Mystery. Come to think of it, she also seems graceful and majestic. Maybe I should call her Grace, or Majesty, or Debbie.

[Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob are going on a luxury cruise together, and Mr. Krabs is taking the secret formula with him for safety, which frustrates Plankton]
Plankton: Karen, we are going on a luxury cruise!
Karen: A cruise, just the two of us? Oh, Plankton!
[She cries out of joy but soon stops]
Karen: Hey, if this is another scheme to steal the secret formula, you can leave me home!
Plankton: No, of course not! Just think of it as our second honeymoon.
Karen: Don't you have to have a first honeymoon before you embark on a second?
Plankton: Why don't I bump those vacation settings up a smidge?
[Plankton turns up a vacation dial on Karen's settings]
Karen: Oh, Plankton, this second honeymoon is gonna be so great!
Plankton: [pulling out a big suitcase] Yeah, it's going to be groovy, babe. Now a quick check of the vacation inventory. Suntan lotion, sunglass, death laser...
Karen: Got it!
[fires the death laser, splitting Plankton's suitcase in half]
Karen: Did you see the pretty laser, honey?
Plankton: See it? It almost split me in half!
Karen: Whoops, sorry! I'm just so excited about our cruise!
[she raves about the cruise while Plankton turns down the vacation dial]
Plankton: Gotta rethink that vacation algorithm when we get back.

SpongeBob: Hey Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: What is it boy?
SpongeBob: Squidward just told me a hilarious joke and i thought you might like to hear it.
Mr. Krabs: Is it true Squidward? Is it hilarious?
Squidward: Um yeah sure.
Mr. Krabs: Well let's hear it lad.
SpongeBob: Okay here it goes. Um how did it go Squidward?
Squidward: Um it went um let's see ah Why couldn't the eleven year old get into the new pirate movie?
Mr. Krabs: Why?
Squidward: It was rated Arr!
[laughs]
Squidward: Arr! Because it's about pirates.
Mr. Krabs: I'm not paying you to do stand up Mr. Squidward! Now get back to work!

SpongeBob: [angry] When I need a JOB done I get someone with a JOB to do that JOB!
Squidward: What are you saying?

[inside SpongeBob's mind.]
SpongeBob: Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for?
SpongeBob: You don't pay me. You don't even exist. We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought.
SpongeBob: One more crack like that and you're outta here!
SpongeBob: NO, PLEASE! I HAVE THREE KIDS!

Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there, lads! Up a bit late to be playin' pirate, aren't ye?

Squidward: Alright, listen up. Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in twenty minutes. Therefore, we need to turn the Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible.
[Patrick appears with an army hat]
Squidward: Patrick, what are you doing here?
Patrick: I thought the Corps would help me straighten out my life, sir!
Squidward: The Corps? What the... Pat, this isn't the... oh!

SpongeBob: I AM SPONGEBOB, DESTROYER OF EVIL!
Patrick: Take it easy, it's just a drawing.

ManRay: The belt is gone but I still feel its tickle. The urge to do bad is gone!
[sighs, walks up to bank teller]
ManRay: I think I'll just open a checking account.

SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward!
Squidward: What?
SpongeBob: I'm ready, Squidward!
Squidward: Ready to move?
SpongeBob: No, ready to get my boating license.

[SpongeBob walks up to Squidward, who is asleep on his feet behind the counter]
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward!
[Squidward wakes with a start]
Squidward: Ahh! Who? What? Where? What? How?
SpongeBob: Notice anything different about me today, Squidward? Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh?... Huh, huh, huh?
Squidward: Nnnnope.
SpongeBob: I'm wearing a wig.
Squidward: [sarcastically] Oh yeah, how could I have missed it?

SpongeBob: I'm every bit as good as Larry, and if I'm not, then may I be struck by...
[rumble of thunder]
SpongeBob: ...a flying ice cream truck.
[a shadow forms over SpongeBob; chimes play]
SpongeBob: And live!
[the flying ice cream truck stops short of crushing Spongebob]
Larry the Lobster: [on megaphone] Please do not land flying ice cream trucks on the bathers.

Mr. Krabs: [Attempting to convince SpongeBob to give him a hat] I didn't want to tell you this in front of Patrick, but that hat makes you look like a girl.
SpongeBob: Am I a pretty girl?
Mr. Krabs: Well... yes, you're... you're beautiful.
[Mailman passing by stares at Mr. Krabs in disgust]

Plankton: Alone, we are powerless, but together, the Plankton family can be a real pain in the fanny. Maybe Krabs can handle one Plankton, but let's see him take on two, or ten, or a hundred, or a thousand!

SpongeBob: Why not?

Squidward: [upset] I can't drink that.

Howard: Mr. Krabs, is there a problem here?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: You better believe there's a problem! I used to kiss the ground you walked on, Blandy, but after seeing this, I wouldn't even *spit* in your direction!

Squidward: Patrick, what are you doing here?
Patrick: Uhh, I dunno. I'm funny?

Kid: [to himself, in a sing-song voice] I had four biscuits, and I ate one. Then, I only had three!

Squidward: Hey, MoistBob DripPants, do you mind?

Mr. Krabs: What did I tell you about those hooks, boy?
SpongeBob: Well, I...
Patrick: I'll tell you about the hooks. You ride them up and up and up, and then you gently float back down.
Mr. Krabs: And do you know what happens when you don't float back down?
SpongeBob: Gift shop!
Mr. Krabs: Worse! You end up vacuum-packed in a can of tuna, with nothing to look forward to but the smell of mayonnaise.
[SpongeBob and Patrick gasp in horror]
Mr. Krabs: I want you to promise me you will never go near those hooks again.
SpongeBob: We promise, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: I wanna hear a sailor's promise. Yo ho, yo ho. Near the hooks I'll never go.
SpongeBob: Yo ho, yo ho. Near the hooks I'll never go.
Mr. Krabs: [a hook gooses him] Yeow! Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!
SpongeBob: Yeow! Mother of pearl! Fire on the poopdeck!

SpongeBob: Oh magic conch shell, what do we need to do to get out of the Kelp Forest?
[pulls string]
Magic: Nothing.
Patrick: The shell has spoken!

Reg: Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are you?
Tough: How tough am I? I had a bowl of nails for breakfast this morning.
Reg: Yeah, so?
Tough: Without any milk.
Reg: Uh, right this way. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Sandy: [Affected by Jerktonium] You took food from Plankton and fed it to everyone in town?
SpongeBob: [Smiling] Uh huh.
Sandy: You're an idiot.
SpongeBob: [Still smiling] Uh huh.

Fish: Meep

King: [in Squidward's dream] Hey! I have not instructed you to stop, now play!
[turns to Spongebob, and changes to jovial mood]
King: Do tell me the one about the man from Peru again.

SpongeBob: Bodyguard, let me just take this opportunity to say that you're the best bodyguard a fella could hope to have.
Strangler: Alright, enough of the sappy talk. Open the door so I can strangle you- I mean, uh, uh, choke you, I mean, uh, crush you with my- Gahhhh! I mean...
SpongeBob: Protect me?
Strangler: Uh, thanks.
SpongeBob: Don't mention it, Strangler.
[He gasps]
SpongeBob: I mean, bodyguard.

[SpongeBob has accidentally jumped into the Strangler's eyesockets]
Strangler: Get your cleats out of my eyesockets!
[SpongeBob tries to pull his leg out of one of the Strangler's sockets]
SpongeBob: I'm trying, but my cleats are stuck in your corneas!

Plankton: Shut your mouth, you mediocre clarinet player.
Squidward: Mediocre?
Plankton: You pretentious, insignificant artist. Your sniveling creations are worth less than a protozoan's waste.

Patchy the Pirate: [the episode just ended] Wow wasn't that great kids?
Potty: Let's watch it again.
Patchy the Pirate: That's a good idea Potty. What where's the remote? Where's the remote?
[stands up]
Patchy the Pirate: I've lost my remote you know they should make them easy to
[a brick flies through the window and hits Patchy on his head causing him to faint]
Patchy the Pirate: [Picks up the brick and sees the remote is attached to it] My remote
[goes to the window]
Patchy the Pirate: Thanks stranger.
Mrs. Johnson: Don't mention it Patchy.
[takes off in her jetpack wheelchair]
Patchy the Pirate: Alright now which one of these cockamamie buttons is rewind?
[hits a button and it turns to a channel with a clown juggling]
Patchy the Pirate: No that's not it.
[hits another button and turns to the weather channel]
Newscaster: As for Encino.
Patchy the Pirate: No wrong again
[hits another button shows a western film, hits another button shows a football game, hits another button and shows a flower the starts rapidly hitting buttons on the remote]
Potty: Let me do it.
[grabs the remote]
Patchy the Pirate: No get away.
[Potty hits a button and everything goes dark]
Patchy the Pirate: That's the light switch!
[hits a button and the lights turn on]
Patchy the Pirate: Give me that.
[hits a button and a mariachi band appears in front of the fireplace and start playing a festive song]
Potty: That's the mariachi band button.
Patchy the Pirate: [annoyed] I hate Technology!
[the camera pans over in each one of the mariachi band players playing away then cuts back to Patchy still hitting buttons on the remote and getting increasingly frustrated]
Patchy the Pirate: Come on rewind darn you!
[the VCR malfunctions and starts spitting the tape out]
Potty: Failure Ahoy!
Patchy the Pirate: [runs over to the VCR] No Stop! Stop!
[grabs the film and tries putting it back in but gets the tape tangled]
Patchy the Pirate: Go back you infernal machine! Ahhhh!
[falls overs and is incased in the tape]
Patchy the Pirate: Oh No! I've ruined the lost episode! Now it's lost forever!
Potty: Lost forever.

Patrick: [Happy] We saved the rec center!
Squidward: [Confused] What rec center?

Squidward: Why couldn't the 11-year-old get into the pirate movie? Because it was rated "Arr!"

Patrick: No need to thank us.
Squidward: [enraged] THANK YOU?
Patrick: You're welcome.
[he ducks as Squidward tries to grab him]
Patrick: Miss.

Patrick: We destroyed your oldest and most prized possession!
[There is a pause during which Lord Royal Highness looks utterly horrified]
Lord: [laughing] If there's one thing we Atlanteans enjoy, it's a healthy dose of dark humour!

Patrick: That's it! You have crossed the line! As of right now, this friendship is over!
SpongeBob: Really?
Patrick: No, you can look inside if you really want to.
SpongeBob: Oh, boy! this is one of the greatest moments of my life.
[Looks inside]
SpongeBob: Huh?
Patrick: Well, what did I tell you? Isn't it great?
SpongeBob: It's just a piece of string.
Patrick: A secret string!
SpongeBob: Boy, when you're right, you're right. That is some secret box you got there. Well, good night, Patrick.
Patrick: Good night, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Boy, I should have known. It was just a piece of string all along. Wait 'till I tell Gary.
Patrick: [Laughs] Too bad SpongeBob didn't pull on the secret string, opening the secret compartment of my secret box, revealing one embarrasing snapshot of SpongeBob at the Christmas party! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Merry Christmas, SpongeBob!

[Spongebob erases the 'Pat' off of Patrick's nametag]
Patrick: [Screaming] My name's not Rick!

Patrick: Well, I know you're going on that moon trip tomorrow, and I just wanted to bring you something.
SpongeBob: A present?
Patrick: No. Oh, SpongeBob? Is Sandy's rocket alien-proof?
SpongeBob: There are no aliens, Patrick.
[He turns away from Patrick, annoyed]
SpongeBob: Just ask Sandy.
Patrick: Well, I'm sure you won't be needing this alien repellent for your trip!
[He shows SpongeBob a spray can]
SpongeBob: Alien repellent? Lemme see that.
[He grabs the can]
SpongeBob: "New Alien-Out Window Protectant. Does Not Stop Burglars".

Davy: Yeah, that's right, baby! Welcome... to my locker!
[He laughs maniacally and then sings Daydream Believer]
Davy: For a day-dream believer and a homecoming queen!
[He throws a sock at the Flying Dutchman]

Sheldon J. Plankton: [dreaming he is a giant, destroying Bikini Bottom] Oh, look, it's the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty.
[steps on it]
Sheldon J. Plankton: Crush!
[takes the sign and walks off, licking it]
Sheldon J. Plankton: Lick, lick...

SpongeBob: I'm sick, Patrick. I'm going to the doctor.
Patrick: What? Oh no, you can't go!
SpongeBob: Why not?
Patrick: I know a guy who knows a guy who went to the doctor, and the doctor's office is a horrible, horrible place.
SpongeBob: It can't be as horrible as the suds.
[Sneezes]
Patrick: Oh, it is, SpongeBob. First, they make you sit in a... waiting room!
SpongeBob: Is that the horrible part?
Patrick: No, it gets worse. They make you read... old magazines!
[SpongeBob shrieks]
Patrick: Then the doctor pulls out his stethoscope.
SpongeBob: No!
Patrick: Yes! It's a device so sinister, so icy cold when it touches your bare flesh that... Pssh!
SpongeBob: Aaah! No doctor! No stethoscope! No magazines! No Pssh! Patrick, I don't want to go to the doctor.
Patrick: Exactly.

[Sandy and SpongeBob are doing karate at the beach]
SpongeBob: HI-YAH!... Sandy?
Sandy: Oh, I'm Sandy all right. I'm very Sandy. HI-YAH!
[Comes up from under the sand and launches SpongeBob into the air]
SpongeBob: [as he flies through the air] Oh, I get it. She's Sandy. That's her name, and she's also covered in, yes...

Mermaid: If you don't get out of here, then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.
Orderly: What is going on in here?
Mermaid: [Points at SpongeBob] You may kiss the bride!
[SpongeBob is kicked out of the retirement home and rolls back home]
Patrick: Did you reunite our heroes?
SpongeBob: No, but I'm married.

Mr. Krabs: [Mr. Krabs has put a Krabby Patty out to tempt Plankton, but it's still on the table when Plankton and Spongebob leave] Well, maybe the lad's right. Maybe Plankton HAS gone straight.
[the Krabby patty falls over, revealing that it has been replaced with a cardboard cutout]
Mr. Krabs: And maybe scallops'll fly outta me pants!

Fred: Aw come on, Doc, it's just MY LEG!
[as he's saying this he kicks the doctor in the face]
Fred: I've got another one.
Doctor: Just your leg?
[He hits Fred in the head with Fred's other leg]
Doctor: Just your leg? All right, Fred. The next time you come in here with a hurt leg, I'm going to replace it with...
Fred: With what?
Doctor: A robot leg!
Fred: Cool!
Doctor: It might be cool to you, Fred, but how does the robot feel?

SpongeBob: Alright, goodness lesson number three.
[Patrick is shown angry and severely injured, sitting in a wheelchair]
SpongeBob: Uhh, let's see.
[Patrick snatches away the remote to the tickle belt]
Patrick: I've got one! I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 100. What is it?
ManRay: [genuinely confused] Umm... 62?
Patrick: Wrong!
[pushes button to tickle ManRay]

Squidward: [clapping his hands] Four O' Clock time for my stories. Hurry up they won't hold the show while you laze around!
[SpongeBob rolls in a fake cardboard TV in front of Squidward and hands him a remote control Squiward takes it and hits a button turning the fake TV on]

SpongeBob: Don't forget your condiments, Plankton.
[squirts Plankton with ketchup & mustard]

SpongeBob: Here at the Krusty Krab, you are the captain, and I am your cabin boy. You just give the word, and I'll throw myself in the brig! May I take your order?

Narrator: [over the short montage title card] Remembering SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: This working out thing isn't working out.

Sandy: Holy guacamole! You can't eat my friends, you rats with wings!

SpongeBob: Hibernation? What's that?
Sandy: It's when I sleep all winter.
SpongeBob: Can I do that?
Sandy: No, silly. It's a mammalian thing.
SpongeBob: Sandy, you may not have noticed, but I is one-hundred-percent ma-male.

Squidward: Are you accussing me of something?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Well, the way I see it, there are three possibilities: One, you stole it; two, you stole it; or three, you stole it!

SpongeBob: [Opens a can of Strongman Powder; as he pours into a blender] Kelp powder for muscle mass.
SpongeBob: [Shows Gary; before dropping into a mixture] Raw eggs, 'cause were cliché.
SpongeBob: [as he pours out a box of those pieces in 4, 5, 5, 2; 16 in total] ... And nails for toughness.
[SpongeBob drops 9 pieces of nails into a mixture, puts on a top and blends the mixture into a drink on a blender]
Gary: Meow?
SpongeBob: Of course, I expect you to eat this.
[Gary eyes widens]
SpongeBob: [pours his drink into a cup for Gary] It's scientifically designed to help you win tomorrow. Gary?
[Gary lefts the kitchen to watch a comedy show on a living room TV]
SpongeBob: [stops his pocket watch as the music ends] Wow. Pretty good time.

SpongeBob: [Chanting] Saved, saved! Saved, saved! Saved-saved, saved-saved, saved-saved-saved-saved-saved-saved! Saved-saved-saved-saved-saved, saved! Saved-saved-saved-saved-saved, saved! Yes, we are saved!
Squidward: It's just a stupid boulder.
SpongeBob: It's not just a boulder. It's a rock.
[Crying]
SpongeBob: A rock! A rock! A great, big, beautiful rock! Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles, and it's in great shape.
Squidward: SpongeBob! Will you stop talking about the stupid pioneers? Have you noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchikers, ate coral, and took directions from algae! And now you're telling me they thought they could drive...
[SpongeBob runs over Squidward with the rock]
Squidward: ... rocks? Hold on there, Jethro!

[a waterball is thrown at SpongeBob]
Mermaid: He's absorbing it like some kind of evil sponge!

[SpongeBob has finished taking out the trash and is walking confidently across the floor of the Krusty Krab. Squidward is leering at him mockingly from behind the counter]
Squidward: So, you're not afraid?
SpongeBob: Pfff! Nah.
Squidward: Well, I am. Especially after...
[He gulps]
Squidward: Well, you know.
SpongeBob: What? What do I know?
Squidward: You don't remember? It was all over the news!
SpongeBob: [eagerly clenching his fists in excitement] Tell me! Tell me!
Squidward: [waving a tentacle dismissively] No, no, I probably shouldn't.
[He puts his hands to his chest, feigning sympathy]
Squidward: It would ruin the night shift for you.
[His eyes narrow and his mouth forms into a cunning grin]

Narrator: To some, surfing comes as naturally as eating ice-cream on a hot day. To others, it's like eating ice-cream on a cold day.

SpongeBob: [points at Patrick] You're copying me!
Patrick: [imitates SpongeBob and points back] Yes.

Pearl: Oh, thanks for the ride, Dylan!
Dylan: No prob.
[Squidward hauls himself up through the papier mache head of Pearl, out of the tunnel she dug]
Squidward: She's gone! Krabs is gonna kill me!
[Babbling in a blind panic, he starts off for his bike... but he mustn't be too reckless. Carefully he checks and checks again whether his helmet is secure, his bike wheels are flat-proof, and his elbow pads are in place. Then he races after Pearl and Dylan]

Police: [to Spongebob] Were you at the zoo on the day of the oyster incident?
SpongeBob: [nervously] Y-Yes!
[his upper body drops into his pants]
Police: Did you, or did you not take part in various activities of zoo-time merriment?
SpongeBob: Yes...
Police: And are you familiar with this peanut?
SpongeBob: [his pants rip open and his body parts fall out] Yes!
Police: One more question... Is it true that you were at the oyster's lair with a Mr. Patrick Star?
SpongeBob: [cries] Yes, yes, it's true!, it's all true!, the merriment, the peanut, the Patrick!
Police: That's all we need to know son. Book him!
[puts handcuffs on Patrick]
Patrick: Wow you guys are good, I'm the last person I would've expected, but I was looking for me all the time!, It's the perfect crime!

SpongeBob: All right, Pinhead. Your time is up.
Patrick: Who are you calling Pinhead? I wanna be Dirty Dan.
SpongeBob: What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan?
Patrick: I'm dirty.

Truck: [seeing SpongeBob in the road] Crashing thrashing BREAK DANCER!
[blares the horn]
Squidward: He's stop, he's stopping!
[realizes that the truck isn't stopping and runs in front of the truck to save SpongeBob before he get run over]

Squidward: Can you take hats in a dignified and sophisticated manner?
Patrick: You mean like a weenie? Okay!
[Patrick's eyes big and he talks in a goofy voice]
Patrick: May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May I...
Squidward: All right, I've heard enough. You got the job.

[SpongeBob is holding a large red wrench in attempt to release all the jellyfish]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, boy, what are you doing with that?
SpongeBob: Something that should've been done a long time ago!

Patrick: [after hearing about the number of bad words] That's a lot of
[dolphin chirp]
Patrick: in' bad words!

Policeman Inside Box: Attention! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!
Squidward: What do they want with me? What did I do?
[gasps]
Squidward: Obviously I violated some new box kicking law!
[walks out of his house showing the green box]
Squidward: Look, officers, everything's okay. I won't do it again!
Criminal: You'll never take me alive, coppers!

SpongeBob: The ligthbulb! Without its warmth Roger will die!
Patrick: Roger! Without him the lightbulb will have nothing to warm!

Squidward: [addressing the people of Bikini Bottom through a megaphone while on strike from the Krusty Krab] With your support, we will send the hammer of the people's will crashing through the windows of Mr. Krabs' HOUSE OF SERVITUDE!
[everyone cheers]
Fish: Wow, all this supporting is making me hungry.
Fish: Hey, everybody, let's go get a Krabby Patty!
[everyone cheers and run into the Krusty Krab, trampling Squidward as they do]
Squidward: Nobody gives a care about the fate of labor as long as they can get their instant gratification.

[the guys watch Sandy as she stands before them, without her suit and her protective helmet]
Mr. Krabs: Neptune preserve her!
Squidward: How long can she stay like that?
SpongeBob: I don't know!
[a brief pause]
Patrick: Sandy's a girl?

Squidward: NO! NO! It's already been contaminated by a bad lemon it won't work!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Donate money to the children's fund? Why? What have the children ever done for me?

Squidward: [wearing the Kuddly Krab outfit] Rage. Fury. Irritation. Humiliation.

Mr. Krabs: [draws a ghost on a piece of paper and attaches it to a fishing pole] This'll scare him.
[dangles it through the window of a sleeping SpongeBob, moaning like a ghost. SpongeBob wakes up]
SpongeBob: Oh my gosh, a floating shopping list!
[He screams]
Mr. Krabs: [looks at the paper which reads "milk, eggs, bread"] I'm not a shopping list
[turns it over]
Mr. Krabs: I'm a ghost!
[SpongeBob squeals with fright]
Mr. Krabs: Now listen, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: How do you know my name? Who are you?
Mr. Krabs: I am the ghost of soda drink hats!
[He draws a picture of the soda drink hat he gave SpongeBob and hangs it in front of the window]
Mr. Krabs: I'm here to tell you that that soda drinking hat you possess is cursed!
SpongeBob: Cursed?
Mr. Krabs: Yes; it belongs to some guy who's dead now.
SpongeBob: What guy?
[Mr. Krabs is flabbergasted by this; he hadn't anticipated that SpongeBob would asked for exact details]
Mr. Krabs: Uh... Smitty something.
SpongeBob: Smitty what?
Mr. Krabs: Uh, Smitty... Werben... Jaegerman... Jenson.

SpongeBob: Krusty Krab is unfair! Mr. Krabs is in there, standing at the concession, plotting his oppresssion!
Fish: What the heck does that mean?
SpongeBob: I don't know. Squidward told me to yell it at people.

Trash: [like Pac-Man] Trash, trash, trash, trash...

SpongeBob: Ripped pants a la mode!

Patrick: I've been thinking. At first a handshake doesn't seem like much, but really it's the thought that counts...
[Fran walks up with a heart-shaped box of chocolates in her arms]
Fran: Hey SpongeBob, I just wanted to thank you for this box of chocolates.
SpongeBob: Uh, no problem Fran.
Patrick: And even though I was expecting more...
[Dave walks up with roses]
Dave: Thanks for the roses, SpongeBob. Happy Valentine's Day!
SpongeBob: You too, Dave.
Patrick: And not that it matters that we've been friends for so long...
[female fish walks up with a bike]
Female: Hey SpongeBob, thanks for the bike!
[to Patrick]
Female: Can you believe this guy? I just met him this morning!
Patrick: [getting angry, through clenched teeth] So, as I was saying...
Male: Excuse me; do you guys have the time?
Patrick: [snaps, screams and throws the fish] Patrick needs love, too-hoo-hoooo!

Squidward: [trying to find a place to eat a Krabby Patty without being spotted by SpongeBob] What do I have to do? Eat one out of the garbage?
[a bystander with a big belly walks up to the trash can with a partially eaten Krabby Patty]
Bystander: I wish I could eat this, but I'm so darn full. Oh well.
[throws the Krabby Patty in the trash]
Squidward: I had to say "garbage"... but okay!

SpongeBob: [to jellyfish] You're my twelfth catch of the day. I'm going to call you Twelvy.

Patrick: [Crazy] If I can't have you as a friend, I'm gonna make you a trophy. I even picked out this nice jar for you.

The: Next stop, Davy Jones' locker!
[transports Mr. Krabs to a locker room]
The: Here we are!
Mr. Krabs: Why does it smell so foul?
The: Davy Jones works out a lot. These are his gym socks.

Squidward: A sandwich? You expect me to break my back over a sandwich?
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Not a sandwich.
[He dumps sandwiches overboard]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: *The* sandwich.
Squidward: Whatever. We've got plenty more to...
[Mr. Krabs dumps the entire refrigerator overboard]
Squidward: ... Eat.

Patrick: Listen up SpongeBob Secret Stealer Pants! If you ever come near my secret box again, we won't be friends anymore!
SpongeBob: But we're supposed to be friends forever.

Mrs. Poppy Puff: What's going on here? Well?
Patrick: SpongeBob and I were fighting.
Mrs. Poppy Puff: [gasp] Fighting? Well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but, SpongeBob Squarepants, I here by sentence you and your friend... to detention!
SpongeBob: [gasp] Detention?
Mrs. Poppy Puff: May Neptune have mercy on your soul!

Squidward: This is the cold-blooded test.
[He presents the thermometer]
Squidward: Just take his temperature.
SpongeBob: You got it, best friend.
Squidward: Don't call me that.
[SpongeBob playfully prods the thermometer into Squidward's nose]
SpongeBob: Boop.
[Squidward stammers angrily and storms off]

SpongeBob: So this is what it feels like. The big time! With this mop, I shape my destiny!

Squidward: [thinking] Lie... lie... lying always makes it worse...
[Speaking]
Squidward: I own a five-star restaurant!
Squilliam: Squidward! I had no idea you were such a success.
Squidward: That's right!
Squilliam: And I would be honored if you would allow me to come to *your* restaurant... tonight!
Squidward: [his nose shrivels in shock] T-t-t-t-tonight?
Squilliam: In fact, we'll all come! My treat!

SpongeBob: [as Squidward gets stung by jellyfish] What a lucky break, now I have a captive audience.

Computer: Plankton: 1% Evil, 99% Hot Gas.

Plankton: [reading a book] And then the littlest sea elf said.
[a huge drop of drool lands on his head]
Plankton: Huh? What the?
[looks up to find SpongeBob sleeping]
Plankton: [growling in frustration grabs a hammer but restrains himself] steady, steady Plankton this would all pay off soon enough
[throws the hammer away and SpongeBob wakes up]
Plankton: Hey there sleepyhead so what do you say?

[Mr. Krabs has stuffed SpongeBob and Squidward into his safe]
Mr. Krabs: You're me new security system.
[He shuts the door on them and walks away, laughing]
SpongeBob: Yay!
Squidward: Wait! I'm claustrophobic!

Phone: If you'd like to leave a message, wait for the cough.
Squidward: Everyone's a comedian.

[Plankton just created a robot version of Mr. Krabs]
Robot: Mr. Squidward!
Squidward: What now, Mr. Krabs?
Robot: That's right, I am Krabs, your boss, your ruler, your master!
[Plankton laughs evily, while Squidward looks at the robot version of Mr. Krabs]
Squidward: You're not Mr. Krabs.
Robot: Hey, why don't you take the rest of the day off?
Squidward: [laughing] Well... whatever you say, "Mr. Krabs"! Whoopee!
[Squidward then leaves the Krusty Krab]

Plankton: That's really funny SpongeBob but seriously why don't you make the Krabby Patties.

SpongeBob: You, the teacher to my pupil? This isn't art class, it's heaven.
Squidward: Yeah. Well, grab a little piece of heaven and sit down.

Squidward: Does anyone have any sunscreen?

[SpongeBob, covered with worms, sees Squidward going into his house and walks towards him. Worms cover his eyes and mouth]
SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward! Squidward! I need a hug!
[Squidward sees SpongeBob, screams with fright and sprays him with a hose. SpongeBob soaks up the water]
SpongeBob: Does that mean no hug?
Squidward: There will be no hugs! Get away from me, you monstrosity!

Squidward: I'm a winner! See my prize! You're a loser who sits and cries!

[Mrs. Puff has been freaking out at the sight of SpongeBob and Patrick in disguise; two prison guards hear her scream]
Guard: What the barnacles is going on?
Mrs. Poppy Puff: Get away from me! Get away!
Guard: What are you talking, Puff?
Mrs. Poppy Puff: You can't fool me! You're SpongeBob and that guy who likes the chili!
[she rips off the guards' faces]

SpongeBob: [repeated line; after a disasterous day living in the jellyfish fields; dejectedly] Buzz, Buzz...

SpongeBob: Gosh, Lary sure is different than Gary. And Gary and Lary are real different than...
[Pulls out a photo-realistic snail]
SpongeBob: ...Jerry.

[Gary collapses from exhaustion at the Snail Race]
SpongeBob: Oh Gary, I'm sorry! Why didn't you just say I was pushing you too hard?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: You did? Oh Gary! Why didn't you tell me I wasn't listening?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: You did?

Old: Why won't you let me on the ride?
Glove: Sir, you have a serious medical condition.
Old: But it's my birthday!

SpongeBob: Okay, Mrs. Puff. How many points was that?
Mrs. Poppy Puff: Six.
SpongeBob: Whooooo! And how many points do I need to pass?
Mrs. Poppy Puff: Six.
SpongeBob: Whooooo...
Mrs. Poppy Puff: ...Hundred.
SpongeBob: Wha?
Mrs. Poppy Puff: Six hundred. You need six hundred to pass. You got six.

[trying to open the frozen lock on Sandy's tree dome, SpongeBob pulls hard and is unsuccessful]
SpongeBob: Tartar sauce. The lock's frozen shut.
Patrick: Here, let me try.
[walks over and extends his arms toward the door]
Patrick: Open sesame.
[pause]
Patrick: Well, I've done all I could do.

SpongeBob: Well, see you in the AM, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Hold on there, SpongeBob! Take that pile of filth out with ya.
SpongeBob: [Gasps] Mr. Krabs! You shouldn't talk about Squidward like that.
Squidward: [Holding a trash bag] He means this filth, you loon!

Patrick: That penny has the most beautiful voice.

SpongeBob: Sandy, why do you have rockets on your sub?
Sandy: Ya know, in case I get stuck in traffic.

SpongeBob: I am just so touched that you would go to the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry-cook and stand on the other side of the street just to entertain me. You must really like me!
Squidward: Spongebob, there are two problems with your theory. One, I hate you. And two, how can that be me when I'm standing right here?

Mr. Krabs: Sponge-boy-me-Bob!

Patrick,25819: [chanting] Jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing!

SpongeBob: Patrick, how long has it been?
[Patrick looks at his watch, which is just drawn on his wrist with crayon]
Patrick: Aw, I have to draw a new battery for this.

[SpongeBob knocks on Squidward's door and calls to him]
SpongeBob: Squidward? Squidward! Oh, Squidward!
Squidward: SpongeBob, do you have to knock so loudly?
SpongeBob: Sorry, neighbor.
[Squidward massages his head]
Squidward: Oh, that overgrown clam is giving me a headache! I can't even take my afternoon beauty nap!
[SpongeBob laughs nervously]
SpongeBob: Funny thing you should mention that old oyster, because I, uh, was kinda... wondering, eh... L-let's say I know this guy who may have something to do with the oyster.
[Squidward's face lights up]
Squidward: You mean you know the guy who did it?
[SpongeBob gulps]
Squidward: Oh, this is great! You and I can go turn him in! And then I'll get so much sleep, I'll be gorgeous!
SpongeBob: Actually, I'm- I'm just talking hypothetically.
Squidward: [sullenly] You mean you don't know who did it?
SpongeBob: Well... eh, I-eh... No!
[Squidward slams the door in SpongeBob's face]

SpongeBob: Can you show me how to tie my shoes?
Painty the Pirate: Arrr, I be just a paintin' of a head.

[Patrick chases Spongebob into the Krusty Krab kitchen while picking his nose]
SpongeBob: Run, Mr. Krabs! Patrick is digging for gold!
Mr. Krabs: Gold?
[eagerly runs into the kitchen, in search of the gold in question, but comes out with nothing]
Squidward: Did you get any of Patrick's "gold"?
Mr. Krabs: He's not digging for any gold I'm looking for.

SpongeBob: Hey, Mrs. Puff! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!...
Mrs. Puff: Oh! I'm not ready.

Mr. Krabs: Need some change?
Squidward: No.
Mr. Krabs: W-why?
Squidward: [softly] Because I'm all out of *MONEY!*

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, I had some chores for you, but you wouldn't do them anyway.
Squidward: And it only took you eleventy-seven years to figure that out?

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: I ain't afraid of no ghost.

Jack: [Repeated line] Just keep breathin'.

SpongeBob: It's how I always reimagined the reboot would always be remade.

SpongeBob: [disguising the bathtub as a treasure chest] Wow, Gary, look! A pirate treasure chest!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Why, no, Gary, this isn't the bathtub...
[kicks a paint bucket away]
SpongeBob: It's treasure!
[pulls out two bars of soap]
SpongeBob: Look, doubloons. Don't drop 'em.
[winks, then pulls out a rubber duck]
SpongeBob: Look at this brooch.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: I don't know what a snail would want with a brooch! Now why don't you just get in the tub!

SpongeBob: Hi, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: What are you doing? My class can hardly hear me teach.
SpongeBob: I'm trying to lift this boat. I think Patrick's hiding underneath it.
Mrs. Puff: Why would he be doing that?
SpongeBob: Because we're playing hide-and-seek. Wanna play?
Mrs. Puff: Me? Why, no, I couldn't.
SpongeBob: Are you sure?
Mrs. Puff: Yes.
SpongeBob: Are you sure you're sure?
Mrs. Puff: Yes.
SpongeBob: Are you sure you're sure you're sure?
Mrs. Puff: Yes, I'm sure!
SpongeBob: Are you sure you're sure you're sure you're sure?
Mrs. Puff: Yes!
SpongeBob: Are you sure you're sure you're sure you're sure you're sure?
Mrs. Puff: Actually, SpongeBob, I will play.
[lifts up the boat, throws it and makes a fire]
SpongeBob: Nope, he's not under there. Thanks for checking under your car, Mrs. Puff!

Squidward: Oh, please. He is such a drama queen.

SpongeBob: [noticing Patrick] Oh, hi, Patrick. I'm confused.
Patrick: Yes, I am.
SpongeBob: Patrick, everyone is running away from me. Watch.
[walks over to a building]
SpongeBob: Hi, building!
[his stinky breath hits the building and it springs to life and moves away]
SpongeBob: I just don't get it!
Patrick: [SpongeBob's stinky breath hits Patrick but since he has no nose it just bounces off his face] I don't either. Maybe it's the way you're dressed.
[shows a close up of SpongeBob's clothes]
SpongeBob: Nah.
Patrick: Maybe it's your voice.
SpongeBob: [SpongeBob laughs obnoxiously for a long time] Good one, Patrick.
Patrick: Well, maybe it's... just because you're ugly
SpongeBob: Ugly?
[puts his finger in his mouth and wipes it across his eyebrows then strikes a pose]
SpongeBob: You've got to be kidding me.
Patrick: Better try your reflection test.
[hands SpongeBob a mirror]
SpongeBob: [to his reflection] Hi!
[his reflection smells his breath and reacts in disgust then smashes the mirror with a hammer]
Patrick: Ugly!

Squog: Wait a minute.

SpongeBob: It's a party, for you! We have square dancing
[shows a fish holding a big cube]
SpongeBob: , barby-cues...
Squidward: [holding a big Q with spikes on it] Ow. Ow.
SpongeBob: Peas-in-a-can pie
[shows another fish holding a pie with a can of peas sticking out]
SpongeBob: and our very own ten-gallon hats.
[He and Patrick put water jugs on their heads]

Sandy: Take me through the plan again.
SpongeBob: Okay! Step 1...
[deep voice]
SpongeBob: Patrick and I get to the Valentine's Day carnival.
[normal voice]
SpongeBob: Step 2...
[deep voice]
SpongeBob: I position Patrick and myself on top of the Ferris wheel.
[normal voice]
SpongeBob: Step 3...
[deep voice]
SpongeBob: You arrive at designated checkpoint for maximum visual contact.
[normal voice]
SpongeBob: Step 4...
[deep voice]
SpongeBob: Patrick is thrilled. Mission accomplished.

SpongeBob: [answering a pay phone at the boating school] Death row. Next in line speaking.

Pearl: SpongeBob, what do you like better? The Krazy Krab, or the Kooky Krab?
Squidward: For what, dare I ask?
Pearl: The new name for our new look. I mean, the Krusty Krab has got to go. Who wants to eat at a place they think it's crusty? Bleagh!
Squidward: Sure, it's a terrible name, but this is a terrible place. Therefore, the name should be left alone. Right, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I got it! How about the Khaotic Krab?
Pearl: Or the Kissy Krab? Mwa-mwa-mwa.
SpongeBob: The King Krab.
Pearl: The Kandy Krab.
SpongeBob: The Kool Krab. Or the Kowboy Krab. The Kurly Krab. The Kreepy Krab. The Killer Krab!
Pearl: Ahh! No.
SpongeBob: You're right, too scary.
SpongeBob: Hmm... The Kuddly Krab!

Mrs. Puff: [Frustrated at seeing Spongebob unscathed in the Demoltion Derby] Why are you *still* ALIVE?
Spongebob: Put it in drive? Thanks Mrs. Puff! You're the best!

[about "Robot Krabs"]
Squidward: Um SpongeBob, how did that movie of yours end?
SpongeBob: ...the movie? OH! The ending was great! Turns out there were no robots, it was just their... imagination...
[Spongebob laughs nervously and looks at watch]
SpongeBob: Hey, it's time to feed Gary...
SpongeBob: [He bolts out the door]
Squidward: [Squidward begins sweeping nervously]
Mr. Krabs: SQUIDWARD!

Squidward: SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I am going to move so far away, that I would be able to brag about it. I would...
[a rock falls on his head]
Squidward: I would rather tear out my brain stem, carry it into the middle of the nearest four-way intersection and skip rope with it than go on living where I do now.
Man: Hi there! Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain stem, walk out into the nearest three-way...
Squidward: Four-way.
Man: Four-way intersection and skip rope with it than continue living where you do now?

Patrick: [as Spongebob tries to hide] I can see you there! I still see you! You're gonna look good on my mantle! Friends forever Spongebob
[Spongebob hides underneath a N-shaped rock and checks for Patrick, then catches his breath until he realizes Patrick's above him with a evil look]
Patrick: I got you now Spongebob!
SpongeBob: [as Patrick comes down] Patrick! NO!
[Patrick crashes, missing him]

Mr. Krabs: Squidward, what's with the creepy smile?
Squidward: I was just - He he! - remembering the world before SpongeBob. Ha ha!

SpongeBob: Look, Patrick, I'm Texas: Duh, howdy, y'all!
Patrick: I'm Texas too: Get a dog, little longie, get a dog!

SpongeBob: Look what's in Sandy's bed.
Patrick: It looks like an overinflated Sandy doll.
SpongeBob: I think this thing is Sandy.
Patrick: Hibernation must mean the opposite of beauty sleep.

Squidward: SpongeBob will you just face facts? You've shrunken everyone in Bikini Bottom! You've got to go to Mermaid Man!
SpongeBob: Oh Squidward he'll be so disappointed.
Sandy: Well you can't leave us small forever!
SpongeBob: [on the verge of tears] But you don't understand!
Mrs. SquarePants: [Spongebob's parents appear in the jar] SpongeBob you need to admit your mistakes
SpongeBob: Mom?
Mermaid: Your mother's right son, Mermaid Man will understand
Barnacle: You're Mermaid Man you old coot!
Mermaid: Oh yeah.

Pearl: Oh, no. A stomach ache at the beach? That's no fun! I wish it would go away.
Karen: [Karen magically appears next to Pearl] Your wish is granted. Hold out your hand!
Pearl: [as Karen waves her wand and poof up a bottle of Gush and Flush stomach reliever] Wow! What is this?
Karen: For fast relief of indigestion, try Gush and Flush. And wash your pain down the drain.
[whispers]
Karen: And my stupid husband, while you're at it.

Patrick: [to a bird] Whistling
SpongeBob: Patrick, I didn't know you speak bird.
Patrick: That's not bird Spongebob; that's Italian.

Narrator: Here we are again at the Bikini Bottom Boating School. Today is once again the day of SpongeBob's boating school exam. But more importantly, this is the last test for the year.
[the boat SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff are in starts to come up towards the Narrator, who panics]
Narrator: And if SpongeBob does not pass this one, it means another whole year of boating school!
[SpongeBob hits the Narrator, who groans in pain]

Lonnie: [Sees the sign] Hey, boss, it says, "Closed: Feel Free to Slide Money Under the Door!"
Sharkface: [sarcastically] Thank you, Professor Lonnie. Here's a flash: I can read!

Barnacle: [to Mermaid Man] I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra!

SpongeBob: [scrubbing the floor while singing] Scrub a-dub-dub, I love to rub
[Plankton rolls over in his robot suit of Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob: Oh, hey Mr. Krabs just doing a little scrubbing
Plankton: Hello, SpongeBob, it is me, Mr. Krabs.
[smoke comes out of the exhaust pipe]
Plankton: In the flesh.
[exhaust pipe smokes again]
Plankton: Standing right in front of you.
[pipe smokes again]
Plankton: With no one else around.
SpongeBob: I can see that Mr. Krabs
Plankton: I thought we might discuss the Krabby Patty secret formula.
[a microphone comes out of the Robot Krabs]
SpongeBob: [points at it] Isn't that a microphone?
Plankton: What? Why, yes it is.
[puts the microphone back inside his body]
Plankton: I must get this shirt cleaned. Alright, now tell me the secret formula.
SpongeBob: But, sir, we haven't done the secret handshake yet.
Plankton: [offers the suit's hand] Oh yes. Here, let's shake.
SpongeBob: [laughs] We don't shake with our hands, remember?
Plankton: Uh, right, why don't you start?
SpongeBob: We stand on one foot. Balance a glass of chocolate milk on our heads and sing the Bikini Bottom National Anthem.
SpongeBob: [singing] Oh, Bikini Bottom, we pledge our hearts to you, as faithful, as deep, as true, as blue, Bikini Bottom, we love you!

Sandy: [summoning Pearl to save her and her friends from Squidward] Sic 'im, Pearl! Sorry, Squidward!

SpongeBob: [disguised as the radio] And now back to K.R.U.D. with all of your personal "You-won't-get-away-with-stealing-my-car" hits.
[Mrs. Puff screams as SpongeBob pulls himself out of the radio hole and pounces on her]

Mr. Krabs: Back then, a Krabby Patty only cost a dime. It was a dark and evil time. I still have nightmares.

SpongeBob: So, you were an alien all the time, and you didn't even tell me!
Patrick: I didn't even know!
SpongeBob: Well, I've got you now!
Patrick: Oh, but it's not you that's got me. It's...
[He fires his pop-gun, but traps himself instead]
Patrick: ... me that's got me.

Plankton: It's just business. Well, maybe it is a little personal. I'm touching your thermostat! I'm touching your thermostat!

Spongebob: I get to lead? I can finally use my leader hat, and my lederhosen.
Patrick: Nice.
Squidward: Those are just garters, you idiot.

Patrick: Breakfast!

SpongeBob: Patrick, I think that award is for me. You must have got it by mistake.
Patrick: [tearing up] But it's shiny.
SpongeBob: Yeah... But, you know what else is shiny?
Patrick: Ice cream!

SpongeBob: Look! He's been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!
Mr. Krabs: And there's the pickles from last time, too!
Female: And there's my car keys!
Bubblebass: And... there's my ride!
[Runs off]

Patrick: I wanna defeat the giant monkey man and save the ninth dimension.
SpongeBob: Me too. But that sounds a little too hard. Let's try smaller.
Patrick: I wanna defeat the little monkey man and save the eighth dimension.

Plankton: And no more intrusions. I'd like to begin writing the memoirs of my success story so everybody just stay the...
Pearl: Daddy!

Fish: Mmm... these patties sure are delicious! I wonder what's in that secret formula?
[an alarm sounds]
SpongeBob: Code twelve! Code twelve!
[he grabs onto the fish's head]
SpongeBob: Your disguises can't fool me this time... Plankton!
[he rips the head off. everyone gasps. there's a smaller head underneath]
Fish: Everyone at the Head Enhancement Clinic said nobody would notice!
[runs off crying]
Mr. Krabs: Spongebob! What's the meaning of this?
SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I thought Plankton was trying to get the formula.
Mr. Krabs: That's no reason to rip people's head off, boy!

SpongeBob: [singing] The winner takes all. It's the thrill of one more kill. / The last one to fall will never sacrifice their will. / Don't ever look back on the wind closing in. / The only attack were their wings on the wind. / Oh, the daydream begins... / And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. / And it's ours for the taking, it's ours for the fight, / In the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah. / And the world is ours to follow / Sweet, sweet, sweet victory.
[fade out]

Plankton: [asking for the secret formula while disguised as Mr. Krabs] Formula time?
SpongeBob: Almost
Narrator: Six and a half hours later.
[Plankton uses the robot suit to launch himself out of a cannon]
Plankton: [Spongebob gives him some spaghetti which he dumps into the robot suit] Yum yum, this spaghetti sure is good, belch.
Plankton,25819: [singing] Meatball, meatball, spaghetti underneath, ravioli, ravioli, Great Barrier Reef!
Plankton: Okay let's hear that formula!
SpongeBob: Sorry Mr. Krabs no can do.
[Plankton's robot suit's eyes catch on fire]
Plankton: [in a very robotic voice] Whaaaaat?
[cut to Plankton inside the suit]
Plankton: But we did everything you said!, I followed all the rules!, I even ate 105 black licorice jelly beans through a straw!, Now why won't you tell me the formula?
SpongeBob: It's your rule, never speak the formula, you told me to keep it in...
[holds up a little bottle with a scroll in it]
SpongeBob: this bottle.

Mr. Krabs: Patrick, you're fired.
Patrick: But I don't even work here.
Mr. Krabs: How would you like a job, starting right now?
Patrick: Boy, would I.
Mr. Krabs: You're fired.

Squidward: I change my mind. I want soup instead.

SpongeBob: Squidward, you're steaming. You're like a steamed vegetable, only smarter.

SpongeBob: Defense calls Mr. Squidward to the stand.
Mr. Krabs: Ah, Squidward. A loyal employee.
SpongeBob: Mr... Tentacles, is it? My client has been called cheap. Do you agree with this ludicrous statement?
Squidward: Yes.
Mr. Krabs: What?
SpongeBob: Let me rephrase the question. Can you recall an instance of Mr. Krabs' generosity in any way?
Squidward: Nope. Can I go now? My first day off in three years and I have to spend it testifying?

SpongeBob: Good morning, sir. Would you like to blow a bubble?
Patrick: How much is it?
SpongeBob: One quarter.
Patrick: Sounds reasonable. Uhh...
[whispering]
Patrick: I'm going to have to borrow a quarter.
SpongeBob: Here you go.
[Hands Patrick a quarter]
Patrick: Ah, one quarter.
[Gives it back to SpongeBob; he tests it to see if it's real, then puts it in his pocket]
SpongeBob: Thank you.
Squidward: Hmm. Business is booming.

Squidly: Perhaps a soothing limerick will calm thee.
[sings]
Squidly: There once was a dragon so handsome and smart/ He let me go free, for he had a big heart.
[jellyfish dragon zaps him]
Squidly: Everyone be-eth a critic.

Squidward: SpongeBob where's my lemonade?

Squidly: [singing] Oh hear me, King, for I must sing, how you are the greatest at everything, like letting a dragon burn down our city, a horrible sight that wasn't pretty, twas all your fault and tis a pity...
[King Krabs reacts in shock. Squidly does a somersault]
Squidly: You are bad, you are to blame, now hang your kingly head in shame
[He shakes his posterior mockingly at the king while SpongeBob and Patrick laugh]
Squidly: La la, la la, la la, la la, la la la la, la la, la la!
[Squidly dances with them]
Squidly,25819: [singing] The king is bad, the king's to blame! He hangs his kingly head in shame!

Mermaid: That guy over there used to be the Atomic Flounder. I know he doesn't look like much now, but he could go back to crime
[snaps fingers]
Mermaid: just like that
[Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy chuckle; SpongeBob suddenly tackles the Atomic Flounder]
Atomic: Help, somebody there!
SpongeBob: You're under arrest, Atomic Flounder!
Mermaid: No, lad! Don't!
SpongeBob: But you said he could turn back to crime
[snaps fingers]
SpongeBob: like that.
Atomic: What? Get off me! If I weren't retired I'd... I'd... Roar!
[Breathes radiation on Barnacle Boy's face, burning it]
Atomic: ...do that.

Squidward: SpongeBob, the remote's broken. Get over here and fix it.
[SpongeBob hurls the cardboard television into the air, jumps onto Squidward and pokes him on the nose emphatically]
SpongeBob: [irritably] I have a better idea: why don't I get someone whose *job* it is to fix it? See, 'cause when I need a *job* done, I get somebody with a *job* to do that *job*!
[Squidward narrows his eyes]
Squidward: [suspiciously] What are you saying?
SpongeBob: Aaaaah!
[SpongeBob screams loudly and furiously and pushes Squidward's bed to the Krusty Krab]

Mr. Krabs: [after getting his saliva all over the walls after laughing hysterically, melting the paint] Aw, crud! I really gotta learn to say it, not spray it.

SpongeBob: Patrick, I think you should see a doctor.
Patrick: I can't see a doctor. My job doesn't cover health insurance.
SpongeBob: What job would that be?
Patrick: Exactly.

Patrick: We should've used glue instead of earwax.
SpongeBob: Especially since neither of us have ears.

SpongeBob: Did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronzefish.

SpongeBob: [At Mrs. Puff's boating school arranging his pencils] Excuse me, Miss?
Nancy: I don't want to have to report you again.
SpongeBob: [laughs and points to the 'Homework' pencil while the other two pencils say 'Quiz' and 'Essay'] I was just wondering... . Is the homework pencil on the left side of the paper next to the quiz pencil, or over on the right side all by itself? Or...
Nancy: I think it goes stuck inside your... .
SpongeBob: Wait, I got it! The quiz pencil goes right over here next to the essay pencil
[moves the pencil]
SpongeBob: and the essay pencil gets turned sideways toward the notepad,
[turns it sideways]
SpongeBob: just in case I have to write an essay.

SpongeBob: [reading dumpster] Krabs is a -
[dolphin chirps]
Janitor: [annoyed] Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
SpongeBob: Well, sometimes, but not... recently.

Patrick: Hey, you're a turkey!
SpongeBob: What's that?
Patrick: It's what you are!
SpongeBob: Yeah? Well, you're a bigger one!
Patrick: Well, you're still yellow! And you know what else is yellow?
SpongeBob: What?
Patrick: You are!

Patrick: The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
[thought bubble for Patrick shows a carton of milk tipping over and spilling]

Barnacle: [after Mermaid Man has summoned everyone from the retirement home] The creatures of the deep seem to have lost some of their luster.

Squidward: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes?
Squidward: You know I hate you, right?
SpongeBob: Yes. Yes I do.
Squidward: Well, I hate the smell of burning Krabby Patties more.
[He takes SpongeBob's hand and gets down on one pair of knees]
Squidward: Please come back and be the fry cook again.

[last lines]
Patrick: Hey Mac, What you in for?

Squidward: Get out of my body! GO!
Patrick: Grow?
[hits the grow button]
Squidward,25819: [split screen shows Sandy on the left, Squidward in the middle and SponeBob on the right] NO!

[SpongeBob accidentally flooded Mr. Krabs' house with his personal supply of root beer]
Mr. Krabs: [surveying the damage] Me knickknacks! Me root beer! Me pile of old newspapers! I was maybe gonna read that someday!
[to Pearl]
Mr. Krabs: I knew I shouldn't have trusted you!
Pearl: [angrily] Trusted ME?
[holds up SpongeBob]
Pearl: Your employee destroyed this house! The only boy at the party!
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: [sheepishly] Well, Mr. Krabs, you know how boys are.
Pearl: [to Mr. Krabs] It's your fault my party is ruined, and now all my friends have zombie shock syndrome!
Girlfriend: [rocking back and forth] I'm too pretty to be a zombie!
Pearl: We were fine with a nice simple slumber party. But now, it's gonna cost you!
Mr. Krabs: Cost me what?
Pearl: [sinister tone] Money...
Mr. Krabs: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Patrick: Hey, we are not chicken!
[Drops bucket of popcorn]
Patrick: My popcorn!
[Pecks popcorn like a chicken]

SpongeBob: You okay Patrick?
Patrick: Finland!

Squidward: [after the bus crashes in Atlantis] You nymwits haven't been here for 2 minutes, and you've already ruined someone's topiary garden!

Fish: Hey, Fred.
Fish: Hey, Tom. Wanna go to the Krusty Krab?
Fish: Nah, let's go to the Shell Shack. They've got a talking dog.
Fish: Great. Say, what's a dog?

Squidward: [Patrick gets close to Squidward in the well] Stop standing so close to me Patrick, you're making me claustrophobic.
Patrick: What does that mean?
SpongeBob: It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.
Patrick: HO HO HO! Hehehe...

Squidward: He's an inanimate object. His money's no good here.
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [Comes out of the cash register] What are you saying, Mr. Squidward? Everyone's money is good here.
[Cut to an escaped convict eating a Krabbby Patty]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: At the Krusty Krab, we serves all kinds.
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I'm not taking an order for a bubble!
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Sure you are, or I'll fill your life with misery and woe.
[Goes back inside the register, then pops out again]
Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Even if you quit.

SpongeBob: [to Mr. Krabs] : Let's see what other nice people are saying.
[He walks out of Mr. Krabs office. Moments later, SpongeBob is standing in front of the bulletin board, screaming and clutching his head]
SpongeBob: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Dave: What are you shrieking about?
[SpongeBob hurriedly covers a space of the bulletin board]
SpongeBob: [evasively] Nothing, I just love to shriek! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Squidward: Will you two shut up?

Pink: Our gums are black, our teeth are falling out / We've got spots on our back, so give it up and shout / We've got scurvy, we need some vitamin C / We've got scurvy, we need a lemon tree / We've got scurvy, we're just chillin' on the sea.

SpongeBob: What is air?
Patrick: Huh?
SpongeBob: I just met this girl. She wears a hat full of... air.
Patrick: Do you mean she puts on airs?
SpongeBob: I guess so.
Patrick: That's just fancy talk. If you wanna be fancy, hold your pinky up, like this. The higher you hold it, the fancier you are.
SpongeBob: [Holds up pinky] How's this?
Patrick: Higher.
SpongeBob: [holds his pinky up higher] Like this?
Patrick: Now that's fancy! They should call you SpongeBob FancyPants.

SpongeBob: [after almost drowning in water] I ripped my pants.
Sandy: [angry] That wasn't funny Spongebob. You had me worried sick!

Patrick: Where is everybody?
SpongeBob: I don't know. Home, probably. Class doesn't start until nine.
Patrick: [Looks at watch] 6:20? But I thought you said you were late.
SpongeBob: Late for being early.
Patrick: Hey! When did I start wearing a watch?

SpongeBob: I am confident in my abilities to successfully succeed.

Fish: Oh, these aren't homemade. They were made in a factory. A *bomb* factory. They're bombs.

Plankton: [in disguise] Are you SpongeBob SquarePants?
SpongeBob: [looking in a mirror] Why, yes. Yes, I am.
Plankton: Then you've just won one million dollars!
[SpongeBob gasps with delight]
Plankton: You just have to answer one question. What is the Krabby Patty secret formula?
[SpongeBob inhales]
Plankton: Yes?
[SpongeBob inhales more]
Plankton: Yes?
[SpongeBob inhales even more]
Plankton: Yes?
SpongeBob: [in one breath] The Krabby Patty formula is the sole property of the Krusty Krab and is only to be discussed in part or in whole with its creator, Mr. Krabs. Duplication of this formula is punishable by law. Restrictions apply, results may vary.

SpongeBob: Good morning, world! I'm ready!
[Camera pans away from SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: World?

SpongeBob: Oh, tartar sauce.

Jim: Well, Krabs, it looks like you got yourself another sucker. The kid is good, but he'll only be great when he finally gets the guts to leave this dump. Good luck, SpongeBob. You're gonna need it.
SpongeBob: The Krusty Krabs isn't a dump.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, she's a dump all right, but she's my dump.

Sandy: SpongeBob's acting jumper then a rattlesnake in a pickle barral.

SpongeBob: And now, with the addition of two - Count'em, two - marshmallows.

Squilliam: On your lunch break, eh Squidie?
Squidward: Uhh... duh... I... um... hey, whatcha been up to?
Squilliam: Oh, just exceeding in everything *you* failed in.
Squidward: You are no great gib, Squilliam Fancyson. Anyone could be a bigshot in a hicktown like Bikini Bottom.
Squilliam: Oh, yeah? Well let's hear what you've accomplished since high school.
Squidward: Don't be intimidated, Squidward. Just picture him in his underwear... Oh, no, he's hot!

Mr. Krabs: I appreciate you, Squidward.
Squidward: [sarcastically] Now I feel complete.

SpongeBob: I better call a doctor... 'cause I've got spring fever!

ManRay: Fear not, SpongeBob. Your teachings have transformed me. Besides, I have checks with little poodles on them.

[Mrs. Puff, who has concealed herself with a ski mask, drives away in SpongeBob's new boat. Unbeknownst to her, SpongeBob is sleeping peacefully beneath her. Finally he wakes up. He opens his eyes and looks at the sky]
SpongeBob: Hey, I'm driving!
[Puzzled, he and Mrs. Puff look at each other and scream. SpongeBob squeezes himself from out underneath Mrs. Puff. The pufferfish drives on]
SpongeBob: Who are you and what are you doing with my boat, and why are wearing that ski mask? Because you're not skiing? Oh my gosh, I know who you are!
Mrs. Poppy Puff: [scared] No you don't! You don't know who I am!
SpongeBob: Yes, I do. I know that you're... a boat-jacker!
[He gets out a can of pepper spray]
SpongeBob: I never thought I'd have to use this pepper spray.
[He squeezes the pepper spray, but he points it in the wrong direction by mistake and pepper sprays his own eyes. He squeals in pain]
SpongeBob: SOMEBODY HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME!
[Mrs. Puff punts SpongeBob out of the boat]
Mrs. Poppy Puff: Sorry, SpongeBob, but it was for your own good.
[She notices to her alarm that SpongeBob is pacing her on a unicycle]

SpongeBob: Are you ready to go crazy?
Patrick: I'm already hearing voices!

Mr. Krabs: Status report?
SpongeBob: The whole ship is underwater.
Mr. Krabs: [Disappointed] Arrgh.

Old: Hey you!
SpongeBob: Top of the morning oldster.
Old: Hey, I saw you on TV last night.
[Cuts to Old Man Jenkins watching a Bran Flakes commercial]
SpongeBob: You did!
Old: Yeah, you were on a commercial.
SpongeBob: You're right! Wow, he recognized me.
Old: [while Spongebob walks away] Yep, see you later Bran Flakes. What a nice cereal box.

SpongeBob: This is a dime?

[last lines]
SpongeBob: [now ripped in half by the gorilla] Patrick? Sandy?
Patrick,120222: [in unison, tied in a sack] Yes, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: I'm sorry I caused all this. I'm not scared of going outside anymore, but I'm terrifed of gorillas now.
Sandy: Oh, that's alright, SpongeBob. Us too.
SpongeBob: You know what I don't understand though?
SpongeBob: [other half] What?
SpongeBob: What's a gorilla doing underwater in the first place?
[the gorilla's eyes widen up in shock]
Gorilla: [nervously] Well, that's funny, you should - I mean, you see that - George, they're onto us!
George: Let's get out of here!
[the gorilla and the horse run away into the sunset as Sandy, Patrick, and SpongeBob watch them, a family is watching this as the mom and dad look at each other, the dad shuts off the TV as the screen goes to black]

SpongeBob: [singing] Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Patrick: I don't know, a wizard?

[Squidward lumbers into SpongeBob's living room with a vacant look on his face]
Patrick: SpongeBob, what's happening?
SpongeBob: I don't know.
[Squidward's eyelids get heavy. Still standing, he drifts off and starts snoring. SpongeBob forms into the shape of a mattress and quickly catches the octopus, who collapses face first onto him. Muttering in his sleep, Squidward fluffs SpongeBob's eyes like they're pillows]
SpongeBob: [compassionately] Aww, the poor guy was just sleepy.

SpongeBob: [after Squidward has accidentally injected him with snail plasma] Don't worry Gary, Squidward says I'll be fine, he knows everything, so you hungry?
Gary: [jumps up in excitement] Meow-how!
[Spongebob gives Gary some snail food but decides to try it he likes it and eats more]
SpongeBob: [tosses Gary the empty bowl] Here you go eat up!
Gary: [looks at the empty bowl] Meow?
SpongeBob: Sorry Gary I couldn't control myself!
[burps]
SpongeBob: Meow! Why did I just do that? am I cracking up?
Gary: Meow!
SpongeBob: No, no Squidward's right, I'm fine I-I worry too much, it's all in my head
[walks slowly towards the kitchen with Gary out walking him]
SpongeBob: Gary you're getting
[speaks in a slow low voice]
SpongeBob: a lot faster!
[walks into the bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror]
SpongeBob: Look at me, look at me, never better, better!
[his head throbs]
SpongeBob: I'm okay Squidward says I'm fine!
[his eyeballs pop out and grow into stalks like Gary's as he screams in terror]
SpongeBob: Gary...
[pants heavily]
SpongeBob: I'm fine!
[falls to the floor screaming in agony]
SpongeBob: Yooooooooull see!
[his arm shrivels up and goes into his body and his sleeve bounces away]
SpongeBob: That's okay I'm a lefty anyway
[his other arm and his legs shrivel up and go into his body]
SpongeBob: Ha, ha now Idon't have to buy those new shoes
[his body stretches and contorts into a snail shape]
SpongeBob: I take it back Gary something is wrong with meeeeeow!

SpongeBob: [Sadly] I can't believe they're all gone.
Plankton: [Disagreeing] You wouldn't want all those copies of you around. They were just imitations anyway.
SpongeBob: [Surprised] Hey, those imitations were my friends.
Plankton: [Replies] One SpongeBob is more than the world can handle anyway. You're a unique snowflake.
SpongeBob: [Agreeing] Yeah, thanks, Plankton. Things did get a bit out of hand with all those me's around.

Mr. Krabs: Presents for me darlin' little sardine. Here you are.
Pearl: Oh, thank you, daddy! What is it! It wouldn't be those totally hip new flipper slippers all my friends are wearing, would they? Everyone's wearing them.
Mr. Krabs: Well, it could be.
Pearl: [Opening present] Whee! Oh, daddy, you shouldn't have! Yay, you shouldn't have!
[the present turns out to be rubber boots]
Pearl: I mean, dad, you really shouldn't have!
[Pearl's friends laugh]
Mr. Krabs: But Pearl, those are the finest fishing boots available.
Pearl: [Crying] Oh, dad, you ruined me! Waah!
Mr. Krabs: But I got them at a bargain!
Pearl: [Louder] Waaaah!

Sandy: That SpongeBob, who does he think he is? I taught that yellow egomaniac everything he knows, and that ain't much.
SpongeBob: [In distance] No!
Sandy: SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Aah!
Sandy: SpongeBob is the King of Karate. He can handle it by himself.
SpongeBob: Sandy, help me! I can't handle this by myself!
Sandy: Hold on, SpongeBob!

[much to Squidward's annoyance, "Fab and Fancy" has been cancelled in favor of "The Guitar Lord"]
Zeus: Hey. I'm Zeus the Guitar Lord. I don't have a guitar yet. But if I did, I would want a really killer one like this!
[pulls out a paper, showing a red guitar]
Squidward: [scoffs, upset] He obviously doesn't know the first thing about music! This is an outrage!
Zeus: [shows his phone number: "1-32G-LORD"] So, here's my number if you want to talk about...
[phone rings]
Zeus: Hello?
Squidward: [angrily] Where is my "Fab and Fancy"?
Zeus: Your... what?
Squidward: I'm quite certain you wouldn't know culture if it bit you on the guitar!
Zeus: Uh... hummm... I don't have a guitar.
Squidward: Do they just give a show to just anybody over there?
Zeus: Pretty much. My mom gave me this one for my birthday.
Squidward: [surprised] Really?
Zeus: Yeah. I wanted a guitar or a star named after me... but you know, whatever. I guess a TV show is cool.
Squidward: It's that easy?
[hangs up phone and dials a number]
Squidward: Hello? Bikini Bottom Public Access?
[excitedly]
Squidward: Give me a TV show! Give me a TV show! I want a show!

Squilliam: Squidward Tenticales has the fanciest restaurant in Bikini Bottom... and he does not suck eggs.

Sandy: I'm hotter than a hickory-smoked sausage!

Purple: Well, Mr. Squarepants, it appears you have the suds.
SpongeBob: You're not gonna make me read old magazines, are you?
Purple: No silly, you get the sponge treatment. Oh, Hans.
[Hans takes Spongebob and uses him to clean different things]
SpongeBob: [while being cleaned by Hans] I can smell again.
SpongeBob: [after the sponge treatment] That was great, I love the doctor.
Hans: Here's your lollipop.
Patrick: A lollipop? Hey doc, I have the suds too.
Purple: Oh *yes*, Dr. Patrick. We have a special treatment for you, too.
Patrick: [while Hans is cleaning Patrick on a cactus] Ouch! That hurts.
Patrick: [Hans is about to clean a toilet with Patrick] What are you doing?
Patrick: Hey! This doesn't seem right!

Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward. We all came as soon as we were sure you were dead.

Sandy: I love karate.
SpongeBob: I love kara-te.
Mr. Krabs: I love money-e.
Squidward: I hate all of you.

SpongeBob: Death row. Next in line, speaking.
Patrick: Hi, I'd like to place an order for delivery.
SpongeBob: [surprised] Patrick, is that you?
Patrick: Yeah, hey, Mario. Let me get a large double olive, doub...
SpongeBob: Patrick, listen, it's me, Spongebob! I need your help!
Patrick: You working at Pizza Castle now?
SpongeBob: What? No, listen. I'm in big trouble. There's this new guy at school and he wants to kick my butt! Listen, you're big and strong. Do you think you can come down here and rough him off a bit, just to get him off my back? Please, Patrick! I'm so scared. I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
Patrick: No, they're not closed. I know you want olives.
SpongeBob: Patrick, are you there?
Patrick: Oh, I'm sorry, SpongeBob, but I was just talking to my old community college buddy: Flatts.
[Spongebob is terrified while Flats is seen at Patrick's rock sitting on his couch enjoying a beverage]
Patrick: I bumped into him at the soda store, isn't that funny? It must've been years since we've seen each other. Well, let me get going. He's gonna go back to school soon. He said he's gonna kick somebody's butt.
[Spongebob on the right side of a black background drops the phone and runs away screaming]
Patrick: Hello? Is this Pizza Castle?

SpongeBob: Wow! I've never been bait before. I don't believe I've seen a queen jellyfish, either.
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: Then I bet you've never used a queen jellyfish call before.
[Gives SpongeBob a whistle; he blows on it and it sounds like "Loser"]
SpongeBob: Hey, I've heard this call before.
Kevin the Sea Cucumber: I'll bet you have.

Plankton: I'll never get the formula with Krabs popping in and out like that. I've got it! I've been saving this for a rainy day.
[holds up a penny]
Plankton: It looks like an ordinary penny, because it *is* an ordinary penny! That fool Krabs is too greedy to resist you, my little pretty.

SpongeBob: [in a mattress store] Wow, look at all these mattresses! How many do you think here are?
Patrick: [looks around the store] Ten.
SpongeBob: Cool.

SpongeBob: Okay, I am 389th in line! I repeat, 389th!

Spongbob: Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for?
SpongeBob: You don't pay me. We don't even exist. We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought.

Plankton: I don't get it! I turn the Krusty Krab into an ice cube, and he turns it into an ice rink! He's making more money than ever!
Karen: That's because, unlike you, he's a good businessman.
Plankton: Well, if it isn't the wind beneath my wings.
Karen: I can't understand why you just don't steal a Krabby Patty in all the confusion?
Plankton: I'll be right back.
Karen: I don't know why I encourage him.

SpongeBob: Squidward, can I talk to you for one second?
Squidward: I don't know. That's a pretty long talk.
SpongeBob: Has anything ever happened at your job that... well, made it not as fun as it used to be?
Squidward: Actually, yes.
SpongeBob: Really? What was it?
Squidward: Being hired.

Squidward: Let me guess. It's at home... under your mattress.
[Mr. Krabs gasps, then runs home at top speed]
Mr. Krabs: Curse you, Squidward!

Mr. Krabs: I don't get it. If a free salad bar won't bring in new customers... what will?

[Squidward arrives at the Krusty Krab and lethargically opens the door]
Squidward: Sorry I'm late, I...
[He sees a crowd of people lying in a pile. Other people are running around screaming or just acting plain insane]
Squidward: Um... back to bed.

Doodle: You doodle! Me Spongebob.

SpongeBob: [Falling in Sandy's dream] What's going on?
Sandy: Well, we're free-falling from a height of 114,000 feet and are about to land on that itty-bitty target.
SpongeBob: That sounds kinda dangerous!
Sandy: Not as long as you got a big ol' parachute.
SpongeBob: Okay!
[Inflates his shoes]
Sandy: Not pair of shoes, SpongeBob. Para-chute.
SpongeBob: Gotcha!
[Pulls out a parakeet]
Sandy: Not parakeet, para...
[Lands on a truck of clam manure]
Sandy: ... medic.

Squidward: [responding to the statement] THEN GO FIX THEM!

Patrick: Hold it right there, DadMom AngryPants!
SpongeBob: What's that supposed to mean?
Patrick: I don't know. but I do know Gary knows who he wants to go with. Now I suggest you put him down and let *him* choose.
SpongeBob: Fine, but I would like to remind *him* who it was that fed him, and housed him, and sat at his bedside when he was sick, and massaged his eyestalks when his eyes were sore. Okay, Gary, go ahead, show him. Okay, Gary, come to me! Come on! Come on, Gary! Come on, come here, Gary!
[Gary turns around]
SpongeBob: Oh, uh, wr-wrong way, Gary.
[sad music starts; Gary moves closer to Patrick]
SpongeBob: G-Gary, turn around, Gary, turn around. Gary, no.
[growing sad]
SpongeBob: Gary, no! No, no, no! Don't do it, Gary!
[falls over and cries]
SpongeBob: No, Gary!
[Gary climbs onto Patrick]
Patrick: Well, well, well - I guess that answers that question. So long, SpongeBob. Gary and me got stuff to do.
[walks away]
SpongeBob: Okay, fine! If that's the way you want to thank me...
[crying]
SpongeBob: for all that I've done.
[Pat's rock falls down into place. Cut to Sponge's darkened room where Sponge is on his bed looking down at Gary's bowl. He sheds a tear into it]

SpongeBob: First go like this, spin around - stop! Double-take three times... one, two, three. Then... pelvic thrust! Woo! Woo! Stop on your right foot - Don't forget it! Now it's time to bring it around town. Bring it around town! Then you do this, and that, this and that, and this and that, and then...
[blows bubble]

[During Patrick's parents' visit,Spongebob appears at the door pretending to be and dressing like a fool]
Patrick: Horray! The idiot's here! I mean, I'll get it!

SpongeBob: [Gary duped SpongeBob up in a tree and swiped his ladder] Gary! Bring that ladder back this instant!
[the ladder falls]
SpongeBob: I am really not amused, mister! You are going to take a bath, and you are going to get clean right now!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: I am *so* the boss of you!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: It may be a free country, but you live in my house under my rules!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Don't use that tone of voice with me. You will do what I say, when I say!
[Gary slithers closer to the mud puddle]
SpongeBob: What are you doing? I am talking to you, mister! Do not go near that mud puddle! Gary the snail, do you hear me? I am giving you three seconds to get away from that mud puddle! One...
[Gary inches closer]
SpongeBob: Two...
[Gary inches closer]
SpongeBob: Two and a half... Don't make me say three!
[Gary leans over the puddle]
SpongeBob: Gary! Gary! Gary!
[falls off the tree]
SpongeBob: GARY!
[splats in the mud]
SpongeBob: I'm a dirty boy.

Squidward: This is an outrage! I no longer tolerate my personal items being soiled by the ravels that crawls in this restaurant! I demand a place to put my stuff!
Mr. Krabs: Hmm... Okay, uhhh, I suppose you could put it with the nacho cheese. No one's got near that in years.
Squidward: You ever read this?
[Hands out a book]
Mr. Krabs: [reading] "Bikini Bottom Labor Regulations"? Ewww! GROSS!
[grows hives]
Mr. Krabs: GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME! IT'S GIVING ME HIVES!
Squidward: It specifically states that all employers must provide his or her employees with a secure, clean place to store personal property.
Mr. Krabs: Gahh! Blast you, Squidward! You drive a hard bargain. I guess I could rustle something up for ya.

Internal: [Enters] We'll shut you dirty dancing cops down.
Internal: It's time to pop it...
[He puts a cap on his head]
Internal: ... And lock it.

SpongeBob: My name is SpongeBob.
Patrick: And I am Professor Patrick.
SpongeBob: Professor?
Patrick: *Doctor* Professor Patrick. Don't mind him. You know how interns are.

Squidward: [trapped behind his own imitation of SpongeBob] Let me out! Let me out!

Nat: You think this is funny?
Plankton: In a cosmic sort of way, yes.
Nat: Well, Mr. Funny Man, is this how you get your sick kicks?
[Nat shows Plankton a Krabby Patty]
Plankton: What? It's just an ordinary Krabby-
[Scene zooms in to show the patty made with gross-out items]
Plankton: OH, MY GOODNESS! *SQUIDWARD!*

Plankton: Surrender that ice-cream cone, or every waking moment for you will become a swirling torrent of pain and misery!

Sergeant: What are you supposed to be learning in this class?
SpongeBob: To drive?
Sergeant: Affirmative, but before you can learn to drive, you must first learn to crawl, then you can learn to walk, and then to run. But before you can learn to walk, you must first learn to crawl. I want you to crawl!

SpongeBob: Sorry to interrupt your gloating, sir. I just thought it would be pertinent for you to know that Plankton is laying on the street, forlorn.
Mr. Krabs: Really? He's a mess!
[laughs out loud]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I know you and Plankton are sworn enemies and all, but putting on a dress to frighten him? Isn't that taking it a little *too* far?
Mr. Krabs: [ignoring him] Need I remind you of the fact that you've disclosed the location of me safe, where I keep the secret formula?
SpongeBob: No need to remind me, sir. I broke Rule #2 of the Krusty Krab Rule Book: Never disclose the location of the secret formula! Don't worry, sir. I can fix this.

[Mr. Krabs hears Spongebob and Patrick laughing while they make faces at each other when Spongebob is supposed to be working]
Mr. Krabs: Ooh. I know that sound. It's the sound of me money being flushed down the toilet!

SpongeBob: [the lightbulb flies through the air] The lightbulb! Without its warmth Roger will die!
Patrick: [Roger's egg flies through the air] Roger! Without him the lightbulb will have nothing to warm!

Mr. Krabs: I've spent a lifetime in this restaurant, and I know there's only one way out of here.
Patrick: A high school diploma?

SpongeBob: A master of acid wit like P-Star7 would never express himself so clumsily!

Patrick: [he has been sent to get Rodger a new light bulb] Light bulb!
[he looks at the pile of light bulbs then looks up at the light bulb screwed in and going at the top of the pile of light bulbs]
Patrick: But why does it have to be so far away?

SpongeBob: [while thousands of dollars are being dispersed amongst the children] Where's Mr. Krabs? He's missing out on all the summer fun.
Mr. Krabs: [being tied to two poles] Let me go! I gotta get some of that green stuff!
Mr. Krabs: [a thug gives him a spoonful of lima beans] NO! Not THAT green stuff!
[as a dump truck full of lima beans is about to dump on him; sobbing]
Mr. Krabs: NOOOOO!

Sandy: You're in the soup now, Udon!

Gordon: [the vikings have kidnapped Spongebob and Squidward] Now that you're part of our crew, I guess we should introduce ourselves.
[punches one viking on the chest]
Gordon: This is Olaf.
[slaps another viking on the chest]
Gordon: And this is Olaf.
[points to another viking]
Gordon: And this is Olaf.
[points to another viking]
Gordon: This... is Olaf, Olaf, Olaf, Olaf...
[comes up to one more viking; tries to think]
Gordon: And... um...
Olaf: [grunting] Olaf.
Gordon: Olaf.
Squidward: So, let me guess: your name must be...
Gordon: That's right, Gordon.
Spongebob: Nice to meet ya.

Patrick: What's pink and square at the same time?
SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick.
Patrick: [Wearing SpongeBob's pants] Patrick SquarePants!

[while Squidward sleeps, Plankton walks casually to Mr. Krabs' office, wearing a headset]
Plankton: That's right, Karen. By the time those two knuckleheads figure it out, I'll be knee-deep in secret formula!... Yes, I'll wear my galoshes.

Captain: [to SpongeBob and Patrick] Why, you scurvy little scum-scrubber! You've ruined everything!
Squidward: Welcome to my world.

Karen: [after winning the fight with Karen 2] No one runs down my man. Planky, say something...
Plankton: Take me home, baby...
Karen: [succumbing to her wounds] Even though you are a tiny green loser, I could never stay... mad... at... you.
[Her screen turns off, and she falls to the ground, seemingly deceased]
Plankton: [mourning his lost wife] Karen! Don't you leave me, Karen. Not again!
[he opens up Karen 2.0's compartment, takes her battery out and places it in Karen's compartment, hoping to revive her]
Plankton: I hope this works... Oh, Karen, please wake up! I promise never to take you for granted again!
Karen: [Karen's screen shows a spinning hourglass, and then changes to her speaking line, she has come around] What happened?
Plankton: I had a reality check, that's what happened.

SpongeBob: Best friends?

Fish: You kidnapped us just to eat your fast food?
Plankton: Hey, it's a standard marketing technique.
[everyone leaves]
Fish: You little twerp!
Plankton: Hey!
Karen: He's right, you know.
Plankton: Karen? You think I'm a twerp?
Karen: Well, yes, but I was referring to the kidnapping.

Ween: Wanna learn how to tie your shoes? / It's a very easy thing to do. / Sit on down and I'll give you the scoop. / What's that? / It's called a "loop de loop." / You gotta take a lace in each hand. / You go over and under again. / You make a loop de loop and pull / And your shoes are lookin' cool. / You go over and back, left to right, / Loop de loop and you pull em tight. / Like bunny ears or a Christmas bow. / Lace 'em up and you're ready to go. / You make a loop de loop and pull / And your shoes are lookin' cool. / You make a loop de loop and pull / And your shoes are lookin' cool.

SpongeBob: [waiting on Bubble Buddy in the bathroom] It's his first time on his own.
Fish: [sarcastic] Congratulations.

Patrick: Maybe a story will cheer you up. It's called "The Ugly Barnacle": Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The End.

Sheldon J. Plankton: I see you... ZAP!
[shoots a laser from his eye]

Patrick: SpongeBob, I don't like it here. It's dark and scary. I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home. Look! I can't even tell the bathrooms apart!
[Close up of bathroom doors show one with a question mark, the other with an upside-down question mark]
SpongeBob: Uh, that's an easy one, Pat. Uh, just wait for someone to come out, and then you'll know.
[a weird, unidentifiable creature comes out of one of the bathrooms]
SpongeBob: Maybe we should wait for one more.
[More weird creatures come out of the bathrooms]
Patrick: I still can't read the sign! I wanna go home!

Flying: Now, stand back and watch me be... knotty.

SpongeBob: But Mister Krabs, there's no reason to worry. The Krusty Krab is the most perfect place in the universe.
Mr. Krabs: You really haven't got any brains at all, have you, son?

Mrs. Puff: [Seeing Spongebob win] If you want someone demolished, I guess you have to *Demolish* them *Yourself!

Mr. Krabs: [spots Spongebob about to give Plankton the formula] How could you do it Spongebob? Giving me secret formula to this impostor?
Plankton: Don't listen to him Spongebob. Remember: Ravioli, ravioli give me the formuoli
Mr. Krabs: Spongebob no, don't listen to him, I'm the real Mr. Krabs!
Plankton: Don't listen to him, he's obviously a robot.
[smoke comes out of the suit's exhaust pipe]
Mr. Krabs: Well if I were a robot, which I'm not, at least I'm well put together, not some rusted out, steam driven piece of junk!
Plankton: Who are you calling steam driven?
SpongeBob: Quiet!
[holds up a hose while breathing heavily and his eyes are bloodshot]
SpongeBob: Until I know who the real Mr.Krabs is, nobody moves
[reveals the hose is attatched to a machine dispensing tarter sauce]
SpongeBob: nobody gets hurt.

Mr. Krabs: Are you on allergy medication, boy?
SpongeBob: No, Mr. Krabs. I'm practicing my karate... or kara-te, as some call it.
Mr. Krabs: Kara-te? You should be making money-e, with your spatu-le.

Squidward: This is ridiculous! Who wants a krabby patty at three in the morning?
[cutaway to Patrick sleeping in his bed, alarm goes off]
Patrick: Oh, boy! Three AM!
[eats patty]

SpongeBob: Life's as extreme as you wanna make it!

Plankton: That's It Mister! You've just lost your brain privileges!

Squilliam: Well, Squiddy, this is exactly how I pictured your band would look.
[SpongeBob dances happily while flickering his tongue]
Squidward: That's his... eager face.

Sandy: I'm going to give that legless fiend what-fer, and there's nothing you can say that's gonna stop me.
SpongeBob: What if I said "blargen fa-diddle nachen?"
Sandy: Well, I gotta admit that's slowed me down.

Patrick: [In the bathroom talking to himself through the mirror] It's just a ride. What are you so scared about? You can do it!
Patrick: [His reflection responds] No, you can't. You're a big crybaby.
Patrick: [angrily punches his reflection. His reflection falls down to the ground] Why didn't we settle this the last time?

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [a Jaws-like theme plays in the soundtrack] SpongeBob, reel it in, quick! Can't you hear the music? That's a 4/4 string ostinato in D-minor! Every sailor knows it means death!

Patrick: Dumb people are always blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are. Uhhh...

Barnacle: What is it this time, kid?
SpongeBob: Are you aware that Drippy Brothers Studios is making the MermaidMan and BarnacleBoy movie?
Barnacle: They can't be making a movie about us!
SpongeBob: But they are! And they're using...
SpongeBob: [close-up of his mouth] ... actors.
[MermaidMan and BarnacleBoy gasp]
SpongeBob: They have shunned our heroes.
Patrick: And they weren't nice to them, either.

Squog: [yelling at SpongeGar for leaving Gary's slime everywhere] SpongeGar! SpongeGar! Manaka! No tabonga Gary pooga!
[Dino Gary rolls his eyes and slithers away as Squog displays a small pile of snail slime and points to his front walkway, covered in the snail goop]
Squog: Tabonga as a go o saila! Tabonga doo. Tabonga doo!
SpongeGar: Tabonga doo? Hmm... Tabonga doo...
[Squog reacts angrily and slips on Gary's slime causing him to slide away]

Patchy: [a hand rings a bell three times] Three bells! You know what that means, kids!
Kids: Free ice cream!
Patchy: [laughing] No, you silly livers...
[sternly]
Patchy: No!
Potty: Man overboard?
Patchy: You I'm ignoring.

Mr. Krabs: [On an old Krusty Krab commercial] I'm a doctor, as far as you know, and I believe Krabby Patties can add years to your life, and keep a positive attitude. So what are you waiting for? Go out and buy a Krabby Patty right now. Or a sack of Krabby Patties. Or better yet, go out and get yourself a case of the Krabbies... for your health.

[Spongebob is at the First Nautical Bank, wearing a sock over his head, with a bag in his hands, facing away from the bank teller]
SpongeBob: Alright, put the money in the bag! PUT IT IN!
Bank: Umm, you're facing the wrong way, sir.
SpongeBob: [laughs, then turns around to face teller] ALRIGHT, GIVE ME THE MONEY!
Bank: Will that be from your savings or your checking account, sir?
SpongeBob: Uhh, savings.
Bank: May I please see some identification?
SpongeBob: Sure.
[he hands teller his Jellyfishers Club Membership card]
SpongeBob: Here ya go.
Bank: Thank you.
[briefly types on cash register]
Bank: Sir, we are showing a balance of $0.00 for both of your accounts.
SpongeBob: Oh.
Bank: Next!

Mermaid: [Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy crash through Spongebob's house] Mermaid Man!
Barnacle: [groggily] and Bobbicle -
[falls flat on his face]

SpongeBob: Gary!
[cuts to Puffy Fluffy holding Gary in his mouth]
SpongeBob: You put Puffy Fluffy down right now!

Squidward: [Curls into a ball and rocks back and forth] Future... Future... Future...
[Spongetron drops a brick on his head]
Squidward: ... Thanks.

[Spongebob is wearing pink underwear and Patrick is wearing yellow ones]
Patrick: You know, these were white when I bought them.

Squidward: Are you going to order something or just make friends with the paneling?

SpongeBob: Oh, Okay! How about THIS!
[shows a newspaper with the job listings]

[Talking about the advantages of being felons]
SpongeBob: And you get to talk tough.
[gruff voice]
SpongeBob: This town ain't big enough for the two of us.
Patrick: Let me try. Uh... hey, punk.

[repeated line]
Squidward: I've never had a Krabby Patty!

SpongeBob: Squidward, we don't need television! Not as long as we have our imaginaaaaaaaation!

Squidward: I'm gonna do what you said... but I'm gonna resent it.

Fred: MY HEAD AND TORSO! Wow, that's crazy. They hit me everywhere except MY LEGS!

Male: Hey, wait a minute! Aren't you the same guy who was giving away those rotten chum samples before?
Plankton: Oh, that wasn't me. That was... uh... my... brother-in-law! Yeah, er, Flankton!
Male: Oh, okay.

Squidward: Gee, Mr. Krabs, you sure are taking total bankruptcy well.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, it's just a bad dream. I'll wake up soon.
[SpongeBob and Squidward share worried glances]
Squidward: Uh... "dream"?
Mr. Krabs: Sure. I'm still in the hospital sleeping like a baby!
SpongeBob: Umm, you checked out of the hospital this morning.
Squidward: Here's the bill.
Mr. Krabs: You mean... I'm awake?
[He screams]

Narrator: [Closing lines] Well, it looks like Patchy's pretty busy at the moment, so I'll say it for him. Good night...
Narrator: [as the red "Happy Holidays" writes out in front of the house] and happy holidays.

[SpongeBob cleans the Krusty Krab while Squidward rests in a chair. He checks the bucket he put the secret Krabby Patty formula in and finds it empty. He panics and searches frantically around the office]
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, have you seen the Krabby Patty Secret Formula?
[He looks underneath Squidward's chair. The octopus smiles contentedly and doesn't budge. SpongeBob lifts the money chest. It falls on him with a crash. Squidward bounces off of the chair but he's too relaxed to care]
SpongeBob: I put it right here in this circular file cabinet.
[Squidward opens one eye. He then opens the other eye and sits up]
Squidward: That's a trash can, you nitwit.
[He lays back and closes both eyes again, but realizes quickly that SpongeBob just threw away...]
Squidward: The formula!

SpongeBob: I'm going on my lunch break Mr. Krabs
Mr. Krabs: You've got five minutes!
SpongeBob: Wow, one more minute than yesterday!

SpongeBob: In one day, I've gone from Good Noodle to Bad Egg! It's all Stupid Patrick's fault. I hate you, Patrick.
Patrick: I hate you more.
SpongeBob: I'd hate you no matter what!
Patrick: Yeah? Well, I'd hate you even if I didn't hate you!
SpongeBob: I'd hate you even if that made sense!
Patrick: I'd hate you even if you were me! That's how much I hate you!
SpongeBob: I'd hate you, even if, uhh... Um, I'd hate you even if the light bulb keeping Roger alive went out!
[Suddenly, Roger's lightbulb stops working]
SpongeBob: Huh?
[Both begin to shiver in fright as they try to ignore each other but get more and more worried as they see Roger start to freeze; SpongeBob begins to cry]
SpongeBob: I'm sorry I called you a stupid star!
Patrick: [also crying] I'm sorry I got you in trouble and got you moved to the back of the class and got your Good Noodle Star removed and shot the spitballs...
SpongeBob: I'm sorry your apology is so long!
Patrick: Me too! Let's save Roger!

SpongeBob: But you're Patrick *Star*. You could do anything you want!
Patrick: That's easy for you to say. You're Sponge*Bob*.

SpongeBob: Hey, that's my teacher, Mrs. Puff.
Mr. Krabs: Mrs. Puff? Aw, she's married.
SpongeBob: Oh, no, Mr. Krabs. She's single.
Mr. Krabs: Then what happened to Mr. Puff?
[flash cut of a puffer fish lamp]
SpongeBob: She doesn't like to talk about it.

Squidward: You did this, SquarePants! If you don't get Mr. Krabs' mattress back from the dump, I am going to murd...
[the officer clears his throat]
Squidward: Help you do it myself.

SpongeBob: Got your secret recipe, Mr. Krabs. You have no idea that went through to get here.

[SpongeBob has just fallen of the edge of a cliff]
Fish: Good riddence, dreamer!

SpongeBob: Safe.

[as punishment for meddling with her slumber party, Pearl uses Mr. Krabs' money to throw a private party at Goo Lagoon; many guests are there except Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob]
Pearl: [addressing the crowd] Everyone having a good time?
[crowd cheers]
Pearl: Well, you can all thank my dad for making this possible.
[calls out to Mr. Krabs, who is very far away behind a velvet rope where a security guard watches him]
Pearl: Thank you, daddy!
Mr. Krabs: [calling back] You're welcome, sweetie! Oh, this is so expensive!
Security: You're not allowed any closer, sir.
SpongeBob: [walking up] Mr. Krabs, I think I know what'll cheer you up.
[he puts a drinking glass under his armpit and squirts some root beer into it]
SpongeBob: A mug of ice cold root beer!
Mr. Krabs: No, SpongeBob, that doesn't cheer me up at all!

SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs. I thought Plankton had changed.
Mr. Krabs: Don't blame yourself, boy. No friendship can withtstand the allure of a Krabby Patty. Now, let's go back to the Krusty Krab and have a fresh one, on me.
SpongeBob: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Well, maybe at a discount.

SpongeBob: [from the "SpongeHenge segement] Hey, anyone out there! You dropped your goulash! Hello?

Mr. Krabs: [barricades the freezer] There is no ice! There's never been any ice. Ice is just a myth.
Cop: Step aside. You people act like you've committed a murder.
Mr. Krabs: Okay, I'll confess. Spongebob killed him!
SpongeBob: What? You can't pin this whole rap on me!
Mr. Krabs: He was insane. Out of control! He would've killed me too if you hadn't come along.
SpongeBob: It was all Mr. Krabs' idea.
Mr. Krabs: Put him down now! He's a mad dog!
SpongeBob: He wears curlers to bed!
Mr. Krabs: Wait! It's not what you think!

Patrick: Opposite Day? Hey, I've heard of that.
SpongeBob: You have?
Patrick: No, what is it?

[Spongebob and Patrick have decided to use lies and flattery to sell their chocolate]
SpongeBob: [to Elderly Lady] Hello, "young" lady.
[winks at Patrick]
SpongeBob: We're selling chocolates. Is your mother home?
Elderly: [shouts] Ma!
[tiny wrinkled worm of a fish in a wheelchair comes out of the house]
Even: What? What? What's all the yelling?
[SpongeBob and Patrick look at the mother with shock]
Even: You just can't wait for me to DIE, can you?

[Squidward is at the cash register reading a performance magazine when he notices SpongeBob beside him]
Squidward: [with a forced smile] SpongeBob, remember that little talk we had about personal space?
SpongeBob: It's okay, Squidward! I'm official!
[He gestures to his badge saying "Co-cashier"]
Squidward: "Co-cashier"?

SpongeBob: Good morning, Squidward.
Squidward: Says who?

Chocolate: [shouting] CHOCOLATE!
SpongeBob: No! No! Noooo!
Chocolate: AHAHAHA! FINALLY! I've been trying to catch you boys all day! Now that I've got you right where I want you...
Chocolate: [normal voice, holding up a pile of cash] I'd like to buy all your chocolate.
SpongeBob: [chocolate falls out of Patrick's pants and he and SpongeBob melt] Thank you for your patronage.

Sandy: One small step for squirrel...
SpongeBob: Wow...
[He suddenly trips over and rolls down the ramp, bowling over Pearl and Squidina]
SpongeBob: And one giant leap for spongekind!

SpongeBob: A customer ordered a medium soda, and I gave him a large! I gave him a large! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it! Soiled it!...

[Squidward's purebred snail, Snellie, lost the snail race to Patrick's pet rock, Rocky]
Patrick: [holding up the trophy he won] Don't worry, Squidward, I know how much you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you.
Squidward: Gosh, Patrick, thanks.
[reads the engraving]
Squidward: "The 1st Place Snail Racing Cup Presented to Squidward..."
[he notices that his last name has been misspelled as...]
Squidward: "... *Tortellini*"? Will I ever win?
[He good-naturedly laughs it off along with SpongeBob and Patrick]

Mr. Krabs: [after being given what is assumed to be his millionth dollar] Wait a minute. This isn't me millionth dollar.
[SpongeBob and Squidward look at each other in confusion]
Mr. Krabs: This is an ordinary dollar that's been crumpled up, torn slightly, soaked in the lagoon and kissed with Coral Blue #2 Semigloss lipstick.
SpongeBob: [applying the lipstick on] Actually, it's Coral Blue Number...
[Squidward bonks him on the head]

SpongeBob: Coming Squidward.

Squidward: Good evening, and welcome to the first Annual Squidward Tentacles Talent Show. Sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty... 'cause no one else would give it a home.

Patrick: [Patrick gets blasted by snow with a cannon] Hey! That's not fair! Cowboys couldn't afford cannons.
SpongeBob: They couldn't afford station wagons, either.
[fires a station wagon made out of snow on Patrick]
Patrick: Nice paneling.

Plankton: You can't do that to me! I went to college!

Conductor: And don't come back!

Squidward: A bubble bath? Why would I give you a bubble bath?
Patrick: Because Mr. Krabs said you would. Hope that you make my back extra shiny clean.
Squidward: [shouts] That's it, I've had enough.
[Walks out of bathroom]
Patrick: Squidward, wait. The toilet's backed up again.

[Spongebob, Patrick and Mr. Krabs arrive at Mr. Krabs' mother's home, where they pound on the front door]
SpongeBob: Mama Krabs! Mama Krabs!
Mama: [opening door] Well, hello there!
[Spongebob, Patrick and Mr. Krabs all explain the situation at the same time, swearing numerous times as they do so]
SpongeBob: Mama Krabs, he said
[points at Patrick; dolphin chirp]
SpongeBob: and then he said
[points at Mr. Krabs; dolphin chirps]
SpongeBob: and he said
[points at Patrick with both arms and one leg; dolphin chirps]
SpongeBob: again and he said
[seal barks]
SpongeBob: , and then he screamed at the top of his voice
[foghorn blows]
SpongeBob: !
Patrick: [overlapping] It was terrible.
SpongeBob: And he...
Mr. Krabs: [overlapping, angrily] Gah, they're a bunch of
[horn honks]
Mr. Krabs: liars!
SpongeBob: Mrs. Krabs, he didn't care! Such a stream of...
[seagull caws, foghorn, ship's bell]
Patrick: It was terrible!
SpongeBob: ...I have ever heard in my days!
Mama: [shocked] Oh, dear! My poor old heart.
[faints]
Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Oh, dear Mother! What have these foul-mouthed heathens done to you?
[takes a coin out of her pocket]
Mr. Krabs: You two should be ashamed! Making an old lady faint with your sailor talk!
Mama: [waking up] You should *all* be ashamed. And if you're going to talk like sailors, then you're going to *work* like sailors.

Thaddeus: I've got his clarinet!

SpongeBob: Why don't you go home, Patrick? You can compete in the Laying-Under-A-Rock-All-Day Games.
Patrick: Well, at least I don't polish my fingernails.
SpongeBob: You take that back!
[points at Patrick; a shine comes off the tip of his finger]
Patrick: Fingernails! Fingernails! Fingernails!
SpongeBob: You don't even have fingernails!
Patrick: I cannot believe what I'm hearing!
SpongeBob: How can you hear it? You don't have ears, either!
Patrick: You... you... Holes! Holes!
SpongeBob: Conehead!
Patrick: Yellow!
SpongeBob: Pink!

SpongeBob: [to Patrick as Squidward runs past] That looked like Squidward!
SpongeBob: [an angry crowd runs past] That looked like Squidward also! In angry mob form!

SpongeBob: Remember, Patrick, focus.
[knocks]
Customer: Yes?
SpongeBob: Good afternoon, sir, we're selling chocolate bars.
Customer: [Patrick's eyes zoom in and out on the customer] Why is Chubby here staring at me?
Patrick: Focusing.
Customer: Back up, Jack!
[slams the door on Patrick's eyes]
Patrick: Oof!
[moves his eyes around]
Patrick: Nice place you got in here.

SpongeGar: Patar!
Patar: SpongeGar!

SpongeBob: Mega Bucket? You've used me for land development! That wasn't nice!
Plankton: Haven't you heard SpongeBob? Nice guys finish last. Only aggressive people conquer the world!
[laughs evilly]

Patrick: I defy you, heart-man!

SpongeBob: Listen, you crustaceous cheapskate! Squidward's been living at my house, driving me crazy! And you're not gonna hire him back all because of a STUPID DIME?

Patrick: Hey SpongeBob, you're going the wrong way
SpongeBob: I always go to work this way
Patrick: You're not going to work today, we're going to play hooky!
SpongeBob: But Patrick we promised
Patrick: Well I had my fingers crossed
SpongeBob: You don't have any fingers Patrick
Patrick: Well that Mr. Krabs is just a big dummy, we played on those hooks all day long and nothing happened to us
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs said...
Patrick: [interrupting him] Look SpongeBob are you going to listen to a big dummy, or are you going to listen to me?
SpongeBob: Umm

Squidward: I just remembered I needed change for this dollar.
SpongeBob: Do you want four quarters? Or ten dimes? Or twenty nickles? Or one hundred pennies? Or one quarter, three dimes, seven nickles and ten pennies? Or if you give me a five dollar bill, your options are...
Squidward: Alright! Goodbye.

Narrator: [Closing lines; as the camera zooms out from "The Poop Deck"] And so, kids, always remember to follow your dreams. Unless you're Patchy...
Narrator: [as the camera pans across the same houses from the opening] then just stay in bed.

Plankton: I HATE MY LIFE!

Patrick: Hey, I'm no ghost. The nerve of that guy and his driving eyeballs

[first lines]
Narrator: Ah, the sea. So fascinating, so wonderful. Here, we see Bikini Bottom, teaming with life. Home of one of my favorite creatures: Spongebob Squarepants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, you silly.

SpongeBob: Doesn't look like any carnival I ever...
[bumps into a hook]
SpongeBob: Excuse me.
[gasps as he sees the hook]
SpongeBob: Stop Patrick! Don't touch it! This isn't the carnival, Patrick. Those are hooks. Mr. Krabs said they were really dangerous.
Patrick: [sits on a hook] Hmmm, I sense no danger here, how can they be dangerous?, they're covered with free cheese!
SpongeBob: All I know is that Mr. Krabs said... Patrick, don't do that!
Patrick: [puts a hook with cheese in his mouth] Cheesy!, no danger here, go on, try it
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs said...
Patrick: SpongeBob let me ask you something
[puts 9 hooks in his mouth]
Patrick: does this look dangerous?
SpongeBob: [screaming] Patrick don't!
Patrick: Lighten up, will ya? Or do I have to eat all this cheese by mysel...
[hooks pulls him up]
SpongeBob: [gasps] Patrick! Help! Oh, Patrick, help! Oh, Patrick, come back. Oh, my best friend.
[Patrick floats down and SpongeBob runs into him as he hits the ground]
SpongeBob: Patrick, you're alive.
Patrick: Am I ever, you should try it
SpongeBob: But... What about the surface?, and your britches?, and the gift shops?
Patrick: You just jump off before you get too high.

Patrick: Just do what I do when I have problems... SCREEEEEEAM!

Sandy: You're nothing but pure evil, just like newspaper comics.

SpongeBob: You know what that cloud reminds me of?
Sandy: What?
SpongeBob: A flower.
Sandy: SpongeBob, they all look like flowers. All the time.
SpongeBob: They sure do.

Sandy: Happy Valentine's Day, SpongeBob. I'm nuts for you.
SpongeBob: Well, I'm bubbles for you, Sandy!

Plankton: What's the deal Karen?
Karen: The deal was that i paid Nat to eat your chum so you'd quit your constant complaining.
Plankton: All this time i never had one regular costumer?
Karen: Duh.

SpongeBob: You used me... for land development! That wasn't nice.
Plankton: Haven't you figured it out, SpongeBob? Nice guys finish last. Only aggressive people conquer the world. Ha ha ha ha!
SpongeBob: Well... what about aggressively nice people?

Patrick: Never trust a genie.

Waiter: Your bill, sir.
Mr. Krabs: WHAT? ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS? Well, this can't possibly be correct!
Waiter: [eyes the bill] My mistake, sir. Thank you for pointing that out.
[hand Krabs a different bill]
Waiter: THIS is your bill.
[Krabs looks down and his eyes enlarge weirdly. The exterior of the restaurant is shown and the cork flies off. His scream shatters the glass bottle, which causes the sign to go flying and the valet fall over]

Patrick: [Spongebob gets locked out of his house, so he calls at the phone booth. Phone rings and Patrick answers] Hello, Squarepants residence. What?
[covers 1 ear]
Patrick: I'm sorry, what?
SpongeBob: Patrick, it's me, Spongebob!
Patrick: [with a confused look on his face] You wanna talk to Spongebob?
SpongeBob: Yes... .no, Patrick! I'm Spongebob! I'm outside!
Patrick: [opens the door] Ok, hold on. Spongebob, you out here? Phone's for you!
SpongeBob: What? I--no Patrick, wait!
Patrick: [as Spongebob runs towards the door, Patrick slams it closed] I'm sorry but he's not out there!
Scooter: Hey, dude, if you're looking for Spongebob, he's over by that punch bowl.
Patrick: [drops the phone in the punch bowl with an ice sculpture of Spongebob's head] Thanks. Here you go, Spongebob.
SpongeBob: [looking through the window noticing the bathroom window opened] Phone in punch bowl? That's not even on the schedule!

[SpongeBob and Squidward are accusing Mr. Krabs of being a robot, repeatedly asking the "robot" what happened to the "real" Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob: This is one stubborn robot.
Mr. Krabs: [in anger] WHAT? YOU THINK I'M A ROBOT?
Squidward: We don't think. We know.
Mr. Krabs: That's the silliest thing I ever heard! I am Mr. Krabs!

Sandy: Boy, SpongeBob is really getting outta control with his impression obsession.
[Mr. Krabs pops out of the cash register]
Mr. Krabs: Right you are, Sandy. SpongeBob has lost touch with reality. I've seen it before. They call it the Mocking Mimicry Madness.
[SpongeBob suddenly pops up behind Mr. Krabs while imitating him]
SpongeBob: The Mocking Mimicry Madness.
[Mr. Krabs screams and hides back in the register]

Squidward: If SpongeBob is living here, that means he's not living... next to me!
[Lies down on ground making snow angels]
Mr. Krabs: [Watching Squidward on the floor] Must be a full moon.

[It's night, and SpongeBob still won't come down from the roof of the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: I sure do miss my friends. Hey, maybe I can see them from up here.
[SpongeBob looks out from the roof and sees his house, Squidward's house, and Patrick's house. Inside Squidward's house, Squidward is preparing himself dinner]
SpongeBob: Ooh, looks like Squidward has a date. Good for him. It can be so tough to put yourself out there.
[He sees Squidward clink both glasses of wine and drink them both]
SpongeBob: Oh, no. Poor Squidward. He's all alone!
[He gets an idea and lights up- literally]
SpongeBob: Ah!
[He pulls out a flashlight from one of his pores]
SpongeBob: Don't worry, friend. I'm here for you.
[He shines a light down at Squidward's house and makes a shadow puppet. The shadow puppet massages Squidward's head and back. The octopus enjoys the massage, his eyes closed]
Squidward: Hm? Oh! Oh, that feels good.
[He opens his eyes]
Squidward: Huh?
[His mouth drops open and he sees a giant shadow stretching across his ceiling. He dives across his table, clings to the wall and screams as though he'd seen a ghost]
SpongeBob: Hmm, maybe he's hungry.
[Squidward is standing with his hand on his head, wondering what that horrible sight he'd just seen was. SpongeBob's shadow puppet reappears, forces Squidward's mouth open and tries to feed him his dinner, but Squidward springs to the door and struggles to get it open]
SpongeBob: Come on, Squidward! Eat your...
[There's a crack as SpongeBob's hand cramps up]
SpongeBob: Ow! Hand cramp! Hand cramp!
[the shadow starts clumsily knocking things around. Squidward is still struggling to get the door open, yelping mincingly. The shadow accidentally throws his dinner on top of him]
SpongeBob: Ow, ow, ow, ow!
[His shadow puppet knocks over the table. Squidward runs to the window and struggles to open it. It won't budge so he pounds on it, yelling in distress. One of the shadow puppet fingers comes crashing down on Squidward's head by accident. The octopus' Moai house jumps about due to all of the commotion going on inside and soon its resident runs out screaming]
SpongeBob: Guess he wasn't hungry after all.

Mr. Krabs: [counting] one, two, blue, applesauce...

Mr. Krabs: There are two ways of getting on my bad side, boys: I don't like kids playing in my yard, and nobody but me touches me thermostat.
Squidward: That is so selfish!
SpongeBob: Yeah. Your yard is really fun. There are kids playing on it right now.
Mr. Krabs: What? Hey, you kids! Get off my yard!

Squidward: Grievances? This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one place! This city needs to be destroyed! Or at least painted a different color.

SpongeBob: Gee, Patrick sure is a heavy sleeper.
Patrick: [Wakes up] Huh? Who said that? Who's there?
SpongeBob: Uh...
Patrick: It's the Clam Burglar! And he's stealing my secret box!
[he runs up to SpongeBob]
Patrick: Hand over the goods, Secret Box Bandit, and prepare for the most unpleasant pillow fight of your life!
[He cocks his pillow like a gun]
SpongeBob: Wait, wait, wait, Patrick! Stop! It's me, SpongeBob!
[Unmasks]

SpongeBob: We're like brothers... only closer.

SpongeBob: Why did you eat my boots Mr. Krabs?

SpongeBob: [on working the night shift] Isn't this great Squidward? Just you & me together for hours and hours and hours! And then the sun'll come up, and it'll be tomorrow, and we'll still be working! It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and covered with grease!
[Throughout the speech, Squidward has a look of disgust, then of exasperation, then of weary resignation]

Squidward: [sobbing, washing clam waste off of himself in the shower] I'll never be clean again!

[SpongeBob opens up Patrick's rock to find what he really did instead of working]
Patrick: [watching TV, laughs] He got hit on the head with two coconuts!
SpongeBob: [angry] So! This is work?
Patrick: You know it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes I gotta move the antenna, sometimes I lose the remote, and sometimes my butt itches real bad!
SpongeBob: [sarcastically] Oh, you poor, poor thing. By the way, you forgot your briefcase!
[SpongeBob opens it to reveal the briefcase is full of donuts and ice cream sundaes as he angrily dumps it all on Patrick]
Patrick: [furiously] Ooh, so this is the thanks I get for working overtime!
SpongeBob: [screaming] OVERTIME?
Patrick: [simultaneously] Yeah, overtime, pal! And you know what else? It's always working when you're too tired to work! You just keep going on working and working!
SpongeBob: [simultaneously] Oh, yeah, that's working! And if that's the kind of work you're doing, then show me when or where to sign up for, 'cause I've been working my fingers to the bone! You never help! Never!
[Junior's tweeting is heard]
Patrick: There's that stupid noise again!
SpongeBob: Oh, that's not a stupid noise; that's just Junior about to jump out of that two-story window.
[Junior is seen ready to fly]
Patrick: Oh.
Patrick,25819: [eyes bulge in horror] JUNIOR!

SpongeBob: [about to be arrested] Wait, you don't understand! We're not from here!
King: [as King Krabs] That's because you're witches who were sent by Planktanamor to destroy me.
SpongeBob: No, we're time travelers.
[Krabs growls]
SpongeBob: [gulps] Help me out here, Patrick.
Patrick: I'm not sure there's anything I can add at this point.

SpongeBob: Oh, look, it's a baby scallop.
Patrick: [raising his foot to stomp it] I'll take care of this!
SpongeBob: No, stop! It's totally helpless! It looks like it can't even fly yet.
Patrick: Is it stupid?
SpongeBob: No, it's just a baby.

SpongeBob: Bye, Squidward! Bye, Mr. Krabs! Bye, Squidward.
Patrick: You said bye to Squidward twice.
SpongeBob: [grins huge, dreamily] I like Squidward.

SpongeBob: [rolling dice] Come on, Gary needs a new pair of shoes!

Plankton: Well, this stinks.

SpongeBob: I know we're a prophecy and all, but I don't think we can defeat a dragon with our bare hands.
Patrick: Yeah. We need some gloves.

Squidward: Help me move this sofa.
SpongeBob: You got it, Squiddy. Where we moving her to?
Squidward: Hang on, I'm trying to get a grip on the thing. Now don't move it till I say...
[SpongeBob moves the sofa towards Squidward and it slides onto Squidward's toenail. Squidward screams in pain]
Squidward: Okay, it's on my foot. Now don't...
[SpongeBob moves the sofa again more onto Squidward's toenail and he screams again]
SpongeBob: Okay!
[SpongeBob moves the sofa away from Squidward and the it rips off Squidward's toenail]
Squidward: OW! SpongeBob! I told you not to move it till I said...
[SpongeBob drops the sofa onto Squidward's foot]
Squidward: OW! Why do you keep moving it?
SpongeBob: Cause you keep saying "OW!".

Patrick: We're not talking about some dumb mail fraud scheme or hijacking, here. WE STOLE A BALLOON!

Mr. Krabs: So, you tried to kill me over a little new age management, eh?

Flying: Who be disturbing the Flying Dutchman in his own lair?
SpongeBob: [cheerfully] It's Squidward, he wants to complain to you.
[the Flying Dutchman looks at Squidward]
Squidward: [nervously] I... no I don't
SpongeBob: Well, what about all that stuff about him having a dirty ship and being lazy and all?
[Flying Dutchman glares angrily at Squidward]
Squidward: [laughs nervously] I never said that
Flying: Insulting a man's ship be worse than insulting his mother!
SpongeBob: No, no wait, it was his mother you said was dirty, not his ship!
[the Flying Dutchman fries Squidward with fire from his nose]

SpongeBob: I'm a fry cook, darn it! You can take away my spatula, but when you take away my dignity, that's when I get mad!

[sees SpongeBob in the distance; mistakes him for the Maniac]
Patrick: [On walkie-talkie] SpongeBob! I see him!
SpongeBob: Where is he?
Patrick: At the intersection of Conch and Coral.
SpongeBob: That's where I am! He's right on top of me, but I can't see him! What's he doing?
Patrick: He's just standing there... menacingly! Get out of there, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Yaaah!
Patrick: That's his maniac shriek! He's going to attack!
[SpongeBob runs around in circles, crying]
Patrick: He's acting all crazy! Run, SpongeBob, run! Quick, hide behind that building! No, wait! He just ran by that building! Hide behind that street sign! No, wait! The maniac just went by that sign! Get underneath that street light! No! He's there too! Run for your life!
[SpongeBob dives inside a mailbox; inside, he hears Patrick on the walkie-talkie, intercut by static]
SpongeBob: Say that again, deputy?
Patrick: The maniac's in the mailbox!
[SpongeBob screams and runs off]

Mr. Krabs: Break a leg. Break two legs.
Fred: My leg!
Mr. Krabs: Shut up, Fred!

Mr. Krabs: Well, the way I see it, there are three possibilities: one, you put the dime in me pants; two, you put the dime in me pants; or three, YOU PUT THE DIME IN ME PANTS!

SpongeBob: This is not your average, everyday darkness. This is... ADVANCED darkness. Hey, if I close my eyes it doesn't seem so dark.

Squidward: [after an embarrassing incident] Too bad that didn't kill me.

SpongeBob: Ahhh No!
[catches the hat on a pillow]

Fish: Hey, it's grandma's boy! Kushy-kushy-kushy!
[everybody erupt in laughter]
SpongeBob: No, you're wrong! There's nothing wrong with getting kisses with your grandma!
Fish: No, especially if you're a big baby who wears diapers!
[everybody laughs again]
Fish: And sucks his thumb, and plays with dolls, and umm...
[everyone stops laughing and start staring at him]
Fish: ... wears pajamas with feet in them, and carries his, umm, blankie around, and...
Customers: [yelling] All right already!

[Patrick is about to agree with Mr. Krabs to give him his coupon when Squidward appears between them, holding a sandwich]
Squidward: You should be ashamed of yourself! Taking advantage of a simpleton.
[He pushes Patrick away and munches on his sandwich]
Mr. Krabs: Aww, come on. Can't an old crab have a little unscrupulous fun anymore?
[He scuttles away]
Patrick: Hey, you ruined my deal! I almost had a handshake!
[He fruitlessly tries to take a swing at Squidward. Squidward puts the rest of the sandwich into his mouth and coolly pulls a lever on the construction crane, freeing Patrick but also allowing him to fall on his face, which for Squidward is a win-win situation because being nice to Patrick of all people feels wrong, but he'd feel guilty if he did nothing]
Squidward: Oh, you ding-dong wingnut! Krabs was just trying to steal your coupon!
[He walks on Patrick- for good measure- and leaves]

Realistic: [about Man Ray, the Dirty Bubble and Barnacle Man conspiring] These three have named their new alliance, Every Villain Is Lemons. Otherwise known as EVIL! What can we do? When will this crime wave end? How will we defeat the EVIL? Why am I asking *you* all these questions? Mermaid Man, where are you?

SpongeBob: Permission to come aboard, Captain!
[He speaks in a Powerpuff Girls Narrator voice]
SpongeBob: I've been training my whole life for the day I can join the Krusty Krew
[He speaks in his normal voice]
SpongeBob: And now I'm ready!

Squidward: Good Neptune, I'm falling! Wait, if I remember my high school science, on the moon, I'm much lighter than on Earth. Which means... ha! This fall won't hurt me.
[But unfortunately for Squidward despite the zero gravity, he ends up getting crushed and smooshed into his helmet as he lands on the moon]

Zoo: [SpongeBob and Patrick are about to be pelted with peanuts] Wait! Here's the real criminal!
[drags out Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: Uh, top of the morning?
[his fake mustache falls off]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
[the crowd gasps]
Patrick: I knew it!
Zoo: Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster!
[inadvertently takes off Krabs' clothes]
Zoo: Behold!
[crowd groans in disgust]
Zoo: Wait a minute. Behold! The oyster's pearl!

Mr. Krabs: Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells... smelly.
[whispering]
Mr. Krabs: Anchovies.
Squidward: What?
Mr. Krabs: ANCHOVIES!

SpongeBob: Don't bother jumping. That shaft has no bottom. We'll just take the escalator.

SpongeBob: I've got bad news, guys. Look at what happened to my house, it's gone. It's all gone. What am I gonna do? Where am I gonna live?
Squidward: Yeah!
[surprised look on Patrick's face]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob, your house is gone!

SpongeBob: [through walkie-talkie] Pineapple One to Delicate Flower. Come in, Delicate Flower.
[Squidward takes the walkie-talkie from SpongeBob]
Squidward: I AM NOT ANSWERING TO DELICATE FLOWER!
[He quickly rolls down his sleeve, hiding the rose tattoo on his left arm]

Mr. Krabs: Spongebob! What's wrong?
SpongeBob: I don't know, Mr. Krabs. But I got the strangest feeling that somewhere a pirate and parrot are arguing about me, and the parrot is winning.

Patchy: [to Potty] You I'm ignoring
[to the audience]
Patchy: No it's time to open fan letters.
Potty: Here you go.
[refuses to give Patchy the letter and starts squawking]
Patchy: Thank you Potty. Okay Potty thank you.
[Potty still isn't giving the envelope]
Patchy: Come on give it you bird brain.
[frustrated]
Patchy: Quiet Infernal Bird!
[cuts the string holding Potty up]
Potty: Wahhhh!
[falls on the ground]
Patchy: This letter comes to us from
[the narrator interrupts talking over Patchy]
Narrator: Name and address withheld.
Patchy: [tears open the envelope and puts on his reading glasses] and he writes Dear SpongeBob I'm 10 years old and I was wondering if you like Christmas as much as I do. Sincerely yours,
[the signature is censored out]
Narrator: Name and address withheld.
Patchy: A very good question. But did you know that they didn't always celebrate Christmas.
Potty: They didn't?
Patchy: Oh sure my fine feathered little neck of pain.
[yanks on the string very hard]
Puppeteer: Woah!
[falls from the ceiling and lands on the ground hard]

SpongeBob: Wow, my entire arm disintegrated!

Narrator: SpongeBob has learned one of the sea's harshest lessons: Wild animals can throw really wild parties.

Squidward: [SpongeBob is being dragged by the wind] Will you let go of that stupid pizza already?
SpongeBob: I can't, it's for the customer!
Squidward: Who cares about the customer?
SpongeBob: I do!
Squidward: Well, I don't!
[the wind stops]
SpongeBob: [gasp] Squidward!
[wind starts up again]

Plankton: You may win this time. Shee-ha-kazing!
[tries to disappear but instead explodes all over himself]
Plankton: Well, this stinks.

[repeated line]
Mr. Krabs: I'm Mr. Krabs!

Squidward: [on the phone to Man Ray] Hello, Man Ray? The weather changed my plans. I'm coming home. Not to worry, though. You'll get a full refund on the rent, so long as there's no damage to my place.
[Man Ray hangs up]
Squidward: Hello?
[Man Ray laughs maniacally]
Man: That idiot octopus doesn't know I gave him a phony check!
[He smashes the phone]

Patrick: [Holds a rock] Hey, SpongeBob. Check out my new snail.
SpongeBob: Patrick, your snail is a rock.
Patrick: Yeah, thanks, I know. He's got nerves of steel.

SpongeBob: I don't think this is the Tunnel of Glove. It's the Tunnel of EVIL!

Mr. Krabs: Attention all employees! Just giving you a heads-up. I'll be conducting a surprise uniform inspection in one hour. Whoever doesn't pass gets the boot.
[Pulls out a boot]
Mr. Krabs: This boot to be exact. It's very stinky, and you have to wear it all day.

Patrick: Squidward! Your ceiling is talking to me!
Squidward: Are you gonna order something or just make friends with the paneling?

Sheldon: Finally! The day has come!
Karen: You mean Thursday?
Sheldon: No! It's the day I steal the Krabby Patty secret formula from Krabs!
Karen: And why, pray tell, is today different from the other days you failed to steal it?
Sheldon: [growls] Because today I have completed my greatest invention. Behold!
[as he speaks, he takes the cloth off his machine]
Karen: [imitating him] What exactly am I "beholding?" A vegetable steamer?
Sheldon: This is no ordinary vegetable steamer, Karen, my computer wife. It's my latest invention! And isn't she a beauty. Meow.
[hugs the steamer]
Karen: Oh, brother.
[rolls her eyes in disgust]

Patrick: Liar, liar, plants for hire.
SpongeBob: It's pants on fire, Patrick.
Patrick: Well you would know, liar.

Larry the Lobster: How would you like to take the second shift?
SpongeBob: By myself?
Larry the Lobster: Only if you think you're ready.
SpongeBob: I'm not just ready. I'm ready, Freddy.
Larry the Lobster: It's Larry.

Squidward: What is the most fun thing you've always wanted to do?
SpongeBob: Actually, I keep a list of the most fun things I like to do.
Squidward: Great. Let's see it.
SpongeBob: The things that are extra fun are written in red.
Squidward: Everything's in red!
SpongeBob: Yeah, I know!

[Patrick, choking on snowballs, walks up to Squidward's house and knocks on his door]
Squidward: Yes? Oh, Patrick.
[Patrick tries to talk]
Squidward: What an unpleasant surprise. Oh, boy, nothing like a game of charades.
[Patrick swallows the snowballs]
Patrick: [in one breath] I was trying to tell you that I was choking on snow, but the snow melted and turned into water, and I drank all the water, now I'm better.
Squidward: [dryly] Fascinating.

[SpongeBob appears on the horizon]
Sandy: Here, Patrick. Have a Krabby Patty.
[whispers]
Sandy: Psst. There he is Patrick, say your line.
Patrick: [picks up paper] Why thank you, Sandy. Take Patty. Too bad SpongeBob isn't here to enjoy this. These are his favorite.
[on the verge of tears]
Patrick: Take bite.

Patrick: I guess I'll have to find a new best friend. Hey. Squidward!
Squidward: NO!
Patrick: Awww!

[last lines]
Karen: And they all lived happily ever after. So, until next time, this is...
Plankton: Karen!
Karen: The Computer Fairy hoping all your dreams come true.
[Karen waves her wand and her screen goes back to the storybook. The last page says "All Your Dreams Come True" on it. The scene zooms in Karen's screen to go to the storybook]
Pinocchio: [appears on screen] Let me at 'em, Pop! Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em! Let me-
[the book closes onto Pinocchio and the cover says the title, "The End" on it]
Pinocchio: Ow.

[Squidward is subbing for SpongeBob at the grill]
Male: Hey, he burned my Krabby Patty.
Female: He burned my fries.
Boy: He burned my shake.

[SpongeBob is sitting on the ground outside Mrs. Puff's house, exhausted and wheezing. His arms and legs are lying limp on the ground]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! I'm glad I caught ya! I want you to buy Mrs. Puff-
[SpongeBob suddenly stands up]
SpongeBob: Wait! Don't tell me! You want me to run down to the store, and buy Mrs. Puff something she doesn't need, then you want me to run back here, so you can say, 'Arr, SpongeBob, you're spendin' all me money!' And then I'll say, 'But, Mr. Krabs, I'm only doing what you said!' Then you'll say, 'We're not talking about this... '
[He draws a triangle in the air]
SpongeBob: 'Or this... '
[He draws a square in the air]
SpongeBob: 'We're talking about THIIIIIS!'
[He draws a whole bunch of furious scribbles to illustrate how stupid the situation is]

Sandy: I'm from the surface world and nothing prepares you for climbing like growing up on good old dry land.
SpongeBob: [laughs] Land, shmand. It's all about finger strength baby, and if there's anything we've got plenty of down here, it's finger strength.
[flexes his fingers like muscles]
SpongeBob: What do you say to that, miss mittens?
Sandy: [climbing up the cliff] I'd say I'm already halfway there!

Sandy: [On TV set at entrance of treedome] Howdy. If y'all are watching this, it means I'm asleep for the winter. This sleep is called hibernation. During hibernation, animals do not like to be woken up, so do not disturb.
[Zoom in]
Sandy: That means you, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: The Krabby Patty formula is the sole property of the Krusty Krab and may only be discussed, in part or in whole, with its creator Mr. Krabs. Duplication of this formula is punishable by law. Restrictions apply. Results may vary.

Patrick: All right, this is it. What are you going to tell your grandma?
SpongeBob: I'm a grown-up!
Patrick: No ifs, ands or buts about it!
SpongeBob: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!
Patrick: Then you get behind her and I'll push.
SpongeBob: Patrick, we didn't say that.
Patrick: Oh, right.

Mr. Krabs: Now put on this pirate garb so I'm not embarrased to be seen with you.
SpongeBob: Wow! Look, Patrick. Peg legs and eye patches.
Mr. Krabs: Now, don't you feel like real pirates?
SpongeBob: [Wearing pegs on both legs] Look, I'm Peggy the Pirate. Whoa!
[Trips and falls]
Patrick: [Wearing patches on both eyes] I'm Blindbeard the Pirate. Whoa!
[Trips and falls over SpongeBob]

Plankton: What?
[SpongeBob blows a raspberry at him]

Squidward: Between you and me, this isn't my best work. Why don't you come back tomorrow and I'll have something that will really knock your socks off?
Monty P. Moneybags: Between you and me, I'm not wearing socks!
[begins laughing]

Squidward: I knew i shouldn't have got out of bed today.

[SpongeBob and Patrick have captured Sandy, thinking she's an alien]
SpongeBob: Nice try... Sandy.
Patrick: Or should I say... Miss Alien Pants?
[He laughs triumphantly]
Sandy: Aliens? Is that what this is about?
[They throw her into the rocket]
Sandy: This isn't the moon! We're still in Bikini Bott-
[They shut the door]
SpongeBob: Just goes to show you, you can't trust anyone.

Plankton: [becomes furious with the statement growling in rage] I COMMAND YOU TO MAKE ME A KRABBY PATTY THIS INSTANT!

SpongeBob: Why, Mr Krabs? Why does he hate us so?
[cries]

[Squidward wanders into the fray of the party with a plate of Krabby Patties and his bottom lip pulled straight up over his nose]
Squidward: Krabby Patty? Krabby Patty?
[a dirt-covered little boy runs up to Squidward and starts touching the patties]
Kid: Ooh, ooh, oh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
[Squidward's nose slips out from his bottom lip and he holds the plate away from the boy]
Squidward: You're contaminating the food! Just pick one.
[He holds the plate out to the boy again, but the boy sneezes on him. The octopus looks in horror at the plate of Krabby Patties covered in snot. The boy takes a Krabby Patty and runs off, laughing. Squidward shakes himself off]
Squidward: I've been infected!
[More children come and munch on the infected Patties. Squidward retches, causing the children to scream]

Customer: Another one? Look, I told your little friend I ain't paying for that!
Squidward: Well, this one's on the house!
[He shoves pizza in the customer's face]
SpongeBob: Did he change his mind?
Squidward: He sure did. Ate the whole thing in one bite.

Plankton: That naive cube! How long must I suffer this?
Karen: You're not letting him get away, are you? Can't you see? This is the perfect opportunity for revenge.
Plankton: Elaborate.
Karen: Befriend the SpongeBob, then, when the timing is just right, take the Krabby Patty.
Plankton: Take the Krabby Patty.
Karen: Get moving, genius. Don't let him get away.

[repeated line]
Mermaid: EVIL!

Mr. Krabs: Gold, gold, gold!
SpongeBob: Hey, Mr. Krabs. You're a sweaty!

Patrick: You broke my heart! Now I'm gonna break something of *yours*!

SpongeBob: Well Patrick, I was going to ask you if you wanted to go jellyfishing but I can see that you're busy having an episode.

Patrick: How much is it?
Mr. Krabs: Five dollars.
Patrick: All what I have is seven.
Mr. Krabs: Deal.
Patrick: Patrick Star, you are one smart shopper.

Mr. Krabs: Ow, Ooh! Ow! My
[dolphin chirp]
Mr. Krabs: foot! What
[dolphin chirp]
Mr. Krabs: genius put a
[dolphin chirp]
Mr. Krabs: rock in a
[dolphin chirp]
Mr. Krabs: path? Can't you see I got a
[boat horn]
Mr. Krabs: foot here? Oh!
[Seal bark]

[SpongeBob and Patrick have broken Squidward's wax sculpture of himself, and think it's Squidward]
SpongeBob: I don't know quite how to say this, but I'm afraid our dear pal Squidward is... is pushing up daisies.
Patrick: Oh, I thought he was dead.

Squidward: [angrily swats the bowl away sending it flying] Condensed Soup from a can? DISGUSTING! All right now that you ruined my appetite go fetch me something to read!

Patrick: Hey Spongebob, wanna see my new shoes?
SpongeBob: Wow, those are great, Patrick! Let's see what they look like on your feet.
Patrick: Would you rather see them on... my hands?
SpongeBob: Ok, and we can wear gloves on our feet, and hats on our captain's quarters too!
Patrick: Uh, actually I have a confession to make.
[privately]
Patrick: I don't know how to tie my shoelaces.
SpongeBob: Do you know how lucky you are to have a friend like me?
Patrick: [happily] Yes.
SpongeBob: Look at this knot. Have you ever seen a more perfectly executed shoe-fastening bow?
Patrick: Gosh, probably not.
SpongeBob: I learned when I was just a boy, Patrick, and I'm willing to pass on what I know. Go sit over there
[points off-screen behind himself]
SpongeBob: and let an old pro show you how to do it.
[Patrick sits down in the chair and SpongeBob sets his foot on the chair's arm]
SpongeBob: Pay close attention, Patrick. Well, you start
[unties his laces]
SpongeBob: by taking one lace per hand...
[pulls a little on both laces]
SpongeBob: And then you... Uh, you gotta... Loop the, the...
Patrick: Are you sure you know how to do it?
SpongeBob: Patrick, please, shoe-tying requires peace and quiet. Okay, where was I?
Patrick: [SpongeBob gives him a dirty look] Your shoes are still untied.
[SpongeBob takes his shoe off the chair]
Patrick: .
SpongeBob: [looks away] Well,
[Patrick looks shocked]
SpongeBob: I guess you don't want me to show you how to do it.
Patrick: I'm sorry! I won't interrupt anymore!
[covers his mouth with his shoes]

Mr. Krabs: [over the phone] Where's me mustard?
Squidward: Um...
[He sees SpongeBob absorbing the mustard and growing ever bigger. Patrick plugs the cork into one of SpongeBob's pores. Back in the Krusty Krab, a man hacks away at the crow's nest Mr. Krabs is hiding in with an axe. SpongeBob's eyes well up with mustard]
Squidward: Your mustard is coming right up.
Mr. Krabs: When?
Squidward: Now...!

SpongeBob: Good morning, Squidward. Lovely spring day, isn't it?
Squidward: Hmph.
SpongeBob: Have you said hello to the flowers today?
Squidward: Hello.
[the flowers hiss at Squidward; he shrieks and runs back inside]
SpongeBob: I didn't know Squidward had hay fever. I shall do him a kindness and plant some hypoallergenic flowers.

[about to eat a tainted patty]
Mr. Krabs: Good enough to eat.
[cut to an ambulance driving]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, look, an ambulance. Now then...

Squidward: [To Krabs.] Why don't you go and ask Cowbob Ranchpants and his faithful companion Sir Eats-a-lot?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob. What's the meaning of all the nicknames?