Top 30 Quotes From Mike Seaver

Dr. Jason Seaver: [after catching his kids having a party] Carol, what was going on in there that you couldn't hear what was happening out here?
Carol: Dad, I don't like what you're implying!
[Carol leaves until Mike and Jason see sawdust handprints behind her black skirt]
Dr. Jason Seaver: STOP!
Carol: [freeze and pauses for a moment] What!
Dr. Jason Seaver: What is on your backside?
Mike: Carol, looks to me like your butt's got a big mouth.
Carol: [chuckles in disbelief] Oh, you think these are Frank's, dad? Dad, they're mine. I mean - well, I was just talking to him and standing like this.
[Carol puts her hands behind her trying to play it off]
Mike: Good, Carol, and dad was worried you were hot for the guy.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Well, I think maybe it's time I had a word with Frank - maybe MORE than a word.
Carol: Daddy, please!
[Jason opens the door to his office purposely knocking Frank off the ladder to the floor]
Dr. Jason Seaver: And another thing: YOU'RE FIRED.

Carol: You mean, you haven't even started yet?
Mike: What's your point?
Carol: 4.0. What's yours?

[Mike talking to older blind date]
Mike: Do you have any idea what it's like to go through puberty backwards? Yeah, it's true. There are only two known cases, me and Dick Clark.

Eddie: Uhh umm uh, what's your dad's name bone ?
Richard: Sylvester.
Mike: Wait a minute... Your dad's name is Sylvester Stabone?
Richard: Who knew!

Mike: [reading to his siblings from "Great Expectations", and using a humorously-exaggerated English/British accent] My father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than PIP!
[using the same contrived accent upon hearing the doorbell ring]
Mike: I'll get it.
Ben: [in a mildy disappointed tone of having his listening interrupted] Aww... and I was just getting into it!

Mike: Nothing happened ok mom! She wanted to sleep with me and I didn't do it. I'm probably gay! You happy now!?

[last lines of the series]
Dr. Jason Seaver: Well, I don't mean to break up the fun, but we've got a long drive to Washington. Guess we better hit the road.
Mike: Yeah, I've gotta go break in my new landlord.
Carol: Dwight's driving me to my dorm.
Chrissy: Can't we stay and see what the new people look like?
Ben: [solemnly] I'd rather not know.
Carol: Me either.
Maggie: Oh, come on, we better get moving.
[the entire family leaves and look back at the empty house for the last time]
Carol: [tearfully] Goodbye...

Nick: [observing the 'accident' Mike made with a soda bottle, suspiciously, to Mike] Somebody unscrewed this. This was no accident. Wait a minute... You didn't get too busy and forget, did you?
Mike: Look, do you know that you're prejudiced, or are you just kidding yourself?
Nick: [furiously] You rude, smart-assed know-it-all, what are you trying to prove here, huh?
Mike: I'm not trying; I just proved it.
Nick: You white-bread suburban punks really get to me! Someday, you'll figure out with the score is!
Mike: Yeah, well, I just did!
Nick: You know, you've got a lot to learn about the real world!
Mike: Yeah, well, I won't be learning it from you! I quit!
[takes off his work jacket]
Nick: [yells in anger] You know something, you are one confused little kid!
Mike: [leaves] Not anymore.

Mike: Don't worry, I'm taking my subjects seriously this year.
Maggie: [reads his enrollment form] "Bugs Bunny as Archetype: Hero or Wascal"?
Mike: If Boynton State Teachers' College offers it, e-b-dee, e-b-dee, that's enough for me!

Kate: What do you know about guys?
Mike: Well, I've been one for fifteen years.
Kate: But you're nineteen.
Mike: Interesting story.

Dr. Jason Seaver: [the first shot in Ben's film is of a title card: "This motion picture is rated 'R'... and we all know what *that* means"] Ben, if this movie isn't dirty, then why did you rate it "R"?
Ben: Because no kid wants to see a movie these days, unless it's rated "R".
[Mike comes in; what perfect timing!]
Mike: Hi, Ben - Wow, your movie's rated "R"? I'm watching it!
Ben: See what I mean?
[whispered aside]
Ben: Thanks, Mike; you saved my life.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Consider it a stay of execution.

Mike: [finally recognizes her teeth] Becky? Wow, you've had quite the summer.
Becky: [sarcastically] And you've had quite the fall.
[Becky walks off from Mike]

Ben: [to Jason about his science project] But you told me to do something that interests me. Mike and Carol interest me more than mold.
Jason: That's a touching sentiment, Ben. Now cut it out!
Ben: What's with him?
Mike: He doesn't like you, he never has.

Mike: [as he's sneaking into the house past curfew, Jason is waiting for him] Dad.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Mike. It is Mike, isn't it? No it couldn't be. MY Mike was to be home at 1:00AM.
Mike: [laughs nervously] Uh, Dad... I know I missed my curfew.
Dr. Jason Seaver: [with sarcasm] Oh! Well, you admit you have one! That's progress!
Mike: Hey Dad, isn't tonight the time where we turn the clocks back for the time change?
Dr. Jason Seaver: [takes his arm and leads him to the living room] Nooooo... that's in October, which is when you're going to be grounded till unless you give me a good explanation where you've been!
Mike: Okay, I...
Dr. Jason Seaver: No no no. Wait, let me get comfortable here. You know how I love these stories! So, what'll it be tonight, Mike? You were... oh, you saved some lives, I bet, huh?
[Mike's grin begins to fade]
Dr. Jason Seaver: Wait, wait. I bet you ran into those darn gypsies again, hm?
[Mike's expression then becomes grim, concerning Jason]
Dr. Jason Seaver: Are you OK?
Mike: [sighs] Dad, can I talk to you as a friend and not as a guy who can make my life miserable?
Dr. Jason Seaver: What's wrong, Mike?
Mike: Dad, I gotta know that what I tell you won't be used against me!
Dr. Jason Seaver: Okay, what is it?
Mike: So I have your word that whatever I say you're not...
Dr. Jason Seaver: Mike, just say it. Okay?
Mike: Okay. Me, and Eddie and Boner... we ended up at a party where everybody was doing cocaine.
Dr. Jason Seaver: [stands up abruptly] Cocaine?
Mike: Wait, remember! You're not my dad! You're a friend!
Dr. Jason Seaver: [throws up his hands] Cocaine?
[beat]
Dr. Jason Seaver: Really?
Mike: [stands up and paces the room] Yeah, and if you didn't do it, you were a wimp!
Dr. Jason Seaver: [musing] Cocaine...
Mike: Dad, I never felt so much pressure in my life!
Dr. Jason Seaver: And?
Mike: Even from Boner and Eddie!
Dr. Jason Seaver: And?
Mike: Dad, it was like I didn't even have a choice!
Dr. Jason Seaver: AND?
Mike: I didn't do it.
Dr. Jason Seaver: You didn't do it, as in you did not?
Mike: I didn't do the stupid drug!
Dr. Jason Seaver: [relieved] Well, that's great, Mike! That's... that's wonderful! I always figured you'd make the right choice if you had to face that! I'm relieved, Mike!
Mike: Dad... that's not it!
Dr. Jason Seaver: [bewildered] What?
Mike: Dad, I've been thinking about this since the party. I have been driving and driving...
Dr. Jason Seaver: Mike, you did the right thing!
Mike: That's what kills me!
Dr. Jason Seaver: [confused] I don't understand.
Mike: Dad, I know I did the right thing. It's just that I feel like everybody's gonna laugh at me. And some of those people did laugh!
Dr. Jason Seaver: Mike, you're never gonna be able to please everybody.
Mike: Yeah, well tonight I didn't please anybody.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Except yourself.

Dr. Jason Seaver: [as he is on the phone] Hello, this is - It's a recording.
[Turns to Mike]
Dr. Jason Seaver: .
[Confused]
Dr. Jason Seaver: Sexual Fantasies?
Mike: [Amused] Yeah?
Dr. Jason Seaver: Yeah, Mike.

Kate: [after Mike abruptly proposes to her, smiles] I've got three little words for you.
Mike: 'I love you'?
Kate: [furiously] Get a dog!

Mike: I'll tell you something weird. That moment when Mom and Dad believed me, everything was OK.
Mike: [something new dawns on him] My God, I actually care what they think about me.
Ben: I care what they think about me.
Mike: Well, you're nine. That's OK to feel that way at nine. But I'm fifteen. I'm s'posed to think my parents are scum.
Ben: Are you sure?
Mike: Yeah, everybody knows that. It's on TV all the time.

Mike: [the Seaver kids are making breakfast for their parents on their anniversary] Yeah, Mom and Dad are going to scarf this stuff up. A'ight, we got oaties...
Ben: Check.
Mike: Peanut butter toast...
Ben: Check.
Mike: Space bars...
Ben: Check.
Mike: Champagne...
Ben: Check.
Carol: Stomach pump?
Mike: Oh sure, sure, go ahead and criticize, Carol, but where were you when Ben and I were planning this breakfast?
Carol: Putting on my face.
Ben: You missed!

Carol: Jerk.
Mike: Geek.
[They hug]

Ben: Look, mister - - if you think that machine gun is gonna scare us into buying a set of your lousy encyclopedias, you're mistaken.
Encyclopedia: [in a tone of huffy arrogance] Actually, this is a *SUB*-machine gun. Which is something you would already know - - IF you had bought a set of my encyclopedias! Can anyone tell me what BRAND of gun this is...? No? THOMPSON. This is a THOMPSON submachine gun. You would have known THAT, also... IF your stingy parents has gotten you a set of my encyclopedias! I tried SO HARD to tell them about how important knowledge is to youngsters. But did they listen? Noooo... they couldn't be bothered! They were too busy - - LAUGHing at me! The whole world... LAUGHS at me.
Ben: Why don't you take a job as a comedian?
Mike: [protestingly at Ben, lest he offend the gunman] BEN...!

Carol: [Carol, Jason and Maggie return home from the hospital] So Sandy's parents will be in at around 6?
Mike: [laughs] Yeah, I'm going to go back to the hospital at around 7. Sandy thinks an hour should be enough time for his dad to stop yelling.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Like every other parent, Carol, I would say two hours yelling... minimum. Make it 8 o'clock.
Carol: [Mike enters the living room, his face very serious] Hi, Mike.
Maggie: Hi.
[uneasily]
Maggie: Uh, listen, Carol. That guy Doug just called from the hospital.
Mike: [concerned] Uh-huh?
Maggie: Well, he told me that uh... he said that...
Dr. Jason Seaver: What is it, Mike?
Maggie: [sighs] Carol... Sandy just died.
Carol: Oh my God.
Maggie: Yeah, he said it was just a few minutes ago.
Mike: [frantic and with her fists raised] Michael Seaver, that is the sickest joke that I have ever heard!
[Mike grabs her wrists]
Mike: And I am never going to forgive you!
Maggie: Carol...
Mike: [sobbing] But that's impossible! I mean, we were just down there! I saw him, he looked good, he was laughing, and joking, and sorry that this happened, he wouldn't dare die!
Carol: Honey...
Carol: [screams] No!
Mike: [to Jason] The doctor said that he was just... um, bleeding inside... or something... internal...
Dr. Jason Seaver: [nodding] Hemorrhaging.
Carol: But Mom, this has to be some mistake! I mean, Sandy's gonna be fine! He told me!
[Maggie embraces her, but she abruptly pushes her away]
Carol: No! This isn't fair! What happened to his second chance? What happened to his second chance?
[she breaks down, sobbing uncontrollably as her parents and Mike gather around her in a group embrance]

Julie: [letter, in tears] 'Dear Mike, by the time you read this, I'll be on a plane. And I've never written a letter like this before, so I don't know how to start. I've been thinking about you and me and marriage, and - well, I know you think that all the time I've been the mature and sure one, but I have to say when it comes to us, you've been the mature one.'
Mike: [curiously, to himself] I've been the mature one?
Julie: [letter continues] 'Don't deny it. I - I just want to know how you can know so much. Mike, I've got so many questions and I've got so many doubts, and maybe I'm crazy or just scared out of my mind, I don't know, maybe it's just cold feet. But all I know right now is I can't go through with this. And I wanted to tell you all this this morning when you came by, but how could I? I mean you looked so determined with all those invitations under your arm. Well, by the time I got up my courage, I ran out to the hallway and you were already gone. And look, I - I know my confusion must be hard for you to understand.'
Mike: [solemnly] It's not that hard.
Julie: [letter continues] 'Mike, I'm sorry. I wished I could be more like you and - but I'm not. So take care of yourself. Love, Julie.'

Ben: [comes home wearing glasses for the first time] One crack and I'm gone.
Dr. Jason Seaver: [Mike laughs in convulsions] Mike, cut that out.
Mike: [as if in pain] Oh, you don't know what you're askin', Dad.
Carol: Well, I'll say something. I think you look brainy.
Ben: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.
[he tries to run back outside, restrained by Jason]
Mike: Oh, don't stop him, Dad, my pancreas is about to blow.
Ben: Dad, brainy is just another word for geek.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Hey, I wear glasses, I'm not a geek.
Ben: Sure, you've got a woman.
[he leaves]
Mike: [playing it for all it's worth] Oh, man, I gotta go lay down. I think I just hurt myself.

Dr. Jason Seaver: [as Mike is heading upstairs to bed] Eddie and Boner called for you.
Mike: [surprised] What?
Dr. Jason Seaver: They said they didn't go to the bathroom... and they don't want to.
Mike: [smiles thoughtfully] Well, what do you know?
Dr. Jason Seaver: What does that mean?
Mike: A lot!
Dr. Jason Seaver: [Mike heads upstairs, leaving Jason more confused than ever] What a world.
[Jason turns to go upstairs behind Mike, but turns back to secure the chain across the front door]

Amy: [Amy and Mike are stranded in Spain trying to get to France] Mike, we are stranded in Europe, a city that is 5,000 miles away from where we want to get to.
Mike: Actually here I believe they use kilometres.

Mike: [to Carol] Come on you're my sister, I'm supposed to call you ugly.

Jason: My father built this cabin by hand.
Mike: Wow! No tools or anything? Cool!

Carol: Are you sure you're not just after my blank check?
Mike: Of course not! What kind of brother do you think I am!
[thinking]
Mike: *Our* blank check.

Jason: [Mike wants to go to California to see Melina] But Mike, airfare to California is very expensive.
Mike: I know dad, but Carol is lending me the money.
Jason: Oh, get outta town!
Mike: OK, thanks dad, bye!

Dr. Jason Seaver: You turned down a date with Jennifer Miller?
Carol: Jennifer 'Wonder Buns' Miller?
Mike: Hey, my attraction to women is not entirely based on physical beauty.
Carol: Yeah, they gotta be stupid, too.