20 Best Ben Seaver Quotes

Ben: Look, mister - - if you think that machine gun is gonna scare us into buying a set of your lousy encyclopedias, you're mistaken.
Encyclopedia: [in a tone of huffy arrogance] Actually, this is a *SUB*-machine gun. Which is something you would already know - - IF you had bought a set of my encyclopedias! Can anyone tell me what BRAND of gun this is...? No? THOMPSON. This is a THOMPSON submachine gun. You would have known THAT, also... IF your stingy parents has gotten you a set of my encyclopedias! I tried SO HARD to tell them about how important knowledge is to youngsters. But did they listen? Noooo... they couldn't be bothered! They were too busy - - LAUGHing at me! The whole world... LAUGHS at me.
Ben: Why don't you take a job as a comedian?
Mike: [protestingly at Ben, lest he offend the gunman] BEN...!

Mike: [reading to his siblings from "Great Expectations", and using a humorously-exaggerated English/British accent] My father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than PIP!
[using the same contrived accent upon hearing the doorbell ring]
Mike: I'll get it.
Ben: [in a mildy disappointed tone of having his listening interrupted] Aww... and I was just getting into it!

Kenny: Hey, yo, Ben, what's up?
Ben: [depressed] Nothin'.
Kenny: You look like you just found out your twin brother was ugly.

Dr. Jason Seaver: [the first shot in Ben's film is of a title card: "This motion picture is rated 'R'... and we all know what *that* means"] Ben, if this movie isn't dirty, then why did you rate it "R"?
Ben: Because no kid wants to see a movie these days, unless it's rated "R".
[Mike comes in; what perfect timing!]
Mike: Hi, Ben - Wow, your movie's rated "R"? I'm watching it!
Ben: See what I mean?
[whispered aside]
Ben: Thanks, Mike; you saved my life.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Consider it a stay of execution.

[as Ben studies, visions of his friends and family appear before him]
Vito: Ben, what are you doing sitting up studying? You've got the answer sheet in your pocket. Doesn't that bed look mighty comfortable?
Ben: [scoffs] I can't cheat, Vito, they're onto me!
Vito: You're not thinking. You don't have to get them all right; just make sure you get a couple wrong.
Ben: Well, how do I do that?
Vito: Just be yourself.
Mike: They're witches, Ben, they're witches!
Maggie: [evilly] Ben, you bring home another D in Science, you'll see a side of me you have never seen before!
Carol: [shown in a kangaroo suit] Ben, if I hadn't mentioned it before, let me mention it now: you're a real disappointment to me and the other marsupials.
Vito: [more visions freak out Ben] Come on, Ben, cheat!
Stinky: Yeah, Ben, cheat!
Dr. Jason Seaver: Of course it's not okay to cheat!
Vito: Hey, who will know?
Mike: They are witches, Ben!
Stinky: What else can we do?
Carol: [a realistic kangaroo is shown] Marsupial! Marsupial!
Maggie: [in the style of the Wicked Witch of the West] ... and your little dog, too! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA!

Slash: Mike! Long time no see, Buddy!
[noticing the other, younger siblings with him, and making a slightly pompous but merely half-hearted show of following the rules of admittance]
Slash: Yo, you dudes got some I.D.?
Mike: [proudly taking out his parents' clear fanfold of cards and letting it flutter open in a long impressive strip that nearly touches the floor] Here you are, m'man!
Slash: [peering at one of Maggie's cards] Hmmmm... age 47?
[glances at Carol's smooth youthful features]
Slash: Looks pretty good to me.
[seeing Jason's military I.D., then turning briefly to Ben]
Slash: 'Nam, huh?
Ben: [confidently playing along] Yup!
Slash: How was it?
Ben: It was HELL!

Slash: [turning to Ben and Carol after a punk chick has collared Mike and led him off to sit with her at a far table] And if you dudes want, I can even let you help me run this joint while you're here.
Ben: [in a bold bellow] I wanna be a BARTENDER!
Carol: [eagerly] I could be a waitress!
Slash: [unceremoneously snatching a serving tray from a surprised waiter who is passing by, and handing the tray to Carol] You GOT it, Toots!

[last lines of the series]
Dr. Jason Seaver: Well, I don't mean to break up the fun, but we've got a long drive to Washington. Guess we better hit the road.
Mike: Yeah, I've gotta go break in my new landlord.
Carol: Dwight's driving me to my dorm.
Chrissy: Can't we stay and see what the new people look like?
Ben: [solemnly] I'd rather not know.
Carol: Me either.
Maggie: Oh, come on, we better get moving.
[the entire family leaves and look back at the empty house for the last time]
Carol: [tearfully] Goodbye...

Ben: [Ben is waiting outside the boys restroom] Louis?
Louis: [on other side of door] Seaver-face!
Ben: I hear you've been looking for me.
Louis: Yeah?
Ben: So I'm here.
Louis: Whatsa matter? Afraid to come in?
Ben: You're afraid to come out!
[pause]
Ben: Louis?
[beat]
Ben: Hey, Dad was right!
Louis: [coming out] All right, you little...
[he stands toe to toe with Ben, who's half a head taller than him]
Louis: You... you GREW!
Ben: You didn't!
Louis: [toilet flushes in background] I think that's my bus.

Ben: [the anxious parents fantasize that Mike has moved the LP gas grille into the living room to cook hamburgers. Mike, not being familiar with how to operate the grille, has a bit of confusion and uncertainty getting it to power up, but then figures it out. Seconds later, though, there is a tremendous boom, and thick clouds of gray smoke billow out from off-camera. Ben casually turns without batting an eyelash and speaks in a whiny complaining tone, as if exploding household appliances are a common-enough event in his boring home life] Aw, c'mon, Mike - - I wanted mine done RARE!

Ben: [after Mike finishes telling their parents that they had all been away from the apartment merely because a trusted elderly couple from down the hall had invited them over for pastries] And THEN they pulled out their VACATION SLIDES - - they went EVERYWHERE!
Dr. Jason Seaver: But we called you again at ten o'clock, Mike - - where the hell were ya?
Mike: Norway!
Ben: [in slightly weary tone of boredom from having sat through several hours of viewing slides] Something to keep in mind, Mom - - when you've seen one fjord, you've seen 'em all!

Chrissy: [sees the whole family having fun without her] I knew it! I caught you!
[everyone gasps]
Dr. Jason Seaver: What should we do?
Mike: Put her back to bed!
[Mike picks up Chrissy sending her back to her room]
Dr. Jason Seaver,112699: [chanting] Put her back to bed! Put her back to bed! Put her back to bed! Put her back to bed!
Chrissy: [crying] STOP IT! STOP IT!
[Chrissy is shown already in bed having a nightmare]
Chrissy: Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it!
Dr. Jason Seaver: [runs upstairs with Maggie] Honey, what's wrong?
Chrissy: That's it! I'm never going to sleep again!

Jason: Just imagine you're sitting around and are happy and suddenly someone comes in and says "I see you're all happy and now I'm gonna take this away."
Ben: That guy must be a teacher.

[Vito is handing out invitations]
Stinky: What does RSVP mean?
Ben: Don't be an idiot, Stinky, it means Refreshments Served at Vito's Party!

Maggie: Four pages that are typed.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Researched.
Maggie: Footnoted.
Dr. Jason Seaver: With bibliography.
Maggie: That you should have been working on for four weeks.
Dr. Jason Seaver: And it is due tomorrow. And...
Maggie: According to your teacher...
Dr. Jason Seaver: If you don't get at least a 'B' on this paper...
Maggie: You won't pass the course. That means you...
Carol: Won't graduate!
Ben: Yeah!

Mike: I'll tell you something weird. That moment when Mom and Dad believed me, everything was OK.
Mike: [something new dawns on him] My God, I actually care what they think about me.
Ben: I care what they think about me.
Mike: Well, you're nine. That's OK to feel that way at nine. But I'm fifteen. I'm s'posed to think my parents are scum.
Ben: Are you sure?
Mike: Yeah, everybody knows that. It's on TV all the time.

Ben: [after carol reads Jason's old book, in delight] So I got a divorce for my family history!
Carol: I guess...
Ben: [runs upstairs] Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!
[a shot of the Seaver house on a winter's day is shown]
Ben: [off-camera, shouts] OH, NO! AAAAAHHHH!

Jason: [Ben's video comes on, with him holding a sign] Ben, it's rated R. Come on, you even admit it's dirty.
Ben: Relax, Dad, it's just for advertising.
Jason: Oh really?
Ben: Yeah, no kid would want to watch a movie if it wasn't rated R.

Mike: Hey Guys.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Don't you go far, Mike. I may wanna talk to you.
Mike: What did I do?
Dr. Jason Seaver: [Angrily] I haven't found it yet.
Mike: What's going on?
Ben: [Whispering] It's bill paying day.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Oh, I don't believe this one.
[as the kids run away]
Dr. Jason Seaver: Halt! Two hundred and sixteen dollars for a one-month phone bill?
Mike: [Shocked at the amount] Is that high?

Ben: [comes home wearing glasses for the first time] One crack and I'm gone.
Dr. Jason Seaver: [Mike laughs in convulsions] Mike, cut that out.
Mike: [as if in pain] Oh, you don't know what you're askin', Dad.
Carol: Well, I'll say something. I think you look brainy.
Ben: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.
[he tries to run back outside, restrained by Jason]
Mike: Oh, don't stop him, Dad, my pancreas is about to blow.
Ben: Dad, brainy is just another word for geek.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Hey, I wear glasses, I'm not a geek.
Ben: Sure, you've got a woman.
[he leaves]
Mike: [playing it for all it's worth] Oh, man, I gotta go lay down. I think I just hurt myself.