The Best Joanna Kerns Quotes

Mike: Don't worry, I'm taking my subjects seriously this year.
Maggie: [reads his enrollment form] "Bugs Bunny as Archetype: Hero or Wascal"?
Mike: If Boynton State Teachers' College offers it, e-b-dee, e-b-dee, that's enough for me!

Maggie: Chrissy, it's 8:00. Turn the TV off.
Chrissy: [does so] Great, time to PART-AY!

[the Seavers show up for the school dance even though Principal Hinkley has forbidden them to chaperone]
Mrs. Hinkley: [sing-song voice] Just because you're here doesn't mean you're chaperones!
Maggie: [same sing-song voice] Just because you're here doesn't mean you're here!

Maggie: Carol, how dare you disobey us!
Jason: I never thought I would ever say that but Carol Ann Seaver, you're grounded.
Carol: Wait...
Maggie: No explanations. You are not getting a nose job.
Carol: I know.
Jason: What?
Carol: I'm not getting a nose job.
Jason: Don't confuse us by agreeing with us, Carol.

Sgt. Joseph Getraer: Doctor... you are innocent as far as the accident is concerned.
Dr. Colleen Jacobs: [tearfully] I know that now.
[sobs]
Dr. Colleen Jacobs: But I am *so* embarrassed that I am *deeply* ashamed of myself.

Maggie: Four pages that are typed.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Researched.
Maggie: Footnoted.
Dr. Jason Seaver: With bibliography.
Maggie: That you should have been working on for four weeks.
Dr. Jason Seaver: And it is due tomorrow. And...
Maggie: According to your teacher...
Dr. Jason Seaver: If you don't get at least a 'B' on this paper...
Maggie: You won't pass the course. That means you...
Carol: Won't graduate!
Ben: Yeah!

[last lines of the series]
Dr. Jason Seaver: Well, I don't mean to break up the fun, but we've got a long drive to Washington. Guess we better hit the road.
Mike: Yeah, I've gotta go break in my new landlord.
Carol: Dwight's driving me to my dorm.
Chrissy: Can't we stay and see what the new people look like?
Ben: [solemnly] I'd rather not know.
Carol: Me either.
Maggie: Oh, come on, we better get moving.
[the entire family leaves and look back at the empty house for the last time]
Carol: [tearfully] Goodbye...

Chrissy: [after Ben, Luke and Mike get kicked out of the kitchen] Can't they stay? I've never seen a food fight before.
Dr. Jason Seaver: [Angrily] You just stay here and eat your chicken and fungus
Maggie: [Gives Jason a stern look]

Chrissy: [sees the whole family having fun without her] I knew it! I caught you!
[everyone gasps]
Dr. Jason Seaver: What should we do?
Mike: Put her back to bed!
[Mike picks up Chrissy sending her back to her room]
Dr. Jason Seaver,112699: [chanting] Put her back to bed! Put her back to bed! Put her back to bed! Put her back to bed!
Chrissy: [crying] STOP IT! STOP IT!
[Chrissy is shown already in bed having a nightmare]
Chrissy: Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it!
Dr. Jason Seaver: [runs upstairs with Maggie] Honey, what's wrong?
Chrissy: That's it! I'm never going to sleep again!

Mike: Mom, it was an accident, I swear.
Maggie: Mike, this is your last warning. If we catch you skateboarding in the house again you'll lose your phone privileges, your stereo, and your allowance for two months
Mike: Mom
Maggie: Roar!
[Intimidating Mike]
Mike: Okay.

Dr. Jason Seaver: [Jason and Maggie arrive at the hospital, where they confront Carol after the accident] Were you drinking?
Carol: Yes.
Maggie: Was Sandy?
Carol: Yes... and driving.
Maggie: [angry] Carol, we have talked about this!
Carol: Mom!
Dr. Jason Seaver: I don't believe what I'm hearing, Carol! I thought you had more sense to get into a car with a guy like that!
Carol: I do!
Dr. Jason Seaver: Well, it doesn't sound like that to me!

[as Ben studies, visions of his friends and family appear before him]
Vito: Ben, what are you doing sitting up studying? You've got the answer sheet in your pocket. Doesn't that bed look mighty comfortable?
Ben: [scoffs] I can't cheat, Vito, they're onto me!
Vito: You're not thinking. You don't have to get them all right; just make sure you get a couple wrong.
Ben: Well, how do I do that?
Vito: Just be yourself.
Mike: They're witches, Ben, they're witches!
Maggie: [evilly] Ben, you bring home another D in Science, you'll see a side of me you have never seen before!
Carol: [shown in a kangaroo suit] Ben, if I hadn't mentioned it before, let me mention it now: you're a real disappointment to me and the other marsupials.
Vito: [more visions freak out Ben] Come on, Ben, cheat!
Stinky: Yeah, Ben, cheat!
Dr. Jason Seaver: Of course it's not okay to cheat!
Vito: Hey, who will know?
Mike: They are witches, Ben!
Stinky: What else can we do?
Carol: [a realistic kangaroo is shown] Marsupial! Marsupial!
Maggie: [in the style of the Wicked Witch of the West] ... and your little dog, too! AH, HA, HA, HA, HA!

Mike: Okay, look one, I was actually on time. And two, I admitted openly and honestly that I lied. And three...
Maggie: [Interrupting Mike] And three you are grounded in this house. For the remainder of the weekend, in bed by eight, and no TV.
Dr. Jason Seaver: [after Maggie walks away] Well, let's put it this way, Mike. At least you got two of the three points.

Carol: [Carol, Jason and Maggie return home from the hospital] So Sandy's parents will be in at around 6?
Mike: [laughs] Yeah, I'm going to go back to the hospital at around 7. Sandy thinks an hour should be enough time for his dad to stop yelling.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Like every other parent, Carol, I would say two hours yelling... minimum. Make it 8 o'clock.
Carol: [Mike enters the living room, his face very serious] Hi, Mike.
Maggie: Hi.
[uneasily]
Maggie: Uh, listen, Carol. That guy Doug just called from the hospital.
Mike: [concerned] Uh-huh?
Maggie: Well, he told me that uh... he said that...
Dr. Jason Seaver: What is it, Mike?
Maggie: [sighs] Carol... Sandy just died.
Carol: Oh my God.
Maggie: Yeah, he said it was just a few minutes ago.
Mike: [frantic and with her fists raised] Michael Seaver, that is the sickest joke that I have ever heard!
[Mike grabs her wrists]
Mike: And I am never going to forgive you!
Maggie: Carol...
Mike: [sobbing] But that's impossible! I mean, we were just down there! I saw him, he looked good, he was laughing, and joking, and sorry that this happened, he wouldn't dare die!
Carol: Honey...
Carol: [screams] No!
Mike: [to Jason] The doctor said that he was just... um, bleeding inside... or something... internal...
Dr. Jason Seaver: [nodding] Hemorrhaging.
Carol: But Mom, this has to be some mistake! I mean, Sandy's gonna be fine! He told me!
[Maggie embraces her, but she abruptly pushes her away]
Carol: No! This isn't fair! What happened to his second chance? What happened to his second chance?
[she breaks down, sobbing uncontrollably as her parents and Mike gather around her in a group embrance]

Maggie: [Carol, Jason and Maggie return home from the hospital] So Sandy's parents will be in at around 6?
Carol: [laughs] Yeah, I'm going to go back to the hospital at around 7. Sandy thinks an hour should be enough time for his dad to stop yelling.
Dr. Jason Seaver: Like every other parent, Carol, I would say two hours yelling... minimum. Make it 8 o'clock.
Maggie: [Mike enters the living room, his face very serious] Hi, Mike.
Mike: Hi.
[uneasily]
Mike: Uh, listen, Carol. That guy Doug just called from the hospital.
Carol: [concerned] Uh-huh?
Mike: Well, he told me that uh... he said that...
Dr. Jason Seaver: What is it, Mike?
Mike: [sighs] Carol... Sandy just died.
Maggie: Oh my God.
Mike: Yeah, he said it was just a few minutes ago.
Carol: [frantic and with her fists raised] Michael Seaver, that is the sickest joke that I have ever heard!
[Mike grabs her wrists]
Carol: And I am never going to forgive you!
Maggie: Carol...
Carol: [sobbing] But that's impossible! I mean, we were just down there! I saw him, he looked good, he was laughing, and joking, and sorry that this happened, he wouldn't dare die!
Maggie: Honey...
Carol: [screams] No!
Mike: [to Jason] The doctor said that he was just... um, bleeding inside... or something... internal...
Dr. Jason Seaver: [nodding] Hemorrhaging.
Carol: But Mom, this has to be some mistake! I mean, Sandy's gonna be fine! He told me!
[Maggie embraces her, but she abruptly pushes her away]
Carol: No! This isn't fair! What happened to his second chance? What happened to his second chance?
[she breaks down, sobbing uncontrollably as her parents and Mike gather around her in a group embrance]

Ben: [complaining about his bad first day at school] At lunch, some big guy with sideburns forced me to eat green jello. God help me, I liked it.
Chrissy: [astonished] You ate green jello?
Ben: Yeah. And it was like a nerd magnet. The whole Chess Club sat with me. They elected me president.
Maggie: Ben, that doesn't make you a nerd.
Ben: [he pulls a piece of paper out of his back pocket] No? Well this does. The school nurse says I need glasses. We're talkin' Full Frontal Nerdity.

Maggie: [on Chrissy's first day of kindergarten] You are gonna have so much fun today. Just remember to be polite, and share, and do what your teacher says.
Ben: Great advice, Mom. Why don't you just tattoo 'Dweeb' on her forehead.
Chrissy: Wait a minute. Nobody said anything about tattoos!
Maggie: Honey, your brother is just using a figure of speech, as in: Put a sock in it!
Ben: Mom, on the first day of school, if you're not careful, you'll get a label that's gonna dog you for the rest-a your life.
Chrissy: [getting nervous] Like what?
Ben: Sit in front - Dorfburger. Answer any questions - Boogerhead. Hang out with anyone wearing glasses - Geekus Maximus. And most important: Eat the green jello - 'Hasta la vista, baby!'
Chrissy: What is wrong with green jello?
Ben: Leo 'Lime-Tongue' Plotnick.
Maggie: And who's he?
Ben: Just the secretary-slash-treasurer of the Chess Club.