700 Best Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: There are a lot of fish in the sea, but after you catch them and eat them, then what?

Evelyn: We are at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

Herb: Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
Judith: That's why I need eggnog.
Herb: Hey! I spent Thanksgiving with *your* parents!
Alan: Oh, really? Your mom's out of rehab?
Judith: Yes, my mom's out of rehab.
Herb: Actually, she kind of jumped the fence.
Alan: Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law. You might as well get used to it. Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?
[Judith glares at Alan]
Alan: On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.

Alan: She needed a place to stay for a couple of days. What would you have said?
Charlie: I would have sat her down and explained my sincere belief that there are boundaries between employer and employee which exist specifically to protect said employer from accidentally seeing the employee prancing around in her big, cotton, granny panties!

Charlie: Jake's in the bathroom. He's either finishing breakfast or starting lunch.
Herb: Well, he's a growing boy.
Charlie: He's a growing pain in my ass.
Alan: He says that with love.
Charlie: No, I say it with a dull, throbbing pain in my ass.

Alan: Come on, Charlie, do the math. You haven't seen the woman in nine years and she's got an eight-year-old.
Charlie: So what? You showed up at my door with a ten-year-old and I hadn't seen you in eleven years. Does that mean taterhead is our love child?
Alan: All right, fine! Stay in denial! There's no way little Chuck is your son.
Berta: Chuck?

Leanne: What can I get you?
Rose: Grain alcohol, please.
Leanne: We don't have grain alcohol.
Rose: Okay. Uh, just a Sprite.

Berta: You got a gun?
Norman: No!
Berta: Want one?
Alan: Berta!
Berta: I'm making small talk!

Alan: The office opens at eight.
Charlie: [shocked] O'clock?
Alan: [sarcastically] No, degrees.

Alan: [regarding Rose] What do you think she's going to do?
Charlie: It's not a question of what, it's a question of when. And, how am I going to enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles superglued to my asscrack?

[Alan finds out Judith is getting married, meaning he won't have to pay any alimony]
Charlie: Five, six, seven, eight...
Alan: [sings] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!

Alan: I hope this is a good driving wine.

Alan: A bribable child is a controllable child.

Jake: Did you get Mom a present when you got divorced?
Alan: A present?
Jake: Yeah. You know, a memento of your time together.
Alan: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.

Rose: So, Alan. Tell me about yourself.
Alan: What would you like to know ?
Rose: Everything. I really don't know that much about you, aside from the fact that you're Charlie's brother and Jake's dad. Graduated from Cal State Long Beach, married your college sweet heart, and sometimes in the middle of the night when you're half asleep you pee sitting down.
Alan: Have you been spying on me?
Rose: No, silly. I spy on Charlie. You just get in the way sometimes.
Alan: You know what? Why don't you tell me about you?
Rose: Well, okay. Well, let's see. I, too, pee sitting down, so we have that in common. I come from a wealthy family, so, I guess I've had kind of a sheltered life. You know, fancy private schools and colleges.
Alan: No kidding. What college did you go to?
Rose: Princeton. But just for two years.
Alan: Oh. So, you dropped out.
Rose: No, I finished. Then I came back to California to do my Masters at Stanford.
Alan: That's amazing. What's your degree in?
[Alan and Rose are seated in the theater, waiting for the movie to begin. A lady goes to sit down in front of the two but Rose blows a raspberry on her wrist and the lady moves away]
Rose: Behavioral psychology.

Alan: Incredible! I've been living here for two years and you still consider me a houseguest?
Charlie: No. My houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.
Alan: Oh, sorry. I'll pop a bottle of Chardonnay and assume the position.
Charlie: Don't write checks your ass can't cash, Alan.

Alan: [to Charlie] "I'm sorry" does not make up for leaving me in a hotel room with a girl with a vestigial penis.

Charlie: Secret elixir, huh? Well, I'm usually more of a bourbon guy but when push comes to shove I don't know what the hell's in that either.

[repeated line]
Berta: [whenever she sees a big mess being made] I ain't cleaning that up!

Dr. Linda Freeman: I've got five minutes before my next patient, so, why don't you just give me the headlines.
Charlie: All right. I'm seein' a woman.
Dr. Linda Freeman: That's not a headline, Charlie. That's the name of the paper.
Charlie: I know, I know, but... But she's different from the type of woman I usually go out with.
Dr. Linda Freeman: Different how?
Charlie: Well, she's a little older.
Dr. Linda Freeman: Well, you couldn't really go younger without having to register with the authorities.
Charlie: I mean, she's older than me.
Dr. Linda Freeman: Oh. We have our headline.
Charlie: And I'm confused because I have really strong feelings towards her.
Dr. Linda Freeman: Do you find her attractive?
Charlie: Yeah, she's gorgeous!
Dr. Linda Freeman: How's the sex?
Charlie: We haven't had sex yet.
Dr. Linda Freeman: Hold the presses! We have a new headline.
Charlie: Do I have to pay extra for the sarcasm?
Dr. Linda Freeman: No, it's a flat rate.

Sandy: What would Christmas be, without caroling?
Charlie: Hannukah?

Alan: [Charlie plans to break up with Sherri] Why?
Charlie: Because she's a self-centered, manipulative narcissist.
Alan: So are you.
Charlie: Hello?

Alan: You're supposed to be finishing your report.
Jake: I know. I can't find the book.
Alan: You're kidding! We - we just bought it!
Jake: What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.
Alan: Find... the book.
Jake: I'm really tired.
Alan: Find... the book!
Jake: Just saying it won't make it happen.
Alan: [as Charlie walks into the house] FIND... THE... BOOK!
Jake: [to Charlie, while running away] Heads up! He's losing it!
Alan: I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!

Charlie: [Jake is getting on Charlie's nerves] How long is this whole 'grounding' thing gonna go on for?
Alan: Two weeks.
Charlie: Two weeks?
Alan: Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.
Charlie: That's what you're punishing him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.
Alan: No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.
Charlie: Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.

Alan: Rose?
Rose: Yes, sweetie?
Alan: You're a stalker.
Rose: I prefer to be called "boundary challenged".
Alan: Just go away.
Rose: Go away?
[chuckles]
Rose: Alan, I'm a stalker.

Jake: [curious about his father's upcoming colonoscopy] Why do they have to do it?
Charlie: They just want to see what's going on up there.
Jake: Did Dad *lose* something? 'Cause when I swallowed thirty-five cents, we just waited for it to come out.
Charlie: No kiddin'.
Jake: Yeah, but I only got thirty cents back.
Charlie: Well, the house always takes a cut.

Laura: [about to leave the room to change into an outfit] Don't go away.
Charlie: Don't worry. There's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere!

Russell: [at pharmacy] What else?
Charlie: Uhm... let's see. Cough syrup.
Russell: Regular or codeine?
Charlie: Don't you need a prescription for codeine?
Russell: What are you, a cop?

Dr. Linda Freeman: [talking about Chelsea] Why did she dump you?
Charlie: Who can understand a woman's mind?
Dr. Linda Freeman: Yeah, we're pretty little puzzles, ain't we?
Charlie: So, it's not just me.

Charlie: [to Alan] I think if she wanted to keep you on a leash like a neutered poodle, she shouldn't have divorced you.

Evelyn: [Jake is complaining about having fruit for breakfast] Oh. Well, I'm sorry, sweetheart. If I'd known you were coming, I'd have stocked up on crap.
Jake: Well, maybe we can go crap shopping later.

Jake: Can I watch TV?
Charlie: I don't see why not. You've got eyes and a butt.

Berta: [about Charlie] I give him another week before he's out on the beach, humping wet sand.

Alan: [about getting a hooker] Try to get a non-smoker.
Charlie: Sure. Who wants a girl who'd put one of those nasty things in her mouth?

Charlie: ["babysitting" Alan's office for a few hours] Don't worry about a thing. It's under control. You can count on me.
Alan: Oh, if I could believe even one of those things.

Charlie: All right. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
[goes to the phone]
Berta: What are you going to do?
Charlie: Something I hoped I'd never have to do.
Rose: You don't mean...
Charlie: Afraid so... Hello? Mom?

Dorothy: Alan?
Alan: Uh, yes.
Dorothy: I haven't seen you in thirty-five years.
Alan: No kidding. Uh, I'm sorry, I... I... I don't remember you.
Dorothy: Oh. Well, I'm not surprised. At the time, you were busy learning to use the big boy potty.
Alan: Ah. Well, I did it!

Alan: [voice comes from upstairs, as Charlie opens the front door to find Evelyn dressed in black, holding a scythe] Who's at the door?
Charlie: It's Death!
Alan: Hi, Mom!

Norma: [Jake sneezes] God bless you!
Jake: He'd better! I sent him five bucks!

Berta: Boy, I'm glad I stopped coming to work high.

Lydia: You need to talk to your maid!
Charlie: Shh! Keep your voice down!
Alan: Yeah, we don't use the "M-Word" around here.
Lydia: Why not?
Alan: Because it's disrespectful.
Charlie: And demeaning.
Alan: And *wildly* inaccurate.

Melissa: Well, I'm off to work.
Alan: Oh. Have a good day, Sweetie.
Melissa: I'll be home about 6:30.
Alan: Okay.
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: She's not living here.
Charlie: Just checkin'.
Jake: [to himself] And he calls *me* stupid.

Alan: You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie... women Charlie sleeps with... Charlie's bookie... women Charlie hopes to sleep with... termites... *me*!

Charlie: [drunk] Thank you for transporting me home. You are a terrific cab driver and I hope some day to visit your country. Damn, where is that key? Here key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key! Ah-ha! Hello, key.
[door won't open]
Charlie: Oh, no! Wrong house! I'm lost!
[Alan opens the door from the inside]
Alan: Hello?
Charlie: Oh! Hey, Alan! Come on in!
Alan: Why don't you come in here?
Charlie: I can't. I lost my key.
[shows his keys]
Charlie: Daaaaaah!
Alan: Had a... a few cocktails, did we?
Charlie: Me, too.

Charlie: Let me tell you something, Alan. You're only as young as the women you feel... And lately I've been feeling about 24.

Alan: Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.
Charlie: Pull.

Alan: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?
Jake: It's 1-2-3-4. A monkey could crack that.

Charlie: [showing Alan the secret money stash] You sure?
Alan: Oh! Where did you find that? I mean, what is that?
Charlie: About $5,000 in small bills.
Alan: Wow! Wow, that much!
Charlie: A little less, since I paid for the pizza. And tipped the guy a fifty.
Alan: You gave him a $50 tip?
Charlie: Yep. Now I'm gonna go light my cigar with a hundred.

Alan: [Jake is making excuses for not doing a book report] So, what did you intend to do about the report?
Jake: You mean aside from the earthquake?
Alan: Yeah.
Jake: Well, I kinda put all my eggs in the earthquake basket.

Jake: [driving, sticks his elbow out the window]
Alan: What are you doing?
Jake: Driving.
Alan: Both hands. Ten and two.
Jake: Twelve.
Alan: No, no, like a clock. 10:00 and 2:00.
Jake: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Charlie: [after Jake screws up yet again] I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him.
Alan: I never took any LSD.
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.

Charlie: Mom! Thank God, you're here!
Evelyn: Oh, I don't need your sarcasm, Charlie.

Mrs. Schmidt: What the hell is wrong with you?
Alan: I don't know...
[pause]
Alan: I was a bottle baby.

Charlie: I mean, you're a little kookoo, Judith, but compared to our mother, you're like a fart in a hurricane.

Alan: Charlie, the key under the fake rock only works if it's with other rocks, not sitting on your doormat!

Charlie: [Rose strokes Charlie's hair, waking him] Rose, how do you keep getting in the house?
Rose: [Rose has been lying next to Charlie in bed for a while without him knowing] Oh, Charlie, aren't we past that? I just thought you'd like to know that your brother's sleepwalking again.
Charlie: And you had to get in bed with me to tell me that?
Rose: No, silly. I was already in bed with you.

Charlie: So, how big a difference are we talking about ?
Kandi: It's *huge*.
Charlie: Really?
Kandi: Oh, yeah. With you, sex is kinda like going on Space Mountain. It's a good ride, but there's never any real danger.
[Charlie looks a little puzzled]
Kandi: With Alan, it's like being in the back seat of a car driven by a really smart kangaroo. He may go up on the curb a couple of times, but he'll get you there.
Charlie: Okay. Thanks for clearing that up.
[Kandi leaves room]
Charlie: [knowing he's won] There's a two hour wait for Space Mountain.

Jake: Sophie says soccer is the most popular sport in the world.
Charlie: Well, then they don't need *us* to watch it.

Berta: [speaking of her granddaughter, who is spending the day with her] She's playing with Jake.
Alan: Oh, good! A little playmate for Jake. That'll give him something to do for today.
Charlie: I just hope they're quiet, 'cause I've got a lot of work to do.
Prudence: [entering, wearing a skimpy top and skimpier hip-hugger jean shorts] Nana, did you throw out my cigarettes again?
Alan: [simultaneously with Charlie] Dear God!
Charlie: [simultaneously with Alan] Oh, Hell!

Prudence: Hi, Alan. What kind of car do you drive?
Alan: Uh, uh, a Volvo station wagon.
Prudence: [to Charlie] What do you got?
Charlie: [hurriedly] I got nothing. Not a damn thing!
Jake: [Jake enters] Hey, Prudence! I set up my X-box. You ready to play?
Prudence: Sure!
Berta: [from off screen] Get to work, Prudence!
Prudence: Maybe later, handsome.
[under her breath]
Prudence: Stupid old woman.
Jake: Isn't she wonderful?
Alan: [simultaneously with Charlie] Dear God!
Charlie: [simultaneously with Alan] Oh, Hell!

[repeated line]
Various: Rat bastard!

Greg: So, Charlie! I am guessing by the stack of racing forms next to the can, you bet the ponies.
Charlie: Hey, I'd bet on rabbits if you could get 'em organized.

Evelyn: Believe it or not, Alan, your mother is a very sensitive woman and I can feel when people around me know that I hate them.

Charlie: Oh, Raffi, you magnificent son of a bitch. How does he do it? What does he have that I don't?
Alan: Well, judging from first impressions: a genuine love of children and bladder control.
Charlie: That was a cheap shot.
Alan: I take them when I can.

Olivia: You said I was very special to you.
Charlie: You were!
Olivia: Yeah! Me and three other women!
Charlie: I said you were special... not unique.

Alan: [Talking about Kandi] She thinks I'm special. She thinks I'm smart.
Charlie: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio's father!

Alan: [Charlie's making an Alka Seltzer] You, too?
Charlie: Yeah. Apparently, Mom wasn't the only parasite at dinner tonight.

Charlie: I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.
Alan: You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit.

Charlie: What?
Berta: [to Jake] And they call *you* slow.
Alan: You're kidding, right? You don't see it?
Charlie: See what?
Alan: Lydia and Mom?
Charlie: What about them?
Berta: Come on, Charlie! The only difference between those two broads is you came out of one and -
[Charlie cuts her off]

Charlie: I don't know why you continue to bang your head against the wall. The kid's obviously destined to sell tube socks from the back of his car.
Alan: A business of his own. Gee, that'd be swell.

Jamie: Alan?
Alan: Jamie!
Charlie: Woof!

Judith: [to Jake] Hey, honey. Would you, uh, wait in the car, please?
Jake: Who's in trouble? Me or Dad?
Judith: No one's in trouble.
Jake: [to Alan] It's you.

Charlie: Normally, at this point in the relationship, I'm busy plotting the appropriate exit strategy.

Chelsea: [wakes up sick in the middle of the night] Maybe I should go home.
Charlie: Well, if you think that's the right thing to do...
Chelsea: [angry] Charlie! It's the middle of the night and I'm sick! I'm *not* going home!
Charlie: Then why'd you say you were?
Chelsea: I was testing you.
Charlie: Yeah... well... I knew that and I was testing you. I think we both did very well.

Judith: He's been sullen and uncooperative for days. I think he needs to see someone.
Alan: What? What, you mean like a, like a shrink?
Judith: No, Alan, I mean like a blacksmith. This is clearly a reaction to our divorce. He's not processing his emotions in a healthy way, and I think therapy could help unblock him.
Alan: Where do you get that?
Judith: From my therapist.
Alan: [sarcastically] Who's working wonders with you.
Judith: Excuse me!
Alan: [sincerely] Who's working wonders with you!

Sid: Alright, Mr Harper. I've looked at your daughter's vehicle.
Alan: She's not my daughter.
Sid: Oh. Good for you!

Charlie: Congratulations, Alan. Your son is officially pastry-whipped.

Charlie: Forty-year-old women come with a lot of baggage.
Alan: Right. And you have just a carry-on.

Bill: It's me!
Charlie: Me, who?
Charlie: [long pause while he stares at the "stranger"] Nooooo.
Bill: Yes.
Charlie: Jill?
Bill: Bill.
Charlie: Noooooo!

Judith: I will rock his world! I swear!
Alan: You're bluffing.
Judith: Oh, am I? Watch me. Come on, Charlie.
[Judith grabs Charlie's arm and starts leading him upstairs]
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: She's bluffing, Charlie.
Charlie: Are you sure?
Alan: Trust me. She hates you.
Charlie: Trust *me*. That doesn't always stop them!

Charlie: [Charlie sees Jake's former 5th grade teacher, one of his brief "relationships", in the sporting goods store. She leaves abruptly] She was kinda shook up after I broke it off with her.
Jake: Kinda shook up? She went bananas and bit the gym teacher!
Charlie: Where?
Jake: In the gym!

Jake: Dad? If Uncle Charlie let you kick him in the nuts, would that make you guys even?

Jake: I might have to write a book report for Monday.
Alan: What do you mean you might have to write a book report?
Jake: I mean, if there's no earthquake by Monday morning, I have to write a book report.
Alan: Oh, God. So, what's the book?
Jake: William Shakespeare's "The Taming of the Shrew". By William Shakespeare.
Charlie: Hey, that'll come in handy when he's moppin' out the toilets at the House of Pancakes.
Jake: Y'know, I could go for some pancakes.

Charlie: Okay! Okay! So, bottom line, what you're saying is, even if I'm wearing a condom, there's a chance I could get someone pregnant?
Russell: Did you miss eighth grade health class, Charlie?
Charlie: Oh, come on! Who went to health class?

Evelyn: [On the answering machine] Hello, Charlie. It's your mother. Remember me? The woman who carried you in her womb for roughly seven-and-a-half months? Anyway, I'd say call me, but what's the point? I've long since given up expecting any kind of consideration or...
[machine cuts her off]
Chelsea: Seven-and-a-half months?
Charlie: She always said if God had intended us to give up our figures, he wouldn't have invented C-sections and incubators.

Alan: Aren't you going to answer it?
Charlie: Nope.
Alan: What if something happened to Mom?
Charlie: We'll find out when Dorothy brings the broomstick.

[first lines]
Alan: [shouting on the phone] Do you just get up in the morning and figure out ways to make me crazy? Is that what you do? You, you plot it out? "How can I make Alan miserable today? How can I reach into his chest, *rip* out his heart, and suck it dry?"
Charlie: Mom, or ex-wife?
Alan: [hand over phone] Ex-wife.
Charlie: Hi, Judith!
Alan: Charlie says, "Hello".
Alan: She says, "Hi".
[shouting again]
Alan: You're evil and selfish! You know that?... No... No, no, I... I think that *is* a helpful comment! I pay you alimony and child support so that you can have a nice house, a nice car, aaand every weekend free because I've got Jake. And yet, you're telling me that *you* need a *vacation*!... Oh, really?... Oh, really. And what, exactly, is stressing you out, Judith? It is the weekly manicure? The housekeeper?
Charlie: The boob lift.
Alan: [phone] The boob lift?
Charlie: That you paid for.
Alan: [phone] That I paid for!
Charlie: And never got to see.
Alan: [phone] And never got to see!... No, no, no. You listen to me. I think you lead a damn fine life-style, that I work sixty hours a week to support. So, if anybody needs a vacation, it's not you, it's me!... Alright then!... Good-bye.
Alan: [to Charlie] Um, Judith's going to Hawaii for a week, so Jake's staying here.
Charlie: [sarcastically] I'm shocked.

Berta: Choose your words carefully, Slim.
Lydia: Slim? Why, thank you! I watch what I eat.
Berta: Going in or coming out?

[repeated line]
Melissa: Yeppers!

Charlie: Let me put it this way: alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain cells.
Jake: Yeah, so?
Charlie: I rest my case.
Jake: What case?

Charlie: I got some more bad news.
Alan: [Referring to Jake's pet guinea pig] Oh, that reminds me, I've got to bring Porky back to Jake.
Charlie: That's the problem. Nothing's bringing Porky back.
Alan: He's dead?
Charlie: [Imitating Porky Pig] Th-th-th-that's all folks!

Charlie: [shakes Bill/Jill's hand; gets up to leave] Nice to see you again. Good luck with the penis.

Charlie: [making breakfast] How do you like your eggs?
Berta: Sunny side up.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
Berta: [picks up a cookbook] "Cooking for Dummies"?
Charlie: [to Jake, watching TV on the couch] No offense, Jake. I'm actually cookin' for everybody.
Berta: What brought this on?
Charlie: I don't know. I... thought I'd expand my horizons a bit.
Berta: [smiles] Uh-huh.
Charlie: What?
Berta: I'm just trying to figure out how scrambled eggs are gonna get you laid.
Charlie: You and me both!
Charlie: [both laugh]

Evelyn: Excuse me! I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two!
Charlie: Really? The teen-age drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tip-off?

Berta: [to Charlie] That was some fall you took.
Charlie: Yeah. If I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.
Berta: You'd think the liquor industry would promote that.
Charlie: It *is* a selling point, right up there with making ugly people do-able.

Judith: Make this stop!
Alan: I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.
Judith: Don't screw with me! Tell your ex-wife to stop flirting with my fiancee!
Alan: That's funny. The way I see it, your peanut butter is all over my chocolate.
Judith: Damn it, Alan! I can make your life a living hell!
Alan: How would I know the difference?

Charlie: The poster is meant to smell like maple syrup, like me.
Alan: What? They couldn't make it smell like bourbon?

Jake: [out of the blue] You know, if you guys were queer, we would be what they call an "alternated family".

Dr. Michelle Talmadge: Mr. Harper, I'm Dr. Talmadge.
Charlie: [sits up on operating table] Hellooooo, Doctor!
Alan: Hallelujah, it's a miracle.

Alan: [Alan's lying in bed. There's a knock on the door. Alan looks up] God, what plague have you set upon me now?
Evelyn: Alan, it's Mommy.
Alan: Good one!

Alan: Since when do you make chili?
Charlie: [drunk] There's a lot you don't know about me, Alan. I am a man of many layers. Strata, if you will.
Alan: I see.
Charlie: A thin crust, magma and a chewy nougat center.
Alan: Great. Uh... Anyway, tomorrow I have to go the DMV to get my license renewed.
Charlie: Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?
[drops an onion]
Charlie: Run! Run! You're free!

Alan: [Alan finds Jake on his knees, praying in the living room] What are you praying for?
Jake: I have a math test on Monday.
Alan: Oh. So you're, uh, you're praying for a good grade.
Jake: No, that never works. I'm praying for the teacher to get sick.
Alan: Have you considered just studying for the test?
Jake: How would that help?
Alan: Okay, listen to me. Even if we were to assume God would be willing to give your teacher a cold...
Jake: Anthrax.
Alan: All right, that's it! No more praying!
Jake: What are you, the Supreme Court?
Alan: How do you know about the Supreme Court and prayer?
Jake: This guy on TV, Reverend Don. He talks to God.
Alan: And he said you should pray to strike down your teacher?
Jake: No, activist judges. But I figured, why can't it work on Ms. Stanley? Oh, and you know what else? If I send Reverend Don money, God'll make me *rich*.
Alan: And did you send him money?
Jake: Wouldn't you?

Charlie: So, where's Jake?
Alan: Sleeping at a friend's. He'll get dropped off tomorrow.
Charlie: Oh, man! I rented a movie I thought he'd like.
Alan: Oh? What'd you get?
Charlie: Don't worry. It's educational.
Alan: [Charlie gives Alan the DVD] "One Million Years B.C."? How... How is this educational?
Charlie: Raquel Welch running from dinosaurs in a fur bikini? What is that, if not history?

Charlie: [Seeing one of the paralegals pour a cup of coffee] Mm, smells good. So does the coffee!

Berta: [wants to tell Evelyn that Bill, the man she slept with, used to be a woman] I will clean your house *free* for a month if you let me do it.

Jake: Hey, my boob!

Charlie: [to Alan] ... Why wouldn't she want you?
Alan: I'm broke, middle-aged, twice divorced, sleeping on your hide-a-bed, and sharing custody of a flatulent, under-achieving son.

Alan: [Charlie's in the ER with chest pains] Damn it, what kind of hospital is this? Where the hell are the doctors? That's my brother in there! If he dies, I'm homeless!

Alan: [taken aback by Charlie's critique of the loud shirt he wants to wear to Las Vegas] Should I change?
Charlie: You should, but after all these years, I doubt you will.

Alan: Bite me. That's chapter one in my forthcoming book, entitled "Bite Me". Chapter two is called, "Kiss My Pale, White Ass!"

Alan: [Charlie is working out; Alan drinks from Charlie's water bottle] What the hell is this?
Charlie: Bourbon.
Alan: You drink Bourbon while you work out?
Charlie: Gin makes me sweat.

Alan: Jake can hear you two in bed.
Judith: Oh, God! Oh, God!
Herb: He didn't hear that!

Rose: [appears] Charlie!
Charlie: Rose?
Rose: How could you have a party and not invite me?
Charlie: It's not a party!
Rose: Then, what do you call this?
Charlie: The beginning of a news story that ends with, "... And then he turned the gun on himself!"

Judith: If you lay one magic little finger on her, you and I are going to have a very big problem.
Alan: What are you going to do, divorce me? Marry me again and then divorce me?

Charlie: So, when ya gonna give Wendy Cho the necklace?
Jake: I'm not.
Charlie: What happened? Chicken out?
Jake: No.
Charlie: I don't believe it! You drag my ass all over the mall, I pony up 40 bucks for the necklace, and you chicken out!
Jake: [he explodes] She just dumped me, you old turd!
Charlie: [mortified] Oh. You could have told me that before I started being a turd.
Jake: I'm only 12. I need a time machine.
Charlie: Dude, I am really sorry. What happened?
Jake: She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.
Charlie: What, the Chinese and Caucasian?
Jake: Gifted and remedial.

Charlie: [Charlie sees the size of Alan's alimony payment] Boy! You'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance!

Laura: Now.
Charlie: What?
Laura: I want you. *Now*!

Charlie: You don't think Mia is going to turn into her mother, do you?
Alan: I wouldn't worry about it. What I *would* worry about is you turning her into *our* mother!

Evelyn: Now, go get Mommy's bra.
[Charlie rises and pulls her bra from his pocket]
Evelyn: Oh, Charlie! That's just sick!
[takes the bra and starts to walk away, then turns around]
Evelyn: Seek help.

Alan: Why would you need a Bentley?
Charlie: Nobody needs a Bentley, just as nobody needs to date a twenty-year old. But if you're going to have one, it doesn't hurt to have the other.

Charlie: [repeated line, when someone says something dumb] Hellouu?

Donna: What has multiple orgasms and hums?
Charlie: I give up...
Donna: Hmmmmmmmmm...

Charlie: You're leaving, too, right?
Alan: Yes, relax. I plan on spending Christmas Eve at a movie theater all by myself, just so you can have sex tonight.
Charlie: You could have sex, too. Just pick the right movie theater.
[the doorbell rings]
Charlie: Jake, time to go!
Charlie: [to Alan] Take some paper towels and don't wear your suede shoes.
Alan: [sarcastic] Ho! Ho! Ho!
Charlie: That's another option.

Rose: And that hemorrhoid cream - what was it called?
Charlie: "Fire in the Hole".

Judith: [to Alan, not believing Jake is sick] I'm not buying it. I'll be back to get him Monday night, and if I find out you went ahead and took him to Vegas, you'll be getting a colonoscopy from my attorney!
Charlie: [to Alan] I've seen your alimony checks. You already got one.

Alan: [Jake has been acting out; Judith wants him to go to therapy] He... He's just a normal 11-year-old kid who happens to be a little grumpy.
Judith: And I'm a normal 35-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience. And by patience, I mean Prozac.

[last lines]
Charlie: Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.

Charlie: [Charlie goes to pick up Jake, who has gotten drunk at the mall with one of his friends] So, where's your friend?
Jake: Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwin' up, the bat rastard.

[repeated line]
Charlie: She/He's not coming back.

Charlie: You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... You look at me and think it's easy. What you *don't* see is the years of dedication that have made me the boozing ass-wrangler I am today!

Charlie: [about Jake] I'm going on a double-date with Pumpkin Head. Fun's not an option.

Jake: Maybe she has an STD.
Charlie: What?
Jake: I mean, sexually transmitted disease.
Charlie: I know what STDs are.
Alan: Your uncle helped invent them.
Jake: You know they can be prevented by using a condom.
Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now, we gotta use a hammer.
Jake: I don't understand.
Charlie: Go get me a hammer and I'll show you.
Jake: Okay.
[Jake goes to the garage]
Charlie: [to Alan] You must be so proud.
Jake: [offscreen, from the garage] Ballpeen or claw hammer?
Alan: Do me a favor. When he gets back, just do it.

Alan: [to Berta, as Isabella walks out] What are you doing?
Berta: [hastily putting on jacket] Leaving!
Alan: Why?
Berta: Did you see that bitch? You've got to put a whole lot of gone between you and a broad like that!

Rose: Hello, Alan.
Alan: Rose.
[Rose exits via the front door. Charlie and Alan stare at the door, bewildered]
Charlie: She used the front door?
Alan: Uh-huh.
Charlie: She never uses the front door.
Alan: Uh-uh.
[turns to Charlie]
Alan: What happened out there?
Charlie: Nothing. I just told her Mia and I were getting married, and I could see her medication *stop* working!

Berta: Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?
Charlie: Like what?
Berta: Oh, I don't know. Go to a fun party? See a great movie? Run into an old flame with a new wick?

Alan: [Jake is annoyed because he had to sleep in his father's bed, and his father kept getting out of bed to pee] Okay, one of those was to get a glass of water.
Jake: Well, there's your problem! Stop topping off the tank!

Mia: [after Charlie refuses to kick out Alan and Jake] C'mon, Charlie! We need our privacy!
Charlie: But they're my family. I can't just kick them out!
Mia: You could've said something before *now*!
Charlie: Who knew your idea of marriage was you and me alone in a house?

Alan: I'm not gay. I'm literate and urbane and that confuses people.

Alan: [fighting over homework] Why can't you just learn it now?
Jake: Because there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.

Evelyn: Did my son polish your trophy wife?

Jake: [dinner did not agree with him] That deer didn't have antlers when I ate it, but it's sure coming out that way.

Charlie: [Seeing Eddie walk out of the toilet with a guitar] You were in there with your guitar?
Eddie: You never know when inspiration might strike.
[Plays a quick guitar solo]
Eddie: That's called "Two Burritos and a Root Beer Float"!

Dorothy: It's not like we couldn't expect this, given that your son has spent his adult life humping his way through the Las Vegas adult population!
Evelyn: Oh, like this booze-addled tart is an innocent victim?
Gloria: Hey! I'm drunk, not deaf!

Chelsea: Can you explain this, Charlie?
Charlie: I'd love to.
Chelsea: I'm waiting.
Charlie: I can't. That's why I said I'd love to.

[Alan looks into signing up for drug trials]
Clinician: In such cases, common side effects include dry mouth, hair loss, blurred vision, inflamed gums...
Alan: [Nervous] Okay...
Clinician: ...mild nausea, heart palpitations, liver damage...
Alan: [More nervous] Wow!
Clinician: ...boils, shingles, sudden fainting and temporary darkening of the stools.
Alan: [Shocked] Dear God! How much do you pay people to do this?
Clinician: $1,000 a week.
Alan: I'm in!

Charlie: Oh, and let's not forget how I convinced you Mom's douchebag was your air supply.
Alan: Yeah. Yeah. My breath smelled like vinegar for two weeks.
Charlie: Ah, those were innocent times.

Chelsea: You have a girlfriend, Jake?
Jake: That's kinda personal, isn't it?
Chelsea: I just want to know.
Jake: Why? Are you writing a book?
Charlie: Yeah. It's called, "The Day Jake's Uncle Kicked His Ass."

Charlie: Don't be mean to your mother!
Jake: You're mean to your mother!
Charlie: My mother can take it!

Alan: [notices Jake after confessing his fetish to Charlie] How long have you been standing there?
Jake: Long enough to get very confused... So, we have hot dogs, right?

Evelyn: There was lipstick on his hoo-hoo.
Wes: Your lipstick?
Evelyn: Oh, God, no. I'd rather drink your coffee.
Wes: So, he was with another woman.
Evelyn: Not necessarily.
Wes: Do you have another theory for where the lipstick came from?
Evelyn: Have you ruled out clowns? You should check for really big footprints.

Evelyn: Well, you can't say I didn't warn you.
Charlie: You did. You warned me.
Evelyn: But did you listen?
Charlie: [Annoyed] No.
Evelyn: Do you ever listen?
Charlie: [Still annoyed] No.
Evelyn: Are you listening now?
Charlie: [Really annoyed] No.
Evelyn: So you're just gonna sit there and feel sorry for yourself.
Charlie: No, I'm also gonna drink.
Evelyn: Come on, Charles, this isn't like you. Apart from the drinking.

Dolores: [they're at the kitchen table] Anyway, I just came down to tell you all it's time to get dressed for church.
Alan: [Alan, Jake, Charlie and Berta look a little stunned] Uh, uh, gee, um, thanks for the invite, but, uh, Sunday is kind of our "me" day.
Dolores: [speaking ominously, while pointing upward with her index finger] Sunday's not a "me" day, it's a "He" day! And "He" will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and blood-soaked vengeance!
Dolores: [as they all look at her in disbelief] So, chop-chop! Washy-washy!

Judith: If you're determined to do something stupid, I'd actually prefer you to do Charlie.
Liz: So would Charlie. But we can't always get what we want.

Alan: What did you do last night?
Charlie: Rose!

Rose: Mr. Pee-Pee?
Charlie: Yeah, it's what my mother used to... Don't make me explain it, Rose.

Berta: Well, everybody makes that mistake once. I crossed that line in the '70s when I was cleaning house for Mr. Telly Savalas.
Charlie: You're kidding. TV's "Kojak"?
Berta: One and the same.
Charlie: What happened?
Berta: What do you think happened? He's Greek, a man of passion. You can't tie your shoes around those guys.
Charlie: That's rough.
Berta: You bet your ass it's rough.
[Alan walks in]
Alan: 'Morning.
Charlie: 'Morning.
Berta: So, Zippy. I hear you've been sinking your putts on the company golf course.
Alan: Thanks for telling her.
Charlie: Thanks for telling *me*.
Berta: Word of advice: It may seem like fun and games at the beginning, but mark my words. Sooner or later, you're gonna wake up with a broken heart and a lollipop stuck to your keister.

Jake: [Charlie and Jake are eating at a Clucky's restaurant in the Watts district] This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.
Charlie: [annoyed] No kidding.
Jake: Where are we, anyway?
Charlie: It's called Watts.
[a big, intimidating black man walks past their table and Charlie nervously smiles, but grows scared]
Charlie: Now, hurry up and finish your chicken!
Jake: Can I go back up and get some Cajun Clucky's?
Charlie: No, eat what you got.
Jake: But I like the Cajun Clucky's better.
Charlie: Then, why did you order the Regular Clucky's?
Jake: Because I forgot I liked the Cajun Clucky's.
Charlie: [annoyed] Oh, just eat the freaking chicken!
Jake: Fine. By the way, why do you say "freaking"? I know what you mean, I'm not a little kid anymore.
Charlie: [aggravated] Eat! Don't talk! EAT!
[his outburst quiets the restaurant, resulting in everyone giving Charlie dirty looks. He looks at another black guy sitting across from him]
Charlie: 'Sup?

Melissa: All right. Well, now that we're all here, why don't we take turns saying something about Alan and how much he means to us.
[Jake gets up from his seat]
Melissa: Oh, okay, Jake. You want to start?
Jake: No, I gotta make room for cake.
Melissa: All right. Uh, Berta! Why don't you get the ball rolling?
Berta: Sure, what the hell. Zippy, I got to tell you, when you first moved in, I didn't really care for you. You were a persnickety, self-righteous, smug son-of-a-bitch. And now, here we are, six years later. Thank you.

[Charlie tells Jake he wrote the song to a cereal jingle]
Jake: No lying?
Charlie: Kid, if I wanted to lie to you, I would have said I wrote "Stairway to Heaven".

Jake: Hey! Can I get leather pants?
Charlie: No!
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: 'Cause you need something that lets the farts *out*.

Alan: [going apartment-hunting] Do you mind looking after Jake?
Charlie: If it'll help get you out of here, I'll breastfeed him!

Alan: [peeking nervously on Jake driving the car] So, Charlie, when's your, uh... when's your fiance back in town?
Charlie: [also nervously looking around] Uh... next week.
Alan: Huh. So, uh... so her dad's out of the hospital?
Charlie: Yep. They gave him a new hip and sent him home.
Alan: Huh. So he had a bad hip?
Charlie: No, Alan, he had a bad tooth but he went to the wrong doctor.
Alan: You don't have to be snide.
Charlie: You don't have to ask dumb-ass questions.
Jake: He didn't ask me anything.

Charlie: Isn't there something you could be doing?
Berta: Well...
[turns to look at Kandi]
Berta: I could go rub some oil on her, but I don't trust myself.
Charlie: Berta, please don't take this the wrong way, but it's been a long time for me... and you're starting to turn me on.
Berta: I'm outta here.
Kandi: [Kandi enters the kitchen as Berta is leaving] Hi, Berta!
Berta: Hey, baby.

Wanda: [wakes up in Jake's room and sees a poster of herself on Jake's wall] Oh, look! Its me!

Alan: It's not *that* kind of relationship. It's-it's-it's intellectual.
Charlie: So! Take her to a museum, enjoy the exhibits, then *do* her in the restroom!

Charlie: Alan, smack your kid for me.
Alan: Should we really risk more brain damage?
Jake: Thanks for sticking up for me, Dad.
Alan: Oh, hey! You'll never guess who I ran into.
Jake: Kobe Bryant?
Alan: No.
Jake: Lauren Conrad?
Alan: No.
Jake: Sean "P. Diddy" Combs?
Alan: What is wrong with you?
[Turning toward Charlie]
Alan: No, I... I ran into Mia at the coffee shop.
Charlie: You're kidding!
Alan: No. Apparently, she's single again and living in L.A.
Jake: What's wrong with *you*?
Charlie: So... Mia. How'd she look?
Alan: Better than ever.
Charlie: Damn. What'd she say?
Alan: Uh, she said to give you her best.
Charlie: That's it?
Alan: Pretty much.
Charlie: How'd she say it?
Alan: Whadda ya mean?
Charlie: I mean was it perfunctory or was there subtext?
Jake: Per-func-tory... That could be my rap name: M.C. Perfunctory.

Charlie: Alan, trust me. I've seen the sister. Her name is Desiree.
Alan: I don't care what her name is!
Charlie: Desiree, Alan. That's like "desire" with a "yay!" at the end.

Alan: I guess I just always thought that, that one woman was supposed to fulfill all my needs.
Charlie: Oh, that's an old wives tale, started to protect the interests of, you guessed it... *old wives*!

Charlie: [filling out a form for Jake in the ER] All right, let's see: Last name, Harper. First name, Jake... ob?
Jake: Mmm-hmm.
Charlie: Jacob. I knew that. Middle name?
Jake: You don't know?
Charlie: Of course, I know. I want to see if you know. You fell on your head, dude.
Jake: David.
Charlie: Wow, Jacob David. They went full Old Testament on you, didn't they?

[first lines]
Myra: [Charlie wakes up cuddled next to Judith's future sister-in-law] Thinking of chewing your arm off?
Charlie: What? No, no, no! Why would I do that?
Myra: I don't know? Maybe because you're not horny any more, and you just remembered I'm staying through the weekend?

Charlie: Don't you have your own friends?
Teddy: Charlie, when you get to be my age, most of your friends are either married or dead.
Charlie: What's the difference?
Teddy: The dead ones smell up my plane!

Herb: [to Alan] You were married to *her*?
[points at Kandi]

Charlie: You've been to couples counseling, right?
Alan: Yeah. Why?
Charlie: I'm going with Chelsea and I need to know what I'm getting into.
Alan: Oh, you're going to love it.
Charlie: I am?
Alan: Absolutely. Once a week, you sit on a couch with your significant other while she snips off your testicles, reaches up inside your chest cavity and goes like this
[flicks his finger several times]
Alan: to your heart.
Charlie: [grimacing] That doesn't sound very good.
Alan: [grinning maniacally] Oh, it's horrible! But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money, and your house, and your car, and
[shouting]
Alan: every last shred of your self-respect!
Charlie: You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.
Alan: Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm the perfect guy to ask. When Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished,
[shouting]
Alan: I came to live on your couch! God BLESS couples counseling!

Trudy: Remind me to get some clean urine from you before we go.

Charlie: Lemme ask you something. When's the last time you had sex with a girl? Or a melon? Or anything?
Alan: [outraged] None of your business!
Charlie: That long, huh?
Alan: Why do you care?
Charlie: I dunno. You just have that twitchy look of a guy who's got one stuck in the chamber.

Charlie: [about a hooker Charlie arranged for Alan] She's willing to throw you one for $500.
Alan: Whoa! Ah, okay, uhm... Can I put it on a credit card?
Charlie: A credit card. Where are you planning to swipe it, Alan?
Alan: Alright, alright. I was just hoping to get the miles.

Charlie: I can't believe it! She used me! She conned me! She took my money! Hey, Courtney!
Courtney: What?
Charlie: I'll wait for you!

Alan: As you know, I'm a bit of a bargain hunter.
Charlie: Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99 cent store!

Kandi: [to Alan] I think we've reached an implants in our relationship.
Judith: [Offscreen] Impasse!

Alan: I don't believe this. You? Nervous about a date?
Charlie: Of course I'm nervous! We don't have anything to talk about! I haven't been with a forty-year-old since high school!

Jake: Buffalo are cool, too. They're like bad-ass cows.

Alan: I have some very promising auctions on eBay.
Charlie: Oh, really? What are you auctioning?
Alan: A few rare books. A couple of lithos. A set of golf clubs.
Charlie: Since when do you play golf?
Alan: Well, technically, they're your clubs.
Charlie: You're stealing from me?
Alan: Oh, come on! You only bought them so you could go to Palm Springs and pick up lesbians!

Charlie: [enters Alan's room] Hey, Alan!
Alan: [from bathroom] Ocupado!
Charlie: [just walks in on Alan sitting on the toilet] I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! I know how to restore the balance of power with Chelsea!
Alan: [nervously covers his legs with newspaper] Excuse me! What part of "ocupado" don't you understand? The "ocu" or the "pado"?
Charlie: I understood it all. I was just hoping you were shaving.
Alan: Well, I'm not! And as you well know, this is an uphill battle for me, even in the best of circumstances.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but this is important!
Charlie: I'm going to get an "I love you" from Chelsea!
Alan: If you let me finish, you'll get one from *me*!
Charlie: [shows Alan an engagement ring] Check this out.
Alan: Oh, Charlie, this is so sudden. If you wait a few minutes, I'll have a gift for *you*.

Charlie: Hey, people who live in fat asses shouldn't throw waffles.

Berta: Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter, Naomi, the light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from heaven and landed on a married man's penis.

Alan: [Evelyn comes in with her lips grotesquely swollen] What happened to your mouth?
Evelyn: I just had a little procedure.
Alan: [astonished] What kind of procedure?
Charlie: They sucked some fat out of her ass, and shot it into her lips.
Alan: What did they do... use the *whole* ass?

Teddy: Charlie, I need you to do me a favor.
Charlie: Anything.
Teddy: Stay away from my daughter.
Charlie: Seriously, ask something else.

Charlie: He's just a teenager. You know, that awkward phase between junior high and methadone clinic.

Alan: [giddy with excitement] Charlie, I have never had sex like this before in my *life*! In fact, I-I-I don't think anything I had prior to this can even be called "sex"! Because if we call that "sex", we need a new name for this. My suggestion would be, "Hootenanny Yum-Yum".

Charlie: [to Chelsea, who is leaving] Don't go!
Alan: [to Melissa, over the phone] Don't hang up!
Charlie: I love you!
[Both look at each other]
Berta: And I love you, too.

Alan: I'm Alan Harper, and I am not having sex!

Jake: Did you know your body doesn't digest corn? It goes out the same way it comes in. It's like a little bookmark in your poop.

Alan: I hate to say it, but Chelsea's right.
Charlie: You don't hate it.
Alan: Did I say I hate to say it? What I meant to say was, "I can't wait to say it".

Charlie: A clueless woman is a happy woman.

Dr. Herb Melnick: [talking to two girls in a bar] In the event of full disclosure, I should let you know that I am new to the dating world and still have all my original pubic hair.

Judith: [to Alan] Your son gave his teacher the "bird".
Charlie: Okay, I want it on the record. He didn't necessarily...

Charlie: Hey, guess what?
Alan: There's no God?
Charlie: On the contrary. There *is* a God, and he love me long time.

Alan: [angrily, to God] I watch *one* donkey sex show, and you make me pay for it the *rest of my life*!

Rose: I wish Randy could see what you see.
Charlie: Forget about him. Come on, I'm going to take you to dinner.
Rose: Really?
Charlie: [starts going to the door] Yeah, sure. Why not?
[opens door, pauses, then closes door and turns to face Rose]
Charlie: Hey, uh, I thought you said his name was Andy.
Rose: What did I say?
Charlie: You said Randy.
Rose: No, I didn't. Andy's a real guy. I didn't make him up.

Angie: [Angie answers her door, hair disheveled, mascara running] What the hell do *you* want?
Charlie: What?
Angie: Tricia broke off her engagement with Jeremy because of you!
[she takes a drink from the bottle she's carrying]
Charlie: No! No! No! I was good, honest!
Angie: He was crushed! My little boy had a nervous breakdown and tried to drink bleach!
Charlie: Yeah, but I was good!
Angie: Oh, good! Tricia told us everything about you and her!
Charlie: Everything? And he was still crushed?
Angie: You lied to me!
Charlie: No! No! No! No! I didn't lie! I just didn't tell! It was a long time ago and I didn't want you to be jealous because she's young and you're...
Angie: I'm what?
Charlie: A real trouper?
Angie: Drop dead!
[she slams the door in Charlie's face]
Charlie: [Looking up at the sky] But, I was good!

Charlie: You know the difference between you and me, Alan?
Alan: I don't scream when I pee?

Berta: [Dressed as a Latin dancer and singing] Bésame, bésame mucho, como si fuera ésta noche la última...
[Seeing Judith on the balcony with Fernando]
Berta: That bony bitch!

Berta: I once loved a guy who didn't love me back.
Charlie: What'd you do?
Berta: Ninety days in County. Plus anger management classes. Which, by the way, are a total freaking waste of time.

Alan: So, did you make the call?
Charlie: Everybody wants me to pimp for them. I might as well get a purple hat, high boots and a full-length fur coat.
Alan: If anyone can pull it off, it's you. So, did you make the call?

Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed". No one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah, except for us. Twelve to two.
Charlie: Well, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's whether or not you beat the spread.

Berta: [speaking of Rose] Of all the broads that have staggered, bare-assed, through these hallowed halls, she's the one that got to you.
Charlie: Yeah, she got to me all right. She put a sleeping pill in my scotch and super-glued my testicles to my leg.
Berta: You still can't get past that.

Alan: Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two.
Charlie: Only you can gay up banging two women.

Jake: [about Judith] She can be happy all she wants. I just don't need some jerk pretending he's my dad.
Alan: Oh, why not?
Jake: 'Cause I already have a dad!
Charlie: ...and he's already a jerk!

Bill: You haven't changed.
Charlie: I wish I could say the same.

Jake: I heard Mom say that the reason Uncle Charlie gets in so much trouble is that he thinks with his little head. It's not that little.
Charlie: Okay. You tell your mother...
Alan: Charlie!
Charlie: [changing his tune] ... that women are to be honored and respected.
Alan: See, Jake. That's the big head talking.
Jake: [getting a little impatient] But he only has one head!
Charlie: You wanna tell him, or should we let him spin for awhile?
Alan: I'd rather he spin.
Jake: Aw, come on! At least give me a clue!
Alan: All right. What do men have that women don't?
Jake: Beards?
Charlie: Lower.
Jake: [in a deeper voice] Beards?

Chelsea: [after Jake is rude to her] I don't get it. What did I do?
Charlie: I'll tell you what you did. You anthropomorphized him.
Chelsea: What?
Charlie: It means treating something as human when it's really not. Kinda like what you do with your cat, which, frankly, makes more sense.

Mia: I wanna talk to you about our honeymoon.
Charlie: I'll take you anywhere you want to go. Frankly, I'd pick a place with a nice ceiling because we're just going to take turns looking at it!

Charlie: Jake, wake up.
Charlie: [Jake is still asleep] Well, I tried.

Evelyn: Oh, sweetheart, take it from me. Spending time with one's children is greatly overrated.

Berta: Hey, Vampira. Tell Count Humpula to get out of bed so I can change his sheets.

Teddy: Charlie, I'm in love with your mother.
Charlie: B... But you could do so much better!

Alan: Do you really want to drive five hours through the desert with a puking kid in the back of your new Mercedes?
Charlie: He can stick his head out the window and let the guy behind us worry about it!

Charlie: [noticing he's the only male guest, at Isabella's party] So where are all the guys? How come I'm the only weenie in this pot of beans?

Rose: [Rose suggests therapy for Alan and Charlie] Well, I could refer you to the woman I talk to, but she doesn't exist.

Berta: [large-breasted, scary housekeeper talks sternly to Jake] So. You like making fun of girls with big boobs.
Jake: [looking pale] Not any more.

Alan: Judith, if you're gonna chew my ass off, just know I'm planning on having it for breakfast tomorrow.

Berta: [Walking up to Charlie, seated at the kitchen table reading the newspaper with his back turned to her] Charlie, you and me gotta have a conversation!
[Without looking at her, he hands her two $100 bills. She takes them and looks at them]
Berta: Nice talking to you.

Alan: [Alan, yelling for a doctor to look at Charlie, after he finds out that Charlie's will is going to leave him horribly in debt] Do you gotta flatline to get a little help around here? Do you gotta move to Canada to get some decent medical care?

Charlie: [to Alan] You've been acting nuttier than rat crap in a pistachio factory.

Charlie: This is kind of exciting.
[unwraps his gift]
Charlie: Fart In A Can?
Jake: You don't have one, do you?
Charlie: Well, I've got you. But, this is good for travel.

Jake: [puts fingers near Alan's face] Does this smell like butt to you?

Evelyn: Charlie, just say what you came to say.
Charlie: Okay. Well, are you aware I'm a misogynist?
Evelyn: Really? I raised you Episcopalian.

Rose: I've been riddled with glauckenstucken ever since.
Charlie: Glaucken...
Rose: Glauckenstucken! It means feeling guilty for having felt schadenfreud.
Charlie: They have a word for that?
Rose: Well, not yet, but I'm hoping glauckenstucken catches on!

Gloria: I am so horny right now, I can't believe it!
Charlie: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Did you miss what just went down, *sis*?
Gloria: Oh, come on! It's not like we're gonna get married and have a bunch of web-footed kids!
Charlie: You really have no boundaries, do you?
Gloria: Well... I don't do fat guys.
Charlie: Interesting.
[gets out of bed]
Charlie: Turns out, I draw the line at incest.
Gloria: So, you'd do a fat guy?

Dr. Linda Freeman: So, what else is going on with your life?
Charlie: Not much. I've been gaining a little weight for some reason. Maybe 'cause I haven't been sleeping well.
Dr. Linda Freeman: [looks at him, as he keeps stuffing himself with another pudding cup] Yeah, that's probably it.
Charlie: Oh, and this one girl I've been seeing pretty regularly decided to dump me.
Dr. Linda Freeman: Huh.
Charlie: "Huh", what?
Dr. Linda Freeman: Oh, nothing. It's just... Sometimes I feel like I'm stealing your money.

Francine: You know, I'm organizing a drama club. Would that be something that Jake would have any interest in, or do you think he gets enough drama at home?

Alan: [Opening Charlie's bedroom door] Charlie? Are you in here?
Charlie: [In bed with an attractive woman named Tina] Hey, Alan! Long time, no see!
[to Tina]
Charlie: Say hello to my brother, Alan.
Tina: [Waving] Hi, Alan!
Cindy: [Suddenly popping up from under the sheets] Hi, Alan!
Marie: [Suddenly appearing from the bathroom and joining Charlie in bed] Hi, Alan!
Alan: Umm... I'm interrupting?
Charlie: Gee, you think?
Alan: I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?
Charlie: Sure, give me...
[Looks around at the three girls in bed with him]
Charlie: An hour and a half!
Alan: An hour and a half?
Charlie: I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here. Tina's got homework, Cindy's gotta meet her fiancé and Marie... Well, Marie's on the clock!
Alan: You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?
Charlie: Better safe than sorry!

Alan: You know *why* I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client and forget to report it, which I do. It was because *no one* at the IRS could believe I was paying as much alimony as I claimed! It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a shmuck.

Charlie: Jeez, Alan! I don't sleep with every buff surfer-chick that uses my shower. What kind of guy do you think I am?
Alan: I think you're the luckiest bastard to walk the face of the earth, but, that's not my point. I - I - I don't want women flashing their butt tattoos at my son.

Charlie: [Playing the piano] M is for the misery she caused me. O is for the other things she did. T is for the traitor who's my brother. H is for the hump who is his kid... E is for extremely frightening girl talk... R is for the rifle in my mouth. Put them all together they spell MOTHER, a word that's only half of how I feel.

[first lines]
Jake: [raining outside] Well, this is going to be a sucky weekend.
Charlie: Try spending it with an eleven-year-old who does nothing but complain.
Jake: You mean me?
Charlie: No wonder they gotta write your name in your underwear.

Charlie: And I said, "Why not? Two's company, three's a sandwich!".

Berta: [about Charlie] Was he breastfed?
Evelyn: Of course he was. Not by me, personally.

Alan: [Charlie is passed out, sitting at the kitchen table] Oh, God. Look what the cat dragged in.
Berta: He didn't just drag it. He ate it, pooped it out and then covered it with sand.

Officer: [to his partner, after releasing Alan to Charlie at their front door] At least this clown didn't ask if I was Jewish.

Alan: Jake, are you praying?
Jake: It's okay. I'm not in school.

Charlie: [Repeated line] Okey-dokey-artichokey!

Jake: We had a surprise test today.
Alan: And... ?
Jake: I was *really* surprised!

Girl: [Charlie's home phone rings and redirects to voicemail] Listen, you lousy SOB! I will not be treated like this! Either you call me, or you're going to be very, very sorry! I love you, monkey man!
Laura: Charlie, who was that?
Charlie: Damn telemarketers!
Laura: A telemarketer who calls you "monkey man"?
Charlie: I'm on some weird list!

Danielle: Uh, well, for the last eight years I've had a full-time career trying to spend my divorce settlement.
Charlie: Ohh, a working woman.

Alan: [to Charlie] I'm going to go get Jake, but I'll leave the front door unlocked in case Satan shows up to collect your soul.

Berta: Well, I spend most of my days looking at dirty toilets and those Rorschach tests you call bed sheets.

[repeated line]
Jake: *You* know!

Charlie: If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disappeared for five years and came back as a guy... I'd have a *nickel*!

Charlie: That blouse is very distracting. Is that police issue?

Alan: [Charlie makes fun of Alan's bicycling outfit] Excuse me. This is what they wear in the Tour De France.
Charlie: [referring to his French one-night-stand] Alan, I just *took* the "Tour De France", and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.

Jake: [just caught his teacher in the kitchen, half dressed, with Charlie] Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall!

[last lines]
Alan: [in bed with Dorothy] Okay, just so we're clear: you're only doing this to piss off my mom?
Dorothy: Is that a problem?
Alan: Nah, it makes it better!

Jake: [Judith is staying with Alan and Charlie] This is really weird.
Alan: Why? Your Mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting! Two with one bullet!

Alan: Who would've guessed that of the two of us, I'd end up being the care-free bachelor?
Charlie: If, by care-free, you mean broke and homeless, then everyone could have guessed that.

Alan: And now that Judith's finally getting remarried and I can see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel, you decide, "Hey! Why don't I start humping her new sister-in-law?"!
Charlie: That is not how it happened!
Alan: I don't care how it happened! I only care how it's going to end, and it's going to end badly for *me*!
Charlie: How? Explain how.
Charlie: [near hysterics] I don't know yet! That's always part of the fun, trying to guess how *your* penis is going to bite *me* in the *ass*!

Charlie: [Gives Chelsea a key] Here.
Chelsea: What is it?
Charlie: Alan's house key.
Chelsea: Why?
Charlie: I want you to move in with me. Plus, Alan pissed me off last night.

Jake: Dad, I got my learner's permit but Mom won't let me drive her car.
Judith: Just because they give 15-year-olds learner's permits doesn't mean they're ready to drive.
Jake: Please. I've been driving for years: Grand Theft Auto I, Grand Theft Auto II - and I never ran over anybody but pimps and crack whores.
Alan: Jake!
Jake: Sorry, crack prostitutes.

Alan: Charlie, let me tell you something. You-you-you can't keep Jake from ever getting hurt, he's a boy. It's... Getting hurt is like his job. Last summer, he... he actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub. All I care about is that he has somebody who loves him and who'll step up when it really counts, and that's what you did today.

Alan: [Jake races to take a phone call] Okay, that's something we haven't seen before.
Charlie: Yeah. He only moves that fast when he's got the squirts.

Alan: [drunk in a cab, talking about their mother] At some point, we have to stand up to her!
Charlie: Oh! Well, look who's got beer muscles all of a sudden!

Jake: I guess I should go to school now, huh?
Charlie: It couldn't hurt!

Berta: How do you know Kandi?
Mandi: She's my daughter.
Berta: Your daughter? Sweet whistling Geronimo! You people are like a box of hamsters: just crawling all over each other!
Alan: Yes, well, we all get how this looks, Berta.
Berta: Hey, I'm not knocking it. I'm just wondering when some of that gravy's going to spill over on my taters.

Jake: [Charlie and Jake show up at Judith's house] What are we doing here?
Charlie: I'm taking you back to your mother.
Jake: Why?
Charlie: Why? I'll tell you why. Because you're no fun anymore. Because the whole "isn't he cute?" thing is over and I'll tell you something else: if this is just a prelude to what you're gonna be like as a teenager, then we've got a serious problem!
Jake: [annoyed] Whatever.
Charlie: You see? Right there! That attitude does *not* fly with me!
Jake: Whatever.
Charlie: [Charlie begins developing chest pains and holds his chest] God, I hope that's the chicken.

Alan: [sitting on the bed after announcing he had sex with Norma] Well, actually, I-I-I don't think I'm gonna be getting a building.
Charlie: She reneged?
Alan: She... died.
Charlie: You're kidding!
Alan: Well, after we were done, she looked at me, mumbled a couple of words, closed her eyes and then, poof. Dead.
Charlie: That's it! I knew there was a Big Bang joke!

Alan: I'd rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise, than king of a urine-soaked firetrap next to Burbank Airport!

Jake: What's your movie idea?
Alan: It's about a man who finds himself at a crossroads in his life.
Jake: You know what I think of that movie? Boring! Rated G... A,Y.

Charlie: [to Alan] You know what? You need to get your mind off this colonoscopy.
Berta: Come on! Get in there, you sucker!

Alan: Where did you meet a nine-year-old?
Jake: We're in the same math class.
Alan: Is she one of those advanced students?
Jake: Sadly, no. But she *does* help me with my homework.

Alan: Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?
Charlie: Yeah. Yank out the 8-track and push it off a cliff!

Charlie: [Alan asks Charlie why he isn't out on a date with his new lady friend] Sherri? I'm playing that slow.
Alan: Really? Do you mean at, uh, a leisurely pace, or as if you were developmentally challenged?

Berta: Zippy!

Evelyn: Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac.
Jake: Nowadays, you're supposed to say African-American-disiac.

Dr. Linda Freeman: Father?
Charlie: Dead.
Dr. Linda Freeman: Mother?
Charlie: Killed him.
Dr. Linda Freeman: Would you like to discuss that?
Charlie: We just did.

Berta: Alan. Got a riddle for you. What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on the weekends? I'll give you a hint: it's your kid.

Alan: Do you know the problem with sushi?
Charlie: Besides eating it with you?
Alan: It's all fleshy and flappy and wet. Feels unnatural against my tongue.
Charlie: Hey, Al?
Alan: What?
Charlie: I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.

Rose: [this is Charlie's last appearance in the entire series] I think that's everything.
Charlie: What'd you tell your husband?
Rose: I didn't have to tell him anything, he's in New York for a big fashion show.
Charlie: Perfect. So what kind of clothes does he design anyway?
Rose: Men's sports wear mostly.
Charlie: Anything I might like?
Rose: No, it's more the kind of stuff Alan would wear.
Charlie: Oh. So tacky.
Rose: I think I left my raincoat in the bedroom.
Charlie: I'll get it.
Rose: Oh, thanks.
[realizes he might find out about the mannequinn]
Rose: Uh-oh.
Charlie: [opens the closet and sees the mannequinn in front of him] Whoa! I guess the guy brings his work home then.
[takes a closer look at the clothes]
Charlie: Yep. Tacky.
[grabs Rose's raincoat]
Charlie: I got it!

Alan: The depths of your degeneracy continue to astound me.
Charlie: [Looking puzzled] Really? Still?

[repeated line]
Chelsea: [whenever Charlie says something offensive that drives her away] Drop dead!

Alan: [leaving a message on Charlie's aswering machine] Hey, Charlie! My wife just kicked me out and I'm losing the will to live! Are you there?

Chelsea: Could you go to the pharmacy for me?
Charlie: For you, I would go to the ends of the Earth.
[to himself]
Charlie: Coming back is a different question.

Evelyn: I forbid you to see this woman anymore.
Charlie: You forbid? What gives you the right to forbid? I'm 39 years old!
Evelyn: I'm your mother, you are 40, and you must not see this woman anymore!
Charlie: Mom, you know that just makes me want her more.
Evelyn: Charlie, I mean it!
Charlie: I'm getting hotter...
Evelyn: Look, I know certain things about Gloria's past which are... well... unsavory.
Charlie: Okay, I'm going supernova!
Evelyn: Will you listen to me? If you continue to see this woman, it will hurt me deeply!
Charlie: [to Alan] I may have to marry this girl!

Berta: Who's he listening to?
Alan: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good. It reminds me of the early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band called Who.
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: Huh. And I work for your family.

Alan: [gives Jake his gift] You can open it tomorrow with your mother...
[Jake starts to rip it open]
Alan: ...or you can rip it open now, with your teeth, like a rabid jackal.

Charlie: Hey, Alan, congratulate me. I'm kind of engaged.
Alan: So, she said yes?
Charlie: Not exactly.
Alan: You gave her the ring, right?
Charlie: Yup.
Alan: Well, what'd she say?
Charlie: [mimics choking]
Alan: [stares at Charlie]
Charlie: You had to be there.

Alan: I think she caught the rabbit.

Alan: [after ignoring their Mother's phone call] I, I - I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.

Evelyn: By the way, your nose is adorable.
Wendy: Thank you.
Evelyn: I'm guessing Dr Shapiro?
Wendy: No, it's mine.
Evelyn: Oh. Huh. Well, sometimes God does good work, too.

Herb: All aboard!

Alan: So, you understand the situation?
Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you wanna sell my condo.
Alan: No, no! It's *our* condo! I bought it for *us*! Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis!

Alexis: [Alan is kissing on the couch with a hooker] Oh, baby, you really turn me on!
Alan: Hang on a sec. I'm a little bummed by that 'turn me on' part. I want to believe you, but I've been with enough women to know it doesn't happen that fast. Sometimes it doesn't happen at all!
Alexis: Honey, I would not lie to you.
Alan: [Sarcastically] Of course not, why would you lie to me? I'm just saying it would help if you could tone down the narration to a more believable level.
Alexis: Alright.
[They start kissing again]
Alexis: Oh, you are the best kisser!
Alan: Okay. Again! I happen to know for a fact that I'm not the best kisser.
Alexis: I'm a little confused here!
Alan: I'm just not buyin' it! And since I *am* buying it, I should be able to buy it! All you have to do is tell the truth. There's no need for hyperbolae.
Alexis: Alright.
[They start kissing again]
Alexis: Oh, Alan, your lips are so thin and dry!
Alan: Okay, now we're cookin'!

Berta: [about Charlie's behavior around Mia] Considerate?
Charlie: Yeah. See, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy. And I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars, and drink, and gamble, and stay out all night, and eat meat and sugar and grease and fat, and nap, and swear, and wear shorts, bowling shirts...
Berta: Charlie, you ain't just whipped. You're roped, saddled and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.

Berta: Make friends with the janitor. They usually have their own bathroom.
Jake: Okay.
Berta: Just never drink out of his Thermos.
Jake: All right.
Berta: And don't believe him if he tells you he loves you. Damn it, I miss that one-eyed son-of-a-bitch!

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie! What's green, has 4 legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?
Charlie: What?
Jake: A pool table! It's funny 'cause you wouldn't expect it to be in a tree.

[Alan opens Jake's room]
Judith,183532: [offscreen] WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
Alan: Judith, what the hell are you doing?
Judith: You told me to fight for my man, I'm fighting for my man!
Herb: Alan, would you please close the door?
[Alan complies]
Alan: Twelve years of marriage, she never fought for *me* from that angle...

Alan: A little religion isn't gonna kill you.
Jake: Oh yeah? What's *your* definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?

Teddy: Unbelievable. An 18-second fight. It takes me longer to start peeing!

Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass".
Charlie: Here's $20. That should cover me until lunch.

Herb: [stares at Kandi] Oh, my golly...

Alan: [about to give Berta bad news about a possible cut in wages] First and foremost, you know that we consider you a beloved member of this family...
Berta: [Interrupting] Alan, you can roll manure in powdered sugar, but it still ain't a jelly doughnut.

Charlie: Alright. It's just you and me now. Are you really sick, or are you just faking it to get out of another fun-filled afternoon?
Jake: I'm really sick.
Charlie: Just checking, 'cause I was going to fake it.

Jake: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house / Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse...
[pukes in Herb's car]

Alan: [Alan is moving out, and Charlie has labeled a box "Porn And Blow-Up Doll"] You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?

Charlie: Look at you. All grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now? On a scale of one to two?
Alan: I'm not back living with Mom. I'm simply staying here until Judith and I work things out.
Charlie: So... one?

Alan: Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen.
Charlie: Which half?

Alan: [opens the front door to find Evelyn cavorting with "Uncle Norman", and blocks Jake from entering] We can't go in there right now.
Jake: [eager to use the bathroom] Come on, why not?
Alan: [bluntly] Because I can't afford to send you to *therapy* for the rest of your life.

Charlie: I know things didn't end well with you and Judith. But, overall, did you like being married?
Alan: Oh, I *loved* being married!
Charlie: You never missed having sex with other women?
Alan: Sure, but I missed that before I got married, too!

Charlie: How would you like your eggs?
Jake: In an Easter basket.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.

Berta: [to Charlie] I know you. Myra's not one of your handi-wipes in high heels that you can just throw out after you... wipe your handi.
Charlie: Yeah? Well, you don't know what you're talking about, because this relationship is not based on sex.
Berta: Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred-dollar bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?

Charlie: It could have been worse. I could have had a caboose in my caboose.

Alan: [Alan has a bad case of the flu, Charlie wants to tell him some 'great news'] There is no great news, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no silver lining. There's just this hell on earth, and the slow wait for the sweet release of death.

Charlie: So... How about a beer?
[Jake throws up]

Alan: [they are just about to sleep] You want to watch porn first?
Charlie: No!
Alan: Why not?
Charlie: I'm drunk, in bed, in a hotel room with my brother and you want to know why I don't wanna watch porn?

Alan: Can we talk about this picture that Jake drew?
Charlie: What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it! Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass, and move on!

Alan: She just threw me out after ten years!
Charlie: How did you get in my house?

Charlie: [to Bill/Jill] You want to be a real man? Grab hold of those store-bought balls and just tell the truth.

Alan: [arguing with Charlie over a bowl he wants to put in the living room; he asks Charlie's date her opinion. She thinks it looks fine] See. Two against one.
Charlie: There's no voting! You're just a free-loader, and she's just some one-night-stand I picked up in a ba... oh, damn.

Alan: [standing in a nightclub line with Charlie, feeling uncomfortable and out of place, Alan starts sniffing the air] Somebody lit a doobie! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! That is definitely the ganja! Oh, great! Now we're all going to get busted! Oh, perfect! I just stepped on a condom!

Charlie: [Noticing Alan is wearing his boxers] Why are you wearing my underwear?
Alan: [Noticing Charlie is wearing his white briefs] Why are you wearing mine?

Alan: [the ER doctor asks Charlie what he has eaten recently. Alan responds for him] He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of scotch and the tongue of a twenty-four year old actress.

Alan: Wait a minute! That's your big secret? Alcohol?
Charlie: Shhh! Don't tell anybody.
Alan: But isn't that just a temporary solution?
Charlie: It's only temporary if you stop drinking!

Alan: I don't have money for luxuries like eating out. Or eating in, really. I'm trying to learn to chew my own cud.
Charlie: It's all right. I'll treat.
Alan: No, no, no! You've done too much for me already.
Charlie: Yeah, but it's not like I'm keeping a tab. $26,382... to date.

Rose: Charlie found his boundary.
Berta: It's a miracle!
Rose: A Christmas miracle!

Berta: [to Alan and Charlie] Show of hands... Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a get-away car?

Charlie: [Alan tells Charlie to ignore their Mother] Ignore her? It would be easier to ignore blood in my urine!

Charlie: [Charlie's in great pain after throwing his back out, and initially asks Alan to help him] New plan. I need someone who can give me drugs.
Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a couple calls.
Alan: Drugs just mask the problem.
Charlie: Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it, let it fight crime... I just want it to go away!

Kandi: When I was a little girl, I used to love playing bride.
Alan: Me, too. I mean, uh, I was the groom. Most of the time.

Alan: [to Charlie] You're a lecherous, old guy who bought a young woman's affection with shiny baubles.

Alan: I am in trouble here, Charlie. How-how do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here!

[Alan is in Charlie's usual bar, in a suit jacket, looking suave]
Leanne: So, Charlie. Who's your friend?
Charlie: My brother, Alan.
Leanne: Hi, Alan. I'm Leanne. It's nice to meet you.
Alan: I've actually met you a bunch of times.
Leanne: Oh, no. I'd remember you.
Alan: I come in here with Charlie all the time. I always order a rum and diet coke.
Leanne: Oh ! Right. So, Alan, the usual ?
Alan: Uh, no. Today, let's try something different. Charlie, what are you having?
Charlie: Tequila shooters with a beer back.
Alan: Great! I will have a rum and diet coke.
Leanne: You got it, hon.

Alan: Judith, you want your man, you fight for him!
Judith: [points at Kandi] How can I compete with *that*?
Alan: There's no competition! Herb loves you! You're in a mature, sophisticated relationship based on mutual respect! All Kandi has is...
[watches Herb stare at Kandi]
Alan: There'll be other men.

Judith: [Jake's teacher wants to know if Jake has any hobbies outside of school] Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.

Alan: But the truth is, you and I see each other every day, and we really don't know much about each other.
Berta: So, you want to know what goes on underneath this gruff exterior? Whether somewhere inside me there's a tiny little girl who once dreamed of being a famous ballerina?
Alan: Is there?
Berta: If there is, it's because I accidentally ate one, and haven't passed her yet. Let me tell you, I am dreading that tiara.

Charlie: My brother, Alan, warned me not to go out with you tonight.
Kate: That's funny. Everybody warned *me* not to go out with *you*.
Charlie: Hey, it worked for Romeo and Juliet. Well, up to the poison and the stabbing.
Kate: Charlie, I have a confession. I haven't been out with a man, other than my husband, in 12 years.
Charlie: That's not a problem. Couple of things have changed, but I can bring you up to date.
Kate: Please do.
Charlie: Alright. Well, nowadays women pay for dinner. And, of course, sex is a given.
Kate: Well, I'll tell you one thing. I am not paying for dinner.
Charlie: Rats!

Charlie: Come on, I'm not good with names, but I'll never forget the passionate nights we spent together.
Jess: We never spent the night.
Charlie: Never? Well, no wonder I don't remember you!

Charlie: Why isn't your car in the garage?
Alan: I loaned it to Kandi.
Charlie: Ah. And how much are you paying to fix hers?
Alan: For your information, nothing.
Charlie: Nothing?
Alan: Not a cent. I'm leasing her a Saturn!

Alan: [Charlie is mocking Alan for wanting to go camping with Jake] My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?
Charlie: Actually, it's more of a limerick: 'There once was a moron named Al / Who wanted to camp with his pal... ' Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?

Jake: [Charlie hires Jake's former 5th grade teacher away from her new lap-dance job to be Jake's tutor. She is wearing a revealing, low-cut outfit with leather boots. Jake doesn't seem to notice] I'm sorry, but I'm still confused.
Dolores: Oh, boy. Okay. Ummm, let's look at it this way. How 'bout if you make 40 dollars a dance. If you want to find out how much you can earn per hour, you have to solve for x times 40, x being the number of dances you can do in an hour.
Jake: What about tips?
Dolores: That's a variable.
Jake: Oh, I get it! So the money you kick back to the house is...
Both,: The constant!
Dolores: Good for you! That's a good start!
Jake: Yeah, it was. You make learning fun.
[she laughs gently, he gets up to leave]
Dolores: Where are you going?
Jake: Take a shower.

Berta: Well, you know what they say: early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and can't get laid, huh?
Charlie: Maybe I'm not trying.
Berta: Yeah, and look for me next month on the cover of Maxim. I'll have nothing on but the vacuum.

Harry: [to Charlie] Let me tell you something about... "relevant". The root of the word "relevant" is "rel", which is also the root of the word "relative". Your brother is your "relative", ergo, your brother is "relevant".

Charlie: I've got a riding crop in my bathroom that's never touched a horse.

Alan: [repeated line, whenever he's stressed out] I-I-I-I-I...

Charlie: You smile and tell everybody what they want to hear, but I *know* what goes on inside your grinning little puppet head!
Alan: You don't have a *clue* what's going on inside my little puppet head, because to *know* that, you would have to be capable of perceiving a world that exists beyond the tip of your *penis*!

Berta: Zippy gettin' a hooker?
Charlie: Yeah.
Berta: Talk about earning your money.

Jake: Hey, don't just talk about me like I'm not here.
Charlie: Keep yapping and you won't be.

Charlie: Hey. After the kid goes back to his mother's, do you wanna go out and grab some dinner?
Alan: I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.
Charlie: Why not? You got a date?... He said, knowing the answer, but asked him anyway, just to be polite.
Alan: No, I don't have a date... He replied, all the while thinking: "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon".

Evelyn: [to Alan] Ohhh, my randy little nincompoop. Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have... Well, many more stepfathers than you already have.

Jake: So is it just me or did that kid kind of look like Uncle Charlie?

Alan: Oh, boy. Charlie, we need to talk.
Charlie: For the last time, you look stunning.
Alan: No, we need to get our story straight.
Charlie: What story?
Alan: We're supposed to be a couple. I mean, uh, how long have we been together? How did we meet?
Charlie: Okay, fine. I met you in Thailand and bought you from a guy.
Alan: I am serious. If we're going to pull this off, we need to be convincing. I mean, do we have a favorite song? Cute names for each other? I mean, I don't even know if we're dog people or cat people.
Charlie: Oh, I forgot to tell you. The guy I bought you from in Thailand had your vocal cords removed.

Jake: I understand.
Charlie: Do you?
Jake: No, I'm just tired and I don't care anymore.

Jake: [Dressed in a suit with his hair slicked back] How do I look?
Charlie: Like you should be knocking on peoples' doors asking them if they've heard the Good News.

Charlie: Look, Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me any more.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey! I get enough of that crap from my mother!

Charlie: When the Good Lord was handing out courage, you were hiding in your locker, peeing in your gym socks.
Alan: I had three Mr. Pibbs at lunch!

Charlie: Hey, you still got your old garage door clicker, right?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: So, let Judith have the books and then one night maybe someone goes and gets them back.
Alan: Wonderful. Breaking and entering.
Charlie: It's not breaking if you have the clicker!
Alan: More good advice.
Charlie: And it's free! So, hang up, let's get that beer!
Alan: [on the phone] Oh. Oh, sure I'll hold.
[to Charlie]
Alan: They're patching me through to her cell phone.
[cell phone rings upstairs]
Alan: What's that?
Charlie: That? Th-tha-that is coincidentally *my* cell phone!

Charlie: [after he's told Rose he's marrying Mia] I was afraid this would come as a big shock.
Rose: Afraid? You have nothing to fear Charlie, I'm your friend.
[smiles at Charlie]

Evelyn: Can you believe? Two of Cynthia's three children didn't even bother showing up at her funeral, and the one who did was drunk and cracking tasteless jokes about his mother all throughout the service!
Charlie: You didn't happen to jot any of them down, did you?

Rose: I'm so worried he's not going to like me.
Charlie: He's going to love you, Rose. Just go out, have a great time, and don't come on too strong.
Rose: Me? Too strong? What do you mean?
Charlie: Okay. Well, speaking from my own experience, there's nothing wrong with asking a guy for a blood test, but to actually try to take the blood *yourself* is a little strong.
Rose: I see.

Charlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, Knocking Down the Wall.
Alan: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called Kiss My Pale White Ass.

Judith: [spots Kandi across the room] Is that a diamond necklace? You never gave *me* a diamond necklace!
Alan: Yeah? Well, you never gave *me* extra special, bonus sex!

Charlie: [on the phone with Alan, who is trying to ditch his drunk blind date] Alan, Alan, calm down, calm down! Listen to me. Here's what you do. Take her to a crowded club, pin a warning note on her back as a courtesy to the next guy, and run like hell!... Well, if you don't want my advice, why'd you call me?

Alan: My brother's making lemonade.

Betsy: I'm Betsy.
Charlie: [shaking her hand] Charlie.
Jake: Jake.
Charlie: Nobody asked you.

Charlie: [to his penis] Yes, I know she's hot, but I'm thinking long-term, so shut up!

Jake: [just learned that he has to spend the night at Evelyn's] What did I ever do to you?
Alan: It's - it's not a punishment.
Jake: It's not a prize! I'm calling Mom!
Alan: No, no, no! No calling Mom.
Jake: I know my rights! I get one phone call!

Rose: Boy, you look like hell.
Charlie: That's strange. I feel like crap.

Alan: My point is, there comes a time in a man's life where he has to start accepting his limitations.
Charlie: Yeah? Well, my point is, the day you start accepting limitations is the day you start dying. And I'm not dying, my friend. I am living life to the fullest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up and take a nap.

Jake: You had a dream about a train going into a tunnel? That sounds boring...... It means *what*?

Evelyn: I see! So you're *both* turning against me!
Charlie: No, I turned a looong time ago. Alan's just catching up.

Beverly: I guess you've noticed I'm a little taller than 5'9".
Alan: Oh, yeah. But, uh, everybody fudges a little on those dating profiles. How tall are you?
Beverly: 5'13".

Alan: [sarcastically] Are you happy?
Charlie: Yeah, I have my moments, but they're becoming further apart.

Kandi: Ouch!
Alan: What?
Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.
Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist?
Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do!

Alan: Now, about race riots...
Charlie: Try not to take sides.
Alan: If anybody asks, you're mulatto.

Alan: You need a woman who's more age-appropiate.
Charlie: What is age-appropiate for me?
Alan: Forty.
Charlie: Are you out of your mind?

Rose: [during blind date] Alan, I understand you're a chiropractor?
Alan: Yes. I am a chiropractor. Charlie?
Charlie: Yes. He's a chiropractor.
Rose: Oh, that's just terrific. And what do you do, Charlie?
Charlie: Um... I write... kids songs and... jingles. Alan?
Alan: Yes. He writes kids songs and jingles. And I am a chiropractor.
Charlie: Yes. He's a chiropractor.

Charlie: Alright, are you gonna come back inside or do I have to drag you in by your big, flappy, monkey ears ?
Rose: Listen to him, Alan. He's begging you.
Alan: No, thank you, Charlie. I am quite happy chatting out here with Rose.
Charlie: Okay. I tried to be the loving brother. You sulky little weasel.
Rose: That really wasn't necessary, Alan.
Alan: Yes, it was. You're my friend and friends don't just abandon friends because something better comes along.
Rose: Oh. Well, then, this might sting a bit. I have something else to do and I'm pretty sure it's better.

Alan: [Charlie wonders why Alan is upset] I will tell you why. Because every time you rut with any woman even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering!

Steven: [to Charlie, who's picking a fight over Tyler's voice exercises] Let's see what you got, jingle balls!
Charlie: Okay. I'm going to rip off your big, fat lips and use them to kiss my ass!

Berta: [Berta tops off her coffee with rum, takes a swig out of the bottle and smacks her lips] Mmmm... That's good coffee.
Alan: [walking into the kitchen] Good morning.
Berta: It's getting there.

Charlie: [standing in line to get into a club] Alan! Alan! You're embarrassing me!
Alan: *I'm* embarrassing *you*? Look at yourself! You're standing in line, in a dank alley, in the middle of the urine district!
Charlie: Hey! Hey-hey-hey! This is the hippest club in town!
Alan: Oh, hip smip! It's a toilet with a doorman!

Charlie: Wow. Texas used to be a separate country. Why did we change that?

Charlie: These divorce lawyers have a good business don't they?
Alan: Yeah, in the same way locusts have a good business!

Charlie: Berta, how long have you been working for me?
Berta: Define working.

Sandy: I find just a couple of drops of lemon juice on the dryer sheet really freshens up the whole load.
Berta: Really? I find just a couple of Valiums in my coffee keeps me from snapping necks.

Alan: Would you mind toasting my buns, please?
Charlie: [tips his beer bottle] To your buns!

Alan: I'm not taking the fall for you.
Charlie: When have you ever taken the fall for me?
Alan: I don't know, but somehow it always works out that whenever you get laid, I get screwed!

Charlie: What have they got you on?
Herb: All the good stuff. They could pull out all my teeth and I wouldn't even know it. They haven't, have they?
[Opens mouth]

Alan: [about hookers] What can I get in the two hundred dollar range?
Charlie: Crabs. And car-jacked.

Dorothy: [to Gloria, about Charlie] You can't sleep with him because he might be your brother!

Chelsea: [the four are at a restaurant, where Chelsea sets up Alan with the "perfect date", Rose] Charlie, Alan, this is my friend, Rose. Rose, this is Charlie and Alan.
Rose: [pointing a handshake towards Charlie] It's nice to meet you, Alan.
Chelsea: No, that's Charlie.
Rose: Ooh! Even better! Hi Alan!
Alan: [monotone] Hi.
Chelsea: Why don't we all sit down?
Charlie: So many reasons...

Charlie: [to Jake] Are you kidding me? Who knows more about women than your Uncle Charlie?
Berta: Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...

Charlie: [Charlie's view on Disneyland after returning from a day spent there] "Happiest Place On Earth", my Snow White ass!

Alan: [about Charlie] Why... Why do you enable his bahavior?
Berta: Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great! He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well... I don't want to live in that America!
Berta: [starts singing as she leaves the kitchen] "Oh, beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain... "

Alan: [scrubbing Jake's tuxedo pants] What is this, candle wax? How do you get candle wax on the seat of your pants?
Jake: I don't know!
Alan: You don't know?
Jake: Okay, I might've lit a couple of farts.

Berta: Relatives, huh? Can't live with them, can't turn them in for the reward.

Jenna: So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom?
Alan: Well, the bride is my mother, so... the groom.

Alexis: Shall we, uhm, take care of business before we get started?
Alan: [giddy] Oh, oh, absolutely. Uh... uh, no... "no money - no honey"... no, "no lootie - no bootie"... "no cash advance, I'm not in your pants"! That was four hundred, right?
Alexis: Five.
Alan: [embarrassed] Oh, of course, five. Why did I think it was four?

Charlie: How 'bout you? Do you, you hit the track?
Greg: Yeah, it's actually my second biggest expense, after alimony.
Charlie: So, all your money goes to the nags, huh?

Alan: You really enjoy screwing with me, don'tcha?

Jake: [Charlie plans on dumping a woman whom Jake likes, and Alan thinks is great for him] I don't understand.
Alan: It's very simple, buddy. Uncle Charlie is nuts.
Charlie: Yeah, nuts like a fox!
Jake: So, then, Wendy can't take me rollerblading any more?
Charlie: Nope.
Jake: No more movies?
Charlie: 'Fraid not.
Jake: Boy, you suck.
[he leaves, disgusted]
Charlie: Suck? How do I suck?
Alan: Like a fox!
Charlie: [much later, Charlie finally explains to Jake why he dumped Wendy] So, we're cool?
Jake: Yeah.
Charlie: Good. Good night.
Jake: [just before Charlie leaves] Uncle Charlie, does this mean you don't have nuts like a fox?
Charlie: [reflecting on Jake's accidental wisdom] Yeah. That's what it means.

Berta: So, who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?
Courtney: Berta! He was my father!
Berta: I'm sorry. Who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?

[repeated line]
Mia: [whenever Charlie says something outrageous] Are you out of your freaking mind?

Alan: Jake, I want you to tell your uncle what you wanted to sing.
Jake: It's called "Whup That Stanky Ho"!

Charlie: [about Jake] I'm telling you, Alan. One of these days that kid's gonna fart and birds are gonna fall out of the sky.

[repeated line]
Alan: It's not a chick car!

Charlie: I've got two grand in my pocket that's itchin' to turn into twelve bucks and a hangover.

Alan: [referring to resisting the temptation to romance his receptionist] I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the "Blue Man Group".
Charlie: [turns aside and yells] Berta! Hide the vacuum cleaner!

Charlie: Daisy? Can I talk to you for a minute?
Daisy: Daisy is no longer inhabiting this earthly vessel.
Charlie: Excuse me?
Daisy: I am Oxyquatzal, warrior priestess of the Aztec people.

Alan: [after meeting Bill/Jill] Nice guy. Poker buddy?
Charlie: Yeah, I used to. And don't call me 'buddy'.

Evelyn: It doesn't matter, darling. You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it.

Jake: [slurring on the phone] Hey, Uncle Charlie! It's me, Jakey! I'm drunk. How are you? Are you with a woman? Does she have big ones?

[repeated line]
Charlie: What the hell are you doing?

Angie: If a child doesn't grow up in a nurturing environment, he develops a big hole inside that can never be filled.
Charlie: Oh, I have such a big hole. If my hole could talk.

Charlie: I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me. And on my next statement there were charges for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.

Alan: If we're going to be a couple, I wanna be the husband.
Charlie: [Mockingly] Who's gonna believe you're the husband!
Alan: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's *been* a husband!
Charlie: [Mockingly] You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?
Alan: Nevertheless... I'm going to be the husband in *this* one.
Charlie: [Said after Alan walks out of the room] Well, la-di-dah!

Charlie: [to Alan] *Don't* talk about my penis! You have *not* earned the right!

Berta: [about Jake] Did you check to see if he's constipated?
Alan: Berta, his mother and I are going through a divorce, and there's a lot of emotions he hasn't processed.
Berta: Maybe so, but there's also a lot of string cheese he hasn't processed.

Charlie: Clearly he is the chosen one...
Alan: [speaking in awe] And they shall call him, "Jake".

[first lines]
Alan: [sits next to Jake] Hey.
Jake: [playing a video game on TV] Hi.
Alan: So... what's going on in school?
Jake: Nothing.
Alan: Nothing? You just sit there all day and stare at the wall?
Jake: That's where the clock is...
Alan: Well, I - I find it hard to believe you - you just watch a clock all day.
Jake: Have you *seen* my report card?

Charlie: So, you actually want to be with him?
Rose: I do.
Charlie: And you believe she has no ulterior motive whatsoever?
Alan: I do.
Charlie: Fine! I now pronounce you fruitbasket and nutcase. And God have mercy on your souls.

Berta: Hey, Charlie! Who do I work for? You? Or that fastidious parasite you call a brother?

[Charlie's version of "Excelsis Deo"]
Charlie: Gloooooria, tonight I'm boinking Gloria!

Charlie: [Showing his genital rash] What do you think?
Dr. Prajneep: Well, it looks like an allergic reaction. Have you been applying anything to your genital region?
Charlie: Just the usual: waitresses and actresses.

Alan: You'll go to Mom's funeral, won't you?
Charlie: Of course! As the eldest son, it's my obligation to pound in the stake.
Alan: Typical! Nothing for Alan to do.
Charlie: [pretending to be irritated] Okaaay. You can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.
Alan: Thank you!

Alan: Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list. On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage, and on the other side, what you do.
Judith: Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start crying in my car.
Alan: Okay. That would probably go on the "don't" side.

Charlie: Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan, or the butterfly. All of God's creatures are perfect just the way he made them. Except you. You suck.
Alan: Okay, okay, fine. Name three things you would change about me.
Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

Judith: Well, you could have picked up the phone and given me a heads-up.
Alan: Pick up the phone? Judith, I needed barbecue tongs to take a leak!

[Charlie, trying to get rid of the seagulls on the deck railing]
Charlie: Shoo!

Alan: Will you look at that? They're bonding already!
Charlie: Alan, your kid would join the Taliban, if they made their own s'mores!

Dr. Linda Freeman: Anything bothering you lately?
Charlie: Well, there is this one thing, but I don't know if it's medical or psychological.
Dr. Linda Freeman: Tell me.
Charlie: Lately, I've passed up a couple of opportunities to get some strange.
Dr. Linda Freeman: "Strange"?
Charlie: Oh. Women with whom I have not previously been acquainted.
Dr. Linda Freeman: Oh, right. "Strange". Charming.

Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.

Charlie: I'll go back upstairs, you come knock on my door again and say you want to talk to me. Only this time, I'll kill you!
Alan: Oh, come on! You're all I have left in this world! I need you Charlie!
Charlie: Anybody here know a "Charlie"?

Alan: Hey! Where've you been?
Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.

Charlie: [singing] If your home is bug infested, filled with spiders, flies or gnats / all our sprays are safety tested, we kill vermin, not your cat.

Charlie: Sure you don't want a drink?
Alan: Drinking alcohol just makes me depressed.
Charlie: See, the trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon.

Charlie: [wants custody of Jake if something happens to Judith and Alan] All right, Alan, let me ask you something: if I'm here, and Jake's in Rhode Island, who's gonna teach him all the things he needs to know?
Alan: Jerry and Faye are both college professors.
Charlie: I'm talking about the important stuff. About life. Face it. When the time comes, are those two *eggheads* gonna step up and get your kid laid?
Alan: You're not helping your case, Charlie.

Jake: [Charlie and Jake are watching 'Jaws'] This movie is stupid.
Charlie: This movie is a classic.
Jake: It's been 40 minutes and we haven't even seen the shark yet!
Charlie: That's because they're building suspense. Letting you use your imagination.
Jake: You know what I'm imagining? A better movie!

Dorothy: Listen, Alan. I'm looking for my daughter.
Alan: Drunk blonde?
Dorothy: Well, she isn't always blonde...

Charlie: Her name's Alexis.
Alan: Alexis. That's a pretty name.
Charlie: They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never find a hooker named Maude.

Alan: Anyway, you, me and Mom are taking Jake to a show: Magic Hats Club.
Charlie: You invited Mom?
Alan: You want to tell her she can't come to her only grandchild's birthday? Cause believe me, I *tried*.
Charlie: Oh, man.
Alan: Look at the bright side, maybe we can bribe one of the magicians to get her sawed in half.

Berta: What's going on?
Alan: Well, it would appear that the ol' sperminator here has fathered a child.
Charlie: I did not!
Alan: How can you be so sure?
Charlie: 'Cause I never play in the rain without a slicker and galoshes.
Berta: I'm confused. Where do the galoshes go?
Charlie: It's just a figure of speech. Everything that needs to be covered is covered when, you know, covering is appropriate.
Berta: I didn't ask for your life story. I was just confused about the galoshes.

Alan: No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.

Alan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space, where you sat around, got drunk and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family and no meaning!
Charlie: There's a word for that Alan: "Utopia"!

[first lines]
Alan: Hey. How do I look?
Charlie: [not looking] Incredible. All men want to be you, all women want to be with you.
Alan: Can you at least look at me before you answer?
Charlie: [looks] I stand corrected. All men want to be with you...

Alan: [about Charlie] The man's got a heat-seeking missile in his pants.

Jake: Your mom is my grandma?
Charlie: Yep.
Jake: Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.

Berta: [to Charlie] What is it you always say about going to a wedding with a woman you're sleeping with? You say, and I quote, "Better I should light myself on fire and run through a meth lab".

Alan: Okay, name 3 things you would change about me.
Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

Alan: Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?
Charlie: Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag.

Various: [repeated line, from women Charlie manages to piss off] You son of a bitch!

[scrolling through contact list]
Charlie: [sings alphabet] A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H... Hookers! Hookers, hookers, hookers...

Evelyn: Too late, I'm not speaking to you.
Charlie: Alright.
Evelyn: Would you like to know why?
Charlie: No. I trust your judgment.

Alan: I'm confused. Is she a mountain or a fish?
Charlie: Doesn't matter. Either way, I'm gonna scale her.
[exit]
Alan: And you! Why do you enable this behavior?
Berta: Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". When any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well, I don't want to live in that America.
Berta: [Exits singing] Oh, beautiful, for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain...

Charlie: What are you guys talking about?
Dr. Herb Melnick: Masturbating at the YMCA.
Charlie: Really? Just talk, right?
Alan: Yeah, but the night is young.

Herb: I'm a doctor.
Kandi: Are you a doctor like Alan, or are you a real doctor?
Herb: I'm a pediatrician.
Kandi: Oh, you do feet.
Herb: No, children.
Kandi: Isn't that illegal?

Jake: Oh, come on. Why can't I live with you guys?
Charlie: Oh, Jake. Do you have any idea how much I have to clean up my act when you're here on weekends?
Jake: What are you talking about? I see you drink, gamble, you have strange girls sleep over.
Charlie: Uh-huh. Drop in unannounced on a Wednesday and you'll be scarred for life.

Berta: I'm warning you, coffee tends to shoot through me. So, if you've got a cavity search planned, you better do it pretty quick.
Wes: We don't need to do a cavity search.
Berta: Can I request one?
Wes: What do you know about Teddy Leopold?
Berta: I know he was hot for me. He was always flirting.

Alan: Let's just give it a chance, to see how it works.
Charlie: That's what Poland said about the Germans.
Alan: Been watching History Channel again?
Charlie: It's Nazi week.
Alan: It's always Nazi week.

Chelsea: What I mean is, if we're going to see each other on a regular basis, there should be some give and take.
Charlie: Based on last night, we're pretty even-steven in the give and take department. And if I recall correctly, you're up one take.
Chelsea: Hey! Of the two of us, I'm the one with tennis elbow!

[repeated line]
Judith: JAAAKE! YOUR FATHER IS HERE!

Alan: [to Trudy after Evelyn calls to cancel her double date] Uh, apparently, uh, your - your father mixed up his heart pills with his Viagra, and they - didn't wanna - waste the opportunity.

[Rose pulls alongside Alan as they drive]
Rose: [upset] You didn't call!
Alan: What's that?
Rose: You said you'd call me and you didn't call!
Jake: Hi, Rose!
Rose: [suddenly cheerful] Hey, Jake!

Charlie: [about Jake] He's not too bright, so you can lie to him all you want.
Alan: Charlie?
Charlie: Oh, come on! Until he was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!

Evelyn: I think God gives us children so death won't come as *such* a disappointment.

Charlie: Congratulations, Alan. You've managed to take the fun out of boobs.

Alan: Norman, this is Berta.
Norman: Hello.
Berta: What is this, a fix-up?
Alan: No, uh, nothing like that.
Berta: That's good, because I'd probably kill him.
[to Norman]
Berta: Nothing personal, Cottontop, I just kinda like it rough.
Alan: [to Norman] Have another cookie.
Berta: So, is anyone gonna tell me what's going on?
Alan: Well, it's a little complicated. Charlie -
[Berta cuts him off]
Berta: Got it.

Chrissy: Right. Well, we should get going. It was nice seeing you.
Charlie: Nice to see you, too.
Chrissy: Come on, Chuck.
Chuck: [follows his mother]
Alan: Chuck?
Charlie: I heard it! Lots of kids are named Chuck!
Alan: It's a nickname for Charles, isn't it?
Charlie: So are Chaz, Chad, Chick and Charlie. What's your point?
Alan: No point. It's just that you haven't seen that woman in nine years, and little Chuck is, uh... Well, how old do you suppose little Chuck is?
Charlie: What difference does it make?
Alan: Well, I'd say little Chuck is uh... seven or eight years old, give or take nine months.

Alan: [looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date] That her?
Alan: [blows his nose] I'm cured!

[Alan goes to Evelyn's to ask her for money]
Evelyn: [Comes to the front door dressed as a schoolgirl] What can I do for you, Alan?
Alan: [pause] Nothing. Never mind.

Alan: [Charlie and Alan are arguing about the double date they just came from] What do you want from me? I-I-I went out to the club. I went to the after-hours club. I went out to breakfast. I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot.
Charlie: Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now!
Alan: Oh, darn! What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?

Alan: [Alan is worried that Jake might be losing interest in him as a father] I can't help but feel a little empty inside, like, like a chapter of my life is over.
Charlie: So, you've still got plenty to look forward to.
Alan: Y'mean besides work, loneliness and death?
Charlie: Absolutely. There's memory loss, impotence, adult diapers...
Charlie: [Alan glares at him as Charlie grins] I'm all you've got, pal.

Charlie: [In the shower, with Wendy. Pokes his head out of the shower curtain] Jake, I'm not alone in here!
Jake: Who is it?
Charlie: A friend of mine.
Jake: Is it a girl?
Charlie: Hold on, let me check.
[Charlie ducks his head back into the shower, then reappears]
Charlie: Oh, yeah!

Dr. Linda Freeman: [about Chelsea dumping him] So, how did you feel about losing her?
Charlie: What do you mean?
Dr. Linda Freeman: What do I mean? Come on, Charlie. Dr. Seuss could diagnose this. You're stuffing yourself with crap to suppress your negative feelings.
Charlie: No, I'm pretty sure that's why I drink.

Rose: [Alan answers the door expecting a hooker but instead sees Rose] Hey, Alan!
Alan: Rose? For God's sake! Did Charlie put you up to this?
Rose: What are you talking about? Charlie didn't put me up to anything.
Alan: Right. So it's just a coincidence that I'm sitting here waiting for a prostitute and all of a sudden, you show up at the front door?
Rose: [Dismayed] You're waiting for a prostitute?
Alan: [Sheepishly] No!

Charlie: So, what? You waltz in and make yourself at home whenever I'm out?
Rose: That's not true. Sometimes you're upstairs asleep.

Rose: So you like this dress better?
Charlie: Hang on, Rose. The kid's running around the deck in his underwear.
Rose: Well, sure. But when *I* do it, you just ignore me.

Charlie: Last night, in bed, I told her I love her. And you know what she said?
Alan: Umm... "I'm still not going to let you do that"?
Charlie: She said, "Thank you".
Alan: Ooh, that's an ice cube to the man sack.
Charlie: I don't get it. I've gone the whole nine yards for this relationship. I gave her her own drawer in my bedroom. I stopped smoking cigars after sex. I even started seeing a shrink so I can be more sensitive, and I still can't get a freaking "I love you"!
Alan: [sarcastically] But you've obviously become more sensitive.
Charlie: For what I've spent on therapy, I could get a couple of very expensive hookers who will say *anything* I want.
Alan: There's that sensitivity again.

Charlie: [about sexual frustration] I mean, how do you stop yourself from, you know, running a red light and then taunting a cop until he shoots you?

Berta: [brings in eggnog] Here we go, more fuel for the fire.
Charlie: You said you were going home!
Berta: Well, that was before I knew you were having a party.
Charlie: This isn't a party! It's just a bunch of people I don't like, standing around, drinking my booze... Oh, crap! It *is* a party.

Charlie: It's not funny!
Alan: Well, maybe not funny ha-ha, but certainly funny hee-hee.
Charlie: That boy was nothing like me!
Alan: Well, he didn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.

Dr. Herb Melnick: I could get used to this.
Charlie: Don't.
Alan: As far as Charlie's concerned, "mi casa es mi casa".

Charlie: Ah, man! I'm the *extra* guy!

Berta: [to Charlie] How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of bleu cheese?

Alan: Remember, Jake. Courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking action *despite* fear.

Mrs. Schmidt: Hey! Bottle Baby! I'm up here!

Charlie: You know, there was a time it would have worked.
Alan: Yes, with your silicone simpletons. But, Chelsea is too smart for your crap.
Charlie: Yeah. Plus, there's no silicone in those babies.
Alan: Darn. I owe Berta five bucks.

Rose: When your psyche gets iffy, you can't get a stiffy.

[Charlie takes Gloria upstairs]
Berta: Aw, ain't that sweet? Every time a guy has sex, an angel gets a stiffy!

Jake: Hey, you may think I'm dumb, but you overestimate me.

Alan: Maybe if she realized how people see her, she might make an effort to change.
Charlie: If she realized how people see her, she'd just get new people.
Charlie: [two weeks later, at their mother's house, after they had hurt her feelings, they walk in and discover two men and a boy doting on her] Son-of-a-bitch! She got new people!

Alan: Are you equating me with termites?
Charlie: Hell, no! You can get rid of termites!

[last lines]
Charlie: Well, remember how you were a bed-wetter 'til you were eight?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: You actually stopped at six.
Alan: What? What-what did you do? Did you sneak into my room, and-and-and-and pour warm water on me while I was asleep?
Charlie: Yeah, okay. Let's say it was water, and let's say I poured it.
[Alan's jaw drops]
Charlie: Well, I feel better. How 'bout you?

Cab: Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.
Charlie: Oh, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in *sissy sauce*, and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.
Alan: That's right! And, and, she made *him* so scared of intimacy, that, that he has just this endless stream of girls running in and out of his life.
Charlie: Damn her!
Cab: You know, many psychologists agree that until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
Charlie: Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil!

Charlie: I don't pay you to mock me.
Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.

Charlie: [about to get married in Vegas] I just wanna get this over with!
Alan: Get this over with? That's the attitude you take to a proctologist, not a marriage!

Kandi: Do you know a good lawyer, Alan?
Alan: No, but my ex-wife does. Why?
Kandi: Because I wanna sue the guy who sold me that lemming!
Alan: You mean "lemon".
Kandi: I do?
[Alan nods]
Kandi: Okay!
Alan: Did you get any kind of written guarantee when you bought it?
Kandi: No, it was more of an oral agreement!

Frankie: [Alan is scooping pancakes onto Frankie's plate] Man! Deep tissue massage, pancakes... If you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect.

Rose: Charlie, you're acting crazy.
Charlie: Really?
Berta: Hey! If *anyone* knows...

Charlie: [Seeing Mia arrive for their wedding] I was afraid you were going to chicken out.
Kandi: That's funny, she said the same thing about *you*!

Alan: A movie would be fine.
Charlie: All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
Jake: There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arrrr"!
[Alan and Charlie doesn't laugh and just stare at him]

Charlie: This is a short-term relationship, right?
Alan: I don't know...
Charlie: Trust me, it's a short term relationship. I mean, Kandi's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but even *she's* gonna wake up one day and wonder what she's doing shacked up with a penniless putz who's twice her age!
Alan: Kandi's not like that.
Charlie: Just wait. Your first minor stroke and she'll be boinking the cardiologist before you can scrawl "What happened?" on your notepad!

Alan: Show me the better!

Dolores: Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.
Alan: I know. I've been married twice.

Alan: Listen to yourself. Excuse me, I have to go to work.
Charlie: Hold it.
Alan: What?
Charlie: Your watch.
Alan: What about it?
Charlie: It doesn't have Hamburglars on the wrist band.
Alan: So?
Charlie: Lee me see it.
Alan: No, it's mine.
Charlie: Let me see it. Let me see it. This is a Rolex. You sold me out for a watch!
Alan: Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch. I sold you out for a certified Swiss chronometer. Stainless steel Submariner, waterproof up to 300 meters. And look, it winds itself!
Charlie: [Seeing Alan pumping his left arm] Put it on your right arm and it will run forever.
Alan: [Thoughtful pause] Oh, good thinking.

Jake: [left standing in the rain after soccer practice] I can't believe you forgot me!
Alan: I said I'm sorry.
Jake: You forgot me!
Alan: I know. I feel terrible.
Jake: How many kids you got?
Alan: [after asking if he can make up for it by going out for a special dinner] How 'bout a movie?
Jake: Why? You gonna leave me there, too?

Kimberly: [takes a drink] I was raised by my Grandma. I called her "Nana".
Charlie: Is that so?
Kimberly: [takes a drink] Yeah. I was raised by my Grandma. I called her "Nana".
Charlie: Uh huh.
Kimberly: [takes a drink] Oh, yeah. She was a big influence on me. She raised me. I called her "Nana".
Charlie: Oh, Jake... What have we done to you?

Alan: You know, Charlie, there's a special section in hell reserved for people like you.
Charlie: That's good. Because I'd hate to have to stand on line.

Charlie: Who knew there were book stores for kids?
Alan: Everyone but you.

Alan: [to Charlie] You just could not control yourself! "A female's in the house! She must be mounted!"

Alan: Are you aware that you haven't had a paying job in nine months?
Charlie: Are you aware that urine cures athlete's foot?

Jake: [comes in from shopping with his Dad, wearing a very oversized shirt] Just once, I'd like to get clothes that fit *now*!
Alan: Well, quit going through puberty, and we'll talk about it.

Laura: You are a bad, bad boy!
Charlie: And yet, you're always the one getting spanked!

Jake: Lydia sells homes on the biatch.

Charlie: [about Alan's upcoming colonoscopy] But I hear there's nothing to worry about! It's a tiny little camera! Count your blessings. In the old days, they'd send a sketch-artist up there.

Charlie: [answers the door] Hey, Judith. Alan's at work.
Judith: [really upset] I know where Alan is. I came to talk to *you*.
Charlie: Me? But you don't like me.
Judith: I don't.
Charlie: [smiling] I like you.
Judith: Jake's fourth grade class was given a simple assignment. Draw something interesting you see around the house. One child drew a record player, another drew a parrot. My son drew this.
Judith: [gets a picture out of her purse] A woman's behind with a butterfly tattoo.
Charlie: [pensively] On the right cheek. I'll have to just act surprised.
Judith: I asked him where he saw this. He said, "In Uncle Charlie's kitchen."
Charlie: Well, you gotta admit, it beats the hell out of a parrot!

Berta: I'm going home.
Charlie: I suppose you want me to pay you.
Berta: Not necessary. I took the money out of your wallet.
Charlie: Fine.
Berta: Guess what? I got a raise.
Charlie: Congratulations.
Berta: You want to know why I got a raise?
Charlie: No. I'm sure I had my reasons.
Berta: Because when I took this job, all I had to do was clean up after *you*. And while that may have been disgusting, it was do-able. And then your brother moved in, which I accepted with my usual good humor because he cleans up after himself like a... neurotic raccoon.
Charlie: This is about the kid, right?
Berta: Good for you! That's why you're the boss.
Charlie: He's just here for a week. It's a temporary situation.
Berta: And yet, my raise is permanent.

Lydia: Oh, Charlie, I almost forgot. I'm serving hors d'oeuvres for an open house tomorrow, so I'll need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours.
Berta: Say what?
Lydia: [to Berta] I'm talking to Charlie.
[to Charlie]
Lydia: You don't mind, do you?
Charlie: Mind? Well, uh...
Berta: You want to borrow me? What am I, a carpet steamer?
Lydia: I'm not saying I won't pay you. Plus, you can take home all the leftovers.
Berta: Oh, gee! Why don't you just toss 'em in a big bowl and I'll eat 'em out in the yard!
Lydia: Well, that's a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor.
Berta: You wanna do me a favor? You take the money you were going to pay me, convert them into rolls of nickels, then bend over and -
[Charlie cuts her off]

Charlie: [Referring to Jake] He's a doorstop that eats!

Teddy: Do me a favour. Let's keep this between us. I want your mother to think I went on a business trip.
Charlie: No problem. My mother still thinks I went to college.
Teddy: Beautiful.

Chelsea: He didn't even say, "thank you".
Charlie: He's leaving the room. We should be thanking *him*.

Berta: Trust me. You want me to have a room with a private crapper.

Charlie: [about relationships and sexual orientation] I mean, I just think that variety is the spice of life. And as far as spices go, some people like salt, some people like pepper, some people like salt *and* pepper. Me? I like women.

Alan: Don't set the bar too high for the wedding night.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Alan: It's a long, stressful day. You'll be exhausted, full of banquet food and cheap champagne. Take my advice: tell her you love her, give her a big kiss, and try to fall asleep with your ass pointed toward an open window!

Rose: You can't expect me to go back to what we had without some kind of commitment.
Charlie: Commitment?
Rose: We're going to get married, right?
Charlie: Married?
Rose: Sell the house in Malibu and move to a kid-friendly neighborhood here, in London.
Charlie: Kid?
Rose: Kids. We're gonna have kids, aren't we?

Evelyn: [Alan is furious with Charlie] How are my boys doing this evening?
Evelyn: [no response] Brrrr... Well, I think Mommy has the answer. Alan, if you find it intolerable living under the same roof with the brother who betrayed you, then you and Jake can come and live with me.
Alan: [thinks it over, turns to Charlie, shaking his hand] We're good.

Alan: I am Jake's father, and I happen to believe childhood should be a time of innocence.
Charlie: I agree. Childhood *should* be a time of innocence. And Bambi's mother shouldn't die. And lap dances should be complimentary after the fifth cocktail. But that's not the world we live in. This party tonight is the initial round in a lifelong process of sexual elimination.
Alan: Oh, really?
Charlie: Think of it as musical chairs. But when the music stops, the guys who have a clue are sittin' on a woman instead of a chair. The guys who have no clue, they'll spend their teenage years... Well, I certainly don't need to tell Dungeon Master Alan.

Teddy: [Watching a fight together in Las Vegas] Charlie, you need anything?
Charlie: Teddy, if I was any happier my pants would be wet!

Alan: [talking to Judith on Herb's phone] What? I'm, uh, uh, uh, I'm sorry, I can't hear you! Yeah! Uh, uh, uh, I think this phone is unning out of atteries!... I ed, his hone is unning out of atteries! Oodbye, Udith!
[to Charlie]
Alan: Think she bought it?
Charlie: If she did, she's oopider than ooh.

Alan: Things will go great for you. You just have to remember a few things.
Jake: Like what?
Alan: Well, always keep your money in your shoe, but have some spare change in your pocket.
Jake: How come?
Alan: Decoy money. They won't stop hitting you 'til they get something.
Jake: Who are "they"?
Alan: The big kids, holding you by your ankles and plunging your head in the toilet.
Jake: [Worried look on face] Plunging my head in the toilet?
Charlie: D-don't, don't, don't, don't freak the kid out, Alan!
[to Jake]
Charlie: It's not so much plunging as... dipping.

Jake: I bet it's swamp ass.
Charlie: What's swamp ass?
Berta: Don't worry. You'd know if you had swamp ass.
Jake: Man, I hate swamp ass.

Alan: [to Jake] All right, buddy. I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy. But, I think it's something you're old enough to understand.
[pause]
Alan: You can do better than me.
Charlie: *Way* better!

Charlie: [to Rose, as she gets in her taxi] Yeah, right. I'll see you tomorrow.
[goes into Rose's house, sees that it's empty]
Charlie: Wow. Maybe not tomorrow.
[sits down on the floor]

Berta: What's bugging you, Zippy? Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy?
Alan: Just mind your business and do your job.
Berta: Want to rephrase that?

Alan: Maybe that's the answer!
Charlie: What was the question?
Alan: Who is Alan Harper?
Charlie: Well, that's easy. Alan Harper is an idiot!

Charlie: [on Jake] How can I be blackmailed by Forrest Gump?

Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiver, not an idiot.

Charlie: Twenty-five years ago, I put Silly-Putty in my brother's pants.

Alan: So, what's your next move?
Charlie: Well, you'd think if Chrissy had my child and decided not to tell me, I'd just send her a little card. You know, "Thanks for being a good sport" or something.
Alan: I'm not sure Hallmark has a "Deadbeat Dad" section.

Alan: [handing the telephone to Charlie] Mom wants to ask you something.
Charlie: [taking the telephone, cheerfully says] Hi, Mom, *no*!
[hangs up]

Charlie: Yeah, we're done. Now we're gonna get your father back on his feet.
Jake: How?
Charlie: Well... Would you like to go see a bunch of naked boobs?
Jake: [excited] Sure!
Alan: [shocked] Charlie!
Jake: [scene cuts to a sauna full of fat, sweaty men] This was a dirty trick, Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: [slowly making his way down the steps] Never again! Never, ever, ever again!
Berta: You gonna quit drinking?
Charlie: Don't be ridiculous! I'm gonna quit waking up.

Dr. Linda Freeman: [Charlie seeking help on his constipation] Look, Charlie. You obviously still have feelings for Mia and yet you're committed to Chelsea. It's an emotional conflict and until you resolve that conflict you're going to be physically blocked.
Charlie: English, please.
Dr. Linda Freeman: As soon as you pick one, you can go two.
Charlie: What happens if I can't pick?
Dr. Linda Freeman: I don't know. C-section?

Alan: [when his receptionist keeps staring at him] Have I told you lately you are doing a great job? Because you are doing a great job! In fact, I'm gonna make you employee of the month!

Jake: [to Alan] So, what's a "booty call"?
Charlie: I figured you didn't want me telling him. Was I wrong?

Alan: Just like in high school.
Melissa: I never did this in high school.
Alan: Sex in a car? You're kinda built for it.

Berta: Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog! You want this broad lit up, or just slightly glowing?
Charlie: Well, let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goodwill towards all mankind. So, let's get her plowed!
Berta: Hallelujah!

Alan: [Taking a phone call] Can I have some privacy, please?
Charlie: Sure. Get your own place!

Alan: [Charlie has arranged a "play-date" for Jake] You're hitting on the mother, aren't you?
Charlie: Can't slip one past you, can I?
Alan: That's not what a play-date is for.
Charlie: What? The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.

Archie: Save the orphans! Woody Allen can't marry them all!

Charlie: [leaving message on Courtney's voicemail while stalking her house from his car] Hey, Courtney, it's Charlie. Your brother, heh-heh. Anyways, I wanna apologize for making a scene there in the restaurant. I'd still love to get together, so, give me a call. I'm just sitting at home, reading a book. And watching TV. Disney Channel. "101 Dalmatians". What a great film, huh? Oop, sat on the remote. Hey, "Apocalypse Now"! Another great movie, huh? Anyway, call me.

Alan: Well, you know what? It doesn't matter if I look cool. We judge a person by what's inside, not by what they wear.
Jake: Lucky for you, huh?

Charlie: [Driving in a dangerous neighborhood] Oh, my God! I think I hit a dog!
Berta: Don't worry, it's just a rat. He's okay, he's getting up.

Norman: Can I give you a little advice, kid?
Charlie: Sure.
Norman: I was a player once, like you.
Charlie: Do tell.
Norman: Does the name "Tuesday Weld" mean anything to you?
Charlie: No.
Norman: Joey Heatherton?
Norman: The immortal Miss Anne Francis? TV's Honey West?
Charlie: Sorry.
Norman: Well, look 'em up on your internet. They were all hot and I nailed 'em.
Charlie: Really? Well, kudos.
Norman: But nothing lasts forever. There's going to come a time when you'll want to settle down. I only hope you don't make the same mistake I did. I picked a young hottie 'cause I figured if I was gonna die, it'd be in the sack, with a smile on my face.
Charlie: That's my retirement plan.
Norman: But it doesn't work that way. What happens is... you get your heart broken, and you wind up having a coffee klatsch with some putz who never heard of Honey West.

Charlie: Hey, if I want your opinion, I'll ask your ex-wife.
Alan: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Well, if I want *your* opinion, I'll ask one of the dozens of women you have meaningless, casual sex with.

Charlie: I don't mind the talking and the listening, but what about the ears?
Alan: What about the ears?
Charlie: The ears never stop growing, and I like a nice, taut lobe.

Alan: This is not who I am.
Charlie: Yeah, but who you are couldn't get laid under water, with a tank full of oxygen.

Alan: [to Rose's father] You'll have to forgive my brother. He thinks with his penis, and his penis isn't very bright.

Charlie: [Trying to seduce Alan like he would a woman, so that Alan would agree to have dinner] So, where do you wanna go, baby?
Alan: That's, uh, that's very funny.
Charlie: No, no, no! Let's get something hot in you and then get something *hot* in you!
Alan: Knock it off!
Charlie: Gee, you smell good!
Alan: You know what? Okay, Okay. I'll just stay here and have a popsicle.
Charlie: Oh, you'll be getting the popsicle!
Alan: Fine! Fine! You pick the restaurant.

Evelyn: Alan darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.

Alan: When you're with a woman like Sherri, who's sooo gosh darn beautiful that you get excited just thinking about her... how do you... keep the sprinklers from going off while you're still mowing?

Alan: [On the phone with his dentist, who recently examined Kandi's teeth] Who told you to look at her wisdom teeth?
Charlie: That girl's got wisdom teeth?

Charlie: [Charlie's locks himself in the bathroom] There is no Bad Alan. I'm the one who stole the Silly-Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...
Alan: [starts pounding on the door, shouting] *Damn you to hell! Come out here and die like a man!*
Charlie: What do ya know? There is a Bad Alan.

Berta: Well, gadzooks! Zippy's getting his freak on!
Charlie: Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.
Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother. Who's the girl ?
Charlie: I don't know. He met her at the supermarket. Helped her pick out corn.
Berta: Corn ?
[Charlie shrugs]
Berta: Huh. Well, I'm not in any position to judge. I once did a guy for a tank of gas.

Alan: Listen, I... I need to ask you for a favor.
Charlie: [drunk] Your needs. Your needs. What about my needs?
Alan: Are you capable of having a conversation?
Charlie: Capable? I just spent twenty minutes discussing open-toed shoes with a fat man from Rangoon. He's a Rangooooooonian.
Alan: We'll talk in the morning.
Charlie: I wouldn't count on it.
Charlie: Go ahead, you talk. I'll cook.
Alan: It's 11:30. What are you cooking?
Charlie: Good question. And I can give you the answer in two words: my famous homemade chili.

Dorothy: You've turned into a very attractive young man.
Alan: Thank you!
Dorothy: Could've gone either way. Lucky you grew into those ears.

Alan: [Alan's take-out is wrong] I'm gonna call that restaurant and give them a piece of my mind!
Charlie: That's smart. Scream at the people who handle your food.

Alan: You're writing a report on The Taming Of The Shrew, not The Voyages Of Cap'n Crunch!
Jake: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
Alan: Okay... I'm not fooling around here...! You're gonna finish this DAMN BOOK and write the DAMN REPORT, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted AND ON FREAKIN' TIME!
Jake: I have my doubts, dad.

Evelyn: Do you trust me?
Alan: No!
Evelyn: Okay, but you know I have your best interest at heart. Don't you?
Alan: NO!

Charlie: [repeated line, when he senses trouble] Oh boy.

Charlie: What's your problem?
Jake: My problem is you're a sleazeball!
Charlie: Really. How so?
Alan: Oh, please. You're in a committed relationship with a wonderful woman and the minute her back is turned, you're out gallivanting.
Jake: Gallivanting?
Alan: Screwing around.
Jake: Why don't you just say screwing around?
Charlie: Hey! As we speak, Chelsea is out there doing the same thing.
Alan: Oh, really? She's pouring liquor down the throat of an inebriated party girl?
Jake: Inebriated?
Alan: Drunk.
Jake: Jeez! Who are you showing off for?

Mia: My dad called today. He wants to take your family out for a nice dinner.
Charlie: Yeah? Well, tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!
Mia: C'mon, Charlie. They're going to have to meet sooner or later.
Charlie: Okay. But why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?
Mia: What's happier than a wedding?
Charlie: My mother's funeral springs to mind. There'll be music, dancing, my mom will be in a box!

Charlie: You know, I just realized something.
Alan: That cough syrup and hard liquor don't mix?
Charlie: No, they're delightful.

Charlie: [about Jake] Well, how about that? The booger-eater grasped the symbolism!

[repeated line]
Berta: Hey, Skippy!

Charlie: Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse.
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!

Charlie: I can't believe it.
Jake: Believe what?
Charlie: I think I miss him.
Jake: Miss who?
Charlie: Your father.
Jake: Oh.
Charlie: What about you?
Jake: What about me, what?
Charlie: Do you miss him?
Jake: Who?
Charlie: Your father!
Jake: Why? Where is he?

Alan: Oh, Jake is smitten. I usually only see that look on his face when we go to the pancake house.

Charlie: [Alan is about to watch "The Bridges of Madison County" on TV] Hey! What are you doing up?
Alan: Watching a Clint Eastwood movie.
Charlie: [Minutes later] This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie.
Alan: Yes, it is.
Charlie: Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie.

Berta: I don't mind your girlfriends throwing an occasional thong or panties into the hamper, I just boil them and sell them at the swap meet. But this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature.
Charlie: Now, to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes.
Berta: Yeah? Well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass!
Charlie: All right! All right!
Berta: You know what she said to me, Charlie? She said I need to know my place around here.
Charlie: Oh, she didn't...
Berta: Ah, but she did. Is that true, Charlie? Do I need to know my place around here?
Charlie: No, Berta. We all know your place.
Berta: And where is that place, Charlie?
Charlie: Wherever you want it to be.
Berta: There is only room for one alpha dog in this house.
Charlie: I know.
Berta: And, who is that alpha dog, Charlie?
Charlie: You are.
Berta: Say it.
Charlie: You're the alpha dog.
Berta: Aw, you sweet talker, you.
[she kisses Charlie on the cheek, looks down and picks up her basket]
Berta: We'll just pretend that's morning wood.

Alan: Oh, come on! This can't be the first woman who had a nervous breakdown, lost her job and wound up taking her clothes off for horny strangers because of you!
Charlie: Of course not!

Alan: I would like to propose a toast. To Jake!
Dr. Herb Melnick: [Drunk] Ah, Jake's great!
Alan: And to Judith!
Dr. Herb Melnick: [Drunk] Absolutely! Judith's great, too!
Alan: And to your upcoming marriage!
Dr. Herb Melnick: [pause] Ah, sure. What the hell?

Charlie: [Charlie's family and Mia's family have just had dinner together] Your family hated me, didn't they?
Mia: Well... not *just* you.

Alan: So, you believe in the vengeful, Old-Testament Santa.

[Charlie has run into some financial trouble]
Charlie: I can't do this anymore. I quit.
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.

Charlie: Nice to see you... again.
Naomi: Yeah, I don't think we've met.
Charlie: Really?
Naomi: Really.
Charlie: [furiously to Alan] Are you trying to give me a stroke?
[shoves Alan]
Charlie: Is that what you're trying to do?

Charlie: What profit a man, if he escapes the iron shackles of matrimony only to surrender to the sexually-frustrated tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife?

Herb: She did teach me to play through the pain.
Alan: Yeah. Tape it up and get back in there!

Elvis: You know, Sean never speaks about his siblings.
Sean: Back off, Mary Poppins! You're workin' on my last nerve.

Alan: There is no one more sympathetic than I, to the plight of the large-breasted woman!

Charlie: Feelings are like your mother's breasts: you know where they are, but they're best left unfelt.

Charlie: Don't be silly. You're like family!
Berta: Yeah, well, I've seen how you treat family.

Charlie: You put single men and women on folding chairs in a church basement, they're gonna start mounting each other.

Teddy: [Charlie is sitting on the deck, instead of going to Las Vegas with Teddy] This is your other plans?
Charlie: Not all of them. Later, I'm gonna go inside and watch some girl-on-girl porn.
Teddy: Beautiful.

Berta: Hey, Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah.
Berta: When did you become a bitch?

Dr. Herb Melnick: The thing is, I'm... I'm just not sure I'm ready to be a stepfather.
Alan: Oh. Oh, sure you are! You'll be terrific! Right, Charlie?
Charlie: Trust us. As long as there's food in the fridge and money in your wallet, you'll own the little peckerhead.

Berta: So, which one of you is slipping the high, hard one to Martha Stewart?

Charlie: I'll be back in two shakes. Three, if it's cold in there.

Judith: What did he say to you?
Alan: Well, basically, he's worried that when he grows up, he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions, like he's a blind guy in a mine field!

Charlie: Gettin' hit in the face hurts, but you know what hurts more?
Jake: A kick in the crotch?
Charlie: [not the example he was going to use] Well, yeah, sure...
Jake: I took a soccer ball to the 'nads once, thought my eyes were gonna pop out.
Charlie: Yeah, but, but, but that, that pain passes. What hurts more, and lasts longer than anything, is the humiliation of running away.
Jake: Couldn't ride my bike for a week.
Alan: Ah, Jake, I think you're missing the point.
Jake: Makes ya wonder what they're doin' hangin' down there in the first place.

Berta: [describing Alan's receptionist, Melissa] Tinkerbell with some knockers.

Charlie: Well, Jake... Your Uncle Charlie is getting a vasectomy.
Jake: Oh... What's wrong with the car you have now?

Myra: [Charlie and Myra are about to have sex] I don't want to put any pressure on you, but... I'm a virgin.
Charlie: [incredulous] You are?
Myra: You've got to stop sleeping with dumb girls. It's starting to rub off on you.

Charlie: There's no pancakes, Rose.
Alan: Because Jake's not here.
Berta: 'Cause Charlie's an idiot.
Rose: Oh, why? I mean, why is Jake not here? Not why is Charlie an idiot.
Alan: Because we *know* that.

Berta: You can't blame him. You gotta figure that boinking Evelyn is like riding a bicycle over train tracks. You'll get where you're going, but you're gonna feel every bump.

Charlie: [Alan is looking at a photo of Charlie's old girlfriend, who is now a man] Just *look* at it.
Alan: Alright. She's cute... very tall... broad shoulders...
[suddenly screams, in realization]
Alan: Holy Mother of God!
Charlie: Welcome to the Matrix.

Jake: [driving the car, turns the radio on]
Alan: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Concentrate on the road!
Jake: What? You listen to the radio while you drive.
Alan: I'm an experienced driver.
Charlie: [from the back seat] You drive like an old woman!
Alan: An *experienced* old woman.

Alan: [while discussing Jake's punishment for mooning the girls' track team, Berta starts giggling] Berta...
Berta: Sorry, I'm just remembering my prom.
Alan: [to Jake] So, what happened?
Berta: Well, I was working near the high school that night, and I thought it would be fun to drive the backhoe...
Alan: Not you.
[Pointing to Jake]
Alan: Him.
Berta: Well. Excuse me for sharing.

Jake: [minutes after hearing glass break] I heard something break.
Charlie: And you're just coming out now?
Jake: I was establishing my alibi.

Chelsea: We need to find somebody for Sir Lancelot.
Charlie: Your cat?
Chelsea: Yeah. Doesn't he deserve some happiness?
Charlie: He can lick his own crotch! What else does he need?

Prudence: [sunbathing, tries to hand Alan suntan lotion] Can you put some of this on my back?
Alan: No!
Prudence: If you don't, I'll burn.
Alan: If I do, *I* will.

Jake: If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at?
Jake: I-Hop.
Charlie: [Chuckling] ... Tipping your waitress takes on a whole new meaning.

Alan: [hot woman with cute daughter Jake's age, talks to Charlie like they are old friends] She seems nice. Uh, who is she?
Charlie: I have no friggin' idea.
Jake: I'll tell you who she is... the grandmother of my children!

Charlie: [to Jake, after smoothing his hair down with spit] One man's saliva is another man's mousse, so shut up!

Alan: [mad at Charlie for not answering his phone when Alan was calling for help] I just have to accept the fact that I... I can't count on anyone. Least of all, an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only *cares* about what lies between the two!

Evelyn: You know what, Norman? You look a lot like my fifth husband.
Norman: Really? How many times you been married?
Evelyn: Four.

Evelyn: Ugh! What is that? Non-dairy creamer? Just take me to the Green Mile and be done with it.
Wes: It's all we got.
Evelyn: Oh, please! All these cops around, one of them can't make a Starbucks run?

[repeated line]
Charlie: That ship has sailed.

Shelly: Now, this picture here is toward the end of my labor. That's my vagina, and that's Melissa's little head pokin' out of me like a groundhog. Hey, I guess if she'd seen her shadow, I would've had six more weeks of labor, huh?

Isabella: You know, people like you have been persecuting people like me for thousands of years.
Alan: Hmm. Well, that's a bit hard to believe seeing as people like me have historically been victims and food.

Charlie: [defending himself for the time he mistook a man for a woman] I was drunk! He was tucked, taped, and gorgeous!

Charlie: I tried, Alan. I really tried.
Alan: Yes, you did. You gave it a whole...
[looks at watch]
Alan: ... hour and twenty minutes. Hey! Now Berta owes *me* five bucks!

Evelyn: I'm going to need something black.
Charlie: Doesn't your soul qualify?

Alan: [Charlie is injured and is only thinking about nailing his hot doctor] You're unbelievable! Does your penis have an off switch? Pause button?
Charlie: No. Just a little freckle.

Charlie: [Alan is upset with Charlie when Jake discovers porn on Charlie's computer] Look, it's not hard-core. It's mostly her and a couple of friends having a pajama party.
Jake: [confused] I didn't see pajamas.

[first lines]
Charlie: [singing] Joy to the world, I'm getting laid / I'm getting laid tonight / We'll light the Yule log, deck the halls / And then we'll play some jingle balls / It's been a long, long wait / It's just our second date / It's Christmas eve, and I'm getting laid.

Alan: [a hooker says, "Hi, Alan!". Evelyn burns him a look] Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with lipstick on his dipstick.

Alan: [to Charlie] Because, there's only two reasons you *ever* set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed, or cross-eyed, or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... Okay. I guess there's just one reason.

Charlie: [their mother just came to visit] So, Mom, to what do we owe this unexpected, uuh...
Evelyn: Pleasure?
Charlie: No, that's not it.
Evelyn: I was showing a house in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd visit people I love.
Alan: And they weren't home?

Evelyn: So I just naturally assumed that something had come up that was more important than your father's happiness.
Courtney: Well, Evelyn, you know what they say about assuming... when you assume, you're just a bitch.
Evelyn: Pardon, there are children present.
Jake: She means me, but I'm fine with it.

Charlie: What's going on?
Alan: [on the phone with Evelyn] Hang on.
Alan: [puts a hand over the phone] Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.
Charlie: [doesn't even think about it] Pull.
Alan: All right, Mom. Charlie's on board.

Charlie: Hey, Berta! How have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips, and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks!
Charlie: Yeah. Well, I thought maybe you'd changed laundry soap, 'cause it's all red and itchy, especially right around...
Alan: Excuse me! I'm sitting here, eating a breakfast sausage!
Charlie: It's not a sausage problem. It's more in the meatball area. Kinda meatball-adjacent.

Charlie: [to Jake] It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter.
[Jake looks at him with disdain]
Charlie: Wow, I *do* suck.

Berta: [about Charlie] You gotta wonder how long he can keep burning that penis at both ends.

Peggy: [while shopping for their mother's birthday gift, the sales clerk asks] Have you considered a nice perfume? Do you know her scent?
Alan: Oh. Actually, I don't.
Charlie: I do.
Alan: You do?
Charlie: Yep. Do you carry Chanel #666?

Jake: [from blooper reel] Uncle Charlie, you're a dick.

Judith: [to Alan, who was trying to pretend he wasn't home] Why were you hiding?
Charlie: Why does the wounded gazelle hide from the stealthy jaguar? Why does the helpless piglet hide from the ravenous wolverine?

Berta: [about her pregnant daughter] If she spent more time on her knees than her back, she wouldn't be in this situation.
Charlie: Not necessarily.

Charlie: Remember those songs I recorded last week?
Jake: Those songs sucked.
Charlie: Of course they sucked! They're kids' songs!

Alan: Oh, let's face it. We're both too old for the MTV lifestyle.
Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?

Jake: It's your fault I have bad grades.
Judith: Why is it *my* fault?
Jake: Oh, you know.

Charlie: The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass!

Alan: I want my forty dollars!
Charlie: I only borrowed thirty-eight.
Alan: Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.
Charlie: You like round numbers, do you?
Alan: Yeah! I... I like round numbers.
Charlie: Okay! Here's a round number for you: zero!
[makes a fist]
Charlie: Nice, tight, circular shape.
[makes a fist]
Charlie: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?
Alan: Are you calling me anal?
Charlie: That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.
Alan: Okay! Okay! Okay! So, so, bottom line: you're not gonna pay me back. Is that correct?
Charlie: Well, truth be told, I *was* gonna pay you back, but your attitude irks me.
Alan: I irk you?
Charlie: That's right. I find you irksome. You're a big fat *irk*!

Dr. Prajneep: [in the ER exam room] Maybe you'd prefer to wait outside.
Charlie: I'd prefer a morphine drip and a sponge bath, but the kid needs me.

Alan: [Whilst playing a bar-top, video gaming machine in Las Vegas, the machine starts beeping and Alan jumps with joy] Oh, yeah, baby! Twenty dead presidents! I'm *even*!

Mia: She wanted to give me a shower!
Charlie: A bridal shower?
Mia: An actual *soap and water* shower! I don't want her coming to the wedding!
Charlie: I don't want her in the same *zip code*!

Charlie: [talking about Vicki's daughter, Jodie, at the grocery store] Her birthday's coming up?
Vicki: This weekend she'll be six.
Charlie: Oh, what a magical age. Tell you what - how would Jodie like a free "Charlie Waffles" birthday concert?
Vicki: You would do that?
Charlie: Who loves kids?
Vicki: Charlie Waffles.
Charlie: Riiiiight. Call me.
Vicki: [reading Charlie's business card] Look, it's got a waffle on it! How adorable.
Charlie: [to Alan] Told you I had to pick something up.

Berta: [Berta and Charlie are watching Kandi applying sun lotion outside on the deck] Okay, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I travelled with the Grateful Dead, but golly, Moses! She's a muffin! Interesting turn of events, your brother hitting one of your hand-me-downs. And the way things are going, you couldn't get lucky if you painted your penis to look like money.
Charlie: Don't think I haven't tried.

Jake: [startled when Rose sneaks up on him] Are you crazy?
Rose: [nonchalantly] There are several different schools of thought on that.

Charlie: I may think with my penis, but at least I *think*!

Rose: Let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered. She's promiscuous, she's commitment phobic...
Charlie: Oh, my God! I'm dating myself! No wonder the sex is so good.

Charlie: [about their Mom] You can't show weakness, Alan, she'll sense it. Like the hooded cobra senses the rapid heartbeat of a panic-stricken kangaroo rat.
Alan: But, don't you feel even a little bit sorry for her?
Charlie: Does the mongoose feel sorry for the wounded garden snake? Does the dingo feel sorry for the slow-crawling Australian baby?

Alan: [Charlie wants Alan to go on a double date] Alright. Even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go on a blind double-date with *you*.
Charlie: Why not?
Alan: Summer of my junior year? The Seals & Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader and I got her sister... the Incredible Hulk!
Charlie: Oh, yeah. She really took a shine to you.
Alan: [imitating his date] "Sarah like puny Alan".

Charlie: [repeated line, whenever he's put in a sticky situation] Uuuuuoo.

Jake: So, when are you gonna be on TV?
Kandi: I have to pass the audition first. Let's not put the cart before the whores.
Alan: Horse.
Kandi: [clears throat] Maybe a little. I've been rehearsing all day.

Alan: I got you a little present. Your very own cell phone.
Jake: Oh, cool!
Alan: Now, the important thing to remember is that this is not a toy. It's to use in emergencies only.
Jake: Emergencies? What emergencies?
Charlie: [Pretending to use a cell phone] Dad, come get me! I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet!
Alan: That only happened once.
Charlie: If that drug-sniffing dog hadn't found you, you'd have missed Thanksgiving.

Elvis: [while writing down song lyrics based on Sean Penn's thoughts, Elvis Costello comes up with an excuse for what he's writing down] Shopping list. Just a shopping list.

Evelyn: Are you sure you don't want to stay and finish putting on your make-up?
Lydia: That's okay, I'm done. Would you like to borrow some?
Evelyn: No, thanks. I'm allergic to the drug store brands.

[last lines]
Judith: So, how was your weekend?
Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.

Charlie: [Charlie, Alan and Jake visit the sporting goods store to get Jake a jock strap, which he doesn't want] Think of it as a bra for your balls.
Jake: [sarcastically] Oh, *now* I want one!
Alan: What size are you?
Jake: How should I know?
Charlie: I think they have one of those measuring things. You know, like at the shoe store. Length, width...
Jake: [to his Dad, somewhat desperately] He's kidding, right?
Alan: Yes, he's joking.
[hands Jake the jock strap]
Alan: Here. "Teen".
Charlie: Think you can fit your junk into that?
Jake: I'll make it fit! Let's just go!
Charlie: No! No! No! Put it on over your pants! We'll take a look!
Jake: The heck you will!
Alan: Charlie, you're embarrassing him.
Charlie: Of course I am! That's why I came!

Evelyn: Jake, how many times do I have to tell you? Do not eat the cake until they cut it!
Jake: But, I'm hungry! What am I supposed to do?
Evelyn: Eat some cheese.
Jake: So, I can cut the cheese? Get it?

Charlie: Are you going home?
Berta: No, the opera. They can't finish until I sing.

Charlie: Wow. I get more tongue from my butcher.

Charlie: [on phone] Well, I'm not going to do it. What are you going to do, sue me? Really?
[to Alan]
Charlie: Can he sue me?
Alan: Did you sign a contract?
Charlie: [back on phone] What time is the concert?

Charlie: [Berta reaches for the ringing phone] If that's a bookie or a woman, you know what to say.
Berta: Harper residence... Sorry, he's dead...
[hangs up the phone]
Berta: Interesting. No one ever calls back to find out where to send flowers.
Jake: Touché!

Charlie: [in a couples counseling sessions] Chelsea, look. I know I'm not perfect.
Dr. Linda Freeman: [chuckles]
Charlie: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Dr. Linda Freeman: I'm sorry. That was probably unprofessional.

Jake: [telling Charlie a joke] There's two muffins sitting side-by-side in a muffin tin in the oven. One muffin says to the other, "Boy, it's hot in here!", and the other one says, "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"

Rose: Believe me, Alan. I understand how hurtful it is to be rejected by Charlie and I've found that the only way to get through it is to just love him more. That, and every so often, sneak into his bedroom and try on his underwear.

Alan: [discussing his upcoming colonoscopy] So, I'm really nervous about it.
Judith: [irritated] That's it?
Alan: Well, it's a long snakey thing with a camera!
Judith: Oh, please! Your son was ten pounds at birth and his head was the same size it is now!

Alan: Forget it. You are not driving my car until you get a learner's permit.
Jake: Not even in the driveway?
Alan: Not anywhere.
Jake: What if you have a heart attack. Can I drive you to the hospital?
Alan: No. Call an ambulance.
Jake: Fine. If they don't get here in time, can I have your car?

Naomi: Hi. Yeah, I think I have the wrong address.
Alan: Oh, you have the right address.
[loudly]
Alan: Charlie, it's for you!
Charlie: Who is it?
Alan: Karma.
Charlie: What?
Alan: Your chickens have come home to roost.
Charlie: Karma? Chicken? Alan, what the hell are you talking about?
[sees Naomi]
Charlie: Ewww...
[yelling to the back room]
Charlie: Charlie, it's for you!

Charlie: [tired of arguing with Jake] This conversation's over.
Jake: Not if I keep talking.

[repeated line]
Charlie: Get out.

[first lines]
Alan: [at Jake's school] I don't know what he did, Charlie. The teacher just called and told me to come get him.
Charlie: Well, I want it on the record. If the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.
Charlie: [Alan burns Charlie a 'look'] What? I said he didn't!

Mia: We may as well just go to Vegas and elope.
Charlie: Now there's an interesting concept. In Vegas, not only can we get married immediately, we can get drunk and gamble away our nest egg!
Mia: Don't forget the lap dances and hookers!
Charlie: Oh, you're gonna make a great wife!

Judith: We gotta go! Your parents will be waiting!
Herb: What do you care? They don't like you, anyway!

Alan: You're gonna be sorry!
Charlie: You're gonna be homeless!

Charlie: Relax. Something will turn up.
Alan: [Ill after suffering the side effects from the drug trial] I'm pretty sure something's already turned up. I think I just dropped a third testicle.

Charlie: How do you keep getting in? I've changed the locks three times!
Rose: Yes, but you didn't change the locksmith.

Dr. Linda Freeman: Look, Charlie. I've got my next patient waiting. If you like, we can make a weekly appointment and really explore these issues. In fact, twice a week might not be over-doing it.
Charlie: No, thanks. I prefer to deal with my demons as they escape.
Dr. Linda Freeman: All right.
Charlie: So, what do I owe you ?
Dr. Linda Freeman: Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for 5 minutes, so, why don't we just round it off and say $200.
Charlie: Man, even hookers pro-rate.
Dr. Linda Freeman: Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie.

Charlie: She still busting your chops about what Jake said? Look, blame it on me. Tell her I'm sorry.
Alan: She won't buy it.
Charlie: Sure she will. Women are suckers for a good apology. Just keep shoveling it on 'til roses start growing in it.
Alan: Poor Satan. He'll come for your soul and he'll leave empty-handed.

Lydia: I'll have the seared Ahi Tuna filet.
Stephan: Hmm. Good choice.
Lydia: I want it very rare.
Stephan: That's how we serve it.
Lydia: I want it red in the middle, not pink.
Stephan: Shall do.
Lydia: If it's pink, don't even bother bringing it.
Stephan: Got it.
Lydia: Just give it to someone who doesn't know what *rare* is.
Stephan: Of course.
Lydia: You know what? Forget it. You won't get it right.

Jake: [about a double date Jake arranged with Charlie, and the mother and daughter he met at the snack shoppe] Just don't clock-block me, okay?
Charlie: Clock-block you?
Jake: That's not it?
Charlie: No. That's not it.

Dr. Linda Freeman: Do you like puppets?
Jake: Not really.
Dr. Linda Freeman: [taking out the cow-puppet and changing her voice] Neither do I!

Sloane: [checking the crime scene, a.k.a. Charlie's bedroom, for semen with a special light] My... God!
Wes: It's like a Jackson Pollock painting!
Charlie: The ceiling fan is actually a cute story.

Charlie: Jake, you wanna go down to the arcade?
Jake: No.
Charlie: You wanna see a movie? I'll take you to something R-rated. You'll see a boob!
Jake: Go away!
Charlie: Are you mad at me?
Jake: What was your first clue?
Charlie: Well, frankly, your dismissive attitude toward boobs.
Jake: Why are you making us move?
Charlie: I'm not. Your father and I are trying to teach each other a lesson.
Jake: What's your lesson?
Charlie: That this is my house.
Jake: What's his lesson?
Charlie: That he lives here, too.
Jake: I'm just a kid, but even to me that sounds stupid!
Charlie: You wanna see a movie?
Jake: Is the boob offer still open?

Alan: This is so nice! A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us.
[Acts surprised as he enters the room]
Alan: Oh, my God! You guys!
Alan: [after seeing an empty table] There's nobody here.
Melissa: I don't understand it. I told them to be here an hour ago.
Alan: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes!
[Alan sees Charlie, Berta, Jake and Evelyn at the door, where they hear his comments]
Charlie: Surprise.

Jake: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. You know who told me that?
Alan: I can guess.
Jake: Uncle Charlie. You know why it's funny? 'Cause it's true!

Charlie: You keep rubbing up against me, I'll be able to catch my mother's garter without my hands.

Berta: She saw him for the mindless, meat-seeking missile that he is.

Jake: Shh! I'm trying to concentrate.
Charlie: Don't shush me. Never shush me!
Jake: Whatever.
Charlie: [Charlie starts holding his chest in pain, again] Please be the chicken.

Alan: Help me, Charlie! I wanna sing for no reason.

Jake: Man, I thought you were cool.
Charlie: You know what makes me cool? Not giving a crap about what you think!

Alan: [to Charlie] Listen. How much is a hooker?

Jake: [Charlie has been hired to write the theme song for the "Oshikuru" cartoon] So, I'll be like, the first kid in the world to hear this?
Charlie: Yep. Now, this is just a rough version, but you get an idea of the feel of it.
Jake: Okay!
Charlie: [begins to play piano, and sings to the tune of "Everyday" by Buddy Holly] "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oshikuru! Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oshikuru! My, oh, my! He's a demon samurai! Who's the guy who had to die? Oshikuru!".
Jake: Boy. That really blows.

Charlie: [to Evelyn] What could you possibly tell me about that would put me off? She's married? She's insane? She's a man?...
[to Gloria]
Charlie: You're not a man, are you?
Gloria: No.
Charlie: Then, we're good!

Teddy: Did I do something to tick you off? Y'know, aside from slipping it to your mother?

Charlie: You know the difference between you and me?
Alan: Yeah. I have a functioning liver, and somehow you're gonna get laid tonight.

[giving the cab driver directions to his mother's house in Beverly Hills]
Charlie: Just go east on Sunset until you reach the gates of Hell.

Charlie: What happened to my towels?
Chelsea: They didn't match my shower curtain.
Charlie: What's wrong with *my* shower curtain?
Chelsea: It didn't match your towels.
Charlie: Maybe that's how I tell them apart!

Charlie: [singing] Four call girls / Three French maids / Two drunk twins / And a lap dance in a pear tree.

Charlie: Hey, did you know that Mom's birthday was a couple of weeks ago?
Alan: Yeah. I sent her some flowers and a card.
Charlie: Ah, man! Would it have killed you to put my name on the card?
Alan: As a matter of fact, I did put your name on it. I... I wrote, "Love, your sons, Alan and Charlie".
Charlie: Damn.
Alan: What?
Charlie: She tricked me into thinking I forgot!