The Best The Colonel James Quotes

[the Colonel James is in jail after being arrested for cocaine possession and attempted statutory rape]
Colonel: They found something else.
Jack: What?
Colonel: Well... it's just... they're so cute when they're so young like that...
Jack: Ah, Jesus...

Young: [sobbing] This is TWICE in two days that a chick has OD'd on me!
Colonel: [rapidly] Well, do you think this means that maybe ya oughta think about getting some new shit? Whaddya ya think?
Young: [contritely] Yes, sir.
Colonel: Ah.

Colonel: I'm looking forward to seeing you in action. Jack says you've got a great big cock.
Eddie: Well, I don't know, I guess so.
Colonel: May I see it?
Eddie: Really?
Colonel: Please!
[stares as Eddie lowers his shorts]
Colonel: Thank you, Eddie!
Eddie: No problem.
[the Colonel continue to stare as Eddie walks away]

[the Colonel's lady friend is lying on the floor, bleeding from the nose]
Young: [wailing] I-I think she did too much coke.
Colonel: Oh, you think so, doctor?