The Best William Lichter Quotes

[after drinking his first beer and spitting it out]
William: Nobody drink the beer, the beer has gone bad!

William: You know what they say about women and trolley cars. There's plenty of 'em in the sea.

[drunk]
William: You... have to come with me. There's this chick... there's these two chicks... they're triplets, man. You're not going to believe what they're doing. Not because I made it up or anything but because it is so... unbelievable. Come on out to the pool house, 'cause they told me to tell you... they want you to watch. So, come out... the pool house, come on...
Mike: [interrupting him] I'm a loser. I broke up with the hottest girl in school, my friends all sold me out... and somebody in there just called me a fag!

William: [Discussing "The Plan" with the X-Philes] Okay, you're Boba Fett, and you're Grand Moff Tarkin.
X: How come he gets to be Boba Fett?
William: Ok, fine, *you're* Boba Fett, and *you're* Grand Moff Tarkin.
X: I don't want to be Grand Moff Tarkin!
William: All right, fine, you know what? You're both KISS dolls!

[drunk for the first time in his life]
William: I can't feel my legs, I HAVE NO LEGS!

William: [Rocking out to Guns N Roses] Wild Bill Rock and Roll!

William: You see the salt on this pretzel? Look at the stars. Some people, they say the stars are billions and billions of tons of hot gas. But I think maybe, maybe it's just God's salt. And God's just waiting to eat us.

William: Witness Exhibit A: My 8th Grade science project - a working rain forest. Mike Dexter threw it out a third story window. It rains here no more. Witness Exhibit B: An eye patch I wore for a month after Mike beaned me with a raisin in home ec. My parents took me to a 3D film. I saw no third dimension. And of course, how could I forget the pudding incident? I know no one else has. Well gentlemen, tonight, Mike Dexter will know humiliation. Tonight Mike Dexter will know ridicule. Tonight is the night we fight back. Tonight is our independence night.