The Best Mike Dexter Quotes

[drunk]
William: You... have to come with me. There's this chick... there's these two chicks... they're triplets, man. You're not going to believe what they're doing. Not because I made it up or anything but because it is so... unbelievable. Come on out to the pool house, 'cause they told me to tell you... they want you to watch. So, come out... the pool house, come on...
Mike: [interrupting him] I'm a loser. I broke up with the hottest girl in school, my friends all sold me out... and somebody in there just called me a fag!

Mike: [sits himself between two girls on a chair swing] Have I got some news for you.
Girl: Really? What's that?
Mike: That I, recently, became single.
Girl: And?
Mike: Well, I just remember Jeff Garner saying a little something about you girls thinking I was the hottest senior in school.
Girl: Yeah, heh, heh. And, I remember Jeff Garner saying that, uh, you told him we were skanky.
Mike: [nervously, realizing he's been caught] He told you that?
[Girl #2 nods her head]
Mike: [shows him now sitting alone on the chair swing] Okay! See you later!

Trip: [as he approaches a sulking Mike with a six-pack in hand] Hey man, you want a beer?
Mike: Trip McNeely!
Trip: Trip McNeely.
Mike: No way, man!
Trip: Trip McNeely.
Mike: Trip McNeely! Geez. You were a sexual icon! You know girls at Huntington still talk about you?
Trip: Really? Which ones?
Mike: You must be racking up at college. College!
Trip: I wish, bro. I can't even get digits as a freshman.
Mike: Shut up! Come on, you can tell me.
Trip: Seriously, man. I thought college was gonna be a 24-7 orgy. Hell, that's even why I broke up with Janeen before I left.
Mike: [after an uneasy pause] S-so, what happened?
Trip: [sighs] College chicks are totally different, bro. They're all serious and shit. They all talk about world issues and "ecolomological" crap. They all wanna date older guys.
[Tosses an empty beer can aside]
Mike: Yeah, but... not all of 'em, right?
Trip: Way it goes. Hell, I even tried crawling back to Janeen. She was all cozy with some senior. He's a pre-med. They ALL are. Guys like us... we are a dime a dozen.
[Belches and then chuckles]
Trip: Speaking of which, you still with that Amanda chick? She was a prize piece if I ever saw one.
Mike: [Lying to Trip] Yeah,
[Scoffs]
Mike: me and Amanda. Definitely. Yep.
Trip: You're lucky, bro.
Mike: I sure am.
Trip: Stay with her. It's the best advice I can give you.
[Farts]
Trip: Oh, that, and bring rubber flip-flops in the shower. I got warts all over my feet.
[Leaves]
Mike: [With a discouraged tone] Take it easy, Trip! Trip McNeely! All right...

Mike: Who's gonna want you now?
Amanda: [Looking at her letter] Somebody.
Mike: Somebody? More like... nobody!
Amanda: Gosh, Mike. You really got me.

Mike: I'll kick everyone's ass in this room!