The Best Alice Ghostley Quotes

Naomi: Look who's talking, Mr. Suave. Who wears his socks to bed.
Emil: I only do that so I won't get my feet dirty from the sheets.

Bernice: I don't think this safe sex is what it's cracked up to be. My husband and I weren't that happy and we always had safe sex. I mean we had it in bed... and I was usually asleep. I don't think you can get any safer than that.

[Their Yuletide Homes design has been stolen]
Bernice: Well, I think we should get some bricks and some baseball bats and go over there and teach them the TRUE meaning of Christmas.

Mrs. Salinger: Now I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, but if these boys hadn't been doing what they do, they wouldn't be getting what's coming to them now.
Mary: Imogene, gays aren't the only ones getting it.
Mrs. Salinger: No, but they're the ones who started it.
Kendall: Actually, nobody knows how it got started. Gays are just one of the first groups it showed up in.
Mrs. Salinger: Yes, and for a good reason. You reap what you sow. And you boys brought this on yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, this disease has one thing going for it. It's killing all the right people!
Julia: Imogene, I'm terribly sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car.
Mrs. Salinger: Why?
Julia: Because you're leaving.
[pulling her towards the door]
Mrs. Salinger: What are you talking about?
Julia: I'm talking about the only thing worse than all these people who never had any morals before AIDS, are all you holier-than-thou types who think you're exempt from getting it.
Mrs. Salinger: Well, for your information, I am exempt. I haven't lived like these people. And I don't care what you say, Julia Sugarbaker. I believe this is God's punishment for what they've done.
Suzanne: Oh, yeah?
[standing up from chair]
Suzanne: Then how come lesbians get it less?
Mrs. Salinger: That is not for me to say. I just know that these people
[pointing to Kendall]
Mrs. Salinger: are getting what they deserve!
Julia: [Raising her voice] Imogene, get serious! Who do you think you're talking to? I've known you for 27 years and all I can say is, if God was giving out sexually-transmitted diseases to people as a punishment for sinning, then you would be at the free clinic all the time.
[Imogene gasps]
Julia: And so would the rest of us!
Bernice: [standing up] I think she makes a good point.
Mrs. Salinger: Oh, who cares what you think? You're not even all there!
[tapping her head]
Bernice: [sighs] Well, as long as we're on the subject,
[pointing at her chest]
Bernice: neither are you!
Mrs. Salinger: Well, Julia. You needn't look forward to any more of my business in this lifetime!
[turning towards door grabbing coat]
Julia: Wonderful!
[opening door]
Julia: I'll close up your account! And another thing, my son has an "A" in chemistry. In fact, he's making all A's in everything - including P.E!
[slams door shut]

Miss: There's a maniac lives there and he's dangerous... I was standing in my yard one day when his Mama come out yelling, 'He's killin' us all.' Turned out that Boo was sitting in the living room cutting up the paper for his scrapbook, and when his daddy come by, he reached over with his scissors, stabbed him in his leg, pulled them out, and went right on cutting the paper. They wanted to send him to an asylum, but his daddy said no Radley was going to any asylum. So they locked him up in the basement of the courthouse till he nearly died of the damp, and his daddy brought him back home. There he is to this day, sittin' over there with his scissors... Lord knows what he's doin' or thinkin'.

Bernice: Are you gonna get lip implants?
Julia: No Bernice...
Bernice: Breast augmentation?
Julia: No Bernice.

Naomi: [holding a gun to 99's head] Keep your voice down, honey and don't yell for your husband. You might as well know, we're KAOS.
Emil: You're holding a gun on her and I'm taking pictures of secret documents. Who else would she think we were, Sonny and Cher?

Bernice: I get it... No ticket no laundry.

Naomi: I can't get over how many locks you have on your door.
99: Oh well, Max leaves me alone a lot and he likes to think that I'm safe.
Naomi: Oh well, you're lucky to have a husband who cares. When Emil goes out, he leaves the key on top of the mat.