The Best Bernice Clifton Quotes

Bernice: I get it... No ticket no laundry.

Bernice: Are you gonna get lip implants?
Julia: No Bernice...
Bernice: Breast augmentation?
Julia: No Bernice.

Bernice: I don't think this safe sex is what it's cracked up to be. My husband and I weren't that happy and we always had safe sex. I mean we had it in bed... and I was usually asleep. I don't think you can get any safer than that.

[Their Yuletide Homes design has been stolen]
Bernice: Well, I think we should get some bricks and some baseball bats and go over there and teach them the TRUE meaning of Christmas.

Mrs. Salinger: Now I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, but if these boys hadn't been doing what they do, they wouldn't be getting what's coming to them now.
Mary: Imogene, gays aren't the only ones getting it.
Mrs. Salinger: No, but they're the ones who started it.
Kendall: Actually, nobody knows how it got started. Gays are just one of the first groups it showed up in.
Mrs. Salinger: Yes, and for a good reason. You reap what you sow. And you boys brought this on yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, this disease has one thing going for it. It's killing all the right people!
Julia: Imogene, I'm terribly sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car.
Mrs. Salinger: Why?
Julia: Because you're leaving.
[pulling her towards the door]
Mrs. Salinger: What are you talking about?
Julia: I'm talking about the only thing worse than all these people who never had any morals before AIDS, are all you holier-than-thou types who think you're exempt from getting it.
Mrs. Salinger: Well, for your information, I am exempt. I haven't lived like these people. And I don't care what you say, Julia Sugarbaker. I believe this is God's punishment for what they've done.
Suzanne: Oh, yeah?
[standing up from chair]
Suzanne: Then how come lesbians get it less?
Mrs. Salinger: That is not for me to say. I just know that these people
[pointing to Kendall]
Mrs. Salinger: are getting what they deserve!
Julia: [Raising her voice] Imogene, get serious! Who do you think you're talking to? I've known you for 27 years and all I can say is, if God was giving out sexually-transmitted diseases to people as a punishment for sinning, then you would be at the free clinic all the time.
[Imogene gasps]
Julia: And so would the rest of us!
Bernice: [standing up] I think she makes a good point.
Mrs. Salinger: Oh, who cares what you think? You're not even all there!
[tapping her head]
Bernice: [sighs] Well, as long as we're on the subject,
[pointing at her chest]
Bernice: neither are you!
Mrs. Salinger: Well, Julia. You needn't look forward to any more of my business in this lifetime!
[turning towards door grabbing coat]
Julia: Wonderful!
[opening door]
Julia: I'll close up your account! And another thing, my son has an "A" in chemistry. In fact, he's making all A's in everything - including P.E!
[slams door shut]