30 Best Mary Jo Shively Quotes

Mrs. Salinger: Now I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, but if these boys hadn't been doing what they do, they wouldn't be getting what's coming to them now.
Mary: Imogene, gays aren't the only ones getting it.
Mrs. Salinger: No, but they're the ones who started it.
Kendall: Actually, nobody knows how it got started. Gays are just one of the first groups it showed up in.
Mrs. Salinger: Yes, and for a good reason. You reap what you sow. And you boys brought this on yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, this disease has one thing going for it. It's killing all the right people!
Julia: Imogene, I'm terribly sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car.
Mrs. Salinger: Why?
Julia: Because you're leaving.
[pulling her towards the door]
Mrs. Salinger: What are you talking about?
Julia: I'm talking about the only thing worse than all these people who never had any morals before AIDS, are all you holier-than-thou types who think you're exempt from getting it.
Mrs. Salinger: Well, for your information, I am exempt. I haven't lived like these people. And I don't care what you say, Julia Sugarbaker. I believe this is God's punishment for what they've done.
Suzanne: Oh, yeah?
[standing up from chair]
Suzanne: Then how come lesbians get it less?
Mrs. Salinger: That is not for me to say. I just know that these people
[pointing to Kendall]
Mrs. Salinger: are getting what they deserve!
Julia: [Raising her voice] Imogene, get serious! Who do you think you're talking to? I've known you for 27 years and all I can say is, if God was giving out sexually-transmitted diseases to people as a punishment for sinning, then you would be at the free clinic all the time.
[Imogene gasps]
Julia: And so would the rest of us!
Bernice: [standing up] I think she makes a good point.
Mrs. Salinger: Oh, who cares what you think? You're not even all there!
[tapping her head]
Bernice: [sighs] Well, as long as we're on the subject,
[pointing at her chest]
Bernice: neither are you!
Mrs. Salinger: Well, Julia. You needn't look forward to any more of my business in this lifetime!
[turning towards door grabbing coat]
Julia: Wonderful!
[opening door]
Julia: I'll close up your account! And another thing, my son has an "A" in chemistry. In fact, he's making all A's in everything - including P.E!
[slams door shut]

Suzanne: Julia! Why, you look awful! What happened to you?
Julia: [stumbling down the stares from her hangover] I look awful because I feel awful. And I feel awful because last night Reese Watson and I drank all the champagne in Georgia. Then, we got married.
Mary: You got what?
Julia: Married. You know,husband and wife, bride and groom, *BALL* and *CHAIN*!

Carolyn: [At a PTA debate] So why bring that kind of garbage
[referring to condoms]
Carolyn: into the public school system?
Mary: Because that garbage helps prevent AIDS. I am certainly in favor of abstinence, but i don't believe that it's realistic. To think...
Carolyn: [Interrupting Mary Jo] Oh, let's quit kidding around, shall we? What you are actually saying Mrs, Shively, is that if your 15-year-old daughter is determined to have sex,
[Anthony and Kendall come in the door]
Carolyn: then you won't mind her going to a dance with a boy who has a condom in his wallet, paid for by your tax dollars. Isn't that correct?
Anthony: We had finished a little early. We thought we'd come by and give her a little moral support.
Mary: What i am saying is, that i have a dear, sweet, funny friend, 24 years old, not very much older than the kids that we're talking about here and he came to me this week and asked me to help plan his funeral because he is dying, from AIDS. Something that he got before he even knew what it was or how to prevent it. I've been think a lot about his mother this week, and what she might give for the opportunity that i have tonight. That we all still have here tonight, because now we know how to help prevent AIDS. And I think that it really shouldn't matter what your personal views are about birth control, because, you see, we're not just talking about preventing births anymore. We're talking about preventing deaths. 25,000 Americans have died and we're still debating. Well, for me, this debate is over. More important than what any civic leader or PTA or board of education thinks about teenagers having sex or any immoral act that my daughter or your son might engage in, is the bottom line that I don't think they should have to die for it. Thank you.

Charlene: I can't think of reasons to quit I have to think of reasons to succeed.
Julia: You're not quitting. You're choosing not to pursue this particular line of endeavor.
Mary: Julia, that sounds an awful lot like quitting.

Suzanne: What is this 'Littlest Angels' stuff, anyway?
Mary: It's the name of a training bra, Suzanne. I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that.
Suzanne: A training bra? You little people have to train yours and you call us dumb?

Mary: We think that your friend, Monette might be practicing the oldest profession.
Charlene: You think that Monette is a carpenter?

Davida: Now please excuse me
[to Julia and Mary Jo]
Davida: I just had to stop in here to get heavier ankle weights.
Mary: [sotto voce to Anthony] I was wondering what was preventing her from tipping over
[due to Davida's large breasts]

Suzanne: Well, I just had breakfast at the country club and it's all everyone is talking about. They want to know if we're gonna change the name "Sugarbaker's" to "Bonnie and Clydes."
Mary: Well, I hope you told them it's all just a big mistake, the child in question is in juvenile hall, and Julia has not been charged with anything.
Suzanne: No. I just said that it was her time of the month and her hormones had made her insane.

Suzanne: [leaning her chin in towards Julia] Julia, do you see anything else there?
Julia: No Suzanne, I don't.
Suzanne: Good. Cause if I get another one, I'm just gonna have to get a gun and shoot myself through the head.
Mary: Why don't you shoot yourself in the chin? Maybe that way you'll hit the root.
Suzanne: I'm glad you all find this so amusing.
Charlene: Oh c'mon, Suzanne. Don't you think you're being just a little bit shallow?
Suzanne: No I do not Charlene. I don't think it is shallow not to want to go through life wearing a goatee.

Mary: You know, Allison kind of reminds you of an elf; a mean, vicious little elf.

Mary: [the ladies discuss Ursula taking their men's attention] Well, I don't know if we could compete with her even if we wanted to.
Suzanne: Speak for yourself.
Mary: Suzanne, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I saw her bra hanging on the towel rack in the bathroom.
Suzanne: So?
Mary: So you are not top dog anymore.
Suzanne: How do you know?
Mary: Because -- I can get my whole head in one side of hers.
Charlene: Mary Jo! You put her bra on your head?
Mary: I couldn't help it! You know how that fascinates me. Suzanne's cup fits me like a beanie, but Ursula's covered my whole face.
Suzanne: Well, Mary Jo. This just helps to point out the main problem that you people have that I've been talking about. You are not competitive! I mean, here you have this gorgeous girl who gets up at 5:30, cooks your boyfriend's breakfast, then goes jogging with him. And what do you do? You're in the bathroom trying her brassiere on your head! I mean, you're as impressed with her as he is!

Mary: What the heck is that stuff?
Suzanne: It's rice cakes. I started my diet last night.
Mary: You put jelly on them?
Suzanne: Yes. Do you have a problem with that?
Mary: You've been on a diet for 12 hours, and already you're this cranky?
Suzanne: Yes. As a matter of fact, after work, I'll probably be crashing my car into a Taco Bell. What's it to you?
Mary: Nothing. I just hate it when you're on a diet.
Suzanne: Yeah, that's because you're little and tiny and cute. You never have to eat stuff like rice cakes. I oughta just cram this down your throat.

Charlene: [after Julia kicks Imogene out] Well, she finally got fired up.
Julia: Was that what you had in mind, Mary Jo?
Mary: Not bad.
Julia: i guess you just have to find something that inspires you.

Charlene: [as Mary Jo and Julia walk in front door of Sugarbaker's] Hey, y'all, were were just talking about you. How was career day?
Mary: Great. There was a big tune out.
[Going over to her desk]
Mary: Julia gave a super talk. I think Anthony was very proud. As a matter of fact, it would have been an almost perfect morning if it wasn't for this one ugly little incident in the parking lot.
Charlene: [Getting up from chair] What ugly incident?
Mary: Oh, it's nothing. Just a couple of hoods got after Julia.
Suzanne: Well, that doesn't surprise me. Hoods love Julia. It's that little sashay in her walk.

Julia: [On the phone with Charlene] Hello, Charlene. I just wanted to thank you again for turning me into the judge. Now, the whole jury is sequestered till Lord only knows when, and I am here in Motel Hell, sharing a room with a women with no lips.
Charlene: Julia, I had to do it. We violated that law. By the way, I don't think you're supposed to be making telephone calls. I'd hate to have to report this, too.
Julia: If you are so all fire, heaped up about turning people in, I believe you'll find some overdue library books in my upstairs den. Why don't you just report that too, and maybe you'll get your merit badge, you big 'ole donkey girl scout!
Charlene: Now Julia, you sound overwrought.
Julia: Yeah, well you're going to think overwrought. If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter because of this you're gonna pay and I mean pay big! I'm gonna find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm talkin' about you runnin' around in the woods in the snow with bloodhounds rippin' your clothes off! And remember Charlene, I have your address. You'll be wise to ask yourself do I know where my baby is!
Charlene: [Julia has hung up] Julia! Julia?
[Hanging up the phone]
Charlene: Oh my gosh, she threatened Olivia.
Mary: What did she say?
Charlene: She said she's gonna hunt me down and hire bloodhounds to rip my clothes off. Now I, I- I thought the judge was just gonna give her a warning, I didn't know she'd be shut up in a motel room. Now Suzanne, you know Julia, I mean when this is all over she'll realize I had to do it and, and- and forgive me, dontcha think?
Suzanne: I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell outta town.

Tyrone: [Tyrone watches as Julia frosts Anthony's birthday cake] Man, this is a good looking cake.
Julia: We're gonna have to make one for your birthday. What kind do you like?
Tyrone: I don't know. I've never had a birthday cake.
Charlene: You haven't...?
Tyrone: Naw, but that's ok. I really don't like cake anyway.
Mary: So, Tyrone, what'd you get Anthony?
Tyrone: Some socks. If I'd had the money I could have gotten something from my uncle. He's in merchandising.
Mary: Oh? Where?
Tyrone: Everywhere. Mostly gas stations. He sells jewelry, stuffed animals, air fresheners. When I get my first paycheck I'm gonna buy all you guys ankle bracelets with you names and birthstones on 'em.
Julia: Aww, that's so sweet, Tyrone. We want you to save your money.
Tyrone: Why? It's just green paper with dead presidents on it.
Mary: Kinda has your philosophy, doesn't he Suzanne.

Mary: Well, that's a fine thing to see first thing in the morning: "The Return of Rusty," or "Nightmare on Crack Street, Part Two!"

Julia: I don't like to brag, but I've turned a few heads in my time.
Mary: Well, you didn't do it with those. No offense.

Suzanne: Well, I just can't believe she's keepin us waiting so long. I mean, I have better things to do with my time than sitting around waiting for some concubine to fall outta bed. I mean, I could be home watching Green Acres.
Mary: Suzanne...
Suzanne: WHAT?
Mary: I think it's time for you to suck on some more sugarless candy.

Mary: Julia, If I could just be more like you. I mean, you can always think of just a million things right of the top of your head and it is always articulate and wonderful. I need you to show me how you do what you do.
Julia: Well, I'm not sure exactly what that is.
Suzanne: Oh get serious, Julia! They don't call you the Terminator for nothing.

Suzanne: [Mary Jo is about to junk her dating tips book] Now wait a minute. That book's guaranteed. I think if it doesn't work, they are supposed to give you your money back.
Mary: Oh, they're going to return my money? How about a refund on my pride and self-respect?
Suzanne: No, those are gone for good.

Julia: Mary Jo, what on Earth is the matter now?
[as Mary Jo's tossing on top bunk in which Julia is on bottom]
Mary: It's this stupid dress of Suzanne's. This is so typical. It's just like her to hand this by my bed so it won't get wrinkled in the closet and I'm so little it won't bother me. She does this kinda thing to me all the time.
Julia: Why don't you just take it down?
[Mary Jo picks up Suzanne's bathing suit]
Mary: Actually, this fascinates me. These bra cups are huge. It's kinda like this is the corral where Suzanne keeps her bosoms and I'm the hired hand who guards them while she's taking them out on a midnight ride.

Mary: Anthony, where have you been all morning?
Anthony: The question should be, "Where have I been all night?" I'll tell you where I've been. I was locked in the basement of Suzanne's house!
Allison: Oh, were you locked in there? I thought I heard something.
Anthony: Did it sound anything like someone shouting "Let me out of here, bitch!"?

Mary: I think we can all agree that Dan Hedgecock has every good quality in the book. There's just one little, tiny thing that's a matter with him.
Suzanne: That he's blind.
Mary: No, that he wants to go out with you.
Suzanne: I'm sorry, but I can't go out with every man that asks me. If I did there'd be a backed up waiting list from about 1972.

Mary: [indicating her trial breast implants] These things are *power*!

Mary: I'd sure love to come into this office some morning and not hear a conversation that sounds like Rod Serling had a hand in it.

Julia: [Suzanne enters the shop, obviously distraught] Something wrong, Suzanne?
Suzanne: Yes, something is wrong. I'm driving down the street this morning, the sun is shining, I'm young, I'm beautiful. I look in the rearview mirror and what do I see? There is a hair growing out of my chin. I mean, have you ever in all your life? I simply could not believe my eyes. Here I am, hardly 30 years old, and there's this hair sticking out right here. It's unbelievable. Obviously, I'm being punished for some heinous sin, like telling Kyle Westheimer's parents that he is, in fact, a bisexual. But all I know is, whatever it is, I did not merit this.
Mary: You told some guy's parents that he's a bisexual?
Suzanne: That's right. I always tell the parents. And I'm not sorry either. I don't believe in bisexuals. I figure the rest of us have to choose, so why shouldn't they?

Mary: You know what you are, Mr. Winchester? You're a rapist!

Charlene: I hope this next nanny is better. I don't know; I guess what I'm hoping is that Julie Andrews will just land on top of my roof with her umbrella. I just love her. I mean Mary Poppins and Maria Von Trapp. She'd be perfect, wouldn't she?
Mary: You know, when you think about it, Mary Poppins wasn't all that great of a nanny, you know? Stuffing the kids up chimneys and making them dance around on roofs? Today she'd probably be arrested for child endangerment, and Dick Van Dyke with her.

Charlene: What's the matter?
Kendall: Nothing, you just surprised me, taking my hand.
Charlene: You mean because...
Kendall: Yeah. In the hospital even some of the nurses refused to come in my room.
Julia: [sees Imogene overhearing] Imogene, why don't you take that book over to the counter, hun? I'll be over in just a sec to write up the order.
Mary: I can't believe that, I mean if *hospital* people are gonna act that way, how can they expect the public to behave any better?
Kendall: What I want to know is how'd you guys get so smart?
Mary: Well, we read.
Suzanne: And I went to see Julia's and my family doctor, and he told me that you can't get AIDS from touching anybody, you can only get it from sex, blood products and shared needles.
Mary: I mean it just stands to reason if AIDS was airborne, that somebody would've gotten it that way by now.