Top 800 Quotes From Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Miles: Thanks to your union holiday we're already behind schedule.
Sabrina: Well, we'll get started in a minute. Just as soon as I talk to Vladimir about our big scene. Alone.
[drags the vampire off]
Morgan: What big scene?
Miles: The vampire kills you within the first five minutes of the movie.
Sabrina: Oh, obviously you haven't read the rewrite!
[out the door]
Valerie: You still stuck on that whole us winning thing?
Sabrina: Come on. It's not so bad. I mean, the only difference between us and them is they're talented.
Harvey: Makes you wonder if Hitler was actually a good painter.
Vesta: You see they actually enjoy living on Earth and I can't stand mortals for too long.
Sabrina: You know I'm half mortal?
Vesta: Oh! Not that there's anything wrong with that, darling. It's just that, well, mortals seem to have to work so hard for everything. It tends to make them bitter.
Libby: Well, if it isn't the Electric Freak Orchestra. And by the way, the cheerleaders have a band, and we're gonna win.
Valerie: She doesn't know that.
Libby: Yes, I do. Cheerleaders always win. And geeks always lose. I believe they call that the natural order.
Sabrina: I do not want to lose to Libby. We have to get good, and we have to get good soon.
Valerie: We're not good?
Jill: Some foreign exchange students are sitting at our table.
Libby: Deport them.
Roxie: Is it possible you still have feelings for Harvey?
Sabrina: [vehemently denying] No, not possible. It was a slip of the tongue. You know, tongues get slippery. They... they're like a water slide for words.
Mrs. Quick: I've been wondering, do you think it's such a good idea to have the students work during lunch?
Principal: No. I don't think it's a good idea. I think it's a brilliant idea. And if Einstein had had these kind of money-saving ideas, he could have afforded a haircut.
Mrs. Quick: Okay, I was just wondering.
Sabrina: Couldn't we just order everyone something from a catalogue?
Hilda: Oh, and this is Salem's oldest and dearest friend, Newt.
Newt: Oldest and dearest friend my tail. You know it's Salem's fault that I'm a salamander in the first place.
Zelda: Newt was into Salem's scheme for world domination.
Hilda: Way into it.
Newt: Yeah, he promised me Denmark.
Salem: What do ya think? A red Lamborgini. This has to impress my ex-girlfriend Shelly.
Hilda: Sure! Now all you have to do is lose the paws, the whiskers and the fur.
Salem: Hey, so what if I'm a cat? This car says I've got it going on!
Dr. Brickman: I think we should use something more medically sound.
Sabrina: A lollipop? Okay, it's second-opinion time.
Zelda: No, it's a magical lollipop. Anyone who sucks on it will instantly become a sucker who will believe anything we tell them. It's a highly regarded scientific procedure.
Morgan: Sabrina, we said that we were gonna spend tonight cleaning out the closets and getting rid of junk. And by that, I mean Roxie's clothes.
Roxie: [to Morgan] If we dumped half your makeup, we'd have room for an ice-skating rink.
Clive: [after Sabrina's heartfelt speech about not judging people by their appearances] I like you. When you're angry, you jiggle.
Roxie: Let's face it, the holidays are a letdown. Always have been.
Morgan: Not for me! Christmas as a kid was so much fun.
[dreamily: ]
Morgan: Skating by the pond.
Sabrina: Sipping mulled cider by the fire.
Roxie: Watching Dad passed out on the couch.
Sabrina: Too much eggnog?
Roxie: No, Mom decked him.
Zelda: Libby insults you because she's jealous.
Sabrina: I don't think so. Is there a spell that can make dogs howl every time she opens her mouth?
Zelda: You have to be careful how you treat people. Even rotten people. You might regret it one day.
Wicked: I don't like fast food!
Sabrina: I just wanted to get some breakfast.
Zelda: There, have some porridge.
Sabrina: Thanks. Ugh! It's cold!
Zelda: I'm sorry, Goldilocks, the kitchen is closed.
Zelda: Sabrina, we have a question, Mr. Pool spoke of your natural gifts and we were wondering are they truly natural or supernatural?
Sabrina: You mean did I use my magic?
Hilda: Bare in mind. We're not accusing, we're just asking.
Sabrina: Well, I did.
Hilda: How could you!
Zelda: What were you thinking?
Sabrina: I thought you wanted me to use my magic more?
Zelda: We do but not when you compete against mortal's, then your magic gives you an unfair advantage.
Hilda: That's why I've been practicing so hard. I wanna win first chair not because I'm a witch but because I have talent.
Sabrina: But I don't have talent. In fact I stink at sports.
Zelda: Well, have you tried something easy like badminton?
Sabrina: [glaring at her] Look, are you saying I can't do this?
Zelda: We're saying let you conscience be your guide.
Hilda: Use your moral compass, or you can borrow mine. Here try it.
Sabrina: [as Sabrina holds it, the arrow points to 'Wrong'] How accurate is this?
Principal: So, what you're saying is that this "Westbridge town meeting" will actually encourage the students to express their opinions?
Mrs. Quick: Exactly.
Principal: Mm-hm. Oh, why don't we just let the students run the school? That'll make for some high SATs.
Harvey: Boston really seems to have blown your cousins minds.
Sabrina: Yeah, they're not as grown up as they think they are.
Sabrina: I'd love to undo it, but... If you can undo this, I can undo that.
Zelda: We can't undo that. There's no undoing a no-can-undo. It's a triple negative. It's magically ungrammatical.
Sabrina: But are we all aware that he did not fix my hair?
Zelda: And now aren't you glad you're grounded?
Sabrina: No matter what we're labelled Libby will always be Libby and I will always be me.
Hilda: You had to become a geek to figure that out?
Sabrina: Well, it's actually rather complex. I just put it in layman's terms for you.
Zelda: I have to do that all the time.
Sabrina: [transformed as a nerd] Hi, Mr. Pool! Let's talk Philip K. Dick!
Sabrina: You know, I have to agree with Roxie. I... I could never feel comfortable with Josh if I had to carry around this big dark secret. You know, I mean, how many secrets can one girl handle?
Roxie: [looks at Sabrina askew] What other secrets are you carrying around?
Sabrina: Long story.
Zelda: So how goes it with diaper dan?
Hilda: Well, it's more challenging than building the Panama Canal, but then, less malaria.
Carol: You know, Sabrina, we've all been out of the box.
Sabrina: Really?
Dr. Rafkin: The problem is, you're still only inches tall and real easy to step on.
Ralphie: I spent two weeks in a vacuum cleaner once. Ate a penny to stay alive.
Quizmaster: Turning yourself into fire, water and wind is one of the hardest things a witch has to learn.
Salem: For me, it was learning when to say no to pie.
Libby: Hey, Cee Cee, nice uniform. What does the 'W' stand for? Where's my brain?
Salem: You know I always get depressed this time of year.
Hilda: Why?
Salem: Well, for one thing, I'M A CAT!
Sabrina: [smoky explosion in kitchen] Amanda, is that you?
Amanda: [emerging from smoke cloud] Yeah. You know, I've been so bored, I thought I'd come by and hang out with someone cool.
Sabrina: Oh, well, I'm kinda busy right now.
Amanda: Actually, uh, I was talking about Salem. Hey, little buddy.
[goes over to greet him]
Salem: [coughing] This place is smokier than the bathroom in an all-girls school.
Sabrina: Yeah, what's with the flashy entrance? I mean, you may think coming in here in smoke looks cool, but it's a disgusting habit.
Amanda: Ugh, yeah, remind me to start listening again when the PSA is over.
Sabrina: You're right, I'm not your mother. I shouldn't tell you what to do. Oh,put your hair back.
[tries adjusting her niece's hairstyle]
Sabrina: Why hide such a beautiful face?
[Amanda wards her off]
Valerie: So I'm a little concerned about my newfound confidence. It seems to be limited to getting me more Tater Tots.
Sabrina: [about the Washing Machine engineer, who has a tail] He can't stay! He has a tail!
Salem: What's wrong with having a tail?
Sabrina: [repeated line throughout series] Whoo-hoo!
[whenever something good happens]
Sabrina: Salem, There are five bottles here.
Salem: That's very good, Sabrina. Now, what colour is the tablecloth?
Sabrina: No. I brewed six. Where's the last bottle of talent?
Jennifer: Libby doesn't care what group she's in. As long as she can exclude people, she's happy.
Sabrina: Hey, guys, listen, uh, my aunt's gonna stay a few days, if it's okay with you.
Morgan: Oh, it'll be great. You can never have enough adult supervision. And I can say that with a big smile because I have a room on a whole different floor. See you!
[goes off]
Roxie: Well, I guess you did have me at your house for Christmas, and, as my Uncle Louie the Lip says, it's time to pay the piper.
Hilda: Look, Salem, I'm tenderising the beef with my mace. It's a deadly weapon and a handy kitchen tool.
Salem: Oh, please, we've all seen the infomercial.
Zelda: We have a problem. Our niece Sabrina has a case of egotitis.
Bob: Yeah, that's not your only problem.
Hilda: It isn't?
Bob: No, you've got one sorry-looking Christmas tree.
Amanda: [smoky explosion] Hey, wanna join me for an emergency trip to Paris for silver hooped earrings?
Sabrina: [waving smoke away] Uh, no, thanks, it already feels like a French bistro in here. Besides, I'm working on an article.
Amanda: Ugh. Snooze.
Salem: Actually not, for a change. You see, this thug night-club owner threatened our little Lois Lame over here...
[Sabrina: ]
Salem: Oh, I hate it when you cut me off!
Harvey: I brought our Social Studies project.
Sabrina: Great, did you get much done?
Harvey: Yeah. I bought the poster board.
Sabrina: [Sabrina has returned home to find a morbidly obese Salem lying on her bed] Salem, what happened to you?
Salem: [about Hilda's pampering and overindulging him] The good life. La dolche vita, baby!
Sabrina: I'm surprised that the good life doesn't come in the low fat version.
Salem: I think *I* carry it well.
Sabrina: [about Salem's weight gain] I don't think you can carry it out of this room.
Sabrina: Did you guys have a good time?
Hilda: I have no sister.
Zelda: No one talk to me.
Salem: This is a girl who has trouble getting to school on time, and she's supposed to deliver millions of presents by tomorrow morning? Am I the only one who sees a problem?
Zelda: You know, Salem, that's an excellent point.
Salem: That's an excellent point. That's an excellent point. That is the last time I point out the flaw in someone's logic.
Sabrina: [trying to solve a clue] 'M' plus fire? I've got it! Mfire!
Salem: Right! Mfire! That makes so much sense. Let's use it in a sentence.
[sarcastically]
Salem: Run! Run! The house is on mfire.
Sabrina: I've got a better one. You're mfired!
Salem: You can't mfire me! I mquit!
Salem: [re Sabrina's new curvaceous figure] If you're here, who's co-hosting the Country Music Awards?
Roxie: [enters, with Morgan following] Sabrina, can we...?
[sees that red dress and ample figure]
Roxie: Wow! What's up with this get-up?
Sabrina: Oh, well, uh, Roxie, I would expect you of all people to know. I have adopted this outrageous look to make a statement about society's unreasonable expectations of female beauty.
Morgan: Oh, she's telling women to be prettier.
Roxie: No, Morgan, it's a feminist protest. Way to go, sister,
[really getting into it]
Roxie: Burn your bra!
Sabrina: [looking down wryly at her enhanced cleavage] Yeah, well, if I did, you could see the smoke in Baltimore.
Hilda: Zeldy, do what you want but, er, my female intuition tells me you still like this guy and if that's true you shouldn't let age get in the way. You're as young as you feel. I'm six hundred and twelve, do I look it?
Salem: [playing with a tassel on a cushion] Don't you toy with me you saucy minx!
Salem: What do you say you and I go cruise for chicks?
Davy: *No*.
Shelley: You wanna talk? You have changed.
Salem: You could say that.
Sabrina: I never knew a pickle could be used as a light bulb.
Gordie: Oh, it's super-versatile.
Cupid: Who's he?
Principal: I am someone who has the decency not to wear a diaper in front of a lady.
Salem: But why did the cat have to suffer?
Sabrina: Great. Why can't Gordie's parents have a couples-therapy weekend when I'm not grounded?
Harvey: Hey, did you hear about Gordie's party? I bet the cops will be there before 10.
Sabrina: I can't go.
Harvey: You have to go. You'll have nothing in common with the entire student body if you don't go. I mean, I'll still like you, but I don't think we'll have anything to talk about.
Salem: Anybody hungry? I know a decent restaurant around the corner-- The Delhi Lama.
Zelda: [referring to Amanda] I hope she wasn't too much trouble.
Stewardess: I'm retiring.
Zelda: Welcome home, sunshine! How was your day?
Sabrina: Here's a quick recap: There was boredom followed by dullness with a dash of echh!
Libby: Hi, I'm Libby.
Chad: Hi, I'm Chad.
Libby: Saw you dancing out there. You're really good.
Chad: Oh, well, I'm also a daredevil and a rock musician.
Libby: Really? What instrument do you play?
Chad: Well, uh, lead guitar.
Harvey: [Scoffs] Lead guitar.
Sabrina: Hey, Harvey, don't you play an instrument?
Harvey: Yeah! The bassoon.
Sabrina: Wow! The bassoon. I think that's really sexy.
Libby: Maybe to another bassoon.
Libby: [Sabrina is rehearsing with Libby and the other cheerleaders] Okay, let's do it again. Sabrina, if you insist on actually doing the cheers, you have to stop screaming "Please, let me die!"
Salem: As long as you drop everything and stay focused on me, I should be fine.
The: The Witches' Council insists you reside in only one household.
Sabrina: Why?
The: Check Article 12, Section 15.
Sabrina: Because you say so?
Miles: I need you to summarize your being in four words or less.
Hot: Not. Interested. In. You.
Libby: Harvey, you were at the Senior Center. You didn't see me there right?
Harvey: Libby, you did a good thing. Deal with it.
Libby: I've been framed.
Drell: Hilda! What's with your hair?
Hilda: My new boyfriend likes it this way.
Drell: Oh, your new boyfriend. What's his name?
Hilda: ...Um!
Drell: Oh, well, I hope you and '... Um!' are very happy.
Sabrina: It's an interesting theory, Jenny but I don't think there's a force field around this table.
Jennifer: Then why isn't anyone signing up to adopt a Grandparent?
Sabrina: Do you think it's clear that these adoptions are not legally binding?
Jennifer: It looks like I'm going to the dance.
Sabrina: Who with?
Jennifer: Me! Dates are just societies way of keeping numbers even, I'm going to represent all things that are odd.
Sabrina: And I'm sure that's exactly how people will see it.
Zelda: Sabrina, when you have egotitis, you can't get any presents.
Hilda: Receiving gifts only makes it worse.
Sabrina: This better be gone by my birthday.
Sabrina: [re Morgan as Chick Chat guest] This is a train wreck waiting to happen.
Mrs. Popowski: Wow, two whole quarters. Won't have to sweat the rent this month.
Zelda: You left him outside? You know he's a house pet.
Sabrina: He'll be fine. Salem's the only cat in town that can call a cab.
Sabrina: Being a witch is so much more fun when you can tell your friends.
Valerie: You're so lucky. The only secret I have is that I'm allergic to watermelon. Well, that's out.
Hilda: Love is special, love is alive. Send me Cupid for 5.95. You look awful.
Zelda: Hilda, it's his busy time of year.
Cupid: Oh, that's not it. I was just left at the altar. My fiancée ran off with a policeman. She never could resist a man in clothes.
Sabrina: You know the point was to teach Libby that it's what's inside that counts but I just forgot that inside she's just a manipulative, conniving dictator.
Valerie: Gordy, are you even aware that there's a dance on Friday?
Salem: I'll pick you up at 8. What kind of flowers do you like?
Valerie: Surprise me!
Salem: That means roses.
Young: [pretty blonde] I always pay my rent in advance, and love to cook and clean. Uh, oh, and my father, he owns a chain of women's shoe stores.
Morgan: Oh, I have met Mr. Right, and she is a woman. When can you move in?
Roxie: What she means is, we'll be in touch.
Young: Did I mention my brother is a fireman?
Roxie: [unimpressed] Swell. You can go now.
[waves her off coolly, and the girl rises, leaves]
Morgan: I'll call you.
[to: ]
Morgan: What is your problem? She's perfect.
Roxie: Let's just say she's no Sabrina.
Morgan: Yeah, no Sabrina is why we're here. If we don't find a roommate, we are gonna be living on the street. Oh, maybe we could time-share a dumpster.
Roxie: I'm sorry, but no one's ever gonna compare to Sabrina.
Mr. Eugene Pool: It's a tough room, Gordie. Believe me, I know.
Sabrina: [trying to fix a broken radio]
[hits it and it starts working]
Sabrina: It works! And they say violence doesn't solve anything.
Drell: As you know, rules are rules.
Sabrina: [as Miles prepares cereal] Miles, what are you doing? I made us waffles and bacon and eggs.
Miles: Do you have any idea where bacon and eggs come from?
Sabrina: Pigs and chicken butts?
Miles: Government subsidized farms. They're fed chemicals and hormones. It's not natural. I'm sorry, Sabrina, but my body is my temple.
Sabrina: So you're filling it with sacred Sugar Bombs?
Miles: They turn the milk purple.
Sabrina: Morgan, come on, we're leaving.
Morgan: First of all, I'm not even talking to you. And second of all, everything has to be booked through my manager. And third of all, my manager isn't talking to you either.
Mr. Eugene Pool: Now we'll begin with some breathing exercises designed to help you locate your chi, and no that's not something you left in your locker. Ha ha. Er no, chi is inner strength, so everybody breath in. And out.
Harvey: [to Sabrina] Wow, this is easier than badminton.
[Sabrina glares up at him]
Harvey: Not that badminton's easy.
Edward: I thought you were in court today?
Gail: Oh, I was until Drell disintegrated the judge, so we adjourned for the weekend.
Valerie: But I gotta warn you, I haven't had much luck with jobs. When I was a camp counsellor, they fired me after two days.
Sabrina: They didn't give you a chance. They didn't even get to know you.
Valerie: Yeah. And they eventually found those kids.
Zelda: I take it the audition didn't go well.
Hilda: Gustav got first, I got second.
Zelda: I'm so sorry. Should I notify the weather service?
Guy: Gordie, you're the coolest.
Libby: Unbelievable.
Harvey: [to Sabrina, when they in the Wicked Witch's pot] Y'know in her defence, the peach pie was good.
Sabrina: [talking to herself] Why couldn't I have just gotten a circus with some cotton candy and the occasional rampaging elephant?
Roxie: Sabrina, what's going on?
Sabrina: Oh, Harvey's still in love with me.
Roxie: That's fantastic!
Sabrina: What? No, it's not!
Roxie: Yes, it is. This kind of gossip will keep Morgan distracted for hours.
[goes off]
Roxie: Come on, walk and talk.
Sabrina: [following her down stairs] Roxie, this is a serious problem.
Sabrina: It's totally my fault. I'm completely to blame. And there might have been something weird in the punch.
The: You've stated your case eloquently. No.
Sabrina: Why?
The: Miss Spellman, you explained how you got your quizmaster fired, but you never explained why you need him back.
Sabrina: Oh. Well, did I mention the punch?
Sabrina: So where's my present?
Salem: It's more of a promise than a present.
Sabrina: No present?
Salem: Wait, you'll like it. I promise to appreciate you and respect your privacy.
Sabrina: From now on?
Salem: Er, no, for like a week.
Sabrina: That's it?
Salem: Okay, 10 days but that's my final offer.
Sabrina: Deal!
Sabrina: [re the models] Please, what do they have that I don't?
Miles: Ten feet of legs.
Hilda: When in Limbo, you have to limbo.
Hilda: Did you sleep alright?
Sabrina: I slept fine. The only problem was I woke up here.
Libby: Hey, Gordie, why don't you come up with a scientific explanation for why you're such a loser?
Sabrina: What am I gonna do?
Salem: Do what you always do. Go crying to your aunties to bail you out. "Boo hoo hoo. Help me, aunties."
[laughs - then Sabrina zaps his skateboard and he zooms off out the door]
Sabrina: [regarding misfits Miles and Heather] How perfect are they together?
Roxie: [critical] It's like someone took Ken and Barbie and dunked them in the freak machine.
Sabrina: I don't believe this. You have a talking dog? I have a talking cat.
Doug: Really? Don't pets make the best of friends? I mean you get total loyalty, unconditional love...
Sabrina: [interrupting] You've never had a cat, have you?
Nana: An awkward silence, it's like we really are family.
Sabrina: Look, Libby, I thought you might need a friend.
Libby: Why, because all my other friends dumped me? Don't they realise that geeks have needs and wants and feelings? If you trip us do we not fall? If you prick us do we not scream and pass out?
Sabrina: And what did that teach you?
Libby: To hate cheerleaders.
Sabrina: No. It teaches you that it's what's inside that counts.
Sabrina: [in restaurant] A word of warning, the service here is really slow.
Stan: [waiter instantly there for pretty Tina] I'm sorry, Miss. Uh, would you like a table? A menu?
Tina: Just a cup of coffee to go.
Sabrina: Uh, can I get a glass of water?
[is ignored]
Stan: [to Tina] I'll grind the beans myself.
[rushes off to the kitchen]
Sabrina: [calling after departing waiter] Or anything heavy to throw at you.
Marigold: You know if either one of you ever has a honeymoon you really must take it in the south of France. On second thoughts don't wait, I wouldn't want you to miss out.
Hilda: Excuse me, I'm in no hurry to get married.
Zelda: That's right. Hilda is single completely by choice because she refuses to settle for any of the losers she's been dating.
Hilda: Oh, what's this?
Daphne: Oh, this is a magic mirror that shows you at your best.
Hilda: [reading] "The make-over mirror. It's a nice reflection on you."
Daphne: Try it.
Hilda: I'm ravishing. I have to have it.
Daphne: Oh, here, buy two. One for each of you.
Zelda: No. Hilda, you can't buy self-esteem.
Hilda: Yes, I can, and it's on sale.
Sabrina: Mrs. Popowski, there's a mistake on my nametag. My name is Sabrina, not Salinas.
Mrs. Popowski: Live with it.
Valerie: Yeah, and my name is Valerie, not Fred.
Mrs. Popowski: When I said problems, I meant things like: My hand is caught in the meatball maker.
Hilda: This will make you believe in love again. What can you say about a 25-year-old girl who died?
Cupid: Good riddance.
Sabrina: Just gather round the jack-o-lantern and remember, the true meaning of Halloween is inside you. Right Salem?
Salem: There's a pound of candy corn inside me.
[Sabrina exits the church and sees Harvey waiting outside by his motorbike]
Sabrina: Harvey?
Harvey: [holds up his half of the Soul Stone] I'm not really sure what this is, but something tells me I'll find the answer here.
Sabrina: [smiling] I think I've just found mine.
[Sabrina runs over to Harvey and they kiss]
Sabrina: A cat show? I can't see you in a cat show.
Salem: Don't you think I'm pretty?
Sabrina: Of course.
Salem: Then get an application. This is our chance for a quick score.
Sabrina: All right. Okay, name, Salem Spellman.
Salem: May I remind you I'm your cat, not your pet. I have my own last name.
Sabrina: You do?
Salem: Saberhagen. Salem Saberhagen.
Sabrina: And what breed are you?
Salem: American Shorthair. And darn proud of it. Write that down. The judges will eat that up.
Sabrina: Even if I knew what I wanted to wear, I couldn't pick it out of this mess. - It's full of kibble crumbs.
Salem: Brush them in a pile. I'll eat them later.
Gail: I'm very busy exploring the profit potential of Drell suing himself.
Sabrina: [as Morgan goes off with Josh] Some other time.
[to: ]
Sabrina: You know, you have stinky timing.
Zelda: [to Hilda] Your room is decorated with stuff a clown takes out of his pockets at night.
Sabrina: Hey, guys, what's going on?
Morgan: We're clearing out of here. Grab all you can carry.
Roxie: It turns out it wasn't you. The whole house is possessed.
Miles: And unlike scantily-dressed teenagers in slasher movies, we know when to leave.
Jennifer: Libby, I just wanted to say that I think you handled your defeat very gracefully.
Libby: Oh, bite me!
Quizmaster: Concentrate. You are no longer a physical being. You are a fluid entity. You are water.
Sabrina: Hey, I did it.
Quizmaster: Yes, you did. And it only took you four weeks.
Salem: Am I the only one thinking we should have purchased some rubber sheets?
Hilda: Here's some chicken soup. It's good for you.
Zelda: No, dear. It's for your finger.
Amanda: I'm from the fourth galaxy of the Other Realm. Where are you from?
Valerie: I'm from a big castle in never-never land.
Amanda: You're delusional.
Sabrina: You really put things in perspective.
Brady: That's the key. Now get back to the real world, and remember, life is a team sport.
[to himself]
Brady: Life is a team sport? How stupid does that sound?
Sabrina: Okay, I've talked to my dad, and I've thought about it. And I guess I believe I'm a witch.
Hilda: Good. 'Cause you are.
Salem: Let's face it. Classical music isn't the gravy train it used to be.
Zelda: It's not like the golden age. Vienna in the 1700s. In those days there were more orchestras than consumption wards.
Salem: And you were never ostracized for eating a dead rat in public.
Roxie: [hunting Miles] That sexy little scamp thinks he can climb out the window? Well, I've got a window too!
Salem: No guy wants his girlfriend hanging around with her ex. Trust me, I know these things. I'm a man, turn into a cat, turn into a clown. Oh, kill me now.
Sabrina: Having magic and being a witch is great and all, but I can't live without seeing my mother.
Salem: Sabrina, where are you?
Sabrina: [as a cat] Next to you. In a cage.
Salem: Salem, this is awful. If I can't point, I can't turn myself back. What was that?
Salem: What?
Sabrina: There's something in here with me.
Salem: What?
Sabrina: Oh, it's just my tail.
Dr. Brickman: First of all, get back to where the spell originally took place. Then put these in their ears and turn it counterclockwise. It'll erase their memory of the spell.
Sabrina: And what will erase my memory of having to do that?
Valerie: I put my idea for a town meeting on Mrs. Quick's desk.
Sabrina: Oh, no. The person you want to read it will actually read it?
Valerie: So you see what an awful situation it is.
Sabrina: Valerie, you're the only person I know that has to work up to low self-esteem.
Valerie: I know. The other day I saw this book called How to Be Confident, and I almost bought it. But I was afraid the cashier would make fun of me.
Morgan: To be on-stage with Strum,
[scoffs]
Morgan: I'd give up anything, including my dignity.
Sabrina: Well, you gave that up when you appeared in Girls Gone Wild 8.
Drell: Now the football injury and the class elections have no global consequences. You can mess with your pimply, pubescent, peers all you want. Alchemy, however, could collapse the world economy and wreak havoc on MY T-bills. Now are you gonna fix this or... should I give Salem a little, blonde kitty friend?
Sabrina: No, I can fix it. I mean, I just have to erase the knowledge, right? I don't have to destroy Mr. Pool.
Drell: You've got a day. That's 23 hours to solve the problem and one hour to shop for a scratching post. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Merlin: Why don't you stay a while?
Zelda: How long a while?
Merlin: Until you love me again.
Hilda: How about if I love you?
Salem: Or me? I can be quite tender.
Principal: [Sabrina looks into Kraft's dream about counting peas] The Jolly Green Giant is a cruel taskmaster!
Sabrina: Mr. Kraft is a deeply disturbed man. Cool!
Zelda: [about Willard Kraft] Why is he allowed to live?
Hilda: Where are all your clever spy gadgets?
Warren: Well, check out this baby.
Hilda: A tooth-pick!
Warren: A poisoned tooth-pick.
Hilda: Perfect! Especially if Doctor Cyclops just had corn-on-the-cob.
Hilda: The party's over. Sabrina's coming home.
Vesta: You know the rules around here. Now that Sabrina's at the pleasuredome, she can do whatever she wants.
Zelda: [Scoffs] So that's your plan!
Vesta: Please. I don't plan. I scheme.
Mr. Eugene Pool: [his tattered old briefcase bursting open strewing papers all over the floor] What a mess!
Sabrina: It's just a bunch of papers.
Mr. Eugene Pool: No, my life!
Salem: [re Sabrina's new figure, as she totters out the room] Oh, she's got what the man wants.
Sabrina: You know that love between two people is stronger than any legal document.
Gail: Yes, but as a lawyer I'm not supposed to admit it.
Sabrina: Tomorrow at work I'm gonna have to do more damage control than Mariah Carey's publicist.
Morgan: Why? What's going on?
Sabrina: Well, here's the thing. I... said something to my coworkers, and now they think I'm all Girl, Interrupted.
Libby: [Sabrina enters the bathroom, Libby, at the mirror, turns round to face her] May we help you?
Sabrina: I just wanted to wash my hands. You know, frog juice.
Libby: Hmm.
[makes room]
Libby: You know... if you stink, I'm not sure it's fair to blame the frog.
Sabrina: Well, at least I don't splash on aftershave to remind me of some boy who dumped me last summer.
Libby: How'd you know that?
Sabrina: [wonders herself, turns] I... I... I don't know, my incredible sense of smell told me?
[wonders]
Libby: Huh. Yeah, right.
Sabrina: Well, I better get going. Smell ya later!
Libby: Wait... Don't come in here again. From now on, you use the freaks' bathroom.
[turns to face mirror again]
Libby: [Sabrina gestures at Libby, which enacts a spell and makes Libby's hand cover her face in lipstick]
[Sabrina exits door #3]
Sabrina: [very excited] I did it! I passed! It *is* true love!
[Sabrina and Zelda embrace]
Zelda: [pleased] Oh Sabrina! That's wonderful!
Sabrina: [very happy] I have to admit, I had my doubts but now I CAN SHOUT IT TO THE WORLD I HAVE A TRUE LOVE!
Drell: [lying on the sofa, downcast] Don't rub it in.
[Drell offers the glass box Harvey is in]
Drell: [downcast] Take your frog and go.
Sabrina: [takes the glass box] But I passed! Why's Harvey still a frog?
Zelda: There's one final detail: To change him back, you have to return to the scene of the kiss and kiss him again.
Sabrina: [rather disgusted] I have to kiss a *frog*? That is so gross!
Zelda: [typically] Teenagers. They'll jump through flames, but ask them to kiss a frog...
Drell: [annoyed] Would you go?
Zelda: [to Sabrina] Come on.
Sabrina: Wait. Where's Aunt Hilda?
Zelda: [whispers] Shhh. Don't ask.
[Zelda and Sabrina leave. Meanwhile, Hilda is sharing a deckchair with Zak in the Second True Love test by a swimming pool with a number of desserts and is eating a Pecan Pie]
Hilda: [very impressed] Hmm. Zak, this Pecan Pie is fabulous! Even better than the Cheesecake! Is that Meringue?
[Zak gladly offers Hilda the Meringue]
Zelda: He just needs to remember his childhood dreams. You know what? I am going out and get him a copy of 'What color is your parachute'
Hilda: Oh what a sweet idea.
[Zelda leaves]
Hilda: [to Sabrina] It will never work. You'd better use magic.
Hilda: Who's up for charades?
Zelda: I am, as long as I'm not on Hilda's team.
Edward: Same here.
Sabrina: Look, I made us a... "first day of college, life doesn't get any better than this" breakfast.
Roxie: [woken up in the morning] Look, Old MacDonald, I worked very hard to make sure my first class isn't until three. Good day and good night.
Sabrina: That's funny, because I totally had you pegged for a morning person.
Haley: Hi. You must be Amanda. Are you a new student here?
Amanda: [scoffs] I hope not.
Haley: You're negative. I used to be negative. Now I just wanna make a good impression and have people like me for the positive, uplifting person that I am.
Amanda: [unimpressed, gets up] Good luck with that.
Haley: Thanks.
[clock chimes]
Haley: Time for class. Are you sitting in?
Amanda: Wouldn't miss it.
Haley: Great. You can sit right next to me. The seat is always empty.
[goes off]
Amanda: [sarcastically] What a shock.
Zoe: What kinda job are you looking for?
Sabrina: Ah, just something to keep me busy on Friday nights.
Zoe: Yeah, I don't have a boyfriend either.
Salem: Zelda, you'll never guess who called. I'll give you a hint. Shelly.
Zelda: Shelly? Your ex-girlfriend? The one who left you?
Salem: She didn't leave me! She just needed some time by herself.
Zelda: 2 decades?
Salem: 3, but and I repeat but by the sound of her voice, I'd say she has crawling back on her mind.
Zelda: I see. Did you happen to mention that you're a cat now?
Salem: Is it that noticeable?
Salem: Push, push. Push! Push! I knew those Lamaze classes would pay off.
Zelda: There.
Hilda: We have the makings of a beautiful fire hazard.
Zelda: What do you think?
Salem: That's what a mortal tree looks like? No wonder they drink during the holidays.
Dr. Rafkin: I was wondering, could we go out some time?
Carol: Oh, I'd love to, if I weren't so sick of you.
Sabrina: There's nothing worse than when your parents call you up-tight.
Libby: [to Sabrina] You went to Science Club! That is too perfect. You're a geek in freaks clothing.
Zelda: No-no-no!
Sabrina: But it's my belly button!
Zelda: U-hu! It's our belly button. You can have it back when you turn 18.
Hilda: Don't tell me, she still wants to hang keys off her navel? Sabrina, even I think that's gross.
Sabrina: I still wanna do it.
Hilda: You'll regret it. I had to wait 2 centuries to have the Cromwell Rules tattoo removed from my shoulder.
Zelda: That's not where it was.
Hilda: Be quiet!
Zelda: The point is these things go in and out of style. You have to remember you're built for the long haul.
[standing in front of a mirror, Sabrina magically changes into a white dress with wings and turns to the camera]
Sabrina: [holding a baby with a set of wings, a quiver with red heart arrows and sash] Happy Valentine's Day. Watch out for Cupid.
Mrs. Scott: [haughty pure-bred cat owner] You know, you might want to do something with your little alley cat. His coat does look a little dull.
[causing Salem to hiss at her]
Principal: My ex-wife is behind this. I just know it.
Zelda: Didn't you like the Pleasure-dome?
Sabrina: It was okay, but the truth is without 'can'ts' and 'don'ts' it's hard to know where the fun is.
[last lines]
Miles: [outclassed by Sabrina's impromptu ballet performance] I'm gonna hang up my tights. Actually, Roxie's tights.
Salem: Just spooked a bread truck. The street is full of buns.
Sabrina: You are so weird!
Salem: [nodding] It helps break up the day.
Sabrina: Roxie, we have to consider the ramifications. These girls could get thrown out of school. And their parents may never talk to them again. And then what's gonna happen to the kids? I mean, you saw Girl, Interrupted. Murder, mayhem, major box office disappointment.
Roxie: I'm sure there's a valid point in there somewhere.
Roxie: [testing public address system] Testing, check, check, check.
[loud feedback]
Roxie: That's why we check.
Zelda: [doing yoga] Now stretch and focus. Can you feel the blood rushing to your brain?
Sabrina: No, but I feel my lunch making a move.
Aaron: [after Sabrina's slip] Harvey? You love... Harvey?
Sabrina: No, not Harvey. Aaron! You.
Shirley: Well, you said Harvey.
Roxie: You did.
Morgan: Yup.
Bob: She did.
Harvey: [joyously] I know!
Zelda: So everyone's fine? Everyone?
Sabrina: You know you can ask about Gordie if you want.
Zelda: Well, did he say anything about me? I m-I-I mean Zellary?
Sabrina: Yeah! As a matter of fact he did.
Zelda: Really! What?
Sabrina: Let me make sure I get every word exactly right. He said 'Tell her I want my scarf back.'
Salem: I'm gonna be tossed out into the snow on my nicely rounded buttocks.
Chad: I like Libby.
Sabrina: You like Libby?
Chad: Sorry, I guess I'm starting to go bad.
Zelda: [to Sabrina] Follow your heart.
Valerie: Bye, Libby.
Libby: I just ate.
Salem: Attica! Attica! Attica!
Zelda: Please, I'm trying to concentrate on a new escape plan.
Salem: Well, why don't you try coming up with some decorating ideas for this cell, because we're never leaving?
Hilda: I've got it, the perfect escape plan. It's so simple. I can't believe I haven't thought of it before.
Zelda: What is it?
Hilda: You marry Merlin.
Zelda: What do you think about painting these bars Navajo White?
Edward: Sabrina, open me up.
Sabrina: No.
Edward: We have to talk. Young lady, you open me up this instant!
Sabrina: No, I don't want to talk to a book. Oh, god, I'm talking to a book.
Sabrina: Josh got a job offer in Prague, and he's actually gonna take it.
Morgan: Oh, I'm sorry, Sabrina. If it's any consolation, some of my best relationships have been long-distance. No petty fights, and you save a fortune on waxing.
[big smile]
Sabrina: [false lead turns out to be a parrot] Put a cracker in it!
Sabrina: Harvey, listen, that woman out there is wicked.
Harvey: You wouldn't say that if you had her pralines. She's an awesome cook.
Sabrina: She's gonna cook you.
Mr. Eugene Pool: All right, turn it down. 'Shake your whammy fanny.' Oh, please! You know in my day we had good music.
Harvey: Mr. Pool, didn't you grow up in the 70s?
Mr. Eugene Pool: Yes... Never mind.
Vesta: Now doesn't anyone want to tell me where your teacher left off? You! Spill!
Harvey: W-w-w-we were talking about skin.
Vesta: Always moisturise and use an exfoliant. Any questions? Yes?
Sabrina: What does moisturiser have to do with science?
Vesta: Science isn't everything. What about beauty and art and culture? Why do we have to focus on science?
Sabrina: Because this is biology?
Sabrina: I gotta get a job as a reporter, even if I have to go as far as New York.
Salem: Why do you have to go to New York? You already got an offer from the Boston Globe.
Sabrina: Yeah, three days a week as an assistant associate to the associate assistant. I think I'm beyond that.
Salem: Well, you'd better get something, or I won't be the only one in this house who's eating cat food.
Marigold: That outfit always looks so nice on you.
Hilda: Thanks... wait!
Sabrina: You were reading my diary again!
Salem: Yes and it's duller than dish water...
Mickey: [night-club owner] If you print that story, you'll never work again. You know what I'm saying, blond person?
Sabrina: [as he goes off] Yeah, you're saying you had onions for lunch.
[looks disgusted]
[All of Salem's mined magic is used on Sabrina]
Salem: Well, at least I'm young. No, that's Sabrina. Well, at least I have my own magic. No, wait, that's Sabrina. At least I'm a biped, no, no, wait, THAT'S SABRINA!
Zelda: Oh he'll be okay. Even before he was a cat Salem always landed on his feet.
Sabrina: [playing badminton] I stink
Harvey: Yeah, but you're getting better. This time just try to hit it a little higher, a little straighter and a little further. Or any one of those.
Sabrina: Wait, before you go, I have a quick question.
Morgan: [has a date] Ooh, I don't have time for questions.
Sabrina: Wait, but I thought you said you were here for me 24 hours.
Morgan: Not in the same day.
[leaves]
Miles: My name is Miles. Thus far we've only known each other as roommates, but... I'm open to other avenues.
Roxie: Make a U-turn. This road is closed.
[leaving: ]
Roxie: I didn't pay five bucks to get chatted up by Miles.
Sabrina: [needs protection, but Leonard has bailed on her] Any other secret admirers wanna come home with me tonight? Uh, any professional wrestlers? Thai kick-boxers?
[no: ]
Sabrina: Anyone with super-hero pajamas?
Sabrina: I had no idea you could bottle talent.
Salem: Where do you think that expression comes from? A six-pack of refreshing talent, now with the handy twist-top.
Sabrina: Cool. But I won't use it unless it's absolutely necessary.
Salem: Hey, I don't care how you justify it.
Roxie: I'm not angry. I'm happy for you. And I've come to a realization. The fact that I don't have a boyfriend might actually have something to do with me.
Miles: You think?
Roxie: [scowls at Miles] I just signed up for a relationship workshop on campus. Maybe I can figure out what I'm doing that's alienating men.
Sabrina: That's great. You know, I've always wanted to suggest something like that to you.
[as: ]
Sabrina: But then I realized you're perfect just the way you are, you know, and this workshop is just gravy. Gotta go!
[rushes off]
Hilda: Is there anything that I can get rid of?
Sabrina: You?
Sabrina: I can't stand that place. Pigs aren't very good at making change.
Salem: Who are they kidding with that sneezeguard over the slop bar?
Dr. Hans Egglehoffer: You have a fascinating brain I would love to study it
Zelda: Oh you're too kind
Zelda: Mind if I take a few measurements?
Dr. Hans Egglehoffer: Don't you want to try the cocktail wieners?
Guy: If you like cocktail wieners you'll love our new cheese logs made with one hundred percent cheese and fifty percent log
Phil: [about Sean Hexton] Let me handle it, there's a pack of rottweilers downtown who owe me.
James: You want to have a student attacked by a pack of wild dogs?
Phil: You make it sound so dirty...
James: That's probably because my method of education doesn't usually involve drawing blood.
Bob: What can you tell me about Salem's temperament?
Sabrina: Well, he's very friendly, very focused, and just a little power mad.
Bob: Sounds like he's all cat.
Sabrina: Right. And he's got a real head for numbers. May I demonstrate? Ask him a simple multiplication question.
Bob: Okay. Salem, uh, what's seven times five?
[Salem places his paw on the three and on the five on a board]
Bob: Amazing. Although we do judge purely on appearance.
Sabrina: Isn't that life.
Sabrina: This is ridiculous. I can't figure out this stupid redox reaction, can you?
Harvey: No, but that could be because this is the class before lunch.
Hilda: Yeah, but haven't you ever had a person in your life who you find truly revolting and the thought of them touching you makes you gag but you keep them around because they compliment you?
Salem: That's what they teach in church.
Hilda: There's nothing like watching Halloween through the eyes of a spoiled child.
Sabrina: You, er, probably don't remember me.
Tai: Yeah, like so many little blonde girls kick my butt that I can't keep them straight.
Sabrina: Did you ever notice how these sundae's have strata? They do, see there's a layer of hot fudge, a layer of ice cream and then more hot fudge. I guess 'cause mom's an archaeologist I notice stuff like that.
Roxie: [in doorway] Look, you seem very nice.
Sabrina: [smiles] Thanks.
Roxie: [shaking her head] I have no room in my life for people like that.
Sabrina: You're kidding, right?
Roxie: I never kid, I never giggle, and I never dance like a bow-legged chicken.
Sabrina: [smiles] Come on, you must have giggled once.
[met with a deathly stare]
Sabrina: Or not. Oh, I get it, you're one of those deceptively acerbic types. You talk tough, but deep down, you've got a heart of gold.
Roxie: [but...] I'm taking the bedroom, you get the couch, and I'd appreciate it if you lost that...
[gesturing in annoyed way]
Roxie: perky thing.
[slams door in Sabrina's face]
Dr. Bull: The cure for this malady must come from within. You've got to rediscover the magic of Christmas. And when you do, your egotitis will go away.
Sabrina: That's it?
Dr. Bull: Except for this. Hundred and twenty dollars, please.
[first lines]
Sabrina: [on mobile phone] Hello? Hello? That's weird. They hung up. That's the second time that's happened today.
Roxie: Did you hear a cell door clanging in the background?
Sabrina: No.
Roxie: Then it wasn't my mom.
Libby: Sabrina, I heard Ellen Healy can't go to the party either, so she's transferring to another school.
Sabrina: It's just a dumb party.
Libby: Right. And New Year's Eve, will be just another night of hats and horns. But don't worry, I'll be there to keep Harvey company.
Eugene: Oddly enough, this isn't the first time I've been left for a small appliance.
Sabrina: You really are funny.
Eugene: That wasn't a joke.
Gustav: [to Hilda] I think you are fine for weddings, Bat Mitzvahs, hoe-downs but being first chair requires skill, talent, me.
Salem: [speaking to a dog - subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen which read; go get me the meat of the...] Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof, oh shoot i forgot the word for floor, oh yeah, woof
Hilda: [referring to Warren] I don't believe it! I guess he really was a secret agent.
Sabrina: Apparently, not a very good one.
Hilda: But he told the truth. That's amazing.
Zelda: And very heart-warming. If he ever escapes, you can bet he'll call.
Hilda: Yeah. Oh, I just wish I'd given him my real phone number.
Sabrina: What do you say?
Amanda: You'll be back.
[sarcastically]
Amanda: I mean, sorry.
Sabrina: Now remember. You're my extremely shy cousins Hilda and Zelda. Wait! No-one would name their kids that. Okay, you're Hillary and you're... Zellary.
Zellary: Zellary?
Sabrina: Yeah. You're parents were hippies.
Jennifer: No one knows or cares what Galileo did in 1581.
Sabrina: He entered the university of Pisa.
Jennifer: Sabrina, I didn't know you were a geek.
Sabrina: I'm not. I just like science. Does that make me a geek?
Jennifer: No, I guess not.
Sabrina: And, you know, I'm even thinking of going by the Science Club after school.
Jennifer: Okay, now that could be a problem.
Sabrina: Why?
Jennifer: Because this is high school. If you show passion or enthusiasm for anything, you're doomed. You might as well be wearing a big 'Kick Me' sign.
Sabrina: Sure, it's a little weird, but, you know, moving between two houses has its upside. I hear travel broadens you.
Salem: [crying] I'm a latchkey kitty.
Libby: A witch? So "freak" was an understatement.
Zelda: You went to Science Club? Oh, that's wonderful.
Sabrina: No, it's not. Now Libby thinks I'm a complete geek.
Hilda: I knew this would happen. It's Zelda's influence. I begged you to watch TV with me so you'd be normal.
Sabrina: Come on, Ralphie. Power to the toys.
Ralphie: Fine. It'll give me something fresh to be bitter about.
Gordie: Wow, Libby, you look cool!
Libby: Thanks. Wait, did Gordie say that? He knows nothing about cool.
Sabrina: Never underestimate the power of Falun.
Hilda: Y'know we could talk while we watch sports. I mean relationships are built on communication. Why don't you share your feelings?
Simon: Why don't you share the chips.
Pete: [coming up to Sabrina] Hey, hi, I'm... I'm Pete, from your English Lit class. I was wondering if you'd, uh... you'd like to, uhm...
Roxie: ...grade your pickup line? D minus.
[nods her head helpfully]
Sabrina: [polite] That wasn't a pickup line.
Pete: Oh, actually, it was. You, uh, wanna go to a movie Saturday night?
Sabrina: Oh, well, Pete, you know I... I would love to go out with you, but... I've got plans.
Roxie: What plans? You told me you weren't doing anything.
Sabrina: Well, I said that because I don't want you to feel bad, because my plans don't include you.
Roxie: Oh, really? When were you gonna tell me?
Pete: Hello? Hi, uhm, I'm the one being rejected here.
Sabrina: Sorry, but thanks for asking.
[the guy goes off]
Roxie: So, what are you doing Saturday night?
Sabrina: Nothing. Wanna come along?
[Sabrina does magic]
Brad: Hey! What was that spark?
Sabrina: Um, static electricity?
Hilda: Oh I know what I want. Flaun.
[shaking the plate slightly]
Hilda: It's so wiggly.
Salem: I don't know whether to eat it or attack it.
Principal: Today, we honour a woman who for the past years has fed us our lunches and given us our change. Her dedication knows no bounds. She even served us food through her long bout with mono. And so, for you, Ingrid Tornnanis, our appreciation and this golden hairnet.
[CLATTERING]
Principal: Oh, nothing to worry about. Just a vat of sloppy joes spilled. You wanna get that? Okay, and I'll mail you this. Let's hear it for Mrs. Tornnanis.
Sabrina: She shouldn't have to clean that up. I mean, without a bucket.
Principal: Anyway, moving on... I would now like to announce her replacement. You.
Harvey: What?
Principal: Mm-hm. That's right. All of you will be replacing Mrs. Tornnanis.
Sabrina: What kind of crazy--? Hey, Mr. Kraft is talking.
Principal: What's going on here? Sabrin...
Hilda: You're here because you're rescuing all these people on a secret mission for the FBI.
Principal: No kidding.
Sabrina: Hey, this is fun. President Clinton went on TV and said you're a big, fat stupid head.
Principal: And that's why I'm a Republican.
Valerie: That whole pointed-hat, wart-on-the-nose thing?
Sabrina: Pure Hollywood.
Gordie: We hope you'll all join us. Any questions?
Libby: Yeah, can we get outa here?
Sabrina: I mean the things that happened weren't my fault and I was under a lot of stress.
Brady: Yeah, I know about stress. Yankee Stadium, play-offs, 20 million viewers.
Sabrina: High school, science project, very big wart.
Brady: Okay, you win, but only because of the very big wart. My point is we all live with stress. That's why you have to control your emotions and not let your emotions control you.
Sabrina: Isn't that a lot to ask from a teenager?
Brady: Yeah, and it'll take you about 20 years to get good at it but you should start now.
Harvey: I just wondered what happened to you.
Sabrina: Oh, right. We were supposed to get married.
Harvey: I figured you forgot.
Sabrina: No, no, no. You gave me a licence to sign. It's around here somewhere. Oh, here it is. Sorry about the gum. It's not too late, is it?
Harvey: Yeah. I gave you that three years ago.
Sabrina: Man, I'm so disorganized. Well, you're here now. Let me grab my coat.
Harvey: Sabrina, I've moved on. I married someone else.
Sabrina: And you didn't call?
Harvey: I did. You told me you'd call me back after you finished your game of "Tetris." How's that going, by the way? Look, I came here because I wanted you to meet my wife. Honey?
Libby: [Sabrina screams] All right, she's alive. Can we go now?
Josh: Morgan, wait.
[she grins victoriously, thinking she's getting her own way again]
Josh: If you see the waiter, can you tell him we need some more butter?
[sending her off in a huff]
Jennifer: Hi! My names Jenny, I'm running for sophomore class president and I'm with the outsider party.
Libby: Hi! My name is Libby and I'm also running for class president, but I'm with the popular party.
Jennifer: A vote for me is a vote for smaller classes and more funding for the arts.
Libby: A vote for me is a vote for more pizza at lunch.
Sabrina: You don't have to hide the fact that you're...
Bob: Don't say it.
Sabrina: Bald.
Bob: Shh! You have no idea what this means. It could destroy my career.
Sabrina: How? Aren't honesty and integrity the most important things to a journalist?
Bob: Not in this decade. People like people with hair. They've done studies. The public hasn't trusted a bald man since Eisenhower.
Granny: Well, Sabrina, you know you can always tell me anything.
Sabrina: I'm a witch.
Granny: Well, dear, as long as you're happy.
Principal: Okay, it's only fair that I let the final band compete, Although the expression "just a formality" certainly comes to mind. Please welcome Entry Number 5.
Valerie: We forgot to come up with a name.
Sabrina: Just play.
Sabrina: Salem, any thoughts on what I should go as for Halloween?
Salem: [surveying her outfit] Hmm. Off the top of my head, fashion victim?
Sabrina: [groans] The only thing lamer than that joke are my plans for Halloween.
Zelda: Can we come in?
Sabrina: All door are open on the path to enlightenment.
Hilda: I'll take that as a yes.
Principal: Not another protest. If this was China I'd run over you with a tank.
Cole: Sabrina, what happened to you? You got such big...
[catches himself]
Cole: hair.
Sabrina: Yeah, it's a new shampoo. Uh, they say it adds body.
[self-conscious giggle]
Cole: And they're not lying.
Sabrina: Yeah,
[sheepish: ]
Sabrina: maybe I shouldn't rinse and repeat.
[giggles]
Jennifer: The reason I called this meeting was to present my 5 point program, my contract with Westbridge, if I may.
Principal: Proceed.
Jennifer: Well, the first point focuses on class size, I think...
Principal: [interrupting] You have no authority there.
Jennifer: I don't?
Principal: No. Next point?
Jennifer: Well, I'm also concerned about arts funding.
Principal: You have no authority there.
Jennifer: Text books?
Principal: No.
Jennifer: Curriculum?
Principal: No.
Jennifer: Parking?
Principal: Huh! I don't even have authority there. These topics that you raise are not to be addressed in this room. They are decided by powerful men in smoke-filled board rooms hundreds of miles from here. It is not your place to question their choices. They know you, Jennifer, better than you know yourself. Let's leave the business of school to the people who's business is school. Student class elections have always been a popularity contest. Let's keep it that way.
Roxie: All I'm saying is that I've gotta get something to eat before I starve to death! Morgan, give me your shoe to crack this!
[picks up coconut]
Morgan: [holds her high heels close] Oh, at $500 a pair, I don't think so.
Sabrina: Uh, the president of the Science Club is having a...
Zelda: What? What?
Sabrina: The Science Club.
Zelda: Oh, I love the Science Club. I wish your Aunt Hilda had had more science. I think it makes a person organised.
Sabrina: Oh, well, I tried to talk to her about this, but-- Pfft.
Zelda: She grew distracted by something shiny?
Sabrina: Ha-ha-ha. That's a good one, Aunt Zelda. You're pretty funny.
Zelda: Well, you can tell me. I love science.
Sabrina: Okay, well, um, see, this Saturday, the Science Club is having a special...
Zelda: Meeting?
Sabrina: Yes. People will be meeting.
Zelda: Well, you go, then. Women in science, Sabrina. That's the future. You go. And you be the brightest one there.
Sabrina: Um... Okay.
Dr. Rafkin: I'm Dr. Rafkin. I... I used to be Amanda's dentist, but now, ahem, I'm an... action figure.
Sabrina: So, what are your powers?
Dr. Rafkin: I sleep about 18 hours a day.
Chip: Don't you threaten me!
Roxie: Why are you standing there still arguing? Isn't it time to go on the dance with mama?
Chip: Ha!
[glances at watch]
Chip: Oh.
[rushes off]
Sabrina: You know I was thinking it might be kinda fun to go with Harvey.
Jennifer: Are you gonna ask him?
Sabrina: Oh, I can't, I don't wanna complicate our friendship.
Jennifer: What if he asked you?
Sabrina: Oh, I don't mind if he complicates our friendship.
[a spell turns Salem blonde]
Salem: I'm blonde! My IQ just dropped 20 points!
Zelda: [pointing to each of the Spellman women] Blonde, blonde, blonde.
[points at Salem]
Zelda: Dead.
Morgan: [at luau party] Sabrina, what is my ex-boyfriend doing here?
Sabrina: Uh, he's my friend. And, besides, you said it was okay.
Morgan: I must have been tweezing or waxing at the time. You know you can't talk to me then!
Salem: We're a very literal species.
Sabrina: Let's hope I never become a bleeding heart liberal.
Harvey: Your Aunt Hilda's still saying no?
Sabrina: Now she's moved on to "No way" and "Ask again and you'll never see sunlight."
Sabrina: [snowstorm erupting the moment she sets foot outside, not wearing coat] Holy cheese and crackers! Cold, cold, cold!
Zelda: Boston? Midnight? Rock band? It sounds kind of dangerous.
Sabrina: Oh but it's not! It's totally safe.
Hilda: What's the name of the band again?
Sabrina: The Violent Femmes. Which is completely ironic because there aren't even any Femmes in the band, let alone violent ones.
Valerie: I failed my Spanish test. At least I think F means the same thing in both languages.
Sabrina: Hey, you guys are just in time to carve a pumpkin with me!
Roxie: And you're about twelve years too late. I haven't carved a pumpkin since I was... six.
Principal: Miss Spellman, why have you been following me around all morning?
Sabrina: It's... your cologne Mr. Kraft, it's so great that I want to buy some for my friend Harvey.
Principal: Well, you can think about my Old Spice in detention!
Sabrina: But what's my crime?
Principal: Smelling the Vice Principal!
Sabrina: I'm too weak to lie. I didn't wear my mittens today.
Hilda: I told you we should have glued them on.
Zelda: Remind me to scold you when you're not such a pathetic figure.
Sabrina: Who's that?
Quizmaster: That's the head quizmaster. I think her official title is the person who can fire your butt.
Sabrina: But she's so young.
Quizmaster: Yeah, she looks pretty good for 600.
Zelda: How dare you try to prick Sabrina's finger on that spindle so you could run off with her?
Sabrina: What?
Roland: I was only gonna keep her for a century or two.
Sabrina: What?
Zelda: You know very well that Sleeping Beauty spells are illegal ever since, well, Sleeping Beauty.
Salem: And I learned a valuable lesson. Whenever there's a crisis, I can depend on you guys to turn on me.
Mr. Eugene Pool: Now that I'm rich I have a reason to live.
Sabrina: So are you happy?
Mr. Eugene Pool: Oh, I'll say. Well, it gives me the freedom to teach science without anger and resentment. I can now teach for the pure joy of teaching.
Sabrina: It was so humiliating. He made me take the test in front of the whole class.
Hilda: Like some sort of zoo monkey?
Sabrina: Yeah.
[with sign language]
Sabrina: Co-Co hate teacher man.
Harvey: Hey, congratulations, Jenny, I'm really glad you won.
Jennifer: It's because people like you voted for me and not pizza.
Harvey: Er... right.
Principal: Now, I understand that everyone has been informed that I am judging the band contest tonight.
Libby: Yes.
Sabrina: Okay, so no talent isn't the only thing against us
Hilda: So, Alejandro, huh? When did you start seeing him?
Roxie: [not realizing she's being duped by Salem] I haven't yet. So far, we've only talked on the phone. It's the craziest story. We met over a wrong number.
Sabrina: I don't wanna write the story.
Roxie: What are you talking about?
Sabrina: Well, a lot of people could get hurt or kicked out of college.
Roxie: I didn't hot-wire my bra so that you could back out at the last minute. This is journalism, you write the truth and let the chips fall where they may.
Sabrina: But what if the chips destroy somebody?
Roxie: I think I'm beginning to understand who Sabrina Spellman is. You can't handle the truth!
Sabrina: [conflicted] I can handle the truth. I just can't handle the guilt.
Salem: I don't believe it. I just had my credit card yanked.
Sabrina: You have a credit card?
Salem: Yes. I was pre-approved by the good people of the Bank of Newark. Now I'm a little over-extended.
Sabrina: I'm sorry to hear that.
Salem: I appreciate your concern.
Sabrina: No, I was gonna hit you up for a loan.
Principal: Okay, now, in order to ensure everyone's safety on this trip, I have established a few simple guidelines.
Harvey: No snacking between meals? Lights out at 8?
Sabrina: No laughing?
Principal: And since we'll be staying at my ex-father-in-law's condo to save a little bit of money, everyone will have to pitch in with the chores.
Harvey: Will we get paid?
Principal: You will be paid with up to minutes a day of ski time, mister.
Harvey: Oh, the humanity!
[reacting to Sabrina's fart]
Sabrina: So how'd the game go?
Harvey: Great. I caught a pass. And if it had been inbounds, it would've been great.
Hilda: What's my bra doing on the roof?
Salem: Erm, the squirrels needed a nutfeeder...
Quizmaster: You see that waiter there? Those aren't cocktails, that's a tray full of students.
Sabrina: Ohhh. I don't wanna know what the crab cakes were.
Roxie: Yeah, I had this one romantic Valentine's Day. This guy I was seeing gave me an ankle bracelet, necklace and earrings.
Sabrina: Wow, that's quite a haul.
Roxie: Yeah, that's what the jury said right before they sent him away for armed robbery.
Sabrina: Well, at least you know he's not with another girl.
[laughs]
[Sabrina excitedly exits door #2 and her aunts embrace her]
Sabrina: [very happily] I passed and I've got some colour in my cheeks!
Drell: [proudly] Nicely done! You passed the test of Fidelity.
Zelda: You resisted temptation. Something that tests *every* relationship.
Tai: Are you ready to get this over with?
Sabrina: Aren't we supposed to spar verbally first?
Tai: Only in the movies.
Hilda: [referring to Sabrina] A kid who likes lima beans? Being a witch is just the tip of her weirdness.
Hilda: [re-educating Sabrina] Maybe we should start with something simple. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Harvey: [earnestly] A penny saved is a penny earned.
Salem: Don't eat yellow snow.
Sabrina: It's so unfair. They can't make me go to the Other Realm.
Salem: They made me a cat. You're messing with the wrong crowd.
Roxie: [Miles pulled a hamstring three hours ago] Miles, could you stop the groaning? It's getting annoying.
Miles: Roxie, you were here? How come you didn't come out to help me?
Roxie: [shrugs] I just thought you were talking to your mother.
Hilda: From the hand-towel to the guest-towel, the beach-towel to the bath-sheet. Towels have helped make our nation great.
[raising her glass of water]
Hilda: Towels. Okay, let's talk about something else.
[peeping at the list given by Sabrina]
Hilda: Oh! The collapse of the economy on the Isle of Mann.
Sabrina: [to sorority rush contender, in quest to expose airheads] So what are you looking forward to most about being a Mu Pi? Doing your toenails with the other girls, or highlighting each other's hair?
[first lines]
Sabrina: [packing] Okay, bikini, sunscreen, sandals... What am I forgetting?
Salem: A trusted, loyal cat?
Sabrina: Right. Let me know if you find one.
Mr. Eugene Pool: Are you all here for Science Club?
Harvey: Yeah, science rocks!
Mr. Eugene Pool: Welcome! Welcome! Oh, what a happy day. I've touched you, kids. I'm going to save the space programme.
Sabrina: Hey, you brought a tree trimmer?
Zelda: He prefers to be called an arborist.
Treetrimmer: Okay, let's get rid of this puppy. Okay, everyone, stand clear. Timber!
Libby: And you want me to sing for you?
Sabrina: In exchange for eternal gratitude, endless flattery, and a piece of the merchandising.
Libby: I'll do it.
Sabrina: You will?
Libby: But let's get one thing straight. It's only because I love to sing.
Sabrina: And we love to hear you sing, because you sing so very, very well. And you're pretty too.
Libby: Let's change "endless flattery" to cash.
Sabrina: The last time I wore mittens, everybody teased me. It almost ruined kindergarten for me.
Zelda: Hello. You don't know me, but I just wanted to say, Dr. Terdlington is a hero, Zelda Spellman is a zero.
Dr. Terdlington: Now on to the B's.
Jennifer: I got a joke. Knock knock.
Sabrina: Who's there?
Jennifer: Brad.
Sabrina: Brad who?
Jennifer: Brad Pitt. Is there any other Brad worth mentioning?
Sabrina: Salem, do you think the council will grant the time reversal?
Salem: I'm the wrong witch to ask. They weren't very lenient with me. Sentenced to 100 years as a cat, and for what?
Sabrina: I don't know. For what?
Salem: Oh, like any young kid, I dreamed of world domination. Of course, they really crack down when you act upon it.
Sabrina: Wow. No wonder you're so possessive of the sofa.
Salem: Mm. It would have been glorious. Me, as the firm but just emperor of Earth. Trust me, being a house pet wasn't even plan B.
Sabrina: Come on, it's not that bad. You take 5,000 naps a day.
Salem: I can't go dancing. I can't play squash. The sound of the can opener is the only thing that makes me feel truly alive.
Sabrina: Salem? Would you like your rubber mouse?
Salem: Please.
Salem: I'm a hippie cat!
Salem: Well I have two words for Mr. Tobias, water balloons aimed at his house on the hour every hour. I realize that's more then two words.
Sabrina: [seeing Salem asleep on the settee] Oh he had some Friday the 13th.
Zelda: Poor little guy, wore himself out.
Hilda: Oh he looks so peaceful... should we?
Salem: [with a spell cast and a loud air horn blasting, Salem jumps in terror and lands in the light shade] That's okay, I have another 8 lives. 7 after I fall down from here.
Miles: Morgan, you wanna help the needy?
Morgan: Yes, I do.
[rises]
Morgan: And I'm gonna start with a bubble bath.
[goes off]
Morgan: Why am I such an idiot? I keep fooling myself into thinking that one year I am actually going to have a normal Christmas.
Sabrina: Morgan, normal is relative.
Morgan: Yeah, too bad my relatives aren't normal.
Hilda: [to Sabrina] You have to tell people when you run off to Europe for snacks.
Zelda: [to Vesta] And you can't just take Sabrina out of school.
Vesta: Oh, I'm only here 5 seconds and it's already 'can't' and 'don't'. Doesn't anything ever change around here?
Hilda: We got new fabric for the chair.
[Sabrina has passed the first True Love test]
Sabrina: [excitedly exits door #1] Yes!
Zelda: [hugs Sabrina] Congratulations!
Hilda: [high fives Sabrina] Way to go!
Drell: Well, you passed the test of friendship. True love *can't exist* without friendship.
Harvey: This is already better than visiting my real grandparents, I don't have to take my ear rings out.
Hilda: Willard's one of those people who hit middle age and just forgot how to have fun.
Zelda: Hildegard Antoinette Spellman. You used my laptop again without asking.
Hilda: And then there are some people who are middle-aged their whole lives.
Sabrina: [Still trying to be nice] Libby, um, I could use some help with my crêpe paper.
Libby: I have a box of matches?
Sabrina: [Knowing about Libby's love for her Grandmother] But it's just that I wanted to get done this weekend, so I could, uh, visit my Grandma.
Libby: Oh.
[pauses]
Libby: Well. I would hate for part of the float to look like you did it.
[Rolls eyes]
Libby: Okay, I'll help.
Sabrina: Thanks! You know, Libby, sometimes you're a real puzzle.
Libby: No talking!
James: [consulting file] All right, let's see, you've been expelled from twelve different schools, you forced fourteen teachers into early retirement, one into a straitjacket,
[causing Sabrina to look at her sharply as Amanda just nods proudly]
James: on the other hand, you were the top seller in the Other Realm High magazine drive.
Sabrina: That's what I love about Amanda, she's a real go-getter.
James: It says here you never turned in the money.
Amanda: That's because I spent it on a mountain bike. No, wait, I stole the bike, and spent the money on a Kate Spade bag.
Sabrina: So Amanda has a problem with dishonesty and greed. But that's just because of her troubled background. I mean, I think if you just get to know Amanda, you will see that she is a good spirit with a kind heart.
[Amanda zaps her file, setting it ablaze in teacher's hands]
Sabrina: See how quickly she warmed up to you?
Sabrina: You are aware this looks exactly like Aunt Zelda's place?
Hilda: It's the exact opposite. Plus, I added a doily.
Salem: I hate it.
Sabrina: How can you hate it? It's just like home.
Salem: Because I hate change, and it smells like sweat and spit.
Sabrina: That's you.
Salem: Oh.
Monty: [referring to Salem's being kidnapped] What does he want? I'll pay whatever it is.
Sabrina: He doesn't want money, he want's Salem.
Monty: But remember, I offered.
Harvey: [she brought him Mercury's skates] Where did these come from?
Sabrina: Don't ask questions, just do as I say.
Harvey: Suddenly I feel like we're dating again.
Jennifer: You're so luck your aunts are strict. My parents are really relaxed which makes it hard to rebel.
Zelda: Hilda! I've just opened our Visa bill! How could you spend $3,000 on World War II memorabilia?
Hilda: What are you talking about? You I'm a Boer War kind of gal.
Zelda: Well, if these aren't *your* Visa charges and they aren't *my* Visa charges, then who's are they?
[in the next room, Salem is heard on the phone speaking in Japanese and Zelda and Hilda investigate]
Salem: [talking into a phone on a table] The name on the card is Zelda Spellman.
[Salem sees Zelda and Hilda come into the room and continues speaking in Japanese, trying to make the call sound important]
Zelda: [presses the cut-off button] Just what do you think you're doing?
Salem: I know the kimono's a little gauche, but it's so dang silky.
Zelda: [suspicious] We're talking about my *Credit Card*.
Salem: Oh, that. Just making a little impulse buy: The future Mrs. Myoshi Saberhagen ships in two weeks!
Hilda: [shocked] You bought a mail-order Bride? Dummy, what are you gonna do when a Japanese woman shows up and sees that her number one American husband is a *cat*?
Salem: When she sees the engagement ring you bought her with your Discover Card, she won't care!
[Salem laughs, jumps off the table and runs out of the room]
Zelda: [to Hilda] Can you believe the nerve of that mangy little fur ball? Stealing from us and then flaunting it!
[a large package envelope comes up in the toaster]
Zelda: [walks over to the toaster] When was the last time actual *toast* came out of that thing?
Sabrina: I'm pumped! What's next?
Drell: [points to Door #2] Ah, door number two.
Sabrina: OK.
[to the glass box containing Harvey as a frog]
Sabrina: Wish me luck, Harvey!
Aaron: [Morgan's new high heels makes her slip] Whoa, are you okay?
Morgan: Yeah, it's these new mules. They're stylish, but not great for walking.
Aaron: Then why did you buy them?
Sabrina: Oh, you have so much to learn about women.
Tai: [referring to the trophy] I could only accept it if I won it honourably in a rematch.
Sabrina: You mean I'd have to fight you again? But we already did that. Okay, how about this. We play football?
Tai: There is no honor in foosball.
Sabrina: Can we focus? Okay, we have five witches and a newt, we should be able to do something?
Hilda: I've got it. We all hide inside a giant wooden horse.
Zelda: Hmm, that worked so well the last time.
Sabrina: Valerie, I learned that if you think you are confident, you are confident.
Valerie: And I learned that childhood traumas don't go away by reading a book.
Valerie: OK, I'll come over to your house...
Sabrina: Ok. NO, PIRATES!
Valerie: Pirates?
Sabrina: I didn't say pirates... I said By gum! By Gum don't come over here!
Sabrina: I promise you two will get along great.
Harvey: Does he like sports?
Sabrina: No.
Harvey: Does he know anything about cars?
Sabrina: No.
Harvey: Military aircraft?
Sabrina: Look, I'm sure you'll find something to talk about.
Harvey: We could talk about you.
Sabrina: No!
Harvey: Yeah, I only wish we could have gotten someone cool to be here.
Sabrina: Thanks a lot!
Harvey: You know what I mean, someone others follow.
Sabrina: Like Libby the lord high empress of Westbridge?
Harvey: I thought she was sophomore class president?
Jennifer: Libby would never show her face here.
Harvey: Maybe we could fake it. My dad says that Russia's on their third Boris Yeltzin.
Miles: Up 'til now we've known each other only as roomates, but I'm open to other avenues.
Roxie: Take a U-turn.
Sabrina: Well, you know, this Christmas we can be our own family. Yeah, we'll go home and decorate our tree and hang our stockings and we should probably do the Thanksgiving dishes.
Sabrina: Morgan would be totally embarrassed if she knew I was asking you for this, but we gotta help her out. Mismanaging money could happen to anyone.
Roxie: Couldn't happen to me. I do not have enough money to mismanage.
Amanda: You better be nice to me or I'll put you in a jar.
Sabrina: Excuse me?
Amanda: I put all the people who aren't nice to me in jars.
[puts on the table a jar with a tiny man in it]
Amanda: This is Mr. Altree, he tried to teach me math.
Sabrina: Can he breath in there?
Amanda: Yes, I gave him air holes. Here's a math problem, Mr. Altree. 5 air holes minus 1 air hole is how many?
[placing her finger over one of the air holes]
Mr. Altree: No, please! I wanna live. I wanna live!
Amanda: See, nobody likes pop quizzes.
Zellary: [Sabrina points and Zellary's outfit transforms] My midriff is showing!
Sabrina: You're 16, it's okay.
Zellary: I am not leaving this house dressed like a hussy!
Sabrina: You are or you're not going.
Fabrizio: [muscular male muse] Well?
Sabrina: Take off your shirt, we have writing to do.
Valerie: Why am I allowed to live?
Sabrina: I think there are laws.
Sabrina: Look, my aunt's not mad at me, so I have no reason to feel guilty. Now, let me off this freaking bus!
The: Hey, Sandra Bullock, stay behind the yellow line!
Sabrina: Hey, Roxie, what's your family doing for Christmas?
Roxie: The usual. We put up an aluminum tree, get take-out from Taco Bell, and then I watch my Dad and step-mom exchange cartons of Winston Lights.
Morgan: [overhears] Your family exchanges cigarettes?
Roxie: Hey, it's just not Christmas without a visit from Jolly old St. Nicotine!
Sabrina: 'Let your conscience be your guide.' I hate when they say that, now I have no idea what to do.
Salem: You should consider the pros and cons.
Sabrina: Okay. I use my magic, I win. Without it, I lose. Win, lose. Win, lose. I'm going with win!
Marigold: You can all take your seats, I'll check on the consommé or as Hilda would call it, soup.
Hilda: What's wrong with soup?
Sabrina: Oh, I got the cutest little pink bikini today. This trip is going to be so great, even the drive down will be fun.
Zelda: Look, if you want him to notice you, don't be so available. Get a hobby or a job. When I was a girl, I kept bees.
Sabrina: I think I'll get a job.
Vladimir: [going to bite] How nice of you to sacrifice yourself to save your friend.
Sabrina: Yeah, well, let's get it over with.
[offers neck]
Vladimir: [savoring] Tasty. What is your blood type? I'd like to know whether to have you with fish or lamb.
Sabrina: How about with 'stake'?
[but her attempt fails]
Sabrina: I knew I should have gone with the kebab skewer! Gotta go!
Quizmaster: Ralph is the best student I've ever had. He can even turn himself into uranium. Okay, I'm radioactive now, but the point is, he can do it.
Principal: Do you think I am doing this just to make the students angry? That's just a delightful bonus.
Mrs. Quick: Hey, hey, mister! You could fall and really hurt yourself, dear. Come on, let's go get you some cocoa.
Valerie: I want to be just like her. All except for the low teacher's salary part.
Libby: [to Harvey] Sorry about you being second string.
[to Valerie]
Libby: Sorry about you... in general.
Zelda: Hilda's still not back from her audition?
Salem: No. That's Spanish for "no."
Roxie: Uh-oh, I didn't really think this through. If we sing, people are gonna be celebrating our public humiliation.
Morgan: And I've never won a contest where I wasn't wearing a bikini. I got a lot of flack from the other kids in the spelling bee for that.
Sabrina: I made you a personal pan pizza. Is there anything else I could do to make you ecstatically happy?
Roland: Pepper flakes?
Libby: [to Sabrina] I know scooping is a difficult skill to master.
Quizmaster: Listen, stop thinking about how bad it feels to get it wrong, and start thinking about how good it's gonna feel when you get it right.
Sabrina: Okay, I'll try again, but this time if my legs go numb, I want help getting off the bed not just pointing and jeering.
Hilda: She was supposed to be in school.
Vesta: Well, we tried to make her last class but then we stopped in Milano for gelato.
Sabrina: You have to.
Hilda: No, you don't.
Valerie: Sabrina? Sabrina? Where did she go?
Libby: A nerd ditched by a freak. It's like a movie of the week.
Zelda: I see the hair spell kicked in.
Hilda: I probably shouldn't have had that second bowl of hair soup but I thought mutton chops would be nice for a change.
Zelda: You look like Gregg Allman.
Hilda: I'll take that as a compliment.
Harvey: We'll grab some eats, and I'll tell the others about you joining the band.
Valerie: What?
Harvey: Hi. Sabrina, Valerie, I'd like you to meet Sunset.
Valerie: You can't just bring someone into the band.
Sabrina: Especially someone named Sunset.
Roxie: [when bride-to-be Sabrina becomes too demanding] You know, I really think you should take the credit for this shower. Like you said, you two are so much closer friends.
Morgan: Oh, no, no, no. If anyone should be the maid of honor, it's you. So I am just gonna step back and let you take the bullet... I mean, credit.
Morgan: [to Sabrina] The only place Josh's hands are going to be, is on me.
Josh: I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to cancel.
Morgan: What? I bought a new dress. I told everybody that we're coming. And I pulled major strings to get us in.
Josh: Morgan, these people are about to lose their homes. I think that's a little bit more important than seeing you and your friends dressed in Saran Wrap, yet again.
Sabrina: Do you really wear Saran Wrap?
Morgan: [snaps] It's pleather!
[Drell is standing next to Door #1, but lightning flashes on the other side and Drell quickly moves away just before the door opens and Hilda exits the first True Love Test]
Drell: [quite surprised] What? No canned applause?
Hilda: Sorry.
[Hilda blows out the candle in the heart-shaped cabinet and sits on the sofa. Drell is disappointed]
Sabrina: [gets up] I finished the pamphlet.
Drell: So you decided what kind of frog you wanna be?
Sabrina: Yeah, I selected the Flying Tree Frog.
Drell: Excellent choice. Then it's time for the last test, but this one isn't...
[Drell looks at Hilda]
Drell: ...easy...
[Drell turns to face Sabrina]
Drell: ...like the others.
Zelda: [encouraging] Good luck and don't be nervous.
Sabrina: [nervously] I'm not nervous! I mean, I know it's true love! So therefore I have no reason to be nervous!
[Sabrina tries to open Door #3]
Drell: Ah push, don't pull. Push.
[Sabrina nervously smiles as she opens Door #3 and enters the final Test of True Love]
Sabrina: [to Harvey on the phone after Zelda walks out] You were saying?
Salem: [snickers from inside picnic basket]
Sabrina: One more sec.
[lowers phone and walks over to basket as Salem lifts his head out]
Sabrina: Salem, are you spying on me?
Salem: I'm a cat. I'm curious. So kill me.
Sabrina: Out!
[opens basket and pulls Salem out]
Salem: Fine. I understand the delicacy of the moment.
[Sabrina drops him off outside the kitchen and he runs off, sing-song teasing]
Salem: Harvey and Sabrina, Harvey and Sabrina.
Salem: [referring to Christmas tree decorating] Oh, I see. First you kill the tree, and then you humiliate it.
Sabrina: You're right. I'm gonna tell Annie I have written my last obituary.
Annie: [appearing] Sabrina! Get down to Boston General. There's a rumor Keith Richards is having chest pains.
Sabrina: Can't I wait till he goes to the morgue? I have my own parking spot there.
James: Now can anyone tell me what's wrong with what Sean did?
Amanda: He got caught.
Valerie: [to Harvey while surfing with his VR glasses on] Wow, that's amazing... You can look dorky in this realm *too*!
Zelda: You can't file a missing witches report for 24 hours.
Roxie: You ran out? Without him?
Morgan: That is so not how this story is supposed to end.
Sabrina: I'm telling you, I don't know what happened. I just panicked.
Morgan: Well, if you want my professional dating opinion,
[shaking her head]
Morgan: you're an idiot.
Roxie: [shaking her head] Going with Big Red on this one.
Sabrina: Well, my head, my mouth, my heart, they were all out of control. I think my feet just assessed the situation and yelled "fire!"
Morgan: Sabrina, that sweaty-palmed, heart-racing, stomach-in-your-throat feeling is what dating is all about. That, and a free dinner.
Sabrina: [finds the spell in the magic book] Here goes. Double, double. Toil and trouble.
Salem: Bill Shakespeare stole that from us. What a hack!
Libby: Oh, dear Lord. I just hugged a teacher.
Sabrina: Great! Well, I can never touch Aunt Zelda again.
Sabrina: So how'd the gig go?
Hilda: Lousy. I tried to merge the worlds of art and prime rib, but I failed.
Sabrina: Heads up. Here comes the floor show
Libby: Time to wake up from my nightmare
[pinches herself]
Libby: Ow! Time to wake up from my nightmare
[pinches herself]
Libby: Ow! Time to wake up from my nightmare
[pinches herself]
Libby: Ow!
Hilda: We're not big on thanksgiving. That holiday was started by puritans who weren't exactly witch friendly.
Sabrina: So instead we celebrate a night devoted to little kids dressing up like super-heroes?
Zelda: That is not what all hallows eve is all about. It's a time for remembering the dead.
Sabrina: Oh, that sounds like fun. I just know I'll have a terrible time.
Hilda: And that's what family gatherings are all about. Do you think I want to listen to cousin Marigold brag about how married she is and how single I am? No.
Zelda: But we go, because it's tradition.
Hilda: And Zelda makes me.
Sabrina: And now you're making me?
Hilda: See? Tradition.
Amanda: [Sabrina is panicking] What's up with her?
Salem: She's having second thoughts.
Amanda: Oh-ho-ho.
Salem: Mm-hmm.
Hilda: Oh, by the way, Zelda and I are chaperoning the school dance Friday.
Sabrina: What? Why don't you just hang a big "Nerd Girl" sign around my neck?
Hilda: Okay.
[She points and Sabrina gets her wish]
Sabrina: Nobody likes a house where you can't speak figuratively.
Valerie: I was just invited to a party.
Sabrina: At 7:00?
Valerie: Well, I wasn't exactly invited, but people saw me hear about it and didn't warn me to keep away. You wanna come?
Sabrina: Gee, I'd love to since they went to so much trouble not to ban us, but I can't. I'm babysitting my little cousin.
Valerie: Well, I can't go to a party alone. Let me change that. I can't go to another party alone.
Sabrina: [playing for time] So then she says "I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco." Get it?
Morgan: Got it. And I'm gone.
Sabrina: Wait, I've got a million of them.
Roxie: Yeah, and we've heard every one.
Rules: Rules are rules but loop-holes are loop-holes.
Sabrina: I don't believe this. Look! Look!
Salem: Whoa! Who's your friend?
Zelda: It's her first wart as a witch.
Hilda: Oh, let me get the camera.
Salem: Hello, this is your guard speaking. Harvey is at the front door, and send me a sandwich!
Miles: [picking up his books, and in front of him, leggy teacher] Wow. Nice. Footwear.
Zelda: Thank you. I wasn't sure if open toes were too bold for the academic environment.
Miles: Oh, no, I like open toes. Open-toed shoes. I like shoes in general. I mean, I don't have a shoe fetish or anything. I also like socks. But not with sandals.
Wicked: Make yourselves at home. We dress for dinner here. In your case that means oyster dressing. Heh.
Aaron: [Sabrina has chosen not to go ahead with the marriage] Never think that almost is good enough for you.
Sabrina: Or for you...
Sabrina: What happened to your hair?
Jennifer: It's gone! And it's all your fault. So I wanted to talk to you and say I'm not talking to you.
Principal: My grandmother's been wanting me to see someone.
Hilda: I'm sure you'll meet someone nice when you least expect it.
Principal: No, this is "see someone" as in psychiatrist. Although admittedly, I have been seeing quite a few strange things here and there. Mostly here.
Zelda: I don't know what you're referring to.
Principal: Well, strange sparkly things and paper dissolving and staircase slides and a townhouse that looks identical to this Victorian home.
Zelda: Oh, you don't need a psychiatrist. You just have a wonderfully active imagination.
Hilda: You probably feel so free to let yourself go around us because we're so relaxed and comforting.
Zelda: And normal.
Principal: Good, so we're normal.
Zelda: Did you follow the recipe carefully?
Sabrina: Sure. With a few substitutions.
Mr. Eugene Pool: Well, er, let's begin by discussing the biggest scientific breakthrough in recent months, the possible evidence of life on Mars. Er, what does this discovery mean to us? Howard?
Howard: It means that the governments been covering this up for years and that Scully and Mulder are right, the truth is out there!
Josh: [looking at TV screen] Call me crazy, but that doll is a dead ringer for your Aunt Zelda.
Sabrina: No way. That doll has a butt.
Professor: Zelda and I have an agreement that we don't date each other exclusively.
Hilda: Oh, really? Well, according to my understanding of the word agreement, both people have to be in on it.
Professor: Both people are.
Hilda: Yeah, you and Ashley. And I suppose when she needs help with her homework, you're right on top of it.
[walks away]
Morgan: Sabrina, get dressed.
Sabrina: Why?
Morgan: You have to come with me. I mean, you can do all that face-to-face stuff. What I do is write.
Sabrina: And what I'm thinking of doing is so wrong.
Sabrina: [an explosion or a thunderbolt?] Please, let that be an earthquake!
Amanda: [rushing down the stairs] Hi, everybody. Thank you so, so much for taking me in.
[hugging Zelda]
Amanda: Ooh, what died in here?
Zelda: That would be our dinner.
Amanda: I'll order in.
[to: ]
Amanda: I guess since you're at college, I'll be taking over your room. I think it's gonna be really cool once I change everything about it.
[heads back upstairs]
Sabrina: Well, that just killed my appetite.
Zelda: [no longer interested in her plate] Oh, I think it killed everybody's.
Hilda: [as Salem gorges himself] Well, not everybody's.
Zelda: But do you know anything about a supercolider conference?
Cletus: No, but then I'm always the last to know.
Zelda: Well, the invitation says 107 and it's engraved.
Cletus: Nice! Who's it from?
Zelda: The Visual Engineers for the Study of Theoretical Activity.
Cletus: Why don't they just shorten it to... V.E.S.T.A?
Zelda: Vesta!
Marigold: Poor Harold's been working so much these days I'm not sure he'll make it but someone's got to bring home the basudo.
Hilda: What's wrong with bacon?
Jennifer: I don't get it. Why doesn't anybody want to support the outsider party?
Sabrina: Maybe because you named it after their biggest fear?
Sabrina: You look like you haven't slept in days.
Valerie: If I sleep, I won't have time to bake or learn opera.
Sabrina: Can we talk?
Valerie: No. Friendship is inefficient use of time.
Quizmaster: [to Sabrina] Mortals don't have a lot of restraint when it comes to magic... or firearms. Quiz you later.
Valerie: Hey. Pop out the way you popped in, with all that lightning-and-smoke stuff.
Quizmaster: [to Sabrina] See what I mean? I blame television.
Roxie: Sabrina, you gotta use connections. I don't know why you don't take me up on my offer. I mean, my friend does write for The Village Voice.
Sabrina: He writes letters to the editor. He's a crackpot.
Roxie: A published crackpot.
Hilda: Remember that time I got stuck in my own resentment and you didn't lift one finger to help me.
Zelda: At least you got over it.
Hilda: No, I didn't.
[last lines]
Miles: [vainly struggling as Roxie has him pinned down on the couch] I know how this looks, but she is very persistent.
Sabrina: Well,
[casting: ]
Sabrina: since it's almost the end of Valentine's night, let's give Roxie back her bite.
Roxie: [back to her senses, looking down at Miles] Oh, my God, what have I done?
Miles: You've made this the most special Valentine's Day ever.
Roxie: [howling] You repulse me!
[rushes off]
Miles: [happy] I'm okay with that!
[thumbs up to smiling Sabrina]
Sabrina: [opening envelope] Okay, it says here that they like your stuff. They just want you to come back when you've had more experience.
Morgan: That's why I hate careers. It was so much easier getting experience with boys.
Morgan: If you think I'm staying one more minute in this house after your scene-stealing tantrum last night, think again.
[carrying suitcases, leaving]
Morgan: I am not The Wind Beneath Your Wings. I'm a star in my own right.
Roxie: In your own mind.
Hilda: Oh, great. One more gentleman caller, and we can put on The Glass Menagerie.
Principal: Miss Spellman, kissing up is a way of life, not just something you do when it suits you.
Sabrina: [Sabrina and the Quizmaster are searching the float for pieces of the Libby puzzle; Harvey appears from beneath the float] Argh! Harvey! Have you met my friend...
Quizmaster: Invisible!
Sabrina: My friend Suzie? Remind me to introduce you sometime! By the way, you didn't happen to see any jigsaw puzzle pieces under there, did you?
Harvey: No, but to tell you the truth, I was taking a nap. There's something really soothing about being under an engine. But I don't know what it is.
Quizmaster: The fumes?
Sabrina: Sssshhhhh - sure gotta go!
[Runs off, giggling]
Harvey: Are we in heaven?
Wicked: Let's just call it a weigh station to heaven.
Sabrina: Aunt Hilda, a bat just flew out of your mouth.
Hilda: Oh, how embarrassing. I have bat breath again.
Zelda: Have you been eating pomegranates?
Hilda: I know they don't agree with me, but I had a craving for crimson pulp. Is it bad?
[bats squeaking]
Harvey: The PTA is sponsoring a ski trip to Vermont this weekend. Let's sign up.
Sabrina: I can't believe the PTA came up with something fun to do. Let's see how they ruin this.
Libby: [to Mr. Kraft] I'm so glad they picked you to chaperon the ski trip.
Principal: [to Libby] Well, you know my motto: fun, with discipline.
Sabrina: [to Harvey] Did your hope die first or mine?
Salem: [to the two aunts] Wanna really scare people? Leave the house without your makeup!
[gets zapped onto the bicycle with the broken saddle]
Salem: Oh, it pinches! Pinches!
[bicycle zooms out the door]
Sabrina: [sounds of smash] Oh! I think we dented his cat-hood on that Chrysler.
Sabrina: [to Harvey] Well, you know let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
Libby: I'm a cheerleader, let me handle this.
Hilda: I'm sure the line will move quickly.
Zelda: Excuse me, ma'am. How long have you been waiting?
Old: My oldest boy, Tom, is 52.
Hilda: That's nice, but how long have you been here?
Old: He was born in this line.
Sabrina: [when incredulous Roxie finds her kissing mirror where boyfriend's image had been] What? I look hot today.
[a bird is twittering outside the window]
Salem: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Why must you keep tormenting me?
Hilda: Here.
Zelda: Thanks. Wait. This is my tennis racket.
Zelda: No it's not.
Zelda: Then why is there a Z on it?
Hilda: Cause I once lost a set to Zorro?
Mrs. Quick: I got a postcard from Valerie, she's really enjoying her trip to D.C.
[Reading postcard]
Mrs. Quick: Hi, everyone! I've visited the Vietnam Memorial, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, and JFK's grave. This place is really fun!
Libby: Sounds like a big loser town to me.
Mrs. Quick: I have an important announcement to make: the school will be entering a float in the town's Democracy Daze celebration.
Harvey: [to Sabrina] Great. I get to hear my Dad's Grenada story again.
Mrs. Quick: Now who would like to be in charge of putting the float together?
[Sabrina and Libby both raise their hands]
Mrs. Quick: Oh, my.
[Looks at Valerie's postcard from Washington]
Mrs. Quick: Well, I think this would be the perfect opportunity for the two of you to embody our democracy's two party system and work together.
Sabrina: What?
Salem: Halt. You're stuffing my salmon into your book bag. That red, flaky sockeye is all I have to live for.
Sabrina: Sorry, Salem. The clubs at school are collecting canned goods for the food drive.
Salem: You know, Sabrina, charity begins at home. In fact, in my mind, it begins in the cat dish.
Harvey: It's good for me to read 'Sports Illustrated' Now I'll have something to talk about with my dad during church.
Sabrina: How was jail?
Salem: Not bad, there's a guy in solitary convinced Alan Derchowitze appeared to him as a talking cat. I told him I'd call the governor and plead his innocence.
Sabrina: See? I told you it was nice to help people.
Salem: Are you kidding? I'm not calling.
Sabrina: [showing off new pair of pink high-heel sandals] These are the most comfortable shoes I've ever had.
Zelda: And stylish.
Hilda: Oh, cobbler?
Salem: [at their beck and call] Yes, ma'am?
Hilda: I'd like five more pairs. One in every color.
Sabrina: Yes, and how are you with matching belts?
Salem: I'll cobble whatever you want. I'm just glad to be home.
Sabrina: [public apology looming closer] Great, can we get this over with? I still have a tiny shred of dignity lodged behind my spleen.
Strum: Hey, I like the halter.
Sabrina: Oops, there it goes.
Roxie: Well, I've got all I need. Mu Pi is gonna fry.
Miles: Why should I pay $5 to get rejected when I do it so well for free?
Sabrina: Well, for every girl who says no, you're that much closer to the one that will say yes. Dating is a numbers game!
Miles: So, getting rejected by twenty girls in one night is a good thing?
Sabrina: Yeah, for only five bucks, it's a bargain!
Zelda: All a little too easy, I smell a rat.
Salem: Ooh, a Rat! Oh, wait, I had rat for lunch.
Sabrina: These boots are killing me.
Vesta: Deal with it. There's no room for sensible shoes in rock and roll.
Libby: I hope someone brought some baking soda, because something stinks in here. Oh. Look. It's Sabrina's band.
Sabrina: I'd think of a snappy comeback, but it's true.
Hilda: [indoor tornado] That is either Aunt Irma or a big wind chasing Helen Hunt.
Sabrina: There's actually a giant at the top of the beanstalk?
Zelda: Or worse.
Hilda: Beanstalks always lead to a bad neighbourhood.
Morgan: [chasing Roxie down the stairs] Come on, just let me see it, please? Just a peek.
Roxie: [defensively] Get away from me.
[to: ]
Roxie: I can't believe you told her.
Sabrina: [to Morgan] But you promised.
Roxie: [to Sabrina] So did you.
Sabrina: Well, I'm sorry. It wasn't malicious. Look, I was just trying to put her mind at ease. She thought you were dying.
Morgan: She's right. And, believe me, I'd wanna die too if I had "I heart Hanson" on me.
Roxie: [whining] You gave her details?
Hilda: [performing at coffeehouse] Okay, Valentine's Day! What a great holiday! I'm just one bad relationship away from being one of those women who have thirty cats and pathetically names them after ex-boyfriends. Hairy Back! Big Fat Liar! Dinner's ready! I had another cat Can't Commit, but he ran away.
Hilda: I know you can do this. You're just not thinking.
Sabrina: Yes, I am. I'm talking, aren't I? Don't you have to think to be able to talk?
Hilda: No. Parrots talk.
Sabrina: So now I'm a parrot. I'm as dumb as a bird. Is that it?
Hilda: That's not what I meant. Besides, parrots aren't dumb. At that show at the zoo, they ride bicycles.
Sabrina: I'm going upstairs. That is, if I can figure out how to use the stairs.
Robin: I'm mortal. The only magic I can do involves mascara and
[swings her blond tresses]
Robin: Lady Clairol.
Sabrina: Look, the point is, it takes years to develop a craft. I mean, look at my aunts Hilda and Zelda.
Josh: Which craft did they develop?
Sabrina: Witchcraft? Who said anything about witchcraft?
Mr. Eugene Pool: Bone is composed primarily of what?
[no one answers]
Mr. Eugene Pool: Come on, it's written on the board behind me.
[still no one answers]
Mr. Eugene Pool: Calcium! I just told you kids five minutes ago, don't you listen?
[the school bell rings and everyone gets their stuff together]
Mr. Eugene Pool: That you heard.
Sabrina: [grabbing the phone from Salem] Give me that! Hello, this is Sabrina Spellman. Really? Something opened up near campus? Does it have four walls and a ceiling?
[frowns]
Sabrina: Nobody got hit by a bus, did they?
[smiles]
Sabrina: Great, I'll take it!
Salem: They take a sip of flat talent, they go flat too.
Sabrina: Great. So I'll just let these go flat, and when I see Harvey and Valerie tonight, they'll drink, and we'll go back to being talentless friends.
Salem: Did you pop one for yourself?
Sabrina: Me? I haven't been affected by having things go my way.
Salem: Oh, please. Little Miss "I'm Too Cool To Do My History Homework."
Sabrina: I had an autograph signing. Okay.
Sabrina: Oh, please, professor, there's a lot more to Amanda than meets the eye. I mean, she's very serious about school.
Amanda: [magically transforms teacher's office into deli] I'll have a banana split, two scoops of vanilla, with chocolate sprinkles.
[smiling: ]
Amanda: Oh, and get a little something for yourself.
Sabrina: [to defendant Roxie] Don't worry, I'll be there to support you.
Roxie: [to her other friend] Yeah, I'll understand, Morgan, if you have an appointment or break a nail.
Zelda: Dr. Terdlington, that is so kind of you. Of course you're aware that it's kind.
Roland: All witches can spin. Just sit down and give it a whirl, so to speak.
Fate: [mysterious trio of cheerleading schoolgirls going through Sabrina's wardrobe] Great dirty denim. If you're a sharecropper.
Fate: And where did you get these earrings? Because I am never shopping there.
Sabrina: Okay, who are you, why are you here, and does Sister Mary Elizabeth know you're skipping class?
Salem: Sabrina,
[nervous chuckle]
Salem: these girls aren't ditching PE.
Fate: We're the Fates.
Sabrina: The Fates? You mean the three girls who manipulate innocent people's lives with cruel, random acts?
Fate: So you've heard of us? Cool.
[holds out hand, chuckles]
Fate: I'm Paris.
Fate: Mackenzie.
Fate: Ashley.
Sabrina: Uh, I hope this is a social call. And you're right, I'm never wearing those jeans again. Am I?
Fate: Ooh, can I tell her why we're here? Please?
Fate: [sneering] Yeah, if I want it to come out all wrong. Mackenzie, go.
Fate: We weave a tapestry of every person's life, and when it's time for that person to die, we snip the thread.
[reaches: ]
Fate: Snip.
[this spiteful gesture is made by Ashley as well]
Fate: [stepping forward] Today was Morgan Cavanaugh's time to die. But we didn't get to snip. Do you know why?
Sabrina: Because of that freaky, unexpected gust of wind? I mean, lucky break, huh?
Fate: You owe us. Big time.
Fate: Huge time.
Fate: [gleefully] Yeah, really big, huge time.
[gets scornful look from Paris]
Fate: Sorry.
[hangs her head]
Zelda: [holding Sabrina as a cat] Is this the cat you're looking for?
Bob: Why yes, what's her name?
Zelda: Sabrina.
Harvey: [to Hilda] She named her cat Sabrina? Doesn't that get confusing around the house?
Hilda: Oh, it's a pretty confusing place in general.
Hilda: Ah ha! You were measuring behind my back. You were going to redecorate Sabrina's room without me!
Zelda: I didn't think you'd mind.
Hilda: Why not?
Zelda: Because you're a kind and giving person... And you have no taste.
Haley: So, what do you do for fun?
Amanda: You're looking at the witch who put the hole in the ozone layer.
Sean: Wow,
[patronizing: ]
Sean: I didn't know girls could do stuff like that.
Amanda: Well, you don't know this girl.
[last lines]
Sabrina: [Christmas card from Leonard] Oh, it's a bill. Crumbs on the carpet, $12. Failure to rewind yule log, $9. Rubbing lotion on Morgan, priceless.
Sabrina: I don't know what your problem is. It's nice to help people.
Salem: And what nice things have you done lately?
Sabrina: Me? I do nice things all the time.
Salem: Really? Since you got your magical powers, all I've seen you do is change your clothes and make brussel sprouts disappear.
Sabrina: That's not true and I'll prove it. I'll use my magic to do 3 nice things before the end of school today. Easy.
Salem: Not so easy. Before you shoot your little finger off, you'd better consider the consequences or ter-rible things could happen.
Libby: Okay, you guys can take a break. You can go get a drink of water, and think about how you can be more like me.
Salem: Man! This house is so spotless and germ free Howard Hughes could live here!
Hilda: Zelda, if we could market this stuff, we'd make a fortune!
Salem: Good luck! The FDA will never approve of ostrich saliva. Those pencil pushing bureaucrats have ruined many a dream.
Hilda: Well, we could still sell it in the Other Realm. What do you say, Zeldy?
Zelda: No. I made this formula to cure allergies and end suffering, not to whiten.
Hilda: You ever cleaned a toilet? That's suffering! Besides, you said it didn't even cure allergies.
Zelda: Yet! Medical breakthroughs take time, get off my back! This is why Pasteur broke up with you!
[Leaves]
Hilda: He told me he had to work out stuff with his Mother!
Salem: You gotta hand it to Zelda. She's a pillar of integrity.
Hilda: Yeah. Let's steal her formula!
Sabrina: Well, you'll be happy to know I got kicked out of the Science Club.
Hilda: How come?
Sabrina: Because Libby says I'm not a total geek.
Hilda: I thought you were upset yesterday because she said that you were one?
Sabrina: Yes.
Hilda: There is no pleasing you.
Jill: [both lean over a dead frog] Let's name him. Tad. Tad Pole.
Sabrina: Okay.
[looks down for a moment]
Sabrina: Hey, thanks for asking me to be your lab partner.
Jill: I know what it's like, I was the new kid last year.
Sabrina: So, can I ask you a question? Do you ever feel like you don't fit in?
Jill: Only all the time, but I don't want to fit in. I researched it, and awkward people tend to be much more successful later in life. I look at Libby, I see tragedy.
Gordie: I'm sorry.
Libby: Oh, you are so transferred.
Sabrina: Libby, lay off him. It was an accident.
Libby: It's just like a freak to defend a geek. Maybe the 2 of you can get weekend jobs at the carnival.
Principal: Since it's about ten minutes until school starts, I'm sure you've got some homework you've forgotten or some property to destroy.
Jennifer: Libby, can I sign you up for the Adopt-a-Grandparent programme?
Libby: Actually I came over here to tell you guys about my new community service, it's the Adopt-a-life programme. May I sign you up?
Salem: There are worse places to be during the holidays than with your family.
Libby: It's spirit week at Westbridge. We're playing Eastbridge this weekend and we're number one.
Harvey: Yeah, in turn overs and penalties.
Zelda: Sabrina, procrastination only makes things worse. Ask Hilda about the time-- Well, ask Hilda about any time.
Hilda: I'll think of a comeback for her tomorrow.
Salem: Believe it or not, when it comes to the fairer sex, I'm rather shy.
Sabrina: Is that why you had four different species slap you with a restraining order? I promised myself I wouldn't use magic to solve every little problem.
Salem: Right. Then Saturday night we can rent Steel Magnolias and you can give me a flea dip.
[jumps off the bed, leaves]
Sabrina: [Sabrina thinks the puzzle is complete] Oh, no, there's still a piece missing!
[Looks at the hourglass]
Sabrina: And time just ran out!
Quizmaster: Don't worry. That piece doesn't exist yet. It's Libby's compassion for others. And you have to gradually fill that space by showing compassion for Libby, even when she doesn't show it for you. In other words, learn to work together?
Sabrina: I get it.
Quizmaster: Mmhm.
Sabrina: And by the way, could this lesson be any more heavy handed?
Quizmaster: Well, I could've been behind a pulpit! See ya.
[Disappears; the Libby puzzles turns into Libby herself]
Libby: What... is going on? What am I doing here?
Sabrina: Oh, you just came by to see if I needed a ride. I don't.
Libby: I would not! I'm getting out of here.
Sabrina: Uh, wait, Libby. Are you okay?
Libby: I'm fine. Once again, weirdness reigns whenever Sa-freakna's around.
[Leaves]
Sabrina: Oh, yeah. Sympathy for Libby. Piece of cake!
Sabrina: You should know I have these two really weird aunts.
Jennifer: But I like weird. I love weird. I bask in the glow of weird. I...
Harvey: [interrupting] You know I think Jenny will fit right in. Aw!
Jennifer: That was me.
Valerie: I can't suck on TV. You'd think I'd be good at humiliation. It's just another thing I failed to master.
Drell: Skippy man, where do you pick up these strays? Don't look so sad. You know you can't have a mortal, you didn't feed the last one.
Zelda: I can't believe you tricked me into letting you go to that party.
Sabrina: Well, now that Aunt Hilda's gone, why don't we just blame it all on her and call it a night? Ha.
Salem: Marigold and Harold are getting a divorce.
Zelda: I don't believe it. Marigold is splitting up with Harold?
Hilda: Oh, this is the best Halloween ever.
Sabrina: Ah, is it time for Salem to be wormed again?
Salem: No, worse. I have to do community service.
Zelda: It's part of his punishment for attempting global conquest.
Salem: As if being a cat for a hundred years wasn't enough, Zelda had to put me in a pets for prisoners program.
Zelda: I gave you a choice, you could have done highway cleanup.
Salem: Yeah, cats do real well on highways.
Zelda: Stop complaining and get your wormy little butt down stairs in 2 minutes. It's time to pay your debt to society.
Salem: Can't I just write a cheque?
Sabrina: I get to vote. I get to vote.
Salem: And I don't.
Hilda: Salem, you're a convicted felon.
Zelda: Not to mention a cat.
Salem: But I wanted to vote to change the pronunciation of Friday to "Fridyah".
[last lines]
Muffy: [opening door] Hi, Sabrina.
Sabrina: Muffy, are you all right? I mean, your message was kinda garbled on my machine. Something about a stalker?
Muffy: [handing Sabrina back her cat] I found him pawing through my lingerie drawer.
Sabrina: I'm so sorry. He's a sick, sick animal. But... that'll change once I have him fixed.
Salem: Meow?
[as Sabrina carries him off]
Salem: You... you were joking, right?
[nervous laugh]
Salem: Right?
[she grins with mischievous intent]
Salem: Hey, this isn't the way home!
Sabrina: Guys, I really don't feel like going out like this.
Morgan: Are you kidding? If I had a figure like that, I'd wanna show it off. Heck, I'd be married to an eighty-year-old billionaire by now.
Sabrina: So if you're Santa, how come you're not chubby?
Bob: Oh, combination of cardiovascular exercise and a little weight-training. Could be that tapeworm.
Annie: Let me get this straight. You were all excited about doing this article this morning, now you don't wanna write it.
Sabrina: Well, it's not that I don't wanna write it, it's just that... uh, this is kind of a left-brain type article. And I just happened to sleep on my left side last night, so that side of the brain is really numb. Now the right side is feeling bitter and neglected...
Annie: Oh, can't you just call in sick like normal people?
Sabrina: Well, that would be a left-brain function, so...
Marigold: Amanda darling, when someone gives you a gift you're supposed to say thank you.
Amanda: Fine. Thank you.
[she throws the present down on the ground and it smashes]
Marigold: Now that's verging on rude.
Sabrina: Big deal. What does that bozo know anyway?
Josh: That bozo spent twenty years at Life magazine and shot over fifty covers.
Sabrina: So, who reads Life magazine? People only look at the...
Josh: The pictures!
Sabrina: Salem what do I do?
Salem: Well, hiring a hitman is prohibtedly expensive. So I guess you could just wait for her to outgrow this crush on Harvey.
Sabrina: Why wait when one is a witch? I'll use magic to make her grow up!
Zelda: So when you add the copper to the nitric acid, what will happen? Then Mr. Copper Man marries Mrs. Acid. And they go on their noxious gas honeymoon. You have a question?
Harvey: The bell rang ten minutes ago. Can we go now?
Amanda: What? I'm playing giddyap with Salem.
Salem: Who is it? Please, someone feed me poison.
Hilda: Didn't you once storm out in the middle of a class and never come back?
Zelda: Yes, but that was only because they kept asking questions.
Clerk: Anyone with a friend or a family member up to their neck in quicksand, come to the head of the line.
Hilda: Hey! We've been waiting for hours. We have a boy in a beanstalk about to be eaten by the Wicked Witch.
Clerk: I'll get to that.
Zelda: The gap between the living and the dead is weakest on all hallows eve.
Sabrina: [on phone] Hi, Annie. Sabrina. Spellman? The new girl?
Hilda: I took Belgium once to help Napoleon. Big trouble.
Zelda: Basically, you have to give things back by hand.
Hilda: Which is how I came to participate in a little thing called Waterloo.
Molly: I'm a Molly Dolly
Sabrina: Stop that can't you say anything else?
Molly: I'm a Molly Dolly and I'm going to get you
Sabrina: That's not what I wanted to hear
Sabrina: Emerson, Boston College, Other Realm University, backpacking. Salem, how do you make a decision?
Salem: You've come to the right man. When I was a military leader I made life and death decisions every day and one method never failed me. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe...
Zelda: Sabrina, you don't wanna rely on undo spells. It's not in the spirit of magic.
Hilda: You really have to get it exactly right the first time. Otherwise, there may be side effects. I remember one time, I was making rum balls and I got tired, so I made a make-everything-round spell. Well, let's just say you can thank me for Columbus Day.
Zelda: Now, there's nothing to be afraid of. Dr. Bull is one of the most highly regarded witch psychiatrists around.
Hilda: She's got two doctorates from Other Realm universities and one from Utah State.
Sabrina: And tell me again why I had to sign that lobotomy release form?
Sabrina: So I guess this is it. I'm giving you to your rightful owner. I'm not a cheater anymore.
Trophy: I know. Loser!
Morgan: Yeah, you don't find many full-faceted diamonds with a VVS of two.
Hilda: Sounds like you know your jewelry.
Morgan: [laughs] Let's put it this way. Not only did I have breakfast at Tiffany's, I stayed for lunch and dinner.
Bob: Anyway, I've got a lot of deliveries to make. Ha-ha. Ho, ho, ho-- Ohh! Oh!
Zelda: You are not going anywhere.
Sabrina: Isn't there someone that could fill in? Like a temp service or a cousin?
Bob: Well, there's always Mrs. Claus, but I can't call her. She works for UPS. This time of year, they're real crazy.
Roxie: [worriedly] How far in my diary did you get?
Katrina: [teasing smile] Enough to know that you had a dream about Miles last night.
[goes off]
Miles: [intrigued] Really?
[wants to hear more]
Roxie: Don't get too excited. You were dead.
Sabrina: [beauty parlor treatment] Roxie, this place is so... not you.
Roxie: That's why I've kept it a secret. I know I'm always railing against the beauty myth, but even the most eco-friendly, post-feminist, vegan girl in the world wants pretty toes.
Stan: [now very attentive waiter] So, something to start?
Sabrina: Uh, three lemonades, please.
Stan: I'll squeeze them myself.
[off to the kitchen]
Sabrina: Wow, what got into him?
Roxie: What got into him is what got into you.
[Sabrina and her Aunts enter a beautifully decorated lounge-like Waiting Room]
Sabrina: Where are we?
Hilda: [proudly] The National Institute of Love!
Zelda: [pleased] Normally, it's very clinical, but they go all-out for Valentine's Day.
[one at a time, Sabrina, Zelda and Hilda walk through an arch decorated with leaves, roses and doves. The arch beeps as they pass through and their clothes change to all red for Sabrina, pink and red for Zelda and white and red for Hilda]
Sabrina: Wow. They *really* take their colour scheme seriously.
Sabrina: What are you gonna do to me?
Zelda: Under the circumstances...
Hilda: The only thing we can do.
Sabrina: You're throwing me out?
Hilda: No. I'm moving out.
Sabrina: This is a very odd punishment.
Howard: Hey, how many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a pickle?
Jill: I don't get it.
Libby: You wouldn't.
Coolio: So, erm, well, are you guys um coming to the concert?
Salem: It says it's sold out, can you get me tickets?
Coolio: Sorry, I'm just an alley poster, try a bill board.
Sabrina: [Sabrina walks into her bedroom dressed as "Jack"] Salem, My man!
Salem: [shocked] Whoa, Adolesence is not sitting well with you!
Sabrina: [picks up Perfume bottle] Gonna walk among the guys, see what makes you tick.
Salem: Freeze!
[Sabrina stops]
Salem: Don't squirt that perfume unless you wanna be a boy who gets beaten up.
Sabrina: [Puts down bottle] Man, that was close.
Salem: It's not enough to look like a dude, you have to start thinkin' like a dude. Picked a name yet?
Sabrina: Kirby?
Salem: We're back to getting beaten up here.
Salem: I hate the politics but Brustien on the theatre is a revaluation.
Roxie: [roommates inviting themselves] Sabrina, it's okay. We know how awkward it is to go to a party where you don't know anybody.
Morgan: That's what we're here for. And don't worry, I won't wear my best stuff, so you'll still look pretty.
Sabrina: [as those two go off] Sometimes I swear they are two of the most dense people I know.
Harvey: [eyes locked on TV screen] I wonder if we'll ever have a Canadian president?
Sabrina: Maybe there's a gas leak in this house.
Salem: And once I controlled Eurasia, I was going to advance on...
Sabrina: Oh, Salem, can you hold that thought? I'll be right back; I gotta get some more milk.
Salem: Stay where you are. You're a witch. Look under the M's.
Sabrina: [flipping through her spellbook] Wow, magic milk!
[pointing her finger at her glass, it refills itself]
Sabrina: Cool, it worked! Hey, I could get used to this magic.
Salem: [she starts to take a sip] Hey, share!
Sabrina: Lose something?
Hilda: My mind, possibly. I bought a new pair of shoes. I left them on this table for seconds, and now they're gone.
Sabrina: I'd say they didn't walk off by themselves, but in this house it could happen.
Hilda: I know what happened: Zelda. She's a compulsive neat freak. Back during the plague, she used to get upset if people didn't leave their dead in neat, tidy rows.
Sabrina: Hey, who ate all the Wheat-ios?
Salem: Did you know Addis Ababa is the capital of Ethiopia? Not that I'm trying to change the subject.
Sabrina: I'm revising my Christmas wish list. This year I'm hoping for a computer, a mountain bike... Oh, and this great ski jacket I saw at the mall.
Salem: You're not exactly the Little Match Girl, are you?
Zelda: Those sound pretty expensive, Sabrina.
Sabrina: I know. That's why I prepared a list of backup gift ideas in a variety of price ranges. Gotta go. Oh, and you'll note on the bottom, I've listed the times I won't be around, so you can wrap my presents.
Roxie: [as Miles tries warding her off with a chair] Come on, Miles. It's no big deal. I just want to hold you.
Miles: I empathize with the situation. But intimacy is very frightening to me.
Roxie: [about to pounce] Then get ready to be terrified.
Sabrina: I feel smart and you know what? I learned something. No matter what we're labelled Libby will always be Libby and I will always be me.
Hilda: You had to become a geek to figure that out?
Sabrina: Well, it's actually rather complex. I just put it in layman's terms for you.
Zelda: I have to do that all the time.
Hilda: Oh, so what are you saying, you dumb things down for me?
Zelda: Well, C colon backslash D'ah!
Hilda: Would you speak English?
Marigold: It's still better to be a divorcee than a spinster, right?
Sabrina: You didn't miss anything, except confirmation we live in a rotten, crooked, corrupt, stinking world.
Sabrina: Hey, guys, having fun?
Roxie: I'm standing here with Miles, what do you think?
Miles: If this is the best party of all time, I'm glad I'm a social outcast.
Sabrina: Come on, let's get the party spirit! Bob for something!
Roxie: Okay, I'll bob for the door.
Sabrina: I hate being a witch! I just turned the most popular girl in school into a pineapple!
Hilda: Why?
Sabrina: Because it's the only thing you taught me how to do.
Hilda: Chill. I can fix this.
[taking the pineapple, she goes over to the island and picks up a cleaver]
Hilda: Chunks or rings?
Zelda: Hilda... there are other ways.
Hilda: Wedges?
Hilda: Oh, great. You're just in time for our family dinner.
Sabrina: Actually Doug and I just wanted to collapse in front of the volcano.
Hilda: Then Zelda and I will have a family dinner.
Sabrina: Actually we just saw her on the slopes. I think she's might be night skiing.
Hilda: Great! Then I'll just have a family dinner all by myself.
Sabrina: [going in undercover, with a mini tape recorder to be hidden under her top] Let's do a sound check.
Roxie: Testing, one, two, three.
Sabrina: Four, five, six.
Roxie: [it works] We're live.
Sabrina: [slipping it in place] Victoria's got a new secret.
Roxie: Let's split up.
Sabrina: Roger that. But let's meet at the cinnamon snaps in an hour.
Roxie: Will you stop with the cinnamon snaps?
[first lines]
Morgan: Look, all I'm saying is, you have more hair to wash. You should pay a bigger share of the water bill.
Roxie: Says the girl with the 300-watt makeup mirror.
Sabrina: [very concerned about taking the three True Love Tests] Harvey's super cute and I really, really like him but... how am I supposed to know if it's true love?
Salem: Well do you think about him when he's not around?
Sabrina: [concerned] Yeah.
Zelda: [almost in wonder] And does your heart beat faster when you see him walking down the hall?
Sabrina: [concerned] Yeah.
Hilda: [quite cheerfully] And does it bother you when he chews gum?
Sabrina: [less concerned] No.
Hilda: [cheerfully] Then it might be true love!
[Sabrina stands up]
Sabrina: [confident] I'm taking the test.
[pauses]
Sabrina: [concerned] Is it multiple-choice?
Sabrina: Hate to say this, but I can't wait to get the old Mr. Kraft back.
Zelda: You don't change people's personalities. And if you do, you don't mix it with caffeine.
Roxie: [looking longingly at loving couple Sabrina and Aaron] What I wouldn't give for a guy that forgiving and understanding.
Morgan: Heck, I'd settle for his good looks and money.
Morgan: [as Miles closes in on Sabrina with his detector] There is nothing abnormal about Sabrina. Point it at Roxie.
Roxie: [not amused by such unwanted attention] Maybe Morgan's the one that's not normal.
Miles: [as he aims the gadget at Morgan] I'm getting nothing from you either.
Morgan: Oh, trust me, you never will.
Dr. Hans Egglehoffer: You have a fascinating brain I would love to study it
Zelda: Oh you're too kind
Dr. Hans Egglehoffer: Mind if I take a few measurements?
Zelda: Don't you want to try the cocktail wieners?
Guy: If you like cocktail wieners you'll love our new cheese log made with one hundred percent cheese and fifty percent log
Libby: I chose Jackie because, well, I sort of see myself as the first lady of Westbridge High.
Victor: So... what do you think of the gallery?
Sabrina: [weird-looking art] Oh, I... I like this... uh, tangled chrome thingy. It's too bad somebody left their orange in it.
Victor: I think that's part of the sculpture.
Sabrina: Oh, in that case, I think I may just have eaten a $6 000 banana.
Zelda: [Hilda finishes a piece on the violin] Now take a break, you've been practising that same piece since Mozart wrote it.
Principal: Well, I see you guys took that bad-rehearsal, great-show thing to heart, huh?
Sabrina: [rambling on radio] Great topic, mothers and sons, very complex relationships. From Oedipus to MacBeth to My Mother The Car. Speaking of cars, have you seen the new gas-electric hybrids? They're to die for. To Die For, great movie. Did you know Nicole Kidman's from Australia? Did you know that's where the duck-billed platypus is from? By the way, did you know the duck-billed platypus is the only mammal that can lay an egg?
[Roxie tries to intervene]
Sabrina: Besides the mammal that's laying one right now. So, I'm not very good at this. Let's go to a musical break.
Roxie: Good idea.
[as Sabrina removes her gift of gab]
Roxie: Sabrina, what do you think you're doing?
Sabrina: Trying to be something I'm not.
Zelda: Okay... do you know where to call in case of an emergency?
Salem: THE MONEY STORE?
Zelda: Salem!
Salem: Yes... I've got your pager number.
Hilda: [to Sabrina] This is a secret that's hard for mortals to accept. When I was younger, I was dating a doctor. You've probably heard of him.
Sigmund: [begin flashback] My little apple strudel.
Hilda: Oh, Sigmund.
Sigmund: Are you ready for the opera, my dear?
Hilda: Yes. But first, there's something that I must tell you.
Sigmund: Ah. Something about your childhood? You hate your mother, don't you?...
Hilda: No.
Sigmund: Really? I hate your mother.
Hilda: Today is Friday the 13th, and there's something that I get to share with you. Sigmund, my darling, I'm a witch.
Sigmund: Oh, well, you can be a little testy.
Hilda: No, no. I have real magical powers.
Sigmund: Uh-huh. Can you show me these magical powers?
Hilda: Well, you remember that pocket watch that you admired? For you, Siggy.
Sigmund: Get out of here. Witch. Witch. Take her out of here.
Hilda: We can make it work.
Sigmund: This didn't happen. It was bad knackwurst. Ja, that's right.
Hilda: [back to scene]
[to Sabrina]
Hilda: Once I got loose, I tripped him. You might say it was the first Freudian slip.
Roxie: Sabrina, it's personal.
Sabrina: So personal you can't tell your best friend?
Roxie: Okay, but it's a little embarrassing. You've gotta promise not to tell anyone.
Sabrina: Promise.
Roxie: I'm seeing a doctor.
Sabrina: That's great. Congratulations.
Roxie: No, I'm not dating him. I'm seeing a doctor about possibly having a tattoo removed.
Sabrina: Wow, I didn't know you had a tattoo.
Roxie: That's the secret part. I got it when I was in high school and I've regretted it ever since. I just want it gone.
Sabrina: Uh, does it have some long seedy story behind it?
Roxie: I wish.
[smirks]
Roxie: It says...
[hesitates]
Roxie: This is just between us, right?
[Sabrina nods]
Roxie: You know when you're young and you get obsessed with a band?
Sabrina: Totally. I had a wall full of Nine Inch Nails posters. Which, ironically, I put up with thumbtacks. So what band left that 'permanent' impression on you?
Roxie: Hanson. My tattoo says "I heart Hanson."
Sabrina: I'm guessing you lost a bet.
Roxie: Mm, if only that were true.
Libby: [while digging through Mr. Poole's desk] Stool softener? EWWW!
Vesta: [referring to Sabrina] Such a sweet girl and so hungry for life. Surprising, I mean, with the example you've been setting for her.
Zelda: We are setting a fine example. We have a loving home filled with discipline and responsibility.
Vesta: What about fun?
Sabrina: I bet you guys did stuff like this all the time when you were my age, huh?
Zelda: No, never.
Roxie: [trying out Morgan's fashion] Whoa, cute headband.
Sabrina: That's a skirt. And I'm guessing a great way to meet guys.
Salem: [Sabrina tells Salem about her day with with a "Teenage" Mr. Kraft in charge] He played Smells like Teen Spirit with his nose?
Sabrina: Four verses!
Josh: It's funny how you two became best friends. Didn't she hate you at first?
Sabrina: Roxie hates everybody at first. It's her way of reaching out to people.
Amanda: Okay, let's go down to that club and witch-slap this guy.
Sabrina: Oh, we don't have to go. He was just here.
Amanda: What? What happened? Are you okay?
Sabrina: I'm fine, it's all taken care of. He won't be bothering me anymore.
Amanda: Oh, I'm so relieved.
[hugs Sabrina]
Sabrina: You know, we should make it a point to hang out more often. And not just when one of our lives is at stake.
Amanda: Yeah, I'd like that.
Sabrina: Without can'ts and don'ts it's hard to know where the fun is.
Zelda: I've done it! I'm on the verge of one of the biggest scientific breakthroughs in the history of mankind.
Salem: How incredible!
[to Sabrina]
Salem: You gonna finish that toast?
Zelda: You know that formula I've been working on? I found the key ingredient.
Sabrina: Liquorice?
Zelda: Oh, don't be silly, Sabrina, liquorice won't cure allergies. It's ostrich saliva.
Hilda: [to Sabrina] The hard part is getting them to drool. Give me that.
[Reaches for Zelda's beaker, which smashes on the floor; the entire room is suddenly spotless]
Sabrina: Wow! One drop of that and the whole kitchen is spotlessly clean!
Hilda: I'll say! The walls, the table, the counters...
Sabrina: Salem!
Salem: [Salem has turned completely white] I'm blonde! My IQ just dropped twenty points.
Zelda: [Pointing at Sabrina, Hilda and herself] Blonde, blonde, blonde.
[Pointing at Salem]
Zelda: Dead.
Sabrina: Okay, the inert gases are neon, argon, krypton, leon?
Zelda: There are two realms, the natural and the supernatural, and it turns out that the immutable laws of physics...
Hilda: You're a witch.
Sabrina: What do you mean I'm a witch?
Hilda: You're a witch.
Zelda: Now, you're not alone. I'm a witch. Hilda's a witch. Your father's a witch.
Sabrina: And I suppose my mom's a witch, too?
Hilda: I always thought so.
Zelda: Actually, your mom's mortal. You see, that's why you're here; so that we can teach you to use your magic.
Sabrina: You know, for a second there, you almost made me forget about my first day of school. Thanks. But... now I've got to go catch a bus to take me to my doom.
Roxie: [to Sabrina] You haven't really dated anybody since Josh. We're beginning to think you've forgotten how.
Harvey: Oh, I must've died. But I had so much to give, so much to do. I was supposed to mow the lawn.
Zelda: Now, it shouldn't bother you what Libby says.
Sabrina: It shouldn't but it does.
Salem: Hmm. I knew this day would come. Sabrina, it's time for the talk.
Sabrina: [to herself] Most girls get it from their mothers, I get it from the cat.
Hilda: Ooh, a hot mulled cider!
Zelda: Want some?
Hilda: Let me mull it over.
Salem: What are you making?
Zelda: Sugar cookies.
Salem: With bits of liver?
Zelda: No, sprinkles.
Salem: Yuck!
Sabrina: I'd love to meet the Violent Femmes. When? Where?
Harvey: Well they'll be signing CD's at Music City in Boston tonight at midnight.
Sabrina: Midnight! That's perfect. I have no conflicting plans. But I still have to ask my aunts.
Harvey: Just tell them what I told my parents. It's an astrology field trip.
Sabrina: Don't you mean astronomy?
Harvey: Wow, they're paying even less attention than I thought.
Jennifer: Did you see that? Libby treated me like a human.
Harvey: I'm glad we took a picture because Sabrina's gonna think we pulled a Yeltzin.
Sabrina: I have to find a way to get Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda back together.
Salem: Is there a spell that would force them to share a spleen?
Sabrina: Okay. How about if I find something that they both love and cherish and put it in danger?
Salem: Oh, what are you gonna do to me?
Sabrina: Not you. Me.
Salem: Oh, thank goodness. But I am willing to help. I could push you down the stairs.
Mr. Eugene Pool: Oh! Look, girls, you... you bored your frog to death!
[hands Sabrina the knife]
Mr. Eugene Pool: Well, slice and dice!
[walks away]
Sabrina: [sighs] I hate doing this. If only there was some way I could bring these frogs back to life. I think his heart is somewhere around... here!
[Magic springs from her pointing finger, the frog comes back to life, starts croaking and moving]
Sabrina: Look! Tad's alive! How'd that happen?
Jennifer: Ha! It's Frankenfrog! Hey!
[Frog jumps away]
Jennifer: [Sabrina squeals and goes after the frog]
Jennifer: Mr Pool! Ours is still kicking!
[Still squealing, Sabrina catches the frog]
Mr. Eugene Pool: [Chuckles] Mike from Cadaver Shack's gonna here from me!
Mrs. Chessler: [Libby's bedroom is a mess because of Sabrina and Quizmaster's frantic search]
[From outside the bedroom door, knocking]
Mrs. Chessler: Is everything okay?
Sabrina: Oh, no, the room.
[Quizmaster snaps his fingers and the room is instantaneously tidy]
Mrs. Chessler: [Enters the room] Did you find that book?
Sabrina: Just now.
[Quizmaster zaps a book into Sabrina's hands]
Sabrina: And here it is!
[Chuckles]
Mrs. Chessler: Good! Do you wanna stay and see Libby? You can wait in the garage.
Quizmaster: Don't do it, she'll turn on the car.
Zelda: Um, Sabrina, since Hilda and I have to work, how would you feel about spending the weekend at aunt Vesta's pleasure-dome?
Sabrina: I'd really like that! But I'm afraid if I'm too enthusiastic you wont let me.
Sabrina: [Looking at a photography book] Isn't Annie Leibovitz cool? She knows everybody.
Harvey: Oh, look at this one! Whoopi Goldberg in a bathtub of milk! I wonder if they warmed it before she got in?
Sabrina: I'm sure. She's a star!
[last lines]
Leonard: [as Sabrina sits at her desk wearing open-toed high heels] Nice shoes. Are those Prada?
Sabrina: Oh, they're knock-offs. Fraud-a.
Leonard: The wedgie style really... shows off your arches. And the strap, uh, hugs the curve of your instep.
[smiles,: ]
Leonard: Has anyone ever told you you have stunning toe cleavage?
Sabrina: [humors him, smiles] No. Thanks.
[as Leonard sits there as if butter cannot melt in his mouth, hidden camera, aimed at Sabrina's feet, clicks underneath her desk]
Sabrina: Leonard! Hand that over!
[he dashes off, with her in pursuit]
Sabrina: Since when do we have a periscope in the kitchen?
Hilda: You've lived here two years, you never noticed it? Teenagers.
Zelda: Sabrina doesn't know how to seal her spells yet, so... the popular girl is not a fruit.
[Libby returns to human form]
Zelda: There. All better.
Libby: What am I doing in your house?
Sabrina: You... came over for a visit.
Libby: I would not. You did something to me. You sent me somewhere. It was small and smelled like Hawaii.
Zelda: Relationships are hard enough when you're completely honest. You start hiding things, you're taking a risk, but it's your choice. I can't make the decision for you.
Zelda: We're sorry Amanda's taken over your room, but we can't turn our backs on family.
Sabrina: Oh, I wouldn't turn my back on Amanda. Ever.
Hilda: [wearing her cuirass] Look, it still fits and it's great for lounging around the house.
Zelda: That doesn't count as a use.
Hilda: Why not?
Zelda: No one wears metal after labour day.
Zellary: And Frankly I think it's time for Allan Greenspan to step down.
Gordie: I couldn't agree with you more.
Sabrina: Well, that was a fun conversation. Now can we talk about anything else? Music? Cars? Food?
Morgan: [Santa's reindeer headdress] I'm Vixen.
Sabrina: It's too early to tell but there is a chance that for the rest of my life I will fear math. I will sweat every time I have to calculate a tip. I will put off balancing my cheque-book. I will play blackjack but I will not understand it.
Judge: If you understood it, you wouldn't play it.
Sabrina: Oh, no. I gotta get to school.
Salem: Some people just don't know how to enjoy being sick.
Sabrina: We were just studying.
Morgan: Yeah, right.
[singsong: ]
Morgan: Like I've never used that one before.
[goes off]
Sabrina: Relax. I was just helping him catch up with his classes. He's about halfway through, now it's up to him to go the distance.
Roxie: Speaking of which...
Sabrina: I'm not a witch!
Roxie: Excuse me?
Sabrina: I'm sorry. I'm really tired. Did you say something?
Zelda: [to Sabrina] Don't worry. He performed his first operation at 2.
Dr. Brickman: I even supervised my own birth. I'm a complete professional.
Zelda: Sabrina! Oh, thank goodness. No one was injured.
Harvey: How do we sound?
Zelda: Stay in school.
Dante: What's the point of hanging out with mortals if you can't torture them?
Evil: I'd kill for some lip-liner.
Evil: You already did.
Miles: [before poker game] I'm going to be shaken down. Visions of grade school.
Sabrina: Well, at least he hasn't put a visor on yet.
[Josh puts on his visor and looks every bit the card shark]
Roxie: The good news is I'm already poor, so I've got nothing to lose.
Salem: You think maybe she's dead?
Zelda: [Sabrina has shown her aunts the Libby puzzle] Sabrina, did you blow up a mortal?
Sabrina: She started it!
Morgan: Sabrina, we have a problem.
Sabrina: [busy keeping the contents of the wardrobe at bay] Uh, the cat did it. He's crazy. I'm thinking about having him put down.
Morgan: No, not Salem, Roxie.
Sabrina: [struggling against forces] Uh, fine, then we'll have her put down too.
Sabrina: I thought you should know I agreed to a rematch with Tai Wai Tse.
Mr. Eugene Pool: That's fantastic. I'm thrilled. Although all future booking's should go through me.
Hilda: He has really got it bad for you.
Zelda: I wish there was some gentle way to let him down.
Hilda: I know what you need. I just saw an ad for it in Modern Witch. It's a new perfume that repels love. Here it is. "Somewhere between disdain and contempt lies Revulsion."
Zelda: Revulsion? Hmm. "Available at Full Moon Beauty Supply."
Hilda: Let's go.
Zelda: We can't. Full Moon Beauty Supply is only open once a month.
Hilda: When?
Zelda: During the full moon.
Hilda: I knew that.
Jenny: You're so lucky your parents are strict! My parents are really relaxed, which makes it hard to rebel!
Sabrina: Billy Johnson? Oh, he was my first crush. He ate a caterpillar just to impress me.
Zelda: So, I hear things are heating up between you and Derek.
Sabrina: Well, let's just say we could melt a glacier.
[first lines]
Sabrina: [practicing, with Salem] Aaron, I mean this from the bottom of my heart: I love you.
Salem: [unimpressed] Nice try. I've gotten more emotion out of my car's navigational system.
Sabrina: You know, I knew it was childish to practice on my cat.
Valerie: [to Sabrina] Look at that. I gave myself two minutes to dismiss you, and it only took one.
Sabrina: And we need a universal truth. Oh that's easy. 'Mr. Pool can be so annoying.'
Sabrina: A bones hardness is derived mainly from calcium phosphate and calcium carbonate with small amounts of fluorides, sulphate's and chlorides.
Mr. Eugene Pool: You listened to what I said, why didn't you raise your hand?
Sabrina: It's never enough for you, is it?
Zelda: I'm starting to feel really weird about the age difference. I mean normally I don't care about these things but Rick keeps bringing up stuff that makes me feel old.
Hilda: Like what?
Zelda: Oh, he keeps talking about how he can't wait for the turn of the century. Big deal, I've done that five times.
Hilda: Oh, and it's always the same. I've partied like it was sixteen ninety-nine, seventeen ninety-nine, eighteen ninety-nine, this time I'm staying home.
Zelda: Exactly. I think I'm going to brake off our relationship.
Hilda: Oh, you haven't even given him a chance.
Zelda: You grow a little facial hair and suddenly you're on his side.
Salem: Dogs guard; cats watch... and judge.
Drell: I'm as giddy as a school girl!
Roxie: Sabrina, Valentine's Day is nothing more than a commercial rip-off. They should just rename it Saint Suckers Day.
Miles: Hey.
Roxie: Miles, tell her that Valentine's Day is nothing more than a bogus holiday engineered by the greeting card industry.
Zelda: You are not allowed to equalise for your own benefit.
Libby: Your aunt asked me to help with your experiment.
Sabrina: What?
Libby: Yes. And I'm going to need to know a few things about you before we begin. Do you know how to add and subtract?
Sabrina: [Sabrina's reflection responding about her gross wart] It's huge! If you took it to a movie it would want it's own seat.
Sabrina: It can take years to develop a craft. Look at my aunts Hilda and Zelda.
Josh: Which craft were they involved in? Which craft were they involved in?
Sabrina: Witchcraft? Who said anything about witchcraft?
Sabrina: If it was up to them I'd stay in my room and never have fun.
Salem: I'm a house pet, it's hard for me to sympathise.
Hilda: Still waiting for someone to say, "Yeah, Hilda, you should go into teaching."
Sabrina: [lugging text books] Gotta get one of those book bags with wheels. Or maybe a pack mule.
Roxie: What's wrong, Perky? First day of Sabrina's Wonderful Life hitting a brick wall?
Sabrina: No, not at all. It's very wonderful. I've only been at college for three hours and already I get to read four chapters of Plato, write a ten-page essay and catch a small arthropod to dissect. Maybe I ought to rethink my definition of the word wonderful.
Zelda: Oh, I'm just irritated with Hilda. Sometimes I feel like I'm living with a small child. Except this child can reach the high cabinets.
Sabrina: You know, maybe you should talk to her. Uh, and I think it would be best if I wasn't around. And amazingly enough, Harvey is willing to take me away to a concert. Oh, you wanna know the time. Friday at 9.
Zelda: Didn't you say you were gonna stay home this weekend?
Sabrina: Possibly.
Zelda: Didn't you say you had a lot of work to do?
Sabrina: You're paraphrasing, but yes.
Zelda: And didn't you promise not to even ask permission to go somewhere?
Sabrina: Heh, that Aunt Hilda's a real pain, huh?
Gordie: Jumping to the end of the millennium, the Science Club will be meeting every day after school to celebrate national science week.
Libby: You mean national geek week.
Sabrina: Well, you know I was just wondering if you'd tried doing any cheers lately? I bet you could.
Libby: Any seal can clap. I am a higher life form.
Sabrina: [rejected too-tame news articles] What if I include the fight over who had the best brownies, the nuts lady or the no-nuts lady?
Mike: You're nuts, lady. Bye!
[waves, goes off]
Sabrina: Hi, Roxy, where have you been?
Roxie: Taking Miles for a driving lesson. He got his permit.
Sabrina: That's great. So how did the lesson go?
Miles: [enters, his hair windswept] I saw my entire life flash before my eyes.
Roxie: Miles, you're never gonna be a good driver unless you learn to drive aggressively.
Miles: By yelling phrases like "Slow down and you'll be mowed down" or "Out of my lane or you'll feel the pain"?
Sabrina: [to Miles] Maybe Roxie's driving style just isn't for you.
Miles: Maybe driving isn't for me.
Sabrina: Sure it is. But maybe you just need a less hostile teacher.
Roxie: [aggressively] Who are you calling hostile?
Sabrina: Sorry.
[as Roxie goes off]
Sabrina: I meant psychotic.
[to: ]
Sabrina: Look, after a few lessons from me, you'll have your license in no time.
Miles: Okay, just promise me that if the crossing guard asks us to stop, you won't flip her the bird.
Sabrina: [surprised] Who would do such a thing?
Roxie: [calling from couch] Hey, school was out.
Sabrina: [after tennis match] Ah, oh, you know, there's nothing like a cup of coffee after mopping the floor with a couple of
[accentuates: ]
Sabrina: losers! Look at them! They can barely walk!
Sabrina: [empty cage meant for a witch] He wants to cage me?
Angus: [caged leprechaun] Oh, boy, we got a bright one.
Josh: [calling up] Hey, Morgan. Are you almost ready?
Morgan: [from upstairs] One more minute! I'm layering my scent.
Miles: I don't even wanna know what that means.
Zelda: Look, I know it's not a pleasant topic, but we need to make sure that our loved ones are adequately taken care of after we...
Salem: Keel over. Buy the farm. Take a dirt nap. Kick the...
Zelda: Salem!
Fabrizio: That's an excellent idea.
Francesca: An excellent idea for you would be to wash and fluff Mr. Chow.
[hands over pampered lap-dog]
Francesca: Julia Roberts just shed all over him.
Hilda: Look, we're really sorry we embarrassed you.
Zelda: And we feel we owe you some fun. So!
Hilda: [Zelda points and a vacuum cleaner appears] Ta-da!
Sabrina: I get to clean the house?
Zelda: No, you get to fly.
Sabrina: On a vacuum?
Hilda: Yes. See old time witches used broom-sticks but vacuums are much faster and more efficient.
Sabrina: [in long queue for test results] I knew we should have shoved our way up to the front.
Roxie: Why? He's handing out English papers, not Macy Gray tickets.
Sabrina: Exactly. I kicked butt on that paper. I wanna collect my A, and slide into the weekend basking in the afterglow of a job well done.
Roxie: Beats my weekend plans helping my mother pick out her new toilet seat, and recovering from the F I'm about to get.
Sabrina: You really think you failed?
Roxie: No, but that way, if I did, I won't be disappointed.
Amy: Besides, I hear there's a door prize.
Sabrina: Yeah, I saw it. It's actually a door.
Sabrina: Something's wrong with me, Aunt Zelda. I conjured asparagus, I got Aunt Hilda's. I tried to conjure a blouse, I got yours.
Salem: Whatever you do, don't conjure anything fur.
Roxie: Ooh, you look different from up close without your makeup, and... uh, apparently, your... wig.
Clive: So, girls, shall we go grab a bite?
Morgan: You go ahead.
Roxie: I... I don't know. I have a lot of... hair to wash.
Sabrina: Hey, Val. You didn't see this tag.
Valerie: Wow, 20 percent off. Hey, with a sale like this, I might be able to afford an even better dress.
Sabrina: Val, this one. I-- I think it's a Presidents' Day sale, and all the other dresses are Canadian.
Roxie: Did you put in fresh batteries?
Sabrina: Yeah, I'm packing two Ds. And believe me, that's the first time I've ever said that.
Hilda: We hope it wasn't too stressful, you know, planning the party, preparing the food, divorcing Harold.
Marigold: No the... what!
Zelda: Oh, we know all about it. The cat blabbed but don't worry, you'll love being alone.
Hilda: Filling your days with romance novels, lean cuisines, internet chat rooms.
Marigold: Oh God, I'm going to be just like you.
Harvey: We had some engine trouble with the Vette on the way over.
Sasha: You drive a Corvette?
Libby: That's Shove-ette.
Harvey: Hey! Same manufacturer.
Libby: Oh, please!
Sabrina: So I'm pleased to say everyone's moved on.
Salem: Not me. I'm staying put. There's an exciting shaft of light on the ceiling that'll keep me here for the next five hours.
Sabrina: [Harvey appears through a floor-level door in the side of the float] Argh! Harvey? What are you doing under there?
Harvey: Soupin' up the engine. This baby'll be able to go ninety miles an hour.
Sabrina: But we're behind the World War Two veterans. Haven't they suffered enough?
Jennifer: Hey, Harvey, over here.
Harvey: Thanks for waving, I might not have spotted you at the same table where we always sit.
Zelda: So that's your plan?
Vesta: Please, I don't plan! I scheme!
Sabrina: I was just trying to help people.
Drell: Help is a 4-letter word like 'Dumb' and 'Move'. Am I right?
Sabrina: Well, first all the people I helped were happy but now only one is and he's happy enough for all 3 of them though. So...
Drell: [interrupting] Now I should explain to you that when I say 'Am I right?' it's a rhetorical question! Because I'm always right.
Sabrina: So are we still speaking to each other?
Harvey: Yes. If we never talk about how bad we played today.
Valerie: I can't figure out what went wrong. Was there something in that hummus?
Sabrina: Let's remember not to let anything like this get in the way of friendship.
Valerie: You mean success? I don't think that will be a problem.
Harvey: I blame Sunset.
[Hilda and Zelda just turned themselves into teenagers]
Sabrina: Your voices don't sound teenage.
Zellary: [in her own voice] We can change that.
[Zelda works her magic]
Zellary: [teenage voice] Is this better?
Hillary: [in a deep manly voice] And how about me? Hee Hee Hee. Oops. Wrong direction
Hillary: [teenage voice] There we go.
Sabrina: So, you think you'll get married?
Edward: [at the same time as Gail] No.
Gail: [at the same time as Edward] Yes.
Gail: Did you say no?
Edward: Yes. Didn't you?
Gail: No.
Edward: You said yes?
Gail: Yes.
Edward: When I said no?
Gail: Yes.
Edward: That's not good.
Gail: No,
Edward: Are you upset?
Gail: Yes.
Edward: Would you like to talk?
Gail: No.
Edward: I think we should.
Hilda: Yes!
Zelda: Guess who's going to be your new substitute teacher. Me.
Sabrina: Great. You know, fitting in is hard enough without someone calling me sweet pea.
Hilda: I thought I was the only one you called sweet pea.
Libby: This is Massachusetts. Why are we having earthquakes?
Principal: Democrats.
Mrs. Quick: Valerie, I read your...
Valerie: I'm sorry.
Mrs. Quick: No. I think your town-meeting idea is wonderful.
Valerie: Really? You're not just saying that?
Mrs. Quick: No, believe me. If I didn't like your proposal, I'd be avoiding you right now. I'm afraid of confrontation.
[Sabrina enters the room and sees Salem sitting at an open laptop pressing the buttons with a pencil in his mouth]
Sabrina: Salem what are you doing?
Salem: Nothing.
Sabrina: [not convinced] You're in a Chatroom again pretending to be a woman aren't you?
[Sabrina takes the pencil out of Salem's mouth]
Salem: [still looking at the laptop] I like the attention.
Sabrina: [closes down the laptop and packs it away] Well, say goodbye. Harvey's here and you'd better start acting cattier.
Salem: [annoyed] Mean.
Sam: Okay, Amanda, what else do you got in that magic bag?
Amanda: [laughing] Anything from cold sores to cold wars.
Sean: Cool. Let me be the first to say, you'd be a real asset to this school.
Haley: And you can help me with the yearbook.
[which doesn't go down well with Amanda]
Sabrina: [caught crawling trying to make her escape] Hey, while I'm down here, you want a pedicure?
[self-conscious giggle]
Annie: Okay, I know I suggested you change your appearance, but I'm not sure the Pamela Anderson look is the image you want.
Sabrina: [referring to her new assets] Oh, these aren't mine. I'm, uh, carrying them for a friend. Gotta go!
[scampers off on too-high heels]
Amy: Quizmaster 72469, are you aware that Sabrina is very unhappy with your teaching?
Quizmaster: Well, she's in high school. She's unhappy with everything. What's going on?
Sabrina: I don't know. Sounds like someone ate the tapioca pudding way past the expiration date.
Amy: Effective immediately, you are terminated as Sabrina's quizmaster.
Quizmaster: What? Bu--...
Amy: That will be all.
Sabrina: Why doesn't anybody age in this realm?
Index: Now where in the Hill comma Sam did I leave my keys?
James: She looked like a bag lady.
Cole: James, I think you're over-reacting. We really don't know anything about Sabrina.
Annie: He's right. I mean, this could be her sad, desperate attempt to give herself a little edge. You know, like when the Bush girls get drunk and make out with Democrats.
Sabrina: Hi, how you been? I've been fine. Let's get this quiz over with.
Quizmaster: The fine art of conversation lives.
Mrs. Quick: You know, I used to respect you.
Principal: Well... Hey, you really know how to hit a guy's sore spot, don't you?
Mrs. Quick: You'll never teach the students values by exploiting them.
Valerie: Uh-oh. Whenever Mr. Kraft makes an announcement in the cafeteria, you open your mouth and get us all in trouble.
Sabrina: That is not true, is it, Harvey?
Harvey: Very true.
Quizmaster: Attention, everyone.
Valerie: Here he comes. Pretend you don't know me.
Zelda: The truth can have painful side effects.
Sabrina: Like what?
Zelda: Itching, chaffing, hurt feelings.
Sabrina: Sounds like gym class.
Sabrina: [Yule logs burning on wide-screen TV, and she wears high heels] You know, nothing says Christmas Eve like warming my toes in front of a picture of a fire.
Sabrina: I have to get that carafe.
Salem: Yes, and be careful, 99.
Sabrina: What?
Salem: You are so young.
Zelda: Salem, I hope you've learned your lesson. It's wrong for a cat to cry wolf.
Josh: Sabrina's upset because they're evicting everyone at the Mayflower.
Morgan: That's awful! And you worked so hard on your little article.
[tries: ]
Morgan: I think that somebody needs to treat herself to a new pair of shoes.
[looks meaningfully down at Sabrina's]
Morgan: Seriously.
Vesta: Welcome to the Pleasure-dome. Ah, leave your cant's and your don'ts outside. We have only one rule here. No mortals.
Sabrina: I love being a witch! I don't know what made the council change their minds, but I got to do the whole day over again! And now the teachers think I'm smart, the jocks think I'm cool, oh, and I'm going to the movies with Harvey and Jenny Saturday night. Whoo hoo! I'm normal! Gotta go tell the cat.
Hilda: [amused] Teens.
Zelda: What about them?
Hilda: Just in general.
Harvey: Word's out that there's a party.
Valerie: Wow, I actually got the word first? Looks like my popularity standing's on the rise. I am delusional.
[in a song walking on the beach together]
Kevin: I like to think about you / you like to think about me / we're just like birds of a feather / 'cause we're havin' so much fun together
Sabrina: I'm gonna kill my aunts for this
[sings along]
Sabrina: We have fun, it's true / in everything we say and do / but a girl really needs to know if a guy's just a friend or if he's her beau
Kevin,30546: That's why I like to think about you / and you like to think about me / rain or shine / in any kind of weather / you and I are havin' fun together
Zelda: Maybe if we're nice to Merlin, he'll feel sorry for us and let us go. So let's not antagonise him.
Hilda: Good plan. Dead magician walking.
Merlin: How is everyone? Got everything you need?
Salem: No, no, we're fine. Now that I think about it, I could use a little freedom.
Merlin: So have you decided to love me again?
Zelda: I'd rather lick a dead seal.
Hilda: Am I the only one who remembers the plan?
Merlin: Excuse me...
Hilda: Oh, shut up, conehead. It can't be done.
Chip: [leaving] Don't make me get ugly!
Roxie: I'm afraid that ship has sailed.
Rules: Rule number eight hundred and three: For every rule, there is a loop-hole. In fact there are more loop-holes than rules.
Salem: So the next time you're abroad, remember my simple rule, Kielbasa and sauerkraut, yes. Kielbasa and menudo and haggis, no.
Principal: It looked like your book bag was just floating behind you.
Sabrina: Ha, ha, wouldn't I love that?
Principal: But I... All right, that's the last time I buy Minoxidil out of somebody's trunk.
Salem: How about a palm-sized digital camera? Not for me, but a friend who's fallen on hard times. We'll call him Salem.
Roland: I've changed careers. I'm an equaliser. By the way, you look lovely.
Sabrina: A what?
Roland: An equaliser. You take from someone, I take from you. It evens things out in the universe. And this job has dental.
Sabrina: One more door and we're out of here.
Drell: [collects a pamphlet and offers it to Sabrina] Not so fast. The next test is really dangerous. Our insurance carrier requires you read this pamphlet.
Sabrina: [takes the pamphlet and reads the cover] "So You're Going To Be Frog"?
Zelda: [comforting] I'll go over it with you honey.
[Zelda takes Sabrina aside, Hilda sits on a big sofa and Drell quickly moves next to the sofa's right arm rest]
Drell: [gladly] What 'cha thinking?
Hilda: You're asking *me*?
Drell: [gladly] Yeah!
[Drell gets up and moves to the sofa's left arm rest]
Drell: Can't a... guy ask a girl what she's thinking?
Hilda: I was just wondering... do you think our old flame is still burning?
Drell: Well there's one way to find out.
Hilda: You still have it?
Drell: Yeah. No one bought it at the garage sale. It's over here.
[Drell shows Hilda a heart-shaped cabinet with two gold horses with wings on its doors on a nearby table]
Hilda: [moves to the left side of the sofa] You open it. I'm afraid to look.
[Drell opens the doors one at a time, revealing a lit candle]
Drell: Yes! The old flame is still burning!
Hilda: After all these years!
Drell: You could warm *soup* over it!
Hilda: Maybe what we had *was* special.
[stands up]
Hilda: [proudly] I'm gonna take the test of True Love!
Drell: [stands up] For me?
Hilda: For us.
Drell: [happily] I'll be waiting!
Hilda: [excited] Maybe this could be the beginning of something wonderful!
[Hilda runs over to Door #1]
Tai: I can't keep this trophy, even though it comes past my knee. I haven't earned it. It'd be meaningless.
Sabrina: It's more annoying than meaningless.
Sabrina: [after Amanda has been subjected to Growing Up spells] So now that you've blossomed are any older and wiser.
Amanda: I sure am! Wise enough I'm wanna stay a kid as long as I can.
Sabrina: Wonderful!
Amanda: And since I'm a kid, I don't need a boyfriend!
Sabrina: Perfect! I have finally done a spell and it turned out the way it should!
Amanda: And in the spirit of staying young, I'm gonna cut your hair.
[Amanda points at Sabrina and cuts her hair with magic]
Sabrina: [examines her shorter, messed up hair] See? Perfect spell! I needed a new haircut.
[Sabrina chuckles, turns around and enters the house]
Sabrina: [screams] AUNT ZELDA!
Zelda: You know it's great having supernatural powers but for some things, we could really use a man around the house.
Roxie: [as the newcomer dances merrily about, jumping up and down] Stay right there, I'll call 911.
Sabrina: Oh, I'm sorry, this must look really strange.
Roxie: No, I was gonna go with psycho, but it's your call.
Sabrina: You must be Roxie.
[holding out her hand]
Sabrina: I'm Sabrina, your new roommate.
[the gesture is ignored]
Sabrina: I'm sorry if that was your CD player. I was just so excited I couldn't stand still.
[Roxie just leaves]
Sabrina: This place is so cool.
[switches off music]
Sabrina: I've never lived on my own before. And I just know college is gonna be the best experience of my life.
[Roxie's door slams, and she realizes she's been talking to air]
Sabrina: Okay, maybe the second best.
Zelda: You're gonna be late.
Sabrina: So? I'm a witch. Can't I just turn back time?
Hilda: Uh-uh. No. A witch can't change time. That's one of the rules.
Sabrina: You're kidding.
Hilda: Nope.
Sabrina: [hurrying out] Gotta go.
Hilda: You also can't get rid of cellulite.
Sabrina: [Sabrina and Mrs. Doohicky, Mrs. Quicks Clone, run into the real Mrs. Quick] Substitute teacher I don't think she looks like you at all.
Mrs. Quick: The psychic was right I was separated at birth
[as Sabrina and Mrs. Doohicky leave quickly]
Morgan: [has her eyes on British band's drummer] You know what? I am gonna go send him an e-mail.
[runs up the stairs]
Roxie: Just wait. In five minutes, she'll ask for an English-to-British dictionary.
Sabrina: [guilt trip on bus] Oh, my God, I'm the worst person in the world!
The: Now you're catching on.
Sabrina: So what are we supposed to do, just fly around up here, wallowing in our misery forever?
The: Well, that's entirely up to you. Once you work through your guilt trip, I'll let you off the bus.
Chad: [offering to Sabrina] You want my last cracker?
Sabrina: Oh no, I couldn't. I'd feel too guilty.
The: Oh, it's gonna be a long trip.
Sabrina: What do I do?
Zelda: First thing is hear me say you're in trouble. And the next thing is get Mrs. Soon here quick. I mean, get Mrs. Quick here soon.
Sabrina: How? I can't trust my finger. It's all stuffed up.
Zelda: Then do it the mortal way, and drink fluids.
Sabrina: Mortal way? Okay, I need a blindfold and a gun.
Sabrina: Yeah, her musical talent is a wonderful gift. And she needs to bore other people with it.
Mr. Eugene Pool: You forgot the mitochondria. It's the powerhouse of the cell.
Mr. Glass: We're talking about a very bloody war. Why are you smiling?
Sabrina: Because I've been desensitized by popular culture?
Mike: I'm taking my wife to a play, and being the romantic that I am, I'm picking her up afterwards.
Salem: [appears on windowsill, observing her struggling with instant noodles that coagulated] Wow. So they did save Hitler's brain.
Sabrina: [mildly annoyed] What are you doing here?
Salem: I came to party, but I see no signs of bubbly vivacious coeds. No offense.
Sabrina: You have no clue what college life is like today.
[fixes peanut butter sandwiches]
Salem: I come to learn.
[theatrical: ]
Salem: Teach me the ways of your Animal House.
Sabrina: Well, for one thing, they don't let you stay in your own bedroom. My roommate hates me, and expects me to sleep on the couch. I've tried to talk to her, but she won't even open the door.
Salem: Hmm, let's see, what to do? If only you were a witch!
Sabrina: Forget it! If I wanna go to school in the Mortal Realm, I can't use magic to solve every little problem.
Salem: No wonder you're miserable. You're letting these mortals walk all over you.
Sabrina: [settled in on counter, next to him] Are you saying that because you care, or because you wanna party?
Salem: Uh, six of one, but the point is, you've got the gift of magic. Use it or lose it!
Sabrina: Well, I guess if something is really annoying me...
[zaps Salem away]
Salem: As the official watchcat, I order you to get down.
Sabrina: I'm going up, and don't try to stop me, cat.
Salem: You leave me with no choice than to go with you and protect you.
Sabrina: You're afraid of heights.
Salem: Right. Then you leave me no choice than to wish you well.
Principal: Sabrina, if you do not put together a new team for out academic bowl, you will see my ugly side.
Sabrina: You mean it gets uglier?
Harvey: Wow! A scarf, it's great.
Sabrina: I made it myself.
Harvey: You knit?
Sabrina: ...I made it myself.
Sabrina: [emergency phone call] Morgan, it's me.
Morgan: Oh, if it isn't Susie-Snooty-Society-Snob.
Sabrina: What are you thinking? You just took Gordie's scarf!
Zellary: So? I'll give it back.
Sabrina: No! That means he likes you, and by accepting it, it means you like him. It's the teenage code!
Zellary: It's just a scarf.
Sabrina: You are so naive.
Sabrina: But before you ground me again, I think you should know that the trend these days is to factor in time served.
Game: Say hello to Hilda Spellman!
Hilda: [excitedly dances in] Groovy!
Game: Right guys! Give your best hello to Hilda!
Drell: [proudly] Hi Hilda!
Drell: [deep and sexy] Hilda baby.
Drell: [calls] Yo Hilda!
Hilda: [quite certain] Hi Drells! I think I already know!
Game: Cool your jets. That's not how we play.
Hilda: Sorry.
[Game Show Host gives Hilda question cards]
Hilda: [reads the card] Drell number 2, if you were a condiment, what would you be?
Drell: [mutters] Stupid question.
Drell: [loudly whispers to Drell #2] Ketchup! Ketchup! Say Ketchup!
Drell: [removes his dark glasses] Mustard! So I could... spice up your life!
Hilda: [happily] That's him! That's my Drell!
[a buzzer sounds]
Game: Incorrect! Game's over!
Hilda: [disappointed] Number 3?
Game: No.
Hilda: [stands up] Number *1*?
Game: [insisting] I said it's over!
Hilda: [crossly] No it's *not*!
[Hilda throws down the question cards, turns around and starts to walk towards the Drells, but the Game Show Host restrains her]
Game: Security!
Sabrina: You don't have to go out with Mr. Kraft anymore.
Hilda: I'm seeing him again this weekend.
Sabrina: What?
Hilda: Well, he may be a bad date, but when you live as long as we do, you have a lot of Friday nights to fill.
Zelda: Why don't we just have someone sew us together?
Zelda: Here is a present from your father.
Sabrina: An old book, a black pot... doesn't anyone shop at the Gap anymore? "The Discovery of Magic." Why'd he give me this?
[opening it to where it's bookmarked]
Sabrina: That's why. This old magician looks just like my dad.
Edward: Surprise. It is your dad. Happy birthday, Sabrina.
Sabrina: Wow, Hallmark has gone really high-tech. Can he say anything else?
Edward: I'm not a hologram, honey. I'm just in a different realm.
Sabrina: A different realm? I thought you were at the Toronto Midway Motor Lodge.
Edward: Zelda, Hilda, didn't you explain to her she's a witch?
Hilda: She doesn't believe us.
Sabrina: [closing the book] Not this again. Look, I know you went to a lot of trouble to set this joke up, so... ha, ha, ha. Now it's over.
Hilda: No, it's just beginning. You *are* a witch.
Zelda: With real magical powers. And now that you're 16, you can use them. And you wanted something from the Gap.
Salem: [wired couch with electricity] Come on, Red! It's payback time!
Morgan: Good kitty! Not on the furniture.
[picks him up]
Morgan: And for being so good, I'm gonna give you an extra-special treat!
Salem: And I'm gonna help them pull you down off the moon!
Morgan: You can join me on the couch.
Salem: [dismayed croak] What?
Morgan: Now I'm gonna get some popcorn for me, and some liver treats for you. I'll be right back.
[as Salem struggles to avoid being put on the couch: ]
Morgan: It's all right. Momma says it's okay to be on the furniture right now.
Hilda: Why did you bring him along?...
Zelda: So we could use the car-pool lane.
Sabrina: So you think you guys really need some time apart?
Zelda: Yes, after five centuries of living together, we're starting to get on each other's nerves.
Hilda: We haven't bickered much since we picked opposite sides in the Civil war.
Sabrina: So why are you two going to the same spa?
Zelda: They had a two-for-one special.
Hilda: But we have separate rooms. We're not even gonna see each other.
Hilda: You said she didn't say no.
Sabrina: Which was true. Technically.
Dr. Bull: What say we have a chat with your inner child?
Sabrina: Hey, I recognise you. You're always encouraging me to run with scissors.
Dr. Bull: Tell me, inner child, what do you like most about Christmas?
Inner: All the presents.
Dr. Bull: Do you enjoy being with other people at Christmas?
Inner: If they bring me presents.
Dr. Bull: Thank you. That will be all.
Inner: Where's my presents?
Sabrina: [on a deckchair by a swimming pool] Hello? Anybody? Is this a test for patience?
Zak: [climbs out of the pool] Hey.
Sabrina: Hi.
Zak: Uh, is anyone sitting here?
Sabrina: No. Go ahead.
Zak: [takes the towel and dries himself] Great. I'm Zak. So, are you here to take the test?
Sabrina: Yeah. I wish they'd hurry.
Zak: [lies on the deckchair next to Sabrina's deckchair] Ah, could be a while so you should just relax.
[Zak stretches]
Zak: Sun feels good, huh?
Sabrina: Yeah. It's kinda cool to lay by the pool in the middle of February.
Libby: Oh, come on, I've laughed at enough people to know when I'm being laughed at.
Roxie: [exasperated] Do you hear yourself when you speak?
Morgan: Depends on what I say.
Sabrina: You know Libby, my mortal enemy? The albatross around my neck? That stinky-faced meanie?
Zelda: Yes.
Sabrina: That's the Libby you've become friends with. And now you've asked her to be my tutor?
Zelda: Honey, I simply...
Sabrina: Wanted to publicly humiliate me? I mean, I understand. Why not? I can't figure out this chemistry problem and I can't even think about trying to pass my elements test. Man, it would feel great to just disappear.
Zak: Those sunglasses are great on you. You look like a blonde Audrey Hepburn.
Sabrina: [amazed] I love Audrey Hepburn! Which one of her movies is your favourite?
Zak: Well I'd have to say "Sabrina". I just love the name.
Sabrina: [removes her sunglasses] You're kidding! That's *my* name!
Zak: [interested] Wow! Uh, so... Sabrina... are you hungry?
Sabrina: I hadn't thought about it, but I guess maybe a little.
Zak: How about a piece of delicious chocolate cake?
[Zak points at the table and a slice of chocolate cake on a plate magically appears]
Sabrina: [turns to face the table] Wow! It looks amazing!
Zak: [turns to face the table at the same time as Sabrina] Oh, it is.
[Zak picks up the plate the chocolate cake slice is on and offers it to Sabrina]
Zak: Here, have a little bite.
Sabrina: [as Zak takes a piece from the cake slice with a fork] I dunno. I had a pretty big muffin earlier.
Zak: [insisting] Ah, come on! One little taste couldn't hurt.
Sabrina: That's true.
[Sabrina leans forward to taste the piece of chocolate cake]
Zak: You look really pretty tonight.
Sabrina: [moves back] Wait! You're trying to make me forget about Harvey, aren't you?
Zak: Harvey? Who's Harvey?
Sabrina: [realising what the test is] Oh ho-ho! You're a sly one!
[Sabrina gets up]
Sabrina: But I CAN'T eat cake when Harvey's in trouble!
Zak: [gets up] Yes you can!
Sabrina: [getting angry] No I can't!
Zak: [harshly insisting] EAT IT!
Sabrina: [angry] No!
[a unseen bell dongs and an unseen audience cheers]
Zak: [disappointed] That was the test. You passed.
Sabrina: [excited] I did? Woo-hoo!
Zak: [offers the piece of cake] How about one bite? To celebrate?
Sabrina: [smartly] What do you take me for?
Miles: [with his brand-new paranormal detector] Okay, I've checked out all the bedrooms and closets. And, Morgan, while you have an interesting selection of hosiery, I detect no supernatural activity.
Morgan: You went looking for poltergeists in my underwear drawer?
Miles: For your own protection.
Sabrina: Okay, play-time's over. Put down the toy and start drying.
Harvey: Actually, Libby, I don't dance.
Libby: Excuse me? This is a dance. Guess what we do here?
Harvey: Well, you see, for me, dance is sort of a metaphor.
Libby: For what?
Harvey: I don't know. Something else?
Zelda: You know, I was thinking, when we finish with the tree, that we could roast some chestnuts the mortal way.
Hilda: Oh, good grief. What's next? Driving to the store?
Morgan: [gasps as rocker chick passes by] That was Avril. She's headed for the bathroom.
[jumps up]
Morgan: I'm gonna ask her to sign my napkin.
Sabrina: Roxie, please go with her and keep her from crawling under the stall.
Roxie: You're right. We don't need a repeat of the Aretha Franklin incident.
Dr. Bull: Conjures things from others, narcissism. Based on these symptoms, one would conclude that you're suffering from egotitis.
Sabrina: Me? I'm not the one with the wall full of diplomas.
Dr. Bull: Attacks when provoked. It's a textbook case. You're behaving like a little girl.
Sabrina: Am not!
Sabrina: [Trying to be nice] You know, Libby, I have to admit, your side of the float is looking pretty good.
Libby: I'm glad you're willing to state the obvious.
Sabrina: Oh, well, I... I'm going to accept that as a compliment.
Libby: Then you could use a dictionary!
Sabrina: Your name is Albert? You never told me your name is Albert.
Quizmaster: You never asked. That's not fair. I assumed your name was Quizmaster and the fact that it was also your job just was a happy accident.
Amanda: My parents let me eat ice cream whenever I want. My nanny said it would rot my teeth so I put her in a jar.
Sabrina: You know you should really find other ways of dealing with people.
Amanda: What's that supposed to mean?
Sabrina: Just that, you know you don't have to put everyone you don't like in a jar.
Amanda: That's what my psychologist said, so I put him in a jar.
James: [photographer] All right, Roxie, I think we're about done.
Roxie: Done? We haven't even started. We've only shot coy Roxie and pouty Roxie. My fans deserve to see serious Roxie and sporty Roxie.
[goes off]
James: I got a Roxie I'd like to show them. Autopsy Roxie.
Zelda: Now let's move on to a meditation. Assume the lotus position.
Hilda: Can we assume I've assumed the lotus position?
Zelda: Now let's chant. Ommm!
Zelda: Ommm!
Sabrina: Ummm, what do we do now?
Zelda: We empty our minds.
Hilda: That I can do.
Zelda: Now release your burdens and lighten your load.
Sabrina: Ommm!
[levitating]
Sabrina: Ommm!
[getting higher]
Hilda: Zelda!
Zelda: What?
Sabrina: [reaching the ceiling and cracking her head] Aw! I thought you said this was low impact?
Sabrina: What are we doing?
Harvey: I think this music is supposed to psych us up but it's not exactly 'We will rock you.'
Quizmaster: Well, I missed you and the way you always loathed seeing me. I think maybe I got self-esteem issues.
Sabrina: This is great. I mean, not your self-hatred. The Witches' Council said that you can quiz me again.
Zelda: [as screeching laughs erupt] Oh, that noise! It's worse than nails on a blackboard.
Sabrina: I think it's great. I haven't seen Aunt Hilda this happy since she went water-bed shopping with Casanova.
Harvey: [after an accident] Is everybody ok?
Sabrina: Well, I didn't hear a voice say, "Sabrina, step into the light," so I guess I'm ok.
Sabrina: [repeated line throughout series] Gotta go!
[when rushing off]
Harvey: The school's having a battle of the bands. And I signed us up.
Sabrina: I didn't know we were a band.
Harvey: Every group had to start somewhere. Usually in a garage. We can leapfrog that and start in the gym. What do you say?
Valerie: We could have cool outfits.
Sabrina: We could work on dance moves.
Valerie: Put together a light show. I always wanted to be in a band.
Sabrina: Me too. We're in.
Harvey: Great.
Sabrina: So does anyone here actually know how to play an instrument?
Zelda: If you don't enjoy yoga, you don't have to do it.
Hilda: It's easy for you to say, you're winning.
Zelda: There is no winning and losing in yoga. It's different from other sports.
Sabrina: It's more spiritual, and you can't get hit in the face with a ball.
Sabrina: I'm not very good at this. You told me the 23rd time is the charm.
Zelda: You'll learn to control your magic. At the very least, you'll always be able to garnish a ham steak.
Sabrina: One more try. Salem into apple.
Salem: I think that's enough for one night.
Hilda: The cat's right. Wrap it up. You've got school tomorrow.
Sabrina: I'm a witch and I still have to go to school?
Zelda: Mm-hmm.
Sabrina: Unfair! Hey, maybe I'll turn Mr. Pool into...
Hilda: No, now be careful pointing your finger at people. It could be dangerous.
Sabrina: You're pointing at me!
Hilda: I have the safety on.
Sabrina: This trips not gonna be any fun. I mean I don't even know how to ski.
Harvey: You could take lessons.
Sabrina: Oh, great! So I get to study on my vacation.
Magic: Pick a card! Any card! And I will amaze and astound you.
Libby: You mean bother and bore me.
Morgan: [viewing disheveled circus-clown mess Roxie made of her hair] I love it.
Roxie: [voice breaking] You do?
Morgan: Yes! And it... and it's only fair that I return the favor and do yours.
Roxie: [waves it off] Oh, that's really not necessary.
Morgan: Oh, yes, it is.
[Roxie runs off, with Morgan in pursuit]
Phil the Dog: No, don't leave me with these losers! One's as dumb as dirt, and the other one has the personality of a limp noodle!
Hilda: So did you finish your project?
Sabrina: No.
Zelda: Did you start your project?
Sabrina: No.
Mrs. Scott: [to her cat] Mandy, what happened to your diamond collar?
[as Salem scampers off to audition wearing jewel-encrusted choker]
Hilda: I have the worst luck with men, even the ones made out of dough.
Hilda: I'm gonna go make you some nice noodle soup.
Zelda: I put that under C, for chicken. Or was it P, for poultry?
Sabrina: Hey, Aunt Hilda, you know how you're always looking for new ways to bring in people to the coffeehouse?
Hilda: You mean, like last week when I started that rumor that Brad Pitt had been spotted here?
Sabrina: That was a rumor? I worked extra shifts!
Hilda: Oh, there really is one born every minute.
Zelda: I think he's too young for me. He's so excited about the turn of the century.
Hilda: I know, really. I partied like it was 1699, 1799, 1899 - in 1999, I'm staying home.
Libby: [Ren and Stimpy is on the TV] I thought we were gonna party, not watch stupid cartoons.
Brian: Shhh! I missed what Ren said.
Guy: He's going to "The Muddy Mudskipper Show". I've seen this one three times.
Gordie: Yeah, it really holds up, doesn't it?
Libby: I can't believe this is what you guys do for fun.
Salem: Bah, humbug!
Sabrina: Salem! What are you doing here?
Salem: I couldn't stand the thought of Cousin Ira staring at me, so I stowed away in your suitcase. By the by, you might wanna run a lint brush over your unmentionables.
Sabrina: [flatly] Alright. Let me have it. You hate this place, right?
Amanda: I don't know. Beats living with stepfather number 19.
Sabrina: [shocked and surprised] Amanda, that is the most positive thing you've ever said! You must really like it here!
Amanda: Well, it's the first I place I ever felt I belonged.
Sabrina: If you get accepted here, you don't have to be shuttled back and forth from realm to realm. You could really find some stability here and turn your life around.
Amanda: Yeah it all *sounds* good, but I learned a long time ago not to get my hopes up.
Duck: I'll put in a good word for ya, but it may not carry much weight. I'm an umbrella!
Sabrina: I'm so at peace with what's happened between me and the quizmaster. I believe everything happens for a reason.
Salem: And that's why we call this stage denial.
Zelda: Hi, sweetheart. How you feeling today?
Sabrina: I can't believe quizmaster hasn't had the decency to call me after all the mean things he said?
Salem: Welcome, anger.
Zelda: Well, maybe you two just need a little time away from each other.
Sabrina: [toaster dings] Hey, I bet that's a letter from him. Get to the real grovelling parts.
Zelda: No, it's from the Witches' Council. It says they're temporarily out of quizmasters, so you'll have to be home-schooled.
Sabrina: Well, I'm sure you'll be an even better teacher than the quizmaster.
Zelda: I'm afraid I'm too busy substituting to do it. It's your aunt Hilda.
Hilda: You know what we haven't played in a long time? Goofy golf.
Sabrina: No!
Salem: And let's give a big warm welcome to sadness.
Zelda: This is Merlin's castle. We better get out of here.
Hilda: Yeah. For a guy who wears a dress, he's a real misogynist.
Mr. James T. Rothwell: Your honour, I'm not a baby-sitter. I'm paid to teach math and that is what I do. Yes, I could be more sensitive but let's face it. The world is full of people like me. People who chose favourites. People who don't accept excuses. People who are unfair. Well, life is unfair and I'm just helping my students to get used to that.
Sabrina: I need to find someone but I don't know where they are.
Index: Then you've come to the right place, this is the index and I am the index keeper. Walker comma James T at your service and you are?
Sabrina: Sabrina.
Index: Hm, last name first.
Sabrina: Spellman comma Sabrina J?
Miles: We may only have a few seconds together before the next bell. I need you to sum up your entire being in four words. Go!
Cute: [flatly] Not interested in you.
Miles: Four words on the dot.
[calling out to the organizers: ]
Miles: Can I get a bell, please?
Hilda: No.
Sabrina: Oh, but everyone's going. I even think the custodial staff is coming.
Hilda: No. No fun.
Sabrina: But this isn't fun. It's a matter of survival. If I don't go, I'll be president of the Geeks Anonymous, only I won't be anonymous.
Hilda: Then I hope God grants you the serenity to know that my answer is something you can't change.
Hilda: I think I'm turning into wind. I feel a little breeze.
Salem: That's just the life going out of us.
Sabrina: Let's get out of here. I've had my fill of talking vermin.
Mouse: She so wants me.
Sabrina: I feel so bad about Harvey. I can't believe he's sprained his arm.
Jennifer: I can't believe that's all he's sprained.
Zelda: Oh, Sabrina, I hate to disappoint you but there is no love spell. Love is far too precious to tamper with.
Hilda: You mean too weird, that's why there's no standardised formula, although Calvin Kline came remarkably close with Obsession.
Libby: You do a good deed, you get a little back.
Mr. Eugene Pool: [Sabrina laughing] What's so funny?
Sabrina: Oh, um... the word cochleae.
Sabrina: Why don't you just use your magic to make Geoffrey play better. I mean wouldn't that be a nice thing for him and for us?
Hilda: Yes, but I would never do that.
Zelda: That's right. You must be careful about meddling in mortal's lives. We witches have rules.
Hilda: Who cares about the rules? I just want Geoffrey to keep paying for lessons.
Sabrina: Why am I here?
Quizmaster: Oh, parking ticket? Beheading? I didn't ask.
Salem: If only I had someone decent feeding me lines.
Zelda: May I remind you that I'm the one the director complimented?
Salem: May I remind you that your skirt was hiked up to your nostrils?
Zelda: If that's how my generosity is going to be rewarded, you can just find yourself another quantum physicist to help you push kibble.
[leaves]
Salem: Zelda, don't go. This is my process. I'm a temperamental actor.
[she doesn't listen]
Salem: I have pictures of you and the Brothers Grimm.
Zelda: [hastily returning] All right, let's take it from the top.
Harvey: Wait a minute. How are you gonna quit magic? Go to Witch Watchers?
Jennifer: Well, at least we've filled the sign up sheet.
Sabrina: Yeah, but it's all Harvey and... Mighty Mouse!
Roxie: [waking up on couch upon hearing intruder] Whoever you are, I'm warning you, I have a black belt.
Hilda: Roxie?
Roxie: Okay, it's charcoal, but it goes with the shoes. Hilda, what are you doing here? And what's with your hair?
[last lines]
Salem: [crying as he gets stuck with all the sowing] Wait until PETA hears about this!
Hilda: Are you going skiing again?
Zelda: Yes. Are you reading magazines again?
Hilda: Not today. I thought I'd take it easy.
Zelda: We're finally getting somewhere.
Clerk: Uh-oh. You're in the line for family members encased in stone. You've got a beanstalk problem. That's Window C.
Hilda: No. Window C told us to come here.
Clerk: Well, then you need Window E. That's the window for people Window C incorrectly told to go to Window B. Next, please!
Hilda: Where is the window for people who pull people through windows?
Hilda: A cat is doing an imitation of me kissing my niece's vice-principal. So this is my lowest point.
Morgan: Oh, thank goodness you've come around. I mean, how many times does a girl get to walk down the aisle? Two, three times tops.
Sabrina: Wait until you see my veil! It's like a mini-gown for my head!
[rushes: ]
Sabrina: Salem, I've seen the future, and it's me, dressed as a princess.
Zelda: Just let me check. Her 16th birthday started five minutes ago.
[entering Sabrina's bedroom]
Zelda: Oh, look, Hilda. She's levitating. Right on schedule.
Hilda: Let's wake her up and tell her she's a witch.
Zelda: No. Let her sleep. She starts a new school tomorrow. Besides, the first levitation is so special.
Hilda: Yeah, then it gets old real quick.
Zelda: I can't believe our little niece is growing up. Wait 'til Sabrina finds out what new doors this will open for her.
Hilda: Wait 'til she finds out you still get zits when you're 600 years old.
[first lines]
Sabrina: [Salem groans] Whoa, did you just sigh, or are you sitting on an accordion?
Salem: I think I see a grey hair.
Sabrina: What?
[rushes to mirror]
Sabrina: Darn, you know, I knew this job would age me. You know, I'm two weeks away from a blue rinse and bunion pads.
Salem: The grey hair is on me. Don't you think of anyone besides yourself?
Sabrina: Amanda, I have to go to the bathroom.
Amanda: You're not a Betsy Wetsy.
Sabrina: Besides, I don't see you going out with a whole lot of guys.
Roxie: I don't see a whole lot of guys asking me.
[guy in hallway looks at her]
Roxie: What's your problem, loser?
Sabrina: I can't imagine why.
Zelda: What's the matter?
Sabrina: What's the matter? I have to be a witch, I have to be a mortal, I have to be a teenager and I have to be a girl all at the same time. That's what's the matter.
Salem: At least you still have your thumbs... and a door on your bathroom!
Harvey: I'm thinking about going as James Dean.
Sabrina: I love James Dean.
Harvey: Yeah, and all I needs a white T shirt, some jeans and something to lean on.
Josh: I'm sorry you guys had to see that. Let's face it, we were never meant to be together. I was probably just another notch in her Gucci belt.
Sabrina: Well, I didn't realise we were friends before, and that's why I need him. I mean, when I think about all the times we've shared together... So that's why I need my quizmaster back with me. Because nothing makes a better teacher than a friend.
Sabrina: See how nicely it blends in with your decor? Which, by the way, is lovely.
Wicked: Oh, thank you. It was designed by I.M. Pie.
Zelda: Drell, please, Sabrina's a good kid.
Hilda: And things are hard on her. Her mother's in Peru. Her father's in a book.
Drell: And I'm in the land of I_DON'T_CARE!
Sabrina: Mr. Gordon thought he needed this to gain people's trust. But trust should not depend on fake hair. Trust should depend on real knowledge, integrity, and accurate reporting.
Hilda: Sabrina, he's on TV news.
Hilda: [Hilda and Salem approach Zelda's lab] The coast is clear! Operation "Find the Allergy Formula, That Also Cleans, Don't Get Caught and Make a Lot of Money" is underway.
Salem: You start looking, and I'll start workin' on a shorter code name.
Sabrina: Salem! Here, kitty, kitty! Oh, yeah, he hates that.
Sabrina: A hundred dollars sounded like so much money.
Zellary: That reminds me, anyone want snacks?
Harvey: Yeah!
Zellary: I brought carrot-sticks and hard boiled eggs.
Gordie: My favourite!
Harvey: [to Sabrina] Who taught her what a snack was?
Kevin: [on porch] I had a really great time tonight.
Sabrina: Yeah, we're on a roll, you know. It's our first night out, and we've already had two dates.
Kevin: [chuckles] So is it too early if I call you tomorrow?
Sabrina: You can call me as soon as I get inside.
[laughs, and he leans in for the kiss]
Libby: I was just in the girls' bathroom. What am I doing here?
Sabrina: Isn't it weird, you're doing something, you're mind is somewhere else, and bam, you're in a gym and you're asking, "How did I get here?"
Libby: How did I get here?
Sabrina: My point exactly.
Haley: Aren't we gonna get into trouble?
Amanda: Hello? We're witches. You people have so much to learn.
Salem: Since I can't ask you for the cream cheese, I'm just gonna stare at you till you give it up.
Morgan: Oh, I hate it when this cat stares at me.
Roxie: [cat's tail towards her] At least you got the end with the eyes.
Mrs. Chessler: [On the phone] I don't care. I don't want Marge in my Bridge club. She's a kook.
[Doorbell rings]
Mrs. Chessler: Have you seen what she calls furniture? Ew!
[Doorbell rings again]
Mrs. Chessler: Hold on.
[Opens front door]
Sabrina: [Sabrina and Quizmaster are at the door; he is invisible to Mrs. Chessler] Mrs. Chessler?
Mrs. Chessler: Yes.
Sabrina: Hi, I'm Sabrina. I'm a... friend of Libby's? And, uh, I left a book here that I came to pick up that time when... you... weren't here.
Mrs. Chessler: Mmhm, mmhm!
[Waves her in impatiently, continues talking on the phone]
Mrs. Chessler: I don't care. I don't want Marge in my house. You're not exactly on my A-list either. Kook.
Sabrina: I can see where Libby gets her meanness from.
Quizmaster: Exactly. And I believe that would be another piece to the puzzle.
[Points at puzzle piece which has appeared, stuck on Mrs. Chessler's back]
Mrs. Chessler: [Still on the phone] Are you gonna cry? Because I'll hang up.
Sabrina: [Sabrina pulls puzzle piece off Mrs. Chessler's back, she turns round] Oh, I was just reminding you that we're... I'm still here. I'll just go get that book now.
Libby: Would you stop smiling at me! Oh you are such a goody two shoes.
Sabrina: That is so true.
Libby: Well, at least you admit it. You know I'd like you a lot more if you'd just make fun of people but I suppose you would never do that.
Sabrina: Mr. Pool can be so annoying.
Libby: That's a start.
Dr. Terdlington: Well, the science biz is so full of phoneys, but I like your fire.
Zelda: Well, actually, I've always admired you. Not your personality, but your mind.
Robert: Why would I tell you, of all people?
Sabrina: Because I unfairly damaged your reputation, and now I just wanna help you. But I can't help you, unless you let me... help you. This isn't helping, is it?
Sabrina: Hey. I don't dump on your lifestyle.
Salem: All I've done all day is eat, sleep and stare off into space. What an awful existence.
Roxie: And don't tell me nothing's wrong. You've been in a funk for a week. Even your perkiness has lost its pop.
Sabrina: That is so not true. I'm at the popping peak of my perkiness. I'm totally funkless. Absolutely nothing is bothering me.
[little black thundercloud moves in over her head, torrential downpour follows, drenching her]
Sabrina: Okay, now something's bothering me.
Roxie: [to Sabrina, who wrote an expose for the school paper] Thanks to you, I have to study Introduction to Bowling Theory for the all-important written portion of my final exam. Then I'll have exactly one hour to throw a bowling ball that doesn't land in the snack bar.
Sabrina: Good the head quizmaster doesn't know you don't know your elements. I'd be dead meat.
Sabrina: It's all about you.
Quizmaster: You know what your problem is? Other students focus on getting it right. You focus on how you don't wanna get it wrong.
Sabrina: Wow, how does it feel to be the most brilliant person in the universe?
Quizmaster: You'd think it'd pay more.
Zelda: Do girls still like musicians?
Hilda: Ever since Mozart's 'Feel the Heat' tour.
Sabrina: You know, every once in a while you could try bringing good news.
Quizmaster: A new Pollo Loco just opened up by my apartment.
Sabrina: I meant good news for me.
Sabrina: Hi, I'm looking for my quizmaster. Well, my ex-quizmaster. Who are you?
Mouse: I'm his roommate. But from the way I clean up after him you'd think I was his mother.
Sabrina: [to party guests] Oh, don't you feel terrible for that poor supermodel outside? The way both her straps just snapped off like that?
[all the men rush out]
Hilda: Oh, no. I knew this day would come. Zelda, there's no music.
[first lines]
Miles: [to new cardboard figure] You're perfect.
Roxie: [entering] And I was worried you'd never meet anybody. Who's the lucky girl?
Miles: This is no girl. This is a woman. The lovely and talented Adrienne Barbeau. Star of the 1982 classic, Swamp Thing.
Roxie: This will be a first. Watching you get rejected by cardboard. Goodman, you're a freak!
Miles: To you. To the 1,200 guys I outbid on E-Bay, I'm a god.
Salem: I can't move.
Zelda: Oh, no, is he hurt?
Sabrina: Fatten Up"? This must've fallen off the beanstalk.
Hilda: Oh! Salem, you didn't.
Salem: I did. Well, don't just stand there. Somebody get me a diet soda.
Sabrina: Grease is 'a' word, not 'the' word.
Morgan: [to Sabrina] Thanks for getting the door. It's in your future. Get used to it.
Zelda: [to Ethan] But you have to factor in, quarks remain forever trapped in the particles they create.
Hilda: I know the feeling.
Zelda: What's that around your neck?
Sabrina: Nothing!
Hilda: It's a gold medal, isn't it?
Zelda: Where did you get that?
Sabrina: Kerry Strugg gave it to me?
Zelda: I know you don't want any aunts spoiling your picnic. Get that?
Sabrina: Got it. Go!
Sabrina: And why are you so worked up about this?
Morgan: Well, for one thing, a guy never wrote a song about me.
Roxie: A guy wrote a song about me once, but he used all four-letter words.
Wicked: You two are dead meat
[yelling to Sabrina and Harvey]
Salem: Back off lady it's the 90's nobody eats mortals anymore
Wicked: And I'll have kitty for dessert.
Salem: Would you look at the time
[jumps off the beanstalk]
Sabrina: I hope you land on your feet
[yells to Salem as he falls past her]
Mr. James T. Rothwell: Look, if it makes you feel better, you can blame this on me but I think we both know these problems start at home.
Zelda: What problems?
Mr. James T. Rothwell: Hey, if the kid can't master the quadratic equation that says to me, dysfunctional family.
Zelda: We function just fine!
Mr. James T. Rothwell: Tell it to her social worker.
Roland: Why did you hit me with that arrow?
Zelda: So that you would see that it's wrong to mess with people's hearts.
Cupid: Unless you're a licensed professional.
Valerie: Sabrina, I wrote a song for our TV debut, but the drummer has a problem with it.
Harvey: Take a look at it.
Sabrina: Valerie, you wrote a song called My Valerie?
Valerie: Wait till you see what he wants to do.
Harvey: I drew up some ideas for a complete new look for the band. That's you and Val.
Sabrina: Why are we dressed like worms? They're brown unitards. It's a comment on an asexual society. And I'm the universal love being, signified by the goat ears and the sleeveless spandex vestments.
Sabrina: Love being?
Valerie: Yeah, but we can't sing about me.
Harvey: I'm trying to change America.
Valerie: Oh, yeah?
Sabrina: Hold it. Why are we fighting? We're friends.
Valerie: Because he has a stupid idea.
Sabrina: Oh, yeah. I am not gonna perform dressed like a bug.
Harvey: This is my band.
Valerie: Your band?
Harvey: A penny saved is a penny earned.
Salem: Don't eat the yellow snow.
Sabrina: Morgan, you're the one who didn't pay your rent?
Morgan: It's not my fault. Daddy put me on a tight budget and I had a couple of emergencies.
[kicks up her new high heels]
Morgan: Prada pumps. I bought them in burnished eggplant and spicy rust.
Sabrina: Well, you'll have to trade them in for some khaki-green hundred-dollar bills, or else you'll be living out on the street.
Morgan: True. But shoe-wise, I'm set for fall and winter.
[smiles]
Morgan: Kevin O'Connor. Tall, artsy. Asked me out. I rejected him.
[realizes: ]
Morgan: Perfect for you.
[gets off counter]
Morgan: Don't worry. I will set the whole thing up.
Sabrina: Oh, no, no, no. You really don't have to call him.
Morgan: Please, Sabrina, it's the least I can do. I mean, I owe you.
Sabrina: [puzzled] For what?
Morgan: You're the one who introduced me to Josh.
Sabrina: Oh, well, in that case, start dialing.
[as: ]
Sabrina: You owe me big time.
Zelda: Sabrina, you're not a rumpist, are you?
Sabrina: A rumpist? What's a rumpist?
Zelda: Someone who judges others by their rear ends.
Sabrina: No. OK, not usually.
Hilda: [to Sabrina] Look at you. Geeked to the gills. This is awful. I blame myself. No, wait, I blame Zelda.
Mr. Eugene Pool: ...And the best way to remember it is, mandible has a 'B' and that stands for bottom.
Harvey: [to Sabrina] But how do we remember maxilla?
Sabrina: It's the other one.
Jennifer: Libby's not popular. She's powerful.
Sabrina: Well, how did she get the power?
Jennifer: She seized it and as long as there are people backing her up, she'll keep it. It's all very Stalin.
Morgan: [chasing cat down the stairs] Salem! I'll get you! Have your lunch with me in the bathtub? Come back here, you mangy little fur ball!
[chases him out the door]
Roxie: What's that all about?
Sabrina: Oh, uh, you don't wanna know. Trust me.
Libby: You said I was going to meet Ethan Hawke.
Nana: Well... you're not.
Libby: So you lied to me.
Nana: Oh, that's a little harsh. In my day we called them tall tails.
Sabrina: What are you doing?
Doug: I was gonna kiss you.
Sabrina: Kiss me? Well, I don't even know you that well. I mean it hardly seems right to kiss someone when you haven't even shaken hands.
Wicked: You see, Harvey, the big guy upstairs doesn't trust skinny people. Or the French. I don't know why.
Salem: Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Why can't you act like a normal family and argue on the front lawn?
Ken: What light through yonder window breaks?
Sabrina: Explosion in the chem. lab?
Sabrina: Why don't you guys go and I'll stay home with Salem?
Salem: Hey, the whole point of a family vacation is so I can get a vacation from the family. Please, I need some down time.
Sabrina: [driver's license preparations] Go and study and don't come back until you can tell me what a flashing red light means.
Miles: That's easy. My ambulance is here.
Edward: It's a magic camera, takes photo's instantly.
Sabrina: You mean like a Polaroid?
Edward: We had the technology first.
Sabrina: [to her aunts] An arranged marriage? How could you sell me out like that?
Salem: [in fear of Aunt Irma] It was you or the omelet pan. Nice choice.
Sabrina: A spinning wheel? What, a loom is too high tech?
Salem: For one kiss I will let you know that embarrassment is cross-referenced in the magic book under Gerald Ford
Sabrina: Hey, thanks, Salem!
Salem: Wait, I didn't do that right.
Sabrina: Now how do I know I'm going to get the real James Dean and not the sausage guy?
Hilda: First of all, the sausage guy is still alive but just in case write 'Star of Rebel without a cause.'
Zelda: [referring to Sabrina as a cat] No, Harvey, she's not for sale.
Harvey: Are you sure? She's the sweetest, most beautiful cat I've ever held.
Morgan: [learns Harvey's Sabrina's ex] And the evening takes a disastrous turn.
Harvey: Don't worry. Now we're just friends.
[to: ]
Harvey: I broke up with Sabrina when I found out she was...
Sabrina: [zaps Morgan frozen] Harvey! What do you think you're doing?
Harvey: I wasn't gonna tell her you're a witch. I was just gonna tell her we broke up when we found out we were going to different schools. Give me a little credit.
Sabrina: And, Morgan, I owe you an apology too.
Morgan: Yes, you're right. There was nothing wrong with Daniel's outfit. It just takes a special person to pull off feathers.
Sabrina: [softly, to herself] Yeah, a chicken plucker.
Sabrina: This is so humiliating.
Salem: You? I'm wearing pantaloons.
Sabrina: No, they called the doctor!
Salem: I was against this plan from the beginning.
Roxie: [entering, as Sabrina is transported from magical sauna onto her bed] You've gotta love a girl who doesn't feel guilty about sleeping in all day.
Sabrina: [the Quizmaster's spell has made it impossible for Sabrina to be apart from Libby] Where are you going?
Libby: To cheerleading practice?
[Raises pom-poms]
Libby: Ready? Get lost!
Sabrina: Hey, you know that would make a really good story for the school paper? A day in the life of a cheerleader!
Libby: But, you despise cheerleaders. And cheerleaders despise you.
Sabrina: You're afraid I'll write a puff piece, aren't you?
[Libby walks away, and Sabrina is pulled along behind her]
Sabrina: Well, look, don't run!
The: Never assume.
Sabrina: Okay, I'm helping mankind and keeping Libby on a short leash.
Nurse: Get me a cold compress.
Libby: Is that all you do?
Nurse: My hands are tied by the state.
Vesta: Well, that's it for today. Forget everything I said. Class dismissed.
Sabrina: Look, I even broke my biosphere. And my magic wont fix it.
Zelda: Oh, I bet it's number 7 plastic. It repels magic and it can't be recycled.
Salem: Don't blame me. I wasn't the one procrastinating by talking on the phone. Eavesdropping was at the top of my to-do list.
Sabrina: I've gotta meet Harvey at The Slicery but now I've gotta change thanks to you.
Salem: Er, since you thanked me, can I ask a favour?
Sabrina: Excuse me, cat? You want a favour?
Salem: Yeah. Can I tag along to The Slicery? I've got a touch of cabin fever and I'd really like to... .
Sabrina: [interrupting] Are you insane? I wouldn't bring you to The Slicery if you were the last person slash cat on Earth.
Salem: Man, what's her problem?
Hilda: You are so self-centred, even for a cat.
Sabrina: Yeah. You see I want us to have a completely honest relationship.
Harvey: Okay.
Sabrina: And the truth is, when I was on my ski vacation, something kind of happened.
Harvey: Oh?
Sabrina: I met this amazing guy.
Harvey: You did?
Sabrina: But he wasn't as amazing as you, and going out with him made me realise I like you better. Okay! Lets go to The Slicery.
Harvey: Sabrina, since we're being honest I have something to tell you, too.
Sabrina: Really? What?
Harvey: If you're ever away and you meet somebody really amazing but you decide you like me better, don't tell me.
Sabrina: Deal.
Harvey: Deal.
Hilda: I've got it! I remember how to turn myself into fire.
Salem: If it involves dried branches and kerosene, it's not really magic.
Zelda: They don't tar and feather anymore, do they? I hated that.
Hilda: You know whose fault this is? That jerk Drell's.
Zelda: Just a thought, but I bet you could convince him to change his mind.
Hilda: Me? I don't think so. Besides, Sabrina's going to be fine. Yes, she'll be ostracized and reviled, but... she'll get over it. The wounds will heal. The scars will fade. You know I can't face Drell!
Zelda: Toughen up.
Hilda: [determined, going through the portal] It's payback time, Drell. I'm coming in!
Drell: Hilda, what are you doing here? Whoa, get your hands off my mole!
Hilda: Well, Salem, your temperature is alarmingly high.
Salem: I'm really sick?
Hilda: Yes, and that can only mean one thing...
Salem: More attention and sympathy?
Hilda: A nice cold bath.
Salem: What? I'm feeling better. I am not an animal!
Zelda: For the last time, when I push, you pull. Got it?
Hilda: Could you be less technical?
Zelda: Oh!
Salem: Keep trimming that tree, and you'll be able to use it in your car as an air freshener.
James: I used to be a spy, you know.
[points to the back of his head]
James: Sean Penn got me right here.
[points to his forehead]
James: P. Diddy got me right here.
[points to his chest]
James: Celine Dion got me right here.
Sabrina: She hit you?
James: No. The song she did for "Titanic" always chokes me up.
Sabrina: Well, in that problem the roots turn out to be round numbers but what if the roots turn out to be irrational?
Mr. James T. Rothwell: Irrational? You mean like teenage girls? Just express those roots in radical form.
Libby: Forget it. Just give me an F. I'm getting an A in typing. It'll average out.
Hilda: Zelda? Zelda! ATTENTION ZELDA!
Zelda: Did you say something? Oh, I'm sorry. I have to present a paper at a big scientific symposium in the Other Realm and I have so much more research to do.
Sabrina: Oh that's okay, I just wanted to tell you about my... Aunt Zelda? AUNT ZELDA!
Hilda: I am really worried about her, she hasn't eaten or slept in days. She's even been too busy to disapprove of me.
Salem: She must be dead!
Mr. Eugene Pool: Sorry, I'm late but my car broke down. I made the mistake of trying to go uphill in my AMC Gremlin.
Harvey: Why don't you just get a better car, Mr. Pool?
Mr. Eugene Pool: Like a Ferrari? Sure, you know what, I'm going to run right out after class and buy one, and I'll pay for it with frustration.
Zelda: And, boy, it is really getting cold outside.
Salem: Here's a tip, try wearing clothes.
Zelda: Hey! What happened to my blouse? It was my favourite...
Sabrina: Green silk one?
Zelda: Sabrina, how many times do I have to tell you to ask before you borrow my clothes? Especially when I'm already wearing them.
Amy: Hello again.
Quizmaster: You two know each other?
Amy: Yes, we've...
Sabrina: We've never met. You must be thinking of my evil twin, but usually she's a brunette.
Sabrina: Salem! You're dyeing your hair?
Salem: [looks like a Christmas tree] I'm just putting in some low-lights.
Sabrina: Oh, I had no idea they made a 'Just For Cats'.
Salem: I had no idea how many shades of black there were.
Morgan: Hi, Sabrina. Oh, what is going on with the cat?
Sabrina: Oh, that, well, uh, I am not gonna color my hair without practicing first.
Morgan: Oh, great idea! Later, I think I'll try my home bikini waxer on him.
[Salem gasps and scampers off]
Sabrina: I gotta get away from my quizmaster or as I like to call him, "If-Evil-Had-a-Face."
Amy: Is that an Indian name?
Sabrina: I'm calling Harvey.
Zelda: Oh, you can't. Mars is in a time zone that's so far ahead of earth it's still yesterday there.
Hilda: If you call Harvey, he'll explode.
Boyd: Well, look at what the magic book can do, this place looks like the Taj Mahal with indoor plummin'.
Salem: Sorry folks, Graceland is closed today.
Maw: You know cat make *real* nice jerky.
[Salem sobs in fear]
Shelley: You're a cat?
Salem: Technically.
Shelley: Who's your friend?
[whipping off Salem's friend's hat]
Shelley: A mannequin! How long were you expecting this to fool me?
Salem: Another 30 seconds.
Dr. Bull: [to Sabrina] I see what's happening here. You're trying to recapture the excitement of Christmas you felt as a child. So you're acting like a child. Or, medically speaking, a spoiled brat.
Zelda: Is that all there is?
Sabrina: [Some pieces of Libby are missing] Box is empty, how can we be missing pieces?
Quizmaster: Didn't you read the fine print?
[Hands the box over to Sabrina]
Sabrina: [Reading box] Some pieces not included in box? What a rip-off!
Quizmaster: I guess you didn't see this either.
[Gives Sabrina an hourglass]
Quizmaster: Now if you don't find the missing pieces and put them in before the sand runs out, Libby will be a puzzle forever.
Sabrina: What?
Hilda: Boy! In the final analysis, the Libby puzzle isn't much fun, is it?
Sabrina: Brady? You're at my school. How do you have time to follow me around?
Brady: I'm your spirit guide. And it's the off season.
Sabrina: Well, I think you should know I've been making amends left and right. I mean right and left.
Hilda: I bet that's our judge.
Sabrina: In the refrigerator?
Hilda: Yes. Witch judges take turns in the deep freeze to prevent media bias. For example, Judge Samuels has been in here since 1956.
Sabrina: Wow! A man untouched by CNN.
Sabrina: You know, maybe I shouldn't babysit anymore.
Salem: You think?
Valerie: I wish he'd ask me to the dance.
Sabrina: Why don't you ask him?
Valerie: Because if he doesn't ask me, I can always assume that it slipped his mind. But if I ask him and he says no, no amount of delusion will fix it.
Sabrina: Tell you what. Why don't I feel him out for you?
Valerie: As long as you're willing to lie about anything negative.
Roxie: Sabrina, I'd wax a baboon if it would make my radio show more interesting.
Sabrina: Then there's a call I have to make.
Salem: Well, you don't have to order me a pizza but make it half sausage, half clams.
Sabrina: Detention? What for?
Principal: New policy. Detention is now based solely on personal resentments.
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