50 Best Suzanne Sugarbaker Quotes

Mary: [the ladies discuss Ursula taking their men's attention] Well, I don't know if we could compete with her even if we wanted to.
Suzanne: Speak for yourself.
Mary: Suzanne, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I saw her bra hanging on the towel rack in the bathroom.
Suzanne: So?
Mary: So you are not top dog anymore.
Suzanne: How do you know?
Mary: Because -- I can get my whole head in one side of hers.
Charlene: Mary Jo! You put her bra on your head?
Mary: I couldn't help it! You know how that fascinates me. Suzanne's cup fits me like a beanie, but Ursula's covered my whole face.
Suzanne: Well, Mary Jo. This just helps to point out the main problem that you people have that I've been talking about. You are not competitive! I mean, here you have this gorgeous girl who gets up at 5:30, cooks your boyfriend's breakfast, then goes jogging with him. And what do you do? You're in the bathroom trying her brassiere on your head! I mean, you're as impressed with her as he is!

Mary: [about Anthony] It just sticks in your craw that he's made partner, doesn't it, Suzanne?
Suzanne: It's nothing personal, Mary Jo. It's just that there seem to be too many chiefs and not enough Indians, and I think things worked better around here when Anthony was an Indian.
Mary: Well, too bad, kemosabe.
Charlene: You know, I never knew what that meant.
Julia: In this case, it translates as "lazy, inconsiderate White woman."

Suzanne: [leaning her chin in towards Julia] Julia, do you see anything else there?
Julia: No Suzanne, I don't.
Suzanne: Good. Cause if I get another one, I'm just gonna have to get a gun and shoot myself through the head.
Mary: Why don't you shoot yourself in the chin? Maybe that way you'll hit the root.
Suzanne: I'm glad you all find this so amusing.
Charlene: Oh c'mon, Suzanne. Don't you think you're being just a little bit shallow?
Suzanne: No I do not Charlene. I don't think it is shallow not to want to go through life wearing a goatee.

[En route to Japan]
Suzanne: And I'll tell you something else. I am not eating octopus, walking around in my stocking feet, or takin' a bath with my neighbors no matter what those little people say.
Julia: It's always stimulating to travel with the international voice of racism.

Suzanne: I would think you would use your popularity and influence for good instead of evil.
Anthony: It's a changing world, Suzanne.
Suzanne: Well, I do not care for it.

Suzanne: [trying to find a dress for the class reunion] Maybe I have gained a little weight. I don't think it's that noticeable. I mean, it's not like I'm going to enter the banquet room followed by a tidal wave. I'll just wear something that, you know, covers everything up.
Julia: Well okay, but you've gained a little weight in your face too.
Julia: Okay that's it! I don't have to take this. If I wanted to be insulted I could have stayed at home and waited for a crank call! Anyway, you all have certainly made your point. I'll just be going now. That is if you think the streets of Atlanta can stand the strain of *both* me and my Mercedes.
Anthony: Hey Suzanne! You're just the person I'm looking for. How would you like to sign up for a two day food fast?
Suzanne: How would you like fat lip?!

Suzanne: Aren't you the person that brought our bags on board?
[Pointing to their waitress dressed as Joan Collins]
Claude: Yes, I am. And I know what you're thinking. You think that this is your wig, but it's not. I've had this wig a long, long time. It just looks very, very similar.

Julia: Just remember, Clareton is not the only school in Atlanta.
Charlene: What are you trying to say?
Suzanne: What she's trying to say is: you're stupid too. I get that all the time. They think just because we got extra help in the boob department, we got skimped on everything else.

Suzanne: I know the name of every man in this city who has money. I know the names of the men who are thinking about having money. As a matter of fact, I even know the names of little boys who are good at playing Monopoly. So don't be telling me about the men who have money in Atlanta, okay?

Suzanne: You know, I'm sorry, but I don't think we like your tone of voice. Who do think you're talking to? For your information, we are the Sugarbaker sisters of Atlanta. We had people living here long before it burned. Our great great grandfather was Robert E Lee's roommate in college. Our other grandfather helped write the Georgia constitution. I, myself, have stood in the rose garden with Jimmy Carter. So, even if we do, on the particular day, happen to have our head temporarily stuck in a fence, we are not going to take any crap off some 2-bit low level bureaucratic usherette.

Suzanne: Well, I just had breakfast at the country club and it's all everyone is talking about. They want to know if we're gonna change the name "Sugarbaker's" to "Bonnie and Clydes."
Mary: Well, I hope you told them it's all just a big mistake, the child in question is in juvenile hall, and Julia has not been charged with anything.
Suzanne: No. I just said that it was her time of the month and her hormones had made her insane.

Suzanne: ...Julia are you kiddin'? If Reese Watson even thought of having a mistress, the very least you would do is blow up his car and burn his apartment to the ground.

Suzanne: [to Anthony] Don't forget to stop by and take care of Noel.
Anthony: Suzanne, let me ask you something. In all the times that you've gone out of town, have I ever forgotten to feed your pig?
Suzanne: No, but she has kind of a new routine, and I don't want you upsetting it.
Anthony: What routine?
Suzanne: Every night we drive around the loop with the top down, and then I put the top up and we stop by the Dairy Queen and she gets a Buster Bar, and then we go home.
Anthony: I'll feed her, I'll bathe her, I'll even walk her -- but I'm not taking a pig to the Dairy Queen!

Suzanne: I got pulled over this morning for having all the mirrors in the Mercedes turned so I could see myself.

Suzanne: Big, black beautiful buck. Hmph. I'm just gonna call the NAACP and turn her name in. I mean, that's a racial slur if I ever heard one.
Mary: And you oughta know.

Charlene: [as Mary Jo and Julia walk in front door of Sugarbaker's] Hey, y'all, were were just talking about you. How was career day?
Mary: Great. There was a big tune out.
[Going over to her desk]
Mary: Julia gave a super talk. I think Anthony was very proud. As a matter of fact, it would have been an almost perfect morning if it wasn't for this one ugly little incident in the parking lot.
Charlene: [Getting up from chair] What ugly incident?
Mary: Oh, it's nothing. Just a couple of hoods got after Julia.
Suzanne: Well, that doesn't surprise me. Hoods love Julia. It's that little sashay in her walk.

[Suzanne modeling a fur pull-over]
protestor: 50 animals died because of that coat!
Suzanne: Wanna make it 51?

Mary: I think we can all agree that Dan Hedgecock has every good quality in the book. There's just one little, tiny thing that's a matter with him.
Suzanne: That he's blind.
Mary: No, that he wants to go out with you.
Suzanne: I'm sorry, but I can't go out with every man that asks me. If I did there'd be a backed up waiting list from about 1972.

Suzanne: I never use catalogs. I'd rather go in the store and see all the salespeople groveling and sucking up to you.
Julia: Pardon me, I never knew they were so solicitous at the K-Mart.

Suzanne: [as Julia & Suzanne board a plane] Where are our seats?
Julia: I don't know, but if history teaches us anything, mine will be next to a baby who smokes.

Charlene: Men like Danny are just not walking the streets.
Suzanne: That's good, because men like him would be bumping into each other.

Mary: Julia, If I could just be more like you. I mean, you can always think of just a million things right of the top of your head and it is always articulate and wonderful. I need you to show me how you do what you do.
Julia: Well, I'm not sure exactly what that is.
Suzanne: Oh get serious, Julia! They don't call you the Terminator for nothing.

Suzanne: I think these pantyhose are too dark for this dress.
Julia: Oh, my goodness. Suzanne, do something. That could be embarrassing. I mean, in 45 minutes when the finest people in Georgia are gathered here before me, I wouldn't want anyone to say, "Did you see that woman with her head stuck in the staircase? Yes. That woman the Governor just stepped over? Don't you think her pantyhose are a little dark for her dress?"
Suzanne: Now, listen, I have a lighter pair right here.
Julia: Suzanne, of all the experiences I would like to avoid, I believe having my pantyhose changed in the front hallway of the Governor's Mansion would rank right up there.

Suzanne: I just can't believe it. Did you all see that? He's got my wig on. That's my wig. He stole it.
Charlene: You sure?
Suzanne: Of course I'm sure. I had that hair grown special for me. I'm just gonna have to report him to the police.
Julia: Suzanne, don't make a big deal of it. Just let him have it.
Charlene: Anyway, he looks real good in it.

Suzanne: What was that like having a hillbilly Thanksgiving? Did you have turkey?
Charlene: No, possom!
Suzanne: Okay, okay, I was just asking.
Charlene: You are always just asking. I curse the day I ever told you we had an outhouse.

Anthony: Mary Jo, Julia, Suzanne, I'd like for you to meet the Atlanta director of Operation World Hunger, Mr. Guy Whitworth.
Julia: How do you do?
Mr. Whitworth: Pleasure to meet all of you.
Anthony: Yeah, I'm driving Mr. Whitworth this evening, and this is our special guest of honor, Derek. Derek is from Ethiopia.
Mr. Whitworth: That's right, he lost his entire family to famine, and now he's traveling around with our organization telling people about it.
Mary: Oh it's so nice to meet you, Derek.
Derek: Hi.
Julia: Do you speak English?
Derek: Yes. I tell people about my country and other countries where all the children are dying because they do not have food.
Mr. Whitworth: 40,000 children every day.
Suzanne: No, that's not true.
Anthony: Oh yes it is, worldwide.
Suzanne: Well that's unbelievable.
Mary: Suzanne, you should read this literature: every 72 hours the same number of people die of starvation as were killed by the Hiroshima atomic bomb.
Anthony: That's two atomic bombs a week.
Julia: Well I don't know why this isn't on the news every night, I can't imagine a bigger story than this, what? Some politician going to prison? Some movie star getting a divorce?
Mr. Whitworth: Unfortunately starvation's an old story, most people aren't even aware. That's why what Derek's doing is so important.
Julia: What a job for a little boy.
Suzanne: [stands up] May I shake your hand?
Derek: Yes, ma'am.
Suzanne: I just want to say I think you're a real neat kid.
Derek: You're pretty.
Suzanne: Thank you, darling, I needed that.

Suzanne: [receiving her award] Well, this is quite a surprise, I guess maybe I deserve this award for The Person Most Changed, but not for the reason you think. Last night I got my feelings hurt because I came to this reunion thinking I was beautiful, and what I find out is that I'm fat, least you think I am. But that isn't the biggest change in me, the biggest change is the old Suzanne wouldn't have shown up here tonight. She would've just gotten thin before the next reunion and then she would've gotten even, but I'm a little older and I hope a little wiser than that person used to be. A lot of things have happened to me, a lot of things have happened to all of us. Sandy Smothers was killed the night before we graduated, Diane Mitchell's got two sets of twins, and Galen Chadwick's working in the White House. We had a lot of dreams together, and there's no point in pretending some of mine came true and some didn't. I met a little boy from Africa tonight, whose family died of starvation, and I realized I'd spent the whole day at home worrying about the fact I have too much to eat. I'm not sure the old Suzanne would've appreciated the absurdity of that, but this one does. So you men want to know my bra size, but I'd rather talk about my heart because it's a little bigger than it used to be. The old Suzanne wouldn't have forgiven you for the things that you said, but this one will because when I look around this room tonight, I don't see receding hair lines and the beginnings of pot bellies and crows' feet, I just see all the beautiful faces of old girl friends and sweet young boys who used to stand on my front porch and try to kiss me goodnight. And you can remember me any way you like, that's how I'll always remember you, and so I thank you for giving me this award for The Person Most Changed, however you intended it. I'm going to treasure it because number one, I love trophies, and number two, I earned it. Thank you.

Suzanne: Julia! Why, you look awful! What happened to you?
Julia: [stumbling down the stares from her hangover] I look awful because I feel awful. And I feel awful because last night Reese Watson and I drank all the champagne in Georgia. Then, we got married.
Mary: You got what?
Julia: Married. You know,husband and wife, bride and groom, *BALL* and *CHAIN*!

Julia: [Suzanne enters the shop, obviously distraught] Something wrong, Suzanne?
Suzanne: Yes, something is wrong. I'm driving down the street this morning, the sun is shining, I'm young, I'm beautiful. I look in the rearview mirror and what do I see? There is a hair growing out of my chin. I mean, have you ever in all your life? I simply could not believe my eyes. Here I am, hardly 30 years old, and there's this hair sticking out right here. It's unbelievable. Obviously, I'm being punished for some heinous sin, like telling Kyle Westheimer's parents that he is, in fact, a bisexual. But all I know is, whatever it is, I did not merit this.
Mary: You told some guy's parents that he's a bisexual?
Suzanne: That's right. I always tell the parents. And I'm not sorry either. I don't believe in bisexuals. I figure the rest of us have to choose, so why shouldn't they?

[Boarding a plane]
Suzanne: Where are our seats?
Julia: I don't know. If history teaches us anything, mine will be next to a baby who smokes.

Julia: [On the phone with Charlene] Hello, Charlene. I just wanted to thank you again for turning me into the judge. Now, the whole jury is sequestered till Lord only knows when, and I am here in Motel Hell, sharing a room with a women with no lips.
Charlene: Julia, I had to do it. We violated that law. By the way, I don't think you're supposed to be making telephone calls. I'd hate to have to report this, too.
Julia: If you are so all fire, heaped up about turning people in, I believe you'll find some overdue library books in my upstairs den. Why don't you just report that too, and maybe you'll get your merit badge, you big 'ole donkey girl scout!
Charlene: Now Julia, you sound overwrought.
Julia: Yeah, well you're going to think overwrought. If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter because of this you're gonna pay and I mean pay big! I'm gonna find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm talkin' about you runnin' around in the woods in the snow with bloodhounds rippin' your clothes off! And remember Charlene, I have your address. You'll be wise to ask yourself do I know where my baby is!
Charlene: [Julia has hung up] Julia! Julia?
[Hanging up the phone]
Charlene: Oh my gosh, she threatened Olivia.
Mary: What did she say?
Charlene: She said she's gonna hunt me down and hire bloodhounds to rip my clothes off. Now I, I- I thought the judge was just gonna give her a warning, I didn't know she'd be shut up in a motel room. Now Suzanne, you know Julia, I mean when this is all over she'll realize I had to do it and, and- and forgive me, dontcha think?
Suzanne: I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell outta town.

[about Nancy Reagan's book]
Suzanne: She said it was a gag gift.
Julia: Well, it certainly made me gag.

Mary: What the heck is that stuff?
Suzanne: It's rice cakes. I started my diet last night.
Mary: You put jelly on them?
Suzanne: Yes. Do you have a problem with that?
Mary: You've been on a diet for 12 hours, and already you're this cranky?
Suzanne: Yes. As a matter of fact, after work, I'll probably be crashing my car into a Taco Bell. What's it to you?
Mary: Nothing. I just hate it when you're on a diet.
Suzanne: Yeah, that's because you're little and tiny and cute. You never have to eat stuff like rice cakes. I oughta just cram this down your throat.

Mary: Could you get fired up and let me watch?
Julia: Mary Jo, I don't feel fired up right now.
Mary: All right. We'll get you fired up. Uh, let's all think of something that really makes us mad.
Suzanne: [Gasps] Oh, oh! I've got one. This just makes me furious.
[Setting down her cup]
Suzanne: You know when men use women's liberation as an excuse not to kill bugs for you. Oh, I just hate that! I don't care what anybody says, I think the man should have to kill the bug!
Julia: [Elegantly] I don't think i can add anything to that.

Suzanne: She's not only old, she's stupid!

Suzanne: What is this 'Littlest Angels' stuff, anyway?
Mary: It's the name of a training bra, Suzanne. I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that.
Suzanne: A training bra? You little people have to train yours and you call us dumb?

Suzanne: Well, I just can't believe she's keepin us waiting so long. I mean, I have better things to do with my time than sitting around waiting for some concubine to fall outta bed. I mean, I could be home watching Green Acres.
Mary: Suzanne...
Suzanne: WHAT?
Mary: I think it's time for you to suck on some more sugarless candy.

Suzanne: [putting her little tiara on her head and toasts toward the bedrooms] Well, girls... happy vacation!

Suzanne: [the ladies debate whether or not to take a job decorating for their client's mistress] I just hate men who think they can have their cake and eat it too. As a matter of fact, I just hate anyone who eats cake.

Charlene: What's the matter?
Kendall: Nothing, you just surprised me, taking my hand.
Charlene: You mean because...
Kendall: Yeah. In the hospital even some of the nurses refused to come in my room.
Julia: [sees Imogene overhearing] Imogene, why don't you take that book over to the counter, hun? I'll be over in just a sec to write up the order.
Mary: I can't believe that, I mean if *hospital* people are gonna act that way, how can they expect the public to behave any better?
Kendall: What I want to know is how'd you guys get so smart?
Mary: Well, we read.
Suzanne: And I went to see Julia's and my family doctor, and he told me that you can't get AIDS from touching anybody, you can only get it from sex, blood products and shared needles.
Mary: I mean it just stands to reason if AIDS was airborne, that somebody would've gotten it that way by now.

Julia: I guess I'm excited about seeing Mother again, visiting a totally new country. Of course, seeing Japan with Mother will be seeing the real Japan.
Suzanne: Julia, I am just here to visit Mother and pick up a car. I do not want to have any cultural experiences. As for seeing the "real" Japan, I've noticed that whenever people start talking about seeing the "real" anything, what they're talking about, basically, is hanging around with poor people. Now, I say I don't hang around with poor people at home, why should I do it on vacation?

Suzanne: Haven't you ever heard of Darwin?
Julia: You mean Darwin Sanders? The man who used to take care of our lawn?
Suzanne: No, Silly, Charles Darwin. Don't you people ever read?
Julia: Yes, Suzanne, yes. We do. But you don't, so I thought... well... go on.

Anthony: I know you can be selfish sometimes. A tiny bit vain, petty...
Suzanne: Anthony, there better be a 'but' coming up around now. I'm starting to feel that these honest, heart felt talks are just highly overrated.

Suzanne: Oh, hey, how 'bout one of them? No, wait, forget it. 2 guys, 1 cart, fresh pasta... figure it out.

Suzanne: Oh, Charlene, that reminds me. I saw two things on TV I gotta tell you about. Now first one is, there was a segment on the news about that league of breastfeeding people you like so much, you know, La Leaky.
Charlene: Suzanne, it's La Leche.
Suzanne: Oh, well. Whatever.

Ursula: [Ursula walks into the dining room where Suzanne is alone] Oh, good morning. I was just gonna get the guys up for a run.
Suzanne: Oh no, I wouldn't do that. Why don't you sit down? Ursula, I'm a very direct person, so I'm just gonna cut right to the chase.
Ursula: Alright.
Suzanne: When we came down here to Florida with the children, we were hoping this would be a wonderful vacation but so far, it hasn't been.
Ursula: Oh? Did I do something wrong?
Suzanne: Well, no, not exactly. It's just that this is a small condo, you're a big girl, and quite frankly, you're just bothering the heck out of people.
Ursula: I'm sorry. I never meant to bother anyone.
Suzanne: Oh, I think, deep down, you might have enjoyed it just a little.
Ursula: Why do you say that?
Suzanne: Because, if I were you -- and in many ways I am -- I would have enjoyed it.
Ursula: I've tried to be unobtrusive.
Suzanne: Ursula, let's get serious. This is not an unobtrusive outfit. I mean, these are not clothes that scream "Yes! My job is taking care of small children!"
Ursula: Well, I could go change.
Suzanne: No, no. I don't think that would help. I think you're one of those people who's... too much.
Ursula: Too much?
Suzanne: Yes. Julia and Charlene and Mary Jo would never tell you so -- they're too nice, but I can tell you because... I'm too much too.
Ursula: I'm sorry. I just don't know what you mean.
Suzanne: I mean, your smile is too big, your heart is too big, and quite frankly, your breasts are too big.
Ursula: What are you saying?
Suzanne: I'm saying I want you to take your big knockers and hit the road if you wouldn't mind.
Ursula: Well, I guess there's only room for one queen bee around here.
Suzanne: That's right. And I'm afraid I'm it.
Ursula: I admire your directness.
Suzanne: I thought you would.
Ursula: Well, I'll just be getting my things.
Suzanne: I'll write you a check. And don't worry. I won't tell anyone about our little talk. I'll just say that you were called home to Denmark.
Ursula: Right.
[leaves the room]

Suzanne: You know, I have never understood why people get so crazy about sex anyway, I mean when you think about it, it's pretty silly, and silly looking too, and it messes up your hair. I don't think it's something we ever would've come up with on our own.
Julia: Why not?
Suzanne: Well it's just got to be hormones, otherwise no rational person would run around trying to link up with other people in that way. I mean when you get down to it, it's just kind of an odd thing to do, don't you think?

Suzanne: [Mary Jo is about to junk her dating tips book] Now wait a minute. That book's guaranteed. I think if it doesn't work, they are supposed to give you your money back.
Mary: Oh, they're going to return my money? How about a refund on my pride and self-respect?
Suzanne: No, those are gone for good.

Suzanne: [packing for a camping trip] Those are all my cosmetic bags.
Reese: No-one's that ugly.

Mrs. Salinger: Now I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, but if these boys hadn't been doing what they do, they wouldn't be getting what's coming to them now.
Mary: Imogene, gays aren't the only ones getting it.
Mrs. Salinger: No, but they're the ones who started it.
Kendall: Actually, nobody knows how it got started. Gays are just one of the first groups it showed up in.
Mrs. Salinger: Yes, and for a good reason. You reap what you sow. And you boys brought this on yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, this disease has one thing going for it. It's killing all the right people!
Julia: Imogene, I'm terribly sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car.
Mrs. Salinger: Why?
Julia: Because you're leaving.
[pulling her towards the door]
Mrs. Salinger: What are you talking about?
Julia: I'm talking about the only thing worse than all these people who never had any morals before AIDS, are all you holier-than-thou types who think you're exempt from getting it.
Mrs. Salinger: Well, for your information, I am exempt. I haven't lived like these people. And I don't care what you say, Julia Sugarbaker. I believe this is God's punishment for what they've done.
Suzanne: Oh, yeah?
[standing up from chair]
Suzanne: Then how come lesbians get it less?
Mrs. Salinger: That is not for me to say. I just know that these people
[pointing to Kendall]
Mrs. Salinger: are getting what they deserve!
Julia: [Raising her voice] Imogene, get serious! Who do you think you're talking to? I've known you for 27 years and all I can say is, if God was giving out sexually-transmitted diseases to people as a punishment for sinning, then you would be at the free clinic all the time.
[Imogene gasps]
Julia: And so would the rest of us!
Bernice: [standing up] I think she makes a good point.
Mrs. Salinger: Oh, who cares what you think? You're not even all there!
[tapping her head]
Bernice: [sighs] Well, as long as we're on the subject,
[pointing at her chest]
Bernice: neither are you!
Mrs. Salinger: Well, Julia. You needn't look forward to any more of my business in this lifetime!
[turning towards door grabbing coat]
Julia: Wonderful!
[opening door]
Julia: I'll close up your account! And another thing, my son has an "A" in chemistry. In fact, he's making all A's in everything - including P.E!
[slams door shut]