The Best Archie Johnson Quotes

Archie: It's an airline boarding pass. Last night, Vegas to Philadelphia, and then to Rome and Sardina. Two passengers, Nanci McGonigle and Vincent Pullone
Nick: Vincent Pullone was the vic's real name, and here after the crime scene, and Nanci MacGonigle's car...
Archie: According to the airline global distribution system, she boarded the flight, he didn't
Nick: He was busy being dead

Gil: [Archie stands up and shakes his legs] What are you doing?
Archie: I've been watching movies for three days straight... my butt fell asleep.

[last lines]
Archie: The tape was pretty mangled. Enhancement and noise cancellation increase intelligibility, but it alters timber and tone. So, I don't know there's any more I can do here. You know, Nick recorded a message on the flip side of the tape. You think maybe we should
Gil: [interrupts] No! This is between you and me.

Greg: [after watching the fanboys denounce "Astro Quest Redux"] So let me get this straight: some nerd takes a cheesy '60s sci-fi show and turns it into something a little more realistic - minus the spaceship, of course - and the other nerds get pissed off enough that they beat him up and kill him over it?
Archie: People don't like it when you mess with their heroes.

Nick: [Archie was talking to Nick about a Star Trek episode] You need a girlfriend.
Archie: You first.

Archie: Later betties.
Hodges: Quitter.
Archie: Glory whore.

Archie: She did a walk out.
Sara: A "walk out"?
Archie: Yeah, my girlfriend does it all the time. She finds something she likes, rips the tags off in the dressing room, hands them to the clerk and walks out wearing the new stuff.
Sara: [smiling] You go shopping with your girlfriend? That's nice.
[Archie smiles]

Archie: They say in America, you're on camera an average of seven times a day. Go to a mall, and you can at least triple that.
Sara: I guess that's good for us. I'm going to think twice the next time I try on a shirt.
Archie: Well, legally, they can't put cameras in dressing rooms, but there's legal, and then there's what people do.

Archie: It was kind of fun being out in the field. Pulling drives, collecting evidence, flashing ID. I think I got a flair for it.
Nick: You bucking for a promotion?
Archie: Not bucking. Nudging.

[after Nick takes Archie to a crime scene at a software company]
Greg: I thought we had a relationship going! What are you doing taking Archie into the field instead of me?
Nick: Right tool for the right job, man.
Greg: What do you mean?
Nick: Hey, Archie? What's that "Star Trek" episode with that guy and the forehead thingy and the time portal...?
Archie: Original, TNG, Deep Space Nine, Voyager or Enterprise?
Greg: Point taken.
Archie: ...Or were you thinking about Farscape?
Nick: I have no idea what you are talking about.

[to Nick about girl in a case]
Archie: Wow, Serena, you can defrag my hard drive any time.

Nick: [while watching an attractive girl undress in a video] Blam.
Archie: You can say that again.
Nick: Blam.
Catherine: Down, boys.

Catherine: Timecode is 06.36 but the alarm rang out at 06.58. That's 22 minutes later.
Archie: What kind of fireman comes before the fire?
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Someone who knows it's coming.
Hard: Mr. Grissom we made a mistake. Can you say it one more time for the camera?
[Gil Grissom stares at him]

Archie: I found this on Anders' computer.
Nick: What is this, a video game?
Archie: No, it's actually an FRPG: "Fantasy role-playing game." You see, players use avatars to represent themselves in a fantasy world. There's Serena, Todd and Kwan in this alternate universe conjuring up a gateway which summons a beast-like Anders who decapitates Kwan.
Nick: You know a lot about this stuff, don't you?
Archie: Mm-hmm.
Nick: You got to get a girlfriend.

Sara: You rang?
Archie: Yes, found the owner of that cell phone.
Sara: Megan.
Archie: Nope. Shiela Latham.
Sara: What is Megan's best friend's cell phone doing in the front seat of her boyfriend's van?
Archie: [singing] If that's your boyfriend, if that's your boyfriend...
Sara: He wasn't last night.

Archie: [about a girl in the case] Oh Serina, you can defrag my hard drive anytime.

Archie: Electrocution through the phone line? I thought that was a myth.
Warrick: This look like a myth to you?

[In the first "game", an explosion occurred in AK's lab, killing him]
David: Think of this exercise as a way for the dead to speak for themselves.
Wendy: But that's not actually what this is.
David: It's a chance for you to be a CSI. The only thing you need to do is answer to simple questions:
Archie: [Opening his eyes and raising his head while "dead"] Who did it! And how!