500 Best Desperate Housewives Quotes

Carlos: What, so you don't get what you want, you just walk off and pout?
Gabrielle: Oh, this isn't about me. This is about our great nation, and I have no intention of statisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for and help spread the ideas and values of the United States of America.

Bree: Is, is that what you would prefer, Danielle? To live with your father.
Danielle: I don't really care, as long as I have my own bathroom.
Bree: Um, all this, um, wine is, uh, giving me a headache.

Yao: I don't like lies.
Gabrielle: Yeah, well I don't like your ironing. So there.

Bethany: Boys have sperm.
Peggy: We need to talk.

Mary: [narrating] Lynette Scavo had a dream that night. It was one she had many times before.
Lynette: Hey! Mary-Alice, are you okay?
Mary: Yes, thank you. I'm fine.
Lynette: Ok! I'll see you later!
Mary: [narrating] But this night, something changed.
Lynette: No, you're not. I can tell. Please, tell me what's wrong. Let me save you.
Mary: You can't.
Lynette: Why not?
Mary: Sweety, we can't prevent what we can't predict!
Lynette: Isn't there anything I could do?
Mary: Yes. You can enjoy this beautiful day. We get so few of them.
Mary: [narrating] This was the last time Lynette would ever dream of me. And for her sake, I'm grateful.

Lee: [as Lee shows a house to potential buyers, the Bolens', who questions why they can afford such a home] Okay, Well, I don't know that this is actually considered a flaw,
[Lee hesitates]
Lee: but a while ago, uh, the lady who was living here - she was apparently going through a rough time - and long story short, she committed suicide.
[long pause as Angie appears to be nonplussed]
Lee: Shot herself...
[long pause as Lee becomes more and more uncomfortable]
Lee: in - in the head.
[Long pause]
Lee: In this room.
Angie: That's it?
Lee: Well, yeah.
[Angie looks to her husband]
Nick: We'll take it.

Beth: [Beth enters the Emergency Room] Hello. My name is Beth Young. I'm here to donate a kidney. I just found out that I'm a match for a friend of mine.
Nurse: [harried and she sighs] I'm sorry, ma'am. You're in the wrong place. You want the transplant office on the fourth floor.
Beth: [Continues speaking as if not even hearing the nurse] These are my forms. I think you'll see they're all completely filled out.
Nurse: [Doesn't even look up as she continues paperwork] Again, ma'am, you want the transplant office. This is Emergency.
Beth: [Continues the conversation] My friends name is Susan Delfino. It's funny. At first, we didn't get along very well. Actually, we never got along. But that kind of thing seems so insignificant when someone is in need.
Nurse: [Becoming irritated, looks up from her work] That's great. Fourth floor, elevator"s down the hall.
Beth: I really don't mean to trouble you but these forms have to get to the right place.
[pushes forms in nurses' hand]
Beth: . I don't want to mess this up. It's the most important thing I've ever done.
Nurse: [patronizing Beth] Okay. I'll take care of it.
Beth: Thank you so much. You're very kind.
[Nurse takes the forms and goes about her business. Beth pulls out the gun from her purse and shoots herself in the head]
Beth: .

Susan: Gabrielle, he's in high school, and it's illegal and you're married. If Carlos found out, this would kill him.
Gabrielle: It's just sex.
[whispers]
Gabrielle: It's totally harmless.
Susan: How could you call something like this harmless? After everything you know about what I went through with Carl?
Gabrielle: This isn't about you.
Susan: Yes, it is. It's about me, and about every other person who was screwed over by somebody they loved.
Gabrielle: Ugh.
Susan: When Carl ran off with Brandi, you saw what a basket case I was. I was crying, I - I was tearing up his clothes, I couldn't get out of bed all day. You were right there. How could you do the same thing?
Gabrielle: Uh, how can you compare me to Carl? That's not fair. You have *no* idea what my life is like.
Susan: Well, why don't you enlighten me? You are beautiful, you have more money than you can spend, and you have a husband who adores you.
Gabrielle: No, he doesn't adore me. He adores *having* me.
Susan: That's a rationalization, and you know it.

Felicia: [referring to the neighbors gathered outside after learning that her sister's body had been found] Look at them all - vultures, pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details.
Detective: I don't know. I think they just want to show their support.
Felicia: Please. Human beings *feed* on misery. Well, we might as well give the people what they want
[grins, then proceeds to address the crowd]
Felicia: Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister Martha would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is... Martha died a violent death. Yes I know. It's hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs... which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial and probably in great pain. But the good news is
[smiles]
Felicia: there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes... to your loved ones.
[heads back indoors, then suddenly turns around]
Felicia: Oh! In lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale day after tomorrow. Please,
[huge grin]
Felicia: no personal checks.

Parker: MOM! We're gonna bake you a cake when the doctor says your cancer's gone.
Lynette: Great! Grab this.
[hands him a sack of rodent poison]
Parker: What's this stuff for?
Lynette: You know that possum that's been ruining our garden?
Parker: [Happily] Yeah, me and Preston named him Scruffles!
Lynette: Don't give him a name, he's not gonna be around much longer.
Parker: [concerned] You're not gonna hurt him are you?
Lynette: Honey, I put up a fence and he burrowed right under it. The man at the garden center said these are crafty creatures and there's only one way to stop 'em.
Parker: So you're gonna kill him?
Lynette: Sweaty let me ask you something. If you had to choose between mommy's beautiful garden and a gross, mean, dirty possum, what would you pick?
Parker: Scruffles!
Lynette: Ok, we're done talkin' here.
[she grabs the bags from him, leaving him looking a little upset]

Carlos: Maybe I should go over and say something to Edie...
Gabrielle: What? Rot in hell you maggot-y whore!

Carolyn: [puts gun to Lynette's head] I'm having a really bad day. Is a little cooperation too much to ask?
Nora: [shakes head "no"]

Bree: MJ there's someone in my life who hits me with a dead squirrel every single day, and you are the only one who can help me. Please, please invite Evan to your party
M.J. Delfino: ...ok.
Bree: Thankyou, oh thankyou sweetheart
[kissed MJ on the head and walks off]
M.J. Delfino: Boy the stuff I do for macaroons.

Tom: Ok, now you're scaring me.
Lynette: Why?
Tom: Look at yourself. You've declared jihad on a possum.
Lynette: This is not a joke, Tom. Something has attacked our home and, when that happens, you don't just stand by. You fight it! Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us! It will not defeat me!
Tom: OK. You do what you need to do.
Lynette: Thank you.

Claudia: Marry a rich man, Marisa, because the only thing guaranteed in life is that the bills will never stop.
Marisa: Maybe you should sell his motorcycle.
Claudia: Your stepfather loves that thing. He'd kill me.
Marisa: But what if he never comes back?
Claudia: Of course he's coming back. Why would you even say that? Did he contact you?
Marisa: No.
Claudia: Then what? Tell me.
Marisa: That woman who bought all that stuff... she came to talk to me. It was weird, but she promised he'd never come back.
Claudia: How would she know?
Marisa: [shakes her head] That's what she said and she seemed pretty sure about it.

Gabrielle: [to Carlos] There was no affair. That was the cop. Ellie caught us putting the bug in her room. That was just an excuse we used as a cover.
Carlos: You expect me to believe that?
Gabrielle: I have news for you Carlos. You're blind. You don't have a choice anymore. You have to believe what I tell you. I know it's not fair. I know it gives me absolute power, but tough! You're screwed! Deal with it!

Bree: Do you remember when you proposed?
Rex: For God's sake.
Bree: We sat on Skyline Drive and drank a bottle of apple wine and when we finished it, you turned to me and you said, "If you marry me, Bree Mason, I promise to love you for the rest of my life". And even though I was engaged to Ty Grant, and even though my Father didn't like you, I said yes.
Rex: That was a long time ago.
Bree: You're gonna cancel the meeting with that divorce lawyer and we're gonna find ourselves a marriage counselor.

Porter: Just so you know, 30 years from now when you and dad are old and feeble...
Lynette: You're putting us in the cheapest nursing home you can find, yeah. I got it.

Lynette: I talked to Mrs. McCuskey and for God sakes Parker, you can't ask people things like that.
Parker: Why?
Lynette: [Grasping for straws] Because, it's rude.
Parker: I said please!
Lynette: That doesn't matter. You gotta quit talking to people about their bodies, and about where babies come from.
Parker: Why?
Lynette: Because it's not an appropriate subject.
Parker: Why?
Lynette: Because it's not.
Parker: Why?
Lynette: Ahh, because it's dirty and wrong and I'll wash your mouth out with soap, that's why!
[he looks shocked]

[last lines]
Mary: Sooner or later, the time comes when we all must become responsible adults, and learn to give up what we want so we can choose to do what is right. Of course, a lifetime of responsibility isn't always easy. And, as the years go on, it's a burden that can become too heavy for some to bear. But, still, we try to do what is best - what is good - not only for ourselves, but for those we love.
[Zach and Julie secretly meet to talk about Susan's forbidding them to see each other]
Mary: Yes, sooner or later, we must all become responsible adults. No one knows this better than the young.

Gabrielle: Did you find out where Zach is?
Susan: No, but I can tell you this much. He's not staying with relatives.

Donna: You should also know, I'm not a lesbian.
Bree: Oh, well, that's nice for you.

Karl: You called me down here for this? It's a kid playing with a soccer ball.
Susan: It's a head and he's stabbing someone with a sword.
Karl: Well maybe it was in self defence!
Principal: Mr Mayer, generally when kids exhibit this type of behaviour, there's a problem
[phone rings]
Principal: excuse me.
[looks at phone]
Principal: I have to take this, sorry.
[walks out of the room talking on the phone]
Karl: Thanks for ratting out my kid on his first day!
Susan: It's not my fault. I showed this to the school pyschologist, she gave it to the Principal. My hands are tied!
Karl: So right away it's Evan's fault? Did you ever consider that he didn't understand the assignment?
Susan: I told the class to draw what made them happy! All the other kids drew kittens and rainbows! Your son drew small intestines on the end of a stick!
Karl: Let's cut to what this is really about. You hate me! And you don't want my son in your class!
Susan: That is not true!
Karl: It is to! You're still punishing me for what happened between us! you're still stuck in the past blaming me for your screwed up life!
Susan: Ok well someone call Guineus because you just set the world record for the biggest load of crap in one sentence!
Karl: Oh bite me!
Principal: [walks back in the room] How long was I gone?
[stares from Karl to Susan]
Susan: Uh this is nothing Mr Hobson. We're just having a difference of opinion.
Karl: Yeah. And my opinion is your teacher doesn't understand the difference between emotional problems and creativity!
Susan: Shut up Karl!
Principal: [to Susan] Excuse me. Did you just tell him to 'shut up'?
Karl: You know this is typical
[gestures with hand]
Karl: "Susan" behaviour and you wonder why no man can stay with you!
Susan: [throws paint in Karl's face as Principal Hobson looks on shocked]
[to Principal Hobson]
Susan: Would this seem any less shocking if I told you we were once married for twelve years?

Susan: [about Juanita] She could take down a small deer.

Gabrielle: What's that?
Bree: It's a letter addressed to Mary Alice.

[after killing Deidre, Mary Alice brings a toy chest from upstairs]
Paul: What are we going to do?
Mary: You said they were pouring the concrete for the pool to mould.
Paul: You can't be serious!
Mary: They'll never find her. We can put her in this.
[points to the toy chest]
Paul: She wont fit!
Mary: Then we'll have to make her fit!
[Mary Alice starts checking Diedre's arm]
Paul: What are you doing?
Mary: Checking for track marks.

Katherine: What are you still doing here? I thought you found a motel room.
Adam: I did, but I wanted to set something straight before I go. I'm not leaving before you want me to, I'm leaving because I'm walking out on you.
Katherine: Oh, is that how we're gonna play this? Fine, whatever, you're leaving me.
Adam: I am, and here's why. You blamed what happened on your ex-husband, and I believed you. You told me it was all his fault, and then I find out it was yours. We are about even in the betrayal department now. In fact, I think you win.

Gabrielle: [to Carlos, discussing their tenant, Ellie] Carlos, I was a fashion model in the 90's, I know cocaine!

Gabrielle: We're an unstoppable team!
Edie: The hottest chicks on Wisteria Lane!
Gabrielle: Oh be nice. There are lots of attractive women on the street!
Edie: Like who?
Gabrielle: How about Bree?
Edie: Uh with that hair colour you could stick a red nose on her and she could join the circus
Gabrielle: Lynette's beautiful.
Edie: Mmm for a baby factory...
Gabrielle: And Susan?
Edie: We're the hottest. Ok?

Rex: Since when do you make mistakes?
Bree: What's that supposed to mean?
Rex: It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making our bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. You're this, this plastic suburban housewife, with her pearls and her spatula, who says things like, "we owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh? I need her. Not this cold, perfect thing you've become.

Renee: It's just hard for me to reconcile this suburban housewife with the girl who had a threesome with two of the guys from the rugby team!

Lynette: Parker, hey, where's your uniform? You've got your game in an hour.
Parker: No I don't, I quit.
Lynette: What?
Parker: I hate baseball! Daddy said I don't have to play it anymore.
Lynette: Well daddy should've checked with mommy so she could have a chance to tell him why he's wrong. Hey, you're playing!
Parker: But mom, I suck! Everybody says so! That's why they made up a fake position for me!
Lynette: It's not fake. There's not a team I know that can get along without their back-up far right fielder! OK, come on, let's go practice.
Parker: [disgrunteled] Ohh!

Aunt: As many of you know I've battled a weak heart for most of my life, and the doctor now tells me that I may only have a few months left.
Gabrielle: [opens a can of drink, as members of the family stare at her] Sorry, bad heart, floors all yours.

Penny: More please!

John: This is great. Got tons of homework tonight. It's always easier to concentrate after sex.
Gabrielle: Well, I'm glad I could help. Education's very important.

Bree: [sighting down the P-08 Luger she has been given] George! This is so much better than an orchid!

Carolyn: Don't look at me that way you know you wanted her dead.
Lynette: How can you say that?
Carolyn: Well you told me about her and your husband after and I made it pretty clear where I stand on whores.
Lynette: I did not want this. Don't you dare say that I wanted this.
Carolyn: Shut up!
Lynette: No I will not shup up! What's the matter with you?
Carolyn: Have you not been paying attention, my husband cheated on me!
Lynette: Who cares! Who cares, we all have pain! Everyone in here has pain but we deal with it! We swallow it and get going with our lives. What we don't do is go around shooting strangers!
Carolyn: She deserved it!
Lynette: Well maybe you deserved to be cheated on!

Edie: Mrs. McCluskey, you're still alive!
Karen: It's nice to see you too, Edie. How long has it been? Five years?
Edie: This is my husband, Dave Williams.
Karen: [to Dave] So, how did you two meet? You run a free clinic or something?
Dave: I'm sorry, who are you?
Karen: Karen McCluskey, Edie's best friend on the street.

Lynette: [to Tom] Throw a dinner party? I don't even have time to wash my face!

Gabrielle: [after Carlos slips Mrs. Hammond a pamphlet about the rehab center, Mrs. Hammond returns her purchases to a somewhat bewildered Gaby] He did what now?
Doris: We talked on the phone this morning and he reminded me of what my husband use to say "Those who do well must also do good"

Mary: [voice over narration] And, for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy. But only for a moment. If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side.

Gabrielle: So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike?
Susan: Yeah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support.
Gabrielle: I can't believe she wormed her way in. How did you let her do that?
Susan: I don't know, I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast.
Gabrielle: Well, you know what you need to do. You need to get there early, spend a little time with Mike before little barracuda gets there.
Susan: That's a good idea. Edie will get there at five forty five, which means her breasts will arrive at five thirty, so I should shoot for five.

Lynette: I'm not surprised that he's playing it close to the vest. Paul knows we're on to him.
Bree: Zach said Mary Alice killed herself because of something that he had done, something bad. Is there anyone else who'd know what he was talking about?
Susan: No. That's why we have to find him. It's the only way we'll know the truth.
Bree: It just doesn't make any sense. Zach is such a sweet kid. I can't imagine him doing anything that terrible.
Gabrielle: Well, he did break into your house. I mean, the kid is obviously troubled in some way.

Bree: I feel awful. I should never have been fiddling with that radio.
Andrew: Radio? Mom, I saw you from across the street. You were checking out Keith's ass.
Bree: That's preposterous.
Andrew: You were looking at that contractor's butt like you were waiting for a side of steak sauce.
Bree: Watch your mouth! This isn't one of your homosexual dance clubs. I'm telling you... it was the radio.
Andrew: Ok... But while we're talking about the radio... you do know that particular model is like 15 years too young for you, right?

Mike: Karl!
Karl: Hey Mike, heard MJ's having a sleepover! I thought I'd hit ya up for an invitation.
Mike: Aren't you a little old for sleepovers?

Mike: [to Susan when he comes home to discover that she wants to have sex with him for the 4th time that day] Oh, God... Susan, I can't. I got nothin' left! I hit my hand with a wrench today, and when I cried, only dust came out!

Orson: [about Andrew] He's here, he's queer, and we're used to it!

Carlos: [after Gaby told Carlos she assumed she had sex with Zach] I can't believe you bagged another neighbourhood kid!
Gabrielle: [Carlos walks away] Where are you going?
Carlos: To warn the Scavo boys!

Mary: Trust is a fragile thing. Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom. But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us, and total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned.

Lynette: [as Tom pulls up the van bringing Kayla to live with them; to the boys] Okay, they're here. Now listen.
[to Parker]
Lynette: Stand up. Kayla has been through a lot, so when she walks in the door, I want you to make her feel welcome, okay? Give her a hug and be really nice.
Parker: I'm giving her my room. How much nicer do I have to be?
Lynette: Well, nicer than that, or she's gonna get all your toys, too.

Jackson: [hits Mike over the head playfully] Oops! Didn't see that coming.
Mike: Just for that, I'm breaking my rule about not hitting girls.

Paul: [asking about selling the house] Will I have to tell them about my wife's death in the house?
Edie: [applying make-up] Yeah. Legal crap. People get really freaked out by suicides. Hell, I get the willies just standing here.
Paul: Is there any other option?
Edie: [applying lipstick] Well, you could say that she shot herself in the house, then crawled out back to die...

Carlos: Hey, Gabby, aren't we breast feeding?
Gabrielle: Oh, honey, if you could swing that one, more power to ya.

Lynette: [about the name of Susan's baby] What says "kick my ass" less: May or Nerd?

Bree: Don't you dare try to turn our son into an intellectual!

Katherine: I tell you if I'm not careful this guy could steal my heart.
Bree: Well if he tries you let me know.

Adventure: [Approaches Gabrielle on the front porch] Hi. What if I told you that there was a way to help children, while reading your favorite magazines at a reduced price? Would you be interested?
Gabrielle: [as she continues to file her nails] Sure. Knock yourself out.
Adventure: Wise choice.
[Reading from her clipboard]
Adventure: For the lady of the house, there's Redbook, Glamour, Vogue...
[Pronounces it "vo-gew"]
Gabrielle: [Pronouncing it correctly] I believe that's Vogue, Sweetheart.
Adventure: Really? Are you sure?
Gabrielle: I should know. I was on the front cover.
Adventure: [Stunned] No. Way.
Gabrielle: Uh, way.

Susan: [breaking into Edie's house] Hello, anybody home? I need to borrow sugar.

Julie: Mom, if you really need something to freak out about, just remember that you're going to spend the night with Mike in a hotel. No man has seen you naked in years, except your doctor.
Susan: And he retired. I try not to take that personally.

Edie: Maybe we should take a break, you know, see other people.
Mike: You're telling me this on a day when I'm put in a man's prison?
Edie: Well I said the timing was bad.

Mary: [narrating voice over] It's a rare man that understands the value of a perfect rose.

Gabrielle: Tell it to my Chinese friend, sue me!

[the twins decide to take a break as soon as a group of teenagers come in]
Lynette: What's going on here?
Preston: Those kids go to our school.
Porter: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDurmot, the guy called me 'Jesus' for a year cause I wore sandals for one day! If he sees me wearing this, I'll never hear the end of it.
Tom: Fine, don't wear the apron.
Porter: No. I'm not gonna wait on a kid who's gonna make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here.
[Tom has a tantrum and slams Porter against the wall, and Lynette breaks it up]
Parker: [looking shocked] Guys, I just sat a twelve-top, who's taking it?
Tom: I will.
[they all look shocked]

Susan: Ooo, love that jacket. Good choice.
Mike: Um, look, Susan, I'm really sorry, but I've got to cancel. I had an -unexpected house guest.

Mary: An odd thing happens when we die, our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell and sound become a distant memory, but our sight? Ah, our sight expands and we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living, if they would only take the time to look.

Orson: [voice over] Tomorrow morning, one of our neighbours will stumble upon a gruesome surprise. The police will conclude that Alma fell from the roof, and when my mother found her, she suffered a stroke. When they search the house they'll find the note that Alma wrote when she faked her suicide and next to it, a bag containing Monique's teeth. In the face of such evidence they'll have no choice but to drop the charges against Mike Delfino.

John: [John and Gabrielle are lying in her bed together after sex] You know what I don't get?
Gabrielle: What?
John: Why you married Mr. Solis.
Gabrielle: Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted.
John: Well, did he?
Gabrielle: Yes.
John: Then... why aren't you happy?
Gabrielle: Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.
John: So. Do you love him?
Gabrielle: [sighs] I do.
John: Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this?
Gabrielle: Because I don't wanna wake up some morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out.

Gabrielle: The way I see it is that good friends support each other after something bad has happened, great friends act as if nothing has happened.
Bree: Well, then, good luck on your remodel.

Susan: Oh, that's right she babysat your kids.
Lynette: Oh, please I don't wanna think of how many times she brought them ice cream from that basement. I mean geez, if you wanna keep your husband on ice, at least have a dedicated freezer.
Susan: Do you think she actually killed him?
Gabrielle: Uh, yeah. Why else would she have hid the body?
Lynette: Well so far all they've charged her with is improper disposal of a corpse.
Gabrielle: Once they defrost the body and do an autopsy, i guarentee you their gonna find a belly full of arsenic!
Parker: What's arsenic?
Lynette: It's just, it's something yucky. Go and play!

[Lynette's father-in-law, Rodney, climbs up the ladder to the roof, from where grandson Parker is not budging. He is afraid to climb down despite Lynette's prior attempts to coax him down]
Rodney: Parker, I got a question for you. It's only one, but it's kind of an important question - a character-defining question, actually. Wanna hear it?
Parker: Hm-hmm.
Rodney: Only a little girl would be afraid to come down the ladder. Now, you're not a little girl, are you?
[Lynette looks askance at Rodney]
Rodney: I'm not looking at a girly girl, am I?
[pouts]
Rodney: [Tom comes back outside]
Tom: [to his father, who's climbing down the ladder with Parker piggy-backing] Wow, you got him down.
[to wife Lynette]
Tom: How'd he do that?
Lynette: Sexism.

Carlos: [to Gabrielle, about Bree] I'd probably cry too if I had to have sex with that woman.

Edie: [to Bree] You could have an affair with anyone and you choose the pharmacist? You are such a Republican.

Rex: So, these "tennis lessons" we're taking, how are we doing?
Bree: My backhand is improving greatly, but you're still having problems with your serve.

Susan: Do you believe in evil, Edie?
Edie: Of course I believe in evil - I work in real estate.

Mary: [Voice over] In names the labels we attach to people tell us everything we need to know.
[as we see Susan paint Maynard's name on his nursery wall as Mike cradles the baby]
Mary: If we say she's just a child does this mean she's truly innocent?
[as we see Kayla ride in the back seat]
Mary: Does calling her a drug dealer prove she's purely evil?
[as we see Ellie wander the streets coat-less and crying]
Mary: Will a man known as preacher always practice what he preaches
[as we see the priest ponder in his study]
Mary: Can a man branded a villain possess the qualities of a hero?
[as we see Orson look at a picture of himself and Bree]
Mary: The truth is a name can never really tell you who someone is
[as we see Wayne throw water in the face of Adam who is tied to a chair]

Lynette: [Parker is coloring] Sweety could you put the crayons down for a second, we need to talk. I talked to your teacher today and she told me about the cookie deal you made with Cindy Lou.
Parker: Oh, are you mad?
Lynette: [laughs uncomfortably] No, not exactly, I'm trying to understand why you did that.
Parker: [Innocently] Tommy Keenan told me babies come from down there, that doesn't sound right to me.
Lynette: Well, actually he's kinda right, he's got the concept down.
Parker: [Innocently confused] That's weird! How does a baby get in there?
Lynette: Daddy will be home from his business trip in a few days, why don't you wait for him?
Parker: OK. Or I can ask Tommy's brother. He's fourteen and he knows everything!
Lynette: [Parker looks skeptical as Lynette draws a picture] ... And then the mommy and the dadd because they love each other so much, they hug real tight, and a seed is magically implanted and nine months later a baby is born.
Parker: What kind of seed?
Lynette: Oh, that's not important.
Parker: I don't believe you!
Lynette: Parker I'm your mother. Mother's don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas.

Zack: You said I could kiss you!
Gabrielle: Yes, my lips not my oesophagus!

Carlos: [Carlos and Gabby walk down the corridor to hear Lucy yelling. Carlos to Lynette] What's with the yelling?
Lynette: I don't know I'm just as worried as you are...

Mary: [narrating voice over, about Edie] Susan had met the enemy. And she? Was a slut.

[Rex has asked for a divorce in a family restaurant]
Rex: Are we gonna talk about what I said?
Bree: If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled Chicks and Dudes, you are out of your mind.

Lynette: [Lynette finds Parker staring into their freezer] Hi buddy, what'cha doing?
Parker: Nothing.
Lynette: You seem a little mopey lately, is everything okay?
Parker: Yeah. Can we go see Mrs. McClusky?
Karen: [at the hospital] You guys didn't have to come here, no matter what that CAT scan says, I'm breakin' out tomorrow.
Lynette: Well Parker really wanted to come see you.
Karen: [pats him on the head] Don't tell your brothers, you where always my favorite.
Parker: [quietly] I saw the man in your freezer.
Karen: [Smile fades from her face] Lynette could you run down to the snack bar and get me some green jello?
Lynette: Oh, sure.
Karen: OK, time for a little grown-up talk.
[Lynette sees Parker sitting on the bed with Mrs. McClusky talking to him]
Karen: So can you understand now why I had to do what I did?
[he nods]
Karen: And you know you can never tell anyone, not even you mom?
[he nods again]
Lynette: They didn't have jello, so I hope pudding is okay.
Karen: Ya know, lets give it to Parker, good boy like him deserves a treat.
[he smiles at her]

Karen: Here's the big news. Parker offered me a fudgesicle if I would show him my vagina. Oh, good god, Lynette, relax. I didn't do it. I just got this out of the freezer a second ago.
Lynette: Uh, yeah. Of course, no, sorry.
Karen: Apparently, Parker wanted to put a sunflower seed inside me and see if a baby would grow. Where do kids get this stuff?
Lynette: Oh, that was me. He was asking about the birds and the bees and I fudged a few of the details. Well, he's only seven years old. I don't think he needs to know everything yet. I don't wanna rob him of his innocence.
Karen: Well, now, that's where you're wrong. You get 'em when they're young. Give 'em all the gory details. And then when they're good and disgusted, you shame 'em.
Lynette: Excuse me?
Karen: You tell them sex is dirty and wrong and he shouldn't talk about it and if he does, he's going straight to hell.
Lynette: That is ridiculous.
Karen: Spoken like a true liberal idiot.
Lynette: No, I am not going to shame my son.
Karen: Mm, I'm telling ya, it works. It keeps people in their place, it keeps parents from being humiliated, and it keeps me from having to spend the afternoon talking about my woo-woo.

[first lines]
Mary: [voice over narration] Everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her own family.

Mary: [voice-over] It will happen to all of us eventually. The moment will come when we ask ourselves: Where did the time go? How did the children I once cradled grow up so very quickly? How did the life I dreamt of turn into a career I never expected? And how did that woman I saw each day in the mirror become someone I don't even recognize?

Edie: No man respects an easy conquest. I make all my men wait.
Susan: It's true, she has a little room with magazines and an aquarium.
Edie: I have so missed our friendship.

Lynette: She saved my kids. She's this amazing woman, and I never bothered to get to know her. So, yeah, I sprinkled her ashes. But it would have been nice to do something before she was ashes.
Karen: That's a lesson we all got to learn over and over. Appreciate people while we still got them.
Lynette: Yep. Third strike? What were the first two?
Karen: It's a long story that requires a pitcher of beer and a dark bar.
Lynette: I got time for that.

Mary: The trick is to keep moving forward, to let go of the fear and the regret that slow us down and keep us from enjoying a journey that will be over too soon. Yes, there will be unexpected bends in the road, shocking surprises we didn't see coming... but that's really the point, don't you think?

Bree: I love sex. I love everything about it: the sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction. MMMmmmm. The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself; two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean obviously it has its practical applications but I'm just not a fan.

[about the kids]
Lynette: Why don't I just put them back in me and cook 'em until they're civilized?
Tom: You'd be cool with that?

Felicia: I'm not worried, Edie. Martha and I have a very intense bond. We were connected at the most primal level and, a few days ago, I felt this sensation in my soul. That's when it first dawned on me that something had happened to my sister, and when she didn't arrive at my home as scheduled, well... that's when I knew she was dead.
Edie: Oh, honey, no. You musn't think like that. Martha's only missing.
Felicia: [in a patronizing tone] No. Edie. She's dead. But she's my sister and I'm going to find out *exactly* what happened to her.
Edie: Look, Felicia, it's... natural to freak out when a loved one's missing.
Felicia: Loved one? Oh. Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She was a wretched pig of a woman, and the day she died, this world became a better place.

Susan: When our babies go to college, we'll be like...
Bree: Dead?

Mary: It's a rare man that understands the value of a perfect rose.

Gabrielle: Before we got married we made a deal, remember? No kids.
Carlos: Deals are meant to be renegotiated.
Gabrielle: We're not negotiating my uterus.

Lynette: What's that look on your face? You didn't eat dairy again did you?
Tom: No I've been working out!
Lynette: Oh.
Tom: If you're good I'll let you cut the feel
Lynette: That's ok I can see it from here. It's "thrilling"

Nora: I don't have later you stupid bitch.

Lynette: I went to the doctor today.
Tom: What's wrong?
Lynette: I'm pregnant.
Tom: Pregnant?... With a baby?
Lynette: How long have you been sniffing those markers? Of course with a baby.

Lynette: So I wanna hear more about the garden club. Tom says he's meeting all kinds of nice people
Gabrielle: Really? Any favourites Tom?
Tom: They're all great gals. One's sorta a pain in the ass. Other than her, having a great time!
Gabrielle: All though I keep telling Tom how dangerous gardens can be everywhere you step there are shovels and rakes and "hoes".

Gabrielle: It's me. Don't turn around, my mother-in-law can see you.
John: I hate that she's always watching us.
Gabrielle: So meet me at the motel in an hour? John?
John: Uh, I've got plans.
Gabrielle: So cancel.
John: They're with Danielle. We're going to the movies.
Gabrielle: That sounds like a date.
John: Yeah.
Gabrielle: Well, I have a problem with you seeing other girls.

Lynette: What is it? Teeth?
Felicia: Dentures. They were my dear sister, Martha's. I'm sure none of you knew, but she had orthodontic issues from the time she was a child.
Edie: Oh. Thank you.
Felicia: I know it's an unconventional gift for an engagement party, but you and Martha were such close friends, Edie. I wanted you to have something truly personal to remember her by since she left us so abruptly. You know, when Paul Young strangled her, crushed her windpipe, and buried her alive next to a garbage-strewn hiking trail.
Edie: Felicia, uh, I think you've had enough.
Felicia: I do apologize if I've offended anyone, but while you all are chit-chatting and eating these yummy hors d'oeuvres, just remember you're in the company of a murderer.

Parker: How long will daddy be gone?
Lynette: Well that sorta depends on daddy.
Porter: Are you two mad at each other?
Lynette: Yeah, a little, but that's okay. We still love each other very much, but like kids, sometimes grown-ups throw tantrums and need a time-out.
Preston: Why can't he take a time-out in his room?
Lynette: Cause he decided to take it in his pizza place.
Parker: [Being cute, while petting his dog] No fair that sounds fun!
Lynette: Not this pizza place, it's a rat hole. But once your dad comes to his senses and stops being petulant, he'll come home.
Porter: What's petulant?
Lynette: It means childish, stubborn, careless with my money and your future's.
Preston: Huh?
Lynette: It's a grown-up word, and when daddy comes home, he'll learn a new one: grovel!

Bree: Rex cries when he ejaculates.

Bree: Oh, Rex, you look so tired.
Rex: I didn't sleep. This damn thing is so uncomfortable.
Bree: Well, why don't you move back upstairs, and sleep in my bed.
Rex: We're in marriage counseling, Bree. I think that would confuse things.
Bree: It's just... I miss you.
Rex: I know you do. Of course, if I don't start getting some sleep pretty soon, I'll be forced to move back upstairs out of sheer exhaustion.
Mary: [narrating voice over] Yes, Bree was afraid of many things. But if there was one thing she wasn't afraid of..., it was a challenge.

Edie: [seeing Susan and Gabrielle fighting] And they call me white trash.

Parker: [after Lynette tells him no to fudgesickles] I told you she'd say no!
Porter: Mrs. McCluskey always has some fudgesickles.
Preston: Yeah, but she's in the hospital.
[they all smile]
Preston: [the twins hold open a window to Mrs. McCluskey's basement while Parker climbs in through it]
[He opens the chest freezer and finds some melted fudgesickles, but gets a wide-eyed look on his face when he sees a mans body]
Preston: [Parker comes out the door looking stunned] Where's the ice cream?
Parker: She didn't have any.
Porter: Awe man!
Porter: There wasn't anything good in there?
Parker: [deadpanned] No.

Susan: Lynette?
Lynette: I'm in.
Bree: I'll make braised lamb shanks.
Lynette: I'm still in.

Lynette: And, Edie, you look great, especially, you know, given the circumstances.
Edie: You mean that I tried to hang myself? Well, it's okay. The doctor encouraged me to talk about it.
Bree: Surely not over food.

Danielle: [to Bree] When are you gonna take me seriously?
Bree: When you start acting like an adult.
Andrew: She sleeps with them. That's a start.

Mike: You're doing great, honey. Just keep breathing. How close are the contractions?
Susan: A few weeks apart. Wanna go to the movies?
Mike: What?
Susan: I'm not in labor, ok?
Mike: But y... your water broke. I saw it!
Susan: It was club soda. Amniotic fluid doesn't have ice cubes and a lemon wedge.

Bree: Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.
Andrew: Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.
Bree: Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?
Andrew: Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?
Bree: Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be.
Andrew: Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get.
Bree: If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.

Mr. Shaw: Mr. Young, sometimes evil drives a minivan.

Paul: Look, I just want to move this place fast. I'll do whatever we have to do.
Edie: Well, that's good to know. You do realize that you're going to have to disclose the fact that your wife killed herself in the house.
Paul: I am?
Edie: Oh, yeah. Legal crap. You know, people get really freaked out by suicides. You can't blame 'em. Hell, I get the willies just standing here.
Paul: Is there any way to get around it?
Edie: Off the record? You could say that she shot herself in the living room, and then crawled out back to die. Well, I'm just saying! Oh, I've gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow.

[Lynette, the twins and Parker are at a hotel pool]
Parker: Where's daddy? I want to show him my dive.
Lynette: He's not coming, why don't you show me?
[Parker walks toward the deeper end of the pool, looking sad and disappointed]

Lynette: Karl broke up with Edie.
Susan: Oh my God!
Bree: Yeah, apparently he was seeing someone.
Susan: Really? Did he say who it is?
Edie: I know who she is. She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho bag!
Bree: [Pause] No, he did not say.

Bree: You are no longer invited to the funeral.
Phyllis: What?
Reverend: You're not serious.
Bree: Oh, yes, I am. I am going to hire security. And those security men are going to have sticks and if you so much as set foot in that sanctuary, they will be instructed to beat you with those sticks.
Reverend: Bree, this is your grief talking.
Bree: Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, so help me, I will pull the funeral out of your church!
Reverend: Bree!
Bree: I am not kidding. I will go non-denominational so fast, it will make your head spin.

[Lynette, not satisfied with Porter's unwillingness to discuss a possible frienship with a drug dealer at school,enters Parker's room]
Lynette: Hey Parker, can I ask you something? Just between us, does Porter hang out with Jimmy Kimrado?
Parker: I don't know, I could check his friends list on Silverfizz.
Lynette: His what on what?
Parker: [logs on to Porter's page] It's like MySpace, you have a webpage. It shows your hobbies, your favorite music, and you can talk to people.
Lynette: Really? Can anyone talk to him?
Parker: Yeah, he just has to invite you.
Lynette: And, uh, how would somebody make that happen?
[Parker looks at her curiously]

Nurse: Time to check your blood pressure.
Susan: Oh, sure. Oh, that's a little tight. Does it have to be that tight?
Nurse: Yes.
Susan: Oh. Okay. Ow, ow. That's actually starting to be painful.
Nurse: Really? That surprises me. I just assumed you were dead inside.

Lynette: [walks in as Tom is cleaning the house] See this? My third espresso, I'm wired no way I'm falling asleep tonight.
Tom: [glares at Lynette and continues cleaning without saying a word]
Lynette: Hey. How about we throw a pizza on the front lawn and when the kids run out to get it, we lock the door and "do it" in every room in the house?

Julie: When was the last time you had sex?
[Susan stops what she is doing]
Julie: Are you mad that I asked?
Susan: No, I'm just trying to remember.

Rex: Look at you... going out?
Bree: Not that it's any of your business, but I have a date.
Rex: A date... what kind of date?
Bree: Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor said any more stress could cause another heart attack.
[pause]
Bree: It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man and I intend to french the hell out of him.

Bree: Andrew, you remember Reverend Sikes, don't you?
Andrew: Oh, come on.
Bree: Um, Reverend, why don't you, um, have seat, and I will get some refreshments?
[the reverend sits down at the dining room table where Andrew is sitting and Rex is pouring wine]
Reverend: Ah. So, Andrew, it's been a long time.
Andrew: Yes. Yes, it has.
Bree: Would you like some water? I have flat or bubbly.
Reverend: Oh, bubbly, please. So, your mother tells me you've started having some sexual desires for other boys.
[Andrew stares at his mother who smiles back lovingly. Andrew looks at the wine]
Andrew: I don't suppose I could get some of that.
Rex: I'm gonna need every drop.

[last lines]
Mary: Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it's a friendly rivalry... or a fight to the death... the end result is the same. There will be winners... and there will be losers. Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price.

[Bree Hodge is dancing for her husband, Orson]
Orson: You're trying to make me feel better about being paralized?
Bree: Guess again, big boy
Orson: Well, if you're having a stroke, we're going to make quite the team

Susan: Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
Mike: Why?
Susan: I made it, trust me.
[Mike prepares to take a bite]
Susan: Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?
Mike: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese.
[Mike takes a bites of the macaroni, as Susan gestures apologetically, smiling]
Mike: Oh my God.
[makes a face]
Mike: How did you... it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked.
Susan: Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.
[Susan gets a tissue and gives it to him, as he spits his mouthful of macaroni and cheese into the tissue]

[Susan finds Andrew and Justin naked in a pool]
Andrew: I'm not... I'm not gay.

Gabrielle: It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.
Carlos: Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.
Gabrielle: I made over two hundred thousand doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him.

Mary: It suddenly occurred to Lynette her label was about to change yet again. And for the next few years, she would be known as the mother of the boys who painted Tiffany Axelrod blue.

Dr. Baron: [to Gabrielle] You're pregnant.

Mike: MJ finalised his guest list
Karl: Well I think if you check that guest list again you'll find that Evan's name is on there.
[places money in Mike's hand]
Mike: I'm MJ's dad. Not his bouncer. But thanks.
[smiles and closes the door]

Mike: I promise, I'll make this up to you. And you look... amazing.
Kendra: Mike, where are the towels?
Susan: Thanks.

Bree: [to Rex] Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection.

Peter: Sex is as much an addiction for me as booze. That's why when you turn me on like that it's a bit of a problem.
Bree: It was just a peck on the cheek.
Peter: It doesn't matter. The slightest touch gets my juices flowing.
Bree: So how long has it been since you-
Peter: A year. They have this rule: plant, pet, person. If I can keep a plant alive, you know, then I can move on to a pet. And if I can make that work, then I can start dating again.
Bree: So, how are you doing?
Peter: I'm on my fourth ficus.
Bree: Oh.

[at Bree's house, people are watching the news about the hostage situation]
Tom: [Knocks on the door, comes in, unaware that Lynette is a hostage] Bree would you mind watching the kids, I got a doctor's appointment and Lynette is taking her sweet time at the market.
[People looking at him in shock]
Tom: I'm sorry, are you guys having a party?

Susan: How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery?
Julie: Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal.
Susan: You're right.
[stalling]
Susan: So, is that your project for school? You know when I was in fifth grade I made the White House out of sugar cubes.
Julie: Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better.
Susan: [gapes at Julie] Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?
Julie: You were using me to hurt Dad.
Susan: Oh, that's right. Oh, God.

Susan: Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night.
Julie: He did? Cool.
Susan: But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi-serious that requires bed-rest and fluids.
[Runs up the stairs as she squeals]

Susan: I just don't know how I'm going to survive this.
Mary: Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation, but if we can face them head on, that's when we find out how strong we really are.

Rex: We're not really taking tennis lessons, Carlos.
Carlos: You're not?
Rex: It's a story Bree concocted to cover the fact we're seeing a marriage counselor.
[Bree drops tray of food]
Rex: Bree! Bree!
[She takes his glass of wine]
Rex: He wouldn't stop asking about the tennis pro!
[to everyone]
Rex: Bree and I are in marriage counseling.
[to Bree]
Rex: Everyone knows our little secret now. Did the sky fall? Has your life come crashing down?

Edie: Wow, how self absorbed can you be? I have had a thing for Mike since the day he moved in here and I even backed off when he fell for your little miss adorable act. But he's over that, it's my turn now and I will be better for him than you ever were. And if you do get hurt well that's just gravy.

Karl: The heart wants what it wants!
Susan: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself!
Karl: I don't want to go back to that ugly place, really, and if you do, I suggest you get some help.
Susan: You know what? I don't need an apology! I don't need anything from you!
Karl: You're humiliating yourself!
Susan: No, you're the one who's been humiliated, Karl. Why don't you see that? You walked out on your family! People think you're scum, not me! So worry about yourself! I'm okay with me!
[barefoot and wearing only a towel and talking to Karl whose in the car]
Susan: I can walk down the street and hold my head high!
[She accidentally gets her towel caught on the door as she slams it, and he drives off leaving Susan standing naked as she gasps]
Susan: Oh!
[Susan looks around, whimpers, and runs to her door with embarrassment and it's locked]
Susan: Oh!
[Susan hides behind the porch's support beam embarrassed]

Susan: My idea of the perfect wedding keeps changing. One day I want white roses and then I want lilies... only one thing stays constant - and I'm looking at him. Why would I need anything else to make my wedding perfect?

Bree: How could we have all forgotten about this?
Lynette: We didn't exactly forget. It's just usually when the hostess dies, the party is off.

Mrs. Bukowski: [about Ashley] She's shy. She doesn't say much.
Ashley: Yeah, but I can see her little mind working away.

Danielle: [shouting to Andrew] I liked you better when you were a psychopath!

Mary: The trick is to keep moving forward, to let go of the fear and the regret that slow us down and keep us from enjoying a journey that will be over too soon. Yes, there will be unexpected bends in the road, shocking suprises we didn't see coming... but that's really the point, don't you think?

[Parker is sitting outside watching Mrs. McClusky wash her door]
Tom: Here you are. What are you doing outside?
Parker: Some big kids threw eggs at Mrs. McClusky's house.
Tom: Oh, jeez, they shouldn't have done that.
Parker: We should go talk to her.
Tom: Naw, it's late, she probably doesn't want us to bother her.

Gabrielle: Look at my life, Susan. I've been beaten down.
Susan: Well, I thought I had you beaten today and the next thing I knew, I was eating grass.
Gabrielle: Today doesn't count. Today I was mad.
Susan: Maybe you need to get mad more often.

[Parker walks in while Lynette and Mrs. McCluskey ar cleaning up Ida Greenburg's things]
Parker: Daddy said you where over here, can I help?
Lynette: [kisses him on the head] Ohh, mwa, mwa, mwa! You realise we're cleaning, right? We're not eating candy.
Karen: That's sweet Parker, but we've got everything under control here if you wanna go play.
Parker: No, I wanna do something nice for Mrs. Greenburg. She sorta saved my life.
Lynette: What do you mean?
Parker: When the house was shaking and daddy was passed out by his asthma Mrs. Greenburg made us all go under the stairs.
Lynette: But that's not where they found her.
Parker: Yeah, there wasn't enough room for her. She said she be okay in the corner!
Karen: Uh, Parker you wanna help? Ida has some ice cream in the freezer that needs eating before it goes bad.

Susan: I'll cook, myself.
Bree: Good. Let me know if there are any survivors.

Karl: The heart wants what it wants!
Susan: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I'm able to control myself!

Rex: You're going to ruin his whole future over a little rough housing?
Bree: Rex, this was practically assault.
Rex: Mrs. Stark, what Andrew did was clearly wrong, but in his defense, his mother and I are going through severe marital problems.
Bree: Is that relevant?
Rex: Our marriage is disintegrating. Of course Andrew is acting out. He has every right to be angry.
Bree: If Andrew is angry about you moving out of the house, then perhaps he should shove your head into a locker!
Rex: All I'm saying, is that we need to take some of the responsibility here.
Bree: And so does Andrew! Blaming his actions on our problems... which are not so serious... does not help him.
Rex: Our problems are serious!
Bree: Mrs. Stark, you handle this however you see fit.
Rex: Bree, I've gone to an attorney. You're gonna to be served with divorce papers later today.
Bree: You went to an attorney?
Rex: Yeah! And a good one too!
Bree: Well he better be good, because when I'm finished with you, you won't have a cent to your name!
Rex: Bring it on!

Mr. Shaw: Sometimes evil drives a minivan.

Dr. McLean: [about Danielle after her suicide attempt] She is resisting our efforts to pump her stomach. She says she only took three sedatives.
Andrew: She's disoriented. Pump her.
Bree: Andrew!
[to the doctor]
Bree: Pump her.
[to Andrew]
Bree: They're sticking a tube down her throat. Do you still think this is funny?
Andrew: Mom, this was a half-assed bid for attention.
Bree: This was a cry for help and if we don't listen, the next time, she could do something even more dangerous.
Andrew: Yeah, next time, she might jump off the porch.
Orson: Stop it! Suicide is the worst thing that can happen to a family! I will not have it made light of!

Rex: [to Bree] I want a divorce. I just can't live in this detergent commercial anymore.

Carlos: Hey, I didn't say we had to stop. I just said we had to be quiet.
Edie: What? I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again!
Carlos: I'm just saying, I don't think that the whole world needs to know our... 12?

Bree: It was my first week in college, and I went to a meeting of the Young Republicans, where Rex gave a speech and I went up to him afterward and introduced myself and told him that I agreed with his stance on the death penalty, and... he took me out to a diner and, uh, we stayed up until 2 in the morning talking about big government, gun control and illegal immigration.
[sighs]
Bree: It was just... it was just such a magical night.

[George has dinner with the Van De Kamps]
Andrew: So, George, can I ask you a question? And it's kind of personal.
George: Sure.
Andrew: Have you ever actually been with a woman?
George: [chuckling] Excuse me?
Andrew: Well, let's be honest. I think it's obvious by the way that you talk and act that you're not a player, so I was just curious to find out if you had ever actually gotten in the game.
George: My experience with women is none of your business.
Andrew: Oh, I think it is. I mean, you're dating my mom. And we both know that at your age, dating's a little more than just holding hands.
George: We're not dating exactly.
Andrew: Oh, sure you are. And you know what? I think it's great. But I wanna make sure my mom's happy, you know, and it would really set my mind at ease to know that she's with a guy that knows how to please a lady.
George: This is inappropriate.
Andrew: You know, my parents had a great sex life. Man, I heard 'em through the wall of my bedroom once.
George: Please shut up.
Andrew: You should've heard my mom, too. She had this... this weird moan. It was kind of like, um...
[Andrew makes a moan that's followed by an unh!]
Andrew: Isn't that bizarre? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes.
[a dumbfounded George looks at Andrew while Bree and Danielle enter with cobblers]
Bree: Okay, time for cobbler. Sorry, one of the dessert plates doesn't match. I tried to replace it, but it's Spode Florence. It's a rare pattern. It belonged to my grandmother. But hopefully once you taste the dessert, you'll forget all about it.
George: I'm not hungry.
Bree: George, you have to have this. It's absolutely scrumptious.
[Bree takes a bite]
Bree: Mmm. Mmm!
[George looks from Bree to Andrew, who points to Bree and mouths "That's it." George slams his fist and stands up]
George: Go to your room!

Kendra: Mike, I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower.

Edie: Let him work it off. You get a free store stocker for a month.
Austin: Wait - a month? It was a $10 whiskey!
Edie: I know. You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff.

[last lines]
Mary: The search for power begins when we're quite young. As children, we're taught that the power of good triumphs over the power of evil. But as we get older, we realize that nothing is ever that simple. Traces of evil always remain.

Danielle: You're always mean to me, just like you were to dad. You emasculated him. Well, you're not gonna emasculate me.
Bree: You don't even know what that means, you petulant sock puppet.
Danielle: Who cares? I'm going to the store.
Bree: Buy a dictionary.

Lynette: [Preston sees a group of kids from his and Porters school and Porter and Preston decide to take a break] Wow, wow, wow, what's going on here?
Preston: Those kids go to our school.
Porter: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDermitt. The guy called me Jesus for a year cause i wore sandals one day if he sees me wearing this I'll never hear the end of it.
Tom: Fine don't wear the apron that's...
Porter: No. I'm not waiting on a kid who's going to make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here!
Tom: Humiliating?
Lynette: Guy's easy
Tom: No you're not humiliated when you use the money we make here to buy your clothes!
Lynette: Tom it's fine, I'll take the table
Tom: No no no no no no no your mother can't wait on this whole restaurant herself!
Porter: Well then you do it!
Tom: Porter I'm your father and your boss and I'm telling you right now to go take that table.
Porter: Or what your gonna fire me? go for it.
Tom: [grabs Porter by his collar and shoves him against the wall as Lynette gasps] Do you think this is a joke? This is my life!
Lynette: Tom!...
Tom: No!
[shakes Porter repeatedly]
Tom: you're worried about being embarrassed?
[shakes Porter while saying]
Tom: I've put everything I have into this restaurant!
Lynette: Alright that's enough! Let got of him! Let go of him! Let go of him!
Parker: Guys... I just set a twelve top. Who's taking it?
Tom: [sighs] ... I will...
[he walks off as everyone stares at him looking scared]

Gabrielle: Thank you, Yoa Lin
Juanita: I don't see why you have her
Gabrielle: It's a big house. I need help.
Juanita: It's only called help when you do some of the work yourself.
Gabrielle: I supervise.
Juanita: You pay her $300 a week. That's $15,000 a year. Carlos, you always say how you're not putting enough away for retirement!
Carlos: You know, baby, if would be a good idea if we cut back on expenses.
Gabrielle: You expect me to take care of this place all by myself?
Carlos: Other women manage...

Porter: Ooh, Dad called a family meeting.
Parker: Yeah, mom he said it's about the restaurant.
Lynette: Oh boy, I think I know what this is about. Things have been tough down at the restaurant and I think your dad has finally decided to sell it.
Parker: Wow!
Preston: Is he gonna be okay?
Lynette: I don't know, that's why we all have to be really supportive, and you with me?
[all nod]
Tom: Hey guys, good, you're all here.
Penny: I love you daddy!
Lynette: Not yet.
Tom: I wanted to talk to you all about our pizzeria.
Lynette: Just know that we're 100% behind you.
Tom: That means a lot because this was a really rough day for me. I had to let all our employees go. So starting tomorrow, you kids are my new wait staff!
Lynette: Tom, what the hell are you talking about?
Tom: You and I'll handle the days and the kids'll join us after school and on the weekends.
Parker: At the risk of sounding spoiled, a-noo.
Tom: Come on, we'll love working together,
Porter: Why? We don't even like living together.
Preston: You're not even going to pay us?
Penny: I'm nine, is that even legal?
Tom: I think so, but just to be sure, you're fifteen, happy birthday!
Parker: Mom, please do something.

[Bree has found Alma and a passed out Orson in bed together, along with sleeping pills and Viagra]
Bree: You raped my husband!
Alma: We made love. And when our baby is born, he's going to come back to me.
Bree: Baby?
Alma: It's true. I could be expecting right now.
Bree: Were you expecting this?
[Bree decks Alma before she calls her house]
Bree: Andrew, I need you to come over right away. And, um...
[pause]
Bree: ...bring the wheelbarrow.

Mary: [as Bree, Gaby, Lynette and Susan are playing poker. Mary Alice says in voice over] There is a ritual that my friends have observed for years. Once a week they meet to play a game of cards and talk about their lives. Of course, there's another aspect to this gatherings that has nothing to do with gossip or poker. Every seven days, my friends are reminded of a basic human truth... There is nothing more important than friendships that endure, especially in a world that insists on changing.

Bree: Girls, you don't understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind.
Gabrielle: Oh, for God's sake, Bree. You're a woman. Manipulate him. That's what we do.
Bree: But how?
Gabrielle: I don't know. How did you usually manipulate Rex?
[Bree thinks about it, and smiles]

Gabrielle: Susan, if you're not sure what Jessie ment by it, why don't you just talk to her?
Susan: Oh, that would be way to awkward. She's my boss.
Lynette: She's your boss? Let her kiss you again and then sue her!
Gabrielle: Okay, we're going to figure this out for you. Were her eyes open or shut?
Susan: I don't know.
Gabrielle: Well, how many seconds did the kiss last?
Susan: I don't remember.
Gabrielle: [frustrated] Oh, for God's sake, was it this?
[Gabrielle quickly smooches Susan on her lips]
Gabrielle: Or was it this?
[Gabrielle kisses Susan passionately for about three seconds]
Susan: Uh... the second one.
Lynette: Congratulations. You're now dating a lesbian.
Lee: [snickers] See you at the parade.

Gabrielle: We were supposed to have four weeks. She promised me the baby wasn't due for four more weeks. We don't have anything! We don't, we don't have diapers, and we don't have the stuff babies drink.
Lynette: Formula.
Gabrielle: Exactly. We're not ready! You know, this is a total inconvenience.
Lynette: Welcome to parenthood. Come on.

Lynette: I love my kids so much. I'm so sorry they have me as a mother.
Bree: Lynette, you are a great mother.
Lynette: No, I'm not. I can't do it. I'm so tired of feeling like a failure. It's so humiliating.
Susan: No, it's not. So you got addicted to your kids' ADD medication. It happens.
Bree: You've got four kids. That's a lot of stress. Honey, you just need some help.
Lynette: That's what makes it so humiliating. Other moms don't need help. Other moms make it look so easy. All I do is complain.
Susan: That's not true. When - when Julie was a baby, I - I was out of my mind almost every day.
Bree: I used to get so upset when Andrew and Danielle were little, I used their nap times to cry.
Lynette: [sniffs] Why didn't you ever tell me this?
[sobs]
Bree: [whispers] Oh, baby. Nobody likes to admit that they can't handle the pressure.
Susan: I think it's just like we think, you know, it's easier to keep it all in.
Lynette: Oh, we shouldn't. We should tell each other this stuff.
Susan: It helps, huh?
Lynette: Yeah. It really
[sniffs]
Lynette: does.
[continues sobbing]

Carlos: We're not very nice people, are we?
Gabrielle: No. We're not.
Carlos: Aw, when we got married I thought we were gonna be so happy.
Gabrielle: Me too.
[pause]
Gabrielle: Look on the bright side - at least we're still rich.
Carlos: Thank God for that.

Bree: [Bree finds Orson and Alma in bed together] Orson, I have caught you cheating, at least have the courtesy to WAKE UP!

Carlos: Oh, my god. Are you trying to say that you don't want Deanna's baby because she's plain?
Gabrielle: No, plain I can handle. Carlos, since that woman has walked into our house, the clocks have stopped working.
Carlos: No one can predict what a child is gonna look like. For all you know, her kid could end up winning beauty contests.
Gabrielle: With her D.N.A., the only thing that kid's gonna be winning is best in show.

Lynette: Kayla, I'm sorry how everything turned out.
Kayla: No, you're not.
Lynette: Okay, then.

Maisy: [jailed for prostitution, she declines Bree's offer of a deal] I'm not interested... But you do get credit for one thing: you came to visit me, even it was for an ulterior motive. None of the other girls from the Club even bothered. I've been abandoned. Guess that's what happens when you become the town whore.
Bree: Oh, sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore, they abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with.

Susan: A guy just smiles at me three times and I'm picking out wedding china. I'm a mess.
Lynette: But to be fair, that's part of your charm.

Danielle: Why can't we ever have normal soup?
Bree: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.
Danielle: Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of. Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?
Bree: First of all, your Father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion.
[turns to Andrew]
Bree: So, how's the osso buco?
Andrew: It's okay.
Bree: It's okay? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say "it's okay" in that sullen tone?
Andrew: Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?
Bree: [shocked] Excuse me?
Andrew: Tim Harper's Mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy.
Bree: You'd rather I serve pork and beans?
Danielle: [turns to Andrew] Apologize now, I am begging.
Andrew: I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food?
Bree: Are you doing drugs?
Andrew: What?
Bree: Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.
Danielle: Trust me, that is not what he is doing.
Andrew: Shut up.
[to Bree]
Andrew: Mom, I'm not the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting like she's running for Mayor of Stepford.
Bree: [at the dinner table] Rex, seeing that you're the head of this household I would really appreciate it if you said something.
Rex: Pass the salt?

Susan: Hey, Edie!
Edie: Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.
Susan: Oh this? Well, I have a date. Right now. With Mike. We kissed. FYI.

Tom: Dear Porter really like you but I wanna see other offspring...
Lynette: Go away...

Susan: Karl. What are you doing here?
Karl: Well I just enrolled Evan.
Susan: Wow. and I was worried that we'd be out of each others lives forever... lucky lucky.
Karl: What are you doing here?
Susan: I am an art teacher.
Karl: Really? Do they know that?
Susan: And now I'm ignoring you and moving on to Evan. Hello Evan.
Karl: Evan, this is Susan. She's your sister Julie's mother, we used to be married. She was a lot younger then.
Susan: Evan, why don't you head into the classroom? I need to talk to your daddy and I may need to use some grown up words.
Karl: Ok Susie Q, what's wrong? Get it off that chest you wouldn't let me enhance.
Susan: Listen it's bad enough that I have one husband running around the halls. I don't need the faculty and the parents knowing that I have two. So not a word about us having been married. No more wise cracks. No Susie Q's. I am Miss Susan. Art teacher.
[starts to walk off into the classroom]
Karl: Yes Miss Susan. Can I bang your erasers after class?
Susan: [steps out of the classroom and glares at Karl] Karl I'm serious don't mess with me. I have a yard stick and I'm not afraid to use it.

Karen: You planned this whole thing. The party... breaking into my house... my reaction. You're trying to get rid of me.
Dave: Yes... and I'm sorry it had to be you.
Karen: 'Cause I know you're up to something. Something awful.
Dave: You don't know what "awful" is. Well... you take care of yourself Karen. I mean that.

Carlos: I'm sorry, I was on the phone to my cousin in Tucson and we always trade bad date stories.
Edie: And to think I went out of my way to spare your feelings.
Carlos: What's that supposed to mean?
Edie: You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer.

[watching an S&M video demonstration with Rex]
Rex: Well?
Bree: What the hell did your mother do to you?

Lynette: Susan, Bree, Gaby, this is my old college roomate Renee.
Bree: Hi! It's so nice to finally meet you. Lynette has talked so much about her friend in college.
Renee: Oh yes. You know how in school the pretty girls always hang out together? Well I refused to go along with that.

Gabrielle: [to Claudia about Alejandro] When I was 15, he molested me.
Claudia: You expect me to believe that?
Gabrielle: I was a virgin and he hurt me.
Claudia: Liar.
Gabrielle: Claudia, I know this is hard to hear.
Claudia: I don't know what you and your friend did. I don't know what happened to my husband. All I know is everything I'm being told is a lie.
Gabrielle: It's not! He was a child molester.
Claudia: Shut up! You can make it sound as bad as you want. You can tell all the disgusting lies you can think of. I will never believe you.
Marisa: [as she stands in the doorway, crying] Then believe me.
Claudia: What?
Marisa: I was too scared to tell you. I know how much you love him.
Claudia: Oh, my God. Are you saying...?
Marisa: I kept thinking it would stop.
[Marisa and Claudia begin to cry; Claudia walks up to Marisa and hugs her]

Zach: Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary.
Paul: That will be your choice to make. Assuming you outlive me.

Bree: Go pack up your sex factory, and I'll make you cookies!

Lynette: I'm a ninja!

[first lines]
Mary: Gabrielle was waiting for her next great idea. Her first great idea came when she was 15 after her stepfather paid her a late-night visit. She bought a bus ticket to New York the very next day. Her next occurred five years later when she decided to seduce a famous fashion photographer. One week later, she began her career as a runway model, which soon led to her next great idea - her decision to marry Carlos Solis. Before she knew it, she had jumped off the runway and moved to the suburbs. Her most recent great idea was borne out of her boredom with her new life. That's how she came to start an affair with her teenage gardener, which was cut short by a tragic accident. So, once again, Gabrielle was in need of a great idea.

Susan: Okay, before we become an ugly mob, why doesn't one of us go talk to the guys? But not me, they hate me.
Karen: Bree, you talk to them, you can relate to them.
Bree: Why would you say that?
Karen: You've got a kid that came flying out of the closet and a husband that had been looking for the door knob.

Bree: [Bree is trying to set Andrew up with their contractor, hinting at him] Oh yes, he just broke up with his life partner, TODD... who he was GAY WITH.

[the twins are making a human pyramid with Parker on top]
Preston: Mommy, look at us!
Lynette: I'll look as soon as I get back from the store.
Parker: [waves goodbye] Bye mom!

Susan: Listen, Mike, about the whole 'seeing me naked' thing. I, I just want to thank you for being such a perfect gentleman.
Mike: Oh, I wasn't a perfect gentleman, I might have snuck a peek.
Susan: Oh, goodnight!
Mike: And for what it's worth, wow.

[first lines]
Mary: Suburbia is a battleground, an arena for all forms of domestic combat. Husbands clash with wives, parents cross swords with children, but the bloodiest battles often involve women and their mothers-in-law.

Mike: [Mike walks into Carlos' room, Edie is hiding next to the door]
[whispering]
Mike: So uh... you got a girl in here?
Carlos: No, why?
Mike: Because when I came home, I thought I heard sex noises.
Carlos: Nah, that was just me!

Bree: Gabrielle's the glamorous one, Susan's the adorable one, Lynette's smart. Edie's... Edie, and I'm the domestic one. The one who knows that there are three tines in a dessert fork. I'm the one who gets teased for that. That's who I am. That's also who you are

Andrew: [as Karl pushes him into a wall] What are you doing?
Karl: Your father was a friend of mine. And if he were around to see what a nasty little turd you've turned into, he'd knock the hell out of you.
Andrew: Yeah, well, he's not here now, is he?
[tries to walk away but Karl forces him back into the wall]
Karl: No, he isn't, but if you don't get your act together and start treating your mother with some respect, I'll take care of you myself. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Andrew: Yeah.
Karl: Good.

Orson: [to Bree] I want a divorce.

Susan: [spits out cookie] I hate macadamia nuts. You think they're white chocolate chips until it's too late. Stupid Hawaii.

Susan: Getting married is scary, but at least we'll be doing it together.
Gabrielle: Oh my God! We should totally do that!
Susan: What?
Gabrielle: Get married! Together!
Susan: You and me? Well... I'm beyond flattered. I find you to be an incredibly attractive woman. I just...
Gabrielle: No, stupid! I mean a double wedding!
Susan: Oh... Oh! I would love that!
Gabrielle: I know! Then you wouldn't be mad, and I wouldn't feel guilty.
Susan: And we could be brides together!
Gabrielle: Together! Let's celebrate! More chocolate! And, just you know, if I was a lesbian, I'd totally do you.
Susan: That's good to know.

Gabrielle: Are you a lunatic? I am not walking into a ballroom of people without my face on.
Carlos: Come on, this is the perfect opportunity to teach her that beauty's only skin deep.
Gabrielle: Yeah well once you see this skin without foundation, you may wanna rethink that.
Carlos: Gabby your daughter is in pain and don't you love her enough to put your vanity aside for one night?
Gabrielle: I was in labor for 20 hours! She still owes me for that!
[Carlos gives her an exasperated look]
Gabrielle: Fine, I will make the ultimate sacrifice and I will be ugly for my daughter. But if she ever needs a kidney.
[points at Carlos]

Bree: We need to find someone who's bad at gay math!

Carlos: [about Gabrielle's mother] I think your hatred for her is clouding your judgment.
Gabrielle: Maybe, but you don't know her like I do.
Carlos: Okay. You ran away from home fifteen years ago. Did you ever think to talk to her about the stuff that happened between you and your step-dad?
Gabrielle: It wouldn't have done any good.
Carlos: How do you know that?
Gabrielle: Because she knew exactly what was going on with Alejandro and she chose to look the other way.
Carlos: But you never even gave her a chance to step up. You just ran away from home.
Gabrielle: [in tears] Because if I did, then she, we, there was a chance she wouldn't have believed me, and, and that would've hurt a lot worse than anything he ever did to me.

Carlos: Mmmmm... that's nice...
Gabrielle: You like that?
Carlos: Oh yeah.
Gabrielle: God, I'm gonna miss this, Carlos.
Carlos: What do you mean?
Gabrielle: Well, since, I'm gonna have to be doing the cooking, and the cleaning, and all the shopping, like the other wives...
Carlos: Mmmm hmmm
Gabrielle: I'm going to be exhausted at night, just like all the other wives, til I build up my stamina, of course, but that might take a couple of years.

Katherine: [to Bree] I have a job. No kids to raise, no husband, no boyfriend.

Orson: Thank you, Mother, for colluding in my rape!...

Julie: [mocking Susan] "Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive".
Susan: Shut up.
Julie: If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out.
Susan: I keep hoping he'll ask me out.
Julie: How's that going?
Susan: Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?

Rex: Bree... I think I'm having a heart attack!
Bree: No, you're not!

Karen: How old are your boys anyway?
[Preston and Porter look at each other]
Porter: We're six.
Karen: [turns to Parker] And you?
Parker: Five.
Karen: Wow. Your mom just pops them out, doesn't she?
Preston: How old are you?
Karen: How old do you think?
Porter: 150.

[Carlos is upset because a fellow inmate is threatening to beat him up if he doesn't give him $7,000, and Gabby doesn't want him to pay]
Gabrielle: You're a strong guy. You went to college on an athletic scholarship, for God's sake!
Carlos: Yeah, it was for golf!
Gabrielle: Oh...

Dr. Ron McCreadie: You committed insurance fraud?
Susan: Only in a legal sense.

Sister: Money can't buy happiness.
Gabrielle: Sure it can! That's just a lie we tell poor people to keep them from rioting.

Bree: What you doing?
Robin: Making you my screensaver.
Bree: Oh that's sweet.
Robin: You're replacing my cat, he's eating noodles.

Gabrielle: [on the phone to John] Well, get here as fast as you can. My husband I need to relax.

Mary: Sabotage. Everyone is capable of it, but some go about it more ruthlessly than others like the ones who crave vengeance, or the ones who hunger for love, or the ones who are determined to burn bridges. And then there are those who simply want something. Something that belongs to someone else.

Bree: Danielle! How was school.
Danielle: It was okay.
Bree: Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?

[Bree hears, on the TV, that someone, female has been shot, and thinks it could be Lynette]
Porter: Mrs. Hodge, when's mommy gonna be back from the store?
Bree: I'm sure she'll be back soon, why don't we have some... cookies?
Parker: Mommy said we can't have cookies before dinner.
Bree: Well, um, I'm sure she won't mind, come on.

Peter: I'll tell you what. Here's my card and if you ever do have a problem or you just feel like talking, give me a call, okay?
Bree: I know you think I'm kidding myself, but I'm not. I'm nothing like you people. I just don't have a compulsive personality.

Lynette: Tom don't you dare!
Tom: Hey one of us needs to live to take care of the other ones!

Susan: Hey, is that the new neighbor?
Gabrielle: He's cute!
Lynette: Edie said he's a bachelor.
Gabrielle: Keep talking.
Lynette: Who lives with his invalid sister.
Gabrielle: You can stop now.

[as he dresses for court in prison]
Carlos: Beating up a second gay guy looks bad.
Gabrielle: Yes, well, Carlos, in some circles, beating people up at all is frowned upon.

Gabrielle: I really hate the way you talk to me.
Carlos: And I really hate that I spent fifteen thousand dollars on your diamond necklace, that you couldn't live without. But I'm learning to deal with it.

Henry: [Andrew's grandfather is thumbing through Andrew's gay porn collection] I don't get it... where are all the *women?* This is all just a bunch of guys!

Reverend: And over the years, we've had so many young people come to our ministry hating themselves for their unnatural desires, and within a few months, they've found an inner peace and a tranquility that is nothing short of miraculous.
Bree: Oh.
[Bree reaches over and touches Andrew's arm. Andrew smiles back at his mother]
Reverend: And all it takes is a little faith and a desire to change.
Andrew: I'm sorry, but I, I really don't want to talk about my sex life.
Bree: Well, that's just too bad, because this needs to be discussed.
Reverend: Bree, please, let the boy speak. Go on.
Andrew: Well, I appreciate your offer to help. I do. But I don't hate myself. So, I'm good.
Reverend: Son, I know what it's like to be a teenager. It's a very confusing time.
Andrew: I'm not confused. I know exactly who I am.

Lynette: Hi...
Renee: I'm back Rodolfo. Please tell Signor Cipriani I always stay at that suite when I visit Venice and if it's not available, I will be very unhappy. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone more important I need to speak with.
Lynette: Hi...
Renee: Hey Jose. Thanks for holding. Look, I can't do Thursday, so...
Lynette: Jose, she'll call you back.
Renee: Lynette, you haven't changed.
Lynette: Neither have you.

John: Ah. This is great. I got tons of homework tonight. It's so easy to concentrate after sex.
Gabrielle: Well, I'm glad I could help. Education is very important.

Gabrielle: Ok my hour's up someone else hold Edie now.
Lynette: I'll take her!
[Gabby hands Lynette the urn and after a few second of holding it Lynette opens the it]
Lynette: kinda looks like cat litter.
Susan: Lynette! Don't look at Edie...
Lynette: Or what I'll turn to stone? She's all rough and gritty...
Bree: Uh Gabby... before we learn what Edie tastes like.
Gabrielle: I got it...
Bree: I think a little more reverence for the dead is in order.
Lynette: Oh please we're talking about Edie. A little more irreverence is what we need.

Julie: [mocking Susan] Dear diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive.
Susan: Shut up.

Andrew: What's this about?
Rex: You both know that your mother and I have been unhappy for quite a while. And after a lot of soul searching, we've decided it would be better if we got divorced.
Bree: But whatever problems your father and I have, it doesn't change the fact that we love you very, very much.
Andrew: I've got a question.
Bree: Go ahead sweetheart. Ask whatever you want.
Andrew: Can I live with dad? I mean, c'mon, mom, let's face it. We drive each other crazy.

Heidi: [to Gabrielle] Screw you, screw your friend and screw Fairview!

Bree: Well, I didn't wanna come here because I was afraid it would drudge up memories of my husband. This was our place. Rex passed away recently. He was, um, murdered by our pharmacist.
Frank: Wow. I hope you changed pharmacists.
Bree: I didn't have to. He committed suicide.

Parker: Since when do you make waffles?
Lynette: Well, Kayla loves waffles, and since she and I have been having some problems lately, I'm doing something nice for her.

Carlos: Why don't we just tell her the truth?
Gabrielle: What? That Mommy rides Daddy like a mechanical bull for jewelry.

Bree: Maybe they'll just be happy for you.
Gabrielle: Bree, my friends are models, they're not happy for anyone.

George: [while Bree stands behind him helping him aim a gun] What is that perfume you're wearing?
Bree: Uh, I'm not wearing perfume.
George: Are you sure? Because you smell amazing.
Bree: Oh! I was making macaroons before I left the house.
[without skipping a beat]
Bree: Okay, now, I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't fly away, but not so firmly that you can kill it. Got it?

Carlos: Now they think I'm some kind of serial gay basher.
Gabrielle: Well...
[holds up police sketch]
Gabrielle: You kind of are.

Lynette: [Penny won't make salads] You're not a baby, you're fifteen, remember?
Penny: Also, I can't find my band-aid.
Lynette: Ok, you fill water glasses, I'll make salads.
Parker: [Brings a check and money] Hey mom, this is for table 5.
Lynette: Ok, thanks. Uh, you didn't give them enough change.
Parker: Yeah, I know. i figured this out, you can short people one percent and they won't even notice. If they've got a buzz on, three percent.
Lynette: Ok, you make the salads, I'll handle the register.
Lynette: [the twins are fighting over who will wait on a hot lady] Well since I'm the only one who can wait on that table without knocking over the drink with my pants, how 'bout I take it?

Andrew: Mom, Grandma's leaving. All right, you have to talk to her.
Bree: No, I don't. If you heard the things that she said to me...
Andrew: Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, OK, but she's family, so that makes her our bitch. Let her say goodbye to Dad.
Bree: She went out of her way to be cruel to me. I don't want her at the funeral.
Danielle: [crying] Mom, if you don't let Grandma come, I will never forgive you!
Andrew: [to Danielle] Did I ask for your help?
[to Bree]
Andrew: You know Dad would want her there.

Reverend: [to Orson] What the hell is the matter with you?
Orson: I'm not going to let you go out there and trash that good woman's name!
Reverend: Good woman? She led me on! She's a flame-haired Jezebel!
Orson: You're insane! She is the most moral person I know!
Reverend: Would a moral person just lead a man and then humiliate him?
Orson: I don't care what she did to you. I am not going to let you publicly declare that Bree Hodge is a slut!

[the kids sneak into Lynette's room while she's asleep]
Parker: Happy Mother's Day!
Lynette: Oh my gosh. That is so sweet. Thank you.
[Porter gives her a breakfast in bed tray with breakfast on it]
Parker: We're gonna go get your present.
Porter: I hope you like turtles!

Bree: Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it.

Gabrielle: This table was hand-carved, Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost him twenty three thousand dollars.
John: You wanna do it on the table this time?
Gabrielle: Absolutely.

Susan: [Susan thinks that Dave is suicidal] I will be back after work, to check on you. But until then here's the phone, in case you wanna order chinese, or call a hotline or something.

Carlos: [to Gabrielle] When a man buys a woman expensive jewelry, there are many things he may want in return. For future reference, conversation ain't one of them.

Tom: [to Lynette] Listen, the kids are watching a video, which means we've got only about forty five minutes until they actually find Nemo...

Gabrielle: [about Ellie] There have been men coming out of her room at all hours of the night. And I saw her counting a wad of cash.

Mary: [VOICE OVER] At 5:15 Edie called to tell the girls her husband came home. She never got through to anyone though. Gaby didn't pick up because she was watching the girls take their orders. Lynette was out with Stella laughing and sharing stories and enjoying it. Bree was outside showing her future son-in-law color samples for the house and smiling politely when they disagreed. And Susan didn't answer because she was enjoying a cup of tea and what it was like to be alone.

Ellie: Hi, I'm Ellie. I understand you've got a room to rent.
Gabrielle: Yeah, come on in.

Xiao: [as Gabrielle brings Xiao-Mei her tray of food in bed] Where are my crackers?
Gabrielle: We're out... but I brought you a pickle.
Xiao: Pickles and soup? Who eats that?
Gabrielle: That's all I've got.
Xiao: Ever heard of a store?
[throws pickle]
Gabrielle: You did not just do that!
Xiao: I hate pickles.
Gabrielle: Pick it up!
Xiao: Doctor say only get up to pee... better for baby. Remember?
Gabrielle: [picks up pickle and starts walking away]
Xiao: Don't go! I need you to rub my feet... they're sore. And doctor say...
Gabrielle: Oh cut it out Xiao-Mei the doctor didn't say anything about rubbing your chubby stumps! Rub them yourself.
Xiao: You treat me like dirt.
Gabrielle: Would you rather be living with Mr.Solis? In a dingy, one bedroom apartment with no air conditioning and no cable? Huh? No!... didn't think so.
Xiao: You are meanest person I know.
Gabrielle: I am "the" meanest person. You've been in this country a year, modify your nouns, dammit!
Xiao: What "a" bitch.
Gabrielle: I can't wait for you to pop out that baby, cause when you do I'm putting you on the first plane back to Shang Hi and you're gonna be on all fours and a rice patty before the epidural wears off!
Xiao: But you promise to get me apartment in Chinatown so I can work for my friend and restaurant; start a new life!
Gabrielle: Tell that to my Chiniese friend..."sue me!"

Gabrielle: Ladies, start your blenders.

[Lynette and Tom aren't talking at all at breakfast]
Parker: Are you mad at daddy?
Lynette: No. Why would you think that?
Parker: Cause you're not talking to him.
Lynette: Well you know two people who have known each other as long as mommy and daddy ahve, they don't have to always talk, in fact a sign of a good relationship is being comfortable in silence.
Tom: That's true, although mommy ignoring me last night at work wasn't exactly what I call comfortable.
Lynette: Well daddy probably didn't notice that I was unloading twenty-pound bags of flour cause he still can't lift them, so mommy didn't exactly have time to sit around and chew the fat.
Tom: Well you haven't wanted to chew that fat for five days now. Come on Lynette something is obviously bugging you.
Lynette: You wanna know what's bugging me? I'm trying to have a lovely breakfast with my family and you're picking a fight.
Tom: Who's fighting, I just wanna talk!
Lynette: There's nothing to talk about, OK, just leave me alone.
Parker: Sorry I asked!

Beth: Where would I get a gun?
Susan: Oh... I don't know. How about the one you pointed at me on Halloween night?
Gabrielle: [to Susan] You never told us that.
Beth: You mean the night you broke into my house and tried to kill my husband with a club... being the natural-born lunatic that you are?
Bree: [to Susan] You never told us that either.
Susan: [sheepish] Am I not allowed to have a private life?

[Susan and Mike are about to get married]
Minister: Are we ready?
Julie: Are you kidding? They've been dragging this thing about for three years!

Lynette: You are going to behave today. I am not gonna be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know that I'm serious, I am...
[takes a piece of paper out of her pocket]
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell-phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! Are you willing to risk that?

Bree: Orson, we've been robbed!
Orson: It wasn't me, I swear.

Gabrielle: [after Gaby loses Mrs. Hammond's commission to Carlos' Rehab charity] Do you have any idea how much commission I stood to make from this lady?
Carlos: Gaby...
Gabrielle: Doris was my golden goose! I was fattening her up, and then you went and stole all her eggs, and - and, well, I don't know where this metaphor is going, but I am mad at you, Mister.
Carlos: Gaby...
Gabrielle: No, stop "Gaby-ing" me. I will not be "Gaby'ed"!
Carlos: Look, where Doris puts her money is her decision. Tomorrow morning, 9:00, she's putting it here.
Gabrielle: Okay, you don't have to be so smug just 'cause you're
[gestures air quotes]
Gabrielle: "doing charity"
Carlos: No quotation marks! I'm actually doing charity. Helping people put their lives together.
Gabrielle: And I'm helping people put their wardrobes together! Potato, Potahto.
Carlos: I got to run to a meeting.
Gabrielle: Now? We're in the middle of an argument.
Carlos: Yeah, but it's no fun to argue when only one side is morally defensible. But you know what is fun? A little victory dance.
[Carlos imitates a dance beat and does his victory dance, ending with a slap on his behind]

Travers: What does 'Bad in Bed' mean?
Edie: Well it means that you're not good at making... your bed. Mommy doesn't like people saying she can't make a bed because, trust me, nobody makes a bed as good as your mommy.
Travers: If you want, I can tell people you're good in bed.

Susan: [singing "New York, New York" to live piano accompaniment after just learning from neighbor Edie that she had had an indiscretion with Carl, her ex] Start spreading the news, I'm leavin' today. I wanna be a part of it, New York, New York. These vagabond shoes...
[whispers in the mike to Carl]
Susan: You're an ass, you know that?
[piano stops]
Susan: No, keep playing.
[resumes singing]
Susan: Are longing to stray.
[speaks]
Susan: There's a word you know, right?
[sings]
Susan: And get around the heart of it, New York, New York. I wanna...
[speaks]
Susan: just tell you that the affair was one thing. I mean, I forgave you because on some small level, I thought you were in love with her, and now I find out that you were just groping people at parties.
[sings]
Susan: Top of the heap.
[speaks]
Susan: Karl, don't you turn away from me. Look at me! You know, what else were you doing during our marriage? How many other women were you sticking it to? As God is my witness, it will snow on the hills of hell before I ever feel sorry for you again!
[awkward silence in the bar; finishes song]
Susan: New York!
[piano fluorish]

Lynette: [as Lynette gives dinner to the kids, Kayla walks over to the TV with hers] Kayla, where are you going?
Kayla: To watch TV.
Lynette: Oh, sweetie, we don't watch TV during dinner.
Kayla: But my show is on.
Lynette: I'm sorry, those are the rules.
Kayla: My mommy let me.
Lynette: Well, just this once.
[the twins look at Lynette; Parker crosses his arms]
Lynette: Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking, but Kayla's going through a hard time right now. Come and sit down. Letting her watch TV is like me letting you eat ice cream when you're sick.
Porter: But she's not sick.
Lynette: Well, that's true, but she's sad.
Parker: I'm sad I can't watch TV.
Lynette: Eat your tacos.
[the boys get up and walk over to the TV]
Lynette: Wow, wow, wow. Sit your butts down.
Preston: It's not fair.
Lynette: I don't care. we have rules.
Porter: Well, she gets to.
Lynette: She is special. Now sit down. Come on.
Porter: Does she get dessert, too?
Kayla: Of course I do.

Gabrielle: If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives fifty feet away for God's sakes.
Susan: Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must have been going on.

Eleanor: Hello, I'm Eleanor Mason, Bree's stepmother. Are you the lawyer? We should talk.
Peter: Ah, no, I'm not her lawyer.
Eleanor: Good. The hair had me worried.

Susan: Did I mention that Maggie is an amazing chef? We're embarrassed to be cooking for her.
Maggie: Stop. So, um, Mike, do you have a favorite type of cuisine?
Mike: Nah. After three months of prison food, everything tastes good to me.
Maggie: So you were in prison?
Susan: He was totally innocent.
Mike: Yeah, a woman was bludgeoned to death, and her blood wound up on my wrench.
Maggie: Oh, my god.
Susan: But he was cleared. All charges dropped. Here. Eat this.
[She shoves an hors d'oeuvre into his mouth]
Maggie: It's just so awful. I mean, to go to jail for a crime you didn't commit.
Mike: Oh, it was just a few months. Now my first stretch for manslaughter... that was brutal.

Mike: Should I have told her we were having steak? She's not like, a vegetarian or something, is she?
Susan: Oh, no, no. No, Edie's definitely a carnivore.

Carlos: Why don't we just tell her the truth?
Gabrielle: What? Mommy rides Daddy like a mechanical bull for jewelry.

Susan: What are you smiling about?
Mike: I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are. They were all just answered.

Susan: You can afford a cabin, but you can't scrape up child support?
Karl: The check is in the mail.
Susan: Uh...
[checks mailbox]
Susan: No, it's not.

Tom: Wow, honey, look, this place looks spotless!
Lynette: Thanks.
Tom: Listen, I have come up with this killer idea for the Spotless Scrub campaign.
Lynette: Great! You wanna run it by me?
Tom: No. I'm good. But, thanks.
Lynette: Okay.
Tom: Well, that's the thing. You know how whenever I pitch in the boardroom at work, how Kennesey always tears my ideas down in front of the partners?
Lynette: Yeah?
Tom: I invited the partners and their wives over so I could pitch to them here. And I thought we could make a formal dinner for six. We could sit, we could...
Lynette: And when exactly would this formal dinner take place?
Tom: Uh... day after tomorrow!
Lynette: Tom!
Tom: Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know I know it's short notice.
Lynette: You think? How am I supposed to pull off a formal dinner with no warning?
Tom: I don't know. Bree Van de Kamp does this kind of thing all the time...

Susan: Marriage is like these bonbons. You never know what you're getting until you're right in the middle of it.
[Susan breaks open one bonbon chocolate]
Susan: [gasps] It's one of those hard jelly ones. Do you think that's an omen?

[Alisa Stevens is a deaf woman]
Alisa: Dennis left me.
Lynette: What?

Susan: OK, before we go any further, can I check these diplomas? Just to make sure they aren't, like, from some med school in the Philippines?

Susan: I have a clog.
Mike: Excuse me?
Susan: And you're a plumber, right?
Mike: Yeah.
Susan: The clog's in the pipe.
Mike: Yeah, that's usually where they are.

Bree: [speaking to her son after she catches him in a strip club] Andrew, I'm curious. When you fantasize about this woman, do you ever stop to think how she came to be on this runway? That's someone's little girl. And that someone probably had a lot of dreams for her. Dreams that did not include a thong... and a pole...

Gabrielle: And some people kiss their friends, it's like a high-five on the lips!

Mary: Death is inevitable. It's a promise made to each of us at birth. But before that promise is kept, we all hope something will happen to us... whether it's the thrill of romance, the joy of raising a family, or the anguish of great loss. We all hope to experience something that make our lives meaningful, but the sad fact is not all lives have meaning. Some people spend their time on this planet just sitting on the sidelines waiting for something to happen to them... before it's too late.

[first lines]
Mary: [narrating voice over] An odd thing happens when we die, our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell and sound become a distant memory. But our sight? Ah, our sight expands. And we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course, most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living, if they would only take the time to look.

Susan: I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me.
Karl: Now why would I do that?
Susan: Well, for starters, because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life.
Karl: I'll bring the wine.

[as the riot goes on]
Lynette: This is all on you, I hope you know that!
Paul: Me? Those are your friends out there, Lynette. The solid citizens of Fairview! Tell me again why you think they're better than a bunch of ex-cons.

Andrew: Isn't that weird? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes!

Lynette: What did you say?
Tom: Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. That's - you know what, forget it. I'll call and I'll cancel. Don't worry about it.
Lynette: No, no. Let's, let's do it.
Tom: Really?
Lynette: Yeah, it's good for your career. I'll pull it off.

Gabrielle: Damn it, John! What's our new rule?
John: [sadly] Stop pretending we have a future.

Mary: [narrating voice over] As the sun slowly settled on Wisteria Lane, an unsettled Susan racked her brain to find a way into her own house.
[Susan holds the plant in front of her naked body and sidesteps her way down the steps and toward the garden shed on the left side of the house which is also locked. She tiptoes to the window and tries to open it, but it's stuck. She puts the plant down and uses two hands to open it, but slips and falls on her back into her shrubs]
Mary: [narrating voice over] Lying naked in her shrubs, it occurred to Susan that this could be the most humiliating moment of her life.
[Mike walks by and notices her naked in the shrubs]
Mike: Susan?
Mary: [narrating voice over] She was wrong.
Mike: [averting his eyes and grinning] Uh...whatcha' doing?
Susan: Locked myself out...naked.
Mike: Oh.
Susan: And then I fell.
[crosses her legs]
Susan: So how are you?
Mike: Good, good. I just got back. I've been gone all day, and I got your message about dinner, and, um, I would love to come if the invite still stands.
Susan: It's a date.
Mike: Alright, I um, assume the dress is, uh, casual.
Susan: Yeah, it's...it's casual.
[Mike nods, grinning as he walks off. Susan squeals and covers herself with the plants]

Carlos: [after having learnt Gabrielle's mother does not believe her daughter was abused by her ex-husband] Hey, I was thinking... we should look into adoption.
Gabrielle: Seriously? But I thought you wanted a kid with your own DNA?
Carlos: Blood isn't everything

Gabrielle: Why are all rich men such jerks?
Carlos: The same reason why all beautiful women are bitches.

Tom: [Lynette is sitting at her computer] What're you doing?
Lynette: I'm just talking to Porter on Silverfizz.
Tom: Who is Sarah J from MacArthur High School?
Lynette: Me! I'm sixteen, cute, I like graphic novels and Tokyo Police Club.
Tom: Oh my God! You're pretending to be somebody else!
Lynette: Our brooding son has a classmate who got arrested for selling drugs, I really think the ends justify the means.
Tom: We'll address you major ethical breach in a moment. What did you find out?
Lynette: The good news is he really doesn't hang out with that guy, but I am a little worried about 'Anita47' who told him cherry fruit pops are an aphordesiac.
Tom: OK, you got what you came for, you know who he hangs around with, now time to stop.
Lynette: You're probably right, it's just, did you know Porter writes poetry?
Tom: Seriously?
Lynette: Yeah, our Porter, the kid who communicates with grunts and shrugs, writes this beautiful, heartwrenching poetry.

[Lynette is on the floor in the grocery store trying to call Tom because a women is holding hostages in the back, at gun-point]
Parker: [Parker picks up] Hello?
Lynette: Hello, sweetie it's mommy, I need to talk to daddy.
Parker: Porter's hogging all the Legos.
Lynette: Tell them I said to share, now put daddy on.
Parker: I did tell them, but he says he needs them all for his robot!
Lynette: Put daddy on and I'll buy you a real robot.
Parker: [his eyes get wide with excitement] You will?
Lynette: A big one with laser beam eyes, now go, get daddy!
Parker: [to the twins] I'm getting a real robot!
[twins shouting complaints]

Julie: You know I wouldn't steal!
Susan: I'd like to believe you, but drinking beer? Bringing home boys?
Austin: And next thing you know she'll be listening to that rock music everyone's talking about.

Tom: You told a teenage boy you liked his poetry? Geez Lynette why not just flash him a boob?
Lynette: shh he'll here you...

Bree: Why is this happening?
Rex: Because you can't even let me pack my own suitcase.

Veronica: [She and Lynette, who reluctantly volunteered to try to talk her out of breastfeeding her 5-year-old son, Donovan, are going back and forth on whether it's still a good thing, with Veronica getting the upper hand on her argument that breastmilk makes kids more calm and studious, especially after the point is proven when Donovan is shown quietly coloring in a book while the Scavo boys loudly tip over a table, destroy something made from Legos on it]
[scoffs]
Veronica: Yeah, uh, you know Lynette, maybe if you had weaned your boys off your breast a little later, they'd be a little more civilized.
[She then approaches Lynette, and says quietly but sternly]
Veronica: Listen and listen good. Stay out of the business of how I raise my son, or you'll be hearing from my lawyer!
[Walks away]

Rex: [to his wife Bree] You know what? If you were my mom, I'd smoke pot, too!

Gabrielle: I don't even know who to be angry at.
Father: Don't be angry, be thankful, children are a gift.
Gabrielle: I don't have time for this crap.

John: What other option do you have? Except return the shoes and get your money back.
Gabrielle: Return the shoes? I can't talk to you when you're hysterical.

[at dinner party with all the wives and their partners]
Bree: Rex cries after he ejaculates.

Bree: [to Susan, Gabrielle and Lynette] It's the age old question, isn't it? How much do we really want to know about our neighbors?

Gabrielle: [to Carlos about Ellie] Okay, there may be two tramps in this house, but only one of them is getting paid.

Kendra: Six weeks in the suburban jungle, and this is all you got?
Mike: There are over three hundred families in this subdivision. It will take time to check 'em all out.
Kendra: Dad said the last time he saw you, you were ready to quit.
Mike: Well, I changed my mind.
Kendra: This is a gigantic waste of your time and my father's money.
Mike: You afraid of the old man burning through your inheritance?
Kendra: That's not funny. Mike, here's the thing.
Mike: What?
Kendra: Dad can't chase ghosts alone. If you stop, he'll have to accept it's over. Let me have my father back.
Mike: If I quit he'll just hire somebody else.
Kendra: Not if you tell him there's nothing here to find.
Mike: Oh, I can't do that.
Kendra: What happens when your girlfriend finds out you're not just this sweet, neighborly plumber? You're lying to her, Mike.

Eleanor: It took me a week to forgive Esperanza.
Henry: Now she's like family again.
Eleanor: Family who stole from us.

Lynette: Oh, wait, I got to tell you. I was having trouble with swelling so the doctor took me off the pill, so you're just gonna have to put on a condom.
Tom: A condom?
Lynette: Yeah.
Tom: What's the big deal? Let's risk it.
Lynette: Let's risk it?
Tom: Yeah.
[Lynette punches him in the face]

[first lines]
Mary: Competition. It means different things to different people. In suburbia, it means keeping up with the Joneses. On Wisteria Lane, that means keeping up with Bree Van De Kamp. Everyone knew Bree had the nicest lawn in the neighborhood, and no one begrudged her this. No one, that is, except Martha Hoover, whose own lawn paled in comparison. No matter how carefully she trimmed, or how lovingly she watered, or how generously she fertilized, the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence.

Mary: [voice-over] Yes, each new day in suburbia brings with it a new set of lies. The worst are the ones we tell ourselves right before we fall asleep. We whisper them in the dark, telling ourselves we're happy, or that he's happy. That we can change, or that he will change his mind. We persuade ourselves that we can live with our sins, or that we can live without him. Yes, each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate, desperate hope that come morning... it will all be true.

Tom: So what are you gonna do? are you gonna tell him the truth now or are you gonna wait until after he kills me and blinds himself?

Susan: What do you mean 'you two' were the hottest chicks on the lane?
Lynette: She called me a 'baby factory'?
Karen: Yeah Gabby in hindsight maybe you shouldn't have told that part of the story
Gabrielle: Oh pfft!

Bree: I like to try out new recipes before the actual holiday. That way if the cookbook's gotten it wrong, I can fix it.

Father: You're pregnant?
Gabrielle: Yes, and it's impossible. I'm on the pill which I know you probably think is a sin but it's a 99.9% effective sin.
Father: Maybe its in the .1% that God resides.
Gabrielle: You just couldn't wait to throw that in, could you?

Bree: [to Alma] You... RAPED my husband!

Bree: [final words to Rex] You look magnificent.

[last lines]
Mary: People are complicated creatures. On the one hand, able to perform great acts of charity. On the other, capable of the most underhanded forms of betrayal. It's a constant battle that rages within all of us - between the better angels of our nature and the temptation of our inner demons. And, sometimes, the only way to ward off the darkness... is to shine the light of compassion.
Gabrielle: [to Susan] They took him away in handcuffs.
[sobs]

Mary: Voice over: Lynette Scavo had always trusted her husband. She had no idea that trust was about to go up in flames

Carlos: Did I ever tell you when I knew I was going to marry you?
Gabrielle: First time you saw me on the runway.
Carlos: Nooo. That's when I knew I was gonna sleep with you.
[chuckles]
Carlos: Nah, I knew I was going to marry you the night we went to that restaurant on 3rd Street.
Gabrielle: Mmm. I remember that place.
Carlos: Mm-hmm. You wore a white linen sundress and
[chuckles]
Carlos: you ordered this giant plate of ribs. And you ate them with such gusto - up to your elbows in barbecue sauce, meat hanging from your teeth and grease in your hair - and when it was all over, I pointed out what a mess you were. You pulled out your mirror, took a look at yourself, and just let out this huge, happy, totally unrestrained laugh. The room completely filled with it, and I thought to myself now *that* is a sound I'd like to hear the rest of my life. That's why I proposed to you. And it had nothing to do with your looks.
Gabrielle: You know when I decided I wanted to be with you forever?
Carlos: No. When?
Gabrielle: About two seconds ago.
[kisses Carlos]
Gabrielle: Up until then, it was pretty touch and go.

Bree: Rex and I are hosting a dinner party for 10 next week. We're using our best china and serving duck.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: So, you and Rex are a couple again?
Bree: Yes. You know, that's one of the things I hated most about our separation, not being able to throw dinner parties. There is just something so civilized and elegant about them, don't you think?
Dr. Albert Goldfine: I take it you've resolved your feelings about his infidelity?
Bree: Let's just say I've put them in an imaginary box and don't plan on looking at them for a while.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: Do you think that's the healthiest way to achieve a reconciliation?
Bree: Well, it won't be easy at first. There will be a lot of forced smiles and perfunctory lovemaking, but after a few decades whiz by, I'm sure I'll find a way to forgive him.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: Well, as long as you have a plan.
[smirks]
Bree: [Looking pensive] I do want to forgive him Dr. Goldfine but,
[pauses]
Bree: there is still something he's not telling me.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: Really?
Bree: I think it has something to do with why he had the affair.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: Have you confronted him?
Bree: Once... and you should have seen the look in his eyes. He was terrified that I'd figure it out.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: [looks away]
Bree: You know what it is, don't you?
Dr. Albert Goldfine: Bree, I can't discuss other patients.
Bree: I realize that. This thing that he is hiding, is it bad?
Dr. Albert Goldfine: [Looks away]
Bree: OH! OK, um,
[nervous laugh]
Bree: maybe it's better that I don't know.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: Bree, how does the reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can't be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?
Bree: We're, um, WASPs Dr. Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best.
Dr. Albert Goldfine: You'd settle for that? A life filled with repression and denial?
Bree: And the dinner parties. Don't forget the dinner parties.

Orson: They got him for organ trafficking.
Bree: What?

Lynette: Well, of course you can stay here as long as you want.
Renee: Thanks. And to show you my appreciation, I would like to pay for your first face-lift.
Lynette: That is so generous. Although, now that you've had nine, you probably get the next one free.

Edie: Tell me anyway. Just in case you're not saying I'm a big slut.
Bree: Oh, come on, Edie. Carlos, Mike, Karl. You do have a way at picking at other women's leftovers.

Nora: You think I'm crazy.
Lynette: No! You're... colorful. Colorful in a way that might respond to medication.

Tom: So what do you gals do when you get together?
Gabrielle: Mostly gossip. You got any good gossip?
Tom: ...Oh I heard Ed Simmons got a new Harley!
Gabrielle: ...You know I should get back...
Tom: Come on give me a break. I'm still new at this.
Gabrielle: Ok. We'll start with something a little easier. Bitching.
Tom: I can handle that! Bitch away!
Gabrielle: Well, I am so pissed at Carlos, he is never home. And when he is, he's to tired to do anything. And by anything I mean sex.
[Tom stares at her]
Gabrielle: Are you uncomfortable?
Tom: A little... go on.
Gabrielle: Well we've never had a drought like this it's been almost two weeks.
Tom: Two weeks? That's a drought for you?
Gabrielle: Yeah. Lately Carlos just doesn't want to do it
Tom: Err! Wrong! Guys always wanna do it.
Gabrielle: Really?
Tom: Yeah!
Gabrielle: Even if you're tired and get home late?
Tom: Even if we're exhausted and late and been shot in the leg... twice! We still want to. So you've just gotta get past the tired adult to find the horny teenage boy inside.
Gabrielle: Huh. It's good to know... You're good at this girl talk thing!
Tom: Well thanks! So um, does Lynette ever talk about me and sex?
Gabrielle: ...Yeah, I should get back...

Bree: Tonight was a very unusual situation. I wish you could've known me when Rex was alive and my kids were young and everything was the way it was supposed to be. I think you really would've liked me so much.
Peter: I like you just fine.
Bree: Really? Because I don't.

Rex: [to Dr.Goldfine] This is the thing you've got to know about Bree, she doesn't like to talk about her feelings. To be honest, it's hard to know if she has any. Does she feel anger, rage, ecstasy? Who knows? She's always pleasant, and I can't tell you how annoying that is. Whatever she feels, it's so far below the surface...

Carlos: Gaby, these pictures have to be wholesome. They gotta say 'these people will do a great job raising a child.
Gabrielle: So?
Carlos: So, you're topless.
Gabrielle: Yeah, but it's St. Barts and your hands are covering my naughty parts.
Carlos: Do you mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the one that's holding the Cuban cigar?
Gabrielle: Yeah, that was a good trip.

Tom: [to Lynette about Kayla] She threw your doll in the trash?
Lynette: No. First, she ripped off its arms, stuffed it with chili, then she threw it in the trash.
Tom: So what did you do?
Lynette: Nothing.
Tom: And this is after you let her watch TV during dinner?
Lynette: I didn't know what else to do. I'm trying to win over a little girl who clearly doesn't want a new mother.
Tom: Well, I guess giving her special treatment isn't gonna solve anything.
Lynette: You know what might solve something? If you were home once in a while. You're the one she listens to.
Tom: I am trying to open up a restaurant. Our life savings is riding on this thing.
Lynette: I know, I know, I know.
Tom: You know what? I don't want you to be afraid to take a firm hand with Kayla. She's part of our family now, and you know what that means.
Lynette: Yeah. I should treat her as badly as I treat my own children.

Kendra: Coming through! Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Kendra.
Susan: Susan.
Kendra: I'm gonna run to the car and get my stuff.

Father: Gabrielle, the Church is pretty clear about this. If you commit a mortal sin and you die without repenting, you go to hell.
Gabrielle: Aren't you just a ball of fun?
[pauses, sighs]
Gabrielle: So, if I confess, it will clean the slate, right?
Father: Not only that, if you want God's forgiveness, you have to be truly sorry and you have to promise not to commit the sin again.
Gabrielle: So what happens if I repent... later? Like, say, when I'm 75?
Father: I wouldn't recommend waiting. What if you die before then?
Gabrielle: Well, let's say I *don't* die? I... do yoga, I eat well. If I wait, does my repenting still count?
Father: If you mean it, yes.
Gabrielle: Thank you, Father Crowley.
[grabs purse]
Gabrielle: You have been a tremendous comfort. Um, I will let you do your thing.
[quickly walks away]
Father: Gabrielle,
[Gabrielle stops and turns to face him]
Father: you know we are all responsible for the choices we make. Don't you wanna be a good person?
Gabrielle: What I want is to be happy.
Father: That's the answer of a selfish child.
Gabrielle: I know.

Juanita: We're bored...
Lynette: Hey I got you sodas didn't I and I let you feed the paper shredder.
Juanita: Don't you have any toys?
Lynette: No. Got a hole puncher! Sorry that's the best I could do. Come on.
Juanita: [Juanita and Cecilia see Lucy's figurines] What about those glass things? They're pretty can we hold one?
Lynette: Oh sweety those aren't to play with. Not unless you want to see someone go completely bonkers... Actually, they do look like a lot of fun. If only I had the power to stop you.

Susan: I think we should give it to Paul.
Gabrielle: He's still mourning Susan. He'll probably freak out.
Susan: It doesn't matter. She was his wife. He deserves to have all the facts.
Bree: Well, we could do it gently. We could tell him about it over coffee and pastry.
Lynette: That'll be fun. "Paul, we have proof your wife killed herself over some deep dark secret. Another bear claw".

Gabrielle: First of all, I am gonna show her one of our tax returns. Once she sees how much money we have, I have a hunch we are gonna look a whole lot whiter.

[last lines]
Mary: Death is inevitable. It's a promise made to each of us at birth. But before that promise is kept, we all hope something will happen to us... whether it's the thrill of romance, the joy of raising a family, or the anguish of great loss. We all hope to experience something that make our lives meaningful, but the sad fact is not all lives have meaning. Some people spend their time on this planet just sitting on the sidelines waiting for something to happen to them... before it's too late.

Dave: [to Lynette] You know what a midlife crisis is?
Lynette: I'm married to a 45 year old man who has a red convertible. Yeah, I think I know.

Iris: [Both sitting down in Iris's living room, having coffee] I'm sorry I couldn't get an address or anything.
Patrick: You got me everything I needed.
Iris: Good. So... then I guess...?
Patrick: Ah! Of course.
[hands her an envelope full of money]
Iris: I know you've been looking for Angie for a long time but there's not gonna be any trouble, right?
Patrick: Trouble?
Iris: Well, you're not gonna like, hurt her or anything?
Patrick: She took something of mine. I want it back.
Iris: Okay. It's just I like Rose and I don't ever want to hear that something bad happened to her kid.
Patrick: You should get that money to the bank. This place doesn't seem very safe to me.
Iris: What are you talking about? Look at all those locks.
Patrick: Yeah, but what if someone were to come up this fire escape?
Iris: Oh, that window is always locked.
Patrick: You think that's gonna stop them?
[Opens the window and wraps his scarf around his hand, leans through and punches the other window]
Iris: [Startled] What are you doing?
Patrick: They reach through, unlock the window,
[he tightens the scarf in his hands straight across]
Patrick: and now you're in trouble.

[last lines]
Mary: We all honor heroes for different reasons - sometimes for their daring, sometimes for their bravery, sometimes for their goodness. But, mostly, we honor heroes because, at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued. Of course, if the right hero doesn't come along, sometimes we just have to rescue ourselves.

Paul: I'm surprised you agreed to see me.
Felicia: I wanted to spit in your face. I didn't realise there'd be glass.

Susan: How do you sleep at night?
Edie: Soon... with Mike on top of me.

[Bree is compulsively fixing a button on Dr. Goldfine's jacket during their session]
Dr. Goldfine: I'm sure Freud would not approve of this.
Bree: Oh, who cares what he thinks. I took psychology in college. We learned all about Freud. A miserable human being.
Dr. Goldfine: What makes you say that?
Bree: Well, think about it. He grew up in the late 1800s. There were no appliances back then. His mother had to do everything by hand, just backbreaking work from sunup to sundown, not to mention the countless other sacrifices she probably had to make to take care of her family. And what does he do? He grows up and becomes famous, peddling a theory that the problems of most adults can be traced back to something awful their mother has done. She must have felt so betrayed. He saw how hard she worked. He saw what she did for him. Did he even ever think to say thank you? I doubt it.

Andrew: Well, could you live with a woman who hits you?
Eleanor: Bree!
Bree: Oh, I slapped him once and he deserved it!
Andrew: I just asked her to stop drinking.
Henry: You were drinking?
Eleanor: She's in A.A. Her sponsor has long hair.
Bree: Andrew, I find your concern ironic given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor's mother with your car!
Eleanor: Is she okay?
Bree: She's dead!
Andrew: Well, mom watched as her boyfriend committed suicide. And he was the same guy who killed dad!
Bree: Andrew falsely accused me of molestation... in a mall!

Lynette: [Preston, Porter and Lynette help a drunk Tom inside] Ok, easy easy, you're a little drunk there.
Tom: [kiss Lynette] That's cause I love you Lynette
Lynette: I love you to baby, there you go.
Tom: [turns to Porter still helping him] And I love you Preston.
Porter: I'm Porter
Tom: I never could tell you two apart, but you're my favourite
[Porter raises his eyebrows and helps Tom to sit down, takes of Tom's shows for him]
Tom: Lynette how come you let me drink so many margaritas?
Preston: Yeah and why did we have to stay to closing? It's almost 2.00
Lynette: Who cares what time it is? We were celebrating a big change in your dad's life.
Tom: WOOHOO!
Lynette: Woo! Hey someone called.
[plays the message about the mix up with the time for Tom's test, for the next day at 8.00am]
Tom: Oh cram! I gotta crap for that test1
Lynette: Oh geez...

Gabrielle: [to Carlos] Do you know how bored I was today? I came this close to actually cleaning the house.

Bree: [after Andrew tells her he hates her] The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care, and we're still connected... and I still have a chance to set you right.

Bree: [to Rex] When is your midlife crisis going to end, because it's really starting to tick me off!

Renee: I gotta say Lynette, this place is adorable. It's so cosy and intimate and...
Lynette: Pay attention kids. You're learning a lot of new words for "small".

Mary: Human beings are designed for many things. Loneliness isn't one of them.

Gabrielle: Here's your breakfast.
Juanita: Oooh! Toast! Let me know when your cookbook comes out.

[Porter finds out he's been flirting with his mother online, when she signs a 'Dear John' letter to him 'Love Mom']
[He comes down to where she is at her computer, he has a very sad and betrayed look on his face, and he places a book of poetry in front of her and walks away, leaving her looking ashamed]
Lynette: [Porter is sitting at the table eating a sandwich] Hi, mind if I join you?
[he ignores her]
Lynette: OK, I know what I did was unforgivable and I am not trying to make excuses, but we used to talk all the time, and then one day it just stopped, and it killed me. I felt like I lost you and then I was Sarah J and I had you back and we where talking again and you where telling me things.
Porter: [Mad at her] I wasn't telling you anything, I was telling her.
Lynette: [Porter looks sad] Well, for what it's worth, I loved our conversations and I'm going to miss them.
[She walks off]
Porter: [Whispers] Me too.

Danielle: Why can't we ever have normal soups? Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?
Bree: Well, Danielle, your father is deathly allergic to onions, and I won't even dignify your *navy bean* suggestion with a response.

Lynette: What are you doing? We are at a wake!
Preston: When we got here you said we could go in the pool.
Lynette: I said you could go by the pool. Do you have your swimsuits on?
Preston: Yeah, we put them on under our clothes before we left.

Tom: The kids would benefit from having two stay-at-home parents. Although buying food might become an issue.

Andrew: Mom, I'm gonna take these bowls to the kitchen...
Bree: Oh! thanks, dear.
Andrew: With you... What are you doing?
Bree: Oh, I'm trying to stay out of the way of all the sparks that are flying...
Andrew: Sparks? The man is twice my age.
Bree: Yes, but he's also... he's got a great sense of... OK, do you know how hard it is to get a good contractor?
Andrew: Oh my God.
Bree: And poor Walter just had his heart broken, so if it takes you being nice to hime to have our house fixed...
Andrew: You're pimping me out for a new roof?
Bree: And windows... and I'm not pimping you out, I'm simply asking you to show some kindness to a lonely man who happens to be an excellent roofer.
Andrew: Look, if by kindness you mean sex...
Bree: Watch your mouth, I would never suggest that. You can raise a man's hopes without satisfying them, I've done it all my life. Andrew, I have got to get back into my house, and you're my only hope.
Andrew: Fine, for you I'll flirt, I'll flatter and I'll charm.
Bree: Bless you...
Andrew: And in exchange... I expect a 60-inch flat-screen TV.
Bree: Fine. And if you can get him to come on time and under budget, I'll throw in surround sound.

Susan: Marisa, I'm not gonna pretend to understand what you're dealing with, but I have a friend who went through the same thing, and she said that as awful as it was, keeping the secret only makes it worse.

Rex: [after Rex has asked for a divorce in a family restaurant] Are we gonna talk about what I said?
Bree: [to Rex] If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled "Chicks" and "Dudes", you are out of your mind.

Bree: [to Andrew] Now what is it, dear?
Andrew: Well, um, Danielle's upstairs trying to commit suicide.
[Bree questions Andrew with a look, and then she and Orson rush upstairs]
Andrew: There's no rush. She's not trying that hard.

[Bree has agreed to try "dominating" Rex]
Rex: If things do get too rough, we'll have a control word. If one of us says it, the other backs off immediately.
Bree: Okay. So what's our control word?
Rex: Well, lately I've been using "Philadelphia". What's wrong?
Bree: Well, it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia, and I don't want to be thinking about her while I'm spanking you with a leather strap.
Rex: Okay. Fine. You pick a control word.
Bree: Um, how about "Boise"?
Rex: "Boise"?
Bree: What's the matter with "Boise"?
Rex: We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like "Boise" would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious.
Bree: Hmm.
[sombre tone]
Bree: How about "Palestine"?
Rex: "Boise" will be just fine.

[after Mary Alice kills Diedre with a knife]
Paul: Oh, Mary Alice! What have you done?

Julie: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex?
[Susan's pen halts stroke and stops what she is doing. She turns to look at Julie, open-mouthed]
Julie: Are you mad that I asked you that?
Susan: No, I'm just trying to remember.
[Julie tilts her head to one side, smiling at Susan, who turns back to her drawing]
Susan: I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out.

Bree: God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them! So, Lynette said that you found Zack.
Susan: He's at a rehabilitation center. Julie snuck in and actually talked to him.
Lynette: Did he say anything about his mother's suicide?
Susan: There wasn't enough time. He did say one thing that was kind of mysterious. He said something happened to someone named Dana, and that he could never ever talk about it.
Gabrielle: Who the hell's Dana?
Lynette: That's the mystery part.
Susan: I figure Dana has something to do with what Mary Alice was trying to hide.
Lynette: So somebody found out Mary Alice's secret...
Bree: ...and sent the note.
Gabrielle: So who the hell is that?

Father: Gabrielle! What brings you down here?
[Gabrielle's expression saddens]
Father: Oh, sweet Mother of God, what have you done *this* time?

[after the kids bite and knock the beefy middle-aged woman over]
Lynette: Run, boys, run!

Kayla: [to Lynette] I think it's good that you're punishing the twins because they're bad kids and they deserve to be punished.

Susan: So Renee, you have to tell us, what was Lynette like in college?
Renee: Absolutely fearless. She just kept wearing those parachute pants, lesbian rumours be damned.
Lynette: Yes, Renee was always the one with the fashion sense. Before I met her, I'd never even heard of Gucci or Prada or Chlamydia.

Gabrielle: Hey, Danielle.
Danielle: Hey, Mrs. Solis.
Gabrielle: Oh, Danielle, remember when you said you wanted to be a model?
Danielle: You remember that? That was, like, last summer!
Gabrielle: Well, as it turns out, Pershing Modeling Academy has an opening for their summer program. Would you like me to sponsor you?
Danielle: Would I? Oh my god, that's like one of the best schools in the country! You would do that for me?
Gabrielle: I sure would.
Danielle: I would so love to go to New York.
Gabrielle: Oh, and I would so love to help you get there.

Bree: [after seeing Andrew and Justin in bed together] First of all, I want you to march back upstairs and tell your friend he his no longer welcome in this house.
Andrew: But we haven't even had breakfast yet.

[the twins put gum in Parker's hair, so Lynette is trying to scrape it out, the entire time he is in pain]
Lynette: Well, yeah I know it hurts, but that's what you get when you let your brothers put bubble gum in your hair, pain and misery.
Parker: Are you mad at me?
Lynette: Yes, yes, I am mad at you. And I'm also cranky. You know how you get when you haven't taken a nap? Well mommies are the same way, we need our down time and if we don't get it, we end up saying and doing things which we don't normally do. And it's frustrating for me too because I do wanna be the best mommy I can be.
Parker: I think you're the best mommy in the world!
Lynette: That's sweet of you but it's not exactly true.
[She gets out hair clippers, he looks scared]

Carlos: That was our lawyer. Libby rejected us as parents.
Gabrielle: Why?
Gabrielle: What? That's discrimination. It's illegal. We could have her arrested.
Carlos: It's her baby. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it. Damn it.
Gabrielle: No! No, you don't just toss people aside because of the color of their skin.
Carlos: We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance.
Gabrielle: Well, that's different.
Carlos: Why?
Gabrielle: Because I've read the constitution and it does not protect ugly people.

[after Andrew pushes Bree, Rex grabs him and throws him into the wall]
Rex: If you ever touch your mother like that again, I will throw you right through this wall! You hear me?

Bree: I think you'd love the opera. The music and the voices, it's just all so passionate.
Peter: Yeah, three hundred-pound soprano seducing balding tenors. That'd be hot!

Orson: Oh, I have been her dentist for years, but last week, I was looking into her mouth and decided to stick my tongue in it.

Felicia: Don't look shocked, Martha, makes your face look fat.

Edie: [to Dave] I always wondered why you were so determined to live on Wisteria Lane.

Mike: I'm Mike Delfino. I just started renting the Sims' house next door.
Susan: Susan Mayer. I live across the street.

Mary: Every little girl dreams of a big, white wedding. But some dreams... just don't come true.

Rex: I can't believe you tried to kill me.
Bree: Yes, well, I feel badly about that.

Hector: Your mail came.
Gabrielle: You said you were leaving.
Hector: No, I said I was giving you space. I did. I was watching you from my car.
Gabrielle: Look, the guy who broke in stole ice cream. I don't think I'm in any danger. So you can go. I don't need you.
Hector: Carlos says you do. Where are you going?
Gabrielle: Shopping. Not that it's any of your business.
Hector: You sure like to shop.
Gabrielle: Yes, I do.
Hector: That's all I've seen you do the past day and a half.
Gabrielle: Uh-huh.
Hector: All that shopping must be making up for something.
Gabrielle: Excuse me?
Hector: You know, Carlos has your number. He says you're one tough cookie. So tough, you don't have to deal with your feelings. He's a perceptive man.
Gabrielle: He thought I was cheating with two gay guys. Are you sure you want to go with perceptive?
Hector: Well, let's see. It's been what, a week since you lost your baby?
Gabrielle: Yeah, so?
Hector: So, I never heard of shopping out the pain.
Gabrielle: Why is everyone on my back about this? I will deal with my loss my way, okay?

Eleanor: This is pornography for huh-homosexuals.

Orson: He's here, he's queer and we're ok with it!

Nora: [shot] "Kayla was the one thing I did good in my life. Promise me you'll take really good care of her."
Lynette: [nods]
Nora: Come on, I don't have all day.
Lynette: [crying] I will, I promise

George: Well... I'll see you, Dr. Van De Kamp.
Rex: Please, you're dating my wife. Call me Rex.

M.J. Delfino: Daddy!
Mike: Hey buddy, hey are you hungry?
M.J. Delfino: No mummy made spaghetti!
[points at the ceiling]

[last lines]
Mary: [narrating voice over] Yes, I remember the world, every detail. And what I remember most is how afraid I was
[shot of Bree holding Mary Alice's audio tape]
Mary: . What a waste.
[Bree looks out the window]
Mary: You see, to live in fear is not to live at all. I wish I could tell this to those I left behind.
[shot of Gabrielle and John sleeping in bed together]
Mary: But would it do any good? Probably not
[Gabrielle looks out the window]
Mary: . I understand now. There will always be those who face their fears
[shot of Susan looking through pictures, she looks out the window]
Mary: . And there will always be those... who run away
[shot of Paul hammering a "For Sale" sign into the yard of his house]
Mary: .

Mike: Where we close?
Edie: Honestly, we lived about fifteen feet from each other and you barely knew that I existed.
Mike: Seriously?
Edie: It's true, I mean you weren't rude or anything. We'd wave or exchange hello's as we went to get our mail but you never really looked at me. Well, not really... I was just another neighbour to you.
Mike: Well if we weren't friends then why are you here everyday helping me?
Edie: Because from the first moment I laid eyes on you, I sorta fell in love with you.
Mike: Oh.
Edie: Yeah and I'm not telling you this because I expect anything so you can just relax, okay?
Mike: Okay.
Edie: But when you do come back home and we do run into each other when we're getting our mail. I'd really appreciate it if you'd just look at me, that's all.

Susan: How could we have all forgotten about this?
Lynette: We didn't exactly forget. It's just that usually when the hostess dies, the party is off.
Bree: Lynette!
Lynette: I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality.

Tom: I had to let all of our employees go. So starting tomorrow you kids are my new wait staff!
Lynette: Tom what the hell are you talking about?
Tom: I got it all worked out. You and I will handle the days and the kids will join us after school and on the weekends.
Parker: Um. At the risk of sounding spoiled. No.
Tom: come on it'll be fantastic! We'll love working together!
Porter: Why? we don't even like living together.
Tom: look labor is our number one cost if we can eliminate it we'll start making a profit again.
Preston: what you're not even gonna pay us?
Penny: I'm nine is that even legal?
Tom: I think so... but just to be safe you're now 15. Happy Birthday!

Mary: [narrating voice over] Susan was furious with Edie for using a dog to ingratiate herself with its owner. She was also furious with Mike for not seeing through this blatant maneuver. But most of all, she was furious with herself for not having thought of it first.

Edie: Carlos! You've got to understand, I do want a baby with you. Just not yet, I... I just wanted to give you a chance to fall in love with me first.
Carlos: I don't believe you and I will never trust you again.
Edie: Well what was I supposed to do? You backed me into a corner! And you were going to bail on us and I was just trying save what we had.
[He starts to walk away]
Edie: Carlos! Don't leave me, please just talk to me.
Carlos: I am done with you.
Edie: Carlos!
Minister: Ladies and gentlemen I present to you, Mr and Mrs Victor Lang.
Edie: I'm sorry!
[she bursts into tears]

Gabrielle: [to Carlos] What are you doing at Mike's house?
Carlos: I live here.
Gabrielle: What do you mean you live there? Since when?
Carlos: Gaby, my car's been in the driveway for three weeks. Even you can't be that self-absorbed.
Gabrielle: Well, as you can see, I have more pleasant thing to focus on.
Carlos: So when you gonna tell Jimmy Olsen there that you hate picnics?
Gabrielle: I'm gonna hang up now.

Martha: Susan, have you been able to find any old clothes for Edie? She has nothing to wear.
Susan: I thought that was the look she was going for.
Martha: Oh, Susan! Edie may be trash but she's still a human being!

Ellie: Gaby, can I talk to you?
Gabrielle: About how you snitched on me to Carlos? No, thanks. I'm all caught up on that.
Ellie: I'm sorry, but I know from experience what cheating can do to people.
Gabrielle: Let me guess. This story ends with you throwing your boyfriend's varsity jacket in the lake?
Ellie: When I was 13, my dad caught my mom having an affair and he walked out on us.
Gabrielle: Oh.
Ellie: We had nothing. And my mom went crazy, and I ended up on the street. To survive, I... I had to do a bunch of stuff that I'm not proud of.
Gabrielle: Oh, Ellie, I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
Ellie: Point is, the one bad decision can mess up a lot of lives and I just don't want that to happen to you and Carlos cause I love you guys.

Gabrielle: Wow, you guys play rough.
Lynette: No, it's just what we do. It's fun. I tease her about being all botulism from the nose up...
Renee: ...and I tease her about being all cottage cheese from the waist down.

Lynette: Do you know what psychological warfare is?
[shakes his head]
Porter: No?
Lynette: Too bad for you.

Edie: What the hell happened to you? Look at you. Your clothes, your hair... Carlos might be blind, but the rest of us aren't.
Gabrielle: I had two children.
Edie: For what... breakfast?

Mike: Why are you mopping the roof?
Susan: I was cooking, alright?
Mike: Lids Susan. You really gotta start using lids.
Susan: Sometimes it's the stoves fault.

[Phyllis has been crying all time since Rex's death and stealing all the attention from Bree]
Bree: For God's sake, Phyllis, don't you ever worry about dehydration?
Phyllis: Are you saying that I am too emotional?
Bree: I'm saying that even Italians take a break now and again.

Tom: I love you because you did the right thing, and I admire your bravery.
Lynette: And I love you because you find ways to compliment me when you could just say, "I told you so."
[They kiss, then Tom says something in sign language]
Lynette: You just signed "I told you so", didn't you?
Tom: You'll never prove it.

Gabrielle: [Gabrielle and Carlos are in bed; Gabrielle rubs lotion on her hands while Carlos reads a book] I'm so lucky to have you.
Carlos: Huh. Okay, I'll bite.
[Puts book down on nightstand as Gabrielle moves closer]
Carlos: Why are you so lucky?
Gabrielle: Because... I don't want to have kids and you do.
Carlos: Oh, that.
Gabrielle: Most men would leave over something like that. And you're still here.
[Caresses his chest]
Gabrielle: I'm grateful. I know the sacrifice you're making.
Carlos: There's still a little part of me that's hoping you'll change your mind. Once you had a baby I think that you would love it so much that you...
Gabrielle: [Interrupts him] Honey, it's not going to happen.
Carlos: You never know.
Gabrielle: No, sometimes you do.
Carlos: Well, it is a sacrifice.
[Gently strokes her arm]
Carlos: But you're worth it.
[Gabrielle leans over and starts kissing him]
Mary: [Split-screen: Gabrielle and Carlos having sex and Carlos replacing Gabrielle's birth control pills with fakes]
[V.O]
Mary: Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt that she didn't want to be a mother. But what she couldn't know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father. Or that he'd been tampering with her birth control for months. Or that within one weeks time, she'd be pregnant.

Rex: So these "tennis lessons" we're taking. How are we doing?
Bree: My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve.
Rex: Of course.

Julie: [to Austin] So, why did they send you to juvie anyway?
Austin: "They" didn't. My mom did.
Julie: Why?
Austin: She had this boyfriend. No job, big drunk, real catch. One night, he pops her one, so I break a chair over his head, and... uh... and she calls the cops on me.
Julie: But you were protecting her.
Austin: Yeah, that's what I thought, but the guy said he'd leave if she didn't press charges, and well, my mom doesn't really like to be alone.

[first lines]
Mary: [voice over narration] After I died, I began to surrender the parts of myself that were no longer necessary. My desires, beliefs, ambitions, doubts. Every trace of my humanity was discarded. I discovered, when moving through eternity, it helps to travel lightly. In fact, I held onto only one thing. My memory. It's astonishing to look back on the world I left behind. I remember it all. Every single detail. Like my friend, Bree Van De Kamp. I remember the easy confidence of her smile, the gentle elegance of her hands, the refined warmth of her voice...
Bree: Bye.
Mary: [voice over narration] ...But what I remember most about Bree...,
Bree: Rex, wasn't that a lovely...?
Mary: [voice over narration] ...was the look of fear in her eyes. Bree had started to realize her world was unraveling. And for a woman who despised loose ends, that was unacceptable...

[after reading the blackmail note]
Susan: Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

Bree: Don't you dare throw your calligraphy skills in my face when you know I'm at a low point!

Mary: Sweety, we can't prevent what we can't predict.

Susan: Hey, Edie!
Edie: Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.

Bree: I cannot afford to break down right now.
Susan: Why not?
Bree: [Rex's mother pulls up] You'll see why in a moment.

Aunt: I know this is not going to be easy but we're family and this is what we do for each other.
[Carlos walks forward as Gabby pulls him back and mouths to him 'no' and he mouths back 'yes' he continues walking forward]
Gabrielle: [steps in front of Carlos] Well you know we're still gonna be family tomorrow, so I think we should think about it overnight and search out hearts and try to figure out which one of your homes is best for Ana.
Aunt: Gabrielle's right, and please know that I won't judge any of you harshly if you decide that you can not take care of my beautiful granddaughter
Gabrielle: We love you Aunt Connie yay!
[starts clapping as everyone else joins in clapping]

Julie: Mom, you're getting too dressed up.
Susan: I know, but I wanna look really sexy.
Julie: I told Mike I expect him to have you home by eleven.
Susan: Hmm. How about midnight?
Julie: All right, but no later. You know how I worry. So, you, uh, got protection?
Susan: Oh my god. We are so not having this conversation.
Julie: We are because I enjoy being an only child.
Susan: Are you finished?
Julie: Almost. You know, I always assumed I would have sex for the first time before you would have it again.
Susan: Okay, you can leave now.

Carlos: I was worried until they brought out the crayons and kids' menu.

Gabrielle: [to Claudia and Marisa when they stop by her house] Hi! Come in.
Claudia: We're not staying. Just came to say good-bye.
Marisa: And thank you.
Gabrielle: You sure you don't wanna stay? I have a guest room.
Claudia: No, we need to be getting back. This one's missed enough school already.
[to Marisa]
Claudia: Give me a second, mija.
[Marisa gives Gaby a hug; Marisa heads back to the car]
Claudia: [to Gaby] I still don't know how this could have happened under my nose. You must think I'm the worst mother in the world.
Gabrielle: No. At least you believe her. My mother never did.
Claudia: But I'm the one who brought that man into her life.
Gabrielle: You didn't know. Nobody ever knew what a monster he was.
Claudia: I know now, thanks to you.

Susan: [to Edie] Don't worry Edie, you're gonna be just fine.

Gabrielle: Are you saying Juanita is fat for her age?
Susan: Gaby, Juanita is fat for your age.

Karen: [Parker rings Mrs. McCluskey's doorbell] Waould ya stop ringing that damn... I'm sorry Parker, I thought you where one of those little pissheads that keeps ringing the doorbell and running away. What's on your mind?
Parker: I want you to come back and babysit us, the new sitter stinks!
Karen: Your folks hired a new sitter?
Parker: Yeah, and she thinks carrots are snacks!
Karen: Well that's rough. But life's like that sometimes.
Parker: It doesn't have to be. If you just told people what happened with your husband, everything could go back to the way it was.
Karen: Parker, see those women over there. Nothing I could say could stop those tongues from wagging. I'm sorry kid but I just have to wait this one out.

Susan: I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for lunch.
Gabrielle: It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.
Lynette: Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.

Edie: Hey, how was your big date?
Susan: Mike had to reschedule.
Edie: Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh, how devastating for you. FYI.

[Lynette greets her twin sons coming to visit, then notices they have luggage and figures out they want to move back in, so she barricades herself in the house]
Preston: Please let us in, we're children of divorce.
Lynette: Exactly. Go to your dad's.
Preston: But we like you so much more.
Lynette: Don't give me that!
Porter: No, seriously... Dad has that stupid girlfriend.
Preston: And he's been so unfair to you.
Lynette: [letting them in] You had me at 'stupid girlfriend'.

Gabrielle: The only person more self-centred than me is Carlos, he's so self-centred he doesn't even know how self-centred I am.

[Repeated line]
Donovan: I'm thirsty.

Gabrielle: Hey, sweetie!
Carlos: Hey, whore!

Dahlia: If you want your marriage to last, when your husband strays, you extract some suitable penance and get on with it. Punish the sin, but love the sinner.
Susan: Yeah, well, with Karl I was more, "Divorce the ass and seize the assets.

Julie: Mom, why would someone kill themselves?
Susan: Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems.
Julie: But Mrs. Young always seemed happy.
Susan: Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside.
Julie: Oh, you mean like how Dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch?
Susan: I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example.

Carlos: [to Gabrielle] You know what your problem is? You're very tense. You should go to a spa, or go shopping. Find a way to relax.

John: [John and Gabrielle are lying in her bed together after sex] You know what I don't get?
Gabrielle: What?
John: Why you married Mr. Solis.
Gabrielle: Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted.
John: Well, did he?
Gabrielle: Yes.
John: Then... why aren't you happy?
Gabrielle: Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.
John: So. Do you love him?
Gabrielle: [sighs] I do.
John: So, why are we here? Why are we doing this?
Gabrielle: [smoking a cigarette] Because I don't want to wake up one morning with the sudden urge to blow my brains out.
John: Hey, can I have a drag?
Gabrielle: Absolutely not. You are much too young to smoke.

Susan: I was married to Karl, and I used to try to surprise him, and he would always, always, always say 'No, Susan. Don't surprise me. I don't like it.
Edie: Whatever. I'm doing it, so keep your trap shut. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go and buy a wedding dress. Oh, and by the way, I'll be wearing white, so that'll be a surprise for everybody.

[first lines]
Mary: There is a look that parents of well-behaved children give to the parents of the not-so-well-behaved. It's a look that says, "You should learn to control your kids. After all, they're your responsibility."
[Susan gives Lynette that look]
Mary: Of course, it was easy for Susan to feel smug with a daughter like Julie. She always brought home straight A's. She was helpful around the house. She was bright, affectionate and considerate of others. To her mother's way of thinking, Julie was the perfect child. Unfortunately, Susan was about to discover that no such creature existed.
[Susan walks into Julie and Zach kissing, whereupon a mother-daughter argument ensues]
Mary: There's also a look that parents of the not-so-well-behaved children give to parents like Susan. It says, "Welcome to the club."

Bree: [to Rex, in the hospital, after a heart attack] I know you still love me. Maisy told me. As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to find the most vindictive lawyer I can find. And together, we will eviscerate you. I will take away your money, your family, and your dignity. And I am thrilled you still love me. Because I want what's going to happen to you to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm just so glad you didn't die before I told you that.

Gabrielle: [after getting breakfast] Breakfast is served. Get em' their hot!
Victor: Marry me?
Gabrielle: They're only toaster waffles.

Susan: It's Marisa, right? Uh, I'm Susan. I don't know if you remember me from the open house.
Marisa: My mom's inside. I'll go get her.
Susan: No, no, um, actually. I wanted to talk to you alone, if that's okay.
Marisa: Why?
Susan: I... uh... I wanna ask you about your dad.
Marisa: Stepdad.
Susan: Stepdad. Right. He wasn't a very good man, was he? When your mom mentioned him, I noticed the look on your face, and I had this feeling that maybe there was a problem between you two.
Marisa: I don't wanna talk about this.
Susan: It's okay. I know him a little bit, enough to know the kind of person he is. You can tell me. Did he ever hurt you?
Marisa: Why?
Susan: I know that you just met me, and this must seem very strange, but I came here because I know what he did and even though I can't take away the pain, I can promise you one thing: your stepfather will never hurt you again.
Marisa: How can you know that?
Susan: I just know. He is never coming back. I promise.

Rex: [having an allergic reaction] You put onions in my salad?
Bree: No, I didn't!
[looks back at table]
Bree: Oh, wait.

Ed: So, the pig actually eats the bacon?
Tom: Uh, huh, yeah.
Ed: I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme.
Lynette: Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night. You know the one where people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret.
Ed: What like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?
Tom: More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys.
Ed: You were Greek?
Tom: Alpha Tau Omega.
Ed: I was Phi Kap.
Tom: You?
Ed: And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge ATO.
Tom: Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied to a freeway sign.
Ed: Scavo, if you were my pledge, I would've made you my bitch.

Lynette: [to Kayla after going shopping] Well, you've done enough damage for one day. Let's go home.
Kayla: I want a corn dog first.
Lynette: Oh, honey, we're about to have dinner.
Kayla: But I'm hungry now. I want a corn dog.
Lynette: [to the cashier] All right. Thank you.
[to Kayla]
Lynette: If you're hungry, I'll get you something healthy to eat and you can have it in the car.
Kayla: Corn. Dog. Why can't I have one?
Lynette: Well, at this point, because of the way you're been acting. Please don't do this, Kayla. We've been having such a nice time.
Kayla: And we can keep having a nice time. Just give me what I want or you're not gonna like what happens.
Lynette: Are you threatening me?
Kayla: I'm just saying. I got that idiot Preston to jump off the roof. Wonder what I could get little Penny to do.
Lynette: [slaps Kayla in the face] I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, but that was... that was horrible what you just said. And... and you should never say that again.

Paul: [to Susan about Mary Alice] I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she was bored. It doesn't matter. She abandoned her husband and her son, and I'll never forgive her.

Bree: Look, this family's reputation is already hanging by a thread. I mean first people thought that your stepfather was a wife killer, then your sister takes off with her history teacher, and now we're supposed to parade the little bastard up and down the street. I mean we might as well sit on the porch and play banjos!

Mike: I know how this looks, but there is nothing between us. Kendra is just an old friend.
Susan: Old friend?
Mike: Yeah, you know...
Susan: Yeah. Yeah. No, actually no, I don't know. So, by old friend, do you mean college pal, bowling buddy, saved you from drowning?
Mike: It's hard to explain.
Susan: Could you give it a shot?

Edie: [to Carlos, undressing] Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact - let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer. Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance.

Mary: [voice-over] It goes by so quickly. In a flash, the life we knew is gone forever and we're left to ask ourselves: How could he have left me? When did my beauty start to fade? Why has my friend changed? Was I the best mother I could have been? Of course, there are some people who understand how quickly time passes. That's why they're so determined to get what they want... before it's too late.

[last lines]
Mary: There is a widely read book that tells us everyone is a sinner. Of course, not everyone feels guilt over the bad things they do. In contrast, there are those who assume more than their share of the blame. There are others who soothe their consciences with small acts of kindness... or by telling themselves their sins are justified. Finally, there are the ones who simply vow to do better next time, and pray for forgiveness. Sometimes, their prayers are answered.

Lynette: [to Parker] Not now, honey, Mommy's threatening Daddy.

[first lines]
Mary: [voice over narration] My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally there is never anything newsworthy about my life, but that all changed last Thursday. Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first. I made breakfast for my family, I performed my chores, I completed my projects, I ran my errands. In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life, until it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used. My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs. Martha Huber, who'd been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced. After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before.

Edie: [Last Lines] As I looked down on the world, I began to let go of it. I let go of white picket fences, and cars in driveways, coffee cups and vacuum cleaners. I let go of all those things that seemed so ordinary, but when you put them together they make up a life, a life that really was one-of-a-kind. I'll tell you something, it's not hard to die when you know you have lived. And I did. Oh, how I lived!

Bree: Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches.
Andrew: You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him.
Bree: Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet.

[Porter is listening to music on his headphones, when Lynette walks into his room, he removes them]
Lynette: Hey, got a sec?
Porter: Not really.
Lynette: So, I assume you know what happened to Jimmy Kimrado?
Porter: I guess.
Lynette: Your friend gets busted for dealing drugs at school and all you have to say is 'I guess'?
Porter: He's not my friend.
[implying that he doesn't associate with people who sell drugs]
Lynette: What are you talking about, you where on the same little league team?
Porter: Yeah, a million years ago, anything else?
Lynette: No, not really.

[last lines]
Susan: Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?

Tom: [Tom and Lynette are having dinner with Gabby and Carlos Tom has just found out Carlos saw Lynette naked after she tripped and fell in the shower] What's going on here?
Gabrielle: Lynette was taking a shower and Carlos came by to drive her to work she tripped and fell and he helped her.
Lynette: You told her? I asked you no to.
Carlos: She's my wife I tell her everything.
Tom: Well you hear that Lynette? They tell each other everything, that way they know that they're not hiding anything.
Lynette: I was just afraid you'd overreact! Like you're doing right now.
Tom: Full disclosure Lynette! That's what a marriage is about!
Gabrielle: So I guess you disclosed your little "friendship" with Patty Rizzo?
Lynette: What little friendship?
Tom: You know what I think this is gorgenzola.
Lynette: Tom?
Tom: Patty gave me a ride home and for some reason Gabby's making a big deal about it.
Lynette: Because it's Patty Rizzo, she's a total slut. You should be on antibiotics just for sitting in her car!
Gabrielle: Exactly!
Carlos: Stay out of this Gabby you've done enough damage!
Gabrielle: Hey don't snap at me! Lynette's my friend and I was just watching her back!
Tom: While your husband was watching her back!
Lynette: Drop it Tom! We'll continue this at home!
Gabrielle: If you have a shower at the office, how come you come home smelling so bad?
Carlos: I don't know... Why does lamb tat like sawdust?

Susan: I need a man in my life!
Bob: Why? We're so useless.

Mary: This is what rainy days are good for. They make everything clean again. Especially on a street like Wisteria Lane, where everything can get so messy.

Tom: Wait you just took a shower, where?
Lynette: At work.
Tom: Didn't know you had a shower there.
Lynette: I don't, Carlos does.
Tom: So you went into Carlos' office stripped naked and took a shower?
Lynette: No I went into Carlos' "bathroom" closed the door then stripped naked and took a shower.
Tom: I'm not comfortable with this. What if he walked in?
Lynette: Then maybe I'd get that raise I've been asking for.
Tom: This isn't funny. You already spend 16 hours a day with the guy and now I find out that some of those hours you are naked and wet!
Lynette: Hours? It was two minutes. It's not like I'm lighting candles and playing Berry White.
Tom: I don't care I want it to stop.
Lynette: Fine... I should've just had sex I'd be asleep by now.

Edie: I don't trust friendly women.
Lynette: That's ok, they don't trust you either.

[first lines]
Mary: [Bree opens the Bible] There is a widely read book that tells us everyone is a sinner. Of course, not everyone who reads this book over the bad things they do, but Bree Van De Kamp did. In fact, Bree had spent most of her life feeling guilty.

Gabrielle: [to Susan] You attacked my child and then me. Why should I even listen to you?
Susan: I brought booze.
Gabrielle: Come on in.

Beefy: Listen, it seems to me that you have some anger management issues.
Lynette: I have four kids under the age of six. I absolutely have anger management issues.

Tom: Last night we were having sex, you fell asleep.
Lynette: After?
Tom: During.
Lynette: Oh... was it good?

Bree: [the doctor has just called to tell Bree that Rex is dead] No, no - of course. You did everything you could.
[Bree hangs up the phone, gracefully finishes cleaning her silverware... and then begins to cry uncontrollably]

Susan: Hey Paul
Paul: Hi Susan
Susan: I got to say, I was a little surprised to see Mary Alice's award for sale. She got it for doing charity work, from the Chamber of Commerce.
Paul: Zach and I are moving. We don't need to carry any more with us than is absolutely necessary.
Susan: That makes sense. Still, I just want to make sure you didnt want to keep it, for Zach, something to remember his mother by.
Paul: Zach doesn't need a piece of glass to remember his mother. I'm out of newspaper. Here, let's call it ten bucks for everything.
Susan: Great. Speaking of Zach, I haven't seen him around lately.
Paul: He's been a bit depressed. I thought he could use a change of scenery, so I sent him to stay with relatives.
Susan: Oh, which ones?
Paul: You don't know them.
Susan: So, how'd you get the fat lip?
Paul: The usual way. Asking too many questions.

Juanita: What were you two doing?
Carlos: Uh... we were, uh...

[Bree has brought down a box of Andrew's porn]
Bree: Oh, dad, I-I forgot to warn you. These are some of Andrew's adult videos. I don't approve, but boys will be boys.
[Henry files through the box of porn]
Eleanor: Oh, Henry, stop looking at that filth.
Henry: I don't get it. Where are the women?
Eleanor: What are you talking about?
Henry: This is all just a bunch of... naked men.
[Eleanor takes the magazine from Henry]
Eleanor: Sweet mother of God. What the hell are they doing?
Henry: I don't know, and I don't know what I'm even looking at.
Eleanor: Henry, this is pornography for ho-homosexuals.
[Bree enters]
Bree: Oh, shoot! I wish you hadn't gone through that. Now we have to have an unpleasant conversation, and we were having such a nice time.
Henry: Bree, is... is Andrew... gay?
Bree: Oh, dad, Andrew hates labels. I'm sure it's just a phase.
Eleanor: Excuse me, but he has a magazine titled "Leather Daddies in Love." That does not sound like a phase to me.

Karen: [to Dave] Stop screwing with me!

Felicia: Paul? I was making cookies and I heard the most sickening thud. Are you okay?
Paul: There's shortening on my doorstep.
Felicia: Shortening? That's the last thing you'd want on your front porch. It's meant for baking.

Lynette: Renee comes off a little stuck-up when you first meet her. Which is a real time-saver.

Carlos: At the Donahue party everyone was talking mutual funds, and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfield.
Gabrielle: I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.

Bree: [Rex has just admitted that he is a masochist] What the hell did your mother do to you?

Mary: Yes, as much as death takes from us, it also gives. It teaches us what's truly important. Like giving back after a lifetime of taking... going after something we never should've let go of... or looking back on what made us who we are. But sometimes, the lessons learned after a person's death aren't the ones we expected.

Gabrielle: Please calm down!
John: This doesn't make any sense. Okay you love me. I know you love me.
Gabrielle: Love isn't enough. Where would we live? Here? With your roommates? The only decoration in the bathroom is a bong!
John: We could get our own place.
Gabrielle: How? You're barely making minimum wage!
John: Okay, sure. We'd be poor at first, but we'd be happy.
Gabrielle: I've tried poor, but happy. Guess what? Wasn't that happy!

Lynette: Hi. My baby-sitter cancelled.
Bree: I've got millions of errands to run so...
Lynette: Please hear me out, this is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours - there are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress, I have make-up on.
Bree: If it were any other day?
Lynette: Oh, for God's sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.

Xiao: You are meanest person I know!
Gabrielle: I am THE meanest person you know. You've been in this country a year, modify your nouns, dammit.

Photographer: No! For God sakes.
Bree: What's wrong now?
Photographer: Once again, The concept is, sweetie, you're taking the pie out of the oven, your face aglow with surprise.
Bree: Why am I surprised?
Photographer: Because it turned out so perfectly.
Bree: That's no surprise. My pies are always perfect.
Photographer: All right. It's your best pie ever. You've topped yourself.
Bree: And I know this before I've tasted it?
Photographer: Sweetie, just make whatever face you want. I just think you'll sell more cookbooks if you don't look like you just made love to an ice cube.

[a motorcycle cop pulls Lynette over]
Officer: License and registration, please.
[she hands them to him]
Officer: Ma'am, you know why I pulled you over?
[she looks at the kids in the back]
Lynette: I have a theory.
Officer: The kids were jumping up and down. They should be sitting, wearing their seatbelts.
Lynette: I yelled at them. They never listen to me. It's very frustrating.
Officer: Well, you have to find a way to control them. After all, that's your job.
[he hands her the ticket and walks off]
Mary: [narrating] Though he'd been a policeman for six years, Officer Hayes had never found himself in a truly dangerous situation. Then again, he had never before told a woman how to raise her children.
[Lynette furiously gets out of her car and slowly approaches Officer Hayes]
Lynette: Are you saying I'm a bad mother?
Officer: Ma'am, you need to get back in your car, please.
Lynette: I have no help. My husband's always away on business.
Officer: I'm gonna have to ask you to step back now.
Lynette: My babysitter joined the Witness Relocation Program! I haven't slept through the night...
[Officer Hayes slowly reaches for his gun]
Officer: Ma'am.
Lynette: ...in six years. And for you to stand there and judge me...
[she stands in front of Officer Hayes, who's terrified. He looks at the children, who are acting terrible]
Officer: Okay. I'm not gonna give you a ticket. I'm just gonna let you off with a warning.
Lynette: I accept your apology.
[she takes the warning, sighs, and gets back in the car]
Officer: Buckle up.

Lynette: [to Kayla] We're supposed to be spending time together, not going into debt.

Carlos: [to Gaby about Ellie] So we have two tramps living in our house.

[Tom gets into college]
Parker: I can help you study if you want.
Tom: I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be. I'm majoring in Chinese.
Preston: I know how to say "Take me to a strip bar" in Mandarin.
Lynette: I'm so proud. Porter aren't you gonna congratulate your father.
Porter: Congratulations on ruining my life. If you see me on campus you're not allowed to talk to me.

Mrs. Pate: Yesterday afternoon, Parker offered a cookie to Cindy Lou Peeples if she would show him her vagina.
Lynette: What kind of cookie?
Mrs. Pate: What does that matter?
Lynette: Oh, it doesn't. I'm just stalling because I am completely mortified.

Bree: Reverend, I don't mean to criticize, but it sounds like you're giving up.
Reverend: Well, we can't force him on the path of righteousness. He himself has got to want to make the journey.
Bree: Well, then, what do we do, just stand by while he starts dating boys?
[to Andrew]
Bree: And by the way, the correct word is not "gay." It's "sodomy."
Rex: We're in the middle of dinner.
Bree: So?
Rex: So, can you at least wait until desert before calling our son a sodomite?
Bree: How you can sit there and be so casual is beyond me.
Rex: For starters, I knew this dinner was a bad idea the moment you suggested it.
Bree: Well, at least I'm trying to be pro-active!
Reverend: Please, there's no need to get upset.
Bree: I am upset because there is a problem here and no-one seems to notice it but me.
Rex: As far as I'm concerned, if Andrew is happy with who he is, then it is our job to support him!
[brief silence]
Bree: [to Andrew] Your father is into S&M.
Rex: Bree!
Bree: He makes me beat him with a riding crop and I let him. It's no wonder you're perverted. Look who your parents are.
[Bree gets up and leaves]
Rex: Excuse me.
[Rex leaves too]
Andrew: [to Reverend Sikes] What a fun night. You know, we should really do this again sometime.

[Susan swipes Katherine's pearls to pay MJ's tuition, and Katherine chases her into the street wearing only a towel]
Katherine: Susan Mayer for God's sake, give me back my pearls.
Susan: [Susan grabs hold of the towel] Pearls or towel, you decide.
Katherine: You wouldn't dare!
Susan: I have been naked once on this street. It would be nice to take the heat off that story.
Katherine: Have you lost your mind?
Susan: Mike said he can't afford to pay for MJ's private school, now I know why! He wants to see his girlfriend wearing pearls when she flashes him!
Katherine: He wouldn't pay for MJ's school?
Susan: No. So, I was gonna take these and sell them to try to pay for it and now that I'm saying it out loud, I hear how stupid that sounds.
Katherine: I can't believe Mike would do that.
Susan: Well... he did.
[They hear someone fall]
Parker: [Smiling, waves to them] Hey Mrs. Mayfair, it's nice to see you.
[she adjusts her towel]

Susan: Oh don't cry, why you crying? Strippers are supposed to be tough.
Robin: Stop calling me that. Yes, I was a stripper. But you know what? You were the only person who never treated me like one, until now.
Susan: Oh.
Robin: And I'm really sorry if I crossed the line with Mike. You know I guess after working nine years in the club I just don't know where the line is anymore.

Edie: What the hell kind of street do we live on, anyway?

Susan: Oh my god...
Nurse: Are you in pain?
Susan: No but I will be.
[Susan's mom appears]

Lynette: [to Lucy as she's packing up her office] Don't forget your little animals!...

Carlos: I sure hope Libby likes this camera.
Gabrielle: Well, why wouldn't she? It's exactly what she asked for, the most expensive one in the store. You know, I'm telling you, Carlos. I'm getting really tired of kissing her ass.
Carlos: The woman is giving us her baby. We'll kiss whatever needs kissing.
Libby: What the hell are you guys doing here?
Carlos: Ah, we brought you this gift and you said that you didn't want us coming by your house...
Libby: Thanks, but I'm working, so you gotta go.
Gabrielle: Look, we spent a lot of money on that. The least you can do is open it so we can bask in your happy expression.

Lynette: Hey, Jordana!
Jordana: Hey Lynette, how are you? You look a little tired. Is everything okay?
Lynette: Actually, I'm getting ready for a dinner party tomorrow night. Six people.
Jordana: Sounds fun.
Lynette: Big fun. Say, you wouldn't have any of your kids ADD medication that you could spare just to get me over the hump?
Jordana: Tina! Don't push your sister. Gosh Lynette, I'm really running low. I need all my energy I can get. My sister, Elaine, and her kids are flying in town for a week.
Lynette: Yeah, that's exciting. I wish my sister would visit more often.
Jordana: Yeah, sisters are great.
Lynette: Yeah. Just three or four pills, I'm really hitting a wall here.
Jordana: Yeah, the come down can be a real bitch. I wish I could help.
Lynette: I'm not going to forget about this, Jordana.
Jordana: What's that supposed to mean?
Lynette: It means come Girl Scout Cookie time, don't bother bringing little Tina, because we won't be home!

Susan: Do you believe in evil, Edie?
Edie: Of course I believe in evil. I work in real estate.

[the lady at the health club is letting Lynette in because she thinks Parker has cancer because of his shaved head]
[Another women who survived cancer asks to hug Parker, and offers him reassurances]
Parker: [Scared] Mommy, am I dying?
Lynette: No! You're not dying! People just think that because I shaved your head.
Callie: You shaved his head?
Parker: Yeah, my brothers put bubble gum in my hair.

Dr. Albert Goldfine: [to Bree] I'm sure Freud would not approve of this.

Gabrielle: [When having dinner with Doris Hammond and Carlos, as Carlos is explaining his work] Okay, if we're going to talk about charity, I'll make coffee - we're going to need it.

Parker: [Parker sees kids painting 'witch' on Mrs. McCluskey's door] What's gonig on?
Parker: [sees it] Hey don't do that!
Freddy: Why not?
Parker: Because she's not a witch!
Freddy: How do you know?
Parker: Cause she isn't! Don't be a jerk!
[the kids start making fun of him]
Parker: Shut up!
[a kid pushes him down]
Karen: Hey you boys, knock it off!
Karen: [puts her arm on Parker's shoulder] Parker I'm sorry. Are you all right?
Parker: [He pulls his shoulder away] Ya know, everything would be okay if you told people what you told me. You can make them stop.
[he walks off]

Edie: And now, the media room.

Susan: I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't!
Julie: You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner.
[Susan gives her a look]
Julie: You're right. They're doing it.

[after killing Diedre, Mary Alice brings a toy chest from upstairs]
Paul: What are we going to do?
Mary: You said they were pouring the concrete for the pool to mould.
Paul: You cant be serious!
Mary: They'll never find her. We can put her in this.
[points to the toy chest]
Paul: She wont fit!
Mary: Then we'll have to make her fit!
[Mary Alice starts checking Diedre's arm]
Paul: What are you doing?
Mary: Checking for track marks.

Edie: [to Mrs. Huber] It's all gone. Everything my ex-husband worked for all those years, gone.

Danielle: [to Julie] Don't listen to him. You hold on to your virginity. If Austin won't wait, then he doesn't deserve you.
Julie: I just don't wanna lose him.
Danielle: It's better than losing your self-respect. Take it from a girl who's known at school as "Little Miss Van De Tramp".
Julie: I thought you made that up.
Danielle: Only 'cause it was nicer than the other names they were calling me.

Renee: Lynette, why so mean? I worked on these compliments all the way from the airport.
Lynette: Drive slower next time.

Edie: I have a husband now.
Susan: Really? Whose?

[last lines]
Mary: [narrating voice over] Yes, as I look back at the world I left behind, it's all so clear to me. The beauty that waits to be unveiled, the mysteries that long to be uncovered, but people so rarely stop to take a look, they just keep moving. It's a shame, really... There is so much... to see.
[the toy chest comes out of the lake]

Carlos: You wanna be a better mother? Do what my mama did, make sacrifices. My mama worked her fingers to the bone for me.
Gabrielle: That's what put her in an early grave. Well, that and the hit and run thing.

Susan: I need a man in my life!
Lee: Why? We're so useless.

Susan: [to Julie] I'm out of lipstick. Can I borrow yours?
Julie: Sure.
[hands Susan her lipstick]
Susan: Cherry Berry?
Julie: Austin likes the way it tastes.
Susan: Oh, I so did not need to know that.

Susan: [using speakerphone] "Release Julie and I will take her place. I repeat, release Julie. I will be a model hostage... "
Julie: [sighs]

Carlos: [Carlos has recently become blind] I'm going to read some porn.
[he sighs]
Carlos: In Braille.

Mike: [to Orson] Are you the guy that ran me over?

Tom: [to Kayla] I need to to talk to you about Lynette.
Kayla: I'm sorry I had to call Dr. Dolan, Daddy, but she scares me.
Tom: Yeah, you said that before, but here's the thing. They're gonna let Lynette go soon and when they do, you guys aren't going to be able to live in the same house anymore. You... you know that, right?
Kayla: So where is she gonna live? Like, in a hotel or something?
Tom: She lives here, Kayla. With me and the boys and Penny. This is her home.
Kayla: But...
Tom: But don't worry. We're gonna find a nice place to live.
Kayla: Daddy, I don't wanna go anywhere. I wanna stay here with you.
Tom: I don't have a choice, Kayla. I need to keep you safe.
Kayla: But I made it all up. I lied about everything. I burned myself.
Tom: And why would you do that, Kayla?
Kayla: I hate her, and it's so much better when it's just us.
Tom: I see. And you'll explain all this to the police and Dr. Dolan, and everybody, right?
Kayla: Yes, I promise. And then I can stay, right?
Tom: No, sweetie. No. What you did was horrible and I can't trust you anymore.
Kayla: Then I'm gonna keep lying to everybody. You don't want that, do you?
Tom: [picks up the phone from the nightstand] Did you get all that, Dr. Dolan?

Stella: [Lynette's mother shows up] Geez Lynette, I didn't know you opened a daycare center! Hey kids grandma's here.
Stella: [they all look at her strange] Okay, what'd you tell them about me?
Lynette: It's been five years mom, they don't remember you.
Stella: Well they'll remember me this time, I've brought presents. For you.
[hands Parker a book]
Stella: And for you and you.
[hands the twins books]
Parker: These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these.
Stella: Well I'm too old to remember what the hell six year olds like to play with.
Porter: We're eight.
Stella: What do I care?
Lynette: Just say thank you.
[kids say 'thank you']
Stella: [pointing to Kayla, talking to Parker] Who's the pretty thing? Your girlfriend?
Parker: [looks disgusted] No! She's my sister!
Stella: [to Lynette] Oh, is that Toms little B-a-s-t-a...
Tom: Ok kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs.

[Lynette decides to have a family breakfast]
Lynette: So, Parker how's that science project you've been working on?
[Cops ring the door bell and arrest Porter]
Parker: Guess we're done talking about my science project, huh?
Lynette: Yes, sweety we are.

Carlos: It's good for a dog to sleep with its master. It helps us bond.
Gabrielle: Well if you ever want to bond with my boobs again, you'll get her off.

Carlos: [to Gabrielle] You want blind sex? I can arrange that?

Rex: I want you to say you'll try it, just once.
Bree: Try what? Hurting you? You actually want me to hurt you?
Rex: So I can feel pleasure, yes!
Bree: Fine.
[slaps Rex across the face]
Bree: So, was it good for you too?

[last lines]
Mary: Trust is a fragile thing. Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom, but once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course, the truth is we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us... and total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people to decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned.

Eugene: Libby's a pole dancer in a strip club.
Gabrielle: Oh! Wow, that, that sounds like interesting work.
Libby: You'd think so, but it gets old quickly. My big dream is to become a choreographer.
Carlos: Really?
Libby: Yeah. I made up this one move. It's called the serpent's tongue, and all the girls at the club are doing it now. It's so cool. If I had a pole I could show you.
Carlos: Well, we'll have to go down to the club and check that out. We'll make a night of it.

Ed: At least you and Tom have a love life.
Lynette: Well, we do the best we can. Given the circumstances.
Ed: Better than Fran and I. We're dead in that apartment. Ah, I don't wanna bore you with the details.
Lynette: I appreciate that. You know, Ed. I don't want to pry into your personal business, but if you are having problems in that area, you don't have to be resigned to it.
Ed: What are you suggesting, hookers? No, Ed Ferrara doesn't pay for sex.

Parker: [Lynette is looking at herself in an outfit, when she notices Parker in the mirror playing with his foam football] What'cha doin'?
Lynette: Oh, deciding what to wear my first day back to work. Do I look fat in this?
Parker: I think you look good in everything!
Lynette: Wow, you father's taught you well.
Parker: What about the street fair? If you're going back to work, who's going to take me?
Lynette: Mrs. McClusky, won't that be fun?
Parker: No. Do you have to go back to work?
Lynette: Come on, you and your brothers will be thrilled. Me going back to work is not that big a deal, we're only loosing a little time together in the afternoon.
Parker: Every hour counts. I miss you all day long.
Lynette: [She hugs him, kisses and rubs him on the head] Aww, honey, geez. Do you really mean that, or are you manipulating mommy into feeling incredibly guilty?
Parker: A little of both.
Lynette: Yep, your father's taught you well.
[He smiles at her]

Bree: [after agreeing to marry George just to be polite] Obviously there is a downside to good manners.

[Gaby wonders how Ana got the house clean so fast and then the Scavo twins come down the stairs]
Porter: We finished upstairs Ana!
Preston: Anything else you need done?
Ana: They wanted to hang out but I had chores to do, so they insisted on helping me. Aren't they sweet!
Parker: [Comes in with a brush and cleaning gloves] Hey, um, I'm not bragging, and I don't recommend it, but you could so eat out of your downstairs toilet.
Gabrielle: Ok boys thanks for your hard work but maybe it's time to go home and take a shower. Preferably a cold one.
Ana: Bye Preston!
Porter: I'm Porter.
Preston: I'm Preston.
Parker: Oh, you can call me whatever you want!

Mary: [Narrating] We all take the gift of life for granted, if only we could slow things down because before you knew it, the gift is gone.