150 Best Captain Jim Brass Quotes

Gil: I can't tell whether he's brilliant or nuts.
Captain: Sound familiar?

Nick: [to phone] Did you get his autograph for me?
Captain: [to phone] You know, actually I did, and if you get me a match, you might be able to meet him at his trial.
Nick: Do you think that would make his autograph worth more? Or less?

Captain: So I hear you're moving on.
Gil: I am.
Captain: That's too bad.
Gil: We'll stay in touch.
Captain: Sure. Here at barbecue every day 4th of July, we'll go out on the boat.
Gil: You've got a boat?
Captain: No.

[last lines]
Captain: [to Grissom] Get your kit.

LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: Yeah, we got a confession. He didn't choose women's feet. Women's feet chose him.

Captain: You know I think you oughta drop the accent.
Josh: I can't. I'm English.
Captain: Oh.

The: If that's what you get for helping a friend you know... Look I feel awful about Charlotte I really do. But I'll tell you this, whatever happens I'm not foregoing this car.
Captain: Well I feel awful too but the car is coming with me.

Captain: What kind of training do you get to be an operator?
Rollercoaster: Training? I release the brake. I hit the button. It's green and marked "Start".

Captain: We are going back to Lady Heather's.
Gil: I can take care of this myself.
Captain: Gil, do me a favor. Get a sport car. It's a lot cheaper and easier to handle.

Jim: [When a woman is found dead in a church] Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get her up there.
Gil: Why? I wonder. Somebody had a grudge against the church or somebody in the church.
Jim: Or maybe they were just mad at God.

Captain: Thursday night is Noir Night.
[quips]
Captain: Poor sap was slumped over like a sack of potatoes, oozing blood like a broken bottle of ketchup.

Catherine: Karen did not want that for Jesse.
Jim: Well, it's still murder.

Captain: L.A. seems to agree with you.
Captain: Oh, yeah, well, I couldn't take another Jersey winter. Or another Jersey cop.
Captain: You stay in touch with the old crew?
Captain: You know, dirty cops don't like to hang with clean ones.
Captain: So that's why they called me squeaky?
Captain: I thought what you did took a lot of guts. Integrity is hard to come by in vice.
Captain: Yeah, it's the only detail where you're told to drink, gamble and pick up hookers, all the while carrying a gun.
Captain: Garden of Eden. Temptation kills you, or it compromises you.

Troy: If you're trying to stick me with some kind of child porno thing or something sick like that, I'm not your guy. I do mainly concerts and conventions and have for the past twenty years. I'm cheap, fast, and open 24/7.
Jim: Just like my ex-wife.

Captain: [to Sara] It's going to be tough to get a warrant.
Sara: I need Marlon West's DNA. If his semen is in Kira Dellinger, it puts him at the murder.
Captain: Look, they had a known sexual relationship, so there's no evidence of rape. And I don't know if you know this, but Marlon's mother and father were killed in a car accident last year. Judge Bowman is going to be very sensitive to that. It could look like harassment.
Sara: Jim, are you going to talk to the judge or not?
Captain: Wow, you really got it out for this kid. What's the deal here, Sara?
Sara: Marlon West has killed before.
Captain: Not according to a jury of his peers.
Sara: Did you have fun talking to Kira Dellinger's parents?
Captain: Excuse me?
Sara: Must've been a lot of screaming and crying and despair.
Captain: Yeah, there usually is. What's your point, Sara?
Sara: My point is, if we had done our job right the first time, Marlon West would be in jail, and Kira Dellinger would still be alive. Talk to the judge.

Nick: Looks like they starved her first.
Captain: Well Jesus fastened in the desert.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Yeah but he had a choice.

[Jim is talking to a suspect visibly half-asleep]
Captain: Lou Barnes, big money runner. Still living at your mom's house? Hey, buddy! Focus! You're alright?
Lou: [Faints and falls off the chair]
Captain: Guess not.

Captain: I still can't believe you messed up the crime scene.
Gil: Her body fell out when I opened the door. It happens. We move on.
Captain: Uh-huh. It's gonna bother you all day.

Captain: Tom's best friend, Ray, he's coming in tonight. Volunteering to give a blood sample.
Gil: He knows his blood's not on those sheets. They're trying to choke us with evidence.
Captain: He also lawyered up. Guess who's paying the legal bills?
Gil: The movie star.
Captain: Legalized hush money. Ought to be a law against it.

Captain: Happy holidays!
D.B. Russell: Not for Santa, I hear
Captain: There is gonna be a lot of disappointed kids this year

Preston: China was sucking the life out of me. She deserved none of what she wanted and all of what she got in the end. I'm glad it took a long time for her to die. I can only imagine the pain.
Captain: You know, everytime I think about leaving this job, a guy like you comes along and reminds me why I can't.

Captain: Looks like some blood around his lips. Maybe somebody punched him on his mouth, what do you think?
[Gil Grissom swabs the 'blood', watches it and smells it]
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Cranberry sauce
Captain: [laughs] I know. Happy Thanksgiving

Captain: [to Catherine, about Lady Heather] Like a bad penny, some people just keep showing up.

Jim: [to Perry Hanson] You want to tell me what Jason Crowley's baseball glove is doing in your car?
Perry: Lucas must've left it there. I don't know, man. Kids are always taking each other's crap.
Jim: Yeah, well, I'm not taking any more of yours. You're under arrest.

Captain: L.A. has over two hundred criminalists. You got to bring your own guy?
Captain: Well, Rick is like a vampire. He needs to be invited in.
Captain: If this goes to court, Warrick's going to have to come back and testify.
Warrick: Well, you got beaches, bikinis, free trip to L.A.? I'm down.

[Brass and Krammer enter Assistant City Attorney's house to search it]
Todd: Hey, I just had the floors polished. Will you at least take your shoes off, please?
Captain: I sleep in my shoes, Todd.

Nick: [In class, Grissom has learned through Langston where to find a DJK victim. Grissom is out with the CSI team in the area where they were told to look] There's ten stab wounds.
Captain: [to Grissom] Guess you won't be leaving just yet.

Captain: Lawyer by day, dominatrix by night. Similar skill sets.

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Hey Jim! We got a call, a possible 4-19? Is there a dead body or not?
Captain: That arm crash-landed on the windshield of a car. According to the driver, it showed up from under the bus. Generally speaking, when there's an arm, there's a body.

Silver: Namaste, I'm Silver
Jim: Police, I'm Brass

Sara: We have a problem. We have three hammers and four suspects.
Warrick: Well, the Gilbert brothers both seem ready to go down for it.
Jim: And Benny can't wait to go to jail.
Sara: If they were defending Ashley against an attacker, why not say so?
Gil: They weren't. The smashed watermelon suggests the whole thing was premeditated.
Sara: Making the motive robbery?
Warrick: Well, Benny, Aaron and Jared each had about $125 worth of cash and assorted prizes.
Gil: $375. Brian's parents said that he was being paid $500 every two weeks. Cash under the table.
Sara: It was payday, so who got the other $125?
Warrick: Well, Gregory Curtwell makes good money. $125 is a spit in the ocean for a construction worker. If he wasn't defending his sister, then he has no motive.
Jim: Well, if he didn't do it, how did his hammer end up with Brian's blood on it?
Sara: [looking at Ashley's receipts] Clothing: $85; earrings: $30; coffee; four dollars. Getting away with murder...
Gil: Priceless.

[Sofia thinks aloud]
Gil: She talks to herself.
Captain: It works for me.

Captain: He stopped talking to us after I told him we blew up his house.

Megan: [Outlining an improbable sequence of events] ... and he showed her how to do it in exchange for certain unsavoury favours.
Captain: Oh, wait, that sounds like a... What do you call it?
Gil: Writers' contrivance.
Megan: Yeah, yeah... It's a bit of a reach, but you get one per episode.

Store: [to Brass as he carries a box of drinks] Look, dude, I didn't see it.
[puts the box down on the side]
Store: Chica had a nice, round ass and that's what I was scoping.
Captain: What time was that?
Store: About three. She comes in, grabs some candy, looks outside, waves at somebody. The next thing I know, she flips her wig. She's screaming about her sister. I didn't see the girl or a car. Besides, there's a lot of traffic out there.
Captain: Was it busy?
Store: Kind of.
Captain: How many surveillance cameras do you have in here?
Store: Inside we got five. They're all state-of-the-art. Place gets hit a lot. Outside they're all dummies.
Captain: Well, I'm glad to see you're so concerned about your customers after they leave the store.

Captain: Why didn't you just tell the truth?
Steven: We wanted to protect Robbie. We didn't want him to grow up with the stigma of "the boy who killed his brother."
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: He's three. He's clinically unaware of his actions. No court would hold him accountable for that.
Steven: But everybody else would know. It would follow him the rest of his life and my wife would rather go to prison than to have anybody know what Robbie did.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Mr. Anderson, we won't let that happen.

Captain: [to Earl Simmonds] So what do you do at night?
Earl: Day, night. It don't make no difference. I think.
Captain: About what?
Earl: Bitches.

Captain: Nick, what was that shot?
Nick: Miss.

Captain: [on the appearance of a dead body in the desert] Emaciated, bald, and numbered. What does that remind you of?

Joe: What kind of trouble are they in?
Captain: The kind where you stop breathing.

Zack: [Shows Jim Brass a tape of the victim and him kissing vigorously] Does it look like a woman being taken against her will?
Captain: That still doesn't explain how your skin got under her fingernails.
Zack: Weatherly was - how I gotta put this delicately - she was an ass scratcher man, she liked to scratch my ass! She wasn't pushing me away man! Pulled me in!
[pulls his pants down and flashes his butt naked]
Zack: Brass. Look at my ass. Freaking claw marks!
Captain: Are you trying to make me throw up Mr Putrid?

Nick: Ma'am, I'm gonna need to get your prints, too.
Cody: I don't like where this is going.
Captain: It's going downtown.

Jim: How many floors we got?
Catherine: Well, no 13th. No 4 and no 14. Yeah, unlucky numbers. Different countries, different superstitions. That was something Sam taught me.

Captain: Guess who he called yesterday: Lady Heather.
Catherine: Might have threatened her.
Captain: And we both know how she likes to settle her own scores. I'm gonna get a warrant, but it may take me some time because I have to find a judge who isn't a client of hers.

Sara: [to Joanne McKay] You were lying about giving Robbie lipstick. You have seven out of 13 alleles in common with your patient, Adam Trent.
Captain: [holds up a bag of letters] Your "Dearest Angel."
[Joanne doesn't say anything]
Captain: Okay. Joanne McKay, registered nurse. Licensed by the Nevada board of Nursing 1978. Married Howard Trent 1980. The board requires you to get a new certificate when you get married. I guess you never complied.
Nurse: I've always gone by my maiden name.
Captain: I guess that makes it less embarrassing to check into the motel with your son.
[Joanne glares at him]
Captain: Oh, I'm sorry. You checked into a psycho ward instead.

Captain: Where's Karl?
Janice: Go to hell.

Captain: So, you planning a little late-night luau? Roast pig?
Gil: It's an experiment. Maybe Kaye was dead five days.
Captain: I thought your bugs never made mistakes.
Gil: They don't. People do. The victim was wrapped in a blanket. Normally a blanket or clothing doesn't impact insect maturation. The insects usually fight their way in anyway. But I examined the folds in Kaye's blanket. She was wrapped tight - -maybe tighter than I realized - -which would have decreased the corpse's exposure to insects.
Captain: So it took longer for the insects to get in there?
Gil: And deposit their eggs. Maybe two whole days. I've wrapped porky here pretty tight.
Captain: Well, let me ask you this. You killed a pig just for this?
Gil: This poor ham was already on its way to someone's Christmas dinner table.
Captain: Wouldn't a rabbit be easier?
Gil: Gotta be a pig. Interestingly, they're the most like humans.
Captain: Yeah, I've been saying that since I was a rookie.

Captain: [Indicating the doorman] Not the only dummy around here!

Gil: Look, I know it sounds nuts, but this is not the way a resurrection theologian would kill his pregnant mistress.
Jim: He confessed.
Gil: He's a Catholic. They're full of guilt.

Jim: So the guy in took an arrow through the throat and it prolonged his life?
Dr. Al Robbins: Apparently.
Catherine: And what are the odds of it not hitting any major artery?
Dr. Al Robbins: Whatever comes right before zero.

Jim: I'll tell you it's been a banner week for teens and police. Two kids disappear; one we can't find; one may not make it out of surgery and another one ends up dead in custody. I mean, I don't want to make this about me, but I need to know my office is not responsible.

Captain: How does somebody get into your club with a gun?
Manny: Don't ask me. Ask the metal detector, it's supposed to work.

Captain: He's looking into your whole team. And your ability to lead them.
Gil: Poor Conrad.
Captain: I hate to tell you, but when it comes to politics, he whips your ass. So watch your back, it's gonna get ugly.

Jim: [to Grissom] The guy's dead. It could have been suicide, accident, but you've always got to push it.
Gil: Just like any other case.
Jim: You know what I think? Adrenaline. You need the rush, but that's just me.
[leaves]

Captain: What's the matter Gil, lost your interest in dead bodies?

Captain: Welcome to the party.
Catherine: [to Grissom & Ecklie] What's going on? This is my scene.
Conrad: High profile case - woke up the supervisors. All hands on deck, Cath. Grissom's lead on this, he's the senior supervisor... I'm an administrator, I run interference for you guys. Starting with the press.
Gil: It's nothing personal, Catherine. Cases like these rain down hard, you need all the help you can get.
Catherine: I need help. Not supervision.

LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: Husband and wife, home alone, all that blood, shaky alibi. Plus, he says, "He just looks guilty."
Gil: How does one "look" guilty?

[a rat has just climbed out of a murder victim's mouth]
Captain: Whoa.
Gil: I think she just ratted herself out.
[later, before the victim's autopsy]
Dr. Al Robbins: Heard about the rat. Hope it didn't have any children.

Jim: Is it a bigger sin to lie if you're a priest?
Gil: I hope so.

Captain: [about Langston] He's a little cranky for an academic, isn't he?
Gil: Actually, he's an M.D from back east. A colleague at his hospital turned out to be an angel of death, killed 27 patients before he was caught. Langston was the staff's research pathologist, all the morbidity evidence came across his desk, but he was unable to connect the dots. He wrote a book about it.
Captain: Was it any good?
Gil: I liked it.

Captain: Hey, look what I found: a knife with blood on it.
Gil: Hey, look what I found: dead guy.

Jeremiah: Yo, man, my grandpa was a gangster back in the day. You'd be surprised.
Jim: Yeah, I'm really not surprised by much anymore.

Augie: I recorded their house for the virtual tour. That's what I do to sell houses.
Jim: Selling house as a front for porno a little blackmail on the side.
Augie: What are you talking about? I have done nothing wrong.
Catherine: Oh, you're innocent in all this?
Augie: I admit to having lust in my heart.
Jim: Lust doesn't live in your heart.

Captain: I also did a background search. Tyler has quite a temper on him, don't you, Ty?
Tyler: What?
Captain: You were expelled from school twice last year for physical altercation.
Steven: That was schoolyard stuff.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Beat up a 12-year-old in the school stairwell.
Tyler: He made fun of my mother. I wasn't going to let him get away with that.
Captain: Your brother Zack say something you didn't like you weren't going to let him get away with either?
Tyler: [stands up] Don't talk about my brother that way, you bastard!

Rev. Rhodes: My partner is the Lord.
Captain: Well I'm sure it's not His DNA on those sheets.

Jim: [while Grissom is examining the swimming pool] What is that, some kind of filter?
Gil: It's an anti-vortex filter.
Jim: Hey, I'm from Jersey. We swim at the shore.

Gil: A Harvard professor conducting an experiment asked a bunch of students to watch a basketball game and count the number of times the ball was passed.
Captain: Yeah, groundbreaking.
Gil: During the game a person dressed in a gorilla suit ran across the court. Afterwards the professor asked the students if they noticed the gorilla. Fifty percent responded, "What gorilla?"
Captain: That's wonderful, Gil. If I see a gorilla, I'll arrest it.

Captain: Let me get this straight, Larry. An old man refuses to let you steal his money, so you jack a Hummer and try to run over his taco stand?
Lawrence: Maybe.
Gil: I think this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Gil: Sister, how much do you weigh?
Sister: A hundred and twenty-three pounds.
Gil: It's a question of physics. Charlotte weighed 140 pounds, plus the weight of the cross. You don't weigh enough or have enough strength to have hoisted the body 17 feet into the air.
Sister: It was a miracle.
Jim: The only miracle is I'm not charging you with obstruction.

Captain: We also found your blood on her parka that she wore to the hospital two years ago.
Ken: I can explain that. That was from
[being interrupted]
Captain: So can we - you beat her, you killed her, you buried her.

Captain: So you like crucifixes but maybe you made an exception when you found out that Charlotte was pregnant.
Gil: Father, I want you to take a look at this
[gives him a picture of Charlotte crucified and hanging from the roof]
Gil: .
Father: I'm responsible for her murder. I could never do that.
Captain: In my world Father you're either guilty or innocent.
Father: Well in my world you can be both.

Catherine: Who found her?
Captain: Guy over there in the ten gallon, Vernon Porter. He's the night watchman. All the employees are required to wear that cowboy getup. That's the job cops get after they retire.
Catherine: You've got something to look forward to Jim.
Captain: Yes, Ma'am.

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Nice digs.
Captain: Yeah, guy got rich off some dot-com outfit. Moved here from Oregon two years ago.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Bet they wished they hadn't today.

Jamal: Finders keepers, baby. I gotta bag me some ho's.
Warrick: What drug is he on?
Captain: I don't know. Whatever it is, he either took too much or not enough.

Jim: [to Grissom] They're going to put Jaycobs in protective custody to avoid repercussions in the community. Where are we going to put Warrick?

Dr. Valerie Dino: I don't see what you hope to accomplish. These patients are criminals with severe mental disorders. They're not going to give you a straight answer.
Captain: No one ever does.

Sy: I hear they're using all the backhoes in hell to dig him a new pit.
Captain: We're, uh, focusing on his life here on earth.

Captain: [to Carlos Perez] Wasn't Alicia part of your family? You're her father, you dumb bastard! You're supposed to protect her. What kind of man are you?
Carlos: Guilty.

Captain: [to April Perez] I bought it the hell we all bought it. But your sister was already dead when you raised that alarm. Her body told us that. There was no sexual assault. The evidence told us that, too. So you didn't think this through, sweetheart. So what are we left with? A false police report and a murdered little girl. So it's one to four for the Amber Alert. And for your sister, life imprisonment if it's an accident, and the needle if it's not.
April: I didn't kill Alicia.
Captain: But you know, I get it. I get the picture. I mean, your brother's the center of attention. He's sick, he's dying. Your cells don't match. Your parents have Alicia. She's his savior. So, where do you fit in? What are you to this family?
April: I'm invisible.
Captain: But not anymore you're not. She's dead, and your brother's sick. When he goes...
April: That's crazy, okay. I told you, I didn't kill my sister.
Captain: I want to believe that. Come on. Help me to believe that. It just means you were in on it because you put on one hell of a show. You still using?
April: No.
Captain: Maybe we should run your blood just to be sure, huh?
April: I use now and then to take the edge off.
Captain: So how do you pay for this habit? Are you pimping your sister for drugs, April?
April: Why don't you make up your mind? No signs of rape. If I was selling my sister, there would be, wouldn't there?
Captain: Depends on who you sold it to. You're not gonna talk your way out of this one. You need to get clean.
April: What I need is a lawyer, which means this conversation is over.

Hank: We have no idea where she is.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Look, you're here, she's not and we know that you helped her flee the jurisdiction.
Mrs. Marlowe: What?
Captain: Twenty-two bus tickets bought with your credit card to 22 different states? You made sure that we couldn't track her. Now, that's aiding and abetting the flight of a suspected felon.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Wherever you think she is, wherever you're planning on meeting her, she's not there. She played you. Now, if you'll just tell us where she is, we won't file charges, right?
Captain: Well, if she's apprehended, yes. Otherwise it's a felony. You're going to jail.
Mrs. Marlowe: [stands up along with her husband] Arrest us.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Think about what you're doing.
Hank: We know exactly what we're doing.
Mrs. Marlowe: Melissa's free. That's all that matters.

Gil: A girl... in a culvert pipe... at a highway construction site... in the middle of an alfalfa field...
[turns to Brass]
Gil: You got anything to add?
Captain: Nothing as poetic.

Captain: We ID'd the body and located the husband...
Gil: Let me guess - downtown, Fremont district?
Captain: You know, I'm not even gonna ask.

Gil: Your guys didn't get any extended body photos?
Captain: Chest, hands, arms right there.
Gil: I need lower extremities for comparison.
Captain: Hey, Marjorie Westcott blew in here and shut us down. She said if we wanted full body shots we were going to have to get a court order. So the D.A.'S working on it.
Gil: When, between testimony?
Captain: No kidding. Meanwhile, we're presenting half a case to a judge.

Captain: So, according to this, you said that you struck the Steven with his staff. You smote him. That isn't true, is it?
George: Yea - no.
Captain: What did you hit him with? Oh, it says here a large rock.
George: Yes.
Captain: No, wait a minute, the branch of a tree.
George: Yes.
Captain: No, a hockey stick.
George: Yes.
Captain: You didn't really kill Steven, did you?
George: No.
Captain: So why'd you confess to murder?
George: Well, I try to live my life according to the 17th proclamation of the Steven, from his second sermon at the Starbucks.
Captain: Oh, I missed that one.
George: "It is better to be agreeable than to be right."
Captain: That's not religion, that's marriage.
George: [laughs] That's... very...
Captain: So you didn't kill Steven?
George: Yes. No.
Captain: You did?
George: Yes.
Captain: You killed him?
George: No.
Captain: Are you clinically insane or just incredibly annoying?
George: What would you prefer?

[first lines]
Officer: This is the best taco I ever had.
Gil: I'm happy for you both.
Captain: What, did you piss off Ecklie again? This is a hit and run. I was expecting Greg Sanders.
Gil: We're slammed. Everybody's on a case.

Captain: Were there any disturbances last night? Did you hear screams?
Lady: It's when I don't hear screams that I start to worry.

Scott: [after Sara discovers blood that has been wiped clean off the wall] I have no idea how it got there.
Sara: It "got there" when you shot your wife in the head before you wrapped her in a blanket and dumped her in the mountains.
[points her finger in his face]
Scott: Get your finger out of my face!
[they fight]
Sara: You touch me again, you draw back a stump.
[to Grissom]
Captain: Get her under control!
Gil: [shouts] Get him out of here, Jim!
Scott: Told you she was a handful.
Sara: You don't know a handful!
Gil: Hey, hey, what's the matter with you?
Sara: I am a woman, and I have a gun and look how he treated me! I can only imagine how he treated his wife!

Captain: [during the interrogation Lady Heather gets up and walks over to the mirror she knows Grissom is behind] Is it something I said?
Lady: [staring at Grissom directly through the mirror] I'm disappointed in you, but not surprised. You fear me because I've committed the one unforgivable act.
Captain: No, it's more like two acts... of murder.
Lady: [still staring at Grissom] I know you. And I know that in your heart you don't believe I did this.
Captain: Lady Heather this has nothing to do with the heart, it's all about the evidence.

Jim: [to the nanny about Tavian Tombs] A woman who knows her employer.
The: I should. He's my brother.

[Captain Brass is interrogating the husband of a murdered woman]
Captain: That's a pretty good theory. Wanna hear another one?
Willy: Sure.
Captain: Well let's start with your wife banging a lawn boy.
Willy: Timmy?
Captain: Timmy. Why, you didn't know?
Willy: [Crying] No!
Captain: Really? Well according to Timmy, you found him in your bedroom and dragged him off the closet.
Willy: He's lying! I wasn't home!
Captain: Oh yeah that's right. That's right. You were in a love boat with Sally the hooker.

Karen: I sense a disturbance in your chakras.
Captain: Yeah, I get that a lot.

Jessie: [When Nick and Brass find Dollar gagged and locked inside of a trunk in the back of his car] Where we at, man?
Jim: You're outside your hotel, sir.
Nick: Don't worry, we're gonna get you out of there and get you medical attention.
Jessie: Man, is you crazy? Look what I got on. I got all these people around here, the press. Man, let me know when we get to the hospital, man.
[grabs the trunk cover and closes it over himself]
Jim: [shrugs] He's got a point.

[Cath's ex cheated on her]
Catherine: I can tell you first hand, when you don't cheat, you don't suspect.
Captain: Oh, man, I wish I had been married to you.
Catherine: Not a chance.

Captain: [answers the phone] Brass.
Sheriff: Family business? That is a wedding or a funeral, or a bar mitzvah. That is not permission to become a vice cop in another jurisdiction! Get back here now.
Captain: Who you've been talking to?
Sheriff: Not that it matters. The police chief called me after Judge Peters called him. I hear they do a nice t-bone at Musso's.
Captain: Look, my kid's in trouble, Ben.
Sheriff: Well, if she's not dead, you get your ass back here.
Captain: Look, write me up for insubordination. I can't come back now.

Captain: Who's this guy knitting an imaginary sweater? How's he know when it's finished?
Gil: His brain tells him that what he's doing is real. He has no reason to doubt it.
Captain: Or any desire to.

Captain: Let me put it this way - I'd want them investigating my murder.

C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: A wife kills her baby to get back at her husband over his affair. Come on. Any woman would go after the husband, not the baby.
Dr. Philip Kane: True, but in some instances, women have been known to kill their children as a way to pay back a spouse particularly if it's over an affair and particularly if the child was a male child.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Well, I don't buy it. I just don't buy it, doctor. She really loved that baby.
Dr. Philip Kane: Well, Catherine, that's why she's in this much pain now.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: A guy cheats, but the wife commits murder. How come moms always end up the bad guy with you Freud types?
Captain: That's because this mother is the bad guy.

Captain: Well at least the driver was sober, I can't say the same about the boatload of high school kids he was driving around town. Listen to the wonderful statements I got, "We go 'errrr... ' Dude goes 'aah'. We go bam. Dude goes 'Waahh'!"

Captain: Did you hear anything unusual?
Michael,: [the waiter is blind] No. Everyone seemed to be having a good time until the woman in the fuzzy dress shrieked. I found Mr Huxley on the floor, checked for a pulse and he didn't have one so I turn on the emergency lights. Then she really screamed.
[smiles]
Michael,: Is she pretty? Is she... she has a pretty girl scream.
Captain: Oh yeah, she's Huxley's kitty. She's gorgeous.
[Smiles awkwardly]

Captain: [to witness] I'm gonna get right to it, because time is of the essence here. Where did you get that package, bud?
Delivery: [to Brass] I'd like to advise my client.
Delivery: [to witness] Careful how you answer that, son. This man here's slicker than a snake in the curly green grass.
Captain: [to witness] He's right. So you'd better be careful.

Heidi: I'm a professional gambler, probably the only one in Vegas to declare every dollar. You can check my tax returns.
Captain: We checked the hotel sheets.
Heidi: We had sex. Is that against the law? No.
Captain: No.
Heidi: We spent some money shooting pool. Is that against the law? No.
Captain: You gave him drugs. Is that against the law? Yeah.

Captain: Game's over. Bitches!

Nick: Who takes a tape recorder with them on vacation?
Captain: Well, I keep one by the bed, in case I dream something useful.
Nick: Hmmm?
[looks shocked]
Captain: What? I can't have deep thoughts?

Captain: Yeah, not today. But look at you. You've turned yourself into a disposable human being. Don't you get it? You're nothing but plumbing.
Ellie: What, you're going to send me to my room and ground me? Have a patrol car pick me up at prom? Or spank me?
Captain: Okay. You're right. You're right. I messed up. But I'm just trying to do the best that I can. I wish you could say the same thing.

Captain: News flash from the loony bin. Two reported deaths in the last three years from "complications due to restraint procedures."
Gil: And how many have gone unreported?
Captain: The hospital just got off probation. One more death by restraint brings the Feds in.
Gil: Good incentive to keep it quiet.
Captain: Or make it look like someone else did it.
Gil: Yeah. Somebody who's crazy.

Captain: He'll only talk to one person
Nick: Who?
David: Me? Last time I saw him, I scared him!
Morgan: He said he wanna to talk to, and I quote: 'The Funny Science Man'
David: A compliment, I suppose

Captain: [an accused perp bends over to be searched] You better save that position for later, you'll need it where you're going.

Captain: This is a no-smoking facility.
[a Magician makes the cigarette disappear]
Captain: When you find that, put it out.

Captain: I'm just a phone booth away from changing into my tights and saving the world.

Jim: We got a problem.
Night: What's the problem?
Jim: Your handwriting sucks.

Captain: [to the Winstons] Why didn't you tell us you had another child who also died?
Vickie: How dare you bring up Howard. I'm a mother in mourning. I've already buried one child. I have to bury another. One was in God's hands, the other in the incapable hands of my husband. Show some compassion. I'm not the guilty one here!
Paul: I'm guilty. I'm not a bad parent; I was negligent. I take full responsibility for what I did, but leave Howard out of it.
Captain: We found pesticides in Joshua's bloodstream. I'm going to have to get a court order and exhume the body of your first child.
Paul: Vicky and I went through hell watching Howard deteriorate. Can't you let my boy rest in peace?
Captain: I'm afraid not.

Stripper: [to Brass] See, I know the frickin' Constitution.
Jim: I bet you do. Somebody get Ben Franklin out of here.

Captain: I hate having lunch with you CSIs, you notice everything.

Jim: [to Sheriff Burdick] What can I do for you?
Sheriff: This is about what I can do for you.
Jim: Really?
Sheriff: I've asked the mayor to give you a commendation. Medal of Valor. Congratulations.
Jim: Well, that's... that's nice, uh, do I have to be there?
Sheriff: As a matter of protocol, I'd say you damn well better be, Captain.
Jim: Well, you know, Ben, if...
Sheriff: [interrupts him] Look, I'm going to say a few nice things, hand you a plaque, we'll shake hands. A whole lot of reporters will be there to take pictures of the big event. It'll be magic.
Jim: Yeah.
Sheriff: My office will call you to set it up.
[walks off]
Jim: I was going to vote for you anyway.

Captain: I don't want to waste time screwing around with this nut case. I'm going to get some bleach, and drip it on her until she gives up the location. I mean they can't accuse us of police brutality for that.

Captain: Well I check the front pocket, no ID.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Back pockets?
Captain: I was leaving that to you.

Gil: Somebody likes it cold.
Captain: Las Vegas in May plus global warming.

Jim: [to Benny] Your hammer had Brian's blood all over it. Understand something, Benny. I'm talking about months versus years of juvenile detention. It's your call.
Benny: They got cable? Food? My dad locked on the outside? Sounds good to me. Besides, I'm a minor. By the time I'm 21, it's like it never happened.

Captain: [about Melissa/Tammy] So we're looking at a split personality?
Dr. Philip Kane: Quite possible. Two personalities in one.
Captain: Is there any scientific evidence that supports this disorder?
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Brain scans have documented changes in the hippocampus of individuals shifting from one personality to another, but would these two personalities be aware of each other?
Dr. Philip Kane: Well, usually the dominant personality is aware of everything. The subjugated personality is only aware of itself.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Tammy's the dominant personality.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: But Melissa killed Joseph Felton, Tammy's father.
CSI Dr. Gil Grissom: Who was also Melissa's kidnapper.
Captain: Revenge for a kidnapping 21 years after the fact?
Dr. Philip Kane: Well, it is possible. It may have taken that long for the subjugated personality to break free.
Captain: Maybe, uh, Miss Mirror-has-two-faces is playing us for fools. We corner her with the evidence, she goes nuts, sets the groundwork for an insanity plea.

Warrick: It's a crowded restaurant. Somebody must have seen something.
Captain: Not exactly. Welcome to the latest fad, dining in the dark. Waiters are blind, no one sees anything. Piece of cake huh?
[Jim Brass presses a switch that turn off the light and lower the shutter ; when the room is in the dark, footsteps are heard]
Catherine: Did he just leave?
Warrick: I think so.
David: Guys? I have a dead body here!

Captain: [to a suspect] That stare doesn't work on me. Keep it though - they'll love it in prison.

[a suspect is at a convention for people who dress as animals]
Captain: What do we do... put out an A.P.B. on Tom and Jerry?

Captain: [when Tonya's body is found] Did, uh, Tom Haviland ever play a boxer? Girl's face looks like hamburger meat.
Gil: Looks like uncontrollable rage to me.
Nick: Grissom, you might want to come down here.
Gil: Just say it, Nick.
Nick: Beans and franks. Tonya's a man.
Gil: Looks like that old Hollywood saying: "Never get caught with a dead girl or a live boy." So, let's see Tom's in bed with what he thinks are two girls. He reaches down on one, becomes very confused. Most guys would have just cleared the room and gargled with whiskey. But Movie Boy, who brags about doing his own stunts, couldn't take the thought of having a man in his bed, so he freaked out.

C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: There's no other sign of disturbance in here. What about the rest of the house?
Captain: Nothing obvious.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: How many domestics have you seen when someone got shot in the face and nothing else was disturbed?
Warrick: What do you think?
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: That your married people take things too personally.

Captain: That was some bad seed in that petri dish.

[last lines]
Gil: Where would you go if you had the connections and the cash to go anywhere you wanted?
Captain: I hear Fiji's nice.
Gil: Eiger went further. He went all the way back to his childhood.
Captain: Yeah. I think I'd take Fiji.

Captain: Hey, Grissom you got something stuck on your shoe.
Gil: [looks]
Captain: Oh, no; it's just Sanders.

Captain: Well then, looks like we have a homicide related road-pizza.
Gil: Yeah... who ordered it?

Captain: So men shop for a wife. You screen the guys?
Chloe: You pick up a woman at a bar, does the bartender screen you? You take her home, take her to your bed. How well did you screen her?
Captain: You should be sainted.

Rev. Rhodes: Mr. Grissom, do you believe in a separate, living evil?
Gil: You're primitive man on the savannah. You see something move out of the corner of your eye. You assume it's a hyena. You run, you live. If you assume it's the wind and you're wrong, you die. We have the genes of the ones who ran. We're genetically hard-wired to believe living forces that we cannot see.
Rev. Rhodes: The Devil's sliest trick is making us believe he isn't real, but call his name loud and long enough,
[knocks on the table four times]
Rev. Rhodes: guess who comes knocking on your door?
Jim: Usually guys like you.

LVPD Capt. Jim Brass: Okay, the husband says he fell asleep, he woke up, his wife was dead.
Gil: He's a good sleeper.

Gil: Excuse me. Can you please turn down the house lights and turn on the stage lights?
[stage light comes onto Grissom]
Gil: I want to see what he saw right before he died.
Catherine: What do you see?
Gil: Nothing.
Catherine: What are you looking for?
[beat]
Gil: A punchline?
Captain: Ba-dum-bum.

[Grissom notices something in the desert and starts to walk away from a crime scene]
Captain: Where's he going?
Catherine: Let's just hope he stops.

Warrick: So this kid has two moms?
Jim: King Solomon threatened to cut the baby in half. What are you going to do?
Catherine: King Solomon didn't have a DNA lab.

Dr. Mona Lavelle: I attended Vern's surgery. He was... terrified. I tried to calm him.
Jim: Can't get any calmer than dead.

Gil: Guy was living the American dream, every kid wants to grow up to be a cowboy.
Captain: That's a dead cowboy.

Jim: [to Drops] You're the big cheese maker. What's your secret, anyway?
Drops: I promote events, parties. I help the club life pop.
Jim: Well, you must be throwing some pretty crappy parties for someone to want you and your buddy dead.

Tavian: I don't want to hear this.
Jim: Yeah, well... I've been on the job a long time, and I know what a tragedy like this can do to a family.
Tavian: I told you, I don't want to hear it.
Jim: What's going to happen is one day, Kenisha or Tramelle or one of your other kids is going to come to you and say, "What happened to Isaiah?" And they're going to want to know the truth.
Tavian: Nothing you say is going to change anything.

Captain: All right, let me get this straight: You heard a blast like that coming from your neighbor's and it took you 5 minutes to poke your head out and see what was going on?
Randy: I was watching TV!

Gil: [Grissom knocks on the door] Excuse me Jim, am I interrupting something
Captain: [signaling him to enter the room] Gil, please
Gil: Miss... I'm going need a sample of your DNA
Renée,: How do you want it?
Gil: I like your hair
Renée,: I like yours
Gil: Are you a natural blonde?
[both looks at Jim]
Renée,: [Grissom pulls a few strands of hair] Ow
Gil: Sorry... I need a follicular tag... Thank you
Renée,: Gil... any chance you found my thong... silver lamé probably twisted in knots
Gil: Oh yeah we did... you'll need to fill out a form... the captain will help you surely
[Jim looks at Gil]

Captain: [checking the beaten Vic's driver's license] Tony Sciarra from Philadelphia.
Grissom: So much for brotherly love.

[At the crime scene, Gil Grissom is admiring and explaining the "meteor shower" to Jim Brass]
Captain: Is this part of the investigation?
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: No. But we're here, and it's beautiful.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Footprints. Going in both directions. They came, and they went.
Captain: So dump the body, raid to the refrigerator?
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: Maybe they had an appetite for murder.

Gil: How are you, Jim? How's your *old* job?
Captain: I can sling scum all day long. You?
Gil: I curse more.

[last lines]
Jim: Situation is Code Four: one in custody.

Jim: Lepidro. What kind of name is that?
Gil: It's from Lepidoptera, meaning "butterfly." Walter Clancy started out a gender-dysmorphic caterpillar and turned into a bloody butterfly.
Jim: Love hurts.

[last lines]
Raymond: Have your people treat him fairly, Captain. He doesn't have to be a lost cause.
Jim: Somehow, I knew you were going to say that.

Captain: So, two nights ago, he has a party. High-end guest list, very private. That was the last anyone saw of him. Housekeeper arrives 20 minutes ago. This is what she found.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: [seeing the victim hogtied like a dead pig with an apple in his mouth] Ex-Chief of Detectives. Left to make the big bucks. Consultant with security at every major casino in town, and couldn't even protect himself.
C.S.I. Night Shift Supervisor Dr. Gil Grissom: There's only one interpretation for this: "kill the pig."
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: And what about the rest of his family?
Captain: No sign of the wife.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: What about the daughter?
Captain: Well, the housekeeper assumed that she spent the weekend with the grandmother.
C.S.I. Night Shift Assistant Supervisor Catherine Willows: Assumed?

Marlon: [to Marlon] We're here to talk to you about Kira Dellinger.
Marlon: Kira committed suicide.
Sara: Actually, she was murdered.
Marlon: Somebody I know ends up dead and I'm automatically a suspect?
Captain: History has a way of repeating itself, Marlon.

Captain: Video 1-2-5.
Reverend's: I advise the reverend to document his rituals for situations just like this. He performed a religious service, with the full consent of the parents, then he left the motel room.
Captain: If you think we're gonna fall for that you have a lot more faith than I thought.

Captain: Oh. Hey, Sheriff. I'm glad I caught you. Um...
[pause]
Captain: I got to take some emergency leave. It's a... it's a family matter.
Sheriff: I didn't know you had a family.
Captain: Well, you're new, we haven't had a chance to talk. I briefed my lieutenant on my cases. He'll cover for me for a couple of days.
Sheriff: This is not a good time for family problems. All the narco guys are at a HIDTA conference. I got no backup. I'm still learning the ropes here.
Captain: Well, it's never a good time to have a family problem, Sheriff. Look, I don't ask for time off normally, I'd appreciate the courtesy.
Sheriff: Do I have a choice here, Jim? Get back here as soon as you can.