20 Best Brett Gelman Quotes

Murray: Joyce, there are certain things one can be late to in life. A dentist's appointment. A one-year-old's birthday party, because who cares? Little idiot's not gonna remember it. But for what is essentially a ransom exchange, for that, for that, I think you very much need to be on time! I'm sorry. I'm very tense.
Joyce: Clearly.

Murray: [translating in Russian] It's all the same. Sugar on ice. No difference.
Dr. Alexei: [in Russian] Tell that stupid man it is not the same in the slightest, and I would like the cherry I requested.

Murray: But he says that even thin Rambo couldn't get there.
- This key, it is in an underground fortress designed by the greatest Russian minds, guarded by their greatest warriors.
Murray: Breaking in is... impossible.

Murray: [translating for Alexei speaking to Hopper] He says he likes your courage you remind him of a fat Rambo.

- -[sighs]
- -[Demogorgon, Demodogs bellowing]
Murray: I think this answers your question, Jim.
- The shadow is in them.

Yuri: Did you know? Peanut butter is banned in motherland. I buy for dollar-thirty here, sell for $20 there.
Murray: Your mother must be very proud.
Yuri: My mother is dead. Dead... Tired of living like a bum! You see? Yuri has family too. And with money I earn from selling you, I will buy her a new house. I will buy my daughter a pony. Whatever they desire from now on, they will have. And, yes, for that, my mother will be very, very proud.

Hal: [chasing Gamble] You get back here and you make love to my wife!

Murray: My fingers are like arrows. My arms, like iron. My feet, like spears. Resist, and I will end you. But turn this plane around, and I will spare your life.

Murray: Look at the camera.
- The camera.
Jonathan: What camera?
Murray: Not the loudspeaker.
- Above you, to the right.
- Nancy Wheeler. Jonathan byers.
- You two are a long way from home.

Murray: So Jonathan, how was the pull-out?

Dr. Alexei: [in Russian] Get that out of my face, you bald American pig.
Murray: [in Russian] I may be bald, but you're the one in handcuffs, Soviet scum.

Murray: It requires much strength, power.
Murray: Those houses, like the one you found, they're located near, uh, transformers.
- They're stealing from your town's power grid.
- Why build this key here? Why are they not doing this in their own backyard?
- What are they trying to do, blow us to smithereens?

Murray: The straw represents the key, which emits a great energy.
- They're using this energy... to break through a barrier, to open... a doorway.
- A doorway between worlds.

Mr. Grumps: Keep your filthy hands off of my Loretta!

Mr. Grumps: [kissing Loretta numerous times while comforting her] No one's ever putting anything nasty in mummy's tummy.
[singsong]
Mr. Grumps: No, no. N-O. That's how we spell no, no, no.

- If things go sideways, I should mention
- I'm now a black belt in karate.
- Hello?
Joyce: Hello?
Murray: Hello?
- -Hello--
- -[welding sparks crackle]

Murray: We are truly in hell if hell froze over.

Murray: There is a fine line between courage and stupidity, and this falls very far on the side of stupid.

Murray: Wait, can you undress her?
Joyce: What?
Murray: The creepy doll. Can you remove her dress?
Joyce: I don't... Okay.
[undresses the doll]
Joyce: Jesus.
Murray: What?
Joyce: She has nipples.

- -You know it?
- -Not by heart. You?
- I'm not a nerd, nerd.
Murray: He told me it was
- Planck's constant, which I know.
- Why would I need him to give me a number
- I already know?
- What are you doing?
Jonathan: Go, go, go!