Top 1000 Quotes From The Office

Darryl: No, this isn't a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw V.

- Who did this to you?
- Where is he?
- What?
- No. It's not... it's nothing.

Michael: Okay. So this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings, using "I" emotion language, and no judging or "you" statements.
Angela: I got this poster for Christmas and I feel I want to see it every day. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.
Michael: Come on. Seriously, that?
Oscar: I don't like looking at it. It's creepy and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who forced the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art, it destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hard core porn.

Pam: Ever so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is, that it's up to me to revive him.

Andy: [Speaking to camera] I can't have this go badly. I'm a terrible salesman, and I haven't been making very many sales lately. Or ever. This is my only idea about how to turn things around. If it goes badly I might lose my job. Which would suck because this is the only job I've ever been good at.

- It's go time.
- Hey, Nellie.
- I made... I made you...
- I made you some soup.
- Well, I don't want any soup.
- But it's really good.
- Oh! Come on, Andy.

- Dwight from sales was one of the most honorable and efficient employees this company has ever had.
Dwight: One of my life goals was to die right here in my desk chair.
- And today, that dream was shattered.
- Hey, man.

- Step on it.
- Why doesn't Erin seem sad?
- Has she found someone new or something?
- And, if so, why hasn't she told me?
- Is she trying to spare my feelings?
- During breakups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places.

Jim: What?
Pam: Nothing.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: What?
Jim: I don't know. What?
[Pam falls out her chair]
Jim: Oh, my God! You are so drunk.

Meredith: I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.

Robert: Gabe, listen to me.
- Don't bother bill with this.
- He needs to go put out a fire on the home front.
- Just wait 20 minutes, and then I want you to listen to Dwight's pitch.
- Make him feel valued.
- Make him feel heard.
- Your wish is my command.
- It's a command.

Dwight: Total death belongs to Gettysburg, but when you're talking D.P.A., that's deaths per acre, nothing beats the Battle of Schrute Farms.

Pam: Who do you think will get the job?
Kevin: Karen, she looks corporate, those little pantsuits.
Phyllis: I think it's gonna be Michael.
Oscar: Do you really think he's qualified for that job?
Phyllis: No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now and he got that one.

Pam: [Looking at Erin's phone, who's playing Scrabble against Gabe] K-A. "Ka"? What does "Ka" mean?
Oscar: It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you.
[Looks at Erin's phone]
Oscar: Why did you play "moo"?
Erin: Because I'm playing to win. I'm playing "moo," I'm playing "milk." Whatever it takes.
Oscar: Okay, but look, you could have hit "mood." Would have played a... Triple word.
Erin: Uh! Like the cow mood yesterday. God.
Oscar: Or "moon"?
Erin: The cow jumped over the moon
Oscar: She's stuck on that one thing...
Pam: You know it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?

Andy: When I was in college, I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was "Puke." I would chug a fifth of So-Co, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-O shots, do some body shots off myself, pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more So-Co, head to class. Probably would have gotten expelled if I'd let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses. They called me "Ace." It was totally awesome. I got straight B's. They called me "Buzz."

Holly: Okay, look, let's just go somewhere high and see if we could spot him on the street below.
Dwight: That is the stupidest idea I've ever heard. No.

Robert: Yes!
- And there's my talking point.

Dwight: How could Robert transfer Nellie here after the Sabre store debacle? She stinks of failure. The fact that she could show her face around here is an embarrassment. I should know. I'm in an identical situation.

Dwight: Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like. Slow moving. Inattentive. Dull. Constantly snacking. Shows a lack of motivation.
Kevin: Hey.

[repeated line]
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

[giggles and slurps on drink]
Jim: I think those might be empty.
Pam: No, no, 'cause the ice melts, and then it's, like, second drink.

Dwight: [answering phone] Dunder Mifflin. Dwight Schrute. Please hold.
[he transfers the phone, and begins looking around in a file on his desk, then resumes his conversation]
Dwight: Schrute Farms, Guten Tag! How can I help you? Yes, we have availability on those nights. How many in your party? Oh, no. I'm sorry. No king beds. No queen either. Well, we make our own mattresses that don't conform to the traditional sizes.
[Jim, who has been staring confusedly at Dwight this whole time, hangs up his own phone]
Dwight: Closest would be twin. Thank you so much for calling. Call back again. Auf Wiedersehen.
[hangs up]
Jim: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight: None of your business, Jim.
Jim: You running a bed and breakfast?
Dwight: It is not a B&B.
Dwight: [later, to the camera] Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.
Jim: Does the Department of Health know about this?
Dwight: I am not telling you anything.
[to the camera]
Dwight: Permits are pending.
[his phone rings]
Dwight: Dwight Schrute, Dunder Mifflin.
Pam: Hello. I'm looking for a room.
Dwight: Okay. This is a misuse of company phones.
Pam: It says here you cater to the elderly.
Dwight: Where did you read that?
Pam: Trip Advisor.
Dwight: [to camera] Trip Advisor is the lifeblood of the agrotourism industry. A couple of bad reviews there, you may as well close up shop. That's what took down the Stalk Inn, one of the cutest little asparagus farms you'll ever see.

Erin: Andy, wait! Andy!
- Andy, wait! Andy, don't go!
- Andy, I love you! Stop!
- Oh. This is the wrong prius.
- I don't love you.
- I'm sorry. Erin!
- Andy.

Michael: When I was 16, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie, but there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with, so she went out with him on my birthday. And she got him a cake at the restaurant, and it wasn't even his birthday, but I heard about it the next day in school. So, that was the worst birthday I think I've ever had.

Darryl: I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was 3 years old. Not once have I used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason... me.

Creed: Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago.

Phyllis: Dwight had a big personality and I have a big personality. And a lot of times when two people like that get together, it can be explosive.

Kelly: I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I'm gonna wear my hottest tracksuit, get my hair done and then be like: hi Ryan. And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like: Daaaamn, Ryan you got a hot ex-girlfriend, ooh, I would've never treated her so bad when I was outside of prison.

Chris: [Michael is at his improv class. He recently had all his "guns" taken away by Chris] Freeze.
Michael: I'm in.
Chris: Do you want to go over the rules one more time?
Michael: No, no, no, no.
[He taps MaryBeth and kneels next to Bill]
Michael: I'm looking in my wallet for some money so you can tell me my fortune.
Bill: [Bill continues with Michael's set-up, miming a crystal ball] I promise it's worth it. Ooh, I can see you walking out of here and you're thrilled with your reading.
Michael: What are you-
[He pauses, and then whispers in Bill's ear. Bill raises his hands in the air]
Chris: Michael, what did you tell him?
Michael: Nothing.
Chris: Then why are his hands up? Bill?
Bill: He told me he couldn't show it to me, but he has a gun.

Michael: First up, the lost and found has gone missing. It itself is lost. So please try not to lose anything until we find it.

- What are they doing?
- Closing ceremonies.
- Nice touch.

Dwight: [Deleted scene; reading poem] Mother Earth by Dwight Kurt Schrute. The water runs, the Sun will glint, this is our environment. The Hay King steps upon the ground. He wields a giant man-sword 'round. He penetrates Mother Earth once, twice, again and again and again and again for all he's worth Pounding into her soft warm dirt. Her lips quivering, mounds shaking in ecstasy and sudden relief. Thank you.

Toby: Does anyone have a camera here?

Dwight: When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland.

Dwight: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma!" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutie the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.

[Andy and Jim are very drunk, and Karen is not. Jim is slumped over at his desk and Andy is lying on the floor. He starts singing "Closer to Fine" by the Indigo Girls]
Andy: I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children...
Karen: Andy, *no* a capella.
Andy: [pauses and then starts again] I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain...
[Jim joins in]
Jim: There's more than one answer to these questions / Pointing me in a crooked line
[Andy sits up and looks at Jim]
Jim: / Unless I seek my source / the closer I am to fine...
Karen: Oh, come on, guys, please...
Jim: [singing] The closer I am to fi-iiiine!
Andy: [yells, delighted] TUNA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- I'm really sorry.
- Pam must've put those out.
- All right, just out of curiosity, what were the claims for those beans?
- They're legumes, Dwight.
- And you're just going to make fun of me, so why would I...
- You know what? This ends now.

Oscar: It's just that I've sat next to Angela for a very long, very long time.
Andy: Righto.
Oscar: How can anyone stand that woman?

- No, no, I'll help you up.
- I'll help you up.
- Here we go. Here we go.
- Let me get you up.
- No, Michael.
- Would you step back?
- Please, please. Okay. All right.
- A little further.
Michael: Okay.
- That's better.

Michael: I know what I was thinking at the time, but right now, it just seems ridiculous.

Ben: You know I invented electricity.
Pam: I know.
Ben: Well, I'm sensing a little electricity right here.
Pam: Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?
Ben: Yes, but I don't. My name is Gordon.
Pam: Ohhh.

Michael: I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it.
Jim: Oh, you want me to be you?
Michael: Yes. I want you to be me, and I will be Creed.
Jim: Oh, are you firing Creed?
Michael: No, no. No, that's just first... thing. Can't... in head.
Jim: We should switch seats in order to...
Michael: Yes, that's a good idea.
Jim: Alright.
[Michael and Jim switch seats]
Jim: I'm really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it's purely budgetary. It's not personal...
Michael: Aaaaaaaaa I'm gonna kill myself!
Jim: Wow.
Michael: I'm going to kill myself! And it's your fault!
Jim: That's an overreaction.

- And it's something that each and every one of us have to think about.
- I'm in the brig. See?
- The boat's not as corporate-friendly as advertised.
- What is the deal with the guy jumping overboard? What was...
- If he had just waited and heard what I had to say, he would be motivated right now, and not all wet.

Andy: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
Michael: He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.
[starts drinking coffee]
Michael: Mmm! It's not cappuccino.
Oscar: He messed yours up, too.
Darryl: He's got to go, Mike.
Michael: It's just coffee, guys. But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

- which was just above our pre-year targets. Thanks very much.
- Thank you. Okay, Michael.
- What is a business?
- Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports?
- Sure. But, as you know,
- David, and jan, it is much more.

- Making sure that the warehouse logistics is a well-oiled, properly-stoked fire.
- Okay.
- Think you'll agree
- I explained that pretty well.
- Thanks, Andy. Thank you.
- All right. Everyone.

- Let's start again. Just be more scared of me, okay?
- Don't touch me this time.
- Excuse me, Mr. Wallace?
- Coming home from work.
- Pam, would you please sign my company directory.
- Are you serious?
- Sure.

- Brian, I'm so sorry.
- Look_.
- I don't... I don't want to put myselfwhere I don't belong.
- If you ever need me, you just call me and I'll be there for you.
- Thanks, bnan.
- See you.

Jim: They've been in there for 45 minutes.
Pam: I know. If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now.

- Michael, you have to get to that puck before halftime or the whole stadium will explode.
- I know. It's a good thing my trainer and mentor is here to cheer me on.
- Cherokee Jack?
- Michael, he died.
- This one's for you, cherokee Jack.

Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn't.
[smiles]

Jim: A toast. I'm gonna make it good. To avoiding a class-two felony charge.

- Six on seven.
- I know. I saw that.
- So then why didn't you do it?
- I'm saving that,
- 'cause I like itwhen the cards go...
- Who doesn't love that?

- Can you guys come with me for a minute?
- I know you saw me with the senator.
- I think I'm in love, possibly for the first time.
- So, yes, senator lipton and I are having an affair.
- I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity, and discretion.

- Why no kids?
- Yeah, where are your kids?
- Nope. Uh-uh. Not today.
Michael: It is
- St. Patrick's day, and here in Scranton, that is a huge deal.
- It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.

Man: [deleted scene] She's got it up now.
Sheriff: He'll be up. Okay, sure. I'll get someone down.
Dwight: Hey. Hey. Jerry.
Sheriff: Thanks.
Dwight: Sheriff Pierce? I'm turning in my badge.
Sheriff: Where did you get that?
Dwight: I got it here.
Sheriff: No. No, you didn't. We didn't give you this.
Dwight: No, I mean at the gift shop. Also, I can't wear this anymore.
Sheriff: You were never supposed to wear this in the first place, Dwight. Come on now, seriously, you got me concerned here a little bit.
Dwight: Oh, don't worry. I never abused my power. I only tried to help the Sheriff's Department in any way I could.
Sheriff: Right, well... Why don't you give me a couple examples of ways that you've helped us out?
Dwight: Oh, God, there are so many. Roadside assistance, breaking up unruly parties, surveillance...
Sheriff: Surveillance?
Dwight: Crowd control, directing traffic...
Sheriff: Mace! You... You've been carrying around weapons-grade Mace?
Dwight: I've only had to use it once.

Kelly: I don't talk trash; I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, "Your mama's so fat, she could eat the Internet." But smack talk is happening, like, right now. Like, "You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there."

- was based on a murdered TV star.
- The small scream. I don't care.
- Hey, guys, I just found another promo.
- It's in Danish. Woman: Danish?
- I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark.
- Oh, my god.

- I learned that she has read lonesome dove three times.
- Nice.
- And that her butt refuses to quit.
- Well, I tried.
- You have to... you have to agree with me. Thatsinsane.
- I'll just go later. Thatsinsane.
- I thought you had to pee.

- No, Jim. The butt, in his butt.
- Sorry, man,
- I can't focus on zingers.
- There's too many potential clients.
- You two better watch yourselves.
- Yeah, the Syracuse branch can't be happy you're taking New York clients.

Michael: You know what, Pam, would you please tell Darryl that this is not a woman's suit?
Pam: Oh, my God. That's a woman's suit.

- You guys got nothing in common.
- Maybe you're right. I should count myself lucky.
- Hey, what's up?
- There he is! Hey!
- Anyone up for some hoops?
- Yeah. Hoops!
- Let's do it.
Oscar: Hoop it. Yeah.

Dwight: When Han Solo returns to the Death Star in the Millennium Falcon, and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the Rebel cause, do you think he does so for a free beer?

- How's your nephew?
- Yeah. Isheingoodshape?
- How many miles did he do last year?
- Lastyean he walked 18 miles.
- Son of a bitch.
- That is impressive!
- Good for him.

- Okay, you could just show up late, though.
- How much is parking, like, 30 bucks?
- That's not what smokey would have wanted.
- Does want.
- Tears of a clown. Don't call me a clown, Pam.
- You're better than that.

Michael: Hey, congrats on the bonus.
Vikram: Thank you, Michael.
Michael: I'm gonna nab it one of these nights.
Vikram: Well, if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah.

- to anyone else ever again.
- Okay. Oh, god in a way, it's good that it happened to me because at least I can bear it.
- What kind of cake do you want, imbecile?
- Ice cream.
- Okay, point at the dunder Mifflin.

[telling the office how Michael gave her her birthday necklace]
Helene: He put it around my neck while I was still asleep this morning. Nice way to wake up.
Michael: Yeah. The rest of the story has been censored due to inappropriocity.
Kevin: Because of sex?
Pam: Kevin!
Michael: Hey, please, Kevin. You're fired.

Kevin: [Imitating Gabe] Uh, guys? Uh, I'm now going to apologize for the mess that we're in, uh, because corporate told me to. I just want you to know that I laugh like a crazy person.

Michael: [deleted scene] I think better to be a happy idiot than a, um... Than someone who knows the truth.

- It's like outer spac without the stars.
- It's so black. This is going to look so awesome.
- It's so intimidating.
- Anyone who come in here is going to have to take me seriously.
- Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
Andy: Totally!

Andy: If it wasn't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.

Michael: The world sends people your way. Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is, you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. Jim, that guy is an Ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my Old Maid. Oscar is my Queen. That's easy. Give me a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the Instruction Card you throw away, Pam is a solid 7, and you know, Ryan is probably like a 2. Sometimes 2s can be wild, so watch out. And I'm obviously the Joker. So...
[He hears noises from the phone and fax machine]
Michael: That's, uh...
FAX: Wuphf from Ryan Howard: Decided to sell company. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride.
Michael: Thank God.

[Gabe pulls Andy into the conference room with the blinds shut to confront him about Erin]
Gabe: Are you still in love with Erin?
Andy: What?
Gabe: Because I am. I need to get her back. I can't be alone anymore.
[Gabe starts sobbing]
Gabe: Andy, do you like being alone with me right now?
Andy: No, this is horrifying.

- It is a start-up, so these things go down all the time.
- If this company is going down,
- I want to go down on it.
- With it,
- I want to go down with it.
- Are you cool to just hang out?
- Sure. No problem.
Jim: Yeah?
- Youready? Letsdoit yeah.

- What kind of chicks are you gonna meet there?
- I don't know. Single moms at a skating party?
- Sweet 16, 10-year reunion parties.
- Chicks fall down, need help getting back up.
- Roller derby practice.
- We're going skating.

Michael: Hey you want some espresso?
Erin: Yeah.
Michael: You gotta keep yourself dehydrated.

Nellie: I have one simple philosophy in business: if the seat is open, the job is open. It's how I came to briefly race a formula one car. The three slowest laps ever recorded.

- Well, I'm not signing away my rights.
- I already signed it.
- I was just showing you.
- Okay, well, we'll see about that.
- Andy, that's not the original.
- And destroying it will not stop them from dating.
- Andy.

Kelly: If *I* had created a website with this many problems, I'd kill myself.
Ryan: Do you have a question, Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah. I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?
[Michael starts slow-clapping]

Jim: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?
Pam: Yeah. "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to back to this time before you met your desk-mate, Dwight."
Jim: And that's why I knew. You?
Pam: You came up to my desk, and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed-berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired."
Jim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me?
Pam: Yup.
Jim: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?
Pam: Nope.

- What's the haul?
- Thirty-two meatballs.
- Good day. [Chuckles]
- That idiot's been feeding us for a week.
- We'll never have to buy meatballs again.

- Yeah. Pretty stationery.
- Oh, thanks.
Angela: I didn't get mine yet.
- There are a few people
- I decided not to invite, and that might make things kind of awkward, but it's my wedding.
- And I don't want anyone there who has called me a hussy.

Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael: What?
Stanley: It's collard greens.
Michael: That doesn't really make any sense. 'Cause you don't call them collard people. That's offensive.

Phyllis: Yes. I put Michael in my wedding. It was the only way I could think of to get six weeks off for my honeymoon. No one else has ever gotten six weeks before.

Gabe: I need to talk to you!
Erin: You can't be in here! This is a lady's bathroom.
Gabe: Erin, I respect your privacy, but I will follow you in here every time you go if that's what it takes.
[Toilet flushes. Creed exits a woman's bathroom stall]
Erin: Hi, Creed.
Creed: Not cool, man.

Dwight: [thinking Oscar has once been a potential drug mule] Have you ever pooped a balloon?
Oscar: Okay, I'm done with this.
[Oscar exits]
Dwight: [to the camera] He sure left in a hurry.

Michael: Hug it out, bitch. That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out. And in doing so, they just let it go and walk away. Then they're done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I have found. Doesn't translate.

- Hey hey, man.
- Taking a load off, huh?
- No. Putting a load on, more like.
- Good luck with that.
- Last thing I need is luck.
- Thank you so much.

Kelly: Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. It just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.

Ryan: I got away with everything under the last boss and it wasn't good for me. So I want guidance. I want leadership. Lead me... when I'm in the mood to be led.

- Someone wanna sit in Kevin's lap?
- Angela? No.
- Oscar? No, thank you.
- Okay, Jimmy, this is for you, to show you that anything is possible.
- Fantastic. All right?
- Yup.
- This is also for the troops.

Michael: [deleted scene] Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon.
Oscar: How?
Michael: Exactly. I know. It's amazing.
Oscar: No, how could it reach the moon? Like, would you make it into a rope, or...
Creed: I have some hemp ropes at my house, they're really strong...
Michael: Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine.

Michael: [to the camera while he's making a film for his future son] And remember, no matter what, I will always love you.
Dwight: What if he's a murderer?
Michael: He's not going to be a murderer.
Dwight: Maybe that's how you die?

Erin: Andy?
[Andy starts boombox and begins singing 'The Ballad of Sweeney Todd']
Jim: Yes!
[as other costumed actors come in and join Andy in song]
Erin: Did you write this?
Andy: No.
Erin: Who did?
Andy: Steven Sondheim.
Erin: Who is he?
[rest of Sweeney Todd cast enters and continues singing]
Angela: What the hell is happening?

[Michael has made it to the front of the pretzel day line]
Michael: Hi, please tell me you have a sweet pretzel left.
Pretzel: We do.
Michael: Thank God.
Pretzel: And we have 18 different toppings. We have sweet glaze, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, white chocolate, fudge, M&Ms, caramel dip, mint chip, chocolate chip, marshmallows, nuts, toffee nuts, coconut, peanut butter drizzle, Oreo, sprinkles, cotton candy bits and powdered sugar.
Michael: Is there any way that you could do all of them?
Pretzel: The works. You got it.
Michael: All right! Thank you.
[smiles]

- Worried about art theft, I guess.
- A lot of art thieves in this neighborhood.
- This is the master bedroom, but
- I'm actually not allowed in here.
- So, I'm still in the process of converting the garage.
- It's got great light in here.
- And I was thinking it could be perfect for an art studio.

- And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman.
Phyllis: No, we're not. No.
Dwight: Yes, you are.
- And another thing, Helen mirren was born Helen mironoff.
- That's right, you're fake salivating over a Soviet-era Russian.

Kelly: If I have to vote for someone, I don't want it to be someone who can beat me.

[Michael is asking Dwight who should be fired on Halloween. Michael is wearing a papier-mâché replica of his head on his shoulder and Dwight is dressed as a Sith Lord]
Michael: [to his papier-mâché replica head] What? There was someone left off that list? Who?
Dwight: Who is he saying?
Michael: [gasp] You're right. I didn't even think of him.
Dwight: No, Michael.
Michael: Yeah, that's actually a really good idea.
Dwight: No. No. Not me.
Michael: Yeah, I could.
Dwight: Not Dwight.
Michael: I'm not saying that's what he said.
Dwight: I know that's what he said.
Michael: [to his papier-mâché replica head] What?
Dwight: Tell him not Dwight.
Michael: [to his papier-mâché replica head] That is not a very nice thing to say about him.
Dwight: Tell him to stop.
Michael: [to his papier-mâché replica head] Are you kidding?
Dwight: [to Michael's papier-mâché replica head] Quiet, you!
Michael: [to his papier-mâché replica head] I agree. He'd land on his feet.
Dwight: Make him be quiet.

Kevin: I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously, feel how sweaty my hand is.

Jim: Very nicely done. Okay, so I think that's H.O.R. for Stanley and H.O. for Phyllis.
Phyllis: Are you calling me a ho?
Jim: Oh my God. Phyllis coming alive, I like it.

Michael: I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.

- Not enough for me?
- You are everything.
[Whispers] Thank you.
- Okay, ready, everybody?
- Hit it, red!

- if not more so.
Ryan: I figured I could throw it away now or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away.
- I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paperclips and an old yogurt lid?

Andy: Let's get high on our own supply!

- Michael! Michael!
- Let go. Let go of me.
- Michael.
Dwight: I got you! I got you!
- Come on. Come on. Come on.
- Come on.

- And where did you go?
- Strip club.
- I was looking at the strippers at the strip club.
- Right. So that's it, guys?
- If you want I can put on the strobe.
- All: Yeah!

Admitting: [Michael drags Meredith into the rehab center] Can I help you?
Michael: I have a deposit. Alcoholic.

- Yes, sir. Remember that.
- I'll be right outside if you need me.
- All right.
Darryl: Yeah. Itaught
- Mike some new phrases.
- I want him to get the raise.
- I just can't help myself.

Michael: I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.

Michael: I love inside jokes. I'd love to be a part of one someday.

Stanley: [sees a female co-worker in Jim's hotel room] Careful, Jim. It gets easier and easier.

- Republicans don't. Right.
- I'm thinking, how crazy is it that we got a car debate going on in a city known for gridlock.
- Um... let's not talk politics in the office, okay?
- I like you better as the funny guy.
- I wasn't taking a position. It was just sort of one of those things.

Michael: Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

- You've been in the
- Scranton branch a long time.
- What have you liked most about that place?
- Okay. The friendships.
- Well, we want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul.
- So, long haul, where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Kevin: You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes, and everything changes.

Michael: Well, if you guys insist on having your own private little love fest...
Jim: We do.
Michael: ...that none of us can be a part of...
Pam: You can't be a part of our relationship, Michael.
Michael: Then we are going to have our own private Valentine's Day party.
Jim: That sounds fun.
Michael: So suck it.
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Hey, everybody, I just invited Jim to suck it, and I am cordially inviting all of you to a special convention, a lonely hearts convention this afternoon.

Michael: Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let me see. I made Pam laugh so hard that she fell out of her chair and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost.

- Is he going to offer you the manager's job?
- He was maybe thinking of you for it.
- Yeah, right.
- I'm afraid that ship has sailed.
- I wouldn't be too sure about that.
- Just saying.

Stanley: Cynthia has been keeping me company. She was my nurse, when I was in rehabilitation. We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill.

Ryan: [in regards to Michael giving him the "Hottest in the Office"] What am I gonna do with the award? Nothing. I don't know what I'm gonna do. That's the least of my concerns right now.

Dwight: Don't worry, Michael. I'm taking us to shore.
Michael: It's a fake wheel, dummy.

Angela: Are you getting sick?
Kelly: No. It's just indigestion.
Angela: In your nose?

- 360 spin onto the palettes, back flip, gainer into the trashcan.
- Yeah, gameh yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Parkour, parkour!
- Parkour, parkour!
- I'm right behind you,
- Andy. Come on!
- Let's do it! Yeah!
Andy: [Groans] Parkour.

- It's gonna be great.
- What's this? What is this?
- I don't know. It's on your desk.
- Yeah, but who put it here?
- And for what purpose?
- It was there when I sat down.
- "Happy Valentine's day."

- Stay alive, I'm getting help!
- Pull me up!
- You're too heavy.
- I only weigh 82 pounds.
- Save bandit!
- How about 911? Anyone? 911?

Stanley: You are a professional idiot.

Dwight: Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day's security codes. Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start.

- "Chapter four. One of the host's most important duties
- "is as dance master.
- "A proper courtly dance sets the tone for the entire afternoon."

Jim: Mmm, I'd say one in six.
Pam: What?
Jim: Oh, I thought you asked me what our chances were of being murdered during the night.

Dwight: Anderson's three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions?
Nellie: What are the three pillars of retail?
Erin: [whispers] Convenience.
Dwight: Ingredients.
Erin: Service.
Dwight: Burgers.
Erin: Building loyalty.
Dwight: Killing royalty. The truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia.

- What about that meeting later to discuss finances?
- Yes.
- But don't expect any cookie.
- Butwhat if I'm hungry?
- No cookie.

Deangelo: [shouting into microphone] I wanna th- I wanna- I feel truly blessed, uh, to be working with all of you. You know, before this all started, uhh funny story I was in the bathroom, vomiting and vomiting in that men's room.
Restaurant: Okay...
Deangelo: [shouting] That's why it's been shut down for most of the evening.
Restaurant: That's it!
Michael: This is important, he's expressing himself.
Deangelo: [shouting] Deangelo, hosts don't get Dundies.
Restaurant: No!
Deangelo: [shouting] This, this is truly special for me...
Michael: No, just let him...
[manager unplugs amp]
Deangelo: [still shouting] And, uhh, anyway. It's so much lighter...!
Michael: Okay, we're done. That's it.

Michael: Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for 12 years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin'.

Michael: One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody like Stanley or Oscar...
Stanley: Excuse me?
Michael: No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me.
Phyllis: It's not me, either.
Michael: No? Okay, fine.
Jan: [on the phone] Michael, I'm gonna get going. I really don't think I need to be in this meeting.
Michael: Okay, well, I really think that...
[dial tone beeping]
Pam: Has she been on the phone the whole time?
Michael: Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel.
Dwight: Make-up sex. Nice!
Kevin: Nice.
Michael: Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we?

Michael: Okay, I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet?

- Bye, Ryan.
- He seemed nice.
- Where are all the animals?
- Ryan, come on. I am sorry. I am sorry. Mose is sorry, too.
- Look, he sent over a basket with eggs and some fat-back bacon, and look, something he whittled.

- And then went away on a big, long boat ride.
- So here we are.
- Don't give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house.
- Fight the power.
- Meet me in the old place.
- Five minutes. I need you!

Dwight: Remember, you said that Robert was not fulfilling you. And then I said that I could fulfill you. And you said, "I'd like to see you try." And then I kissed you with the force of a thousand waterfalls.

- Thank you.
- I'm so glad you're with Jim.
- He was hung-up on Pam for such a long time.
- I didn't think he'd ever get over her.
- That's nice.
- You can pay me back later for the makeover.

Michael: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke.

Nellie: Get excited! The special projects fairy has arrived!
Creed: I know you don't really exist.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my goodness, look at this.
- Yeah.
- Look at me.
- Being you. I know! Look at you.
- It's funny, right?

Dwight: [reading from Struwwelpeter] "The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs." Are you listening Sasha? Right? "And ere they dream what he's about, he takes his great sharp scissors out and then cuts their thumbs clean off."

Jim: Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of The Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it.
[We see a clip of Jim talking to Pam after he had stayed quiet for her the entire day in a game of Jinx]
Jim: What is he getting out of that relationship?

- I'm gonna take you home, Michael. No.
- All right.
- Jan: Bye, babe!
- This is the best burger
- I've ever had, babe.
- Babe, I should have told you, but... I did something bad.
- I stole this. Foryou, babe.

Deangelo: No matter how many times I reach out to Dwight, he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. It reminds me of my relationship with my son. Except there, I'm the Dwight.

- I love you, Dwight.
- But you don't fit this job.
- Jo, please.
- No. No, child. I will...
- It's over.
- Now I've got to find a replacement for my replacement.

- All right.
- I have some news for ya.
- There is a big surprise.
- And...
- Here it is. Here we go. And...
- The big surprise is...
- Drum roll!

- Wow, that dude is good.
- What do you mean?
- You didn't feel like he was hiding something?
- I don't know.
- Like he was covering something up?
- Maybe.

- Are we in danger?
- There's no time to think about it, this is real.
- Just... everybody...
Kevin: Michael, should I call the...
- What?
- The it tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.

Pam: Lastly, we can't help but notice that he was by himself when he died. But, of course, we all know that doesn't mean that he was alone. Because I'm sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten.

- What was that?
- Did I just hear you laughing with glee?
- No. I was just clearing my throat.
- Good night. Good night.
- Night.
- Night, creed.

[about her volleyball skills]
Pam: Maybe I played a little in junior high and in high school. Maybe a little in college. And went to volleyball camp most summers!

Stanley: Yes, I have a dream, and it's not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.

Michael: I learned improv from the greats, like Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.

Pam: Hey, Michael.
Michael: Hey.
Pam: We were wondering if you'd like to have dinner with us tonight in our home and play with our baby.
Jim: We could order in from Hooters.

Andy: Meredith shut your drunk hole right now.

- Why are we turning in here?
- This is a beauty salon.
- Hey, do you mind if I take the lead on this one and then you can critique me after?
- You want the lead?
- Yeah, if you don't mind. Mind?
- Nothing would delight me more.

- Oh, come on.
- That sounds awesome.
- It was pretty cool. Was it?
- It was fun.
- It was... it was pretty awesome.
- Hey, yeah. No, I got it.
- Just leaving now.

Dwight: No, don't just let her eat the grass, she'll puke it right up. Okay, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too,

- We gotta do something.
- Look, I've got like 15 new clients that I've inherited from Dwight and each file is password protectedwith a different mythical creature, so...
- I'm sorry. I can't.
- Fine.
- Party pooper.

- It's by the ream?
- Yeah. Ream...
- It is now $9.78, so it's a discount of 7%.
- Okay, thank you.
- Got to get back to work.
- Wash your hands, Kevin.

[Phyllis, dressed as Santa Claus, is handing out the Secret Santa gifts while Michael, dressed as Jesus, sits sullenly in a chair heckling her with a karaoke machine]
Phyllis: [to Dwight] This just arrived from the Dunder Mifflin North Pole branch.
Dwight: We don't have a North Pole branch, idiot.
[he jumps up and snatches the parcel out of her hands]
Michael: [sarcastic and deadpan] Uh-oh, what's Dwight gonna get? What is it?
Dwight: [opens the parcel to reveal another assembly piece for his gift] YES!
Michael: Oh yes, it's space garbage. Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend.
[sing-song]
Michael: Deck the halls with crappy gifts...
Phyllis: [moves to Stanley] And Stanley, ho ho ho! You've been very good this year.
[she hands him a small box]
Stanley: I have.
[he takes the box and opens it]
Michael: Yeah, except for cheating on your wife. Adultery's a sin, look it up in the Bible, people. What'd he get?
Kevin: He got scented candles.
Michael: Oh, well that's appropriate. Lot of fire where you're going, better get used to it. You're going to H-E-L-L double hockeysticks. Going to hell, Stanley.
Angela: Amen!
Phyllis: [moves to Angela and hands her a wrapped parcel] And this brings us to you, little one.
Michael: I can't see from here, people. Somebody shout it out. Don't make me get up.
Angela: [opens the parcel] It's fabric. I really wanted this.
Michael: That's fantastic. You can make another dress that goes past your feet.
Angela: Andy, was this you?
Phyllis: It's a secret. It was a secret.
Michael: No, Andy had... Erin.
Andy: [uncomfortable] That...
Pam: Michael!
Phyllis: You...
[sighs exasperatedly]
Michael: [sarcastically] What, was I not supposed to say...
[Jim shuts off the karaoke machine, cutting Michael off]
Michael: Wha... Turn it back on.
Jim: No.
[Michael drops the microphone, gets out of his chair and petulantly stalks into his office, slamming the door behind him]

Michael: Andy, you go.
Andy: [in a British accent] William Dolittle at your service, a.k.a. Will Do.
Jim: Yeah, I'm definitely going to go alone.
Michael: No! No! I need two men on this! That's what she said. No time! But she did. No time!

Dwight: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Hey, Dwight.
Dwight: You said that we could come to you if we had any questions.
Toby: Sure.
Dwight: [pause] Where is the clitoris?
[Toby stares, shocked]
Dwight: On a website, it said, "At the crest of the labia." What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?
Toby: [talking to the camera] Technically, I am in Human Resources, and Dwight was asking about human anatomy. I'm just sad the public school system failed him so badly.

- Warmer.
- Warmer. Warmer. Warmer.
- Cold. Cold. Cold.
- Back up.
- Warmer. Hot. Red hot.
- Hot. Very hot.

Michael: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What's he wearing? Nothing special - baseball cap on backward, baggy pants. He says something ordinary like, "Yo, that's shizzle". Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who are you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.

Phyllis: Hey, Jim, remember flonkerton when you did Office Olympics? It was awesome.
Jim: Thanks Phyl.
Creed: I still have my medal from that.
Angela: Do you even have a mattress?
Creed: No, but I still have my medal from that.

- Please stop. Okay?
- Dwight, give me a key card to your room.
- Meet me in seven minutes for some one-on-one time.
- Wait, the numbers.
- There you go.
- I will see you in seven...
- Seven minutes.

- What are we talking here? Details.
- A delivery guy will deliver a box of pens, and you just make sure everything's in order.
- What? Everything? How do I make sure it's in order?
[Laughs nervously] I haven't been trained for this.
[Laughs] Okay, see you later.

- to help with his interracial conversations.
- You know, stuff like,
- "fleece it out."
- "Going mach five."
- "Dinkin flicka."
- You know, things us negroes say.
- Give me some.
- Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.

Pam: It's like squishing a spider under a book. It's gonna be really gross, but I have to see if it's *really* dead.

- Really?
- Tales of bravery.
- Good stuff?
- I was thinking tonight we could read it together.
- Thatsounds fun.

Darryl: You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for asian homosexuals?
Glenn: They did not.
Darryl: And you got half a million of these?
[holds up a can]
Darryl: Well, I gotta try it.
Glenn: I wouldn't.
Darryl: Oh come on, what's the harm?
[opens the can and takes a sip]
Darryl: What flavor is that?
Hidetoshi: Coconut Penis.
Darryl: The coconut is... Pretty subtle.

- Doctor: Not yet.
Jim: No, don't push. Pull! Pull!
- Josie: Why don't you get some more ice chips?
Pam: No, Jim, stay!
Jim: Okay.
- Really push this time, Pam.
Pam: Okay.

Jim: You are not going to believe this.
Dwight: What? I believe it.
Jim: Well, tensions were high in the kitchen.
Dwight: I could tell from the body language.
Jim: [in the kitchen] That looks good. What is it? Turkey?
Kevin: Italian.
Jim: Oh, Italian. Nice. Wow! You got the works there. Red onion. Provolone...
Kevin: Yeah.
[back outside]
Jim: Toby and Kevin, they're trying to get Angela kicked off.
Dwight: Good. Let 'em. That's fine. It helps our cause.
Jim: Well, I don't know, because if Kevin's in Accounting and Toby's in Human Resources and they're talking...
Dwight: They're forming an alliance.
Toby: [back in kitchen] I love their sandwiches.
Jim: I love their sandwiches too.
Kevin: Their bread's really good.
Jim: Their bread is very good.
Dwight: [back outside] Damn it. God. Gah!
[kicks car and car alarm sounds]
Jim: Okay, listen. We need to assume that everyone in the office is forming an alliance and is therefore trying to get us kicked off.
Dwight: God damn it! Why us?
Jim: Because we're strong, Dwight. Because we're strong!

Oscar: Angela's divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that now it's Angela who's living in the closet.

- Oh, I don't know.
- I might turn in early.
- It's only 6:00.
- Come on, everybody's going.
- You have to go, Toby!
- Yeah, come on, tobes!
- Come on, Toby.
- Yeah, I'll stop by.
Pete: There he is.

Dwight: Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also weak arms.

- Let's go.
- What? Let's go.
- Going... okay. Where're we going? Doesn't matter.
- Going to the go-go.
- Okay.

Michael: Guess what? I have flaws, what are they? Oh I don't know, I sing in the shower, sometimes I spend too much time volunteering, ocasionally I'll hit somebody with my car, so sue me. No, don't... sue me, that's the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Jim: [referring to the DVD screensaver in the conference room] There's this cube on the screen. It bounces around all day, and sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen, and at the last minute it hits a wall and bounces away... and we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room... okay. I believe she *thinks* she saw it.
Pam: I saw it! I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that I didn't see it? I SAW IT!

Michael: I am Pam.

- Cookies. Cookie placement.
- Yeah. But not just the cookies, though.
- That was just a for instance.
- Who else agrees with Kevin that we're wasting facilities, manpower on our underselling products, when we should be pushing our top performers?

Michael: Well, I enjoyed this conversation. It was very nice. It was like talking to the sweet, old lady on the bus.
Margaret: [long silence] That's incredibly rude.
Michael: Now you ruined it.

Michael: I want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it, then it'll suck.

Michael: Why does society force us to use urinals, when sitting down is far more comfortable?

Jim: [Jim enters the conference room and watches Dwight arranging Kelly's birthday party] Are you kidding?
Dwight: Well, I'm not done yet.
Jim: [Taking a half-blown up balloon] Dwight, this? Fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown them up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight: They match the carpet!
Jim: [Reading the birthday banner] What is that? "It is your birthday, period".
Dwight: It's stating a fact.
Jim: Not even an exclammation point?
Dwight: This is more professional! It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
Jim: I can't believe how bad this looks.
Dwight: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
Jim: Ok, good then.
Dwight: Have you collected the money from everyone?
Jim: I am working on it.
Dwight: How much do you have?
Jim: Six dollars.
Dwight: That's how much you and I contributed! Damn it, Jim.
Jim: [Mumbling] I said I was working on it.

Dwight: I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.

Dwight: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most.

Oscar: [about Michael] And just like that, as mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone.

- You know what? You just... you'll be fine.
- Maybe, maybe not. 50-50.
- You know, it is too bad for this place that you're leaving.
- Bring it in. Come on.
- Bring it.
- Okay. Okay.

Michael: [reading the customer survey] "Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant."
Jim: I think he means smug.
Michael: Arrogance.
Jim: Michael, I'm just trying to...
Michael: [interrupting] And there's our smudgeness.

- That sounds fun, mucking around in the dump.
- I wish I could go. You can.
- I can't. You know that.
- Okay, fine, I get it.
- I'll just go by myself.
- I'll go, Michael.
- 'Cause you'll just screw it up.

- I had a little better reason to believe that...
- You're right. You're right.
- Well, you're not right, because Johnny Depp...
- I know. I know!
- In your condo complex?
- It also explains why the name on his mailbox was m. Schulman.
- M. Night schulman?

Jim: Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know I always tell my three-year old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen...
[Jim bites his lip again]
Jim: You gotta be kidding me! Okay! Pam! That's it, I'm going home!

- Dwight, just... no. It's
- Bob and Phyllis's orders.
- Look, I just wanted to go in and quietly sit, and have a piece of cake.
- I'm not even gonna dance, one song, maybe...
- You are a real life wedding crasher and I must bounce you.
- I'm sorry, it gives me no pleasure.
- Okay.

Michael: Meredith was hit by a car. It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could...
[ominous pause]
Michael: And she is going to be okay.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?

- I can't just go giving away hot dogs. All right.
- What do you do with the hot dogs that you don't sell?
- Throw 'em away. Well, okay, instead of throwing them all away later, why don't you just throw one away now into my mouth?
- Okay. You've just lost my business.

Jim: [deleted scene] All right, guys. You know how we all like the red licorice but it's always buried behind, like, a ton of black licorice? Bought it all. Now it's like red city in there, so enjoy it.
Phyllis: Money bags. Must be nice.
Andy: So you effectively spent, what, four dollars on the entire office?
Jim: I can't get a handle on it. Am I cheap or rich? I can't...
Andy: You're nothing. When I think about all the gas money I spent on you. Washing my car to make sure you looked good.
Jim: Well, enjoy the red licorice. And good riddance, right?
Darryl: Whoa, whoa, whoa. So you just gonna throw away perfectly good food?
Jim: It's not really food, right?
Creed: I'm really hating this Jim guy!
Jim: Okay, okay, okay.
Stanley: I know what you can do, Jim. Take those black licorice, then go get some of those red licorice. Take them in your hand, roll 'em up real tight...
Jim: And shove it up my butt!
Stanley: Damn it, Jim! You stole my afternoons, now you stole my line! It's not shove it up your butt, it's I'll kill you! I'll kill you dead!
Darryl: Eat it.
Jim: I'm not gonna eat it.
Darryl: Eat... it.
Jim: I'm not going to...
Stanley: EAT IT!

Jim: Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
Dwight: They match the carpet.
Jim: What is that?
[reading a banner]
Jim: "It is your birthday," period.
Dwight: It is a statement of fact
Jim: Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight: This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.

- Thanks. I'll call her back.
- I wish I could fire Sherry.
- Hey, I'm still here.
- Okay. I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Hanging up now.

- Mmm.
- Necesito UN bueno worker.
- Tu es fuerte. Come on.

[first lines; Pam is working reception when she gets a phone call]
Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Michael: [over the phone] Pam! It's Michael. Help me! I need help right now.
Pam: [genuinely concerned] Michael, what's wrong?
Michael: I'm hurt, I have hurt myself. Oh my God!
Pam: Ok, wait wait wait wait...
Michael: No, I want you to pick me up.
Jim: What?
Pam: Ok...
Jim: [walks over to reception] What's going on?
Pam: Wait a second, I thought you said that you were hurt.
Michael: I am hurt. I hurt my foot.
Jim: I'm sorry? Pam.
[Pam is exasperated]
Jim: What is going on?
Michael: I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up.
[Jim lunges across Pam's desk and puts Michael on speakerphone]
Michael: [screaming] OH GOD!
[Everyone in the office looks up at hearing Michael]
Jim: Hey, whoa, Michael...
Michael: Oh God!
Jim: It's, okay, it's Jim. Just say again, uh, *really loudly* what happened.
Michael: OK,
[makes pained goofy moan]
Michael: I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work.
Jim: You burned *your* foot on a Foreman Grill?

Dwight: [deleted scene] Dwight Schrute. My father's name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name, Dweide Schrude, Amish. That's my family. I don't know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland.
Michael: [holding up a Dundie and pretending it is talking] Hello. I'm Michael Scott. I'm the best boss in the world.
Jim: My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens, literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows, you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean... or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don't know.

Pam: Dwight!
- Hey, man, it's Halpert. Did you go to the other guy yet?
- Great. Don't. I'm in.
- Yeah. Yep, I'm all in.
- Okay, talk to you soon. Bye.
- Yeah!

Jim: Well, I think I'm gonna see Katy.
Pam: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: What are you guys gonna do?
Jim: Oh, man, I don't know. Dinner. Drinks, movie, matching tattoos.

Angela: My baby is not a monster.

Jim: Just have Dwight punch you.
Michael: Oh, yeah.
[scoffs]
Michael: Well, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who can kick his ass.
Jim: You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?
Dwight: What belt are they?

[Michael is grilling steaks for Bob Vance's bachelor party]
Ryan: Is it the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Michael: No. Yes, but I got all the foot off of it.
Ryan: Oh, gross.

- Yeah, I would have. [Chuckles]
- What about you? Come on, there's got to be something.
- Between your birth and the last two days, something you just haven't had the chance to tell me.
- Just tell me.
- God, give it up, beesly.
- You know me too well.

- Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.
- No. No.
- This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.
- I don't care. Okay.
- How do you feel about Maine?
- I'm on it. I'll see you later, love.

- Hey, look at me! I'm a baby.
- I'm one of those babies from look who's talking.
- What am I thinking?
- Look at all those staplers. What's a stapler? I don't even know. I'm a baby.
- Hey, mom! I'm thirsty! I'm thirsty, mama! I want some milk!
- And you know where milk comes from? Breasts.

Michael: [greeting Karen Filippelli] Welcome! Wow, you're very exotic-looking. Was your dad a GI, or...

Andy: Didn't mean to bother you Mabel. Mabel, Mabel, if you're able, keep your elbows off the table.

[Dwight interviews for Regional Manager position with his face covered in bandages and shades, handing Jim, Toby, and Gabe his résumé]
Jim: Hello, Mr. Souvenier. Mr. Jacques Souvenier? Nice to meet you. It says here you're French?
[Dwight nods, and Jo looks at the bandaged Dwight suspiciously, believing that it is really Dwight]
Jim: So you worked at your last job for 15 years as assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight: [Muttering to disguise his voice] Assistant regional manager.
Jim: Assistant *to the* regional manager.
Dwight: Assistant regional manager.
Jim: What is it?
Dwight: [in French accent] Assistant regional manager.
Jim: Oh, that's my mistake. Sorry about that. The last paper company you worked for burned to the ground? And all because they wouldn't hire a manager who lived and breathed paper. That's a travesty.

Andy: [claps] Chef from South Park, it's genius!
Darryl: Just some chef.

- try to walk away and I stumble though I try to hide it it's clear my world crumbles when you are not near my world it crumbles when you are not here

- All: Aye!
- Okay. I'm going to get going then.
- All: Aye!
- What was that? That was funny.
- That was funny.
- Let's go do it to somebody else.

Julius: Stanley Hudson.
- Julius, how's it going?
- Great, great, great.
- Stanley, so good to see you.
- You, too.
- I'd like you fellows to meet Ryan Howard.
- Hi. Yeah. I'm gonna let Ryan do a little pitch for you while I do my crossword puzzle. Ryan.

Dwight: Okay. First, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.

Dwight: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

Phyllis: I've called every grocery store in Scranton and no one sells whole pigs.
Angela: Did you try the petting zoo?

- Doesn't remember it for years. Toxic shock syndrome.
- Maybe it's Stockholm syndrome.
- Maybe it's China syndrome.
- Could be any one of them.
- It's a messed up world.
- It is a messed up world.
- But it's our messed up world.

Michael: If this were Russia, yeah. Sure, everybody would go to one Santa and there would be a line around the block, and once you sat on her lap and she asked you what you wanted. You would say, probably, "freedom." At which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.

[to Jim about the hot saleswoman, Katy]
Roy: Man, I would be all over that if I wasn't dating Pam.
Pam: We're not dating, we're engaged.

- That is... wow.
- Thank you.
Jim: The borscht hotel.
- The embassy beets. Radish inn.
- How are you doing this?
Pam: I don't know.

- The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials, like magazines, entertainment. Right.
- Things like that.
- This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment.
- How did you do this so fast?
- Is this powerpoint?

Kevin: I suck.

Creed: [wearing a blood-splattered shirt] It's Halloween. This is really really good timing.

Michael: Jim is a friend of mine. So the only people this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam, and me.

Andy: Oh, it is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn.

Kelly: So I received my first Valentine from a secret admirer.
[opens envelope and reads from card]
Kelly: Roses are red, violets are blue. It's time for your dental cleaning and maybe a checkup, too.

Kelly: Um, why did I just receive a mass email from you that said that you don't like me? Do you realize how hard that makes me like you, Andy?

Dwight: You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples. Boing!

Michael: [Michael has just finished writing a pros and cons list about Jan] Done.
Pam: Read the pros first.
Michael: Ok, Jan is smart, uh, successful, good clothes, hot, perfect skin, nice butt.
Phyllis: She does have very nice clothes.
Karen: Ok, ok, uhm... cons.
Michael: Cons: wears too much make up; breasts, not anything to write home about, insecure about body, I'm unhappy when I'm with her, flat-chested...
Pam: What was the last one?
Michael: She's totally flat, shrunken chesticles.
Phyllis: No, the one before that.
Michael: I'm unhappy when I'm with her.
Pam: [pause] Michael, you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't make you happy.
Michael: I'm happy sometimes. Uhm... when we scrapbook or right towards the end of having sex.
Karen: Look, most relationships have their rough patches, you just have to push through it sometimes.
Michael: Man, that's smart.
Pam: Maybe. But it sounds like you're just wrong for each other.
Michael: That sounds good too.
[Pam and Karen look at each other, and the latter acts uncomfortable]
Michael: I don't know who's right. I just, I don't know. I don't know.
Phyllis: I bet you know, don't think, just answer, what you wanna do about Jan?
Michael: I wanna break up with Jan.
[Realizes his answer]
Michael: Wow! I wanna break up with Jan.
Phyllis: [Everybody smiles] My mom taught me that.

Jim: [about the guys doing parkour] The goal is getting from Point A to Point B as creatively as possible, so, technically, they are doing parkour as long as Point A is "delusion" and Point B is "the hospital."

Michael: [to Gabe] If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. That's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.

Michael: It's Saint Patrick's day. Here in Scranton, St. Patty's day is a big deal. It is the closest the Irish will ever have to Christmas.

Carol: [shows Michael a framed photograph of her two kids, herself and a man on a ski trip. Michael had photoshopped his face in place of Carol's ex-husband's face] What is this?
Michael: [laughing] That is my Christmas card. It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast. "Ski-eason's Greetings."
Carol: No. See, we never went on a ski trip.
Michael: [holding back laughs] I know. I know.
Carol: I went on a ski trip two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband.
Michael: Right. Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you, in a sense, I was in your heart...
Carol: [interrupts him] Michael...
Michael: ...and next to your kids. What?
Carol: This is so weird.
Michael: I don't understand.
Jim: [to the camera] It's a bold move to photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael's a bold guy. Is "bold" the right word?

Dwight: Pam and Karen, I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning immediately.
Pam: You can't do that.
Dwight: As ranking number three in this office, I am order...
Andy: [grunts] I'm number three.
Dwight: You're number four.
Andy: Yeah, but I'm number three.
Dwight: Uh, no.
[to Pam]
Dwight: You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately. They will be returned to you on January 4th.
Jim: Okay, I think I can help here.
Dwight: Okay, good. They...
Jim: As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees, and I am the sole member of the committee. The committee will act on this now.
Dwight: Okay, this is stupid.
Jim: Could you please keep it down? I'm in session.
[long pause]
Jim: I have determined that this committee is valid.
Dwight: What? No! No! Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
[thinks about it]
Dwight: Permission to join the Validity Committee.
Jim: Permission denied.
Dwight: Damn it.

Dwight: [unfolds a letter from his jacket and reads from it] I state my regret.
Jim: You couldn't have memorized that?

Dwight: There's still one thing we can do to get Toby fired.
Michael: What's that?
[Dwight closes the office door]
Dwight: Frame him for using drugs.
Michael: Frame him?
Dwight: Yeah. It's illegal, but, everything they do on "The Shield" is illegal.

- You want me to drive to your house if! Need paper?
- Maybe you just want someone to talk to, maybe you need a place to crash for a couple of days.
- My wireless password is "eat, pray, love."
- Easy to remember.
- Ready? Go, go, go!

Michael: So Phyllis is basically saying, "Hey, Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year, but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth." I gave Ryan an iPod.

Michael: I think this is gonna work out great. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job, and I haven't been there in months.

- because he is not here, and out of sight. Out of the contest.
- Let's see who winds up with the cash, shall we?
- You're gonna compete against us?
- Oh, it is on, Phyllis.
- It is so on!
- It is so on!
- God, this is gonna be fun.
- Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us.

Dwight: I'm gonna use SMS text.
Angela: Okay.

Michael: [to the camera] I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It's every parent's dream!

Michael: Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.

Dwight: Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam.
Jim: You could've just called that an alliance too, right?
Dwight: I chose my words very carefully.

Jim: Hey, dude. Do you know what a rundown is?
Oscar: Use it in a sentence.
Jim: Uh... can you get this rundown for me?
Oscar: Try another sentence.
Jim: This rundown better be really good?
Oscar: I don't know but it sounds like the rundown's really important.
Jim: Charles asked me to do this rundown of all my clients.
Oscar: Why don't you just ask him, what...
Jim: No, I can't it was like hours ago.
Oscar: What have you been doing?
Kevin: Try another sentence.

Michael: If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company, and then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.
David: Michael...
Michael: That's one of 'em. Yes. There are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.

- He's not gonna be a murderer.
- Maybe that's how you die?
- You know what, Dwight, do you want to do this or no?
- Iwanna do this. Okay.
- From the top. Ready? Three...
- Action.

- How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?
- Hmm.
- That's a good question. 300 times... [Disconnects call]
- A hundred and eighty. Um, that comes to 25 minutes. [Dial tone]
- Yes. Oh, well, thank you, Jim.
- Yes, I am better than you.
- Thanks for acknowledging that.
- Okay, bye bye. Love you.

Pam: Corporate needs you to find the differences between this picture and this picture.
[Pam shows Creed two photos of a building]
Pam: Intel has told us there were at least seven.
Creed: Okay, I already see one, gimme. Okay.
Pam: [to the camera in the conference room] They're the same picture.

Dwight: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
Jim: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and that he could use a hug.
Dwight: Okay. Tell him that that's not true.
Jim: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
Dwight: Okay, no, Jim.
Andy: [chuckles] You guys.
Dwight: Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim, tell him!
[Andy walks away to his desk]
Jim: Andy... No, it's too far.
Dwight: [pause] Damn you.

- Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes.
- And he actually hooked up with one of the students, and then, like,
- 12 other kids came forward.
- It was in all the papers.
- Really ruined eighth grade for us.

Dwight: Well they can't all be winners. But Trevor's next, and he's a real professional. You say, "jump," and he says, "on who?" He loves to jump on people, that Trevor.

- Nothing. Just talking.
- Okay. Michael handed in his two-week notice.
- Did you also hand in your two-week... I didn't.
Charles: No? Okay.
- After you. No, I'm staying.
- Okay.

Dwight: [on Jim and Pam dating] I don't see it. I think they both can do better.

- Michael!
- Jim, are you clicking a detonator?
- It's a pen. Michael, come on.
- Get back to work,
- Dwight. Please.
- Fine.
- Hey, tap away.

- That's because this baby is of superior intelligence and can tell when he is being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast.
- Come on.
- He's not that smart.
- He doesn't know where I hid his duck.

- Sorry. Hi. So sorry.
- Careful.
[Softly] Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there.
- I know.
- Did you see that?
- I'm pretty sure she's...
- Hey.

Robert: [Being embraced by Kevin] I feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla.
Kevin: Yeah.
Robert: It's been 10 days since I had sexual intercourse.
[Kevin starts to let go as Robert holds on tighter]
Andy: Well, you came to the right place!

Andy: [about Angela] I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?
Dwight: I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.
Andy: Isn't that part of the fun?
Dwight: No. I think you should date Kelly.
Andy: She works here, too. How is that any different?
Dwight: She works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.

- I think I have everything I need.
- You'll be hearing from the
- Cornell application department.
- And you will be hearing from the
- Cornell application department.
- And you will not be pleased with the result!
- And your affiliation with
- Cornell will end completely.
- That is all, sir. You may go.

- Here. Let me just burp her. I don't want her to spit up on you.
- Isabel: Look at you.
- Come here, sweetie.
- Oh, my god.
Jim: What?
- Wrong baby. What?
- Wrong baby.
- This is not our baby!
- Oh, my god.

Dwight: Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it. So the baby could be anybody's. Except Michael's.

- Listen, I get my security deposit back. Yes, I do.
- That is not fair!
- That is not fair!
- Well, you know what?
- You have so many hairs on your chin, animal control should've taken you away.
[Gasps] That is very unladylike. You are disgusting!

- What happened to you?
- You should see the other guy.
- Jim, where is Pam?
- She's still pricing the whatevers... the shredders.
- But it is already 3:00.
- Right.

- Pam, hello. Dwight, hello.
- I wanted to thank you for helping me when you held the title of secret assistant to the regional manager.
- You served the office with great dignity.

Phyllis: Hi, guys. Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?

- Nice try. How's your polack-says-what index?
- What? Thanks, Kowalski.
- Can we get back on track here?
- By your own employee's calculation, you'll be obsolete in the next five to ten years.
- Wait. Ryan said that?

Ryan: Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun. And I'm learning that fun for Kelly is getting married and having babies... immediately... with me.

Jim: I wanna clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill.

Gabe: [Walking in to the crowded conference room with a cupcake] Happy birthday to Gabe!
Nellie: Oh, get out, Skeleton Man!

Dwight: Ever since Angela moved in and Mose had stopped sleeping at the foot of my bed, he's been acting pretty weird about this whole wedding thing.
Jim: Mose has been weird? That's so unlike him.

Darryl: My future isn't going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's going to be determined by two big black balls.

- Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies.
- Everyone, conference room. Now.
- All right. Easy there, grandpa.
- I don't need your help.
- Okay, you don't need my help?
- Here, here, just...

[first lines]
Michael: It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're going to be in this van, with me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44-year-old guy with a paper route.

Michael: [regarding the sexual harassment policy] Times have changed a little. And even though we're still a family here at Dunder Mifflin, families grow. And at some point, the daddy can't take a bath with the kids anymore. I am upper management, and it would be inappropriate for me to take a bath with Pam. As much as I might want to.
Pam: [cut to Pam] He said what?

Karen: I am the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Utica branch. Turns out it's a pretty easy gig when your boss isn't an idiot and your boyfriend's not in love with somebody else.

Michael: [deleted scene] Yeah, I marched on Washington back in the day. I went to the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, U.S. Mint, congressman talked to our class. It was pretty cool.
[to his crew]
Michael: Talk like you're talking to that race. I have a feeling that this could get kind of volatile. So keep it going.
[camera shows Devon sitting outside with West Nile]

Darryl: All I need is Kevin. Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined, and then some. When I first started selling cookies, he was a relatively thin man. Not a thin man, mind you. Relatively thin.

- and women of the world, unite!
- We must never acquiesce, for it is together...
- Together that we prevail!
- We must never cede control of the motherland!
- For it is...
- All: Together that we prevail!

- Hey. Oh, hello there.
- But what are you doing?
- I don't know.
- You shouldn't do things like that.
- The man is supposed to do that.

Michael: I got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great. You know, they just relax, they party all the time.
Pam: It's kind of an impoverished country.
Michael: Yeah. Gosh. Great.

Michael: Just hit me, you'll see.
Jim: I can't, 'cause I just got a manicure, so...
Michael: Oh, queer!
[remembers he's on camera]
Michael: Eye... "Queer Eye." That's a good show. Important show.

- Michael, what time should I be arriving?
- Dwight, it's couples only.
- And besides, I only have six wine glasses.
- So it will be me and jan, and Pam and Jim.
- And Angela and Andy.
- Hey, oh!
- Does it bother me that I wasn't invited to Michael's dinner party?

Michael: Pam, knock-knock.
Pam: [Whispering] I'm on the phone.
Michael: [Also whispering] I know you are, knock-knock.
Pam: [On the phone] You can fax it over. Yeah, five, seven, zero, five, five, five...
Michael: [Trying to distract Pam] Four, nine, one.
Pam: Zero, one.
Michael: Seven, four.
Pam: Seven, five.
Michael: Flive, line.
Pam: Zero, one. Seven, five. Than you, bye-bye
[Hangs up]
Pam: That really makes us look unprofessional.
Michael: They will never know it was me doing it. Here we go, knock-knock.
Pam: [Exasperated pause] Who's there?
Michael: Buda.
Pam: Buda who?
Michael: Buda this bread for me, won't you?
[Leaves a loaf of bread and a piece of butter on the table]
Michael: .

- All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue.
- Gil and I are going to Europe.
- Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.
- "Hope this helps. Jim."
- Nice.
- What are you doing?
[Shushing] Don't be scared.

Pam: [deleted scene] One time we had an ethnic festival in Scranton. One time.
Michael: Try my googi, googi.
[Lowering voice]
Michael: Try my googi, googi.
[High-pitched voice]
Michael: Try my googi, googi. Try my...
[Kelly slaps Michael]
Michael: All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Kelly, thank you.
[claps]
Michael: She's not here, but she gets it. That's what we have been looking for. The whole time.
[trying not to cry]
Michael: Oh, man. This is what I thrive on. You know? It's like Don Rickles on acid, man. Right?
Jim: Um, why did she slap Martin Luther King?
Michael: What, huh?
Pam: What card was she?
Jim: I think she wasn't wearing a card.
Michael: It's good. This is good. We got it happening now. All right? Let's keep it rolling. Let's round it up.

Jim: At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me.
Dwight: [next scene] Did you get your tickets?
Jim: To what?
Dwight: The gun show.
[lifts up his sleeve and kisses his arm]
Jim: [back to interview] And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him but only in ways that would get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says, "No, Jim, here's a way."

- the new Italian place where the dry cleaner used to be.
- Okay. Yeah?
- Yeah. Okay.
- Jim's just really passionate about Italian food.
- Yeah. I'm very passionate about Italian food.
- In fact, I'm in love with Italian food.

Ryan: Ever since I've gotten clean, there's something about fresh morning air that just really makes me sick.

Dwight: Well, that question is meaningless.
- Just go with the copy paper, it's your funeral.
- See how that works out for you.
- Hey.
- What's up? Hey.
- Same old.

- Oh, god!
- So good.
- Nurse: You're lucky to be alive.
- It'll take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill Michael scarn.
- Let's just make sure that everything's working properly.

Dwight: Hey... Why did you do it?
Michael: It was an *accident*.
Dwight: Was she talking back?
Michael: No.
Dwight: Just got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh... is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?
[Michael turns and glares at Dwight]

Michael: You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.

Darryl: Those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where did you get 'em, like, Queers "R" Us?

Todd: Does the carpet match the drapes?

Michael: So welcome one and all to the world premiere of corporate crap fest.

- Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the...
- Whatever. It's not a big deal.
- You know, I always tell my three-year-old, if this is the worst thing that's going to happen...
- You got to be kidding me!
- Okay, Pam! That's it!
- I'm going home!

- A little scrap of paper.
- These are terrible, boss.
- You got to make them in a circle, so that they cook evenly.
- They're shaped like paper.
- Well, I don't even want these.
- I'll take them for my kid.

Darryl: I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it would be good for my daughter to see a black man as president, even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.

[after getting instant messages from "the website"]
Dwight: It appears that website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please, that computer should be scared of me. I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.

Michael: I guess we're getting back together.
Pam: What happened?
Michael: Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger.

- I don't need a dreidel in my face. That's its own thing.
- And who's that black Santa for?
- I don't care.
- I know Santa ain't black.
- I could care less.
- I want Christmas.
- Just give me plain baby-Jesus-lying-in-a-manger
- Christmas.

Michael: Webster's dictionary defines wedding as "the fusing of two metals with a hot torch." Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals. Gold medals.

- I am dead inside.
- What do you want, baby?
- We got some granola, got some cupcakes, chips, apples, pies.
- You have a whole room of vending machines.
- I know. Isn't it something?
- I can't decide what I want.

Oscar: Yes. I am super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company in Scranton. Much like Sir Ian McKellen.

- Magic time.
- My hair!
- Get off! Get off me!
- Get it off me! Get off me!
- Hold still, woman!
- Get it off! I got it! I got it!
- Get it off!

Michael: I see the sales department as the furnace.
Phyllis: A furnace?
Jim: How old is this ship?
Pam: How about the anchor?
Phyllis: What does the furnace do?
Michael: All right, let's not get hung up on the furnace. It's just... It's the sales... I see the sales department are down there. They're in the engine room, and they're shoveling coal into the furnace. Right? I mean, who saw the movie "Titanic"? They were very important in the movie "Titanic." Who saw it? Show of hands.
Jim: Not really sure what movie you're talking about. Are you sure you got the title right?
Michael: "Titanic."
Pam: I think you're thinking of "The Hunt for Red October."

Dwight: [Speaking to Rachel Wallace] Are those real pearls?

Jim: [imitating Dwight] Fact: bears eat beets. Bears, beets, "Battlestar Galactica."

- The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so that we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight.
- Fight! Fight! Fight!
- Fight! Fight!
- I'm coming. Fight!
- Sorry.

- Tell me what is going on.
- Martin from stamford was at one time in prison.
- No! Be cool, be cool!
- I am greatly concerned about having a convict in the office.
- And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German or some kind of halfsy.
- I do not like criminals.

- I'm sorry.
- I had no idea.
- No, it's okay.
- Okay. Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god. No, no, no, no.

- Drive safe!
- Everybody knows I go to Philly.
- I've just been using sick days I saved up.
- But Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks, I went along with it.
[Laughs] Darryl, you are too much!
- That guy's hilarious.
- He's here today.

- one single fact about bear attacks.
- Okay. No, Jim. You guys.
- Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run.
- Jim, tell him!
- Andy... no, it's too far.
- Damn you.

- I find it absolutely disgraceful that no one followed you in here for your walk-out.
- I took the Liberty of making a list of everyone who didn't follow you in here.
- Jim, Oscar, creed, me, at first... Kelly...
- Maybe I should go.
- Are you gonna quiet that baby or do I have to?

- Yeah. Whatever you think would work.
- What do you... yeah.
- I think a change would be nice.
- You could do the old way or the, you know... whichever one you want to do.
- Mmm-hmm. [Phone ringing]
Deangelo: [Whispering]
- Change it.

- Okay. Okay, guys.
- Here we go. We'll see you.
- How do you feel?
- Drive carefully! Good luck!
- Bye!
Oscar: Good luck!
- False alarm.

- Yes! We are unveiling an artificial tree that will never die.
- Yes. Like the spirit of Christmas.
- And we're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off a fake tree?
- This was a successful unveiling! Go back to work!
- Merry Christmas.

Michael: There is no movie called Willy Wonka! It's called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!
Pam: It's actually based on the book called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

- All right, let me explain, again.
Michael: Phil has recruited me and another guy.
- Now we are getting three people each.
- The more people that get involved, the more people who are investing, the more money we're all gonna make. It's not a pyramid scheme.
- It is a... it's not even a scheme, per se. It's...

Dwight: I pick up day laborers and tell them they'll get paid at six p.m. At five forty five, a certain INS agent by the name of Mose Schrute throws them in the back of a van, drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg, and tells them it's Canada.

Michael: The only signal that I am sending is, gay good! Look, if I was gay I would be the most flamboyant gay you've ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers and just... I'd be waving that rainbow flag.

Creed: Hi, kids. Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?

Dwight: [about Angela's cat, Sprinkles] Well, you left the TV on... and your cat is dead.

Michael: You have no idea how high I can fly.

Creed: You ever notice you can only ooze two things: sexuality and puss.

Andy: [about Angela] You need to set me up with her. I know she told you that she's looking, and she's totally not responding to my moves.
Pam: What moves?
Andy: I have moonwalked past accounting, like, 10 times.
Pam: I can't believe that's not working.
Andy: Yeah.

Creed: [Speaking to the camera] I think just about anyone can be a star. My postman, the night janitor here. Andy, no. Definitely not. Charisma black hole.

Michael: If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war. There would be no... government, and... things could get terrible. It actually, probably, it would be a better... screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.

- to show corporate that
- I gave you the training.
- Don't sign anything.
- Okay, everybody, listen up, if you're not in that conference room in two minutes,
- I am going to kill you.
- It's a quarter to 5:00 and I have started to gather my things.
- Get in there right now or I'm going to lose it!

Pam: I'm just saying, Roy is very competitive and he wants to take the WaveRunners to the lake this Saturday, so...
Jim: Well, I'm going to the outlet mall on Saturday, so if you wanna save big on brand names, and Roy has to work, which he will, because I'm also competitive, you should feel free to come along.
Pam: Um... I think I'm gonna be up at the lake.
Jim: I think I'll see you at the mall. Yeah.

Michael: Well, I'm moving to Colorado to start my new life with Holly. Just up here getting used to the altitude.
Dwight: Michael?
Michael: Yes?
Dwight: I've got a treat for you.
Michael: Oh! Thank you. Like a butler.
Dwight: Colorado specialty: Rocky Mountain Oysters.
Michael: [Starts eating one] Wow, those do not taste like oysters.
Dwight: That's because they're not oysters! They're bull testicles! I cut them off fresh this morning! Ha!
Michael: [Spitting them out] Sick freak. What is wrong with you?

Jim: [Jim sits at his desk, dressed like Dwight] Question, what kind of bear is best?
Dwight: That's a ridiculous question.
Jim: False. Black bear.
Dwight: Well, that's debatable. There are basically two schools of thought.
Jim: Fact, bears eat beets. Bears, beets, "Battlestar Galactica."
Dwight: Bears do not... What is going on? What are you doing?
Jim: [in confessional] Last week, I was in a drugstore, and I saw these glasses. Four dollars. And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble, and that is a grand total of $11.
Dwight: [Back at their desks] You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. So I thank you.
[Jim takes a bobblehead doll out of his suitcase and sets it on his desk]
Dwight: Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!
Jim: [imitating Dwight] Michael!
Dwight: Oh, that's funny. Michael!

Michael: I set the rules, and you follow them blindly, okay? And if you have a problem with that, then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trashcan.

Michael: [to Stanley] Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack. Not crack the drug.

- That's totally cool.
- You can do whatever you want.
- Okay, good.
- We're friends.
- We'll always be friends.
- Right.
- It's good to have you back.
- Yeah, good to be back.

Jim: Dwight, should she
[Nellie]
Jim: be our manager?
Dwight: I wouldn't let her manage a celery farm.
Dwight: [In Talking Heads] Those who can't farm. Farm celery.

Pam: No, he wasn't sad.
- He was full of hope.
- About Colorado.
- And he was hoping to get an upgrade as an awards member.
- And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.

- I don't mind if I do. Thank you.
Dwight: Thank you, Santa.
- Okay, happy holidays.
- It's real slippery out here.
- Oh, my god.
- Twelve drummers drumming.

Michael: That is a $200 plasma screen TV that you just killed! Good luck paying me back with your zero-dollars-a-year salary plus benefits, babe!

Kevin: Abby's my fiancée Stacey's daughter. I think she'll have a good time. I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. Actually, I'd better go check.

Toby: Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay? This is about escaping with your life. So... strike, scream and run.

- Phyllis.
- Oh, they're still not done.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Let me see. Oh, Phyllis.
- Nice try.
- I love them.

- Wait.
- What have you done?
- Mose?
- You'll never guess where I am right now.

Michael: So, this is one of my favorite places in the world.
Holly: Why?
Michael: This is where Toby announced that he was going to Costa Rica. It was the happiest day of my life... until the day you came to replace him.

Phyllis: [in her game character] "I overheard you asking the butler where the pistol was kept."
[Michael gasps]
Dwight: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm the butler. What, you were listening in on that? Oh, you rich people, you think you can do whatever you want to the servant class!
Michael: No, no, no. Don't turn this into a political thing.
Dwight: I will poison your food.

Pam: Let me make something clear. Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office.
Jim: No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place.
Pam: Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed.
Jim: And a shower.

Michael: [during safety training] Seasonal affective disorder. A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.
Darryl: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?

- She still has feelings for you.
- She said that?
- Is that what it said?
- What did it say?
- I can't tell you specifically, but it's not over.
- You're sure?

Pam: What's wrong, Michael?
Michael: I got gum in my hair.
Pam: You do.
Michael: This just stinks. Don't touch it. Please don't touch it.
Dwight: You've got a ton of dandruff.
Michael: Okay, let me be.
Jim: How'd you get gum in your hair?
Michael: I was walking in, and I noticed something shinny under Stanley's car, and I got under to see what it was, and I messed up my hair, all for a stupid piece of tinfoil.
Jim: But best case scenario, you thought it was a quarter.
Michael: Kill me... right now.
Pam: We have peanut butter in the kitchen.
Michael: I don't feel like peanut butter. Get me an ice cream sandwich.
Jim: Nope. Not for you it's for your hair, and it is 9 am.
Pam: No, Dwight, not the good peanut butter. People are going to get mad.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey. This is my hair we're talking about.

- Pick it up. Take it out.
- Pick?
- Okay. Pick it up.
- Take it out. Pick it up. Pick it up.
- Pick it up. Take it out.
- Right. Okay.

Michael: It's hot today. The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant, which would make it about
[looks at his watch]
Michael: 2:00 in the afternoon.

Michael: Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.

- This is, like, the cutest thing ever.
- Really? A baby otter? Okay, count me in as "who cares?"
- It's not even that interesting, the baby otter.
- It can't even stand up.
- It's trying to stand up.
- There he goes.

- Are you really comfortable standing there?
- I tried one of those, and I just couldn't find the sweet spot.
- Hey, guys, let's just all admit it, okay? Dwight's better than us.
- He had the guts to stop sitting, and he's never, ever gonna go back on it, right?
- That's right, Jim.

Andy: In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyoncé.
Michael: I am Beyoncé always.
Andy: Not this time.
Michael: Yes, I am.

[first lines]
Dwight: I have the best survival stock shelter in north eastern Pennsylvania. But everything has a shelf-life. So I must eat and replace everything that's about to expire. It's nice not to have to plan my meals.

- No, no, no.No.
- I believe that every man, woman, and child in this country should learn how to speak Spanish.
- They are our neighbors to the south, and this would be a healing thing for all of North America.
- And I am going on vacation next week to Cancun.

- you're the laziest, jerkiest and you're dumber than an apple sauce we're stuck listening to you all day
- Stanley tried to die just to get away well, it's true that's what I hate about you that's what I hate about you

- Oh, well, perhaps I could reword some of it to...
- Here's the thing. You asked me to do you a favor.
- I did it. I read it.
- Thank you very much to me for my time.
- Good luck with your impossible dream.
- All right then.

Jim: That's a really good idea Kelly.
Kelly: What did I say?
Kelly: [in the "confessional"] I talk a lot, so I learn to tune myself out.

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
- I'm rejecting your kiss.
- I... what? I didn't...

Dwight: I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

Erin: You left me in charge of the pens Pam. That's what happened. The pens happened.

Andy: What if the moon was your car, and Jupiter was your hairbrush?

Ryan: Why would Erin confide in me that she's staying here in Florida if she didn't want me to make some last-ditch, nothing-to-lose, Kelly Ka-who? run at her?

Michael: [Reading past complaints that Dwight had made about Jim] "Every time I typed my name, it said diapers."
Jim: [to film crew] Just a simple macro.

Michael: I know they wanted cash, but I give them cash every week. How much cash does a person need? I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me.

Michael: And I had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Pam: What?
Michael: Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget.
[clears throat]
Michael: Jim, you're 6'11", and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela, where's Angela? Well, there you are. I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted.
[Stanley starts to laugh]
Michael: Oscar, you are...
[starts giggling]
Michael: Oscar, you're gay.
Oscar: Wow.
Michael: Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck and you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted.

[Clears throat] And that's not me being mean, Dwight.
- That is based on your past behavior.
- Oh, please.
- When I let him, uh, come to my pick-up game.
- I apologized for that.
- I vouched for you.
- Michael... I vouched for you in front of Todd packer, Dwight.

- the side job, and she was so incredibly cool about it.
- And now I just want to do something huge for her.
- Like if we were in some biker bar and she mouthed off to some bikers and they came lumbering over and I was like... wham!
- "You've got to go through me first!"

Michael: Mint chocolate chip!

Michael: [at a meeting] Has anyone ever come up to you and said, "You're not creative"?
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: Well, they're wrong. You are creative. You are damn creative, each and every one of you. You are so much more creative than all of the other dry, boring morons that you work with.
[they all look around, confused]
Jim: Who are you talking to, specifically?

- So my looks have nothing to do with it?
- Oh, god.
- Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now, and it doesn't matter how great a guy I am.
- And that is all I needed.
- I'm good. I can go home now.

- Sure. Altoid?
- Mint, Dwight? "Mint, Dwight?"
- Yes.
- What are you doing?
- I don't know. I... what?
- My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden.

Pam: [deleted scene] Last night? Let's see.
Dwight: Go ahead. Don't lie.
Pam: I won't. It's just that last night is really hard for me to remember because I was just a teensy bit high. Should I have not said that?
Dwight: No, no, no. It's okay. Go ahead.
Pam: I know that I shouldn't have done it. But I was in the parking lot at the Quick and Easy.
Dwight: Oh.
Pam: And I took a bong hit from my Bong Water with my pimp.
Dwight: Oh.

Toby: I don't think Michael intended to punish me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly. But if he did intend that... Wow. Genius.

- Dwight. Dwight.
- Come on, relax. This shirt wasn't doing you any favors.
- If my assessment is correct, you grind your teeth?
- I do.
- No kidding. She sits three feet from me. It's the most annoying thing.
- It's like children singing Christmas Carols.

- No, no! No talking!
- Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke.
- Those are the rules of jinx and they are unflinchingly rigid.
- "Sold out"?
- That has never happened in the history of jinx.
- Sorry, it's not my problem.

- And also because of Dwight, too.
- So, finally,
- I want to thank god, because god gave me this dundie and I feel god in this chili's tonight.
- Pam beesley, ladies and gentlemen!
- Thank you. Yeah!

Pam: I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might...
[pauses]
Pam: It's just... I don't think it's many girls' dream to be a receptionist.

Jim: Name.
Dwight: Dwight Schrute.
Jim: Thank you, Mr. Schnute. We will let you know.

- Meryl Streep is the bad guy.
- Never see it coming.
- Anyway, if I was mean in any way to you, I am sorry.
- I just want what's best for you, minooshka.
[Whispering] Minooshka.
- Mo cuishle. He's watching million dollar baby.
- He's gonna try to kill me.

- It was topical. People got a big kick out of it.
- The year before that
- I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress.
- The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky, and before that I was o.J.
- It was pretty funny.
- Oh, I wish you were here last year.

Michael: Today, Jo Bennett, the CEO from Sabre, is coming to see us here for the first time. She bought us sight unseen, like a mail-order bride, so she's gotta be kinda nervous. I mean, are we ugly? Are we smart? Are we cool? Are we too cool? Do we speak English?

- He does make my life harder sometimes, and on purpose.
- Like, he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls as a way of bringing in more money for the company.
- Hey, three more laps to go!
- You gotta pick it up if you're gonna beat Toby!
- I should probably get back to work.

- Susanne: Well, this feels like a good place to stop.
- Let's thank all our wonderful panelists for being here on this wonderful panel today.
- Next week at the Scranton cultural center, don't forget, Irish step dancing semi-finals.
- Winning team to mid-Atlantic.

- Yeah.
- Empty. Mine too.
- Oh, boy. Oh, my god.
- Okay.
- Hi. Is this the party?
- Nah.

- You got it. Double.
- Done. Pntnotmddmg.
- Neither am I. It's already done.
- I'm just kidding.
- It's going to wkesomefime. Double.
- Hey.

- Okay.
- Goodbye, prince famin.
- Should be called the "sucker" family.
- "Here you go, shark.
- "Let me fix your fin for you and sharpen your teeth while I'm at it."
- Bye-bye, suckers.

Darryl: [about Kelly] It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's getting to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door.

[Toby comes back from Costa Rica and surprises a distraught Michael]
Toby: Hi, Mich...
Michael: No, God!... No, God, please, no!... No!... No!... Nooooo!

- Are you kidding me?
- No communication with the outside world, Jim.
- Had to be done.
- It had to be done.
- Well, that kind of sucks because it had all the photos of my brother's new baby on it.
- Oh, that is too bad. Shoot

Dwight: [chanting] Utica! Utica! Utica!

Pam: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I hate even thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me and she still hates me.

[as it comes to Michael's turn during their game]
Michael: [loud clapping] All right, my
[clap clap clap]
Michael: my
[clap]
Michael: my
[clap]
Michael: my turn! My
[clap]
Michael: my my my
[clapclapclap]
Michael: my turn!
[clap]
Michael: My my my my turn!
[clap]
Jan: Babe, can you just, like, really...
Michael: What?
Jan: You're just, like, really...
Michael: [laughing] What? What?
Jan: Could you just simmer down? Seriously.
Michael: I'm just making people laugh.
Jan: No.
Michael: Yes, I was watching Jim's face.
Jan: I was watching Jim.
[Jim stares off with a blank expression]
Michael: And he was laughing. Look.
Jan: [turns to the camera] No smile.
Michael: Look at him. He's laughing.

Michael: Dwight, what is your middle name?
Dwight: Danger.
Michael: Something with a "K."
Jim: It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that.

Dwight: Attention, everyone, I just got a text from Michael. He says "personnel day." Are we hiring?
Jim: Yeah. You're being replaced.

Karen: [squeaking chair to annoy Jim into giving up his chair, Jim smirks and begins to sing "Lovefool" by the Cardigans] Stop. This is not fair. It's gonna be in my head all day. Please. This is not a proportionate response.

Angela: I was disappointed in Dwight today.
- He showed a weakness that was unbecoming.
- Even if he did do it for me.
- I don't need pity, and I don't need charity.
Angela: I have my dignity, and that's enough.
- And as long as I have that, I'll be okay.

- Disgusting.
Michael: Look at him.
- With his stupid face.
- Stupid tan.
- Yeah. He looks great. Well-rested.
- No. He looks worse.

- That and my sister's.
- Who brought in donuts?
- Somebody got donuts for my birthday.
- Happy birthday. You didn't know it was my birthday?
- I guess I forgot.
- Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut.
- Are you serious?

Jim: There are other reasons to go to Ohio.
Pam: [interrupting] We're getting married today.
Jim: [laughs] So it turns out it's the closest place to get a marriage license without a three-day waiting period.
Pam: Tell them how it happened.
Jim: Okay, so we're going through all the wedding plans and, boy, it is complicated.
Pam: And very expensive.
Jim: Very expensive. 'Cause you say you want a small wedding and that's great, but then you have to...
Pam: You can't leave anyone out.
Jim: No one.
Pam: Okay, just get to the good part.
Jim: Right, so, this morning, we are having breakfast together and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, "You know what I want to do today? I want to marry you."
Pam: I had just woken up. I didn't look cute. That's how I know he meant it.

Michael: Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping. And... Do you know what "hypothetical" means?
[Jim makes an unsure expression]
Michael: Not real.
Jim: Got it.
Michael: So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, would you go?
Jim: Absolutely. Yes.
[in confessional]
Jim: When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.
Michael: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: Oh, do you want to go today?
Jim: [aside to the camera] And I am always busy.
[to Michael]
Jim: Oh, I can't go today because I'm donating blood.

Dwight: I trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.

Kelly: Ciao.
Dwight: [shouting] Stick insect!

- Each year, the national hockey league accepts one civilian amateur to play in the all-star game.
- It's down to the three of you.
- The final test is speed skating.
- On your marks, get set...
- Die.

Pam: Dwight mercy-killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela, who are both already prone to unpleasantness.

- That is how wars get started.
- Fine, I'll tell her it was me.
- Oh, man! That's fresh squeezed!
- And are all the snacks complimentary?
- Yeah. Take some home if you want.
- No, that's okay. I'm...

Michael: AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.

[during a talking heads segment about Jan's boob job]
Meredith: I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than to the front.
Kevin: I love fake boobs. Oftentimes, you find them on strippers.
Creed: I find it offensive. Au naturel, baby. That's how I like them. Swing low, sweet chariots.

Todd: [imitating rapper] What's up, my nerds?

Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs.

Michael: Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you are nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then... Then suddenly she's not your ho no mo'!

Pam: Oh, wow. I forgot how pretty your house is.
Dwight: This is the newest addition built by Erasmus Schrute in 1808. It doubled as a tuberculosis recovery room until 2009.

- Bye, hunter. Bye.
- Good luck with your band.
- Oh, thank you... don't let them change you, okay?

Jo: When Mamma was working as a prison guard, and something went missing, she'd ask one question. What do we do when we find the guilty party? And if they said come down on them with that swift hammer of justice. Innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said, Officer Bessy, well they may have had a reason, blah, blah, blah. Well nine times out of ten, that's the anus they check.

- So that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend.
- You want a three-and-a-half day weekend for Columbus day?
- Yes, I do.
- And you are aware that
- Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of native Americans?
- I don't care.

- Good timers, follow me.
- Back-ups.
- Go on, kid. You know you don't belong here.
- A team. Okay.
- All right, everybody, nice self awareness.
- Except...

Jim: [watching the stripper arrive in her car] Have you ever seen a stripper before?
Dwight: Yes. Jennifer Garner portrayed one on "Alias." It was one of her many aliases.
Jim: Yeah, me neither.
Elizabeth the Stripper: [walks over to them] Hey. I'm Elizabeth. I'm the dancer that was requested.
Dwight: Okay. I specifically ordered a stripper.
Elizabeth the Stripper: I'm the stripper.
Dwight: Oh, okay. Good. Well, in the future, please identify yourself as such. Okay.
Jim: [reads a text he just got from Michael on his phone] Oh, God.
Dwight: [reads the text aloud] "Is she hot?"
[looks at her]
Dwight: Text back, "Kind of."

Dwight: My first love is beet farming, but it's a young man's game. Who ever heard of an old beet farmer?

- Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer.
- Oh, that sucks! Great.
- Wow, that's good timing.
- Thats_.
- Sorry, that's terrible.
- Terrible news.
- That's terrible news for both of us.

Michael: [filming video] Michael, I know what you're thinking. Holly's engaged to another man, and you want to kill yourself. It may seem like a good idea, but it's not.
Erin: [giggles] Snot. Sorry, it sounded like you said it's snot. I am so sorry.
Michael: Okay, so killing yourself.
[laughs]
Michael: I was just thinking about snot.

Dwight: I'll be dammed if I'm gonna let us lose me.

Michael: It is Friday morning and it is another beautiful day in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
[sees man in a turban outside]
Michael: Oh my God. Ohhh.
[dials phone number]
Michael: Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Oh, we have a serious problem here.
[goes out onto office floor]
Michael: Alright everybody, lock the doors, turn off the lights. Pretend you're not here.
Jim: Are we in danger?
Michael: There's no time to think about if this is real. Just, shh, everybody.
[knock at the front door]
Kevin: Michael, should I call the...
[Michael waves his hands]
Kevin: What?
Michael: [talking to the camera] The IT tech guy and me did not get off to a great start.

- I'll make sure that's covered.
- Okay, now, who wrote this...
- This hysterical one?
- Anal fissures.
- That's a real thing.
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
- Someone has it.

Angela: [as Angela, Stanley, Toby and Pam are forging Michael's signature] This is illegal.
Stanley: I don't care.

Gabe: Michael, you've just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?
Michael: Yes. Of course. What's this in reference to?

- Did you pass out in there?
- What is taking so long?
- I've been in here for 20 seconds.
- Hurry up! Let me in! I want to watch you get dressed.
- Did you find the eyeliner?
- I'm not wearing eyeliner.
- You are wearing eyeliner, Jim.

Jim: I just got a message from my landlord. Apparently, my apartment flooded, something with the sprinkler.
Jan: Oh no!
Jim: Pam, we should probably get going to see the damage.
Pam: Oh, okay.
Michael: You don't need to. You don't need to do that.
Jim: That's true, um. Dinner sounded delicious. Pam, see you at home. Thank you so much.
Pam: Oh, Jim, I don't think you're going to abandon this party all by yourself.
Jim: I don't know. because everything I own is there.
Pam: You can buy new stuff, but you can't buy a new party.
Michael: That's true. That is a good point. Come on down here. Sit down on that couch and be amongst friends. And we are not going to think about all your stuff being destroyed, all right?

Jim: Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

- Everyone's driving me crazy.
- I know way too much about Andy's scrotum.
- And my mom won't stop freaking out about my dad's new girlfriend.
- This is supposed to be our wedding day.
- Why did we invite all these people?

Michael: She has a boyfriend.
Pam: I'm so sorry, Michael.
Michael: How could she do this to me, Pam?
Pam: She's not doing it to hurt you.
Michael: I can't do the presentation, I can't-... just... oh... thinking about seeing him... and... thinking about... him getting to hold her and getting to kiss her, it just- oh, God!
Pam: Listen, when Jim was dating Karen, I didn't want to come to work. It was awful. I hated it. I wanted to quit, but...
Michael: I know, just... uh, please, I'm going through something, okay?
Pam: You know, when Holly gets back, everyone will tell her what a great job you did. And then she'll realize what she's missing.
Michael: And then she'll move back to Scranton. And her boyfriend will die.
Pam: Yeah, maybe.

- and get comfortable.
- There's nothing out here, man.
Michael: Yeah.
- I don't know. I just imagined a hotel right here, pool over here, little breakfast place with really good bacon. Just_

Dwight: Most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook. Which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.
Oscar: How would anyone even know...
Dwight: Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook?

- First item on the agenda, can I get everyone an extra long
- Columbus day weekend?
- Item number two, connect with the guy.
- Robert California, what does he think of me?
- Don't know. Super care.
- Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.

Jim: [Michael's hands are tied to the rail of the Booze Cruise ship] What happened to you?
Michael: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Jim: Right, 'cause you announced that his ship was sinking?
Michael: Yeah. He just totally lost it. If you ask me, he caused the panic.
Jim: What a night.
Michael: Well, it's nice for you. Your friend got engaged.
Jim: She was always engaged.
Michael: Roy said the first one didn't count.
Jim: That's great. You know, to tell you the truth, I used to have a big thing for Pam. So...
Michael: Really? You're kidding me. You and Pam? Wow! I would have never put you two together. You really hid it well. God! I usually have a radar for stuff like that.
[sighs]
Michael: You know, I made out with Jan.
Jim: Yeah, I know.
Michael: Yeah, yeah. Well, Pam is cute.
Jim: Yeah. She's really funny, and she's warm, and she's just... Anyway.
Michael: Well, if you like her so much, don't give up.
Jim: She's engaged.
Michael: BFD. Engaged ain't married.
Jim: Huh.
Michael: [Uncharacteristically serious] Never, ever, ever give up.

[repeated line]
Michael: That's what *she* said!

- Hey, he deserves this, and he said I could get in on it, too.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Pam, no! Oh,
- I can't bear to watch this.
- I don't know what
- I was so worried about.
- I have the best wife in the world.
- I still can't believe he didn't tell me.

Kevin: [Angela and Phyllis are hanging up a banner for the Launch Party] Isn't 7:00 p.m. a little late for a lunch party?
Angela: [to Phyllis] Lunch party? It's supposed to say "Launch Party." What is wrong with you?
Phyllis: [cuts to confessional] Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw, so I googled, "How to deal with difficult people." And I got all of this.
[she holds up a few sheets of paper with information]
Phyllis: So we're gonna try out some new things today.
Phyllis: [it cuts back to the office] So, how do you feel about the fact that the banner says "Lunch"?
Angela: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.
Phyllis: [Phyllis looks down at the sheets of paper] I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be awful.
Angela: It is awful. You've made this day awful.
Kevin: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
Angela: Then it would say "Lanch Party," Kevin. Would it really be better if it said "Lanch Party"?

Michael: [deleted scene, wandering around the room during his diversity exercise] I want you to push it. I want you to push 'cause breakthroughs are right around the corner. Something's going to pop here. Something's going to pop between a party. Feel what it's like to be in someone else's skin. What does it feel like to be a different race? It feels pretty bad, doesn't it? So let that come out.

Kevin: If anyone gives you 10,000 to one on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.

- See you!
- Thanks.
- We did it. Yes!
- We got it! I mean, we got it! We nailed it! Nailed it! Come here. Yes!
- I am really thrilled.

- If I may, he was just telling a joke before, so can we move on to another question?
- Oh, are you sure? Yes.
- Can you go back to where this digression began?
- Mr. Schneider, "and you were directly under her the entire time?"
- Mr. Scott,
- "that's what she said."
- Well, delivery's all wrong.
- She's butchering it.

Michael: [sees office in disarray] Oh my god, what happened?
Jim: We were robbed last night.
Dwight: Bravo, Watson. Looks like a classic seven-man job. Okay, security tapes were stolen. Motives: financial, or possibly vintage HP computer collectors. Hank down at security had clocked out... and that's all we have.

Pam: Tell them what happened last year.
Jim: I had this huge spider in my baseball mitt.
Pam: No, no, that guy who hit on me.
Jim: Oh, right. Some drunk guy hit on Pam last year. Said he was grabbing her for balance.
Pam: [Pointing to her breasts] Yeah, you don't grab *these* for balance.
Jim: [considering] Well...

- And that fevered night, she rushed to the nursery, and threw open the door.
- "Baby, are you okay?"
- Baby sat up slowly, turned to mother and said,
- "I'm fine, bitch. I'm fine."

Pam: Do you think Kevin cares what other people think about him? Or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh! These are my role models now.

Michael: Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone for any reason ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you've been... ever, for any reason whatsoever...

- Dwight?
- Pam? Hey, I'm up here.
- Up the ladder, come on.

- is gonna smooth all this over, I'm for it.
- Okay, fine, cash it is.
- Erin just texted me back.
- "People love shells from faraway beaches."
- Okay, Dwight. All right, Dwight.
- Here we go! Here we go! Oh, god!

Phyllis: You're bad at this, too!
- Don't answer that call!
- Just transfer the damn call.
- Your call is very important to us.
- Okay, way to go.
- My maid died.

Michael: You know what they say? "Fool me once, strike one. But fool me twice... strike three."

Jim: [Imitating Kevin] Michael, can I have an advance on my paycheck? Because a Mrs. Field Cookies just opened up at the mall.

Danny: Excuse me, everybody. I want to invite you all to the Halloween party I'm having at my bar.
Kevin: You own a bar?
Danny: Public School, at exit 11.
Oscar: [condescendingly] That's a great... name. You're hilarious. A+...

- Well, he's helping eradicate them as well.
- I mean, I think they've really become a pest.
- Annoying. Yes.
- I don't think he's in the ceiling, babe.
- Well, I don't think any of us really know.
- All right.

- This is great for me and for Drake. Thank you.
- I don't know, Ryan. Baby
- Drake didn't look so good.
- He'll be fine. I let him suck on a strawberry.
- He's allergic, but he'll get over it fast.
- I had to talk to you.
- You gave your baby an allergic reaction just to talk to me?

- Your dentist's name is crentist?
- Yeah.
- Sounds a lot like dentist.
- Maybe that's why he became a dentist.
- Let me see your teeth.
- Let me see them.
- Let me see them.

- What?
- Oh, my god, you heard that? I'm so embarrassed.
- I'm so, like, rusty. It's good, you're really coming along.
- It's really technically proficient, but, you know, there's really no heart or soul in it.
- Really?

Michael: I am dead inside.

- If he is your son that's a great plan.
- But he's not. He's not your son.
- Very well.
- Can I go back to my desk now?
- Yes.

- You can be assistant to the team manager.
- Assistant team manager?
- Okay, we'll see who's working this weekend then.
- Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.
- Oh, my god.
- Threat neutralized.

Narrator: Well, Michael Scarn was back in the game. And I bet you're wondering why do I know so much about Michael Scarn.
[Michael Scarn reveals himself as the narrator]
Narrator: Well, because I AM Michael Scarn.

- Excuse me, everyone!
- Attention in the office, please.
- Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers and he needs absolute silence.
- Go ahead.
- Okay, I'll try.

Michael: Let's face it. Most guys are from the Dark Ages. They're cavemen. And they like a woman to be showing her cleavage and to be wearing eight-inch heels. And to be wearing see-through underpants. But for me, a woman looks best when she is just absolutely naked.

- Tonight?
- Wonder where my evitation is.
- Click on guest list.
- Angela, Stanley,
- Oscar, Meredith,
- Phyllis, Kevin, creed.
- Must be...

- No way. It's the kgb.
Jim: Ding dong.
- I'm not answering that.
- Yes, you're going to.
- You answer it!
- I'm not going to answer it.
Jim: Ding dong. I'm not going to answer it. It's the kgb.
- The kgb will wait for no one!
- It's true.

Dwight: [after Michael's meeting with Grotti] Did he threten you?
Michael: No Dwight. Not everything is a threat.
Andy: Mobsters are!
Michael: There's no such thing as monsters.

- That is so mom. That stuff can come back and get you.
- It's called Karma. You do not want to be messing...
- All right, but thank you, officer.
- I've got an uncle...
- Erin, please hold all my other calls.
- Where were we?

Michael: Okay. Ryan, you told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?
Creed: [to film crew] I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.

Dwight: [deleted scene] Oh, me? Just one of the gang. Sitting in the back, doodling, not playing attention. Bam! Pow! Surprise! Got you!
[Note pad reads, "Creed -Shifty eyes / Ryan - Dilated pupils / Kelly - Hyperactive"]
Dwight: There's a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy in your midst, and he is taking names.

- Step away from me, Michael.
- Thank you for being so brave with all of this.
- Thank you.
- Alan's cartoon's so funny, right?
- And they're, like, so smart.
- I don't even know what they mean half the time.

Dwight: What's going on in here?
Oscar: Andy bought lunch.
Dwight: Oh, no, really?
Andy: Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness.
Dwight: There is no book; there's only a survival guide.

Deangelo: [deleted scene] If there are any complaints, you can direct them to the garbage. Specifically, my garbage.

Michael: [Michael's last line] Oh, this is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest... that's what she said.

Jake: Even I have a girlfriend. Okay. All right. Okay.
- So, you didn't get to be what you wanted to be?
- I guess not.
- You know,
- I have a load of work to do.
- So, I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza and I'm gonna go do my work.

Michael: Holly and I can never be just friends. I wrote down a list of bullet points why Holly and I should be together, and I'm going to find the perfect moment today and I'm going to tell her. Number one, "Holly, you and I are soup snakes." And the reason is because in terms of the soup, we like to... That doesn't make any sense. We're soul mates. Holly and I are soul mates.

Darryl: Consider it a wuphf in person.
Andy: You're doing the wrong thing. You're going to lose Michael's investment, you're going to lose ours.
Darryl: You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back! Tell Mike to sell!
Andy: If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell.
Ryan: I'm betting on myself.
Stanley: It's a bad bet.
Michael: Hello.
Ryan: Hey. It's an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they are wrong?
Darryl: It's not that we don't believe in the company, we don't believe in you.
Andy: All in those in favor of selling, say aye.
[the four investors say aye]
Michael: I... do not agree to see, which is to say nay.
Darryl: What is wrong with you? What happened to you in high school?
Stanley: Michael, are you that blind?
Michael: I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high, and he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.
Andy: You're gonna lose all of our money.
Michael: Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money.
Ryan: Oh... Uh, That's a lot of pressure. I'm gonna need some more time.
Michael: You can't have it.
Ryan: Okay. I won't let you down.

Jim: Wait a second, last time I checked, Dunder Mifflin already has a website.
[cut to Jim showing a web page on screen that reads Under Construction followed by a Dundler Mifflin logo, a stick figure of a man wearing a Santa hat drilling a hole and the words "Coming Christmas 2002!"]
Jim: And quite frankly, I'm not really sure what's wrong with it.

- their friends at some point in their lives.
- Well, I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours.
- Hey, Pam, I'm going to the kitchen, you want anything?
- I'm good.
- Oh, hey, I'll take a coffee.
- Oh, I'm sorry. You got to be this cool for coffee.

- It's such a pity.
- Just use the money wisely.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- All right.
- Don't you dare tank this.

Creed: Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not even pregnant.

Jim: Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically? I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.

Pam: Why did I get in the car? I could have struggled. I have a whistle in my purse and I didn't even blow it.

- Hey, Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse?
- There's coffee in the kitchen, Pam.
- But the warehouse coffee tastes so much better.
- Yeah. It's better.
- Okay. Great.
- All right, okay.

Pam: [answering the phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. I'm sorry, he's not in yet. Would you like his voicemail?
Michael: [heard yelling from the street] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, okay! Twelve miles an hour. Eat that, Carl Lewis!

Dwight: Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy. If she eats something the fetus doesn't like, she is screwed. It's amazing. A three-ounce fetus is calling the shots. It's so bad ass.

- Prepare to go into the danger zone.
- Oh, wow, you weren't kidding. No, neven can someone please throw me a fifth ball? If you dare.
- Incoming!
- And we're on.
- Remember, nothing's impossible.

- She'll do.
- Oh, she'll do just fine.
- I am very much looking forward to tomorrow. It is...
[Sighs] It feels like the culmination of a lot of hard work, a lot of good fortune and...
[Laughs] Hey, come on.
- Did that... did that just happen?
- We should write a movie or something. I'm serious.

Michael: Oh, hey, Karate Kid. The Hilary Swank version.

Michael: Occasionally, I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.

Darryl: I've been working out. But the problem is I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage.

Michael: We think a lot a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something, and I will say what you're thinking.
Dwight: Okay, what am I thinking right now?
Michael: Nacho chips.
Dwight: No. I was thinking about how the skin is the largest organ of the body.

Michael: A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students, and then, like, 12 other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us.

- Blue. Blue's not a flavor.
- It says, "flavor: Blue blast."
- Oh, blue blast, yes.
- Put that in the trunk.
- And there should be an unopened arctic chill back there.
- I want that in the passenger's cup holder.
- Thank you.

- It's me.
- It's me.
- I love you. [Laughing]
- I love you, too!
Ryan: We're going to be together forever.
Kelly: We're running off into the sunset!
Ryan: I've finally mastered commitment!

Angela: I miss him.
Pam: Dwight?
Angela: No, John Denver.
Pam: Ok, it's a good talk.
Angela: Wait, I'm sorry. He's gone because of me. I told him why I would be upset if people knew about us, so he didn't have an alibi for Michael. I denied him.
Pam: I still think there is a way you can explain it to Michael, somehow.
Angela: Pam! I am not like you! Walking around in your provocative outfits, saying whatever thought pops in your head.
Pam: Yeah, that's me.
Angela: [annoyed] Thank you, this was helpful.

Erin: The tea in Nepal is very hot.
Kevin: But the coffee in Peru is much hotter.

Creed: It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. But no matter how to get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift of making that place their home.

- You know, the marmalade sounds great.
- I also mentioned the marmalade to my sister, and she's very interested.
- Then the basil will be fine.
- Well, you clearly want the marmalade.
- Gretchen, I need another marmalade.
- All right.

Michael: If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

Charles: Okay, I'm gonna call you Kapoor, okay, and you Hannon.
Kelly: If we're changing names, can I be Erin? It's my middle name.
Charles: Erin? Okay, that's very pretty.
Kelly: Well, you know what my name is? Rajnigandha. And I hate it. I hate it!
[runs out of Charles' office]
Kevin: I thought Rajnigandha was a boy's name.

Jan: Well, Michael, I just... I underestimated you.
Michael: Yeah, well, maybe next time you will estimate me.

Dwight: [to camera crew] Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends, so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez, when did everyone get so cynical?

- the night before the wedding. Oh, yeah.
- She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom.
- Andy, did I dream that you were crying through the night?
- No. No, that was real.
- Why don't you take a picture?
- It'll last longer.
- God! Can I get a little privacy?

Stanley: Boy have you done lost your mind? Cause I'll HELP you find it!

Michael: You'll notice I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just thought, "Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court.

Erin: I was intimidated by Andy's family before, and now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She's gonna be like 'what's your stands on politics?' or 'what is the best war to do?' and I will just be like, duh!

- Scarn didn't know a hockey stick from a slim Jim.
- So, he went to meet with the famed trainer, cherokee Jack.
- Mop the ice.
- I'm not here to learn how to mop.
- I'm here to learn how to play hockey.
- Mop it.

- Why would Dwight do that for you?
- I think I know why.
- Because Dwight loves this company.
- Do you think that anyone else out there would've driven to corporate for you?
- None of them.
- Especially not Andy.
- Oh rockin' Robin well you really gonna rock tonight

Michael: Do you remember Ed Truck?
Creed: Sure. He hired me. How's he doing?
Michael: How would I know?
Creed: I thought you might.
Michael: My biggest fear is turning into him.
Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that.
Michael: I wasn't talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you?

Jim: This scented candle, which I found in the men's bathroom, represents the eternal burning of competition, or something.
Kevin: It smells like cookies.
Jim: Yes, it does. Yes, it does, my friend.

Jim: He's trying to micro-co-manage me... or co-micro... manage... me.

Chili's: We have a strict policy here not to over-serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off of other people's tables. I Xeroxed her driver's license, and she is not welcome at this restaurant chain ever again.

Michael: Why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?

[Deleted scene. Jordan walks up to Jim's desk with a clipboard]
Jordan: Hey, Jim.
Jim: Hey.
Jordan: What are you doing?
Jim: Just trying to process this invoice by 3:00. What are you doing?
Jordan: I am making a list for Dwight on what everyone's secretly up to.
Jim: No, you're not. 'Cause I'm doing that.
[Jim takes the clipboard]
Jordan: Don't you have a deadline?
Jim: Well, it's not all about deadlines, Jordan.
[Jim begins writing down made-up things for Dwight's list]
Jim: Does "gorilla" have two "R's"?
Jordan: The animal or the soldiers?
Jim: Both, actually.

- to her therapist and they discuss it.
- Michael, you need to get out of this.
- No. She's just fooling around.
- It's a woman thing.
- No. Normal women don't do stuff like that.
- This is bad.

Michael: [comparing the warehouses's safety training to theirs] They used props, they used visual aids and they just made us look like dopes.
Dwight: Idiots! God, what are we going to *do*?
Michael: I don't know. I don't know. Because you know what our killer is?
Michael: [simultaneously] Depression.
Dwight: [simultaneously] Wolves.
Michael: [pause] Depression.
Dwight: Visual aids?
Michael: Yes.
Dwight: A quilt. A depression quilt?

Jim: [referring to Dwight's Volunteer Sheriff's uniform] You look cute today, Dwight.
Dwight: Thanks, girl.

- Can't do what?
- This, man. I can't do this to Pam.
- No, no. Jim, this is different.
- This is everything.
- I know.
- And I can't do it.

- assistant regional manager stuff here, and I feel like
- I'm doing all the heavy lifting.
- I'm coming up with all the ideas here.
- I'm going for a walk.
- Okay.
Pam: Good, good, and...

Angela: Sparkling cider is very good.
Pam: I think that's champagne.
[Angela spits champagne back into her glass]
Michael: Hello, ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
Ben: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon, fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
Michael: Half pants, right, Mr. Franklin?
Ben: Knickers in fact, yes!
Michael: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
Ben: Well, actually, I never was president.
Michael: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.
Ben: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.
Michael: And when they came over on the Mayflower.
[imitates porn music]
Meredith: Wait, this is the entertainment?
Michael: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and, Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave, I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one.
[Points to Phyllis]

Toby: Hey Darryl, look, uh... We're here to apologize.
Darryl: Then we're cool.
Dwight: [notices the warehouse employees behind him] Wait! They're using the lift as their own personal elevator.
Toby: What?
Dwight: He broke his ankle climbing over the railing, then he lied about it because it was a misuse of company equipment. Case. Closed.
Darryl: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Dwight: Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Hmm?
[to Toby]
Dwight: Let's just check the security tapes, Toby.
Toby: Well, you know, I don't think there's any reason to check 'em, but I suppose if you want to be really certain...
Darryl: Alright, yeah. Fine, so whatever.
Dwight: YES!
Toby: You really did it.
Dwight: Now, I would like to file an official complaint to corporate because Darryl lied on an official form.
Darryl: [rises to his feet] Then I'm telling 'em you guys sexually harassed my sister.
Dwight: [snorts] No judge is gonna believe that.
[Upon hearing this, Gwyneth also stands up next to Darryl and joins the tense stare-down. Dwight doesn't back down, but his eyes shift edgily between Darryl and Gwyneth]
Toby: [nervously] Okay... Look, we could all file complaints against each other and just drown in a sea of paperwork, but, you know, we'll just move on with our -- with our lives.
[Still engrossed in their confrontation, Dwight and Darryl ignore him]
Toby: [later, in the annex] So Dwight and Darryl came to an agreement that they would both file complaints against corporate, and now I get to do all this paperwork.
[pause]
Toby: We worked it out.

- He says it's cool.
- He said it's cool!
- That's all he wrote?
- That's all he wrote.
- Can I see it? Mmm-hmm.
- Didn't you two date for, like, a long time?
- Mmm-hmm.
- This is like a fairytale.

Sandra: Hey, Goldenface. Can I ask you a question? I mean, since we're all gonna die here anyway, why is your face gold?
Goldenface: Why do you care?
Sandra: I'm just making conversation.
Goldenface: I worked in a gold factory. We had a boss who only cared about money. He didn't give us lunch breaks, so we had to eat the gold. And then, one day, I looked in the mirror and I guess you are what you eat.

Angela: Those aren't chips and dip.
Pam: No, I made brownies.
[sighs]
Pam: What?
Angela: I'm just trying to figure out why you're sabotaging things.
Pam: [bewildered] I made brownies.
Angela: And I made cookies. Same category.

- He's saying hi louder.
- All right, listen, we're still good for this weekend, right?
- No tee ball games, recitals, karate tournaments.
- Hey, can you go to im? Okay.
- Okay.
- What are you writing about me?

- You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop?
- It stopped.
- Well, I am starting it again!
- Do you guys want some food?
- The wings are really good here.

- Just lay them on a chair.
- I'll take it from here.
- So, what you up to this weekend?
- Hanging out with some friends, probably.
- Well, if you do anything crazy, give me a shout.
- Yeah. All right,
- I will see you Monday.
- All right.

[Michael sees everyone getting up to leave]
Michael: Oh, my God! Okay, it's happening! Everybody stay calm.
Dwight: What's the procedure, everyone? What's the procedure?
Michael: STAY
[bleep]
Michael: CALM!

- No problem.
- It's sold out.
- Yeah. Sorry about that.
- That's a bummer.
- They're sold out. Damn.
- I'll try brookstone.
- I miss that.

[in the sitting area, writing down the numbers of women to set Michael up with]
Stanley: There's nobody I hate enough to write her name on this card.
Phyllis: Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway. He can just deal with it.
Pam: Who are you putting down?
Jim: Oh, you don't know her.
Pam: Who is it?
Jim: Your mom.
Pam: Yeah, whatever.
[Jim smiles and shows her the card]
Pam: Give that to me! Give that to me.

Meredith: Hey, Boom guy.
Brian: Oh, hey Meredith.
Meredith: When are you gonna boom me?

Angela: In the Martin family, we like to say, "Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly." That's code for "Check out the slut."

- Has she been fussing long?
- No. Not at all. Perfect.
- I was out like alight. Hey!
- She's not hungry.

- My kid didn't have a face tattoo.
- I was still thinking of going back to school.
- And I was still just a paper salesman.
- This has been fun, Pam.
- Thanks for calling us all down here.
- All: Kill the balloon!
- Kill the balloon!
- Kill the balloon!
- Kill the balloon!

Jim: [hearing monster sounds coming out of Michael's office from his computer] It's Monster dot com. Singular.
Michael: Thank you!

- Pencil. Give me a pencil.
- Hang on, Teddy.
- I'm making a sale.
- Mmm-hmm. Sales.
- Mmm-hmm.
- There's other pencils in this office.
- Give me...

Dwight: Oh, and Andy lost his masculinity, so congratulations on that.
Nellie: What do you mean?
Dwight: Erin made it clear to me that he was unable to perform sexually last night. By contrast, I went to sleep with an erection so large it was like I was wearing no blanket at all. Wow, I knew you'd win, but you just demolished him. I'm a little bit jelaous, actually. Reduced him to a mere ant.

Meredith: Hey, new Jim, come sit on my face.

[Jim exits his car and runs to meet Pam under the overhang]
Pam: Hey, this is not halfway. I did the math. I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch.
[Jim drops to one knee]
Pam: What are you doing?
Jim: [holding out a jewelry box] I just can't wait.
Pam: Oh, my God.
Jim: Pam, will you marry me?
Pam: [laughing incredulously] Oh, my God!
Jim: So?
Pam: [nods happily] Yes!

Michael: [watching Oscar get into a man's car in the parking lot] Oh, there's Gil, Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows.

Pam: I saw you were getting along with Ryan again.
Kelly: He's so sweet. He pointed to my latte and he said, "Kelly, that will be the color of our children."

- Oh, by the way...
- Yeah?
- How's your wife doing?
- Congratulations.
- Hey, you came in second.
- Not bad either, champ.
- I am so sorry I have to do this.

Creed: No one steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name, Creed Bratton.

Oscar: [Speaking to the camera] Robert seems great. He's very handsome. Firm handshake. He's gay. Good sense of humor.

Michael: As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming towards my face, I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover car and a hover house. And my wife is a runner, and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends, and our kids play together. And I'm happy. And I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me.

Jim: I worked in Scranton for a really long time and... It's gonna be weird that it's all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.

Michael: Is that what we're going for now, just OK? We used to go for pretty good.

- and I'm just gonna come out and say it.
- I just got off the phone with my doctor, and turns out I contracted chlamydia from Erin.
- And it's incurable.
- Pretty lame, huh?
- Yeah.

Jan: All right, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer. You emailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company. Let's call it even.
Michael: Fine. I love you.
Jan: I love you too.

Erin: Ah! Angela had the baby!

Phyllis: I can't be around sad people, it just makes me sad.
Stanley: I'm the same around horny people.

- Every new beginning...
- I never heard that song before and once I heard it, I did not care for it.
- But that song means it's time to go home.
- Now, it's my favorite song.
- Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end good night!

- I know this was really weird and it was really hard.
- But I think we're making progress.
- So, I'm really sorry that I have to go, but let's keep at this.
- Okay. Okay?

David: When I got canned, I was lost. I poured myself into this ridiculous vacuum for toys called Suck It.
Andy: Yikes.
Andy: Exactly, right? Suddenly out of nowhere, the US military bought the patent from me for $20 million.

Pam: I have terrible news. Someone defaced my mural. They painted all over it!
Erin: I thought that's what you were doing?
Pam: Yeah, but this is different.
Erin: Oh. They used worse paint than your paint?
Pam: I don't think so. But they put paint where I didn't want paint. So...
Erin: I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing.
Pam: Different colored paint. I wanted different colored paint in the spots where they put their paint. So, it just is... Okay, the point is, these warehouse guys are vandals, and they need to be stopped.

Kelly: [deleted scene] Oh, sure, I can definitely help you with that. Okay? Please hold.
Dwight: Kelly Kapoor. Say your prayers. Let's go. Conference room, pronto. Come on, step it up.

Michael: Guys! Beef, it's what's for dinner. Who wants some man meat?
Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.

[Beeping] Oh!
- G-44.
- It's not ready, Kevin!
- I am at a crucial point where I have sunk four hours into that copier.
- And I am not gonna let it beat me like that wireless router did.

Kevin: [Kevin's voice in a video of Cookie Monster] Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I'm sitting on them.
[all laugh]
Andy: This is awesome!
Oscar: Thank you. It didn't even take that long.
Kevin: [Cookie Monster with Kevin's voice] What's the difference between a chimichanga,
[Kevin arrives behind the group]
Kevin: a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.
[Kevin speaking]
Kevin: This isn't funny. I don't talk like that.
[all continue laughing]
Phyllis: Say "Me eat cookie."
Kevin: No. I won't say it.
Dwight: Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique.
Ryan: It's Kevin as Cookie Monster from Sesame Street.
Dwight: [gets up and starts to walk to Oscar's desk] Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?
Phyllis: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: I love that show.
Kevin: [Cookie Monster with Kevin's voice] This is Kevin. This is Kevin.
Ryan: Good work, buddy.
Oscar: Thank you.
Dwight: That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please.
Oscar: Yes.
Kelly: Me, too Oscar.
Ryan: C.C. me.
Kevin: Angela, this is inappropriate.
Angela: This is my favorite day.

Andy: My parents used to scramble to find babysitters, so they could take my little brother to do stuff.

Michael: I guess the atmosphere that I've tried to create here is that I'm a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third.

Michael: [in confessional] Well, I am taking responsibility, and it is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car.

Kelly: [on the phone] Dunder Mifflin Customer Service, this is Kelly... Oh yeah, I can totally help you with that! Okay, let me just get the folder out... Okay, it seems here that you ordered twelve thousand reams of paper. Oh, *twelve* reams...

Pam: [trying to make Dwight think that it's Friday] Oh, my God, did you watch "The Apprentice" last night?
Jim: Of course. It's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it?
Pam: Can you believe who Trump fired?
Jim: No, that was unbelievable.
Dwight: Who? Who was it? Who did he fire?
Pam: You didn't see it?
Dwight: No. I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night. Crap! Never go out on a Thursday night. What the hell was I thinking?
[Jim nods with satisfaction toward camera]

- You wouldn't hesitate to save a family member from a burning building, but what if the earth was your building and all the people on it were your family?
- What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hair brush?
Michael: Shh! Thank you.
- Or should I say, gracias.

- The thing I like most about recyclops is that he's creating a different world for our child.
- Hmm.
- A world where you truly can be anything you want.
Jim: God bless you, recyclops, and your cold robot heart.

Michael: Why is my office black?
Dwight: To intimidate my subordinates.
Michael: That's stupid.

Ryan: Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth, please.

- Don't worry about it. Dwight, it's okay. You were wrong.
- It's so hot.
- Well, "a" for effort, right?

Jim: All right, now, I'm going to warn you, don't freak out.
Katy: Why?
Jim: This is a really nice car. In case you haven't notice, this is a Corolla.

[Employees at the Stamford branch are playing a "Call of Duty"]
Josh: This is not working, okay? We are getting slaughtered out there.
Andy: It's the new guy.
Jim: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know what we're talking about.
Andy: See what I mean?
Josh: We just need a strategy, okay? We're gonna set up a trap in the gunroom. All right? Jim, are you using the MP40 or .44?
Jim: Sniper rifle?
[Andy and Josh gets upset]
Josh: [shouting] Snipe...
Andy: [shouting] What? Are you playing for the other team?
Josh: [shouting] Jim! In Carentan? You don't snipe in Carentan, okay?
Andy: [shouting] It's saboteur! Saboteur!
Josh: Andy, it's not...
Andy: I'm gonna kill you for real. This game, the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you.

Pam: [singing the shibuya role call song] My name is Pam, I like to paint, you think you're better, oh no you ain't!
Kevin: [singing] My name is Kevin, that is my name, they call me Kevin, cuz that's my name

Meredith: Suck it, Oscar.

Ryan: You have two young dynamic people in this office who know trends, who know youth. That's myself and Kelly Kapoor. You need one of us there.
Andy: Or both?
Ryan: Not both. Just one... me. Or if not me, Kelly.

- And I'm treating Ryan the same way. Of course. Yeah.
Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace.
- They're always complaining.
- I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry.
- Do you think my nipples don't get sore, too?
- Do you think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Toby: I need to talk to you in your office, it'll just take two seconds.
Michael: Literally two seconds?

Angela: Look, I hate to be "that" person, but I just don't like the general spirit of music.

Dwight: Operation Phoenix is a go.

- Where are the turtles?
- Where are they?
- Excuse me, I have an announcement to make.
- We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with pecans and we will not be leaving the premises until we obtain them.
- Hand over the turtles now!
- I ate them, okay? I ate the turtles. They're gone.

- I like cheesy.
- Me, too.
- You know, I think maybe
- I want a wedding wedding.
- Me, too.
- Really? Yeah.
- Would you like to dance?

- Right.
- Do you even know how paper is made?
- It's not like steel.
- You don't put it into a furnace!
- If you put paper into a furnace, you know what would happen?
- You'd ruin it!

- I'm getting out of town.
- Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities.
- It feels good.
- You may ask me out to dinner.
- Nothing fancy or foreign. No bars, no patios, no vegetables and no seafood.
- Dwight?

Michael: [in regards to Oscar being gay] I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste. You call your friends retards when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.

Creed: Hey, coz. Heard you're having money problems.
Michael: No, you didn't.
Creed: Listen, I got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.
Creed: [in confessional] Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to
[holds up a fake passport]
Creed: William Charles Schneider.
Michael: How would that help, Creed? In Monopoly, you go bankrupt, you lose.
Creed: You don't go by Monopoly, man. That game is *nuts*. Nobody just pick up Get Out of Jail Free cards. Those things cost thousands.
Michael: That is a good point.
Creed: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start. It's a clean slate.
Michael: Like the Witness Protection Program.
Creed: [simultaneously] Exactly.
Oscar: [simultaneously] Not at all.

Michael: I have a very difficult decision to make. It's like last week I was at the video store. Do I watch "Devil Wears Prada" again or do I finally get around to seeing "Sophie's Choice"? It is what you would call a classic difficult decision.

Creed: [deleted scene] Florida is 13th in education, 13th in tourism, 13th in cleanliness. It is the worst state in the union.

Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
Michael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you, you skeevy little perv?
Toby: All right. If you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.
Michael: No, no. No, I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on Earth. Got enough, weirdo?

Dwight: [talking to the baby] Oh, yes. Oh, what a beautiful child. Prominent forehead, short arms, tiny nose. You will lead millions... willingly or as slaves.

- We need a new copier, we need new chairs, and I need to figure out a way to keep this money without having everybody hate me.
- Hey, tuna, check it out.
- Tuna sandwich.
- Just like you.
- What?

Oscar: I consider myself a good person, but I'm gonna try to make him cry.

- Could you guys give us a minute?
- But stay close.
- You're all doing great.
- Maybe grab a coffee, or if there's any donuts out, you can split one.
- You know, they're for everybody, so people get fussy.
- You know what?
- Just have a donut.

- I mean, I know that it's
- Valentine's day or whatever.
- But there's totally no pressure at all of any kind whatsoever. So...
- I can't tonight.
- I have plans with my friends.
- Okay, that's cool. Okay.
- I completely understand. Cool.
- Okay.

Kelly: Ryan used me as an object.

Nellie: Bloody loam I came from. I hit rock bottom when I auditioned for the Spice Girls and I didn't even get a callback.
Jim: Which... . Spice Girl?
Nellie: The black one.

[Playing] For everything you've done you know I'm bound okay.
- I'm bound to thank you for it...
- Good night and good luck.

Andy: [singing] Closing time,
Jim: [On phone] ... W R K.
Andy: [singing] One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey and beer.
Jim: Uh no, it's W R K, as in kitten. Oh my boss is singing Closing Time. Maybe that's what you are hearing.
Andy: Come on pam!
Andy: [singing, Pam mumbling lyrics] Closing time, time for you to go home to the places you will be from.

- What's so funny?
- When I say it out loud, it's so silly.
- Hey, hey, Angela, no.
- No cleaning up.
- You are forcing me to be down here.
- Am I not allowed to have some fun?
- No cleaning up.

Michael: Really? A baby otter? Okay, um, count me in as who cares. It's not even that interesting a baby otter. It can't even stand up.
[looks toward computer]
Michael: It's trying to stand up...
[choking up]
Michael: there it goes.

Kevin: I just wanna lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.

- Doctor is in!
- Now what?
- Deangelo? [Mumbles indistinctly]
- Oh, my god, are you all right?
- Erin, will you call 911, please?
Erin: Okay.
- Erin. Who should
- I say is calling?

- Dozens of online IQ tests might prove you wrong, but...
- And my thing isn't tiny, it's average, so get your facts straight.
- So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought...
- Sorry. I think I have a frog in my throat.
- I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people.
- First up, Phyllis and Kevin.

Michael: Oscar, you are...
- Oscar, you're gay.
- Wow.
- Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck and you're gayer than Oscar.
- Boom. Roasted.
Kevin: Boom. Roasted.

Jim: Your not getting an interview, Dwight. The whole point of the search committee process is to prevent hiring someone like you ever again.

Mrs. California: All right, well, it's really nice to meet you, Bryan.
Ryan: Uh, it's actually Ryan.
Mrs. California: Oh, Ryan.
Ryan: [in the "confessional"] Bitch...

Dwight: [talking quietly to Angela with Ryan nearby, using code to hide their affair] What about that meeting later to discuss finances?
Angela: Yes. But don't expect any cookie.
Dwight: [slowly whispering] But what if I'm hungry?
Angela: No cookie.

Michael: My point is... A penis, when seen in the right context, is the most wonderful sight for a woman. But in the wrong context, it is like a monster movie.
Dwight: "Alien."
[makes monster noise]

- Man: Well, we're more following you guys, to see how you turn out.
- Oh! Yeah, I guess we were kind of dramatic in the beginning.
- Well.
- I don't think anything's going to change in our lives now.
- With work and two kids,
- I guess nothing interesting is going to happen to us for a long, long time.

- You okay, Robert?
Robert: I'm fine.
- Put some ice on it.
- In any case, it gets better.
- Maybe not much better, but better.
Kevin: It hurts.

Michael: She won't say "I love you."
Andy: How many dates have you been on?
Michael: Nine dates. I said it on the second date.
Oscar: That seems... Quick. Even for lesbians.

Michael: I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I've only seen "Antz." But I'll tell you something, what I respect about that man is that when he was going through all of that stuff that came out in the press, about how "Antz" was just a ripoff of "A Bug's Life," he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw, which, again, was "Antz." Thing is, I thought "A Bug's Life" was better, much better than "Antz." Point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.

Ryan: [talking about Michael hitting Meredith with his car] Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so double jeopardy. We are fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is "We're fine"?

Phyllis: I'm sorry. Do you have any American Mexican food?

Michael: No, I'm not going to tell them about the downsizing. As a doctor, you wouldn't tell a patient that they had cancer.

Jo: You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, 'cause gravy ain't sweet.

Isabel: Whack!

Pam: Okay, Michael, you know what? I might have someone for you.
Michael: Oh, really? What's her name, Burger King?

- Whoa!
- We recently struck up a romantic relationship, and...
- But we're kind of keeping it quiet for now,
- 'cause it's still kind of a new thing, it's a little delicate, andinejustdont want all the drama. Exactly.
- Yeah, 'cause when everyone knows, it... [Knock on window]

- We're going to need to see a copy of that entire journal before we proceed.
- I don't think anyone in this room has a right to read my diary.
- It's basic discovery. We have the right to review it.
- Okay, let's make 10 copies of this diary.
- Could you make it 11?
- Eleven. Sure. And we'll break for lunch, so everyone can have a look.

- Wow. That was... wow.
- Okay! Listen up, everybody!
- You guys said that prison was better than this place.
- And I heard you loud and clear.
- So, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison.
- We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go!

Jim: Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.

[after extensively discussing Oscar's homosexuality]
Michael: ...At least we put this matter to bed. That's what she said.
[pauses, nods contemplatively]
Michael: Or he said.

Michael: [deleted scene] What's that?
Pam: Wired.
Michael: Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning.
Pam: Oh, yeah.
Michael: Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating?
Pam: Smoked turkey.
Michael: Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later.

Michael: So, why did you and Karen break up? Was it the sex?
Jim: What?
Michael: I can't imagine the sex being bad. I mean, her body is awesome.
Jim: Okay, you know what? Why don't we play that alphabet game you were talking about?

Samuel L. Chang: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Where is the bomb?
Goldenface: Hmm?
Samuel L. Chang: We've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Where is the bomb?
Goldenface: Hmm?
Samuel L. Chang: We've searched the... Okay.
Michael: He said we've searched the whole building, Goldenface. Now, where is the bomb?
Goldenface: So you searched the whole stadium, hmm? Well, you didn't think to look in the puck!
[he throws the puck to Scarn]
Michael: The bomb is in the puck? Well, then, why are you telling me this?
Goldenface: Because I'm going to kill you. Unless you make a deal. I'll release these hostages and defuse that bomb. All you have to do... is forgive me for murdering your wife.

Kelly: [after pulling her car up] Get in, quick!
Michael: Why quick?
Kelly: So it's faster!

Dwight: And if we have to defend ourselves, I will stab the security guard in the eye with a jumbo chalk.
Jim: No. No, you won't do that. Nope.
Dwight: Then I'll grind up the jumbo chalk and blow it in his eyes.
Jim: Dwight, nothing with the eyes. Please?

Phyllis: What should I have? Corn dogs? I mean...
Pam: I'm going into labor.

Michael: Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake.

Michael: How did we do it?
Dwight: I don't know. I have no idea.

- And now, the wedding has no highlight.
- I can't believe I pushed that guy's lazy ass around all day until he was ready to stand up and steal the show.
- Thafs_.
- Well, I've got news for you, elbert, if that's your real name, the show's not over.

- But I don't wanna go to Dee Jay's.
- Oh, now all of a sudden you get picky?
- Okay. Forget it.
- Hooters.
- $400 for the cpu.
- Done.

Kevin: I have very little patience for stupidity.

Deangelo: Let's go downstairs, okay? Let's do it.
Dwight: Pass. If I wanted to see a pissing contest, I'd lock Mose in the chicken coop.
Deangelo: Damn it, Dwight! Enough! Get your ass downstairs or find a new place to sell paper!
Dwight: Okay. A little about me... I respond to strong leadership.

Assassin: I got a delivery for you.
Michael: Leave it at the reception.
Assassin: I'm supposed to deliver this one in person.
[he reveals a gun, trying to shoot at Scarn repeatedly until the bullets ran out. Scarn shows off two guns and kills the assassin]
Michael: Clean up on aisle 5.

- Oh, that is...
- You all right, Jim? Suck it up.
- He's afraid of you now.
- Ouch!
- Oh, how much does it hurt?
- How much does it hurt?

Dwight: Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way. No, I do not.

- a work environment excellent?
- Well, there are many things,
- I believe, that do such a thing of that nature.
- And one would be humor.
- What is the difference between a salesman and a saleswoman?

Angela: I once reported Oscar to the I.N.S. Turns out, he's clean, but I'm glad I did it.

- with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife.
- Right, 'cause that's what we're talking about.
- I need you to go over these client lists and indicate any wrong or false data.
- Your "I need you to" is my command.
- Okay.

Michael: Eleven years that I could've been working on "The Scarn Nebulous."

Deangelo: Get your senoritis on, it's Lake Havasu time.

Michael: And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesly. I think we all know what award Pam is gonna be getting this year. It is the Whitest Sneakers Award, because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on. Get on down here! Pam Beesly, ladies and gentlemen! Oh, here we go.
Pam: [very drunk] I have so many people to thank for this award. Okay, first off, my Keds, because I couldn't have done it without them. Thank you. Let's give Michael a round of applause for emceeing tonight, because this is a lot harder than it looks.
[applause]
Pam: And also because of Dwight, too.
[silence]
Pam: So, finally, I wanna thank God, because God gave me this Dundie and I feel God in this Chili's tonight.
[pauses]
Pam: [Pam whoops loudly]

Meredith: I've had two men fight over me before. Usually, it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder.

Jim: I just proved that he gives his cell out to everybody.
Pam: Or you just proved that he thinks you're gay.
Oscar: He doesn't think Jim is gay. A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes.

Kelly: What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy and then we all kill him, but first we take out, like, a $100,000 life insurance policy? I bet you guys like that idea, don't you?
Kelly: [in talking head interview] I think that's what they're doing to me. I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces when I said it. I learned nothing.
Michael: ...I don't know what the f*** that was.

Girl: I found the needle in the haystack!
Dwight: Hey, congratulations. You know what your prize is?
Girl: I don't know.
Dwight: Nothing. Life lesson - some tasks are not worth doing.

Stanley: [the office workers find the gate has been locked] Did you not tell the security guard we were working late?
Jim: Nope. I didn't. But let's go inside and I can call him right now.
Pam: We can't. I locked the office from the inside when we left.
Stanley: Perfect. You guys worked together on this one. If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in one hour, you're both dead.

Jo: I came up here with a big problem, and I got a branch manager who's givin' me the silent treatment. Speak to me. Speak.
[Jo's dog barks]

Angela: [Commenting on her new cat] ... Needless to say, she is very very expensive.
Meredith: How much?
Angela: Seven thousand dollars.
Creed: For a cat? I can get you a kid for that.

- Toby, how did we do?
Toby: Well, that was better.
[All cheering] We did it! Yes!

- Come on. Andy, no.
- God, Toby, don't...
- Stop blocking my hand.
- No, no.
- This is your...
- You brought this on.
- No, no. Andy.
- Okay, all right. Groped you good. Off to Hollywood!

- Thank you, Michael.
- I'm gonna nab it one of these nights.
- Well, if you concentrate and make your calls faster, yeah.
- Good night. Good night.
- Michael. Mmm.
- Morning. Hi.

Michael: Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did.

Dwight: [on phone with Jim] I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo, because it's time for another episode of Handsome and Stinky: Paper Brothers for Hire.
Jim: Sorry, Stinky, can't do it. Too busy.
Dwight: Oh, God, this again? You're Stinky.
Jim: Okay, there's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis. She can be your older sister or something.
Dwight: Phyllis, my sister? More like my dead great-great-grandmother who died of stupidity.
Phyllis: I have ears, Dwight.
Dwight: Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears.
[back to Jim]
Dwight: See what you leave me with here, Jim?
Jim: Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.
Dwight: How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here. You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
Jim: Huh. How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour?
Dwight: Hmm. That's a good... question. 300 times...
[Jim hangs up]
Dwight: 180... Um that comes to 25 minutes.
[realizes Jim hung up]
Dwight: Yes. Oh, well, thank you, Jim. Yes, I am better than you. Thanks for acknowledging that. Okay, bye bye. Love you.

Andy: Please make sure no one is humping me.

Michael: Pizza. Great equalizer. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza. Do black people like pizza?

Angela: [after the burglary] I've never felt safe here.
Andy: You're always safe with me, I'm a very good screamer.

Michael: I think that fate put this catalogue in my hands.
Pam: Actually, I put the catalogue into your hands, 'cause you have to pick out a new chair.

Darryl: Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week. I figure I'll start slow.
Dwight: Is that the same philosophy you apply to Buffalo wings?

- Hey, my name's Tabitha. I'm camped out in front of the sabre store so I can be first in line for the new pyramid.
- Psst!
- It's me, Erin. Dwight had me pretend to be a hipster to create hype and it's working.
- There's already people camped out behind me.

Michael: Ho ho ho! Why pay more to sit next to old Tranny Clause over there, when you can sit on my lap? Phyllis is only pretending to be a man. I'm the real thing!. Sit down on my lap and there will be no doubt.

Michael: And welcome to Crime Aid. "Crime reduces innocence, makes everyone angry, I declare."

- So I kind of play that close to the chest.
- I don't know, what can I say?
- Women are attracted to power.
- And I think...
- Other people have told me I have a very symmetrical face.
- I don't know. I don't know.
- Maybe they're right.
- I don't know.

Angela: [Dunder Mifflin party planning committee meets in conference room to discuss holiday party festivities for the office] Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch.
Phyllis: I thought you said green was whorish.
Angela: No. Orange is whorish.
[Camera pulls back to show Phyllis wearing an orange blouse]
Karen: So, I had a couple ideas to make the Stamford branch feel more at home. Each year, we have a Christmas raffle...
Angela: It would never work here.
Karen: Okay. Um, another idea was karaoke.
Angela: No.
Karen: A Christmas drinking game?
Meredith: Yes!
Angela: God help you.
Karen: What?
Angela: These are all terrible ideas. And none of them are on the theme of a Nutcracker Christmas. I think you should leave.
Karen: [laughs nervously, unsure what to do] You're kidding.
Angela: You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you. It's time to go. Come on. Please? Thank you.
[Karen looks to Pam for help, but Pam awkardly looks down at some papers, leaving Karen to fend for herself. Angela rises and shows Karen to the door. Karen leaves the meeting]

Kevin: I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he'll try to beat you up.
Jim: Thanks for the heads-up, Kev.
Kevin: I got your back, if he does. But try to stay out of it.

- Mom, dad can't seem to focus on the subject.
- Don't you worry about him.
- He's got me.
- Well, who do you have?
- I have your father. He's right here. I'll put him on.
- No, mom.
- Oh! Which one's decaf?

Kevin: I think I blew it. It all happened so fast.
Kevin: [slowly] So fast.

Phyllis: Jim, just go.
- Hey, we'll be just fine.
- Thanks, guys.
- All right, here we go. Let's go.
Andy: Oh! [Sighing]
- Phew!

Stanley: Did I stutter?

- All right, hey, Dwight...
- Whoa!
Dwight: Hike.
Michael: You all right, Ryan?
- Ryan?
- Yeah.
- Pam!

- Let's see if my favorite tea is in...
- Whoa! Jeez.

Eric: I learned that a ream of paper is 300 sheets.
Megan: I thought it was 500.
Eric: Oh, I guess I didn't learn anything.

Michael: Well, that's not gonna fly here, because in this office, it is till death do us part. Assuming that we don't get downsized.

Toby: I don't really play cards, but I'm not going to lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael. Gonna chase that feeling.

- Today, at the end of the day,
- I will have, for all of you, a big surprise.
- Okay? So hang in there.
- And I will see you at the end of the day.
- All right?

Michael: All right, everybody out except Phyllis.

- But sometimes twos can be wild, so watch out.
- And I am obviously the joker, so...
- Thafs_.
- Automated voice: Wuphf from
- Ryan Howard. Decided to sell company.
- Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride.
- Thank god.

Stanley: [believing that Ryan is after his 8th grade daughter] That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?
Ryan: Yes, sir.
Stanley: Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it. What you looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.
Ryan: [outside] Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

Jim: So we're gonna say the most likely scenario is Michael matured overnight?

Todd: I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes from that place, Nipples.
Pam: I think it's called Nibbles.
Todd: The mind sees what it wants to, huh?

Dwight: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information is passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos, which puts me at a disadvantage because...
[picks up water bottle]
Dwight: I bring my own water to work.

Jim: Side effects of EMF include headaches.
Dwight: Had them all my life.
Jim: Breast pain.
Dwight: [Pointing to his chest] No knobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim.

- Prove it.
- What... no. We're gonna head outside.
- Just give it a whirl. I just wanna see how it works.
- No, no, no, l_ butlwiteh you hus.
- If this works out, I think we're looking real good.
- I promise you, that door locks.

Darryl: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretended to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys.

Andy: I left my cell phone in my car.
Phyllis: Call us when you get there, so we know you're okay.

- What was that? That was just normal video with you making vulgar noises.
- Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar.
- Next time do more fail-ier stuff, okay?
- What happened to that video I sent you?
- Oh, that wasn't... that didn't work. That was not the right...
- All: [Mumbling] I think I've got it right here.

Kelly: Well, I just need to know where this is going.
Darryl: Hey, I like you. All right? What's not to like? But you need to access your un-crazy side; otherwise, maybe this thing has run its course.

Michael: Okay, too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.

Robert: There is only sex. Everything is sex. Do you understand that what I'm telling you is a universal truth?

- They don't get them if we don't get them.
- My kid needs shoes. You want to tell him he doesn't get shoes?
Kevin: Yeah.
- Her kid needs shoes, Jim.
Meredith: What the hell?
- Wow. I'm just going to rewind and back off a bit, so...

Michael: Well, here we go. On our way to New York. New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name.

- now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away.
- I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar.
- I will quit.
- As god is my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed.
- Some of us like the walk more than others.
Kevin: It hurts like hell.

Michael: Ready to play some games? Let's do it!
Kevin: Michael, the baby's already been born.
Michael: Yeah, duh...
Kevin: So, we had games planned, but the baby ruins all of them.
Michael: [angrily] No, the baby doesn't ruin anything, Kevin. Okay? The baby... multiplies the fun. Let's just... do what you were going to do.
Kevin: Okay... who wants to guess when the baby will be born?

- I wanted a cookie.
- Completely unacceptable.
- Now I know what the founders of Philip Morris felt like.
- You just want to give people a smooth, fun way to relax, and suddenly, you're just some terrible monster.
- Here we go.

Michael: Well we should head out.
Meredith: No, no, no, you gotta stay. I have Vienna Sausages, and I have napkins. Let me fix you breakfast.

Dwight: I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor.
[David sighs]
Jim: Really? Does he do good work or...
Dwight: [scoffs] No, Jim, I use a bad apiarist.

Oscar: Okay. Once in a while, I'll take a long lunch.
Michael: A siesta.
Dwight: Time thief. Time thief. Fire him!
Jim: Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?
Dwight: Never.
Michael: You are a thief of joy.

Andy: Okay, so... Help us out.
Michael: Wish I could, but I can't. Well, can, but won't. Should, maybe, but shorn't.
Kevin: Michael, please...
Michael: What part of "shorn't" don't you understand, Kevin?

Jim: Dwight, how's the hotel business?
Dwight: Stupid.
Jim: Have you checked Trip Advisor recently?
Dwight: No.
Jim: Maybe you should.
Dwight: Maybe you should... Whatever.
[talking head]
Pam: We wrote a good review. Under "Comments," we wrote, "The natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedrooms and makes you dream of simpler times."
Jim: "The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings."
Pam: "Table-making never seemed so possible."
Jim: "You will never want to leave your room."
Pam: "The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm."

Jim: I ate a tuna sandwich on my first day, so Andy started calling me Big Tuna. I don't think any of them actually know my real name.

- Since Andy promoted me to assistant regional manager,
- I've been trying to step my game up, you know, be more productive.
- In fact, you know what?
- Let's knock out a few more of these sound bites while we're here.
- Whoa. That person has really gotten him or herself into quite a predicament.

Michael: Deangelo's great. I love the guy. But I'm not sure he's a good fit for the office. And also, I'm not sure if I love the guy.

Jan: [after Michael says he wants a child] If you want to have kids, then fine, you win. Let's have a
[bleep]
Jan: kid!

Ryan: [cleaning out Michael's car] Wow. How many Filet-O-Fishes did you eat?
Michael: That's over several months, Ryan.
Ryan: Still...

Dwight: Schrutes are farmers by hobby, and traders by trade.

Stanley: I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I'm telling someone how to do something. I go on with a long description and then I say, "and shove it up your butt". It's stupid, but it's my thing now.

- hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' the song large tuna, have you seen my cell phone device?
- 'Cause someone is calling right now. No.
- There is a call.
- Well you really gonna rock tonight every little swallow...

- of a rough patch for the past couple weeks, but we had some really good talks and, actually now, I think that we're better than ever.
- Karen and I had a long talk last night and the night before that and every night for the last five nights.

Stanley: [Speaking to the camera] I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get and go sit in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch was paid for. That is the life.

Dwight: I don't want to alarm people, but there is a distinct chance that we're all about to be killed.

Hannah: [breastfeeding] Take a picture; it'll last longer.
Ryan: I'm sorry, it's just... It's a little distracting.
Creed: [staring] Ditto that, my brother.

Dwight: My girlfriend and I broke up recently, and I must say I am relieved. It gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his doorstep by his parents. You can use those oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care. They're your oats.

- Plus it's fun, you know, cookies, smoked fish, alcohol, people acting stupid.
- You had me at "clookies." I can't wait to find out what they are.
- What should I wear?
- Oh, it's nice. It's real nice.
- People get dressed up.
- I will look so handsome for you, Darryl.

Angela: I heard a joke today.
Dwight: [awkward laughter] Oh, that's funny.
Angela: Yes, it was.

Dwight: Maybe you're right. Esther is a 10, and the best I've ever done is Angela, who's a 9, and she rejected me.
Clark: A Scranton 9, but, you know, point taken. Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple of 4s, huh? I mean, there are no games with 4s.

Michael: I hope you're prepared to die in the office, because I am.

Pam: [deleted scene] Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Um, hold, please.
[to Jim]
Pam: There's a Brenda on the phone for you.
[to Brenda]
Pam: Just one second, I'll transfer.
Jim: [telephone ringing]
[shows note to camera "It's OK. She'll call back!"]

- I just miss you so much.
- I missed you, too.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Can I kiss you?
- Okay. Yeah.

- No, I just gotta wait for Darryl to do his shot. Just a minute.
- Come on. Darryl! Darryl!
- It's getting kind of rowdy down there. Yeah.
- "Darryl, Darryl, Darryl!"
- Sometimes I just don't get Roy.
- I mean, I don't know.

Jim: Hey, can I talk to you about something?
Pam: About when you want to give me more of your money?
Jim: No, I...
Pam: Did you want to do that now? We can go inside. I'm feeling kind of good tonight.
Jim: I was just... I'm in love with you.
Pam: [No longer smiling] What?
Jim: I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just...
Pam: [Stunned] What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that?
Jim: I just needed you to know. Once.
Pam: Well, I... I... I can't.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: You have no idea...
Jim: Don't do that.
Pam: ...what your friendship means to me.
Jim: Come on. I don't want to do that. I wanna be more than that.
Pam: I can't.
[a small tear runs down Jim's face]
Pam: I'm really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It's probably my fault.
Jim: [Trying to recover] Not your fault. I'm sorry I misinterpreted our friendship.

- he drew the hands of the peasants.
- Meaning what?
- Meaning real art takes courage, okay, and honesty.
- Well, those aren't
- Pam'sstrong points.
- Yeah, exactly.
- That's why this is motel art.
- Thanks for coming.

Dwight: Check for an organ donor card. If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest.
Creed: He has no wallet. I checked.

Michael: [deleted scene] Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?
Pam: I guess.
Michael: Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam.
Pam: What?
Michael: Messages?

Dwight: I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I'd just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

- Oh, that was amazing!
- That was awesome!
- I auditioned for this!
- When did the cast list go up?
- Like a month ago.
- Really? They didn't call me!
- Who am I playing?
- Andy?

- Pam, I am assistant regional manager and I can take care of him.
- Part of my duties are to...
- What? Part of your duties are to what? What?
- You just said that part of your duties are to... something.
- No, I didn't. Yes, you did.
- What is wrong with you?
- What is wrong with you?

Andy: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
[Angela rolls her eyes]
Jan: Well actually, I uh, I had a tub birth. That was really, really quite amazing.
Angela: You gave birth in a *tub*?
Jan: Yeah, it's... it's a really nice transition from womb to, to world, you know? Kinda like a big womb...
Kelly: Umm, so you're in the tub with... everything?
Jan: Oh yeah, the afterbirth floats. Yeah.
[smiles]
Creed: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Creed: [shakes his head] Ugh...
Stanley: I'm done.
[walks out]
Oscar: Me too.
[follows Stanley]

- That was so...
- I don't even have jan's cell phone number, and I hate her.
- She won't give it to me. I was like, "I guess I'm a loser."
[Staggering] A loser!
- Too far! God!
- Thanks a lot, man.
- Thanks for the advice.

Kelly: And the guys are saying, "Chug! Chug! Chug!" But I'm so small and all I had eaten that day was one of those Auntie Em pretzels from the food court. So I said, "Is it okay if I sip it?" And they said, "No." But Ryan seemed cool either way...
Dwight: Stop! This is not "Kelly Kapoor's Story Hour." Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is on the line! Now, I'm gonna ask you again, what time did you go home last night?
Kelly: 6:00.

- What?
- That's a flush.
- All: The warehouse!
- There's nothing down here.
Jim: Oh.
- I expected more from young Halpert.
- This just...
- Forget it, forget it.

Jim: Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug, and didn't seem to realize that it wasn't his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won't notice?

- Jan and I are lovers.
- It feels so good to finally say that out loud.
- David, can I speak to you privately for just a moment, please?
- Excuse me.
- Okay.

- I remember you. Funny.
- All right. So...
- Tell me all about it.
- Okay. Well, gosh, thank you for your help today.
- Your perspective was very useful. Thank you.
- It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon.

- We can stay a little longer.
- Really?
Angela: Yeah.
Meredith: Yeah. Sure, Michael.
Kelly: Yeah.
- No, this is great. Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.

- Jim, this has to get out so we can all deal with it.
- But you're leaving.
- Dwhght: Have agoodtnp thanks
- Andy? Yeah?
- Walk with me.
- Will do, boss man.

- What's "updog"? Gotcha! Oh, god.
- Crap.
- Nothing. How are you doing?
- Good.
- How are you doing?
- Damn it!

- Watching people get sick always makes me sick.
- And, frankly, so does talking about it. So, wow.

Philadelphia's: Sir, sir, dial it back. This isn't Tail Feathers, okay?

Michael: U-G-L-Y/You ain't got no alibi./You ugly.
Michael: Huh, huh.
Michael: You ugly./You mama say you ugly. Hey!/Go Michael Scott Paper Company!

Kelly: Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.

Dwight: Nice babies your making with floozies at the bar!
Michael: That's my wife your talking about man!
Dwight: Your made-up wife, who doesn't exist?

- see what people are like outside of the office.
- You know, I think it could be fun.
- No, it sounds good.
- Oh, no.
- Seriously, we gotta get going.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jim: I'm just hiding out until all this stuff blows over, with Creed, playing chess, at work. He's winning. I feel like I'm describing a dream I had.

Customer: I'm calling the Better Business Bureau!
Michael: Yeah, well, I'm calling the Ungrateful Biatch Hotline!

Oscar: I'm a dog person.
Angela: If you pray hard enough, you can change yourself into a cat person.
Oscar: Those guys always turn back, Angela.

Dwight: Who are you?
Asian: Who am I? I'm Jim. We've been working together for 12 years. Weird joke, Dwight.
Dwight: You're not Jim. Jim's not Asian.
Asian: You seriously never noticed?

- Seated, we have the former congressman, Chris o'keefe.
- Your eminence.
- For those of you with questions, please line up behind one of the four microphones that have been placed in the aisles.
- Coming through! [Shooing]

- You like it? It's kind of designy and cool.
- It was $8.
- Oh, and I get to carry it.

Toby: I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this?
[everyone in the conference room raises their hand]
Dwight: Okay, really?
Toby: Would you consider this a terrorist incident?
Ryan: I felt terrorized.
Dwight: Come on.
Toby: Oh! There's a whole other terrorism booklet for that.
Dwight: I just really, really think that we should handle this internally.
Ryan: Dwight, why is it on us to protect you?
Dwight: Because you guys are my best friends. And I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground.
[everyone has a shocked expression]
Dwight: And I mean that figuratively, not literally. Because you guys are so, so important to me. I love you guys, but don't cross me, but you're the best.

Erin: They're back!
Kevin: Oooh yeah!
[people chuckle]
Kevin: Jim and Pam!
Kelly: How was Puerto Rico? Was it so romantic?
Jim: It was.
Pam: It really was.
Jim: Really was.
Kelly: [voice cracks] I'm so happy for you!

- I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot.
- I will also be taking my break at the exact same time and in the same location.
- What a coincidence. Hmm.
- So, I either get more involved or I take a sick day.
- Leaving Dwight in charge.
- Oh, god.

- he started working for Jim in the last few weeks.
- Break it down by keyword, okay?
- Infuriating, irresponsible...
- They've got us set up with windows 95, so you're kind of dreaming here.
- Okay, I'm going to need you to print it out.

- Curse is broken, people.
- Oh, there is a god.
- And he has a plan for us after all.
- So go home, get some rest.
- Very, very good work today.
- Got a lot accomplished.
- Is there a god? If not, what are all these churches for?
- And who is Jesus' dad?

Michael: And the Tight Ass Award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has a great caboose. So, come on down.
Angela: No.

Vance: [tosses the butt of a joint in parking lot] We should get a pizza.
Vance: I hate pizza.

Ryan: Psychiatrists tend to be more crazy than their patients. Therapists are whores. Psychiatry is a narcissism machine. I learned more from Dr Suess than Dr Freud. Earth. You don't have to be crazy to live here, but it helps. I don't know, just use the best one.

Pam: Oh, Angela, those brownies have walnuts in them, and I think Kevin's allergic to walnuts. You're allergic to walnuts, right, Kevin?
Kevin: Extremely, but I'm gonna fight through it.

- Both: Yes.
- Is that where you hid the bomb, goldenface?
- But why would you blow up the stadium?
- You own the stadium.
- For the insurance money.
- I knew it all along.
- You will never get away with this.

- Why? I believe in us.
- We can do this.
- Okay, on three, everyone in the air.
- Three, two, one, zero.
[Camera clicks] Just say
- "jump." Say the word "jump."
- We didn't get it.

Katy: What colors do you like?
Angela: Gray, dark gray, charcoal.

Phyllis: [deleted scene] He asked if you've been acting withdrawn lately.
Stanley: And what did you say?
Phyllis: I said no.
Stanley: Hmmm.
Phyllis: You're welcome.
Dwight: Your turn, Stanley.
[Stanley just takes a drink from his mug]
Dwight: Angela, you're up.

Michael: [choosing team names for the company's beach day] We are going to choose team names. Dwight.
Dwight: We will be called Gryffindor.
Jim: Really? Not Slytherin?
Dwight: Slytherin are the bad guys, Jim.
Jim: I know. Okay, we will be Voldemort.
Dwight: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? I wouldn't do that.
Jim: [starts chanting] Vol-de-mort, Vol-de-mort...
[Kevin and Karen follow]
Jim: Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort! Vol-de-mort!
Dwight: OK, seriously. You really shouldn't be saying that.
Michael: Hey, hey, hey. Ok, Ok... Stanley, your team name?
Stanley: I don't care what you call my team.
Michael: Then I will name your team the Red team.
Stanley: [Crosses arms] No, the blue team.

- This was so much fun, and I'm really sorry that I missed your play, but next time, I'll be there.
- Or here. Right here, I promise.
- Okay. Awesome.
- See you later.
- Thank you.

[a furious Dwight barges into the conference room, interrupting a meeting involving Michael, Stanley and Phyllis. He opens a box containing all the paperwork from his numerous complaints against Jim and rifles through it, becoming angrier by the second]
Dwight: [shouting] No, no!
[to Michael]
Dwight: Four years of malfeasance unreported! This cannot stand.
Michael: Okay, calm down.
Dwight: No, you calm down. Whose side is Toby on?
[yells]
Dwight: Whose side are you on?
Michael: Hey!
Dwight: Him or me? I cannot work with Jim anymore. Either he goes, or I go!
Michael: Dwight, stop...
Dwight: [shouting] You choose! One of us is out of here by the end of today!
[He grabs the box and storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him]
Michael: ...Okay.

Andy: For dinner I went South of the border, and then went South of that border, and we have ourselves a Jamaican feast mon.
Phyllis: If I wanted Jamaican food, I would just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there.

- We get that every year.
- Well, you got it this year, too.
- Good night, Andy. Good night.
- Good night, Andy.
- Good night.
- Night.

- Where are you working?
- Dunder Mifflin.
- Any jobs going?
- No, not right now.
- Just let me know. All right.
- See you around.
- Bye, bye.
- What a nice guy.

- What shall we play?
- Maybe we should warm up with some scales?
- Yeah. Midnight rambler?
- Midnight what?
- Have you heard about the midnight rambler?
- Hey, this is crazy

- All right. Thanks, man.
- Hey, merry Christmas.
- Whose butt is that? Mine.
- Oh, how did I not guess that?
- Lampshade on head!
- It's happening!
Creed: Oh, no.

- I'm just saying
- I didn't mean it.
- Okay. Fine.
- I love you, jan.
- Okay.
- Don't break up, you guys.
- You're great together.

- I don't get it! How could she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice?
- What? What?
- She's sleeping with you?
- I'm her fiance.
- She said she was only sleeping with me.

Michael: Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet, somebody else who has been to prison.
[puts on bandana]
Michael: I'm Prison Mike. Do you know why they call me Prison Mike?
Angela: Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?
Michael: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, biatch?

Pam: I just wanted to say that, just, my mom's coming in today.
Kevin: MILF.
Pam: Thanks, Kevin.

Dwight: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. "Count Choculitis?"
Jim: Sounds tough.
Dwight: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

Pete: No one recognizes me, but now, all my friends call me "Plop".

Edward R. Meow: [Michael and the employees' kids are watching the young Michael on an old puppet show] So, tell me, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
Young: I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say no to being my friend.
Edward R. Meow: [Long pause] Uh... oh, okay. Well, nice talking with you, Michael. Back to you, Miss Trudy.
Melissa: [after Michael turns off the clip] Did you get married?
Michael: Uh, no.
Abby: Why not?
Michael: Uh, it just never happened.
Sasha: So, do you have any kids?
Michael: Uh, nope.
Jake: Do you have a girlfriend?
Michael: I do okay.
Melissa: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then?
Jake: Even I have a girlfriend.
Michael: Okay. All right. Okay.
Sasha: So, you didn't get to be what you wanted to be.
Michael: [pause] I guess not.

Pam: I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash.
Kevin: Like money? Like you - you want my money?
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Kevin: Will you take a check?
Pam: Yeah.
Kevin: Cool. In the memo line, I'm gonna write "To love's eternal glory."

Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister's.

- Clothes. Me.
- Ladies, I am so, so sorry.
- Can we start again?
- We were on such a roll.
- I really apologize... jan?
- For that. Yes, Pam?
- Michael's still at the door. Michael!

Kevin: [Speaking to camera] This is a documentary? Oh. I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo.

Pam: Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott.
[laughter]
Pam: He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.
Michael: Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Pam: Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever.
[Dwight claps loudly]
Dwight: Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha.
Pam: And one time, I walked in on him naked... and his thing is so small.
Kevin: How small is it?
Pam: If it were an iPod it would be a Shuffle!

Erin: [to Robert tending bar] I would like another alcohol.

Angela: [deleted scene] My name is Angela and, um, I'm in charge of the accounting department. There are three of us, Kevin and Oscar.
Oscar: It's my job to keep the books in order. And, um, I... I'm, uh, immediately below my supervisor.
Angela: Oscar, how do I describe him. He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I'm still the one that has to push it down.
Oscar: There's a lot of anxiety. I don't want to get laid off. This place is like five minutes from my house.
Kevin: I don't wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me. 'Cause I need my nights free. I'm in a band.
Angela: Not very worried about downsizing right now. Because, uh, I think you've met Kevin and, um...
Oscar: Can I just say one thing? Um, my friend is Jewish, Art Geller. And a couple of years ago he, um, showed me how you can plant a tree in Israel, so I planted a tree. So... You know, 'cause... Yeah, we work in paper. Well, you know, I try to give back.
Angela: I have a lot of cat figurines on my desk. I think cats, really, are old souls. And, uh, Phyllis thinks so too.

Ryan: I've finally mastered commitment!

Jan: Because of our situation, we're gonna need to have a third party present.
Michael: Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.
Jan: Darryl from the warehouse?
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Jan: No, Michael, we need an H.R. rep. So, I think you should just bring Toby.
Michael: Hey, I'd rather kill myself.

[during a talking head]
Kevin: Are you kidding me? Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile. They're just keeping it a secret.
[to Oscar, who's sitting next to him]
Kevin: Right?
Oscar: I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. Could be other things.
Kevin: [incredulous] Are you KIDDING me?

Dwight: Helen Mirren was born Helen Mirrenoff,
[disgusted]
Dwight: That's right, you're fake-salivating over a Soviet-era Russian.

[Michael is a little hurt that he wasn't invited to Ryan's camping trip]
Michael: Just this whole Toby camping thing. I don't know, seems a little lame. I mean...
Jim: How so?
Michael: A bunch of guys in a tent making s'mores.
[Michael wavers his hand implying that circumstance warrants homosexuality because it's all guys]
Jim: [about Michael's motions] What's that?
Michael: Oh, I'm on Broken Mountain.
[sniggers]

[deleted scene]
[as Dwight plays Second Life, his character opens up his closet to find his rocket launcher in Jell-O]
Dwight: Who put my rocket launcher in Jell-O?
[Jim's Second Life character flies just outside the window]

- Great, now we've got three hours to fill.
- Okay, hold on. Are you sure mose isn't going to show up?
- Ever since Angela moved in, and mose had to stop sleeping at the foot of my bed, he's been acting pretty weird about this whole wedding thing.
- Mose has been weird?
- That's so unlike him.

Creed: Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals. I said, "Have you heard my originals? They're terrible." They said, "Even better."

- "I assume you read binary, so why don't you zero, one, one,
- "one, one, one, zero, one, one, zero, one, one?"
- Okay.
- While you were typing that, I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything and mastered the violin.
- And sold more paper.

Michael: Man, I should've gotten some food.
Kevin: [wearing "Italian" card on his head] Maybe some spaghetti.
Michael: Okay, Kevin, you can take off... that... thing, okay?

Dwight: [starts attacking plankers] Kids, don't try planking. It's dangerous.
[knocks Toby off table]
Dwight: Especially with me around.

Dwight: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
Angela: Waste of time.
Michael: What's that, pipsqueak?
Angela: Waste of time. The website's going to win.
Dwight: You believe a computer can beat me?
Angela: I don't care, but yes.
Dwight: Well, I will prove you wrong.
Angela: I don't care, and you won't.
Dwight: You'll see.
Angela: I won't be watching, and I won't.

Michael: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago.

Michael: So when can I see you again?
Holly: Tonight, I'm free tonight. Is that too eager? I don't care, I'm free tonight.
Michael: Ok. Oh wait, oh, tonight's no good. Because I'm busy taking you out.
Holly: Oh I just remembered, I can't tonight.
Michael: Why?
Holly: I'm going out with you.
Michael: Wow! Oh, wait a second. Oh, I can't tonight. What... no? Ok, too many times.

Stanley: I don't want to stay until 7:00 again this year.
Pam: I don't really have any control over that, Stanley.
[both look toward Michael's office]
Pam: Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work. Time cards, he has to sign these every Friday. Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month. And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter. But once every year, it all falls on the same Friday. That's today. I call it the perfect storm.

Michael: The kids don't want to hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you.

Dwight: So, what weapon?
Andy: My bare hands.
Dwight: That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.

Michael: [over the walkie-talkie] We are in the stairwell.
Dwight: We are climbing some stairs. I am breathing heavily.
Jim: Okay, you know what? You really don't need to be updating me as much as you're updating me.

- Merry Christmas. You, too.
- Fa la la la, la la, ka-ching oh. So this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India?
Stanley: She's burning.
Pam: Oh, my god!
Michael: We got a live one! On fire!

Sam: Lily?
- I'm in here.
- I... I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were in the bath.
- Do you want me to go?
- I want you to stay.

Creed: In the parking lot today, there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high wire. A lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator. A strongman crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.

- can never be played the same way again.
- Everyone, brainstorm some innovations.
- Don't be afraid to get weird with it.
- Meredith!
- Excited.
- Okay.

Ryan: We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time.
Kelly: God, baby - you know, with people's reactions to this, I wonder if we made a mistake.
Ryan: No! With the messed-up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.
Oscar: Know what, Ryan? I talked to the other gay guys, and we're OK with it. We all agreed it's fine for you to get married.

[frustrated that no one is showing him sympathy for his burned foot]
Michael: I burned my foot! Okay! 20 minutes! Conference room! EVERYBODY'S IN THERE!

- Number one. Inverted penis.
- Could you mean vagina?
- Because if you do,
- I want that covered.
- I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
- The uterus is different from a vagina.
- I still have a vagina.

- Michael...
- Yes.
- I'm sorry.
- No... Carole?
- You walk out that door and it is over.
- I know.

Michael: A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?" This is what's at stake.

Michael: It takes a big man to admit his mistakes, and I am that big man.

Stanley: It's like I used to tell my wife. "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong, and if you don't like it, you can leave." And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one, too.

- I'll make you kneel in cow manure and I'll abandon you in a beet field.
- Oh, that sounds great, Dwight.
- I really appreciate that.
- Thank you so much. A mentor...
- Congratulations, resourceful salesman.
- You have passed the second challenge. Welcome to schrute farm!

Kelly: Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is 'cause you're not good at interacting with people.

Dwight: I am not hysterical.
- I am explaining...
- Yes!
- Oh, my god. You ass.
- There's nothing better than a beautiful day at the beach, filled with sun, surf and diligent note-taking.
Michael: Pam, you're missing things!

Phyllis: I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works.
Meredith: [Scoffs] We're out there sweating our balls off every day, bustin' our balls. We deserve a Christmas party!
Nellie: Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini-cupcakes?
Kevin: Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?
Dwight: What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicolas' rural German companion, Belsnickel.
Jim: Yes! That, that, that! We're definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement?
Kevin: No.
Angela: No!
Jim: Done, right?
Angela: No.
Stanley: No. I want Tropical Christmas.
Meredith: Topless Christmas.
Creed: Tapas Swiss Miss.

Michael: I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people.

- sorry about that.
- Oh, smooth move, tuna.
- Nice one.
- Are there any messages?
- So weird.
- Nice to have Oscar back.
- Yeah.

Pam: [last line of the series] There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn't that kind of the point?

Dwight: Otherwise, it's just malfeasance for malfeasance's sake.

Dwight: Hello. Where is it?
- They're testing it now.
- How long does it take to get the results?
- Seventy-two hours.
- You're going to wait here?
- Yes.

Pam: Val's no help. Andy's gone, Jim's out. I just feel like I'm on my own here.
[Brian taps Pam's head with the boom microphone, making her smile]

Jim: Oh, nice, wasting time, here we go.
Meredith: Hey, back off. It's Solitaire.
Creed: Hey, kid. Hear you're looking for work.
Jim: Talk to me.
Creed: How far can you reach those lovely, long arms of yours?
[Jim stretches his arms]
Creed: Eh, put 'em down. How long can you hold that pretty little breath of yours?
[Jim holds his breath]
Creed: Good.
Gabe: Hey, Jim? Are you distracting these people?
Creed: We're working.
Gabe: Can you at least try to look busy?

Jan: Well, how about we do the short tour, and then I'll start dinner.
Pam: Oh, I can help starting dinner, if you need it.
Jan: Oh, no, no, no, it's just the osso bucco, needs to braise for about three hours. Everything else is done.
Pam: Three hours from now, or three hours from earlier, like 4:00?
Jan: You know, Pam, in Spain, they often don't even start eating until midnight.
Michael: When in Rome.

Michael: Comedy's very much alive, as are homeless people.

Michael: I would like your undivided attention please.
Dwight: You couldn't handle my undivided attention.

- What were we doing for
- 19 minutes and 48 seconds?
- None of your business.
- So I guess I can assume that was personal.
- Fine.
- So maybe you're not completely ethical after all.
- Yes. Maybe I'm not

Kevin: It's, is she hot? Not, would you do her. Respect the game.

- Hey, Pam, by the way, it's great that you're dating.
- But when a new client calls, you just have to randomly assign them to a salesperson.
- You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week.
- Okay? Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
- And that is why we waited so long to tell people.

Robert: Jim, would you prefer a nature metaphor or a sexual metaphor?
Jim: Oh, God, nature. Please.
Robert: When two animals are having sex...

Goldenface: Sorry about your friend, Scarn.
Michael: The joke's on you, Goldenface. That man was a wanted animal rapist.

- Why do you always do that?
- Whenever I'm getting married, you don't believe me.
- Are you getting married?
- Are you...
- I'm not.
- I'm not getting married.
- Psych.

Michael: Who is kafkaesque? I've never- I don't know him.

Michael: Look, why do we, as a society, hate old people so much?
Creed: Because they're lame.

[Dwight suspects the new website has become self-aware through instant messages Pam is sending]
Dwight: [typing] How do I know this isn't Jim?
Pam: [typing] What is a Jim?

- You watched it.
- Yeah.
- Well, then I guess you're ready for this.
- What's that?
- It's from the teapot.
- Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note.

- Minister: As is traditional to the schrutes, the lovers are standing in their own graves, as a reminder that this is the only escape from what they are about to do.
- See, I get what they're trying to do, but why are the graves so shallow?

- Hello, rock 107, am I the 107th caller?
- Stop. I'm totally gonna win us that box set.
- Jethro tull... stop it.
- Stop it.
- I need to make a sales call.
- Please? All right.

- Every day for eight years,
- I have brought pepper spray into this office to protect myself and my fellow employees.
- And every day, for eight years, people have laughed at me.
- Well, who's laughing now?

Jim: One day, Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.

- Maybe we could switch instruments.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause my body's starting to get bruised.
- Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right.

Oscar: If either of these guys are put in charge of the office, I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I'm kinda looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see.

- I don't know.
- Is it serious?
- I don't know, kev.
- If you find out anything, call me.
- You got it, buddy.

Dwight: Thank you, thanks so much. Um, I wanna dedicate this award to something that uh... we take for granted in our daily lives, and that is the humble trash can. This is for you trash can!
[tosses his Dundie in a trash can]

- That's not...
- Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming!
- Now, please take your hay bales to the reception.
- They'll be used for seating.
- Complimentary hay hooks are placed along the aisles.
- Just stab them on in there.

- Hold it...
- Take a step back.
- Take a step back.
- Okay, okay, I can't...
- I can't do this ifyou're gonna be thrusting like that, okay?
- I think we're gonna have to cut this off.
- He will now perform the ceremonial cutting off of the belt.

Jim: Stanley, I just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you? You got any games?
Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It's called "work hard so my kids can go to college."
Jim: Fair enough.

Dwight: The Schrutes have a word for when everything in a man's life comes together perfectly. Perfectenschlag. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate. I am assembling a competent team. I am likely a father. I am so deep inside of perfectenschlag right now. And, just to be clear, there is a second definition, "perfect pork anus", which I don't mean.

Dwight: If you want people to put the best face on something, why would you get two people who have probably never cut the face off of anything in their lives?

- Hey,
- I just wanted to apologize.
- I mean, that was so weird.
- Can we just like never talk about it again?
- Sure. Okay, thanks.
- Hey, just so you know, me and you,
- I don't think that's ridiculous.
- Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.

- but if you fake it, I won't be able to tell the difference.
- So I'll feel good.
- And then eventually, maybe, you'll actually start to love me again.
- You really think we can get that back? Yes.
- Come on.
- Totally.

Holly: [On Michael's office phone] This is Holly.
Michael: No, this is Holly.
Holly: No, *this* is Holly.
Michael: No, this is Holly.
Holly: No, this is Michael Scott.
Michael: Busted! So what can I do for you Holly?
Holly: I'm calling because of a terrible car accident.
Michael: Oh really? Was anyone killed?
Holly: A *lot* of people.
Michael: Any nuns?
Holly: Three nuns, missionaries from South Africa.
Michael: Were they in the missionary position?

Jake: You're ugly.
Dwight: Well, at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So...
Jake: Meredith!
Dwight: [mockingly] Meredith.

- Big one! Big one!
- I think I saw it!
- I think I saw it!
- Stop it!
- Nicejob, I think you got him.
[Door closes] You can't stay here, this place is a biohazard.
- If I were you,
- I'd just bunk with Cathy.

- Really?
- Well, then here we are.
- Michael.
- Gabe is making the pigs in a blanket, [dwight shushing]
[Whispering] And he kind of needs some help, so he was wondering if you could help him.

- Number 14, declining to speak first.
- Makes them feel uncomfortable, puts you in control.

Pam: "P."
- Michael, I am very sorry.
- Oh, hey, no biggie. Just...
- No, no, no. This was rough.
- We never meant for you to get caught in the middle of this.
- I'm very sorry.

- and now you're firing me.
- And the best thing about it is that, uh, we're not gonna have to give you any severance pay.
- Because that is gross misconduct, and, uh...
- So just clean out your desk.
- I'm sorry.

- the first day's always the hardest.
- Yeah.
- Hey, hn1 yeah?
- Can I help you? Nope.
- Just_
- Okay.

- Could you please sign my expense report?
- No way, no how. Expense reports are a day-to-day item.
- That is Jim's now. I am exclusively big picture. Epic.

Michael: It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.

Dwight: Jo, can I speak to you for a second?
Jo: Or what? Are you gonna shoot me?

[Whispering] Whatever you guys did earlier.
- I don't know the first thing about secret meetings.
- Just do it, okay? Get them there. Get them there.
- I'll do the best I can, Michael.
- Are you kidding me?
- Deceit does not come easy to me. Okay, okay, okay.

Michael: All right, let me introduce you to some of the troops. Accounting, front and center. Come on up here. I'd like you to meet somebody. This is the accounting department.
Charles: Hey. I come from accounting, too.
Michael: Nerd alert! This is Oscar Martinez. He is Latino, and he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart, but he didn't bring any of that into work, it did not affect his job performance whatsoever, and I'm very proud of him for that.
Charles: [shaking hands with Oscar] Hey, Oscar, it's good to meet you. Good.
Michael: This little hell-raiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. The one over there, in the orange.
[pointing to Andy]
Andy: Heyo!
Michael: [looking around] Heyo. Where's the other...
Charles: You know, Michael, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history.
Michael: Well, perfect, because we have now arrived at Kevin, and he has no sexual history.

Michael: Used to have two cars, traded them in. Now we're down to one. Good economic sense, although the new car's a Porsche, for her.

Pam: Michael, you shouldn't do anything that you're uncomfortable with.
Michael: Jan says anything that doesn't scare us is not worth doing.
[pause]
Michael: I don't know, maybe we're different people, I like cuddling and spooning and she likes videotaping us during sex.
Pam: Oh my God.
Michael: Argh... and then watching it back right afterwards to improve my form.
Karen: That is not healthy behaviour.
Michael: No, it's not that bad. The worst part is that she shows it to her therapist and they discuss it.
Pam: Michael, you need to get out of this.
Michael: No, she's just fooling around. It's a woman thing.
Pam: No, normal women don't do stuff like that. This is bad.
[There's a short pause and then Michael starts crying]

Andy: Michael, am I gay?

Toby: Hey I left my glasses down here somewhere. Crossing through, beep beep.
[Pam throws her paper airplane at Toby, hitting him]
Toby: Ow, ow!
Pam: I didn't see you! You should have yelled "Crossing!"

Creed: Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive.

[telling Jim a case he's solved]
Dwight: Okay, one, Case of the Beet Bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm, no footprints. Inside job, Mose in socks. Boom, case closed.

Jim: Dumbest thing we've ever done.

- I actually feel in control.
- I feel alive.
- Here. [Tut-tutting]
- I got it.
- But you hurt your hand. Igoth.
- Right now? Yes.

- Hi, nard dog. I'm lu peachem.
- Let's get things started, shall we?
- You guys ready to hear from the dunder Mifflin business experts?
- Good. Well, as you can see on your program, first up is a speech called,
- "don't just dream it, do it."
- Yes! Please give a big hand to Mr. Kevin Malone.

Narrator: It wasn't easy for Scarn to admit that he'd lost his self-confidence. And he hadn't, of course. He just wasn't using it right now.

Michael: Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself!

Andy: [to Jim about his sexuality] For the record, I prefer women. But off the record, I'm kinda confused.

- Great. Look at that.
- I can assure you we don't need a new system, though.
- We're happy with ours.
- Hello. May I help you?
- Jim-Bo.
- Jim.

Darryl: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Michael: Bail 'er? I hardly know her.
Lonny: Damn it, Michael, pay attention, man.

- Cow, goat or sheep.
- What is this?
- Right. We're all on the same team. Is it...
- Why is that in the kitchen?
- Close the df cover.
- I did, though.

- Male hostage: Please, goldenface, let us go!
- Cherokee Jack.
- I want you to take all your frustrations with women, the system, with everything, take it out on the puck.
- All on the puck.

- We're... we're doing okay.
- A couple weeks in, and we're having fun.
- Yep, we have 20 of those...
- Oh, excuse me! Sorry!
- Sorry, no, it's...
- It's a paper company now.
- It's not for the church.

- but then she was sleeping with Dwight for...
- Several years. Wait, no, that can't be right.
- No, timeline's messy.
- Anyway, now we are going bargain hunting in the haunted graveyard of their love.
- This is my solo.

- And I don't want to say the other one was old, but its ip number was one.
- Right?
- Thank you, Pam.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- My pleasure.

- So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now?
- It all seems so very arbitrary.
- Iapphed for a job at this company because they were hiring.
- I took a desk at the back because it was empty.
- But [chuckles] No matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home.

- smoke a few macanudos, maybe even toss a disc around.
[Speaking pig Latin] Ut-way ooh-day ooh-yay ink-thay, am-pay?
- Wow. I...
- Shh.
- Think about it.
- |'|| hit you back.

Dwight: Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions?
Jim: Yes. We will be requiring a bedtime story.
Dwight: No.
Jim: Not even "Harry Potter"?
Dwight: No, Jim, come on.

- Yeah! Yeah!
- Got one!
- Three reams! In your face, machines!
- What kind of prank are you thinking?
- What if I told you
- I could offer free shipping?
- Sure, I'll hold.

Andy: We won't let you down.
Michael: You can't, because I don't care.

- No! No, no, no!
- The bat.
Pam: What is he doing?
Andy: Oh! They're stinging him!
- All: No, no, no!
- No, no!

- Yeah? How was it?
- Very sunny.
- Family's important.
- Michael. I would like to speak with you in your office, please.
- Okay. Yep.

Dwight: [about Tallahassee trip] Oh, I'm sorry Stanley. I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.
Meredith: Wait, Kathy gets to go? Why does she even still work here? Pam is back.
Oscar: It just feels like a slap in the face.
Dwight: I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.
Oscar: We're not questioning his reasons. I just want to know what they are.
Dwight: I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kind of random to me, but he was pretty clear. On who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.
Kevin: Well, he nailed it. Because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape.

- Who told you that?
- No, it was mutual.
- What is Pam doing chatting with you?
- You like candy?
- It's all right.
- 'Cause you're sweeter than candy. What is wrong with you?

Todd: A stripper is Bachelor Party 101. If you don't get a stripper, your party's gonna suck hard.
Michael: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual harassment.
Todd: Get one for the girls, too. That evens it out. Like, you know, seperate but equal.
Michael: So that's what that means.

Vikram: What kind of a name is Nana.
Pam: It means grandmother.
Vikram: Sweet Jesus.

Dwight: Michael... I can't believe you came.
Michael: [choking up] That's what she said.

Kelly: [after Michael reads out a memo] That's from Ryan? Does it mention if he's seeing anybody?
Michael: No, it doesn't. I'll find out tonight.
Stanley: Yes, please let us know.

Deangelo: [Deleted scene] Pinball machine, going to the break room! It will be quarter-less. You will not have to put quarters in it 'cause I don't want to hear any bitching and moaning that I didn't bring enough quarters to work to play pinball. Okay? You just reset it 'cause I don't want to hear about it!

- We done good in there, half-pint.
- Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it.
- Monkey. No. No.
- I have a fiancé
- I very much like.
- Hey! Hey!

- All right.
- And the winner is, by two votes, Sam and...
[Screams] What's going on?
- Hey, creed. Do you read Chinese?
- Better than English.
- What does this say?

- Sorry, so do we need to sign one or...
- Let's just wait and see what happens. Yeah.
- Let's just wait. What?
- Okay. Oh, okay.
- Great.
- Hey, Ryan, welcome back...
- Hold on one second.

- Hey, what's so captivating?
- I love captivating things, and this must really be captivating because it's keeping you off the phones.
- I mean, time is your money. That's how I know how captivating it is because of how much time you've spent talking.
Pam: Yourturn.

Michael: One minute left in the period and it's still no puck!
[he sees the ghost of Cherokee Jack]
Michael: Cherokee Jack.
Cherokee: I want you to take all of your frustrations with women, the system, with everything. Take it out on the puck. All on the puck.
Michael: Take it out on the puck.

- "As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend,
- "he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme."
- Lots more like that.
- Really repetitive.
- What's this?
- "2:45 behind the building, paintball."
- Oh!

Robert: [Speaking to Andy over the phone] You don't even know my real name. I'm the f**king Lizard King.

- Negafive.
- Three hundred boxes for me, zero for you chumps.
- Deal with it.
- Nice.
- Oh, oh, oh!
- Damn.

- Yeah, so you know what? Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight?
- Because there's a party.
- A party for the website I've been planning for two weeks.
- If you are not this tall, you may not ride the rollercoaster.
- See you guys tomorrow.
- Perfect. So let me just get some basic information from you.

- He's a bad cat. Bad, bad cat.
- Do you hear me?
- Bad. You are bad.
- No, you look at me when I talk to you.
- Do you hear me,
- Mr. Ash? Look at me.
- This is getting weird.
- Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue?

- The puffing of the chest.
- Mirroring.
- Increased blood flow to the crotch.
- I say we start there.
- With the crotch?
- With the crotch?
- With the crotch.

- We got to compile a list of our target clients.
- Already on it. I ordered them by their Google trend rankings, so we know who to hit first.
- Who is this guy?
[Laughs] We are killing it.
- Yes, sir! Yeah!

- Here we go.
- I will skip a turn.
- Okay, you're going to still have to play that bean, you know that.
- I need more time.
- Wallace sent an email about a meeting next week, he wants you both to respond.

Michael: [Hears everyone laughing] What's so funny?
Pam: You had to be there.
Michael: Oh, a geography joke.

Dwight: Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.

Ryan: I will have a glass of your oakiest Chardonnay, please.
Erin: And I will have a waffle with your mapliest syrup.

Dwight: ID badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Dwight: Animals, machines, vast virtual armies. All of these things I have successfully managed. The only thing I haven't managed, is people. I saw in an ad on the Sabre website for an open manager position in their printers division. I spoke to Robert California about it, and he said for me to come by and see him sometime. So, like a Spanish conquistador, I have come to Florida to claim what is rightfully mine.

Jim: I'm sure- I'm sure she's in a better place. I really hope so.
[Dwight is making a dirtball]
Jim: Okay, now this is crazy. You can't make a dirtball...
Dwight: [crying] I miss her so much.
[He screams and throws the dirtball in Jim's face]

Pam: Pobody's nerfect.

Dwight: When I was in the 6th grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word "failure."

- That was the perfect last Christmas party.
- All right, wish me luck.
- Good luck.
- You're going to be great.
- I'll call you when I get in.
- Okay. All right.
- Loveyou! Loveyou!

Dwight: And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.
Ryan: I don't think you know what you're saying.

Pam: [whispering] I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for... *at a dinner party*.

Ryan: You wanted to have sex in my office.
Pam: No.
Jim: Definitely not. That's disgusting.
Ryan: It's cool. Just um, try to put everything back where you found it. Text me when you're finished... I'll be out here.

Kevin: He didn't drop a single ball!

Kelly: It is so boring where we work. I mean, It's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue.
Michael: Hey, hey! It's as interesting as a morgue.

Carol: [regarding the new condo Michael is buying] It's a very gay-friendly neighborhood.
Michael: [unsure] Oh, good. That's good. It's good to be accomodating of that.
Dwight: Let's go check out the master bedroom.

Vikram: Confidence... It's the food of the wise man, but the liquor of the fool.

Dwight: And as of this morning, we are completely wireless here at Shrute Farms, but as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll get all that power back on.

- down in their headquarters at Langley for training and an ice cream social with the other agents.
- We should get him a bus ticket to make his trip easier.
[Typing] Oh, no, that would be great. We should try.
- It costs $75.
- Well, maybe the CIA could send a helicopter.

- Wait, from the photo shoot with you and me?
- Yeah, Dwight.
- No. No.
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- No, no, no, no, no. No!

Dwight: Tap into your common mind and tell us what he would do next.
Holly: Look, I'm not playing. I'm gonna go look for him
Erin: Good. We don't need her.
Dwight: Right. I can do this on my own. I can think like Michael. All right... I'm deep below the ocean's surface in a submarine. A torpedo's coming right at me. No. Damn it, that's just my own imagination.

Kevin: A fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea. So if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are you just might catch one.

Jim: I don't think I'm gonna miss being a manager. You know, some people say they're not in it for the money. Well, with all due respect to this job, I think I'm definitely in it for the money.

- Okay.
- Listen up, kid,
- I don't like you, but because some town in
- Switzerland says so, you have rights.
- I have to hang these.
- Why are you looking at her like that?

Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Michael: You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party.

Toby: Why would you need relocation if you already live in Scranton?
Merv: Well, I'd want to move further away. Just don't want any chance of running into my co-workers outside the office.
Jim: Can I ask why you're leaving you current job?
Merv: I'm leaving my other job because they were all jerks.

Erin: Don't tell Andy, because...
Nellie: He hates me, thinks I'm a monster. Should go back to Loch Ness.

Michael: [Speaking to Pam] This is a dream I've had since lunch, and I'm not giving up on it now.

- Which is my terrible segue into our course, expressive typography in new media.
- I'm in the wrong class.
- Some of you may remember from last semester, I am professor monahan.
- And it looks like I'm boring someone already.
- No, I just... please sit down.

- You in tight pants, Michael, are a salami to a black bear.
- Do you understand? Mmm-hmm.
[Scoffs] You're like a giant walking salami.
- Okay, so no salami in the pants.
- How about a pepperoni?
- Any kind of meat you can possibly name. Okay.

Jim: [to the camera crew] Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own seperate game. And it's called, "Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests." And they're both winning. So I am going to make a run for it.

- Michael, it's not how you leave an office. It's how you...
- Jim, Jim, Jim.
- We're having a company meeting here.
- I will bring all your stuff home. Okay.
- All right. I'll see you later.
- See you later.

- I really liked your karaoke idea.
- Oh, cool, yeah.
- That could really be fun.
- Youguysdoarafib? Thank you.
- Yeah, we do a raffle.
- Hey, kev. Hey.

Michael: I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael: Which one is that again?
Dwight: That's when they remove the uterus.
Michael: Oh, God! Dwight, no.

- that for the rest of our lives, no matter the cultural milieu,
- I will always be there to bring you some Christmas cheer.
[Singing] Deck the halls with boughs of Holly fa la la la la, la la la la
- 'tis the season to be jolly fa la la la la, la la la la
- Don we now our gay apparel fa la la, la la la troll the little old yuletide Carol

Dwight: May I have your attention please? This will only take a moment of your time. Although I love this company more than almost anything in the world, I have decided to step down from my post and spend more time with my family. I do not fear the unknown and I will meet my new challenges head-on and I will succeed. And I will laugh in the faces of those who doubt me. It has been a pleasure working with some of you and I will not forget those of you soon but remember, while today it is me, we all shall fall. In other words, I am quitting.

Creed: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s, I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain, and it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing.

Andy: Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please?
Stanley: Not again.
Andy: What do you mean "again"?
Stanley: You're always asking for our attention.
Andy: Well, maybe like a year ago.
Stanley: Mmm. Seems recent.
Andy: No, that's...
Oscar: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.
Andy: Everyone, I've noticed that we've not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.
Phyllis: Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
Stanley: World Cup. That's what I was thinking. You kept announcing scores.
Oscar: That's right.
Andy: It's the world's only international sport, so...

- There's one too many people there.
- Yournean, kewn? Exacfly.
- No, but you get it, right?
- I can't stay there.
- Yeah. I do.
- Come on.

Andy: You guys are supposed to have my back, okay? Instead, you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend.
Meredith: Hey boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks. I emailed him shots of my junk.

Creed: Today is actually my birthday and I want to pick the cake.
Jim: What do you want?
Creed: I want pie. I want peach pie.
Jim: You want birthday pie?
Creed: I want a nice cobbler.
Jim: I'll talk to Angela and we're going to see what we can do about a pie.
Creed: I don't care who you talk to you. Just make it happen.
Jim: It'll be Angela.
Creed: You tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.

Michael: [arguing] Man, I would love to burn your candles!
Jan: You burn it, you buy it!
Michael: Oh, good, I'll be your first customer!
Jan: You're hardly my first.
Michael: That's what she said!
[Jan picks up one of Michael's Dundie awards and throws it at his $200 plasma screen TV]

- June. Summer.
- So, that'll be nice.
- And that's that.
- What? Oh, nothing.
- Jim's been looking at me, kind of, a lot all week.
- I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.

- Sure. So...
- So maybe you should come back.
- You should come back. Please.
- I don't wanna do your laundry anymore.
- We can talk about that.
- All right.

Andy: I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.

- I think that for you to have come here even expecting that we could have a conversation like this shows how self-deluded you are.
- Michael, your memory has failed you greatly.
- Jerk.

- What the hell?
- It's okay, guys.
- She's no longer horny.
Andy: Excuse me, dirty birdie.
- What?
- You can have this back at the end of the day.
- Okay.

- And why don't you just take a couple hours. Office is yours.
- Home alone, risky business.
- Take your pants off, run around.
- Whatever you want to do.
- I'm just going to take a nap in my car till work starts.
- Okay.
- See? Healthier, got to watch those carbs.

Michael: There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians: JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head. And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.

Deangelo: There he is! Got you coffee.
Dwight: Oh, wow! Thank you. That was so kind of you.
[Dwight puts his coffee in the trash bin]
Deangelo: Not a coffee guy, I take it, huh?
Dwight: It's just that I own the coffee shop. So, once you've seen sausage being made, all you want to do is make sausage, because it's so much fun.
Deangelo: Listen. I've got a sixer. Automatic for the People on the jukebox. Let's hit the park after sundown, come on. Pick up some sausage if you want.
Dwight: [Dwight points to Oscar] I think you'll find what you're looking for over there.
Deangelo: [Talking head] No matter how many times I reach out to Dwight, he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me. It reminds me of my relationship with my son, except there, I'm the Dwight.

Robert: Have you ever used Sabre electronics Jim? They're cheap, they're unintuitive. The Sabre store would work if we adopted the carnival model of leaving town once everyone is wise to us.

Dwight: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat. Couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.

Michael: [deleted scene] Do I need to speak up?
[grabs boom microphone]
Michael: Hello.

- Dwight, get this bus moving.
- Next stop, Laverne's pies tires fixed also!
- Oh, yes!
- So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh?
- Get your foot behind the yellow line.
- You got it.

- Man. Tgi Wednesday.
- Am I right?
- Gonna go home, get my beer on, get my lost on.
- What're you doing later?
- You wanna hang out?
- Oh, I don't know, maybe.
- Well, I'll take that as a maybe.

- Maybe you could come by my office at like 4:45?
- Cool.
- Okay. [Clears throat]
- Okay, everybody, be prepared to be scared.
- Okay.

- And he's a perfect match.
- Hey, big tuna, you ready?
- One, two, three, shot!
- Oh, holy mother of god...
Andy: Oh, that burns!
Andy: Golly... that's good...

[during the intervention, Michael reads questions to Meredith]
Michael: "Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church?"
Oscar: Where did you get this?
Michael: I got it on a website. That's not important.

- Bye. Good luck.
- Good luck to you. Bye.
- Do good. Do good.
- Bye. Have fun.
- We're proud of you.

Jim: What a great year for the Dundies. We got to see Ping and we learned Michael's true feelings for Ryan, which was touching. And we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs, which, for me, has ruined them for life.

Dwight: When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

Jim: I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't going to sweep themselves.

- Here.
- Just buy it from me.
- I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird.
- And I really wanna know what the hell's going on with Dwight.

- Well, then I won't get a warranty.
- Wait. So, that's the problem, it's solved. What?
- Neighbor: I don't hear you practicing.
[Whispering] Listen.
- Can you hear that?
- Oh, man, these babies are thin.

- What's wrong?
- Where's your costume?
- It's a uniform.
- And I turned it in today when
- I tendered my resignation.
- Why? What...
- I took an oath when I was sworn in.
- And I broke that oath today.

GPS: Make a right turn.
[Michael starts to turn right]
Dwight: Wait, wait, no no no, it means "bear right." Up there.
Michael: No, it said right. It said take a right.
Dwight: No, no. Look, it means go up to the right -- bear right -- over the bridge, and hook up with 307.
GPS: Make a right turn.
Michael: Maybe it's a shortcut, Dwight. It said go to the right.
[he turns right]
Dwight: It can't mean that, there's a lake there!
GPS: Proceed straight.
Michael: I think it knows where it is going.
Dwight: This is the lake! THIS IS THE LAKE!
Michael: The machine knows! Stop yelling at me! Stop yelling!
Dwight: NO! IT'S UP THERE! THERE'S NO ROAD HERE!
[It's too late. Michael drives right into the lake]
Dwight: Remain calm, I have trained for this!
[he unbuckles his seat belt]
Dwight: Okay. Exit the window! Here we go!
[Dwight and Michael climb out the windows]
GPS: Make a u-turn, if possible.

- I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure I'm in a dance-off.
- Cafe disco is dead, but I can still hear the music in my head.
- I hear it, too, boss.

Michael: All right, let me ask you this. Tell me if this is creative: when I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this is before I had even... heard of one or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse that could fly over rainbows and had a huge spike in its head. I was five. Five years old! Couldn't even talk yet!

Dwight: Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. You have to snare it. And then you have to tame it. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it. Lovingly, the way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Dwight: [delusional] You can't fire me. I don't work in this van.

Pam: The thing about Jim is when he's excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens.

- Pa m: I was expecting a severance, some time off.
- But maybe this is good.
- Finding another job is a pain.
- There's another annoying boss, another desk.
- I'd have to learn everything all over again.
- So, there are reasons to stay.

- from himself from the future.
- "Dwight, at 8:00 am. Today someone poisons the coffee.
- "Do not drink the coffee.
- More instructions will follow.
- "Cordially, future Dwight."
- You'll thank me later.

Michael: Today is my b-day and people around here just go crazy for it, I don't know why. Oh, fun fact: I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So I've a perfect ice breaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher.

Dwight: Oh, hey, Jim, I forgot to mention. Oftentimes, in Hollywood portrayals of bachelor parties, there are accidental murders. That won't be necessary tonight.
Clark: Great, now we got three hours to fill.

- I will see you tomorrow at lunch.
- I am looking forward to lunch.
- And hearing about what a great boss I am.
- You got it.
- Okay.
- Okay.

- in the breakfast club.
- No, no. I don't think anybody wants to see that.
- I can do the evolution of dance dance.
- That sounds good.
- Do you need some music or...
- No, actually, music would just throw me off.
- Okay. I need complete shence, okay?

- to sharpen your decision making.
- Okay, I am not dying here. Come on.
Angela: What is that?
- What is that?
- The fire's shooting at us!
- What in the name of god is going on?
- I'm trying to...

Nellie: I did everything but unzip their pants for them.