30 Best Brianna Hanson Quotes

Mallory: [proofing-reading his vows] It's just a bit cold. You titled it "Robert v. Sol."
Robert: The V is for vows, it's funny. It's like a joke, I mean, we're lawyers?
Brianna: I'm confused. Did you want him to sign this?
Robert: Oh, come on, it's not that bad. Uh, well, what about the addendum? I mean, that's pure comedy gold.
Mallory: You mean here where you cite precedent?
Robert: Mm-hmm.
Mallory: It's well-reasoned. Are you suing him for his love?
Robert: I told you it wasn't ready...

Brianna: I don't need your help.
Grace: Oh, fine. Okay, what's your plan?
Brianna: Is this about Walden Villas? Because we never appropriately processed that. Let's have a girls' weekend. Just you, and Frankie, and Mallory... and I'll stay here.

Nicole: So I'm guessing you don't have any dependents.
Brianna: Excuse me. We have a dog.
Barry: And friends of mine took my sperm.
Nicole: I'm putting "no". So, uh, Barry, uh, how would you define your relationship?
Barry: I'd say we're two unwed people who live together and aren't allowed to eat each other's leftovers.
Nicole: So I'll put "roommates".

Brianna: [prepping Grace for her magazine interview] So, the article is about older women who are still dynamic in the workplace. So, find a way to mention Snapchat and where you were during Pearl Harbor. It's a delicate dance.

Brianna: [brainstorming revenge] We could smoke all of Frankie's pot.
Grace: I promised her if I ever smoked the pot I would do it with her.
Brianna: Or it's a double "fuck you."
Grace: I don't care for that language... But fuck her!

Brianna: How do I write nice things about a woman who volunteered with the mentally disabled because they're "easy to beat at cards"?
Sol: We could say she "gave of herself."
Brianna: Oh, okay. I can do that. And what's another term for if, like, a dry heave were a person?
Sol: "Stoic."
Brianna: She kept a silent, cold house, and slowly whittled my grandfather down to a nub"?
Sol: Um "Proud Reader's Digest subscriber"?
Brianna: "She confidently sported a mustache"?
Grace: [coming in from outside] She was stately.

Robert: Well, it is what it is.
Brianna: Great talk, dad

Mallory: Oh my God, what am I going to tell my kids?
Brianna: Why don't you start with do you know where poop comes from?

Mallory: No worries. I'm just gonna bring out the spectacular thing that I had planned. I was going to build to it, but let's just skip the foreplay, move right to the orgasm, and send everyone on their way!
Brianna: That's the first thing about this party that reflects who I am.

Brianna: I lost both my virginities in this house, it's my house.

Brianna: We're not going to We're not firing you, Mallory. Barry wants to fire you.
Mallory: But you're not paying me.
Brianna: I know and that's why we're not doing it, Barry. It's a bad idea.

Nwabudike: I lied to my mother for the first time in my adult life because of you and I'm not even allowed to be mad.
Sol: Why not?
Nwabudike: 'Cause you're gay! If you had been fucking around with women for the last 20 years, we wouldn't even be here eating cake!
Brianna: [under her breath] Say it in there, and it comes out here.

Brianna: This is the poncho that Frankie made for me. I love it. Love it so hard.
Frankie: Yeah, well you're wearing it backwards. And truthfully, you don't have the body for it.
Brianna: Frankie, I'm trying here.
Frankie: We have a relationship to repair. We can't just throw yarn at it.

Brianna: I like you, you like my dog, we both hate Sharon. Why isn't that enough?

Grace: Im just trying to keep my coffee down.
Mallory: Mom, is there anything we can do?
Grace: Uh-uh.
Brianna: How about a Valium?
Grace: Two.

Barry: The part I find particularly unfunny is that the only reason you agreed to become a guardian is because you thought it was never gonna happen.
Brianna: Yeah. That's why everyone agrees to be a guardian.

Brianna: Work the numbers. Crunchy, crunchy. Typie, typie.

Sol: Where are you going?
Brianna: To my own house, Sol. Where I live. To take my medication.
Sol: What is it? Maybe we have it.
Brianna: It's a very delicate balance of cannabis, 12-year Scotch, and Zoloft.

Brianna: [lamenting the breakout] And what did he really give up for me, anyway?
Mallory: Marriage and kids...
Adam: Cuddling and foreplay...

Brianna: I bet I can find three things in your purse that have palm oil in them.
Frankie: Joke's on you. I can't find my purse.

Nwabudike: The game: You get a riddle. When you figure it out, it becomes a clue, which takes you to an object, which becomes another riddle, which will take you to the last clue, which will take you to the last object, which has the answer to the big question.
Brianna: [holding up her phone] Or we could just call your doctor and find out. Allison, what's your last name?
Allison: Giampietro-Smikowitz.
Brianna: Perfect.
[starts dialing]
Allison: But it won't work. Our doctor respects the hunt. We set up a safe word.

Nwabudike: [Nwabudike and Coyote surprise Brianna while her movie date is away] So what's this guy's deal? Does he smell like a cat?
Coyote: Does he have a cat?
Nwabudike: Is he a cat?
Brianna: Yes, he's a cat and his name is "Go to a different fucking movie!"
Coyote: It's not going to fucking happen.

Brianna: [laying down the rules] My office is mine. My assistant is mine. If you want to criticize me, do it privately. You want to criticize me privately, do it slow enough so that I can think of comebacks. You cannot wear red. It's my power color.
Grace: Are you done?
Brianna: No, not even close.

Barry: Do you remember how I used to be terrified of you just like everybody else?
Brianna: Fondly.
Barry: This one day I saw you strutting all hot and cocky down the hallway, until you walked right into a trash can.
Brianna: Doesn't sound like me at all, but I'll entertain it.
Barry: And you were clearly horrified, and relieved when you thought no one saw you. I mean, you were such a colossal loser in that moment.
Brianna: And you're telling me now, in this moment, because...
Barry: Because it was adorable. It made me smile the whole day. And the next day, I asked you out.

Brianna: [after Dan punched the short rib] Jordy, more wine!

Brianna: The bad news is that the email did go wide. The good news is that it was auto-corrected.
Nwabudike: Uh-huh.
Mallory: Oh, God, what did it say?
Brianna: [reading] "Dear Beloved Guzzle, Vin Diesel fucked Frankie, and Robert hatha yard attack, be causal bleeds, Sausalito, California every day."
Nwabudike: Oh, my God, I am so relieved it was Vin Diesel who slept with my mom.

Mallory: What do you have against tiny houses?
Brianna: What don't I have against tiny houses? Look, I'm all for sustainable living, I don't need some smug, whimsy-loving tiny-house fascist making me feel guilty because I don't care to sleep sitting up!
Mallory: That's harsh.
Brianna: Oh, is it? Or is "harsh" cooking Brussels sprouts on your stove-top and then hot-boxing yourself to death with your own farts? Know what show I wanna watch? Tiny House Hunters, Hunters!

Grace: Here's what I'm thinking. I want to try to make it up to you by offering you something you could really use.
Brianna: A boyfriend who doesn't talk?

Brianna: [about his vow writing] Let's hear what you have.
Robert: [laboriously] Sol, I wonder... That's all I've got.
Brianna: Oh. So the end kind of peters out...

Sol: Barry's a catch. He's so nice and funny and tall. What is he, six-foot-four?
Brianna: Sol, I already have lesbians after him. Don't need you as well.