Top 30 Quotes From June Diane Raphael

Brianna: The bad news is that the email did go wide. The good news is that it was auto-corrected.
Nwabudike: Uh-huh.
Mallory: Oh, God, what did it say?
Brianna: [reading] "Dear Beloved Guzzle, Vin Diesel fucked Frankie, and Robert hatha yard attack, be causal bleeds, Sausalito, California every day."
Nwabudike: Oh, my God, I am so relieved it was Vin Diesel who slept with my mom.

Nwabudike: I lied to my mother for the first time in my adult life because of you and I'm not even allowed to be mad.
Sol: Why not?
Nwabudike: 'Cause you're gay! If you had been fucking around with women for the last 20 years, we wouldn't even be here eating cake!
Brianna: [under her breath] Say it in there, and it comes out here.

Brianna: Work the numbers. Crunchy, crunchy. Typie, typie.

Barry: The part I find particularly unfunny is that the only reason you agreed to become a guardian is because you thought it was never gonna happen.
Brianna: Yeah. That's why everyone agrees to be a guardian.

Mallory: What do you have against tiny houses?
Brianna: What don't I have against tiny houses? Look, I'm all for sustainable living, I don't need some smug, whimsy-loving tiny-house fascist making me feel guilty because I don't care to sleep sitting up!
Mallory: That's harsh.
Brianna: Oh, is it? Or is "harsh" cooking Brussels sprouts on your stove-top and then hot-boxing yourself to death with your own farts? Know what show I wanna watch? Tiny House Hunters, Hunters!

Brianna: [brainstorming revenge] We could smoke all of Frankie's pot.
Grace: I promised her if I ever smoked the pot I would do it with her.
Brianna: Or it's a double "fuck you."
Grace: I don't care for that language... But fuck her!

Mallory: [proofing-reading his vows] It's just a bit cold. You titled it "Robert v. Sol."
Robert: The V is for vows, it's funny. It's like a joke, I mean, we're lawyers?
Brianna: I'm confused. Did you want him to sign this?
Robert: Oh, come on, it's not that bad. Uh, well, what about the addendum? I mean, that's pure comedy gold.
Mallory: You mean here where you cite precedent?
Robert: Mm-hmm.
Mallory: It's well-reasoned. Are you suing him for his love?
Robert: I told you it wasn't ready...

Barry: Do you remember how I used to be terrified of you just like everybody else?
Brianna: Fondly.
Barry: This one day I saw you strutting all hot and cocky down the hallway, until you walked right into a trash can.
Brianna: Doesn't sound like me at all, but I'll entertain it.
Barry: And you were clearly horrified, and relieved when you thought no one saw you. I mean, you were such a colossal loser in that moment.
Brianna: And you're telling me now, in this moment, because...
Barry: Because it was adorable. It made me smile the whole day. And the next day, I asked you out.

Brianna: How do I write nice things about a woman who volunteered with the mentally disabled because they're "easy to beat at cards"?
Sol: We could say she "gave of herself."
Brianna: Oh, okay. I can do that. And what's another term for if, like, a dry heave were a person?
Sol: "Stoic."
Brianna: She kept a silent, cold house, and slowly whittled my grandfather down to a nub"?
Sol: Um "Proud Reader's Digest subscriber"?
Brianna: "She confidently sported a mustache"?
Grace: [coming in from outside] She was stately.

Nwabudike: [Nwabudike and Coyote surprise Brianna while her movie date is away] So what's this guy's deal? Does he smell like a cat?
Coyote: Does he have a cat?
Nwabudike: Is he a cat?
Brianna: Yes, he's a cat and his name is "Go to a different fucking movie!"
Coyote: It's not going to fucking happen.

Mallory: Oh my God, what am I going to tell my kids?
Brianna: Why don't you start with do you know where poop comes from?

Nwabudike: [after a disastrous round of charades] I BEGGED you to read Harry Potter.
Coyote: Well, it was scary.
Brianna: That round was pitiful. Suspiciously pitiful.
Robert: I agree. How do we know you're not still letting us win?
Nwabudike: We're not. These two are dead weight!
Sol: [defensively] Excuse me for temporarily blanking on Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
Robert: All right. Fine, that was a hard one. But how do you explain what happened with "first man on the moon"?
Coyote: Buzz Lightyear and Stretch Armstrong are totally legitimate guesses.

Brianna: [prepping Grace for her magazine interview] So, the article is about older women who are still dynamic in the workplace. So, find a way to mention Snapchat and where you were during Pearl Harbor. It's a delicate dance.

Grace: Im just trying to keep my coffee down.
Mallory: Mom, is there anything we can do?
Grace: Uh-uh.
Brianna: How about a Valium?
Grace: Two.

Sadie: [to Schmidt] ... You have earned the rank of, and I will use the phrase you coined, vagenius.

Inspector: Cabbie's been shot three blocks from the Presidio.
Dave: Mm-hmm. Well, it wasn't me. I've been with my bride all night. She can vouch.
Mrs. Toschi: I'll go put on the Folger's.
Inspector: You'll pick me up?
Dave: Let me just describe the lamp you're gonna buy me.

Sadie: [to Schmidt] Did you just hear the words 'lesbian community' and come running out of your room?

Brianna: [laying down the rules] My office is mine. My assistant is mine. If you want to criticize me, do it privately. You want to criticize me privately, do it slow enough so that I can think of comebacks. You cannot wear red. It's my power color.
Grace: Are you done?
Brianna: No, not even close.

Brianna: [at Frankie's art opening] We are just celebrating the fact that I'm going to buy one of your paintings.
Frankie: Oh, really? Which one spoke to you?
Brianna: The second least expensive one.
Frankie: Uh-huh.
Mallory: And Mitch is so sad he's missing this, he said to get one to bring home.
Frankie: Oh, cut the crap, you two. Nobody's buying any paintings. I don't mean "nobody," I mean you people. No family can buy art. I don't want any part of your pity ponchos or your pity purchases. If you love a piece, I will give it to you free of charge. And "free of charge" does not include delivery.

Brianna: I want a man who's there when I want him and gone when I don't, and is affectionate, not too much, and has great hair and good hygiene.
Frankie: You are describing a dog.

Brianna: I don't need your help.
Grace: Oh, fine. Okay, what's your plan?
Brianna: Is this about Walden Villas? Because we never appropriately processed that. Let's have a girls' weekend. Just you, and Frankie, and Mallory... and I'll stay here.

Brianna: I like you, you like my dog, we both hate Sharon. Why isn't that enough?

Nwabudike: The game: You get a riddle. When you figure it out, it becomes a clue, which takes you to an object, which becomes another riddle, which will take you to the last clue, which will take you to the last object, which has the answer to the big question.
Brianna: [holding up her phone] Or we could just call your doctor and find out. Allison, what's your last name?
Allison: Giampietro-Smikowitz.
Brianna: Perfect.
[starts dialing]
Allison: But it won't work. Our doctor respects the hunt. We set up a safe word.

Brianna: [about his vow writing] Let's hear what you have.
Robert: [laboriously] Sol, I wonder... That's all I've got.
Brianna: Oh. So the end kind of peters out...

Suze: You know what I just realized, this kid has no mom. If he died here today there would be no mommy to morn him.
Trish: And no mommy to press charges.
Steve: How did this get so dark?

Brianna: This is the poncho that Frankie made for me. I love it. Love it so hard.
Frankie: Yeah, well you're wearing it backwards. And truthfully, you don't have the body for it.
Brianna: Frankie, I'm trying here.
Frankie: We have a relationship to repair. We can't just throw yarn at it.

Robert: Well, it is what it is.
Brianna: Great talk, dad

Nicole: So I'm guessing you don't have any dependents.
Brianna: Excuse me. We have a dog.
Barry: And friends of mine took my sperm.
Nicole: I'm putting "no". So, uh, Barry, uh, how would you define your relationship?
Barry: I'd say we're two unwed people who live together and aren't allowed to eat each other's leftovers.
Nicole: So I'll put "roommates".

Brianna: Jeez, Mom. What?
Grace: It's healthy.
Brianna: It's microwave dinner for one at 4:30. It's an edible suicide note.

Brianna: [lamenting the breakout] And what did he really give up for me, anyway?
Mallory: Marriage and kids...
Adam: Cuddling and foreplay...