The Best Dr. Steiner Quotes

Coroner: The only other time that I have been in a room like this was to examine a man who died accidentally in the middle of an auto-erotic ritual.
Patrick: Well I bet he died with a smile on his face.

Coroner: [Last words] Patrick. Thank you.

Coroner: Please maintain a distance of at least 3 steps from the body.
Patrick: Why?
Coroner: Because this body is a No-Jane Zone. It will not be a playground for you. You will not touch it, or sniff it, or place playing card on it or borrow it for an interrogation. If you do, a deputy will remove you. Clear?
Patrick: That's a little harsh, Doc.
Coroner: You've driven me to desperate measures.

Coroner: [after Steiner was atttacked] Jane, was this you?
Patrick: Wh-?
Coroner: Another trick?
Patrick: Oh -.
Teresa: Jane had nothing to do with this. Nothing at all.
[Steiner leaves]
Teresa: You didn't did you?
Patrick: Of course not!
Teresa: Swear on your life?
Patrick: On your life even.
Teresa: Damn it! Who steals a body?

Coroner: You're the consultant that pretends to read minds, aren't you?
Patrick: No. I don't pretend to read minds, I *do* read minds. Don't we all look at Lisbon and see what she's thinking.
Teresa: No kidding.
Patrick: And I can see what you're thinking right now.
Coroner: I was thinking that you, sir, are a bumptious fool, and I was wondering exactly what training in forensic pathology you have.
Patrick: Ah. But right before that, you were wondering whether you would choose Lisbon or Van Pelt as your concubine in that little fantasy kingdom you like to visit sometimes.

Patrick: Dr Schneider. Long time. New threads. Sharp.
Dr. Schenider: Yes. The move from Sacramento has been quite pleasant. Fine wine. Lovely weather. No Patrick Jane.

Patrick: By the way, looks like there's something in his left front pant pocket.
Coroner: [Steiner removes the note and reads it aloud] "You're about to think 'What the Hell? How did Jane - do that?"
[pause. To Jane]
Coroner: How did you do that?

Coroner: You detectives always want the instant answers. What I do is science. Science will uncover the truth. But she will be precise, methodical, and take her time, before she renders her decision.
Wayne: Wonder if science can remove the stick from his butt.
Coroner: I heard that!

Patrick: [Steiner has ordered him to step back from the body] Well, I'm nothing if I'm not respectful of my fellow crime fighters, but I can see everything I need to from here anyway.
Coroner: Really?
Patrick: Hmm.
Coroner: What exactly do you see?
Patrick: He's in money, but not a banker. Something more aggressive; stocks or such. Social drinker; increased his intake lately, so under some pressure. A registered Independent, though always votes Republican. And as much money as he has, his wife has more.
Coroner: Ridiculous.
Patrick: He chose the tasteless tasseled loafers, she bought the opal inlay sterling silver cuff links.
Coroner: Guesses. You might as well say he's going to meet a tall, dark stranger.
Patrick: That's very unlikely, Doctor. He's dead.