Top 1000 Quotes From Glee

Rachel: That was amazing. I've never had meat substitute before that tasted that much like real meat.
Finn: Of course...
[under his breath]
Finn: because you're a vegan, which I remember because we know each other so well...
[aloud]
Finn: More sparkling cider?

Sandy: He's here, he's here! Josh Groban is here! Front row, big brown eyes, cute as a buttermilk biscuit. I barfed.

Rachel: Well, I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't look like anyone gonna be joining us, so I think we should just call it a day.
Will: We said 3:00 to 5:00. It's only 4:58.
Finn: Just wait. My buddy Sam's gonna try out. He totally idolizes me.
Kurt: [as they all start to leave] Oh, face it, Finn. You're no longer the quarterback. You're not the Pied Piper anymore. No one's gonna follow you around thinking everything you do is cool.

Principal: I need those parents happy! They found out we've been serving the children prison food.

Brittany S. Pierce: I don't smell raspberry hair gel. Does anyone know where Blaine Warbler is?

Josh: So, which one of you is, uh... Sandy?
Sandy: [raising his hand] Ooh! Mr. Groban, we are so honored that you came here today.
Josh: I came here to tell you...
Sandy: Yes, sir?
Josh: Stop e-mailing me. This is a restraining order. Stop sending me nude photos. Stop calling me. I don't know how you got my number! I don't know how you got my number again after I changed it, but I don't want any more of your edible gift baskets or locks of your hair, and I don't want to read any more of those sonnets you wrote for me.
Flex,: That stuff got crazy, dude.
Josh: Are we clear?

Artie: Britney plus nitrous gave me an amazing idea, and it gave me the nerve to tell Coach Beiste that Finn and I both really want to be on the team.
Rachel: Wait. You're back on the football team?
Finn: Yeah.
Santana: Suddenly, you're way hotter to me. Weird.
Noah: Wait. I don't get it. How come everyone's having Britney Spears fantasies?
Artie: The nitrous oxide dentists use is a mild hallucinogen. Studies have proven that it induces vivid dreams, often the last thing the patient thinks of. The subconscious moves to the forefront. Since we've all been thinking so much about Britney, it only stands to reason.

Emma: We've got a problem. They're doing all of our numbers. The kids are completely freaking out. Artie keeps ramming himself into the wall and I think Jacob Ben Israel just wet himself.

Sue: Shuester! Well played, sir. I underestimated you. Alright, heres what happens now. Im gonna head on down to my condo in boca, brown up a bit, get myself into fighting shape - then Im gonna return to this school even more hellbent on your destruction. Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Shuester; you are about to board the Sue Sylvester express. Destination: HORROR!
Will: I look forward to it, Sue.
Sue: You know, you just woke a sleeping giant. Prepare to be crushed!

Rachel: I need to enlist the services of the A/V Club.
Artie: What did you have in mind?
Rachel: My shame at appearing so low on the Glist has made me re-evaluate my image at this school and beyond. I've now realized that in today's culture of bad boy athletes and celebrity sex tapes, a good reputation is no good at all. Artie, you know how our Glee Club assignment was to find a song with a bad reputation and rehabilitate it? Well, mine is going to afford me the worst reputation in this school. Rachel Berry is going to get a little down and dirty.
Artie: I'm going to stop you. You had me at "sex tape". How can I help?

Mercedes: How do you know for sure? You can't prove that there is no God.
Kurt: You can't prove there isn't a magic teapot floating around the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs; but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?
Brittany: Is God an evil dwarf?

Finn: Mr. Shue, I have something to say. Something happened to me, and I can't really get into it, but it's shaking me to my core.
Noah: Oh my God, he's coming out.
Finn: Well, yes, there is a man who's sort of recently come into my life, and that man is Jesus Christ.
[Rachel looks at him with her eyes and mouth wide open]
Noah: That's way worse.

Kurt: [whispers] Psst... He's on Team Gay. No straight boy dyes his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993.
Mercedes: You're crazy, circa 2010.

Will: Hey, Dave. Talk to you for a second?
Dave: Look, I know I'm bad. Can you just spare me, so we can get through this?
Will: That's not what I was gonna say at all. You're actually really good. If you took that energy you used bullying people and put into this, you'd be one of the most talented guys in the school. Just think about it.

Kurt: I don't like you.
[Straightforward with a smile on his face]
Sebastian: Fun!
[Not breaking eye contact, he smiles back]
Sebastian: I don't like you either.
Kurt: I don't like the way you talk to my boyfriend.
[Sebastian crosses his arms his smile turning into a grinj]
Kurt: I don't like your smirky little meerkat face. I don't like your obnoxious CW hair. I'm on to you.
Sebastian: Let's get a few things straight: Blaine's too good for you, New Directions is a joke and one of us has a hard luck case of the "Gay Face"
[shaking his head]
Sebastian: and it ain't me. Odds are by the end of the school year, I'll have Blaine and a Nationals trophy, and you'll have khakis and a Lima Bean apron and that gay face.
Kurt: [With a pasted smile on his face and a laugh] You smell like Craig's List.
Blaine: [Coming up suddenly and sitting back down] What are you guys talking about?
[Kurt and Sebastian both relax]

Roz: Sue, you can't have no baby. You are old as a hill. You ain't gonna give birth to no child; you gonna give birth to a grandchild. You gonna get in them stirrups, and you gonna push and push, and a full-grown adult gonna pop out with a briefcase and a job talking on a cellphone. What you need to do is start praying that you give birth to a child that likes to eat sand 'cause that's all that's coming out of them old, wrinkly boobs.

Mercedes: I don't see anything wrong with getting a little church up in here.
Quinn: I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks.
Santana: Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard baby?

Carole: Finn, what's going on?
[he awkwardly sits up]
Carole: What are you doing?
Finn: Uh, nothing.
Carole: Were you just singing to a sonogram?
Finn: Uh-huh.
Carole: Is Quinn pregnant?

Kurt: You see, Mr. Schue? I told you. Britney Spears busted our Brit out of her everyday, fragmented haze of confusion and gave her the confidence to step up and perform.
Brittany: I'm more talented than all of you. I see that clearly now. It's Brittany, bitch.
Will: Guys, we're not doing Britney Spears, and that's that.
Kurt: Mr. Schue, you're letting your own personal issues get in the way of something that we are all telling you we really want to do. I mean, this club regularly pays tribute to pop culture, and Britney Spears *is* pop culture! To suggest otherwise is heretical!
Will: Kurt! I'm done talking about this!
Kurt: Jeez! Let loose a little, would you? Stop being so frickin' uptight all the time!
[shocked silence]
Will: Kurt... I'll see you in the principal's office.

Blaine: We met right here, I took this man's hand and we ran down that hallway. And for those of you that know me know I'm not in the habit of taking people's hands I've never met before, but... I think that my soul knew something that my body and my mind didn't know yet. It knew that our hands were meant to hold each other, fearlessly and forever. Which is why it's never really felt like I've been getting to know you, it's always felt like I was remembering you from something. As if in every lifetime that you and I have ever lived we've chosen to come back and find each other and fall in love all over again, over and over for all eternity. And I just feel so lucky that I found you so soon in this lifetime because all I want to do, all I've ever wanted to do, is spend my life loving you. So, Kurt Hummel, my amazing friend, my one true love, will you marry me?

Dr. Carl Howell: Will, you grind your teeth?
Will: I... I don't think so.
Dr. Carl Howell: [his phone buzzes] Damn it.
Emma: What? What's wrong?
Dr. Carl Howell: Another teenager needs a root canal. I swear, not one student in this school is going to have their teeth by the time they're 30.

Quinn: You're a hypocrite.
Sue: Excuse me?
Quinn: I just heard that you got Glee Club's amateur status revoked over a mattress. While you are constantly showering the Cheerios with swag. I've gotten free shoes, complimentary tanning, haircuts. The season tickets to Cedar Point, we sold those on eBay. For a profit. Seems to me that if Figgins found out, you would get banned from competition.
Sue: Fine. You're back on the Cheerios. I'll put you on full-time dry cleaning duty and shove you to the back of the photo to hide your shame.
Quinn: I'm not finished. Glee Club get a full page photo.
Sue: That's not up to me.
Quinn: You are giving up one of the Cheerios' *six* pages and you are giving it to the Glee Club free of charge.
Sue: You know, Q, I'd forgotten just how ruthless you really are. You're like a young Sue Sylvester. Now get out of my office. If you can manage to squeeze through the door without your water breaking all over my new carpet.
Quinn: [turning to leave, then stopping] You know what? I don't think I want to be a Cheerio after all. I don't want to be on a team where I only appear to belong. I'd rather be a part of a club that's proud to have me, like Glee Club.

Brittany: I have pepperoni in my bra.
Santana: Those are your nipples!

Burt: [after Klaine and Brittana exchange rings] And now by the power vested in me by the internet and by the State of Indiana and the power of God who if you believe in God will endorse the love of these two happy couples I now pronounce you
[turning to Santana and Brittany]
Burt: wife and wife
[turning to Kurt and Blaine]
Burt: and husband and husband. You may now kiss each other.
[Both couples kiss each other before joining hands and releasing doves into the air behind them with everyone cheering]

Mr. McClung: More mail for you, Sue. But I think there might be some... some hate mail mixed in from your editorial on littering.
Sue: Well, Mr. McClung, your station didn't hire me because I was yella. Not everyone's going to have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance, but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage.

Finn: I have to confess something. I'm the reason Sam got hurt. I asked for three things to happen: one, for us to win our first football game, two, to get to second base with Rachel, and three, to be the quarterback on the football team again. All those three things happened because I prayed for them to Grilled Cheesus.
Emma: [unsure what to say] Okay. Where to start?
Finn: No, no, I know it sounds crazy, but it isn't. Jesus appeared to me on a sandwich, and it has special powers, I'm telling you. But I didn't mean for anybody to get hurt.
Emma: Okay. Okay, let's just... let's take a second. Okay? Um... look, first, you won the football game because you actually have a coach who spends the game watching the plays rather than biting his toenails. And God didn't let you touch Rachel's boobs. Rachel did.
Finn: Just the sides of them, but wait, why would she do that?
Emma: Well, what were you doing right before you were... touching them?
[seeing his expression]
Emma: What?
Finn: I remember yawning. Right, 'cause we were talking about emotional stuff.
Emma: Oh, yes, well, there you go. That's it. Girls like that. She felt close to you, thus the inappropriate touching. Uh, more importantly, you didn't hurt Sam. It was a 300 pound left tackle who just got expelled because he's on steroids and he's 23. God works in all kinds of mysterious ways, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't spend a lot of time trying to speak to us through sandwiches. You look disappointed.
Finn: I am. It was sort of cool feeling like I had this direct line to God. Now I just feel like everybody else, you know, like we're all just floating around in space. I don't like that.
Emma: You're not alone. The big questions are really big for a reason: they're hard. But you know what? Absolutely everybody struggles with them.

Rachel: Mr. Schuester is right. We can't get complacent.
Mercedes: Chill out. I already picked the songs. We're gonna do a mash-up of "Halo" and "Walking on Sunshine".
Rachel: Yeah, that was my idea.
Mercedes: Whatever. Come on. We can do this in our sleep. You think those six dudes are gonna give us any competition? I say we just wing it.
Rachel: We can't just wing it.
Mercedes: All those in favor of winging it?
[nobody moves or replies]
Mercedes: All those opposed?
[Rachel raises her hand]
Mercedes: Looks like the ayes have it.

Quinn: I wanted to ask you a favor, actually, Coach. I would love to rejoin the Cheerios.
Sue: I beg your pardon?
Quinn: It's my senior year and I want to finish high school in a Cheerios uniform with a national championship. I mean, other than Glee, this was the rest of my high school experience.
Sue: Well, I'm sorry, Q, but that wouldn't be fair to the girls who've been practicing all year long who didn't quit. And if you'll now please get the hell out of my office. I just caught a whiff of hot dog water wafting in from the cafeteria, and I think I'm going to blow some serious chunks.

Blaine: You were right. Our first time shouldn't be like that. I was drunk and I'm Sorry
Kurt: Well it sure beats the last time you were drunk and made out with Rachel.
[They both laugh at the memory]

Will: April is amazing. But she's not in the glee club anymore. It... I, uh... I screwed up bringing her here. It was about me, and Glee Club is supposed to be about you guys. You don't need her to be great.
Mercedes: But we need her for the second act.
Will: I'll just have to go out there and tell them we had to cut the show short.
[seeing how disappointed they are]
Will: Hey, guys. You were great. Don't worry. There will be other performances.
Rachel: [entering] Excuse me? I think I might have a solution. In show business, when a star can't perform, her understudy steps in. I'd be happy to go in for April, if you'd let me.
Mercedes: Since when are you willing to be an understudy?
Rachel: Since I quit the play.
Kurt: Really? Why?
Rachel: I realized being a star didn't make me feel as special as being your friend. If I'd let you down when you needed me the most, I'd never forgive myself. I know all the words to the song.
Quinn: You don't know the choreography.
Finn: Then we're gonna have to give her a lot of help out there.
Will: Go get in your costume.

Santana: [to Karofsky] Why don't you just settle down and let Auntie Tana here tell you a little story. It's about you. You're what we call a "late in life" gay. You're going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple kids, maybe become a state senator or a deacon, and then get caught in the men's room tapping your foot with some paige. And you know what? I accept that about you.

Will: All right, who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?
Brittany: He discovered America.

Will: [Puck, Finn, and Mercedes finish "Good Vibrations"] Great job, guys, but that's not funk. I mean, the group is called Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, but that is a rap song.
Noah: A kick-butt old school rap song.
Artie: Does it really matter, Mr. Schue? I mean, we're so clinically depressed, we're doing the wrong songs. We're in a deeper funk than ever.

Finn: You're upset about Kurt's dad, too?
Rachel: Yes. But more importantly, let's discuss your newfound love for Jesus and how it's affecting me. I want this relationship to go the distance, but I need to know that when I'm 25 and I've won a bunch of Tonys, and I'm ready to have intercourse and babies, that those babies will be raised in a certain way.
Finn: You don't think you're gonna have sex 'till you're 25?
Rachel: I want my children to be raised in the Jewish faith. Both of my dads' peoples were slaves once. I need to know that my children will be free to worship in the way that I decide is right.
Finn: Sure. Of course. Yeah, they should totally go to Jew church and... wear those hats and... and eat that salty orange stuff with their bagels.

Kurt: Rachel is a serious actress, Brody. She doesn't do nudity.
Brody: As performers, that's a question that we're all gonna have to face. If you want to win an Oscar, you have to show your boobs. Kate Winslet, Jennifer Connolly, Kathy Bates...

Rachel: I'm such an idiot. Mooning over you and cleaning your apartment...
Will: Hey. It's okay. I know it's not always easy for you, Rachel. And I know that there are some things about yourself that you think you'd like to change. But you should know that there's some boy out there somewhere who's going to like you for everything you are. Including those parts of you that even you don't like. Those are going to be the things he likes the most.

Finn: I have no idea what's going on in this script, and it's not in a cool 'Inception' kind of way.

Wade: I don't feel right in the men's locker room, but I can't go into the girls'. And I don't feel right in men's clothing, but I can't wear dresses every day. It sucks to never know your place. It's just nice, for once, to feel like I've found one.

Will: I was thinking we'd do one group number and one duet.
Finn: Yeah, Rachel and I should sing a duet. We killed it last year at Regionals with "Faithfully".
Quinn: Yeah, killed us. We lost.

Will: Why did you even let her in the house?
Terri: 'Cause she said she was one of your Glee kids. It didn't take me five minutes to realize she's in love with you. She asked if she could see your baby pictures.
Will: What, so now you're making her clean our bathroom?
Terri: Look, Will, I have been dealing with these schoolgirl crushes for years. So why shouldn't I get a little something out of it?
Rachel: [entering] Do you have any more Ajax?
Terri: Oh, in the linen closet, sweetie.
[Rachel gives Schue a flirtatious wave as she leaves]
Will: This is immoral, Terri.
Terri: No, honey, do you know what's immoral? Is me having to deal with the fact that my husband spends all day with young girls who are perkier and younger than I am. I have a rash on my belly from that cocoa butter that your mother sent me. Do you have any idea how much it burns when I sweat? I can't scrub the floors as hard as she can.
Will: Baby, if it's that bad, you have to let me see it. It might be infected.
Terri: What, so now I'm going to show you the bleeding pustules on my skin? Wow, yeah, no, that's not gonna send you into the loving arms of some teenage slut.
Will: For the last time, I am not having an affair with any of my students, and you are not allowed to turn one of them into your slave because you have this irrational fear of me leaving you.
Terri: But why not, huh, if it's a win-win for everybody? Look, she's a really good cook. Try it.
[he starts to leave]
Terri: Where are you going?
Will: I'm taking Rachel home.
Terri: Can you ask her to dust the blinds in the craft room first?

Will: [after the kids sing "Gives You Hell"] I don't want to be a buzzkill, but the assignment was "hello".
Rachel: [pointedly to Finn] I'm sorry. I was just focusing on the first syllable.

Finn: That's not Olivia Newton-John. That's... that's Sue Sylvester. Where did you get this?
Kurt: I can tell you that I certainly did not steal it from her locked file cabinet yesterday when she sent me back to her office to get her hormone replacement injection during Cheerios practice.
Artie: Wait, did she just do the Cabbage Patch?
Finn: I'm posting this on YouTube.
Rachel: No, no, wait, wait. Do you think that's a good idea? She might kill us.
Mercedes: Oh, let her get a taste of some of the humiliation she put us through.

Noah: Okay, can we just talk about the Jewish elephant in the room? Ask her out, dude!
Finn: Who, Rachel? But she's totally into Jesse right now.
Noah: You're in New York, the city of love.
Sam: [with a mouth full of food] I thought that was Paris.

Kurt: I think I speak for all of us when I say that it's not that we don't love the idea of spending a week on this silky smooth Adult Contemporary, it's just that, as teens, this isn't the easiest music for us to relate to. However, there is a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swelled to over five members. The ardent demand: that this week, at the fall homecoming assembly, the McKinley High School Glee Club perform a number by - wait for it - Ms. Britney Spears.
Artie: Yo, Spears. Spears, yeah.
[the glee kids all mutter agreement]
Will: Sorry, Kurt. Kurt, sorry. No, no, no. I... I don't think she's a very good role model.

Blaine: Hey! Are you sure you want to do this? You just got out of the hospital
Kurt: Yes! I want to do this.
[Kurt and Blaine walk up to the growing monument to the gay kid that Kurt Saved]
Blaine: [as Kurt is laying down the flowers] I heard he made it. He's going to be okay.
[Kurt and Blaine stand up and Blaine nuzzles his ear into Kurt's neck]

Sebastian: I was like, I don't know who this Blaine guy is, but apparently he's sex on a stick and sings like a dream.

Lauren: I spell woman Z-I-Z-E-S.

Will: Kurt's gone, and he's never coming back. We need a twelfth member. Now, I always go to Rachel and Finn in these situations, but you might be the most well-known kid in this entire school.
Noah: There's a method to my madness.
Will: I want you to use that madness to recruit a new member. Glee needs you to be its ambassador.
Noah: More like its am-bad-ass-ador.

Will: Tell me this isn't true, Rachel.
Tina: She could have died.
Rachel: I didn't send her to an *active* crack house. Besides, how did you guys find out anyways?
Mike: The Asian community is very tight.
Will: I just don't get it. You're better than this.
Tina: No, she's an ambitious little freak who will do anything to hold onto her power.
Rachel: I just... I... I love you guys so much. I was wrong before. I don't want any new members. I didn't want anyone coming in and... and messing up our group dynamic. Tina, Mike, I mean, what if Sunshine can dance? Then your contributions to Glee will be even more insignificant than they already are now. I did this for you guys.
Will: Whatever your motivations, you need to make this right, Rachel.

Sue: [to Emma] Your resentment is delicious.

Lauren: [learning Brittany still believes in Santa Claus] Okay, somebody needs to break the news to her.
Noah: Uh-uh. Don't look at me. I mean, I'm cruel and all, but that's just hardcore.

Rachel: [fighting with Finn] You know what? You guys are going to have to find somebody else to mindlessly harmonize in the background, because I'm not going on stage with him.
Artie: Make that two subs. I'm not going out there with Brittany.
Tina: Me, either.
Will: Enough! Listen to yourselves! I'm ashamed of you. Think back to where you were this time last year. In this room. No set list, no choreography. No chance in hell of winning, but you did win. Because you did it together. Look, I don't care if you guys hate each other. All I want is for you guys to go out there and sing together. Get up there, and for six minutes, remind yourselves that you're not alone.

Sue: I hear people say, "That's not how I define marriage". Well, to them I say, "Love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets. I, for one, think intimacy is no place in marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So, WOOF! on Prop 15, Ohio.

Shelby: Okay, a few of my kids may have toilet papered your choir room, but these two slashed the tires on all 26 of my students' Range Rovers. Those were gifts!
Will: Look, Puck and Finn made a mistake and - wait, you *gave* each one of your kids Range Rovers?
Shelby: They were presents for making it to Nationals last year. We have a very generous booster club.

Noah: [to the bartender] I'll have a Manhattan.
Bartender: Do you even know what's in a Manhattan?
Noah: Yeah. Me, for the first time which is why I want to celebrate with a cocktail.

Mercedes: Mr. Schue? I'd like to play Frank-N-Furter. I was rereading the script yesterday, and it said "Don't dream it, be it." And it's my dream to play a lead role, so I figure why not me? I mean, I'd be all kind of crazy sexy in that outfit. And I can reinterpret the number a little; make it more modern. I'd really like the chance, Mr. Schue.

Kurt: [making out with Brittany] Your lip gloss tastes like root beet. It's weird. Can I ask you something? What do boys' lips taste like?
Brittany S. Pierce: Usually dip. Sometimes they taste like burgers. Or my armpits. Kissing my armpits is a really big turn-on for me.

Principal: And now, performing the hit single, Tik and also Tok, by rapper Ke-dollar sign-Ha.

Principal: [to Santana and Brittany] Teen lesbians! I must see you in my office right now.
Santana: This is such bull crap! Why can't Brittany and I kiss in public? 'Cause we're two girls?
Principal: Please don't make this about your sapphic orientation.

Quinn: [Inflates a white balloon] Let's pair up for the Immaculate Affection. Now remember if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.

Finn: This look, it just isn't you. I mean, maybe when I first saw it, I was caught off guard by the fact that you looked all adult and stuff, but it's not what's really great about you, Rachel. I actually like the way you usually dress, sequined leg warmers and stuff.
Rachel: I thought this was what you liked.
Finn: No, not at all. Funny, I was just having this conversation last week with Kurt and he asked me...
[flashback]
Kurt: So, what kind of girls do you like?
Finn: Oh, uh... well, I like it when they're natural and stuff; not a lot of makeup, not skintight clothes. That sort of thing, you know?
Kurt: Totally.
Rachel: [back in real time] I feel like an idiot.

Principal: Sectionals is coming up. What are your co-director plans?
Will: Oh, we were actually... uh, we're each going to direct our own number.
Sue: And we'll be flipping a coin to see who goes first. It'll be very civilized.
Will: Hmm, yeah.
Sue: Very sportsmanlike, so...
Principal: This arrangement is pleasing to all.
Sue: Isn't it?
Will: It's great.
Principal: Now... let's hug it out.
Will: [awkward laugh] I'd rather not do that
Sue: I really don't see that happening.
Principal: This meeting doesn't end until I see your bodies touching. It's a technique I learned last week at my leadership seminar.

Will: This is a joke.
Principal: William, Sandy's never been formally charged with anything. And the fact is, upon further reflection, my firing of him was rash. This is a wonderful thing, Will. How many times have you sat in the chair complaining how I don't care about the arts program?
Will: This was you. You have always been out to get me.
Sue: Well, if I was out to get you, I'd have you pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now.
Sandy: William, take a chill pill. I'm here to help you.
Will: [skeptical] Oh, really? Is that why you stole my best singer?

Ken: Who's Josh Groban?
Sandy: Who is Josh Groban? Kill Yourself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver Platinum Records unto us. And if he were here right now I'd club you to death with his Critics' Choice Award.

Will: What's going on?
Sue: Brittany here has accused Coach Beiste of inappropriate touching.
Will: What? Brittany, that's a serious accusation.
Sue: It's very serious.
[she winks, urging him to play along]
Will: [sitting down next to her] Brittany, what you're saying could ruin someone's life. It's really important that you tell the truth here.
Brittany S. Pierce: I made it up. Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. Actually, I really want to touch her boobs.

April: [to Rachel] Do you have any NyQuil? I could use a pick-me-up.

Rachel: Break a leg.
Finn: I love you.

Sue: [to Kurt] So you like show tunes. It doesn't mean you're gay. It means you're awful.

Finn: Look, are you still dating that Jesse kid?
Rachel: No. No. Who... who told you that?
Finn: Look, I know things have been weird between us, but I never thought you'd lie to me.
Rachel: Look, please just don't tell anyone.
Finn: Unbelievable.
Rachel: We may not be together the way that Jesse and I are, but we can still be friends. I... I'm asking you as my friend to trust me.
Finn: Fine. But if this leads to something bad for all of us, don't expect any more friendship from me.

Howard: Who is Josh Groban?
Sandy: Who is Josh Groban? Kill yourself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us. And if he were here right now, I would club you to death with his Critic's Choice Award.

April: [Over the microphone] As I live and breathe, Will Schuester? I just had a sex dream about you!

Mercedes: Hey, you two. We need to go to the choir room.
Finn: Why?
Kurt: Because there's something we want to give you and Quinn.

Shelby: I know why you called, and don't worry about it. My reconnection with Rachel is not some kind of plot to mess with you guys before regionals.
Will: I'm not worried about regionals. It's Rachel. She's special. She's got all of the best of you; she's strong-willed, dramatic, wildly talented.
Shelby: Go on.
Will: But she's not hard like you. She's fragile, over-emotional. And she's clearly convinced herself that you are as committed to this reunion as she is. And I don't think you are. You're not prepared to have a teenage daughter. Are you?
Shelby: I can't have any more kids. There were issues a few years back. Then some surgery, and that's that. I really wanted a daughter. That's why it was so important to me to make that bond with her. But you're right. I wanted my baby back. Rachel's an adult now. She doesn't need me.
Will: Shelby, I can't tell you what to do, but if you really love her, you have to tell her what you just told me.

Will: Hi, Ms. Hitchens. I'm Will Schuester from McKinley High.
Grace: [to a student leaving the room] Alphasia! Give Mr. Schuester his wallet back.
Will: [he pats his pocket, and Alphasia gives him his wallet, then leaves] Wow, she's... she's good.

Artie: It's so weird.
Finn: This so isn't you.
Tina: I feel like an Asian Branch Davidian.
Will: Tina, are there any other looks you can try?
Santana: Biker chick?
Finn: Cowgirl?
Mercedes: Hood rat.
Quinn: Computer programmer.
Brittany S. Pierce: Cross-country skier.
Noah: Catholic schoolgirl.
Brittany S. Pierce: Happy Meal, no onions. Or a chicken.

Emma: Celibacy, ladies... DIG IT!

Will: It was you. You're the one who complained to Principal Figgins about me.
Santana: Yeah. And I'd do it all over again after that performance.
Will: You're messing with adult things here, Santana. This is my job. This is my life!
Santana: This is my education and it's not a joke to me, although it seems to be one to you.
Will: What are you talking about? They all loved my performance.
Santana: Because they don't know any better, and it's your fault! You're their teacher. You went from la cucaracha to a bullfighting mariachi? Why not just dress up as the Taco Bell chihuahua and bark the theme song to Dora the Explorer? You don't even know enough to be embarrassed about these stereotypes that you're perpetuating.
Will: That's not fair!
Santana: Isn't it?

Kurt: Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel, and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.

Sue: You're worried about getting new recruits? Well, if Beiste gets her way and our budgets are slashed, you'll be cutting kids left and right.
Will: You're right. I hadn't thought about that.
Sue: Beiste needs to be stopped, and I need your help to topple her. You in?
Will: [crumpling up the Glee Club sign-up sheet] I'm in.

Will: Morning, Sue.
Sue: Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there. That's "Principal Sue".
Will: What?
Sue: Oh, you heard me right. My years-long quest for power has finally bore fruit.

Will: Who can tell me what an Anthem is?
Brittany: It's the bottom of an Ant's pants.
Will: So close. So close.

Will: [finding Sue in his apartment] How... how did you get in here?
Sue: Oh, I had a key made ages ago.

Sue: And here's the truth. I mercilessly pick on Will Shuester's lustrous, wavy hair because I am jealous. There, I said it.

Rachel: Your face tastes awesome.

Tina: [Wearing her Gaga outfit] My balls keep falling off.
Kurt: I've been there.

Noah: [Quinn tells him that she is pregnant] Well, call the Vatican! We got ourselves another Immaculate Conception!

Rachel: I'm tired of everyone calling us freaks.
Mercedes: [snickering] Well, look at us. We are freaks.
[the glee club all shares a laugh]
Finn: But we're all freaks together. And we shouldn't have to hide it.
[they turn around as they hear clapping, revealing Schue]
Will: Nice job, Finn. I think you just figured out what the lesson was. Kinda makes me wish I had planned it. But Mercedes is right. You do all look incredibly insane.

Rachel: I'm looking forward to being friends with all of you for the rest of my life.

Sue: [picking all the minority kids from Glee] See, Will, I don't want to participate in a group that ignores the needs of minority students.
Will: You have got to be kidding me.
Sue: Oh, I wouldn't kid about this, Will, and maybe that's your problem. Bigotry is no laughing matter.
Santana: [quoting her news segment tagline] And that's how Sue sees it.
Sue: Outstanding.

Rachel: Well, my suspension is officially over. It'll still be on my transcript, though. I'm just hoping that the admissions department at NYADA see it as a sign of my artistic, rebellious attitude.

Kurt: [to Sebastian] I don't like the way you talk to my boyfriend. I don't like your smirky little meerkat face. I don't like your obnoxious CW hair. I'm on to you.

Santana: I also think you should wait. Speaking from experience, Finn's terrible in bed.
Tina: That's terrible to say, Santana.
Santana: What? If Rachel wants my sloppy seconds, she should at least know the truth. Look, it was like being smothered by a sweaty, out of breath sack of potatoes that somebody soaked in body spray.

Sue: [Picking out the minority glee kids] Santana! Wheels! Gay kid! Asian! Other Asian! Aretha! Shaft!

Noah: Hey! One Puckerman just ate your lunch! What do you think's gonna happen when we unload two barrels of Puckshot into your ugly mugs?

Will: These are comments from Jacob Ben Israel's most recent Glee Club blog. "Glee is a giant ball of suck."
Kurt: We get it, Mr. Schue. Everyone still hates us. So what? So we're plankton on the high school food chain? Only difference now is that none of us really care.

Artie: I want to be there to see my kid's first steps.

Sam: [to Quinn] "lor menari"
[Quinn doesn't react]
Sam: It means you have pretty eyes.
[Quinn doesn't react]
Sam: Its Na'vi. The Avatar language? "Lor menari"
[Quinn rolls eyes]

Santana: Hi.
Brittany: Hey.
Santana: Can we talk?
Brittany: But we never do that.
Santana: Yeah, I know, but I wanted to thank you for performing that song with me in Glee Club. Because it's made me do a lot of thinking. And what I realized is why I'm such a bitch all the time. I'm a bitch because I'm angry. I'm angry because I have all of these feelings, feelings for you, that I'm afraid of dealing with because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences. And Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't.
Brittany: I understand that.
Santana: Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
Brittany: No, not really.
Santana: I want to be with you, but I'm afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school.
Brittany: But, honey, if anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.
Santana: Yea, I know, but I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept that I love you. I love *you*, and I don't want to be with Sam, or Finn, or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please.
Brittany: Of course I love you! I do! And I would totally be with you if it wasn't for Artie.
Santana: [confused] Artie?
Brittany: I love him, too. I don't want to hurt him, that's not right. I can't break up with him.
Santana: Yes, you can! He's just a stupid boy!
Brittany: But it wouldn't be right. Santana, you have to know, if Artie and I were to ever break up, and I'm lucky enough that you're still single, I'm so yours. *Proudly* so.
Santana: [Crying] Yeah, well, wow. Whoever thought that for being fluid, you could be so stuck.
[Brittany tries to hug her]
Santana: Get off me!

Sue: You are about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: Horror!

Puck: What the hell, dude? I can't believe you're helping out this loser!
Finn: Don't you get it, man? We're all losers! Everyone in this school! Hell, everyone in this town! Out of all the kids who graduate, maybe half will go to college, and two will leave the state to do it! I'm not afraid to be called a loser because I can accept that's what I am.

Will: You cannot allow this to happen!
Principal: It's out of my hands, William. I have no control over what the Show Choir Governing Board says or does.
Sue: Let me break it down for you, Will. It's been decided that this year's regionals will be judged by celebrities. And I'm a celebrity now, William. Now, I realize my cultural ascendance only serves to illuminate your own banality, but face it. I'm a legend. It's happened.

Sue: [journaling about having feelings for Will] True love always springs from true hate. I'll admit, in the past I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body.

Quinn: I'm looking forward to graduating from Yale at the top of my class.

Shannon: [to Finn] You wanna know the thing about you that makes you special? It's not the singing or the dancing or the way you threw the ball. It's that you could move people.

Kurt: Blaine and I love football. Well Blain loves football, I love scarfs.

Noah: Don't you get it? I'm nothing! I'm the school joke! A failure! You don't know what it's like to be worthless where nothing you do matters! I feel that way every day of my life! Every damn day! You know how many football games or concerts my mom's been to in the last four years? None. Not one. My dad's been AWOL since I was 10 years old, which is fine because all he ever did was tell me I was garbage! And he must be really proud of himself 'cause that's exactly how I turned out!

Artie: I had never kissed a girl before.
Rachel: I was getting slushied.
Finn: I didn't... I didn't have a father. Someone I could look up to. Model myself after. Someone who could show me what it really meant to be a man.
Rachel: We don't care what the judges say. We won. Because we had you as a teacher.
Mercedes: And Glee Club will never end, Mr. Schue, because... you are Glee Club. And you're in all of us now.

Holly: Demonstration! This is a condom, which can help prevent the spread of HIV, which can lead to AIDS. And it also prevents pregnancy!
[holds a cucumber next to the condom]
Finn: Wait! Cucumbers can give you AIDS?
Mercedes: Seriously? 'Cause I just had them in my salad!

Santana: [to Sue] Don't think that Finn didn't hate you to!

Will: [trying to convey through song how inappropriate her feelings for him are] So, Rachel, do you think you understood the message I was trying to get across with that ballad?
Rachel: Yes. It means I'm very young and it's hard for you to stand close to me.
Will: [exasperated sigh] Um, no. Um... Emma, would you mind helping me out here? Um, was that the message that you got?
Emma: [just as taken and doe-eyed as Rachel] You're a very good performer.

Burt: This is really getting you down, isn't it?
Kurt: I'm full of ennui.
Burt: So it's really getting you down?

Finn: All right, how's everyone doing?
Mercedes: Kill me now. I'm gonna die.
Tina: Is anyone else tired of lying down all the time? I wanna play.
Finn: Just don't get ahead of yourself, okay?

Terri: It's just hamburger casserole-Look-out for bones!

Sue: Newton-John? You're dead to me. Remington, Horsey, have a seat and listen up. I don't care who comes in first, I don't care who places second, but I have a very strong opinion about who comes in third.
Rod: Sue, if I may. That "Bohemian Rhapsody" had me a-movin' and a-shakin', and I'm talking old school. You know, I partied with Freddie Mercury back in the '70s, and I partied... hard, if you know what I mean. Back then, people weren't so obsessed with labels.
Olivia: I, for one, was offended that only one of the groups chose to honor me in song. I think Aural Intensity should win.
Sue: [Josh raises his hand] Yes?
Josh: Two questions. One, are you single? And two, how about those New Directions? I liked them. I thought they had a lot of... heart.
Olivia: Heart? Oh, please. Talk about blatant tokenism. That whole "we're inspiring, we're a ragtag bunch of misfits" thing is so 2009.
Sue: I couldn't agree more. Let's vote.

Dave: Hey, how do you spell loser? I'm gonna write it on his forehead!

Mercedes: You all just trot me out at the end of every number so I can wail on the last note. How is that okay?

Brittany: I failed my precious unicorn.

Kurt: [to Blaine] I'm just wondering, have you ever had the urge just to rip off each other's clothes and get dirty?
Blaine: Uh, yeah, but that's why they invented masturbation.

Mrs. Hagberg: [to Brittany] Do you even know who the president is?
Brittany: Will.i.am.

Kurt: [to Adam] I always get a little sad when the sun comes out and the snow starts to melt and all the snowmen look like they have scoliosis.

Rachel: [to Brody] I kind of need to ask you a favor.
Brody: Okay.
Rachel: So, Cassie said that I... uh, wasn't sexy. Cassie said I wasn't sexy.
Brody: You're crazy sexy.

Rachel: I found her.
Jesse St. James: Your mother? Where?
Rachel: In the library. I've been researching her all morning, and as I suspected, my intuition has been proven correct. My mother is Broadway legend Patti LuPone.
[flashback, with Rachel narrating in voiceover]
Rachel: I've always had a deep connection to Ms. LuPone; her choice of roles and songs. I decided to do a little math to see if her being my mother was even possible. I was born December 18, 1994. 1994 was a big year for Mother. She was a sensation in "Pal Joey". "But that was in New York; I was born in Ohio," you say. Well, Mother took many breaks from the show to tour with Mandy Patinkin. That April found them at the EJ Thomas Hall in Akron, Ohio for a standing room performance nine months before I was born.
[return to real time]
Jesse St. James: Are you saying that your fathers impregnated Patti LuPone in the Marriott in Akron? Was Mandy Patinkin in on this?

Marley: [to Jake] I don't get why someone like you is with someone like Kitty.
Jake: What do you mean, someone like me?
Marley: You act like you don't care what anyone thinks, but you obviously are just as desperate to fit in as everyone else if you'll date her.
Jake: You don't know how it feels to really be on the outside. The black kids think I'm too white, the white kids think I'm too black. Kitty's funny and hot, and yeah, a little crazy, but you know what, she likes me and when I'm next to her, no one makes fun of me for once.

Finn: What's that saying, the show must go all over the place, or something.

Will: My father always said you'd become a man when you bought your first house. I'm not sure what he meant though because he burned ours down during a drunken fight with mom.

Cassandra: [to Rachel] You're not good enough yet.
Rachel: Maybe you're right. I'm not as good of a dancer as you are.
Cassandra: Oh, you're finally learning something in here.
Rachel: But I'm just as good of a singer. Maybe even better.
Cassandra: You think anyone in here believes that? Because there's a big difference between self-confidence and delusion.
Rachel: No one else has to believe it. No one but me.

Will: I think I can tell who wrapped that. Who's it for?
Emma: Oh, Sue. I drew her as my Secret Santa.
Will: Wait a minute. That's not possible. Sue's my Secret Santa.
Shannon: No, Sue's my Secret Santa.
Sue: [in her office] I'm everybody's Secret Santa. Yeah, you can just drop those wherever.

Katie: So, tell me, Sue, how are you holding up?
Sue: I'm hanging in there, thank you.
Katie: I know it's painful, but... can you take me back to the moment when you knew you had lost what would have been a record seventh consecutive national championship, landing you this interview as Loser of the Year?
Sue: I thought this was the Ten Most Fascinating.
Katie: That's Barbara Walters. In the voting, you beat out the following losers: the economy, Mel Gibson, the housing market, Dina Lohan, Wall Street, Tiger Woods, the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre's cell phone, 9% unemployment, and Sparky Lohan, who is Dina Lohan's dog and apparently, also a loser. How do you cope with that?
Sue: I've been drinking a lot of bleach.

Emma: Oh, my gosh. Sue? Did someone finally punch you?
Sue: Edie, William. You. Every year when the photos for the Thunderclap come around I always elect to have a little work done. This year I got myself a bit of an eye lift. And while they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using 'em.

Principal: Only last Friday at the football game they tried to spell out "GO TEAM" and they spelled out "TO GAME"

Rachel: Mr. Schue? First of all that vest is very cute; you are all kinds of awesome.

Will: Hey, baby. Which one of these ties goes better with my shirt?
Terri: You're blocking the TV, Will.
Will: Oh, come on. I need your help. School pictures are coming up.
Terri: Oh. Well, in that case, um... wear the red one for the teacher photo and the green one for the glee club. It'll pop more when the cool kids deface it.
Will: Yeah. I, uh... I wanted to talk to you about that. So, Figgins stopped putting the Glee Club photo in the yearbook because it always gets vandalized, and I just feel so bad for the kids. I mean, they work so hard. They deserve to be recognized. Not being in that book gives the appearance that Glee Club isn't important. I want to buy an ad and use it as the glee club photo spread. It's around $300.
Terri: [sarcastic] Oh, great. Yeah, why don't you take the food out of the refrigerator and just give that to the kids?
[seriously]
Terri: Will, that food goes from my mouth right into our baby's belly.
Will: We have a couple hundred bucks left over from selling the Blue Bomber II.
Terri: The answer's no, Will. No.
Will: But if we...
Terri: No!
[cutting him off as he tries to argue]
Terri: No. No.

Will: [taking a sip of his slushie] Mm. Brain freeze.
[the Glee kids laugh]
Will: I can't imagine getting hit in the kisser with one of these.
Artie: You've never been hit by a slushie before, Mr. Schue?
Will: [they all advance on him] Um... all right, guys. We're a team. Bring it on. Give me your best shot.
Rachel: One. Two. Three.
[he grimaces, and they all throw their slushies on him]
Will: All right. From the top.

Ryder: [to Jake] Chicks dig hot guys who are willing to get naked for a calendar, but what they're really looking for is a guy who will get naked emotionally.

Kurt: [planning to cause a disturbance in the school library] Team, listen up. If we pull this off, we will be legends at this school. We'll rocket up the Glist. We'll be top five, easy. Artie, pump up the jam. It's about to go down.

Brittany: I was going to order us one really, really long piece of spaghetti like in 'Lady and Tramp.' And I've been practicing nudging meatballs across the table with my nose.

Emma: You should be ashamed. Aren't you ashamed? You're educators. Actually, no, you know what? You're more than that. You take care of disadvantaged kids. And you're teaching them that the only way they can compete in this world is by cheating. I'm sorry, but what kind of message is that?
Dalton: I don't know what you're talking about. "Don't Stop Believin'" is the most downloaded song in the history of iTunes. I've only got one good ear and even I know that. Scarlet fever.
Emma: Right, and "Proud Mary"? In wheelchairs?
Grace: Do you have any idea how much winning is going to mean to my girls? It's gonna be a life changer; make them feel like they're worth something again.
Emma: I'm... I'm sorry, do you... do you think that they're not going to know that something's up? The fact that you just magically came up with two brand-new numbers days before competition?
Grace: They were great up there. That's all I know.
Dalton: I think what we have here is a case of deaf racism. Shame on you.
Emma: No, you know what the real shame is? Is that maybe if you believed in them just a little bit more, they would have been amazing up there. Without cheating.

Santana: [about Will telling the students about his regrets] Besides creeping us out, why are you telling us this?

Rachel: I am not homophobic. In fact, I have two gay dads. See, I was born out of love. My two dads screened potential surrogates based on beauty and IQ. Then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day we don't know which one is my real dad, which I think is pretty amazing.

Noah: I. Am. In. Hell.

[Kurt is talking to Mercedes at their cafeteria table]
Kurt: Mercedes, trust me. Love is just around the corner.
[Karofsky walks by]
Dave: 'Sup, homo?
[Karofsky winks at Kurt]

Sugar: I want to be there to see "Sex and the City Part III."
Will: Wow.

Burt: [to Kurt] You can always come back.
[to himself]
Burt: But you won't.

Jake: My whole life I've never felt like I fit in. Not anywhere.
Ryder: Why?
Jake: I'm half white, half black, half Jewish. And just in case I forget, someone always reminds me.

Carole: I always thought that when I, uh... How do parents go on when they lose a child? You know, when I would see that stuff on the news, I'd shut it off 'cause it was just too horrible to think, but I would always think... How do they wake up every day? I mean... h-h-how do they breathe, honey?
[gasps]
Carole: But you do wake up. And for just a second, you forget. And then... oh you remember. And it's like getting that call again, and again, every time. You don't get to stop waking up. You have to keep on being a parent, even though you don't get to have a child anymore.
[breaks down; Burt and Kurt hug her]

Mr. Schuester: Doodle honey,You go get yourself a Sanka.

Finn: I'm gonna say this as nice as I possibly can, but you look like a sad clown hooker.

Sam: If you want to make it in this world, you have to be special.
Blaine: But you are special. Even without your body.

Rachel: Thanks for helping with the party clean up, especially since you didn't even drink.
Kurt: I was in the neighborhood.
Rachel: At 10 o'clock? Are you sure you're not here just to find out how my date with Blaine went?
Kurt: Oh, that was tonight?
Rachel: Look, we're friends, so I'm gonna be honest with you... the date was lovely. We saw Love Story at the Revival Theater. We even dressed up as the characters.
Kurt: [Sarcastically] That's not gay at all. Did you kiss?
Rachel: No, or lips spent the evening mouthing Ali MacGraw's dialogue. Frankly, I did expect a little snog as the date drew to a close, but I guess the timing just wasn't right.
Kurt: Or the blood alcohol level.
Rachel: Look, I know that you have feelings for him and I'm sure you think I'm crazy for asking him out, but Blaine is obviously conflicted and if he turns out not to be gay, well then, I guess I will have done you a favor.
Kurt: And I'm doing you a favor by telling you that Blaine is the first in a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals.
Rachel: Blaine and I have a lot in common.
Kurt: A sentiment expressed by many a hag about many a gay. Look, I don't doubt that you and Blaine would have a jolly good time shopping at Burberry and arguing who would make the better Rum Tum Tugger. I don't dispute that, but there's something that you and Blaine will never have and that's chemistry.
Rachel: Fine. Then I'm gonna prove you wrong. I'm gonna take the beer goggles off and I'm gonna kiss him sober. And if the spark is still there, then I am taking you to your bakery of choice for a piping hot slice of humble pie.

Will: I'd like to take over Glee Club.
Principal: You want to captain the Titanic, too?
Will: I think I can make it great again. There is no joy in these kids. They feel invisible. That's why every one of them has a MySpace page.
Principal: Sixty bucks a month. That's what I need to keep this program up.
Will: A-a-and you... you expect me to pay it?
Principal: I'm certainly not going to pay for it. We're not talking about Cheerios here, Will. They were on Fox Sports Net last year. When Glee Club starts bringing that kind of prestige to the school again, you can have all the money you want. Until then, sixty bucks a month. And you've got to use the costumes and props you already have. But we need the stools for woodshop.

Brittany: Tornadoes are nature's most destructive force. These violent storms have ravaged America, crippling communities all across our land. Isn't it time we take a stand? If you honor me with being your next class president, I will make tornadoes illegal at McKinley, keeping you and your families at our school safe from their murderous rampages. Also, on Tuesdays, uh, I pledge to go topless.

Jesse St. James: A dream is something that fills up the emptiness inside. The one thing that, you know if it came true, all of the hurt would go away.

Artie: I would get down on one knee if I could.
Tina: Why would you propose to me? You don't even like me.
Artie: Stop. That's where you're wrong. I was really rude to you. You're awesome. And you shouldn't change unless you want to. And if you want to get up on this, just let me know.
Tina: Yep. That's more like it.

Jacob: Will Schuester, how do you respond to a recent post on my blog saying your Glee Club song selections sound like they come from a drag queen's iPod.
Will: Well, I try to do something for everybody. 25 % showtunes, 25 % hip hop, 25 % classic rock...
Jacob: And 100 % gay.

Emma: Do you know who that is? That's you, Will. That's you happier than I've ever seen you.
Will: That was the greatest moment of my life.
Emma: Why?
Will: Because I loved what I was doing. I knew before we were half-way through with it, I remember that we were gonna win. And being a part of that, in that moment, I knew who I was in the world. And the only time I felt that way since then was when Terrie told me I was gonna be a father.
Will: No, no. I need to provide for my family.
Emma: But provide what exactly? The understanding that money is the most important thing - or the idea that the only life worth living is one that you're really passionate about, Will?

Blaine: Excuse me?
Dave: Hey, lady boys. This your boyfriend, Kurt?
Blaine: Kurt and I would like to talk to you about something.
Dave: I gotta go to class.
Blaine: Kurt told me what you did.
Dave: Oh yeah? What's that?
Kurt: You kissed me.
Dave: I don't know what you're talking about.
Blaine: It seems you might be a little confused, and that's totally normal. This is a... a very hard thing to come to terms with, and you should just know that you're not alone.
[Karofsky pushes Blaine against the wall]
Dave: Do not mess with me.
[Kurt pushes Karofsky off]
Kurt: You have to stop this!
[Karofsky leaves]
Blaine: Well, he's not coming out anytime soon.

Rachel: Ms. Corcoran? I'm Rachel Berry. I'm your daughter.

Rachel: That guy did seem crazy. He swiped my credit card through his butt crack.

Artie: [to Rachel] You're irritating most of the time, but don't take that personally.

Jake: Let me ask you a question what kind of a name is Ryder Lynn anyway? 'Cause it sounds like your parents named you after a cowgirl doll who comes with her own pony.
Ryder: Look, man, I don't want any trouble. I know you're a badass. You want to know how I know you're such a badass? Because you ride a Razor scooter. Nothing says "I'm a badass" like a Razor scooter.

Rachel: [voiceover] Make fun of me all you want, but school pictures are everything to me. They're great practice for getting photographed by the paparazzi. Invasive as the press may be, stars are dependent on them for their fame, and I feel I must be prepared. In order to do so, I join every club I possibly can. I know you're thinking that I'm just joining all these club to give off the appearance that I'm involved, known to exist, but Glee Club is different. I really love Glee and I believe in what we stand for. We've come from behind, dismissed and ridiculed by everyone, and we've made something of ourselves. Something that I'm proud of be a part of, something I want to be remembered for.

Principal: Ah Suuuue, the dry cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.

Sue: Take a good look, William. Because Sue Sylvester's got two things to show you. To my left, I have one confetti cannon. To my right, you'll find another confetti cannon. You know what this means?
Will: No, Sue.
Sue: We got Beiste fired. And my full budget is restored.
[taking out a remote control, she presses a button and the cannons fire confetti everywhere]
Will: Wait, what?
Sue: Well, actually she quit. But I'll take the "W". And it was your kids that made it happen, Will. It finally occurred to them to stop singing all that nonsense about how awesome it is to be alive or ugly or whatever the point is you guys are always trying to make. And instead? They just got mean. Congratulations, Will.
Will: Wait. Coach Beiste quit?
Sue: I believe I just said that, Annie Sullivan. You want me to sign it into your palm? And now, if you'll excuse me, and if you wouldn't mind just cleaning all this up, that'd be great.

[repeated line]
Sue: Hey buddy.

Shannon: [to Emma] Pumpkin, Will loves you like a farmer loves his blue ribbon pig.

Sue: Q, take off those sunglasses. I want to look in your eyes when I give you this piece of business.
[Quinn takes off her shades]
Sue: You're off the Cheerios. I can't have a pregnant girl on my squad. You're a disgrace.

Will: [Rachel enters the choir room with duct tape over her mouth] Rachel, what are you doing?
Rachel: [removing the tape] I'm not doing anything. You've silenced my talents, I'm merely protesting.
[she replaces it, then removes it again]
Rachel: My talents are wasted in this club. My star shines too bright, and I think you're threatened by it.

Sue: [to Will and Bryan] I came over here to congratulate you on your new role. Local director Herb Duncan does the dry clean for the cheerios, and he let slip that you just landed the lead role in Les Mis!
[Will looks overwhelmed, and Bryan lets go of his smile]
Sue: Congratulations. I'm ecstatic! And the good news just keep coming, because you got a part too, Bryan. The exciting role of Townsperson. You got a line too. Right back here in the second act, you get to say... 'Hooray!' Congratulations to both of you, I can't wait for opening night!

Rachel: Hey, guys.
Kurt: Cut the butter, Benedict Arnold. We heard about your new boyfriend.
Mercedes: Look, Rachel, we're all happy that you're happy, but we've worked too hard in Glee Club to let you throw it all away on a relationship that might not even be real.
Rachel: Why, 'cause he's in Vocal Adrenaline?
Kurt: Their motto is "Aut neca aut necatus eris." Which loosely translates to "murder or be murdered."
Tina: They give their dancers human growth hormone.
Mercedes: Look, we're not saying the dude is playing you.
Kurt: He's playing you.
Mercedes: We just think that until regionals are over, we can't risk the possibility that he is.
Tina: None of us want to go through what happened at sectionals again.
Rachel: Okay, look, Jesse and I might not be true love, but what if we are? I know who I am. And how many chances at this am I going to get?
Kurt: If you don't break up with him, you're out.
Rachel: You can't kick me out!
Artie: But we can all quit if Mr. Schue doesn't.
Rachel: Well, good luck winning without me.
Kurt: Everyone is replaceable. Even you.
Rachel: How could you do this to me?
Mercedes: How could you do this to us? We're a team, and all you've ever wanted was for us to be great, and be a part of something special. Now is that still true or not?

Blaine: Now, I don't want to sound cocky or anything, but you guys better be pulling out all the stops for regionals, because the number we just rehearsed is so off the hook, it's dangerous.
Kurt: Seriously. People should wear protective headgear when they're watching it. Guys, we're kidding.
Rachel: Yeah, well, it's just hard to laugh right now with everything going on at McKinley.
Mercedes: I mean, look at us, the stars of two rival show choirs sitting down to coffee; our school is so messed up, we can't even keep our own football team together.
Rachel: It's so sad, you guys. Coach Beiste and Mr. Schue were so close at getting everyone at the school together.
Kurt: Why hasn't Finn told anything about this? I mean, we live together. I mean, I bring him a glass of warm milk every night, just in the hopes that we'll have a little lady-chat.
Blaine: Warm milk? Really?
Kurt: It's delicious.

Burt: Do you know the difference between this place
[Lima]
Burt: and New York?
Kurt: Decent bagels?

Will: I know you're behind the Glist.
Quinn: You have no proof. I can't believe that you're gonna pin this on me. I'll be expelled. I mean, it makes sense. Everything else has been taken from me; my popularity, my body. Might as well throw away my education.
Will: You know when I realized that you did it? The moment I felt what it was like to walk in your shoes. I mean, it takes years to build a good reputation, but only seconds to destroy it. Couple of bad choices, and you go from the top to the bottom. You have lost so much, Quinn. Which means you had the most to gain from the Glist.
Quinn: I never meant to hurt anybody.
Will: I know.
Quinn: I... I was captain of the cheerleeding squad, president of the Celibacy Club. I had Finn. People would part like the Red Sea when I walked down the hallway. Now I'm invisible.
Will: And you think being seen as a cheap tramp is better?
Quinn: A bad reputation is better than no reputation at all.
Will: Look, I know that high school feels like your whole life right now, but it's going to end. You're going to give that baby to a family who really wants it, who's going to love it, and then you are going to go on to do amazing things, Quinn.
Quinn: You really think that I can get it all back one day?
Will: No. I think you can get something even better. I mean, come on. You're Quinn Fabray, right? I mean, those people didn't part when you walked down the halls; you moved them with your attitude.
Quinn: Thanks, Mr. Schue. You're a really good teacher. Even if everybody is calling you a man-whore.

Rachel: I told you guys.
Santana: We know. You've been berating us for the better part of an hour.
Quinn: Were they really that good?
Rachel: They were, Quinn. Look, I was fine with arranging, choreographing, and directing this number free of charge. But we underestimated the boys. Their number will go to sectionals, and once again, I will be humiliated.
Mercedes: How were we supposed to know they'd rock the house? They've never been good.
Tina: How did they d-d-do it?
Kurt: [entering] The real question is "What were they on?". Though I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance still remains with you ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers.
[blank stares]
Kurt: We all took something.

Burt: [cornered by Azimio and Karofsky] You want to hit me? You want to beat me up? Go ahead. But I swear to you I will never change. I'm proud to be different. It's the best thing about me. So go ahead, hit me.
Azimio: I believe I will.
[to Karofsky]
Azimio: Sir, would you like to go first?
Finn: You're not hitting anyone.
Burt: [seeing Finn dressed in a garish red outfit] Oh, my god.
Azimio: Is he wearing a red rubber dress or am I trippin'?

Tina: Being popular felt too good. We forgot ourselves.
Brittany: Well, I didn't. I was always popular, but I do forget to wear underwear sometimes.

Santana: Look, we may still be Cheerios, but neither of us ever gave Sue the set list.
Brittany: Well... I did. But I didn't know what she was gonna do with it.
Santana: Okay, look... believe what you want, but no one's forcing me to be here. And if you tell anyone this, I'll deny it - but I like being in Glee Club. It's the best part of my day, okay? I wasn't gonna go and mess it up.
Rachel: I believe you.

Tina: I can't believe we're finally breaking into the biz!
Rachel: You guys, I want us to always remember this moment. Soon there may be agents and managers and movie deals, but right now, I want us to remember what it feels like to be here together as a team.
Mercedes: Whatever. Soon as I get my record deal, I'm not speaking to any of you.

Artie: When you're in a chair, it's hard to feel like you've ever grown up. Everyone's always doing stuff for you, they get freaked out by saying the wrong things, so they coddle you. Sometimes it's hard to ever picture a life of being totally self-succient. But directing you guys, the way you trusted me, the way you looked at me and listened to me... It's the first time in my life I've ever felt like a grown man. It's the greatest gift you could give a guy. So... so thank you, guys. For the flowers and for everything.

Sue: [voiceover] Dear journal, something strange happened yesterday. I felt something below the neck. Dare I admit it? I have feelings for one Will Schuester. Sexy, non-murdering feelings.

Quinn: People think you're gay now, Finn. And do you know what that makes me? Your big, gay beard!

Dave: [after getting Slushied] Oh, my eyes! It's burning!
Finn: Just relax. It stops after a couple hours.
Dave: No frickin' way I'm letting that happen again.
Artie: He's in the first stage of loserdom: denial.

Finn: [to Kurt] Dude, that rocks! It's, like, gay Braveheart.

Rachel: We're going to give them what they want!
Kurt: [Skeptically] Blood?
Rachel: Better. Sex.

Brittany: You're a really good dancer.
Finn: Um, thanks, but my feet weren't really moving.
Brittany: That was the best part.

Artie: What's the point, Mr. Shue? Coach Sylvester's one of the judges, she's gonna crush us.
Will: Artie, you don't know that.
Santana: Yes we do, she told us at Cheerios practice.
Brittany: Yeah, she said "I'm going to crush Glee Club".

Rachel: We need you Sam. And you need the music.

Rachel: If you like, you can make a list for me also.
Finn: I like what the song says: "All I Want for Christmas is You".
Rachel: Oh, all I want for Christmas is you, too. And five things on that list.
Finn: [after Rachel leaves] Holy crap, I'm dating Kim Kardashian!

Shannon: [Speaking of Kurt's suitability to play the lead role of Tony in West Side Story] Listen, I love the kid, but I want a Tony who excites my lady parts. Hummel's too much of a lady.

[opening monologue]
Becky's: I, Becky Faye Jackson, am the hottest bitch at McKinley High School. I'm not only co-captain of the Cheerios!, I'm president of the Perfect Attendance Club and I've won a participation award in rhythm gymnastics. You may be wondering why I sound like the Queen of England. It's simple: in my mind, I can sound like whomever I want, so lay off, haters. Okay, let's get reals. I could easily snag any dude east of the Mississippi, but I'm extremely picky.
[looks at Rory]
Becky's: For instance, Rory grins too much. He looks like an insane person.
[looks at Puck]
Becky's: Is that a mohawk, Puckerman, or did someone glue a squirrel to your head? No Chang do. I'm no rice queen.
[looks at Artie]
Becky's: Now that's more like it: sweet, sexy and handi-capable like me, with a voice as velvety as my favorite Sunday church dress. It's decided: Artie Abrams, you're my new boyfriend.

Finn: That's the thing about cheating: when you really love someone you'll do anything to keep them safe.

Will: Look, I know from experience that making someone else suffer doesn't make your pain go away. You're all amazing, no matter what Vocal Adrenaline says or does. We just need to find a way to remind ourselves of that.
Finn: Well, we can't just let Vocal Adrenaline get away with turning Rachel into an omelet.
Will: We're not. Rachel, dial Jesse's number on your phone.
[she does so and hands the phone to him]
Santana: You haven't deleted his number yet?
Will: Jesse St. James? Will Schuester here. You and Vocal Adrenaline need to meet at our auditorium Friday, 3:00 sharp.

Jane: Hello. I'm America's Jane Lynch. In October 2012 on the Paramount soundstages the cast and crew of Glee filmed a Christmas episode entitled "Rough Trade Santa." Upon viewing the director's cut, Fox executives recoiled in horror and then locked the episode in a lead vault where it languished for an entire year. A new, less controversial Christmas episode containing an entire act dedicated to biracial Judaism was rushed into production and aired in its place. After a year of pleas from fans all over the world, the episode will now air with several edits. Gone is an entire subplot involving Blaine and his obsession with Yule logs. Lost forever are several scenes explaining why Will Schuester abandoned his Washington dreams to come back and teach his merry band of miscreants and losers. So, sit back, relax, have some eggnog and enjoy, if you dare the never-aired Glee Christmas episode.

Emma: [hears Rachel throwing up] Rachel, did you just throw up?
Rachel: [defensively] No.
Emma: You missed the toilet.
Rachel: The girl who was throwing up before me left that. I tried, but I guess I just don't have a gag reflex.
Emma: One day when you're older, that'll turn out to be a gift.

Jesse St. James: So, what is it? Your dream.
Rachel: I don't know.
Jesse St. James: Well, then go inside, find it, and ask it what it's gonna take.
Rachel: Why are you pushing this?
Jesse St. James: Because you're my girlfriend, and I want to know all your secrets. When you lie awake at night, what's missing?

Emma: They say it takes more certainty than talent to be a star. Look at John Stamos.

Sue: Let me break it down for you, William. You're standing at a crossroads. You have two choices. Number one: this trophy will be installed in the choir room in a custom-built bulletproof case as a daily reminder of your failure as a man and an educator.
Will: And what's choice number two?
Sue: You can kiss me, right here on the lips, with tongue.
Will: This is payback, isn't it?
[she smirks]
Will: No one will know? Fine.
[they lean in to kiss, when she suddenly stops]
Sue: You know what? I'm not gonna do this. Even your breath stinks of mediocrity. It's making me sick.

Tina: I have to tell you something. I've... been faking it.
Artie: Faking what?
Tina: I don't have a stutter. I pretended to have one in sixth grade because I didn't want to give a speech on the Missouri Compromise. I was really shy, and it made people think I was weird, so they left me alone. And it wasn't until I joined Glee Club that I realized how much I was missing. I don't want to push people away anymore. You understand what that's like, don't you?
Artie: No. I don't. I would never try to push people away, 'cause being in a chair kind of does that for you.
[sadly]
Artie: I really thought we had something really important in common.
Tina: [he starts to roll away] Wait, Artie. I'm sorry.
Artie: [stopping] I am, too. I'm sorry now you get to be normal and I'm gonna be stuck in this chair the rest of my life. And that's not something I can fake.

Noah: [to Rachel] Are you questioning my badass-ness?
[rolls back shirt sleeve]
Noah: Have you seen my guns?

Burt: [finding Kurt taking down color swatches from his wall] Hey. You finally choose one?
Kurt: No. They're all wrong.
Burt: Well, they all look like gray to me.
Kurt: Well, maybe if they were different colored sports uniforms, you'd work harder to try and tell them apart.
Burt: I knew it. I knew when I started in on the football with Finn, you'd take it personal.
Kurt: How could I not, dad? When was the last time you were that engaged in a conversation with me?

Rachel: Here are the glee club members who are not pulling their weight.
Will: This is half the club.

Brittany: Now I know what Miley feels like.

Sue: Why would I stoop to such puerile acts? Because I hate you, Will Schuester, and I will stop at nothing until I see you homeless in the streets drinking gutter runoff and allowing passersby to perform lewd acts on your butt chin for money. You are a fatuous, dim-witted, borderline pederast who tears up faster than a gay jihadi in a sandstorm. You have befouled the profession of teaching by accepting not only one but two Teacher of the Year Awards despite not speaking a word of the foreign language you purport to teach. Like the storied predators of yesteryear, Will, you pick only the most vulnerable students to favor while actively neglecting the others. Like that gross kid with the dreadlocks, or that poor Irish idiot Rory, or the black dancer whose name none of us remember because you rode his back to a win at sectionals and then promptly ignored him into oblivion. You positively worship a student if they can so much as carry a tune and yet you don't know a single name of the only true musical geniuses in that choir room: THE BAND, who have demonstrated time and again that they can, at the drop of a hat, play literally any song you can name and still you treat them like so much nameless human garbage. Your bizarre, psychosexual obsession with that Glee Club was disturbing from the first moment you stalked a nude student in the showers. You know, I'm honestly surprised you didn't re-enact what was clearly the formative event of your own teenage years and Sandusky the poor kid right there and then. Oh, and I think those absorbent sweater vests actually hide the fact that you lactate every time you give one of your excruciatingly condescending pep talks. Your charms wore off a long time ago, William. Somewhere around Bieber Week. So why don't you take your washboard abs and your washboard forehead and get the hell out of my office. Oh, and take that uncomfortable smirk and the nine foot fart you must be holding in with you, and let'er rip the second you get home. Because, you know what, if you're lucky that sphincter might just toot out the first minute and a half of "Wheel in the Sky," which is the only Journey song you haven't yet managed to ruin.

Sue: [Brittany is reluctant to perform her cannon stunt] To put your toddler, fist-sized mind at rest, we'll do one final test run.
[putting a life-size doll inside, she fires the cannon, which utterly destroys the doll]
Sue: Any of you take German? I may have to read the owner's manual.

Will: Listen, I gotta run. I've got an appointment to show my apartment.
April: What's this now.
Will: Yeah, so... I need to rent out my apartment and find a smaller place to live... uh... because I'm getting a divorce.
April: Divorce! So you're free to date? And by "date," I mean sleep with people, and by "sleep with," I mean have sex with people - people like me! Kidding. Not really.

Rachel: Finn, I'd like to give you something in exchange for what you gave me.
[lets him touch her boobs]
Finn: [whispering] Thank you, Grilled Cheesus...

Quinn: We shouldn't be talking like this. It's not right.
Kurt: I'm sorry, Quinn. But you all can believe whatever you want to. But I can't believe something I don't. I appreciate your thoughts, but I don't want your prayers.

Sue: So how do you think you can help me? Are you here to tell me how to deal with this?
Kurt: Not at all.
Sue: 'Cause if I was being honest with you, Eddie Munster and Herman Munster, I don't know how to deal with this. I can't go back into that nursing home and start sorting through Jean's things.

Will: Okay, I'm really happy that you guys have all bonded. The problem is that all of this negative stuff is keeping other students from auditioning.
Tina: Good. Why do we need new members?
Will: Well, since Matt transfered, we only have eleven members, and if we want to go to nationals, if we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline, we have to go from a small rebel force to a giant wall of sound.
Rachel: Yeah, Mr. Schuester's right, you guys. You didn't see Vocal Adrenaline at regionals. They were epic. We're gonna need more voices in order to beat them.
Finn: Yeah. I'm with Rachel on this one.
Brittany S. Pierce: Gross.

Will: Okay, guys, we're a little behind for sectionals, thanks to our Sue Sylvester detour, but you guys seem to really enjoy doing mash-ups, right? And I'm gonna keep you guys fired up. Plus, there's an important lesson to be learned with mash-ups. Sometimes things are so different, they don't feel like they go together. But the big difference between them is what makes them great, like... chocolate and bacon.
Finn: Or Glee Club and football.
Will: Exactly. But you've proven that it is a great combination. So, here is my personal favorite song, and your homework for the week is to find an unexpected mash-up to go with it.
Kurt: "Bust a Move"?
Mercedes: Yeah, this song is old-school.
Will: All right, um... Artie?
Artie: Yeah?
Will: Try to follow along on the bass. Finn, take us through it.
Finn: Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Schuester. I got corn syrup in my eye.
Will: Okay. Uh, Puck, how about it?
Noah: I don't really groove on Young MC.
Rachel: I am shocked at the lack of leading man ambition in this room right now.
Will: It's okay, Rachel. I guess I'm gonna have to show these guys how it's done.

Santana: Can we all just stop lying about how there aren't any things we would change about ourselves? I mean, I'm sure Sam's been at the doctor's office and rifled through pamphlets on mouth reduction. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyways. And I'm definitely sure Tina's looked into an eye de-slanting.
Tina: That's extraordinarily racist.
Santana: I'm just keepin' it real.
Tina: I'm in love with myself and I would never change a thing.
Mike: Is that why you're wearing blue contacts today, Tina? Self-hatin' Asian.

Brody: [to Rachel] Here's the thing. I will respect your boundaries, but just know that when we're together, whatever we talk about, whatever we're doing, I'm thinking of kissing you.

Blaine: If he and I got married, the Gap would give me a 50 percent discount.

Kurt: [after his solo audition] Any sage advice?
Blaine: Don't try so hard next time.
Kurt: I didn't realize that caring was frowned upon.
Blaine: I don't know how it worked at your old school, but did you notice that we all wear uniforms around here? It's about being part of the team.
Kurt: I guess I'm just used to having to scream to get noticed.
Blaine: You're not going to make it as a Warbler if all you care about is getting noticed.
Kurt: You're right. I'm sorry.
Blaine: I know it's going to take some getting used to, but you'll fit in soon enough. I promise.

Artie: She slashed the tires on my wheelchair 17 times!
Mercedes: She swapped out my hair weave glue with mayonnaise
Kurt: She made a fake elevator, which she trapped us in, then she pumped airborne drugs through the vents and she built a small robot to try and force us to kiss while it watched and made noises.
Blaine: She put a live bear in my house!
Rachel: Sue Sylvester came all the way to New York City to see me in my opening night on broadway Honey Girl only to get up and leave in the middle of my performance to have sex all over my apartment!
Joe: She cut my dreads off!
Geraldo: Why do you think she hates the Glee Club so much? Do you have an explanation?
Artie: She's had it out for the Glee Club from the very beginning. Before we came along the Cheerios were the stars of this school and then we showed up and she's never forgiven us for stealing her thunder!

Jake: [to Ryder] Dude, you are like some kind of love genius. Do you spend all your time watching Lifetime?

Kurt: I say we lock Rachel up till after sectionals. I volunteer my basement.
Mercedes: We can't. We need her to sing.
Kurt: Damn her talent.

Kurt: We're not in Ohio anymore, Rachel.

Kurt: I'm really happy that you're alive, David.
Dave: Me, too.
Kurt: I should have returned your calls.
Dave: Why would you, after the way I've treated you?
Kurt: It's okay.
Dave: No, it's not okay. It's like you said on Valentine's Day, I made your life a living hell for months, but when the same thing happened to me, I couldn't even take it for a week. I suppose a best friend telling me he never wants to talk to me again, my mom telling me that I have a disease and maybe I can be cured. I don't know what to do. I can't go back to that school.
Kurt: Then go to another school. I'm not gonna lie to you, it it isn't gonna be easy. And there'll be some days when life just sucks, but you're gonna get through this 'cause I'm gonna help you. And so is everyone else who loves you and accepts you for who you are. And if they can't accept that, then screw 'em, right?
Dave: Yeah.

Jesse St. James: [flashback, making out with Rachel] We should do it.
Rachel: It?
Jesse St. James: Totally. Haven't you ever done it before?
Rachel: No. Have you?
Jesse St. James: [chuckles] What do you think? It's no big deal.
Rachel: It is for a girl!

Dr. Carl Howell: Hey, now. Am I interrupting?
Emma: Carl, no. Hi. What are you doing here?
Dr. Carl Howell: I thought I'd surprise you and take you to lunch.
[seeing her expression]
Dr. Carl Howell: Oh, I love that look of instant panic every time I try to change your routine. Adorable.

Sue: You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That was hard.

Sue: I'll often yell at homeless people "Hey, hows that homelessness working out for you?" Give *not* homeless a try!

Will: Okay, Quinn, it's your day to show us your funky side. So, take it away.
Quinn: For some of us... just simply getting to class takes a little bit longer. When you're pregnant, you're responsible for two lives. And you're walking down the hallway oppressed by the Man.
Mercedes: [to herself] Oh, my goodness, she is not about to go there.

Noah: I really want to win this game, and I figure it's the only way us Glee studs are ever gonna get any respect around here.
Finn: What's your point?
Noah: My point is that none of that's gonna happen unless you and I become allies again, like Maverick and Iceman at the end of "Top Gun".
Finn: So why'd you sing that duet with Rachel?
Rachel: [flashback to the choir room] I need you to do this number with me to make Finn jealous.
Noah: Nothing like that will ever happen again. You lead, and I got your back. We need to win this championship and become legends.

Rachel: You set me up. With Finn!
Kurt: Looks like someone is running for drama queen again.
Rachel: How could you do that? I thought we were friends.
Kurt: And what made you think that? You should be thanking me. All I did was help you realize that your schoolgirl fantasy of running off with Finn was nothing but a fairy tale.
Rachel: You like him. Yeah, that's... that's what this is. And you were just trying to eliminate the competition.
Kurt: I was just helping him understand that you are not a viable second choice.
Rachel: You think I'm a second choice?
Kurt: A distant second.
Rachel: You think I'm living in a fairy tale? If I were second or if I were 50th, I'd still be ahead of you because I'm a girl.
Kurt: Okay, here's the dope, princess: there's no hope for either of us. He loves Quinn. They're having a baby together. We're nothing but distractions. The sooner we realize that... the better.

Brittany: I don't wanna die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets cancelled.

Sue: [Looks up sniffing] Oh, hey William. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.
Will: Wow Sue. I'm really impressed.
Sue: Yeah well, Madonna is legend. I want my girls to learn all the lessons she has to offer. Strength. Independence. Nobody quite like the material girl to empower my Cheerios. Just like your hair dresser has empowered you to look absolutely ridiculous.
Will: [undaunted and smiling] I'll see you later Sue.

Sue: Your resentment... is delicious.

Lauren: [lustfully watching Schue perform with the Glee Club] I want to be that hat!

Burt: How'd the tryout go?
Kurt: They gave the part to Rachel.
Burt: I knew they were gonna rig it. I'm going down to that school and I'm talking to Schuester.
Kurt: I blew the note. I wanted to lose.
Burt: Kurt, I stuck my neck out for you, and you go and you throw the game?
Kurt: Dad, I've known who I was since I was five. I adapted. Being different made me stronger. And at the end of the day, it's what's going to get me out of this cow town. You never had to do that.
Burt: I can handle myself just fine.
Kurt: No, you can't. Not about this. That phone call yesterday was just the beginning. Especially if I get up in front of a thousand people to sing a girl's song. When I saw you right after you got the call, and you were so hurt and so upset... it just killed me. I'm not saying I'm going to hide in the closet. I'm... I'm proud of who I am. I'm just saying that I love you more than I love being a star.

Finn: I'm losing it. I'm tired all the time-I can't keep my eyes open. I know how lucky I am; captain of the football team, glee stud. I know I should be excited about Quinn. She's hot, popular, she's carrying my baby and all, but I can't get Rachel out of my head. She kinda freaks me out in a Swimfan kinda way, but she can really sing and her body is smoking-if you're not into boobs. My body's a mess. I found a hair on my ear the other day and I have to rub biofreeze on my shins a couple times a day-growing pains. It's smells pretty bad but I mask it with Drakkar Noir. Being a guy my age is tough. Between Glee, Football, and school. and being popular, I'm kinda overwhelmed. Everyone wants something from me and I don't have the energy to do it all. I don't know how important people, like presidents or newscasters or mob bosses do it. My mom says I'm stretched too thin so I gave up homework, but that didn't help. All I know is that last night I got vaporized on level two. Level two-and I didn't even have the energy to care.

Will: Sue, you are unbelievable.
Sue: And you are a terrible spy. You might try breathing through your nose sometime. If you were a sniper, I would have already radioed in your coordinates. Just like in the Falklands.
Will: I'm not gonna let you bully that girl, Sue.
Sue: Oh, I bully everybody, Will. It's how I roll.
Will: Yeah, but this is different. She's not like everybody else.
Sue: I want you to listen to what you just said, Willliam. You're asking me to treat this girl differently because she has a disability. When actually, it seems to me, she just wants to be treated like everybody else. Why are you doing this?
Will: Because I know you. And you're up to something.
Sue: You don't know the first thing about me.

Marley: I was naive and insecure and self-centered, and now Glee Club's over.
Finn: Well, you and I are still here, right?

Finn: Dude, I'm sympathetic for you. I just don't see you on the football team.
Artie: Imagine you were pushing me in this big hunk of metal down the field at full speed. The centrifugal force would be too much to stop. I'd be like a medieval battering ram.
Finn: Dude, you'd be like a human cannonball. That would be awesome!

Brittany: [after puking on Rachel at the assembly] Everybody drink responsibly.

Kurt: The only cure to loneliness is cake.

Kurt: You're extremely talented, Rachel. Watching you perform is... amazing. But sometimes it's hard to appreciate what a good singer you are because all I'm thinking about is shoving a sock into your mouth.

Burt: I sat through that whole Brokeback Mountain. From what I gather, something went down in the tent.

Rachel: I always thought the boys' locker room would be all sexy, but actually, it smells like feet in here.

Rachel: Hey, uh, did you get your solo?
Kurt: Sadly, no.
Rachel: Oh, wow, if you didn't a solo, then they must be really good. We are doomed. Sorry, that was selfish. What I meant to say was "Wow, that... that really sucks. I'm... I'm sure you were really good."
Kurt: I was. I mean, I think I was. Being in the Warblers has really made me question everything I thought about myself.
Rachel: Yeah. What has become of us, Kurt? So, do you miss us?
Kurt: I do. Being a Warbler is great, but I don't think they appreciate my individuality as much as you guys did, and I can't help but think that I let you guys down.
Rachel: It's your life, Kurt, and you weren't safe at McKinley anymore, and we all get it.
Kurt: How come you were never this nice to me when I was your teammate?
Rachel: Because you were my only real competition.

Santana: [to Quinn] You know what? We get it. You're pissed about Finn dumping your sweet ass. Get over it.
Quinn: I don't want to get over it! Okay?
Santana: The only person that you're sabotaging is yourself.
Quinn: I don't care about some stupid show choir competition!
Santana: Well, you should because this is the one chance that we have to actually feel good about ourselves!
Quinn: [begins to cry] Aren't we suppose to be the popular girls? So why can't we have our dreams come true? Rachel has Finn, Tina has Mike and even Lauren's hooked up. I just wanted for somebody to love me.

Hunter: [Turning around in a chair with a cat in his lap, like a Bond villain] I'm the new captain of the Warblers... and I'm not even remotely bi-curious.

Sue: [to Will] Oh, hey William... I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.

Sandy: How bad is the pain?
Noah: The doc said the shark fractured my spinal cord
Sandy: This is why I don't go to the aquarium. Okay son. I'm going to give you the full amount I can. 20 cents on the dollar
Noah: [voiceover] I don't put enough in to give you hallucinations or get you high. Just enough to give you a real case of the munchies.

Rachel: Hey, you all right? You seem a little down. Didn't you like the banana bread I baked you?
Finn: Yeah, it was awesome. It's just... how do you feel about me not being on the football team anymore?
Rachel: I'm actually kind of happy about it. That I don't have to fantasize about what song I'd sing at your bedside if you were in a coma.
Finn: Yeah. I'm just so not cool now, you know?
Rachel: Well, it's just less of a chance of you running off with some cheerleader.
Finn: Wait, so you want me to feel bad about myself?
Rachel: No, I just... I want to be the only thing that makes you feel good.
[seeing his expression]
Rachel: I'm just trying to be honest.

Mercedes: Yeah, they say that one out of every ten people are gay. And if that's true, that means one of the 12 Apostles might have been gay and my guess is Simon because that name's the gayest.

Rachel: Performing is my life. And yes, do I have opinions about it? Does my need to constantly express those opinions annoy my fellow Glee Clubbers?
Finn: Yes.
[realizing what he said]
Finn: That was out loud, wasn't it?

Tina: Losing my virginity was a great experience for me. Because I was with someone I love. It happened in summer. Mike and I had talked about it for a while, because we knew that the first time was gonna be something we wanna remember forever. And when that moment came, we just knew. It was right, it wasn't rushed... It was amazing. He's my first love, and I'll always look back at that moment as absolutely perfect. No regrets.

Will: [turns to address club] Ballad. From Middle English, balade. Who knows what this word means?
Brittany: It's a male duck.

Rory: Would you be my friend, Finn?
Finn: Whoa, whoa.
Rory: It would be an honor.
Finn: In America, dudes don't ask dudes to be their friends. Well, except on Facebook, but even that could take years.

Brittany S. Pierce: [to Santana] I think you need to be somewhere that's as big and as hot as you are. It's okay to follow your dreams.

Will: Sue! What kind of teacher are you?
Sue: Hey buddy! I just came by to feed my Venus flytrap!

Blaine: [Walking down the Dalton Stairs to find Sebastian waiting] Sebastian! Of course it was you.
Sebastian: No, it wasn't,
[Shaking his head]
Sebastian: I swear!
[His voice very honest]
Sebastian: I turned over a new leaf, remember?
[Blaine nods an 'Oh that's right' s they begin to walk toward the Warbler Room]
Sebastian: No more bullying, blackmail or assault this year.
[Saying with a big grin]
Blaine: [Dryly] That must be boring for you.
Sebastian: Yeah, it is
[Now with a sad grin]
Sebastian: ; Being nice sucks.

Rachel: What if he says I'll never sing again? I mean, who am I without my voice? I-I-I... I'm just this spoiled, annoying only child...
Finn: Don't say that. There's, like, so many awesome things about you.
Rachel: Like?
Finn: [dodging the question] Look, he's not gonna say you'll never sing again.
Dr. Gidwani: [entering] Bad news, Rachel. You'll probably never sing again.
[she gasps in horror]
Dr. Gidwani: I'm kidding. You have severe tonsillitis, which has resulted in an inner ear infection. From the looks of things, it's not the first time. You should have had them out years ago.

Sue: [Quinn and her friends are planning to join Glee Club] You three are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We're going to bring this club down from within.
Quinn: And I'm going to get my boyfriend back.
Sue: I don't care so much about that.

Sue: [to Santana] What is with you glee club ex-pats? Don't you have jobs. You have to have some source of income so you can pay the staff of scientists who service your teleporters that you all clearly on since you're constantly showing up here.

Santana: Gosh, that song was so depressing. I may actually be dead now.

Jesse St. James: What were you just rehearsing?
Rachel: A guy came to Glee Club to talk to us about dreams. Luckily, I've known mine since I was four. I'm going to play three roles on Broadway: Evita, Funny Girl, and Laurey in "Oklahoma!". I was just practicing her dream ballet with Curly. It's what I do when I'm feeling a little stressed.

Noah: 1200 bucks. That's enough for the short bus and two cases of Natty Light for the ride home.
Will: Oh, dream on, buddy.

Will: It's not the broken dreams that break us. It's the ones we don't dare to dream.

Noah: Rachel was a hot Jew, and the good Lord wanted me to get in her pants.

Kendra: [stunned to see her kids all asleep in bed] I think this is the first time they have all been asleep at the same time. What's that smell?
Quinn: Soap.
Terri: You got them to take a bath?
Kendra: What are you, an exorcist?

Quinn: You can't be in here. It's the girls' bathroom.
Noah: I'm always here. The stalls are cleaner.

Blaine: Are you okay? You kept making those weird faces the whole song.
Kurt: Those weren't weird faces. Those were my sexy faces.
Blaine: It just look like you're having gas pains or something.

Sue: Hey, this way, fellas. Let's punch out this wall here. That'll open up the space a little bit.
Will: Sue, what are you doing?
Sue: I can't talk to you now, William. Drafting class is helping me redecorate around here. You see, I have Nationals over the weekend, and I expect to return with a comically large first place trophy for which I have absolutely no room in my trophy case. As soon as you hurry up and lose at regionals, this choir room will become my official trophy annex.
[to the Drafting students]
Sue: You know what it has to look like? Elvis' gold record room at Graceland. Except I'll be wanting far fewer morbidly obese white women waddling around and crying.
Will: Sue, get out of my room.
Sue: Glee Clubbers, for those of you whose hearing has not been damaged by massive doses of Acutane, listen up. In a few weeks, Glee Club will be finished. Now, how do I know that? Well, I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie, who told me that you're 40-1 underdogs at regionals. You are going to lose, and your dreams will be crushed.
Will: Sue, can I see your trophy?
Sue: Sure, Will. Hope and dream.
[taking the trophy, he hurls it against the wall]
Will: You dropped your trophy, Sue.

Sue: I'm all about empowerment. I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.

April: Okay, fellas, grab a gal. Or grab a another fella if that's the way the good Lord made ya. 'Cause it's a couples skate!

Katie: Do you regret the choice of attempting to fire a student out of a cannon? Other than attracting headlines and launching a national debate on the safety of athletes, was it really worth it?
Sue: Honestly, I was just trying to feel something.
Katie: And how do you feel now that the remainder of the annual Cheerios! budget is going to the Glee Club?
Sue: I'm sorry?
Katie: Let's take a look.
[turning on a videocassette of herself dancing with Schue]
Katie: After a little song and dance to support the arts, I sat down with McKinley Glee Club director Will Schuester.
Will: I have to say, I'm thrilled. Sue got what was coming to her, and now we don't have to hold a bake sale to pay for the bus to regionals.
Katie: [pausing the tape] Thoughts?
Sue: I hate you, Diane Sawyer.

Marley: You're a natural leader, Finn. A teacher. You don't need Mr. Shue's approval to be that.
Finn: Yeah, but I do need a little thing called a teaching degree.
Marley: So, go get one.

April: These high school boys are a lot hotter than they used to be. That Finn Hudson is one cutie pie I gots my eye on.
Rachel: Finn's taken, April.
April: Yeah, well, some guys like a little somethin'-somethin' on the side.
Rachel: I think your behavior is totally inappropriate, and your presence in this school is a complete travesty. What you choose to do with your life is your own business, but don't go around screwing up everyone else's.
April: I'm not afraid of you, sweetie. There was a time when I was the biggest star around here. And now that I've got that back... I'm never letting it go.

Kitty: [to Puck] Look, I usually avoid dating Jewish guys on account of your people killing my Jesus. I was willing to make an exception because of your biceps but I'm gonna have to end this little experiment in religious tolerance if you don't stop dancing like an idiot.

Finn: So, Sam, tell us about yourself.
Sam: My name's Sam Evans. I like comic books, sports. I'm dyslexic, so my grades aren't that good, but... I'm working on it.
Noah: Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?
Sam: I don't... know. I've never had any balls in my mouth. Have you?
Finn: [quietly to Artie] I like this kid.
Artie: I like his confidence, but the Bieber cut's gotta go.

Will: Hey, Bryan.
Bryan: Hello, Will. Just taking stock of the home ec supplies. You see, our home ec program teaches practical skills like food service preparation. Can't feed a child sheet music, Will. I mean, I suppose you could for a while, but... they'd be dead in a month.
Will: I'd like to buy you a beer.
Bryan: Oh.
Will: No, no, no. I want to convince you that you're wrong.
Bryan: You won't.

Randy: Okay, guys, we're very excited to have you here. We here at Mattress Land believe that mattresses aren't just for sleeping and fornicating anymore. We believe that buying an affordable mattress should be fun.

Finn: Who am I? I barely even graduated high school and my life has absolutely no direction.
Rachel: Don't you get it? No matter how rich, or famous or successful I become, when it comes to you, I'm always going to be that moon-eyed girl who freaked you out at a first glee rehearsal. You are the first boy who made me feel loved, and sexy, and visible. You are my first love. And I want more than anything for you to be my last, but I can't do this anymore. At least not now. We're done.

Finn: Father was brave enough to fight in some desert thousands of miles away, and I can't even go over Dudley Road and tell the Fabrays the truth.
Kurt: Your father didn't charge into the breach empty-handed. He had a weapon.
Finn: You think I should bring a gun?

Brittany: I'm paralyzed with fear. I've been here since 2nd period. I really really have to pee.

Will: You seem to be taking this Jesse thing pretty hard.
Rachel: I want him to be eaten by a lion.

Santana: How can you do a duet by yourself? Its like vocal masturbation or something.

Will: Artie, you okay?
Artie: My life is over. How am I supposed to support a baby? How could you not tell me about this?
Will: Wait. Brittany, are you pregnant?
Brittany: Definitely. I am so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when it dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.
Noah: Umm. Babies don't get dropped off.
Will: Wait. Brittany, have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure.
Brittany: I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.

Mike: I'm looking forward to the first time I dance at Carnegie Hall.

Rachel: Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?
Artie: Isn't that against the rules?
Rachel: No, not at all. Or probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out; I rooted through the dumpsters behind the Carmel auditorium and I found eighteen empty boxes of Christmas lights.
Tina: Oh, no.
Rachel: Which led me to Joelle Fabrics. I asked them about red Chantilly lace, and they were sold out.
Mercedes: Oh, sweet Jesus.
Kurt: Oh, my.
Will: Wait, wait, wait. What?
Kurt: They're doing Gaga.
Mercedes: That's it. It's over.
Rachel: Exactly.
Kurt: We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them.

Blaine: If we all share musical shame with each other, we could all become a more cohesive team for regionals.

Santana: The only straight I am is straight up bitch.

Finn: What are we going to do?
Quinn: What are you going to do?
Finn: I'm looking for a job. I mean no one's hiring. I almost got in at Olive Garden, but they said I was too tall to be a busboy.

Burt: How's school?
Kurt: It's fine, I guess. There's this new kid, Sam, in Glee Club. He and I are singing a duet together.
Burt: Is that a problem?
Kurt: Finn practically begged me not to. He said it'd ruin Sam's reputation.
Burt: Well, this kid Sam, uh... you know, does he... he play for your team?
Kurt: Undetermined.
Burt: Oh. Maybe Finn has a point.
Kurt: [incredulous] You're siding with him, after what he called me in our basement?

Jesse St. James: Most spots are 2,500 watts. This one is ten times brighter. We have to wear sunscreen onstage, but it's worth it.
Rachel: I guess everything is bigger and brighter here.

Burt: That was some serious singing, kid.
Kurt: That was "Rose's Turn".
Burt: I could get into that, maybe.
Kurt: What happened to the hoagies?
Burt: Ah, blew it off. You know, too much cholesterol.
Kurt: I bet Finn was disappointed.
Burt: He understood, uh... once I told him how bent out of shape I thought you were.
Kurt: Me? I'm fine.
Burt: Kurt, I'm dumb, but I'm not stupid. And I have no idea what that song was about, but "fine" don't sing like you just sung.

Rachel: Hey, guys. Did any of you think it was weird the way that Puck rushed to Quinn's aid during rehearsals yesterday?
[flashback; in the choir room, Quinn falls to the floor, and both Finn and Puck kneel down beside her]
Finn: Is it the baby? Is it coming?
Noah: Think we're supposed to get hot towels.
Quinn: Would you both just shut up? There's, like, sweat on the floor. I slipped, okay? I'm fine.
[return to real time]
Mercedes: [sharing an awkward look with the others] No...
Artie: I mean, he likes her. I mean, they're friends. We all know that.
Rachel: Yeah, but it seemed like more than that. I've never told you guys this before, but I'm a little psychic. I can't read minds or anything yet, but I do have a sixth sense. Something is definitely going on there.

Kurt: I'm looking forward to watching my dad make a difference in Congress.

Principal: Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem, but let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of last time.

Mercedes: [Puck is trying to impress her so he can start dating her] What are they doing here?
Noah: I invited my brothers from the jazz band and their righteous horns to help me out with my song. Since I shaved my mohawk, I started seeing things differently. Last week, I joined a black church, and I recently downloaded every song Sammy Davis Jr. ever recorded on iTunes. He was a black Jew, you know. And my inspiration. So, without further ado, I give you one of Sammy's biggest hits.

Becky: [to Will] Give me some chocolate, or I will cut you.

Sue: [to Santana and Brittany] Ladies, I misjudged you. You may be the two stupidest teens I've ever encountered. And that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to a young Sarah Palin.

Will: I don't know what to say.
April: Just say congratulations. I took your advice. I went home, I told Buddy that if he wanted to keep me around, he had to ditch the old lady and give yours truly the top job. And then he died.
[she snickers]
April: One of his eyes went all funny and he had a stroke right in front of me.
Will: Jeez, April, are you okay?
April: Okay? I'm rich. The old battle ax was afraid I'd go to the Lima Times, so she shut me up to the tune of $2 million. So I'm sobering up and I'm heading to the Broadway, Will. I haven't had a drink in forty-five minutes.

Kurt: [voiceover] Three weeks to the day since his funeral and it's the first time I've had the courage to even look at the suit I wore to it. And now back to Lima for a special memorial. Mr. Shue is planning. We're all going back everyone who can. Being together is hard it makes it more real but I also need my friends right now. People keep asking me, "How are you feeling? What are you feeling?" I have no answers. Honestly, what can you say about a 19-year-old who dies? Everyone wants to talk about how he died, too, but who cares? One moment in his whole life. I care more about how he lived. And anyone who has a problem with that should remember that he was my brother. I only keep that out when I know she won't come in.
[normal voice]
Kurt: Rachel? I'm going now.
[voiceover]
Kurt: This isn't real. I'm not going home for this. He's going to be there. I'm going to spend my entire life missing him.

Brittany: [during Glist interrogation] I don't know how to turn on a computer.

Brittany S. Pierce: I want Lord Tubbington to kick his Ecstasy addiction.

Shannon: Studies show that the best way to bring in alumni donations is through a successful athletic department; specifically, a winning football team.
Sue: Who's this?
Shannon: I'm Shannon Beiste. I'm the new football coach. Spelled B-E-I-S-T-E. It's French.
Will: I'm sorry, what happened to Ken Tanaka?
Principal: Nervous breakdown. Don't look at it as a punishment. Look at it as an investment into your clubs' futures. The more money the football program brings in, the more I can give back to you guys! Coach Beiste here is fresh off her fifth consecutive all-Missouri high school football championship. We've very lucky to have her!
Shannon: What can I say? I like a challenge.
Sue: First of all, a female football coach, like a male nurse, sin against nature. Number two, I'm sure you're used to hilbilly parents yelping adulation at you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles. But you're in my house now, Beiste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.
Shannon: Do not get up into a panther's business, lady. You're all coffee and no omelet.
Sue: That doesn't make any sense.

Kurt: I have no criticisms. Go with God, Satan... Santana.

Kurt: Now, obviously, for this medley to work, I'm going to have to sing lead, and, of course, when you're singing Diana Ross, Bob Mackie-esque maribou feather boas are a must.
Artie: Isn't this lesson about opposites? I mean, you in sequined gown and feather boa is exactly what you'd expect.
Kurt: Okay, who said anything about a gown?
Noah: Uh, dude, why don't you make yourself useful and go put some rat poison in the old folks' Jell-O, or visit the garglers?
Kurt: The Warblers.
Noah: Whatever. See what they're up to. And you can wear all the feathers you want. You'll blend right in.

Kurt: What is the worst thing a student can do at this school?
Tina: Eat in the cafeteria?
[she and Mercedes snicker]
Kurt: No. Be a disruption in the library. And I'm not talking about trying to check out a reference book. Mm-mm. I'm talking about full-on chaos. Including getting your Glee on in the stacks.
Artie: Genius.

Artie: It's simple math, Mr. Schue. The Glists are posted at a height of five and a half feet, comfortably out of my reach. It could not have been me.

Will: So, every day after choir practice, I am instituting a mandatory booty camp. So we can work on our dancing. Now, it's not for all of you, just the people that I think need help. Like...
Finn: Finn.
Will: How did you know?

Artie: Um, excuse me. Why is she here?
Brittany: I've been here since first period. I had a cold, and I took all my antibiotics at the same time, and now I can't remember how to leave. But I also don't know why I've only made fourth on the Glist. I've made out with, like, everyone in this school. Girls, boys, Mr. Kidney the janitor.

Isabelle: [to Kurt] No, you should dream. You should dream very, very big and then you should work incredibly hard and make sure you do everything in your power to make it happen.

Ken: [after Kurt kicks a successful field goal] Can you do that with the game on the line and ten gorillas bearing down on you wanting nothing more than to taste your sweet virgin blood?
Kurt: Mmm, sounds like fun. Can I have my music?
Ken: You kick like that you can wear a tutu for all I care.
[Introducing him to the team]
Ken: Gentleman, we have found ourselves a kicker.

Sue: It's as barren as me in here, Will. Moving on to greener pastures?
Will: Did you just come to gloat, Sue?
Sue: Mostly.
Will: Well... congratulations. You got what you wanted. I should shake your hand.
Sue: Not unless you got some hand sanitizer. I've seen that car you drive. I don't want to catch poor.
Will: Explain something to me. Maybe we weren't good enough yet to beat Vocal Adrenaline. Fine. But we were so much better than Aural Intensity.
Sue: Oh, William, I can't reveal how the voting went down. That would betray my sacred oath as judge or something. The results simply show the other clubs to be more deserving.
[flashback, with Sue narrating in voiceover]
Sue: All I can say is casting my vote was easy. It reflected exactly how I felt in my heart about which team should win.
[she votes for New Directions for first place]

Sue: Anything else?
Brittany: Sometimes I forget my middle name.

Rachel: Look, if something bad happens to Kurt, and we didn't do anything to stop it, we'll never be able to live with ourselves.

Kitty: [to Kurt] Shouldn't you be in college or something? I thought gay people are all successful overachievers.

Rory: Sir, girls smell better than ham. And when they're dancing and bouncing around, you can't help but watch them.

Rachel: Why didn't you tell me Quinn was pregnant?
Finn: Who told you?
Rachel: Everybody knows but me. I'm the only fool who went out with you and let you kiss me, thinking you actually had feelings for me.
Finn: But I... I do. Look, yeah, I haven't been totally honest with you, but that's different than lying. Well, maybe it's not that much different, but... but look, I need to get a music scholarship, so I can go to college, so I can get a good job so I can take care of my kid, and I can't do that if you don't come back to Glee Club. You should take it as a compliment.
Rachel: You could have just been honest with me.
Finn: Look, I know what I did was wrong. I get that, but... that kiss was real.
Rachel: Whatever it was, it ruined any chance of me ever coming back to Glee. I hope you have fun playing house with Quinn while you languish in your little ensemble, but my dreams are bigger than that, and they're bigger than you.

Finn: I'm gonna petition the Army to change my dad's dishonorable discharge status to an honorable one.

Quinn: I know what I heard. There we were, making out, and he said it: "Beiste". I think he was picturing making out with her.
Sue: That is the most horrific image I can imagine.
Quinn: Coach, I need help. I've done everything I can to rehabilitate my image. I'm getting straight A's, dating the cutest guy at school.
Sue: Who would rather be dry-humping She-Hulk. Oh, dear god, why did I say that? Now that's what I'm picturing. Do you know what kind of disguisting images I'm gonna have to look at to get this out of my head? I'm gonna have to go straight to the wound care center. I'm gonna have to stare at some wounds.
Quinn: Coach, I really don't know what to do.
Sue: Wait. This may the opportunity I've been waiting for. A way to get Beiste out of this school and your Macaulay Culkin stunt double back in your arms.
Quinn: What do I have to do?
Sue: We need to go public with your pain. Get people talking about this, make Beiste into the next Mary Kay Letourneau. And you need to give him a piece of your mind. Loud and in public. Show him who's the boss. Oh, man. Now I'm picturing the two of them making out during an episoe of "Who's the Boss?".

Sue: High school is a caste system. Kids fall into certain slots. Your jocks and your popular kids up in the penthouse. The invisibles and the kids playing live-action out in the forest: bottom floor.
Will: And... where do the Glee kids lie?
Sue: Subbasement.

Finn: The truth is, I have no idea what I'm doing. I look around, and everyone knows where they're headed, or at least what they want. I'm lost. It's like I can't even remember who I am anymore.
[gets slushied in the face by several students]
Finn: Now I remember.

Shannon: [pretending to be Santa] Brittany, do you remember what you asked me for for Christmas?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, I asked for Artie to be able to walk.
Shannon: Is there anything else that you want? I mean, like, anything?
Brittany S. Pierce: No.
Shannon: Well, see, Santa's trying his best, but that one's a little hard.
Brittany S. Pierce: But you're magic.
Shannon: Sometimes what Santa wants to give a good girl like you is patience, because believe it or not, there are even some things that he can't manage. You know, there was a... a girl a little younger than you, and she was a little husky. She was always asking Santy for the same thing: to make her look more like the other girls. She wasn't asking to be pretty or nothing. But she just didn't want to stick out so much. Santa just couldn't do it. So instead, Santa gave her patience. And later on, that girl was... was glad that Santy didn't give her what she had asked him for. She... she put being husky to good use.
Brittany S. Pierce: Was her name Ricki Lake?
Shannon: [sighs] The point is... I don't think I'm gonna be able to give you what you're asking for, even though I'd like to.
Brittany S. Pierce: But, Santa...
Shannon: I'm sorry, pumpkin. It... it's... it's just not gonna happen.
Brittany S. Pierce: [she stands to leave] Aren't you going to go up the chimney?
Shannon: On dry runs, Santy uses the Isuzu.

Jesse St. James: What took you so long? Your dads will be home soon.
Rachel: There was so much stuff in the basement, it's like a shrine. It's creepy and flattering at the same time.

Artie: Just tell me why you would cheat on me.
Brittany: I don't know. Why would I cheat on you? Is this, like, a Mad Lib or something?
Artie: You cheated on me with Mike. You admitted it to me in the green room.
Brittany: When?
Artie: When I was accusing you of adultery.
Brittany: What does that have to do with me cheating?
Artie: Adultery means cheating.
Brittany: I thought it meant being stupid. Like being a dolt. I didn't cheat on you. I did something much worse. I lost your magic comb. I don't know what happened. I had it in my pocket. And then I went to motocross practice, and then when I left, it was gone. That's why I've been avoiding you. I was so ashamed. That magic comb was our only chance of winning, the only thing keeping me from totally screwing it up. I didn't want to let you down, Artie.
Artie: That wasn't a magic comb. I just found it on the floor and ran into you on the way to tossing it in the trash.
Brittany: And you let me comb my hair with it?

Principal: I'm sorry, Schue, but I cannot let this slide.
Will: But the kids weren't even paid!
Sue: There's a stack of mattresses in the choir room piled as high as the empty hair gel bottles in the dumpster outside your apartment!
Will: Okay, we'll give the mattreses back.
Principal: Schue, one of those mattresses was used. You can't return a used mattress. You can't even donate one to charity; lice, bedbugs. I looked it up online!
Sue: Is there any reason that you have a soiled mattress in your office, Will? Have you and the redhead become so sexually depraved that you have to commit your craven acts of adultery in between classes?
Principal: What?
Will: I slept... you know what? Okay, fine. I slept here, all right?
Principal: Excuse me?
Will: [sitting down with a heavy sigh] I'm thinking about leaving my wife.
Sue: Well, I didn't see that one coming at all.

Finn: Emperor Sylvester swooped in and carved the reservation hours into tenths. So the only time I was able to get was 9:54 on Friday night, and I'll be here, ready to rehearse and I hope you will, too because if you don't, I think you're going to regret missing that opportunity for the rest of your lives.

Will: Guys, you know, it's come to my attention that many of you haven't been treating the young ladies of our group very nicely lately. You're disrespectful, bullying, sexist, and, I hate to say it, misogynistic.
Finn: I have no idea what that means.
Brittany: When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a "misogynist".

Emma: Can you please, please not tell Will about this?
Holly: No, of course not. My lips are sealed.
Emma: Thank you.
Holly: Just like your legs. Oh. Ha! Kidding! God, that was rude, why did I say that? See, a real doctor would never have said that.

Sue: [to Brittany] I hold in my hand the most recent algebra test of one Becky Jackson. Our plucky little Ewok waddled her way to a respectable C plus. Your performance on the very same exam unearthed the hitherto undiscovered grade: F minus. You answered every question with "See Other Side" where you composed an elaborate crayon-scape entitled "Happyville: The Town Where Math Was Never Invented."

Sugar: I love the sound of applause even if I have to buy it.

Brittany: I would just like to say that from now on, I demand to have every solo in Glee Club.
Will: What?
Brittany: When I had my teeth cleaned, I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and danced better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am.
Santana: I went with her, and I had a Britney fantasy, too. Although now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really sure how our fantasies combined.

Santana: [to a kid] I think that somebody needs to freeze the fat for Christmas because somebody weighs more than Mrs. Claus.

Will: Hey, you wanted to see me?
Principal: William, there's someone I'd like to introuce you to. He's the newest member of our school board, and he'd like to speak to you. Will Schuester, meet Mr. Bryan Ryan.
Bryan: [smirking at Will] We've met.
Will: [voiceover] Bryan Ryan. We went to school together, and he made my life a living hell. He was two years older. Dated every girl I liked. Got every solo.
[flashback; Bryan and another student finish singing "Daydream Believer"]
Bryan: What's the matter, Schuester? Cat got your talent?

Kurt: Blaine, I'm a man who's always lived in the shadows. And everybody who's met me has always tried to pull me into the light or push me back into the darkness!
Santana: I was bullied, outed, and misunderstood.
Blaine: I honestly thought that I would never find real love.
Brittany S. Pierce: The world seemed so scary and confusing. It was all too fast and I felt dumb because my brain worked differently.
Kurt: And then you came along and even if someone had told me that it wouldn't work out and at the end of our struggling it would have ended in heartache.
Blaine: I would have said yes!
Santana: A thousand times yes!
Brittany S. Pierce: I would have given it all up even for the tiniest chance to be standing up here marrying you!
Kurt: I am a work in progress!
Blaine: I am a work in progress!
Santana: I am a work in progress!
Brittany S. Pierce: I am a work in progress!
Kurt: You don't ask me to come out of the shadows. You help rip away anything that's blocking out the sun. It's time for all of us to walk into the sunshine together, forever. Is that something you want to do?
Blaine: I do!
Santana: I do!
Brittany S. Pierce: I do!
Kurt: I do!

Santana: Where's Puck? I haven't seen him since yesterday, and I need him to get me a churro.
Mercedes: My guess is he'd rather quit Glee Club than lose sectionals, and I can't blame him. Our set's gonna be real light on the Mercedes.
Tina: I'm telling you, if the Warblers win sectionals, it's only because we gave them Kurt. We should not clap.
Brittany: If we lose, we should throw possums.

Marley: I'm a virgin!
Kitty: That's a shocker. To think nobody's tickled inside your musty, mildewed granny panties except for the family of crickets that nest in there.
Marley: Yeah, well... you wear a smaller bra than me.

Brittany: [to Santana] Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?

Sue: We're dealing with children, they need to be terrified, it's like mothers milk to them - without it their bones won't grow properly

Principal: Schue, I'm afraid Sue is right. You have indeed "stepped in it".
Will: I didn't even know that this was going on.
Sue: Well of course you didn't Will. You wouldn't even know if your Glee Club was using your office to breed rabbit for pets or for food. You know why? You're too busy chasing tail and loading your hair was enormous amounts of product. I mean today it just looks like you put lard in it.

[from trailer]
Brittany: [to Wade] That's a great haircut, Mercedes. I thought you graduated.

Candace: Okay, I'm just gonna come out and say it. This is a singing competition. I don't know how those deaf kids got in. They weren't singing; they were, like, honking and everyone was crying and I was, like, "Get off the stage. You're terrible and you're making me super uncomfortable."
Rod: Now, hold on just a second, Candy. Those Haverhurst kids twice had me reaching for my handkerchief, and those Jane Addams girls had it going on in all the right places.
Donna: Can I just say something? I have no idea what the hell I'm doing here. I'm serious. I don't understand what a glee club is, and I have never even heard the term "show choir" until about three hours ago when my boss told me he had tickets to NASCAR and I had to fill in at this fool event.

Mercedes: Rachel kind of got some intense news yesterday.
Quinn: We were spying on Vocal Adrenaline, and...
Will: You guys, that's not fair! You gotta stop doing that. But, uh, you know, what... what'd you find out?
Mercedes: Okay, y'all ready? Miss Corcoran, their coach? She's Rachel's mom.
Will: Are you serious?
Artie: Way to bury the lead, Mercedes.
Noah: We're screwed. Rachel's gonna jump ship over to Vocal Adrenaline.
Rachel: [entering] Never. I really don't want to talk about it, though. I'm still processing the news. And my dads are moving my therapist to our spare room later this afternoon. All I know is that I'm not going anywhere, and I've chosen a Lady Gaga look the longing for a childhood I was deprived of.
Brittany S. Pierce: You look terrible. I look awesome.
Mercedes: I think it's the Kermit the Frog look.
Kurt: [a stuffed animal falls off Rachel's dress] And we have a jumper.
Rachel: Well, my dads can't sew, so these are just stapled on.
Will: Guys, why don't we worry about this later and maybe try to focus on the song?

Kitty: [to Puck] I don't like Jake. I'm a mean, hot bitch who likes to get what she wants.

Will: [pranking the new football coach] Isn't this kind of immature?
Sue: No, it's downright childish. But I know gals like Beiste. Oh, her high school life must have been miserable. She's oversized, humorless, refers to herself in the third person as an animal. This kind of abuse and teasing will bring back all those childhood memories. She'll be shaken to her core; humiliated and devastated. She'll have no choice but to quit her job, and our budgets will be restored.
Will: [fist bumping] Yes!

Santana: I cannot wait 'till Finn takes his top off so we can all see the hotness underneath.
Finn: What are you talking about?
Brittany S. Pierce: You can't have Sloppy Joes every day for lunch and think you can get away with it.
Rachel: [supportively taking Finn's hand] Um... that's incredibly rude.
Quinn: Is it? Guys whisper behind our backs about how we girls look every day. They objectify us all the time.
Tina: She sort of has a point.
Santana: Yeah. Earlier today, Artie asked if he could make a gigantic omelet when I'm done with the ostrich eggs I'm smuggling in my bra.

Noah: [to Kitty] One night with me and I'll have you studying for your Bat Mitzvah.
Kitty: Not a chance. I like bacon too much.

Will: McKinley needs ramps.
Sue: No way. Those are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage our able-bodied students from getting their proper exercise by using the stairs!

Sue: I have a phoner in a couple of minutes; that's an interview on the telephone, with a major media outlet. I'll probably do it on my iPhone.

Rachel: Noah, you're arms are lovely.

[first lines; Will and Sue argue in slow-motion]
Will: [voiceover] How did this happen? I look like a crazy person. That's not me. Wow, I didn't even know the vein on my neck could stick out like that. We've been going at it for a week, ever since the decongestant incident when Figgins brought Sue in to co-run the Glee Club. I'm so ashamed of myself. She's turned me into her.
Sue: [voiceover] Look at me. Even in the heat of battle, I'm so elegant, regal. I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior. God, it feels good to finally pop that zit known as Will Schuester.
Will: [voiceover] Shut up, Sue. Look at us. We're even fighting in our voiceovers. I guess things really started to fall apart a couple of days ago, right after Figgins called us into his office for a sit-down.

Kurt: Hey! I am talking to you!
Dave: Girls' locker room is next door.
Kurt: What is your problem?
Dave: Excuse me?
Kurt: What are you so scared of?
Dave: Besides you sneaking in here to peek at my junk?
Kurt: Oh, yeah, every straight guy's nightmare that all of us gays are secretly out to molest and convert you. Well, guess what, ham hock? You're not my type!
Dave: That right?
Kurt: Yeah, I don't dig on chubby boys who sweat too much and are going to be bald by the time they're thirty.
Dave: Do not push me, Hummel.
Kurt: You going to hit me? Do it.
Dave: Don't push me!
Kurt: Hit me, 'cause it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me anymore than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!
Dave: I said get out of my face!
Kurt: You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!
[Karofsky kisses Kurt]

Kurt: I had a cat thrown at me in a nursing home once.

Santana: Brittany, lock the door.
Brittany S. Pierce: I don't know how to do that.
Kurt: Um, what's going on?
Santana: We've got the Warblers right where we want them. And because he's the smoothest criminal I know, Artie was able to find a spy store that sells top-secret surveillance equipment.
Artie: Not top-secret. I just got a tape recorder from OfficeMax.
Santana: Okay, okay, whatever. In any case, I taped it to my underboob when we went to Dalton, and I got Sebastian on tape admitting that there was rock-salt in that slushee that blinded Blaine. Now, all we have to do is send this tape to the po-po, and that little bitchlet is headed to juvie.
Santana: [through the tape recorder] Admit it. Tell me the truth. What did you put in that slushee?
Sebastian: [through the tape recorder] Rock salt.
Kurt: No. No, we're not doing that.
Santana: Why? Kurt, this isn't violent. This is clever. I taped it to my underboob.

Burt: [watching a basketball game with Finn] You know, I hate Duke like I hate the Nazis.
Finn: Tell me about it.

Kurt: We have to break up our parents immediately. I screwed up. I feel like the guy who set up Liza and David Gest.
Finn: It hurt you, didn't it? When I was talking sports with your dad and stuff. I could tell that you were...
Kurt: Left out? Invisible? Yeah.
Finn: I don't like that my mom's forgetting about my dad. It's up to me to keep his memory alive, and I don't want to move in with you. No offense.
Kurt: None taken. So we put an end to them. Agreed?
Finn: Agreed.

Will: Between this and posting Coach Sylvester's personal video on YouTube, you guys are getting a pretty bad reputation.
Artie: Why is that a bad thing? Maybe if we seem more dangerous, people would stop flushing my glasses down the toilet.
Will: [passing out sheet music] Look, things are hard right now. I get it. You're under a lot of pressure with regionals coming up. And I know that winning sectionals hasn't had the positive effect on your popularity that a lot of you thought it would. But becoming what you despise is not the answer.
Mercedes: Man, this song is whack.
Will: No, it's not. It's a terrific song on a long list of top hits that, because of time or some bad press, has become a joke. And like you guys, it's time to start rehabilitating its bad reputation. The assignment for the week is for all of you to find songs like this, mine them for what works, and make them great again. And then, hopefully, can apply this musical lesson to your own lives.
Jesse St. James: This song should be arrested for the crime of sucking.
Will: [the students all agree] You want to bet?
[to the backing band]
Will: Hit it.
[the beginning of "Ice Ice Baby" plays]

Will: All right, guys, today I want to talk to you about regrets. Who has some?
Rachel: Giving my heart to Jesse just to have it crushed like the stage floor at a performance of Stomp.

Emma: I know that Britney's had some issues in the past, but I actually think it's quite admirable the way she's gotten her life back together. I mean, hasn't she had what, like, three number one hits in the past two years? She's a single mom raising two kids. I think she's the perfect symbol for the possibility of rebirth.
Will: I can't...
Emma: See, that's your problem, Will. You're too uptight.
Will: Oh, you're calling me uptight?
Emma: Mm-hmm.
Will: The woman who buys hand sanitizer by the barrel?

Kurt: I thought the boys' Kiss number was good, although the lyrics did leave something to be desired.
Tina: And Finn kept sticking his tongue out and I couldn't stop picturing him licking stuff. It was disturbing.

Quinn: Three weeks ago, you said you were sad I didn't have a lizard baby.

Will: I want you to take my part. You should play Jean Valjean. I want you to understand how important the arts are for a person's soul. You're a black hole right now. Maybe this will help you remember what it's like to be a star.
Bryan: So what you're saying is you'll give me the part if I don't cut the program.
Will: Exactly.
Bryan: Cool. Deal.

Brittany S. Pierce: Remember even the smallest of envelopes is heavy for an elf.

Quinn: They say that you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Well, Rachel Berry... You just got yourself a new best friend.

Blaine: [after kissing Kurt] We should practice.
Kurt: I thought we were.

Will: [writing "funk" on the whiteboard] Funk. Use it in a sentence.
[everyone stays silent]
Will: Come on. Rachel.
Rachel: This cheese smells funky.
Noah: That's 'cause it's "from-unda" cheese.
Rachel: Shut it, Puckerman!
Will: Okay, okay. I was thinking more along the lines of... Vocal Adrenaline has sure put us all in a funk.
Kurt: I'm so depressed, I've worn the same outfit twice this week.
Will: What if I told you I knew how we could shove it right back down their throats? New Directions is about to make their funk the P-funk. We are going to get funked up. The only way to do that is to beat them at Regionals. Vocal Adrenaline has never once done a funk number. They're a machine; a collective, synthesized, soulless beat. Funk is soul meets anger. Its passion is in its emotion. And Vocal Adrenaline doesn't perform with any. So you have your assignment. I want you guys to turn McKinley High into...
[singing]
Will: Funky town.

Noah: [to Jake] I rode my motorcycle, played my ax, I banged every chick in this place twice. And you know what? None of it made me a man. What made me a man was sitting here in this room, singing songs I hated next to the biggest collection of losers you've ever seen.

Finn: What's wrong with you?
Dakota: What's wrong with me is that you're freakishly tall! I feel like a woodland creature.

Sam: [about keeping to his strict dietary regimen] There's no carpool lane to sexy.

Rachel: Hey, I had something I wanted to talk to you about.
Kurt: Oh, please not another pregnancy.
Rachel: I... I think that you and I are a little bit more similar than you think.
Kurt: That's a terrible thing to say.
Rachel: I know you're lonely. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have feelings in high school that you can't act on for fear of being humilated, ridiculed, or worse. We're going to win Nationals this year, and you know how we're going to do that? Because we have you.
Kurt: That's true.
Rachel: That's twelve people who love you just for being exactly the way that you are. Look, I know you're lonely, but... you're not alone. So, I was wondering if you would maybe want to sing a duet with me. I think you'll be really happy with my song selection. It's sort of everything that both you and I love.
Kurt: But the, uh, duet competition is over.
Rachel: I know. I just... I thought this one could be for me and you.

Artie: [busking in the school quad] Holy crap, there's, like, 300 bucks in here.
Noah: Yeah, you really can't put a dollar amount on the value of talent plus fear.
Artie: I can. It's about 300 bucks. What are we going to do with it?
Noah: Buy a buttload of clove cigarettes, then... I don't know.

Sue: Becky, that is the best Halloween costume I've ever seen.
Becky: [Dressed up as Sue] Thanks, Coach.
Sue: There's only one thing missing.
[hands Becky a megaphone]
Sue: Go scream at some fatties.

Holly: Sex is like hugging; only wetter.
Artie: Yeah, it is.

Artie: [gesturing to a pair of crutches] Will you bring me those? I borrowed them from John Hubner.
Tina: The kid with cerebral palsy?
Artie: They're his extra pair. Help me get up on them.
Tina: Have you ever used anything like these before?
Artie: No, but I have superhuman upper body strength from using my wheelchair. If I can just get up, I think I can use my arms to get around the room. Come on. You said we were gonna kick it up a notch.
[she helps him out of his wheelchair]
Artie: Dreams aren't supposed to be easy. I'm gonna try to take a step.
Tina: Okay.
[he takes a couple of "steps" forward]
Tina: Artie, you're doing it.
[he then collapses to the ground]
Tina: Are you okay?
Artie: [embarrassed and ashamed] Go away.
Tina: Let me bring your chair over.
Artie: Just go... away. You shouldn't have done this to me. You pushed me to do this.
Artie: I'm sorry.
Tina: Just go away, please.

Tina: Kurt, you can't leave.
Finn: What the hell, dude? How about you talk with me about this first?
Kurt: I'm sorry, Finn, but there's nothing to talk about. Karofsky's coming back tomorrow, so that means I won't be.
Sam: We can protect you.
Noah: Seriously, we can, like, form a perimeter around you like the Secret Service.
Finn: Yeah.
Kurt: The only thing that can really protect me is what they have at Dalton: a zero tolerance, no bullying policy. It's enforced.

Blaine: Brittany, I'm sorry, but I won fair and square. You can't just decide not to sing anymore. We all need your voice.
Brittany: I had a song in my heart, Blaine Warbler and you killed it. Now I have a dead song in my heart and pretty soon the corpse of my dead heartsong is going to start to smell.

Shannon: All of you are gonna be in this Glee Club for one week, no exceptions.
Dave: She's bluffing. Next week is the championship game. Without us, she has no team.
Shannon: With you, I have no team! You guys have gotta find a way to come together, or we're gonna get our asses kicked from here until Tuesday finds a saddlebag full of buckwheat.
Azimio: If I have to stay, I'm not singing no show tunes. That is the music of my oppressors.
Finn: Do you even have any idea what we do in here?
Will: No. None of them do. We have to show them. Rachel, Puck, haven't you guys been working on something? Why don't you give it a whirl?
Rachel: Fine. As offended as I am by their presence here, I won't let anything get in the way of a performance.

Santana: [to Brittany] So, I figure that this is as good a place as any to ask you this question. Um, mainly because it's gonna really upset all the single guys and gals in here, but I want to mash up with you forever, Britt. I mean, some people love someone because they make them a better person, and that's not why I love you, because you've always just wanted me to be myself. You're my favorite person in the whole world and we're a big deal, you know? Like, no matter how many times we've tried to put our thing down and walk away from it, we can't because I don't want to live my life without my one true love. And I normally use a lot of words when I'm saying something negative so since this is the most positive thing I'm ever gonna do, I'm gonna keep it simple. Brittany S. Pierce, will you marry me?

Santana: I hate weddings. And I hate Valentine's Day. They were invented by breeders to sell cheap chocolate and false hope.

Emma: [making out with Will, she suddenly stops] Too much too fast. Too much too fast.
Will: No, you smell great, your teeth are clean...
Emma: You're very sweet. It's not that. I'm... I just haven't been, uh... intimate in a very, very long time.
Will: How long?
Emma: Ever. I just haven't found the right person. You know, someone who won't reject me when things get really hard with my, um... with my problems.
Will: It... it's cool.
Emma: It's not. It's not cool. I can tell.
Will: No. No, no. Emma, I understand. I'll pop in a movie.
Emma: Do we have to watch "Armageddon" again?
Will: Uh, it's that or "Bad Boys". They're the only DVDs that Terri left behind. She liked to have Bruckheimer night every other week.

Kurt: [to Sebastian] I don't like you.
Sebastian: Fun. I don't like you either.

Will: [listening to Glee Club sing "Don't Stop Believin'"] Good, guys. It's a nine. We need a ten. Rachel, you need to hit the ones and the fives. Finn, I think if we worked on it, you could hit a high "B".
Finn: So does this mean you're staying?
Will: It would kill me to see you win nationals without me.

Principal: Wipe away!

Mercedes: So, is that a man's sweater?
Kurt: Fashion has no gender.

Sue: You know Q, when I first laid eyes on you, I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure.

Sugar: Here's a spoonful of Sugar for you all: don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff when you're rich.

Sue: How do you like your tree?
Will: Uh, it's... it's... it's beautiful. Wha... what's going on? What's with all the presents?
Sue: Well, you remember that old meanie who stole all that stuff out of the choir room? Well, she's sorry.
Will: Really? And what made her chage her mind?
Sue: I don't know. Call it a Christmas miracle and we'll leave it at that. Now, I know a lot of these gifts are for orphans or something, but, uh... I got you something special.
[he looks at her suspiciously as she hands over a gift]
Sue: It's okay, it's not going to explode.
[opening the box, he finds an electric razor]
Sue: [looking at his head of hair] I thought you might want to put all of us out of our misery and shave off that Chia Pet.

Blaine: How is he?
Emergency: He has a fracture above his eye socket. He's asleep from the morphine but you can see him.
Sam: Hey Kurt buddy! You're on a lot of painkillers but you can wake up anytime!
Rachel: This is my fault! We got into a really big fight and I left him all alone!
Sam: I want to kill whoever did this to him?
Mercedes: Don't say that Sam. You don't mean it!
Blaine: I just wish he could hear me?
Rachel: He can hear us!

Rachel: So you said he comes this way at 3:30?
Kurt: Like clockwork for his post rehearsal medium drip.
Rachel: I just can't wait to lay one on him.
Kurt: I've got a bad feeling about this Rachel. I mean, I don't mean to be so cold, but I don't want you to get hurt either. There's no victory in this for me either way.
Rachel: Who cares about you buddy, I may get a new boyfriend out of this who can keep up with me vocally and in the future give me vaguely Eurasian looking children.
Kurt: There he is
Blaine: [walks in to the coffee shop]
Kurt: dreamy as ever.
Rachel: Okay, wish me luck.
Rachel: [Gets up and walks over to Blaine]
Blaine: Hey Rachel, what's going on?
[Rachel quickly kisses Blaine. He stares at Rachel blankly]
Blaine: Huh, yep, I'm gay. 100% gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me Rachel. Listen, save my space in line, will ya? I gotta go to the bathroom.
Kurt: [Walks up to Rachel] That was hard wasn't it?
Rachel: Are you kidding? That was amazing, I'm speechless. I just had a relationship with a guy who turned out to be gay. That is songwriting gold. Okay, I have to go compose, but thank you. Thank you!
Kurt: [Stands there watching her leave in stunned silence]

Kurt: [On being able to order food at 3 AM] I feel like Eloise!
Brittany: I have pills for that.

Quinn: I'm gonna look terrible.
Tina: Shut up. With your bone structure, you could rock the "Rosemary's Baby" look and still look good. I'm gonna look like Jackie Chan.
Rachel: If Barbara can pull off a bob, so can I.
Santana: Enough yapping. Let's do this.
Will: [entering] Whoa! Whoa! What are you guys doing?
Mercedes: We're going all "Gift of the Magi" to raise money to buy homeless kids those school supplies.
Sam: The guys are gonna sell their watches and the girls are gonna sell off their hair.
Will: You can't do that.
Santana: Oh, no, it's cool. Most of this isn't mine, anyways.
Will: No, I mean that's not the answer. There are other ways to raise money at Christmastime.

Burt: Hey, Kurt, you want to speak to me?
Kurt: Hey, dad, yeah. I was just, uh, working on my glee club assignment. "Pink Houses" by John Mellencamp.
Burt: [Kurt steps out dressed like him] Oh. Really? I didn't think that was in your wheelhouse.
Kurt: Yeah, I think it's really brave for a Midwesterner like himself to, uh, write a song about such bold interior design.
Burt: You know, that's not what the song's about.
Kurt: Really?
Burt: No, it's about how the '80s were a tough time for a lot of people and how the American Dream isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Kurt: Hmm. Fascinating. Hey, why don't we go grab a couple burgers and, uh, you can tell me more about it?
Burt: Sure. But I gotta be honest, that's pretty much what every Mellencamp song is about. But you know what? I'll get my coat. Anything to help you out.

Sue: Porcelain, this is my daughter Robin. I've loved the name ever since I was a little girl. It recalls hope, and springtime, and my favorite dead Bee Gee.

Santana: I'll just marry an NFL player. They're super reliable.

Quinn: Let's pair up for the immaculate affection.
[Places balloon between Finn and Herself at pelvic level]
Quinn: Remember: if the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry.

Santana: Kurt, I took what you said to heart and I thought long and hard about it. And it occurred to me that you may have a point. Okay, maybe Brittany and I are too young to get married. I mean, after all, that's why it didn't work out with you and Blaine, right? Or maybe it didn't work out because you're a judgmental little gerontophile with a mouth like a cat's ass. Maybe Blaine got tired of hearing your shrill, self-aggrandizing lecture about how you felt the two of you were at the very apex of the gay rights movement every time you so much as cooked macaroni and cheese together or farted. Maybe Blaine didn't want to be with someone who looks like they just removed their top row of dentures every time they smile or someone who doesn't dress like an extra out of one of Andy Dick's more elaborate wet dreams. Maybe Blaine grew weary of dating a breathier, more feminine Quinn Fabray. Maybe he finally got freaked out by your strange obsession with old people that causes you to skulk around nursing homes like one of those cats that can smell cancer. Maybe he got tired of watching you drape yourself on every piano you happen to pass to entertain exactly no one with, say, some song that Judy Garland choked on her tongue in the middle of or some sassy old Broadway standard made famous by another dead alcoholic crone. Maybe Blaine woke up one day and said, "You know what. I don't want to marry a sexless self-centered baton twirler." Maybe I need someone who knows more than three dance moves: the finger wag, the shoulder shimmy and the one where you pretend to twirl two invisible rainbow-colored ribbons attached to your hips. So, you know what, maybe that's why it didn't work out. Maybe it has nothing to do with me and Brittany. Maybe it's just that you are utterly, utterly intolerable. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Brittany: I think my cat is reading my diary.

Rachel: ...the show must go on. Besides, the AV club worked so hard on the snow.

Will: [voice over] My father always said you become a man when you buy your first house. I'm not sure what he meant by that since he burned ours down once after a drunken fight with mom.
Peggy: Welcome to your little slice of the American dream.
Terri: I have a question about the trees. It's always been my personal dream to cut down my own Christmas tree. How many Christmas trees will we have in the backyard? And do they come in different colours because... well obviously we're starting a family and I have a real sense that it's going to be a girl.

Will: Anyone who wants to join Glee Club gets to join.
Sue: Oh, god, Will, let me break it down for you. High school is a dry run for the rest of your life. Not everyone can be champions. Not everybody should be champions. We need fry cooks, bus drivers.
Will: Well, Sue, it's how I work and it's not going to change.
Sue: I like being friends with you, Will. This is fun. You make not trying to destroy Glee Club easy. You know why? 'Cause you're doing such a bang-up job of it all by yourself.

Will: Sue, I am not done talking to you. What about all my sheet music? My kids need that music.
Sue: Well, Will, the last thing your kids need is chronic sinusitis from the mildew I feared was infesting that old moldy paper.
Will: Oh, so, what? You sent it away for some testing?
Sue: No. Burned it.

Becky: [When Becky brings a gun to school] I was scared, Coach, about graduating, the unknown world, with no one to protect me!
Sue: Honey, I told you. You will always have a place here.
Becky: No! I wanted to be prepared and protect myself! I need hope!

[last lines]
Jesse St. James: They did a funk number. We've never been able to pull off a funk number.
Giselle: Well, that's because we're soulless automatons.
Jesse St. James: I'm so depressed.

Will: All right, guys, let's get things started.
Rachel: As I was first on the sign-up sheet, I'll kick things off.
Will: Okay.
Rachel: I have chosen Miley Cyrus' "The Climb", because it's about overcoming obstacles and beating the odds. In my case, the obstacle is you - my lackluster teammates who refuse to carry their own weight.

Santana: I'm looking forward to the day when my grandmother loves me again.

Rachel: Do you know that when we dated, the rest of the school gave us a nickname? Puckleberry.
Noah: That's humiliating.
Rachel: The fact is that slumming it with me actually improved your reputation. It gave you a sense of humanity.
Noah: Wait. Do you want to date again? I was wondering why you invited me here.
Rachel: As you know, I'm taken. But I can be of some assistance. Help me with my song for Glee Club. I... I might be the last chance you have to salvage what's left of your reputation, and stay in Glee. Besides, you need a song that's going to help you express your inner pain.
Noah: So what song do you want to do for your assignment?
Rachel: I've chosen David Geddes' fantastically terrible '70s top ten hit "Run Joey Run". It's a story song. So we get to play parts. I'm going to play the role of the tragic heroine who dies in the end, a la Nicole Kidman in "Moulin Rouge". And you can be the hunky, heroic male lead.
Noah: Do I get to kill you?
Rachel: Actually, my dad shoots me with a shotgun.

Emma: We were naïve. I think sometimes we spend so much time with these kids that we start acting like them. You've been in the same relationship your entire life. You don't know who you are alone. I think this song is just the beginning of you repeating the same patterns.
Will: Terri and I met when I was fifteen. I'm a different person now.
Emma: How is you compromising yourself for my crazy any different than you doing it for hers?
Will: [thinking for a moment and letting it sink it] Well... what do you want to do?
Emma: I think that... you need to spend some time alone. I do. I think you need to get to know yourself. You know, you haven't been okay with having your own needs since you were fifteen.
Will: You're right. I guess... I'm just not good at being alone, and realizing what my own needs are.
Emma: Well, maybe around the time that you figure out what they are, maybe I'll be ready to get a little messy. Can you go now? I think I need to close the door and cry.

Will: Okay, listen, I have talked the talk about everyone in here feeling special for over a year now, but frankly, I haven't walked the walk. I mean, we have got a lot of talent here, and I'm gonna highlight it.

Finn: [On Jessie] How do we know he's not gonna just get us to do something stupid so his alma mater wins?
Jessie St. James: I don't think I need to do much tricking to get you to do something stupid, Finn.

Finn: [to Rachel] I just needed time to think.
Rachel: You had four months. I hated you for what you did to me at that train station.
Finn: I was trying to help you.
Rachel: I hated you. And then when I got to New York, I thought how much you love me. And how hard that must have been for you. And I thought this... this is what a man looks like. This is how a man loves. But you, not telling me where you were for four months, and sneaking out before sunrise in the middle of the night without saying goodbye, that is not being a man, Finn.

Burt: Congratulations on hitting the kool-aid or High C or whatever...
Kurt: High F.
Burt: Whatever.

Kurt: They're gonna throw fruit at us. And I just had a facial.

Rachel: I know being my boyfriend is a challenge. I'm not Quinn. I don't look like her. I'm not popular, and my personality, though exciting and full of surprises, isn't exactly low-maintenance, but... I'll always be honest with you. Painfully so. And all I ask in return is that you're just honest with me.
Finn: I don't think I want to be your boyfriend.
Rachel: What?
Finn: Look, Rachel, you're really awesome, but I think I need to connect with my inner rock star before I can fully commit to one woman. I need to find out who I am now.
Rachel: I'll tell you who you are. You're a scared little boy. You're afraid of dating me because you think it might hurt your reputation; though, which you'd never admit it, is very important to you. You hate what Quinn did to you, not just because it hurt, but because it was so humiliating.
Finn: You're freaking me out. It's like you're inside my head right now.
Rachel: I just see you for who you are. Unlike you, who can only see me as this silly girl who made a fool out of herself in her first glee club rehearsal. And that's where you lose, Finn. Because if you take a second look at me, you'd realize that I'm the only person in your life who knows you and accepts you for who you are, no matter what.

Rachel: New York Domino's is so much better than Lima Domino's.
Kurt: It's the water.

Finn: It's not too late.
Dave: To commit social suicide? How the hell are you gonna play with five guys, huh?
[seeing Rachel, Mercedes, Tina, and Lauren suited up]
Dave: You have got to be kidding me.
Azimio: What the hell are they doing?
Finn: What you don't have the balls to do.

Kurt: [voiceover] Okay, I'll admit it. I'm madly in love with Finn. I have been since the first time we met.
[flashback; as Kurt walks through the school hall, Puck checks him into a locker]
Finn: Dude. Impulse control.
Kurt: [v.o] He was my knight in shining armor. My feelings lingered stronger as we bonded over Glee. Then football. Then skin care.
[another flashback, with him and Finn in the locker room]
Kurt: Your T zone is dangerously dry.
[Finn tries to inconspicuously check his junk]
Kurt: [indicating his face] Your... your T zone.
Finn: Oh.
Kurt: [handing him a bottle of lotion] Twice a day. It's very mild and has a built-in sunblock.
Finn: Cool. Thanks, man.

Rory: I love everything about America. Especially NASCAR, your half-black president, and Victoria's Secret catalogs.

Sam: I'm Sam. Sam I am. And I don't like Green Eggs and Ham.
Santana: He has no game.

Shelby: [watching Vocal Adrenaline rehearse] Stop, please. Dear god, just stop. Seriously, guys, it's like watching beige paint dry. Could everyone please look at Jesse? Jesse, give us a show face.
[Jesse gives a strained smile]
Shelby: That's a show face, guys. You want to look so talented, it's literally hurting you. I want a look that's so optimistic, it could cure cancer.

Tracy: Sue, when I met you, I instantly disliked you. You're bossy, insulting, and the fact that twice you called me "Rerun" makes me think you're a little racist. I came here to write a piece that would expose you as a coward and a cheat. I could not have been more wrong.
Sue: Beg your pardon?
Tracy: You got every shape and size Cheerio up there singing about empowerment and inclusion, telling everyone it's okay to be exactly the person you are. You're a visionary, and I think redefining cheerleading. Bravo.

Sue: I'm off to notify the Ohio secretary of state that I will no longer be carrying photo ID... because people should know who I am.

Noah: Maybe it's because she's constantly insulting me like my mom.

Will: Okay guys, I've got one word for you.
Brittany: Is it 'love'? I'm totally going to graduate now!

Burt: I was talking to Carole, and you weren't totally honest with me. She told me that you had a crush on Finn and you weren't afraid to show it. Is this true?
Kurt: So a gay guy can't be friendly to a straight guy without it being predatory?
Burt: You got to understand that most guys don't know how to deal with unwanted advances.
Kurt: So you're saying I shouldn't sing with this Sam guy because it might upset a couple homophobes? I thought you said no one pushes the Hummels around.
Burt: No one does. I... I'm... I'm not saying that. I... I'm saying that maybe it's you who's pushing this kid Sam around, trying to take advantage of him because you're interested in him.
Kurt: Dad, you have no idea what it's like. I am the only openly gay kid at school, in this town. I mean, why can't I walk hand in hand down the hall with a person that I like? Why can't I slow dance at my prom?
Burt: Come here.
[Kurt sits down]
Burt: You think I don't want those things for you? I do. You know, until you find somebody as open and as brave as you, you're just gonna have to get used to going it alone.

Quinn: Congrats, Finn. You're back on the team, I'm head cheerleader again. Some kind of symmetry, don't you think? With all the nastiness between you and I behind us, I think we should be together. We'd be a shoo-in for homecoming king and queen. So what do you say? You and me, 8:00, Breadstix?
Finn: Look, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have feelings for you. Probably always will. But I'm not gonna get back together with you. There's someone else, and you know who that is. I'm asking you to respect that. I'm sorry.
[as he leaves, she walks down the hall and approaches Rachel, who has been watching nearby]
Quinn: I said what you wanted me to, he shot me down. So congrats. Looks like he really loves you.

April: If you can master this, you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees. Shoes, prom dresses. I once got a cake out of a kid's birthday party with the candle still lit.

Santana: What did you want to be when you grew up? I mean, why did you become a Spanish teacher, Mr. Shue?
Will: Because... it was the only teaching position open at the time.
Santana: I want to remind you of something that an amazing teacher once taught me. Without passion, you can't succeed.
Will: Who taught you that?
Santana: You did. And you do - when you teach Glee.

Kurt: Why are you being so weird and serious? Our periods don't come until the end of the month.

Rory: I know this sounds silly, and the peanut butter really is amazing, Mr. Shue, but do you know what I'm looking forward to? Winning at Regionals.

Sue: You know, Halloween is fast approaching. The day when parents encourage little boys to dress like little girls, and little girls to dress like whores, and go door to door, browbeating hardworking Americans into giving them free food. Well, you know what, western Ohio? We've lost the true meaning of Halloween. Fear. Halloween is that magical day of the year when a child is told their grandmother's a demon who's been feeding them rat casserole with a crunchy garnish of their own scabs. Children must know fear. Without, they won't know how to behave. They'll try Frenching grizzly bears or consider living in Florida. So moms, skip trick or treating this year, and instead sit your little toddler down and explain that daddy's a hungry zombie, and before he went out to sharpen his pitchfork, he whispered to Mommy that you looked delicious. And that's how Sue sees it.

Noah: Yeah, I did it. And I'm proud. All I did was step up and be a man. They got what was coming to them.
Shelby: A few of my students TPed your choir room. You slashed the tires on the Range Rovers of all twenty-six of my performers. Those were gifts for our win at sectionals. That's 200 times 26 times 4 equals... I don't have a calculator.

Santana: He's a spy, Mr. Schuester. I would know.
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. I saw all the paperwork, I spoke with his parents.
Jesse St. James: They winter in Bali. It's a very expensive phone call.
Will: Jesse just moved in with his uncle, which is in our school district. It's all above board, guys. He goes to this school now.
Artie: But this isn't fair.
Will: Guys! Everyone who's ever auditioned for this group has gotten in. That's how we do things here. Okay? To suddenly change the rules now, that would be unfair.

Noah: You okay?
Rachel: Why are you talking to me? Are you gonna steal something from me?
Noah: Look, after six hours in that Port-A-John, Ozzy himself would have turned to God. I prayed. I promised him that if he got me out of there, I'd start being nicer to people. Then I realized there was no way I could do that, so I changed it to just Jews.
Rachel: It's Finn.
Noah: Boyfriend troubles. I got that covered. Considering I'm usually the cause of them, I'd say I'm an expert. Walk with me.
Rachel: [he leads her down the hall arm in arm] Have you been working out? Your arms seem bigger.
Noah: It's the steroids.

Rachel: Welcome! Kurt, Blaine... Wasn't expecting you guys.
Finn: Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history. Kind of insisted on coming.

Noah: I'm sort of embarrassed to admit it, but I really do want to graduate high school.

Santana: Brit and I were wondering if you wanted to go out.
Finn: On a... date? With which one of you?
Santana: With both of us.

Santana: Finn only wears that gassy infant look when he feels guilty about something.

Kurt: Bisexual is a term that gay guys in high school use when they wanna hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.

Rachel: Kurt, why did you volunteer to give me a new look?
Kurt: One, I'm a sucker for makeovers. And two, you need something to distract from your horrible personality. Most of the time, I find it hard to be in the same room with you. Especially this one. Which looks like where Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobbie come to hook up.

Will: [in Sue's office] Wait... Are you serious? Finn?
Sue: My eyes are still burning.
Finn: [in the gym] I'm Finn Hudson and I'd like to audition for the Cheerios.

Finn: What about the Cheerios! in Glee Club?
Will: They have a choice. Us, or the Cheerios! competition.
Rachel: Well, obviously, Quinn is gonna choose the Cheerios!. I mean...
Finn: Well, that's not fair. You don't know what she's gonna do.
Will: I think the cheerleading competition is gonna be a lot of fun, but if you go, you're gonna miss out on us doing the most iconic song of all time. The Super Bowl of pop anthems: "Thriller".
[whoops and mutters of excitement]
Will: Yeah, remember a few years ago when that Philippine prison did that mega performance of "Thriller" and put it on YouTube? And in the four months it took to rehearse that number, prisoner-on-prisoner crime dropped 80%. Doing that, together, as a team, created a unity within that prison. And that's what I'm looking to do here.
Mercedes: I mean, don't get me wrong, you know, I'm big on Michael and everything, but isn't that kind of what they're expecting us to do?
Will: Which is why we're gonna mash it together with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' equally spooky single "Heads Will Roll."
Azimio: [more mutters of excitement] Who's Yeah Yeah Yeah?
Shannon: All right, New Directions, Titans, we're going to zombie camp.

Noah: We all know why we're here. I've waited five years for this. I want ideas for Senior Ditch Day. Go.
Kurt: Ooh! A Gershwin/Sondheim scavenger hunt!
Santana: [scoffs] That sounds like torture.

Emma: At what age are you allowed to look back on your life with nothing but regret. Is 32 too young?

Will: I want to apologize for putting you guys through all this. Particularly Finn and Sam.
Finn: It's cool, Mr. Schue. I'm sure the teasing will die down by the time my tenth reunion rolls around.
Sam: And I got asked to be June in the Men of McKinley High calendar.
Will: I'm happy for you. But we still can't do the musical. Look, I was wrong. "Rocky Horror" isn't about pushing boundaries or making an audience accept a certain rebellious point of view. Those were my reasons for doing it, and they aren't worth risking what we have here. And when I was younger, and they started midnight shows of "Rocky Horror", it wasn't for envelope pushers. It was for outcasts, people on the fringes who had no place left to go, but were searching for someplace, anyplace, where they felt like they belonged. Sound familiar? The truth is, with that perspective, "Rocky Horror" is the perfect show for this club.
Santana: Well, then why aren't we putting it on?
Will: We're still going to perform "Rocky Horror". We're just not doing it for an audience. We're doing it for ourselves.

Sue: Nutrition is abysmal at this school.
[holding up a crown of broccoli]
Sue: You know what this is?
Mercedes: Toilet brush.
Sue: It's broccoli. When I showed this to Brittany earlier, she began to whimper, thinking I had cut down a small tree where a family of gummy bears lived. I am declaring a war on junk food.

Rachel: [after Sebastian gives Rachel a photo of a nude Finn] Oh, my God!
[covers up Finn's privates in the picture]
Rachel: That thing is photoshopped! His thing is not that small or brown!
Kurt: And he could never fit into those pumps.

Noah: She was the one that got away... very, very slowly.

Quinn: What are you doing here?
Finn: Stopping you from going to Sue's regionals competition. You guys got to come to the game with me.
Quinn: Haven't you been paying attention? If we're not Cheerios!, we're nothing.
Finn: You-you think that, but it's not true. You joined Cheerios! to be popular, but you joined Glee Club because you loved it. Sue doesn't care about you guys. She's fine killing Brittany. Tell me honestly. If you didn't think it would hurt your reputation, which would you choose?
Brittany S. Pierce: Glee Club.
Finn: I know you, and you don't think you are, but you're strong enough to do this.
Quinn: Okay.
Finn: Okay?
Quinn: Okay.
Finn: What about you, Santana?
Santana: Screw her. She put me on the bottom of the pyramid.

Quinn: Mercedes, I'm so sorry.
Mercedes: You may not be a minority, but you certainly get how it feels sometimes.
Quinn: For nine months. You've had to deal with this your whole life. People making assumptions, calling you names. I seriously can't understand why you don't feel like yelling at people all the time.
Mercedes: What's the point in getting angry?
Quinn: Because it's infuriating. I hate all the looks at school. Don't even get me started on Puck's mom.
Mercedes: You're not angry. You're hurt. You just need someplace safe where you can dig through all that rage. Get to the pain beneath it. So it's decided. Saturday, you move out of Puck's house and you move in with me. I already talked to my mom about it. My brother went off to college and we have an extra room.
Quinn: [touched] Mercedes...
Mercedes: It's cool. Us sisters got to stick together, right?

Burt: [Having "the talk" with his son] Now for most guys sex is, just, ya know, this thing we always want to do. Ya know, it's fun, feels great, but we're not really thinking too much about, ya know, how it makes us feel on the inside, or, ya know, how the other person feels about it.
Kurt: Women are different?
Burt: Only because they get that it's about something more than just the physical. Ya know, when you're intimate with somebody, in that way, you're exposing yourself, ya know, you're never gonna be more vulnerable, and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who have gotten way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up.
Kurt: But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.
Burt: No, it's gonna be worse. Because it's two guys. With two guys you got two people who think that sex is just sex. It's gonna be easier to come by. And once you start doing this stuff you're not going to want to stop. Yah just... you gotta know that it means something. You know, it's doing something... to you, to your heart, to your self esteem, even though it feels like... you're just having fun.
Kurt: So you're saying I shouldn't have sex?
Burt: I think on your 30th birthday it is a great gift to yourself.
[pause]
Burt: Kurt, when you're ready, I want you to be able to... do everything. But when you're ready I want you to, use it as a way to connect to another person. Don't throw yourself around, like you don't matter. 'Cause you matter, Kurt.
Kurt: [pause] Is that it?
Burt: That's it, for now. Can I make you some toast?
Kurt: I think I'll take it up to my room to eat while I look over my new pamphlets
[he gathers the gay sex ed. pamphlets his father has brought home]
Kurt: . Thank you Dad.
Burt: You're welcome.
[Kurt leaves. Burt sighs a deep sigh of relief]

Will: The tree really does look great.
Sue: Well, Santa had some helpers.
[she blows her whistle, and the Glee kids all enter]
Rachel: No one should be alone on Christmas Eve, Mr. Schuester.

Rachel: Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna... Rock. Your. World.

Rachel: Being in New York is like falling in love. Over and over again, every minute. Tonight felt like one of those awesome nights that you see in those amazing romantic comedies. All we need now is some street singers to senerade behind us to make it perfect.
Finn: [the other boys in Glee club sings "Bella Notte" behind them] Wait... This is the moment in those romantic comedies where I kiss you.

Rachel: Where have you been?
Finn: Hiding out. Everyone hates me.
Rachel: No, they don't. Ant that doesn't explain why you haven't said a word to me since we've been back.
Finn: You should be more pissed at me than anyone else! I screwed up. I'm humiliated! And we worked so hard for everything, and I was supposed to be this big shot leader holding everyone together, and... I blew it. It cost us the championship.
Rachel: Look, being an artist is about expressing your true feelings in the moment, no matter what the consequences. What were your feeling in that moment?
Finn: That I loved you. And I would've done or given anything to kiss you one more time.
Rachel: So you did. You know, you gave it all up for one kiss. Was it worth it?
Finn: [pauses] Yeah. What about you? Was it worth it for you?
Rachel: [also pauses] Yeah. 'Cause I know in my heart we'll have another shot at Nationals. You have to know that I'm... I'm leaving, Finn. I'm going to New York and I'm never coming back.
Finn: Graduation is a year away. You got any plans 'til then?
[they kiss]
Rachel: Okay. Let's go!
Finn: Where are we going?
Rachel: Final Glee club meeting of the year.

Kurt: I'm shaking, and it's either from low blood sugar or rage. I knew it was only a matter of time before Rachel tried to take over the Glee Club.
[flashback]
Rachel: [writing "ME" on the whiteboard] Class, in Mr. Schuester's absence, I'd like to go around and ask everyone what solos they'd like to hear me perform at sectionals.
Santana: [as the other kids restrain her] All right, you know what? Let me at her!

Finn: Look, I owe you guys an apology. I never should have quit. I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people!
Rachel: That was you?
Kurt: You and your friends threw pee balloons at me.
Finn: I know.
Kurt: You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof.
Finn: I wasn't actually there for that, but I'm really sorry.

Finn: When I first joined, I thought you were kind of insane. I mean, you talk a lot more than you should, and to be honest with you, I looked under the bed and made sure that you weren't hanging out under there. But then, I heard you sing. I don't know how to say this, but you touched something in me. Right here.
[points to his right side of the chest]
Rachel: Your heart is on the other side of your chest.

Finn: Okay, Rachel, since this is your first time at this, I'm gonna break it down for you. Guys and girls fall into certain archetypes when they get drunk. Exhibit A: Santana, the weepy, hysterical drunk.
Santana: [Weeping at Sam] You like her more than me. She's blonde and awesome and so smart. Admit, just admit it! No, kiss me!
Finn: Lauren Zizes and Quinn, the angry girl drunks.
Quinn: [Yelling at Puck] I can't believe what you did to my body! I use to have abs!
Lauren: Who told you that hairstyle is cool? Geronimo?
Finn: Brittany, also known as the girl who turns into a stripper drunk. Mercedes and Tina, happy girl drunks and then we come around full circle right back to you, Rachel. And right now, you're being the needy girl drunk. Hanging all over me, being overly lovey, it's not cool.

Brittany: I don't want to do Britney.
Kurt: Why no Britney, Brittany?
Brittany: Because my name is also Brittany Spears.
[everyone looks at her, confused]
Will: What?
Mercedes: What the hell is she talking about?
Brittany: My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S. Pierce. "Brittany Spierce". I've lived my entire life in Britney Spears' shadow. I will never be as talented or as famous. I hope you'll all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.
Will: Well, there you have it, guys. It's been decided. No Britney. Sorry.
Kurt: Thanks, Britt. Thanks a lot.
Santana: Leave Brittany alone.
Brittany: Thank you for understanding. It's been a hard road.

Emma: [after stopping Kurt in the hall] Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.
Kurt: [Watching Emma drunkenly] Oh Bambi... I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy...
[Bends down and throws up on Emma's shoes]

Kurt: Here's a message for everybody that reach your blog. Next time, instead of posting an anonymous comment online, say what you have to say to my face!
[gets slushied in his face]
Azimio: Welcome back, lady!
Kurt: [to Jacob] I suppose there's no way that you could cut out the last part.

Will: [after Finn and Mike finish their song and dance number] All right, Finn! Perfect! See, guys, someone who's not afraid to point out something they're really bad at.
Finn: But I'm getting better, right?
[Will doesn't answer, neither does the other members]

Santana: [to Sebastian] Let me break it down for you from one bitch to another. All this vicious, underhanded crap has got to stop.

Will: You are a terrible influence on these kids. I think you're dangerous and I think you teach them all the wrong lessons.
Sue: I don't care what you think. I have a legacy to protect, William, and Glee Club is a part of that legacy, and I will win. And if it means I have to get you fired to do it, so be it.

Kurt: Do you ever think we're playing it too safe by not granting our hands Visas to travel south of the Equator?

Sue: [to Santana] Hold it right there, Sandbacks. You and I need to have a serious chat. Now I realize when I chose Becky as co-captain for the Cheerios, it might have rubbed you the wrong way.
Santana: Wanky.

Emma: There is a boy in that Glee Club that might lose his father. How could you get in the way when the only thing anybody is trying to do is give that poor child just a little bit of comfort? What happened to you, Sue? Please tell me what horrible, horrible thing happened to you that made you such a miserable tyrant.
Sue: Have a seat.
[Emma sits down]
Sue: Since I was a little girl, I've had exactly one hero. My big sister. You know how much I worshipped her? She was the sun and the moon to me. And while I was still very young, I noticed that other people didn't feel the way I did. People were rude to her. They were cruel. They laughed at her. And so I began to pray. I prayed every night for her to get better. And nothing changed. So I prayed harder. And after a while, I realized it wasn't that I wasn't praying hard enough; it's that no one was listening. Asking someone to believe in a fantasy, however comforting, isn't a moral thing to do. It's cruel.
Emma: Don't you think that's just a little bit arrogant?
Sue: It's as arrogant as telling someone how to believe in God, and if they don't accept it, no matter how open-hearted or honest their dissent, they're going to hell. Well, that doesn't sound very Christian, does it?
Emma: Well, if that's what you believe, that's fine. But please keep it to yourself.
Sue: So long as you do the same. That kid could lose his father at any moment. You should start preparing him for that. Now get the hell out of my office. I realize you're only half orangutan, but I'm still very allergic to your lustrous ginger mane.

Tina: I just want a song.

Artie: [breaking up with Brittany] You used me for my voice. That's the only reason you had sex with me. I have it on good authority.
[flashback to him in the cafeteria]
Santana: She's using you for your voice. That's the only reason she had sex with you.
Artie: Wait. How did you know that?
Santana: [tapping a random guy on the shoulder] Hi. Excuse me. Do you know Brittany?
Random: Cheerios Brittany?
Santana: Mm-hmm.
Random: Yeah. We had sex.
Santana: [turning back to Artie] Hmm. Look, I don't mean to be a bitch - well, yeah, actually, I do - but the only thing that you can give Brittany that she can't get from someone else is super choice parking.
[return to real time]
Artie: I know that sex doesn't mean anything to you, but did you ever think how much it means to me? After my accident, we didn't know if I'd ever be able even to do that. And when I found out that I could, it seemed like some kind of miracle, and you just walked all over that. You're not my partner anymore. I told Mr. Schue I'm pulling out of the duet competition.

Will: We have another year?
Sue: You're a good teacher, Will. Now, I don't like you so much. But I admire you and the work you're doing with your kids. I really do.
[offering a handshake]
Sue: Bon chance, William. I relish the thought of another full year of constantly besting you.
Will: [shaking hands] You know, Sue, inside... you're a really good person. You have a heart.
Sue: Okay, let go of my hand.
Will: Hey... I appreciate what you're doing for these kids. I won't forget it.
Sue: And I'm seriously going to puke in your mouth.

Sue: When you hear your name called, cross over to this side of this black shiny thing.
Will: That's called a piano, Sue.

Emma: Let me guess. Finn and Rachel are going to do a ballad, right? Followed by the kids joining in with a classic rock number where Mercedes will belt out the last jaw-dropping note.
Will: Have you been going through my desk?
Emma: It's what you always do.

Kurt: It's so funny how a new image can change everything.
Isabelle: Oh, I sure hope you never lose that.
Kurt: What?
Isabelle: Oh, just your unbridled, wide-eyed Lima, Ohio optimism.

Quinn: I'm sorry Coach Sylvester, but something is happening between Finn and that thing! You saw how it was undressing it with its eyes!

Will: Is there anything that I could do?
Kurt: No. This my hill to climb alone.
Will: Can I be honest? I think it's getting to you. Usually this stuff rolls right off your back, but lately you've been belligerent, angry, pushing people away.
Kurt: Can I be honest with you? You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide. And your lesson plans are boring and repetitive. Boys versus girls? That doesn't challenge any of us.
Will: You mean because I didn't let you join the girls like you wanted?
Kurt: To answer your question, yes, I'm unhappy. And yes, being the only out gay kid at this school gets me down. But most of all, I'm not challenged in the least here.

Mercedes: [During a song rehearsal, Rachel Berry kicks and nearly hits Mercedes in the face] Whoa, whoa. Hell to the nah! First of all, you try to bust my face again and I will cut you. And also, this song is terrible.
Will: Okay, no, no. It's not the song, you guys just need to get into it.
Kurt: No, it's the song. It's really gay.

Jesse St. James: You singing "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina" in front of a sold-out crowd isn't a fantasy. It's an inevitability.
Rachel: [holding him] I thought you'd never come back.
Jesse St. James: And miss all your drama? Never.

Sue: Today is the day we honor St. Valentine, a man publicly beheaded for defying his government by exchanging candies and chocolates to nonsensically render the objects of our affection more fat and less attractive.

Rachel: Mr. Schuester, do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give the lead solo in "Sit Down, You're Rocking the Boat" to a boy in a wheelchair?
Artie: I think Mr. Schue's using irony to enhance the performance.
Rachel: There's *nothing* ironic about show choir!

Finn: Do you see anyone else in here with a plate of "I'm Sorry" cookies? I don't. Just you.

Finn: It all started a week ago. I was super hungry, and my mom was gone, so I busted out the George Foreman. It wasn't making the cool grill marks it used to after I tried to use it to dry my shoes, but when it comes to grilled cheese, I'm not that fancy. And when I pulled the sandwich out, I saw the face of God... Literally. I had made a Grilled Cheesus.

Kurt: [to Rachel] Your boyfriend's bare ass is on one of my vintage flea market chairs.

[Karofsky throws a slushie in Finn's face. Finn pushes Karofsky against a locker]
Finn: What the hell, Karofsky?
Dave: [Karofsky pushes Finn back] Oh, I've wanted to do that ever since fifth grade when you made fun of me for getting pubes. Now that you've joined Lullaby Lees and insperminated the queen of the Chastity Ball, and dropped below us hockey dudes on the food chain? It's open season!
Quinn: Screw you, Karofsky! You and your neanderthal puckheads are nothing!
Finn: You're gonna pay for this, dude!
Dave: No I'm not. You two don't have the juice anymore. Welcome to the new world order.

Sue: Here's a list of the kids I want shipped off to New York with thirty-five bucks in their pocket. Operation Madonna is now complete.
Principal: Sue, these are all Glee kids.
Sue: Yep.
Principal: Um... I... I'm sorry, Sue. I'm having trouble concentrating. Your new look is...
Sue: [wearing a copy of Madonna's cone-cup bra over her tracksuit] Fantastic. Yeah, I agree.
Principal: Unncessary. Sue, you're a powerful woman. You don't need to copy anyone else. You're an original, just like Madonna. Don't lose that quality.
Sue: Do you mean that, or are you just saying that because I poked a couple of kids' eyes out before second period today?

Quinn: I guess we have our ballad. And we can close with "Somebody to Love". It's a real crowd-pleaser.
Noah: Yeah, that and a can of soup will guarantee us third place. We still need another song we can all sing together.
Finn: [entering] I have one. I found the sheet music online. I used the Cheerios' copier to make copies, then I trashed the thing. Mike, Matt, Brittany, Santana, you're our best dancers. Figure something out and we'll all follow your lead.
Mike: It's gonna be choppy.
Finn: Good. We're best when we're loose. Look, all we have going for us is that we believe in ourselves and what we're singing about. If we can show the judges that... we might have a shot at this thing.

Jesse St. James: You guys need to stop being such asses and start being badasses.

Rachel: You told Kurt?
Finn: I don't remember. Maybe.
Mercedes: About Finn and Santana? No, I think I told him.
Rachel: Who told you?
Quinn: Me. I think Brittany told me. Or maybe it was Puck.
Noah: Yeah, it was me.
Rachel: Everybody knew about this but me?
Tina: Pretty much.
Santana: Nobody tells you anything because "A", you're a blabber mouth, and "B", we all just pretend to like you.
Noah: That's not true. I kind of like her.
Finn: Look, Rachel, when all this happened, you were dating another guy, so you don't really have a right to be pissed at me about it, okay? And fine, I shouldn't have lied about it, but to be honest, that isn't what you care about. You care about the Santana of it all.
Rachel: Oh, who are you right now?
Lauren: Best green room ever.

Kurt: [to Rachel] You are a diva. And you have been a nightmare, but you're not a diva because you're a nightmare. You're a diva because you're talented, and ambitious, and because no one else in the world can do what you, Rachel Berry, can do. That's what being a diva's all about. Being an original. One of a kind. So hold the nightmare, but bring the diva.

Holly: Rachel, I used to be just like you, trying to get everything so right, hanging on so tight.
Rachel: What happened?
Holly: I got punched in the face.

Artie: Wait. Why does it have to be just the men? Why can't we objectify the girls too?
Kitty: 'Cause girls are the one that buy stuff. They're responsible for the consumer-driven economy. Those "Twilight" books are poop on paper and we've turned them into a billion dollar industry.

Sue: I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.

Emma: Are you sure you want to cancel the whole thing?
Will: I never should've tried to put it on in the first place. The reality is... I only did all this to get close to you.
Emma: I guess love can make you do some crazy things. You know?
Will: I'm sorry, Emma. And I promise to never abuse our feelings for each other again. I mean, let's face it. Carl's actually making you better. And if I really love you... I need to back off and accept the fact that, at least for now, being with him is the best thing for you.

Sam: I'm pretty, but I ain't dumb.

Sugar: V-Day is my fave day ever and to help me celebrate, my daddy's throwing me a huge, ridic party at Breadstix and I'm naming it the Sugar Shack. And drumroll, Rachel... you're all invited! But you have to bring a date. No single people allowed. They're sad and boring and they don't exist in my world.
Mercedes: Um, but you're single.
Sugar: Not for long.

Santana: [Talking to Mr. Schue] Oh, you're one to talk. How about you crack a Four Loko, Count Boozy Von Drunk-a-Ton?

Finn: [after seeing Sam performing on stage as a stripper] That's an image I'll never be able to get out of my mind.

Mercedes: Where do you think you're going with those?
Santana: Principal Sue banned the tots.
Mercedes: She can't do that!
Brittany S. Pierce: They look liked deep-fried deer poop.

Brittany S. Pierce: I just don't want to die.
Sue: You don't climb in that cannon, and that routine will be all "boom boom" and no "pow". And that, Brittany, is so 2000 and late. Here's your consent form. And as you ponder your decision, I ask that you remember that that cannon has two little baby twin cannons at home, and one more on the way. And if you refuse to sign this, well, those little baby cannons might just go hungry.
Sue: Baby cannons?
Sue: And the mama cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can't work. Do you want us to win or don't you?
Brittany S. Pierce: [taking a pen] How many M's are there in the letter R?
Sue: Make an "X".

Kitty: Every day I ask myself, "What would Quinn Fabray do?"
Quinn: It's really nice to know that people still remember me.
Kitty: Remember you? Oh, no. we aspire to be you. Me especially.

Brittany: [to the camera] My name is Brittany S. Pierce and I finally know how Jesus feels in his house way up at the North Pole because I am on top of the world. Senior year was awesome and now, I get to relive every minute of it. I'm Head Cheerio, Vice Rachel of the glee club and now I'm planning a Middle East-style sham election that will install me as senior class president for life.
Blaine: Brittany, who are you talking to?
Brittany: I thought I was doing a voiceover.

Will: [the club is depressed that Sue is one of the judges at regionals] It took everything I had not to cry. It's like they've all walked a thousand miles just to get punched in the stomach.
Emma: What exactly are you looking for from me here?
Will: Some guidance.
Emma: Do you remember when you were going to quit teaching and become an accountant, and I showed you that video of yourself singing at nationals, and you said that that was the happiest moment of your life? Do you remember why?
Will: Because I loved what I was doing.
Emma: And isn't that what you've been drilling into their heads all year? That that feeling is way more important than winning or losing?

Kurt: [to Sebastian] I'm sorry I didn't hear you. I was distracted by your giant horse teeth.

Will: We're only gonna do songs by neglected artists!
[the members looks confused]
Will: Because it's a night of... neglect.
Rachel: Can you define what you mean by 'neglected artists'?
Will: Eh... Someone whose brilliance isn't always appreciated.
Rachel: Oh, so you mean like me?

Finn: [to Rachel] You're the most talented person I know. Even more than that guy at the mall who can juggle chainsaws.

Noah: [voiceover, as he plays guitar while Rachel sings "What a Girl Wants"] I know this looks weird, but wait until you see what happens next.
[in real time]
Noah: My ears are starting to hurt. Could we take a break?
Rachel: Okay.
Noah: You want to make out?
Rachel: Sure.

Sue: You know, there's only one person in the world who can tell you what you are.
Kurt: [smiling] Me.
Sue: No. Me. Sue Sylvester. And she hasn't quite made up her mind about you.

Noah: You're wrong. It's a really good name. It's a rock star name.
Quinn: You want to name our daughter "Jack Daniels"? She's a girl!
Noah: Okay, fine, whatever. Jackie Daniels.
Quinn: The name is not the point. I told you this. I'm giving up the baby so I don't have to do this with you. This is good for you. Now you can go off and be a rock star yourself.

Burt: I'm sorry, I don't know what you want here.
Kurt: What I want is for you to appreciate how hard it is for me to watch you bond with the son that you've obviously always wanted.
Burt: Oh, suddenly I'm not the guy who sat through Riverdance three years in a row? Look, Kurt, I love you, and I am sympathetic to all your stuff, but come on, buddy, we got a deal here, right? I don't try to change you, you don't try to change me. You are my son, and a little guy talk with some other kid isn't gonna change that.
Kurt: [hurt] Guy talk? I'm a guy.
Burt: Well, come on, you know what I mean.
Kurt: Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it is too soon for you to start getting serious with someone.
Burt: Your mom's been dead eight years, you know that.
[as Burt stands to leave, a tear rolls down Kurt's cheek]
Burt: Why'd you fix me up with Carole, huh? Wasn't it to make me happy? 'Cause that's what you told me.
Kurt: Can you go now? I'm a half hour behind on my moisturizing routine, and I need to get up early.

Jacob: Artie Abrams, lunch room sources tell me you've been sitting with Cheerios.
Artie: Well, I'm usually seen sitting.

Kurt: New Directions is clearly a club with a dearth of direction. Rachel and Jesse refuse to accept that all of us would rather die before we allow them to become the next Beyoncé and Jay-Z. And Finn's mother's romance with my father is sending him into a wholly unnecessary tailspin of despair. What we all need right now is to explore the idea of a sense of place and how, if we find that place within, we will get that happy ending.

Noah: All right, listen up.
Azimio: You gonna light your farts on fire again? Because I'm a major fan.
Noah: I want to talk to you guys. About Bruce Springsteen.
Dave: Is this going somewhere?
Noah: Don't push me, Karofsky. You forced my boy Kurt out of here, and juvie or no, you're already my number one on my list to go all Death Star on.

Will: [at Carl's dentist office] Hey, Rachel.
Rachel: Hey, Mr. Schue.
Will: You all set? You need me to stay with you or anything?
Rachel: No. I've been taking herbal anti-anxiety pills and reading "The Unauthorized Biography of Britney Spears" to stay calm. I look forward to the day the paparazzi provokes me and I attack them.

Tina: I feel so violated. It's like someone broke into our home.
Will: Look, it was jut a lame little prank. And the fact that they're trying to get to us means maybe we got them spooked.
Mercedes: Uh-uh, Mr. Schue. They aren't afraid of anything. That number they did was fantastic. You know, which doesn't make any sense. They had all that equipment. How did they even get in?
Sue: [entering] I gave 'em all keys. Helped them do a sound check over the weekend.

Sean: Finn with you?
Rachel: No, I came by myself. Is that okay?
Sean: Yeah.
Rachel: I, um... I just wanted to say thank you, and for showing me that just because I'm not good at anything other than singing doesn't mean I'm not any good if I can't sing. That sounded like a really bad greeting card.
Sean: No, it was cool.
Rachel: Well, anyways, I... I just thought I could maybe return the favor. I thought I could give you singing lessons. It sort of seemed like an area of interest for you. I'll... I'll come by, like, once a week or something, and we could just see how it goes? I've... I've helped almost everyone in our glee club, some by brute force, but...
Sean: So your voice came back.
Rachel: Turns out that a heroic dose of antibotics and a mysterious blend of herbal remedies and a vow of silence is all it takes to cure tonsilitis, so... I'll probably have to have my tonsils taken out eventually, but, um, I'm... I'm not scared anymore.

Noah: [listening to Aural Intensity] A mash-up of Olivia Newton-John and Josh Groban. Are you kidding me? Somebody tipped them off about the judges.
Rachel: Guys, we can't get distracted by what the other teams are doing.
Finn: We've just got to keep our heads in the game and focus.
Santana: Even though we know we can't win?
Will: [entering] Yes. If this is only about winning for you guys, then I owe you all an apology, because I've failed you. And we should just all go home, because it means we've already lost.

Emma: Did you ever notice that Britney Spears only makes great music when she's not chasing down paparazzi? She can't just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the walls. She's gotta reign it in. Just like you do. You're such a great teacher, Will. Now, probably the best in the whole school. So why would you wanna be someone else when that someone you already are is so amazing?
Will: Because the boring someone that I already am wasn't good enough for you.

Will: You have got to be kidding me.
Sue: I was headed to the library computers late last night to score my Cheerios some cheap tickets on one of those off-brand airlines with shoddy safety records; you know, to fly my JV squad, so if the plane did go down, well, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But then... *horror*!
[flashback; in the library, Sue comes across a naked Jacob Ben Israel webcamming with an unseen Rachel]
Jacob: Rachel, are you aware you've never been hotter than you are right now dressed as Britney Spears?
Rachel: Thank you.
[cut to Sue's office]
Jacob: Can I put some clothes on, please?
Sue: No. I want you to feel the beads of your own sweaty, depraved stank dripping down your butt crack.
Jacob: Rachel Berry was dressing like Britney Spears, and I was... titillated.
Sue: Oh, dear god, please don't ever say that word again.
Jacob: Can I go now, please? And you're gonna have to turn around when I stand up, if you know what I mean.

Will: [watching a rocky start to rehearsals] It's good, but let's... put a little life into it.
Dave: But we're dead.
Will: Then put some afterlife into it. So get out of your heads and get into your characters, all right?

Donna: Those Jane Addams girls, I'll be damned if I didn't apportion hundreds of thousands of taxpayers' dollars to that school so they can parade their behinds around like a bunch of hoochie hos.
Candace: The McKinley group was good, but didn't seem all that rehearsed, but I liked their energy.
Rod: Well, I have to admit I have a soft spot for the Rolling Stones. I was at Altamont Speedway in '69. I actually saw that guy get stabbed. Can't get that image out of my noggin to this day.
Donna: I seriously don't know what either one of you are talking about. I have never been so bored. I mean, if I had to pick a group that I hated the least...
Artie: [listening through the door with a glass to his ear] It doesn't sound good, guys.

Brittany: After school, I'm hopping into bed, eating cashews and bacon, and then watching "The Client List" marathon.

Quinn's: I left your father. Well, I kicked him out. Turns out he was sleeping with this tattooed tramp. I want you to come home, honey. We can turn the guest room into a nursery... say something, Quinnie.
Quinn: My water just broke.

Will: I don't know if you guys really understand how much harder Artie has to work to keep up.
Artie: Preach!

Brittany S. Pierce: [to Santana] Happy Valentine's Day.
Santana: You're giving me your computer for Valentine's Day?
Brittany S. Pierce: It's a playlist with all the songs that I hear in my head when I'm with you or when I'm thinking about you. I wanted to make you a CD for Valentine's Day, but this is as far as I got without any help, so... oh, and I made you a cover.
[shows Santana the album cover of the playlist which is a picture of Santana hugging Brittany]
Santana: [smiles] Brittany, thank you.

Artie: My tap wheels suck.
Tina: I thought we sounded pretty good.
Artie: Yeah, you did. I sound like someone put tap shoes on a horse and then shot it.

Kurt: I'm gay. She's black. We *make* culture.

Brittany S. Pierce: [to Marley] I noticed that whenever you look at Jake, you get a really sad look on your face and if it's quiet enough, I can actually hear that you're whimpering like a suckling puppy.

Noah: Rachel was a hot Jew. And the good lord wanted me to get in her pants.

Kurt: My body is like a rum chocolate souffle; if I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise.

Will: [after several tryouts, Sue chooses a girl with Down syndrome for the Cheerios] What are you up to, Sue?
Sue: I'm just following orders, Will. I'm doing what I was told. And I found myself a brand-new Cheerio.
Will: You're up to something.
[as she leaves]
Will: I don't like this, Sue!

Will: Guys, I'd like to introduce you to someone very special. This is April Rhodes. She's our newest member.
Finn: Wait, so old people can join Glee Club now?
April: Old, huh? You guys look like the world's worst Benetton ad.

Will: Sorry I'm late, guys. I was with Principal Figgins. Bad news, guys. Puckerman's in juvie.
Tina: It really was just a matter of time.
Quinn: What did he do?
Will: He drove his mom's Volvo through the front of a convenience store, and drove off with the ATM.
Rachel: [the club snickers] A-a-and when is he getting out?
Will: Unknown.
Brittany: He might be the dumbest person on this planet, and that's coming from me.

Sandy: He's here! Josh Groban is here! He's in the front row... big brown eyes and cute as a buttermilk biscuit. I barfed!

Santana: I don't even think you need all of these beauty products Rachel because they're not really having the desired effect, unless your goal is to look like a reject from the "Shahs of Sunset."

Rachel: Guys like Karofsky only respond to muscle.
Quinn: So we're going to fight violence with violence?
Rachel: No! Look, I'm not saying that... that they should hit him. What I'm saying is we need to defend Kurt, and there's strength in numbers.
Tina: [to Brittany] I'm confused. Are you and Artie officially dating now?
Brittany S. Pierce: Deal with it.

Sue: [at cheerleading practice] You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded, *that's* hard!

Sue: Let me break this down for you, okay? I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go onto college? I don't know, I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners. But if they want to be bankers and lawyers and captains of industry, the most important lesson they could possibly learn is how to do a round off.

Kurt: You look like a technicolor zebra.

Kurt: [to Sebastian] You give a bad name to the entire gay community.
Sebastian: And you give the gay community cutting-edge fashion that's usually only seen on Puerto Rican pride floats.

Will: [passing out sheet music] We're starting from scratch. Grab a stool.
Artie: So we're a stool choir now?
Will: Nope. We're not dancing with the stools. No gimmicks. No false theatricality. We're just gonna sit in them and sing.

Sue: [at Cheerios tryouts] No way. Get out.
Quinn: Coach Sylvester, please hear me out.
Sue: Nope. I trusted you, and you let me down. I don't want you anywhere near my squad. You'll deafen them with the sound of your stretch marks rubbing together.

Sue: As Madonna once said, I'm tough, I'm ambitious and if that makes me a bitch, that's what I am. Pretty sure she stole that line from Sue Sylvester. No, really. I said it first.

Sue: [Writing in her journal] Dear Journal. Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn, when I tried to make a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then at Cheerios practice, disaster! It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg. A quiver! That quiver will lose us Nationals. And without a championship, I'll lose my endorsements. And without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft. Glee Club. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger, like some sexually-ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I've sacrificed everything, only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Am I missing something, Journal? Is it me? Of course it's not me. It's Will Schuester! What is it about him, Journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? Is it the store-bought home perm? It's coming clear to me now. If I can't destroy the club, I will have to destroy the man.

Noah: Hey, you need to lose the skank act and get it together.
Quinn: Look, everyone needs to leave me alone because this is who I am.
Noah: You look like a Real Housewife of Reno.

Finn: What the hell? It seems like now everybody's doing things just to hurt my feelings.
Jesse St. James: I thought you all would take this news a little better. I'm a star. You can learn from me.
Kurt: We were already fighting for second leads. And now that you've shown up, I've lost all hope of ever getting a solo.

Will: [after hearing Sugar sing] Holy sh... ugar!

Josh: I thought that brunette had an amazing voice.
Olivia: Brunettes have no place in show business.
Sue: Come on. They're just kids.
Olivia: That's no excuse. By the time I was fourteen, I'd already formed a band. When Josh Groban was their age, he was already in the Mickey Mouse Club or something.
Sue: Well, as the only educator here, let me point out that not all kids are afforded the same opportunities as others.
Olivia: Is that what you tell yourself to get to sleep at night? Some people just simply don't have talent. You think you're a celebrity. You're not. You just try hard. That's about it.
Rod: Olivia Newton-John has a valid point here. You have a lot in common with those kids at your school, Sue. Underachievers with delusions of grandeur.
Josh: Dagnabbit! Now even I have to admit I'm a little confused as to what Sue is doing in this room. Wasn't the theme tonight supposed to be celebrity judges?
Sue: Kiss my ass, Josh Groban! I am an internationally ranked cheerleading coach!
Olivia: Who lives in Ohio. When this is done today, Josh and I are flying back to L.A. first class. You'll be staying here. Just like those kids. I think we've all made up our minds. Let's vote.

Shannon: I'm not gay, you know. I know I can be a little intimidating sometimes, but... deep down inside where no one can see, I'm just a girl. A-am I nuts that I just want to be reminded of that sometimes?
Will: Well, that's what dating is for.
Shannon: Last... date I went on, the guy was a freak. All he wanted to do was wrestle.
Will: Well, let me help you out, then. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out...
Shannon: No, there aren't. I'm kind of a specific type.
Will: Well, you just got to put yourself out there, try online dating...
Shannon: I've never been kissed, Will. It's the simplest thing. A kiss. It's a doorway to everything else, you know? Promise, hope... of a future with someone. What does that say about me? I'm 40, and I haven't even taken those baby steps yet.
Will: What that says to me... is that you are a beautiful, amazing woman whose heart is just too big for most men to stand.
Shannon: You really think I'm pretty, Will?
Will: Inside and out.
[he leans in and kisses her]
Will: And now you've been kissed. Hey, come to the choir room tomorrow at 4:00. The guys want to apologize to you in person.
Shannon: You tricking me into a make-out session, Schuester?

Finn: There's nothing going on between me and Rachel.
Quinn: All I know is that when I don't catch you staring at me... you're staring at her.

Artie: I can't believe I just bought tap shoes.
Tina: Think of them as an investment in your future. Do you want a pretzel?
Artie: Hell, yes, woman.
Tina: They're upstars. Do you mind waiting down here while I go get them?
Artie: As long as you're buying.

Will: [suspicious about Sue] You think she has a brain tumor? That can cause erratic behavior.
Principal: All I know is that she walked in unnanounced and she wrote me a check for three new handicapped ramps.
Will: I... I... I just don't get it. I mean, first putting Becky in Cheerios, now this. What is her angle?
Principal: Why ask why?

Brittany: [about to shave her hair a la Britney] Coach Sylvester's taken away my high pony. If I can't have my high pony, I don't want any hair at all.

Rachel: What kind of makeover did you have in mind?
Kurt: We need to broaden your appeal. I want every boy to do a double take when you strut past.
Rachel: There's really only just... one boy that I'd like to impress. Can you keep a secret?
Kurt: Of course.
Rachel: I'm in love with Finn.
Kurt: Really?
[Rachel nods]
Kurt: I understand completely. Let's move on to makeup. I happen to know for a fact that Finn is attracted to loose women.
Rachel: What? Quinn is so wholesome.
Kurt: Let me put this into musical theater parlance. In "Grease", what did Sandy do to get Danny Zuko? She had to ditch the poodle skirt and slap on a catsuit. In short, she had to dress like a ho. Maybe if your look was better, more desirable, Finn would be in your arms right now. Instead of Quinn's.

Will: Where have you been? I have been calling you all weekend.
Emma: I was kind of embarrassed. I really wanted to go through with it, Will. You were so gracious and gentle and... handsome, and it felt so good to be close to you in that way. I just... I don't know why I always freak out that like that.
Will: Stop. Stop, stop, stop. You don't need to sleep with me to prove anything. You took ownership of your body on Friday when you told yourself you weren't ready... and then ran out of my apartment with no shoes on.
Emma: They're my favorites. Did you bring them?

Kurt: Are you not drinking?
Finn: No, designated driver. What about you?
Kurt: I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get to sloppy.
Blaine: [dances wildly in background]
Kurt: Clearly, he doesn't have the same concern.
Blaine: [walks up and hangs on Finn] Hey, hey, it's so cool that you and Kurt are brothers. Right? Brothers! Wow! You're so tall.
Kurt: You having fun Blaine?
Blaine: Yeah, it's the BEST PARTY EVER!

Artie: I bet we get stuck with Mr. Sinacori as our sectionals advisor.
Tina: Ugh, the creepy math teacher?
Kurt: He's always singing when he walks down the halls.

Rachel: I won my first dance competition when I was three months old.

Will: [watching a rehearsal of "She's Not There"] Guys...
[glancing at Coach Beiste, who gives a nod of approval]
Will: Awesome! Seriously. All you football players nailing that Zombies classic o-on the first time out. I am impressed.

Santana: [as she yells at Rachel in Spanish while being held back] Escucha! Soy de Lima Heights Adjacents y yo tengo orgullo!. Sabes lo que pasa en Lima Heights Adjacents? Cosas Malas!

Sandy: You just got poked. Poked by the dagger.

Artie: It's a Carmel High tradition. They psych out the competition a few weeks before the big show. They call it a funkification, meaning they show us what they've got, and we spiral into a deep, black funk.
Finn: Yeah. Yeah, we used to do the same thing to other football teams. You know, try and get inside their head before the big game, pull little pranks to intimidate them.
Noah: Yeah, well, the difference was our football team sucked. Those guys are golden.
Kurt: Come on, keep your heads up, guys. It's going to take more than that to...
[stunned to see the choir room TPed]
Kurt: ...get us into a funk.

Artie: I'm sorry, I can't do this. I just can't. I'm sorry.
Brittany: Uh, why... why can't you do this?
Artie: I thought I was over somebody, but I... I still think I have feelings for them.
Brittany: The Clintons?
Artie: Tina.

Kurt: Fellow Glee Clubbers, I've called this meeting because our free-falling reps have reached terminal velocity. We are at DEFCON 1.
Mercedes: We're such zeroes, they didn't even bother putting us on the Glist.
Kurt: What does a C-lister do when their tiny star is about to fall off Perez Hilton's radar screen? They cause a scandal so extreme they can no longer be ignored.

Brittany: [to her phone] Kiki, why is everybody staring at me?
Kiki: [in an automated African-American accent] Because those fools are jealous.
Tina: Who's Kiki?
Brittany: Kiki is Siri's super-smart older cousin who's really jealous of how famous Siri's gotten. She lives inside this super cheap phone I found at the laundromat.

Sebastian: [to Rachel and Kurt] Well, well, well. If it isn't a young Barbra Streisand and an old Betty White. Where is Gay Cyclops? Still trying to stumble his way in?

Sue: [after Sam is finished singing] We gotta get that girl on the cheerios.

Rachel: [excited that Glee hasn't been canceled] Okay, you guys, I think this is the perfect opportunity for us to start rehearsing for next year's sectionals immediately.
Will: Guys, you've all worked really hard this year...
Rachel: But I have ideas.
Will: ...and you deserve a break. Take the summer off. Have some fun.

Rachel: Mr. Schue, it is pointless to rehearse this scene without Finn.
Will: We don't have a choice. He's late and he's not answering his phone. We gotta get this timing down, guys. And would you please stop interjecting your opinions, Sue?
Sue: Opinions? These are my re-writes.

Scott: Appropriate outfits. They represent the death of your guys' reign at this school.
Finn: How many times do we have to put you puckheads in your place before you realize that football rules this school?
Scott: Maybe, but not after you make dancing fools of yourself at that halftime show. You know it, we know it, the whole school knows it.
Dave: They'll think different after they see it. It's gonna be awesome.
Scott: Holy crap. They turned Karofsky gay.
Noah: What are you moose knuckles doing with those Slushies?
Scott: Ready for the fireworks? It's Independence Day.

Will: Hey, Sue. Can I talk to you for a second?
Sue: Sure, buddy. You look steamed.
Will: Those kids went out and really tried to show what Glee Club was all about. And how does the school repay them? By defacing the sign-up sheet. "Buttface McBallnuts". "Ass-braham Lin-colon". They're not even funny!
Sue: Now, don't be rude, William. I put a lot of thought into those.

Rachel: You might think that all of the boys in school would want to tap this, but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date.

Sue: [to Quinn] I, Sue Sylvester am with child.
Quinn: Are you serious? Wow. Um, that's amazing and confusing. Who's the father?
Sue: Oh, I can't tell you that yet. But here's the deal. In order for this zygote to stay firmly ensconced in my uterine wall, my doctor has put me on bovine hormones that are making me extremely nauseous. They've also given me a near-superhuman sense of smell. For instance, I can tell that within the last week, you either enjoyed a delicious curry or a hug from Principal Figgins.

Will: ¿Quién es más macho de Will Schuester?
Subtitles: Who is more macho of/from Will Schuester?

Rory: I thought America was all about different, unique people coming together and accepting one another.
Finn: Pretty old brochure, dude.

Will: [as they watch the kids decorate the tree] I thought you hated the holidays.
Sue: [Without a bite to her tone] No, i just hate you.

Will: Every team tries to showcase their strongest players.
Emma: Look, just seeing your kids do the "Rocky Horror" thing really reminded me of how much talent you've got in Glee Club. Quinn has a beautiful voice, and Mike Chang has dance moves that are to die for. Look, I'm sure that you know what you're doing; I'm not saying that. Everyone has picked you as favorites for sectionals, you won your sectional last year. It's just, I don't know, you guys used to be the underdogs. Now you're a real team, which is wonderful. You're a constellation of stars. I would just hate to think that you might be ignoring some of them because they don't burn quite as obviously bright.
[realizing she's overstepped]
Emma: I've said too much.
Will: No. You said just enough.

Sue: [from having "Physical" video posted online] That video has received over a hundred and seventy thousand comments. I took the liberty of printing out a few
Principal: [reading comment] The man in this video looks like the champion cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester.
Sue: That was particularly hurtful.

Will: Hey, Em. Just trying to figure out the setlist for Saturday.
Emma: I just got back from the emergency room. Had them give me four decontamination showers. I think they call that "the full Silkwood".
Will: What happened?
Emma: Kurt was drunk and he ralphed on me. Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet, but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake ID, because he looks like an eleven year old milkmaid.

Will: [defending Puck and Finn] It's a harmless prank.
Sue: That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on a dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and the city burned, William. That young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.

Will: I feel so bad, Emma. I've been working so hard trying to get the guys to start treating the girls with more respect, and I... I haven't been walking the walk. I never should have agreed to have you come over that night.
Emma: I did kind of throw myself at you.
Will: That is the point. All right, we're falling into a pattern here. We need to instant an official no dating policy until my divorce is final.
Emma: Well, when will that be?
Will: I filed today. So that's a start. But while we're waiting, I want you to get some help for your problems; we need to take action here. They're not gonna go away unless we do.
[handing her a business card]
Will: Now, our health union covers counseling. They'll come to the school, meet you in your office, whatever you need. And...
[he places her shoes on the desk]
Will: I polished them myself.
Emma: [standing to leave] Thank you.

Finn: I'm not coming back.
Will: These are the moments, Finn. They're the crossroads. The ones you look back on when you get old and think "what if...?".
Finn: I don't buy that. I don't think any one decision makes your life, unless you accidentally invent some kind of zombie virus or something.
Will: No? You're right. Life's a series of choices, a big combination of moments. Little ones that add up to big ones that create who you are. You're letting other people make those choices for you, Finn. You're letting them decide who you're going to be; people you're not even going to know in three years, people whose names you're gonna forget when you run into them at the hardware store.
Finn: You don't understand the kind of pressure I'm under.
Will: Yes, I do. Because of all the students I've ever had, you remind me the most of me. Come back to Glee, Finn. It's where you belong.

Kurt: [to Santana] We just got off the phone with Brody. Did you confront him at NYADA with a Paula Abdul song?

Principal: These students have committed a felony. They are hereby expelled.
Shelby: Look, I don't want anyone to get expelled. I'm not going to press charges as long as you pay for the damage. You can take it out of the glee club budget.
Will: That'll bankrupt the glee club. We don't have that kind of money.
Finn: We'll get jobs. Give us a month. We'll... we'll pay you back, Ms. Corcoran, I promise.
Shelby: Fine.
Principal: Ms. Corcoran, you are as wise and maganimous as you are beautiful.
Will: [Shelby leaves] Thank you.
Sue: Well, you just can't win, can you, William? You never have, and you never will.

Santana: When I look at someone, I don't see someone who looks a certain way or has this or that amount of chromosomes. I just see someone I may or may not have to destroy.

Kurt: Coach Sylvester, can I have just a minute of your time?
Sue: What do you want, ladyface?
Kurt: You're aware a tape was leaked onto the Internet, causing you to become a national laughingstock? We stole the tape from your syringe and pill drawer. We posted it online. We'll accept whatever punishment you see fit.
Sue: So it was you. I can't thank you enough.
[Kurt looks around at the others, confused; cut to them in a classroom]
Artie: She wasn't angry at all. It was weird.
Tina: Maybe the comments online have gotten so mean, people have started to feel sorry for her. She's finally getting some sympathy, so she's in a forgiving mood.

Will: What are you doing here? You should've called.
Terri: I brought you some more soup.
[babbling like a baby]
Terri: But I guess baby's feeling a lot better if he's healthy enough to have a beer with a friend!
Holly: No, no. Hi. I'm... I'm Holly Holliday.
Terri: Are you a porn star or a drag queen? I'm Terri Schuester, Will's wife.
Holly: Wow. Your wife's kind of a bitch.
Will: She's my ex-wife. And I have no idea what she's doing here.

Finn: [to Santana] Everyone in this room knows about you and Brittany and we don't judge you for it. We celebrate it because it's who you are.

Principal: Sue, the dry cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.

Will: Okay, look, Sue. If you're back, let's bury the hatchet.
Sue: I won't be burying any hatchets, William, unless I happen to get a clear shot to your groin. You humiliated me.
Will: You did this to yourself, Sue. All I did was enjoy watching it happen.
Sue: Yeah, well, enjoy this, William. Now that I am back and my position is secured, I will not stop until you are fired and your little Glee Club is annihilated into oblivion.
Will: Bring it.
Sue: Oh, I will bring it, William. You know what else I'm gonna bring? I'm gonna bring some Asian cookery to rub your head with. 'Cause right now, you got enough product in your hair to season a wok.

Will: You guys are best friends, why are you fighting?
Noah: I'm just really stressed about the bake sale.

Sue: Let me put it to you this way. If it's not a full blown affair, well it's certainly heading in that direction. You need a machete to cut through the haze of lust that surrounds them.
Terri: Oh God. What am I going to do?
Sue: I think you should both pack up and move out of the district. Unless you want to lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bushbaby.

Will: I don't think you guys understand the seriousness of what we're up against. While we were busy winning our sectional, Vocal Adrenaline was busy winning theirs. They're last year's national champions. They haven't lost a competition in three years. This is the big leagues, guys. If we don't place at regionals, Glee Club is over.

Rachel: So, do you like my winter wonderland?
Finn: Well, I don't really like artificial Christmas trees. I like real ones. They smell amazing; that's kind of the whole point.

Santana: Hey Britt-Britt. So listen. How about you and I pop in some Sweet Valley High this evening and get our cuddle on?
Brittany: Look. I'd really like to get my sweet lady kisses on, but I haven't been feeling very sexy lately.
[whispers]
Brittany: I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone, okay? Especially Artie.
Santana: Yea, sure, your secret is safe with...
[cuts self off]
Santana: Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant.
Tina: Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant!
Noah: It was only a matter of time.
Lauren: For what?
Noah: Brittany to get pregnant.
Lauren: Congratulations!
Artie: For what?
Lauren: Oh, you didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo! You're gonna be a baby daddy!

Will: Look, I know you know something! So we're not leaving here until I get some answers.
Kurt: Mr. Schuester, may I be blunt?
Will: [exasperated sigh] Shoot.
Kurt: Ever since you separated from your wife, you've spent a lot of late nights watching reruns of "Law & Order", haven't you?
[seeing his expression]
Kurt: Hmm. Thought so. And no, I didn't make the Glist.

Sam: It must be hard. I think if I went through what you went through last year, I would have transferred to a school on the moon or something, out of embarrassment. Okay, that... that didn't come out right. I mean you're really brave to come back like you have. I don't judge you or anything. I know what it's like to have a... secret that you're ashamed of.
Quinn: Oh, holy crap. So you... so you are gay?
Sam: What? No. Not at all. When I found out I was moving here, I wanted to seem cool, you know? Figured if I looked like Swayze in "Point Break", people might think I was a surfer or something. I didn't think it through very clearly. So... I put lemon juice in my hair.
[Quinn snickers]
Sam: I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for Kurt and his sixth sense.
Quinn: I think it looks cute.
Sam: Really?
[she puts the free dinner certificate away]
Sam: What are you doing?
Quinn: We're not using that. You're paying.
Sam: Why?
Quinn: Because a gentleman always pays on the first date.

Quinn: I like what Kurt stands for and Brittany's insane, but just like my dad always voted for the candidate who was least ethnic, I'm voting for the one who's most girl.

Jesse St. James: She has the tape. She won't listen to it.
Shelby: What? She has to listen to it. That's the point of all this.
Jesse St. James: I'm doing my best! Look, when you told me to seduce her...
Shelby: "Befriend" her was the word I used, actually.
Jesse St. James: Whatever. The thing is I was into it because I thought it would be a good acting exercise, but now I think I kind of like her. I don't want her to get hurt.
Shelby: Look, one more week, this will all be done; you can come back to Vocal Adrenaline where you belong.
Jesse St. James: I don't understand why you don't just go up to her and say "Hi, my name's Shelby. I'm your mom."
Shelby: I signed a contract. I can't contact her until she's eighteen. She has to come to me. That's why she has to listen to the tape. Once she hears it, she won't be able to sleep until she finds me. I answered an ad in the paper. Nine months work here would make me enough money to live in New York for two years. Her dad seemed like nice guys, so I went for it. I never got to hold her. And I only saw her for a second when they were cleaning her off. It was through a bunch of nurses, but she turned her little head, and she looked at me. I've failed as an actress. My walls are lined with trophies instead of wedding pictures, but through all of that... I only have one regret. You get her to listen to that tape.

Rachel: [finding Vocal Adrenaline in their auditorium] Jesse? What are you doing up there with them?
Jesse St. James: I've transferred back to Carmel High, Rachel. I'm sorry that it's come to this, but you guys were awful to me. You never accepted me, you never listened to my clearly superior ideas.
Finn: Why are you here in our auditorium?
Jesse St. James: The blogs and chat rooms say that we're finished, and that you guys are ripe to topple us. We just wanted to show you a little something that we came up with a few days ago to see if you agree with that assessment.
[they perform a rendition of "Another One Bites the Dust"]
Giselle: Thanks for letting us borrow your auditorium, guys. It's quaint.

Rachel: Now I'm free to pursue my dreams without anything holding me back.

Sue: Wheels, Porcelain, Other Gay. The yuletide season is upon us and everyone knows that Christmas is a time for forgiveness. So I have decided to forgive you for having no talent and ruining the American songbook one mash-up at a time.

Artie: [about the girls] We're planning on smacking them down like the hand of God.

Sue: Sometimes people ask me, "Sue, how come you're so sensitive to minorities?" Well, I'll tell you why. Because I know firsthand how hard it is to struggle as a minority in America today. I'm 1/16th Comanche Indian. In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.

Shannon: What are you gonna do?
Will: Something I should have done a long time ago. If Sue wants to declare war in the arts... then general Schuester is about to launch a counter offensive.
Emma: So this is what being turned on feels like.

Sue: You know, a week ago, had I found a list that so degraded the glee club, I would've been embarrassed I was beaten to the punch. But now I know the white-hot shame of public rebuke; that pain is indescribable.
Principal: William, last year at West Dayton High, a photo circulated of school superintendent...
Sue: And what was he wearing?
Principal: Women's lingerie.
Sue: And what was he riding?
Principal: Pony!
Sue: And who was expelled?
Principal: The entire school!
Sue: The entire school was expelled, Will!
Will: What does that have to do with me?
Principal: You must find out who made the Glist and suspend them before they post another one, or I'm holding the entire glee club responsible!
Will: Are you serious?
Principal: Deadly serious! I cannot have these shenanigans at this school!
Sue: He cannot have these shenanigans at this school!

Dr. Carl Howell: All right, so here's the deal. You chew this little capsule. Now, if there's any plaque you missed, the dye will stick to it and turn your teeth blue.
Santana: Can I just say that you are the hottest dentist I've ever seen?
Dr. Carl Howell: I get that all the time.
Santana: No, like, seriously. You can totally drill me whenever...
Emma: [interrupting] Santana. Okay, let's stay focused.

Jesse St. James: [to Rachel] That's sweet, you remembered the masculine click of my designer boots.

Marley: [to Unique] I thought your parents didn't want you wearing...
Wade: They don't. They're trying to protect me, but what they need to understand is if I'm not being true to myself at least when I'm performing, then there won't be anything left inside me to protect so they can keep talking about sending me to a camp for little boys who like to wear dresses, but I will not and cannot be ashamed of who I am or how I look.

Noah: Hey ankle grabber! I had sex with your mother. No seriously. I cleaned your pool, and then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets.

Finn: [after excusing himself to use the bathroom but actually making a phone call] I have to go, they'll think I'm pooping.

Rachel: Mr. Schuester, I'm so sorry.
Will: Do you understand what you did today? You lied to me. And you ruined our chances. No parent in their right mind is gonna let their kid join Glee now. Oh, and, uh, here's a list of the songs that we're allowed to sing.
Rachel: What's a "luftballoon"?
Will: Look, I know how much you care about Glee Club. And I understand why you did what you did. But I don't like the way you did it.

Noah: Revenge. Fear. The merciless infliction of pain. These are my kingdoms. The first time I gave a wedgie to a kid, I was four years old.

Kurt: I'm very impressed with everyone's Sunday best. It's so Christ chic.

Sue: This was a particularly interesting find from today's round of locker checks. Are these your droopy white granny panties, Jacob? Are you an Eve who was born a Steve? Because if you are, I think there's a special school that would better address your needs. And I think that school is in Thailand.
Jacob: Rachel gave them to me so I wouldn't run the Quinn story.
Sue: What Quinn story?
Jacob: Quinn Fabray is pregnant.
Sue: Not a chance. If my head cheerleader was pregnant, jeopardizing the very future of my Cheerios and thus my teaching tenure, I think she would have come to me. Quinn Fabray respects me, would never lie to me. Never.
Jacob: I have three sources confirming. Please don't expel me. I'll kill the story.
Sue: No. Run it.

Sue: I'm about to vomit down your back.

Jacob: [to Rachel] When are you slated to make the triumph that return to the Shire?

Holly: [narrating over flashbacks] Spaulding High School, ten years ago.
Holly: Good morning, class.
Holly: [v.o] I was subbing for a math teacher.
Holly: The syllabus says that you're on algorithms, so let's start with some easy ones.
Cameo: Let's start with you kissing my ass!
Holly: [v.o] Her name was Cameo. She was like an attractive Biggie Smalls.
Holly: Okay, Ms...
Cameo: Cameo.
Holly: Ms. Cameo, do you find that algorithms are hard for you to understand?
Cameo: Do you find my fist hard to understand?
Holly: I have some really great tricks that make them very easy to learn.
Cameo: Tricks? What are you, some type of magician subsitute?
[getting out of her seat]
Cameo: I'm a Christian, and that devil magic stuff offends me!
Holly: [flinching as she gets punched] Cameo!
[return to real time in Will's apartment]
Holly: I woke up in an empty classroom. They'd stolen my Air Jordans. From that moment, I realized I got to keep things moving, I got to keep it mellow and fun.
Will: Yeah, to keep from getting your butt kicked.
Holly: And I do, in all ways. I never sign more than a month-to-month lease. I only eat off paper plates. I *live* on one-night stands. Last year a guy asked me to marry him; I moved.

Quinn: Did you love me?
Noah: Yes. Especially now.
Shelby: [approaching] Which one is yours?
Quinn: What are you doing here?
Shelby: I see her now. She looks like you. Does she have a name?
Quinn: No.
Noah: Beth.
Shelby: Pretty. I like that name.

Suzy: Hey, Barbara Streisand, we need to have a little talk.
Rachel: I have nothing to say to you, Pepper. If you continue to stalk me, I'll press charges. Everyone knows what you are. You're the school crazy.
Suzy: I was crazy. Crazy in love.
Rachel: There's nothing you can say that's going to change the way I feel about Mr. Schuester. Ours is a love for the ages. Your threats will just make our love grow stronger.
Suzy: Let me tell you a few things I learned from two years of intense psychotherapy and an esophagus transplant. Lesson number one: you and Schue? It won't work.
Rachel: What do you mean?
Suzy: We're not so different, you and me. We're both mildly attractive and extremely grating. Love is hard for us. We look for boys we know we can never have. Mr. Schue is a perfect target for our self-esteem issues. He can never reciprocate our feelings, which only reinforces the conviction that we're not worthy of being loved. Trust me. I'm a cautionary tale. You need to find some self-respect, Rachel. Get that mildly attractive groove back.

Santana: [to her abuela] I love girls the way that I'm supposed to feel about boys. It's just something that's always been inside of me, and I really want to share it with you because I love you so much. I want you to know me. Who I really am. When I'm with Brittany, I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about love. I've tried so hard to push this feeling away, and keep it locked inside, but every day just feels like a war. I walk around so mad at the world, but I'm really just fighting with myself. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm just too tired. I have to just be me.

Kitty: [Looking at at picture] And this is Mr. Jojo. I rode him for six years before he broke my hymen.

Quinn: [helping Sam after he gets slushied] The blueberry flavor is the worst, especially if it gets down your pants. I looked like a creature out of "Avatar" down there when I got slushied.

Noah: [to Jake] I know what it feels like to be scared that you're not important or smart or worth anything. We had the same dad, bro.

Sue: Couldn't help but overhear your conversation.
Quinn: What were you doing in there?
Sue: Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me by the Swiss-timepiece regularity and utter silence of my 2:00 p.m. ninja poops.

Cassandra: What's your name, Muffin Top?
Lydia: Lydia.
Cassandra: No, your name's Muffin Top. And from now on its rice cakes and ipecac, or cut off a butt cheek cause you need to drop a few.

Sue: [while putting together a Madonna-inspired Cheerios routine] Somewhere in the English countryside, in a stately manor home, Madonna is weeping!

Sue: [narrating] Dear journal, I am in crisis. Not even the can't-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going anymore. Is it the raccoon hormones my new doctor gave me? Maybe. Here I am, 31, and already a legend. What do I do as a second act? I'm simply at a loss. Last week, I even took to modifying my own flawless form just to feel something.
Tattooist: [tattooing her back] Wait. It's Syv-lester, right? Sue Syv-lester?

Will: Miss Fabray! Wait. You know, there's only one person in this world that you care about. And that's yourself.
Quinn: You have no idea...
Will: [slams his hand on the table] I'M NOT FINISHED!
Becky: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Will: You're not a little girl anymore, Quinn. How long are you planning on playing the victim card? Since day one, you've done nothing but sabotage the same Glee club that's been there for you over and over again! When you got pregnant, when your parents kicked you out... You know, Mercedes even let you live in her house! And I don't recall ever hearing so much as a 'thank you'. Tonight, you're a train wreck. Well, congratulations. But you stride into my office and tell me it's MY fault? Well, then I have something to say to you: grow up.

Kurt: Based on my investigation, I am of the opinion that a yearbook photo would only fuel the flames of anti-Glee Club terror. I've done a little library research.
[showing them an old yearbook photo]
Kurt: Peter Gellar. Glee Club second tenor, 1998. He can be seen here with both a drawn-on Hitler mustache and rice paddy hat. Shortly after the yearbook came out, Mr. Gellar had a nervous breakdown. He is now the homeless man who sleeps in front of the public library.
Quinn: Patches?
Kurt: Patches.
Brittany S. Pierce: He barks at my mom.
Kurt: [showing them another yearbook photo] Exhibit B. Tawny Peterson. Glee Club class of 2000. Seen here in her photo with a cartoon knife stuck in her head, in a macabre tableau that, in four years, would prove eerily prescient. I think I speak for all of us when I say that not having to pose for a yearbook photo might be a blessing in disguise. I suggest not fighting Figgins' ruling.

Shelby: So, how'd your dads come up with the name Rachel?
Rachel: They were, um, big "Friends" fans. I know why you're here. To say goodbye.
Shelby: I really wanted this to work. Do you know what really turned me? That story that you told me about your dads, and how they'd bring you water when you were sad. We're never gonna have anything like that. It's too late for us. I just think that anything we share right now is gonna be confusing for you.
Rachel: I just don't understand. You... you're my mom. I feel awful right now, and I should want to fall into your arms and let you rock me and tell me everything is gonna be fine, but... I just don't feel it.
Shelby: It's because I'm your mother, but I'm not your mom.
Rachel: So, what? Do we just pretend we don't know each other now?
Shelby: That seems silly. Let's just be grateful for one another, from afar. For a while. Don't think for a second I'm gonna soft on you during regionals.
Rachel: Bring it.

Rachel: [after Puck gets slushied] You're actually a lot luckier than me and Quinn. Your head is shaved.
Noah: I'm really sorry I ever did this to you.
Rachel: It's okay.
Noah: No, it isn't. No one deserves this feeling. You know what the worst part is? It's not the burning in your eyes or the way the slushie drips all the way into your underpants. It's the humiliation. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment.

Santana: [passing by Rachel with Brittany] Hey, dwarf, anyone ever tell you that you dress like one of the bait girls on "To Catch a Predator"?
Brittany: Also, I'm more talented than you.
Rachel: [Finn snickers] You could have defended me.
Finn: [throwing it back in her face] Well, Santana has a point. Just trying to be honest.

Sue: I'm actually very proud of you, twinkle tush. You're a real trailblazer. You know, it used to be that just straight ex-football players would lurk the halls of high schools after graduation, but you've proven that gay, ex-show choir champs can also be depressive sad sacks desperately clinging to the past.

Will: Looks like everybody voted for Rachel. Including Rachel. But we need two captains, guys.
Quinn: Why two? We're fine with having Rachel represent us in the Thunderclap by herself.
Kurt: We'd actually prefer it.

Sam: Blond Chameleon here. My superpower is I can impersonate anybody. George W. Bush. Heh.

Becky: I'm Queen Bee and I can sting like a bitch.

Santana: All right, hottest guys in the school. Go.
Brittany: Okay. Um, Puck's super-fine. Finn's cute, too.
Santana: Yeah, but he's not hot, though.
Brittany: He really isn't.
Santana: And you know what, Brit? I think that dwarf girlfriend of his is dragging down his rep. I mean, if he were dating, say, popular, pretty girls like us, he would go from dumpy to smokin'.
Finn: Hello? Hey, I'm right here. Would you guys mind, like, including me in your conversations?
Santana: I'll just give you an introduction into the way that we work. You buy us dinner and we make out in front of you. It's, like, the best deal ever.

Will: Oh, hey, Finn. Come on in. I'm learning all this amazing stuff about Lady Gaga. She's got this thing called the Haus of Gaga, which is, like, this collective of artists and designers who collaborate on... on her styles and stage sets and her music. And I think it's an exciting model for what we could be doing in Glee Club.
Finn: Yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I don't want to do Lady Gaga. And I suspect that, with the exception of Kurt, that none of the other guys are gonna want to do it either. I just feel like we're always doing whatever the girls want us to do.
Will: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You know, maybe I haven't been listening to you guys hard enough. So let's find a solution.
Finn: Well, I, uh... I actually already have one.

Will: Sue.
[she ignores him]
Will: Hey, Sylvester, I'm talking to you.
Sue: Oh, hey, buddy. I thought I smelled failure.
Will: Why'd you take the piano when it was my time up with the kids?
Sue: A properly steam-cleaned piano is key to any successful music group.

Wes: The Warblers haven't performed in an informal setting since 1927 when the Spirit of St. Louis overshot the tarmac and plowed through seven Warblers during an impromptu performance of "Welcome to Ohio, Lucky Lindy."

Rachel: [angry that Finn bailed on a school photo] Oh, hello, Finn. How nice of you to show.
Finn: Look, I'm sorry. The guys were harrassing me in the locker room about it. They said that if I took the Glee Club photo that they'd make me choose between a Hitler mustache or buck teeth, and I can't rock either of those looks.

Blaine: Blaine Anderson: "You move me, Kurt."

Finn: Hey. We need to talk. We had a chance of keeping it together at Mr. Schue's until you decided to bail. You're our leader, Rachel. And the... the way you're on everyone all the time is annoying, but it's also what keeps the club motivated. You and I are going to fix this. We're going to regionals, and we're gonna win this thing.
[on impulse, she leans forward and kisses him]

Sam: Wade, you can't wear that makeup and stuff in here. You have to understand how this stuff works. It's like "Game of Thrones."
Artie: Yeah, the peace between us and the truly popular kids is weak. Winter is coming. It's not gonna take much for us to get smacked down to the bottom again.

Kurt: Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.

Will: I don't know what the future holds for me, and for us, but I know, Saturday, you're going to make me proud. You guys are going to be great. So... goodbye for now.
Mercedes: Wait. What about our set list?
Will: I... I can't help you with that. You've got to figure that out for yourselves.

Will: I think your accent is throwing me off. Where you from?
David: Ohio!

Shannon: What are you guys doing in here?
Finn: Oh, we were gonna take our zombie makeup off for the second half. It's... it's kind of itchy.
Shannon: No. Leave it on. Maybe we'll freak out the other guys a little bit, and we need all the help we can get right now.

Quinn: Hey, Kurt, can I pick your pink brain for a second?
Kurt: Why, hello, Quinn. To what do I owe the honor? I do believe this is the first time you've ever spoken to me.
Quinn: I'm sorry about that. Anyways, I have a proposition to make: a makeover.
Kurt: I'm in! Makeovers are like crack to me.
Quinn: Uh-huh.
Kurt: My suggestion? SPANX. Or a double-knit camisole with a control top for the baby bump. Also, babydoll dresses, dead giveaway.
Quinn: Not for me. For Rachel.
Kurt: And why would I want to do that? I admit I like a challenge as much as the next guy, but Rachel somehow manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time.
Quinn: My point exactly. You're as concerned about the Glee Club succeeding as I am, and she's a distraction. Look at her. She's wearing a pantsuit. Don't you think the judges are going to take one look at her and maybe want to knock her down a peg or two?
Kurt: And to think, I thought you were a dumb blonde. Deal.

Brittany: Did you see what Rachel was wearing today?
Santana: I know. She looked like Pippi Longstocking, but, like, Israeli.
Brittany: Those sweaters make her look homeschooled.
Finn: [Santana laughs] Hey, guys, come on. Don't make fun of Rachel. She's... she's kind of cool.
Brittany: Finn, that's mean.
Santana: You know what, actually? Would you mind waiting in the car? And leave your credit card.

Tina: Asian Persuasion here. My superpower is being the mistress of manipulation.

Noah: I say we blow this thing up into the arcade.
Finn: No, no! Screw that! These people paid to see us sing. What's that saying, 'the show must go all over the place', or something.
Rachel: You mean 'the show must go on'.
Finn: Yeah.

Kurt: I don't know if you've noticed, but no one's really looking for a Kurt Hummel type to play the opposite Kate Hudson in a rom com.

Brody: [to Rachel] In case you were wondering, which you were, I'm straight.

Becky: I don't want to hurt your feelings coach.
Sue: Why? I don't have feelings, Becky.

Kurt: I've been invited to audition for a solo.
Rachel: Why should I help you? I mean, you're our competition now.
Kurt: Because even though we hate each other, we've had our moments, and I could use your expertise. And no one knows how to kill a ballad quite like you. You are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating.
Rachel: Considering that this might be my only chance to sing for a little while, I'll give you a couple tips. So, what did you, uh, have in mind?
Kurt: I've settled on Celine Dion's classic "My Heart Will Go On".
Rachel: Oh, no. No, no, no.
Kurt: No?
Rachel: Listen, you need something much more personal than that. I mean, this is about you. Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral?
Kurt: No.
Rachel: I do. Finn throwing himself into the grave out of grief, and all of the heartfelt speeches and the regrets.
Kurt: That's insane.
Rachel: Clearly no one in the Glee Club appreciates me. Is it so wrong for me to fantasize about them finally realizing how amazing I am but it being too late?

Will: I'm very proud of you guys. Artie... why don't you bring this to Principal Figgins yourself?
Finn: [seeing Artie's expression] What's wrong, dude?
Artie: I really appreciate what you guys did for me, but I'm not the only kid in a wheelchair at this school. And I'm sure there will be others after I graduate. And I know how important it is for all of us to go to sectionals together, but I think I'd rather just get a ride from my dad and use this for a handicapped ramp in the auditorium.
Will: Any objections?
Finn: Well, it sure beats having to carry him in every day.

Blaine: [to Sebastian] You're just so, you know, you're out there.
Sebastian: And your whole bashful schoolboy thing? Super hot.

Rachel: Mom?
Shelby: Hon, you gotta stop sneaking into these rehearsals.
Rachel: It's kind of important.
Shelby: [Rachel shows her her Lady Gaga outfit] Oh, dear god.
Rachel: My dads can't sew. I really need a mom right now. Do you think you can help?

Tina: We have a big problem.
Artie: Is the problem your outfit? Because you look like a cheerleader zombie corpse.

Will: Coach, uh, Beiste, I... I think you understand our frustration. Our budgets just got cut by ten percent.
Shannon: It should have been more! You think there's not something wrong when the cheerleaders' budget's higher than the people who they're cheering for?
Will: Well, sure, but the Glee Club is...
Shannon: The Glee Club? You came in third last year and you're asking for more money? That's a steer with six teats and no oink.

Will: You're a substitute. Of course you can let the kids do whatever they want. You never have to deal with the hangover of all that fun.
Holly: 16% of all high school students dropped out last year. We can't just expect them to sit up and pay attention. These kids feel special. They have a voice, and if we don't listen to it, they just tune us out.
Will: I give my kids a voice. I just don't let them run it free. I'm a teacher. It's my job to know more than they do.
Holly: Right, you don't know about what they care about the most - themselves. These kids get bored, they change their facebook status. They're entitled to have all of these emotions, and not only that, they're entitled to have the world care about them, that is what the generation is about.
Will: A great teacher is supposed to show them there are other points of view besides their own.

Kurt: I'm gay.
Burt: I know. I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a sensible pair of heels.

Finn: Wow. What am I going to do with my life? I don't have my girl. I don't have a job. I don't have a place in this world.
Rachel: You have you, and that's better than anyone else on the planet as far as I'm concerned.

Sam: Rule number one: manscape! Nobody wants to see those random nipple pubes or even worse, a back that looks like Chewbacca's ass. No offense, Joe.

Sue: I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help, but picturing birds laying sulfurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting.

Will: Sue! We need to talk. The auditorium is padlocked!
Sue: Well, that's curious. Did you check the sign-up sheet?
Will: What sign-up sheet?
Sue: [pulling it out] Why, the one I keep right here in my waistband, William. Let's see. Yeah, I've got the entire week booked solid. Got a big magazine feature coming up. It's a little chilly for my girls to be praciticing outdoors.
Will: Yeah? Well, let's see what Figgins has to say about this.
Sue: Oh, I'm sure Figgins will just mumble something nervously and then pretend to take a phone call. I happen to be blackmailing him.

Sue: Hey, buddy, see you on Saturday.
Will: Wait. What?
Sue: At regionals. Didn't you hear? I'm one of the judges.

Will: [to Mr. Pillsbury] Did you know that you are extremely racist?
Rusty: Not quite.

Sue: I'm having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today because your hair looks like a brier patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the bayou!

Rachel: When we first started Glee Club, I told Mr. Schuester that being part of something special makes you special, and I don't know, I just... I think I lost that somewhere along the way. But winning that way at sectionals... it really reminded me of it.
Finn: Are we a part of something special, you and me?
Rachel: Yes.
Finn: I love you.
[they hug]
Finn: No more lying, ever.

Finn: Well, we have a few things we'd like to show you, Mr. Schue. The first...
[the group moves aside, revealing the Sectionals trophy]
Will: I am so proud of you guys. You won fair and square. The result was unanimous, and... and the judges didn't even know about all the shenanigans that were going on behind the scenes. So... congratulations. You earned this.
[the students cheer and applaud]
Will: Give it up! Come on! All right! But... now we have regionals to worry about. And you can bet that Vocal Adrenaline is hard at work, so we should be, too. So, let's get started.
Noah: Uh, wait, Mr. Schue. There's one more thing.
Rachel: Since you weren't able to be there to see us perform, we put together a special number just for you.

Sue: [to Becky] Oh, honey, all healthy relationships are built on lies. When I got married, I pledged to be totally honest at all times. And you know what? I'm pretty sure that's why I ended up divorcing myself.

Santana: [to New Directions] Okay, you know what? You know what? Hey! I don't want to hear any of this, "We can't do it without her" because guess what? We don't have a choice. So be warned: if you are not giving this everything you've got, I will go all Lima Heights on your sorry asses.
Will: Listen to yourselves.
Santana: I know. I'm sorry. I always go to the yelling place. I have rage.

Kurt: Thank you both for attending the Kurt Hummel Wedding Dance Seminar. Dad, you're going to have to pull off the first dance with Carole. And if Uncle Andy's 40th birthday party was any indication, you're going to need some work.

Rachel: Did you ever regret it?
Shelby: Yes. Then no. Then so much.
Rachel: W... when did you realize it was the right time for me to find you?
Shelby: I saw you sing at sectionals. You were extraordinary. You were me.
Rachel: Was it hard for you to not become a star? To not have your dreams come true?
Shelby: It felt liked a broken promise. Like the Fisher King's wound; never heals.
Rachel: Wow. Genetics really are amazing. You see the world with the same fierce theatricality as I do. Even the way we're sitting right now is so dramatic, and yet we feel so comfortable with it.
Shelby: I've missed so much. How do you feel?
Rachel: Thirsty. When I was little and I used to get sad, my dads would bring me a glass of water. It got so I couldn't tell if I was sad or just thirsty.
Shelby: Uh... I shouldn't have done this.
[standing to leave]
Shelby: This was supposed to feel good. W... we were supposed to have some kind of slow-motion run into each other's arms. This is all wrong.
Rachel: Maybe we can just go to dinner or something, just to get over the initial shock?
Shelby: I'm so sorry, Rachel. Uh... I'll... I'll call you.

Rachel: She's prettier than me.
Finn: Would you stop?... You're beautiful.

Kurt: So they just kicked her out?
Finn: Yeah. Gave her half an hour to pack. Father set the timer on the microwave.
Kurt: I'm sorry. I guess my plan kind of sucked.

Will: Kurt, what is going on around here?
Kurt: Coach Sylvester won't get out of bed. We haven't had practice in days. I'm fine because I have Glee, but these girls have sort of lost it. No Nationals means that four of the girls will lose their college scholarships. And the rest are just depressed and confused.
Brittany S. Pierce: [passing by clinging to Jacob Ben Israel, who is desperately trying to get away] Please, please love me, please.
Kurt: It's really hard to feel bad for Sue Sylvester; she doesn't need another trophy. But some of these girls, they really do.

Kurt: I want my senior year to be magic and the only way that's going to happen is if I get to spend every minute of every day with you.

Santana: That's how we do it in Lima Heights.

Emma: [Will hands her a pair of tickets] House seats to sectionals?
Will: Those things are hard to come by. Scalpers are getting, like, five bucks for 'em.

Brittany S. Pierce: [to Sam] The truth is, is that, ever since Santana left, you're the only person who makes me smile.
Sam: I am pretty non-stop hilarious.

Sue: There are limits, Will. There is a line. And for reasons I suspect have nothing to do with your kids, you crossed it. You can't yell "fire" in a crowded theater, and you can't expose kids to material like this. Not on the taxpayers' dime.
Will: Oh, please, Sue. They have the Internet. They are exposed!
Sue: Don't lead them to it. Don't make it okay. They're kids! And now more than ever, high school is a dangerous place, and it's our job to guide them through it safely. And we still get to torture them along the way. It's a fabulous system.
Will: You're right. I... I'm pulling the show.
Sue: Wait. What?
Will: I'm canceling the show. You were right. I was totally wrong.
Sue: Well, shouldn't you wait until opening night? I mean, the kids worked so hard...
Will: Sorry, Sue,
Sue: [he stands to leave] Hey, do it for the kids, Will. I need that local Emmy, Will!

Sue: I think you will be adding revenge to the list of things you're not good at, including being married, running a high school glee club, and finding a hair style that doesn't make you look like a lesbian.

Kurt: I don't know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he's cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows.

Shannon: [watching Sue on a tear in the locker room] What the hell are you doing?
Sue: I'm sending a message. Sue Sylvester's done playing nice. I just got off the phone with the Ohio Cheerleading Board, and they accepted my request to move my regional to the same night as your championship game. Congratulations. You just lost your halftime show and the cheerleaders.
Will: [she knocks items off the desk] Sue!
Shannon: What the crap are we gonna do now?
Will: [getting an idea] I got it.

Holly: Hey, Rachel.
Rachel: Hello, Ms. Holliday. I'd like you to know that I have a very severe bruise on my right buttock from your game of gangsta rap musical chairs. I'll be going on record with the school nurse later today.
Holly: Rachel, you suck. Oh, my god, you're like a total drag. Has anyone ever told you that?
Noah: [passing by] I have.
Holly: Oh, Puckerman, here are the answers to the pop quiz I'll be giving in Spanish class later. It is *so* boring in there.

Noah: I was getting that you kinda need money. For our kid.
Quinn: For my kid.
[counting the bills]
Quinn: Eighteen dollars.
Noah: How much has Finn given you?
Quinn: Just stop. I told you before, I don't care if that baby comes out with a mowhawk, I will go to my grave swearing it's Finn's.

Sebastian: Let's get a few things straight: Blaine's too good for you, New Directions is a joke and one of us has a hard luck case of the "Gay Face" and it ain't me. Odds are by the end of the school year, i'll have Blaine and a Nationals trophy, and you'll have khakis and a Lima Bean apron and that gay face.

Kurt: Oh, how I've missed your insanity.

Finn: [to Ryder] Hey, what are you doing?
Ryder: Studying.
Finn: In study hall? I think you're the first.

Kurt: You know, when you call me "Lady", that's bullying. And it's really hurtful.
Sue: I'm sorry. I thought that was your name. As an apology, I'll allow you to choose from the following nicknames: Gelfling, Porcelain, and Tickle-Me Doughface.
Kurt: I guess I'll go with Porcelain.
Sue: Damn. Totally wanted Tickle-Me Doughface.

Finn: [at dress rehearsal] I know I'm supposed to be in my underwear for this scene, and I'm totally down with that. Uh, I thought maybe I would save it for the opening, if that's okay.
[Schue gives him the "OK" hand gesture]
Sam: Um, also, Ms. Pillsbury, is there a way I could... wear, like, some gold board shorts or something? These are really short. I'm afraid I'm gonna show off some nuttage.

Brittany S. Pierce: I'm really surprised that "Jesus Christ Superstar" has chosen to end the world this way instead of the way he killed off the dinosaurs which was a global yeast infection.

Will: Jesse cared about you.
Rachel: No, he didn't. Our entire relationship was just some diabolical plan. They knew if they broke my heart close enough to the competition, that I'd lose my will to live, and then New Directions would have no chance at winning Regionals. It's textbook; you destroy the heart of the team's heart and you destroy the team.
Will: [voiceover as Rachel continues, under] Sandy told me how to beat Vocal Adrenaline, and now Rachel was inadvertently telling me how to beat my other nemesis. Suddenly, I wasn't feeling nearly as depressed.
[cut to him working in the choir room]
Sue: [entering] William, I'm gonna have to ask you to clear out. I received an anonymous tip from someone who wants to meet me here to discuss an illegal Hot Cheetos ring. Hot Cheetos have been proven to raise endorphins, which makes for happy kids, and I can't have that.

Will: [Drunk dialing Emma] Hey there sexy lady. There's something I really, really want to say to you. I love how you eat your lunch with your little plastic gloves and they crinkle and make the cutest sound I've ever heard in my life. Why don't you pick up some wine coolers and come over here and it'll be just one night of let's just get crazy, just get crazy ,getting' really crazy, rollin' round in the hay. Hay... I was just in some hay earlier tonight and hey, I rode a bull. I was thinking of you.

Brittany: I started taking Lord Tubbington's pills for feline depression.

Finn: Relationships are a lot like flowers. If you find the right seed, put it in good soil, give it water and sunlight, bam. Perfect bud. And then comes winter and the flower dies, but if you tend that garden, spring will come along and that flower will bloom again.

Will: This stuff between the jocks and the Glee Club has been going on since I started running the club.
Shannon: Maybe. It just seems like it's so much worse right now. I've won division championships at three different schools. You have to understand what winning means to a community. Grades go up, the streets are cleaner, crime goes down. It's a sense of pride, of unity. And this school deserves that.
Will: And you are gonna get it for us. I mean, you won almost every game this year.
Shannon: Winning conference was easy. The team we're up against for championship... they're much better than us. If you don't have the talent, you rely on the chemistry. They don't have to like each other, but they have to respect each other.
Will: This whole thing is just so weird. I mean, half of your starters are in my Glee Club.
Shannon: I just don't know what to do.
Will: [getting an idea] Do you trust me?
Shannon: You're not gonna try and kiss me again, are you?

Artie: I didn't see you in geometry today.
Noah: Jackpot. No, you didn't. I'm getting out of here. I'm skipping town, genius. My probation officer says hanging out with you isn't real community service, so if I don't spend the next six weeks picking up garbage on the highway, they're gonna send me back to juvie.
Artie: So, what's wrong with picking up trash?
Noah: Are you serious? It's ghetto, dude. I'm not a garbage man. You know how humiliating that is? I'm not doing it, and I'm not going back to juvie.
Artie: Why? I thought you loved it there.
Noah: Yeah? I lied. It's frickin' terrifying, dude. On the first day, three gangbangers jumped me, and before the security guys could pull them off, they'd already tore out my nipple ring. I thought I was a badass? There are some hard dudes in there. Guys with no families, guys who look at you like you're some kind of dog they can't wait to kick the crap out of. And they kept taking my waffles.
Artie: So... you be my community service.
Noah: What?
Artie: I owe you. You got me a date with Brittany. You made me feel cool, which is not the easiest thing to do. I really like hanging out with you, so... let me tutor you in geometry while you pick up garbage by the highway.

Finn: I got this at the school library. Did you know you can just borrow books from there? All of them. Except for the encyclopedias, but... it says in here that Walter Payton was a great dancer. In college, he... he won dance competitions on "Soul Train". And he took ballet lessons. And he even got the whole Bears team to take them the year they won the Super Bowl. That's how they came up with the Super Bowl Shuffle.
Will: Let me just get this straight. You want me to teach the football team how to dance? Uh... I don't think Ken will go for that.
Finn: We'll talk him into it. Look, you said you needed guys for Glee Club, right? If you can help us win one game, they'll start to trust you. Then I'm sure some of them will want to join. It's a win-win for both of us.

Rachel: Ladies, we have a problem. There's a new student at this school named Sunshine who is a Filipino and is shorter than me. Which I didn't think was possible and is very unnerving.
Mercedes: Okay, so I'm gonna go now.
Rachel: Wait! And... she has a remarkable voice. I'm just... I'm very worried. You know, not... not for myself, but for my lesser Glee Clubbers who don't get as many solos. So I've paid a hundred dollars to Azimio and Karofsky to brutally slushie us in front of Sunshine's locker, terrifying her and ensuring she doesn't sign up.
[seeing their expressions]
Rachel: Okay, so this is the part where you're supposed to be hugging me and thanking me.
Mercedes: That's awful. You're awful.
Rachel: But solos! I mean... I...
Kurt: Look, Rachel, Mercedes and I are about as self-involved as they come, but more than anything, we want to beat Vocal Adrenaline. And if there's someone at the school that can help us do that, they're in.

Shannon: [seeing the empty football sign-up sheet] I cut 30 guys when we had tryouts at the beginning of the season. You're telling me not one of those guys wants to play?
Will: It's like crossing a picket line. Nobody wants to be a scab.

Giselle: [egging Rachel] I hear you're a vegan, Berry. The souls of those poor egg fetuses are all on your conscience now.
[the group laughs]
Giselle: Do it, Jesse. Are you with us or not?
Rachel: [he approaches her with egg in hand] Do it. Break it like you broke my heart.
Jesse St. James: I loved you.
[he reluctantly cracks the egg on her]

Finn: What's that saying: The show's gotta go all over the place, or something?

Will: Now, we're a little short on female roles, so we're gonna have to double up on Columbias and Magentas.
Rachel: It's standard practice on Broadway. It'll preserve your voices.
Mercedes: I'd like to preserve you. In a jar. In my basement.
Will: Sam. I'd like you to play the role of the Creature.
Sam: From the Black Lagoon?
Quinn: Rocky. He's like the Frankenstein character, but blond. You'll kill the part. He's cute, just like you.
Santana: Better start working on those abs.
Sam: Are you kidding me? You could cut glass with these babies.

Kurt: [after singing "Pink Houses"] Is there something wrong, Mr. Schue?
Will: I don't really think you got the point of the assignment. This was about finding a song that expresses who you are. That song really didn't sound like you.
Kurt: Well, I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations.
Will: No, no. This group needs you to be you, Kurt. You can literally do things that no one else can.
Kurt: I'm not a box. There are more than four sides to me.
Will: Don't lose track of who you are just because it might be easier to be somebody else.

Rachel: [after Finn is finished singing "Hello, I Love You" in front of the rest of the group] And that, fellow Glee clubbers, is how we say 'hello'.

Sue: You wanted to see me?
Emma: Um. Yeah. Thank you for coming. Please sit down.
Sue: No.
Emma: Okay. Um. I was just wondering why Madonna was playing everywhere except my office.
Sue: Well, it's simple, Arlene. You don't deserve the power of Madonna. You have none of her self-confidence, her power over her body, or her sexual magnetism. Simply put, you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate. I had your intercom disconnected.

Sue: [passing Schue in the hall] Hey, man-whore.
Brenda: Will Schuester?
Will: Yeah.
Brenda: I'm Brenda Castle. I'm the new astronomy teacher and badminton coach. I also happen to be an alcoholic, and... I like pills. I hear that's just your type. Let's go in this classroom and pork!
Will: [pulling away] No.
Principal: I am praying for you, William. We've all heard about your gallivanting!
Will: But nothing happened!
Ken: Maybe that's not what matters, Will. You broke the heart of somebody who doesn't let people get close to her.
Will: I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
Ken: You probably didn't mean to hurt me, either, but lately I've been feeding my feelings to the tune of 6,000 calories a day.
Sue: [passing Will again] Slut.

Noah: [Rachel flinches when he approaches with a slushie in hand] I picked it up for you when I was buying dip. It's grape. I know that's your favorite, because the last time I tossed a grape one in your face, you licked your lips before you cleaned yourself off.

Emma: I'm a little confused.
Sue: I understand. You're probably wondering "What exactly does Sue Sylvester mean when she says 'I'm your new therapist'?". Well, let me explain. As you may or may not know, I star in a little music video that's been circulating around the Web. A video that has a tendency to induce cruel, slow-motion laughter.
Emma: No. No. Didn't... didn't know about that.
Sue: Well, this video has inspired Sue Sylvester to start giving back. I happen to have my Masters in counseling, and when I heard that our school district's one and only psychologist had committed suicide, well, I decided to volunteer my services. And they gave me your name. I'd really like to help.
Emma: I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sue: Ella, you're crippled by mental illness. Your compulsions have estranged you from your own feelings. You nearly married a gym teacher who's more gravy than man. And you're content to be repeatedly lied to by the man you purport to love.
Emma: I'm sorry?
Sue: I bribed Will Schuester's landlord to slip baby monitors under his couch, and under his bed. Turns out he's been having make-out sessions with the coach from Vocal Adrenaline, and sleepovers with that world-class banana magnet April Rhodes.

Dr. Carl Howell: Rachel, wake up. You Glee kids are impossible to work on. You're always moving around when you're under.
Rachel: [groggy from the anesthesia] Is this real life?

Finn: Hey, Coach, uh, this is Artie. He'd like to try out for the team.
Shannon: You screwing with me?
Finn: No. No. Absolutely not. Uh, see, we figured that if I push him down the field fast enough, the centrifugal...
Artie: [correcting his pronounciation] Centrifugal force.
Finn: Centrifugal force.
Shannon: You're out.
Finn: Wait. What?
Shannon: You're off the team, cut, out! You come in here pushing a kid in a wheelchair, making me look like some kind of monster because I have to tell him he can't play?
Finn: No. No, that's not what was going on here. Artie?
Artie: I really want to play.
[sheepishly]
Artie: I want my girlfriend back, and I want abs.
Finn: Yeah, he's like a human battering ram, like... like... Braveheart.
Shannon: You know what? I don't like being screwed with! Do you understand me?
Finn: Dude, you're totally overreacting.
Shannon: [insulted] Dude? Get the hell out of my locker room!

Kitty: My iced latte is too cold.
Kurt: It's an iced latte.
Kitty: It's an iced latte that is too cold.

Mike: I got an A-, Tina.
Tina: You got an Asian F?

Rachel: So what do you think, Ms. July. Am I ready to learn the tango?
Cassandra: Look, you can memorize a routine. So what?
Brody: Rachel was incredible.
Cassandra: You were incredible. She was okay. And that song? Garbage. Whose idea was that? You want truth? Fine. Maria von Trapp, Willy Loman, Shrek. Those are the roles that are appropriate for your level of sex appeal.
Rachel: You're just jealous of me. Of all of us.
Brody: Rachel, don't.
Rachel: No, because we have our entire careers ahead of us and yours ended before it even began. We're the future and you're just some YouTube joke.
Cassandra: You're done. Get out of my class. Get out of my class! Out!
[Rachel storms out of the room and Brody follows her]

Principal: It's decided. You are not allowed to fire anyone out of that cannon without their consent!
[leaving, Sue begins a tear around his secretary's desk outside]
Principal: It's coming out of your paycheck! Every penny of it!
[she continues out in the hall with students around]
Principal: Oh, god!
Will: It's a lawsuit.

Sebastian: You know what goes great with a new Dalton blazer?
[Smiling with a hint of his old flirtation]
Sebastian: An impromptu song.

Brittany S. Pierce: [to Sam] Can I ask you a question?
Sam: Oh, "The Walking Dead" isn't based on a true story. I already checked.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's not what I was going to ask, but, oh.

Sue: How dare you! You led me on. You told me you had feelings for me, then you ask me out, you don't show up, humiliating me. In public.
Will: Gosh, Sue, I wonder where I learned how to do all that. You meddled around in my marriage, you terrorize the glee club, you continue to sabotage my relationship with Emma. I tried playing nice, but nothing seems to work with you. Cruelty was the only way to get your attention. I have no interest in dating you, Sue. You're a bully and you're mean to kids.
Sue: I'm mean to everyone!
Will: Yeah, well, fine. Consider this a little taste of what you love dishing out. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Sue: [he shows her the door] This is uncalled for, William.
Will: Good night, Sue.

Sue: Cut my budget? You can't cut my budget without written consent from the president of the Federal Reserve! It's in my contract!
Principal: Oh, Sue, I think you can manage a sixth national title without two confetti cannons.
Sue: You think your kids can manage life without their daddy?
Will: We're barely surviving on the budget we have. Slashing the Glee budget by ten percent, cutting our transportation to and from events is like cutting our legs off.

Jesse St. James: Why are you so afraid about finding the truth?
Rachel: I don't know. I guess I just don't want to think that my mother is some teenage trollop like Quinn, or worse, some skanky girl who would do anything for money, including giving me up.
Jesse St. James: Why does it have to be one of those choices? Maybe she had a really good reason for doing what she did. We need to do a real investigation. Like "CSI" real. Do you have any baby stuff in your house, something that might give us a clue?
Rachel: My fathers kept every piece of paper related to my life in files and cabinets in our basement. It's sort of a little Rachel Berry museum.
Jesse St. James: Perfect. We'll start there.

Kurt: Oh, Finn, I wanted your opinion on this. It's a swatch board. I'm redecorating my bedroom. Kind of going for a hunting lodge meets Tom Ford's place in Bel Air. I was hoping you could help me out with the hunting lodge part.
Finn: I live in a closet. There's cowboy wallpaper on the walls.
Kurt: Oh...
Finn: [picking a swatch at random] But I guess that one's nice.
Kurt: Toile? I always pegged you as a chinoiserie type.

Will: Well, Sue, congratulations. You win. I lose. The kids lose.
Sue: I know you think I'm heartless, Will, and you may have a point. I spend large segments of each day picturing you choking on food. And I recently contacted an exotic animal dealer because I had a very satisfying dream that the two of us went to a zoo and I shoved your face into one of those pink, inflamed monkey butts that weeps lymph. And I know that you think I'm a bad person because I remain unmoved by your nattering of trite platitudes to your ill-shapen students about how the human condition can be improved by, yes, singing about it. And I've proven that I can wipe you and your Glee Club off the face of this earth. But what kind of world would that be, Will? A world where I couldn't constantly ridicule your hair. World where I couldn't make fun of you for tearing up more than Michael Landon in a sweeps week's episode of "Little House on the Prairie". And you know what, Will? Sue Sylvester's not sure she wants to live in that kind of world. So I had a little talk with Figgins.

Will: The wedding was great, but we have got to get ready for sectionals next week.
[Kurt enters]
Will: Oh, Kurt, good. I want to talk to you about this amazing idea I had for a solo for you at sectionals.
Kurt: Can I make an announcement first?
Will: Yeah.
Kurt: First, I wanted to thank everyone for what you did at my dad's wedding, especially Finn. It's nice to know that I have great friends here, as well as a true brother. Which is why it's so hard for me to leave.
Quinn: What do you mean "leave"?
Kurt: I'm transferring to Dalton Academy. Immediately. My parents are using the money they saved up for their honeymoon to pay for the tuition.

Quinn: What are you doing Friday night?
Noah: Just the usual. Stand outside the 7-Eleven and look depressed until someone offers to buy me beer.

Mercedes: Oh, Hell to the no! Look, I'm not down with all this background singing nonsense. I'm Beyoncé, I ain't no Kelly Rowland!

Sue: You should really be ashamed of yourself. You are are seriously No Fun to interrogate or almost torture.

Will: I'm tired of this, Rachel. You have a terrible attitude, you're a lousy sport, and it is not okay anymore.
Rachel: Well, I'm upset! I'm furious about this! About a couple of things, actually.
Will: Well, I'm sorry you're disappointed. But you know, you could also make the choice to be happy that we're a part of a glee club that is bursting at the seams with talent. There's an awful lot of "me" talk going around. "What's in it for me?", "What solo am I gonna sing?". Now, when we go to sectionals, we're gonna be good sports. We'll cheer on the Hipsters, we'll cheer on Kurt and the Warblers. And if they win, we will congratulate them. Because that's who we are.

Finn: [bumping into the football team with Quinn] Oh, hey, guys.
Azimio: You thirsty?
Finn: Sure. Thanks.
[they all throw their slushies on him and Quinn]
Finn: You can't do this!
Azimio: Oh, you think that's bad? Just imagine what's gonna happen if you don't show up to practice on Thursday and quit that little Glee Club for good. Bros before hi-hos, dude. Don't forget that.

Finn: Hey, coach, can I talk to you about something?
Ken: You got an itch down there or something?
Finn: What? No.

Rachel: If you're gonna criticize and mock me again about Jesse, you can can it.
Finn: I wanted to apologize. The only reason you were even open to dating Jesse was because I was such an ass. Mr. Tough Guy and all that. I really liked you. And I could have had you, but I blew it.
Rachel: [touched] You really liked me?
Jesse St. James: [entering] Okay, Finn. I know we have a big showdown coming, so let's just decide on the arena. Sing-off, the parking lot, 5:00. Be there.
Rachel: [worried] No.
Finn: [offering a handshake] Welcome to New Directions. Frankly, I need you. I'm tired of carrying the male vocals all by myself.
[he and Jesse shake hands]
Finn: I'll do my best to stay away from your girl.
Jesse St. James: I appreciate that. She's a keeper.

Sam: Someday, I want to earn enough money to buy my folks a new place so they don't ever have to go through losing their home again.

Rachel: Finn, listen to me. You know, even if we, we never won our Sectionals, or Nationals had never happened, it still would have been worth it. I mean, Glee, it's about the love of the music. It's about people like Puck and Artie, not just singing together but actually being friends. It's about Brittany and Mike dancing just for fun when no one else is around. It's even about the romances. You know they come and go, but they're just as important.

Brittany S. Pierce: Hey, Kurt. That song was hot.
Kurt: Oh.
[with a Southern twang]
Kurt: Merci.
Brittany S. Pierce: So, you're pretty much the only guy in this school I haven't made out with, because I thought you were capital "G" gay. But now that you're not, having a perfect record would mean a lot to me. So let me know if you want to tap this.

Quinn: If you quit I'll let you touch my breasts.
Finn: Under the shirt?
Quinn: Over the bra.

Brenda: Well, look who it is. I thought I smelled a laughing stock.
Sue: Don't start with me Castle, or I will kick you square in the taco
Brenda: It's a date. That's just a typical night in the Castle condo.

Santana: [to Finn] Hey Tubs! Can I talk to you for a second?
Rory: Hey, listen here. You can't make fun of Finn anymore.
Santana: [to Rory] Shut your potato hole, I'm here to apologize.
[to Finn]
Santana: Rachel's right, I haven't been fair to you. You're not fat. I should know, I slept with you. I mean, at some point I must have liked that you look like a taco addict who's had one too many back alley liposuctions.
Rory: Whoa.
Santana: [to Rory] Please stick a sock in it or ship yourself back to Scotland. I'm trying to apologize to Lumps The Clown.
[to Finn]
Santana: I am sorry, Finn. I mean, really, I'm sorry that the New Directions are gonna get crushed by the Troubletones. And also sorry that you have no talent. Sorry that you sing like you're getting your prostate checked, and you dance like you've been asleep for years and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel's coattails for the rest of your life, although, you know what, I would just watch out for her come holiday time if I were him, because if I were her, I'd stick a stent in one of those boobs and let the Finn blubber light the Hanukkah lamp for eight magical nights.

Brittany: My voice is too weak to sing live. I've been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me.

Will: It's not about doing your best anymore. It's about doing better.

Kurt: [at his dad's hospital bedside] Mercedes took me to church on Sunday. It's funny, but when the choir was singing, this memory flashed into my head. Do you remember our first Friday night dinner after mom died? You tried to make a chicken. I guess you wanted me to feel like there was something still normal. You put it on the table, and you cut into it, and it was raw. And we both looked at each other for a second, and cracked up before we remembered that we weren't supposed to yet. I'm sorry about the other day, dad. I should have let those guys pray for you. It wasn't about me. It was about you, and... it was nice. I don't believe in God, dad. But I believe in you.
[tears well in his eyes]
Kurt: And I believe in us. You and me; that's what sacred to me. And I am... I'm so sorry that I never got to tell you that.

Sue: Kitty is my new head bitch. She's like a young Quinn Fabray, except she's not pregnant, manic depressive or in and out of a wheelchair.

Mercedes: The boys beat us last time we competed against them. We've got to bring the noise hard this time.
Quinn: To be fair, they didn't officially beat us. We got busted for Vitamin D possession before the vote.
Santana: Wait. Something's definitely wrong. Why isn't Rachel talking?
Brittany S. Pierce: Yeah, she should totally be bossing us around right now.
Rachel: The idea of the assignment was to do the opposite of what we normally do. I'm just trying to stick to the lesson plan, which is proving nearly impossible since you're gluing those sequins on backwards.

Kurt: Let's play a game! On the count of 3, we'll all say our favorite 2010 Vogue cover! 1... 2... 3!
Kurt: MARION COTILLARD!
Blaine: Oh my god, yes!
Kurt: Yes!
Blaine: Yes yes yes! She's amazing!
Kurt: Amazing!

Rachel: [Christmas tree shopping with Finn] Last year, for Christmas, I asked Santa to give me you.
[she leans up to kiss him, but he stops and pushes her away]
Finn: It's not last year anymore.
Rachel: It's Christmas, Finn. It's time for you to forgive me.
Finn: No, I... I can't. Okay? This is wrong. I shouldn't... I should have brought you here. You messed me up, Rachel. Can't you see how screwed up I am about this? I've had two girlfriends, and both of them have cheated on me. Maybe you can ask Santa again for me next year. I'm officially breaking up with you.

Kurt: Dad. I have something that I want to say. I'm glad that you're proud of me. But I don't want to lie anymore. Being a part of the Glee Club and football has really shown me that I can be anything, and what I am, is, I'm gay.
Burt: I know.
Kurt: Really?
Burt: I've known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I'm not totally in love with the idea, but, if that's who you are, there's nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much. Ok?
[They hug]
Burt: Thanks for telling me Kurt.
[He starts to go]
Burt: You sure, right?
Kurt: Yeah Dad, I'm sure.
Burt: I'm just checking.

Blaine: Since Kurt and I broke up I haven't slept, I've lost my appetite and I don't even gel on weekends.

Dave: Looking good out there, Puck.
Noah: You know what? I don't want to hear it, Karofsky. I don't want to hear it from any of you. You're all a bunch of cowards. Coward losers.
Azimio: Yeah, you're the only loser losing this game.
Noah: You know, this is it. This is the moment of our lives. This is the one we can actually look back and tell our children about. This is our moment to actually win something, and you guys are sitting in the damn stands! I mean, you're so afraid of being called geeks or losers or gay that you settle for being nothing. Well, we still have a whole half to play. And we can win this, guys, I know it.
Azimio: What's the point, man? Beiste isn't gonna let us play.
Noah: She will if you come out and perform at the halftime show.
Azimio: I'm in.
Strando: Me, too.
Dave: No way.
Azimio: Come on, man, I really want to win this game. It would mean so much to my dad, man.
Dave: Forget it, okay? Glee Club sucks.
Noah: Fine, Karofsky's out. Whatever. But the rest of you need to get in your zombie makeup and hit the field toot sweet. Come on, let's go!

Brittany: That's my man and his legs don't work!

Will: Hey, can you give us the room, Rachel? We need to teach April the cues for "Don't Stop Believin'".
Finn: Wait, she's singing the female lead?
Rachel: Wait, she's in the Glee Club? She's... ancient.
April: Talent doesn't age, sweetheart.

Rachel: [to Blaine] You're such a cutie pie with your blazer and your pants.

Sue: Sandy, how is it that you manage to sneak into this school without setting off all of the fire alarms?

Finn: Being gay isn't a handicap, Artie.

Rachel: Tina, look, I understand that you feel like your voice is being stifled right now in the Glee Club. I mean, I have no idea why you would choose this moment specifically to make a stink about it but I want you to know that you are being heard which is why I'm willing to offer you $50 just to let this all go until after Nationals.
[Tina walks away from her and Rachel follows]
Rachel: Do you have any idea how important Nationals is to me? I mean, if I can convince Carmen Tibideaux to come and watch us perform, then it's basically like a do-over for my NYADA audition, which means that my entire future depends on us being amazing, which means that everyone needs to do their part.
Tina: Their part to make you look good. I have sat for three years, in the back of that choir room, holding Mike's hand or crying or smiling and swaying, while everyone else was out there singing solos. Maybe I say something, most of the time I don't, team player all the way. I am tired of being silent. I am one of the original Glee Club members and I was singing "Sit Down You're Rockin' the Boat" when Finn and Puck were still throwing Slushees at us. So when is it my turn?
Rachel: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be me? Do you have a Facebook account or Twitter account?
Tina: Yes.
Rachel: Do you have time to watch Bravo or read a book or buy laces for your incredibly high comical boots. Okay? I don't. It's exhausting being me. I get up at 5:00 in the morning just to get all of this prepared in case a solo is thrown my way. I have the entire Sondheim, Hamlisch, Lloyd-Webber, Elton John songbooks memorized, including every single Katy Perry hit, as well. And I do all of this while keeping my boyfriend interested and physically satisfied and being the captain of 16 clubs and keeping a 3.86 GPA.
Tina: I could do all of that.
Rachel: And you will. Next year. You'll have your chance next year.
Tina: All I want is, for one moment, to feel like you be up on that stage and get one of the standing ovations you're so used to getting.

Kurt: Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton!

[first lines]
Tina: Am I in trouble?
Will: Come on. You've got more self-esteem than that. I think this might have to do with your perfect attendance last semester.
Principal: No. Ms. Cohen-Chang is in trouble. It has come to my attention that the look you sport is what is known as goth. American teens are coming down with a serious case of "Twilight" fever, transformed from normal children into vampires obsessed with the occult. And only yesterday, this dark specter reared its head at McKinley High.

Will: Great news, guys. I've had a little inspiration. This week's musical lesson isn't really a lesson. It's a musical.
Rachel: [whispering to herself] Oh, please be "Evita". Please be "Evita".
Will: "Rocky Horror".
Finn: I've never seen it.
Rachel: Mr. Schue?
Will: Yup?
Rachel: While I admire your choice of the groundbreaking '70s musical, aren't you worried that the adult themes might be a point of controversy?
Kurt: Seriously. A school in Texas couldn't even do "Rent". It caused an outrage and they had to cancel the show.

Blaine: I am looking forward to marriage equality in all 50 states.

Artie: What are you afraid of? You're gonna be featured at sectionals. You should be happy.
Brittany: I can't handle the pressure. I know I'm more talented than all of you; Britney Spears taught me that. It's just, I can't have whether we win or lose on my shoulders.
Artie: B-but we all know you can do it.
Brittany: And I know that I can't. Just like I know that cricket that reads to me at night is totally stealing my jewelry.

April: I'm rolling on a fistful of horse tranquilizers, I can't feel my lips

Will: Since it seemed to get you guys jazzed about sectionals last year, I want to make this week our second annual boys versus girls tournament.
[cheers from the kids]
Will: So, split up into two groups, and figure out what songs you're going to sing.
Rachel: Okay, I have mash-up ideas in my head.
Will: [knowing Kurt is moving towards the girls] Kurt, gonna say it again. Boys' team.

Finn: What happens when the Pope dies?
Kurt: Heaven you'd think.

Brittany S. Pierce: Your hands are really soft.
Kurt: My secret? Duck fat.
[passing Artie and other students]
Kurt: Hey, guys. Just holding hands with Brittany.
Brittany S. Pierce: Seriously, they feel like a baby. Now what I know what it's like to date a baby.

Quinn: New year, and I've finally found myself. I'm not sure what the tipping point was: Dying my hair, the nose ring, my erotic tattoo of Ryan Seacrest... But one thing I know, I'm never going back.

Will: Tina, you may not always get all the solos, but you are a key player. I put you in charge of costumes.
Tina: Wow! Like that's some prize. You want props to move around? Well, I'm a human prop and I'm sick of it!
Sue: Take a lap and cool down, Asian Number One.
Tina: My name is Tina. Tina Cohen-Chang!
Sue: Isn't she the one who used to stutter?

Will: You remember high school? Remember what it's like? Those kids get labeled the second they walk through the door freshman year. Geek, punk, jock, queer. I've seen who these kids in Glee Club really are.
[showing him the club's picture in the Thunderclap]
Will: No labels, no preconceptions, their true spirits. Yes, most of them are not stars, but they shine like them. Do you know what happens when a star dies, Bryan? It doesn't just disappear. It turns into this black hole, this giant energy-sucking mass that doesn't just collapse on itself; it takes away any light that comes close down with it. You take away Glee, you're not just putting out those kids' lights; you're creating thirteen black holes.

Will: [on why he flunked several of Sue's Cheerios, thus making them academically ineligible for the squad] I have a Spanish quiz in which one of your cheerleaders misspelled her name, and answered every question with a drawing of a sombrero!

Will: So, I guess this is where I grovel to try to get my job back.
Sue: No groveling necessary, William. I'm returning you to your position. You know, one of the marks of a successful leader is appointing trusted lieutenants, and Ms. Holliday was clearly not up to the job. You irritate me, William. You make the underflaps of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub them with poison sumac. But your kids sure love you, as evinced by the amount of treacly blubbering I had to sit through.
[cut to a montage of students in Sue's office]
Finn: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school who asks you how you're doing and actually wants to hear an answer.
Noah: Mr. Schue's the only teacher at this school that ever really touched me. Besides Mr. Ryerson.
Sam: He taught me how to tie my shoelaces.
Rachel: I used to think that I was the best thing that happened to this school, but... I was wrong. Mr. Schuester is.
Brittany S. Pierce: Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after "M" and "N". I felt they were too similar and got frustrated.

Finn: There's no way the Glee Club's gonna let you join permanently, until you clean things up with Kurt. So I was thinking maybe we could go together to Dalton and apologize to him, if you...
Dave: Who-who said I want to join the Glee Club permanently?
Finn: I just thought after this week and-and... the way we won the game and the way you came out to dance...
Dave: What do you think? We all dance around together and win a football game and everything's gonna change? Glee Club's gonna be cool and we're all gonna sing hippie peace songs every morning?
Finn: Maybe. I-I don't know. I-It's a start.
Dave: No, dude, it's a finish. Okay? This is high school. People's memories for good stuff lasts about as long as their Facebook status.
Finn: But we've got a chance to really change things here.
Dave: I just won the conference championship. I'm on top. Why would I want to change things?

Finn: Look, I'm all for pumping up the team, making everyone feel special, but that's for practice. You don't take the star quarterback out before the big game.
Rachel: Yep.
Tina: Easy to say when you're the star quarterback.
Finn: This isn't just about me. This is about the team.
Santana: You are such a hypocrite.
Rachel: Oh, like you even know what that means.
Santana: It means that your boyfriend is full of crap, hobbit.

Will: Let's bury the hatchet, Sue.
Sue: No. I won't be burying any hatchet. Unless I get a clear shot to your groin!

Rachel: Haven't seen you at Glee rehearsals.
Quinn: I'm not Superwoman. I know Glee is your whole life, but I have the Cheerios, I'm on honor roll, I have friends.
Rachel: You don't have to be so embarrassed. No one at Glee is gonna judge you. Look I know, everyone expects us to be enemies and be in competition, but I don't hate you.
Quinn: Why not? I've been awful to you.
Rachel: That was before you knew what it was like to be me; an outsider. More people are gonna start finding out about this, and you're gonna need friends who can relate.
Quinn: How can you relate to what I'm going through?
Rachel: You don't think people whisper about me in the lunchrooms or draw pornographic pictures of me on the bathroom walls?
Quinn: That was me, actually.
Rachel: Look, I don't agree with the choice you're making, but you're gonna need Glee. You have seven months of your youth left. You should enjoy it. And let's face it, in a of couple months, that cheerleading uniform isn't gonna fit and we're gonna be all you have left. Just come back to practice. Boys versus girls, it's fun. And we could certainly use your voice right now. You're actually a good singer, Quinn. Occasionally sharp, but that's just because you lack my years of training.
Quinn: I would have tortured you if the roles were reversed, you know.
Rachel: I know.

Azimio: [after Puck and Rachel sing "Need You Now"] The girl with the mohawk had a really nice voice.
Noah: [taking off his guitar] Funny. Yeah, man. That's good.
Will: Hey!
[trying to contain an all-out brawl]
Will: Great first day, right?
Shannon: Awesome.

Burt: Hey! What did you just call him?
Finn: Oh, no, I didn't call him anything. I was just talking to the blanket.
Burt: You use that word, you're talking about him.
Kurt: Relax, dad, I didn't take it that way.
Burt: Yeah, that's because you're 16 and you still assume the best in people. You live a few years, you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people.
[to Finn]
Burt: You use the N word?
Finn: Of course not.
Burt: How about "retard"? You call that nice girl on the Cheerios with Kurt, you call her a retard?
Finn: Becky? No, she's my friend. She's got Down's Syndrome. I'd never call her that, that's cruel.
Burt: But you think it's okay to come in my house and say "faggy"?
Finn: But that's not what I meant.
Burt: I know what you meant! What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age? You know, some kid gets clocked in practice we tell him to stop being such a fag, shake it off. We meant it exactly the way you meant it. That being gay is wrong. That's some kind of punishable offense. I really thought you were different, Finn. You know, I thought that being in Glee Club, and being raised by your mom, meant that you were some, you know, new generation of dude who saw things differently. Who just kinda, you know, came into the world knowing what it's taken me years of struggling to figure out. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry Finn, but you can't, you can't stay here.
Kurt: Dad.
Burt: I love your mom and maybe this is gonna cost me her, but my family comes first. I can't have that kind of poison around.
[turns to Kurt]
Burt: This is our home, Kurt.
[turns back to Finn]
Burt: He is my son. Out in the world you do what you want; not under my roof.

Holly: I'm a terrible teacher.
[before Will can say anything]
Holly: Don't argue with me. I know I am. Today... Mercedes got in trouble for shoving tots up Sue Sylvester's tailpipe, and we were sitting in Sue's office, and Mercedes was looking at me like...
[she pantomimes a look]
Holly: ...and I just... was totally lost.
Will: What did... what did Sue do to her?
Holly: Whatever. I don't know. She, like, suspended her or whatever. Oh! See? God, I do that every time. As soon as things get serious, I retreat. God, I... I didn't used to be like this, you know? I... I... I was... more like you.

April: Can I get you a drink? I just cracked open a fresh box of wine.

Finn: [seeing Rachel with a mouthful of blue teeth] Ahh!
Kurt: Oh, my god!
Rachel: What?
[taking a compact from her purse, she looks at her reflection and covers her mouth in embarrassment]
Rachel: Ah! I don't understand. I floss between classes.
Dr. Carl Howell: Well, sometimes it's genetics.
Artie: [with his own mouth of blue teeth] I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror.
Santana: There you go, blue tooth.
Brittany: [sporting blue teeth, too] I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.

Sue: You need to make a bold move. You suck.
Emma: Excuse me?
Sue: You take weird little strides when you walk, as if you were raised in imperial Japan and someone bound your feet.
Emma: You make a valid point.
Sue: Grow a pair. I'm insulting you. You refuse to stand up for yourself, you're so afraid of confrontation.
Emma: You're right.
Sue: If you want to get better, you need to start communicating your feelings. You need to let Will Schuester know how he's made you feel, and in a public setting, so he can't escape and he won't manipulate you. Trust me, you need to let him have it.

Will: So, Figgins is sick. How does that make you principal?
Sue: Well, through the blackmail of prominent local politicians, I strong-armed some extraordinarily broad clauses into my contract. My first order of business? Destroy the Glee Club.
Will: I... I thought we were friends.
Sue: That got boring.

Emma: You rigged Secret Santa?
Shannon: How? It was my idea.
Sue: Well, you're not the only person at this school who consumes protein powder by the tubful. Remember when I told you I was taking all those science textbooks to an exorcist? Well, that's what we call a diversion.
Emma: You filled your tub with your name only.
Sue: You're a regular Agatha Christie, except even more sexless. See, people, I hate Christmas, but I love presents. Ah, look at this. It's a track suit with a fur-lined hood for the winter months. Thanks, fella.
Will: That was Kurt's idea.
Sue: [he moves to take it back] Ah ah ah, William. These gifts are legally mine. Now, you may or may not be aware of this, but I'm an honorary officer of the Lima Police Department, and if you take my property out of my office, I will pick up that phone and have you arrested for theft.
Will: We are not going to let you steal Christmas, Sue.
Emma: You're not gonna get away with this.
Sue: I think I already have.

Sue: No time for a foursome, ladies. Bus leaves in five.
Quinn: We quit Cheerios!.
Sue: You can't quit Cheerios!. It's blood in, blood out. Now get your sweet little cans on that bus.
Santana: But we still quit.
Sue: You're my stars. If you leave, I have no performance!
Brittany S. Pierce: Sucks for you.

Brody: [to Rachel] Remember what I said when we first met. You're here because you're the best of the best.

Kurt: Could you have a word with Azimio and Karofsky about harassing me without damaging my Gaga outfit?
Finn: Are you serious? Do you know how difficult it is with those guys? They already think we're boyfriends.
Kurt: Let them think what they want. They're Neanderthals. In three years, they'll be cleaning my septic tank.

Rachel: I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend, Finn. I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I just... I've never been this happy before, and I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now that in order for this relationship to work that I have to open up my hands to fly free.
Brittany: Finn can fly?

Finn: Hi. Thank you. Best man... Right, uh... Well, I wanna propose a toast to my mom, who is so awesome. I mean, somehow without one in the house, you taught me what it means to be a man. In Glee Club, uh, whenever two of us got together, we got a nickname. Rachel and I are Finchel. Rachel and Puck were Puckleberry. And today, a new union was formed: Furt.
[the audience laughs]
Finn: You and me, man... we're brothers from another mother. And, quite frankly, no one else has shown me as much as you about what it means to be a man. And over the past few weeks, I've... some stuff's gone down, and I haven't manned up like I should have. From now on, no matter what it's gonna cost me... I've got your back. Okay? Even though it means getting a slushie in the face now and then. You put this wedding together by yourself, Kurt. So as a thank you, I had the Glee Club put together a little number in your honor.
[walks to the table where Kurt sits]
Finn: You're gonna dance this with me, dude.
Kurt: [mouthing] No...
[Finn starts to sing and dance to "Just The Way You Are" with backup from the rest of the Glee Club boys. Many of the guests looks moved and joins them. Finn drags Kurt off his chair, and he looks surprised as he dances with them. Rachel and Mercedes move him towards Finn. The two share a dance and then a hug]

Artie: What's going on?
Brittany S. Pierce: I think I've lost the Christmas spirit. It's Santa. I don't know if I can tell you. I used to think Santa could do anything. If Santa isn't magical, I don't even know if I want to believe anymore. It isn't fair that you can't walk, Artie. I feel so terrible.
Artie: Hey, look at me. I'm fine.

Blaine: [after being kissed by Rachel] Huh... Yep. I'm gay. 100 % gay. Thank you so much for clearing that up for me, Rachel!

Kurt: Look, I get it: family stuff is hard, especially between brothers. I mean, Finn and I are not even real brothers and we pretty much disagree on everything, but I love the big lug and at the end of the day, we're in each other's corners. You only get one brother, Blaine. Don't give up on that.

Roz: Sam Evans? I'm Coach Roz Washington. And you are one strange looking kid. I've never seen lips like that on a white child, and one of your nipples is higher than the other. I bet you've had to overcome a lot with those crooked nipples. Well, I know a thing or two about overcoming. When I was growing up, they said that black folks couldn't swim. But I had a DREAM! that one day I would get to the promised land. So I swam out there and got my forty acres and a pool.
Vinny: Coach Roz was an Olympian.
Roz: That's right. I won this Bronze damn Olympic Medal in Beijing, China for individual synchronized swimming. I bet you didn't even know there was such a thing as individual synchronized swimming. Nod to me if I'm getting trough to you, nod to me!
Sam: [nods]
Roz: I'm gonna say one thing to you, Sam Evans, and I'm only gonna say it once. If you pee in my pool, I will kill you.

Puck: [after enduring a rival footplayer's constant "Yo Mamma" jokes] Hey! I had sex with your mom. No, really... I cleaned your pool, and then had sex with your mom on your bed - nice Star Wars sheets.

Will: What's your favorite songs of all time?
Brittany: "My Headband".

Rory: So, guys, my mama was gonna come visit me for the holidays, but plane tickets are expensive, so this is my first Christmas without my family. I'd like to cheer myself up. I'm dedicating this song to them. And to the King.
Kurt: Jesus?

Sue: So, have you come to gloat?
Will: I, uh... I hear you're pulling out of Nationals, Sue. You know, for some of your girls, that's going to have some really big consequences.
Sue: I'm tired of those kids. I devoted my life to them. And what have I got to show for it?
Will: Five consecutive national championships.
Will: Oh, big deal. I'm alone, William. I don't even like you and I was willing to jump at the chance to be with you. And, you know, for a second, I saw a flash of something. I pictured myself living a normal life. Having someone to come home to every night. And though I completely loathe you, you'd make a great trophy husband. And as you can see by my décor, I love me some trophies.
Will: Sue, I did what I did to you out of anger. I thought destroying you would pull me out of my funk. But... just made things worse.
Sue: So is that an apology?
Will: Yes, it is. And you're not alone, Sue. Your kids need you, so you do have love in your life.
Sue: My kids don't love me. They fear me.
Will: But you love them, Sue.

[the Principal wakes up in bed after Sue spikes his drink]
Sue: So here's what's gonna happen. As of right now, I am reinstated. Or I will tell your wife and the entire congregation of the Cornerstone Bible Way Church of our sexual congress. It's your choice.

Shelby: [watching Vocal Adrenaline rehearse] Yeah, that's better, guys. Take five. And ladies, I don't want to hear about chafing just because you're being forced to wear metal underwear. Not my problem.

Rachel: This script is brilliant, but we're a glee club. We should perform.
Dennis: "Perform" the lines as I wrote them.
Randy: Wait a minute, Dennis. What'd you have in mind?

Jacob: I have several sources reporting Quinn didn't want to leave, but you kicked her out because of the pregnancy scandal.
Sue: Well, Jacob, this is Ohio. And in order to win, my Cheerios need to appeal to that panel of judges. So if I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout, the judges aren't going to be admiring her impeccable form, they are going to be wondering if the centrifugal force is going to make the baby's head start crowning.
[taking his tape recorder]
Sue: Oh, and by the way, all this? Off the record. Probably should have told you that earlier.

Will: Okay, let's talk about casting.
Rachel: Oh, Finn and I will play Brad and Janet.
Artie: And I'll be playing the guy in the wheelchair, right?
Will: That's what I was thinking. And I thought Kurt could play the role of Frank-N-Furter.
Kurt: No. There's no way I'm playing a transvestite in high heels and fishnets and wearing lipstick.
Santana: Why? 'Cause that look was last season?

Finn: Hey, Jesse! What did you order? Scrambled eggs? I mean, I know you usually like them served on people's heads.
Jesse St. James: Quinn, you look stunning. The ghost of Grace Kelly. Let me know if you get tired of your boyfriend stomping on your pretty little feet all night. I'd me more than happy to cut in.

Burt: [to Will] Your Glee Club saved my kid's life. It turns out art can do that, ya know? Whether it's through singing or dancing or painting a freakin' picture.

Kurt: [after he Slushies himself] Someone get me to a day spa, stat!
[the Glee girls rush him into the ladies' room]

Artie: So, let me get this straight. You want to be my girlfriend because... you like the idea of... wheeling me around?
Brittany: I just really want to get you in a stroller.

Noah: All I can say is I didn't steal that soda machine, and if I did, I wasn't alone.
Will: Okay, I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that, because if I did, I'd be down to ten glee club members, which as you probably remember from the rule book is two less what we need to compete at sectionals.
Noah: I'm not big on reading rule books. Well, I'm not big on reading.

Kitty: [to Puck] If you're done dancing like you lost your leg in a motorcycle accident, why don't we go back to my car and have at each other in the backseat?

Will: Little monsters, take a bow. All right! Ladies, Kurt, I am really, really impressed. Siéntate. You know... you know what the best part is? Each one of your costumes shows off a different aspect of your personalities.
Noah: Wait. Where's Rachel? I mean, I only noticed because, like, five minutes have gone by without her saying something totally obnoxious.

Kendra: Your wife is going to be pushing a watermelon out of her boy-howdy in five months! She doesn't need nice!

Finn: Dude, how do you stand that cold tub?
Sam: I'm used to cold showers dating Quinn.

Shannon: [about her crutches] I kicked a fire hydrant when I found out "Ace of Cakes" was canceled.

Brittany: This room looks like the one on that spaceship where I got probed.
Dr. Carl Howell: So, Brittany, you, uh... you have the worst teeth I've ever seen. You have cavities in every single tooth. This has got to be some sort of record.
Brittany: Please don't pull all my teeth. My smile will look like an adult baby butt with boobs.
Dr. Carl Howell: All right, I'm gonna put you under with a little general anestesia. You won't feel a thing.
Brittany: Like roofies?

Quinn: I was pretty sure Artie's legs don't work.
Brittany: Did you get a leg transplant?
Artie: Nope. My teammates can push my chair like a battering ram.
Finn: Yeah, there's no rules against it. We checked.
Artie: And I have Britney Spears to thank.
Brittany: You're welcome.

Artie: It makes sense that Vocal Adrenaline would pay homage. It's a brilliant move. She's a perfect fit for them.
Will: Hold on a second. We might be able to kill two birds with one stone here. We can help Tina find a new look and find a competitive number for regionals. This week, your assignment: Gaga.
[the students all gasp and mutter in excitement]
Rachel: Pens. We need pens. My ideas just come to me.
Will: Uh, my office. Right there.
Rachel: I'm brainstorming. It's coming.

Burt: I'm not really known for having a way with words. Uh... you know, when you're a kid, adults will tell you a lot of things. But one thing they neglect to mention is how... sad life can be. I lost somebody I loved very much. But Kurt, he lost his mom. And that killed me. Well, we got by, but looking back? I... I want to apologize to you, Kurt. What we were living, just... wasn't living. You know that saying that when, uh, God closes a door, he opens a window? Well, sometimes out of nowhere, he'll do you one better and he'll kick a whole wall down. He grabbed me by the shoulders, and he pointed me towards this woman right here. And he said "There she is. Go get her." You're everything, Carole. Words can't describe you. You're everything. And I will love you 'till the day I die.
Carole: Oh, hey... I'm lucky. Most women, when they get married, they get one man. I get two. One of you saved me from my wardrobe, the other one just saved me. Kurt, you are an amazing person. I'm not only getting a son, I'm getting a friend. Finn... I know you were resistant at first, but I am so proud of you. I've watched you grow into a man. But I think I'm most proud that you've become a brother to Kurt. We are four people. Becoming a family.

Rachel: Okay, you know what, Santana? Finn is in great shape and your meanness only highlights your own insecurities.
Santana: Rachel, your mustache is thicker than a Middle Eastern dictator.

Finn: You know what we should do?
Rachel: Elope?
Finn: What?
Rachel: Nothing.

Rachel: Are you sure about this, Noah? I mean, choosing us over the team means you might get a slushie in your face every day.
Noah: Bring it.

Mercedes: Look Rachel, the truth is; you're the best singer we've got.
Kurt: As much that it hurts me to admit it, and it does... shes right. Rachel is our star. If anyone is gonna go belted on the fly, it should be her.
Rachel: Well, I do have something that I've been working on since I was four.

Rachel: An opportunity arose for me to showcase my talents, and I took it. How's that any different from when you quit Glee to form your boy band?
Will: Because I didn't do it out of spite.
Rachel: I'm offended by that accusation. I've always been a team player. Just admit it, Mr. Schue, you don't like me very much.
Will: That's not true. I am your biggest - and sometimes, your only - fan.
Rachel: Look, I know who I am, okay? I know I can be a little abrasive, bossy, and conceited. I'm just hurt that you chose to judge me on that rather than on my talent. I know it sounds awful, but I'm the best one in there. I try the hardest, and I want it the most.
Will: Everyone knows that. And they're scared of it. They all think that they can slack off because you'll pick up their weight. We can't win regionals like that. We need everyone to think that they're a star.

Marley: [to Finn] Can I speak freely?
Finn: Yeah, sure, I'm not your commanding officer or anything. Say whatever you want.
Marley: Dude, you really need to grow a pair.
Finn: Maybe we should go back to you not speaking so freely.

Finn: What's up, A-Rage? Hey, sweet mash-up. You guys were so... energetic.
Rachel: We were just taking a lesson from Major League Baseball. It... it's not cheating if everyone's doing it. We were just leveling out the playing field.
Finn: You really believe that?
Rachel: No. Okay, I... I feel terrible. Even if we win, it's not gonna be satisfying.
Finn: I know. I don't even remember performing. What do you think we should do?
Rachel: I think... the only way to make things right is to just withdraw from the competition. You know, admit that we were wrong and disqualify our respective teams immediately. No one gets to win.
Finn: Cool.
Rachel: I'm sorry about what I said the other day. About calling you contemptible and deplorable.
Finn: Ah, that's all right. I didn't even know what those words meant.
Rachel: What I meant to say is that I guess I get caught up in the competitive hysteria, too. My goals are too selfish. You know, it's time for me to stop competing against everyone and start competing alongside them.

Burt: [walking in on Kurt making out with Brittany] Whoa. Am I interrupting something?
Kurt: You sure are.
Burt: Okay, I'm confused. I came home to find this note on your doorknob: "Do not enter under any circumstances, I'm making out with a girl." I just thought it was the start of one of your murder mystery dinners.
Kurt: Dad, I really need you to accept my privacy. Brittany and I were just, uh, having sexual relations.
Burt: [quietly, as Brittany waves] Hi.
[he gestures to Kurt that he wants to talk privately]
Burt: Kurt, uh... I've been sorta dealing for months with you being gay and everything, and now you're telling me that's not the case?
Kurt: Dad, you and I have more in common than I would have thought. The flannel, the Mellencamp... the ladies.
Burt: Okay, well... you're free to be whoever you are, okay? You just let me know when you make up your mind, I'm gonna do the best I can. But I'm good either way.
[to Brittany]
Burt: Nice to meet you. You kids be careful, all right? And you gotta respect her, all right? If things get serious, use protection.
Brittany S. Pierce: [Burt leaves] Does he mean like a burglar alarm?

April: So, did I sleep with you?
Will: [taken aback] Um... I was a freshman when you were a senior.
April: ...So, did I sleep with you?

Blaine: Brittany S. Pierce in her last term accomplished absolutely nothing except plan a dinosaur-themed prom and ban the use of hair gel. Ladies and gentlemen, telling anyone what they can or can't put in their hair is disgusting. It's tyranny, my friends. Next thing you know, they'll start burning books. And then they'll probably start burning people, too.
Brittany S. Pierce: That's a lie.

Artie: But we don't want to go to sectionals without you.
Will: It's without me or not at all. Look, I was the one who slept on the mattress, which means I accepted them, not you. Which means I'm disqualified from competition, not you guys.
Noah: He's taking the bullet for us. Solid.
Will: We have worked too hard for you guys not to get your shot.
Finn: We can't do this without you, Mr. Schue. Hell, we probably can't do it with you.
Will: That's not true. You guys are good. You're really good. You did "Jump" for that commerical without me, right? Look, the best teachers don't give you the answers. They just point the way and let you make your own choices. Your own mistakes. That way, you get all the glory. And you deserve it. Look, if... if you can't win without me there, then I haven't done my job.
Rachel: We're really sorry, Mr. Schue.
Will: I know. I want you guys to go get gussied up and take that Glee Club photo with pride. I want to see a smile on every one of your faces.

Santana: [On Kurt not wanting a duet partner] How can you do a duet with yourself? That's like, vocal masturbation, or something.

Rory: Sam, I was wondering if you'd like to be my Valentine's Day sponsor as well. I mean, you did such a good job being a Christmas sponsor, I figured you'd have no problem helping me land a snog or two by February.
Sam: Deal, but you have to help me learn to perfect my Sean Connery. I'm telling you, impressions are the best way to get a chick.

Finn: What up, Grilled Cheesus? I need to ask you for something. I didn't go to Sunday school, so I don't know if God works the same as a genie and I only get three wishes, but here's the thing. Dating Rachel is... great, but she's kind of a prude, and I'm sort of going crazy. Anyway, her boobs aren't that great, but they're still girl boobs, and I'd really like to touch them. So, Cheesus, considering that I've dedicated a week of my musical life to you, I hope you can see it in your heart to answer my prayers. Amen.

Santana: My first real week in New York and I'm snowbound in Bushwick with a bunch of musical theater queens. It's like Eli Roth decided to make a gay horror movie and this is the scene right before we all eat each other.

Kitty: I don't get it. I prayed really hard about this.
Joe: Maybe God didn't hear you because he was busy helping people with cancer.
Kitty: Shut it, Avatar.

Santana: So, how does it feel to be a free man?
Artie: All I can say is that I don't want a long-term relationship with either of you. Especially Brittany, since I'm not in love with her.
Brittany S. Pierce: Do you guys want to go out to dinner tonight?
Noah: Not really.
Santana: Oh.
Noah: Tell you what. You two show up at Breadstix tomorrow night around 7:00. If we don't find hotter chicks to date tonight, we might show up.
Santana: You are totally cool.
Brittany S. Pierce: Awesome.
[the other girls stare in confusion]
Artie: [Puck rolls him out of the room] I can't believe it. You're a genius.

Principal: I wish to address the rumor that I like to be milked like a cow because my breasts are filled with delicious, wholesome milk. That rumor is untrue.

Sue: ...and, wow, I just lost my train of thought. You have so much margarine in your hair.
Will: OK. First, of all my kids are doing Madonna. She's public domain and there is nothing you can do about it. Secondly, enough with the hair jokes. Oh, by the way, how's the Florence Henderson look working for you? Oh, maybe you should try a new setting on your FLOwbee!
[walking away]
Will: Oh, snap!

Rachel: [learning Finn once slept with Santana] Just tell me if it's true.
Finn: I'm sorry. Okay? I shouldn't have lied to you. I just thought that if I told you the truth, you'd get so mad at me, and you're kind of scary.
Rachel: Don't you see how it's ten times worse now? And why her? I mean, Quinn I'd understand, but her? Do you think she's prettier than me?
Emma: Don't answer that.

Santana: Keep your paws off my man. Clear?
Quinn: Who's your man?
Santana: Don't play stupid, tubbers. Oh, and for the record, asking someone to babysit with you is super '90s.
Quinn: I happen to know that Puck cares about me.
Santana: Oh, wake up! While you two were babysitting, Puck and I were sexting.
Quinn: Sexting?
Santana: Sexy texting. Seriously, what era are you from? While you two were playing house, Puck and I were trading super-hot texts. Why don't you check his cell phone? 'Cause my sexts are too hot to erase.

Will: All right, New Directions, let's give a warm welcome to the newest members of Glee Club.
[overlapping angry shouting]
Mercedes: Oh, hell to the no, Mr. Schue. Are you serious?
Will: Hey! Come on! Guys!
Shannon: Hey!
Finn: Mr. Schue, are you serious? These are the guys that made Kurt transfer.
Rachel: And there's no way that I'm sharing the choir room with a known homophobe.
Will: I don't disagree with you guys. But I talked to Coach Beiste about it, and she and I both agreed that the kind of bullying that David does is born out of ignorance. Having him in here, as difficult as it may be for us, is an opportunity to show him and the rest of the guys that being in Glee Club is kind of cool; find some common ground.

Sebastian: You take care of that Warbler, Kurt.

Rachel: What's the crime rate like in this neighborhood? It looks a little shady.
Kurt: It's better than Detroit and Damascus.

Sue: My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal and yesterday, I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel.
Brittany: That's because I believe in marriage equality for all land mammals.

Will: Well, I genuinely hope you guys are happy, because Coach Beiste has quit.
Finn: Wait, what? That's terrible.
Sam: Yeah, that's not what we want.
Artie: That's the opposite of what we want. The football team was actually winning.
Will: Well, then you'd better but your heads together and find a way to get her back, fast, because I am actually ashamed of you. You really hurt someone who was a great addition to this school.
Rachel: I'm sorry, what exactly did we do?
Finn: No, no. It's us. The boys.
Mike: And Tina.
[everyone turns around and stares]
Finn: We sort of figured out that picturing Beiste while making out was even better than a cold shower.
[seeing Rachel's expression]
Finn: I... I mean, I don't. Ever.
Quinn: [quietly to Sam] Oh, wow. I'm sorry.
Santana: Can I just say that this is what happens when people don't put out? If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team.

Finn: Look, I'm getting to the point in my life where I kind of need to be honest with myself about who I am.
Kurt: And who is that?
Finn: Not you. Not Rachel.
Kurt: That's the point, Finn. There are plenty of us. Trust me. The one thing that Glee Clubs and theater programs don't have is the hot, straight football player who can sing and sort of dance. You're unique, Finn and I can't see this proposal thing as anything else but you giving up on yourself.

[final line]
Will: From the top.

Kurt: [helping Blaine rehearse "Baby, It's Cold Outside"] I think you're ready.
Blaine: Well, for the record, you are much better than that girl's gonna be.

Will: Now, some people think of the term "easy listening" as a bad thing. But I'm going to let this music speak for itself. You guys love Lady Gaga and the Rolling Stones, and you guys are really good about putting it all out there. But really good music can also be controlled and restrained. It doesn't have to attack an audience; it can let them come to you.
Finn: [reading the sheet music] How could get you caught between the moon and New York City? They're, like, a hundred miles apart.

Will: You okay, Quinn?
Quinn: Do I look okay? I'm devastated. Now that I'm off the Cheerios, I'll start every day with a slushie facial.
Will: That's okay if that happens, Quinn. Because there are eleven of your friends right here who are going to be more than happy to help clean you off.

Finn: I only joined the celibacy club to get into Quinn Fabray's pants.

Sam: Brittany, I've always thought you were super hot and really smart, but what I didn't know was that you were going to end up being my soulmate. Who knows what the future holds for us. Probably tsunamis and horrible sea monsters, but I'm not worried about that because I have you.

Kurt: It will give me a great opportunity to break out my Banana Republic Mad Men outfit.

Tina: Goddard on Goddard?
Artie: He was the master of the French New Wave. I was figuring that since I'm never going to become a star as a performer, maybe I could become one behind the camera. Did you know that Christopher Reeve directed a movie after his accident? "In the Gloaming".
Tina: Didn't see it.
Artie: Oh, me neither. Too depressing.
Tina: Is that what you wrote as your dream?
Artie: Before Bryan Ryan crumpled it up and tossed it in the trash? Yes.

Brittany S. Pierce: Wow. Sad songs make me really sad and I don't want to be sad.

Noah: I'm not breaking up with you, I'm just saying please stop supersizing 'cause I don't dig on fat chicks.
Quinn: I'm pregnant!
Noah: And that's my fault?

Sue: If students wish to mourn Finn's passing, they're free to visit the memorial that I erected. I planted a tree in the exact location where I caught Finn and Quinn Fabray fondling each other's breasts.
Will: Come on, Sue.
Shannon: How can you even joke at a time like this?
Sue: Ah, take it easy post-op Michael Chiklis. I'm grieving. And I grieve by insulting those who mean the most to me. It's just a coincidence that's also what I do when I'm not grieving.

Finn: [making up with the Glee Club after an argument] You cool if I take my spot back?
Jacob: Quite. I was just here because I was hoping to get into Rachel's pants.

Artie: Some say Judy was high on pills and booze, but I say she was high on excitement and baby Jesus.

Will: [to Terri] Every time I light a fire in my life, you find a way to make sure it burns the forest down.

Kurt: It's very civilized for you to invite me for coffee before you beat me up for spying.
Wes: We are not going to beat you up.
David: You were such a terrible spy, we thought it was sort of... endearing.
Blaine: Which made me think that spying on us wasn't really the reason you came.
Kurt: Can I ask you guys a question? Are you guys all gay?
[Blaine, Wes, and David all share a laugh]
Blaine: Uh, uh, no. I mean, I am, but these two have girlfriends.
David: This is not a gay school. We just have a zero tolerance harassment policy.
Wes: Everybody gets treated the same, no matter what they are. It's pretty simple.

Will: What the hell were you thinking? You gave drugs to my students?
Terri: I'll say it again. They are over-the-counter, FDA approved. And if I didn't give it to them, I'm sure the kids would just find a way to get them for themselves.
Will: No! No, they wouldn't. These are good kids.
Terri: Nothing bad happened.
Principal: Howard Bamboo got arrested.
[cut to cops tackling Howard in the drugstore]
Terri: Well, that.
Will: Wait. What?
Principal: Pseudophedrine is an ingredient in the manufacturing of methamphetamines. Howard got picked up by the feds on suspicion of running a crystal meth lab.
Terri: I never told Howard to get them all in one place.
Will: Okay, enough, Terri. How are we supposed to raise a baby when I can't trust you to look after a group of teenagers?

April: Stick *that* in your pipe and smoke it.

Dave: Let's go.
Kurt: Yeah, you don't wanna be late for your appointment at Supercuts!
Azimio: Watch your mouth, Hummel!
Dave: And you know what, fancy? You don't need an appointment at Supercuts. They love walk-ins!

Burt: [to Kurt] Look, can I just give you one piece of advice while we're still talking father to son? This is three times I've had to stare death in the eye, and you know the one thing I took away from all that? You have got to love the people you love close to you no matter what.

Kurt: Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.

Santana: I have an awesome gaydar.

Mercedes: Sam just tweeted that I smell good.
Sam: I won't stop 'til it's trending.

Finn: How the hell could you do this?
Quinn: Oh, don't get all up in my face, Finn. What were we supposed to do?
Finn: Uh, quit Cheerios!. Coach Sylvester is awful to you guys. And don't forget who was there for you the last time she dumped you on your ass: us, Glee Club.

Will: We've got one last week to come together and shake things up. If there's anyone here who is not up for trying and working their butts off, you should just get up right now and leave.
[Tina gets up and leaves]
Finn: Whoa, whoa, Tina, where you going?
Tina: You guys don't need me. Carry on.
Rachel: Tina, you don't understand. I need this.
Tina: Because you blew an audition? That's not a reason for you to get a solo at Nationals. Maybe the rest of us would like one, too.
Rory: I wouldn't mind another one before I get deported.
Sugar: I want one even though I can't sing.

Sue: Oh, I just thought I'd stop and say hello, buddy... Boy, the only thing missing from this place is a couple dozen bodies limed and rotting in shallow graves under the floorboards.

Will: I've got to figure out some way to motivate them.
Emma: Okay, well, you, um, you could... oh, what about a sticker board? That's how my parents got me to do chores when I was a kid. Right, so I'd do a chore and then I'd get a star, and then...
Sue: Oh, dear god, please, please... stop talking. I'm trying desperately to ignore the treacly sweet inanity of your asinine conversation, but now I've got bile in my mouth and I will hold my tongue no further. You know what this is?
[holding up her clipboard]
Sue: It's my list of Cheerios. Every week I pick someone at random and I kick 'em out.
Will: Yeah, well, in Glee Club, we do things a little bit differently.
Sue: Oh, yeah, Will? How's that working out for you?

Bryan: I'm here to do an audit of our curriculum, Will. We may need to cut some of our district's art programs.
Principal: It's really just a formality, William.
Bryan: No, it's not. We'll probably cut the glee club.
Will: What? But... but you were in the glee club. Show choir was your life.
Bryan: It was, Will. And after I graduated, I hit the big time. I was a featured soloist at King's Island in "The Dooble-Dee-Doo Musical Revue". We were a smash. Then for three years, I did the cruise ship circuit. But when that dried up, I realized I had been sold a bill of goods. Nine years later, I woke up on a urine-stained matress in the West Lima crack district. Then... something amazing happened. I was introduced to Jesus. He was my Honduran social worker. I straightened up, put down the pipe, met the love of my life, Wilma, and now I run a successful used Hummer dealership. Don't make that face. Global warming's a theory.

Shannon: I've felt like this my whole life. Growing up, I was I was really confused. I thought I was just a tomboy. So, I got into sports, I started coaching football and I wrestled hogs in my free time, but no matter what I did, I never felt at home in my own skin. I never felt like my body fit who I was on the inside. I don't hate being a woman and I don't regret the things I've been through, because they've made me the person I am today. A person strong enough to go through with this transition. I got to do it for my own peace of mind. I got to get my body in alignment with how I see myself.

Rachel: I'm not really a nice person. I'm selfish. The fact is, I'm only really generous if there's something in it for me.
Finn: Yeah, but I still like you.
Rachel: But you, you're so... kind, and open. Well, it's made me wanna be a better person. We have to throw the competition.
Finn: I love Breadstix.
Rachel: No, if we wanna win at Nationals, then Sam has to win this contest. Okay? He has to feel like he belongs and the team has to believe in him.
Finn: Wow, Rachel... I've never seen you like this. I'm kind of impressed.
Rachel: Well, like I said, you inspired me.
Finn: But technically, you're doing this because it'll help us win Nationals, which means there's something in it for you, so it doesn't really count as you doing something nice.

Noah: [lying in the garbage] I'm human garbage. I should just lie here until the truck comes and let it crush me to death. What's the point of living when I suck so bad?
[hears Mercedes sing]
Noah: Wait a second... That black chick from Glee Club used to suck, and now she's all kinds of popular. If she can straighten herself out, I certainly can. But how? I'm not becoming a cheerio. Wait... I don't need to be a cheerleader, I just need to date one! Get ready, black girl from Glee Club whose name I can't remember right now... The Puckster's about to make you his.

Sue: William, I realize you're still mourning the loss of that bony redheaded hominid you're in love with. I understand that. I also understand that you bought a brand new car to impress her. You're flailing, William. Now, I'm secretly hoping it's a mid-life crisis, which means you're halfway to an early death, affording me a blissful, demented convalescence spent peeing on your grave.
Will: What's your point, Sue?
Sue: Don't let your own recklessness blind you to the fact that Britney Spears is a genius pop culture provocateur and a gateway drug to every out-of-control impulse ever created. This school is a powder keg of sexual deviance, William, and in my office, I have a chair with a naked butt sweat stain to prove it. I'm not kidding. It's like an inkblot test, that butt sweat stain. Stare into it, William, and you will see the light of all that is good go out of the world.

Quinn: When my mom applied to college, she put being popular as her main extracurricular activity.

Sue: I hear people say "that's not how I define marriage." Well to them I say "love knows no bounds." Why can't people marry dogs? I'm certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets, I for one think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. So woof, I'm pro-15-Ohio. And that's how Sue... C's it.

Finn: [fed up listening to Will and Sue argue] Enough! I'm sorry, Mr. Schue, Ms. Sylvester, but if we wanted to hear mom and dad fight, those of us who still have two parents would just stay home on payday.

Sue: [after Will smashes her trophy] You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You try to get rid of them, but they keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent.

Finn: [to Jesse] Dude, back off. You're just jealous. Jealous of what we have and what we shared with the entire audience because it was shared between two people who love each other. It was the Superman of kisses! It came with its own cape, right, Rachel?

Tina: Everyone in that room is my family and I didn't want the last thing you guys heard from me is some snarky comment about how I never get solos.

Principal: I'm recommending one month's suspension and summer school to make up for any lost class time.
Will: Can we have a moment alone, please?
[Finn leaves]
Will: You can't do this to him. He was just coming to rehearsal in his costume. That's not a crime.
Principal: Nine children have already signed up for after-school therapy. I had to bring in a grief counselor.
Will: Last year when the Cheerios won the national championship, Santana pantsed Brittany, and she was wearing a lot less than her underwear.

Becky: The glee club's doing Britney Spears for the assembly. I just found out.
Sue: Becky, you're on red alert. If you see any awkward teenage frottage, you perform that citizen's arrest we practiced.

Sebastian: Just think, from now until eternity, every time someone Googles Finn Hudson, they'll be treated to that and dozens just like it. That's the beauty of the Internet. It stays with us forever.
Rachel: What do you want, Sebastian?
Sebastian: I want a guaranteed Regionals win, so I want you to drop out. McKinley gets home-court advantage this year. You're going to come down with Asian bird flu or whatever Tina Blowing-Wang just had.
Rachel: But that is show choir terrorism.

Sam: My art teacher thinks I'm some kind of genius like the ugly guy in "Shine" except with macaroni.

Rachel: My dads went to couples counseling because one of them put up wallpaper in the den without asking the other, and they said it was the only thing that kept them from killing each other.
Emma: Okay.
Rachel: We need your help. That's why I set up this counseling session.
Emma: You're both in Glee. Why don't you sing about it? Right? Aren't there some great songs about betrayal or something? I'm pretty sure there's some Eagles songs.

Finn: What the hell happened?
Kurt: My dad's in the hospital.
Finn: I know. My mom just called me. I feel like I'm the last one to know!
Kurt: Well, I'm sorry, Finn. It didn't occur to me to call you, because he's not your father.
Finn: Yeah, well, he's the closest I'm ever going to get, okay? I know it may not look like what everybody else has, but I thought we were... sort of a family.

Kurt: My first week at NYADA and the most surprising thing about college is it's just like high school. It's all about the cliques. The stage combat majors are the jocks. The classical acting majors are the preps. The ballerinas are the mean girls. And if they're at the top of the social pyramid, then once again, I'm at the bottom.

Will: All right, guys, let's get down to business. First, let's welcome back Noah Puckerman. Puck, I hope your time in juvie has taught you a lesson or two about right and wrong.
Noah: Are you kidding me? I ruled that place. All I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day.
Quinn: [sarcastic] Wow, what a catch. Can't believe I ever let you go.

Will: Where's Ken?
Emma: Um, home, I'd imagine, probably trying to regain some of the pride that I stole from him. He dumped me.
Will: What?
Emma: He said moving the wedding for sectionals was the last straw.
Will: But I thought he understood that... that you were doing this for the kids.
Emma: He understood that... I wasn't doing it for the kids. I was doing it for you.
Will: Emma... I'm so sorry.
Emma: No. Gosh, no, it's not your fault. I... I really messed up. He was absolutely right. I was settling for him. Really, one blink from you, Will, and I would have been out the door.

Rachel: Quinn, I'm so sorry. It was my wedding that you were going to when you got into your car crash and you were answering my text message. And now we're all sitting here and we're talking about this day that's supposed to be the most amazing and unforgettable day of our high school lives, and we're... we're completely ignoring the fact that she's sitting in that chair? It's not right. It's not right and it shouldn't be like this.
Quinn: Well, maybe not, but this is the way it is. My accident, which you did not cause, by the way, does not define me or ruin our senior year. I meant what I said in the choir room. I'm not gonna dwell on this and neither should any of you, okay?
[to Rachel]
Quinn: Come here.
[Rachel stands up and approaches Quinn]
Quinn: Come on.
[chuckles]
Quinn: Come on.
[Rachel slowly gives Quinn a hug]

Sue: Do you believe in God, Jeannie?
Jean: Do you?
Sue: No, I don't.
Jean: Why not?
Sue: Because when we were little girls, you were perfect in my eyes. And I watched the world be cruel to you, so...
Jean: God never makes mistakes. That's what I believe.

Sue: Your delusions of persecution are a telltale sign of early stage paranoid schizophrenia.

Noah: Glee Club is cool.
Dave: Glee Club is most definitely not cool.
Azimio: Clearly we need to reinstate the 10:00 a.m. slushie.

Noah: Do you think I made that Glist? Honestly.
Rachel: Well, it does sound like something that you would do.
Noah: God, I'm so tired of people judging me for a few mistakes I've made. I try to be a good guy. I go to school and I say "Be cool, Puck. Be nice." But by second period, I've got a fire extinguisher in my hands and I'm spraying some dweeb with it and I don't know how I got there.
Rachel: I understand. Yeah. I sit in Glee Club and I watch a couple of imperfect performances and a litany of criticisms just start building up inside of me like a volcano and I keep telling myself to hold it in and then it just comes bursting out. Granted, generally I'm right, but doesn't do much for my reputation.
Noah: It does suck when you do that.
Rachel: So, uh, how do you think we can get people to see us differently?
Noah: I don't know.
Rachel: [he leans in to kiss her, but she pulls back] I can't... I can't do this.
Noah: You know, whoever made that Glist is going to put you at number one when they find out you cheated on that Jesse kid with me. Besides, Jesse will never fully understand what it means to be a Jew.
Rachel: [he leans in again, but she stops him] Noah... I'm ironically turned on by your bad boy image, but I think we should just keep this professional.
Noah: All right, I'm out. Why stay if there's no chance of us making out?

Kurt: We're young, so we got all the time in the world to get adventurous.
Blaine: Don't you think now is the time to be adventurous? While we're still young.

Jesse St. James: What's this? "From Mother to Daughter."
Rachel: Oh, my god. She wrote this. She held this in her hand.
[he takes the cassette]
Rachel: Wh... what are you doing?
Jesse St. James: Playing the tape.
Rachel: No!
Jesse St. James: Why not? She wanted you to hear this.
Rachel: [stammering] I... I... I'm not ready. Look, this is all happening too fast. What if she's singing on the tape? What if she's terrible? Or worse, what if she's better than me?

Emma: Why did you lie to Rachel?
Finn: I didn't want to hurt her.
Rachel: Then why did you do it with her?
Finn: Why are you so caught up with who it was? It doesn't...
Rachel: Was it because she's hot?
Finn: Yeah, sure, she's super hot, but, um, that's...
[he sees Emma nonverbally telling him "no" and trails off]
Rachel: As a therapist, is it productive for me to slap him right now?
Emma: Well, I'm not a therapist, but no. Um... maybe you should storm out.
Rachel: Yeah.
[with a contemptable look, she storms out, leaving Finn alone]
Emma: Is there anything else you want to talk about?

Finn: [to Blaine] I know that you're a big deal at Dalton or whatever, but we don't wear blazers here. So have a seat, I'm trying to have a pep talk here.
Blaine: Didn't you just say something about us not turning against each other?

Finn: What are you doing here? Did you already move in?
Burt: No, your mom invited me. She thought you and I could have a man-to-man.
Finn: Good, you know, 'cause I got a lot to say about this. So...
Burt: Well, I don't, so let me go first. You're pissed, I get it. You know, your dad is a hero; not only to the world for what he did in Desert Storm, but he's a hero to you. No way I can fill his shoes. It's just, you know... I love your mom. She's like this angel that, you know, came down to wake me up after all these years, and I swear to you, I will never hurt her, I will always take care of her. And I can't be your dad, but I will be her hero for as long as she'll take me.

Emma: If we had to rank crush-worthy teachers at this school, you'd be number one with a bullet.

Rachel: [to Sunshine] Where are you going?
Sunshine: To the Philippine Embassy. I'm going to beg them to revoke my visa and deport me back home. That's the only way I'm gonna be able to escape Vocal Adrenaline.
Rachel: Jus... wai... wait. It's because you're good. That's why I hated you. That's why I've sent you to that crack house. I'm sorry, but you have to go out there and sing. You have a gift! Something that Dustin Goolsby would kill for.
Sunshine: I can't. I'm gonna barf all over the stage.
Rachel: If you feel like you're gonna throw up, just look at me and I'll help you through it.
Sunshine: Why? Don't you wanna win?
Rachel: Girls like us have to stick together. I'm hugging you now.
[gives Sunshine a hug]

Finn: Is it true?
Brittany: No, of course not.
Finn: You're not leaving New Directions?
Brittany: Oh. I thought you were talking about Selena Gomez's pregnancy rumors.

Will: When you answer the phone, what do you say?
Mercedes: What up?
Artie: Who this be?
Kurt: No, she's dead. This is her son.

Finn: How did we find the only two girls in high school that won't put out?
Sam: What do you do, though?
Finn: Well, easy. I just think about the opposite of what I'm doing.
[cut to him and Rachel making out; as he's about to climax, he remembers a car crash in his past]
Sam: I've never actually almost killed a civil servant before.
Finn: Well, you have to find something to be your own buzzkill. You know, something that is totally not hot.

Sue: How's your father?
Kurt: They say his condition is critical but stable... Good news, I guess.
Sue: I'm sorry for what you're going through, lady. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I guess I don't have to. I think Mary Lou Retton's, like, an orphan or something. I don't like what Schuester's doing in that classroom even more than usual but I can't go to the school board without an official complaint from a student.
Kurt: So you want me to be your scapegoat? Mm-mmm.
Sue: You don't understand. I know at times I mess around with you guys for fun. I admit it- It aids digestion. But I'm not joking here. I want to be your champion.

Will: Nine months ago, there were five of you in here. And we sucked. I mean, we really sucked. Bad. One day, all of you are going to be gone. And all of this, all of us will be nothing but a hazy memory. It will take you a second to remember everyone's name. Someone will have to remind you of the songs we sung, the solos you got or didn't get. Life only really has one beginning and one end, and the rest is just a whole lot of middle. And I love you guys too much to let you not make the most of it. Now, I was gonna quit once, but you guys brought me back with "Don't Stop Believin'". It was a nine, but we are going to make it a ten.
Rachel: We're doing "Don't Stop" at regionals?
Will: And then some. We are doing a Journey medley. Because who cares what happens when we get there when the getting there has been so much fun?

Finn: Dear Grilled Cheesus... First of all, you're super delicious. Please, Grilled Cheesus, please let us win our first football game. It would mean so much to Artie, and I think you kind of owe it to him. I mean, you sort of screw him in the leg department. And in return, Cheesy Lord, I'll make sure we honor you this week in Glee Club.
[out in the football field, where the football team win the game. Artie scores the game winning touchdown. Finn takes off his helmet, kneels and throws his hands graciously in air]
Finn: THANK YOU, GRILLED CHEESUS!

Will: Principal Figgins, I am begging you. Do not let her do this to those kids.
Sue: William, I resent the implication that I don't play by the rules.
Will: You leaked our set list at sectionals, Sue.
Sue: I have no memory of that.

Will: [after singing "Ice Ice Baby"] This song is officially paroled!

Quinn: [after Karofsky attempts suicide] I feel sorry for Karofsky, but what he did was selfish. He didn't just want to hurt himself. He wanted to hurt everyone around him. I went through the wringer, but I never got to that place.
Kurt: Quinn, please. Sure, you had a baby when you were 16 and you had a bad dye job for two weeks, but seriously? The world never stopped loving you and you're going to Yale. You have no idea what Karofsky was struggling with.
Quinn: You really want to try to compare...
Kurt: The despair, the self-loathing. It doesn't matter.
Quinn: I just can't imagine things getting so messed up that you would consider taking your own life.
Kurt: That is so harsh and reductive. Have some compassion.

Sugar: Sweet 'n' Spicy, here. My superpower is money.

Rachel: Finn's too proud to complain. He feels like he has to be strong for everyone, but I know it's just killing him inside. I hope he realizes that, you know, if he and I were still together, I could make him feel a lot better, you know.
Kurt: Let it go, Rachel.
Rachel: I... I just wish that there was a way that we could help. That's all.
Mercedes: Yeah. And the worst part is how bummed the guys are. I mean, they already suffer enough abuse just being in Glee. I really think winning the game could have eased some of the pressure, at least for a little while.
Blaine: Wait, so the whole team quit?
Mercedes: Everybody not in Glee. I mean, you can't play football with five guys. And one of them is in a wheelchair.
Rachel: Yeah, Coach Beiste put up a sign-up sheet for people to join. I think they'll take anyone at this point.
Blaine: Well, the good news is, you actually only need four more guys. High school regulations actually let you play a couple guys short, if you want to. But if they figure out a way to make it work, you can bet that we'll definitely be there to cheer 'em on.

Sam: Exiling yourself to Dalton won't fix anything.
Blaine: I just want to stop feeling like a bad person.

Mercedes: [Puck and a group of jocks are tossing nerds into a dumpster] Puck, what the hell is going on here?
Noah: Just a little payback. You hear that? That's the sound of order being restored.
Mercedes: No man of mine is gonna be pulling stuff like this.
Noah: Babe, this is what we do. Look at 'em. They need this. Without the fear of a good dumpster toss, it'd be chaos up in this place. Look, you don't need to like it, but you need to accept it: this is the way things are. 'Cause now, we're part of the system. We're at the top of the heap.
[to the line of nerds]
Noah: Who's next?

Artie: Geometry's easy, yo. There's no excuse for a guy as smart as you not to get at least a B.
Noah: I was kind of a jerk to you at Breadstix.
Artie: Whatever. Just pay me back for the pasta.
Noah: Running out without paying was a stupid idea. If I got caught, I'd be screwed.
Artie: You need to start hanging around someone who's a good influence on you, Puck. Give me six weeks. If you don't ace your geometry midterm, I swear I'll buy you all the waffles you can eat.
Noah: That's dope, dude. You got a deal.

Sue: So, I decided to step down as co-head of Glee.
Will: Really?
Sue: Yeah, it's not for me. It's too fruity. I can't stand the sight of kids getting emotional unless it's from physical exhaustion.

Bryan: I did a little research, Sue. Did you know that studies have shown that reading Shakespeare might help kids learn physics? That singing helps you learn pitch, which makes learning a foreign language easier? That when a kid picks up a clarinet or a trumpet, every region of the cerebral cortex is stimulated?
Sue: Well, that's all very interesting, but did you know that a third of American teenagers are obese, and only 2% of high schools require any form of daily physical activity? Where's your outrage about that, Mr. Ryan? Sports teach kids how to work together, teaches problem solving and social skills, it improves attendance, not to mention grades, particularly among those students deemed most at risk.
Bryan: You've done your homework.
Sue: I'm an educator. Now, I realize my methods are unconventional, but my record speaks for itself. Is it a tad over the top to bill the district for skydiving lessons to have the Cheerios parachuted onto the football field? Perhaps. But what I do here makes a difference.
Bryan: Sue, you're an impressive woman. I can't tell you how much you turn me on right now. You ever heard of the term "anger sex"?
Sue: It's the only kind I know, Bryan.
Bryan: I should tell you I'm married.
Sue: Not a problem for me.
Bryan: And I'm still cutting half your budget.
Sue: Eh, you win some, you lose some.
Bryan: Should I lock the door?
Sue: No. Got a secret room upstairs. Like Letterman.

Finn: You heard anything?
Will: Yeah. It's pretty bad. I can't be there.
Finn: And I can? I mean, I can't even be in the same room as her without crying like a girl. I can't look at him without wanting to punch his face off.
Will: Look, I don't have any more pep talks, Finn. You know I know how you feel. But all I know is that... between you and me, I don't think that they can win without you.
Finn: But that's not fair. Why does it always have to come down to me? Why do I always have to be the bigger man?
Will: Because sometimes being special... sucks.
Finn: I just want everything to be like it... like it never happened, you know?
Will: Well, Finn... you can't always get what you want. Listen, I'll be in the choir room.
Finn: [Schue stands to leave] Oh, Mr. Schue, you forgot your keys.
Will: No, I didn't.

Mercedes: Why do we have to go all vanilla on this song? See, what we need is my chocolate thunder.

Rachel: Brittany, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Brittany S. Pierce: No way.
Rachel: Why not?
Brittany S. Pierce: Because I don't want to be in a picture with you. It'll get defaced.
Rachel: No, it won't.
Brittany S. Pierce: Yes, it will. I'll be the one doing it.

Quinn: God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto girls.
[the Cheerios repeat along with Quinn]
Quinn: It's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing.
[the Cheerios dance and grind suggestively]
Quinn: Back it up like a dump truck baby.

Will: You know, Sue, there are a lot of people at this school who dislike you. My kids don't do stuff like this.
Sue: Is that so? Exhibit B.
Will: What's a Glist?
Sue: It's a "Glee List", William. It's a weekly ranking of your glee club, based on a hotness quotient of sexual promiscuity. It was posted all over the school an hour ago. Apparently, you get a point for each act of perpetuated depravity.
Will: What makes you think my kids did this?
Principal: The Glist was made on a library computer using the pass code "gleeclub".
Sue: Your glee club is a petri dish of sexual depravity.
Principal: Sue's right, Will. Why, only last year, a list was posted ranking McKinley's ten ugliest Gingers. And the perpertrator would have been expelled had it not turned out to be a member of the faculty!
Sue: I stand by that list.

Tina: In honor of "Diva Week", let's just cut the crap and keep it real. Tina Cohen-Chang deserves better. I got upstaged yet again by Santana, and she doesn't even go to school here.

Finn: [watching the other Glee Club] Oh man. This is trouble.
Will: Big trouble.

Sugar: Awesome! More back-up for me.
Santana: Okay, you know what? I did not just leave one diva-driven Glee Club to join another, so let me write you a reality check, richy bitch. I've seen what you can do, and what you can do is stand in the back, sway, and sing very, very quietly.
Sugar: I, erm... I just... wanted to be on the winning team for once?
Mercedes: Then turn down the 'tude and you will be.

Jacob: How was your summer?
Santana: My eyes are up here, Jewfro. And it was uneventful.
Brittany S. Pierce: People thought I went on vacation, but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers.

Terri: Come with me, I'm going to show you something really special.
[Terri leads him to a child's room done entirely in pink]
Terri: This is where our daughter or our gay son will sleep. I thought maybe we could put one of those mini pianos in here and you two could put on mini shows for me.
Will: I love it Terri but we still can't afford everything.
Terri: It's my very own Sophie's Choice.

Rachel: Congratulations.
Shelby: Thanks, Rachel.
Rachel: But we beat you today. Jesse's a good singer, but you and I both know he doesn't have much heart. Vocal Adrenaline's best days are behind it. So I... I have a proposition for you. Come teach at McKinley.
Shelby: Excuse me?
Rachel: You and... and Mr. Schuester could be co-directors. We'd be unstoppable. There's so much that you can teach me. So much only you can teach me.
Rachel: Oh, Rachel, I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of coaching glee club. I want a life. It took meeting you to realize all the stuff that I missed out on. I need some balance, you know? I need a house and a garden and a dog, a f... family. I missed out on my chance with you, and it kills me. And I can't let that happen again.
[understanding, Rachel turns to leave]
Shelby: Where's the rest of your team?
Rachel: They're, uh... they're at the hospital. Quinn had her baby.
Shelby: Is she okay?
Rachel: Yeah, she's fine. It was, um... it was a beautiful baby girl.

Dakota: Artie you're cut. You're not trying hard enough.
Artie: At what?
Dakota: At walking.

Finn: Mom, Quinn's parents threw her out. Could she stay here for a couple of days?
Carole: Yeah, of course she can. Honey, you can stay here as long as you want.

Sue: I'm instating a new policy whereby we play Madonna's Greatest Hits over the P.A. system, quite loudly, throughout the entire school day.
Principal: But blasting her delicious hooks would make it impossible for the students to concentrate.
Sue: Ah, who cares? Madonna never finished college. She hopped a cab for the bright lights of New York City with thirty-five bucks in her pocket. And I think we should encourage our pupil to do the same. You say the word, and I will provide you a list of the students I believe should be rounded up and shipped off immediately.
Principal: I am sorry, Sue. This is insanity!
Sue: What you call insanity, I call inspiration. Let me break it down for you. It's been the biggest dream of my career to pay homage to Madonna, the woman most responsible for my take no prisoners demeanor, and my subconcious tendency to always be desperately looking for someone named Susan. And now my Cheerios squad this year finally has the talent to make that dream come true. You will not take that dream from me. Do you not understand the blackmail process and how it works?
[flashback to them in bed, Sue fully clothed]
Sue: [taking a selfie with her camera] Smile.
[back to real time]
Sue: I have your wife's number on speed dial. To recap, you will be playing those Madonna hits throughout the day at an earsplitting volume. Understood?

Rachel: [after Santana leaves in a huff] I'm pretty sure she just stole my comforter.
Kurt: Bitch took my pillow.

Santana: The only straight I am is straight-up bitch.

Finn: You don't need to be a Cheerio! to be cool.
Quinn: Oh, you are so naive. This whole school is about labels.
Finn: Wow. I never realized you were so freakin' weak.
Quinn: Oh. I...
Sam: What did you say?
Finn: All the Cheerios! quit Glee Club.
Sam: So why are you yelling at my girlfriend about it?
Finn: I'm yelling at her 'cause I'm the leader of this team.
Sam: Well, maybe it's time for a change at the top.
Finn: What's that supposed to mean?
Quinn: This is kind of hot, actually.

Geography: What's the Capital of Ohio? Brittany!
Brittany: "O"

Blaine: I didn't drink that much.
Kurt: Are you kidding? You spent the entire night sucking Rachel Berry's face. That, sir, is what we call rock bottom.

Will: Hey, guys. What's this?
Finn: Oh, we're trying to get into the Christmas spirit, Mr. Schue. Christmas is totally my favorite holiday. And check out this awesome tree! I found it on the side of the road. It must have fell off some guy's car.
Will: And the ornaments?
Santana: The guy who lives next door finally killed off his elderly mother. And when they carted him off, they left the house, like, wide open, so... I think she was a holiday hoarder.
Will: Uh... a-and the presents?
Noah: I lifted them from a display at the mall. But don't worry. They're empty.
Will: Guys, look, I appreciate the effort, but this isn't what Christmas is supposed to be like.
Mercedes: For us, is is. This tree is like a mascot for Glee Club. We won sectionals two years in a row, and according to everyone at this school, we still suck.

Dr. Carl Howell: So, Santana, I'm looking at your charts and your x-rays. Your teeth are perfect.
Santana: That's right.
Dr. Carl Howell: Well, I can't just put you under. Anesthesia isn't something to joke about. It's serious.
Santana: Okay, listen, my dad's a doctor. And not a "tooth doctor", a real one. He, like, went to college or something. Which means I have a killer health care plan that pretty much pays for everything. So get up in my grill, 'cause Britts and I wants to get our anesthesia on.
Brittany: That's totally cool.
Dr. Carl Howell: Hmm. Okay, I guess I can give you a super strong bleaching.
Santana: Hmm.
Dr. Carl Howell: Can I turn the radio on?
Santana: [putting their iPod earbuds in their ears] We've got it covered.

Santana: Rachel, you can't just blow past this like nothing ever happened. This is a wake-up call. This is an opportunity for you to take a hard look at the choices that you're making, where your life is heading.

Cassandra: I bet you were a big star back in Iowa.
Rachel: Um, actually, I'm from Ohio.
Cassandra: Ohio? That's even worse. You ever look at a map? Ohio's like a giant turd that Michigan just can't pinch off.

Will: It's happening again. It always starts with a novelty gift.
Emma: I mean, you can't blame her, Will. I mean, if we were going to rank crush-worthy teachers at this school, you'd be number one with a bullet.
[as she realizes what she said, he turns and gives her a strange look]
Emma: Uh... well, I... when did... when did this start with Rachel?
Will: We sang a duet in Glee Club. "Endless Love."
Emma: Okay, in hindsight, that was probably a mistake.

Will: And now, drum roll, Finn. Because I have in my hand our competition for sectionals next month.
[whoops and hollers from the class]
Will: First, the a capella choir from the all-boys private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers.
Santana: Okay, hold up. Like, a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head.
Will: And the other team to beat, the Hipsters, a first-year club from the Warren Township Continuing Education Program. Now, they are a glee club composed entirely of elderly people getting their high school GEDs.
Rachel: Is that legal?
Mercedes: How are we supposed to compete against a bunch of adorable old people?
Noah: Are you kidding? Brittle bones. Give one of those old ladies a good luck pat on the rear, it'll shatter her pelvis.

Finn: What the hell's going on with our parents? How did this happen? When did they even meet each other?
Kurt: Parent-teacher conference night, about a month ago.
[flashback, with Kurt narrating in voiceover]
Kurt: I always accompany my father to those conferences, to act as translator.
Burt: How do you know this is not organic?
Kurt: Because you can see the logo. It's encrusted in the cookie.
Kurt: [v.o] Fate brought them together.
Kurt: [leading Burt over to Carole as she enters] Dad, meet Carole Hudson. Ms. Hudson, my father, Burt Hummel. You both have dead spouses. Maybe you should talk.
Burt: You know, I was just saying to a friend that acid wash is making a comeback.
Carole: Mm. Really. And who said it ever left?
Kurt: [v.o] It was an instant connection.
Finn: [return to real time] That's impossible.
Kurt: When will you learn that nothing is impossible when it comes to love? Haven't you noticed anything different about your mom? New clothes, new makeup, a haircut that doesn't look like it was styled by the Amish? Who do you think "Pretty Woman"ed her up? Has she started selling the furniture yet?
Finn: Yeah, yeah, she just got rid of her old bedroom set. And she tried to sell my dad's chair, but I stopped her. How do you even know that?
Kurt: People our parents' age don't wait around for love to bloom. They know what they want. I guess you and I will be roommates, with mom and dad cohabitating upstairs by midterms.
Finn: No way.
Kurt: Give in to the inevitable, Finn. I want us to decide how to redecorate our room together. That's why I asked you about the swatches. And don't sweat that old chair. I have a lovely chaise picked out.
Finn: Look... look... screw your... your swatches and your... your "chez".
Kurt: Chaise.
Finn: Whatever, okay? Look, I... I like my house. I'm not moving in, and she's not selling that... that damn chair.

Burt: Hey, don't forget, Friday night dinner is 6:00 instead of 7:00 this week. Carole and Finn are coming over, and she has to work the night shift.
Kurt: I... I can't do this Friday. It's sing-along "Sound of Music" at the El Royale theater. It's a once-a-year event.
Burt: And last week, you had to camp out early so you could be first in line for those "Grey's Anatomy" DVDs.
Kurt: Season six, dad.
Burt: Okay, those Friday night dinners are a ritual in our family. One your mom started.
Kurt: I know, but I'm a teenager. Friday nights are kind of important to me. Why are you making me feel guilty about this? I, of all people, know how important the relationship is between you and Carole.
Burt: Those dinners are more than important. They're sacred. Okay, the whole point of having something sacred is that it takes precedence over anything else you got going on.
Kurt: Sing-along "Sound of Music" is sacred to me.
Burt: What, you think I don't know that? Okay, wasn't I the one who bought you that Maria bonnet when you were six? Okay, the point is if you start giving up stuff like Friday night dinners, then you got nothing to hold onto. Okay, let's face it, Kurt. If we don't schedule it, then we don't hang out. If we don't hang out, then our lives, they just go right by each other. And we don't share very much.
Kurt: I'm sorry, but I'm not missing something that I look forward to all year just for another dinner. Maybe we could do it Thursday or something.
Burt: I got to tell you, Kurt. I'm real disappointed in you.

Sam: Brittany, it's December 22. Do you know what this means? We survived the Mayan Apocalypse.
Brittany S. Pierce: We're also married.

Shannon: [yelling at Artie in the locker room] I don't care! If you're on this football team, you'll wear a cup! No exceptions!
Finn: [quietly to Sam] Hey, you never notice that when the Beiste gets all fired up, her underpants go right up her butt?
Shannon: ...down in your groin in that helmet? You think "The Nutcracker'"s just a musical?
Sam: [watching Beiste pull her underwear out of her butt crack] Looks like I found my mailman.
Finn: Yes, you did.

Will: I am very disappointed in you guys.
Finn: Can't believe you narced on us.
Rachel: Don't get mad at me for exposing your laziness. I'm tired of carrying all of your weight. Regionals is in a month, guys.
Will: I'm just trying to understand what's going on here. Finn, why did you stop singing?
Finn: 'Cause you started giving all the male leads to Jesse. It kind of shook my confidence, you know?
Santana: [sighing] Oh, what difference does it make? Everyone knows that my job here is to look hot.
Quinn: My baby hormones are making me moody.
Brittany S. Pierce: There are so many lyrics.
Will: Okay, a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. A glee club is about a myriad of voices coming together as one. All right? This ends now.

Kurt: Hey, dad.
Burt: Hey, that's my boy.
Kurt: You forgot your breakfast. Suzanne Somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide.
Burt: [looking in the bag Kurt hands him] What is this?
Kurt: It's an egg white wrap on a sprouted wheat tortilla, half a grapefruit, and a green drink.
Burt: Where's my ususal breakfast?
Kurt: A Coke and two Slim Jims?
Burt: Yeah. Breakfast of champions.
Kurt: Dad, you are not a kid anymore. You have to start taking care of yourself.
Burt: Well, I guess with enough hot sauce, this will be all right. Thanks.

Brittany: Hi. So, I just want you to know I'm really into you.
Artie: Okay. Sorry, I'm... just a little confused. You've never even made eye contact with me.
Brittany: I know. For a while, I thought you were a robot.

Sue: It's a Britney Spears sex riot.

Terri: I think that I might be able to help you with your problems at school.
Will: Uh, thanks, Terri, but the last time you helped out at school, it didn't go over very well.
Terri: But...
Will: Besides, this is serious. I mean, Sue said she wouldn't rest until she saw me fired.
Terri: Well, all the more reason. You got to do whatever it takes, honey. You got to get down in the gutter if you want to win this.

Brenda: The name is Brenda. Brenda Castle. I just transfered from Fort Wayne. I can't teach in Indiana anymore 'cause I have some "drug problems" that ended up involving some of my "shoot-ins".
[laughing]
Brenda: I saw your video. And you, my friend, are an embarrassment. And that's me talking!

Rachel: Don't use the fact that Jesse and I once had feelings for each other as an excuse for my inevitable win.
Kurt: Correction: you had feelings for him. He made breakfast on your head.

Finn: Dude, relax. This is gonna be fine
Dave: Yeah, of course it is. 'Cause I'm quitting Glee Club.
Shannon: [entering] No, you're not. Fact is, covered in ice and red dye number seven, you guys look more like a team than you ever have out on that field.
Dave: I don't care. I'm out.
Shannon: Then you're off the team.
Dave: No way.
Shannon: Yeah.
Dave: If we all quit, you barely have enough guys to play next week. It's the championship game. You're not gonna throw it away.
Shannon: Try me.

Santana: [to Quinn] You know we always were two ends of the same bitch-goddess spectrum. Maybe that's why we love each other so much and slap each other.

Terri: Beautiful table. Meticulous, really. I guess being crazy has its benefits.
Emma: It's date night. Actually, it was tomorrow, but Will wanted tonight, so I'm surprising him. And I know he keeps a key under the mat.
Terri: You're really loving this, aren't you?
Emma: I take no pleasure in your pain, Terri. But I am enjoying seeing Will get a second chance at happiness, yes.
Terri: Oh, and you're the one to introduce him to this magical new world of bliss? What, you with your three times a day showers and the fact that you can't sleep unless your shoes are all in a row?
Emma: Is there a reason that you're here? 'Cause I'd kind of like you to be gone when Will gets home.
Terri: I just needed to pick up the rest of my Bruckheimer DVDs.
[leaving and returning with "The Jazz Singer"]
Terri: Whose is this?
Emma: That's mine. I got really tired of watching "Con Air" every night. And Will picked "Hello" as our song.
Terri: Oh, you poor girl. Don't bother sleeping with my husband tonight. You're already screwed. "Hello" was our prom song. I mean, I doubt Will remembers. He goes to the market for milk, comes home with a pack of gum.
Emma: You're lying.
Terri: Ask him. Or better yet, go to the library and look it up for yourself in that year's Thunderclap.

Will: [telling Emma of an old schoolgirl crush] It was the world's hottest pepper. She had it shipped from Sinaloa, Mexico.
Emma: Oh, no. Oh, gosh, what happened?
Will: Well, the ambulance arrived just in time. The pepper burned holes in her esophagus, and she was in a medically induced coma for three days. That's why I can't just tell Rachel to back off. These girls are too fragile.
Emma: Wow. Okay. How about this? Why don't you take your own advice? Right? Do what you told the kid to do. If you're... if you're feeling awkward telling Rachel how you feel, then why don't you, um, you know, sing it to her? Let her down gently. And don't wear that tie.

Azimio: Ooh, baby, you can hit me as many times as you want as long as you got that on!
Karofsky: How come all the gay guys always get the hottest chicks?
Finn: You see what I'm talking about? They're personifying you.
Rachel: Objectifying.
Finn: Whatever! Just tell me why it's okay for you to feel safer with me not on the football team, but it... it's not okay for me to feel safer with you in your old reindeer sweater?
Rachel: Look, I see your point. In order for this relationship to work, we can't control each other. So you have my blessing to rejoin the football team, if you can.
Brittany: [nearby, rubbing Jacob Ben Israel's "Jewfro"] It looks like a Jewish cloud.
Jacob: [approaching Finn as Rachel leaves] What do you want for her? I'll give you anything. I'll give you my house. I'll kill my parents and I'll give you my house.
[Finn groans and leaves]
Jacob: [looking at Rachel lustfully] Wanky, wanky!

Brittany: [to Kurt] The poster that you wanted gave me crippling depression.
Kurt: I wanted something toned down!
Santana: This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.

Will: [Rachel's sulking in the stands of the football field] You changed out of your costume.
Rachel: I'm tired of being laughed at.
Will: You're the best kid in there, Rachel. It comes with a price.
Rachel: Look, I know I'm just a sophomore, but I can feel the clock ticking away and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it.
Will: You get great grades. You're a fantastic singer.
Rachel: Everybody hates me.
Will: You think glee club is going to change that?
Rachel: Being great at something is going to change it. Being part of something special makes you special, right?

Kurt: So, how's Finn? I feel bad. I haven't spoken to him since the wedding.
Rachel: I haven't really talked to him much, either. I found out that he and Santana were romantically involved and he lied to me about it.
Kurt: Wait, you didn't know about that?

Rachel: I don't understand why you're doing this.
Jesse St. James: Because when you love something, you've got to go for it. You'd never be with me completely if I was on the opposing team and I care about you more than winning another national title. So I left Vocal Adrenaline for you.

Mercedes: Hi, church.
[the congregation choruses "hi" back]
Mercedes: I have a favor to ask you guys. My friend Kurt Hummel's dad is in the hospital. And it's pretty bad. And I know we have all of our own worries and troubles, but if we could just put them aside and focus on all of our prayers and give them to Burt Hummel, and to my friend Kurt. I know you don't believe in God, and you don't believe in the power of prayer, and that's okay. To each his own. But you've got to believe in something. Something more than you can touch, taste, or see. 'Cause life is too hard to go through it alone, with something to hold onto and without something that's sacred. Anyways, Kurt, this song is for you.

Kurt: It isn't going to be easy. There are going to be days where life just sucks, but you're going to get through this cause I'm going to help you and so is everyone who loves you and accepts you for who you are.

Finn: Are you, like, sleepwalking?
Rachel: You have to be able to sleep to sleepwalk. I am on my third day of antibiotics, and I am not getting any better, which means I'm going to have to have that surgery, which means my life is over.
Finn: Don't you think you're being a little dramatic, I mean, even for you?

Will: We have regionals in a week, and I just wanna make sure that all the dances are what I like to call 'Finnproof'.

Kurt: [about Finn's letterman jacket] Oh, d-don't. Don't donate that. I want it. Seeing him come down the hallway wearing this... It was like Superman had arrived.
[Puts it on]
Kurt: God his arms were long.

Finn: Hey, Santana! Why don't you just come out of the closet? You know, I think I know why you're so good at tearing everybody else down. It's because you're constantly tearing yourself down, because you can't admit to everybody that you're in love with Brittany and she might not love you back. That must hurt, not be able to admit to everyone how you really feel. You know what I think you are? A coward. See you at the mash off.

Mercedes: Yeah, I'm most looking forward to meeting Rachel Berry's children.

Finn: [to Rachel] You and I both know how this thing ends. I don't know how, or when, and I don't care where you're living or what dope you're shacked up with. You're my girlfriend. We are endgame. I know that and you know that.

Will: I had to make a deal with Figgins so he wouldn't kill Glee Club.
Terri: But Will, I'm on my feet four hours a day, three times a week here. Now I have to go home and cook dinner for myself?

Blaine: I love you.
Kurt: [pauses before answering] I love you, too.

Sunshine: Hi, I'm Sunshine Corazon, and I'll be singing "Listen" from the movie "Dreamgirls".
Rachel: [quietly] Broadway show first.
Noah: [the club shushes her] Shut up.

Quinn: Would you please stop talking, you're grossing out my baby.

Will: Competition. Every one of these people or elements was a champion in their own right. But they used competing with each other to make themselves even better.
Kurt: I don't understand how lightning is in competition with an above-ground swimming pool.
Will: Just go with it. You guys have become complacent. You were great at the invitational, but you got to up your game if you want get through to sectionals. Okay, split up. Guys on the left side, girls on the right side.
[nobody moves]
Will: Let's go, come on.
[the two groups separate]
Will: All right.
[Kurt moves to join the girls]
Will: Kurt?
[he nods towards the boys' group]