The Best How I Met Your Mother, Season 8, Episode 20 Quotes

Ted: You're saying it's doomed completely, one of us is just guaranteed to get sick of the other and call it quits?
Coat: You've been dating for a long time, Ted. Has it ever gone any other way?

Barney: It's gonna be legen... wait 20 years for it!...
Twenty: ...dary!
Barney: Legendary!

Robin: [about a dance-off] Marshall it doesn't matter. Cause you'd lose anyway and you know why? Cause I'm Sparkles bitch!
Marshall: Oh and you think you can step up to me? You think you could step up to the streets? To me? You think you could step up, over me, to the streets?

Ted: Hi. I'm Ted Mosby. And exactly forty-five days from now, you and I are gonna meet. And we're gonna fall in love. And we're gonna get married, and... we're gonna have two kids. And we're gonna love them and each other so much. All that is forty-five days away. But I'm here now, I guess, because I want those extra forty-five days. With you, I want each one of them. Look, and if I can't have them, I'll take the forty-five seconds before your boyfriend shows up and punches me in the face, because... I love you. I'm always gonna love you. 'Til the end of my days, and beyond. You'll see.

Twenty: Hey Ted, what's this I hear slash remember about you not wanting to see Robots vs. Wrestlers?

[Ted and Barney have just talked to the versions of them "20 years from now" and are about to go to "Robots vs. Wrestlers," but are stopped by another version of Ted]
Ted: Not so fast. Barney, Ted, 20-Years-From-Now-Barney, 20-Years-From-Now-Ted...
Barney: Who are you?
Ted: I'm 20-Hours-From-Now-Ted. And you bastards aren't going anywhere.

- Please shut up.
- Okay, wait, so you're saying it's doomed completely?
- One of us is just guaranteed to get sick of the other and call it quits?
- You've been dating for a long time, Ted.
- Has it ever gone any other way?

- but back then I could.
- I'd go have a drink with Barney and Robin, watch them fight about their caterer or whatever it was they were fighting about that night.
- But none of those things is the thing I'd do first.
- You know the thing
- I'd do first?

Robin: [Message on bathroom wall] Dear Marshall, I know this is a strange way to apologize, but I'm sorry I let Carl name your drink after me. Why didn't I say something? Gosh, I guess that goes back to my childhood. Did you know that for the two first years of my life, my dad treated me like a cat? Seriously. I wasn't permitted on the furniture, I had to bathe myself, and I was only allowed to poop in a box. Ironic that this all comes out in a bathroom. A place that for so long I yearned to be. This tiled prison that eluded my saddened grasp was a haven. The unreachable. When I finally did demand a bathroom visit, my dad applauded my moxie. And that's the only time my father ever said he was proud of me. Maybe that's why I stole credit for your drink. Maybe that's why I needed to pour my heart out like this. Or maybe I wrote this so you'd be in here long enough for a lady to walk in, causing you to freak out and hide in the stall.
[Some girls walk in the bathroom and Marshall runs into the nearest stall. Robins message continues]
Robin: GOTCHA! Love, Robin - creator of the Robin Scherbatsky

- In-in, like,
- 12 seconds.
- Your skin looks great.
- Thanks.
- And thank you for taking such good care of it.
- Shh.
- That's why.

[last lines]
[Ted, Barney, Twenty-Years-From-Now-Ted, Twenty-Years-From-Now-Barney, Twenty-Hours-From-Now-Ted, Twenty-Minutes-From-Now-Barney performs a choir version of Billy Joel's "The Longest Time"]
Twenty: Okay, guys, I've been waiting twenty years for this. Just like we practiced, no mistakes. Ready? One, two, oh, one, two, three, four!
All: [singing] Oh-oh-oh-oh.
Twenty: For the longest...
All: For the longest time! Oh-oh-oh-oh.
Twenty: For the longest...
All: For the longest time! If you say goodbye to me tonight.
Twenty: Ooh-ooh-ooh!
Barney: There would still be music left to write!
Ted: Dum-dum-dum-dum...
Twenty: Aah-aah-aah-aah!
Barney: What else could I do? I'm so inspired by you.
All: That hasn't happened for the longest time!

Ted: Okay, how about this: we go to Robots vs Wrestlers, but I don't drink too much.
Barney: Interesting...
Twenty: I'm good with that.
Twenty: No, forget it! If Ted doesn't get wasted, there's no way he'll end up making out with that surprisingly realistic-looking female robot!
Ted: Wait, I kiss a female robot?
Twenty: Oh, you do a lot more than that!

- How will you know what people are ordering?
- What's my last name, Marshall?
- It's Carl...
- ...'s Junior.
- Okay, wish me luck, everyone.
- Break a leg...

[repeated line]
Barney: Ted, jus'... jus'... okay?

Robin: [Marshall is bitter because a drink he conceptualized at MacLaren's is named after Robin] It's my usual!
Marshall: Immaterial! If it's gonna be named after anybody, it should be the Marshall Eriksen.
Robin: Sorry, it's the Robin Scherbatsky, read it and weep.
Marshall: So you're gonna Zuckerberg me? Alright, you're Zuckerberging me? It's fine, I'll see you in court, a little court called the dance floor. Dance-off now!
Lily: No, no dancing. Marshall, we've been through this. The doctor said your dancer's hip is worse than ever, you have to lay off dancing for a while.
Marshall: You're killing me, Lily! You're killing me! I'm an adult, you have to let me dance my own battles.

- Oh, hey, it's, uh, Louis, right?
- It's okay.
- It's fine, um...
- I'm in love with your girlfriend, and, uh, we're gonna get married.
- What?
- Yeah.

- if I open my eyes and your bare ass is an inch away from my face again...
- Just open your eyes.
- Ted, I'd like you to meet
- 20-Years-From-Now-Barney.
- 20-Years-From-Now-Barney, you remember Ted.
- 'Sup?