Top 50 Quotes From John Goodman

Louise: Is leaving an option? I, I don't...
Harris: Apparently, leaving is only an option for strangers. If you're family, you're trapped here.
Darlene: Oh, good. You finally get it.
Becky: I trust you, Harris. Then again, I'm not some psycho control freak.
Darlene: Hey, you know what? You got your own kid to screw up now. Stay away from mine.
Dan: Hey, take it down a notch!
Jackie: Hey, don't yell at Becky 'cause you're in over your head in all parts of your life.
Darlene: Oh.
[laughs sarcastically]
Darlene: Hilarious coming from you.
Jackie: No, you know what's hilarious is the person who is sleeping around and neglecting your kids is the one telling everybody else how to live their life.
Darlene: Yeah, have another glass of water, Jackie! Dilute some of that tequila!
Jackie: This isn't tequila talking! This is the truth! You think you're the almighty decision-maker around here? Huh! You think you can replace Roseanne as the Mom of this family? What a joke!
Dan: Jackie, enough!
Darlene: You wanna talk about my Mom? Let's talk about her... 'cause she spent her entire life trying to fix you! And every time she picked you up, you fell down! You know why? 'Cause you're a loser and you were the bane of her existence!
Harris: [Jackie slaps Darlene across the face] Don't you ever touch my Mother!

Nick: Face it, where you're goin', you've already been.

Jonesy: From where I'm sitting, we're dealing with shit that ain't in the manual.

John: What are we here for? What do we do?
Jonesy: Bottom line Hobbes: we catch bad guys, that's our job.

Pops: [to Speed] I admit, I went to Cortega because I was afraid that what happened to Rex was gonna happen to you, and I just couldn't take that. But what I realized at Cortega... was I didn't lose Rex when he crashed. I lost him here. I let him think that a stupid motor company meant more to me than he did. You'll never know how much I regret that mistake. It's enough I'll never make it again. Speed, I understand that every child has to leave home. But I want you to know, that door is always open. You can always come back. 'Cause I love you.

[It is Mike and Sulley's first day working on the Monsters, inc. Scare Floor]
Merv: Wazowski, good luck on your first day!
Mike: Thanks, Merv!
[Mike smiles as other monsters congratulate him as well]
Mike: Thanks, fellas!
[pauses at the line in front of the scare floor that he stepped over as a child at the start of the film]
Sulley: You coming, coach?
Mike: You better believe it.

[Mike and Sulley are working in the mail room at Monsters Inc]
Yeti: Alright, newbies. Quit goofing around. I'll have you know that tampering with the mail is punishable by banishment.
Sulley: Yes Sir.
Mike: We're right on it Mr. Snowman.

Mark: Grandpa Dan, did you ever like a boy?
Dan: No.
Mark: Does it bother you that I do?
Dan: No. I was kind of waiting for you to tell me about it.
Mark: Sorry I took so long.
Dan: Okay, don't let it happen again.

[Kuzco and Pacha are tied to a tree branch floating in a river]
Pacha: Uh-oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on.

Marshall: Leslie Chow stole $21,000,000 from me, on a Tuesday.

[In the human world, Sulley is able to find Mike sitting sadly by the Pond]
Sulley: Psst Mike. Look, I'm sorry I messed up. Now let's get you outta here.
Mike: You were right. They weren't scared of me. I did everything right. I wanted it more than anyone. And I thought... I thought that if I wanted it enough I could show everybody that Mike Wazowski is something special. And I'm just... not.
[brushes his reflection away in the water]
Sulley: Look, Mike, I know how you feel.
Mike: [angrily] Don't do that! Please don't do that! You do not know how I feel!
Sulley: Mike, calm down.
Mike: Monsters like you have everything! You don't have to be good! You can mess up over and over again, and the whole world loves you!
Sulley: Mike!
Mike: You'll never know what it's like to fail, because you were born a Sullivan!
Sulley: Yeah I'm the Sullivan! I'm the Sullivan that flunked every test, the one who got kicked out of the program, the one who was so afraid to let everyone down that I cheated! And I lied!
Sulley: [sighs] Mike, I'll never know how you feel. But you're not the only failure here.

Billy: What the fuck, Sammy?
Nick: What the fuck me? What the fuck, YOU?

Dean: [Sulley tells Dean Hardscrabble and Professor Knight of how he rigged the Scare Simulator] You did what?
Sulley: My team had nothing to do with it. It was all me. I cheated.
Dean: I expect you off campus by tomorrow.
Sulley: [in dismay] Yes ma'am.
Dean: You're a disgrace to this university... and your family name.

Sheriff: [reading a freshly typed piece of paper] Okay, it says: my name is Toonces the cat. My owners, Lyle and Brenda Clark of 32-30 Meadow Lane are being held captive by... martians. He misspelled 'martians'. Get in the car with me and I will drive you to them. Let's roll!

Sulley: I act scary, Mike. But most of the time, I'm terrified.
Mike: How come you never told me that before?
Sulley: Because we weren't friends before.

[Billy and Nick are at their employer's office after the company goes out of business]
Billy: [angry] What the fuck, Sammy!
Nick: What the fuck me? What the fuck you! Who told you could barge into my office without an appointment?
Nick: You closed the company? And then you sent us out on a sale that we really needed and have Bob Williams drop that bomb on us?
Nick: Bob Williams' got a big fuckin' mouth.
Nick: Yeah, he does.
Nick: Look, you weren't gonna get the sale anyway. Nobody wears a watch anymore. They just check their goddamn phones.
Nick: Disagree. Cite your sources.
Billy: The kids, maybe, but there's... there's a broader market.
Nick: Lorraine, what time is it?
Lorraine: [checks the time on her cellphone] 10:26.
Billy: One hip, pioneering secretary does not a cultural trend make.
Nick: She 75 years old. Watches are obsolete and so are the two of you.
Nick: Obsolete? What does that even mean?
Nick: It means everything's computerized now! It's cheaper for a machine to tell these companies what to order than an manufacturer's rep. They don't need us anymore.
Nick: No, people have a deep, mistrust of machines. Have you seen Terminator?
Billy: Yep.
Nick: Or "2"?
Billy: Mmm-hmm
Nick: Or "3" or "4"?
Billy: All of them.
Nick: People wanna deal with people, not terminators.
Nick: People hate people. Times have changed.
Nick: That's so negative.

[On the First Morning in the Oozma Kappa Fraternity home, Mike's lips press against Sulley's hand, and Sulley falls off the bunk after the alarm goes off]
Sulley: What happened?
Mike: Your grubby paw was in my bed!
Sulley: Were you kissing my hand?
Mike: [laughs] No! And what about you with all your shedding?
Sulley: I don't shed.
Mike: Really?
[punches the mattress of the top bunk and Sulley's hair falls everywhere]

Pops: [to Spritle] Get some exercise. You're too pale!

Kuzco: So, you lied to me.
Pacha: I did?
Kuzco: Yeah. You said when the sun hits this ridge just right, these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills and I did not hear any singing.
[takes Kuzcotopia]
Kuzco: So, I'll be building my summer home on a more *magical* hill. Thank you.
Pacha: Heh. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?
Kuzco: No, no, I'm sharp. I'm on it.
[puts the model of Pacha's house back on the hilltop]
Kuzco: Looks like you and your family are stuck on the tuneless hilltop forever, pal.
[Kuzco and Pacha sit in silence]
Pacha: You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.

Louise: Is leaving an option. I-I didn't...
Harris: Apparently, leaving is only an option for strangers. If you're family, you're trapped here.
Darlene: Oh, good. You finally get it.
Becky: I trust you, Harris. Then again, I'm not a psycho control freak.
Darlene: Hey, you know what? You got you're own kid to screw up now. Stay away from mine.
Dan: Hey, take it down a notch!
Jackie: Hey, don't yell at Becky 'cause you're in over your head in all parts of your life!
Darlene: Oh, ha ha ha ha! Hilarious coming from you!
Jackie: No, you know what's hilarious, is the person who was sleeping around and neglecting her kids is the one telling everybody else how to live their life!
Darlene: Yeah, have another glass of water, Jackie! Dilute some of that tequila!
Jackie: This isn't tequila talking! This is the truth! You think you're the almighty decision maker around here? Huh? You think you can replace Roseanne as the Mom of this family? What a joke!
Jackie: Jackie, enough!
Darlene: You want to talk about my Mom? Let's talk about her! 'Cause she spent her entire life trying to fix you and every time she picked you, you fell down! You know why? Because you're a loser and you were the bane of her existence!
Harris: Don't you ever touch my Mother!

Meathook: Alright Satans, we roll out at dawn.
Marge: Where are we going?
Meathook: To the Biker's Jamboree in South Dakota. You'll love it. Mickey Rourke is comin' and we're gonna jump him.
Marge: You know, there's more to life than boozing and roughhousing.
[entire gang looks around at each other, confused]
Marge: Haven't any of you had a dream?
Ramrod: Yeah, I had a dream! I was in this beautiful garden... pounding the crap out of a shopkeeper. Then...
Marge: Noo! I mean the dream of a good job, a loving family, and a home in the suburbs.
Meathook: Aww man, to get all that you'd have to kill live fifty people!
Marge: Noooo, you don't have to kill anyone! Not if you have jobs. And the first step is an eye-catching resume.
Ramrod: Nah, actually it's called résumé.
Meathook: Actually, both are acceptable.

Dean: Mr. Sullivan. I am a seven year old boy...
[Sulley roars before Dean Hardscrabble can finish]
Dean: I wasn't finished.
Sulley: I don't need to know any of that stuff to scare.
Dean: That 'stuff' would've informed you that this particular child is afraid of snakes. So a Roar wouldn't make him scream, it would make him cry, alerting his parents, exposing the monster world, destroying life as we know it. And of course we can't have that. So I cannot recommend that you continue in the Scare Program. Good day.
Sulley: [confused] But I'm a Sullivan.
Dean: Well then, I'm sure your family will be very disappointed.
[Johnny and the Rest of the RORs, having been watching nearby, leave the gallery, taking Sulley's ROR Jacket with him]

John: [as Jonesy and Stanton pull up to the cabin] I know you're here.
[Speaks in ancient Arabic]
John: Haven't you had enough? You made me kill an innocent man, you...
[begins to cry]
John: murdered by brother, come on out you son of a bitch! How much fun can you have, huh?
Lt. Stanton: [Comes out] What? Who are you talking to? I didn't do any of that. I'm just one of the guys sent up here to bring you in. Now, drop the gun, I know you have one.
[Draws his own gun]
Lt. Stanton: You're making me do this, drop the goddamn gun.
Jonesy: [Comes out] Do what he says, Hobbes.
John: He's here too?
[shouts]
John: Lou, Tiff, come on out!
Lt. Stanton: It's just us.
John: [to Jonesy] Jonesy, you know I didn't do any of this.
Lt. Stanton: We both like to believe you, Hobbes. But we gotta bring you in.
Jonesy: Stanton, I'm not sure I can do this.
Lt. Stanton: What the fuck are you talkin' about?
Jonesy: If we get rid of him, we drive his car into the lake, end of story. Why are we up here?
Lt. Stanton: We bring the son of a bitch in, that's why we're up here.If he did it, fine. If he didn't do it, even better. But it's not our job to decide, now drop the goddamn gun.
Jonesy: Put the goddamn gun down.
[Hobbes drops his gun]
Lt. Stanton: [sighs in relief] See, you think of what is gonna happen, then life brings you one more surprise.
Jonesy: Yeah.
[Shoots Stanton in the head and reveals that Jonesy is possessed by Azazel]
Jonesy: Sometimes, it's a big one.

[Meathook punches eggs into a toaster]
Marge: Stop that! If you want some food, I'll be happy to make you some breakfast.
Meathook: I'd kill for some waffles!
Ramrod: He has... Remember that IHOP in Oakland?
[both guys laugh hysterically]

Big: You don't say much my friend, but when you do it's to the point, and I salute you for it.

Jonesy: Everything is a motive. SICKNESS is a motive.

Bob: Well, paint me pink and hang me from the chandelier.

Jerri: Becky, you had a strong reaction when your father said Mark ruined your life.
Becky: Because it's not true.
Dan: Oh, really? You had straight A's. You busted your ass to go to college. And because he didn't want to be alone, he tricked you into moving to Minnesota and throwing that all away.
Becky: I wanted to go.
Dan: You were 17 and in love! You didn't know what you wanted! He promised you'd go to college, and when we sent you the money for you to do that, he took it. He went to mechanic school, and then he dropped out!
Becky: He didn't take it, I gave it to him.
Dan: He should've never accepted it! That money was for you! To be all the things you were meant to be. If he'd let you go to college, you wouldn't be drinking now. And I'm pissed about that. Why the hell aren't you?
Becky: [hesitates] You can't be angry at a dead person.
Jerri: Yes, you can. Whatever you feel is valid.
Becky: I don't wanna be angry at him.
Dan: But you are.
[pause]
Becky: Okay, he shouldn't have taken my college money. And I am... a little angry at him for some of the things he did that screwed up my life.
Dan: A little? Why not a lot?
Becky: Because it's not all his fault.
Dan: Whose fault is it?
Becky: Mine! Because I let him! I was so stupid! I didn't want to drop out and move, I wanted to go college. But I was so afraid to lose him. And then I ended up losing him anyway!
[starts to cry]
Becky: I've wasted so much time. I kept telling myself over and over again that I was going to stop drinking, get back on track. And now I'm so far behind. I'll never catch up.
[Dan walks over and hugs Becky]
Becky: Remember how proud you were when I said I was going to be a doctor?
Dan: Hey, you're my first kid. My beautiful little girl. I've always been proud of you, and never more than now. But then again, look at your competition.

Sulley: [On the Day of the Final Exam] I'm gonna wipe the floor with that little know-it-all.
Johnny: Yes you are.
[Takes Sulley's ROR Jacket]

Trixie: Oh my god, was that a ninja?
Pops: More like a NON-ja. Terrible what passes for a ninja these days.

Marshall: Doug is my insurance. He stays with me. You don't get me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out.
Phil: But, that's insane! We don't even know where the fuck he is!
Marshall: Nobody does, but I figure the Wolf Pack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work.
Alan: Can you take Stu instead?
Stu: Fuck you, Alan!

[Mike notices that his settings on the Scare Simulator had been set to the Lowest Difficult instead of the Highest like the others, which is how he was able to mysteriously make a Record Breaking Scare to successfully beat the RORs in the Final Challenge of the Scare Games]
Mike: [shocked] It's been tampered with.
Sulley: Uh, I don't think you should be messing with that.
Mike: Why are my settings... different?
Sulley: Mike, we should leave.
Mike: Did you do this?
Sulley: Mike...
Mike: [louder] Did you do this?
Sulley: [sighs] Yes I did. But... you don't understand...
Mike: Why? Why did you do this?
Sulley: You know... just in case.
Mike: [angrily] In case of what? You don't think I'm scary. You said you believed in me. But you're just like Hardscrabble, you're just like everyone else!
Sulley: Look, you'll get better and better...
Mike: I'm as scary as you! I'm as scary as anyone!
Sulley: I was just trying to help!
Mike: No! You just wanted to help yourself!
Sulley: Well, what else was I supposed to do? Let the whole team fail because you don't have it?
[offended, Mike storms off. Nearby, their Teammates heard everything, and Squishy sadly places their trophy onto the ground]

Homer: My wife is not a doobie, to be passed around from person to person! I made a sacred vow, on my wedding day, to bogart her for the rest of my life.
Meathook: There's only one way to settle this: you and me, in the Circle of Death.
Marge: Oh, I just swept the Circle of Death.

Pops: That show's in German.
Spritle: Not the monkey parts.

Sulley: [Introducing himself] James P. Sullivan.
Mike: Mike Wazowski.

Dan: [talking to Baby Bev] The morning is the one part of the day you can control before you're buried under the crap avalanche.

[Marshall brings Stu, Phil, and Alan to his villa]
Marshall: Leslie Chow never lived here. You didn't break into his old house, you broke into MY house.
Phil: I don't understand.
Marshall: You didn't get back the gold he stole from me. You got the other half that he didn't.
Stu: Oh, my GOD!
Phil: You mean the half he never had?
Marshall: He's a world-class rat, and you 3 were his accomplices.
Stu: We had no idea!
Phil: We were trying to help you! We thought you'd be happy!
Marshall: [sarcastically] Thank you so much! Thank you for ripping me off! Thank you for desecrating my home! And THANK YOU FOR KILLING MY FUCKING DOGS!
Stu: We didn't kill your dogs! They're just tranquilized.
Marshall: Oh, right. You don't know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out.
Stu: What?
Black: And somebody's gotta pay.
Marshall: He's right.
[points his gun at the Dougs]
Doug: No no no no, NO!
[Marshall shoots Black Doug and his body splashes into the pool]
Marshall: My head of security, couldn't stop 3 fuck-ups and a Chinaman with a pair of wire cutters. Unreal.

Jonesy: If it wasn't for pizza and other fine Italian foods, there would be no happiness.

John: You take any cop on the force, cream or no, ninety-nine percent of the time they're doing their job, aren't they?
Jonesy: Ninety-nine five.
John: Point five. So he or she, cream or no, is doing more good out there every day than any lawyer or stockbroker or president of the United States can ever do in their lifetime. Cops are the chosen people.

Pops: This is abso...
Speed: ...lutely crazy!

Marge: And when you get a job interview, try not to call your employer a punk or a skank.
Meathook: Makes sense.
Ramrod: Ooh, *don't* call him skank.
Meathook: Mrs. Simpson, I killed my pencil.
Marge: Broke. You *broke* your pencil.
Meathook: I... broke him.
Marge: That's right. And what else have we learned?
Ramrod: Oh oh, that violence is wrong.
Marge: Excellent, Ramrod. Civilized people solve their disputes with words.
[Homer jumps in screaming and punching]
Marge: Stop! You don't understand!
[Homer continues, attacking, punching, and throwing people]
Meathook: Marge, what do we do here? Marge, he's using violence.
Marge: Talk to him. Use your words.
Meathook: Homer... Homer... stop. We've given up our violent ways. We just wanna live peacefully... with your wife.
Homer: No! My wife is not a dooby... to be passed around! I took a sacred vow on my wedding day to bogart her forever.
Marge: Oooooh, Homey.
Meathook: There's only one reasonable way to settle this... you and me, in the circle of death.
Marge: Ooooh, I just swept the circle of death.

Nick: Luckily, I saw this coming, cashed out my retirement, bought a condo in Miami Beach, new tits for the wife. Silicone. It's legal again.

Sulley: You don't need to study scaring, you just do it.

Pops: [to Speed] God, you sound like Rex! You wanna die like him, too? Will that make you happy?

Sulley: [to Mike, as he leaves the Campus] You're not scary. Not even a little bit. But you are fearless, and if Dean Hardscrabble can't see that, then she can just...
Dean: [Interrupting] I can just... what? Careful, Mister Sullivan, I was just starting to warm up to you.
Sulley: ...sorry.

Mike: Um, h... hello? Fellas?
[as he and Sulley walk down the basement into a candlelit are, where O.K fraternity surround it, wearing black cloaks]
Don: Do you pledge your souls to the Oozma Kappa brotherhood?
Mike: [Terri and Terry hit Mike with a cricket bat] OW!
Terry: Do you swear to keep secret.
Terri: All that you learn here?
Art: No matter how horrifying?
Sulley: [Squishy hits Sulley with cricket bat] Hey!
Squishy: Will take the scared oath of the...
[initiation interrupted by someone, turning on the lights]
Don: For crying out loud.
Ms. Squibbles: Sweetie! Turn the lights on when you're down here. You're going ruin your eyes.
Squishy: MOM, WE'RE DOING AN INITIATION!
Ms. Squibbles: Oh, scary! Well, carry on. Just pretend I'm not here
[turns off half the lights, and walk downstairs to the washing machine]
Squishy: This is my mom's house. Do you promise to look out for your brothers?
[Mrs. Squibbles turns on the laundry dial loudly]
Squishy: No matter what the peril?
[Laundry machine runs noisily]
Squishy: ... WILL YOU DEFEND OOZMA KAPPA? NO MATTER HOW DANGEROUS? NO MATTER HOW INSURMOUNTABLE THE ODDS MAY BE? FROM EVILS BOTH GREAT AND SMALL? IN THE FACE OF UNENDING PAIN AND... OH FORGET IT! You're in.

Nick: Luckily, I saw this coming. Cashed out my retirement, bought a condo in Miami Beach, new tits for the wife. Silicone. It's legal again.
Billy: Wow.
Nick: Saline's out?
Nick: Yeah. Me and the old lady are gonna be tucked away real nice.
Billy: Yeah, great for you, huh? Perfect. So, uh, that's it right? But what about us, Sammy?
Nick: [sighs] You two were great salesmen. The best! But at the end of the day, you're grinders. Foot solders. We all know you'll never be generals. And I'm gonna say something harsh right now.
Billy: Now you're gonna say something harsh?
Nick: Strap it in, boys, 'cause it ain't pretty out there. And you two are dinosaurs. Face it, where you're going... you've already been.
[places two watches for Billy and Nick as gifts for them]
Nick: I thank you for your service.

Sulley: You're wasting your time. We need a new team.
Mike: We can't just 'get a new team'! I checked this morning, it's against the rules.

[Mike hasn't had luck finding someone to join his team to compete in the Scare Games and get back into the Scaring Program]
Greek: This doesn't look good. We really need to move on, your team doesn't Qualify.
Sulley: Yes it does.
[Climbs onto of a nearby vehicle]
Sulley: The star player has just arrived.
Mike: [Surprised] No No No. Please, anybody but him.
Greek: [Losing her Patience] Look, we're shutting down sign ups, OK? Is he on your team or not?
[Mike, aware that he signed up at the Last Minute, knows he hasn't got much a choice, seeing that no-one else is interested in joining his team, and he's really determined to get into the Scare Games to prove Dean Hardscrabble that he and his team really are scary. Sulley points at him and winks]
Mike: Fine. Yes, he's on my team.
[the Crowd starts to cheer, with the Scare Games about to start]

Pacha: Where'd you come from, little guy?
Kuzco: No... touchy.
Pacha: Demon llama!
Kuzco: Demon llama? Where?
[Turns around and sees Misty, a real llama]
Misty: Maaah.
Kuzco: Aaah!