250 Best Futurama Quotes

Calculon: I've been processing this for quite sometime, Monique, will you marry me?
Monique: Oh, Calculon! Yes!
[Calculon fits the ring on Monique's finger]
Monique: It fits! Then you must know I'm...
Calculon: Metric? I've always known, but for you I'm willing to convert.

Captain: Captain's journal. Stardate: uhhh...
Kif: April 13.
Captain: April 13... point two.

Bender: [singing, to the tune of "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain"] Well, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, / Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, / Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun, / Oh, I'll shoot her with my ray gun, / Yes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes, / When she comes! / I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, / I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, / I'll be blastin' all the humans, / I'll be blastin' all the humans, / I'll be blastin' all the humans in the world, / In the world!
[spoken]
Bender: One more time!

Professor: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow, you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
Hermes: Why can't they go today?
Professor: Because tonight's a special night and I want all of you to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors annual symposium.
Fry: Wow, I love symposia!
Professor: It's the event of the scientific season. Every member presents an invention. The best one wins the Academy prize.
Bender: Sounds boring.
Professor: Oh my, yes.

Fry: If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low IQ or an explosive violent temper, of course you're going to be lonely.

Dr. Zoidberg: A fancy dress gala? I'll wear my formal shell.

Leela: [sensually] Pleeease, Big Z!

Fry: We could totally escape, Bender. All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe.
Bender: Hey, yeah.
[He bends open the hatch; the cell fills with steam]
Fry: No good, it's full of steam!

Turanga: You just corralled a bunch of stiffs at the bus station and pocketed our money!
Bender: True. But in the end, isn't that what Valentine's day is really all about?

Craterface: Welcome to Luna Park, I'm Craterface. I'm going to have to confiscate your alcohol, sir.
Bender: Ah, better looking mascots than you have tried.
[sticks bottle in Craterface's eye]
Craterface: At least I still have my self respect.
[laughs, then sobs]

[repeated line]
Professor: Good news everyone!

Professor: [about Hermes' grandmother] Your granny can go to hell!

Leela: If everyone is done being stupid...
Fry: I had more, but go ahead.

Turanga: Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of it, make sure to put them in after you cook it.

[Bender's antenna is affecting the TV reception in his apartment]
Professor: Obviously your thoughts are being transmitted on the same frequency.
Tennant: They're on my cell phone too.
Bender: Madame, I believe you're mistaken
Bender: [voice from cell phone] Wow, that lady's got a huge ass.
Bender: [spoken] Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat-ass.

Fry: So let me get this straight. This planet is completely uninhabited?
Bender: No, it's inhabited by robots.
Fry: Oh, kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited by boxes.

Captain: You look like a woman who appreciates the finer things in life. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread.

Fry: What if I don't wanna be a delivery boy?
Turanga: Then you'll be fired.
Fry: Fine.
Turanga: Out of a cannon, into the sun.

Professor: Now that you're our new employees, I'd like you to have a look at our commercial. I paid to have it aired during the Super Bowl.
Fry: Wow.
Professor: Not on the same channel, of course...

Turanga: I'm not attracted to Bullies.

Bender: Your basic human is between three and twenty-five feet tall, and is mostly composed of an oily goo wrapped in a t-shirt.
Robot: Is it true that they bite you on the neck to drain your transmission fluid, and then you become human yourself?
Bender: Sure, why not?

Fry: Now that you mention it, I do have trouble breathing underwater sometimes. I'll take the gills.
Shady: Yes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need lungs anymore, is right?
Fry: Can't imagine why I would.
Shady: Lie down on table. I take lungs now, gills come next week.

Professor: There's no scientific consensus that life is important.

Hobo: I'm not drunk, I'm Mentally Ill! But I agree with what, what you said.

Professor: Oh, dear. I really ought to do something. But I am already in my pajamas.

Robot: Today we have a special guest, whose irrational hatred of humans makes me look like a human sympathizer.

Robot: That's the 146 thousandth unsuccessful human hunt in a row. But I have a good feeling about tomorrow.

Documentary: The repulsive barge circled the Earth for fifty years, and no country would take it, not even that really filthy country. You know the one I mean.

Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had... you're the first.

Captain: [about the space ship Titanic] I am gonna fly her brains out.

Mom: [TV advert] Mom's oil is made with 10% more love than the next leading brand.
Announcer: [behind the scene] "Mom," "Love" and "Screen Door" are registered trademarks of MomCorp.

Larry: Your motivation is, it's the year 2000 and your head is back in your body, and you want a cheese pizza.
Pamela: All right, but I'm only doing this because I want my head to be taken seriously as an actress.

Fry: This is a cool way to die!

Leela: You guys were totally out of control.
Smitty: It's our job. We're peace officers.

Turanga: Fry, this isn't healthy. You're living in the past.
Fry: I'm rich! I can live whenever I want!
Turanga: But we live here, in the year 3000.
Bender: Yeah! Now, are you gonna come to the squid fights with us or sit here wallowing in your prehistoric junk?
Fry: Junk? Maybe you can't understand this, but I finally found what makes me happy, and it's not friends, it's things.
Bender: I'm a thing.

Fry: Uh... uh, listen Bender, uh... where's your bathroom?
Bender: Bath what?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: What room?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: What, what?
Fry: Ah, never mind.

Hermes: Our water consumption has tripled in the last month. I notice Fry has been here a month, so I'm appointing him head of a commitee to find who's responsible.

[a commercial for Farnsworth's delivery company]
H.G. Blob: Evans! Where's that package from Earth?
Employee: Uh...
[H.G. Blob swallows him whole]
Employee: I'm not Evans!
H.G. Blob: He should've used Planet Express!
Commercial: When those other companies aren't brave or foolhardy enough to go, trust Planet Express for reliable on-time deliveries!
Evans: Here's your package, Mr. Horrible Gelatinous Blob!
H.G. Blob: Good work, Evans! You've got a future around here!
[swallows him whole]
Evans: Thank you, sir!

Fry: [watching a robot beeping on a wedding on the soap opera "All My Circuits"] Is he objecting or backing up?
Amy: Sounds like both.

Robot: Incredible. The human was impervious to our most powerful magnetic field, yet he was destroyed by a harmless pointed stick.

Leela: Look at these guys. Do you have any idea what the average span of their reign was?
Fry: Eighty thousand years?
Leela: No. One week!
Fry: Damn! I knew you wouldn't have asked me unless it was really low or really high.

Mayor C. Randall Poopenmayer: I hope this is not another scientific hoax, like global warming or second-hand smoke.

Bender: Lies, lies and slander!

[the Professor is on the phone]
Professor: Oh how awful. Did he at least die painlessly?
[pause]
Professor: To shreds you say, tsk tsk tsk. Well, how's his wife holding up?
[pause]
Professor: To shreds, you say.

Fry: No, Professor, don't give up. There were plenty of times in my century when I was going to give up, but I never did, never. Hey, are you even listening to me? Oh, I give up.

[Fry drops Nixon, spilling his head on the floor]
Richard: [angry] That's it. You just made my list.

Leela: He's just a nobody who doesn't want to be a delivery boy. I'd rather not force it on him.
Ipgee: Well, too bad, because it's your job, whether you like it or not. And it's my job to make you do your job, whether I like it or not. Which I do. Very much. Now get back to work!
[Leela leaves grumbling]
Ipgee: Life is good.

Fry: I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life.

Humplings: Those are the 93 words we don't say!

[they have found an internet documentary about the garbage ball]
Fry: Wow. In my day, the internet was only used to download porn.
Leela: Actually, that's still the case.
Scientist: Now that the garbage is gone, doctor, perhaps you could help me with my sexual inhibitions.
Scientist: With gusto.
[documentary music]

Bender: This last week with Fry has been great. Beneath his warm, soft exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.

Bender: Hey, look what I won off some tourist's pocket.

Amy: [at a nightclub] Everything is so retro.
Fry: Why is everyone wearing those rings?
Amy: Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore. Rings are stupid.
Fry: I think they're cool.
Amy: Shh! Don't let anyone hear you.
Guy: Hey, did that guy just say that rings are cool?
Amy: No, he said they're stupid.
Guy: Cool!

Fry: Being poor sucks. What kind of world is this where they advertise things not everybody can afford?

Captain: In the game of chess you can never let your adversary see your pieces.

Announcer: Do you remember a time when chocolate chips came fresh from the oven? Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Fry: Ah, those were the days.
Announcer: Do you remember a time when women couldn't vote and certain people weren't allowed on golf courses? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Professor: And what will you be presenting this evening, professor?
Professor: Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place.
Professor: I just hope it's not that lame death clock you presented last year.
Professor: Uh... last year, you say?
Professor: That's right.
Professor: Oh, my. Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place?
Professor: Hardly. We all laughed so hard our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon.
[Wernstrom leaves with his fish]
Professor: Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock.

Amy: [Planet Express is Closing] It's so sad! Where will I go? What will I do?
Butler: There's Mrs Darlinghaven's cotillion at seven.
Amy: That'll be nice...

Leela: Could you guys please stop talking about my personal life?
Professor: Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal life later.

Fry: My God, it's the future. My parents. My co-workers. My girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again.
[pause]
Fry: Yahoo!

Murg: This is Your Majesty's harem. You may choose any of these maidens to be your royal consort.
Fry: Puh, puh, puh... How about that one?
Murg: Oh, I didn't realize Your Majesty was into that sort of thing.
Fry: On second thought, I'll take that one.
Murg: Hey, whatever you say. I'm not here to pass judgement.

Fry: This is my old neighborhood. This brings back so many memories.
Bender: Keep 'em to yourself, pops.

Professor: Would you three by chance be interested in joining my new spaceship crew?
Bender: New crew? Well, what happened to the old crew?
Professor: Oh, those poor sons of bi... But that's not important.

Bender: Well, it was nice meeting you Fry. I'm gonna go kill myself.
Fry: Wait, you're the only friend I have!
Bender: You really want a robot for a friend?
Fry: Yeah, ever since I was six.
Bender: Well, all right, but I don't want anybody thinking we're robosexuals so if anyone asks, you're my debugger.

Fry: Where are we going?
Leela: Nowhere special. The moon.
Fry: The mo - the moon? The moon moon? Wow! I'm going to be a hero, like Neil Armstrong and all those other brave guys no one ever heard of.

Fry: [Knocks on the door before opening it] Hello? Hello? Pizza delivery for um... I.C. Wiener? Aww crud. I would have thought that at this point in my life I would be the one making the prank phone calls.

Leela: Should we really be celebrating? I mean, what if the second ball of garbage returns to Earth like the first one did?
Fry: Who cares? That won't be for hundreds of years.
Professor: Exactly. It's none of our concern.
Fry: That's the twentieth century spirit.

Bender: I hate the people who love me. And they hate me.

[repeated line]
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!

Professor: Eureka!
Fry: Did you build the smellascope ?
Professor: No. It turns out I built one last year.

Fry: I can't believe it! I thought you had some standards. I mean, he's a dumb, gross gorilla.
Leela: Don't you think I feel bad enough already?
Fry: No.

Hermes: Okay, captain, this is just a standard legal release, protecting Planet Express from lawsuits in the event of the unforeseen.
Leela: [reading] "Death by airlock failure... "
Hermes: Mm-hm.
Leela: "... death by brain parasite... "
Hermes: Yah.
Leela: "... death by sonic diarrhea... "
Hermes: Oho, you don't want that.
Leela: Look, I don't know about your previous captains, but I intend to do as little dying as possible.
Hermes: Ohohohohohohoho... Sign the paper.

Professor: That's smell could be anything! A faulty stench coil, some cheese on the lens... who knows?

Amy: You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later on you realize he actually has a really good body.

Bender: We can hide in here. It's free on Tuesdays.

Professor: I give your invention the worst grade imaginable: an A-minus-minus.

Bender: You really want a robot for a friend?
Fry: Yeah, ever since I was six!
Bender: Well, all right. But I don't want anyone to think we're robosexual or anything, so if anyone asks, you're my debugger.

[Amy is trying to retrieve the keys to the spaceship, which have fallen into an arcade crane game]
Bender: Come on, it's just like making love. Y'know... left, down, rotate sixty-two degrees, engage rotor...
Amy: I know how to make love.

Bender: I was telling Fry you were dead so that he would cry out the emperor, but you had to spoil it by surviving.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Ah, to be young again. And also a robot.

Fry: [about Bender's closet] This is huge! Bender, why don't I just live in here?
Bender: In a closet? Oh humans...

Bender: But going through a divorce together, you can't pretend that didn't bring us closer together.

Professor: Wangle a new dangle on life!

[Fry and Leela are taking a ride on the Moon Park]
Moon: The story of lunar exploration started with one man - a man with a dream.
Animatronic: One of these days, Alice. Bang. Zoom. Straight to the moon.
Leela: Wow! I never realized the first astronauts were so fat.
Fry: That's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian! And he was just using space travel as a metaphor for beating his wife.

Professor: Hermes! Don't push that button!
Hermes: [long bureaucratic pause] Okay

Bender: You people are nuts. My antenna never interfered with my old TV.
Leela: You had cable. This is satellite.

[Zapp Brannigan offers Leela some champagne]
Captain: Cham-paggin?
Leela: I didn't realize you were such a "coin-asseur."
Captain: Well, I have studied abroad... or two.

Professor: I was inventing things before you were barely turning senile.

Leela: Our car broke down and we're low on oxygen. Can we borrow some?
Moon: Borry? Listen here, city girl. Oxygen doesn't grow on trees. You'll have to work it off doing chores on my hydroponic farm. You can go back to your precious park at sun-up.
Fry: I guess we can do chores for a few hours.
Leela: Fry, night lasts two weeks on the moon.
Moon: Yep, drops down to minus-173.
Fry: Celsius or Fahrenheit?
Moon: First one, then the other.

Leela: Fry, this stuff was garbage when it was new. Let's blow it up already.
Fry: This junk isn't garbage! I can dig in any random pile and find something great.
[He dives into a pile, comes up chocking from a six-pack ring around his neck; Leela cuts it with a knife]
Fry: All right, let's get to work.

Galaxy: When you do the right thing, people won't know if you've done anything at all.

Fry: Hey, I got everyone magnets.
[puts one on Bender's head]
Bender: Get it off! Get it off! Oh-oh. How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a... Aaoow!
[Fry removes magnet]
Bender: Don't ever do that! Magnets interfer with my inhibition unit.
Fry: So you flip out and start acting like a folk singer?
Bender: Yes. Although a robot would have to be crazy to be a folk singer.

[Fry has woken up 1000 years into the future and met Leela]
Fry: [gasps] Is that blimp accurate?
Leela: Yep. It's December 31st, 2999.
Fry: My god, a million years...

Leela: Please, officers there's no need to use force.
Smitty: Let us handle this weirdie.
Leela: Oh, come on... He's just a poor kid from the stupid ages.
Smitty: Keep your big nose out of this, eyeball...
Leela: No one makes fun of my nose.

Fry: [sees Bender addressing a robot mob] It's him! He's okay.
Bender: Death to humans!
Fry: Ah, it's good to hear his voice.

[Fry has been using the ship engines to dry his hair]
Leela: Fry, what were you thinking? You're getting a huge dose of radiation!
Fry: And great lift.

Elzar: Helmut Spargle? What's he been up to?
Bender: He's dead! His stomach exploded by coincidence after eating a meal I cooked. But the point is, you're his sworn enemy and I am here to avenge him!
Elzar: Okay, but it sounds like you killed him.

Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.
Fry: Well let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.
Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and *say* we dumped it in the sewer.

Dr. Zoidberg: Now open your mouth and lets have a look at that brain.
[Fry opens his mouth]
Dr. Zoidberg: No, no, not that mouth.
Fry: I only have one.
Dr. Zoidberg: Really?
Fry: Uh... is there a human doctor around?
Dr. Zoidberg: Young lady, I am an expert on humans. Now pick a mouth, open it and say "brglgrglgrrr"!
Fry: Uh... brglgrglgrglgrrr!
Dr. Zoidberg: What? My mother was a saint! Get out!

Moon: No one really knows when, where, or how man landed on the moon...
Fry: I do!
Moon: ...but our Fungineers imagine it went something like this.
[Animatronic whalers emerge from a lunar lander]
Animatronic: [singing] We're whalers on the moon.
Animatronic: We carry a harpoon.
Animatronic: But there are no whales, so we tell tall tales and sing a whaling tune.
Fry: That's not how it happened.
Leela: Oh, really? I don't see you with a Fungineering degree.

Leela: We recycle everything. Robots are made out of old beer cans.
Bender: Yeah, and this beer can is made out of old robots.
Leela: And that sandwich your eating is made out of old, discarded sandwiches. Nothing just gets thrown away.
Fry: The future is disgusting!

[repeated line]
Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray!

Turanga: You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood...

Amy: Is this salt water?
Bender: It's salt with water in it, if that's what you mean.
Fry: My vision's fading! I think I'm gonna die!
Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food. The salt level was 10% less than a lethal dose.
Dr. Zoidberg: Uh oh. I shouldn't have had seconds.

Fry: Leela we're trying to watch T.V.
Bender: Yeah, would you kindly shut your noise hole.

Amy: Please, mister. Could you get my keys out of the machine?
Sal: What do I look like? Some guy who's not lazy?

Woman at bar: You're from the 20th century? That's incredible. I'm from the 21st century.
Fry: No way. We've got so much in common.
Woman at bar: We sure do. Remember when those cyborgs enslaved humanity?
Fry: Uh... yeah. That rings a bell.

Leela: I don't get it, Fry. Who was Ted Danson, and why did you bid ten thousand dollars for his skeleton?
Fry: I have an idea for a sitcom.

[Fry is serving pizza with anchovies]
Fry: Ok my friends, get ready for the most delicious extinct animal you've ever tasted.
Amy: I don't know, I've had cow.

Professor: I am already in my pajamas.

Fry: You can't write TV like that! Smart things make people feel stupid!

Fry: Did you build the Smelloscope?
Professor: No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter.
Fry: Smells like strawberries.
Professor: Exactly. And now, Saturn.
Fry: Pine needles. Oh, man, this is great... hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus.
Leela: I don't get it.
Professor: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
Fry: Oh. What's it called now?
Professor: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.
Fry: No, no, I, I think I'll just smell around a bit over here.

Leela: I don't care how many eyes a guy has. As long as it's less than five.

Niblonian: I fear we are cute.
Niblonian: Oh, niggle-snoosh!

Fry: Do you take Visa?
Clerk: Visa hasn't existed for 500 years.
Fry: American Express?
Clerk: 600 years.
Fry: Discover Card?
Clerk: Sorry, we don't take Discover.

Leela: Hurry, before we freeze.
Bender: What do you mean "we", mammal?

Leonard: Welcome to the Head Museum. I'm Leonard Nimoy.
Fry: Spock? Hey, do the thing!
[does Vulcan salute]
Leonard: I don't do that anymore.
Fry: This is unbelievable! What do you heads do all day?
Leonard: We share our wisdom with those who seek it. It's a life of quiet dignity.
Caretaker: Feeding time!
[Caretaker drops food flakes on jar; Nimoy nibbles at them like a goldfish]

Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?

Robot: Be you robot or human?
Leela: Robot, we be.
Fry: Yep, just two robots out roboting it up.
Robot: Administer the test.
Robot: Which of the following would you prefer? A. a puppy; B. a flower from your sweetie; or C. a large, properly formatted data file? Choose!
[Fry and Leela discuss in whispers]
Fry: Is the puppy mechanical in any way?
Robot: No. It is the bad kind of puppy.
Leela: Then we'll go with that data file.
Robot: Correct.
Robot: The flower would have also been acceptable.
Robot: You may pass.

[a commercial for Farnsworth's delivery company]
Horrible: Evans! Where's that package from Earth?
Not: Uh...
[H.G. Blob swallows him whole]
Not: I'm not Evans!
Horrible: He should've used Planet Express!
Commercial: When those other companies aren't brave of foolhardy enough to go, trust Planet Express for reliable on-time deliveries!
Evans: Here's your package, Mr. Horrible Gelatinous Blob!
Horrible: Good work, Evans! You've got a future around here!
[swallows him whole]
Evans: Thank you, sir!

Wendy: At least the nightmare is over.
Robot: It will never be over, Wendy. Even now, humans are lurking in our playgrounds, our breezeways, even in... our movie theaters!
[Movie audience gasps]
Fry: God help us!

[Futurama in-show commercials]
TV: Planet Express - Our crew is replaceable, your package isn't.
TV: Futurama is brought to you by: Glagnar's Human Rinds - It's a buncha, muncha, cruncha... human.
[crunch]
TV: Lightspeed Briefs - Style and comfort for the discriminating crotch.

Dr. Zoidberg: By the way, I took the liberty of fertilizing your caviar.

[Checking out an appartment that looks like an M.C. Escher print]
Leela: Wow, this is fantastic.
Fry: I don't know, I don't want to pay for an extra dimension we're not going to use.

Mayor C. Randall Poopenmayer: Professor Wernstrom, can you save my city?
Professor: Of course, but it'll cost you. First, I'll need tenure.
Mayor C. Randall Poopenmayer: Done.
Professor: And a big research grant.
Mayor C. Randall Poopenmayer: You got it.
Professor: Also, access to a lab, and five graduate students, at least three of them Chinese.
Mayor C. Randall Poopenmayer: All right, done. What's your plan?
Professor: What plan? I'm set for life. Au revoir, suckers!
Leela: That rat! Do something!
Mayor C. Randall Poopenmayer: I wish I could, but he's got tenure.

Fry: W-What are we gonna do?
Leela: I don't know! I don't know! It's not an easy decision. If only I had two or three minutes to think about it.
[the show goes to commercial]

Fry: Can I do the countdown?
Leela: Huh? Oh, sure. Knock yourself out.
Fry: Ten.
[ship takes off]
Fry: Nine.
[ship reaches the moon]
Leela: Okay, we're here.
Fry: [quietly] Eightsevensixfivefourthreetwooneblastoff.

Fry: Look, I don't understand this world, but you obviously do, so I give up. If you really think I should be a delivery boy, then I will.
[he holds out his hand for Leela to implant the occupation chip; instead, she removes hers]
Fry: Your chip. What are you doing?
Leela: Quitting.
Fry: Why?
Leela: Because I've always wanted to. I just never realized it until I met you.

Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.
Fry: Wha?
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.
Dr. Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here.
Fry: So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...
Dr. Zoidberg: Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!

Fry: Now, if you'll excuse me, it's eight o'clock. Time to get biz-zay.
[listens to "Baby Got Back" on his stereo; Leela turns it off]
Leela: Fry, you can't just sit here in the dark and listen to classical music!
Fry: I could've if you didn't turn on the lights and shut off the stereo!

Captain: Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry. Just go... You want the rest of the cham-paggin?
Leela: No, and it's pronounced "cham-pain".
Captain: Oh, God, no!

[after Zapp and Leela have slept together]
Captain: Now you're officially my woman. Kudos! I can't say I don't envy you.

Amy: I don't think you have anything to worry about. These people seem pretty mild-mannered.
Dr. Zoidberg: They are mild. In fact, you're soaking in one right now.
Gorgak: You've touched me in ways I've never been touched before.

Fry: You know the worst thing about being a slave? They make you work, but don't pay you or let you go.
Turanga: That's the only thing about being a slave.

Dr. Zoidberg: Relax, Fry. I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge, separating out the denser fluid of his highness.
Fry: But won't that crush my bones?
Dr. Zoidberg: Oh, right, right, with the bones. I always forget about the bones...

[repeated line]
Bender: Let's go already!

Turanga: I'm sorry you had to see that, Fry, usually I let my sadness fester quietly inside as a Mental Illness.

Fry: [after waking up from a dream] What a weird dream! I'll never get back to sleep...
[Fry goes back to sleep and snores]

Leela: You know Zapp, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realised that inside, you were just a pitiful child. But now I realise that outside that child is a big pompous buffoon!
Captain: And which one rocked your world?

[after escaping a suicide booth, Fry and Bender are in a bar, Bender is telling Fry about his life]
Bender: I'm a bender. I bend girders, that's all I'm programmed to do.
Fry: Were you any good?
Bender: Are you kidding? I was a star. I could bend a girder to any angle. 30 degrees, 32 degrees, you name it. 31... But I couldn't go on living once I found out what the girders were for.
Fry: What for?
Bender: Suicide booths.

Terry: [dramatically] Welcome to the world of tomorrow!
Lou: Do you always have to say it like that?
Terry: Haven't you ever heard of a little thing called showmanship?
[dramatically]
Terry: Come, your destiny awaits!

Captain: Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.

Dr. Zoidberg: I'll have some squid log.
Hot: Sorry, we don't serve that.
Dr. Zoidberg: Fine, then I'll have one of your young on a roll.
Hot: We don't serve rolls.
Dr. Zoidberg: Fine, just give me something crawling with parasites.
[Cut to Zoidberg and the others eating hot dogs]
Fry: At least hot dogs haven't changed.

Leela: That's Zapp Brannigan's ship.
Fry: *The* Zapp Brannigan?
Leela: Uh-huh.
Fry: Who's *the* Zapp Brannigan?

[Bender and Fry in Benders apartment]
Bender: [while sleeping] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all hu...
Fry: [shakes him] Bender wake up.
Bender: I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
Fry: Listen, Bender, uh... where's your bathroom?
Bender: Bath-what?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: What room?
Fry: Bathroom.
Bender: What what?
Fry: Aaah, never mind.
[Bender shuts himself down to sleep, Fry lies on the floor]
Bender: [while sleeping] Hey, sexy mama... Wanna kill all humans?

Leela: Fry you can't spend all your time in the dark listening to classical music.
Fry: I could if you didn't turn the lights on and turn off my stereo.
Leela: Fry this isn't healthy, you're living in the past.
Fry: I'm rich I can live whenever I want!
Leela: But we're your friends and we live here in the year 3000.
Bender: Yeah, now are you going to come to the squid fights with us, or sit here wallowing in your pre-historic junk!
Fry: Junk? Maybe you can't understand this, but i finally found what i need to be happy, and it's not friends, it's things.
Bender: I'm a thing...
Leela: Fry please...
Fry: *Shuts the door on his friends*
Leela: My pony tail is caught in the door!
Fry: I don't need them!

Bender: You're the kind of guy who visits Jerusalem and doesn't want to visit the Sexeteria.

[about Dr. Zoidberg]
Professor: Now Fry, before you go into space you'll need to see our staff doctor. I should warn you though, he's a little... um, unusual
[whispering]
Professor: He wears sandals.

Hermes: Bender, it has come to my attention that this company has been paying you to do nothing but loaf around on the couch.
Bender: You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!

Bender: Stuff like this is too Classy to steal. I made free with it!

Leela: Wait a minute. We know they hate humans, but how do they feel about humanoid aliens?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: They're not fans.

Bartholemew: [Bender finds a Bart Simpson doll] Eat my shorts.
Bender: Okay!
[Eats the doll's shorts]
Bender: Mmmm... shorts...

George: Yes it was me. And I never would have got away with it regardless of you meddling kids.
Fry: And you knew bombing the Stadium would drive people into the Kabuki Theatre!
George: No, that's not why I did it.
Fry: Why then?
George: I'm Mentally Ill!

Amy: My fabulous body! It's ruined! What happened to my parasol?
Fry: I don't know. It wasn't here when I took your umbrella.

Professor: It's time you left science to the 120-year olds.

Professor: Good news, everyone.
Bender: Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that.
Professor: You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol.
Bender: Here it comes.
Professor: A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone.
Bender: Thank you, and good night.
Leela: Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?
Professor: Why of course. It's just a name, like the Death Zone, or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror.

[Fry is with Bender in a suicide booth, thinking it's a telephone booth]
Suicide: Please select mode of death. Quick and painless, or slow and horrible.
Fry: Yes, I'd like to make a collect call.
Suicide: You have selected slow and horrible.
Bender: Good choice.

Leela: We'd be killed instantly if we set foot on the surface, so we need to look and act like robots.
Fry: [robotic voice] I am fully operational.
Leela: We need to move like robots, talk like robots, and if necessary, solve complex differential equations like robots.
Fry: I can sort of dance like a robot.
[does the robot]
Leela: Fry, first of all, this is serious. And second of all...
[does the robot better]

URL: If they try to take off, give 'em an ass full of laser.

[Leela defends Nibbler]
Leela: Leave him alone. It's not his fault that he's an unstoppable killing machine.

Turanga: Do we really need to wear these top hats?
Bender: I don't think you realize how rich he really is. In fact, I should put on a monocle.

Fry: Why would a robot need to drink?
Bender: I don't *need* to drink, I can quit any time I want.

Fry: [yelling] Pizza delivery for...
[normal voice]
Fry: I. C. Weiner. Aww... I always thought by this stage in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls.

Fry: Stop! One more step and I'll breathe fire on you!
Leela: He'll do it! He's crazy.
Orange: Can humans really do that, or did we just made that up?
Blue: I think it was from that movie.
Green: Was that the original or the remake?
Blue: I'm not sure... Hey, they're getting away!

Bender: The fact is, humans are completely harmless.
Blue: We're well aware of that.
Bender: You are?
Blue: Of course. But they're useful to us as a scapegoat to distract the public from their real problem.
Green: Like our crippling lug nut shortage.
Orange: And a corrupt government of incompetent Robot Elders.
Yellow: Duh, that's for sure.
Blue: Quiet, Jimmy.
Bender: Well, I'm glad we got all that out in the open. We'll just let ourselves out.

Leela: Hold still, dammit! I don't have good depth perception

Fry: Look, Leela. I'm sorry. I never should have dragged you out here.
Leela: That's right, you shouldn't have. I still don't get what the big attraction is.
Fry: I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a lot, and nobody liked spending a week with me.
Leela: A week would be a little much.
Fry: The moon was like this awesome, romantic, mysterious thing, hanging up there in the sky where you could never reach it, no matter how much you wanted to. But you're right. Once you're actually here, it's just a big, dull rock. I guess I just wanted you to see it through my eyes, the way I used to.
[the window reflects off Fry's helmet; Leela looks outside and sees a beautiful moonscape with the Earth in the sky]
Leela: Fry, look. It really is beautiful. I don't know why I never noticed it before.

Captain: As my protégé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her.
[Kif groans]
Captain: This time we are sure she's a woman, right?
Kif: *Yes*.

Fry: Hurry up! I wanna get to the moon!
Leela: Relax. It's open 'til nine.

Leela: [Bender is serving first meal on ship and she whispers to the rest of crew] This is Bender's first meal as chef and he's a little sensitive. So let's try and be supportive.
Leela: [Everyone takes a bite and gags] Oh Dear God!

Fry: I've got no home, no family...
Bender: No friends.

Fry: Wow, a real live robot! Or is that just some sort of cheesy New Year's costume?
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!
Fry: Doesn't look so shiny to me.
Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag!

[Fry and Leela meet]
Fry: Can I ask you a question?
Leela: As long as it's not about my eye.
Fry: Uhh...
Leela: Is it about my eye?
Fry: Sort of.
Leela: [sighs] Just ask the question.
Fry: What's with the eye?
Leela: I'm an alien.
Fry: [excited] Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the Earth?
Leela: No, I just work here.

Leela: I could have liked Zapp Brannigan if he wasn't a pompous nit-wit who threw me in prison.
Bender: You really are too picky.

[Fry complains Bender's apartment is too small]
Bender: Not enough room? My place is 2 cubic meters and we only take up 1.5 cubic meters. We've got room for a whole nother 2/3rds of a person.

Rusty: [in movie] Say, Wendy, your chassis is a little scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you?

Captain: Captain's log. Stardate: 3000.6.
Kif: Who are you talking to?
Captain: You, Kif. Aren't you writing this down?

[after Bender has acted very strange when a magnet was placed on his head]
Fry: So you flip out and start acting like some crazy folk-singer?
Bender: Yes,
[stares longingly into the distance]
Bender: I guess a robot would have to be crazy to wanna' be a folk-singer...

Captain: So, crawling back to the big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious.
Leela: Birds don't crawl.
Captain: They'd been known to.

Bender: Admit it, you all think robots are just machines built by humans to make their lives easier.
Fry: Well, aren't they?
Bender: I never made anyone's life easier, and you know it!

Leela: Face it, Fry. Baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie. That's why they jazzed it up.
Fry: Boring? Baseball wasn't... Wait. So they finally jazzed it up.

Professor: Behold, the death clock. Simply jam your finger in the hole, and this readout tells you how long you have to live.
Leela: Does it really work?
Professor: Well, it's occasionally off by a few seconds, what with free will and all.
Fry: Sounds like fun. How long do I have to live?
[sticks his finger in the hole; the professor looks and whistles]
Bender: Ooh! Dibs on his CD player!

Bender: What do you mean "we", flesh-tube?

Fry: Wait a second. You're a bender, right. We could escape if you would just bend the bars.
Bender: Dream on, skintube! I'm only programmed to bend for constructive purposes. What do I look like, a debender?
Fry: Who cares what you're programmed to do? If someone programmed you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?
Bender: I'll have to check my program.
[pause]
Bender: Yep.

Amy: Hey, Bender. Nice new sweater.
Bender: New? What sweater? I came in with this! I don't know you people!

Professor: Wernstrom!
Professor: The very same.

Professor: I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Turanga: Fry, you don't have an artistic bone in your body!
Fry: I'll have you know that I bejazzle my own underpants!

Kif: The jackass wants to see you in his quarters.
Leela: Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain.
Kif: He also requests that you wear this.
[Kif holds up a skimpy costume. Leela ignores it and knocks on Zapp's door]
Captain: [sexily] Come and get it!

Professor: No! I was about to close the deal!
Fry: Bender! They had a backwards time machine!

Fry: Hey, lucky for us Zapp Branigan's nearby!
Leela: No way, forget it. I refuse to go crawling back to him.
Fry: What? What do you mean?
Leela: Nothing. We just talked.
Bender: So? It's not like you slept with him.
[there is a pause. Leela looks at Fry, and Bender, then down to the floor]
Bender: Oh, my God!

Amy: Look, we're not as rich as everybody says.
Leela: [dubiously] Uh huh. What sorority do you belong to?
Amy: Kappa Kappa Wong.

Fry: C'mon Bender, it's up to you to make your own decisions in life. That's what separates people and robots from animals and animal robots.
Bender: You're full of crap, Fry!
[Gets electrocuted]
Bender: You make a persuasive argrument, Fry!

[the car Leela and Fry are on is sinking in quicksand]
Fry: We're gonna die! Every man for himself!
[Tries to escape, but falls into the quicksand]
Fry: Help me, Leela!

Professor: Ah, to be young again... and also a robot.

Fry: [Matrix Parody] When you say the human body is the most efficient thing to use as a battery, wouldn't anything make a better battery? Like a potato? Or a battery?

Fry: What if I don't want to be a delivery boy?
Leela: Then you'll be fired...
Fry: Fine.
Leela: ...out of a cannon, into the sun.

Bender: I like it here. I have wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring.

Bender: From now on, I can bend what I want, when I want, who I want.

Bender: Check out the glowing freaks. It's beautiful.

Amy: Leela's gonna kill me.
Bender: Naw, she'll probably make me do it.

Mom: I felt terrible when I heard about your money troubles. And I thought maybe I could help out a sweet, young man by buying his anchovies.
Fry: Sorry, but the anchovies aren't for sale.
Mom: What? Listen, you little bastard, I control the robot oil business and I won't let you ruin me! How much do you want?
Fry: You might as well put that checkbook away. Because I've discovered something even more important, my friends. And they aren't worth even a penny to me!

Fry: [looking at an empty portrait frame marked Fry's Assassin's Assassin] Well, at least my assassin will get what's coming to him.

Captain: Has my fame preceded me or was I too fast for it?

Fry: [as they board the ship] So long, suckers!
[the robots start piling up on each other, getting closer to our heroes]
Fry: Uh, hello, suckers.

Turanga: So long, jerkwads!

[repeated line]
Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass!

Mayor C. Randall Poopenmayer: And, Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. If not for your 20th century garbage-making skills, we'd all be buried under 20th century garbage.

Fry: My Lord. What is this place?
Bender: The decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, buddy.

[Cut: Fry's Dream. He is in a packed college classroom. An elderly teacher is stands at the front of the room, wearing frosted half-moon glasses and grey hair]
Teacher: Good morning, class. I trust you've all prepared for today's final exam.
Fry: Uh, excuse me? I missed a few lectures. What subject is this?
Teacher: Ancient Egyptian Algebra.
[She points to the blackboard, revealing it is filled with Egyptian hieroglyphs, Fry gasps]
Fry: What a nightmare!
Teacher: Mister Fry, are those your briefs?
[Fry gasps, after looking down to see he is only wearing white briefs, he stands up while the class points and laughs at him, much to his discomfort]

Leela: Dear Captain's diary: I may not have found love on this mission, but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel, and that's just as good.
[tears out page and throws it away]

Bender: [in the year 3000] To the flying machine!

Bender: Where are you going to stay?
Fry: I don't know. Do refrigerators still come in cardboard boxes?
Bender: Yeah, but the rents are outrageous.

Fry: Uh, greetings Moon Man, we come in peace. I am Fry from the planet Earth.
Sal: Wise guy huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd punch you in the stomach.
Fry: But, you are lazy right?
Sal: Oh, don't get me started.

Bender: Oh, sure. Let the robot do all the work.
Leela: Bender, this is the first actual work you have been asked to do.
Bender: Well, I can't do it. It so happens tomorrow is a robot holiday.
Fry: Really? Which one?
Bender: Only Robanukah, the two holiest weeks in the robot calendar.
Leela: Last week it was Robamadan, and the week before that, Robanzaa.
Fry: Man, that one was a blast.
Bender: I was not just a blast. It was a celebration of the accomplishments of my past prototypes, which just happened to take the form of a drinking contest.

Dr. Zoidberg: That stench. That heavenly stench!
[Eats all the anchovies]
Dr. Zoidberg: More. More.
Fry: There aren't any more, and there never will be.
Dr. Zoidberg: [advances menacingly] More! More! More! *More!*

Leela: Professor. We need to talk to you about Fry.
Bender: That's right, we want some money - wait, what's this about Fry?

Fry: You're not gonna believe this, but someone landed an amusement park on the moon!
Amy: Guh! It's the happiest place orbiting Earth.

Professor: Remarkable. A stench so foul it's right off the funkometer. I dare say, Fry may have discovered the smelliest object in the known universe.
Bender: Ooh! Name it after me!

Shady: You want to buy organ? Fresh and cheap, ready for transplant.
Fry: Ooh! What's this?
Shady: Ah! Is X-ray eyes. See through anything.
Fry: Wait a minute! This says Z-ray.
Shady: Z is just as good. In fact, is better. Is two more than X.

Kif: Sir, they're headed straight for us.
Captain: A well calculated move. Straight out of Sun Tzu's classic text, "The Art of War". Or my own master work, "Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War". But the one thing their captain doesn't realize and never will is that...
Kif: Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard.

Tinny: Pardon me, kind Goon...

[after Professor Farnsworth has saved the city, upstaging his old nemesis Dr. Wernstrom]
Mayor C. Randall Poopenmayer: I now present you with the Academy Prize, which was confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a jackass.

Tinny: You raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly, Sir!

Bender: All right! Closure!

Mayor C. Randall Poopenmayer: But garbage is not something you just find lying in the streets of Manhattan.

Fry: That's the saltiest thing I ever tasted, and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt.

Fry: Wow, way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan?
Leela: Uhh... I guess to sit here and wait for death.
Bender: [cheerfully] Can do.

[after being kicked out of a theme park]
Bender: Yeah, well... I'm gonna go build my own theme park, with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the park!

Computer: This is Vergon Six.
Professor: This is Vergon Six.
Amy: Buh...

Fry: Bender! You're blind, stinking sober!
Bender: That's right! I'm sober and crazy, and I don't know what I might do!
Fry: Don't do it!
Bender: I don't know what it is yet!

Leela: So, Fry. Was the real moon anything like the moon you used to dream about?
Fry: Eh. Close enough.

Fry: This can't be happening!
Bender: It can, and for all you know, it is.

URL: I'm gonna get 24th century on his ass.

[to Fry, just after he arrives in the year 2999]
Leela: Well, at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.

Robot Playing Human in Movie: I will eat and digest you all with my system of mighty organs!

[Bender explains why he drinks so much]
Bender: Nah, I'm trying to watch my input. I need plenty of wholesome nutricious alcohol. The chemical energy keeps my fuel cells charged.
Fry: What are the cigars for?
Bender: They make me look cool.

Elzar: Of course the most important ingredient is this little baby right here, the Neptunian slug. You can get it from a can, but to really do things right, you gotta strangle yourself a fresh one.
[he grabs the slug; it starts to grow]
Elzar: This is why you always want to have cast iron cookware.
[starts hitting the slug with a pan]

Leela: We're out of fuel! Bender, I told you to refuel before we left!
Bender: I'll do it when we get back.

Hermes: I'm more hungry than a green snake in a sugar cane field!

Leela: I know you like cooking shows, but you're a robot. You don't even have a sense of taste.
Bender: Honey, I wouldn't talk about taste if I was wearing a lime green tank top.

Captain: Mmm... Welcome to my humble chamber or as I call it, "The Lovenasium".

Professor: Now, now. There'll be plenty of time to discuss your objections when and if you return.

Fry: Hey, whatcha' watchin'?
Bender: [hastily turning off the TV] Uh, nothin'!
Leela: Was that a cooking show?
Bender: No, of course not! It was, uh... porno! Yeah, that's it!
Leela: [turning the TV back on] Bender! I didn't know you liked cooking. That's so cute.
Bender: Aww, it's true. I've been hiding it for so long...
Fry: It's okay Bender, I like cooking too.
Bender: Pansy.

Fry: Look! It's the moon landing site! We found it!
Leela: Fry, get in here.
Fry: It's that flag from MTV, and Neil Armstrong's footprint!
[Puts his foot over Armstrong's footprint, leaving a Nike footprint in its place]
Fry: Hey, my foot's bigger. Leela, isn't this the greatest thing you've ever seen?
Leela: Fry, look around! It's just a crummy plastic flag and a dead man's tracks in the dust. Now get in here before you freeze.

Suicide: You are now dead. Thank you for using Stop and Drop, America's favorite Suicide Booth since 2008.

[Amy wants to take Leela out to cheer her up]
Amy: Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people.
Hermes: The Federal Sex Bureau.
Bender: A saucy puppet show.
Dr. Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale.
Amy: Mmmmm... I'll pick.

Turanga: Good job, Kif!
Kif: [starts crying]

Moon: [about the amusement park] Oooh, that's a wicked, sinful place. Tilt-a-Whirl's okay, but the rest is mighty wicked.

Fry: I can't believe we traveled halfway across the galaxy and enjoyed a good steam just to get lunch for that dumb animal!
Bender: He's pending for a bending!