1000 Best Lucifer Morningstar Quotes
Dan: Diamonds are pretty easy to track. Each one of them has a serial number laser-etched into it.
Lucifer: I usually get them to add crude drawings to the back of mine.
Lucifer: [Elliot's closet is full of crocs] There's only one body part that rubber should be worn on. Not that you'd know.
Lucifer: Have I done something to offend you?
Chloe: Only every time I see you.
Lucifer: [trying to free his hand from Trixie's] Do we have to be touching? Don't you have a leash or something for when you go out?
Trixie: Do you want to sell this or not?
- Something's wrong with you, buddy.
Lucifer: Maybe not the best time to push that particular button.
- Yeah?
- If she's anything like my ex,
- I say let her die.
- Don't kill me!
- Lucifer.
- Don't move.
Lucifer: Detective, you should leave.
- Who are you?
- What are you?
Lucifer: Daniel. Your head is mostly empty.
Dan: [Distracted] Huh?
Lucifer: Exactly.
Lucifer: So the killer dumped the body, hoping the sharks would hide the murder? Should've known we'd smell something fishy.
Ella: Aww, Dad joke, nice.
Lucifer: Thanks. I'm practicing.
[first lines]
Lucifer: [behind woman on building ledge] Go on. Go ahead, jump. You know you want to. Hmm? Trust me, it's a warm welcome.
Young: Won't it hurt?
Lucifer: Oh, there's only one way to find out...
Chloe: She was a drug addict?
Oscar: Don't judge her. A lot of us were.
Lucifer: Oh, I'm not judging. I love drugs. In fact, do you think she might have any lying around?
Lucifer: I can reveal the truth about the Supreme Being you've chosen to impersonate. I bet you wanted to be God because He's benevolent, all-powerful, yada yada. But in actual fact, He's a dick.
Chloe: Dan slept with Charlotte?
Lucifer: Trust me, you're not half as disgusted by that as I am.
Chloe: Is there anyone who hasn't slept with that woman?
Lucifer: Stop hitting me.
Mazikeen: Then explain.
Lucifer: Well, I'd like to, but you have a tendency to get emotional about things.
[She punches him in the face again]
Lucifer: Aah! Case in point.
Lucifer: I decided to make myself useful.
Chloe: You call watching porn on your phone useful?
Lucifer: This isn't my phone, Detective. I think it's our recently departed's.
Chloe: Where did you get this?
Lucifer: Just heard a ringy-ding and followed the noise.
Amenadiel: What's going on here?
Lucifer: Uh, well, Brother, when a man and a woman really care about each other, they do a special cuddle for the cameras, which they sell for money.
Amenadiel: Luci, I know what porn is.
Chloe: Partners to the end. Right?
Lucifer: Partners to the end.
Chloe: We've have an injured groom and a deceased bride.
Lucifer: Oh, they got to that "till death do us part" nonsense quickly, didn't they?
Chloe: The bride suffered a gunshot wound to the chest.
Lucifer: Chest? Shooter didn't go for the head? First rule of zombie killing.
Lucifer: [Trying to get Dan to be more like him] This is where I'd make a clever pun about the underdog.
Chloe: What is going on here? And how did you get that horse?
Lucifer: [from atop a horse] What horse?
Lucifer: Detective, will you go to the prom with me?
Dan: I can feel your negative vibrations from across the room, man.
Lucifer: Well, then you should probably move even further away. I've just given the detective space for the moment. You can give me space forever.
Lucifer: [On the Phone] Candy, darling, I can't talk now. About to catch a killer.
[Killer garottes him from behind]
Lucifer: Gonna have to call you back!
Lieutenant: I've been doing this job for seven episodes now, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's why people kill.
Lucifer: Oh?
Lieutenant: It's 'cause they *yearn* for something. You want to find the killer, figure out their yearning.
Lucifer: Right. Isn't there a better word for that?
Lieutenant: No.
Vincent: I found out later he was a purebred Mastiff, so I started taking him to all the shows. He loves the shows.
Dan: You're not in the competition database.
Lucifer: Daniel, that's my line.
[to Frederick]
Lucifer: You're not in the competition database.
Lucifer: Did Joey steal from you, so you made a brutal example of him? Well, guess what? I love making brutal examples of people.
Lucifer: You came down here to tell me this why? Just to torture me?
[sighs]
Lucifer: I suppose this is the appropriate place for it.
Chloe: Jed, meet Lucifer.
Lucifer: "Jed"?
Jed: Yeah, it's my real name. What's yours?
Lucifer: [Scoffs]
Lucifer: All this time I thought it was Him pulling the strings. I've started to realize that we are the responsible parties. It's quite devious of Him, if you think about it. We've no one to blame but ourselves.
Ella: Screw that. I blame Pierce.
[Looks at the sky]
Ella: And, Big Guy? You and I are on rocky ground.
Lucifer: I am never alone. I'm constantly surrounded by people. You know? I party whenever I desire. My bed never cold.
Linda: Lucifer, being alone and being lonely are two entirely different things.
Lucifer: Are they?
Lucifer: Star Trek? Please, Miss Lopez knows more about that stuff than you ever could.
Ella: [SPEAKING KLINGON]
Lucifer: See? She even speaks Chewbacca.
John: Always a pleasure to see you, Lucy. It's time.
Lucifer: Excuse me, ladies. Seems like you're not only ones who wants a piece of me. See you later. Johnny. I'd like to say it's a pleasure to see on you my Earth outside my club. It's not.
[to Mia]
Lucifer: Hello. Don't believe we've met. Lucifer Morningstar.
Mia: Lucifer Morningstar, as in...
Lucifer: The devil. Yes, exactly. So tell me. What is it you desire?
Mia: I... I, uh... I desire to get my father back.
Lucifer: Daddy issues. Why didn't you say so?
John: Look, we don't know if you have an Oliver Queen on your world, but ours has, uh, shuffled off his mortal coil.
Lucifer: A soul retrieval, blah, blah, blah, the worlds are ending. It's all very Biblical, John. Okay, okay. I'm only doing this 'cause I only owe you for Maz.
John: Yeah, you do.
Lucifer: [to Diggle] You remind me of my brother, by the way - tall, dark, annoyed by me.
John: You gonna help us our not?
Lucifer: Oh, flirt. The devil always sees through on a deal. Take this card. You have a limited time once inside Purgatory, and once the picture complete fades...
John: Our souls will be decimated, blah, blah, blah.
Lucifer: And trapped in eternity forever, so I don't recommend it. Consider us even, John Constan-tine.
John: [chuckles] Constantine.
Lucifer: Is it? I don't care. Always a pleasure doing business with mortals.
Lucifer: Let's speak to the security guard, if only to prove that this Rivers is indeed a con man so I can freely punch him in his smug, mildly handsome face.
Linda: You don't think you deserve any of the blame for what happened with your mother?
Lucifer: No. That's between her and Dad.
Linda: Then whose fault is it?
Lucifer: Well, I suppose none of this would have happened if Amenadiel had been watching over Hell like he was supposed to.
Linda: I thought that was your job.
Lucifer: Well, it was, but when I abdicated, it became his. Sort of like a game of hot potato.
Lucifer: Oh, maybe Dan could do with a vacation. Who do I know in one of those countries where they hunt American tourists for sport?
Chloe: Maybe I'm tired of playing a cop in the movies, you know? Maybe... Maybe I'd like to play detective for real.
Lucifer: What? Hang up the glitz and the glamour for a badge and a naked man with a harpoon?
Chloe: Oh, and by the way, we need to talk.
Lucifer: Four most terrifying words in the English language.
Lucifer: If I cut you exactly in half, would there be two Pierces?
Marcus: No. Only one side would heal. You see, I call it the, the "master molecule" theory...
Lucifer: Yes, yes, Wolverine rules. I get it.
Dan: [Running to catch Beckett, who has stolen Lucifer's car] What, Beckett? Yup. I'm looking right at her.
Chloe: Dan, where are you? You were supposed to be at the precinct hours ago.
Dan: I... uh, yeah. Sorry. Battery.
[Hangs up, Lucifer strolls up]
Dan: What, you couldn't run? I mean, it is your car.
Lucifer: Oh, I'll get it back, unlike your dignity.
Lucifer: Well, we can't punish the innocent. Or even the usually guilty but innocent this one time. It's the principle of the matter.
Lucifer: Will he be coming with you from now on? Because he is killing our banter.
Chloe: Absolutely not, no. Pierce and I only came...
[Realizes what she just said]
Chloe: Drove together just this one time. One time.
Lucifer: Your parents' marriage failed. What exactly was the final nail in the coffin of their relationship?
Nate: Weirdly enough, things got really bad after they went to couple's therapy.
Lucifer: Therapy. Of course.
Mazikeen: I'm always going to be the consolation prize for you. You only care about me when you don't have Chloe.
Lucifer: Maze, now hold on, that's...
Mazikeen: [Crying] NO! No one puts me first, least of all you! None of you deserve me.
Lucifer: Rebranded? Does it come with a new scent? Free toy inside?
Lucifer: Lucifer reaches to touch crotch
Chloe: DONT touch the charred crotch walks away mumbling never thought i would every had to say that without looking shouts DONT
Charlotte: I want my family back.
Lucifer: I'm afraid that's not possible.
Chloe: If there's even the slightest hint that she is unsafe, your duties are revoked.
Lucifer: [scoffs] Right.
Chloe: What?
Lucifer: You said "dooties."
Lucifer: I knew TV writing isn't all hookers and blow like the 80' s, but I had no idea how sad it had got.
Lucifer: What I hate more than anything is a liar, a charlatan, someone who doesn't believe in what they say.
Chloe: Your girlfriend Daria Mitchell was found murdered last night.
Davis: Murdered?
Gisele: Girlfriend? Is there a waitress you haven't slept with?
[Storms off]
Lucifer: My gosh. Is hipster infidelity really more egregious than homicide?
Lucifer: Hello, murderer.
Lucifer: Was your offspring planned or a mistake?
Chloe: Planned, sort of.
Lucifer: Really? 'Cause I've never understood the human desire to procreate.
Chloe: That's probably a good thing.
Lucifer: I mean, children are hideous little creatures, terrible, taxing burdens.
Chloe: Hmm.
Lucifer: Mm. Oh, um, yours is fine. I mean, you know, nothing to crow about, but nothing to be too embarrassed about, either, so that's quite good, isn't it?
Chloe: Are you at all aware of how dickish you sound?
Lucifer: No. Speaking of dicks... why was that ex-husband of yours pressuring you to close the case?
Chloe: No reason.
Lucifer: [trying to use his powers on her] Strange.
Chloe: Yes, you are.
Lucifer: What is it you normally do?
Mr. Taylor: Uh, I'm the movement and wellness mentor.
Lucifer: So you're the P.E. teacher. Lovely.
Lucifer: I'm the real Lucifer! And I insist that you stop this nonsense immediately! I mean, have you heard yourselves? It's embarrassing. Blue light coming out your ass. Or whatever it was. I mean, you preach rebellion, But you're-you're misguided sheep.
[Looks at guy in costume]
Lucifer: And goat.
Lucifer: Our dung beetle is protecting someone who's following in his footsteps. Protégé, perhaps.
Chloe: I found out someone else was following Robbie, and someone's been uploading photos online today from Nick's company. Last one was posted one hour ago from a party that's still happening. Our killer could be there.
[leaves]
Lucifer: [staying at the bar, glass in hand] Right.
Chloe: Are you coming or what ?
Lucifer: Oh sorry, I thought this was the part where you leave me behind and say something like "Lucifer, Stay. Good devil."
Chloe: I'd rather keep my eye on you.
Chloe: Derby Divas versus the Blazing Banshees. It's derby's most notorious rivalry.
Lucifer: Oh, ladies to go. I'll take two.
Chloe: [Watching the skaters] Whoa! Nice sausage.
Lucifer: What? So, those aren't ladies?
Amenadiel: I know you think you're friends with Pierce. I get it, but I am warning you, Luci. He has but one selfish goal. And working with him will only incur Father's wrath.
Lucifer: [laughs] That's the bloody point!
Chloe: I am choosing to be here, and if you're not gonna help, you should probably just leave.
Lucifer: Well, we both know I'm not gonna do that. I'm your partner.
Lucifer: [to Michael] I was wondering when you'd show our face again
Lucifer: Where were you, Maze?
Mazikeen: Wait, you think I'm helping her? Have you forgotten who *actually* tortured her in Hell?
Lucifer: Well, desperation makes for strange bedfellows... I've just pictured you in bed with my mom. Oh, I can't un-see that now.
Lucifer: So, someone's killing charlatans. Ah. The worst kind of scum. Next to boy bands.
Lucifer: So you're asserting dominance over a woman in order to learn how to stop asserting dominance over women?
Jed: It's scary seeing another DJ die. Makes you realize life's short.
Lucifer: Some not short enough.
Lucifer: Detective would you like to use your newly acquired charms on this lovely chap?
Chloe: Well, yes, I would. I just don't want to rub salt in your wound.
Lucifer: Well, obviously I'd love you to rub something else, but we're learning to share, aren't we?
Lucifer: I decided to get a jump on the case and take a few things off your plate. Which, I might add, is the opposite of Pierce, whose job it is to put things *on* your plate.
Ella: I think the Devil gets a bad rap
Lucifer: [Perks up] Oh! You do, do you?
Ella: Sure. I mean, what did he really do that was so bad? What, rebel against his dad? Ask some naked lady if she wanted an apple?
Lucifer: Be still my heart. Do go on.
Ella: I suppose he does run Hell. That's not so great, you know, with the torture and eternal damnation.
Lucifer: I'm retired. And besides, I didn't create Hell. I just worked there.
Lucifer: ...So I'm standing there, buck naked, and then when I take my blindfold off, I realize my naughty girlfriend has only snuck us into the aquarium after hours.
[laughs]
Lucifer: Next thing I know, we're tangled in the touch pool like a pair of randy merpeople. It was so Shape of Water.
Ella: Well, that just made my bucket list.
Lucifer: And Eve did this thing with a conch shell... it was very creative, actually. I'll draw you a diagram if you'd like.
Chloe: No. We're good. We get it.
- Temptation's in my nature.
- Hmm.
- And how's that working out for you?
Lucifer: Padre, does this not bother you?
- What can I say?
- I love this song.
Linda: Maybe we should explore the possibility that being vulnerable can be a good thing.
Lucifer: No, it can't. It means you're at someone else's mercy.
Linda: Then maybe you should just stay away from everybody. Stay away from Chloe.
Lucifer: But... I don't want to.
Lucifer: Okay, one Ecstasy dealer coming right up. You two can meet me at Lux in an hour.
Marcus: Sure.
Lucifer: Right. Daniel?
Dan: Yeah?
Lucifer: You can stay.
Lucifer: Sometimes the people closest to you can turn on you. Wouldn't you agree, Detective?
Chloe: Maybe,
Chloe: That was Trixie's school calling. Apparently, she's been using some very creative language today.
Lucifer: Oh. Do tell.
Chloe: Well, she called her math homework a "cluster duck" and her teacher a "mother flunker".
Lucifer: [amused] Did she not call anyone a "sock sucker"?
[Chloe looks at him, pissed]
Lucifer: What? It's just someone who sucks socks.
Chloe: I can't believe you're teaching my daughter loophole swear words.
Lucifer: In my defense, "mother flunker" was entirely the little deviant's creation. And very clever of her, I might add.
Lucifer: ♪ there must be some kind of way out of here ♪ j'j'
Lucifer: The good news is, I think you're right. I think Amenadiel does have the child safe. The bad news is... I think it's my least-favorite place...
Lucifer: Do you know, of all the ways you humans try to control your lives, these silly New Age superstitions are by far the most embarrassing.
Marcus: Well done, Lucifer. Way to be a good influence.
Lucifer: How dare you say that!
Todd: She did tell me about the story itself. How it had a peaceful, grounded ending. No scandals, no insiders versus outcasts. Just... people finally understanding each other. The way she described it, it... it sounded beautiful.
Lucifer: And boring.
Lucifer: You can't enjoy this. This sitting around endlessly, waiting for something to happen.
Chloe: You know, if sitting here not being entertained is so terrible, then maybe it's a sign you should be somewhere else.
Marcus: Last time you talked to him, he gouged his own eyes out.
Lucifer: Yes, a minor inconvenience, especially for him. I mean, can you imagine living in L.A. and not being able to enjoy the sunset?
Lucifer: If we don't get you back to Heaven before the detective gets to you, then she is quite literally toast.
Charlotte: Just making sure you're not getting into trouble.
Lucifer: Oh, that's no fun.
Linda: What's bothering you right now?
Lucifer: Well... right now I'm experiencing a very odd feeling. It's - it's like a fat man sitting on my chest. But not in a fun way.
Ella: Is it really so crazy? I mean, what if God was one of us?
Chloe: Just a slob, like one of us.
Ella: Exactly. Or just a..
Chloe: A stranger on a bus.
Lucifer: My father would never use public transport. That song is completely unrealistic.
Lucifer: Glenn, tell me... what is it you desire?
Glenn: I want Bob Goldbach to die.
Lucifer: Oh. Case solved, Detective. Here I was, worried we'd be rusty.
Linda: [On the phone] What you doing in Vegas?
Lucifer: Well...
[Sees Ella all dolled up]
Lucifer: Don't you look ravishing.
Linda: Lucifer?
Lucifer: Uh, sorry, I've got to go, Doctor. Speak soon.
[Hangs up]
Chloe: ...What did he say at the end there?
Linda: Um, something about...
[Tries to cover]
Linda: ... Radishes.
Lucifer: If I wanted to attend an art class, I would have at least had the sense to take one with a nude model.
Ella: You must be Detective Decker's civilian consultant.
Lucifer: Lucifer Morningstar.
Ella: Cool.
Lucifer: I was expecting a different reaction considering your choice of bling.
[Looks at her cross necklace]
Ella: Oh. Dude, I had a friend named Adolf, okay, Adolf. I didn't hold it against him.
Jerry: Taking care of your gear is the sixth stepping stone on the Firehawk Path to healing.
Lucifer: Ah, is stepping stone seven, "Use said gear to kill someone you hate"?
Lucifer: Back your mysterious ways already?
God: All part of My plan.
Dan: Don't mess with us right now, man, it's my wife...
Lucifer: Ex-wife.
Dan: My ex-wife's life is on the line.
Dave: You... so you're trying to help your *ex*-wife? Something's wrong with you, buddy.
Lucifer: Because you fucking shot me, Daniel!
Lexy: She was also the SAT prep administrator, so helped me get into my first choice. It was Harvard.
Lucifer: What advice would Miss Baez give to, say, a student in a relationship who, I don't know, needed to break up with someone?
Lexy: Oh, well, I wouldn't know. My boyfriend and I are super-solid. We'll probably get married. After we both finish college. At Harvard.
Lucifer: The way to hell really is paved with bad acne-prone intentions.
Lucifer: Aren't you lucky to benefit from the experience your wife has gained with dozens, maybe hundreds of men? Firemen, barbers, sailors, carnival barkers...
Jack: Yeah, I get it.
Lucifer: [in Amercian accent] Detective Decker, step away from your vehicle. Put your hands in the air and walk towards me peacefully. If you do not - I repeat - if you do not, we will have no choice but to shoot you with our new bazooka. We've actually been waiting months and months to use it, so, on second thought, please, speed away.
Lucifer: It seems you're a bit of a two-pump chump.
Linda: You said I could ride along because my knowledge of the case could come in handy.
Lucifer: To be fair, you did say you'd tail us if we didn't bring you.
Lucifer: Have a candy, Candy.
Chloe: You can't just walk in there in your three-piece suit and say,
[in a terrible Lucifer imitation]
Chloe: "Hello, drug dealers!"
Lucifer: I would never do that.
Lucifer: [at the karaoke bar] Annyeong, mayagsang!
["Hello, drug dealers!" but in Korean]
Lucifer: [Trying to care for Cornelia, the dog] I mean, at least the detective's human dependent can be bribed with chocolate and cash. But apparently, chocolate's toxic for Ms. Picky here. And she ate my wallet.
Lucifer: Dad's all-powerful.
Axara: Works in government?
Lucifer: Mmm. Rules the universe.
Axara: Freaking politicians.
Lucifer: Dad be damned.
Lucifer: Detective, does that mean you're on my side now?
Chloe: Lucifer, this is your home. I've always been on your side.
Dan: if Maze did this, would any of you really be shocked?
[They all speak at the same time]
Chloe: Yeah.
Lucifer: No, not at all.
Ella: I would. There's no way.
Lucifer: You and Maze are like snow pants and elephants. You don't mix.
Trixie: Parents, they're a mystery.
Lucifer: Well, I'll give you that.
Lucifer: If I kill a human, then I lose my wings! And, because I've been such a naughty angel, I get my devil face back, and... bonus!... I rid humanity of our sightless psychopath. Three birds, one Sinnerman.
Lucifer: It was a wonderful time.
- Men wore hats.
- Hemlines were on the rise...
- And so was crime.
- Rationing was over, the boys were home from the war, and the air was full of big band music and possibility.
- An old friend had reached out, asking me to meet her for a drink at the garden club.
Lucifer: I know that you'll always protect me. No matter how mortal I become, the Devil can depend on that.
Mazikeen: Yes, you can. Whatever the danger, I'll be there to stop it. Whether you see it coming or not.
Lucifer: That's my Maze.
Lucifer: I didn't expect you to be so happy to lose your first fight ever, Brother. And to a human, no less.
Amenadiel: Nice try, Luci, but we both know this doesn't count.
Lucifer: Ah.
Amenadiel: Not to mention the fact that no mere mortal could ever stand a chance against the full power of my God-given...
Lucifer: Forget it. I regret mentioning it.
Ella: [about the victim's stomach contents] Okay, so we got rice, coconut, snails... all typical for someone on a survival reality show. Here's what's not typical. We got sugar, flour, cacao, raisins, cherries and rum?
Lucifer: Uh, that is the ingredients of Hungarian rum balls.
Ella: That is oddly specific. And... actually, a pretty good guess.
Lucifer: Spent a lot of time with Attila, actually, back in the day.
Dan: [At Six Flags] I hate these places.
Lucifer: What? Women on adrenaline highs, massive potential for wardrobe malfunctions.
Lucifer: I am your father, and I demand that you shoot me!
Ella: The current travels through the wire and into his skin. Now, you add sea air and his sweat, perfect combo for maximum voltage.
[Gasps]
Ella: Oh! That'd be a sick DJ name.
Lucifer: All DJs are sick, if you ask me.
Lucifer: Once upon a time, the Devil went to New York City.
Lucifer: [Lucifer's answering machine] Hello. This is Lucifer. You know what to do... preferably in the nude.
Lucifer: Okay, Detective, this next part will be much easier if you're not here, so I'm gonna politely ask you to leave, okay?
Chloe: I'm not going anywhere.
Mazikeen: I don't think Amenadiel is the one weaponizing Chloe.
Lucifer: You don't think? Game's too dangerous to be guessing. I think it's time to send my brother back to high Heaven. Forcibly, if necessary.
Lucifer: It's best if everyone involved just goes back to normal.
Linda: Easier said than done, Lucifer.
Lucifer: Yes, you may be right.
[Has a thought]
Lucifer: Maybe I should *do* normal rather than just say it.
Linda: Huh?
Lucifer: Help speed things along a little. Ah. Another nugget. Thank you, Doctor.
[Leaves]
Linda: Yep. Back to normal.
Lucifer: I'm sorry, strange, disheveled gunman, have we met?
Linda: God and His ex having a fight to the death? Sounds kind of bad for, you know, humanity.
Lucifer: [Waves hand] Oh, you'll probably be fine.
Linda: *Probably*?
Lucifer: Bend the knee, brother.
Lucifer: One last case should be enough.
Chloe: Enough for what?
Lucifer: Well for closure, of course.
Chloe: What does that mean?
Lucifer: I... I-I'm not sure, but the doctor told me I needed it.
Ella: Average height, average build, no visible scars or tattoos. I mean, even his shoes are so boring.
Lucifer: Mm, no wonder he's stealing sneaker secrets.
Lucifer: A canine killer. Seems they can't trust you with a real homicide, Daniel.
Ella: Nope. The bitch is innocent.
Chloe: We got to make a pit stop.
Lucifer: What? No, absolutely not.
Chloe: My kid got into a fight. I got to pick her up.
Lucifer: What, can't she get herself home?
Chloe: She's seven.
Lucifer: Look, I'm not here to help you run errands. I'm here to help you solve a homicide.
Chloe: Really?
Reese: I'm gonna expose you for the fraud you are. And save this woman. Don't you try and stop me.
Lucifer: I won't. She might, though.
Veronica: Who is this guy, Lucifer? He doesn't seem very fun.
Reese: You're not tied up against your will?
Veronica: Um, no. I'm pretty into this. At least I was until you got here.
Trixie: You have a piano up here?
[She runs up to inspect it]
Lucifer: Yes, but no! Please! Please don't touch that. I don't know where you've been.
Lucifer: What is it you desire?
Tiffany: To punch every millennial in the face.
Lucifer: Really? I mean, I don't disagree, but still.
Tiffany: They've ruined our entire industry. With their "social consciousness" and "ethical issues".
Chloe: Well, after 57 phone calls, twice as many texts, the billboard off Sunset, and the ill-conceived stripper-gram...
Lucifer: In my defense, Roberto came highly recommended.
Chloe: You were right about the implants. They were pulled from the market years ago for rupturing.
Lucifer: Aaah. A moment of silence for those poor, mishandled breasts.
Lucifer: Come on, Detective. You can't seriously believe I killed that pathetic malcontent.
Chloe: It doesn't matter what I believe.
Lucifer: That's all that matters, Detective.
Lucifer: It's me. It's Lucifer.
Chloe: Do you expect me to fall for that again?
Lucifer: But... Look at the hair... or the perfectly arranged pocket square. Could Michael pull this off? I don't think so.
- Where is he?
Lucifer: Yeah!
- Yeah.
- Ready?
Lucifer: Ah, hello again, my little cannonball. Sorry, I didn't introduce myself earlier. Lucifer. Morningstar.
Young: Seriously?
Lucifer: Yes, yes. I'm the Devil, hope you'll hold it against me.
Young: Lucifer Morningstar, the guy who owns Lux?
Lucifer: That's me.
Young: [laughing] No, it's not. I've seen him before. His beats are sick.
Lucifer: [he's taken aback] I very much beg your pardon. Beats?
Young: Yeah. He performed at a rap battle last week in the Valley.
Lucifer: [offended] Every single part of that sentence horrifies me.
Young: It is so gross that you're pretending to be someone you're not.
Lucifer: [in disbelief] Uh!
Young: [walking away] Even your accent is fake.
Chloe: Kinley's vial? You kept that?
Lucifer: Well, I didn't think it was something I could just toss down the drain. I was gonna chuck it out with my spent batteries.
Sexy: You here for business or pleasure?
Lucifer: Oh, pleasure. Always pleasure.
Reese: I saw his real face. If you see it, then you'll know.
Linda: I have seen it. And I know. I know how unsettling it can be.
Lucifer: Yes. And if you're this unsettled by me, I'd hate to see what you're gonna do to the scoundrel who's been sleeping with your wife.
Lucifer: Bloody cartoon logic!
Lucifer: What could be more magical than magic?
Chloe: I don't know. Isn't magic a little goofy?
Lucifer: Goofy? It's skill, cunning, and deception, without actually telling a lie. What's not to love?
Ella: This is the Teflon Totem. Only one is hidden on The Cabin per season. You find this bad boy, and you are safe from elimination. Guess where I found it?
Lucifer: Well, if it keeps you safe from "elimination", I'd say tucked right up in...
Lucifer: Maze? Ah, good, you're still here. I have a job for you.
Mazikeen: On my way out, Lucifer. No more jobs.
Lucifer: Yes, yes, I know. You don't work for me anymore. Very clear. But I have a feeling you're gonna love this one. Just think of it as a parting gift.
Chloe: What about Hell?
Lucifer: [Chuckles] Oh, right. That's what this is about, is it? You probably want to know who's down there, don't you? Well, many may surprise you. Jim Morrison, for instance, Gary Coleman.
Lucifer: Detective! Woohoo!
Linda: Do you mean actual gates? Like big and pearly? Are we talking clouds? Harps? Old dudes in white robes?
Lucifer: And my Dad is Morgan Freeman? Focus, Doctor.
Lucifer: [to Pierce] Brothers. Am I right? I mean, you get it. You killed yours.
- You are gonna be more than sorry unless you tell me everything.
- Please. Please, don't...
- No!
- No! No!
Lucifer: No, don't!
Lucifer: Aha! Her favorite beverage. Well, surely this is evidence that Maze is guilty. And well hydrated.
Linda: I find that people make Los Angeles their home for one of two reasons. Either they're running from something, or looking for something.
Lucifer: Oh, and which one are you?
Linda: I'm not the one on the couch, Lucifer.
Lucifer: Now the sword's complete, we can get on with our plan.
[the piece falls from the sword]
Lucifer: ... Or not. Maybe there's another piece missing
Amenadiel: [Annoyed] Or maybe a dragon has to breathe on it. Who knows?
Lucifer: If we're gonna get revenge on Dad, we've got to be committed.
Marcus: I've already married you. I'm not sure how much more committed I could be.
Madison: The good news is bad feelings can be harnessed into good actions. My son Ranger knows this. Right, Ranger?
[Ranger silently picks his nose]
Madison: Would anyone else like to try?
Lucifer: Yeah!
Madison: ...Would any of the *children* like to volunteer?
Lucifer: [Whispers] For a progressive school, it's rather ageist.
Lilith: I'm not talking about sex, Lucifer. I'm talking... about an emotional connection.
Lucifer: Oh! Absolutely not.
[Chuckles]
Lucifer: It would take a literal miracle for me to want something like that, and I'm fairly certain my father's not handing those out anymore.
Chloe: The killer inserted a knife into her throat, made two very precise cuts, slashing her vocal cords.
Chloe: Sounds like someone went to a lot of trouble to make a point.
Lucifer: Yes, I smell an annoyed neighbor who's tired of her singing.
Lucifer: What? You want me to babysit the priest?
Chloe: I babysit you all the time.
Dan: I still don't get it, man. Why the hell are you following me around all of a sudden?
Lucifer: Because I want to learn what it's like to be you, Daniel.
Dr. Chan Ahn: [Looking at a bad drawing of Lucifer's wings] You have moles that large on your back? You need to get them checked out, have them removed.
Lucifer: But I tried removing them in the past, but the stubborn buggers always seem to grow back. I just need you to dress them up a smidge. Maybe you could... attach some white feathers or tattoo them. Something cheery, flowers, maybe.
Lucifer: Maybe I'll tag along.
Chloe: It's never gonna happen.
Lucifer: Care to wager?
- Creepy how children do that, isn't it? [Chuckles]
- Anyway, lthought they'd come in handy for Rory, the tiny one inside you, that is.
- Oh, thank you.
- That's, uh, that's very thoughtful.
Lucifer: May I?
- Yeah, come in.
Chloe: [Murder victim is surrounded by breast implants] What are all these?
Lucifer: These are boobs. Yes, I'd know them anywhere. C-cups to be precise. Oh, look at these.
[Picks some up and starts juggling]
Chloe: Please don't... juggle the evidence, Lucifer.
[Looks at Reese]
Chloe: But it's fine if he does, 'cause, you know, they've already been processed.
Lucifer: They're called "fun bags" for a reason!
Lucifer: Apparently, they have 12 different types of whiskey.
Amenadiel: Yes, humans are funny with their infinite capacity for distractions.
Lucifer: It's not distraction, Brother. It's choice.
Amenadiel: Why are we here?
Lucifer: Well, two reasons, actually. Uh, boobs.
Amenadiel: [sighs] Why am I not surprised?
Chloe: [about her birthday gift] What is it?
Lucifer: It's the bullet from when you shot me. Remember in the warehouse, early in our partnership?
Chloe: Oh. Yeah. I remember.
Lucifer: Well, I thought since I'll never likely penetrate you, I'd commemorate the one time you penetrated me.
Lucifer: Right, that's your play, is it? Taking credit for my failed rebellion? By all means, it's yours.
Michael: Now, you see, that is the best part. All I did was plant the idea. You're the one who chose do it. You still get to keep all the blame yourself.
Bianca: I can't even count the times that Chet has come close to destroying everything I've built.
Charlotte: Children always find new ways to test us.
Lucifer: [Listening from the police van] She's talking about Amenadiel.
Charlotte: Put us through Hell.
Lucifer: ...That one's me.
Marcus: Why are you doing this?
Lucifer: How am I supposed to solve the mystery of how to kill you if I don't understand you first? Your strengths, your weaknesses, because everyone has a kryptonite, Lieutenant.
Dan: Perry hired him to go behind the Triad's back to kill Boris, knowing that they'd punish him for it.
Lucifer: Clever Perry, killed two birds with one stone. Three, if you count the chicken.
Lucifer: As you can see, the Devil does indeed wear Prada.
Chloe: [lying in hospital bed] Thank you.
Lucifer: You're welcome. And, besides, you know, you're far too interesting to let die.
Chloe: You saved my life because I'm interesting?
Lucifer: Wildly irritating as well, but yes.
Chloe: This is a serial killer.
Lucifer: Yes. The Completely Justified Killer of Phonies.
[to Reese]
Lucifer: If that's what you name him, I want credit.
Scotty: My nerd squad. We're developing a virtual reality game where the user gets to be a serial killer.
Lucifer: Humans. Honestly.
Lucifer: You clearly need to blow off some steam, don't you? Take your mind off Ameninda? No. Lindadiel?
Linda: So... Oscar, huh? Tell me everything.
Lucifer: Well... he was straight when I first met him.
Chloe: Finally, some rain. Maybe someone up there is looking out for us.
Lucifer: I can assure you, he's in no way meteorologically inclined. Apart from the whole Noah thing, and that was a one-off.
Lucifer: Everyone thinks they know what He wants. Amenadiel did when he first got here, now Uriel does. Human wars have been waged because of it. Dad showed me an open door. Does that mean I was meant to take you back to Hell or was he insinuating that Hell was getting drafty? Nobody bloody knows, because the selfish bastard won't just tell us!
Amenadiel: There will be real consequences, Luci, for all of us. Especially me.
Lucifer: You know, I liked you better drunk.
Chloe: [holding axe to Lucifer] If I pushed this into your chest... it would kill you?
Lucifer: Yes.
Chloe: Because I'm close to you?
Lucifer: Yes.
Chloe: But you jumped in front of it anyway?
Lucifer: Yes. And I would do it again. And again. Don't you know that, Detective?
Chloe: [Chasing a suspect in an ice cream store] Freeze!
Lucifer: Ha. "Freeze," good one.
Lucifer: Detective! Hiii.
Lilith: [singing] I'm tired of being pure/ And not Chased/ Like something that seeks its level/ I wanna go to the Devil...
Lucifer: That's me.
Amenadiel: Since you refuse to return to Hell, I can't possibly face our siblings or...
Lucifer: Dad? Yeah. Quite the judgmental one,
Chloe: Wait.
Lucifer: You okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
Chloe: You sure?
Lucifer: Yeah, I'm fine.
- Detective!
- Detective!
- J'j'
Chloe: I don't know why, but I actually thought he'd be proud of me.
Lucifer: Well, disappointing fathers is a rite of passage, Ms. Decker. Take it from someone who's made a living out of it.
Chloe: We're not... normal.
Lucifer: No.
Chloe: We... we're us. And we're... incredible.
Lucifer: Right. Here's the deal.
- We can have as much naked cuddle time as you desire, but you're gonna have to listen to me, too.
- You know, just an existential dilemma or two. Deal?
Linda: Yes.
- J'j'
Lucifer: [Discovering Pierce is still alive] Shouldn't you be, I don't know, having tea with Hitler by now?
Chloe: For having this not be your business, you're certainly talking to a lot of people about it.
Lucifer: I know. I just wish people would stop prying
Jay: I'll get my act together, I promise.
Lucifer: No need to promise, Jay Lopez. Because I'll be watching you, and if you ever disappoint her again... I'll come for you.
Linda: No, it can't be.
Lucifer: Why not? And please don't say "because."
Linda: Because!
Lucifer: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I believe we need to focus.
Chloe: 250 guests. You know what that means.
Lucifer: Great party.
Chloe: 250 suspects.
Chloe: You're really tan. Are you, uh, are you a surfer?
Blue: Well, I'd sure like to surf... in your eyes.
Lucifer: [Listening in van] Ugh, dearie me. He's lucky it's not a crime to be a cheeseball.
Rosie: The angel... he took one of my figurines. Gabriel.
Lucifer: Right. Try lending him some money. Your tune changes rather quickly.
Charlotte: I just want a chance to start - OVER.
Lucifer: But... going HOME?... That's not starting over-that's-that's going BACKwards...
[realizing the meaning of Chloe's words]
Lucifer: ... and that's not good for anyone... so it's time for you to move forward, mum.
Jack: Yeah, thanks for having my six back there.
Lucifer: But you told me to stay behind you. Which wasn't easy considering you spent so much time on the pavement.
Lucifer: Oh, i haven't heard music like that since... well, since the Silver City.
Amenadiel: What, there's no music in hell?
Lucifer: Only for torture, and usually out of tune. Lately we've been playing music by this chap named Bieber. Gosh, you should hear the screams.
Lucifer: The Detective is a detective, so I'm being a mystery.
Chloe: Originally, the show was much edgier. About a guy dealing with his insecurities about his, um...
[Flustered]
Chloe: W-Well, I really don't want to tell you.
Lucifer: Ooh. Well, now I need to know.
Chloe: [Signs] Dealing with his insecurities about his, um, micropenis.
Lucifer: All right, well. Hold me closer, tiny donger. So you're saying we're looking for a needle in a penis stack.
Chloe: See, this is why I didn't want to tell you.
Lucifer: It's classic Dad. Hanging the final piece of the Flaming Sword right under our noses... Well... Your nose, this entire time
Lucifer: That was a clucking waste of time.
Charlotte: A book? That's what Zeke smuggled for me? Is this a joke?
Lucifer: Well, if it were, I would have chosen something funnier, like Douglas Adams or Freud.
- Not exactly.
Lucifer: Wait.
- What just happened?
- Maze is right.
- Rivers is innocent.
- Which means she's in more trouble than she knows.
- J'j'
Lucifer: There's no point. The Detective's a safe distance away now.
Marcus: No, it's good. I came prepared. As I recall, this can kill you pretty well.
Lucifer: A fair fight it is then, Cain.
Chloe: You don't get to decide who gets punished and how!
Lucifer: That's exactly what I do.
Ella: Check it out, petechial hemorrhaging, ribboned skin, ocular discharge.
Lucifer: [Chuckles, Chloe gives him a look] Sorry. She said "discharge". It gets me every time.
Lucifer: You know, high school reunion's a very popular torture in Hell.
Lucifer: Detective, you're the only reason I'm here.
Chloe: Apparently you're the only reason *I'm* here.
Lucifer: So you're saying he was water-Bordeauxed?
Chloe: How do we find three demons and a baby?
[a passing cop gives them a look]
Lucifer: Three Demons and a Baby. That's one of my favorite movies.
[both chuckle awkwardly]
Lucifer: Not as good as the original, though.
Lucifer: Well, in my experience, problems are like Bible salesmen or genital warts. If you pretend they're not there, sooner or later they disappear.
Lucifer: There is absolutely no way I'm sitting down for anything as absurd or torturous as a family dinner. I've already done my time in Hell, remember?
Lucifer: I'm simply saying that we should be focusing on more pressing criminal issues.
Chloe: Such as?
Lucifer: Well, I'm glad you asked, actually.
[Opens newspaper]
Lucifer: The death of Celeste McDougall. Very suspicious, indeed.
Chloe: She was 92.
Lucifer: Yes, and fit as a fiddle. I mean, look at that smug face.
Lucifer: [On Charlotte's prospects as an escapee] I mean... how far can a celestial being trapped in a feeble human body for the first time get?
Mazikeen: Well let's see: she's stupid hot, wearing my clothes, and she's got a corporate credit card.
Lucifer: [Stunned realization] Bollocks...
Lucifer: Choreographer with a bum leg? Is this one of those, "those who can't, teach" scenarios?
Lucifer: Know this... when I find out what someone truly desires, I find out their greatest weakness. And that's not a parlor trick, Sinnerman. It's power.
Lucifer: My name is Lucifer Morningstar and I... love drugs! Love them! Mmm! Yummy, yummy, yummy. Can't get enough. And... I've got lots of money...
[Flashes roll of cash]
Lucifer: Mmm, that I love spending on drugs. Not even picky. I'll do any of them. Mix them together sometimes.
[Turns to the group]
Lucifer: You ever done a he-she? No? A neon nod? A donk? Ah. Yeah, he knows what I'm talking about.
[Points to a guy]
Lucifer: That man has definitely donked.
Lucifer: [Looking at his shattered piano] Oh, Michael. Of all the things you've done to hurt me, this might cut the deepest.
Lucifer: It's not your job to punish, Marshal Reynolds. It's mine.
Lucifer: Another good deed but still no rush like before. Am I doing this wrong?
Chloe: In so many ways.
Chloe: Right now, Maze needs a different kind of help.
Lucifer: What, some strong drugs and a lobotomy?
God: I guess you get your denial from your father.
Lucifer: What denial? Kidding. Mostly.
Lucifer: Chloe Jane Decker... would you consider spending the rest of today with me and our daughter?
Chloe: How can I say no to that?
Lucifer: What do you think you're doing?
Charlotte: I'm taking your lead, son. Learning about your beloved humanity.
Lucifer: By dancing at my club?
Charlotte: Well, I saw all the people on the tables smiling and I wanted to discover what they were so happy about.
Lucifer: Oh, is it possible it's the money that I pay them?
Amenadiel: I've made a decision about my son. And even though in my heart, I... I believe it's right, I know it's gonna be painful.
Lucifer: Oh. Right, that. Well, 79 percent of American boys are circumcised, so you'll be in the majority if you go that way; however, it does reduce sensation by about 32.8 percent, according to Dr. Oz.
Lucifer: [on stakeout] This is the longest I've sat in a parked car and not had sex.
Chloe: Ew.
Amenadiel: If only you'd done what was asked of you, none of this would've happened, and I'd still be home where I belong!
Lucifer: Heaven? Really? You're sure that's still home, eh? After everything you've done?
Amenadiel: Oh, come on, Luci. There must be hundreds of porn stars in Hell.
Lucifer: Sadly, no, on account of all the good work they do here on Earth, I assume.
Frank: We had a rivalry. He had his whole doorknobs thing and, as for me...
Lucifer: You kill people in swimming pools, hence the name Pool Boy. It's very clever. I see what you've done there.
Frank: Allegedly killed.
Chloe: I know how fans can get obsessed with their idols.
Lucifer: Yes, and... with their boobs. Like after you did Hot Tub High School, Detective.
- Look, it's very difficult to explain, but believe me when I say that there are many, many lives at stake here.
- So, please, just put the gun down, huh?
Lucifer: No!
- N n“
Lucifer: Ah. I know that look. Either there are new sandwiches in the vending machine, or you have a lead.
Lucifer: I am the devil, and Le Mec is just a man. A bloody Frenchman, to add insult to injury!
Lucifer: It hurts not being accepted for who you are.
Lucifer: Isn't that ironic? You want your wings back and didn't get them, and I...
[Stops himself from admitting the truth]
Lucifer: ... Get whacked over the head and hauled out to the desert.
Amenadiel: That's not ironic.
Lucifer: Well, not "ironic" ironic. More... Alanis Morissette ironic.
Lucifer: Murdering to keep the gig? That seems a tad method, don't you think?
Chloe: Are you saying you don't believe in Lucifer?
Onyx: Look, mate, the devil ain't gonna buy me an Aston Martin.
Lucifer: Well, not with that attitude, he won't.
Lucifer: I'm sorry, Detective, but Charlotte's in danger. We need to find her.
Chloe: How did she go from big bad wolf to little lost lamb?
Lucifer: Well, maybe she's a wolf in sheep's clothing, but right now she needs to return to the flock.
Chloe: The Sinnerman is an urban myth; He doesn't exist. He's a boogeyman that criminals use to hide their bad behavior. "The Sinnerman made me do it."
Lucifer: Yet another thing he's stolen from me, being blamed for the bad deeds of men.
[pause]
Lucifer: He can keep that one, actually.
Lucifer: We need to bust Maze out. Let's smuggle her something she can use to escape.
[Looks around, grabs a stabler and a sandwich]
Lucifer: Where would I and therefore Abel go next?
[Looks at attractive woman in a tight dress]
Lucifer: Wherever she's going.
Lucifer: Since it very well be my last night on Earth, let's go to the bar.
Trixie: My parents wouldn't like that.
Lucifer: Wouldn't they? Sounds like grown-up problems to me.
Erik: I don't mind a fellow struggling comic busting balls. It's when a millionaire starts punching down that I get pissed. Or that good-looking jerk from the club.
Lucifer: What? Who's he talking about?
Chloe: Dan.
Lucifer: Right. Are you sure?
Chloe: You're really in therapy?
Lucifer: Why is that so surprising?
Chloe: You're the least reflective person I know.
Lucifer: I have layers. I'm like an onion. An irresistible one.
Azrael: I didn't abandon you. I've been busy.
Lucifer: Oh?
Azrael: I mean, you try being the Angel of Death. A lot of people die, Lu.
- He just forgot to mention you were so damn hot.
- I like her.
Lucifer: Oh, I'm so glad.
- Because I'm going to have to exit orgy left, I'm afraid.
- What?
- I know, sugarplum, but mandatory meeting at work.
- Can't be helped.
God: Hey, does this mean you're not angry at your dad anymore?
Lucifer: No, I'm not angry. I'm bloody furious.
- Or clever detectives from learning about said espionage.
- I'm not saying anything more without my lawyer.
Lucifer: Ah, wonderful.
- Well, if he works for yates, that means his lawyer is
- Charlotte Richards, right?
Mazikeen: You need to leave. Now.
Lucifer: What's the rush? It's just getting exciting.
Mazikeen: Humans are playing with their guns, and now they're running for cover. No reason to find out if your bones will break too.
Lucifer: Well, what about my broken... heart?
[about Yellow Viper]
Chloe: He doesn't have to talk to us. He really seems to care about those kids.
Lucifer: It's odd for a criminal. Or anyone, really.
Amenadiel: Maybe celestial beings and humans... Luci, maybe they aren't that different.
Lucifer: What, are we talking in bed? 'Cause we all know my skills are preternatural.
Lucifer: Detective, does that mean you're on my side now?
Chloe: Lucifer, this is your home, I've always been on your side.
Chloe: [Looking at Jana's phone] All threatening texts. All sent from the same number. This last one, just before she got to your place.
Lucifer: "Ditch the loser from Lux"? Oh, this is terrible. She was seeing someone else at Lux?
Chloe: I think it means you.
Lucifer: I realized granting favors defines me. I mean, you wouldn't ask Superman not to fly? A Kardashian not to selfie?
Lucifer: Okay, who wants to kill me?
[Maze and Amenadiel raise their hands]
Malcolm: I'm here to murder you.
Lucifer: Well... that is a buzzkill.
Lucifer: You may have crossed paths with God, but you certainly never made a deal with the devil now, did you?
Chloe: Pure Honey, they've been here for years. Maybe they didn't like the competition moving in next door.
Lucifer: Destroy the rival hive and suddenly he's back to being queen bee.
Lucifer: Easy peasy, Chinese-y.
Lucifer: All my self-hatred is also self-inflicted. No one to blame but myself on that.
Linda: I'm going to give you 60 seconds then re-surge your heart.
Lucifer: Sixty seconds? I've had orgasms that last longer.
Jeffrey: Yes, we were having an affair, but that's over. Broke off last week.
Lucifer: You didn't have to kill her to break up with her, did you?
Jeffrey: Of course not!
Lucifer: Oh.
[sighs in relief]
Lucifer: In the end, the shoe turned out to be interesting, and the top hat, boring.
Linda: Right. So you're gonna embrace your boring side now?
Lucifer: Well, I would, but I have no boring side.
Keri: Please tell me you're here to put me out of my misery.
Lucifer: Could be, yes.
Lucifer: I'm going to learn how to Douche.
Dan: I even skipped out on some of our wedding planning to see Body Bags 6. Remember?
Chloe: *That* was the big emergency?
Dan: It was totally worth it. It was a great movie.
Lucifer: Yes, it was. Better catch phrase, wasn't it?
Lucifer: "Not on my watch."
[They laugh]
Lucifer: Maybe I should get a catch phrase.
- but turns out, it's just my old life.
- And I'm... not sure if I want to go back there.
- Hey, but Dan's probably still into it, though.
- Hmm.
Lucifer: Thanks so much for dinner, bye.
Anya: Bye, have a good one.
Lucifer: I clearly didn't do this woman a favor, because she's... well, a dentist.
- I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth.
- Even if it meant my own sister going to jail.
- Maybe moira was right about me.
- Maybe I do ruin everything I touch.
Lucifer: She was right.
- You should've stayed away from everyone you cared about.
Vincent: There's only ever one hard copy since she does all her writing on that typewriter.
Lucifer: Yes, and... well, her dying on that typewriter as well, it seems.
Lucifer: Is it me, or is your plan going down in flames?
Lucifer: [after pretending to be a priest and listening to a confession] For your penance: ten bloody Marys and a good shag.
- No, see, you're doing it again.
Lucifer: New I.D., bank account, passport.
- I know just the person to go to.
- Oh.
- Damn, you're good.
- Yep. [Door shuts]
Lucifer: It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Sinnerman: Likewise.
Lucifer: Always gratifying to find out that one's nemesis is altogether lacking in style.
Lucifer: I really need to put a lock on that elevator.
Lucifer: I'm trying to take my focus off someone very dear to me.
[Looks at the sky]
Lucifer: But... a friend, actually. Well, no, indeed, more a coworker.
Lucifer: That's Destiny Page's number. No one in their right mind would ignore her.
Dan: Wait, Destiny Page, the pop star?
Lucifer: Mm-hm.
Dan: How would you know her number?
Lucifer: Funny story...
Dan: Never mind, don't wanna know.
Lucifer: It turns out you were right, Doctor. It's impossible to control your feelings. And anyone who does risks turning into a murderous lunatic with a child of below-average intelligence,
Lucifer: The Devil solving crime. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Lucifer: [Regarding Willie "The Sausage Prince"] My dear friend Sigmund would have had a field day with you.
Lucifer: Well, I've assumed a lot about my mother, including the fact that she wants revenge for what I did to her.
Linda: And now she doesn't?
Lucifer: Well, it doesn't appear so, no.
Linda: And why is that a bad thing?
Lucifer: Well, because, Doctor, if she's not coming to kill me, then I don't know what she's doing. And...... that's truly terrifying.
Lucifer: That whole "mark of Cain" thing was so dreary, so nihilistic. There are far better ways to spend my time.
Linda: Oh?
Lucifer: Yes. Well, I could brew my own artisanal beer. Take a nude painting class. Buy that pet shark I've always wanted.
Lucifer: Excuses! They're like arseholes. Everybody's got one, but nobody wants to hear it.
Lucifer: I have 7 billion problems and only love one.
Toby: Everybody loves Pablo. The fun one. But if they knew who he really was... He was a train wreck. He wasted all our money on hookers and blow.
Lucifer: That doesn't sound like such a bad guy to me.
Chloe: Dan slept with Charlotte?
Lucifer: Trust me, you're not half as disgusted by that as I am.
Chloe: Is there anyone who hasn't slept with that woman?
Lucifer: Uh...
[Raises a hand]
Greyson the Lawyer: I'm a lawyer, so I admit, I'm used to doing whatever it takes to win. But I'm not gonna kill anybody.
Lucifer: And what about romantic liaisons?
[Looks at Chloe]
Lucifer: I mean, it's hard to stop an attraction, just because you're working together... I mean, playing a game.
Ilene the Ex: I would never fraternize with the enemy, sir. Eyes on the prize.
Lucifer: Oh, have a drink. Two, if you like. Who says the Devil can't be charitable?
Lucifer: [to Chloe] How can I call you "the detective" if you're not actually a detective?
Amenadiel: Apparently, there's a tradition here on Earth to ask someone to be a back-up parent in case something happens to the child's real parents.
Lucifer: Oh. Are you seriously asking me, evil incarnate, to be the child's godfather?
[laughs]
Lucifer: The irony.
Lucifer: I hate to break it to you, Cain, but there's only room for one immortal in the detective's life, and that position's already been filled.
Lucifer: [Maddox is threatening them with a baseball bat] Take a swing and I'll shove that so far up your ass you'll have splinters in your stool.
Lucifer: All work and no play makes the detective... a shoe.
[Holds up monopoly piece]
Chloe: Thank you for your time.
Lucifer: Yes. Thank you.
Lieutenant: [Turns to co-star cluelessly] Do they seem familiar to you?
Mazikeen: My next bounty should be here any minute.
Linda: You got your bounty to come to you? How'd you pull that off?
Lucifer: Let me guess. Blackmail. No. Promise of a threesome.
Lucifer: You have experience with emotionally fragile men, don't you?
Chloe: You're self-aware today.
Lucifer: No, I meant Dan.
U.S. Marshal Luke Reynolds: I kept tabs on him, made sure he was safe. Failed pretty spectacularly at that, though, didn't I?
Lucifer: You certainly did.
[Chloe glares at him]
Lucifer: Well, he asked.
Lucifer: I've come back to help. Any leads yet?
Chloe: I need your help like I need a third boob.
Mazikeen: Did you know that Linda and Amenadiel are a thing?
Lucifer: Linda and Amenadiel are doing what now? How'd you know?
Mazikeen: Well, I saw them in her office. "Talking." They were clearly about to bone.
Lucifer: Right, you do realize that talking in her office is *literally* Linda's job?
Ella: Why do you like this Wesley Cabot guy so much?
Lucifer: Well, he rips men's hearts out, wipes out entire villages, never says thank you, and he's applauded for it
Ella: Oh, him... as opposed to you. That's right, because you're the
[Whispering]
Ella: Son of God.
Lucifer: Exactly.
Ella: Yes. I get it. I mean, Stanislavksy would be very proud of you.
Lucifer: Okay, for the last time, I am not a method actor.
Ella: So method of you to say. Damn, you are good. Hey, can you cry on cue?
Assistant: No phones on campus, please. Sends a message that our arms aren't actually available to our children
Lucifer: Right.
[Turns to Chloe]
Lucifer: Detective, this school is weird, and, yes, this case is boring.
Lucifer: [Finding Pierce at Chloe's house] I just didn't expect to see you here. On a weekend. Wearing open-toe, non-work-related Birkis.
Linda: I know you've been through Hell... I suppose we can discuss that another time.
Lucifer: Oh, no, no, there's no need for censoring, Doctor. Candy and I have no secrets. Isn't that the key to a successful marriage?
Linda: And how are you coping since your... Travels? Any warning signs of lasting trauma? Denial?
[Looks at Candy]
Linda: Rash decisions?
Lucifer: No, no. I think I've thought through everything quite carefully.
Candy: He's a thinker, this one!
- Whoa!
- He's different when he's with you.
- Maze: Chloe Decker is causing your vulnerability.
Lucifer: I'm bleeding.
- Do you think I'm boyfriend material?
- Perhaps you've been underestimating yourself.
- You deserve someone as good as you.
Chloe: He was firing at you. Why aren't you... more dead?
Lucifer: You're having a very hard time with the immortal thing, aren't you?
Linda: [about Maze, who is sitting next to Lucifer, on the verge of tears] She thought you abandoned her. That you didn't care how that affected her.
Lucifer: But those sort of things never bothered her be-
[He finally notices that Maze is crying]
Lucifer: ... Before.
Lucifer: What's the worst thing you've ever done to someone, without killing them?
Les: I once ate someone's kidney in front of them.
Lucifer: Ew. Well, that's a non-starter. I refuse to put any part of Daniel in my mouth.
Chloe: We found your prints all over that murder weapon.
Ben: [Nervous] You did?
Lucifer: We did?
Chloe: We didn't, but now I know you killed him.
Lucifer: Ah. Nice bit of improvisation there, Ms. Decker. I don't care what the critics say. You do have range.
Lucifer: You've managed to offend the detective more than anyone, to the point where she actually divorced you. Yet, you always seem to bounce back. How?
Dan: Okay, first off... Our divorce was mutual.
Lucifer: I had to run home to replace your ghastly scarf. One thing I refuse to hate about myself is my style.
Linda: I didn't know that they could grow back. Are wings like... body hair?
Lucifer: No. Don't be so ridiculous. This is Dad's latest stunt. A celestial spanking, if you will. I suppose that's what I get for giving Mum her own universe.
Lucifer: You're saying the blade can sense my emotional state? It's the most powerful weapon in the universe, Mum... The sword that guarded Eden, not a groovy mood ring.
Michael: Why do you have to fight the inevitable?
Lucifer: It's the only way I know how to fight.
Lucifer: [First lines] Forgive me, Father... for not offering you a drink. I have an aversion to the cloth. Daddy issues.
Lucifer: But you are here on Earth, so, if it's any consolation, you couldn't do worse than our father.
Amenadiel: How do you know that?
Lucifer: Because ours was literally never there.
Chloe: Hey. I've been looking for you everywhere. I tracked your phone's GPS.
Lucifer: Well, here I am.
Chloe: Well, we should wrap up the arrest report. And by that I mean paperwork, not some celebratory drink that you'll then turn into a moment.
Lucifer: Yes, Well... I've changed my mind about that, actually. I've realised it would never work out between us.
Chloe: Really?
Lucifer: Yes. So from now on, no more attempts at moments. I'd be honoured to simply continue working by your side. If you'll have me.
Chloe: Of course.
Lucifer: Good.
Chloe: Yeah. It's not like you to give up.
Lucifer: No, I haven't given up. I had an epiphany of sorts. You deserve someone worthy of you. And that isn't me.
Chloe: That's not what I've been saying, Lucifer.
Lucifer: I know. It's what I'm saying. You deserve someone better. Because you, Detective, are selfless to a nauseating degree. You always put your daughter first, even though the ungrateful urchin does nothing to contribute to the rent. So... You deserve someone worthy of that grace. Someone who knows that every crime scene breaks your heart, even though you'd never admit it. Someone who actually appreciates your impossibly boring middle name, "Jane". And more importantly, Detective, you deserve someone as good as you. Because, well, you're special and I'm... I'm not worth it.
Chloe: Yeah. You're probably right.
[kisses Lucifer]
Lucifer: Detective...?
[Chloe kisses him again]
Reese: This is all your fault. You ruined my life. You drove me to do things I never would've done. And now... there's a dead girl down there because of you.
Lucifer: What is it with you humans? Huh? Always blaming me. I never make any of you do anything.
Amenadiel: We need the most love when we're being most unlovable.
Lucifer: No offense, Brother, but I don't need love from you. I get plenty from naked strangers.
Charlotte: If you didn't want the blade found, you shouldn't have left it in a hole in the ground!
Lucifer: A filled-in hole in the middle of nowhere, which no one would've possibly found if not for you.
Charlotte: Yes. Well... there's that.
Lucifer: Besides, where else am I gonna hide it? Lux? You know how many people traipse through there each week?
Charlotte: Well, I don't know. Your bedroom, then.
Lucifer: Worse.
Linda: [as God sits with her] I'd like to thank God for... I missed you being up there. Thank you, God, for this food and the company. And... oceans. And napkins. And shoes. And light. And...
Lucifer: That about covers it, doctor. Amen.
Ben: What?
Lucifer: Well, you're not *that* handsome.
Ben: That's helpful. Thank you.
Lucifer: If your prints are on that can, that means someone must've broke into your house and stolen it from your wheelie bins.
Chloe: What?
Lucifer: Your trash.
Linda: The Angel of Death? Is he... uh, is he another one of your brothers?
Lucifer: Sister, actually.
Linda: The Angel of Death is a chick?
Lucifer: Yes, I sort of wish we were back to talking in metaphors.
Linda: That makes two of us.
- You see? Never easy.
- You have a futon, right?
Lucifer: There he is.
Lucifer: [about Charlotte] I'll never get to see her again.
Chloe: I know. I still can't believe it.
Lucifer: Well, at least you'll get to see her, Detective. Eventually. In heaven. But I, well, she's gone somewhere I simply can't follow.
Lucifer: How does this God Johnson know Samael, hmm? My name.
Amenadiel: Oh, wait, I know.
Lucifer: You do?
Amenadiel: The Internet! It's truly amazing what you can find online. Have you seen that video with the cat that jumps inside the box?
Lucifer: But me, I'm a wonder-seeker.
Chloe: You seek wonder?
Lucifer: Well, also drugs, debauchery and now certain extinct whiskeys.
Lucifer: Daniel, there you are. I need some advice in an area I assume you have extensive expertise. What does it mean when a woman recoils at your touch?
Lucifer: If you can't fix, decorate. Am I right?
Kylie the Rocker: Thank God you're okay.
Lucifer: He certainly had nothing to do with it.
- Hey, man, what's up?
Lucifer: Oh, Daniel.
- Is it too late for you to come back?
- I'm so sorry. You forgot something.
- All right, man. I'll be right there.
- Fantastic.
- Idiot.
Lucifer: These are the future leaders of America, Detective., engaging in sex, drugs, and... lecherous behavior. Makes me proud.
Lucifer: Well, I suppose I do know what it's like to fall. And also to rise.
Jed: In hindsight... that's when the relationship was at its best.
Lucifer: Better without sex? Not relatable.
Linda: Sounds like there's a lot of blame to go around.
Lucifer: Yes.
Linda: Is there anyone you might be leaving out?
Lucifer: Anyone I'm leaving out. Um... Oh, you're right. Yes.
[Dr. Martin looks hopeful]
Lucifer: If you'd fixed my existential problem earlier, none of this would have happened. Well, good on you for taking responsibility, Doctor. It's very noble.
[She sighs]
Ella: Time of death was two hours ago, but apparently he's been missing for almost two days.
Lucifer: Ooh, that's a long time on a sex rack. Not a record, but quite impressive.
Chloe: So, what now?
Lucifer: Well, I mean, I've obviously proven myself to be an invaluable crime-fighting tool. You're a pariah in the department. I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Don't you?
Chloe: Who the hell are you?
Lucifer: I told you, I'm...
Trixie: [running in and hugging him] Lucifer!
Lucifer: [obviously uncomfortable] Uh, yes. Hello, child. Um, just...
[picking her up and putting her on the bed]
Lucifer: Why don't you save some of this unpleasantness for your mother, yeah?
Lucifer: I was promised a gang war. Instead I get a cry baby. This is boring.
Lucifer: Ah, the diamond industry. Surely the greatest joke someone other than me played on the world. Thousands of dollars for lumps of old coal.
Lucifer: What's the point of extorting and murdering if you don't get to do what you desire? Even if it is, Dad help me, bocce ball.
Marcus: You must be Lucifer.
Lucifer: Morningstar, pleasure.
[puts out his hand]
Marcus: There was an investigation last year. We interviewed, what was it, 92 of your sexual partners? I think I'll refrain from physical contact if you don't mind.
[Lucifer scoffs]
Marcus: You don't seem reckless. Narcissistic, hedonistic. That I see.
Lucifer: Well, thank you very much.
Marcus: Not a compliment. Your file's as long as my johnson.
Lucifer: Quick read then?
Marcus: Hardly.
Lucifer: Well, I for one don't need a file to ascertain you haven't even had a snog in ages, have you?
Marcus: Accurate.
Lucifer: Ms Lopez, you are an enigma, wrapped in a hoodie under a jaunty ponytail.
Corrina: Maddie was a friend. The person who introduced me to the Glory Way. God, I can't believe that she's dead.
Chloe: I'm sorry. The glory what?
Lucifer: The glory hole.
Corrina: The Glory *Way*.
Lucifer: I must admit, he may be the one DJ who has even a modicum of talent. But then again, his ludicrous name negates that. I mean, "Karnal"? Really? Must everything be about sex?
[first lines]
Jacob: Save your soul! It's up to you! I ask you to repent! Repent your sins before it is too late! It is the end of times! The Devil walks among us!
Lucifer: Padre, you have no idea how right you are.
[chuckles]
Lucifer: But there's no need to be angry about it. Enjoy the ride.
Jacob: Bless you. Have you seen the face of the Devil?
Lucifer: Oh, every morning in the mirror, pal.
Jacob: Exactly! He's in all of us! In our every moment of weakness. Look at this world! The sin, the lust! It is the Devil's touch.
Lucifer: N-N-No, don't give me credit for all that. You humans do plenty all on your own.
Robert: Devon was the heart and soul of King Clay. I can't tell you how hard it's been.
Lucifer: [Believes he had an affair with the victim] Emphasis on the "hard."
Eve: On the way over, he kept showing off this really expensive necklace he made. Said it was for some Arab guy with a weird name.
[Tries to remember]
Eve: Byron? Buster?
Lucifer: Doesn't sound very Arab.
Eve: Basher?
Marcus: So you can take the girl out of the ecstasy biz, but you can't take the ecstasy biz out of the girl.
Lucifer: Well, actually, it's not ecstasy. It's more sort of a home-brew Adderall. It's very smooth.
[sniffles]
Marcus: [to Chloe] Did your partner just admit to snorting evidence?
Lucifer: The only thing I admit to is being very focused on this case.
Dan: Tech unlocked Sandra's laptop, found, recipes for synthetic chemical compounds all filed under the label "KPOP." It's a kind of music, right?
Lucifer: Dear. Poor Daniel, so behind the times. KPop is a kind of Ecstasy. It's one of the best kinds, actually.
Lucifer: [Reading "Class of 3001"] "Max was plagued with confusion. "If Jessica truly loved him, then why'd she kiss Tristan? "And in the back seat of her flying car, no less." This has sold millions of copies?
[Closes book]
Lucifer: Tongueless kissing and stealing liquor from their parents. I mean, where's the sex, the drugs? That robot rebellion cannot come soon enough.
- What?
Lucifer: Why?
- Why did you hurt her?
- Why?!
- I couldn't...
- Hurt her like that.
- Your Mark. It's gone.
Lucifer: You don't even have your powers.
Amenadiel: Yeah, thanks for that reminder, Luci.
Lucifer: Well, this case seems to be in very capable hands. So off I go.
Chloe: All right.
Lucifer: I mean, after all, you did take down the head of the Yakuza in single-hand combat. And defeat the Armenian mob in a rather spectacular car chase through Rome... although, strangely, it looked a lot more like Vancouver to me.
Chloe: Oh, god.
Lucifer: Not quite yet.
Lucifer: [to Chloe] I have never lied to you. I *will* never lie to you.
Chloe: Golden gun. It's unique and it sounds familiar.
Lucifer: Yes, Roger Moore's Bond films. Perhaps our killer's Scaramanga, the man with three nipples.
Chloe: "Church of the Dark Prince." Location is secret. Looks like you have to be a member. Geez, look at this questionnaire. Oh, and of course, There's a fee.
Lucifer: $200? Sinful.
Lucifer: I'm not the one who hid a gun up a puppet's backside. Or have all the puppets got guns in them? If so, I'll set my DVR.
Tyson: [after Lucifer speeds them to the edge of a cliff] I don't want to die! I'll come with you, tell you anything!
Lucifer: Smells like you might need a change of underpants first, Tyson.
Lucifer: I'll show you out, if you insist.
Charlotte: I'm not going anywhere.
Lucifer: The detective is annoying me with questions that clearly won't lead anywhere, so I need a favor.
Mazikeen: Favors are your thing, not mine.
Officer: Partner name and badge number!
Lucifer: Oh, for goodness' sake. Detective Decker. I'm afraid I don't know her badge number. But I'd say with certainty she's a 34-B, if that helps.
Uni: Checks out.
Lucifer: Well, of course it does... I'm never wrong when it comes to cup size.
Marcus: I'm still human. I still feel all the pain that comes with death. It's just the wounds heal.
Lucifer: Sounds like a bitch.
Marcus: Yeah, well, I don't have to tell you what sort of sick sense of humor your father has.
Lucifer: Clearly, I got the fashion sense in the family. Word of advice: I'd lose the trench coat, 'cause as it stands, it's less cool, brooding angel, more sort of "pedophile chic."
Lucifer: Could tie Tiernan to the anchor of one of his ships.
Eve: Mm-hmm.
Lucifer: Or a million paper cuts from his own hundred-dollar bills.
Eve: Great.
Lucifer: Oh, no, actually... I know a man who owns an emu farm. They're surprisingly bloodthirsty animals.
Lucifer: I'm here to stay, Maze. And I truly hate to disappoint you, but... well, this is where I have to be now. And I know, even with all the sex and drugs... and more sex, this isn't what you bargained for. And I know you made a vow, but...
Mazikeen: But nothing. I am with you, Lucifer, from now until the end.
Lucifer: Forget it, Trix. It's Chinatown.
Trixie: It's what?
Lucifer: Never mind.
Lucifer: Since you're here, you can help me decide. Moscow Midnight or Blue Lagoon?
Amenadiel: That's the same shirt.
[Lucifer gives him a look]
Chloe: [about a painting of the Devil] Looks just like you.
Lucifer: Pfft. I manscape.
Chloe: She could get life in prison.
Lucifer: That's a mere time-out in her lifespan.
Lucifer: We know that you found the totem, Judd. And we believe that Melinda stole it from you. So perhaps you found out and had a bit of a tiff?
Judd: [scoffs] What? You guys are high.
Lucifer: Oh, I wish.
Dan: You tortured a suspect?
Lucifer: I didn't lay a finger on the spineless cretin,
Chloe: Is it true you're the head of the Ferrante mob family?
Lucifer: Well, come on. Answer her.
Charlotte: [Defense lawyer instincts kick in] You do not need to answer that.
Frankie: I don't?
Charlotte: [Backtracks] ... But it would be helpful if you did.
Lucifer: Right. Enough of this "bad cop, worse cop."
Chloe: Go home. You're tired.
Lucifer: Okay. Fine. But, only if I can borrow these.
[Holds up her handcuffs]
Lucifer: I promise I'll bring them back.
Chloe: Please don't.
Lucifer: She is the best of both of us, and I am gonna get her back.
Lucifer: Daniel, as my own clock ticks away, I'm realizing it's less about what we do with our final hours and more about who we spend them with.
Lucifer: [as Trixie hands a lollipop to Maze] Oh, love me a lolli!
Trixie: Sorry, wussies don't get any.
[She gives a fist bump to Maze]
Herb: That millennial pervert has turned our little slice of heaven into a devil's playground.
Lucifer: Well, I'll be the judge of that.
Chloe: I'm just trying to piece together a timeline. A lot can happen in five minutes.
Lucifer: You can't be suggesting...
Chloe: ...That you slept with her? I'm not.
Lucifer: No. That I'm a two-pump chump. If we'd slept together, she wouldn't have left until the morning. Believe me.
Lucifer: Well... welcome to the club of parental deceit, child. It's a lonely place, but that's the price of being clever.
Linda: You cut them off, didn't you?
Lucifer: I did, yes. But then they grew back, so I cut them off again. It's like whack-a-mole back there.
Lucifer: Perhaps we shouldn't have borrowed from Maze. Her clothing is insufficient.
Charlotte: Yes. Half my hide is exposed. Human attire is very impractical.
Andy: It's called a "booty call." You ever have one?
Lucifer: Of course not. Booties call me.
Lucifer: [Arriving at Dr. Martin's office] Mum. What are you doing here?
Charlotte: Oh, you know, girl stuff
Lucifer: Naked girl stuff?
- I mean, could you be any worse of a shot?
Lucifer: Oh, come on.
- Che... it's like he's not even trying.
- Not her, you idiot... me!
- Shoot me!
- Drop your weapon now.
Lucifer: You're quite adorable when you're flustered.
Chloe: I... I'm not flustered. I'm nauseous.
Lucifer: Now you're blushing; I'd say I'm making headway.
Chloe: Okay, look, let me make myself perfectly clear. I will never, ever, ever sleep with you. Never. Okay? Got it?
Lucifer: Playing hard to get, I like it.
Chloe: When Hell freezes over, Lucifer...
Lucifer: I can arrange that, actually.
Lucifer: Isn't that the point of these programs, Detective? To show there's no such thing as stereotypes?
Chloe: Yeah.
Lucifer: That in real life a Mary Ann might be hiding inside the body of a Ginger, or vice versa, which is my personal preference, actually.
Lucifer: [final line] Oh, my me.
Lucifer: Isn't that a coincidence? Boy returns home, and, conveniently, his pops drops the next day? Lucky bastard.
Chloe: Maybe.
Linda: Forgiving yourself. It's not as easy as you think. It doesn't happen overnight.
Lucifer: Well, if you were still my therapist, I might listen to you.
Linda: No, you wouldn't.
Chloe: Any idea of how long it took the poison to activate?
Ella: Well, it's hard to say for sure, but best guess, maybe 24 hours?
Lucifer: I hope poor Ricky made 'em count. Enjoying what little life he had left with sex or friends.
Chloe: Or sex *with* friends.
[Lucifer stares at her, dumbfounded]
Chloe: I just figured that's where you were going with that.
Lucifer: Remember that container that was so inelegantly taken from me?
Chloe: The one I was convinced was hiding something?
Lucifer: Yes, well, it wasn't just nesting dolls that I was looking for. There was something else, something... personal that was missing when we got there.
Chloe: I knew it. Lucifer, what was in there?
Lucifer: My angel wings.
Lucifer: I'm telling you. Obi Wan Can't-See-Me is Maggie's only hope.
Lucifer: You're a bad man. And I'm not. I'm much, much worse than that.
Chloe: Ella, are any of these pieces here big enough to get a partial from?
Ella: Probably not. But, hey, someone invented glue for a reason. Right?
Chloe: You're going to reassemble all those pieces?
Lucifer: I'm fairly certain there are people in Hell being forced to do exactly that right now.
Ella: Oh, I was the kind of kid who did jigsaw puzzles picture-side down.
Lucifer: I'm not sure what lead I'm following here, but am I supposed to let them punch me, too?
Dan: What? No. I screwed up. Okay, Lucifer? I let my anger get the better of me and now Chloe's gonna pay for it.
Lucifer: What, so this isn't some elaborate game of bloody possum?
Dan: Of course not!
Lucifer: Oh, well, in that case...
[Escapes his bindings]
Lucifer: The Devil gets burned by fire. Could this be any more ironic? Does my pain amuse you, Detective?
Chloe: A little bit.
Mazikeen: So, you lost a 14-year-old kid.
[Points at Dan]
Mazikeen: And she stole your badge
[Points at Lucifer]
Mazikeen: And your car?
[laughs hysterically]
Dan: It's annoying, isn't it?
Lucifer: Well, it is when she does it.
Lucifer: [to Eve's uber driver] Right, get her home safely, alright... Hold on. You're not Rafael with five stars.
Kid: [Pulls out gun] The necklace. Now!
Lucifer: I am canceling this ride.
Lucifer: The last person I opened up to, I hurt. A lot. Let alone I've hurt my own flesh and blood. It's all I seem to be able to do.
Linda: The real truth is what?
Lucifer: There is something rotten inside of me. I find it near impossible to drown out the constant cacophony of voices whispering in my ear, telling me I am evil. I'm drowning, doctor! And I can't stop asking myself... why do I hate myself so much?
Lucifer: I sympathize with what Daniel's going through, but I refuse to be a scapegoat for which something I bear no responsibility. It's a theme in my life.
Marcus: My brother is in Hell?
Lucifer: Yes, of course. In fact, he's our oldest tenant.
Marcus: I knew it. Do you know how many times I've tried to tell people Abel is the asshat? No one ever believes me.
Ella: [about victim] A fellow nerd. I'm sure you're in a better place now.
Lucifer: Well, even if she's in the worst place, it'd be far more interesting than this, because this poor lady, definitely a shoe.
Ella: How far do you think a frog could fall and live?
Lucifer: Sounds like a fun experiment. For us, not the frog. You're welcome to use my penthouse if you wish.
Ella: I'm not going to do that, Lucifer.
Lucifer: In my time here on Earth, I've learned everyone deserves a second chance. Even me. Even you, Michael.
Lucifer: So what if Amenadiel is playing doctor with the doctor? So our old flames are having a fling. I don't care. Why should you?
Lucifer: Now, this poor victim, *she* is boring.
Chloe: We don't know anything about her.
Lucifer: Oh, don't we?
[Looks around apartment]
Lucifer: Generic artwork, dull clothes, beige furniture. I mean, even her fruit bowl's so tragically safe... No mangoes, no papayas. Not even a measly avocado.
Lucifer: Oh, no. Mounting my wings, like some decorative stag head.
Chloe: Okay, a list of everyone you've slept with in the last eight weeks.
Lucifer: Right, you'll need a much bigger notepad.
Linda: Let's start thinking about Rory, and how she's feeling.
Lucifer: Odd. That's what Maze said.
Linda: That is odd
Chloe: Okay, last night was a fluke. For both of us. Never happened, leave it at that.
Lucifer: Right. You snore, by the way. Like an Albanian field wench!
Ella: I know, God works in mysterious ways, and bad things happen for a reason. But this many bad things...
[Exhales]
Ella: I just... I'm having a hard time finding any reason. Why would He do all this?
Lucifer: Well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't actually think it's my Father's fault.
Ella: Thank God Pierce held off on releasing the scene until we did a third sweep. We may have never found it.
Lucifer: Oh, I guarantee you wouldn't have.
Lucifer: What sort of casino back room is this anyway? I mean, where's the dangling lightbulb and the bloodstained floor? Where's Joe Pesci?
[Looks at the guards]
Lucifer: It seems maiming us isn't even in their agenda. Quite frankly, I'm disappointed, gentlemen.
Linda: Okay, so, how do you angels work? I know Amenadiel can slow time, and your other brother Uriel could predict patterns. So why is your gift desire?
Lucifer: Well, that's a good question, actually, I suppose. When I first went to angel school, they sorted us into different houses for different powers.
Linda: There's a school for angels?
Lucifer: No.
[laughs]
Lucifer: There's no Hogwarts in the sky.
Marcus: We just spent the last half hour wandering past billboards of women's lingerie.
Lucifer: And your problem is?
Ira the Beardy Hipster: Secrets are part of the game, but they're part of life, too. At the end of the day, aren't we all putting on a facade?
Lucifer: Well, I know I am.
[Whispers to Chloe]
Lucifer: Pretending that these people don't stink like a pack of wildebeests. Do they actually bathe on this show?
Kylie the Rocker: I can hear you!
Lucifer: Can you? But can you smell me?
Lucifer: I came here to help you, Jimmy.
- Then you tell me your desire.
- I don't want her to go.
- At the time being, this...
- Well, this will have to suffice.
Chloe: Finally some rain. Maybe someone up there is looking out for us.
Lucifer: I can assure you He's in no way meteorologically-inclined. Apart from the whole Noah thing and that was a one-off.
Ella: The whole point of a favor is to do it for free, okay? And then you just trust the love will come back to you somehow. Favors are about faith.
Lucifer: Ugh. Please don't ruin favors for me.
Dan: Stay away from me. Don't hurt me.
Lucifer: Says the man who shot me.
Lucifer: [after Chloe Decker takes Lucifer's joint and stamps on it] No, it's puff, puff, pass, not puff, puff, stomp angrily!
Amenadiel: You've spent more time with humanity, you may understand them better than I do.
Lucifer: Well, most of that time, I was naked, but true nonetheless.
Lucifer: [Walking right past a couple of bodyguards] Hello chaps, just looking for the head of a big drug cartel. Is he home? Vicky?
Lucifer: The guru with the doo-doo juju has been picked up.
Lucifer: Okay, you've all been chosen to help with a very special mission called "Operation: Help Lucifer Escape from the Hospital".
God: Mm, it's a little on the nose, son.
Lucifer: You are literally the judgiest person in the universe.
- That is unfortunate.
- But I still don't understand why you need me on this case.
- Roll her over.
- That's why.
Lucifer: "Hail Lucifer"?
- J'j'
Chloe: [Watching a video of Maze apparently stabbing a guy] You told her to blow off some steam?
Lucifer: Well, I was really hoping she'd choose Catalina.
Chloe: Beckett Wilson. She was the doctor's next patient. She found the body, she was pretty shaken up.
Lucifer: Talk about shock therapy.
- And if you can't,
- I can just shoot you in the face, put you out of your misery, no?
Lucifer: No, Vincent.
- Nobody will be shooting anyone in the face.
- Clearly, you're going to need a little more time.
- Uh, that'll be the doughnuts and the pastries for you, Vincent.
Chloe: What?
Lucifer: I promise you
- I can get to that antidote without harming myself.
Chloe: How?
Lucifer: We don't have time to explain.
- Do you trust me?
Chloe: Yes.
Lucifer: Then go.
- Go!
Lucifer: So what have we got, Booth?
Chloe: Booth?
Lucifer: Yes, the FBI agent on "Bones".
Chloe: The TV show?
Lucifer: Uh-huh. Watched all 12 seasons. It's riveting stuff. It's like watching a documentary of us.
Lucifer: I need to have a child.
Lucifer: And then there's potential reason number 55 the detective would accept Pierce's proposal: drugs. EUI... Engaged Under the Influence.
Erik: All the chuckle bunnies talk.
Chloe: The what?
Erik: Chicks who like to have sex with comedians.
Lucifer: There's a term for that? I should get a term. Devil bunnies. No. Lucifans.
Lucifer: Oh, you're right. No time for a quick drink, then.
Chloe: We're on duty.
Lucifer: You are the oldest young person I've ever met! And coming from an immortal, that's saying something.
Lucifer: [to Dan] People like you. they find you helpful, like duct tape or a trusty socket wrench. I want you to teach me your secret. I want you to show me how to be a tool.
Lucifer: I get it now. So your boring attire is like camo for the average Joe. Blend in, catch the baddie off guard. Afterwards they'll forget you're even there. That is very clever, Daniel.
Dan: [Goes to approach suspect] Rodney Lam. LAPD. No sudden moves. You're under arrest.
[No response]
Dan: Rodney?
Lucifer: ...Maybe we blend in so well he doesn't even see us.
Mazikeen: I asked you to talk. And you blow me off and hide in a freezer? I thought we were past all of this.
Lucifer: Oh, sure, yeah, thought I'd just hang around in here like a frozen side of beef just to avoid you. Hello! I was a prisoner!
Lucifer: Look, I know you think I'm a bad guy, but I'm simply trying to catch our dear friend Malcolm so I can tear his arms and legs off. This has nothing to do with you.
Chloe: You know I can't let you do that.
- Yeah.
- Sure. Send me the details.
- All right.
Lucifer: Detective...
- Do you mind if we make a stop on the way?
- I mean, this shirt's more of a loaner, really.
Chloe: He told me about a prophecy.
Lucifer: [Scoffs] Right. What is it this time? Frogs about to start falling from the sky, or... perhaps 'winter is coming'.
Lucifer: Right. Attractive female cop struggling to be taken seriously in a man's man's world - that it?
Chloe: Yeah, something like that.
Lucifer: Well, they're threatened. You're clearly smart and have notable instincts. Ignore them. Trust yourself.
Lucifer: [about Lenore, the wife of a former mobster] Or she found out the truth about the man she loved and it drove her away. What do you think she would have felt in that moment? Horror? Disgust? Mild arousal?
Chloe: I actually have a plan. But in order for it to work, you need to do exactly what I say. No more going off grid, no more destroying trace evidence, no more Luciferness. Is that clear?
Lucifer: As a chilled vodka martini. Served neat, of course.
Lucifer: To truly go full Detective, I require a partner who's clever and unpredictable, handsome, sexual.
[Looks at Dan]
Lucifer: Suppose one out of four will suffice. Well done, Daniel.
Dan: Wow. Which one of the four am I?
Lucifer: Mum, this is Candy, my wife. I'm sorry that we didn't invite you to the wedding. We just decided no enemies.
Lucifer: Oh, phones... They can be so distracting.
Chloe: You are lucky my daughter likes you so much.
Lucifer: Yes, I'm starting to respect the deceptive little parasite.
Chloe: Oh, well, that's nice.
- Well, slightly better than good.
Lucifer: But I meant as a person, Linda.
- I hope you know that you truly are one of the most wonderful friends that the devil could ever have.
- I do now, Lucifer.
Lucifer: Sorry. Hate to interrupt the canoodling. Which I am so okay with. It doesn't fill me with mistrust at all. But duty calls, Detective.
Lucifer: I don't believe I've seen you since...
Lilith: Marie Antoinette's coming-out party.
Lucifer: And come out she did. Shame what happened to her.
Chloe: This is the longest you've ever gone without talking. *Ever*. Is something on your mind?
Lucifer: Nothing. That's the problem.
Traffic: You know why I pulled you over?
Lucifer: Well, obviously, you felt the need to exercise your limited powers and punish me for ignoring the speed limit. It's okay. I understand. I-I like to punish people, too. Or at least I used to.
Devin: [Outside a gated nudist community] Sorry, but rules are rules. You want to go inside, you got to get naked. Either that or get a warrant.
Chloe: Fine. I'll get a warrant.
[Turns around, sees Lucifer has stripped]
Chloe: Lucifer!
Lucifer: Oh, when in Rome, detective.
Chloe: Please put some clothes on. We are professionals. Ella, see if you can get a warrant from Judge...
[Sees Ella is also naked]
Chloe: Vickers.
Ella: Bucket list?
Marcus: Turns out Abel killing me didn't remove the mark.
Lucifer: Mm-hmm. Yes, I got that from the whole "you still being alive" of it all.
Chloe: What are you doing here?
Lucifer: I'm here because I could really use your expertise. You're not busy, are you?
Chloe: Actually, shocker, I am busy. And it's really not a good day for... your... Luciferness.
Charlotte: Detective
Dan: Counselor.
Lucifer: Douche.
Dan: Dick.
Lucifer: Those are the personal notes from the actor who played Diablo. He had a fascinating insight into the character. Some wild theories about self-loathing, but we can't get it all right.
Amenadiel: I know who did this.
Lucifer: I'll drive.
Lucifer: A celestial impregnating a human... How is it even possible?
Amenadiel: And, if it is, how has this not already happened to you?
Lucifer: True.
Father: I got word from a colleague of mine in Rome that she'd met with a priest who was hell-bent on banishing the devil from Earth.
Lucifer: And you all get paid to do this? I'm genuinely asking.
Lucifer: You tried waterboarding?
Mazikeen: Twice.
Lucifer: Bamboo under the nails?
Mazikeen: Do I look like an amateur?
Lucifer: Nickelback on repeat?
Mazikeen: That's where I started.
Dromos: What's so great about Earth anyway?
Lucifer: Well, no offense, but the company's far greater, the work more interesting, and the liquor far superior.
[Takes a drink]
Lucifer: Mm! And I've just become an uncle and someone needs to teach my nephew about sex, 'cause, well, my brother's certainly not capable.
Lucifer: [to valet] Return it with so much as a scratch, and I'll see you in Hell.
Lucifer: Adam? Where's that barrel of laughs?
Eve: Still up there. Where everyone is always so... happy.
Lucifer: But not you?
Eve: Mm. I always felt like something was... missing.
Lucifer: Hello, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Really?
Lucifer: How's the album sales doing?
Jimmy: What album?
Chloe: Soundtrack to "Time Will Tell," which you produced. Whitney Houston hit the top ten for album sales after her death. Michael Jackson hit the stratosphere. Not sure you'll achieve such heights having Delilah killed, but that sure is a boatload of royalty checks headed your way. Guess you really needed the cash, huh? Which is why you had to pay the shooter with your watch.
Lucifer: The watch Delilah gave you. Now, that's just sick. But then you are, so...
Chloe: [drawing her gun as he grabs a hostage] Hey, Jimmy?
Jimmy: I made her, and she ruined me. She humiliated me. She owes me.
Lucifer: You're not God, Jimmy. You didn't make her. But you did destroy her. So I'm gonna punish you.
Jimmy: You back off, you freak. I mean it. I am not going to jail for that bitch. No chance.
Chloe: Listen to him, Lucifer. Back off.
Lucifer: I told you, it's fine. I'm immortal.
Ella: I'm still not straight with the big guy. Not sure I ever will be.
Lucifer: Well, his loss if so, Miss Lopez.
Chloe: Did you bring the tapes?
Adrian: Sorry, but no.
Chloe: What? Why not?
Charlotte: [entering the conference room] Because I told him not to. I'm Mr. Yates' attorney and the LAPD isn't laying a finger on those tapes.
Lucifer: [surprised] Mum?
Lucifer: What's your greatest desire?
Grace: My greatest desire... is to stop shooting this exploitative garbage.
Lucifer: Garbage? What are you talking about? What you're doing is art.
Chloe: Is it, though?
Lucifer: Well, despite the unwelcome reminder of Dad and my wings, I've never wanted pudding more in my life.
Lucifer: Careful. I know how to handle snakes.
Lucifer: So you're inside the man that murdered you?
Dan/Vincent: Yeah.
Lucifer: Daniel! Only you could do something so completely, absurdly ridiculous.
Lucifer: What is it that you really desire?
Esther: I... I... want to stop posing and lying!
[Emotional]
Esther: It takes so much effort to make these pics look so effortless. It's exhausting!
Lucifer: Well, so you're saying it's just all a facade?
Esther: I don't even know what that word means! I'm not worldly at all!
Lucifer: Detective Douche... Daniel. Dan. Why don't you put down the knife, hmm? Bury the proverbial hatchet and all that? I mean, I know we've had our differences in the past, but we're friends now, right?
Dan: You ruined my marriage.
Lucifer: I'll take that as a no.
Lucifer: I take the vows of marriage very seriously.
Chloe: And that's why you chose an idiotic, bedazzled tweener as your partner.
Dan: Why leave the murder weapon behind?
Chloe: Maybe whoever did this freaked out and ran? We've seen it before.
Lucifer: Yes, we have, from the lowest form of scum on earth... like Pierce.
Chloe: Amenadiel. You're my dad?
Amenadiel: [laughs, then clear throat] Of course not.
Chloe: So "laid a blessing" isn't a euphemism?
Lucifer: Well, not in this case, at least.
Father: I'm not afraid of dying.
Lucifer: Well, you should be. It's really boring where you're headed.
Lucifer: Just don't give me your "resting Pierce face."
Chloe: If I'm gonna be forced to work with you again, I call the shots.
Lucifer: You most certainly do. Right in the leg.
Amenadiel: I think you might be in danger.
Lucifer: Well, is it the Yakuza? The Nephilim? One Million Moms?
Lucifer: [after Charlotte attacks him] What did you expect me to do? Stab you with the blade and have it be ignited by my joy?
Lucifer: How am I going to find the Detective without the Detective?
- So, we're still good to be roomies, right?
Linda: Ineed you to be honest with me about who you are.
- No more lies.
Lucifer: Very well.
Lucifer: Well, you say "time loop." I say "opportunity for a surprisingly lucrative tax break."
Lucifer: My clever detective.
Reese: I just want Linda to love me.
Lucifer: You're still in love with your ex? What about your wife?
Reese: She *is* my wife.
Jack: You get a description?
Gertie: Sure, sure. Handsome. Kind of beefy. Short-haired, strong jaw. Usually wears a plain blue suit. Oh! And an eye patch.
Lucifer: Well, you might have led with that.
Chloe: [about the one-legged choreographer] He's also the creator of America's Next Prima Ballerina, the show that Reina was gonna host, until she reneged on her deal and it cost him a fortune.
Lucifer: Right. Well, I don't see why he wouldn't take such a loss in stride.
[laughs]
Lucifer: You see what I did there? "In stride"?
Lucifer: You can't understand, Detective. And you never will.
Chloe: Well, if you won't talk to me, then... please, talk to someone else. You have a therapist. Talk to her, before it eats you alive.
Lucifer: There was a picture of our dead man standing next to a very distinctive décolletage.
Amenadiel: You identified a human by her boobs?
Mazikeen: What? Are you still upset about me trying to betray you and kill you? That was a month ago.
Lucifer: No, of course not. What do you think I am? Human?
Delilah: Did I... sell my soul to the Devil?
Lucifer: Well, that would imply the Devil's actually interested in your soul.
Lucifer: Do you have to bring a bounty back alive? Would just the head suffice? 'Cause that is her thing. Maybe we could just super glue him back together on delivery.
Lucifer: [laughs, while looking at Chloe's phone] Oh, full of '90s jams, I see. The Bangles, N'Sync, Right Said Fred?
Chloe: Give me the phone back.
Lucifer: I mean, seriously, Detective, your music queue alone is enough to disqualify you from this case.
Lucifer: Never fear, Luci-Dan is here. Or is it Douche-ifer?
Linda: You don't know why for sure your wings have returned.
Lucifer: They've returned because Dad is a control freak. He's pissed off that He can't get Mum back, so He stuck my wings back on. But I am not His Mr. Potato Head.
Lucifer: There's not a scratch, Detective. Impressive marksmanship.
Chloe: Actually, I was aiming for you.
Lucifer: I mean, seriously, a community center? This is where we'll find the deadly Yellow Viper?
Chloe: According to his parole officer.
Chloe: Oh, after five years behind bars, a brothel would be my go-to.
Lucifer: [about Azrael's blade] What am I supposed to do, dip it in some whiskey and light a match?
Charlotte: Last time it caught flame, you were angry, so think about your Father, that should do it. L
Lucifer: All right.
[Stares at the knife dramatically. Nothing happens]
Lucifer: Nope. Right, back to my whiskey plan.
Lucifer: Miss Lopez is stronger than you think. Stronger than she thinks.
Lucifer: Well, guess what, brother, you don't need to kill me, because I'm done here. I've had my fun on Earth, and...
[Lucifer sighs]
Lucifer: there's no reason for me to stay anymore. You win. I'll go willingly. Please, just... take me back to Hell.
Amenadiel: No.
Amenadiel: What, there's no music in Hell?
Lucifer: Only for torture and usually out of tune. Lately, we've been playing music by this chap named Bieber. Gosh, you should hear the screams.
Amenadiel: Mom is not going anywhere!
Lucifer: Well, I am afraid that we do not have a choice, Brother!
Lucifer: It's just your friendly neighborhood Devil.
Mazikeen: Prick got what he deserved.
Lucifer: He was my brother.
Linda: [about Amenadiel] if what you say is true...
Lucifer: What? That he's got a stick so far up his ass you can see it when he yawns?
Linda: That he's a fallen angel.
Lucifer: Oh, yes, that, too.
Eve: "When the devil walks the earth and meets his first love"; means you consider me to be your... first love. Ergo! You love me.
[Kisses him]
Eve: Oh, my God! I can't believe you said it first. I've been dying to say it for so long.
Lucifer: Have you? Interesting you should focus on that part of the prophecy, when evil being released really is the relevant part.
Lucifer: What do you do when someone has betrayed you? Normally I'd go straight to punishment, fire, brimstone, public humiliation via YouTube.
- I'll be...
- I'll be the new you.
- Okay, I've never once done that.
Lucifer: My point exactly.
- Meet Lucinda. Come on.
- Gosh, this is gonna be harder than I thought.
Lucifer: [to Mazikeen] Room mates? You and detective Decker? Hoh... no no no no no no. And have I mentioned no. And also: no!
Mazikeen: You're not my boss anymore.
Lucifer: Well, that may be. But I can't have the women in my life teaming up. I'll be outnumbered. Dad forbid you manage to have sex with her before I do.
Marco: Who the hell puts green onions and ranch dressing on a sandwich? You better hope that your friends are better at finding people than they are at taking food orders. 'Cause I'm beginning to lose my patience!
Chloe: [Whispering] Dan wouldn't make a mistake like that.
Lucifer: Are you sure? I once saw him eat a marble 'cause it was in a candy dish.
Lucifer: I've gotten to know all of you in my time here, which is what makes this, my final case, so difficult.
[Turns to guy]
Lucifer: Dougie, in the motor pool, who helped put a siren on my car, thank you for that.
[Turns to young uni]
Lucifer: Cacuzza, in evidence, who always let me inspect the cocaine seizures first.
[chuckles]
Lucifer: And you, nameless uni, I think I'll miss you most of all.
Lucifer: [Looking at his burnt arm and scoffs] The Devil gets burned by fire. Could this be any more ironic?
[Decker chuckles at the statement]
Lucifer: Ah. Does my pain amuse you, Detective?
Chloe: A little bit.
- Just shoot me, detective, please.
- Because maybe you'll finally realize...
- Son of a bitch, that really hurts.
Lucifer: She shot me, and I bled.
- That's not possible.
- Well, don't think about it too much; It's exciting.
- The fun's just begun.
Axara: So you're gonna be my bodyguard? Are you even a real cop?
Lucifer: Consultant, actually.
Chloe: What if Esther found out about Benji and Kim? Got jealous, lost control...
Lucifer: This goddess, jealous of the plain Jane? It's-it's ludicrous! It's like me being jealous of that paper clip. Or Daniel.
Lilith: My children are perfect. They can't be banished, because they have no home. Can't be abandoned, because they have no family.
Lucifer: They'll never be cast out of the proverbial garden.
Lilith: You can never tell them what I've done today, Lucifer. Not if they are going to be unbreakable.
Sinnerman: It really is true, how the other senses kick in once one is removed.
Lucifer: I can remove a few others if you'd like.
Charlotte: For the first time since I woke up on that beach, I thought, "Finally, something that makes sense. Of course I'm sleeping with Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome." Uh... uh... But now you're saying that's not... not even that's the case?
Lucifer: Look, I can assure you that you and I have not or will not ever, ever, ever... sleep together.
Dan: Great work, Lucifer.
Lucifer: Take that back!
Marcus: It's now time for Plan "C."
Lucifer: I didn't realize we had one.
Marcus: We don't. But we'll think of something.
Lucifer: I don't understand why she won't help me.
Linda: May I remind you that you did break her trust and kidnap a man while working on a case together.
Lucifer: Well, technically, we kidnapped each other.
Chloe: Oh, are you praying or-...
Lucifer: Yes, usually works. He must've gone for a wank or something.
- with that mentally ill nightclub owner, w-what's-his-name.
Erika: [ecstatic] Lucifer!
- Lucifer!
Lucifer: That's right, say my name. Say my name.
Charlotte: Lucifer?
- Is anyone here?
Mazikeen: I talked to the copycat. Well, "talk" isn't exactly the right word.
Lucifer: Well, did he scream anything of value?
Lucifer: Do you mind if I play the me's advocate for just a second?
Chloe: Lucifer...
Lucifer: Ah! Speak of the me.
Marcus: What do I have to lose?
Lucifer: Well, hopefully, your life.
Lucifer: Chloe. Is my chin...?
Chloe: Butt-like.
Lucifer: I was going to say "amazing in real life". Butt-like?
Lucifer: You parents, always with your lessons. Or as I like to call them, mind games. Well, I'm about to get to the bottom of my Father's latest.
[Enters interrogation room]
Lucifer: It's Charlotte time!
[Sees middle-aged man]
Lucifer: You're not Charlotte.
Larry: And yet people get us confused, like, all the time.
Ella: Same injection mark, same binding technique, same cause of death.
Chloe: And no B&E
Lucifer: Feels like a Hell loop.
- Who stole them?
- They were yours.
- No, don't!
Lucifer: Someone's got them, mazikeen.
- Someone's got my wings.
- Sure. Why don't we talk about it over game night?
- Oh, wait. That's something you only do with Trixie, who is not even his real daughter.
Chloe: Rory!
- I do not believe this.
- You guys, come over here.
Lucifer: Game night happened twice.
Mazikeen: [about Dr. Martin] How about proof of all the good she's done? Like this guy. Lucifer Morningstar.
Lucifer: Oh, that's quite flattering.
Mazikeen: ...The worst patient anyone could ask for. He is a back-stabbing, selfish, narcissistic little devil. He's greedy...
Nigel: Is there a point to this?
Lucifer: Yes, I'm wondering the same thing.
Lucifer: How is the Silver City?
Amenadiel: Still Silver. Still a City.
Chloe: Did you notice anything strange in the last few days? Any unusual behavior?
Timmy: Like what?
Lucifer: Like someone carrying a small apothecary bottle marked with a skull and crossbones perhaps?
Lucifer: Honesty. The engineer of my demise.
Lucifer: Oh, I don't need your help anymore.
Chloe: Then why are you still here?
Lucifer: Because this case matters to you. Therefore it matters to me. We- we're partners, Detective.
Nigel: You slept with your therapist?
Lucifer: What? O-only in the beginning. Then she decided that I shouldn't pay for therapy with sex. So, such strong morals, don't you think?
Lucifer: Oh, His plan for me was quite clear.
Father: How do you know it's finished?
Marcus: How do you know that he's God's favorite?
Lucifer: It's a long story, involving a flaming sword and a space vagina. But the quick version: a book said it, so it must be true.
Chloe: Have you ever considered donating any of your vast fortune to charity?
Lucifer: I've put many a nubile law student through college, thank you very much, several of which were named Charity, so...
Lucifer: The three signs of puberty: acne, pubes, and wings.
Axara: You can make yourself useful. Unless that's just a prop.
[Gestures to his piano]
Lucifer: Prop? Please. Mozart, Liberace, Elton.
Axara: Who?
Lucifer: All the greats were my pupils.
Linda: Lucifer, what makes you so sure you'd go to Hell?
Lucifer: In case you've missed it, doctor, I've been banned from Heaven. There's no where else for me to go.
Linda: And you're sure there's no other way to get there? I mean, dying?
Lucifer: Well, if anyone has a better suggestion, by all means, speak up now. Quite frankly, I'd prefer to Uber there.
Lucifer: Detective, I think I'm the killer.
Ella: The ballet shoe had traces of olive oil, Evian and beeswax.
Lucifer: So our killer's a bumblebee with expensive taste?
Chloe: You're the devil. But you're also an angel.
Lucifer: I'm not sure that I am an angel anymore.
Chloe: What do you mean?
Lucifer: After I killed Pierce when my devil face returned... I never checked to see if my wings were still there. I still haven't. Afraid that they're gone. For good reason.
Chloe: Well, you know... I think you should look. Maybe you'll be surprised at what you find.
Lucifer: Well... I never thought I'd say this, but... enjoy the rest of your life.
Lucifer: I grant you... entrée to all things me. And give me your phone.
Amenadiel: Okay.
Lucifer: Right. Now you have access to all my social media accounts: Instagram, Snapchat, Grindr...
Lucifer: [Lucifer finishes singing Creep. a gun cocks next to his head] Have I played that song too much? I have, haven't I? Still, there are less drastic ways to put in a new song request. What's your poison? Poison? Abba?
Lee: Revenge.
Lucifer: I'm not familiar. But if you hum a few bars, I bet I can keep up.
Lucifer: Where have you tracked Maze tracking her bounty to now?
Chloe: Yeah, okay. A taxi theft in Vancouver. A brawl with a curling team in Montreal. Oh, and the, uh, "bear attack" that happened in Prince Edward Island I think was her, too.
Amenadiel: So that's who you were with... Chloe and Trixie. Well, so much for wine, women and song.
Lucifer: Technically, all of those things were represented, when you count the post-game karaoke.
Lucifer: How did you move on from the detective when I showed up and replaced you?
[pause]
Lucifer: And please, don't say improv.
Dan: You didn't replace me.
Lucifer: Well, true, true. I suppose that would imply we're on the same level.
Azrael: I mean, you know Ella, there's just something about her. She's so positive, she makes you feel like...
Lucifer: Good about yourself.
Azrael: Yeah, exactly.
- I'm okay.
Lucifer: Right.
- Well, I'd stay for the family reunion, but it's giving me terrible ibs.
- So, look forward to seeing you soon, Chloe.
- I don't.
- Bye, now.
- Glad you're not dead.
Mazikeen: You were shot and you bled. No sharp objects until we find out why.
Lucifer: Oh, quite the opposite. The danger of getting hurt's positively thrilling.
Chloe: Okay, so we're looking for Les Klumpsky.
Lucifer: Gesundheit.
Lucifer: Oh, no, no. Not this. Better a snuff movie, a human centipede, clown porn, but not improv!
Linda: And you don't remember how the figurine got into your bedroom?
Lucifer: No. I mean, maybe it's a housewarming gift or... or a sex toy. Or a housewarming gift sex toy.
Lucifer: Nothing screams weekend like tequila and scantily-clad women. And tequila. Cheers.
Mazikeen: It's Wednesday.
Lucifer: There's a good chance the doctor won't be able to revive me. And we don't want me to stay dead, do we?
[Amenadiel shrugs]
Lucifer: That was a rhetorical question.
Lucifer: I see the cocaine is working.
Ella: [Speaking a mile a minute] Really? How can you tell? I don't feel any different.
Lucifer: The detective isn't here, which means I'm invulnerable and you're not, so... sit... down. Or I'll make you.
Marcus: Lucifer...
Lucifer: For every lie, I will break a body part.
Linda: And you've left Hell behind to take a vacation in Los Angeles?
Lucifer: Well, where else would I go?
Lucifer: Have you ever heard of someone named the Sinnerman?
Amenadiel: The Sinnerman? No. Why?
Lucifer: That's who kidnapped me. At first, I thought it was a... an emissary on Earth working on Dad's behalf, but then, the more I think about it, the more I think... maybe this isn't our Father who art in Heaven at all. But something much, much darker.
Chloe: But I'm sure your father has a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Lucifer: I do, thank you. Maze was about to kill the first man, whom she used to scare the first woman away, so I had to go and nab some bride-soothing demons, aka, half the guest list.
Chloe: Maybe not perfectly normal, but...
Sheila: Jokes don't make a comedian. Everyone has an itchy butt joke. It's all about what you do with it.
Lucifer: What you do with your itchy butt?
Sheila: With the joke!
Lucifer: Sorry, ladies, but it's hard for me to enjoy a triple-Decker with my mother's hands all over it.
Lucifer: Hello, Wyrzbeski. Tell me, apart from a more pronounceable name, what do you desire?
Wyrzbeski: Is this about Secret Santa? 'Cause you're not supposed to ask people what they want. That gives it away.
Lucifer: Family. Can't live with them, no longer have the tools to banish them to an alternate universe.
Amenadiel: Honestly, Luci, who cares how you spend your nights?
Lucifer: Um, *everyone*. My exciting lifestyle gives regular people something to aspire to. I provide hope.
Chloe: Daniel Moore, vegan chef. Curiously found with raw meat in his mouth.
Lucifer: Ah. So vegans can't enjoy a healthy sex life?
Chloe: Ella's working on cause of death.
Lucifer: Well, he obviously drowned in this vat of semen.
Chloe: It's pudding, Lucifer.
Lucifer: Sure, I've heard it called that, too.
Melvin the Magnificent: For just twelve dollars, our deluxe ceremony of Anubis includes this ceremonial mask, two acolytes, and a drum made from the skin of a Vestal Virgin, a gilded sacrificial dagger, and one live... chicken!
Lucifer: It never ends well for the chicken.
Melvin the Magnificent: Or you might prefer our economy package. Only six dollars! And the chicken heart comes pre-sacrificed for your convenience.
Dan: You better stay out of it, or I swear to God, you're gonna be sorry.
Lucifer: Must we bring my Father into this?
Lucifer: He's a spry one. Or she. No sign of her anywhere. I mean, him. This is head-spinning, isn't it?
Lucifer: Oh, my gosh, that's her, in the flesh. That's Misty Canyons. Oh, my gosh! That's Penis Demilo. Ha! What is this, nirvana? Do all porn stars reside in L.A.?
Amenadiel: [about the corvette] Don't you need some sort of key to start it?
Lucifer: You know me, Brother. I can turn anything on.
Lucifer: This whole relationship nonsense... How am I supposed to know what she's thinking?
Dan: That's man's eternal question, bro.
Lucifer: [about a dead chicken on an alter] If that's supposed to be an offering to me, I decline on grounds of salmonella.
Chloe: Is there anything I need to know about how to fight a demon?
Lucifer: Not really. Just that they are super strong, scary and mean. Like Maze.
Eve: The Mayan! That's it!
Chloe: Okay, it's a venue. Rents to concerts, and also, I think, church groups.
Lucifer: Sex, drugs, rock and roll and my dad. That sounds like the oxymoronic venue we're after.
Lucifer: It'd be much faster in person, Daniel. I could seduce the truth out of them.
Dan: Bro, there are 30 nuns there. I doubt that's faster.
Lucifer: Well, it's certainly more fun.
Lucifer: Detective, this is a chance for me to use my devilish strength. You can see what I'm truly capable of.
Chloe: Or I can just point my gun at him and yell, "Freeze!"
Chloe: This isn't gonna work.
Lucifer: I agree. A gingham pocket square can be a bit aggressive, but I'm feeling it.
Lucifer: Well, I don't know why they called him Lucky Larry. This apartment is literally the most depressing hovel I've ever seen, and I've seen Kafka's Hell loop.
Linda: God cast you out because He needed you to do the most difficult of jobs. It was a gift.
Lucifer: Gift? He shunned me. He vilified me. He made me a torturer! Can you even begin to fathom what it was like? Eons spent providing a place for dead mortals to punish themselves? I mean, why do they blame me for all their little failings? As if I'd spent my days sitting on their shoulder, forcing them to commit acts they'd otherwise find repulsive. "Oh, the Devil made me do it." I HAVE NEVER MADE ANY ONE OF THEM DO ANYTHING. Never.
Chairperson: [Running AA meeting] Uh, the theme of the day is your lowest point.
Lucifer: Right, my lowest point. Well, geographically, that would be Hell, of course. Hard to get much lower than that.
- Well, I was his inside woman, and now I'm yours.
Lucifer: [Gunshots] Why is it that sometimes
- I'm immortal...
- And other times
- I'm all too human?
- It appears that you make me vulnerable.
Lucifer: He broke my Maze.
Lucifer: No, no, much as I'd like to see *Crouching Tiger, Hidden Douche*, I'd like to win this. I was pointing at Maze.
Lieutenant: I found this... where Matt was killed. Fell out of his pocket. Just a little thing I like to call "evidence."
Chloe: You stole evidence from the crime scene?
Lucifer: To be fair, Detective, that is absolutely on-brand.
Kevin: I never saw him myself. Uh, but I saw his car. He has a-an awful '92 Geo Metro in-in Polynesian green.
Lucifer: Ugh.
Kevin: Right?
Charlotte: Your brother is the Lightbringer, Amenadiel. He just needs to apply himself and get angry.
Lucifer: Well, I can't just get ang...
[Amenadiel ouches him in the face]
Lucifer: Aah! Bloody hell!
Amenadiel: Well, it was worth a shot.
Lucifer: Right. Maybe Amenadiel should try it. Here, why don't you hold it, and I'll kick you in the...
[Aims for his groin]
Charlotte: Boys!
Ella: Well, you do you.
Lucifer: Oh, I always do.
Chloe: So what do we have?
Dan: [Speaking simultaneously] This is Sandra Baez...
Ella: Yeah.
Dan: She was 32 years old...
Dan: Yep.
Dan: And a history teacher.
Lucifer: Whatever's happening here is undoubtedly somehow my fault.
- Lucifer, how did you even get this number?
Lucifer: Excuse the mess, but it's so good of you to come, detective Decker.
- Thanks for being super-cryptic in a really unhelpful way.
[Chuckles] What's the emergency?
- Well, it's-it's better to show than tell, really.
Charlotte: [after sending Lucifer a trio of strippers] I tried to find ones that resemble your detective. Then again, all humans look alike to me.
Lucifer: No, you did, um, well, remarkably well. But what on Earth for?
Charlotte: Since anger didn't work, I wanted to incite a different emotion. See if that would get the sword fired up.
Lucifer: A foursome isn't an emotion, Mum!
Lucifer: His name's Louie pagliani.
- He's a local loan shark and all-around dirtbag.
- I thought I dealt with that human stain last time I was here.
- Yeah, well... this is Vegas.
- This town is always up for an encore.
Linda: This loss brings up an issue that we've been skirting since we began our work together.
Lucifer: Right.
Linda: Your identity.
Lucifer: [wry laugh] It's still the Devil, darling.
Linda: Yes, but who are you trying so hard to become?
Lucifer: Nobody. I'm completely unbecoming.
[chuckles]
Dan: What the hell, man? SWAT?
Lucifer: Yes, well, this is when I normally get into a spot of danger, so I called in for backup like a responsible detective would.
Lucifer: I got the files, didn't I? I did what I had to do
Dan: Oh, please, don't give me that crap. You never do what you have to do, Lucifer. You only ever do what you *want* to.
Lucifer: That is not true. There's a lot of things that I didn't want to do.
Dan: Oh, really?
Lucifer: Yes. Because if I only ever did what I wanted to do, then right now, I'd do this.
[Punches Dan in the face]
Lucifer: Typical Vegas. Even the suicides are fake.
Chloe: Excuse me, Grace Foley?
Grace: Wha-- why are your clothes still on?
Lucifer: I ask myself that all the time.
Mazikeen: What the hell am I, Lucifer... A pawn in some plan of yours?
Lucifer: No, I wouldn't put it like that.
Mazikeen: Of course you wouldn't, because that would actually require you understanding how you affect people. How you hurt them.
[She hits him in the nuts]
Lucifer: Oh! Aah! You seem to be the one doing the hurting at the moment.
Chloe: Care to explain why you sent Johnny Kane a threatening e-mail yesterday at 9:10 a.m.?
Lucifer: Busted, Mr. Hoffing. You may as well come clean now. Pun intended.
Lucifer: [approaching Paolucci in a bar, he taps him on the shoulder] Excuse me.
[Paolucci turns around]
Lucifer: Hello.
Anthony: What do you want?
Lucifer: Well, firstly, let me state that I'm in no way standing up for my associate...
[he gestures to Chloe at the bar behind him]
Lucifer: Detective Decker.
[Lucifer turns back to face Paolucci]
Lucifer: But on behalf of myself, and only myself, I think you're a complete sack of ass.
[Lucifer hauls back and punches Paolucci into a group of cops]
- Every hell loop is different, so we could be in for anything.
- I'm ready.
- Well, I hope so, because knowing Jimmy, it's probably quite twisted and terrifying.
- Good news is, I shall be in complete...
Lucifer: Control?
Linda: You've never mentioned your mother before. Why is that?
Lucifer: Well, you wouldn't understand, would you?
Linda: I'd like to.
Chloe: We should stop stepping on each other's toes, because we both clearly want the same thing.
Lucifer: Oh, that's very forward of you, Ms. Decker. Yes, I will have sex with you.
William: Who the hell are you?
Jack: Jack Monroe, PI.
Lucifer: Lucifer Morningstar, Devil.
Caleb: I was thinking about quitting YEA altogether.
Lucifer: You were going to break up with the entire club. How does one specifically say nay to YEA?
Lucifer: Don't play silly buggers with me, Mum.
Lucifer: I have an effect on people. It's a way of pulling out their deepest desires, revealing the truth within. It works on everyone. Everyone except for Chloe Decker.
God: [after waking up from his "God" persona] What this? What-What just happened?
Lucifer: What are you talking about? We just beat Santa.
Chloe: You don't decide who gets punished and how.
Lucifer: That's exactly what I do.
Chloe: Lieutenant, we need you on this case.
Lucifer: [sighs] And I normally love threesomes.
Chloe: [to the two Diablo actors] I have to bag the whole place for evidence, and you both are not cops. So play time's over. Out!
Lucifer: Don't take offense. She used to say the exact same thing to me.
Lucifer: [to Linda] The detective listened in whilst we charmed Jamie. Well, I charmed. You babbled mostly.
Chloe: Trust me, you do not want to talk to me right now.
Lucifer: You're right, I don't. You look scary.
Lucifer: [to Chloe] Look who's back. You didn't die after all. That makes one of us.
Lucifer: Look, I'm really trying to listen, so if you're telling me that you'd like to stab me, then...
[Stands arms outstretched]
Lucifer: Just avoid the old parsnip, for old time's sake.
Dan: You're not gonna tell Chloe about me and Charlotte, right?
Lucifer: Well, as long as you promise to never touch Charlotte again.
Dan: No, it's not a problem.
Lucifer: Good. 'Cause the last thing I need is a step-Dan.
Dan: ...You say some really weird things, man.
Lee: What the hell?
Lucifer: Precisely.
Lucifer: Did Klumpsky ever meet his inspiration? Did he ever get a good look at him?
Mazikeen: No.
Lucifer: Are you sure?
Mazikeen: Five broken ribs, a torn rotator cuff, and "It's a Small World" on repeat? Yeah, I'm sure.
Tío: Where are you two from?
Lucifer: [Speaking at the same time] Down south.
Amenadiel: Up north.
Chloe: What is with all this "yes, and" stuff?
Lucifer: Oh, just some improv thing I was hoping would knock me out of my idea dry spell.
Chloe: But you're literally just saying what you would normally say, with the words "yes, and" in front of it.
Lucifer: Yes, and... it's clearly not working. Stupid Daniel.
Lucifer: No offense, brother, but on the list of things I'd like to wake up to, your face falls somewhere after a horse's head and Coldplay tickets.
Chloe: I need to tell you something.
Lucifer: I'm all ears. Or horns, rather.
Lucifer: I'd rather return to the fires of hell than spend a night in Tarzana.
Lucifer: You don't happen to recognize this unfortunate looking chap?
Ping: Hmm, don't recognize him. You have any pictures of him without his clothes on?
Emma: I'm not proud of what happened. But I was upset. I just found out Robbie was cheating on me.
Lucifer: Well, completely understandable. I mean, what else are you supposed to do when some parasite inserts himself into your relationship?
[Glares at Pierce]
Lucifer: It's a very difficult day... because...
Chloe: Today.
Lucifer: Today is...
Chloe: The first day.
Lucifer: The first day..
Chloe: Of..,
Lucifer: Of...
Chloe: The trial
Lucifer: Trial of...
Chloe: ...My dad's killer.
Lucifer: Trial of my dad's killer!
[Confused]
Lucifer: Nietzsche?
- What's that?
- Shattered tibia.
- Ooh, ouch... orbital fracture.
- It was first perfected in the hellfires of tyre.
- Oh, the humerus crush! [Laughs]
Lucifer: Love that maze!
- we the misfits how you gonna react we insomniacs, we ain't get no sleep...
- We'll take one of everything.
- Making moves running through the streets a to z, follow my lead...
Lucifer: One, two, three, four, five.
Lucifer: He's your brother. Where do you think he'd go?
Marcus: I don't know, we're not exactly in touch. It's been a few millennia.
Dan: [Lucifer is dressed exactly like him] Oh, man, what the hell? Are you here to work, or are you here to play games?
Lucifer: I'll have you know I take the School of Dan quite seriously, even if it does involve skinny-fit jeans.
Lucifer: Let me get this straight. I just spent millennia down there diligently doing everything He asked without complaint, and you have one sleepover in Hell and Dad tells you your watch is over?
Lucifer: God, this was much easier in The DVC.
Marcus: DVC?
Lucifer: My research text. Also a movie. By the way, Tom Hanks is a national treasure. Also a movie. Not as helpful, though.
Lucifer: You have a light inside of you that brightens the world, and a smile so infectious that it captures the heart of anyone lucky enough to see it.
Marcus: Your research was watching The Da Vinci Code?
Lucifer: And the sequels!
Chloe: Ok, I get it: you wanna feel new things.
Lucifer: Exactly!
Chloe: [Chloe unexpectedly lamps him one hard on the cheek] How's that?
Lucifer: Bloody hell, that hurt! Do it again!
Professor: It keeps happening. Over and over. It's like I'm in Hell!
Lucifer: There's no "like" about it.
Chloe: After it became a family show... the micropenis got removed.
Lucifer: Did anyone even notice?
[Chuckles]
Lucifer: What happened there, brother? Hit another bridge whilst flying?
Amenadiel: That happened one time, Lucy.
Lucifer: [to God] Like the Spanish like to say, Vaya Con... You.
Lucifer: You don't want inferior Ecstasy out there on the streets, ruining orgies and dubstep parties, now, do you?
Chloe: I am gonna tie a bell around your neck at some point.
Lucifer: Oh, sounds like a fun bit of foreplay.
Lucifer: When Charlotte had her mini-death, she went to Hell. Forest haunted her Hell loop and now is haunting her nightmares... which, sidebar, Dan is also a part of, so things are heating up there.
Charlotte: Oh, well, that sure is nonsense.
Lucifer: Oh, don't worry. The detective won't believe me.
[Chloe glares at him]
Lucifer: See? It's classic us.
Linda: Why is it that I'm the only human in your life who knows who you really are?
Lucifer: Because you asked me, remember? You insisted that I show you.
Lucifer: I am here because I'm the King of Hell. This is my job. This is my duty.
Lee: Now who's making excuses?
Lucifer: [about the burning cabin] I wouldn't go in there, Detective. It's hotter than... well, you know.
Lucifer: I'm sure your full powers will come back in no time. You probably just need... a good nap. Or eat some mangos. I've heard they work wonders.
Lucifer: So, no sign of the murder weapon? Are you sure? Right. Nothing left for us to do here then, I suppose.
Chloe: Except for figuring out how six people were killed.
Lucifer: I just can't imagine someone so obsessed with obeying the rules of suburbia.
[Snapping at Pierce]
Lucifer: Where do you think you're going? I cook, you clean, remember?
Lucifer: Look, I know you two are useless when it comes to women. But Daniel, you surely should have some sort of self-help mumbo jumbo advice for me.
Dan: You want my advice?
Lucifer: Sadly, yes.
Lucifer: Why do they blame me for all their little failings? As if I'd spent my days sitting on their shoulder, forcing them to commit acts they'd otherwise find repulsive. "Oh, the Devil made me do it ." I have never made any one of them do anything. Never.
Lucifer: I don't want to be a monster.
Lucifer: Underneath here there's prohibition tunnels everywhere. Howard Hughes used to use them to sneak his mistresses away from his other mistresses.
Lucifer: if you could just de-enlighten me, that'd be lovely, thank you.
Linda: You like to hide insecurity in humor, don't you?
Lucifer: I don't have insecurities.
Linda: Mm. Everyone does.
Chloe: That's your bedtime story. I'll read that to you tonight.
Trixie: No, read it to me now!
Lucifer: This... best birth control in the world.
Rosie: An angel, who saved me. It flew in here, and it just chased the evil man away.
Lucifer: [laughs] I'm sorry, sorry, it's just the only thing my siblings would chase away are a good time.
Lucifer: LilyMan? Worst superhero name ever.
Benji: I told you, I'm innocent.
Lucifer: You're an overpaid DJ, so that's up for debate.
Lucifer: Here's something I can do that other people, rhymes with Shmierce, cannot.
Chloe: Who leaves their door open in la?
Lucifer: No one. Lock's broken.
Mazikeen: We all learned to torture by torturing him.
Marcus: What'd you do to him?
Mazikeen: Well, Abel would be out partying, and then, you'd show up.
[Does a gorilla walk]
Marcus: I don't walk like that.
Mazikeen: Yeah, you do.
Lucifer: Yes, you do.
Lucifer: Detective, meet my new friend. Uh...
Reese: Reese.
Lucifer: Ah. Owner of the pieces.
Lucifer: I can't read it.
Charlotte: But you speak every language.
Lucifer: Speak, not read. I've always found tongues much more useful.
Lucifer: [Eve is sittting at Chloe's desk] Okay, where is the detective? You haven't murdered her and assumed her identity, have you?
- Yeah? Well, I also got these, and your sorry ass is a suspect in the Steve banales murder.
[Laughs] I told you
- Steve was up to something.
- You want to cuff me, honey?
- You're gonna have to catch me.
Lucifer: Excuse me.
Chloe: Why did you attack the guy in the parking lot?
Kimo: I swear, I wasn't going to hurt him.
Lucifer: Was he a terrorist about to plant a bomb? Leader of a murderous cult, perhaps? He must be someone really evil for the Weaponizer to get involved.
Kimo: He's just some guy in trouble with the Mob
Lucifer: So they've got his family and they're forcing him to kill the president?
Lucifer: Oh! To Love Is to Die. Impressive work. I mean, to be a man playing a woman playing a man. It's absolutely dizzying.
[Gets a look]
Lucifer: What? Should I have said spoiler?
Chloe: Are you considering moving back home?
Ella: Well, I mean, you guys know how much I love it here, but... they're my family.
Chloe: So, you know, yeah. Well, Ella, you know, I'm... I'm trying to be supportive, but...
Lucifer: Well, I'm not. Don't you dare go.
Linda: [to Lucifer] I'm concerned that you're returning to a familiar pattern of...
Eve: Denial.
Linda: That's exactly what I was going to say.
Eve: Don't you just hate it when he takes the exact wrong message from every single conversation?
Linda: Oh, my God! Every single time!
Lucifer: [Annoyed with the bonding] Right. Why don't we get back on track?
Chloe: [Referring to the victim] Okay, Ella, what do we have?
Ella: BlueBallz.
Lucifer: You, too?
Ella: No. Blue Ballz, with a "Z".
Lucifer: You know I don't lie, Detective.
Chloe: But you also don't tell the whole truth... Does this have to do with what you were upset about this morning, with your family?
Lucifer: Yes, but I can't explain, because you wouldn't understand.
Chloe: Not if you don't talk to me... Never mind. I thought we were past this. Going backwards, Lucifer, is not good. For anyone.
Lucifer: [Reading Lieutenant ¡Diablo! script] This one would have been amazing. Diablo was going to solve a crime in space.
Chloe: Oh. Mm-hmm. And what was Dancer doing, a zero-G striptease?
Lucifer: Have you read this already?
Chloe: Dr. Martin, we know that, um, Delilah was having a clandestine affair with a wealthy, married man, so if you just tell us his name, we will be on our way.
Linda: I'm sorry, I can't do that.
Lucifer: Oh, she's one of the complex ones. Linda, darling, why don't you tell me? Hmm?
Linda: Well, I can't. I want to, but I can't.
[laughing]
Linda: Oh, you're the devil.
Lucifer: Correct. Now, come on, Dr. Martin. I know you want to.
Linda: Oh, man, and it's really, really juicy, too.
Lucifer: Ooh, I bet it is.
Linda: No, I can't.
Chloe: What did you do to her? Did you roofie her?
Lucifer: Oh, no, it's not her fault. She's just reacting to me. Just watch and learn, okay? Right, the answer is yes, we can take a trip to pound town if we must, but first, you're gonna have to tell us, Linda, okay?
Linda: [wating to hold back] Um... okay! It's Grey Cooper.
Chloe: Grey Cooper? Seriously? That is juicy.
Lucifer: Grey Cooper, the actor? The one who's married to Amanda what's-her-chops?
Chloe: Yeah, yeah.
Lucifer: Oh, no, he's horrible. So square-jawed, so handsome, so vanilla. Oh, I'm really quite disappointed in Delilah. That's truly terrible taste in the opposite sex.
Amenadiel: All of those demons, all of those tormented and tortured souls, where do you think they go?
Lucifer: Don't know, don't care. Not my problem, brother.
Amenadiel: You're just trying to stall your return to Hell.
Lucifer: Oh, I really hoped to get a few more drinks in before you worked that one out.
Chloe: Can we ask you a few questions?
Helena: Eat me!
Lucifer: Yes, please.
Linda: So your items were never recovered?
Lucifer: No.
Linda: Earlier, you said that the items weren't that important. Yet now, you seem very upset that they're gone.
Lucifer: Well, I'm a walking paradox. What can I say?
Lucifer: I hear Uriel's gone and grown a mustache.
Amenadiel: He did?
Lucifer: I wouldn't know. I'm stuck down here. But you should.
Mazikeen: So now this is my fault?
[Storms out]
Lucifer: Demons. Am I right?
Chloe: Lucifer, name-calling isn't gonna help.
Chloe: They're shooting their ad campaign here on Stage 69.
Lucifer: [On his phone, not listening] Mm-hmm.
Chloe: Should be just past the creepy flasher.
Lucifer: That's nice.
Chloe: Lucifer, I know you're not listening to me. Creepy flasher? Stage 69?
Lucifer: [Looks up] 69? What-- where?
Lucifer: Not accurate, historically speaking, but quite bloody. My old friend Tutankhamen would've loved it.
Chloe: You ready to go to church?
Lucifer: Bringing down a priest is the only reason I ever would
Dan: Did you spike my coffee?
Lucifer: It's the only way to get through yet another tedious and useless task. You're welcome.
Dan: I came back and saw his... freakin' scary-ass red face!
Lucifer: Well, I'm not particularly fond of your face, either, Daniel, but you don't see me trying to kill you.
Lucifer: There are certain perks to having a boyfriend who works with the LAPD. An endless supply of handcuffs, for one.
Dan: He's a dude and he's straight.
Lucifer: That's never stopped me before, Daniel. I'm so good at flipping men, they call me "The Skillet."
Ella: Barry here died from a sniper hit.
Lucifer: Ah, it's definitely not Maze's style. She prefers her violence up close and personal, believe me.
Jack: So when you find out the best thing that ever happened to you started with a lie, well, it's like building a house on quicksand. Sooner or later it all falls apart.
Lucifer: Sorry. Got lost in a daydream, on account of your problem being so extraordinarily boring.
2Vile: You have a problem with black people?
Lucifer: No, not in the slightest. I just hate your music.
[laughs]
Lucifer: And when I say "your music," I mean your music. Not the music made by other black people. Without the blues, there'd be no devil's music whatsoever.
Ella: Okay, so based on the burn pattern, which is pretty gnarly in this case, it looks like the highest concentration of accelerant was placed, well...
[Gestures to the victims genitals]
Ella: Here.
Lucifer: Goodness gracious, great balls of fire.
Chloe: [Not assumed] Lucifer.
Lucifer: I mean, I've heard of hot pants, but this really brings new meaning to the term "fire crotch," doesn't it?
Chloe: *Lucifer*.
Lucifer: Wait. I have more. "Smokey Bobinson". "Weekend at Burnie's".
Ella: His burning bush?
Lucifer: Oh, very good! That was actually me, by the way, so don't tell anyone
Amenadiel: [Charlie is crying incessantly] If you're going to stay... You have any ideas how to stop this?
Lucifer: Have you tried whiskey?
Amenadiel: Can we please talk about the immediate problem here? Like all of us archangels gathered here on Earth, out in the open for all of humanity to see!
Lucifer: Relax, brother, this is LA. No one will even notice.
Lucifer: Charlotte, where are you going?
Charlotte: To join the Peace Corps, donate my entire savings to an orphanage, or build a shelter for blind, one-legged puppies.
Lucifer: Well, as long as you're not being over-dramatic.
Charlotte: You need to see that this Chloe you so adore isn't worthy of you.
Lucifer: I admit I enjoy working with her, but adore, that's a bit much.
Charlotte: Oh, please. You've sacrificed more for her than you ever have for anyone else. Have you forgotten? You killed your brother, my son, to protect her. Do you think there's anything even remotely similar that she would do for you?
Charlotte: I apologize for my human form, but... at least this one has supreme hindquarters.
Lucifer: You're lying.
Charlotte: No. They're quite sturdy, feel it.
Lucifer: I wasn't referring, nor will I ever refer, to your butt, Mother.
Chloe: I mean, the way she talked about your dad and- and what he put her through.
Lucifer: Mm-hmm. Betrayal, torture, Hell, et cetera. All true.
Chloe: Mm-hmm. I just cannot imagine raising kids with someone like that.
Lucifer: Sympathy for the goddess, detective?
Lucifer: Hawaiian print? The eighth deadly sin.
Lucifer: KillShare is...?
Scotty: It's a dark web chat site for those interested in, well, killing.
Ella: Jeez, there's a site for everything.
Chloe: We could really use your help.
Reese: [Disheveled] How can I help you, Detective?
Lucifer: Shower and a shave, maybe.
Lucifer: This is my fault. I should never have got you involved in any of this from the start.
Linda: It's not like I didn't know I was dealing with the most powerful, well... the most dysfunctional family in the universe. Lucifer, I walked into this with my eyes wide open, chose to be your friend and face all that comes with that. The good, the bad and the crispy.
Lucifer: Nothing for the birthday girl to worry about. I want you to focus on one thing only, Detective. That is getting older.
[Chloe makes a face]
Lucifer: Don't be ridiculous, Daniel. Nothing's changed. I'm still the same person, charming, beloved. And you're still the same person too, useless, tolerated.
Lucifer: Maybe I should find out what makes Pierce vulnerable. Get inside his head.
[Maze holds up a weapon]
Lucifer: Not with the cranial saw. Well, not yet anyway.
Lucifer: Is this the part where you tell me to live each day like it's my last?
Linda: Good God, no. Whoever came up with that phrase never had a savings account or an Israeli nutritionist.
Lucifer: We're surrounded by ne'er-do-wells, and he thinks the culprit came from the outside. Delusional.
[Looks at group of teens]
Lucifer: Killer's obviously here.
[Points]
Lucifer: Probably him. Shifty eyes.
[Spots red-head]
Lucifer: Or... no, sorry... her. The ginger... She's got that "I like to watch the life drain out of people" look.
Lucifer: [When the killer has incapacitated Pierce and Decker] Too bad. If you'd started with him, I would've let you swing.
Lucifer: What if I told you I wasn't Lucifer anymore?
Chloe: What?
Lucifer: I've decided to try and walk a mile in another man's shoes. See the world from a different perspective.
[Looka at Dan]
Lucifer: I'm going to learn how to Douche. I... may have to rephrase that one.
Lucifer: What do you want?
Ty: [looking at Ali] Her.
Lucifer: Well, then "carpe diem," my friend.
Lucifer: Chloe.
Chloe: I don't want to die.
Lucifer: I won't let you.
Lucifer: Dr. Linda just canceled my session. She won't take my calls. I think I truly scared her off.
Chloe: Something happened with your shrink?
Lucifer: Yes... and it's all your fault. I mean, you're the one who suggested I open up to her.
Lucifer: Why are there holes in your dress?
Amenadiel: It's a robe.
Lucifer: Oh, I apologize. Why are there holes in your dress?
Lucifer: I just learned the strangest thing. Spoiler alert, Amenadiel found Dr. Linda. He was an angel on her shoulder, trying to control me. I wonder how my dear, angelic brother got such a wickedly clever idea.
Mazikeen: I did it to protect you.
Trixie: What's your name?
Lucifer: Lucifer.
Trixie: Like the Devil?
Lucifer: Exactly.
Trixie: My name's Beatrice, but everybody calls me Trixie.
Lucifer: That's a hooker's name.
Trixie: What's a hooker?
Lucifer: Ask your mother.
Linda: The fact that he came to this emotionally mature insight on his own... Impressive. Shows a sign that he's grown.
Lucifer: Bully for me. Now can we jump to the part where you teach the detective how to, you know, return my mojo?
Linda: Yeah... Scratch emotional maturity.
Linda: Lucifer, you didn't invent the idea of giving favors!
[chuckles]
Lucifer: [Glares]
Linda: Ha, yep, forgot who I was talking to.
Lucifer: Just getting ready for a little sting operation.
Amenadiel: Right. I should've assumed you'd be busy.
Chloe: If she didn't blackmail you, then who did?
Myles: Beats me.
Lucifer: Right. Well, you better not be pulling our legs.
[laughs]
Ella: We are talking designer poison, here.
- So, how do we get an antidote?
- Well, that right there is the tricky part.
- Designer poisons need designer antidotes.
Lucifer: Detective!
- It won't stop.
Chloe: We have some questions about Delilah.
Amanda: Oh. Oh. Yes, it's so sad.
Grey: Yeah. Very sad.
Chloe: [recognizing his watch] Your watch, where'd you get that?
Grey: Oh, it's a prop.
Amanda: No, that's the one Delilah gave you, isn't it? For "Time Will Tell"?
Grey: Right. That's the movie that we did. It was a wrap gift.
Chloe: Yeah. She buy a $10,000 watch for the whole crew?
Grey: Uh, no. Just me, as far as I know. 'Cause we were, you know, co-stars and everything.
Lucifer: You know, you're gonna have to get much better at lying if you want to be president.
Grey: I know, right?
Lucifer: So you were sleeping with her, then, yeah?
Grey: Oh, yeah.
[he and Lucifer share a laugh, then he suddenly stops]
Grey: Crap. I just said that in front of people.
Amanda: Whatever. It's not like I didn't know. God, you are a terrible liar. And actor, by the way.
Grey: You knew?
Amanda: Of course. Why else do you think I've been sleeping with Bobby?
Grey: Are you serious?
Amanda: Oh, yeah. And it is good. Mmm. I climb that man like a tree. Right, Bobby?
Grey: My bodyguard? What a cliché.
Amanda: Oh, I'm a cliché? Well, you're a dick.
Chloe: Oh, boy.
Carly: It was dark, and I was looking through a window. Geez, do I have to do all your work for you?
Mr. Glantz: Carly, tone.
Carly: Should I roll over and fetch, too, Dad?
Lucifer: Parents. Am I right?
Dan: Alabama's actually really nice.
Lucifer: Well, you would think that.
Amenadiel: [Talking about Charlotte] There's something going on with her.
Lucifer: Yeah. Or it's just that time of the millennium.
Lucifer: But I don't even get murdered by a dentist. The great Lucifer Morningstar's final foe is a... dental receptionist.
Chloe: Lucifer, we just got together. You're already finding things to freak out about.
Lucifer: I'm not finding anything, Detective. All I've done is lose stuff.
Mack: We've been busy as hell these days.
Lucifer: Not nearly, I can assure you.
- My sweet boy!
Lucifer: He's not real.
- Mom: Lucifer!
- My sweet boy.
- J' mama j'
- Uriel!
- J' come here ♪
- ♪ 'cause this house don't feel like home j'
- J'noj'
Chloe: History and religion have painted a pretty awful picture of you, haven't they?
Lucifer: You couldn't be more right, Detective.
Chloe: So... You don't bite the heads off of children?
Lucifer: Uh, no. Of course not.
[laughs]
Lucifer: I detest the little creatures. And I'd certainly never put one in my mouth.
Dan: What is that smell? And why is there... crime scene tape all around my desk?
Lucifer: Because trust me, Daniel, Cornelia committed a very serious infraction over there.
Charlotte: I just don't understand. Of all the things that you could do with your talents, law enforcement?
Lucifer: Have you considered I might enjoy exploring humanity?
Charlotte: They eat, darling. All they do is eat. And then afterwards, the food comes out changed and not for the better.
Lucifer: [after re-arranging Chloe's desk] I'm particularly proud of the new filing system, complete with a "Sexy Victims" pile, "Obvious Killers" pile. And "Boring Crimes" pile, to be ignored, of course.
Lucifer: Children are so needy... I mean, you wouldn't understand, but being a single parent is exhausting.
Dan: Dude, it's been an hour.
Lucifer: Well, in dog years, that's an eternity.
Lucifer: "Hello Malkie"
Chloe: No photos at a crime scene. Sorry.
Esther: Not even one last one with the handsome cop?
Lucifer: Don't let the boring detective spoil things. It would be my pleasure.
[Ester walks past him to take a selfie with Dan]
Lucifer: ... Obviously, I'm far too well-dressed to be a cop.
- Oh. Go, go, go.
Lucifer: We're just looking for a young lady about 21, 22-years-old.
- Goes by the name of Mira.
- We, um, have a photo of her here, if you want to come take a look.
- No one's in trouble, promise.
- We're just worried about her.
[Woman] Did you say Mira?
Dromos: Hell has been really bad since you left.
Lucifer: Oh, well, that's a shame, 'cause it was a real vacation destination before.
Judge: Who the hell do you think you are?
Lucifer: Lucifer Morningstar, Your Honor. My apologies. I had no idea I was dealing with a man of such stature. In my defense, when we came in last night, I was blindfolded by your wife's underwear.
Lucifer: It's not a secret if I'm telling you the answer!
Lucifer: Here's me being super-duper helpful: before the orderlies took the victim away, she told me who did attack her.
Chloe: Great. Who is it?
Lucifer: Santa Claus.
[Chloe sighs]
Lucifer: I guess this is good-bye.
Marcus: Yeah.
Lucifer: But, on the bright side, see you never.
Chloe: I wonder if KPop is still on the market?
Lucifer: Well, it was as of last Tuesday. It's wonderful stuff. Yeah, it makes your skin feel like a baby chinchilla.
Lucifer: What's your deepest, darkest fantasy?
Lexy: To have sex in the ball pit at a Chuck E. Cheese.
Lucifer: Not what I was expecting.
Chloe: [Looking at victim's notebook] So what are these, jokes?
Lucifer: A charitable description, Detective.
[Reads]
Lucifer: "Avocado, how about avoca-don't?" Would it be rude to throw tomatoes at a corpse?
Charlotte: So you're going to punish me anyway?
Lucifer: I am, indeed. And not because I've been brainwashed by Dad or I'm trying to prove anything. I punish because I'm good at it. I like giving people their due. Makes me happy.
Amenadiel: So what happened?
Lucifer: It was terrible, Brother. I was kidnapped.
Amenadiel: No, Luci. I meant Mom.
Lucifer: Oh. Well, didn't you get my text?
Amenadiel: What, you mean the string of nonsensical emojis? Fire, Sword, Doughnut, Spaceman, Clock, Dancing Lady, Flashlight, Thumbs Up?
Chloe: I can tell you're worried... And that's actually really endearing... But Dan's there.
Lucifer: That's worse.
Lucifer: Vatican investigator? Sounds like a soon-to-be-canceled TV show.
Chloe: Let's not jump to conclusions. It's not like the video shows her actually stabbing our Vic.
Lucifer: No. Merely plucking her knife out of his chest.
Linda: You've been complaining about having weird dreams lately. Including one where you couldn't control your wings.
Lucifer: I've also dreamt I was king of the centaur people. Doesn't mean I'm gonna start wearing horseshoes.
U.S. Marshal Luke Reynolds: They won't talk to law enforcement.
Lucifer: Oh, you'd be surprised. I mean, after all, she has the Devil at her side.
Sam: I don't know your dad. Unless, is your, is your dad the Sinnerman?
Lucifer: Quite the opposite.
Chloe: God, what am I doing here?
Lucifer: Wrong deity, but, yes, that is the eternal question.
Chloe: No. I mean here, in a bar, with you.
Lucifer: Well, I don't know. You tell me, Detective. I mean, despite your proclaimed revulsion, you can't deny that there's a connection between us. Tell me, what do you actually want?
Chloe: You mean what do I desire more than anything else in this life?
Lucifer: Yes.
Chloe: Mm-hmm.
Lucifer: No tricks. Not that they work on you, you freak. Seriously. I'm... I'm curious.
Chloe: I don't know. What... what I told you's true. I-I really do want to help people. My father was a cop. He was a great cop. My mother was an actress. Really cheesy one. I tried the acting thing. I took off my top. Wasn't really contributing to the betterment of society.
Lucifer: Oh, disagree. I love that movie.
Chloe: So I quit. Decided to become a cop like my dad and, uh, dealt with the whole "Hot Tub High School" thing, until, um, I became a detective and found a whole new way to ostracize myself.
Lucifer: Ah, the... reason your ex-maggot was pressuring you to close this?
Chloe: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. There was a case, a shooting on Palmetto Street where a cop was shot, and I saw it differently than pretty much everyone in my department, including my ex. And I stuck my neck out, and it backfired.
Chloe: Lucifer, oh my god.
Lucifer: Well, there's an oxymoron.
Ella: Ixnay on the ot-nay andy-cay.
Lucifer: Sorry, is that German? 'Cause if it is, it's absolutely awful. Trust me, I should know. Hitler was a talker. Well, screamer, actually.
Lucifer: I tell them I'm the Devil. It tends to go over... well, I guess, reviews are mixed at this point.
Lucifer: This next song is for a, ah, special someone. A woman who says she doesn't need me anymore.
random person in the crowd: I need you!
Lucifer: Reese?
Lucifer: What, you know him as well?
Linda: My ex-husband, Reese...
Reese: Linda. Stay back.
Lucifer: Your ex-husband?
[Cheerily, at Reese]
Lucifer: So we're tunnel buddies.
Lucifer: Don't be such a Debbie Downer, Daniel.
Chloe: Ella; we have to proceed as if this missing woman is still alive, okay?
Ella: Yeah.
Chloe: I don't want to find another body.
Lucifer: Trust me, you will not find another body.
Dan: [Enters] I found a body!
Lucifer: I love L.A. Even the homeless have an IMDb page.
Blindfolded: [Trying to hit piñata, falls into Lucifer] Whoops! It's so hard.
Lucifer: Yes, always, but why don't I help you with your stick first?
Lucifer: And so there we were, the detective and I, standing in her kitchen, and... she made me... a sandwich.
[Looks at the doctor]
Lucifer: I believe this is the part where you tell me it's much more than just a sandwich. For example... maybe it was a gesture of intimacy. You know, the slices of bread representing, perhaps, the detective's trust?
[Thinks]
Lucifer: Or... was it a mistrustful sandwich? I... Doctor, please, what delicious message was she sending me?
Linda: What about Hitler?
Lucifer: The sandwich is Hitler?
Ella: Why don't you tell them about your crimes?
Roxie: What?
Lucifer: Yes. J'accuse. First of all, of mixing Corinthian and Doric columns in your McMansion.
Chloe: You're under arrest.
Lt. Herrera: Oh, come on. Really?
Lucifer: Yes. Really. And if it's any consolation, I suggested we beat you to death with our bare hands, but the detective insisted we do it by the book. And considering I know where you're eventually going to go, that's fine by me.
Lucifer: I can think of worst places to die. For one, Florida.
Lucifer: You are?
Chloe: Yeah.
- She just kept me from making a big mistake.
- Detective!
- I... jana...
- Wheels up, captain?
- I'm afraid this flight's grounded.
Dr. Valerie Haynes: I have more than I could ever want.
Lucifer: Do you, now?
[to Dan]
Lucifer: Watch and learn.
[Turns back to Dr. Haynes]
Lucifer: Surely, there must be something that you desire.
Dr. Valerie Haynes: I... Mm. I'm... I'm really all good.
[This is a first]
Lucifer: [Turns up the mojo] Come now, there's really nothing you want deep, deep down?
[Dr Haynes shrugs]
Meg: [Standing behind the doctor] I want the miracle of birth!
Lucifer: Trying to solve a murder here, love, but I'm sure you can find someone to help you with that. Eventually.
Assistant: Debbie did get into a rather ugly fight with the parents of a child who'd been denied admission. It got vicious.
Lucifer: Ooh. Fisticuffs? Beat-down at the bike sheds after the final bell?
Assistant: No, verbally vicious.
Lucifer: Ah, terrible grammar.
Dan: Criminals like Maddox, they use art sales to cover up money transfers. They could demand any price for a piece of art, and in return provide whatever it is their clients really want.
Lucifer: Can he provide an eye bath? I'll need one after this.
Axara: if I hid under a rock every time there was an issue, I'd still be doing bar mitzvahs.
Lucifer: Also, you'd be under a rock. Most unpleasant.
Chloe: Malcolm has Trixie. If I get him his money, he'll let her go.
Lucifer: Right. Because if Malcolm's established anything, it's his trustworthiness.
Chloe: What choice do I have?
Lucifer: To ride shotgun with the Devil, for starters.
Lucifer: For the record, Detective, I'd like you to note that I haven't once asked you about your evening with Pierce. I realize it's none of my business.
Chloe: You're right. It's not.
Lucifer: But Miss Lopez thinks you boned.
Chloe: WHAT?
Lucifer: Her words, not mine.
Chloe: You look like hell.
Lucifer: Appropriate.
Amenadiel: You know that Father...
Lucifer: If you finish that sentence, I will punch you in your... mysterious ways.
Lucifer: All my time with Dr. Linda has been about exploring the denial that I'm in, but I've overcome that now, I've had an honest-to-Devil epiphany. Now all my problems should just, you know, go away.
Chloe: Can you give us the access to your security footage?
Lalo: That's above my pay grade. You'd have to talk to the big man upstairs.
Lucifer: God?
Lalo: Uh, no. The company's owner.
Chloe: You look like hell.
Lucifer: Ha! Not heard that before.
Bobby: I want out of this hell. Every day I come to work, and I tell stupid jokes with puppets. *Puppets*!
Sheila: Bobby. What are you saying? This is a dream gig.
Bobby: It's a nightmare! You know what the biggest joke is?
Lucifer: You?
Bobby: ...Me!
Lucifer: Once you do this, there's no going back. Are you sure?
Lilith: Just one thing.
Lilith: And it never ends with you, does it? Although I suppose it will now.
Lucifer: What do you know about God Johnson?
Pyro: I like fire.
Lucifer: Right, never mind.
Normal: Maybe I can help. I did see him perform a miracle.
Lucifer: [Perks up] Really?
Normal: ...He scored me an extra Jell-O at snack time. Shh.
- I'm sorry, father.
- But we shouldn't be surprised.
- I mean, Lucifer isn't mature enough to...
Lucifer: Sorry, I'm late.
- I brought souffle.
- Risen perfectly, just as you like them.
Amenadiel: My ego should never be an issue. I am an angel. A soldier of God. His favorite son.
Lucifer: Oh, that's gonna be a thing, isn't it?
Dan: My entire life imploded because of you!
Lucifer: What?
Dan: My marriage!
[Swings knife]
Dan: My job!
[Swings again]
Dan: My snacks!
Lucifer: What?
Dan: I know you ate my pudding!
Lucifer: You're really going to smite me over a tub of sweetened goo?
Dan: A murder, it's like a gigantic puzzle, only you don't know what the corner pieces are, or what it's going to look like when it's done.
Lucifer: You just described torture. Trust me, I know.
Chloe: We need to get inside Ella's head, figure out where she's taking Jay. If you were her, where would you guys go?
Lucifer: Ooh, ahhh, strip club.
Dan: Comic-con.
Lucifer: Bar!
Dan: Forensics convention.
Lucifer: Strip club!
Dan: Dude, you already said that. Why would Ella take her brother to the strip club?
Lucifer: For the free buffet.
[about the dead security guard]
Lucifer: Getting murdered is probably the most exciting thing that ever happened to him.
Lucifer: Go. Release your inner Devil.
Amenadiel: But what should I do first?
Lucifer: Oh, I don't know. Get laid.
Dan: What happened to the plan?
Lucifer: I made a better one.
Chloe: How?
Lucifer: Just sit tight and we'll all get what we want.
Trixie: This dagger. Has it ever killed anyone?
Lucifer: Not yet, no.
Trixie: [Holds up handcuffs] Do these work?
Lucifer: Uh... that depends on who you're asking.
Julian: You two are not at all what I pictured when I heard the cops were here. Kudos.
Lucifer: We're not cops.
Ella: I'm actually a forensic scientist.
Lucifer: And I'm the Devil.
Trixie: You're gonna be in trouble if my mom finds out.
Lucifer: What? I said I'd drive you to school. I never specified which one. So play along, and I'll deliver my end of the bargain.
Mr. Taylor: Mr. Morningstar?
Lucifer: Yes.
Mr. Taylor: Hey. Mr. Taylor.
Lucifer: Ah.
Mr. Taylor: You're here for the Starford tour?
Lucifer: I am indeed. I am indeed. And this little creature, who gets whatever she wants...
Trixie: [offering her hand] Trixie Morningstar. Nice to meet you, sir.
Mr. Taylor: [laughing] Hi.
Lucifer: Ah, lovely.
Ella: Studies show that the brain does some of its best work when it's not trying. That's why great ideas come in the shower.
Lucifer: For me, it's usually women.
Lucifer: She was very generous with information after I was very generous with the old...
Chloe: Okay, I don't want to know.
Linda: Maybe, if you thought about how your actions affected her, she might be more receptive to how you feel.
Lucifer: So what you're saying is I need to make it all about her for a change?
Linda: Exactly.
Lucifer: And then she can make it all about me. That is brilliant, Doctor.
[Leaves]
Linda: ...Should've seen that one coming.
Amenadiel: You... are a mockery of everything divine.
Lucifer: Thank you.
Lucifer: Actually, you know what, I'll boil you alive. Yeah. Top most painful way to die, according to BuzzFeed.
Mazikeen: Good luck mojoing a blind guy.
Lucifer: I don't need eyes to find out the Sinnerman's desire, ergo his weakness. There are other ways to learn what someone wants.
Mazikeen: What ways?
Lucifer: [Has no clue] Just... ways.
Amenadiel: There I was. wandering the corridors of Hell, when... I heard a voice. A voice that I never expected to hear in Hell.
Lucifer: Who was it? Mother Teresa, Mr. Rogers? Adele?
Emily: [Walking in on Max talking with Chloe and Jessica] What's going on here? Max, I thought it was gonna be just us. I'm not really down for a four-way.
Lucifer: [Enters] Make that five. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm not down, either.
Lucifer: [Recreating crime scene] Can I have a gun? I feel like Nikolas would definitely have a gun.
Chloe: No...
Dan: Actually he was more of a hammer guy. Liked to break fingers and arms.
Chloe: Okay...
Dan: Some legs and teeth.
Lucifer: Right. Can I have a hammer, then?
Lucifer: So, what can you tell me about ol' Dougie-Doug here?
Lee: Not much, just that he seems like a really scary, powerful guy.
Lucifer: Obviously. He's got a skinhead and neck tats.
Lucifer: If you killed her, I swear to Dad...
Lucifer: Sand literally gets everywhere.
- Yeah, it does.
Lucifer: Detective, I can't believe I'm saying this, but there are more important things than me right now.
Lucifer: Devil emoji? That's it. I'm talking to a copyright lawyer today.
Eric: I saw your "lease"... It was written in lipstick on a stripper's thong. Not exactly legally binding.
Lucifer: Hm. Well, maybe we can write the new one in blood. I find that to be quite binding.
Linda: Things were much less complicated when I thought you were just another average delusional patient with a complicated family.
Lucifer: Well, I've never been average, Linda. Mentally, physically... And as you know... sexually.
Linda: Oh, my God. I had sex with the Devil.
Lucifer: Many, many times. And you're welcome.
Chloe: What choice do I have?
Lucifer: To ride shotgun with the Devil, for starters.
Lucifer: I'm the Devil. I speak everything.
Lucifer: [Looking at body] This is not Candy.
Ella: [shouting] Oh, man, that's awesome!
[Everyone at crime scene turns to look at her]
Lucifer: Sorry, my-my friend here. Not a fan of the deceased, I'm afraid.
Ella: Mean, she was just so mean.
Lucifer: Women.
- I'm fine right here.
- This... is my sanctuary.
Lucifer: Well, your sanctuary just got shot to high heaven, padre.
- But if you're looking to lay low,
- I believe I know just the place.
Lucifer: I think you were right, by the way.
Linda: About what?
Lucifer: That it may be a WHO that's changing me. But now that begs the question: what do I do with her?
Lucifer: This man clearly has an oversized ego, comparing himself to the likes of Johnny Kane and Dr. Scott. If we threaten that ego, trust me, he'll respond.
Dan: How do you know?
Lucifer: Because I know his type, Daniel. Used to live with him, in fact. Called him Dad.
Lucifer: [to God] Doughnuts are here. A triumph of Mankind, as I'm sure you're aware.
Lucifer: Here's the deal. We can have as much naked cuddle time as you desire, but... you're gonna have to listen to me, too. There's a few things that I'd like to discuss with you. You know, just a... an existential dilemma or two. Deal?
Linda: Yes.
Lucifer: Lovely.
Lucifer: You don't have to do this, Vincent.
Vincent: Oh, I... I don't have to, but I want to.
Lucifer: Let me guess, you were in love with the groom. This is always about jealousy, isn't it?
Shauna: No! It was Peggy.
Lucifer: Oh, much more interesting, go on.
Lucifer: Look, it's not about me. What happens now - that's up to you.
Lucifer: And we only had sex twice more.
Linda: Mm-hmm.
Lucifer: But I'm a "ten times a day" man, Doctor. "Big Ben strikes ten," as they say. I'm Big Ben.
Linda: Yeah, I got that.
[Continues]
Linda: Is it possible that the word "boyfriend" is what... stopped the clock?
Lucifer: You stalked your father's murderer right before he was killed. That was a terrible move, Detective.
Lucifer: I'm surprised that you'd date someone so on in years.
Chloe: Huh? What are you talking about?
Lucifer: Oh, believe me, Pierce is, uh, well, he's much older than he looks. And we all know that dating older men has its downsides: performance, stamina, you know, the important bits.
Father: We might not always understand it, but God has a plan.
Lucifer: Yes. I know. But why does everybody always think it's a good plan?
Lucifer: Someone was making the case all about themselves. Slightly unprofessional, but I forgive you, Detective.
Ella: You need a favor?
Lucifer: Yes, your scientific expertise on a discreet matter.
Ella: Paternity test?
Lucifer: What? Do I look like someone who'd be so irresponsible?
Lucifer: Like a wise therapist once said to me, I can't give you the right answers, only the right questions.
Lucifer: Once upon a time, there were two brothers... Cain and Abel. They fought, as brothers often do, over everything.
[Points to drawings of stick figures on a whiteboard]
Marcus: What's that supposed to be? Are we shaking hands or holding spiders?
Lucifer: That's you and your brother pummeling each other over a pet rock. And here's you two scamps tugging on both ends of a snake.
Marcus: That's not how it happened.
Lucifer: Well, artistic license, my friend.
Lucifer: People like to tell me things, those deep, dark, naughty little desires that are on their mind.
Lucifer: The Devil's back.
Lucifer: Because if the devil can be redeemed, then anyone can.
Vincent: And if you can't, uh, I can just shoot you in the face. Put you out of your misery, no?
Lucifer: Huh? No, Vincent. Nobody will be shooting anyone in the face. Clearly, you're going to need a little more time.
Lucifer: When I found out about this... manipulation, I felt the same way as you. But then I realized that it's far from a curse. It's a gift. I only hope that... in time, you come to see it that way, too.
Chloe: There is a huge difference, Lucifer. You were given a gift. I *am* that gift. I mean, I'm not even a person. I'm just a thing, created for someone else.
Lucifer: I still don't think this is working.
Dan: Agree.
Lucifer: And I think it's my fault.
Dan: Also agree.
Chloe: [to Dan] If you're upset about what the lieutenant said, you're not alone. He's not a fan of mine, either. And I still can't believe he called me "Lucifer's partner."
Lucifer: You are my partner!
Dan: I really don't think it's the missing woman, Lucifer. It's a little unusual for a woman to strangle someone.
Lucifer: But look at the size of the bruising; clearly not man hands.
Ella: I've seen some guys with some pretty tiny lady hands.
Lucifer: Dan doesn't count.
Mazikeen: Too bad your little protege isn't around to collect the check.
Chloe: [watching a news report that Delilah's record sales have soared, something in her mind clicks] Oh, wow.
Lucifer: What?
Chloe: Delilah didn't give that watch to the drug dealer.
Dan: [about Beckett] She took my badge.
Lucifer: Oh. Well... good news is at least I got your phone back.
[hands over phone, Beckett has sent the message "Sorry, not sorry losers"]
Lucifer: That little bitch.
Amenadiel: I don't need you to show me around the city.
Lucifer: Well, of course you do. This is an exciting time, brother! Now that we're making Los Angeles our home, the City of Angels can finally earn its name.
Lucifer: Do we get to kick in the door? As your self-sacrificing partner, I volunteer to go first.
Chloe: No, there'll be no kicking in of anything, unless we have a warrant, or people are in immediate danger. You better start taking this case seriously.
Father: I know the divine is real. And I also know that evil walks the earth. And that you, Mr. Morningstar...
Lucifer: Oh, brother, here we go.
Father: ...Are not it.
Lucifer: Are you sure the detective is your mother? Could she be from somewhere else? Does she have any special powers? What about any markings? Scars, on her back perhaps? There's some chocolate cake in it for you.
Trixie: I want cash.
Lucifer: Why don't you two make yourselves comfortable and I'll take first crack at Helen Killer here.
[Gets angry looks]
Lucifer: What? I thought he deserved a new nickname now that he's blind.
Lucifer: I guess we'll just have to go nut to butt, have Charlie do the foxtrot, cover each other's sixes and all that. You know? Hooah!
[Pierce gives him a look]
Lucifer: Military terms. Weren't you a serviceman?
Marcus: Yeah. We don't talk like that.
- It's because you're special, Decker.
Lucifer: What if the sinnerman was the one working for someone else?
- The world's first murderer, marked by god and doomed to walk the earth alone for a tortured eternity.
- It's quite the moniker.
- Wouldn't you agree, Cain?
Chloe: You must be aware that Reina Markova was killed last night.
Myles: Yeah, I heard. Big whoop.
Lucifer: Well, for a potential cold-blooded killer, you're being quite... obvious.
Lucifer: Based on the security around that doorway over there, and the fact I've been here many times before, that is an illegal gambling den.
Ella: [On Axara's twitter] Well, I've gone through them all, and on a scale of #ILoveYouAxara to #IWantToLiveInYourSpleen, there's, like, a zillion suspects.
Lucifer: A zillion and one if you count me.
Chloe: You weren't even aware of her until this case.
[Lucifer scoffs]
Chloe: Okay, name your favorite song.
Lucifer: Well, um, there's so many...
Lucifer: Doesn't matter whether you're a sinner! Doesn't matter whether you're a saint! Nobody can win, so what's the point? What's the bloody point?
Lucifer: The man is clearly a thief. Let's go give him a good throttling.
Chloe: I'm leaning towards just talking to him.
Lucifer: And *then* throttling. I suppose a little foreplay never hurt anyone.
Lucifer: You are literally the judgiest person in the universe. You know that, Dad?
Lucifer: [coming back to the precinct] Oh. Burnt coffee and body odor never smelled so good.
[to Jacob Williams]
Lucifer: Do you want to destroy me? Get in line!
Linda: I actually have a rule about phones during session.
Lucifer: Really?
Linda: No phones during session.
Lucifer: Oh, why not? These things are incredibly therapeutic.
Linda: [to Amenadiel] Stop! You lied to me about being a doctor, so you could manipulate Lucifer, who is actually your brother. Somehow. Do you realize the ethical position you put me in?"
Lucifer: [laughing]
Linda: [to Lucifer] And you. Let me guess. You were going to make a sexual joke about putting me in a position?
Lucifer: [a little shamefacedly] ... that's true... yeah.
God: But I'm sure everything will turn out just fine.
Lucifer: That's what you said about the bloody dinosaurs!
Lucifer: Right, I'm clearly needed on the front lines. You just stay here and do what you do best.
[enunciating]
Lucifer: Nada.
Lucifer: So we're assuming that our killer listens to this juvenile program? We've narrowed our suspects down to anyone who doesn't have satellite radio, and Ms. Lopez.
Marcus: Now that I know I'm dying, I don't know what I was so afraid of. I'm going to Heaven.
Lucifer: You really believe that?
Marcus: I told you, Lucifer. I don't regret anything I've done.
Lucifer: Yes, but that was before you killed Charlotte Richards.
Marcus: No! No, that was an accident.
Lucifer: Well, you pulled the trigger. You ended her life. You chose to kill her. Deep down, you know you're a monster. And that you belong in Hell, where you would torture yourself with that truth for eternity. 'Cause no matter what you tell yourself, you can't outrun what you've done, what you truly are.
Marcus: And neither can you.
Lucifer: [about Amenadiel] Ever since he found out he's Dad's favorite, he's been a bit of a dick.
Marcus: What do you mean?
Lucifer: Well, lots of chest puffing and peacocking. I mean, even more than usual.
Linda: It's easy to let external factors... define us. Especially the traumatic ones. But only if we let them.
Lucifer: [Sudden epiphany] We all have itchy butts.
Amenadiel: I'm pretty sure that my issues are much bigger than yours. Trust me.
Lucifer: I think we all know nothing is bigger than mine.
Chloe: I've been thinking, and Linda does have a point. Feeling powerless is no joke. I'm so used to dismissing your crazy antics that I haven't been taking you...
[Notices holster]
Chloe: Seriously? A gun?
Lucifer: Well, I like to call it "our" gun.
Lucifer: What I felt for her was smoke and mirrors, courtesy of dear old Dad. I mean, He clearly expected me to zig, and so I zagged.
Linda: And does Chloe know that you've... "zagged" Candy?
Lucifer: Yes. She just fired me.
Linda: Shocking.
Lucifer: Maze! You haven't wished me happy birthday.
Mazikeen: The Devil doesn't have a birthday.
Lucifer: Well, I do now. I burned my wings. I feel reborn.
Azrael: Remember when we used to prank Amenadiel? Please tell me he still has that hilarious angry face.
Lucifer: Still angry. Still hilarious.
Lucifer: [as Chloe calls] Speak of the Devil's girlfriend.
Lucifer: I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Dad.
Eve: Found a way out of heaven.
Lucifer: I didn't think that was possible. For humans.
Eve: What can I say? I've always been a bit of a rule breaker.
- Is this thing on?
- I keep waiting for god to talk back to me, too.
- But you know what, don't get discouraged, okay?
- He is listening, it's just a one-way intercom kind of deal.
Lucifer: Come on, brother, where are you?
Lucifer: How much did you owe?
Lee: Like, 700,000 dollars, give or take a few.
Lucifer: For that much, I'd have killed you myself.
Chloe: You should probably head home, Lucifer. 'Cause no victim, no case.
Lucifer: Oh, very well. I supposed there'll be another murder tomorrow. Fingers crossed.
Amenadiel: Your wings are missing?
Lucifer: [chuckles] Sorry, is there an echo? Isn't that what I just said?
Amenadiel: What exactly am I supposed to do with that news?
Lucifer: Use your angelic powers to soar around the city and find them. I mean, really, what good's an angel if he can't help a brother out? Am I right?
Lucifer: How much do you hate your brother on a scale of one to ten?
Marcus: One thousand, infinity plus one.
Lucifer: She flew to Florence last week just 'cause she fancied eating some gelato.
Chloe: She went on a plane to get ice cream?
Lucifer: Well, when you say it in English, it sounds silly.
Lucifer: [about Michael] Every word that comes out of that admittedly dashing face is a lie.
Chloe: Oh, well, that's a relief, because he said something so insane, I, well, obviously knew it had to be a lie.
Lucifer: [groans] Did he claim he's friends with Elvis? 'Cause, for one, the King's still alive and I'm the only one who knows where.
Lucifer: Oh, I think I understand.
Linda: Probably not.
Chloe: Lucifer!
Lucifer: [Wakes up] Am I dreaming? No, wait, I can't be; you're both dressed.
Lucifer: I didn't wanna have to do this. But... one last time before I am God. Tell me, Carol, what is it you truly desire?
Carol: Really! I am all good.
Lucifer: Oh! Did not have you as the complex type. But come on... there must be something in there, huh?
[Looks Carol with his intense stare]
Carol: I want someone I can spend the rest of my life with. Someone who loves me for who I am. Somebody I can wake up next to in the morning and just totally connect with.
Lucifer: Oh! I see. You want sex.
Carol: [after being released from Lucifer's stare] No! What? No!
Lucifer: Well, you are in luck my friend. Because you are looking at a literal sex god. One determined to help you get laid.
Carol: [laughs] Yeah, No! I am pretty sure, I don't need your help to find the right person.
Lucifer: Hmm.
Carol: Besides, if I have gone this long...
Lucifer: Oh, I see. I mean I get a squirrelly myself after a dry patch. How long has it been exactly?
Carol: I... I don't know, fourteen, maybe fifteen...
Lucifer: Days? Oh, that's awful.
Carol: ...Months.
Lucifer: [Lucifer horrified] Fifteen months?
Carol: Shh!
Lucifer: How can you even walk properly? Yeah, thank future me, I am here. We need to remedy this situation immediately.
[to Ty]
Lucifer: I've met your type before, so desperate to control their lives, they forget to enjoy it.
Lucifer: We can't miss the part of the case where we chase the suspect. Or you chase and I watch,
Chloe: I mean. Or you could help this time.
[Runs through crowd]
Chloe: Out of the way. Out of the way.
Lucifer: [Grabs a tire off the wall and throws it at suspect] See? Didn't have to chase him at all. He got tired.
[Chloe glares at him]
Lucifer: Oh, come on, I thought that was one of my better puns.
Lucifer: That was disappointing.
Chloe: We haven't hit a dead end yet.
Lucifer: No, no. When I heard his name was Pool Boy, I pictured a much more Baywatch-esque suspect.
Lucifer: I think for the sake of the detective, I'm going to take a time-out from my Dans-formation.
Ella: You can't touch this!
Lucifer: Yes, I get it. It's the lyrics to the song.
Ella: No, it's because I haven't bagged it yet
Chloe: Maybe he doesn't want to go in half-cocked.
Lucifer: I should definitely be full-cocked.
Lucifer: If all the apples are bad, maybe it's the tree that's the problem.
Lucifer: These are some clothes that my nephew has grown out of. It's creepy how children do that, isn't it?
Lucifer: For the next day or so, I'm going to need you to be unpredictable. Whatever you normally do, just do the opposite.
Chloe: Too bad. I was totally going to have sex with you today.
Lucifer: Really?
[Smiles, then realizes]
Lucifer: ... Oh. Well played, Detective.
Lucifer: [At a solarium, after throwing a thug through a wall full of drugs] Oh! Oh look at that: snow storm in a tanning salon, how ironic.
Jacob: Unless you have actual cause to charge me with something, this little chat is over.
Lucifer: Oh, I'm the devil, Tiernan, I have all the cause I need.
Lucifer: You're supposed to be on my side, you know.
Linda: No. I'm supposed to help you process your emotions so you can deal with them constructively.
Lucifer: Yes, by being on my side and realizing that I'm right.
- If that's the case, then why is he selling this?
Lucifer: Holy guacamole.
- He was lying to us. It's theirs.
- Hide one truth, you're probably hiding something else.
- Well, I wonder what that something else is.
- Looks like we have some hippies to find.
Lucifer: [Doug has Lucifer in a stranglehold] The Detective doesn't need me anymore. So come on. Do your worst.
Chloe: Don't listen to him, Doug.
Lucifer: No, go on! Go on, go on. Yank like it's your last wank. Or better still, you shoot, Detective. Come on. Two birds, one bullet, what do you say? Huh?
Chloe: [Chloe shoots Doug; he falls to the ground, releasing Lucifer] You okay?
Lucifer: I think so.
Doug: Yeah, that's because you shot me!
Lucifer: Allow me to introduce Amenadiel. My brother. Well, come on, don't look so shocked.
Chloe: I just didn't expect your brother to be... so... handsome.
Amenadiel: We're all full of surprises, it seems. I never expected my brother to change careers as he did. But I'm definitely beginning to see why.
Chloe: Lucifer, your brother got all the charm in the family.
Lucifer: All we need is your fingerprint.
Bree: Well, my finger goes wherever the lady tells me it goes.
Lucifer: I can't believe there's so much paperwork for one single convent. I mean, they're nuns, after all. How many interesting things can happen to them, really?
Chloe: Let's go talk to your friend Sharon. See if his alibi checks out.
Lucifer: She's not my friend. She's just a woman that I... No, actually, that's worse.
Lucifer: I suppose that what I call "powerless" is what everyone else calls a Tuesday.
Lucifer: Poor Pauline.
Chloe: Pauline?
Lucifer: My friend who works the intake desk at the precinct. I'm helping her through a bad breakup. We've grown quite close since yesterday.
Ella: El Espinoza called in sick, I'm afraid.
Lucifer: Ah, did he look in the mirror again? I told him not to do that.
Lucifer: [about his nightmare of Chloe's death] It's not the sort of dream I'm used to. A lot less nudity.
Linda: How's that saying go? "We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars".
Lucifer: The stars are just gas bags, and I never would have fed Oscar that line had I known how much I'd have to hear people quote it back to me.
Linda: [Stunned] Oscar freakin' Wilde? Really?
Lucifer: Mm-hmm. Now, *he* was an interesting bachelor.
Lucifer: You're clearly Booth. I'm Bones, obviously
Chloe: Obviously.
Lucifer: Kevin's autopsy report. Good.
[Flicks through the pages]
Lucifer: Now, I've been thinking, perhaps there was a slight depression on the occipital, or slight fractures to the femur? Did you know there were 206 bones in a human body? Each of them a clue, sometimes twice. And the coccyx is not what it sounds-...
Chloe: No coccyx.
Lucifer: You know I don't lie, Detective.
Chloe: But you also don't tell the whole truth.
Carver: [shouts] You. Are. A Player! Own it!
[crowd cheers]
Lucifer: [sitting up] Excuse... excuse me! Excuse me, question!
Chloe: [low] What are you doing?
Carver: The Q&A's after the speech, buddy.
Lucifer: No, but it's quite pressing. What if you have all those manly whatnots and the woman still doesn't respond?
Carver: You may think you have them, but you don't.
[Chloe nods]
Carver: That's why you're here, right?
Chloe: Hey, what's with all the gift baskets?
Jed: They're from my fans. They found out my place blew up, and they've been sending me stuff from all around the world. It's crazy how devoted they are.
Lucifer: Devoted to you? Yes, that is crazy.
Charlotte: Uriel is a stubborn boy. When he sets his mind, it doesn't waver. He's not going to give up until he has either me or that detective.
Lucifer: I refuse to believe that. There is always another way.
Lucifer: What are you doing, Detective?
Chloe: Sending him an e-mail.
Dan: What?
Lucifer: [Reads over Chloe's shoulder] "You pathetic sad sack. No wonder you didn't get tenure. Your experiments are as ugly as you are." Well said, Detective.
Dan: Seriously? Insulting a serial killer?
[Sarcastic]
Dan: That's an awesome idea.
Lucifer: Thank you.
[Turns back to Chloe]
Lucifer: Also, his mask is a bit lame. Could've been much creepier. Put that in.
Chloe: What is Trixie doing coloring crime scene photos at a desk when we have a psychotic killer in custody?
Lucifer: Well, she's done wonders with that mangled corpse, though. Very artistic.
Judd: I'm sorry for the asshole act, it's just for the cameras.
Lucifer: What do you mean, an act?
Judd: It's the best way to win the cash. I studied every season of The Cabin. 62% of the time, the villain wins. So to play the odds, that's the role I'm playin'.
Chloe: Why do you care who I'm with?
Lucifer: Because he doesn't... He doesn't deserve you.
Chloe: Then who does deserve me?
Lucifer: Someone. Someone better?
Lucifer: [undercover with Pierce as a gay couple] Plastic plates? What are we, barbarians? Don't you have any china in there?
Lucifer: What are you so upset about? I mean, it was a valuable teaching moment for the children. They are our future, after all.
Chloe: You're teaching them to grow drugs!
Lucifer: No, no, no, I'm teaching them to *sell* drugs.
Chloe: Delilah was shot to death by a drug dealer. And looks like Delilah herself kept the guy pretty busy. You know, it's sad, it's ugly, but it's not rocket science. Something probably went south between them. She gets riddled with bullets, and a nice little act of God takes him out.
Lucifer: You know, it doesn't work like that, Detective,
Lucifer: [Walking in on a suspect watching porn] LAPD. Show us what's in your hands.
Chloe: No, raise your hands above your head where we can see them.
Lucifer: Well, it might be a gun, Detective.
Chloe: [Trying not to look] It's not a gun.
Lucifer: I have a story for you, Reporter. One I've never told a human soul before. I take *no* part in who goes to Hell.
Reese: Then who does?
Lucifer: You humans.
[Chuckles]
Lucifer: You send yourselves, driven down by your own guilt, forcing yourselves to relive your sins over and over. And the best part? The doors aren't locked. You could leave any time. It says something that no one ever does, doesn't it?
- Been a while since I had a good hunt.
Lucifer: That tingling sensation running up your spine...
- Inevitability.
- And the bit running down your leg?
- Fean j'j'
Dan: [about Jed] I swear, there's a part of Chloe that will never get over his stupid chiseled face.
[Off Lucifer's look]
Dan: Sorry, man.
Lucifer: There's no need to apologize. The detective had a child with you, and I've never felt the slightest bit threatened.
[Looks at Jed]
Lucifer: You're right. He does have a stupid face.
Lucifer: You need to take me seriously. You need to believe what I'm saying. Otherwise, you'll never understand... I'm a monster. A monster who... deserves to be punished.
Linda: I believe you feel that way. And I want to understand. I truly do! But, Lucifer, you have to help me. I need you to be honest with me. Completely honest about who you are.
Linda: I think people come here to reinvent themselves, and that's why I think you're here. To reinvent yourself.
Lucifer: Why would I mess with perfection?
Lucifer: You are a patronizing, sinister... helicopter parent!
Lucifer: This is your lucky day.
Lee: It doesn't really seem like it.
Ella: Not the murder weapon. This is a .380, and the murderer used a 9mm.
Lucifer: All that means is that he hid his other gun somewhere else. So come on. Prostate exams for all the puppets.
Lucifer: Speaking of extreme, ever heard of extreme dates? Swimming with sharks? Or jelly wrestling, perhaps? That's always a good icebreaker.
Lucifer: You don't seem too bothered by my being the Prince of Darkness.
Linda: I'm willing to work within your metaphor.
Lucifer: Right.
Linda: Sometimes it's easier to make intimate issues about something bigger than yourself.
Lucifer: Well, there are few things bigger than myself.
Linda: I'm well aware.
[giggles]
Lucifer: What's your name?
Lee: Said out, bitch.
Lucifer: Mr. Said Out Bitch, tell me, what is it you really desire?
Linda: You're not concerned?
Lucifer: Oh, please. Maze and I have been through the plagues, the floods, the Dave Matthews Band.
Tourettes: Pig farts! Crash and burn.
Lucifer: Oh, I see, you're one of those. Right.
Delivery: You Dan Espinoza?
Lucifer: How dare you.
Lucifer: Hanging out with a cop in Las Vegas is like bringing your grandmother to an orgy.
Lucifer: Her? No, no. We're not together together.
Eve: But we used to be. Maybe you've read about it in a little book called The Bible.
Bashir: Read about what?
Eve: You know, the Garden, the snake, the apple.
Lucifer: The metaphors were a bit off.
Eve: That's true. The forbidden fruit was less of an apple and more like a banana. A very large banana.
Lucifer: Uh, Detective, you seem to have left on the central locking!
Chloe: Act like a child, get treated like a child.
Lucifer: Wha...? Isn't it illegal to leave your child locked in a car?
Lucifer: Well, luckily Rory does know how I feel about her. My suit from last night has the bloodstains to prove it.
Chloe: I can let my guard down with you. I don't do that with anyone else. You make me vulnerable. And... maybe that's okay.
Lucifer: Detective... if it's any consolation to your pride... it appears you make me vulnerable, too.
Lucifer: Hey, I should get my own desk.
Chloe: Not happening.
Eve: I needed to apologize for... for all of it, and everything I've put you through.
[sniffles]
Eve: But I realize... I mean, you're not this perfect guy I made you out to be
Lucifer: You suck at apologies.
Lucifer: Hmm.
God: Son?
- Uh... and your dad.
Penelope: Chloe?
- And my mom.
- Ah... ready for our double-Decker date?
Chloe: I think you're gonna miss my incredible musical prowess the most.
Lucifer: Really? I think there are a few other talents I'm gonna miss a lot more.
Chloe: What? Like my ability to snore like an Albanian field wench?
Lucifer: Yes. Exactly that.
Mazikeen: No biggie.
Lucifer: Wrong. Big biggie. Huge biggie.
- you can suss from a little church confessional.
Chloe: Help! Help!
- He... [groans]
- Pull!
- Lucifer!
Lucifer: [distorted] Enough!
Ella: Okay, so you were married to Candy for a week...
Lucifer: Uh, *two* weeks.
Jeffrey: I started seeing my ex, Emma. We had gone to counseling. It was rough at first, but ultimately it helped bring us back together.
Lucifer: Now you tell me!
Lucifer: Hello, mean girl. Did you know there's a special section of Hell reserved for bullies? So, have fun.
[she screams as he shows her demonic eyes under his human ones]
Chloe: [coming out of the principal's office] What did you do?
Lucifer: Oh... I just think someone's feeling a little guilty.
Chloe: Lucifer, you could go as Todd.
Dan: [Chuckles] Yeah, no, no, seriously. Look, he looks just like you.
[Todd is a balding, schlubby guy with glasses]
Lucifer: Has all that masturbation finally caught up with your eyesight, Daniel? No one'll believe that even if I tell them I've had a face *and* body transplant.
Mazikeen: You don't care about anyone other than yourself, unless they can be of use to you. Sound familiar?
Lucifer: [his eyes turn red] Tread very carefully, Maze.
Mazikeen: You're just like your parents.
[They start fighting]
Lucifer: Oh, enjoy your child. Have him ring me when he's old enough to go to strip clubs.
Ben: What the hell?
Lucifer: Now you're catching on.
Carmen: I would like to introduce you to the first item up for bid... the Lost Chains of St. Paul!
Amenadiel: [Watching from the crowd] Paul's wrists were too thick to fit in those chains.
Lucifer: I know. That man never could pass on dessert, could he?
Charlotte: I was getting bored with my mate and offspring, so I thought I'd dive into my employment. Not that hard once you read the law books.
Lucifer: What law books?
Charlotte: Well, all of them.
Lucifer: [a whimpering man is held prisoner, his head covered, as Lucifer and Maze come down the stairs] Finally ! The would-be Prince of Darkness.
Ronnie: Payment due upon delivery.
Lucifer: I'd like to examine the goods first.
Ronnie: Your dime.
Lucifer: [turning around the man] Right. Let's see the face of my impostor.
[Maze uncovers the man's head]
Mazikeen: [laughs] The resemblance is uncanny.
Lucifer: It most certainly is not.
[Maze giggles]
Lucifer: How could anyone think that you were me ?
The: [with a fake british accent, trying to sound assured] You know who you're messing with ? I'm Lucifer freaking Morningstar !
Lucifer: [faking surprise] Oh ! Are you now ?
Lucifer: I see what's happening here. A mysterious figure handing out favors, probably dashing and handsome. You think I'm the Sinnerman. Well, truth is...
Marcus: You're not the Sinnerman. He's smart, and calculated.
Lucifer: [aggrieved] You don't know me. Maybe I am the Sinnerman. Surprise!
Chloe: Electrocuting a colleague? Blowing up his own studio? No one would go that far just to be near me.
Lucifer: Well, I did go to Hell and back for you, twice, but who's counting?
Amenadiel: Why didn't you tell me that Eve was here, Luci?
Lucifer: Oh, please. I'm not gonna text you every time someone stays the night. Think of my data plan.
Lucifer: To Mazikeen, Queen of Hell.
Mazikeen: I was thinking 'Maziqueen'. But whatever.
Jimmy: Please don't kill me.
Lucifer: Oh, Jimmy. You're gonna wish that's all I did to you.
Josh: I thought you weren't real cops. I mean, a guy named Lucifer and the chick from Hot Tub Hotel?
Lucifer: "High School". Hot Tub High School. She wasn't in the sequel.
Marcus: I should have known that you wouldn't be able to figure this out.
Lucifer: Well, I mean, the good news is we've got all the time in the world to do so.
Marcus: For me, that's a bad thing.
Chloe: [Angrily] What are you doing?
Lucifer: Consulting!
Chloe: Then consult less.
Marcus: I wouldn't do that, Chloe.
Chloe: You don't have to do this, Pierce.
Marcus: Yes, I do. And normally, I would just skip town and reinvent myself. But this time, I can't. Not before I kill Lucifer.
Chloe: What? Why?
Marcus: Because I know that he'll never stop hunting me. And I can't afford to spend the rest of my days looking over my shoulder. But you don't have to die, Chloe. Step away from him.
Lucifer: Detective, for once, I agree with this imbecile. Step aside.
Lucifer: You see, that's just it, Detective. Eve sees me in a different way. But so do you. That's what makes you so... So special. The fact you see me that way. But I don't like how that makes me feel either.
Bobby: We never used that puppet. It was my imaginary friend's imaginary friend. The character didn't land.
Lucifer: I wonder why.
- ♪ I don't believe that anybody I
- ♪ feels the way I do I
Lucifer: Well, I'll be damned.
- ♪ backbeat, the word was on the street I
- ♪ that the fire in your heart is out I
- ♪ and I'm sure you've heard it all before I
Chloe: Thank you very much, Dr. Martin. We'll be in touch. All right, we gotta go.
Lucifer: Yes, of course, but I... I made a deal, so I'm gonna have to hold up my end of the bargain. You wouldn't mind waiting outside?
Chloe: [sotto] Are you seriously talking about having sex with her right now?
Lucifer: Well, it won't take long.
Linda: I do yoga. Hot... yoga. I'm freakishly flexible. Want to see?
[demonstrating]
Linda: Wow! I really tried to keep that one in.
Lucifer: Well, you tried; that's what matters.
[Chloe gets up to leave]
Lucifer: Uh, look, I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check. I will be back, okay?
Linda: I certainly hope so.
Lucifer: My word is my bond.
Chloe: You said it, he's the villain. If it walks like a duck, it talks like a duck, it probably murders like a duck
Lucifer: Oh, good idea, duck. Have you ever been to the Mistral? They do a wonderful duck à l'orange.
Chloe: You sent her a threatening text. "Ditch the loser from Lux."
Andy: Yeah. She said she was hooking up with some DJ named Lucifer.
Lucifer: [Outraged] DJ? How dare you!
Lucifer: First, Dad puts the detective here, and now you're trying to manipulate me with Ms. Lopez. Why does everyone think I need help meeting women?
Lucifer: [barges into Linda's office] This is all your fault. You and your epiphanies. Turns out self-help is actually self-harm.
Linda: Hey, Lucifer, it's okay to be afraid. That means we're making progress.
Lucifer: Oh, we're making progress in precisely the wrong direction!
[angrily pulls off the glove he's wearing to reveal his devil hand]
Linda: Oh, Lucifer! What's happening to you?
Lucifer: Exactly what I'd like to find out and quickly because I can't walk around like O.J. bloody Simpson forever!
Chloe: [to Jamie] Can you explain why a witness said that they saw you speeding away from Wesley's dojo this morning?
Lucifer: Welcome to Devil Time.
Chloe: What are you doing?
Lucifer: Trying out my new catch phrase.
Dan: "Welcome to Devil Time"? What the hell does that mean?
Lucifer: She knows what it means.
Jamie: ...I have no idea what that means.
Roberta: She has so much cocaine up her nose, it would snow if you shook her.
Lucifer: Yes, I've tried that.
Lucifer: [echoing] You're lucky the detective isn't here.
- You'd be cleaning my blood out of the couch.
- J' no mercy, no mercy j”
- I are you ready for the devil, man? J' j' are you ready for the devil? J'
- I are you ready for the devil, man? J'
Chloe: So, for someone with so many hit movies under their belt, why is he so broke?
Ryan: Exotic cars. Private islands. You know what costs more than an albino tiger? The upkeep on an albino tiger. He blew through his money. Didn't listen. And now there's no more coming in.
[to Lucifer]
Ryan: Thanks again.
[Leaves]
Lucifer: Such a tragedy.
Chloe: Well, it's always a tragedy when someone gets killed.
Lucifer: No, I'm talking about his tiger. I would have bought it if I'd known.
Lucifer: Extradition? We catch murderers, Detective. We don't carpool them.
Dan: You gonna help me or not?
Lucifer: Of course, Daniel.
Dan: You gonna make fun of me all day?
Lucifer: Of course, Daniel.
Lucifer: Speak of the Devil's mum.
Lucifer: Tell me, Moira. Did killing your sister make it go away?
Moira: What?
Lucifer: Your self-hatred, of course. If so, do you think if I made a dummy of myself and murdered it, it might work for me?
Lucifer: What do you want from me?
Amenadiel: I've been watching you, Lucifer.
Lucifer: You perv.
Amenadiel: And I'm not sure I like what I see. You're showing restraint, mercy.
Lucifer: You're scared I'm turning my back on the dark side, bro?
Amenadiel: Lucifer, there is a balance here that we must maintain. I strongly suggest you do what I told you to do and go back to Hell.
Lucifer: Don't threaten me, Amenadiel. I mean, you don't want to start a war.
Amenadiel: I would love a war.
Lucifer: Why do they always associate me with goats? I mean, I don't even like their cheese.
Mia: [about her affair] Before I knew it, we were...
Lucifer: Hitting a home run? Digging into the dugout? Slamming it out of the park?
Reese: She cares for you. How'd you do that? How did you convince her that the Devil, of all people, was good?
Lucifer: I don't know. I just... showed her my true self.
Reese: But how could she accept you after that?
Lucifer: Well, maybe she did because of that.
Ella: Good eye, Luce!
Lucifer: [outraged stare]
Ella: ...ifer.
Marcus: I have walked this Earth for thousands of years. I have seen everything, I have done everything. I have watched everything I've ever known turn to ashes over and over again.
Lucifer: Oh, it's almost like you're in...
Marcus: Hell? Yeah.
Lucifer: Thought you could use a hand, but...
[Sees severed hand on counter]
Lucifer: Looks like someone beat me to it.
Lucifer: My brother died.
Linda: Amenadiel?
Lucifer: No, I... another brother. I have many.
Linda: Lucifer, I'm so sorry.
Lucifer: Oh, it's fine, what's done is done.
Lucifer: Where's Maze?
Amenadiel: Well, I was gonna ask you the same question.
Lucifer: Perhaps your snoring drove her away.
Lucifer: I love sex.
Axara: What a coincidence. Me, too.
Lucifer: But, and this may be a first... I'm really not in the mood.
Chloe: I'm not afraid of you anymore.
Lucifer: You're not?
Dromos: You see, this is what I'm talking about. It's so sweet, I'm gonna puke.
Paddy: Warmed them up for you, Mr. Stompanato.
Tommy: Thanks, boys.
Trixie: [Interrupts the story] Wait, hold it!
Lucifer: Oh, for crying out loud.
Trixie: I thought you said Mr. Stompanato. "Mr." is a man.
Lucifer: Did you or did you not request a gender-balanced narrative? I'm simply following your instructions.
Lucifer: [Lucifer has been shot and is lying on the floor bleeding profusely]
[Sound of Lucifer's Heart Beating]
Lucifer: I don't know if this is all part of the plan... or if you can even hear me...
[laughing Weakly]
Lucifer: But if you're up there... DAD!...
[laughs]
Lucifer: I need a favor...
[Gasping]
Lucifer: I'll be the son you always wanted me to be...
[Choking]
Lucifer: I'll do as you ask...
[Heartbeat slowing]
Lucifer: go where you want me to... I-in exchange... all I ask... is that you protect Chloe.
[Heartbeat Stops]
Penelope: I played this role before, 16 years ago.
Lucifer: Well, maybe it's like butt stuff. Easier the second time around.
Lucifer: Glad to see you're hard at work.
Ella: You know, studies show that the brain does some of its best work when it's not trying. That's why great ideas come in the shower.
Lucifer: It's not my home, it never was.
Linda: And neither was Hell.
Lucifer: No. No, that was somewhere I was sent as punishment. Like the DMV, but less screaming.
Amenadiel: She came here for the old you. The one she remembers from the garden. The one who sowed chaos and destruction for his own amusement.
Lucifer: Now you're making me nostalgic.
Amenadiel: What's the plan?
Lucifer: Plan is to get a drink. Can't think when I'm sober.
Mazikeen: I forgot my knife. Must have left it here somewhere.
Lucifer: Oh, no, not one of your Hell-forged blades... that is a loss.
Mazikeen: Not a blade. A knife. Forged in... I don't know, China.
Chloe: So, Grey and Amanda have zero connection to the shooter. But the shooter had the same watch as Grey. That can't be a coincidence. Maybe Delilah gave him one, too, like kind of a go-to gift. I...
Lucifer: Well, that would imply she was actually sleeping with that maggot.
Chloe: Really? Jimmy, 2Vile, Grey Cooper. That's three other maggots she's sleeping with. I don't think there's a lot of discretion going on with her.
Lucifer: Yeah. I suppose you got a point.
- A woman who says she doesn't need me anymore.
Lucifer: Yeah.
- Well, I say she's wrong.
- And I'm gonna prove just what I'm willing to do for our partnership.
- That's right, rock a sweet '903 jam.
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