1000 Best Lucifer Quotes
Lucifer: Typical Vegas. Even the suicides are fake.
Lucifer: Did Joey steal from you, so you made a brutal example of him? Well, guess what? I love making brutal examples of people.
Charlotte: I guess humanity isn't entirely awful. They did make vodka. Roller coasters. Triple creme Brie.
God: You hear about dancing?
Charlotte: Yes, I actually did some of that on a table, once.
- He was the only person that could connect Perry to the Russian gang.
- I mean, without him, the entire case could fall apart.
- Oh, god.
- How very convenient for Mr. Perry.
[Whispering]: This is the worst thing that could be happening right now.
Lucifer: Remember that container that was so inelegantly taken from me?
Chloe: The one I was convinced was hiding something?
Lucifer: Yes, well, it wasn't just nesting dolls that I was looking for. There was something else, something... personal that was missing when we got there.
Chloe: I knew it. Lucifer, what was in there?
Lucifer: My angel wings.
Chairperson: [Running AA meeting] Uh, the theme of the day is your lowest point.
Lucifer: Right, my lowest point. Well, geographically, that would be Hell, of course. Hard to get much lower than that.
Amenadiel: I'm, ah... I'm trying to be good.
Trixie: *I* think you're good.
- Lucifer, stop running from the problem.
- We have to solve this case to save your life.
- So, please, help me find a clue or help me find anything.
- Detective! Chloe, how can I help you find what isn't there...
- Do you recognize her?
- I do.
- Now, I can't quite say from where.
Amenadiel: Well, I am God's greatest warrior.
Chloe: Well, as much as I love the mental image of you punching a bunch of nuns...
Chloe: Why would Destiny Page be calling a nun at a convent that she wants to buy?
Amenadiel: Well, her latest album was a testament to a new-found faith, and the one that she's working on now is supposed to continue in that vein.
[Chloe gives Amenadiel a look]
Amenadiel: Please don't tell Lucifer.
Dan: Actually, my parents are super proud of me and super alive. They're actually sponsoring an improv troupe in my honor. The Danimal Crackers.
Chloe: How'd you get in here?
Mazikeen: Let's just say Samantha at the front desk is no longer into men.
Lucifer: [to Eve's uber driver] Right, get her home safely, alright... Hold on. You're not Rafael with five stars.
Kid: [Pulls out gun] The necklace. Now!
Lucifer: I am canceling this ride.
Linda: Sex with Lucifer is the last thing you should be worried about. What you should be worried about is that he's unfathomably narcissistic, utterly terrified of intimacy, and sabotages everything good that ever happens to him. So essentially, he's the oldest, most immature person in the world. Nay, "universe".
- You tell me.
- I didn't think so.
- No.
- No, please!
- No!
- No! No!
Linda: The Angel of Death? Is he... uh, is he another one of your brothers?
Lucifer: Sister, actually.
Linda: The Angel of Death is a chick?
Lucifer: Yes, I sort of wish we were back to talking in metaphors.
Linda: That makes two of us.
Lucifer: You give your child money every time she swears? Oh, bravo, Detective.
Chloe: No, no, no. She pays for every bad word she says.
Lucifer: Ah, well, then I'm even more impressed.
Chloe: Really? Thank you, Lucifer.
Lucifer: Impressed that you extort money from your offspring. I mean, what a ridiculous idea.
- well, you... you didn't have me.
- And I understand that there are some things only I can give you.
- For instance no one knows better than I do how to...
[Yells] Party!
- If you go to San Francisco and Mira is the girl who showed up at your penthouse, if she really is your daughter, we will figure this out together, okay?
- As partners.
- I may not be certain of a lot right now, but one thing is for sure.
- I have never loved anyone the way I love you, Chloe Decker.
Mazikeen: Good luck mojoing a blind guy.
Lucifer: I don't need eyes to find out the Sinnerman's desire, ergo his weakness. There are other ways to learn what someone wants.
Mazikeen: What ways?
Lucifer: [Has no clue] Just... ways.
Lucifer: I tell them I'm the Devil. It tends to go over... well, I guess, reviews are mixed at this point.
- He stole from me, lieutenant, and I won't stand for it.
- You're not listening.
- Yes, I am.
- Now you listen to me.
- You can keep your head buried in the sand if you want to, while I go mano a sinnermano, all right?
- I've got this.
- Look at me.
- Who are you protecting?
- Please, just...
- Look at me. Look at me.
- I won't. I won't.
- I can't.
- Look at me!
- Leave me alone!
Lilith: [singing] I'm tired of being pure/ And not Chased/ Like something that seeks its level/ I wanna go to the Devil...
Lucifer: That's me.
Chloe: Rory, don't listen to him.
- Just put down the gun.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah. It's the only way she's gonna believe me.
- Come on, Rory.
- You've wanted to hurt me ever since you got here.
- So now's your chance. Pull that trigger.
- Come on, go on, shoot me.
Chloe: Please don't tell me you made reservations at somewhere fancy.
Mazikeen: Opposite of fancy. It's here.
Chloe: *Here*. Why?
Mazikeen: Well, duh, your bedroom's here. Where else are we gonna have sex?
- Absolutely. Yes, tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Good night, detective.
- Good night.
- Tether me
Trixie: You don't have kids, do you?
Charlotte: Actually, I do. Two. They live with their father.
Trixie: That makes sense.
Lucifer: [Elliot's closet is full of crocs] There's only one body part that rubber should be worn on. Not that you'd know.
Dan: I just don't know... what to do, you know.
Ella: Well, I don't recommend a downward spiral into drugs and alcohol.
Lucifer: Know this... when I find out what someone truly desires, I find out their greatest weakness. And that's not a parlor trick, Sinnerman. It's power.
- I wanna be evil
- Little evil me just as mean and evil asl can be
- Meow.
Chloe: I can let my guard down with you. I don't do that with anyone else. You make me vulnerable. And... maybe that's okay.
Lucifer: Detective... if it's any consolation to your pride... it appears you make me vulnerable, too.
- But I hope that we can find them... together.
- I mean, after all, you may be the only person on this planet who truly understands me.
- I'm not ready to give up on that.
- Guests: Aw...
Mazikeen: Yeah, well, maybe she's just using the sex toys we gave her as a thank you for agreeing to be our officiant.
Eve: We gave her a fruit basket.
Mazikeen: Exactly.
- I knew it.
- She's still upset with me, isn't she?
- You know, maze, sh-she is.
- And I...
- I'm sorry, I just... I don't...
- I don't see her getting over it anytime soon.
- and that British dude that busted up our spot.
- We need to talk to you, homes.
- Oh, I know that ese.
- We used to get into it in the yard.
[Speaking in Spanish] Hasta la vista!
Dan: Ryan, no!
- Really?
- But why do you look so worried?
- He's still retiring, isn't he?
- Oh, yeah, that's definitely still happening.
- Excellent!
- Well, I should go talk to him, get his blessing before our meddlesome siblings find out.
- Yeah... about that...
Lucifer: It's not my home, it never was.
Linda: And neither was Hell.
Lucifer: No. No, that was somewhere I was sent as punishment. Like the DMV, but less screaming.
- A lot. [Sighs]
- Okay. We divide and conquer.
- The angels take the furthest location.
- And this time, nobody goes alone.
- Désolé, monsieur. It's not personal.
- What?
- What did you say?
Linda: I think we made a real breakthrough today, Simon.
Simon: Thanks. A-And I know you're right, Linda. Not everyone's out to get me.
[Gets up to leave]
Mazikeen: [Busts into the office, holds a knife to Simon] Are you here to kill her?
Simon: No, no!
Mazikeen: That's exactly what someone trying to kill her would say.
- That ungrateful kid did not deserve this place.
- He was given everything, and he threw it all away.
- But it didn't matter.
- 'Cause he was still the favorite.
- Because he was worthy of his father's love.
- And he had a chance at redemption until you ruined it.
Lucifer: Underneath here there's prohibition tunnels everywhere. Howard Hughes used to use them to sneak his mistresses away from his other mistresses.
- This is all my fault!
- Yeah, Dan. This is all your fault.
- The murderer who killed Chloe's dad is walking free.
- It is all because of me.
- We have to do something.
- Well, we can't kill him.
- Yeah, you're right, maze, we can't.
- You're looking for someone?
- But...
- You were just over there.
- That's... that's impossible.
Lucifer: Now the sword's complete, we can get on with our plan.
[the piece falls from the sword]
Lucifer: ... Or not. Maybe there's another piece missing
Amenadiel: [Annoyed] Or maybe a dragon has to breathe on it. Who knows?
- But that husband...
- And there's children, right?
- They're going to need things.
- Oh, I'm counting on it.
- But if you truly want to be with your sons, then that's the price that you have to pay.
- We should go.
- I know that was so hard.
- And honestly, I cannot wait to get home.
- But, Lucifer, before we go...
- I have to see Dan.
- Of course. It's this way.
- Okay.
- Man: Right. Through this way. Come on.
- Keep going this way.
- Nice to see you all again.
- What. Too soon?
- Come on.
- Yeah, yeah. [Sinnerman laughs]
Belinda: His song, "Otter Vox", relies heavily on my otter sex recordings, and I have not been compensated
Lucifer: Apparently, they have 12 different types of whiskey.
Amenadiel: Yes, humans are funny with their infinite capacity for distractions.
Lucifer: It's not distraction, Brother. It's choice.
Linda: I find that people make Los Angeles their home for one of two reasons. Either they're running from something, or looking for something.
Lucifer: Oh, and which one are you?
Linda: I'm not the one on the couch, Lucifer.
Mazikeen: Did you know that Linda and Amenadiel are a thing?
Lucifer: Linda and Amenadiel are doing what now? How'd you know?
Mazikeen: Well, I saw them in her office. "Talking." They were clearly about to bone.
Lucifer: Right, you do realize that talking in her office is *literally* Linda's job?
- I warned Emily, but she wouldn't listen to reason.
- It was her own fault.
- What about the detective?
- She was just in my way, man.
- I'm not going back to jail!
Dan: Perry hired him to go behind the Triad's back to kill Boris, knowing that they'd punish him for it.
Lucifer: Clever Perry, killed two birds with one stone. Three, if you count the chicken.
Officer: I can't see through.
- Officer 2: Eyes on.
- Officer 3: Easy, easy.
- All on my lonesome.
- I'll see you later, detective.
- Was that an invitation?
- Don't ask me.
- The guy's a freaking enigma.
- Hmm.
Chloe: [Chasing a suspect in an ice cream store] Freeze!
Lucifer: Ha. "Freeze," good one.
- Tio and his tattooed buddy got into it with Aiden a couple weeks back.
- But I didn't think anything of it.
- You know where I can find him?
- J'j'
- I could get used to this place.
Michael: You know that won't kill me.
Chloe: [shoots him a couple of times] Yeah, but it makes me feel better.
- Cornelia only goes...
- To people she trusts.
- Not killers.
- Only question now is: Why, Frederick?
- I'm more than happy to discuss this with you after I tend to Cornelia.
- Or if Adriana will ever be ready to see me.
- I'm realizing it needs to be up to her.
- Coward.
- I'm not Lilith.
- If you have something you need to say to your mother, you should say it to her.
- Or some other male bonding-type experience.
- The world awaits.
- I got a lot on my plate right now.
- I'm probably gonna be working some overtime tonight.
- Rain check, then?
- Rain check.
- But you can't know that.
- Yes, I can.
- Because it's my choice.
- Oh, yeah.
- Like...
- Like it's your choice to whip out your wings right now?
- Like it's your choice, whether or not to let me in?
- So he'd take a fall?
- For the right price.
- Rumor has it that Aiden Scott was offered a hell of a deal, so we want the same.
- Well, that someone is me.
- Lovely.
- Look, I know this is a lot to take in, Chloe.
- But he is the devil.
- And he's not supposed to be here.
- And somewhere inside, you know that whatever he may seem...
- He is dangerous.
Ella: El Espinoza called in sick, I'm afraid.
Lucifer: Ah, did he look in the mirror again? I told him not to do that.
- Okay.
- Hello?
- Anyone here?
- So you took photos of your idol being arrested for murder?
- I didn't know what else to do.
- Other than what Nick would've done.
- Which is to be first, no matter what.
- Of course.
- Just a second.
- and what we have been through if we get to see tomorrow
- I hope it's worth all the wait it's hard to say goodbye to yesterday
Lucifer: This is the man forcing me from my home, he can't even make a proper suicide jump.
- You know, I've been incredibly patient with you, because I still care about you, still worry about you.
- But I just can't take it anymore.
- Okay, if I can come up with proof that he is the devil...
- Sign the papers!
- and helping catch the bad guy.
- The old Lucifer would have known that.
- Wh...
- I miss him, by the way.
- At least he had my back.
- Detective!
- Well, maybe one of them is in Chamberlain's orbit.
- If we can figure out who owes Pierce the favor, maybe we can get him to flip on him.
- It's a long shot, but...
- Yeah, but it's the best one we got so far, so...
- Yeah.
- Ironically, you look more like an angel than the two of us.
- Come on, you.
- And I'm always gonna be part of your lives.
- But we've been living in the past for too long.
- We're no, we're no good for Trixie if we're no good for each other.
- But I think we both know the truth.
- It's time we get a divorce.
Sheila: Jokes don't make a comedian. Everyone has an itchy butt joke. It's all about what you do with it.
Lucifer: What you do with your itchy butt?
Sheila: With the joke!
- But before you do, know that this wasn't some fling, that what amenadiel and I found was completely unexpected, but 100% real.
- But you were my friend.
Lucifer: [Finding Pierce at Chloe's house] I just didn't expect to see you here. On a weekend. Wearing open-toe, non-work-related Birkis.
Chloe: Lucifer, he does this. He notices things that normal people are too... normal to notice,
- Uh, by the way, you still owe me ten bucks.
- Looks like you're buying coffees tomorrow.
[Sighs] Yeah.
- Both of them.
- Go drive her home.
- Yeah.
God: But I'm sure everything will turn out just fine.
Lucifer: That's what you said about the bloody dinosaurs!
- I may never.
- I understand, detective.
- You do?
- There are no shortcuts.
- Just take all the time you need.
- Are you sure?
- Okay.
- Where are you going?
- Okay, look, we are doing everything we can to trace that e-mail, but in the meantime, did you have any connection to the poisoned student?
- Or any idea why he was targeted?
- No, until yesterday I'd never met him before in my life.
- I am going to stick to you like glue, so I can learn how to be good... at forensics.
- Stuff comes up constantly in court.
- That's great.
Uni: Hold it, please!
- Oh, I don't think so, buddy.
- I mean, what am I,
- Mother Teresa?
Chloe: You must be aware that Reina Markova was killed last night.
Myles: Yeah, I heard. Big whoop.
Lucifer: Well, for a potential cold-blooded killer, you're being quite... obvious.
Lucifer: Don't think I haven't noticed you watching me. I know what this is about.
Reese: You do?
Lucifer: Yes. And the answer is no, I will not sleep with you.
- Yeah.
- Okay, a list of everyone you've slept with in the last eight weeks.
- Right, you'll need a much bigger notepad.
- James brown: One, two, three, unh!
- J'j'
- Woman: We found his car like this.
- It's registered to Mike Carey.
Linda: [about Amenadiel] if what you say is true...
Lucifer: What? That he's got a stick so far up his ass you can see it when he yawns?
Linda: That he's a fallen angel.
Lucifer: Oh, yes, that, too.
- I didn't get to say that I hate you.
- I didn't get to say that I forgive you.
- I didn't get to say anything.
- Because she's gone.
- She died, Linda.
- Come here.
Linda: Sometimes, when someone has real feelings for someone and it doesn't work out, they shut down to anything new until they can deal with those leftover feelings.
Ned: Pleasure to really meet you. That other Ella was mean.
Ella: I can't believe Maze used me. She ruined hugging.
Dan: [Trying to do a stand-up routine] I have a friend. And... he's got a tiny penis. A micropenis. In fact, his penis is so tiny, it's not even a micropenis. It's an atomic penis.
[the crowd is silent]
Dan: Because atoms are small.
[Awkward pause]
Dan: Not because it explodes.
- J'j' used to know what was good for you j'j' j'j' used to know everything I know if j'j' but it all went away when I went crazy for you. Ll“ who are you?
- Why are you following me?
- I said, who are you?
- Oh, bravo, detective.
- Ass saved.
- You're welcome.
- His ass, not yours.
Marcus: Serial killers love talking about themselves. The more Neil talks, the more likely he'll incriminate himself.
- That certainly explains why he never gave Lily's ring back.
- Looks like Mr. Stompanato's bark was worse than his bite.
- I'm the one who couldn't... [sighs]
- No. No. Oh, my gosh. No. I...
- Mmm.
- Oh.
- Sorry.
- Oh, no, no, it's all good.
- Good.
- Yes!
Lucifer: I can think of worst places to die. For one, Florida.
Chloe: [about her birthday gift] What is it?
Lucifer: It's the bullet from when you shot me. Remember in the warehouse, early in our partnership?
Chloe: Oh. Yeah. I remember.
Lucifer: Well, I thought since I'll never likely penetrate you, I'd commemorate the one time you penetrated me.
Linda: I believe you feel that way. And I want to understand. I truly do! But, Lucifer, you have to help me. I need you to be honest with me. Completely honest... about who you are.
Lucifer: Completely honest? Are you sure?
Linda: Yes. Yes, I'm sure. That's what all of these sessions... Our entire relationship... Is all about. Getting to know the real Lucifer. No more lies. No more metaphors.
Lucifer: Very well.
- The-the girl from the jewelry auction.
- You're still hanging out with her?
- Yes. Yes, she's, uh...
- She's been staying with me.
- Hmm.
- She's...
- Never mind. So why don't we go and catch this "scary dude."
- He sounds like a worthy final killer.
- That could've gone better.
- I mean, I could have done better.
- Truth is, I don't know how to do this.
- Lucifer, this was all my fault.
- No, you can't blame yourself.
- Yes, I can, because I lied.
- Well, if not lovers, then what were we, friends?
- More like...
- Family.
- J'j'
[sobs]: I can't ta...
- Can't take this anymore.
- is because you still don't know how I feel about you?
- How is that even possible?
- I... [breathes heavily]
- If that's the case, Lucifer, then your brothers and your sisters are right, you shouldn't be god.
- It's more than that, isn't it?
- You're afraid of being a bad mother, aren't you?
- And why do I get the feeling you have a good reason for that.
[Chuckles] But don't worry.
- Hell's being looked after,
- I promise you.
- And the more I think about it, the more it might just stay that way.
- I don't have time for traitors.
- I get you don't want to talk to me.
- But someone else is here to see you for a favor.
- Not in the mood, maze.
- Trust me.
- You don't want to miss this one.
- I thought I would come to earth to be with my sons.
- Instead, Lucifer is obsessed with his human job, and you're still your father's loyal soldier.
- I'm tired of fighting for things that I'm never gonna have.
- So just take me back, amenadiel.
- I'm ready.
- Oh, no, no.
- Iwouldn't dream of it.
- J'j' oh, right, you can't see.
- Allow me to paint you a picture.
- Meet hell's most brutal torturer.
- The pleasure's all mine.
Chloe: [Looking at Jana's phone] All threatening texts. All sent from the same number. This last one, just before she got to your place.
Lucifer: "Ditch the loser from Lux"? Oh, this is terrible. She was seeing someone else at Lux?
Chloe: I think it means you.
Chloe: [On the phone] I know that this is tough, but I think it's best if we talk to Jay first. So, have you had any luck finding him?
Ella: [With Jay] No. No luck.
Chloe: Okay. Okay. Well, let us know if you do.
[Hangs up]
Chloe: She's lying.
- No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- It-it is imperative that we go now.
- It's imperative that you sleep.
- You clearly...
- I can't sleep!
- Detective, I can't sleep.
Chloe: Ella, are any of these pieces here big enough to get a partial from?
Ella: Probably not. But, hey, someone invented glue for a reason. Right?
Chloe: You're going to reassemble all those pieces?
Lucifer: I'm fairly certain there are people in Hell being forced to do exactly that right now.
Ella: Oh, I was the kind of kid who did jigsaw puzzles picture-side down.
- Look, I'm gonna bail, so...
- Look,
- Lux is under new management, which means new rules.
- No one sells drugs in my place...
- Without me getting a piece of the action.
Linda: [officiating Eve's and Maze's wedding] Between Heaven and Hell, there's an imperfect place. Our place, here on Earth. That's where these two women met. One who sees the best in people, and one who can torture the worst out of them. But these two women, they understood each other, and together they made, in this imperfect place, something that might actually be perfect.
- If you have feelings for her, you gotta tell her.
- I kinda tried that.
- You know, it kinda backfired.
- So then find a way to show her.
- Grand gesture and all that.
- What do you have to lose?
- Amenadiel...
- I promise you we will find whoever did this.
- That cartoon.
Lucifer: Oh, the style is quite familiar.
- This must be the heart of his torture.
- Oh, she's his mother.
- Just watch your cartoons, Jimmy, and everything will be fine.
- I'll be right back.
- Uh... right.
- Did klumpsky ever meet his inspiration?
- Did he ever get a good look at him?
- No.
- Are you sure?
- Five broken ribs, a torn rotator cuff, and "it's a small world" on repeat. Yeah, I'm sure.
[Short chuckle] Yes, I know, it does sound absurd, doesn't it?
- So, as such, there's really only one way to prove my theory.
- Where did I...
- Ah, there it is.
Chloe: If anyone can find something, it's you, Ella.
Ella: [goes to hug Chloe] Aw, that is so sweet!
- Everything in its time, son.
- For now,
- I don't wanna hear you speak a word of my retirement again.
[Grunts] Heard and understood.
- You won't hear another word about your retirement come out of these lips.
Malcolm: I'm ready now. So tell me who do you want me to kill?
Amenadiel: His name is Lucifer Morningstar.
Eve: I killed him... and-and-and then, I... kind of, sort of summoned a demon from Hell into his body?
Lucifer: What?
Eve: It seemed like a good idea at the time.
- or I'll finish what I started with your detective.
- The car accident.
- You made a deal with dad.
- Time to pay up. So...
- Bring mom to me, or I'll take back what dad gave you.
- J'j'
Dr. Liam Garrity: Legally, I can't let you look at Dale's medical file... But, um... What happens when I turn away is, um, out of my hands.
Chloe: Thank you.
Dr. Liam Garrity: [Turns to his phone] Ooh, look, a Nigerian prince needs my help. Wow.
Chloe: [to Dan] If you're upset about what the lieutenant said, you're not alone. He's not a fan of mine, either. And I still can't believe he called me "Lucifer's partner."
Lucifer: You are my partner!
Lucifer: We need to bust Maze out. Let's smuggle her something she can use to escape.
[Looks around, grabs a stabler and a sandwich]
Linda: What about Michael?
Amenadiel: No. Definitely not Michael.
- the devil can depend on that.
- Yes, you can.
- Whatever the danger,
- I'll be there to stop it.
- Whether you see it coming or not.
- That's my maze.
- Okay. J''cause now you got me crawling ♪
Linda: I'm going to give you 60 seconds then re-surge your heart.
Lucifer: Sixty seconds? I've had orgasms that last longer.
Linda: [after Maze throws out the stripper she was making out with] Maze! What are you doing? Hey! I liked that guy! He smelled like chlorine and butterscotch fudge.
Chloe: What planet are you from... London?
Chloe: [Watching a video of Maze apparently stabbing a guy] You told her to blow off some steam?
Lucifer: Well, I was really hoping she'd choose Catalina.
- Well, then there's gonna be a problem.
- You a crazy pig, homes.
- Respeto.
- But the only problem we got is figuring out what we're going to do with your body.
- Métalo.
Lucifer: Mum and Dad together are their own worst punishment.
- just the chap to help this devil get his groove back.
- What do you say?
[Chuckles] That sounds fun.
- Yeah.
- Uh...
- But I'm afraid I have a previous engagement.
- 0h?
- Lucifer, what are you doing?
- Well, I figured there's no reason for us to lose our heads just because Boris lost his.
- I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me dad.
- You see? Never easy.
- You have a futon, right?
Lucifer: There he is.
- What are you talking about?
- We just beat Santa.
- Who are you?
- It's me, dad.
- Lucifer.
- Does someone want to tell me what the hell is going on?
- Get me out of these damn things.
- Look at the wallpaper.
Pete: And the carpet. Does it...
[Both] Ring a bell?
- She lives in this apartment building.
Chloe: On the ninth floor.
- Lucifer, let's go.
- Yeah.
- I'll take this way.
Chloe: For now, I'm going to stick to police work and avoid anything God-related.
[Cut to crime scene at a nunnery]
Chloe: Hilarious.
Lucifer: Detective! Hiii.
Chloe: So you're saying you didn't write that threatening note?
Brian: No, that's not even my handwrit... look, look at it.
[Points]
Brian: It's so sloppy. Of course, what do you expect from someone clueless enough to put a whole body into a wood chipper? II mean, saw before you mulch. Everyone knows that.
- in hell imagining our reunion.
- Getting my partner back, getting...
- Getting you back and now...
- I just thought it would go differently.
- Yeah. Me too.
- I thought what we had was real.
Tío: Where are you two from?
Lucifer: [Speaking at the same time] Down south.
Amenadiel: Up north.
Amenadiel: [Charlie is crying incessantly] If you're going to stay... You have any ideas how to stop this?
Lucifer: Have you tried whiskey?
Zack: The other day, someone came looking for him.
Lucifer: Ah, was it a... a hot woman, perhaps? Angry? Leather? Lots of knives?
Chloe: Or someone completely different? Like a dude? Like a fat, happy dude?
Linda: Emotions... emotions are hard. But that's why they make you strong. And this is... This is the strongest I've ever seen you.
[Chuckles softly] Well, apparently, this fahrid guy, real sketchy dude.
- Okay, my brother is literally the one who determines if diamonds are legit.
- Okay? That's the polar opposite of sketchy.
- So if he was here, he had his reasons.
Lucifer: But you are here on Earth, so, if it's any consolation, you couldn't do worse than our father.
Amenadiel: How do you know that?
Lucifer: Because ours was literally never there.
- Don't have to worry about that, we're good.
- Listen, you...
- You don't have to know every little detail about someone as long as you already know their heart.
- Right.
- Right.
Chloe: How?
- Lexy's bloody clothes.
- I was supposed to get rid of them, and I didn't.
- I didn't even care about Harvard.
- Lexy just wanted me to be someone I'm not, and I should've stood up to her before anybody got hurt.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's me.
- Forget the building,
- I need a smaller charge.
- Foi' say, one person.
- Don't worry about that.
- I'm going to do this one myself.
- Put your hands up!
- I'm not putting my hands above my head!
- Don't make me shoot you!
- I don't want to shoot you!
- Put your hands on your head!
Dan: Stand down! Stand down!
- He's my friend! He's a friend.
- You okay?
Lucifer: I'm trying to recreate their first date.
Linda: You're... What? Wait. You're trying to Parent Trap God and the Divine Goddess?
Lucifer: What? It worked in the movie.
- Her boyfriend, I don't know.
- She wanted to go over to his place, he threatened to kill her.
- Oh! Excuse me.
- Oh, it's you.
- Ella's got something.
- Which you would know, because now that Tim's gone, you took control.
- That's an interesting turn of events.
- You are messing with the wrong people, detective.
- Good people.
- Back off.
Lucifer: Now, this poor victim, *she* is boring.
Chloe: We don't know anything about her.
Lucifer: Oh, don't we?
[Looks around apartment]
Lucifer: Generic artwork, dull clothes, beige furniture. I mean, even her fruit bowl's so tragically safe... No mangoes, no papayas. Not even a measly avocado.
Amenadiel: I can't allow you to defy my father or drag my brother into one of your schemes to remove your mark. This ends now.
Marcus: Okay.
Amenadiel: [Surprised Pierce agreed so quickly] ... Really?
- It's my calling.
- Lucfieh well, maybe I don't need to...
- Lucifer.
- Listen.
- If you're feeling any doubt at all, remember that we're doing this for Rory's sake.
- California has no private beaches, which means...
- Someone must have put the signs up illegally.
- And look here.
- One person was cited dozens of times for posting at carbon.
- To you, detective.
Lucifer: I've gotten to know all of you in my time here, which is what makes this, my final case, so difficult.
[Turns to guy]
Lucifer: Dougie, in the motor pool, who helped put a siren on my car, thank you for that.
[Turns to young uni]
Lucifer: Cacuzza, in evidence, who always let me inspect the cocaine seizures first.
[chuckles]
Lucifer: And you, nameless uni, I think I'll miss you most of all.
- Thanks.
- Why are you doing this?
- Because I think you're onto something.
- So go figure it out while
- I buy you some time.
- And... be careful.
- All right?
- But you're not, luci.
- So, if you really want to know if you're a worthy romantic partner...
- Ask yourself.
- J'j'
- Can you guys hear me?
Mazikeen: I've been thinking, and I've decided. I don't care if you die.
Eve: That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.
- I made them with cream...
- Just like you like.
- What happened with your eye?
- Nothing.
- Jack, I know you're still sore with me, but you can't just...
- Excuse me. I lost my appetite.
- God forbid a man gets a moment's peace around here.
Chloe: We need to get inside Ella's head, figure out where she's taking Jay. If you were her, where would you guys go?
Lucifer: Ooh, ahhh, strip club.
Dan: Comic-con.
Lucifer: Bar!
Dan: Forensics convention.
Lucifer: Strip club!
Dan: Dude, you already said that. Why would Ella take her brother to the strip club?
Lucifer: For the free buffet.
Amenadiel: There I was. wandering the corridors of Hell, when... I heard a voice. A voice that I never expected to hear in Hell.
Lucifer: Who was it? Mother Teresa, Mr. Rogers? Adele?
Chloe: You were buying her Adderall?
Brian: Yeah. Me and half the block. How do you think I had the energy to be out there every night, all night?
[Chuckles]
Brian: I mean, June changed my life. I learned *Mandarin*. I built a deck, I lost 40 pounds.
[Man] Evening, ladies.
- Hi.
- Evening.
- We are here to play poker.
Candy: I was fired once. But you know what I did? I just kept showing up and made myself expandable.
Linda: Oh, uh, do you mean indispensable?
Candy: No. Expandable. I got a boob job, and it totally expanded my horizons.
- {935951 -[Maze grunts]
Chloe: Meg?
Mazikeen: You know what they say. "Happy wife, happy life".
Linda: Of all the cities in the world, Lucifer, why did you decide to come to Los Angeles?
Lucifer: Well, the same reason as everyone else. Uh, the weather, porn stars, Mexican food... mm!
Linda: You know, you say... you say people are phony here, but I think people come here to reinvent themselves. And I think that's why you're here. To reinvent yourself.
Lucifer: Why would I mess with perfection?
- Does she?
- All right, well...
- Once upon a time...
- The devil went to New York City.
- The year...
- Was 1946.
Chloe: Are you considering moving back home?
Ella: Well, I mean, you guys know how much I love it here, but... they're my family.
Chloe: So, you know, yeah. Well, Ella, you know, I'm... I'm trying to be supportive, but...
Lucifer: Well, I'm not. Don't you dare go.
Lucifer: Why do humans think they can rectify one evil with another?
Lucifer: What's your greatest desire?
Grace: My greatest desire... is to stop shooting this exploitative garbage.
Lucifer: Garbage? What are you talking about? What you're doing is art.
Chloe: Is it, though?
Lucifer: Well, despite the unwelcome reminder of Dad and my wings, I've never wanted pudding more in my life.
- I never thought I would say this about a book, but I can't wait to dig in.
- Ho, ho. Neither can I.
- Ah! Doctor, I am beginning to suspect, you should've done a bit more editing before sharing your manuscript with others.
- You think?
Ella: Hey, Maze. Oh, my God, I have that exact same shirt!
Mazikeen: Yes, you did!
Ella: [On Axara's twitter] Well, I've gone through them all, and on a scale of #ILoveYouAxara to #IWantToLiveInYourSpleen, there's, like, a zillion suspects.
Lucifer: A zillion and one if you count me.
Chloe: You weren't even aware of her until this case.
[Lucifer scoffs]
Chloe: Okay, name your favorite song.
Lucifer: Well, um, there's so many...
- I don't wanna leave you.
- I don't want you to leave either.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, because I've come such a long way from breaking hell, inflicting pain...
[Sobbing] ...And driving everyone away.
- All I know is the mazikeen
- I used to know wouldn't have hesitated to kill the guy.
- You plunged two rods into her skull to make her look like the devil. But, you know what, she's not the devil... I am.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho! There we go!
- I love a game of poker. Go on, I'll give you a freebie, just to make it interesting.
- How is this possi...? [Grunts]
Lucifer: His desire was to become the new Godfather, a Scarface for millennials.
Chloe: You introduced him to the mob?
Lucifer: ...I may have gotten him an internship.
- Well, since you shot Lucifer, it must mean you really like him.
- Hmm.
- You know, it is bedtime, you little weasel.
- You weasel. I'm gonna get you.
- Story time! Story time!
Lucifer: If all the apples are bad, maybe it's the tree that's the problem.
Marcus: We just spent the last half hour wandering past billboards of women's lingerie.
Lucifer: And your problem is?
Linda: Amenadiel. Is there a shorter version of that? Does anyone ever call you "Amen"?
[He gives her a look]
Linda: Probably not.
Amenadiel: You would be the first.
Dan: And I don't have any demons. Unless you count the fact I've been working with the Devil for the last few years, but that's, you know, out of my control.
Charlotte: I was getting bored with my mate and offspring, so I thought I'd dive into my employment. Not that hard once you read the law books.
Lucifer: What law books?
Charlotte: Well, all of them.
Linda: Maze, how can we be friends? You're a... you're a demon. Lucifer's the Devil. How am I supposed to get over that?
Mazikeen: He's still the same old Lucifer. You're still Dr. Linda Martin. And I'm still Maze. What's changed?
- Detective, I...
- I don't have time to argue with you, Lucifer.
- I realize how bad this can go, but I don't have a choice.
- This is my daughter.
- Promise me you'll let me go alone.
- Fine.
- You have my word.
Lucifer: Never bring a knife to a devil fight.
- Why? No matter what I say or do, you're not gonna believe me.
- So what's the point?
- Wait! You don't have to do this.
- Oh, Ms. Lopez.
- You still think he's innocent?
Chloe: "Church of the Dark Prince." Location is secret. Looks like you have to be a member. Geez, look at this questionnaire. Oh, and of course, There's a fee.
Lucifer: $200? Sinful.
Amenadiel: You're very wise, Linda.
Linda: Thanks, Amen.
Amenadiel: Mmm...
Linda: Yeah, it doesn't work, does it?
Frederick: A dog is supposed to be man's best friend, not man's best replacement. Do you know what it's like to be kicked out of your own bed by a DOG?
Mazikeen: What is it?
Linda: I thought someone was following me.
Mazikeen: Who?
Linda: You! You are following me.
Lucifer: I think for the sake of the detective, I'm going to take a time-out from my Dans-formation.
- Where is she?
- Hey, get out of my house!
- Mira!
- Mira!
Mira: Dad?
- You're not the girl from my penthouse.
Carver: [shouts] You. Are. A Player! Own it!
[crowd cheers]
Lucifer: [sitting up] Excuse... excuse me! Excuse me, question!
Chloe: [low] What are you doing?
Carver: The Q&A's after the speech, buddy.
Lucifer: No, but it's quite pressing. What if you have all those manly whatnots and the woman still doesn't respond?
Carver: You may think you have them, but you don't.
[Chloe nods]
Carver: That's why you're here, right?
- then you should go home.
- I can't.
- I can't face my father as a failure.
- Look, I have a job to do.
- There's no choice.
- I understand.
Dan: Did you spike my coffee?
Lucifer: It's the only way to get through yet another tedious and useless task. You're welcome.
- Detective, I think
- I've been spending too much time with you.
- It's turned my top hat radar rusty.
- What?
- But no offense, but I think I need to go and hang out with some interesting people before you turn me into a shoe.
Sister: We're so blessed God sent you here to find who did this, Detective.
Chloe: Oh. Mm, yeah. Well, yes. That's what God does. Yep. Mm. Sends me here, sends me there, kills a nun, just so I can meet all of you.
Lucifer: Based on the security around that doorway over there, and the fact I've been here many times before, that is an illegal gambling den.
- What with Lily going away, and daria and Naomi dead,
- I believe that there's an apartment vacancy.
- Are you seriously suggesting that I should move into a dead girl's apartment?
- No, no, no, the killer's place is much nicer.
- I mean, just look at this view!
- Actually, my parents are super proud of me and super alive.
- They're actually sponsoring an improv troupe in my honor.
- The danimo crackers. [Laughs]
- What about siblings?
- I'm an only child, maze.
- Honestly, how do you not know this stuff?
- Look, it's not a paternity test.
- Get you to holster these wings of death?
- Thank you.
- Now...
- Can I get you a drink or a Xanax, maybe?
- No? Fine, fine.
- I don't believe this.
Eve: Uh, what am I looking at?
Lucifer: Demons from Hell. In freshly dead bodies.Well, it's both something old and something new in something borrowed with plenty of nasty blue bits. So I'd call that a grand slam.
Chloe: So, for someone with so many hit movies under their belt, why is he so broke?
Ryan: Exotic cars. Private islands. You know what costs more than an albino tiger? The upkeep on an albino tiger. He blew through his money. Didn't listen. And now there's no more coming in.
[to Lucifer]
Ryan: Thanks again.
[Leaves]
Lucifer: Such a tragedy.
Chloe: Well, it's always a tragedy when someone gets killed.
Lucifer: No, I'm talking about his tiger. I would have bought it if I'd known.
- Nah. Free lot over on 6th.
- Maggie isn't just a job-hogging bitch, she's a cheap job-hogging bitch.
[Chuckles]: Right.
- Well, come on, detective, chop-chop.
- More dead-end clues aren't gonna find themselves.
- I said I want to spar, bitch.
- Bitch? [Chuckles]
- Okay. Okay.
- Don't say I didn't warn you... bitch.
- Come on.
- -[Chloe screams] {Shafienng]
- Oh, yes, but she's not home.
- Why, did you get in a fight?
- I'm sorry, it's none of my business.
- It's just, my husband...
- Always gave me flowers after an argument.
- Are you all right?
- I'd use you to remedy a situation that I've mishandled, and annoy you in the process.
- Kill two birds with one prayer sort of thing, hmm?
- Luci...
- You should've taken the offer.
- Oh.
- Drop the weapon.
- I'm on him! Cut him off!
- Chloe, wait!
- Well, slightly better than good.
Lucifer: But I meant as a person, Linda.
- I hope you know that you truly are one of the most wonderful friends that the devil could ever have.
- I do now, Lucifer.
Lucifer: I'm not the one who hid a gun up a puppet's backside. Or have all the puppets got guns in them? If so, I'll set my DVR.
- You were put here on earth only for him, to be his little plaything.
- Now, isn't that special?
- I don't believe you.
- It's time for you to go.
- Get out!
Chloe: Amenadiel. You're my dad?
Amenadiel: [laughs, then clear throat] Of course not.
Chloe: So "laid a blessing" isn't a euphemism?
Lucifer: Well, not in this case, at least.
- Yeah.
- That's exactly why I'm here.
- Chloe is the mother of my child, you imbecile.
- You want to work this case?
- Take care of her.
- Sir, yes, sir.
- j " take me to your river ♪ j " I wanna go ♪ j " oh, go on ♪ j " take me to your river ♪ j " I wanna know ♪
Azrael: Since I couldn't really be with her, and I couldn't be with you, I thought at least two of my favorite people could be together.
- just as much as you do.
- Why? Because you're feeling guilty?
- Why would I feel guilty?
- Because you're the one who performed the little miracle on the detective's mum in the first place.
- That wasn't my...
Chloe: You what?
Lucifer: I sympathize with what Daniel's going through, but I refuse to be a scapegoat for which something I bear no responsibility. It's a theme in my life.
Michael: It's all part of a bigger plan.
Chloe: Plan? What, to make me dislike you even more?
Michael: No. But... Spoiler alert! It is gonna be epic.
Chloe: How do we find three demons and a baby?
[a passing cop gives them a look]
Lucifer: Three Demons and a Baby. That's one of my favorite movies.
[both chuckle awkwardly]
Lucifer: Not as good as the original, though.
- but all the things you try to hide will be revealed on the other side in the afterlife you could be headed for the serious strife now you make the scene all day and tomorrow there 'il be hell to pay
Dan: He's a dude and he's straight.
Lucifer: That's never stopped me before, Daniel. I'm so good at flipping men, they call me "The Skillet."
Charlotte: You know this darkness that you say you see in me? I've been trying to address it, and, uh, details would help.
[Picks up dropped murder weapon]
Charlotte: So, where do you see it, exactly? How? When?
Ella: Like, now. Right about there.
[Gestures to the knife]
Charlotte: Oh.
[Puts it down]
Ella: Little better. But you know, still, you don't exactly scream rainbows and sunshine, even when you're not wielding murder weapons.
Charlotte: Well, for the record, I wouldn't stab you, not here, with all these cops around.
[Ella looks freaked out]
Charlotte: Oh, come on, that was funny.
Ella: Oh, yeah.
[laughs tensely]
Ella: Ha, ha. Funny. Also dark.
Lucifer: Hello, murderer.
- tell me, is this depravity really all you want out of life?
- Hmm?
- I want to win a pulitzer for photography.
- Pulitzer?
- Really? Do you hear that, chaps?
- Yeah, they don't give out pulitzers for nip slips.
- I do. I'm... I'm trying.
- But could you?
[Sniffles] I...
- I don't know.
- Then I have my answer.
- ♪ in a world on fire I
Lucifer: Our dung beetle is protecting someone who's following in his footsteps. Protégé, perhaps.
Chloe: I found out someone else was following Robbie, and someone's been uploading photos online today from Nick's company. Last one was posted one hour ago from a party that's still happening. Our killer could be there.
[leaves]
Lucifer: [staying at the bar, glass in hand] Right.
Chloe: Are you coming or what ?
Lucifer: Oh sorry, I thought this was the part where you leave me behind and say something like "Lucifer, Stay. Good devil."
Chloe: I'd rather keep my eye on you.
- You abandoned me, mum.
- You just stood by and watched as I was cast out.
- Thrown into hell and vilified for all eternity.
- There aren't enough cheesy noodles in the universe to fix all that, I'm afraid.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm. All good.
- Just on my way out.
- Something's seriously bothering her.
- Hmm?
- Oh, I hadn't noticed.
- But you did.
U.S. Marshal Luke Reynolds: I kept tabs on him, made sure he was safe. Failed pretty spectacularly at that, though, didn't I?
Lucifer: You certainly did.
[Chloe glares at him]
Lucifer: Well, he asked.
- ♪ love as simple as a mother and a baby child I
- ♪ then you rocked our cradle and we fell out of love j”
- J' whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
- Everybody, be cool!
- Don't try it! Detective Decker,
- I need you to listen to me carefully.
- Much as I appreciate the well-timed interruption, you can't just walk into my club...
- Lucifer!
Bree: Slayed you before you slayed me! Ashes to ashes, you bastard!
- Maze... why are you defending him?
- Because he promised me a soul.
[Laughs] That's impossible.
- Why? Because I'm "just a demon"?
- Exactly.
Chloe: You don't get to decide who gets punished and how!
Lucifer: That's exactly what I do.
Lucifer: Do we get to kick in the door? As your self-sacrificing partner, I volunteer to go first.
Chloe: No, there'll be no kicking in of anything, unless we have a warrant, or people are in immediate danger. You better start taking this case seriously.
Mazikeen: If I ever see you and that boy toy in Los Angeles again, I will gut that pretty belly of yours. Everyone knows you don't steal from the Devil.
Mazikeen: Fancy pants rich kids are vipers and Trixie will slash them with her words. And I will teach her the knives.
- Detectives, found something in the master bedroom.
- Found this here in the bed.
- And it matches the missing fingernail of the victim.
- Isn't this Ty's bedroom?
- Yeah, looks like they did a lot more than talk.
Lucifer: My shenanigans leading to a break in the case? That is quintessential Deckerstar.
[Chloe rolls her eyes]
Lucifer: And the eye roll. Now you're getting it.
Charlotte: Well, it's not my fault humans can't handle the divine.
- We did everything that we could.
- We're just too late.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- If I believed in "too late"
- I wouldn't be doing any of this.
- No, we are not giving up.
- After all, you don't quit when you're doing god's work.
Dan: I don't like Lucifer.
Reese: Really?
Dan: For starters, someone's been stealing my pudding. And I don't think it's a coincidence that it all started when he showed up.
- Yeah, well, we can't do that.
- He's dead.
- Oh.
- Um...
- You still want the painting though, right?
- Uh...
- -but I...
- No, you're not.
- Come here.
- You're auntie maze, and you will always be a member of this family.
Chloe: He had a drug problem, right?
Lucifer: Well, only if you consider ingesting millions of dollars of cocaine a problem. I call it a Tuesday. But apparently it's frowned upon.
- It's like missing a part of yourself that can never be replaced.
- Well, as a mother myself, I can't imagine what you're going through.
- We will help you find your daughter.
- Oh, absolutely.
- Uh, your daughter, who definitely, definitely isn't my daughter.
Chloe: Once I shot Lucifer to prove he was the Devil, and now I'm shooting you to prove that you're not.
Linda: Forgiving yourself. It's not as easy as you think. It doesn't happen overnight.
Lucifer: Well, if you were still my therapist, I might listen to you.
Linda: No, you wouldn't.
- Thanks, Lucifer. This was fun.
- Oh, don't exaggerate.
- You got the story?
- I taught you well, kid.
- Once upon a time, the devil went to New York City.
- The year was 1946...
- Okay.
- All right.
- All right, Lucifer and I will go question blanco.
- And, well, you just stay here at the precinct where it's safe.
- Thanks, cherry Jane.
- What would I do without you?
Chloe: Okay.
- Funny.
- Come on, I'm just joking.
- Ah, detective douche, detective stache.
- What a pleasant surprise.
- Did you find anything?
- Place seems empty.
Lucifer: [after pretending to be a priest and listening to a confession] For your penance: ten bloody Marys and a good shag.
Ella: Oh, my God, Maze. I know what you're doing, okay? And pretending to be me is stupid. I... I am clearly no role model. I'm just a magnet for losers.
[Points to the sketchy guy she had just been making out with]
Bad: Bitch
Ella: See?
Lucifer: I'd do a spit take but it's single malt.
- with that mentally ill nightclub owner, w-what's-his-name.
Erika: [ecstatic] Lucifer!
- Lucifer!
Lucifer: That's right, say my name. Say my name.
Charlotte: Lucifer?
- Is anyone here?
Lucifer: You've managed to offend the detective more than anyone, to the point where she actually divorced you. Yet, you always seem to bounce back. How?
Dan: Okay, first off... Our divorce was mutual.
- I can't.
- Why?
- I don't know how to.
- I don't even know where to begin.
- But...
- But what?
Chloe: There's Chet. I'll go talk to him.
Charlotte: You know, that's wise. You seem more his type than me, and you're not particularly intimidating, so that should help.
Chloe: Help what?
Charlotte: Well, in seducing him, of course
Chloe: I'm not gonna seduce him, Charlotte.
Charlotte: Not with that posture you're not. Fine. I'll do it.
Chloe: No. No. There's gonna be no seducing!
- -j” watch me take it away j”
- -[Engine revs]
- J” so watch me take it away... j”
- Obviously, "r" is for reverse, not "really fast."
- -J” watch me take it away j”
- -[Lucifer shouts]
- J” watch me take it away. J” j'j'
Lucifer: I love L.A. Even the homeless have an IMDb page.
Chloe: The killer inserted a knife into her throat, made two very precise cuts, slashing her vocal cords.
Chloe: Sounds like someone went to a lot of trouble to make a point.
Lucifer: Yes, I smell an annoyed neighbor who's tired of her singing.
Lucifer: Well... I never thought I'd say this, but... enjoy the rest of your life.
Kimo: I'd never hurt Wesley. We were friends.
Chloe: Huh. Could've fooled me.
Kimo: We had a public rivalry, but-but it was just for business. In reality, we share everything. The same managers, agents, lawyers...
Chloe: Wives?
- Adam?
- Look at me now top of the world not coming down look at me now...
- It's time to come home, babe.
- Look at me look at me now
[Softly]: Yes.
- About bloody time.
- How do we know each other?
- You were my mom.
- I know.
- I know.
- Please, have a seat.
- There is, uh, there is so much to explain.
Chloe: Any news on the move to Detroit?
Ella: Detroit schmetroit.
- And I'd give anything to have another chance at being a supporting partner.
- Okay, mom.
[Sniffles] I hear you.
[Sniffles] You wanna stay for dinner?
- We have dessert.
Mazikeen: Can't believe you called the cops.
Chloe: Maze, for the last time, stop telling people to not call the cops.
Ella: Ixnay on the ot-nay andy-cay.
Lucifer: Sorry, is that German? 'Cause if it is, it's absolutely awful. Trust me, I should know. Hitler was a talker. Well, screamer, actually.
- Baby?
- Come on, this isn't funny!
Ella: You see the bruising and the semi-circular marks on her neck?
Chloe: Strangled.
Lucifer: Aha. Long fingernails, which means the killer's female.
Ella: Not necessarily. I mean, the marks aren't deep. It could just be a dude who's not serious man-groomer.
Lucifer: Come on. It's so obvious; your cinder-hellion had just plunged a screwdriver into the poor lad, when she was interrupted by the chambermaid, who she then snuffed out with her bare hands.
Chloe: Chambermaid? Who's the killer, Mrs. Peacock in the library with the candlestick?
Caleb: What kind of bullshit, fantasy world do you be living in, man? I mean, look what happened to you. You didn't even do anything and you almost got shot. The only truth that matters is theirs.
Chloe: Are you saying you don't believe in Lucifer?
Onyx: Look, mate, the devil ain't gonna buy me an Aston Martin.
Lucifer: Well, not with that attitude, he won't.
Trixie: What's your name?
Lucifer: Lucifer.
Trixie: Like the Devil?
Lucifer: Exactly.
Trixie: My name's Beatrice, but everybody calls me Trixie.
Lucifer: That's a hooker's name.
Trixie: What's a hooker?
Lucifer: Ask your mother.
[Sighs] Wow.
- I almost believe you care.
- Have you ever known me to lie?
- I don't know.
- I don't know.
- Why don't we take five?
- I mean, if there's one thing that I've learned coming back is that you got to take advantage of the time you have with your kid before it all goes away.
- And you're lucky because because she's still out there.
- Somewhere.
- Go, get her.
- Tomorrow?
- Go home. You're tired.
- Okay. Fine. But, only if I can borrow these.
- Well, I promise
- I'll bring them back.
- Please don't.
- Ew.
- to be counseled by whomever they choose.
- She can be my lawyer.
- I understand your confusion.
- You're very attractive.
- I've found that can also mean you're not very intelligent.
- If it's all right with you, I...
- Maybe I could come with you.
- It's a long ride to des moines, Jack.
- Good.
- Give us a chance to talk.
- Come here.
- I'm sorry you didn't get what you wanted.
- I'm sorry you didn't either.
- Doesn't mean I won't.
- What does that mean?
- That it ain't over till it's over.
- For either of us. [Whooshes]
Charlotte: My angel. I will miss you, so much.
Belinda: [Tracking rattlesnakes] Do you know how long I have been waiting for copulation?
Lucifer: You and me both.
Belinda: Clearly, you're not aware of how rare sound recordings of rattlesnake sex are?
Lucifer: Well, it's not my strong suit, no.
- because, deep down, you actually believe that you don't deserve her love.
- Because she's so perfect and...
- You're just, well...
- Unworthy.
- Awfully insightful of you, Lucifer.
- Maybe you should become a therapist.
- I was angry at my father too.
- For a long time.
- I was also angry at myself.
- I thought I was a monster, that I must have done something or been something to make myself unworthy of his love.
Lucifer: Welcome to Devil Time.
- J'j'
- ♪ where you gonna run to, all along them days? J”
- ♪ please hide me, I run to the rock I where you got this one going to?
- San Diego.
- Who gave that order?
Trixie: You have a piano up here?
[She runs up to inspect it]
Lucifer: Yes, but no! Please! Please don't touch that. I don't know where you've been.
Chloe: Right now, Maze needs a different kind of help.
Lucifer: What, some strong drugs and a lobotomy?
Lucifer: All my self-hatred is also self-inflicted. No one to blame but myself on that.
- Did you notice the words of endearment between the detective and me?
- As I had mentioned previously, we're together.
- Uh-huh.
- Together-together.
- Completely committed. No more
- "will-they-won't-they" shenanigans.
Chloe: They're shooting their ad campaign here on Stage 69.
Lucifer: [On his phone, not listening] Mm-hmm.
Chloe: Should be just past the creepy flasher.
Lucifer: That's nice.
Chloe: Lucifer, I know you're not listening to me. Creepy flasher? Stage 69?
Lucifer: [Looks up] 69? What-- where?
- But are you sure that's the kind you're looking for?
- Or was it this?
- One... tell your mother no one is hurting Chloe on my watch.
- And, two...
- Don't ever lie to me like that again.
Chloe: Okay, last night was a fluke. For both of us. Never happened, leave it at that.
Lucifer: Right. You snore, by the way. Like an Albanian field wench!
- you're killing my buzz.
- Ladies.
Linda: Well, if you change your mind, my door is always open.
- Well, feel free to shut it.
- J'j'
Chloe: You know everybody here. I mean, who would have a dark secret that they would want erased?
Steve: Uh, everyone.
Chloe: What? It's a charity event.
Lucifer: Ah, charity is the perfect way for criminals to launder their images. Donate a thousand dollars to distract from the million you just filched.
- Allow me to introduce myself.
- Lucifer morningstar.
- Oh! [Giggles]
- Oh, that's absurd.
- And his chin definitely looks like a butt.
- You know what?
- Screw Jimmy Barnes.
- I'm out.
Ned: Ms. Lopez! I've heard so much about you. Only been here a couple weeks, and everyone says you're just an absolute ray of sunshine.
Mazikeen: [Flatly] Yeah, that's me. Rainbows, science, God.
Ella: You need a favor?
Lucifer: Yes, your scientific expertise on a discreet matter.
Ella: Mm. Paternity test?
Lucifer: What? Do I look like someone who'd be so irresponsible?
- You can't understand, detective.
- And you never will.
- Well, if you won't talk to me, then...
- Please, talk to someone else.
- You have a therapist.
- Talk to her, before it eats you alive.
- J'j'
- I don't understand.
- I feel like I'm being a bad friend to maze.
- It doesn't matter how much I like you.
- I can't date my friend's ex anymore.
- But I do... really like you.
- And I really like you.
Judge: Who the hell do you think you are?
Lucifer: Lucifer Morningstar, Your Honor. My apologies. I had no idea I was dealing with a man of such stature. In my defense, when we came in last night, I was blindfolded by your wife's underwear.
Trixie: Do you like little kids?
Mazikeen: I've dealt with filthy, screaming humans before. At least these are smaller.
Lucifer: The way to hell really is paved with bad acne-prone intentions.
Chloe: Do I have any powers, or... anything cool? I don't know, laser beam hands, something?
[Silence from Amenadiel and Lucifer]
Chloe: No.
[Continues coldly]
Chloe: No. Of course not. They were just concerned with creating the perfect Mrs. Morningstar.
- Where?
- Inside.
- You didn't take a sneaky peek before telling me?
- You'd never lie to me, right?
- You're gonna watch me open it.
- You're damn right.
- Drop it.
- Really?
- The radio.
- I said drop it.
- Never bring a knife to a devil fight.
Lucifer: Sooner or later, you are going to disappoint them all over again! And so you'd rather stay away for all eternity.
Lee: You're right. It's true, all of it.
Lucifer: [to himself] It is...
- After we find Linda,
- I'm gonna need your help with something.
[first lines]
Jacob: Save your soul! It's up to you! I ask you to repent! Repent your sins before it is too late! It is the end of times! The Devil walks among us!
Lucifer: Padre, you have no idea how right you are.
[chuckles]
Lucifer: But there's no need to be angry about it. Enjoy the ride.
Jacob: Bless you. Have you seen the face of the Devil?
Lucifer: Oh, every morning in the mirror, pal.
Jacob: Exactly! He's in all of us! In our every moment of weakness. Look at this world! The sin, the lust! It is the Devil's touch.
Lucifer: N-N-No, don't give me credit for all that. You humans do plenty all on your own.
Amenadiel: Listen, Father, He... Works in mysterious ways. I was tested once and I failed. I'm not gonna fail again. Because this time, I have faith.
Amenadiel: [talking about his son] So he'll get sick, grow old, die.
God: That would follow from the fact he's mortal.
- Well, isn't it a sin for an angel to break a vow?
[Sighs]: Oh, luci.
- Father will be furious.
- And you will suffer his wrath.
- Well...
- Then he knows where to find me.
Chloe: I still don't understand why you're helping us. Bianca's your client.
Charlotte: I'm not the same woman I was when she hired me.
Chloe: Hmm. Did you have a change of heart?
Charlotte: No, the same heart. Completely different soul, though.
Frederick: I should've just shot the dog! But it's so hard to kill a creature with such intelligence in its eyes.
[Turns the gun on Dan]
- He thinks it's the family.
- I thought he was upset with me for rushing him, but he's not, he...
- He's mad at his own family.
- Of course.
- I should've stayed home.
Lucifer: Devil emoji? That's it. I'm talking to a copyright lawyer today.
- Come on.
- Just let it all out.
- Oh!
- Okay.
- Someone call an ambulance!
- Well, I've never had that effect.
Lucifer: Detective, you're the only reason I'm here.
Chloe: Apparently you're the only reason *I'm* here.
- I shall no longer be affected by my father's shenanigans.
- Really? Why do I doubt that?
- But...
- Trixie, money in the jar, then off to school.
- Uh, child, before you do that...
- You screwed up, but you know what? It's okay.
- You tried to change.
- That's what's important.
- Humans.
- Fascinating, aren't they?
- Do you know, perhaps they're onto something.
- Nick... don't.
Linda: [On the phone] What you doing in Vegas?
Lucifer: Well...
[Sees Ella all dolled up]
Lucifer: Don't you look ravishing.
Linda: Lucifer?
Lucifer: Uh, sorry, I've got to go, Doctor. Speak soon.
[Hangs up]
Chloe: ...What did he say at the end there?
Linda: Um, something about...
[Tries to cover]
Linda: ... Radishes.
Dan: I even skipped out on some of our wedding planning to see Body Bags 6. Remember?
Chloe: *That* was the big emergency?
Dan: It was totally worth it. It was a great movie.
Lucifer: Yes, it was. Better catch phrase, wasn't it?
Lucifer: "Not on my watch."
[They laugh]
Lucifer: Maybe I should get a catch phrase.
Delivery: You Dan Espinoza?
Lucifer: How dare you.
Mazikeen: Well, if you go by someone else's pace, it shows how much you really care.
Chloe: That's... incredibly insightful.
Mazikeen: I learned it from sex.
Chloe: That's more you.
Lucifer: So, Detective, looks like you've solved another case because of me.
Chloe: I solved this case despite you.
- paolucci couldn't take the guilt anymore.
- You okay?
- Paolucci was an ass, but this... I can't imagine this.
- I know.
- I know.
- See?
- You're just as bad as me, brother.
- Pride is your sin, too.
- J'j'
Dan: [to Charlotte] Maybe we can go grab that coffee sometime?
Trixie: Dinner would be more romantic.
Dan: It's okay by me.
[They smile at each other]
Charlotte: Dinner it is.
Dan: [Trixie leaves with Dan] You are the best wingman ever.
Chloe: Ladies, let me remind you that there is a killer here.
Linda: As long as that killer doesn't cry, spit up, or wet themselves, I am in.
- J” whoa, oh, whoa, oh... j” boy [muffled]: Help!
- Hey, give me my coat!
- Hey! Come back here! Help!
- J” can't stop me now. J” j'j'
- I will miss the buzz.
- You're all-powerful again, dad.
- Can't you just buzz yourself?
- We need to talk.
- and voila.
Lucifer: Why would he have any desire to blackmail his own star client, a client he's all about protecting?
- Ty's agent told you that Debra killed Ali.
- He did, yeah.
- cold-weather clothing.
- Yeah.
- You know it's winter there, right?
- What's this? Is this your cold-weather gear?
- No, that's my whips and knives.
- Uh...
- Well, your whips and knives are moving.
- I had to kill you before, but now I just want to.
- Okay, you could kill me, sure, but Linda would die, too.
- You're full of it.
- Maybe I knew you weren't gonna follow through, so I needed a fail-safe.
- Liar!
- Call her. Tell her to look out her window.
Chloe: I know how fans can get obsessed with their idols.
Lucifer: Yes, and... with their boobs. Like after you did Hot Tub High School, Detective.
Ella: Open that door now! Hurry!
- Chloe?
- Chloe!
- Chloe!
- If you harm one hair on her head,
- I swear I will break every...
- What?
- And then you kept him distracted by hiring someone to keep the party going.
- Driving him to self-destruction, stoking the very fires of his own weakness...
- To keep him out of the way.
- How could I be so blind?
- I'm sorry. Okay, I can't deal with human emotions on an empty stomach.
- Makes me...
- Nauseous.
- Of course. What did I expect?
- Oh, come on.
Benji: You're not paparazzi? Oh, thank God.
Lucifer: Ugh. Man, the things Dad gets credit for.
Ella: Dark days to come 'cause, I mean, sleeping with the same dude for the rest of your life? Even hot gets boring, Chloe. Dark days ahead, indeed.
God: Hey, does this mean you're not angry at your dad anymore?
Lucifer: No, I'm not angry. I'm bloody furious.
- Doctor?
- Sorry. Oh, so...
- It's just been the longest day ever.
- Hasn't it?
- So, if you'll excuse me,
- I have a very important appointment with a warm soft bed.
- A well-earned rest.
Chloe: Lucifer, you could go as Todd.
Dan: [Chuckles] Yeah, no, no, seriously. Look, he looks just like you.
[Todd is a balding, schlubby guy with glasses]
Lucifer: Has all that masturbation finally caught up with your eyesight, Daniel? No one'll believe that even if I tell them I've had a face *and* body transplant.
[Demonic voice] Now bow down...
- To your king.
- You do not belong here.
- Go home.
Ella: Necklace woman is a con artist. Usually goes by Odessa something or other.
Dan: [Looks at file] Her real name is 'Sandy Bumford'. No wonder she changes it.
Ella: How far do you think a frog could fall and live?
Lucifer: Sounds like a fun experiment. For us, not the frog. You're welcome to use my penthouse if you wish.
Ella: I'm not going to do that, Lucifer.
Lucifer: If your prints are on that can, that means someone must've broke into your house and stolen it from your wheelie bins.
Chloe: What?
Lucifer: Your trash.
- No, I'm not going to do that because she's innocent.
- It's our killer.
- No. No, no, no.
- I'm not going to do that!
[Caleb] Amenadiel, please, just do what they say.
- Put your hands on your head.
- Get off of him!
Lucifer: All work and no play makes the detective... a shoe.
[Holds up monopoly piece]
- He entrusted it to you.
- Congrats on nabbing queen Tequila.
- Well, Chet's still out there, so this isn't over.
- I need what
- Zeke really smuggled.
- My life is ruined!
Dan/Vincent: I'm a good guy, in a bad guy's body.
- Is there anything of value that you can tell me or are you just completely useless?
[Sighs] Look, the cave, it was strange, all right?
- It was... it was...
- Parts of it looked fake.
- There were... there were bars on it.
- And it seemed like nobody had been there in a really, really long time.
[Softly] Lucifer. Lucifer!
- Where are you?
Lucifer: Do you know, I never thought I'd say this, Detective, but we need to go to Canada.
- Humiliating tasks, the tedium, the stink.
- I shouldn't have tried to rush the detective.
- But you, on the other hand, could move faster, Daniel.
- You know, Lucifer, if you really want this thing to go faster, you could actually help for a change.
- Very well.
Lucifer: [as Trixie hands a lollipop to Maze] Oh, love me a lolli!
Trixie: Sorry, wussies don't get any.
[She gives a fist bump to Maze]
Lucifer: What is that sound?
Linda: Oh. My boobs. I'm pumping. Wearable breast pumps. Best invention since the epidural.
- more than anyone, but I'm worried that this is gonna set you back.
- I know.
- I know you are.
- But sometimes this job is about taking risks, right?
- Besides, you know, my gut tells me I'm right.
Dan: Why leave the murder weapon behind?
Chloe: Maybe whoever did this freaked out and ran? We've seen it before.
Lucifer: Yes, we have, from the lowest form of scum on earth... like Pierce.
Sexy: You here for business or pleasure?
Lucifer: Oh, pleasure. Always pleasure.
Chloe: This an extremely high profile case. We are doing this by the book. I cannot have you terrorizing him.
Lucifer: I would never.
Chloe: Or threatening to tear his arms off.
Lucifer: That happened one time.
Chloe: Or hanging him from a window.
Lucifer: I solemnly promise that the man's feet will remain firmly on the ground.
[Body falls from the sky]
Linda: God and His ex having a fight to the death? Sounds kind of bad for, you know, humanity.
Lucifer: [Waves hand] Oh, you'll probably be fine.
Linda: *Probably*?
Ella: Man, I miss Lucifer. He was the best hugger.
- What? What?
[Exhales] Cutting it a little close there, don't you think?
- My timing is perfect.
Charlotte: You need to see that this Chloe you so adore isn't worthy of you.
Lucifer: I admit I enjoy working with her, but adore, that's a bit much.
Charlotte: Oh, please. You've sacrificed more for her than you ever have for anyone else. Have you forgotten? You killed your brother, my son, to protect her. Do you think there's anything even remotely similar that she would do for you?
Ella: Oh, you're nervous that you won't measure up in bed. I mean, he is pretty experienced. I mean, I'd put it, like, in the thousands, probably.
[Chloe makes a face]
Ella: But you know what, you got this. You totally got this. You're sexy.
Chloe: That actually hadn't crossed my mind.
Ella: Oh, you're waiting on an STD check! Super smart.
Chloe: Drop the knife. This isn't you.
Mazikeen: Isn't it, though? I destroy things, Chloe. It's what I do. Friendships, relationships, apartment walls. And, apparently, I killed this lady's son.
Chloe: Maze, I know you didn't kill Mike Biltz, and you didn't kill Barry. And her son isn't your fault, either. We're all responsible for our own choices. And right now, you have to make one.
- Right.
- See, Pierce had noticed how I liked my coffee.
- Just pay attention to his actions, not his words.
- And regardless, Decker, you are a total badass.
- Thank you, Ella.
- You got something?
- Pch is closed.
- Say you helicoptered...
- Shush.
- Uh, excuse me?
- Sploosh. I said "sploosh."
- Are you into splooshing?
- let's take it outside you oughta toughen up
- I'm here to throw it down you know I'm gonna win let's take it outside all right. Let's see what you've got, clive.
- You know, it's nice to be part of a family business.
- Are they gonna come by or...?
- No, they can get pretty busy.
- But sometimes they like to pop in and surprise people.
- And there's really nice neighbors all around.
- These neighbors are...
Chloe: You're really tan. Are you, uh, are you a surfer?
Blue: Well, I'd sure like to surf... in your eyes.
Lucifer: [Listening in van] Ugh, dearie me. He's lucky it's not a crime to be a cheeseball.
- Hmm. You here for business or pleasure?
- Oh, pleasure.
- Always pleasure.
- 0h, then you came to the right place.
- J” white brother... j” j'j'
Ella: You can't touch this!
Lucifer: Yes, I get it. It's the lyrics to the song.
Ella: No, it's because I haven't bagged it yet
- How is it that sometimes you don't get hurt, and then other times you do?
- What is the difference?
- You are, detective.
- I don't fully understand why, but...
- I'm only vulnerable when I'm close to you.
Chloe: Dan slept with Charlotte?
Lucifer: Trust me, you're not half as disgusted by that as I am.
Chloe: Is there anyone who hasn't slept with that woman?
Lucifer: Uh...
[Raises a hand]
Amanda: What's going on?
Grey: These people are detectives.
Amanda: Real ones?
Lucifer: Well, this case seems to be in very capable hands. So off I go.
Chloe: All right.
Lucifer: I mean, after all, you did take down the head of the Yakuza in single-hand combat. And defeat the Armenian mob in a rather spectacular car chase through Rome... although, strangely, it looked a lot more like Vancouver to me.
Lucifer: "Hello Malkie"
- I don't know!
- She said inspiration came when she realized she couldn't go back and change what she'd done.
- Well, that doesn't help me at all!
- Lucifer, stop!
- Now I'm never gonna figure out how to...
Lucifer: Since you're here, you can help me decide. Moscow Midnight or Blue Lagoon?
Amenadiel: That's the same shirt.
[Lucifer gives him a look]
- Why go to all this trouble for dolls?
- Oh, come now, detective.
- I have to keep some mysteries for myself.
- Enjoy your dolls.
- J'j'
- At least, not then.
- Uh, mum?
- Hmm?
- I think you left out a minor detail.
- Oh, dear.
- J'j'
- So what?
- Once evil, always evil, right?!
- No, luci. You're not evil.
- You're the devil.
- You punish evil.
- Your words.
- But you would need to move it outdoors, which means wrapping up your footwear in a specific kind of slipper...
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, [stutters] Hold on.
- I'm just trying to...
- Just one second, you're going really fast.
- I'm just gonna write this down. Go.
- Yeah.
- Is there a reason why you're in such a rush lately?
- I-I'm just anxious to see the rest of the family.
- Please start translating.
- There's something going on with her.
- Yeah. Or it's just that time of the millennium.
- What?
[Whispering] You can't see me.
- But I'm right here.
- And it will be the same down there.
- No matter where you go, no matter where you are.
- I'll be with you.
- I'll be with you always.
- Michael, you're no longer welcome on earth.
- You're banishing him?
- If you insist on putting it that way.
[Sputters] I don't understand.
- Why am I the one being punished?
- You're not.
- Yay.
- Okay, wait.
- You're disappointed because you think angels are better than humans, don't you?
- Well, yes, Linda, we are better.
- We can fly, we live forever, there's our superhuman strength...
- you should know: When I'm on the job, the job has my complete devotion.
- Thank you, Lucifer.
- That means a lot.
- So, I'll... see you tomorrow.
- Bright and early.
- No, it's because
- I haven't bagged it yet and you never wear gloves.
- Wait, you're wearing gloves.
- Did the cream I gave you not work?
- Cream?
- You know what this is?
- Haven't a clue.
Lucifer: [about Amenadiel] Ever since he found out he's Dad's favorite, he's been a bit of a dick.
Marcus: What do you mean?
Lucifer: Well, lots of chest puffing and peacocking. I mean, even more than usual.
- Whew!
- No way. He did it?
- He actually brought you back...
- Just so I could kill you again.
- Goodbye, detective.
Lilith: All this time you've spent on Earth... have you ever connected with a human?
Lucifer: I've connected with thousands of humans. Once, Caligula and I made a human train of 37...
- I... want this to stop... I...
- I can't bloody believe this!
- I've never been more upset to be right.
- Listen, Lucifer, I...
- I'm sorry you're going through this, but we are gonna figure this out...
- Together... as a team.
- Everything's gonna be okay, all right?
- I promise.
Lucifer: Consider the suspect well and truly pumped.
Chloe: [Looks at her dad] F-F-For information. Uh-huh. He means pumped for information.
[Turns to Lucifer]
Chloe: What happened to doing your hypno-eye thing? With the eyes.
Lucifer: Oh. That's what you meant.
Chloe: Yes.
Lucifer: Oh, no, we went at it like little bunnies. Next time you should be more specific.
Lucifer: It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Sinnerman: Likewise.
Lucifer: Always gratifying to find out that one's nemesis is altogether lacking in style.
- J" been traveling these wide roads for so long ♪ j " my heart's been far from you ♪ j " 10,000 miles gone ♪ j " in my darkness I remember ♪ j " momma's words reoccur to me ♪
- Well...
- Fine. Let's speak to the security guard, if only to prove that this rivers is indeed a con man so I can freely punch him in his smug, mildly handsome face.
- J'j'
- ♪ have fun breaking my will I
- ♪ reach the city steps tonight I
- ♪ following the power lines I
Linda: [Charlie is crying] You're welcome to stay, but it's kind of loud.
Mazikeen: Pain and suffering. Music to my ears.
Amenadiel: Maybe celestial beings and humans... Luci, maybe they aren't that different.
Lucifer: What, are we talking in bed? 'Cause we all know my skills are preternatural.
Linda: Thank you for coming back.
- For being willing to listen.
- I'm sorry, father.
- But we shouldn't be surprised.
- I mean, Lucifer isn't mature enough to...
Lucifer: Sorry, I'm late.
- I brought souffle.
- Risen perfectly, just as you like them.
Mazikeen: You know, despite all the books you've read, all the degrees on your wall, you forgot the one rule that matters. Hos before bros!
God: I giveth, and I'm not afraid to taketh away.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
Lucifer: Why are there holes in your dress?
Amenadiel: It's a robe.
Lucifer: Oh, I apologize. Why are there holes in your dress?
- You call it biology, call it god, but choice is an illusion.
- I didn't have one when I pulled myself out of that burning car.
- And I certainly don't have one now.
- You'll understand soon enough.
- Nice dress.
- It's a robe.
- You wear it well.
- Humans.
- What are you looking at?
- Nothing.
- I'm just...
Marcus: Well done, Lucifer. Way to be a good influence.
Lucifer: How dare you say that!
Ella: I just love watching Pierce work. It's like a master class in ass whoop with a minor in whatevs.
Mazikeen: You opened your stitch, didn't you?
Ben: I hope I didn't lose the button.
Charlotte: [as Chloe is searching for something on Charlotte] Oh, you're being incredibly thorough. I like it.
Mazikeen: I can't deal with human emotions on an empty stomach. It makes me nauseous.
- Roller coasters.
- Triple creme brie.
- You hear about dancing?
- Yes, I actually did some of that on a table, once.
- Would you do me this honor?
- ♪ you're just too good to be true j'
Shay: And that is what the birth process looks like up close. Any questions?
Mazikeen: Yeah. Can we see the part about the torn perineum again, please?
Lucifer: Let me get this straight. I just spent millennia down there diligently doing everything He asked without complaint, and you have one sleepover in Hell and Dad tells you your watch is over?
- Still have it on.
- I can see that.
- You know...
- Hmm...
- Once we do this...
- Things are never gonna be the same.
- I believe you're right.
- She's safe. She's through there.
- Mommy! Daddy!
- Oh...
- Hey. Sorry.
- Monkey, you're okay.
- You're okay.
Chloe: I love you, honey.
- Yes, we'll put Abel in this old coot. [Giggles]
- He gets a second chance at life and you get your chance at death.
- Let's do this.
- Right.
- Enjoy the show, dad.
Lucifer: So Jana's killer had it in for this poor chap as well, did they?
Chloe: On the upside, looks like he didn't have anything to do with this case after all. Pretty sure you didn't sleep with this guy.
Lucifer: Uh, actually, you're wrong about that, Detective.
[Sadly]
Lucifer: Raj. So fit.
Malcolm: Another man spends so much time with my wife, I sure wouldn't like it. Especially knowing this guy's so dangerous.
Dan: You want to kill Lucifer? Why?
Malcolm: If I told you, I promise, you wouldn't believe me.
Trixie: Did you know if you're ever mean to me, I can just go on this site and order a new mommy?
Chloe: Oh, yeah? How you gonna pay for that?
Trixie: Your credit card. I've gotten pretty good at your signature, you know.
- For Trixie.
- I need help. [Continues sobbing]
- I need guidance.
- I need... [stammering] I need a sign.
- I need... I need something.
- Please help me!
Trixie: I can't let Maze go alone. Someone needs to cover her back.
Mazikeen: Thanks, little human.
Marco: Who the hell puts green onions and ranch dressing on a sandwich? You better hope that your friends are better at finding people than they are at taking food orders. 'Cause I'm beginning to lose my patience!
Chloe: [Whispering] Dan wouldn't make a mistake like that.
Lucifer: Are you sure? I once saw him eat a marble 'cause it was in a candy dish.
Lucifer: [On the Phone] Candy, darling, I can't talk now. About to catch a killer.
[Killer garottes him from behind]
Lucifer: Gonna have to call you back!
Lucifer: You don't seem too bothered by my being the Prince of Darkness.
Linda: I'm willing to work within your metaphor.
Lucifer: Right.
Linda: Sometimes it's easier to make intimate issues about something bigger than yourself.
Lucifer: Well, there are few things bigger than myself.
Linda: I'm well aware.
[giggles]
Charlotte: [talking to herself] You are not crazy. No one knows you can't remember the last few months. You will pretend that you do. Own it. You will not give them a reason to put you in a padded cell.
Chloe: [Looking at victim's notebook] So what are these, jokes?
Lucifer: A charitable description, Detective.
[Reads]
Lucifer: "Avocado, how about avoca-don't?" Would it be rude to throw tomatoes at a corpse?
- You won't.
- We weren't even sure if I should come.
- Wouldn't want to make this any harder for you.
- But then we thought it wouldn't be fair to make that decision for you.
- Can you give us a few hours?
- Of course.
Lucifer: I get it now. So your boring attire is like camo for the average Joe. Blend in, catch the baddie off guard. Afterwards they'll forget you're even there. That is very clever, Daniel.
Dan: [Goes to approach suspect] Rodney Lam. LAPD. No sudden moves. You're under arrest.
[No response]
Dan: Rodney?
Lucifer: ...Maybe we blend in so well he doesn't even see us.
- I need to accept that, um,
- Lucifer doesn't have any feelings for me.
- Well, good for you.
- Wait. Are you okay?
- I-I thought you were on my side.
- I was.
Rory: Maze and Linda gave you the same advice? That's odd.
Lucifer: Could tie Tiernan to the anchor of one of his ships.
Eve: Mm-hmm.
Lucifer: Or a million paper cuts from his own hundred-dollar bills.
Eve: Great.
Lucifer: Oh, no, actually... I know a man who owns an emu farm. They're surprisingly bloodthirsty animals.
Kevin: I never saw him myself. Uh, but I saw his car. He has a-an awful '92 Geo Metro in-in Polynesian green.
Lucifer: Ugh.
Kevin: Right?
Marcus: I have a new plan. Well, same plan, new victim.
Mazikeen: Who's the sacrificial lamb?
Marcus: God's favorite son.
Ella: You got any siblings?
Mazikeen: Thousands and thousands.
Ella: Yeah. It could feel like that sometimes. You close to any of them?
Mazikeen: My family doesn't do "close." We mostly tortured each other.
Ella: My brothers used to put their knees on my arms and dangle a loogie right over my face.
Lucifer: Isn't that a coincidence? Boy returns home, and, conveniently, his pops drops the next day? Lucky bastard.
Chloe: Maybe.
Lucifer: I knew TV writing isn't all hookers and blow like the 80' s, but I had no idea how sad it had got.
Chloe: Reese?
- It's detective Decker.
- We could really use your help.
- I just wish you'd loosen up, decken you know, throw caution to the wind, be impulsive, just once.
- Instead of, you know, being you.
Assistant: Debbie did get into a rather ugly fight with the parents of a child who'd been denied admission. It got vicious.
Lucifer: Ooh. Fisticuffs? Beat-down at the bike sheds after the final bell?
Assistant: No, verbally vicious.
Lucifer: Ah, terrible grammar.
Father: Whenever he visits, death and destruction follow.
Mazikeen: I'm always going to be the consolation prize for you. You only care about me when you don't have Chloe.
Lucifer: Maze, now hold on, that's...
Mazikeen: [Crying] NO! No one puts me first, least of all you! None of you deserve me.
- You said you wanted danger.
- What...?
- Detective! Detective!
- I don't even have a phone!
- Ah, well.
- That's just marvelous, isn't it?
Ella: The home screen is... two eyes?
Charlotte: Human female breasts.
Lucifer: No. That is a woman's perfectly freckled rump.
Chloe: So our lead on the killer is a pair of butt-boob-eyes.
- Wait. One more thing.
- Yeah.
- If you married her, you'd kind of be like Lucifer's dad.
- Oh, my god.
- Right?
- It's so, so messed up.
- N" n“
- hilarious.
- Your own personal Jesus
- Someone to hear your prayers someone who cares
- Reach out and touch faith she looks like an angel.
- No, can you take your shirt off, please?
- What?
- Are you serious?
- I need to see your back.
- Why?
- Because I want to know if you're an angel sent to destroy me.
- You're right, mom, where is he?
- If he wanted to, he could've prevented all of this from happening.
- All the misunderstandings, all the pain.
- Well, I'm done.
- I'm done trying to please someone who isn't ever here.
Mazikeen: I am not an expert on the human body... unless you count sex organs
- Father, I'm gonna need you to come into the station for a statement.
- Well, maybe the padre has a twin brother who also takes confession; That way he could still be guilty.
- Lucifer, seriously, will you just... [Tires screeching]
- Get down!
Chloe: This is a serial killer.
Lucifer: Yes. The Completely Justified Killer of Phonies.
[to Reese]
Lucifer: If that's what you name him, I want credit.
- Jimmy Barnes.
- Last I heard, he's in some sort of insane asylum.
- Kind of my bad.
- But trust me, he had it coming.
- Oh, well I found him.
- But...
- Well, see for yourself.
Remiel: There was bound to be a child eventually because of all the meaningless sexual encounters.
Amenadiel: [Thinks she's talking about him] I wouldn't say they were meaningless.
Remiel: Please, our brother Lucifer is a... what do they call it here? A slut.
- Don't feel bad.
- Most would've dropped already.
- You're clearly very strong.
- I never was.
- That's why they never listen.
- They have to listen now.
Lucifer: As you can see, the Devil does indeed wear Prada.
Devin: [Outside a gated nudist community] Sorry, but rules are rules. You want to go inside, you got to get naked. Either that or get a warrant.
Chloe: Fine. I'll get a warrant.
[Turns around, sees Lucifer has stripped]
Chloe: Lucifer!
Lucifer: Oh, when in Rome, detective.
Chloe: Please put some clothes on. We are professionals. Ella, see if you can get a warrant from Judge...
[Sees Ella is also naked]
Chloe: Vickers.
Ella: Bucket list?
Amenadiel: Everything is so much better when you know that you can die at any moment. How much time do we have left? 30-odd years? 40, if we lay off the sauce?
Sam: I don't know your dad. Unless, is your, is your dad the Sinnerman?
Lucifer: Quite the opposite.
- Hello.
- Police?
- Okay. [Speaking French]
Lucifer: It turns out you were right, Doctor. It's impossible to control your feelings. And anyone who does risks turning into a murderous lunatic with a child of below-average intelligence,
Sinnerman: The only way she'll survive is if I take you to her.
Lucifer: Right. Who's up for a field trip?
- Really?
- Really.
- Well, then, um...
- Problem solved, detective.
- Because if you can accept me, then...
- That really is all that matters.
Dan: Are you going through something lately?
Mazikeen: Other than the band, no.
- you need to be careful.
- Well, consider me warned.
- You may absolve yourself of any further responsibility in this matter.
- Now, if you'll excuse me,
- I have plans.
- You opened your stitch, didn't you?
- I hope I didn't lose the button.
- I had a baby.
- A girl.
- And...
- And you abandoned her.
- Maze...
- You have to...
Lucifer: [after Charlotte attacks him] What did you expect me to do? Stab you with the blade and have it be ignited by my joy?
Amenadiel: You know that Father...
Lucifer: If you finish that sentence, I will punch you in your... mysterious ways.
[Distorted, echoing]: Help...!
[Gasps] Man: Stop! Stop!
- Man 2: Leave her alone!
- Man 3: Hey, man, stop!
- Wait. It's you?
- You're kidding me, right?
- We can totally work this out.
Ella: Cause of death, pretty obvi. Manual strangulation. Not a fun way to go. Unless it's your thing.
Jerry: Taking care of your gear is the sixth stepping stone on the Firehawk Path to healing.
Lucifer: Ah, is stepping stone seven, "Use said gear to kill someone you hate"?
Chloe: I know how this goes. Ali's a young actress looking for a break, an agent promises to help her out, and in exchange she's treated like a party favor to your star clients.
- Detective...
- Will you go to the prom with me?
- I am so sorry.
- All I want now is forgiveness.
- I just want to take it all back.
- Please.
- No! Just let me take it back!
- No, no, no, no! No...!
Reese: I'm gonna expose you for the fraud you are. And save this woman. Don't you try and stop me.
Lucifer: I won't. She might, though.
Veronica: Who is this guy, Lucifer? He doesn't seem very fun.
Reese: You're not tied up against your will?
Veronica: Um, no. I'm pretty into this. At least I was until you got here.
Linda: It's easy to let external factors... define us. Especially the traumatic ones. But only if we let them.
Lucifer: [Sudden epiphany] We all have itchy butts.
Penelope: I used to believe everything happens for a reason. But now, I'm not so sure.
Amenadiel: Me neither. But I do know that no matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain we suffer. Or inflict.
[In deep voice]: Hello, detective.
- Uaughsfi sorry.
- Well, don't worry. At least
- I don't have a gun up my bum.
- If you're not gonna take this seriously, then you wait here for me.
- Okay.
Lucifer: To truly go full Detective, I require a partner who's clever and unpredictable, handsome, sexual.
[Looks at Dan]
Lucifer: Suppose one out of four will suffice. Well done, Daniel.
Dan: Wow. Which one of the four am I?
- But still.
- Pretty awesome that someone took him out, right?
- I bet it hurt.
- A lot.
- Whoever did this is no better than he was.
- ♪ save yourselfj'
- N you were my always... j'j'
[gasping]: Will you s-stay with me?
- Yes.
- Yes, I promise.
- J'j' ashes, ashes j'j' j'j' ooh j'j'
- Why?
- 'Cause you don't have any actual proof yet, Chloe.
- All right? If you're wrong, you get nothing and tio knows we're onto him.
- Dan, I'm right. I can feel it.
- Chloe, we'll look into tio.
- But right now, you got to be patient.
- Yeah. I think I'll give you two some time alone.
- No, Rory. We still have time.
- Truth is, if you leave,
- I don't want to see it.
- I want to remember you like this.
- This is perfect.
Dromos: What's so great about Earth anyway?
Lucifer: Well, no offense, but the company's far greater, the work more interesting, and the liquor far superior.
[Takes a drink]
Lucifer: Mm! And I've just become an uncle and someone needs to teach my nephew about sex, 'cause, well, my brother's certainly not capable.
Charlotte: Just making sure you're not getting into trouble.
Lucifer: Oh, that's no fun.
- How else am I supposed to protect our baby?
- Our?
- Maze, this isn't...
- I just need some space, okay?
- Yeah, sure.
- Since we're here, do you want to grab a coconut water?
Trixie: Is this a Shirley Temple?
Mazikeen: [adds a cherry to Trixie's bourbon] Sure.
Lucifer: [Looking at his shattered piano] Oh, Michael. Of all the things you've done to hurt me, this might cut the deepest.
- Yeah, Dan. This is all your fault.
- The murderer who killed Chloe's dad is walking around free.
- And it's all because of me.
- We have to do something.
- We can't kill him.
- You're right, maze.
- We can't.
Lucifer: Detective! Woohoo!
- Listen to me, Chloe.
- Every day he remains on earth, people are in danger.
- The devil must go back to hell.
- And the only person who can send him there is you.
Amenadiel: Your wings are missing?
Lucifer: [chuckles] Sorry, is there an echo? Isn't that what I just said?
Amenadiel: What exactly am I supposed to do with that news?
Lucifer: Use your angelic powers to soar around the city and find them. I mean, really, what good's an angel if he can't help a brother out? Am I right?
Linda: This loss brings up an issue that we've been skirting since we began our work together.
Lucifer: Right.
Linda: Your identity.
Lucifer: [wry laugh] It's still the Devil, darling.
Linda: Yes, but who are you trying so hard to become?
Lucifer: Nobody. I'm completely unbecoming.
[chuckles]
- They're hieroglyphics.
- I believe it's the eye of horus, a sacred symbol in ancient Egyptian culture.
- Sacred eye?
- I've heard that before.
- I think I know where to find our graffiti artist.
- Mm-hmm.
- Come on, you're coming with me.
- Mm, you smell good.
- Well so much for her being released into your custody.
- We can't let him spend too much time with Decker.
- She'll figure out something's going on.
[Sighs] Let me see what I can do.
Lucifer: This is your lucky day.
Lee: It doesn't really seem like it.
- Would you rather the bullet have killed me?
- No, of course not. I'm just trying to make sense of all this.
- The mojo swap and now this...
- But, no...
- You're right.
- Gift horse.
Lucifer: Sorry. Hate to interrupt the canoodling. Which I am so okay with. It doesn't fill me with mistrust at all. But duty calls, Detective.
- Hi, Lucifer.
- Detective.
- You mind if I sit?
- Please.
- Oh, my god. She's going.
- Ow! Maze, what the heck?
- I just wanted to take a selfie.
- Are you karnalgirl506?
[Weakly] Yeah.
- Ron? Ron, what are you doing?
Mazikeen: Copycat said, and I quote, "LilyMan looks for windbags".
Ella: So he targets women who talk a lot? Gulp.
- Sorry, pal.
- One use only.
- You were the one who taught me that celestials and humans need to be separate.
- Yes, remi, I did, and now,
- I am telling you that I was wrong.
- Let me show you.
Lucifer: Doesn't matter whether you're a sinner! Doesn't matter whether you're a saint! Nobody can win, so what's the point? What's the bloody point?
- No, mom.
- Not Lucifer, father.
- How did he let this happen?
- Son, it's okay.
- Just let it out.
- Let it all... out.
Dan: Where the hell did he come from?
- I did it.
- I-I killed Aiden Scott.
- I'm sorry, it's-it's all my fault.
- I... I killed him.
- Sounds like a confession to me.
- Looks like your gamble paid off.
- ♪ I don't believe that anybody I
- ♪ feels the way I do I
Lucifer: Well, I'll be damned.
- ♪ backbeat, the word was on the street I
- ♪ that the fire in your heart is out I
- ♪ and I'm sure you've heard it all before I
Ricardo: Ella? What are you doing here?
Dan: You know this guy?
Ella: Only since birth.
- Uh, well, camera equipment is worth a ton, uh, wardrobe has a huge resale value.
- What about a six-million-dollar car?
- What? That's specific.
- What makes you say that?
- Seeing it drive off.
Dan: What is that smell? And why is there... crime scene tape all around my desk?
Lucifer: Because trust me, Daniel, Cornelia committed a very serious infraction over there.
- Well, never too late to start.
- I know.
- I'm sorry, babe, I can't.
- Can we do a neon party rain check?
- Decker, one of these days, you're gonna realize what you've been missing.
[Quietly]: It looked so cute on you.
- Halitosis... first sign of evil.
- He had all the access he needed to find his targets and frame Leila.
- What are you waiting for?
- Shoot him.
- If he drops that lighter, he'll kill her.
- I don't have a shot.
Michael: I guess you need a strong stomach if you're going to be God.
Penelope: Your wife died?
God: No, she's just in her own universe.
Penelope: [unaware who she's really talking to] Isn't that just how relationships fall apart?
Eve: This world is full of dumbass rules. You know, "No drugs for breakfast!" or 'Put on some clothes!
Azrael: I mean, you know Ella, there's just something about her. She's so positive, she makes you feel like...
Lucifer: Good about yourself.
Azrael: Yeah, exactly.
- I don't believe this.
- That geek was right about the car.
- It's the most hideous thing I've ever seen.
- Still, at least we know our killer's here.
Chloe: Or not.
- Hold on.
Lucifer: Oh, have a drink. Two, if you like. Who says the Devil can't be charitable?
Les: For the numerous reasons above, I demand your publication use my preferred serial killer name. Sincerely... the Voice Box Killer"
- Oh. Uh...
- Maybe I overreacted.
- Get out!
- Okay, fine.
- Come on, cuspid.
- -Fiapsl -let's go.
- Cuspid?
- Right. Right.
- No, de... Chloe...
[Breathes heavily] I...
- Ilo...
- Detective?
- What the...
Jenson: Carbs are the Devil's spawn, man.
Lucifer: Don't blame your weaknesses on me.
Rory: Fate's a bitch.
- but the ones from the red 2 Mars project, look, nada.
- Those must be built into the suit.
- You think change would be considered an improvement?
- Definitely. Yeah.
- Okay. I might have an idea of where the old suit came from.
- Lucifer, let's go. Yeah.
- Right, right.
Lucifer: I've come back to help. Any leads yet?
Chloe: I need your help like I need a third boob.
- And I finished the background check on everyone at the wedding.
- All clean.
- But the ex-boyfriend,
- Jason Myers, he's not.
- He's got one aggravated assault, two weapons violations.
- I have him waiting in interrogation for you.
- J'j' Lucifer... j'j'
- J'j' Lucifer... j'j'
- N more than a feeling j'j'
- J'j' more than a feel... j'j'
Lucifer: I am the devil, and Le Mec is just a man. A bloody Frenchman, to add insult to injury!
Chloe: Finally, some rain. Maybe someone up there is looking out for us.
Lucifer: I can assure you, he's in no way meteorologically inclined. Apart from the whole Noah thing, and that was a one-off.
- We both know today isn't the day I die.
- I'm fine.
- You go!
- The fire...
- Lucifer! We came here, to save her.
- Please go.
- Please.
- I'm going to bring her back for you.
- Well done, miss Lopez.
- And...
- Come on. Rise and shine, crantini.
- Time to go.
- Yeah. Let's do this.
- Gosh, I wish I got that on video.
- Oh, I can get that on video!
- Hold on. Douche-cam.
- we won't be the same if you leave.
- I mean, I know I won't be.
- Thanks.
- Uh, so, what's up?
- Okay, so I just got off the phone with Dan and I think I know who our next suspect is.
- Temptation's in my nature.
- Hmm.
- And how's that working out for you?
Lucifer: Padre, does this not bother you?
- What can I say?
- I love this song.
- So, ifwe're gonna get to her before he does, we have to figure out where she lives.
- So, just scour this place for any clues you can find, okay?
- Let's go.
Ella: Okay. Here.
Pete: Thanks.
Ella: Sure.
- Okay.
Lucifer: How is the Silver City?
Amenadiel: Still Silver. Still a City.
Charlotte: [to Pierce] Cream? Sugar? Or do you take it dark and bitter like your soul?
Greyson the Lawyer: I'm a lawyer, so I admit, I'm used to doing whatever it takes to win. But I'm not gonna kill anybody.
Lucifer: And what about romantic liaisons?
[Looks at Chloe]
Lucifer: I mean, it's hard to stop an attraction, just because you're working together... I mean, playing a game.
Ilene the Ex: I would never fraternize with the enemy, sir. Eyes on the prize.
Amenadiel: I know who did this.
Lucifer: I'll drive.
Lucifer: Where would I and therefore Abel go next?
[Looks at attractive woman in a tight dress]
Lucifer: Wherever she's going.
Lucifer: Maybe I'll tag along.
Chloe: It's never gonna happen.
Lucifer: Care to wager?
- Ella, listen, hey, I get it.
- If you're having second thoughts about even taking me to this wedding, that's fine.
- Carol corbett, I am one hundred percent not having second thoughts about you being my wedding date, okay?
- Cool.
- I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth.
- Even if it meant my own sister going to jail.
- Maybe moira was right about me.
- Maybe I do ruin everything I touch.
Lucifer: She was right.
- You should've stayed away from everyone you cared about.
- Yeah.
- An hour ago?
- Yeah, thanks.
- Guess who checked out against orders.
- Well, I wonder where our lovely sous-chef's headed in such a hurry.
Lucifer: So if I give people the opportunity, they'll tell me what to do?
Linda: Exactly, like...
[Serious]
Linda: Bring back my baby's daddy from Hell.
Lucifer: [Not listening] Yes, yes. Thank you. I've got to go.
Linda: [Hopeful] To Hell?
Chloe: Was I snoring like a truck driver?
Dan: Diamonds are pretty easy to track. Each one of them has a serial number laser-etched into it.
Lucifer: I usually get them to add crude drawings to the back of mine.
Lucifer: Daniel, there you are. I need some advice in an area I assume you have extensive expertise. What does it mean when a woman recoils at your touch?
- Where?!
- It was a crowded sex club, and there was so many hot girls...
- A sex club?
- Yeah, just...
- Don't tell my girlfriend. Just"
[scoffs] Girls' night out.
- And I won't allow that to happen.
- I'll get my act together, I promise.
- No need to promise, Jay Lopez.
- Because I'll be watching you, and if you ever disappoint her again...
- I'll come for you.
- Afraid that they're gone, for good reason.
[Whispering] Well, you know...
- I think you should look.
- Maybe you'll be surprised at what you find.
Eve: The police are done.
- No, Chloe, I can help. It's my brother.
- Hey, hey.
- Just trust me, okay?
- I promise you, we got this.
- J” I've got all the time j” j” in the world... j” j'j'
[Grunts] Ow. Where are we going?
- Oh, it hurts to talk with a busted lip, doesn't it?
- The good news is, you can poof the pain away yourself because we are getting your powers back right now.
- Where are they?
- I don't remember.
Ray: You've always looked out for everybody, but I think you deserve someone looking out for you for once.
Ella: Well, that is a very sweet thing to say. And I guess I'm 10% less irritated that you lied.
Amenadiel: Are you sure you don't want to chase after her?. Maybe I can ask Father for some rain to make it a moment.
Chloe: How about... filii hircus?
- Yes!
- All right. Okay... what...
- Yeah, I'll see you there!
- What...?
- J'j'
Marcus: Turns out Abel killing me didn't remove the mark.
Lucifer: Mm-hmm. Yes, I got that from the whole "you still being alive" of it all.
- I am done with the bad boys.
- Okay?
- Sure.
- Whatever you say.
[Woman] Lord morningstar.
- There's someone you should meet.
- Where am I?
Ella: You said come right away, so I came right away. You're lucky I remembered to put on pants... eventually.
- give up on you.
- You know why?
- Surprise me.
- Because I love you, too.
- Boop! [Giggles]
- Oh, shit.
Lucifer: Adam? Where's that barrel of laughs?
Eve: Still up there. Where everyone is always so... happy.
Lucifer: But not you?
Eve: Mm. I always felt like something was... missing.
Linda: Because trust me, never loving anyone is far worse than loss.
Chloe: He told me about a prophecy.
Lucifer: [Scoffs] Right. What is it this time? Frogs about to start falling from the sky, or... perhaps 'winter is coming'.
- I am doing this for the wrong reasons, again.
- But you know what? I don't care.
- All I care about is her.
- Which is why I have to make this happen. And I will.
- No matter what the costs.
- With or without your vote.
Lucifer: I can't go downstairs, Detective. Between my sunglasses, scarf and gloves, I'll look like Stevie Wonder on a snow day.
- you are just as much of a hero as you are fighting a war for the throne of heaven.
- Every act matters.
- That's very insightful.
- But I don't know if I'm there yet.
- Or if I ever will be.
- Now, there are good people out there who can find out the real truth.
- But they're gonna need your help and I'm not asking you to have faith in them.
- Have faith in me.
- Okay?
- Well, what did you do?
- I just said what you said.
- That it's okay that she gets it wrong all the time, and that it's perfectly natural that she's so clueless because no one ever...
- Oh! Oh, okay.
- Right. I see what happened there.
- Mm-hmm. Where did Linda go, again?
- You really think that they framed maze and killed those two people?
- Yes.
- And I bet maze knows why.
- Thank you.
- Right. Looks like we'll have to stop her from actually killing someone this time. Thank you.
- J'j'j'j'
Rory: Please, don't do your sex math in front of me.
Malcolm: I'm here to murder you.
Lucifer: Well... that is a buzzkill.
- Been a while since I had a good hunt.
Lucifer: That tingling sensation running up your spine...
- Inevitability.
- And the bit running down your leg?
- Fean j'j'
Amenadiel: You see, Father wants me to just... To just be there for you. To have your back. Now that you're evolving.
Lucifer: There was this, ah, soul that I used to torture back in Hell. And like a good masochist, he'd call the shots. "Burn me. Freeze me. Hurt me." So, I did. And this went on for centuries. Until, one day, for some reason, he missed his daily punishment. And when I returned, he was crying. "Please, my king," he said, "Don't ever forget me again. I promise I'll be good." It was then that I realized he was so full of self-loathing, void of any self-respect, that no matter the depth of my cruelty, whatever minuscule attention I paid, gave meaning to his... pointless existence.
Amenadiel: Why are you telling me this?
Lucifer: Because he reminds me of you. And you think I've changed? You, the former angel, powerless and pathetic, a disgraced failure with no better way to spend your days than yipping at my heels for scraps to remind you of a time of when you once mattered?
Amenadiel: Hm. I know what you're doing. And you can kill the messenger if you must. But just know that I am here for you.
Chloe: I wonder if KPop is still on the market?
Lucifer: Well, it was as of last Tuesday. It's wonderful stuff. Yeah, it makes your skin feel like a baby chinchilla.
Amenadiel: My father always has a plan, I don't doubt that anymore.
Linda: Seems awfully cruel.
Amenadiel: Well, if it were easy, it wouldn't be much of a test. Would it?
Mazikeen: And how did you kill them?
Linda: Really good. And hard. All the way dead.
- Oh, for goodness sake, beelzebub!
- Look, I clearly need to be committed right away.
- Yeah, we're at near capacity, pal.
- So unless you're a danger to yourself or others...
- How's that?
- Great.
- Lovely.
Linda: You've never mentioned your mother before. Why is that?
Lucifer: Well, you wouldn't understand, would you?
Linda: I'd like to.
Dan: You gonna help me or not?
Lucifer: Of course, Daniel.
Dan: You gonna make fun of me all day?
Lucifer: Of course, Daniel.
- My body is a cage
- My body is a cage...
- [Gunshofl
- My mind holds the key
Charlotte: I just want a chance to start - OVER.
Lucifer: But... going HOME?... That's not starting over-that's-that's going BACKwards...
[realizing the meaning of Chloe's words]
Lucifer: ... and that's not good for anyone... so it's time for you to move forward, mum.
- No, Daniel dealt with his guilt.
- He told me as much.
- Luci, you and I both know that guilt is much more complicated and deep-seated than we're even aware of.
- That isn't...
- It's not fair.
- None of this is.
- You should've seen the look on your face. [Chuckles]
[Laughs] Bravo! Bravo, bravo!
- Job absolutely well done! [Laughs]
- As promised, wrap party starts now.
- There's an open bar, food truck's in the back.
- Give yourselves a pat on the back, people! That was, mwah!
Linda: [Talking Maze through surgery] You'll have to fish out the bullet.
Ben: Oh, you know what, I've grown kind of attached to it. I think I'm gonna keep it.
Chloe: Yeah?
- Peterson's running.
Chloe: What?
- He bailed on house arrest.
- His ankle bracelet pinged in downtown traffic, looks like he's headed to union station.
- If he's innocent, why is he running?
- Well, let's go and find out, shall we?
- I can't stay here, Lucifer.
- And I want to control who does the torturing.
- Well, I can't think of anyone
- I would trust more with our old home.
- To mazikeen, queen of hell.
- I was thinking maziqueen, but whatever.
Chloe: Are Lucifer and Ella working on a case that I don't know about?
Dan: Mm. Why?
Chloe: No reason, they just seem to be spending a lot of time together.
Dan: Is someone jealous?
Lucifer: All my time with Dr. Linda has been about exploring the denial that I'm in, but I've overcome that now, I've had an honest-to-Devil epiphany. Now all my problems should just, you know, go away.
Lucifer: There are only two reasons to drink alone, brother. Either you're a chronic dullard, or you're trying to avoid your problems. If it's the latter, I approve.
Amenadiel: My problems are your problems.
- Lucifer...
- Your conscious and subconscious mind are finally acting in concert.
- Do you know what this means?
- That_
- I no longer have to let my wings choose whether or not I'm gonna be god.
Linda: This is happening. At 3:00 a.m. Without a bra.
Lucifer: [First lines] Forgive me, Father... for not offering you a drink. I have an aversion to the cloth. Daddy issues.
Chloe: I am gonna tie a bell around your neck at some point.
Lucifer: Oh, sounds like a fun bit of foreplay.
- "whatever do you mean?"
- I'm worried the humans are rubbing off on you.
- Stop caring.
- You're the devil.
- Yes, I am.
- J'j'
Axara: [Burning sage] After what happened to Jill, I'm smudging my space, and my heart.
Chloe: And my lungs.
- Hey, it's okay.
- We'll just talk later.
- Is there anything I can do now?
- A slurpee would be nice.
- A slurpee it is.
- See you, frank.
- You, too.
Lucifer: Oh, you're right. No time for a quick drink, then.
Chloe: We're on duty.
Lucifer: You are the oldest young person I've ever met! And coming from an immortal, that's saying something.
Judd: I'm sorry for the asshole act, it's just for the cameras.
Lucifer: What do you mean, an act?
Judd: It's the best way to win the cash. I studied every season of The Cabin. 62% of the time, the villain wins. So to play the odds, that's the role I'm playin'.
Lucifer: So the killer dumped the body, hoping the sharks would hide the murder? Should've known we'd smell something fishy.
Ella: Aww, Dad joke, nice.
Lucifer: Thanks. I'm practicing.
Amenadiel: Tell me, what is it you desire?
Blair: For you to move so I can talk to my boyfriend.
Amenadiel: [notices guy behind him] Oh. S-S... Sorry about that.
- And since that's what you're going for these days, you win!
- And so do I. Come on.
- I can't leave until I see what's in his closet.
- Will the helping never end?
- Oh, come on. What are you waiting for?
- Open it.
- Right. Yeah. [Clears throat]
Linda: [to Amenadiel] Stop! You lied to me about being a doctor, so you could manipulate Lucifer, who is actually your brother. Somehow. Do you realize the ethical position you put me in?"
Lucifer: [laughing]
Linda: [to Lucifer] And you. Let me guess. You were going to make a sexual joke about putting me in a position?
Lucifer: [a little shamefacedly] ... that's true... yeah.
Axara: You can't let anyone come in between you and the "things" you're passionate about in this life, or it ain't worth living.
- Listen, guys, if maze did this, would any of you really be shocked?
- Yeah.
- I would.
- No, not at all.
- There's no way.
- Maze: Let me settle it for you.
- I did it.
- A beanbag round?
- Well, you're not clive.
- You have my word.
- I love you.
- I love you both.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- I'll see you soon, mom.
Melvin the Magnificent: Melvin the Magnificent, at your service! Board-certified priest, oracle, shaman, and justice of the peace.
Chloe: What choice do I have?
Lucifer: To ride shotgun with the Devil, for starters.
Lucifer: [to Charlotte] Have you ever considered finding, well, I don't know, a-a place of your own?
Amenadiel: Yeah. Somewhere away from Dad, maybe?
Lucifer: Yes. Somewhere familiar, warmer, perhaps?
Charlotte: You want... You want me back in Hell?
Lucifer: Well, not "in" Hell, per se, but in charge of Hell. I mean, after all, it is a kingdom without a ruler.
Amenadiel: He is right. I mean, there's a great opportunity for upward mobility.
Lucifer: Speaking of extreme, ever heard of extreme dates? Swimming with sharks? Or jelly wrestling, perhaps? That's always a good icebreaker.
Marcus: I wouldn't do that, Chloe.
Chloe: You don't have to do this, Pierce.
Marcus: Yes, I do. And normally, I would just skip town and reinvent myself. But this time, I can't. Not before I kill Lucifer.
Chloe: What? Why?
Marcus: Because I know that he'll never stop hunting me. And I can't afford to spend the rest of my days looking over my shoulder. But you don't have to die, Chloe. Step away from him.
Lucifer: Detective, for once, I agree with this imbecile. Step aside.
Amenadiel: I'm actually not boring. I'm pretty exciting.
[unfolds napkin with a flourish, tucks napkin into top of his shirt]
- And I've hidden it from everyone.
- Dan, Chloe, everyone thinks
- I'm a good person.
- I told amenadiel that I would try to accept myself but...
- How?
- How can I accept myself when this darkness is such a part of who I am?
- I'm sure she'll agree.
- Hey, lady, can I get a copy of that?
- He-he's in whistler with some rich lady named beauregard.
- Now-now please get off my lap.
- You are one terrible...
- "B," lady.
- You're not so bad yourself, norm.
Lucifer: You don't want inferior Ecstasy out there on the streets, ruining orgies and dubstep parties, now, do you?
- She found evidence just tonight.
- DNA.
- It's in the car right now.
- Somebody here is going to jail.
- Oh, but keep that on the dl, all right?
- Knuckles.
Lucifer: It hurts not being accepted for who you are.
- I think, right now, you just need to focus on feeling better, detective.
- Would you have someone bring Trixie in?
- Yes. Yes, of course.
- And we'll talk.
- We'll talk later, yeah?
Lucifer: The good news is, I think you're right. I think Amenadiel does have the child safe. The bad news is... I think it's my least-favorite place...
- Actually, it does belong to me.
- Or, my, my friend.
- Whatever! It doesn't matter!
- I have the gun, give me the box.
- Cuff yourself to the cage. Go.
- You're making a huge mistake here, buddy. Huge.
- No, bro. I'm correcting one.
- Sorry.
- Like he still has feelings for her.
[Gasps]which gives me another way to punish them, far more tortuous than death.
- And we're back to "not good."
- No, no, no, no, this is better.
- And you, my dear doctor, are going to help me. [Laughs]
- So Gabriel is working with Michael.
- Smallest of our problems, brother.
- Biggest being,
- Michael is trying to assemble the flaming sword.
- He's not trying to win an election...
- He's trying to win a war.
- For now.
- But how do you know it won't come back?
- It won't. Trust me.
- Look, I promise.
- You'll never have to see anything monstrous ever again.
- Okay.
Lucifer: [Looking at body] This is not Candy.
Ella: [shouting] Oh, man, that's awesome!
[Everyone at crime scene turns to look at her]
Lucifer: Sorry, my-my friend here. Not a fan of the deceased, I'm afraid.
Ella: Mean, she was just so mean.
Lucifer: Women.
- just as nervous about this date as you are.
- Trust me, when she sees this, it is going to be dress on, panties off.
- Lady shower...
- Okay, that's too much. Too much.
- I'm joking. I love it. Carry on.
- Oh, my god. Are they okay?
- They're fine. They're fine.
- Come on. Wakey-wakey, detective.
Dan: Come on, pal.
- Lieutenant Pierce.
Barista: I've got a wake-up for Charlotte.
Lucifer: You stalked your father's murderer right before he was killed. That was a terrible move, Detective.
[Dromos] Mmm.
- Just right.
Chloe: Electrocuting a colleague? Blowing up his own studio? No one would go that far just to be near me.
Lucifer: Well, I did go to Hell and back for you, twice, but who's counting?
Lucifer: You're saying the blade can sense my emotional state? It's the most powerful weapon in the universe, Mum... The sword that guarded Eden, not a groovy mood ring.
Lucifer: Seriously? You haven't had a decent orgy in years. I leave town for two seconds and you... 50 shades of betray me.
Lucifer: Why don't you two make yourselves comfortable and I'll take first crack at Helen Killer here.
[Gets angry looks]
Lucifer: What? I thought he deserved a new nickname now that he's blind.
Lucifer: Are you sure the detective is your mother? Could she be from somewhere else? Does she have any special powers? What about any markings? Scars, on her back perhaps? There's some chocolate cake in it for you.
Trixie: I want cash.
- Hey, I can't talk right now.
[Maze] You're doing it, aren't you?
- What?
- Don't even think about lying to me, Linda.
- I told you this was a mistake.
- You are going to get hurt.
- I know what I'm doing.
- Listen, like you said, you know me, but you don't know Lucifer.
- Not yet.
- So maybe just... give him a chance.
- He might surprise you.
- What do you want?
- Out.
- All of you out! Go on!
- Go!
Lucifer: I'm not sure what lead I'm following here, but am I supposed to let them punch me, too?
Dan: What? No. I screwed up. Okay, Lucifer? I let my anger get the better of me and now Chloe's gonna pay for it.
Lucifer: What, so this isn't some elaborate game of bloody possum?
Dan: Of course not!
Lucifer: Oh, well, in that case...
[Escapes his bindings]
- You may want credit for my decisions, but...
- I'm confident, this one is all mine.
- Trying to prove to you who he really is.
- And not only did you already know...
- You didn't care.
- Sit down, Reese, let's talk this through.
- No, no.
- Please, Reese.
Lucifer: Glenn, tell me... what is it you desire?
Glenn: I want Bob Goldbach to die.
Lucifer: Oh. Case solved, Detective. Here I was, worried we'd be rusty.
Lucifer: I sense your disapproval, Maze. What is it?
Mazikeen: I just can't understand why you would save a human life.
Lucifer: Well, there's... something different about her that I don't quite understand, and it vexes me.
Mazikeen: Maybe it's not her that's different.
Lucifer: Is there where I'm supposed to ask, "Whatever do you mean?"
- Chloe, I know.
- I've been looking for a way to explain things, but nothing makes sense.
- I will fix this, though, I promise.
- No more promises.
- I just want to do our jobs.
- What's that?
- I don't understand?
- Unless this means that you have lost it and I have got it again.
- Well, step aside, detective.
- Niels... tell me...
- What do you truly desire?
- Is this the way you people solve crimes?
- Even better than when I was locked up in there.
- Oh, my dad was myjailer too.
- It's a very specific kind of pain, isn't it?
- Ay, myjefe turned me in for stealing credit card numbers, homes.
- It was my birthday too. [Sighs]
- Mm-hmm. Right. [Inhales deeply]
Dromos: We don't wanna burn our itty-bitty new king.
[Hands back bottle]
Dromos: Just let it cool. He's just not used to the heat... yet.
Linda: Okay, so, how do you angels work? I know Amenadiel can slow time, and your other brother Uriel could predict patterns. So why is your gift desire?
Lucifer: Well, that's a good question, actually, I suppose. When I first went to angel school, they sorted us into different houses for different powers.
Linda: There's a school for angels?
Lucifer: No.
[laughs]
Lucifer: There's no Hogwarts in the sky.
- me being the devil...
[Chuckles] That is, if you haven't already...
- Then just know that it is totally fine with me.
- Okay. I-I don't think that's necessary.
- Right. So you haven't told anyone about me?
- Not a soul.
- Shut up about something called gluten.
- But existing in this punishment allows me to be closer to my family.
- Understand?
- Of course not.
- You're all alone.
- Quit stalling and give us the money!
- I've got the money.
- It's right here.
- It's in the bag.
- {gunshofl -[Groans]
- Get down!
Lucifer: [after re-arranging Chloe's desk] I'm particularly proud of the new filing system, complete with a "Sexy Victims" pile, "Obvious Killers" pile. And "Boring Crimes" pile, to be ignored, of course.
Ella: Teamwork is dream work.
Chloe: Why do you care who I'm with?
Lucifer: Because he doesn't... He doesn't deserve you.
Chloe: Then who does deserve me?
Lucifer: Someone. Someone better?
- He overthought everything.
- His plan was way too complex.
- He should have just walked right up to Lucifer and shot him like that stupid human did.
- That guy actually got closer to destroying Lucifer than anyone else.
- What stupid human?
- No, see, you're doing it again.
Lucifer: New I.D., bank account, passport.
- I know just the person to go to.
- Oh.
- Damn, you're good.
- Yep. [Door shuts]
- Sure, why not?
- Sebastian's a Saint.
- You're the perfect mom.
- And I'm just the big, bad, evil demon.
- And what would someone truly evil do to the one who framed her?
- Promise me that if you ever wanna know anything, uh, about me ever again, that, uh...
- That you'll just ask.
- Deal.
- Great.
- See ya.
- Handsome, beefy, strong jaw.
- Eyepatch?
- That's the guy! [Bangs table]
- Listen.
- I don't want any trouble, but if you meet me out back in five,
- I might be able to get you the skinny.
- All right.
- You're afraid for baby Charlie, right?
- Yes, luci. Of course I am.
- What's to stop more demons from coming up and taking my son again.
- I went back to hell for a reason.
- I was concerned too, but I'm not anymore.
- Everyone's in line. Trust me.
Lucifer: Hello, murderer.
- You're already finding things to freak out about.
- I'm not finding anything, detective.
- All I've done is lose stuff.
- Do you realize how long it took for us to get here?
- We finally have something good going on.
- I mean, can we please just enjoy it for a minute?
- Of course. Of course.
Lucifer: Hello there, I'm Lucifer. Lucifer Morning...
Katarina: Yes
Lucifer: Yes to what?
Katarina: Anything.
Lucifer: [Smiles] Still got it
Chloe: Is it true you're the head of the Ferrante mob family?
Lucifer: Well, come on. Answer her.
Charlotte: [Defense lawyer instincts kick in] You do not need to answer that.
Frankie: I don't?
Charlotte: [Backtracks] ... But it would be helpful if you did.
Lucifer: Right. Enough of this "bad cop, worse cop."
Lucifer: No way in Hell I'd ever return to, well, you know.
Mazikeen: What? Are you still upset about me trying to betray you and kill you? That was a month ago.
Lucifer: No, of course not. What do you think I am? Human?
- I want to be with you.
- And I don't like who
- I am with you!
- Sorry.
- I-I have to take this. It's work.
- Detective, how can I help you?
- No, I don't know where amenadiel is. Why?
- Lucifer!
- Oh, my god. Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah, I'm fine, but this neanderthal has soiled my di Stefano!
- Oh, dear.
- You don't still have amenadiel's necklace, do you?
- I'm in a rush. Mind taking him the rest of the way?
- Who's this?
- What am I, your secretary?
- He's a bad guy. Figure it out.
- Listen, it's been a long and painful road for all of us.
- But the time has come for Lucifer to ascend the throne.
- You're right, brother.
- It's time.
- Next time you see me I'll be god.
- Ruler of heaven and earth.
- Oh, you gonna get it.
Eve: Uh, babe?
- I thought we had plans.
- Nah, sorry.
- Right, ling, you're up next.
- ♪ hey, you I
Lucifer: [Walking right past a couple of bodyguards] Hello chaps, just looking for the head of a big drug cartel. Is he home? Vicky?
- Maybe almighty was one of 'em.
- "You're perfect just the way you are," god says. [Chuckling]
- But what is that?
- If he wasn't invincible,
- I would rip his stupid guts out!
Amenadiel: Careful with this one.
- She's a murderous, backstabbing traitor.
- I just don't get it, detective.
- Why would an actor kill a man who gave him a role of a lifetime?
- I don't know. Maybe he didn't like being someone else's puppet.
- Sir, please, your scene was supposed to start 40 minutes ago.
- Uh, stand aside, please.
- Thank you.
Professor: It keeps happening. Over and over. It's like I'm in Hell!
Lucifer: There's no "like" about it.
- oh, I'm trying each passing hour race and gone out of sight can't hold me down can't hold me down can't hold me down
Mazikeen: [to Dan] I can't believe Amenadiel carried you. In his arms. Like a little baby.
- is that I can trust you.
- That's all.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Charlotte: I'm the best.
Chloe: At getting criminals off.
Charlotte: Well, that's not true. I haven't slept with any of my clients.
Ella: You need a favor?
Lucifer: Yes, your scientific expertise on a discreet matter.
Ella: Paternity test?
Lucifer: What? Do I look like someone who'd be so irresponsible?
Dan: Easy. Just follow a plan whipped up spur-of-the-moment by a demon to deliver a psychopath to a bunch of murderers, after I scam him into saving my life. It'll work perfectly.
Mazikeen: Just don't screw it up.
- you could be stuck with him for another 70 years.
- That's a lot of quality time.
- Copy, not her.
[Sighs] Now, what we need is someone ancient, someone at death's door.
- Someone...
[Stutters] I have no idea if you're into it, but it's totally my thing, and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me.
- Star Trek? Please, miss Lopez knows more about that stuff than you ever could.
- See? She even speaks Chewbacca.
- You deserve it.
- But if you don't mind,
- I really must be on my way.
- Oh, yeah, of course.
- Hey, have a nice evening.
- You, too, officer.
- You, too.
- You're the guy who said the ends justify the means.
- Yeah, legal means, maze.
- Look, you need to think like one of us if you're going to even have a shot...
- No!
- You have to think like them.
- That is how I catch them, and that is how we'll get this guy.
Lucifer: If I kill a human, then I lose my wings! And, because I've been such a naughty angel, I get my devil face back, and... bonus!... I rid humanity of our sightless psychopath. Three birds, one Sinnerman.
- I've been manipulated, brother.
- By that mewling little dj.
- Okay. Calm down, luci.
- Bad enough when father does it, but that little cretin...
- They could be right outside.
- Good!
[Angrily] Jed can see who he's really playing with.
- I don't know his name!
- I only know his, his username, okay?!
- “Truthdog21“!
- Please! Stop! [Cries]
- Oh, oh!
[Panting]: Oh.
Dan: Oh, man, what the hell? Are you here to work, or are you here to play games?
Lucifer: I'll have you know I take the School of Dan quite seriously, even if it does involve skinny-fit jeans.
Lucifer: Sometimes the people closest to you can turn on you. Wouldn't you agree, Detective?
Chloe: Maybe,
Lucifer: Madame, please! Ground your helicopter.
Chloe: Oh, god.
Lucifer: Not quite yet.
Lucifer: Was your offspring planned or a mistake?
Chloe: Planned, sort of.
Lucifer: Really? 'Cause I've never understood the human desire to procreate.
Chloe: That's probably a good thing.
Lucifer: I mean, children are hideous little creatures, terrible, taxing burdens.
Chloe: Hmm.
Lucifer: Mm. Oh, um, yours is fine. I mean, you know, nothing to crow about, but nothing to be too embarrassed about, either, so that's quite good, isn't it?
Chloe: Are you at all aware of how dickish you sound?
Lucifer: No. Speaking of dicks... why was that ex-husband of yours pressuring you to close the case?
Chloe: No reason.
Lucifer: [trying to use his powers on her] Strange.
Chloe: Yes, you are.
- Then maybe you should just stay away from everybody.
- Stay away from Chloe.
- But...
- I don't want to.
- Then don't.
- J'j'
- detective Decker can put you in a cold, dark room so you can think about what you've done, young man.
- Oh...
- Ah!
Amenadiel: Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
- I'm feeling something entirely new.
- Regretful? Ridiculous? Ready to go home?
- No, no, no. My... my forehead is wet, but my throat is dry.
- And the floor is starting to spin.
- Lucifer, is the floor starting to spin for you?
- Dad?
- I said, shut up!
- while I was unconscious...
- Oh.
- Hey, speaking of kicking your ass, I'm proud of you for bouncing back.
- Friends fight, right?
- Yeah.
- Dick.
Dan: What the hell you doing here?
Mazikeen: Just getting some air.
Dan: Right. Air. In the backseat of my car that is parked in a garage.
[first lines]
Lucifer: [behind woman on building ledge] Go on. Go ahead, jump. You know you want to. Hmm? Trust me, it's a warm welcome.
Young: Won't it hurt?
Lucifer: Oh, there's only one way to find out...
Jacob: Unless you have actual cause to charge me with something, this little chat is over.
Lucifer: Oh, I'm the devil, Tiernan, I have all the cause I need.
- He just forgot to mention you were so damn hot.
- I like her.
Lucifer: Oh, I'm so glad.
- Because I'm going to have to exit orgy left, I'm afraid.
- What?
- I know, sugarplum, but mandatory meeting at work.
- Can't be helped.
Remiel: As we both know, it's forbidden for humans and celestials to intermingle in an amorous manner. The child shouldn't exist.
Amenadiel: The child is innocent.
Remiel: Exactly. Which is why we must find the child, snatch it up and take it to Heaven for the rest of eternity.
Mazikeen: Look, I'm going to get to the point. Usually I go straight for the sex, but my friend thinks I'm too invested in her baby... thinks I need to find a connection of my own, so... I'm looking for someone I can do that with.
Mirror: Whatever. I'm in.
Mazikeen: ...You're too clingy. This is never going to work.
Lucifer: What do you know about God Johnson?
Pyro: I like fire.
Lucifer: Right, never mind.
Normal: Maybe I can help. I did see him perform a miracle.
Lucifer: [Perks up] Really?
Normal: ...He scored me an extra Jell-O at snack time. Shh.
Chloe: What was stolen?
Amenadiel: My necklace.
Chloe: The estimated value?
Amenadiel: It's hard to say, really, uh... It's not of this world, so there's that. Priceless beyond measure.
Chloe: ...I'll just put down $40.
Linda: You don't know why for sure your wings have returned.
Lucifer: They've returned because Dad is a control freak. He's pissed off that He can't get Mum back, so He stuck my wings back on. But I am not His Mr. Potato Head.
Ella: Studies show that the brain does some of its best work when it's not trying. That's why great ideas come in the shower.
Lucifer: For me, it's usually women.
- Do you want to see it?
- Yeah.
- Turn around.
- I'm ready.
- Cool!
- We're gonna get so much candy.
Ella: That's so Maze.
- Yeah.
- Don't worry.
- You won't be going alone.
- I'll be sending Decker along right behind you.
- Oh, Chloe...
- Oh, Decker...
[Echoing]: Home, sweet home.
- J'j'
- Bloody ash.
- That can't be right.
- It's open.
- This isn't possible.
Ella: When I had to ask my landlord permission to get Bob, literally put it on my calendar.
Chloe: Oh, wasn't the, uh, the chicken, named Margaret?
Ella: Bob was my turtle.
Chloe: What happened to Bob?
Ella: Didn't get along with Margaret.
Amenadiel: Now, there are good people out there who can find out the real truth, but they're gonna need your help. And I'm not asking you to have faith in them. Have faith in me.
- I'm going to tell you the real reason
- I want to be god.
- I...
Zadkiel: I know why Lucifer wants the throne.
- He told me.
- And it's for love, of all things.
- Eleanor bloom's entire moving crew is passed out on your floor.
- The police aren't gonna be here for at least another day.
- Lux is fine.
- I really need your help here.
- Really?
Carol: Listen, you... you don't have to know every little detail about someone as long as you already know their heart.
Ella: God, just when I thought I'd found a good guy.
Pete: I am a good guy.
Ella: Yeah, except for the whole, you know, killing people part.
Pete: Exactly. Everyone has flaws.
Kay: You could work anywhere... Your office, your home, but you choose to work in this bar. Why?
Marcus: I like a stiff drink?
Lucifer: Detective would you like to use your newly acquired charms on this lovely chap?
Chloe: Well, yes, I would. I just don't want to rub salt in your wound.
Lucifer: Well, obviously I'd love you to rub something else, but we're learning to share, aren't we?
Mazikeen: Aren't you overreacting? I mean, a fever of 101 doesn't sound like a big deal to me. In Hell, we kept it at a brisk 120.
- Well, there's an oxymoron.
- It's just yourjacket.
- You're okay.
- Hardly. That's the second suit
- I've ruined in as many days.
[Chuckles] But yes.
- Are you okay?
Chloe: No one wants to work with me.
Lucifer: Well, I'm available.
- See? I am the devil.
- Nice try, Santa.
- Tell me what you told the police.
- Only the truth.
- That you, Mr. Kringle, are a cold-blooded killer.
- What else?
- What do you want to know, nurse kipsy?
Lucifer: What are you so upset about? I mean, it was a valuable teaching moment for the children. They are our future, after all.
Chloe: You're teaching them to grow drugs!
Lucifer: No, no, no, I'm teaching them to *sell* drugs.
[to Jacob Williams]
Lucifer: Do you want to destroy me? Get in line!
- Yeah, do whatever.
- I got to go.
- Hello?
- I'll take that as a yes.
Dan: Yeah, I'm just following up on...
- Uh, yeah.
Chloe: What Perry Smith deserved was to rot in jail for the rest of his life.
Mazikeen: But still. Pretty awesome that someone took him out, right? I bet it hurt. A lot.
Chloe: Whoever did this is no better than he was.
- You know, I go down, you go down.
- Then I go down.
- It's too bad.
[Handcuffs clicking] I mean,
- I thought we had something really special going.
- Go to hell. Come on.
Amenadiel: Honestly, Luci, who cares how you spend your nights?
Lucifer: Um, *everyone*. My exciting lifestyle gives regular people something to aspire to. I provide hope.
Jack: Yeah, thanks for having my six back there.
Lucifer: But you told me to stay behind you. Which wasn't easy considering you spent so much time on the pavement.
- A lifelong atheist, you took one peek at the wings and something changed in you.
- The great white light was revealed and a believer was born, one who couldn't part with real divinity!
Lucifer: [Lucifer has been shot and is lying on the floor bleeding profusely]
[Sound of Lucifer's Heart Beating]
Lucifer: I don't know if this is all part of the plan... or if you can even hear me...
[laughing Weakly]
Lucifer: But if you're up there... DAD!...
[laughs]
Lucifer: I need a favor...
[Gasping]
Lucifer: I'll be the son you always wanted me to be...
[Choking]
Lucifer: I'll do as you ask...
[Heartbeat slowing]
Lucifer: go where you want me to... I-in exchange... all I ask... is that you protect Chloe.
[Heartbeat Stops]
Mazikeen: Looks like we're gonna need to pay Doug a visit.
Chloe: A guy like Doug's gonna...
Mazikeen: Lawyer up?
Chloe: First sign of police.
Mazikeen: We need...
Chloe: Leverage.
Mazikeen: I know what you're thinking.
Chloe: Might be the only way.
Mazikeen: But what about...
Chloe: It's dangerous.
Mazikeen: Then what if we...
Chloe: He'll see it coming.
Mazikeen: [Thinks, then smiles] I have an idea.
Chloe: [Gasps] Absolutely not, Maze! You should be ashamed of yourself.
Mazikeen: Fine! Fine! We'll do it your way.
Chloe: Good.
Aiden: Nice dress.
Amenadiel: It's a robe.
Aiden: You wear it well.
Amenadiel: Humans.
- I was supposed to keep him nodding out.
- Eh, partying.
- Who hired you to carry out this ridiculous charade?
- No idea. I-I got the job through the agency that sets it all up.
- They're called masquerade, inc.
- Is here with humanity?!
- This is my home!
- Deal with it, mother!
- Mom: You seem attached to these creatures and I can't figure out why.
- Let me at least buy you dinner tonight to celebrate.
- Oh, come on, detective, a bit of help here!
- I need you further away.
- Freeze!
- There's nowhere left to run, professor.
Charlotte: I heard... things.
[Lucifer imitates a cellphone behind Chloe's back]
Charlotte: On a... On - on the phone call.
Chloe: Like ?
Charlotte: [Lucifer imitates a gun with his hand] Fingers. Pointing?
Chloe: You *heard* fingers pointing?
Charlotte: [Lucifer seems angry] Very angrily. Yes. Also, a gunshot.
[Lucifer puts his hand on his chest and falls slowly]
Charlotte: Sounded like he was dying, or... melting?
[Lucifer looks at her, dumbfounded]
Charlotte: It's... hard to tell.
- The devil's supposed to be pure evil, right?
- But he started out as an angel.
- Come on, you can't start good and then turn all evil.
- I mean, really? That's what they want us to believe?
- You're right. He's an angel.
- No, my point is that it's all bullshit.
- Okay.
- It's too far, maze.
- She won't make it.
- We need to do something.
- We need more time.
- We just need more time.
Ella: Okay, so you were married to Candy for a week...
Lucifer: Uh, *two* weeks.
- Well, technically, it's because of his own guilt, which he really should have gotten over by now.
- Forget about the past, brother.
- Focus on the future.
- Your future...
- With Chloe.
Mazikeen: Text me when you've done the deed. Actually... I'll be able to tell by the plague of locusts.
Lucifer: You're clearly Booth. I'm Bones, obviously
Chloe: Obviously.
Lucifer: Kevin's autopsy report. Good.
[Flicks through the pages]
Lucifer: Now, I've been thinking, perhaps there was a slight depression on the occipital, or slight fractures to the femur? Did you know there were 206 bones in a human body? Each of them a clue, sometimes twice. And the coccyx is not what it sounds-...
Chloe: No coccyx.
Amenadiel: I've made a decision about my son. And even though in my heart, I... I believe it's right, I know it's gonna be painful.
Lucifer: Oh. Right, that. Well, 79 percent of American boys are circumcised, so you'll be in the majority if you go that way; however, it does reduce sensation by about 32.8 percent, according to Dr. Oz.
Chloe: If I'm gonna take this guy down, I need my partner. And that's you, Lucifer Morningstar.
Lucifer: Hey, I should get my own desk.
Chloe: Not happening.
Lucifer: These are the future leaders of America, Detective., engaging in sex, drugs, and... lecherous behavior. Makes me proud.
- is not the answer, okay.
- Clearly, this woman is having some serious trust issues.
- Clearly.
- Or maybe she's just a raging bitch.
[Iaughin on! G]-
Vincent: You're lying.
[Inhales sharply] You're lying!
- I'm not.
Chloe: This is the longest you've ever gone without talking. *Ever*. Is something on your mind?
Lucifer: Nothing. That's the problem.
- Come on, detective.
- You can't seriously believe
- I killed that pathetic malcontent.
- It doesn't matter what I believe.
- That's all that matters, detective.
- Put your hands in the air and surrender yourself.
- This is probably dumb, but I did a ton of research on the whisper killer.
- It's all in a box at my place.
- If you would ever want it...
- Are you trying to make me like you even more?
- Hmm, maybe.
[Sighs] You're just...
- Look, I... I'll call you later. Bye.
- Bye.
Amenadiel: Can we please talk about the immediate problem here? Like all of us archangels gathered here on Earth, out in the open for all of humanity to see!
Lucifer: Relax, brother, this is LA. No one will even notice.
- -[Stabbing] {935951 gotcha.
- How does it feel to be powerless?
- And you, miss Lopez, shine so very, very brightly.
- I can see it all the way from heaven.
[Gasps] Oh. Uh, those are the results.
- Oh, my gosh.
- My hunch paid off.
Lucifer: I see the cocaine is working.
Ella: [Speaking a mile a minute] Really? How can you tell? I don't feel any different.
- That's why this is so scary.
- But we have to embrace that.
- I can't.
- Yes, you can.
- I'm sorry.
- Maze?
- Maze?
- I'll explain later, but for now, we'll just, you know, enjoy the moment.
[Chuckles] After you.
- Lovely.
- Right, I should warn you...
- This is hardly a fair fight.
Chloe: You're the devil. But you're also an angel.
- So, what happened to Jack and Shirley?
- Did they live happily ever after?
- Well, they moved to des moines, probably not.
- My mom says dealing with your problems is the only way to get past them.
- I bet Jack and Shirley talked the whole bus ride and fixed everything.
- Yes. Yes, perhaps they did.
[Inhales deeply] Right.
- Story time's over.
[Laughing]: Oh, you've got a gun.
- Scary.
- Hey, you tell Steve
- I am officially impressed.
- You think this is funny?!
- Lucifer!
- Well, maybe it's a bit funny.
- The whole deal.
- So, um...
- So there.
- Okay.
- Really?
- N n
- If we hadn't been there tonight...
- But we were.
[Softly] We were.
- That's how I do it, and that's why I do it.
- And why I have to keep after it.
- Why we have to.
Chloe: I've been thinking, and Linda does have a point. Feeling powerless is no joke. I'm so used to dismissing your crazy antics that I haven't been taking you...
[Notices holster]
Chloe: Seriously? A gun?
Lucifer: Well, I like to call it "our" gun.
Lucifer: Never fear, Luci-Dan is here. Or is it Douche-ifer?
- Excuse me, do you have any children?
- Why? Did Ramona send you?
- Hey, man, I'm all paid up on my child support.
Lucifer: [about Charlotte] I'll never get to see her again.
Chloe: I know. I still can't believe it.
Lucifer: Well, at least you'll get to see her, Detective. Eventually. In heaven. But I, well, she's gone somewhere I simply can't follow.
- Well, I was his inside woman, and now I'm yours.
Lucifer: [Gunshots] Why is it that sometimes
- I'm immortal...
- And other times
- I'm all too human?
- It appears that you make me vulnerable.
Trixie: Parents, they're a mystery.
Lucifer: Well, I'll give you that.
Dan: Where's a goddamned celestial when you need one?
- I mean, don't-don't you care?
- You do what you can, Decker.
- You can't save them all.
- 0h.
- But, um, good luck with Lucifer's... thing or whatever.
- I don't know.
- What about Charlie?
- Charlie?
- After Charlotte.
- I love it.
- Charlie, meet dad.
- She seemed devastated when
- Bobby said he was a joke thief.
- Well, maybe she's not pissed off about the theft.
- What? Well, then, what else would she be angry about?
- Let's find out.
- Okay.
[Sighs] As if these puppets weren't creepy enough.
Lucifer: Dad's all-powerful.
Axara: Works in government?
Lucifer: Mmm. Rules the universe.
Axara: Freaking politicians.
Lucifer: [to God] Doughnuts are here. A triumph of Mankind, as I'm sure you're aware.
Amenadiel: You're not evil. You're the Devil. You *punish* evil. Your words.
Chloe: We'd like to ask you a few questions about Kevin Winstead.
Phil: The answer's yes... he's a douchebag.
Lucifer: Did you know that he was murdered?
Phil: No, but it's nice to get good news for a change.
- We could find something else that doesn't make you make that face.
- I just...
- Right.
- Well, I'll be there if you change your mind.
- Not that I expect you usually do, but a father can dream.
Chloe: [to Bree. after diffusing the bomb] I think that means you can take your thumb off now.
Lucifer: And don't tell us where you want to put it next.
Mazikeen: [Cut to Maze, fighting Amenadiel] Up your butt!
- to describe this Wesley dude that she was trying to steal?
- Um, I think that actually falls under ghost rule no-nos.
- Ray-ray, come on.
- This is important.
- And you said that you wanted to help your friend.
- Yeah, okay. [Clears throat]
- Let me see if I can, uh, communicate with her.
Donovan: [Lucifer is raiding the bar at Lux] Mr. Morningstar. We're going to need those.
Lucifer: Not as much as I do.
- Kind of creeped her out.
- Wh-why are you asking?
- Is this Ashley a suspect?
- Oh, well, I can't divulge any of that information at this time.
- But you've been incredibly helpful, Mr. Green.
- Thank you.
- You in the mood for some ice cream?
Lucifer: It's not about the idea. It's about the execution. It's about how I use the wings.
Linda: That's... actually... pretty wise.
Lucifer: Yeah. So I'll just tuck them away and pretend they don't exist.
Linda: ...Less good.
- That he was a failure?
- Luci, come on.
[Laughs] No, don't worry, brother.
- We're all being tortured.
- All in the name of our father's mysterious ways.
- Ooh! For example, dad, are you ever going to tell us why hell suddenly doesn't need a warden anymore?
Ella: [about victim] A fellow nerd. I'm sure you're in a better place now.
Lucifer: Well, even if she's in the worst place, it'd be far more interesting than this, because this poor lady, definitely a shoe.
Lucifer: So we're assuming that our killer listens to this juvenile program? We've narrowed our suspects down to anyone who doesn't have satellite radio, and Ms. Lopez.
- Cannot wait!
- And for this...
- Final act on stage.
- I will literally conquer death...
- And emerge...
- Resu rrected!
- I saw him do it, and he knows I saw.
- You have to help me.
- Of course. Just tell us where you are.
- Inglewood cemetery in the big mausoleum on the right.
- Hurry, please.
- Stay where you are.
- We'll be right there.
- Let's roll.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
- That is the perfect way to understand the detective.
- I'm gonna take the lead and be her.
- Right.
- That is not what I meant.
- N“ n”
- Right, she sticks a little between third and fourth, so you might wanna... oh!
- When I said the top speed was 140,
- I didn't mean you had to... [screams]
- Oh! [Laughs nervously]
- Damn it.
[Sighs] Mightjust want to pump the brakes next time.
Lucifer: Let me guess, you were in love with the groom. This is always about jealousy, isn't it?
Shauna: No! It was Peggy.
Lucifer: Oh, much more interesting, go on.
Lucifer: I see what's happening here. A mysterious figure handing out favors, probably dashing and handsome. You think I'm the Sinnerman. Well, truth is...
Marcus: You're not the Sinnerman. He's smart, and calculated.
Lucifer: [aggrieved] You don't know me. Maybe I am the Sinnerman. Surprise!
- Well, actually, I'm slightly less disappointed now.
- 0h.
- It's you.
- So maybe this wasn't a total waste of time.
- Mm, maybe we should stop talking.
- And by "we," I mean "you."
- Well, I'm sorry, but she was twice your age.
- Careful, careful!
- Oops.
- So that's where that scratch came from.
- Okay, that's probably enough for today.
- You can pull over.
Lucifer: Congratulations, Amenadiel. Or should I say... Amenagod.
- I'm at a convent in silver lake, off Cole and Galvin.
- How long do you think until you...
- Get here?
- Oh, of course. [Chuckles]
- Angel and all that.
- How can I help you, Chloe?
Lucifer: [Regarding Willie "The Sausage Prince"] My dear friend Sigmund would have had a field day with you.
- with the donation thingy, and I can, uh, take the little sh... ugar plum fairy to school.
- Are you sure?
- For my partner?
- Yes, I can sacrifice.
- You okay with that?
- Brilliant.
- At least not like his father.
- True, but you're here.
- And the big guy's not.
- I bet Lucifer is plotting his revenge as we speak.
- Hmm.
- J' wide awake ♪
Trixie: What happened to Jack and Shirley? Did they live happily ever after?
Lucifer: Well, they moved to Des Moines, so... probably not.
- Haven't a clue.
- Look, all I know is that my powers are perfect for me.
- Desire is the ultimate expression of free will.
- I help people do whatever...
- Or whomever... they want.
- But that's it?
- There isn't more to it?
- I'm a warrior won't hold back nobody's gonna bring me down
- LAPD, get out of the car.
- And then I'll give you this.
- The antidote.
- Why? [Breath shudders]
- Why are you doing this?
- I always liked working with you, Dan.
- I left you the address of the bookkeeper on the fridge.
- Along with a note to get some la Croix or something.
- He is behind every bad thing that's ever happened to me.
- Well, everything apart from you, and for someone who's supposed to be omniscient, it's amazing that you never actually see that.
- And apparently never will.
[Mouths] Now?
- Can I, mum?
- You're as bad as he is.
- I am tired of being a pawn.
- I'm done.
- Lucifer? You here?
- J'j'
- Well, then we just need to find amenadiel, don't we?
- Yes.
- And get the piece.
- Because if we don't get you back to heaven before the detective gets to you, then she is quite literally toast.
- N“ n“
Lucifer: Where were you, Maze?
Mazikeen: Wait, you think I'm helping her? Have you forgotten who *actually* tortured her in Hell?
Lucifer: Well, desperation makes for strange bedfellows... I've just pictured you in bed with my mom. Oh, I can't un-see that now.
Chloe: That's your bedtime story. I'll read that to you tonight.
Trixie: No, read it to me now!
Lucifer: This... best birth control in the world.
- I don't want to hear it.
- We're not saying goodbye, Lucifer.
- But I need you to know...
- No.
- I can't.
- I can't.
- Just be with me.
Jay: I'll get my act together, I promise.
Lucifer: No need to promise, Jay Lopez. Because I'll be watching you, and if you ever disappoint her again... I'll come for you.
Lucifer: [to Chloe] How can I call you "the detective" if you're not actually a detective?
- So you're saying your brazen act of violence, it wasn't personal at all?
- Manny was just a means to an end.
- You're under arrest, justine, for the murder of Manny Taylor.
- After all that, I could really use a glass of champagne.
- Chee...
Lucifer: Reach for the unexpected, and allow yourself to be surprised.
- In our time together, you managed to do something not even god almighty was able to accomplish.
- You have made me a better man.
- Thank you, Lucifer.
- That's the best compliment a therapist could receive.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm closing the case against him.
- To a good cop.
- To Malcolm.
- To Malcolm.
- All: To Malcolm.
Linda: You like to hide insecurity in humor, don't you?
- What do you think
- I'm insecure about?
- That you are changing, that you don't know what's causing the change.
- Or who.
[Mouthing] Thank you.
Rory: This is what Lucifer does...
- Every damn time.
- He might still make it.
- No, he won't.
- I can't believe I fell for it again.
- Don't kill me!
- Lucifer.
- Don't move.
Lucifer: Detective, you should leave.
- Who are you?
- What are you?
- I have never lied to you.
- And I will never lie to you.
- What was in the container?
- Russian dolls.
- Russian dolls?
Father: I know the divine is real. And I also know that evil walks the earth. And that you, Mr. Morningstar...
Lucifer: Oh, brother, here we go.
Father: ...Are not it.
Charlotte: Humans are silly animals, aren't they? Weak. Fragile.
Mazikeen: That's what I'm counting on.
- Well, not at first.
- To be honest, I thought
- I was being scammed.
- Well, what changed your mind?
- How did you realize that she was yours?
- You know, I think it was the first moment I looked into her eyes.
- Just felt it in my gut.
- Like I said, change of plans.
- Look, I summoned you here to get Lucifer, not terrorize some poor, innocent child!
- You listen to me.
- I... [exhales] I command you...
- Stop talking!
Lucifer: Believe me, there is no winning when you play by a twisted tyrant's rules.
- I will put out a bolo.
- What is it with you and bolos?
- Why don't you just use
- Freddy's Dutch oven app?
- Gives you their current locale.
- You never know when you're in the mood for a good strooping.
- I called in a favor to Detroit pd.
- Had them run that dude's prints on the dl.
- Uh-huh. And...?
- He's an only child.
- There is no sister.
- So that means that they're walking into a trap.
Lucifer: Well, we can't punish the innocent. Or even the usually guilty but innocent this one time. It's the principle of the matter.
Linda: [Finds an old book at Lucifer's] Hamlet.
[Reads inscription on the first page]
Linda: "Thanks for the punch up. Love, Will." Wow.
Chance: We are here with our jilted lover, Lucifer. Now, first off, what is up with that name? "Lucifer"?
[Chuckles]
Chance: You think maybe that is part of the reason that's driving a wedge between you and your old lady?
[Lucifer gives him a death glare]
Chloe: What about Hell?
Lucifer: [Chuckles] Oh, right. That's what this is about, is it? You probably want to know who's down there, don't you? Well, many may surprise you. Jim Morrison, for instance, Gary Coleman.
Lucifer: [Discovering Pierce is still alive] Shouldn't you be, I don't know, having tea with Hitler by now?
Amenadiel: What about the name, uh, "Zoriel"? That's a good name for a warrior. We can call him "Zori" for short. Or "Ezekiel". "Zeke".
Linda: Yeah. Um... I was thinking about the name... "Jack".
Amenadiel: Hmm. Mm.
[Considers]
Amenadiel: Short for "Jackiel".
[Linda gives him a look]
Amenadiel: We could definitely put that on the list. Right after "Azmortiel".
Lieutenant: The man was an artist.
Lucifer: Sorry, is that a vape pen?
Lieutenant: Hot cinnamon. Keeps the weight off.
Lucifer: [sighs] You were doing so well.
Chloe: You can't just walk in there in your three-piece suit and say,
[in a terrible Lucifer imitation]
Chloe: "Hello, drug dealers!"
Lucifer: I would never do that.
Lucifer: [at the karaoke bar] Annyeong, mayagsang!
["Hello, drug dealers!" but in Korean]
Ella: Is it really so crazy? I mean, what if God was one of us?
Chloe: Just a slob, like one of us.
Ella: Exactly. Or just a..
Chloe: A stranger on a bus.
Lucifer: My father would never use public transport. That song is completely unrealistic.
- Anyhow, speaking of work.
- Uh, any leads?
- None yet. But I'll have more when I get everything back to the lab.
- Okay, great.
- Call me if anything comes up.
- You got it?
- Okay.
- And till then, maze, I do believe we have other work to do.
Linda: Maybe I should feed him again. Or... or get him another blanket. Or take this blanket off? I mean, how are you supposed to know what temperature babies like when they can't talk?
Lucifer: Right. Here's the deal.
- We can have as much naked cuddle time as you desire, but you're gonna have to listen to me, too.
- You know, just an existential dilemma or two. Deal?
Linda: Yes.
- J'j'
Chloe: Is there anything I need to know about how to fight a demon?
Lucifer: Not really. Just that they are super strong, scary and mean. Like Maze.
- yeah, it won't be long till time moves on it's gonna keep on turnin' as time moves on
- Oops!
- Take care of her, will you?
- I do.
- We take care of each other.
- Only one was from a private residence.
- Probably the killer's.
- We're already here. Send for backup.
- Uh, gotta go.
Lucifer: Ugh!
[Elia] Oh, god.
[Whispering] Lucifer...
Chloe: What?
Lucifer: I promise you
- I can get to that antidote without harming myself.
Chloe: How?
Lucifer: We don't have time to explain.
- Do you trust me?
Chloe: Yes.
Lucifer: Then go.
- Go!
- It's just goodbye for now.
- All right?
Chloe: Thank you.
- Did you know about this?
- But I got a pretty good idea what it's all about.
- Or should I say who it's about.
- in general. I want to go home.
- Last time I took someone on a celestial uber ride, the detective almost died.
- You're afraid of your daddy?
- You are gonna regret this.
- I can help us both get what we want.
Linda: Lucifer, I walked into this with my eyes wide open, chose to be your friend and face all that comes with that. The good, the bad and the crispy.
Chloe: You are lucky my daughter likes you so much.
Lucifer: Yes, I'm starting to respect the deceptive little parasite.
Chloe: Oh, well, that's nice.
- What are you talking about?
- Jed's after Chloe,
- I told you to watch out for him.
- I mean, come on. It's obvious that he's trying to get between you two so he can swoop right in.
- Geez.
- I'll go see if I can catch him.
Dan: [Lucifer is dressed exactly like him] Oh, man, what the hell? Are you here to work, or are you here to play games?
Lucifer: I'll have you know I take the School of Dan quite seriously, even if it does involve skinny-fit jeans.
- Hi, Charlie.
- Oh, my god. Hi...
- I will climb to the place I belong hi. [Chuckle]
- Hi, Charlie. I'm your sister.
- Like the world's never known
Dan: Trixie's finally down.
Chloe: She conned you into reading the book about the sneezing panda, didn't she?
Dan: Five times.
Ella: You must be Detective Decker's civilian consultant.
Lucifer: Lucifer Morningstar.
Ella: Cool.
Lucifer: I was expecting a different reaction considering your choice of bling.
[Looks at her cross necklace]
Ella: Oh. Dude, I had a friend named Adolf, okay, Adolf. I didn't hold it against him.
Chloe: I heard the divorce went through. What are you gonna do with your half of Lux?
Marcus: Very funny, Decker.
Amenadiel: I'm not gonna interfere with my mother enjoying a little bit of happiness. Please.
Mazikeen: Fine. It's not like I wanted to watch, anyway. Even I have my limits.
- This afterword could explain how to overcome my own form of writer's block.
- What?
- We need to find it.
- The killer. You mean we need to find the killer.
- Exactly. So they can hand over that book.
- N n
Chloe: We've have an injured groom and a deceased bride.
Lucifer: Oh, they got to that "till death do us part" nonsense quickly, didn't they?
Chloe: The bride suffered a gunshot wound to the chest.
Lucifer: Chest? Shooter didn't go for the head? First rule of zombie killing.
Chloe: We've been trying to find a connection between the two, and so far all we have is you.
Lucifer: Well, I wish I could help you.
Chloe: What, you didn't get details between the sweet nothings?
Lucifer: Quite a few, actually. But they were mostly about what he desired, which I doubt you want to hear.
Eve: You sure you don't want to invite your siblings?
Mazikeen: Yeah, no. You know, it's supposed to be "eat, drink and be merry." Not "eat, drink and be wary that a bunch of soulless, torture-savvy demons are gonna ruin your wedding."
[Sighs] Such an unfit parent for such a sweet little baby.
- I should have stolen her from you when I had the chance.
- My car is perfectly fine.
- I'm here about something else.
- Something... delicate.
- as much as I respect that,
- I need to talk to her.
- Well, her schedule is pretty packed.
- Uh, maybe next Saturday.
- Mmm.
- Unless, of course, you have a warrant.
- Yeah.
Lucifer: He's a spry one. Or she. No sign of her anywhere. I mean, him. This is head-spinning, isn't it?
- ooh, lovely moves.
- ♪ drown my woes in a lake of fire I try to look even more like a douche.
- Mission accomplished. she's here.
- Okay, great. Here we go.
Chloe: Hey. I've been looking for you everywhere. I tracked your phone's GPS.
Lucifer: Well, here I am.
Chloe: Well, we should wrap up the arrest report. And by that I mean paperwork, not some celebratory drink that you'll then turn into a moment.
Lucifer: Yes, Well... I've changed my mind about that, actually. I've realised it would never work out between us.
Chloe: Really?
Lucifer: Yes. So from now on, no more attempts at moments. I'd be honoured to simply continue working by your side. If you'll have me.
Chloe: Of course.
Lucifer: Good.
Chloe: Yeah. It's not like you to give up.
Lucifer: No, I haven't given up. I had an epiphany of sorts. You deserve someone worthy of you. And that isn't me.
Chloe: That's not what I've been saying, Lucifer.
Lucifer: I know. It's what I'm saying. You deserve someone better. Because you, Detective, are selfless to a nauseating degree. You always put your daughter first, even though the ungrateful urchin does nothing to contribute to the rent. So... You deserve someone worthy of that grace. Someone who knows that every crime scene breaks your heart, even though you'd never admit it. Someone who actually appreciates your impossibly boring middle name, "Jane". And more importantly, Detective, you deserve someone as good as you. Because, well, you're special and I'm... I'm not worth it.
Chloe: Yeah. You're probably right.
[kisses Lucifer]
Lucifer: Detective...?
[Chloe kisses him again]
- Well, he's not in the silver city now, is he?
- So excuse me while I go touch him.
- I can see how that's a poor choice of words.
- Just... hold the fort while I'm gone.
- Hold the...
- What?
Lucifer: You and Maze are like snow pants and elephants. You don't mix.
- You know, it's, uh... it's funny.
- I thought this moment would give me some catharsis.
- But instead, it's just made me realize one simple truth.
- That you'll never love us.
- Because you're incapable of love.
- And that's just sad... for all of us.
Linda: Let's start thinking about Rory, and how she's feeling.
Lucifer: Odd. That's what Maze said.
Linda: That is odd
- What about the kid?
- Well, that's never gonna happen, tahir.
- What about that bling around your neck?
- This bling is a gift from my father, tahir. It's priceless.
- That's good.
- That mean you will be highly motivated to come back with my money.
- But I want to know about you, though.
- Your abandonment issues.
- I wouldn't call them abandonment issues.
- They're not issues.
- I mean who cares if Lucifer left me, right?
- Chole left me. [Scoffs]
Ella: That is some bull to the crap, right there.
Dan: What the hell, man? SWAT?
Lucifer: Yes, well, this is when I normally get into a spot of danger, so I called in for backup like a responsible detective would.
Chloe: Wait.
Lucifer: You okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
Chloe: You sure?
Lucifer: Yeah, I'm fine.
- Detective!
- Detective!
- J'j'
Amenadiel: Oh, Luci. My hatred for you grows stronger with every visit.
Lucifer: Well, I wouldn't have it any other way, pal. I look forward to eating your heart one day.
Linda: Do you mean actual gates? Like big and pearly? Are we talking clouds? Harps? Old dudes in white robes?
Lucifer: And my Dad is Morgan Freeman? Focus, Doctor.
- to fix things.
- You can always be forgiven... that is in your hands.
- And, um...
- Well, for what it's worth,
- I will always be here for you.
Lucifer: Aren't you lucky to benefit from the experience your wife has gained with dozens, maybe hundreds of men? Firemen, barbers, sailors, carnival barkers...
Jack: Yeah, I get it.
Bobby: We never used that puppet. It was my imaginary friend's imaginary friend. The character didn't land.
Lucifer: I wonder why.
- Or is that, in itself, a test?
- Okay.
- How about a large mocha with extra whip?
- Sure. Sure.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Large americano for Charlotte.
- What the hell is wrong with you?!
- Why are you so surprised, detective?!
- I'm the devil, remember?
- I'm evil!
- No, what you are is off this case.
- You go home now. You're done.
- Go!
- lovely. j'j' sorry. same place ♪ excuse me.
Charlotte: I feel so good. It's like I'm floating. Although that might be the three gimlets I had at lunch.
Todd: She did tell me about the story itself. How it had a peaceful, grounded ending. No scandals, no insiders versus outcasts. Just... people finally understanding each other. The way she described it, it... it sounded beautiful.
Lucifer: And boring.
Mazikeen: [after Linda faints] Here. Drink.
Linda: Okay, that's gin.
Mazikeen: Yeah. Only top shelf for my girl.
- This is so good.
- Because I've finally figured out how you are my test.
- You see, father wants me to just...
- Just be there for you.
- To have your back.
- Now that you're evolving.
- Think this through, Dan.
- With you gone, uh, who's gonna protect Chloe?
- What do you want from me, Malcolm?
- Nothing much.
- You're gonna go into evidence and borrow something for me.
- Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Charlotte: I apologize for my human form, but... at least this one has supreme hindquarters.
Lucifer: You're lying.
Charlotte: No. They're quite sturdy, feel it.
Lucifer: I wasn't referring, nor will I ever refer, to your butt, Mother.
Lucifer: Star Trek? Please, Miss Lopez knows more about that stuff than you ever could.
Ella: [SPEAKING KLINGON]
Lucifer: See? She even speaks Chewbacca.
- Well, most of that time, I was naked, but true nonetheless.
- Luci, are you gonna help me or not?
- Hmm.
- Okay.
- But you have to follow me.
- J'j'
Chloe: I can tell you're worried... And that's actually really endearing... But Dan's there.
Lucifer: That's worse.
- You're right. To the challenge.
- Where might we find the kind of human woman that Lucifer would impregnate?
- Actually, I know exactly where to start.
- But, um, perhaps we should begin with a change of clothes.
Lucifer: I decided to get a jump on the case and take a few things off your plate. Which, I might add, is the opposite of Pierce, whose job it is to put things *on* your plate.
Linda: Don't you miss cocktails, grown-ups, actual conversation? Cocktails?
Amenadiel: I was just drinking with Maze, so I've had enough booze for the next several months.
Mazikeen: You ever do something awesome for somebody, and they just don't care?
Linda: I'm a therapist. Being taken for granted is in the job description.
[Pointly]
Linda: Like, for example, when a friend uses your lunch break for free therapy, and doesn't say thank you.
Mazikeen: [Not getting it] You want me to take care of this friend of yours?
Lucifer: A canine killer. Seems they can't trust you with a real homicide, Daniel.
Ella: Nope. The bitch is innocent.
- And all my children again in heaven.
- I want what your father took from me.
- I want my home back.
- But I know that's not possible.
- So I want to do what I can to be a good mother to you here, on earth.
- on your end of the bargain.
- If you're so concerned, why don't you just fly mum back to hell?
Amenadiel: Because I can't!
- What if dad decides to...
- Take back his side of the deal?
Azrael: I only ever get to talk to dead humans. I mean, they're so morose.
Amenadiel: I'm trying my best
Charlotte: That's what makes you perfect.
- I... no. That's what I thought.
[Inhales] You know, maze,
- I think you're looking for something... more...
- Than what this baby or I can be.
- I think you're looking for your own connection.
- For a partner.
Lucifer: Rest easy. I'm not a thief. Your valuables are untouched. Unless, of course, you consider your wife a "valuable". In that case, I've touched her several times. Twice this morning.
- This whole cemetery is surrounded by half a dozen cars.
- You know better than I that killing cops is going to take this to another level of bad.
- I never thought I'd hear it.
- "Lovefi the best reason one could have.
- Lucifer has my support.
- He is worthy.
- Who's with me?
- Not that I'm comparing the two.
- Fewer windmills up there.
- Right. Excuse us.
- Lucifer, you might be right.
- It might be someone in the family, after all.
- Of course it is. [Scoffs]
Azrael: [about Ella] Whenever I was in the neighborhood, I'd stop by, see how she was doing, and we became friends. But apparently, it's weird if people talk to invisible angels. So I told her I was a ghost, which didn't help.
- Is to go through it.
Amenadiel: So you think you've figured it out?
- Yes.
- And you're sure this time?
- Just...
- Let me do it, mum, please.
Chloe: Thank you very much, Dr. Martin. We'll be in touch. All right, we gotta go.
Lucifer: Yes, of course, but I... I made a deal, so I'm gonna have to hold up my end of the bargain. You wouldn't mind waiting outside?
Chloe: [sotto] Are you seriously talking about having sex with her right now?
Lucifer: Well, it won't take long.
Linda: I do yoga. Hot... yoga. I'm freakishly flexible. Want to see?
[demonstrating]
Linda: Wow! I really tried to keep that one in.
Lucifer: Well, you tried; that's what matters.
[Chloe gets up to leave]
Lucifer: Uh, look, I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check. I will be back, okay?
Linda: I certainly hope so.
Lucifer: My word is my bond.
- It's probably the best thing that ever happened to you.
- But right now I haven't got time to hold your hand, because I need to clear up your mess!
- My mess?
- Uriel's still out there.
- And the clock is up...
- Which means the detective is in grave danger.
Ella: I know, God works in mysterious ways, and bad things happen for a reason. But this many bad things...
[Exhales]
Ella: I just... I'm having a hard time finding any reason. Why would He do all this?
Lucifer: Well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't actually think it's my Father's fault.
Lucifer: [in Amercian accent] Detective Decker, step away from your vehicle. Put your hands in the air and walk towards me peacefully. If you do not - I repeat - if you do not, we will have no choice but to shoot you with our new bazooka. We've actually been waiting months and months to use it, so, on second thought, please, speed away.
Jeffrey: Yes, we were having an affair, but that's over. Broke off last week.
Lucifer: You didn't have to kill her to break up with her, did you?
Jeffrey: Of course not!
Lucifer: Oh.
[sighs in relief]
Amenadiel: If only you'd done what was asked of you, none of this would've happened, and I'd still be home where I belong!
Lucifer: Heaven? Really? You're sure that's still home, eh? After everything you've done?
Lucifer: People like to tell me things, those deep, dark, naughty little desires that are on their mind.
- I ran those dirty hippies out over a year ago. Ain't seen 'em since.
- Good riddance.
- If you've run out of questions,
- I'm busy.
- Well, actually, Billy Bob...
- No, you know, we will take one of these, and thank you so much for your time.
- to encourage young women to pursue careers in science, technology, engineering and mathematics.
- You're an inspiration, Ms. Lopez.
- And if there were more people like you, then...
- Well, the world would be afar better place.
- Lucifer!
Father: We might not always understand it, but God has a plan.
Lucifer: Yes. I know. But why does everybody always think it's a good plan?
- I mean, he pisses me off all the time, and there are so many things about him that...
- That I find hard to accept, but I just have to believe
- I can find a way, because...
- I'd rather have him in my life than not.
- Well, then, I think you know what you need to do.
Lucifer: The Devil gets burned by fire. Could this be any more ironic? Does my pain amuse you, Detective?
Chloe: A little bit.
Marcus: Why are you doing this?
Lucifer: How am I supposed to solve the mystery of how to kill you if I don't understand you first? Your strengths, your weaknesses, because everyone has a kryptonite, Lieutenant.
- we the misfits how you gonna react we insomniacs, we ain't get no sleep...
- We'll take one of everything.
- Making moves running through the streets a to z, follow my lead...
Lucifer: One, two, three, four, five.
U.S. Marshal Luke Reynolds: They won't talk to law enforcement.
Lucifer: Oh, you'd be surprised. I mean, after all, she has the Devil at her side.
Ella: Somebody wet his whistle with poison.
Lucifer: That blows.
- because you wouldn't understand.
- Not if you don't talk to me.
- Never mind.
- I thought we were past this.
- Going backwards, Lucifer, is not good.
- For anyone.
Ella: Pete takes my hand, he stares into my eyes...
Chloe: Mm-hmm.
Ella: And he says, "I love... meatloaf". And I mean, sure, meatloaf, absolutely delish, okay? But I don't think that's what he meant, Chloe. I think *I* am the meatloaf. Me.
- But it says here we already have a full confession from a perp who was on the scene.
- Daniel, are you overthinking this?
- Careful, it could ruin your life.
- Just follow me.
- Hmm?
- Much, much longer.
- This is your lucky day.
- It don't really seem like it.
- I'm gonna do something
- I haven't done in ages.
- For old time's sake.
- I am gonna solve your murder.
Lucifer: Honesty. The engineer of my demise.
Mazikeen: Maybe only an angel could love a soulless demon.
Mazikeen: So, you lost a 14-year-old kid.
[Points at Dan]
Mazikeen: And she stole your badge
[Points at Lucifer]
Mazikeen: And your car?
[laughs hysterically]
Dan: It's annoying, isn't it?
Lucifer: Well, it is when she does it.
Lucifer: I am never alone. I'm constantly surrounded by people. You know? I party whenever I desire. My bed never cold.
Linda: Lucifer, being alone and being lonely are two entirely different things.
Lucifer: Are they?
- No, I want to spare us all heartache and...
- I just feel like if we go on the trip and, you know, we pretend everything's fine, then we're just lying to her.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Tourettes: Pig farts! Crash and burn.
Lucifer: Oh, I see, you're one of those. Right.
- so I'm just gonna have to tell you.
- Detective...
- Chloe...
- I am the devil.
- No, you're not.
- Not to me.
Linda: The real truth is what?
Lucifer: There is something rotten inside of me. I find it near impossible to drown out the constant cacophony of voices whispering in my ear, telling me I am evil. I'm drowning, doctor! And I can't stop asking myself... why do I hate myself so much?
Dan: So anyway, bill-to-head ratio, that's the only surefire way to tell a downy from a hairy woodpecker.
Amenadiel: So anyway, bill-to-head ratio, that's the only surefire way to tell a downy from a hairy woodpecker.
Dan: Yeah, I never was, but that's the only book I could find down there.
Amenadiel: There are books in Hell? That's nice.
Dan: 'Book."'Singular. Field Guide to Birds of North America.
Amenadiel: Sounds like an interesting read, though.
Dan: Yeah, not so much after the ten-thousandth time.
- Diego and Dani Ramirez, LAPD.
- Need to ask you a few questions.
- LAPD! Open up!
- Come on, baby.
- Let me make you feel better.
- She's the perfect choice of host body, really.
- Young, beautiful, worshipped and adored by millions.
- You're making less sense than you normally do.
- That's because you still don't believe me!
- Just test my blood, detective.
- Then we can have a real conversation.
[first lines, the text that appears on screen]
On: In the beginning... The angel Lucifer was cast out of Heaven and condemned to rule Hell for all eternity. Until he decided to take a vacation... Los Angeles... Los Angeles 2016... Los Angeles 2016 A.D.
Lucifer: Maybe I should find out what makes Pierce vulnerable. Get inside his head.
[Maze holds up a weapon]
Lucifer: Not with the cranial saw. Well, not yet anyway.
Lucifer: Why do they blame me for all their little failings? As if I'd spent my days sitting on their shoulder, forcing them to commit acts they'd otherwise find repulsive. "Oh, the Devil made me do it ." I have never made any one of them do anything. Never.
- Something about this rivers case.
- She thinks that something weird might be going on with...
- With the lieutenant?
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh. How'd you know?
- 'Cause my bounty just said the same thing.
- River...
- Who cares about the details?
- I care about the details, Lucifer.
- But since you seem more concerned with getting the perfect revenge on Dan, why don't you just go do that?
- I'll get to the bottom of this on my own.
- Fantastic idea, detective.
- Divide and conquer. Yeah.
Mazikeen: I'm great at dismembering humans. How hard can it be to fix one?
- You know, besides taking your anger out on criminals?
- I don't know.
- I guess I just always tried to focus on something else.
- This is...
- Weird.
- N I can see the light of the neon truck stop sign... if thank you.
- All right, remember, just be me, Daniel.
- Uh...
- J'j' neon truck stop sign. J'j' hey, everybody.
Chloe: You and your guys, you aren't necessarily known for your kindness.
Brandon: Thank you.
Ella: You're making me look bad in front of the nuns.
Mazikeen: What's an expensive piece of art doing in a crappy house in Van Nuys?
Eve: Exactly what I'm wondering, Teach.
Mazikeen: Don't call me that.
Lucifer: What do you want from me?
Amenadiel: I've been watching you, Lucifer.
Lucifer: You perv.
Amenadiel: And I'm not sure I like what I see. You're showing restraint, mercy.
Lucifer: You're scared I'm turning my back on the dark side, bro?
Amenadiel: Lucifer, there is a balance here that we must maintain. I strongly suggest you do what I told you to do and go back to Hell.
Lucifer: Don't threaten me, Amenadiel. I mean, you don't want to start a war.
Amenadiel: I would love a war.
[Laughs] Wow, maze, you're getting married.
- I never thought we'd come here.
- Why? 'Cause you got kidnapped?
- That's exactly why.
- Enough of that.
- We have a suspect. Shall we?
- Oh, brother?
- About your problem... yeah.
- I think I might have just the remedy.
- I'll text you the info later.
- Words this time, please!
Chloe: Can you give us the access to your security footage?
Lalo: That's above my pay grade. You'd have to talk to the big man upstairs.
Lucifer: God?
Lalo: Uh, no. The company's owner.
- Well, maybe you don't need to take it back.
- Maybe, there's another way.
[Sighs] What other way?
- I think it's time for detective Decker to make a comeback.
- We still have one mystery left to solve.
- The murder of Lucifer morningstar.
- rum de de dum da dum dum dum da de da like a song on repeat hey, daddy.
- Now that's where you're mistaken, buddy boy.
- I am here to prove that I...
- Am nobody's daddy.
Mazikeen: I'm here for the truth.
Tío: You don't have to do this.
Mazikeen: No.
[Smiles]
Mazikeen: I *get* to do this.
- So the killer strapped Mike up then decided to go all Jackson pollock?
- I guess.
- Yeah, looks like an "a."
- That can't be random.
- I think it's a word.
- in her time of need, detective.
- I don't know what happened between you and your mother.
- And if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here for you.
- But listen to me.
- Doing what's best for your child...
- It doesn't always make 'em happy.
Amenadiel: Why are we here?
Lucifer: Well, two reasons, actually. Uh, boobs.
Amenadiel: [sighs] Why am I not surprised?
Lucifer: Back your mysterious ways already?
God: All part of My plan.
- You know what? This is so selfish.
- Yeah.
- And I don't know what, is he ghosting me?
Jed: What's up, everybody?
- This song goes out to a special lady.
- Cherry Jane, this one's for you.
Blindfolded: [Trying to hit piñata, falls into Lucifer] Whoops! It's so hard.
Lucifer: Yes, always, but why don't I help you with your stick first?
- see the atoms synchronize right before your eyes let's atomize
- Disassemble, pull apart take it from the start let's atomize...
Dan: The guy's perfect. He makes me feel so bad about myself, you know? And I kind of already do that enough on my own.
Amenadiel: What are you talking about? You're a great guy.
[Dan scoffs]
Amenadiel: Hey. Great cop, great dad. And your hair, it's so high.
- Has anyone seen Lucifer?
- ♪ when you put your black magic over me j'
- I nobody likes it when you're good... ♪
- Lucifer.
- I need to find Lucifer.
- Man. Thought I killed your ass.
- but I did once hear about a John Decker.
- And as I recall, he was sniffing somewhere he didn't belong.
- What do you mean?
- My father was a beat cop at a robbery gone wrong.
Ella: Charlotte Richards is the gorgeous lady you slept with, right?
Dan: How the hell did you know that?
Ella: Well, I saw a long, honey-blonde hair on your coat the other day. It was curlier than Chloe's. And then, I spotted a smudge of lipstick on your cuff... Burgundy shade. Bold, but not too sexy. Lawyer color.
Dan: [Stunned] Really?
Ella: No. I just saw your butt pucker when Chloe mentioned her name in the lab this morning.
Chloe: Babysitter Shelly might have to take you, okay?
Trixie: Oh, she already left.
Chloe: What? Why?
Trixie: I don't know. But when she went into Maze's room, she ran out screaming.
Lucifer: [to God] Like the Spanish like to say, Vaya Con... You.
Mazikeen: [about Dr. Martin] How about proof of all the good she's done? Like this guy. Lucifer Morningstar.
Lucifer: Oh, that's quite flattering.
Mazikeen: ...The worst patient anyone could ask for. He is a back-stabbing, selfish, narcissistic little devil. He's greedy...
Nigel: Is there a point to this?
Lucifer: Yes, I'm wondering the same thing.
- I only did that for the good of the case.
- Also, I ran out, but more importantly, did you text me to come here?
- I didn't recognize the number, so I assumed it was you.
- You didn't save my number?
- Pierce: It was me.
- Just to see if we've missed anything.
Chloe: Okay?
Ella: Sure.
- Okay. So... here we go.
- I got your text.
- What's so urgent?
- Uh... this way.
- Somewhere we can speak in private.
Ella: Mosquito numbers drop low enough, the whole ecosystem goes down like a triple-decker ice cream on a hot summer day.
- Yeah, it's what he said in the e-mail.
- I did? I...
- What? He was an awesome math tutor, and now he helps me with my taxes.
Lucifer: Detective.
- I think I'm the killer.
Lucifer: Hawaiian print? The eighth deadly sin.
- So, how is this gonna work?
- Is the killer gonna come through that door and shoot me again?
- 'Cause that hurt.
- Usually, yes, but me being the lord of hell does have its perks.
- Either way, we gotta find him.
- I'll put out a bolo.
- Okay.
- Mom: Please, hold on. Um...
- Again, I apologize that the children were late for school.
- And, yes, I understand that pants need to be worn every day, now.
Chloe: So how do we draw him out?
Lucifer: Easy. Arrest everyone in the club and pull their pants down. Tiniest weenie wins, for once.
- My god!
- Amenadiel!
Lucifer: And so there we were, the detective and I, standing in her kitchen, and... she made me... a sandwich.
[Looks at the doctor]
Lucifer: I believe this is the part where you tell me it's much more than just a sandwich. For example... maybe it was a gesture of intimacy. You know, the slices of bread representing, perhaps, the detective's trust?
[Thinks]
Lucifer: Or... was it a mistrustful sandwich? I... Doctor, please, what delicious message was she sending me?
Linda: What about Hitler?
Lucifer: The sandwich is Hitler?
Ella: [talking about sexting] That is some strong emoji game, there. Although it's really making me crave my mom's eggplant tacos.
- This isn't working! [Panting]
- This isn't working.
- Yeah, I don't... I don't think this is what I need.
- I wasn't talking about you.
- This isn't working for me.
Linda: I just thanked God for napkins.
Amenadiel: It was so much better than I would have done.
Linda: Of course we lied, Maze. Look at you. You have a tendency to overreact.
Mazikeen: I do not... overreact.
[Stabs table]
Charlotte: I'm preparing myself for damnation.
Amenadiel: In a three star hotel?
Charlotte: It's what I deserve.
Chloe: But I'm sure your father has a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Lucifer: I do, thank you. Maze was about to kill the first man, whom she used to scare the first woman away, so I had to go and nab some bride-soothing demons, aka, half the guest list.
Chloe: Maybe not perfectly normal, but...
- Good call, Rodney.
- Nice and easy.
- Oh.
- I just wanted one last meal.
- You want a bite?
- Aah! No, thank you, we're not doing carbs, are we?
Mazikeen: I know that you know... You know.
Chloe: Right. So you just hid in the dark and... waited for the creepiest moment ever to say something?
Mazikeen: Old habits, I guess.
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