Top 50 Quotes From Murray Slaughter

Lou: Ted, why are you always doing stuff like showing up in places where you weren't invited with a pint of sherbet?
Murray: Be fair Lou, the sherbet's a new touch.

Ted: [offended at having been insulted by Rhoda] Some people don't like the color green, I don't like the word 'dumb.' I don't know what it is about that word that rubs me the wrong way; I just don't like it.
Murray: It must be the same reason I don't like the word 'bald.'

Ted: I finally came up with my title. It's "A Piece of My Mind."
Murray: Well, if they can split the atom... ,

Lou: Lucky more people weren't hurt. Lucky that elephant didn't go after somebody else.
Murray: That's right. After all, you know how hard it is to stop after just one peanut.

Murray: [meeting Walter Cronkite] So nice to meet you. Really. Nice. Really.

[Everyone's stunned at Ted's sudden return to normalcy]
Murray: What happened?
Mary: Well, I guess this experience, this feeling must go away.
Lou: Yeah. I just remembered. The same thing happened in the war. During combat I never held life more dearly. But the feeling started to go away the minute the Germans stopped shooting at me. I never forgave them for that. I guess it always wears off.

Lou: [after a hilarious gaff on the news occurs because of Mary and Murray] All right, this has gone far enough! I've put up with it long enough! Two producers for one news show just doesn't work. We can only have one producer, that means we gotta work something out!
Murray: [chuckles] I know what's supposed to happen here. Sure, nice guy Murray is supposed to step down and make everything easy for everybody. Sure, I'm supposed to say 'hey, Lou, it's okay, I'll go back to being a news writer, don't worry about it!' Well, I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna make it easy for you, Lou!
Lou: I see.
[turns to Mary]
Mary: And I see, too. I know what 'don't make waves Mary' is supposed to do here. I'm supposed to say 'gosh Murr, if it's that important for ya I'll step down and you take the job'. Well, I'm not gonna do that. I didn't work as hard as I have for seven years to get here and then give it up!
Lou: [trying to flatter both of them, something he's done several times the entire episode] Hey. Listen. I've known a lot of co-producers in my time. and you two are the best. The very be...
Mary: Oh, will you knock it off!
Lou: All right, all right. I know what I'm supposed to do here, too. I'm supposed to do here, too. I'm supposed to size up the situation and then come up with a logical and fair solution. Well, I got news for you: there is none! As I see it, there are only two ways out: either Mary as sole producer and Murray goes back to being a news writer, or Murray as sole producer and Mary goes back to being associate producer. Either way, it's unfair! Murray gave up a chance to produce at WKR. Mary's done a wonderful job her at WJM. But I'm going to have to make an arbitrary choice as to how it's going to be. Okay?

[Mary is upset that Lou is going to expose the congressman]
Mary: Murray, I have never fought him on a story before, but I am going to fight him on this one. And what's more, I'm going to whip him!
Murray: [as Sue Ann walks into the newsroom] You're going to whip Lou Grant?
Sue: Ooh! Need any help?

Joe: [Murray is introducing Mary to people his father - and Mary's date - Doug knows. He is taking with Joe, whilst an elderly lady is standing next to Mary] Hey , did your dad get here
Murray: Yeah, he's over there. Oh, Joe, have you met Mary? Mary is dad's date for tonight.
[Mary extends her hand, but Joe bypasses Mary and walks up to the old lady]
Joe: Awww... hello, Mary
Murray: Mary, this is Helen Holloway
[Murray talks loud for the hard-of-hearing, Helen]
Murray: Helen, this is Mary Richards.
Aunt: [Mary and Helen shake hands] How do you do?
Mary: Nice to meet you.
Murray: Mary is dad's date for the evening.
Aunt: Oh, that's nice.
Murray: Helen and dad used to go together, too.
Aunt: Yes;,for about a year. But e had to break it up, because my parents didn't allege of me going out with an older man.
Mary: Yes, will it was very nice to meet you, Helen.
Aunt: It was nice to meet you
[Helen titters]
Aunt: jail-bait.

Murray: [trying to get Mary to reveal Lou's secret] Yeah, yeah, you promised Lou you wouldn't tell, but we tell each other everything that happens in that office. We always have, Mary and you're not going to stop now just because it's something really juicy.
Mary: Murr, I never said it was something really juicy.
Murray: Is it really juicy?
Mary: [emphatically] Is it ever!

Lou: [Surveying the mourners at Chuckles the Clown's funeral] Not much of a crowd is it.
Ted: No. If this were my funeral it'd be packed.
Murray: That's right Ted. Just a matter of giving the public what they want.

Murray: [Ted- and his agent, the adorable, old Bella Swann - are in Lou's office, and Murray brings in some hot tea for Ms Swann, and milk for Ted] If I'd known it was for you, Ted, I would have put some Bosco in it.

[Ted has been avoiding repaying Murrary]
Murray: Ted, do you have that fifty cents I loaned you last week?
Ted: Sure, Murray.
[Looks in his wallet]
Ted: Darn, do you have change for a $500?
Murray: Sure, Ted
[pulls a money bag from under his desk]
Ted: [stunned] Quarters?
Murray: [smiling gleefully] Nickels!

Sue: The point is, Mary, I don't enjoy being insulted. At least not on camera.
Murray: Sue Ann was insulted? What did they get you on, your personality, your morality, or your age?
Sue: [giggling with malice] If you really want an answer, I can write it down backwards on your head and you can read it in the mirror when you get home.

Ted: They asked me what my name was and what I did.
Murray: And what did you tell them?
Ted: I told them I was the best darn newsman in all of America.
Murray: You didn't.
Ted: I had to. I was under oath.

Ted: I did a report on unemployment. It's at an all-time high. Or was it low?
Murray: HIGH, Ted.
Ted: Hi, Murr!

Murray: I haven't seen Ted this angry since they cancelled My Mother the Car.

Mary: Guess who Sue Ann Nivens spent the night with?
Murray: Come on, Mary, I have to be home in an hour.

Gordy: [Mar's 'happy talk' revamping of the 6 O'Clock News is a disaster, as Ted s trying to be funny, and show he has 'personality'] And now, speaking for the management of WJM-TV, Mary Richards. And I'm sure after you see her, you'll understand why I say; 'Mary, I don't know what it is your for, or against, but, whatever it is, I'm with you.
Mary: [Smiling] Thank you, Gordy. We'd like to speak out tonight for population control . Between the years 1932 and 1978, the population of the world will have doubled.
Ted: [Interrupting Mary] that should do something for our ratings, hey, Mary?
Mary: [Nervously smiling] population experts agree that if growth continues at this rate, world population will reach 7 billion by the year 2000.
Ted: [Interrupting Mary, again] Hey, I think I'll go into the diaper business.
Mary: [Beginning to stutter] Which points to a disaster of global importance.
Ted: Oh come on, Mare, don't be such a gloomy Gus.
Mary: The management of WJM feels that television can play a critical role in the control the population growth...
Ted: [Interrupting Mary] We sure can. As long as they're watching the old tube, they can't make the population grow, can they?
Mary: Television has a responsibility...
Ted: Get it, Mare?
Mary: [Turning to Ted, off camera] Will you shut up, Ted?
[Ted - off-camera - looks at Mary with disbelief. Mary, turns to face the camera. We see her on a monitor - shocked at what she just said. Her mouth open, and eyes wide, she just stares straight ahead]
Lou: [Lou, who's been drinking while watching the broadcast with Murray] Murray, did I just hear right? Did I hear Mary tell Ted to shut up on the air?
Murray: [Drunk] Yeah.
Lou: [Smiles] Good.

Ted: Tonight, our critic-at-large turns his attention to the TV scene. Karl.
Murray: [Mary and Murray in the newsroom, watching on Murray's TV] Well, I wonder who Jack-The-Ripper will attack tonight.
Karl: I think it is only fair that we apply the same critical standards to television that we do to anything else.
Ted: Very sound thinking.
Karl: [Without looking at Ted] Thank you.I think our first task out to be to putter own house in order.
Ted: Call them the way you see them, Karl. Let the' chiperinos' fall where they may.
[Smiles]
Karl: What you're watching at this very moment is a classic example of what's wrong with television in this town.
[Though Ted's smiling at Karl, he has no clue what Karl meant]
Karl: It is the pursuit of personality at the expense of competence.
Ted: [All serious-faced] I'm not sure I understand.
Karl: [Not even looking at Ted] I'm sure you don't.
[Ted nervously looks off-camera]
Karl: Let's face I; WJM is the biggest offender in that regard. From the dowdy frumpy of The Happy Homemaker Show, to the bumbling, foot-in-the-mouth delivery of a certain anchorman
[Ted -utterly confused - slowly tuns his gaze off-camera to see if anyone knows what Karl's talking about]
Karl: And backing them up, right down the line
[Murray shakes his head, as Mary looks on in disbelief]
Karl: are dull writing, inept staging, and high school production methods.
[Murray looks mad, and Mary looks mad, as well]
Karl: Well, there you are; the emperor has no clothes
[Ted looks too see if he's wearing clothes, then again, looks off-camera, confused]
Karl: Tomorrow, we shall look at some other stations in town, and see if they fair any better. Meanwhile this is Karl Heller saying; let the viewer beware.
Mary: [Murray turns the TV off] 'High school production methods?'
Murray: 'Dull writing.' Buy, he didn't miss anybody, did he?
Lou: [Lou's door opens, and he slams his door, and walks to Murray] Murray; be a good guy, and go buy me a gun.
[Lou pulls out a wad of cash, and hands it to Murray]

Mary: [Mary walks into WJM - frazzled, from all of the suspicion's Ted's been causing - inferring he and Mary are dating] Alright! Okay, th-that's it, I've, I've got to say something. I-I d-don't know what I'm gonna say, but, I gotta say something.
Lou: What's wrong?
Mary: This whole crazy thing with Ted has just gotten out of hand. Now everybody in the building thinks I'm... 'easy-pickens'.
[Mary hangs up coat]
Murray: That's ridiculous, Mary!
Mary: [Mary walks towards her desk] Oh, really? Tony, at the newsstand, who for five years has been saying; " good morning, Miss Richards', today greeted me with; 'how's tricks, cookie?'And just now, Ollie, the elevator man - stopped the car between floors, leered at me, and said
[Mary makes a face]
Mary: ; 'he was out of gas'.
Lou: So, what's the big deal? Ollie has to be at least 85 years old.
Murray: No wonder he's out of gas.
Mary: Go ahead. Laugh. But to me, this happens to be very serious.
[Ted walked in from the studio]
Mary: I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I do, I can't help it, that's the way I am. I wash my hair before I go to the hairdresser. If somebody's stomach rumbles, I'm terrified people will think that it's mine. Once I went into a book store to buy a copy of 'Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask'. I was afraid to ask for the book. So you can see why it's very important to me to know that you all believe me about Ted. Even though I realise the more I stand here trying to get you to believe me, the less you do believe me.
Lou: Mary, we believe you.
Mary: [Mary, sitting at her desk on the verge of tears] How can you believe me, if I were listening to me talk like this, I wouldn't believe me?
Mary: Mary, you've got to calm down.
Mary: Well, I can't.
Lou: Mary, you want to come into my office?
Mary: No, Mr Grant, the Bernstein story won't do it.
[exasperated]
Mary: I never *did* understand it. Look, I'm really sorry. I just, I thought, maybe I could clear things up. I don't even know what I'm talking about any more, and I'm - I'm very sorry, so let's just forget it, and all go back to work.
Ted: Hold it. Everybody, stay where you are. Now, now here this; for the past couple of days, I've been saying things that made it sound like there's something between Mary and me. Well
[Ted, sighs]
Ted: I lied. In the first place, she didn't propose to me. And, in the second place, never offered to take me to Hawaii. And in the third place, there are no fingernail scratches down my back. They're all lies. I made them all up. To sum it all up; I am not now, nor have I ever been Mary Richards' lover.
[Lou, Murray, and Sue Ann all wander off, leaven ad Mary alone in the newsroom. Ted talks gently]
Ted: Okay, Mare?
Mary: I realise that was, um, very hard for you to do, Ted.
Ted: Well, no one's gonna mess around with my little sister
[Ted smiles]
Ted: and if anybody ever gives you trouble ,just come to yours truly, okay? And I mean anyone. Even me.
[Mary smiles., finally, and looks back at Ted]

Ted: [Everyone from WJM's newsroom is over at Mary's watching the Superbowl. The game's almost over] I'll just get ready Teddy. He hates it when I rhyme his name. Sometimes I say; 'steady, Teddy', 'how's your cousin Eddy, Teddy', but the one he hates the most is; 'have some spaghetti, Teddy'.
Murray: She only does that because she knows I can't get back at her. Nothing rhymes with 'Georgette'.
Al: You bet.

[Murray is interested in Sue Ann's job opening]
Sue: Are you saying you'd be interested in the job I was just offering Mary?
Murray: Well, I'm saying that if you can't get anybody, I wish you'd keep me in mind. Why don't you, uh, kick it around overnight?
Sue: I have other things I kick around overnight...

Ted: If Cronkite can do it, Baxter can do it!
Murray: And if Baxter can do it, a duck can do it!

Murray: [talking about Mary] Why shouldn't I love her? For over five years we've worked side by side, day after day. Haven't you ever felt it, Lou? Didn't you ever sit in the news room at the end of a long day, all hot and sweaty and rotten. And there's she was, all sweet and perfumed.
Murray: [Lou is starting to see his point and beginning to smile] And you suddenly had this tremendous urge to...
Lou: [snapping out of it] Stop right there, Murray! Don't you finish that sentence!

Lou: [Upon learning that he apparently injured Baxter when he literally threw the anchorman out of the studio] Ted, I'm so sorry.
Ted: It's not your fault, Lou. It happened after you threw me: I skidded into the cigarette machine.
Murray: Well, they told you it was hazardous to your health.

[Murray has returned to the newsroom, drunk]
Lou: What have you been drinking?
Murray: Pouilly-Fuissé.
Lou: [nods] Too bad.
Mary: What do you... mean? What? Why?
Lou: I've been a newsman for thirty years. I've sobered up guys who were drunk on everything from scotch to aftershave lotion. But never once in my life have I had to sober up anyone who was drunk on Pouilly-Fuissé. I don't know what to do! I don't know whether to give him black coffee or cheese!

Mary: All right, just forget what he was wearing. Suppose he hadn't been dressed as a peanut, would his death still be funny?
Murray: Could have been worse. He could have gone as Billy Banana and had a gorilla peel him to death!

Ted: Say, Murray, I just read this item I think we should use. It's about a man who went on TV to make a plea to send Turkeys to convicts.
Murray: For pets or for dinner?
Ted: I don't know! I think it was in "Ar-Kansas."
Murray: Yeah, I think they're doing the same thing in Arkansas too.
Ted: How do you like that! It's spreading from state to state!

Mary: Murray?
Murray: What?
Mary: What special are we doing?
Murray: It's called "Is Air Pollution Really So Bad?"
Mary: Tell me, what kind of a television station does a special favoring air pollution?
Murray: The one where the chairman of the board owns a smelting plant.

[Mary is reading the inscription Sue Ann has written in the copy she has given Mary of her new floral arranging book]
Mary: Ah. "To a shrinking violet who rosed to be a budding producer". Oh, Sue Ann, that's too cute for words.
Sue: I know. I tried to use a floral motif for each inscription.
[Murray starts to read what Sue Ann wrote in his copy]
Murray: "To a fine writer whose work I always admired". Why thanks, Sue Ann. But what's that got to do with flowers?
Sue: If you spread it on the ground, it helps them grow.

Murray: [Murray walks up to introduce himself, and Ted, to Professor Heller at the cocktail party] Professor, uh, I'm Murray Slaughter,
[shakes the professor's hand]
Murray: I've enjoyed your writing
Karl: Thank you, thank you. I'd rather you hadn't. What we enjoy, we forget. What irritates stays with us.
Murray: That reminds me; do you know Ted Baxter?

Murray: Can you imagine the insurance claim? Cause of death: a busted goober.

Murray: Ted, Rome is the Eternal City!
Ted: Since when?

Ted: I'm now going to reveal the name of that backstabber...
Murray: Isn't this the part where the lights go out and they find Ted dead on the floor?

Mary: What happened in there?
Lou: I just threw Ted out of the studio.
Murray: Threw him out? You mean you fired him?
Lou: No, I grabbed him and threw him through the door.
Mary: Mr. Grant! How could you do that?
Lou: I know, I feel terrible. With just the slightest change in trajectory I could thrown him out the window.

Sue: [Sue Ann walks in to the newsroom, dressed in a Christmas-themed outfit; red top, red skirt, accessorised with a sprig of mistletoe as a pin, and more mistletoe on the skirt] HI people
Mary: [Half-heartedly] Hi.
Sue: [Sue Ann walks towards Mary and Murray] Isn't it beautiful out there?
[Mary mumbles in agreement, as she and Murray get back to work, ignoring Sue Ann]
Sue: I mean - snow always inspires such awe in me.
[Sue Ann starts talking in a 'philosophical' tone]
Sue: Just consider one single, solitary snow-flake, alone.
[Sue Ann's standing by Mary's desk]
Sue: So delicate, so fragile, so ethereal
[Mary looks up at Sue Ann with a smile on her face]
Sue: And yet
[Sue Ann looks wistfully into space]
Sue: - let a billion of them, come together, through the majestic force of nature, they can screw-up a whole city.

Ted: Hey Murray. Murray; where's my money?
Murray: Uh, in my top left-hand drawer, Ted.
Ted: Is that camera left, or 'real' left?
Murray: Left, Ted.
Ted: It's not here, Murray.
Murray: What do you mean it's not there?
[growing concerned]
Murray: It's got to be there - I just put it there, before lunch!
[after Murray rummages though the drawer]
Murray: It's not there!
Ted: Somebody stole my money!
Mary: Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous. Oh, oh, I know what you're thinking, well, you're just wrong! Francine doesn't steal money from desks! She happens to be a shoplifter!

Mary: [Georgette's in labour in Mary's bedroom] Murray, couldn't you go in there? I mean after all, you've had children.
Murray: No, Marie had the children. Look, I couldn't even watch when we adopted one. You go in there, Mary.
Mary: No, Murray, a delivery room is no place for a woman!

Murray: I'm a movie buff, myself. I love to watch them on television.
Karl: That's where they belong
Murray: Come on, you must like some movies.
Karl: Well, it is best which seldom is. A film can be powerful. There was one absolutely first-rate Ukrainian film at the last festival. It was called; Blood On A Dog's Face. It was about deformity.
Murray: Oh, boy.
[Murray starts to look queasy]
Karl: But, somehow the subtitles missed all the whimsy.

Ted: I always like to think that our little newsroom was one big happy family. In my innocence, little did I suspect we'd be harboring a backstabber in our very bosom. I'm going to reveal the name of that person. The backstabber is...
Murray: Isn't this were the lights go off and Ted is found dead on the floor?

Murray: Are your knees shaking?
Lou: And I'm sweating behind the ears... What is it?
Murray: Maybe we're in love...

Lou: Put it on an idiot card for Ted.
Ted: Cue cards, Lou. I don't know why everyone insists on calling cue cards idiot cards.
Murray: We just have trouble thinking of you as a cue.

Ted: [Murray can't insult Ted in return for a speech to Murray's daughter's class] Morning, Mary. Well, I'd love to make idle chit chat with you two but I have to memorize my address.
Mary: Oh, good. Then maybe you can memorize your phone number.
Ted: You better not be laughing, Murray!
[walks away]
Murray: Thanks.
Mary: Well, listen, someone's gotta do it.

Murray: That guy's a pain in the neck.
Lou: I have an even lower opinion of him.

Murray: With councilmen, municipal judges and sewer bonds I vote the straight
[eeney-meeney-miney-]
Murray: moe ticket.

Ted: I can't wait for Father's Day. I'll have two fathers to send cards to. Of course, Walter's not really my father. Say, do you think they've got a Father's Day card for your mother's lover?
Murray: Well, if they don't, they're missing out on a sizable market.

Murray: You know something? I just figured out why we're having trouble convincing Mary that life in this newsroom isn't boring. It's because it is boring.
Lou: It is?
Murray: Yeah! I mean, I'm bored. What do I do all day?
[Gets up from his desk and points toward the teletype machine]
Murray: I go in there and I take the news out of that doohinkey.
[Points at his typewriter]
Murray: And then I rewrite it on this doohinkey.
[Points at the TV set next to his desk]
Murray: And then I turn on that doohinkey,
[points at Ted, who's pouring himself a cup of coffee]
Murray: and watch it come out of that doohinkey.

Ted: What if he doesn't like me?
Murray: Why shouldn't he like you? He doesn't know you.

Sue: Congratulations Murray. I just heard the good news, so I thought I'd bake a little cake for the two of you co-producers.
Mary: Aww, Sue Ann, that's just so... typical.
Murray: Isn't that a wedding cake?
Sue: Uh, yes. Well actually, it was supposed to be for my cameraman and his fiance, but they broke up.
Murray: That's too bad.
Sue: He got angry when she showed up at his stag party. In one of the films.