Top 150 Quotes From Mary Tyler Moore

Mary: [Georgette's in labour in Mary's bedroom] Murray, couldn't you go in there? I mean after all, you've had children.
Murray: No, Marie had the children. Look, I couldn't even watch when we adopted one. You go in there, Mary.
Mary: No, Murray, a delivery room is no place for a woman!

Mary: Murray, just the thought of physical violence. I just don't believe in it.
Murray: Yeah, but that's Lou's nature. He's a hawk, you're a dove, Ted's a cuckoo.

Lou: Do you forgive me?
Mary: No.
Lou: What would it take for you to forgive me?
Mary: You tell Sue Ann you lied, you tell her it was your idea, you tell her you're sorry, you tell me you're sorry, and you promise me you will never put me in a position like that again.
Lou: Ah, to hell with it.

Mary: Mr. Grant, I just can't thank you enough.
Lou: You may have a point there.

Mary: This is ridiculous, Mr. Grant, trying to make Charlene jealous!
Lou: Oh, you think so?
Mary: Yes, I do. It's asinine it's moronic. It's dumb. It's something Ted would do
Lou: There's no need to be insulting.

Mary: [Mary's looking at a rack of clothes in Shot Down, in Ecuador, Jr., insisting she'll find a *hip-looking* outfit to wear to Stephen's house party, Rhoda - thinking Mary's totally wrong about it all, tries - tactfully - to dissuade her best friend] I've got to find something to wear to the party Stephen's taking me to.
Rhoda: But I like the stuff in your *regular* places. Usually, *you* like the stuff in your regular places.
Mary: I'm having trouble finding my size.
Rhoda: Oh, Mary, this place doesn't use anything as mundane as *sizes*. These clothes are divided according to astrological signs. You, my dear, take a *bull*.

Mary: Celestine, can I get you something?
Celestine: Oh, no, thanks, I got these.
[Addresses Francine]
Celestine: Hey, you want some?
Francie: Sure, I love reds.
Mary: Uhhhhhhhhh...
Celestine: [Interreupting Mary's stammer] Oh, I'm sorry - would you like some?
Celestine: Listen, um, girls - what you do on your own is one thing, you know, but, when you're here, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put my foot down, I'm sorry, but, uh, I just don't go for that kind of thing.
Celestine: You don't go for... TicTac's?
Mary: Yeah, well, you know...
[Mary flips a Tic-Tac in the air, and catches it in her mouth]
Mary: .

Lou: [Lou's just arrived at Mary's, and hae just been introduced to Mrs Dudley. He's excused himself to talk privately with Mary in the kitchen] Hello, Mary.
Mary: Your drink, Mr Grant.
Lou: [Smiling and speaking in a facetious tone of voice] Thank you, Mary. To a long life, Mary.
Mary: Mr Grant, I am just... so sorry.
Lou: [Speaking in an insincere tone] Please, there is no need to apologise. It's not your fault. All I said to you was, 'get me a date'. I didn't specify what kind of a date.
[Smiling Insincerely]
Lou: How were you to know that I wanted somebody under 90?
Mary: Mr Grant, won't you please let me explain? You see, there are 2 'Mrs Dudley's'.
Lou: Mary, there are
[emphasis]
Lou: thousands of Mrs Dudleys. Why this Mrs Dudley?

Mary: Oh Rhoda, chocolate doesn't solve anything.
Rhoda: No Mare, cottage cheese solves nothing; chocolate can do it all!

[Mary is upset that Lou is going to expose the congressman]
Mary: Murray, I have never fought him on a story before, but I am going to fight him on this one. And what's more, I'm going to whip him!
Murray: [as Sue Ann walks into the newsroom] You're going to whip Lou Grant?
Sue: Ooh! Need any help?

[Mary confronts Lou in his office about the congressman's story]
Mary: Listen, Mr. Grant, after you left last night, I did a great deal of soul-searching, as I'm sure you did too.
Lou: "Soul-searching"? Mary, any man who calls Sue Ann Nivens at four o'clock in the morning isn't searching for soul!

Sue: What can I do for you?
Mary: Well gee, it's not really important, Sue Ann. I can come back another time.
Sue: Oh nonsense. I'll be done chewing out the crew in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

The: Is ths the entire faculty?
Mary: No, we're just the... department heads
[exasperated, turns to sit and says at Mr. Grant]
Mary: Who IS ths person? What are we DOING here?

Sue: Mary, do yourself a favor and sleep on it.
Mary: I don't have to. I really don't. My mind's already made up.
Sue: Are you sure? I mean, think what it would mean to do my show every week instead of working in that news room. No more deadline pressure.
Mary: I'm sure.
Sue: And no more puny little salary.
Mary: I'm really sure.
Sue: Mo more long hours.
Mary: No, really, positive.
Sue: No more Ted Baxter.
Mary: Okay, I'll sleep on it.

[an upset Ted has just learned how much money Sue Ann makes]
Ted: Mary, do you know what Sue Ann takes home every week?
Mary: Three sailors, a tree surgeon and the boy in the mailroom.

Sue: [Sue Ann walks in to the newsroom, dressed in a Christmas-themed outfit; red top, red skirt, accessorised with a sprig of mistletoe as a pin, and more mistletoe on the skirt] HI people
Mary: [Half-heartedly] Hi.
Sue: [Sue Ann walks towards Mary and Murray] Isn't it beautiful out there?
[Mary mumbles in agreement, as she and Murray get back to work, ignoring Sue Ann]
Sue: I mean - snow always inspires such awe in me.
[Sue Ann starts talking in a 'philosophical' tone]
Sue: Just consider one single, solitary snow-flake, alone.
[Sue Ann's standing by Mary's desk]
Sue: So delicate, so fragile, so ethereal
[Mary looks up at Sue Ann with a smile on her face]
Sue: And yet
[Sue Ann looks wistfully into space]
Sue: - let a billion of them, come together, through the majestic force of nature, they can screw-up a whole city.

Mary: And then at the end of the show, he'd turn his little back to the camera, bend over, on his bloomers were written, "The End".
Murray: Maybe they should bury him that way.

Phyllis: [First lines of series, entering the iconic apartment] Well, Mary, what do you think? Here it is.
Mary: Wow. Hey, it really is charming, isn't it?

Lou: This year, Murray's gonna win.
Mary: Oh, Mr. Grant, that is sensational. Murray's gonna win!
Lou: But remember: it's top secret.
Mary: That's right. I know. Oh, Mr. Grant, that's gonna be so hard to hide. I mean, when I know a secret, my whole face just lights up. He's gonna guess right away.
Lou: Mary, we don't want that, do we? Wipe that smile off your face.
Mary: How can I?
Lou: Think about death.
Mary: [Mary stops smiling, then smiles again, and shrugs] Hee, hee!
Lou: Think about pestilence; and plague; and war; and rot; and slime; and putrid glop!
Mary: All right, all right, I'm under control.
Mary: Yeah.

Rhoda: How can you gorge yourself and stay so skinny? I'm so hungry I can't stand it.
Mary: Why don't you eat something?
Rhoda: I can't. I've got to lose 10 lbs by 8:30.

[Mary is reading the inscription Sue Ann has written in the copy she has given Mary of her new floral arranging book]
Mary: Ah. "To a shrinking violet who rosed to be a budding producer". Oh, Sue Ann, that's too cute for words.
Sue: I know. I tried to use a floral motif for each inscription.
[Murray starts to read what Sue Ann wrote in his copy]
Murray: "To a fine writer whose work I always admired". Why thanks, Sue Ann. But what's that got to do with flowers?
Sue: If you spread it on the ground, it helps them grow.

Paula: [about her roommate] Hey listen, Mary. I know Sally Jo's been bugging you by coming over here all the time, so I think I oughtta tell ya something. With Sally Jo there's no use being subtle. When you don't want her around, you gotta do what I do. Say right to her face 'Sally Jo, you're driving me up the wall. Get out or I'll throw you out'.
Mary: You actually say that to her?
Paula: Sure. Why do you think she keeps coming over here all the time?

Lou: [In an attempt at trying to have Mr. Grant be friends with her father, Mary goes out to lunch with both men] I'd like a vodka martini. What do you want to drink, Mary?
Mary: Oh, gosh, I dunno. I got a lot of work to do this afternoon. If I have a drink, I won't be any good.
Lou: If I don't have a drink, I won't be any good.

Mary: Well, what's the cut-off point Mr. Grant? I mean, is... is there some number? You know, I'd really like to know. How many men is a woman allowed to have before she becomes *that* sort of woman?
Lou: Six.

Mary: If I know I can't have it, why look?
Rhoda: If I felt that way I'd never go to a Paul Newman movie.

Ted: Tonight, our critic-at-large turns his attention to the TV scene. Karl.
Murray: [Mary and Murray in the newsroom, watching on Murray's TV] Well, I wonder who Jack-The-Ripper will attack tonight.
Karl: I think it is only fair that we apply the same critical standards to television that we do to anything else.
Ted: Very sound thinking.
Karl: [Without looking at Ted] Thank you.I think our first task out to be to putter own house in order.
Ted: Call them the way you see them, Karl. Let the' chiperinos' fall where they may.
[Smiles]
Karl: What you're watching at this very moment is a classic example of what's wrong with television in this town.
[Though Ted's smiling at Karl, he has no clue what Karl meant]
Karl: It is the pursuit of personality at the expense of competence.
Ted: [All serious-faced] I'm not sure I understand.
Karl: [Not even looking at Ted] I'm sure you don't.
[Ted nervously looks off-camera]
Karl: Let's face I; WJM is the biggest offender in that regard. From the dowdy frumpy of The Happy Homemaker Show, to the bumbling, foot-in-the-mouth delivery of a certain anchorman
[Ted -utterly confused - slowly tuns his gaze off-camera to see if anyone knows what Karl's talking about]
Karl: And backing them up, right down the line
[Murray shakes his head, as Mary looks on in disbelief]
Karl: are dull writing, inept staging, and high school production methods.
[Murray looks mad, and Mary looks mad, as well]
Karl: Well, there you are; the emperor has no clothes
[Ted looks too see if he's wearing clothes, then again, looks off-camera, confused]
Karl: Tomorrow, we shall look at some other stations in town, and see if they fair any better. Meanwhile this is Karl Heller saying; let the viewer beware.
Mary: [Murray turns the TV off] 'High school production methods?'
Murray: 'Dull writing.' Buy, he didn't miss anybody, did he?
Lou: [Lou's door opens, and he slams his door, and walks to Murray] Murray; be a good guy, and go buy me a gun.
[Lou pulls out a wad of cash, and hands it to Murray]

Ted: Mary, I need your advice about something.
Mary: Yeah, sure, Ted.
Ted: Not that it's important, but... Do you think it sounds too risqué for an anchorman to say he sleeps in the raw?

Ted: Come on, Mary, if you were me, would you have any self-respect?
Mary: Gee, I wish you put it another way, Ted.

Mary: Well it's hard for me to say no.
Ted: Say, Mary...
Mary: NO!

Sue: Oh, Mary, I see you're off - have fun at that wedding, and kiss all the ushers for me!
Mary: Sue Ann, you don't kiss the ushers at a wedding!
Sue: Mary, dear, don't tell ME how to have fun at a wedding!

Mary: [Mary's on the phone with the Big Sister program] Hello, ths is Mary Richards, and I would like to talk to someone about getting a little sister... right, I think I should mention that I haven't had a whole lot of experience in this area, and I was sort of wondering if you had a girl who hasn't done uh... well, a girl, you know who hasn't been... listen; would you have a girl who's just sort of cranky?

Mary: [Mr Grant tells Mary that if she wants the unpleasant talk to stop, she had to say something, so her pushes Mary towards the assembled] E-Excuse me, everybody, could I please have your attention - everybody. 'erm, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Mary Richards, and I don't know what I'm doing in the middle of the living room about to tell of people I hardly know
Aunt: What did you say?
Mary: I said my name is, erm, Mary Richards, erm, for those of you who don't know me, and I don't know what I'm doing in the middle of the living room about to, erm, tell off... erm, people, erm... I don't know I happen to be Doug's date, tonight and if the difference in our ages shocks or bothers or bugs any of you
[Mary reaches for Doug's hand]
Mary: well then that's your problem, but it's not ours. We're gpnna keep going out, together, just as often as we like, and right now I think we'd like to leave. Doug, will you please take me to the home?

Mary: [to Ted] You're going to have a lawyer look over a simple lease?
Ted: An ounce of perversion is worth a pound of cure.

Lou: Who's the kid?
Mary: Oh. Well, that's kind of a long story.
Lou: How can it be a long story? I say 'Who's the kid', you say 'Sally Jones'. Who's the kid?
Mary: Bess.
Lou: That wasn't too long.

Mary: [accepting her Teddy Award] I usually look so much better than this.

Mary: To tell you the truth, Ted, we were a little surprised you decided to come... all by yourself.
Ted: I couldn't bring a date, I'm married!
Joe: No, I think what Mary meant is we thought you might prefer to stay home with Georgette.
Ted: Well I would, except she hates me to see her when she's sick. She thinks it makes her look, y'know, unattractive.
Mary: Aww, poor Georgette.
Ted: She's right!

Elka: What's with the big M?
Diane: It stands for murder.
Elka: Is that what you're in for?
Diane: No. It's what I've been thinking about ever since you started playing that harmonica.

Mary: Hey, Rhoda, do you know what I'm doing? I am changing my clothes at eight o'clock at night so that I can go to a club where I'm going to lie about being divorced so that I can perhaps in a few months' time end up in Paris speaking Spanish.

Sue: [Rhoda just lent Mary a chafing dish] Mary, you be sure to put something under that tonight. Once the alcohol in the burner on one of those ruined my table finish. I solved it with a mixture of mayonnaise and ordinary cigarette ashes.
Mary: That makes a good stain remover?
Rhoda: But a rotten dip.

Ted: Being with Georgette was like being with a different woman; we were equals! We ate dinner side by side in the kitchen, and afterwards she picked the movie we went to... For once everything wasn't left up to me! And I understand you're responsible.
Mary: Well, Ted , Georgette's a friend , and I just wanted to help out...
Ted: I just want you to know that as long as I live, I'll never forgive you!

Sue: Mary, dear - do you have any idea what happens when you let Veal Prince Orloff sit in an oven too long?
Mary: No, what?
Sue: He dies.

Lou: You got a lotta spunk.
Mary: Why thank you, Mr. Grant
Lou: I HATE spunk.

Lou: I'll kill him.
Mary: No Mr. Grant, don't make a scene.
Lou: I'll kill him quiet.

Lou: [at Mary's party] You see, Mary thinks that I'm...
Mary: Dinner's ready! Are you gonna keep this up all night?
Lou: Now Mary, of course not. You should know better than that. Fat people are jolly.

Lou: You see, Mary? Ted's writing is lousy - even worse than yours. But when you brought yours to me, I respected you enough to tell you the truth. Would you rather I had treated you like I treated Ted? Huh? Would you prefer that I patronize you like some idiot? Shower you with empty compliments? Huh? Pump up your ego like you were some empty-headed, bumbling, brainless boob? Is that what you want?
Mary: God, yes!

[Mary and Lou are hustling around the newsroom, upset that Murray has been out to lunch all afternoon]
Mary: Oh, well, I just don't believe it - 4:30 and Murray is still not back from lunch?
Lou: Doesn't he know that we have a show to get on the air?
Ted: You know, it's fascinating. Here in Minneapolis/St. Paul, it's 4:30 and we're hard at work. In New York, it's the cocktail hour, and the lights are beginning to twinkle on the Great White Way. And, in London, smartly dressed theater-goers are strolling down the Strand for a late supper at the Savoy. And in Tokyo, it's tomorrow. Actually tomorrow! Do you realize there are people alive here in Minneapolis who are already dead in Tokyo?

Sue: Mary, you've been in my bedroom before, haven't you?
Mary: [looking around in amazement] Oh, no! I would've remembered this!

Rhoda: [Mary, Lou and Rhoda all walk into Mary's apartment, after abruptly leaving a movie theatre, because, Mr. Grant saw his son-in-law at the film with another woman. Rhoda's the only one who doesn't know why they left, and why Lou's so mad] I'm not angry. What makes you think I'm angry?
Mary: Mr. Grant, do you think you might feel better if you- you know, talk about it, sort of get it off your chest?
Rhoda: Get what off his chest? Please - give me hint, you two. What does it sound like? What letter does it start with?
Lou: [Walks towards Rhoda] It starts with 'I'. I... saw... my... son-in-law at the movies tonight
Rhoda: [Lou's standing almost eyeball-to-eyeball with Rhoda] You saw your son-in-law in the movies tonight?
Lou: Yeah.
Rhoda: Your son-in-law?
Lou: Hmmm
Rhoda: [Realising she understands] Oh.
[Realising the guy they introduced her to was the son-in-law]
Rhoda: Oh!
[Realising the guy was with another woman, who wasn't Lou's daughter, i.e., his wife]
Rhoda: Ooooh!

Mary: [meeting two neighbours for the first time] What do you do?
Paula: We're nurses.
Mary: Nurses. Gee, I always wondered about a nurses life. I mean, you work with sick people all day long, and yet you're always so cheery and bright. How do you do that?
Paula: [cynically] You really gotta love it.

Dr. Frasier Crane: [a delirious and drug-overdosed Frasier has returned to the station] Hello, Seattle, I'm back! This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I promise I will never leave you again. So, let's take our first caller. Hello, I'm listening.
Robert: Hi, Dr. Crane. Thanks for taking my call. I'm a little nervous, okay? My name is Robert.
Dr. Frasier Crane: And your name is...?
Robert: My name is Robert.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, I'm sorry. We've already had a Robert on the show today. Goodbye!
[disconnects him]
Roz: [on the office phone] Tony, it's Roz. Could you get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [takes another call] Who is this?
Janice: I'm Janice.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, Janice, what's your problem?
Janice: Well, I'm having a problem breaking through a barrier with my in-laws.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Boring!
[disconnects her]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello! You're on the crane with Frasier Air!
Marjorie: Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Marjorie. You see, I'm... I'm having a problem with my boss. He doesn't seem to respect me, and I don't have the courage to confront him.
Dr. Frasier Crane: OK, OK, Marjorie. Well, let's, let's see... Let's do a little role-playing, OK? Look, I'll be your boss, you be yourself, you be Marjorie... and uh - come on in and talk to me in a very forceful way. Tell me what you think, and you just might be surprised by what happens!
Marjorie: Well, OK. "Listen, Mr. Ross. I've worked for this company for six years and I've never missed a day. But you've constantly promoted people less qualified than I am and I don't think that's fair."
Dr. Frasier Crane: "Well, Marjorie, I must say I admire your forthrightness and uh... I wished more of my employees came and spoke to me with an open mind. You know, you're going to get that promotion!"
Marjorie: Hey, that was great!
Dr. Frasier Crane: [excited] Yeah! Wasn't it? Wasn't it? OK, it's my turn! I'm Marjorie and you're the boss now! Come on! Come on...
[Niles and security arrive and hustle him out]

Mary: Rhoda. Rhoda *Fay*. It doesn't matter what the letter says. The important thing is that you don't send the letter at all.

Lou: Mary, I don't want you to take this wrong, but you're a jerk.
Mary: How could I possibly take that wrong?

Mary: Oh Ted, won't you try to understand. There will be other parties.
Ted: I'll give you $20.

Lou: Look, have you tried being brutal?
Mary: No, Mr. Grant, I'm not the brutal type.
Lou: Well, you know, sometimes when I want to frighten Ted, I give him a look like this... see? Really scares him! Maybe you could try that.
Mary: No, Mr. Grant, it won't work for me. It works for you because there's something about you that... scares people.
Lou: Thank you.

Mary: [eating dinner] This is delicious, Georgette. I love it.
Georgette: Thank you, Mary.
Ted: [stuffing his face] I love it, too, Georgette. And I love you. Will you marry me?
Mary: Ted, you just proposed through a mouthful of creamed onions!

Mary: I've been around, well - alright, I might not have been around, but, I've been nearby.

Mary: [Murray's upset, - he's threatened to quit, and asks if he's 'allowed' to get some coffee. Mary tries to get Murray to stop acting like this. She walks up behind him with a smile] Mur-ray... Murray!
[Murray ignored he, and walks towards his desk. Mary bounces behind him - smiling]
Mary: Murray? Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray, Murray! Mu-u-u-u-r-rrr!
[Mary nudges his arm]
Lou: Somehow I don't think you're swaying him with your logic.

Mary: [In Mr. Grant's office, right after Mr. Grant lectured Francine about returning an item she'd just stolen] Well, how hard could it be to do something like that, right? Just, walk in, and say 'I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I don't need this, I don't want this, please take it back.'
Lou: Good Mary. Now just remember that, when you take back the helicopter.

Ted: Say, Mair, here's another one of my isometrics.
Mary: Ah, yeah I've tried that one.
Ted: Helps develop the chest.
Mary: Not always.

[Mary and Lou are discussing the evening's lineup]
Mary: And we managed to get an on-the-spot report of the raid of that porno theater downtown, which we can use in the news tonight.
Lou: Terrific! How did you do that?
Mary: Luck. Some of our crew just happened to be in the theater at the time.

Mary: Tell him to stand up to Sue Ann, not to let her push him around.
Lou: Why don't you tell him?
Mary: Because I think he should hear it from someone stronger, someone forceful, tough.
Lou: Why don't you get Sue Ann to tell him?

Mary: [meeting Walter Cronkite] So nice to meet you. Really. Nice. Nice. Really.

Rhoda: Eat some candy.
Mary: Rhoda, chocolate solves nothing.
Rhoda: No no, cottage cheese solves nothing. Chocolate can do it all.

Rhoda: Mary, I thought you knew. Your parties are, uh, disasters. I mean, I thought you knew. How could you not know that?
Mary: Yes, I know. Okay. I know. I knew. I just didn't know that anyone else knew.

Lou: You know, Mary, you've got spunk.
Mary: Why, thank you, Mr. Grant.
Lou: I hate spunk.

Joe: [Murray is introducing Mary to people his father - and Mary's date - Doug knows. He is taking with Joe, whilst an elderly lady is standing next to Mary] Hey , did your dad get here
Murray: Yeah, he's over there. Oh, Joe, have you met Mary? Mary is dad's date for tonight.
[Mary extends her hand, but Joe bypasses Mary and walks up to the old lady]
Joe: Awww... hello, Mary
Murray: Mary, this is Helen Holloway
[Murray talks loud for the hard-of-hearing, Helen]
Murray: Helen, this is Mary Richards.
Aunt: [Mary and Helen shake hands] How do you do?
Mary: Nice to meet you.
Murray: Mary is dad's date for the evening.
Aunt: Oh, that's nice.
Murray: Helen and dad used to go together, too.
Aunt: Yes;,for about a year. But e had to break it up, because my parents didn't allege of me going out with an older man.
Mary: Yes, will it was very nice to meet you, Helen.
Aunt: It was nice to meet you
[Helen titters]
Aunt: jail-bait.

Mary: Mr. Grant! Will you LOOK at what you are doing?

Lou: Sure, if she can get a date, I can get a date.
Mary: Of course you can.
Lou: Mary, get me a date.

Mary: [Mary decides on what to drink] Well, I'll have a Bloody Mary... but, without the vodka.
Lou: [Lou turns to the waitress, Rayette] You know the vodka your leaving out of her drink?
Waitress: Yeah?
Lou: Put it in mine.

Ted: Hey, it just occurred to me, the fact that my mother's living in sin - does that make me a...
Mary: No, Ted, *that* doesn't make you one.
Ted: [sighs in relief]
Murray: [Smiles at Ted] But we'll always think of you as one anyway.
Ted: [Smiles sheepishly as he exits the newsroom] Thanks, Mur!

Mary: A woman doesn't have to have a baby if she doesn't want to.
Lou: Well, I say a man's entitled to have a baby if he wants to.
Mary: [Chuckles] Well, Mr. Grant, on behalf of women everywhere let me say we'd sure like to be there when he has it.
Ted: She got you there, Lou.

Ted: [Ted's a mess, having het his father for the first time in 40 years, so he and Georgette go to Mary's] My own father, Mary. All he did was talk about his laundromat. Mary; Ted Baxter's father owns a laundromat.
Mary: Ted, there is nothing wrong with owning a laundromat.
Georgette: Of course not, and besides, nobody'll know, unless he calls it; 'Ted Baxter's Father's Laundromat'.

Mary: [At lunch,Mary's trying to cheer Lou up, so she tells him a story, how she used to cheer her high-school football team at Roseburg High] ... and then, the next year...
Lou: You stated betting and you lost your shirt?
Mary: No, i became a pom-pom girl.
[Mary pauses]
Lou: Why are you stopping?
Mary: Well, I just thought you just might want to make a sarcastic remark about my having been a pom-pom girl.
Lou: No Mary, I'm surprised when your stories aren't about y
Mary: Okay, now I can go on: well, the thing is, Mr Grant; I used to it there on the field with these two big yellow pom-poms...
Lou: Hey wait a minute I have a question ; do you call one of them a 'pom', and the 2 of them 'pom-poms'?
Mary: No, one is a pom-pom pom.
Lou: Then why aren't the 2 of them 'pom-pom-pom-poms'?
Mary: Well, now the whole point of my story is going to be lost...

Mary: [Mary walks into WJM - frazzled, from all of the suspicion's Ted's been causing - inferring he and Mary are dating] Alright! Okay, th-that's it, I've, I've got to say something. I-I d-don't know what I'm gonna say, but, I gotta say something.
Lou: What's wrong?
Mary: This whole crazy thing with Ted has just gotten out of hand. Now everybody in the building thinks I'm... 'easy-pickens'.
[Mary hangs up coat]
Murray: That's ridiculous, Mary!
Mary: [Mary walks towards her desk] Oh, really? Tony, at the newsstand, who for five years has been saying; " good morning, Miss Richards', today greeted me with; 'how's tricks, cookie?'And just now, Ollie, the elevator man - stopped the car between floors, leered at me, and said
[Mary makes a face]
Mary: ; 'he was out of gas'.
Lou: So, what's the big deal? Ollie has to be at least 85 years old.
Murray: No wonder he's out of gas.
Mary: Go ahead. Laugh. But to me, this happens to be very serious.
[Ted walked in from the studio]
Mary: I know I shouldn't care what people think, but I do, I can't help it, that's the way I am. I wash my hair before I go to the hairdresser. If somebody's stomach rumbles, I'm terrified people will think that it's mine. Once I went into a book store to buy a copy of 'Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask'. I was afraid to ask for the book. So you can see why it's very important to me to know that you all believe me about Ted. Even though I realise the more I stand here trying to get you to believe me, the less you do believe me.
Lou: Mary, we believe you.
Mary: [Mary, sitting at her desk on the verge of tears] How can you believe me, if I were listening to me talk like this, I wouldn't believe me?
Mary: Mary, you've got to calm down.
Mary: Well, I can't.
Lou: Mary, you want to come into my office?
Mary: No, Mr Grant, the Bernstein story won't do it.
[exasperated]
Mary: I never *did* understand it. Look, I'm really sorry. I just, I thought, maybe I could clear things up. I don't even know what I'm talking about any more, and I'm - I'm very sorry, so let's just forget it, and all go back to work.
Ted: Hold it. Everybody, stay where you are. Now, now here this; for the past couple of days, I've been saying things that made it sound like there's something between Mary and me. Well
[Ted, sighs]
Ted: I lied. In the first place, she didn't propose to me. And, in the second place, never offered to take me to Hawaii. And in the third place, there are no fingernail scratches down my back. They're all lies. I made them all up. To sum it all up; I am not now, nor have I ever been Mary Richards' lover.
[Lou, Murray, and Sue Ann all wander off, leaven ad Mary alone in the newsroom. Ted talks gently]
Ted: Okay, Mare?
Mary: I realise that was, um, very hard for you to do, Ted.
Ted: Well, no one's gonna mess around with my little sister
[Ted smiles]
Ted: and if anybody ever gives you trouble ,just come to yours truly, okay? And I mean anyone. Even me.
[Mary smiles., finally, and looks back at Ted]

Lou: [Lou's taken aback, as he's just been introduced to his old girlfriend, Chrarlene, and her new - and young - boyfriend, who's a figure skater] Gee, I've never met a figure skater before. This is really exciting. You guys make such a valuable contribution to society. Why, just this morning, I was asking myself; 'how come they've never given a Nobel Proze to a figure skater before?'
Mary: [Nervously butting-n to try and stop Lou from saying any more] Uh, Mr. Grant, would you like to freshen your drink?
[Mary grabs Lou's elbow, and attempts to steer him towards the kitchen, but, he doesn't move]
Lou: [Without even looking at Mary] No.
Mary: Kenny, can I get you something?
Lou: Why don't you get some ice, for Kenny to twirl around on?

Phyllis: [Mary's talking to Rhoda, who's about to leave her apartment. As Rhoda opens the door, Phyllis walks in - looks at Rhoda, then goes straight to Mary] Yoo-hoo, Mary, I'm glad I caught you alone. Are you busy?
Mary: Well, Phyl, as a matter of fact, I...
Phyllis: [Cuts Mary off, mid-sentence] Good. Rhoda, close the door
Rhoda: Oh, yeah
[with that, Rhoda closes the door - with Rhoda still inside the apartment]
Phyllis: [Phyllis, next to Mary, twiddled her fingers, and in her 'serious' tone, speaks] Bess... is outside - wit his her young man., and they're going to the school dance, and she's so proud of him, I just know how much she'd like you to meet him...
Mary: Oh, sure , I'd love to meet him...
Phyllis: [Phyllis starts towards Mary's front door, then stops, and turns back] Oh, and, um, Mary; when I bring them in, um, don't make a big tsimmes over them. Don't treat them like children. They're not children., you know. They're little people.
Rhoda: [With a smirky-smile on her face] I would love to meet your 'little people'. Why don't you slide them under the door ?

Ted: Mary, I didn't get a chance to thank you. You saved my life by pressing your lips to mine.
Mary: Ted, it was nothing.
Ted: What'd you expect? I was sick.

Mary: [Mary and Rhoda are sharing dinner at Mary's, discussing the possibility of WJM's strike, which Rhoda says is almost definite. Mary - being management - is upset; she'll have to cross the picket line] Go ahead, Rhoda, make jokes, but when I have to cross that picket line, believe me, it's not gonna be any fun.
Rhoda: Hey, look, Mary, I'm sorry. I know it isn't funny to you, and it's not gonna be pleasant what you gotta do. But, life isn't easy... when you're a dirty, rotten scab.

Phyllis: For the past two years I've been teaching a course, showing mothers how to relate to their children.
Mary: Phyllis, isn't that a ceramics course you teach?
Phyllis: They *think* it's a ceramics class.

Lou: [after a hilarious gaff on the news occurs because of Mary and Murray] All right, this has gone far enough! I've put up with it long enough! Two producers for one news show just doesn't work. We can only have one producer, that means we gotta work something out!
Murray: [chuckles] I know what's supposed to happen here. Sure, nice guy Murray is supposed to step down and make everything easy for everybody. Sure, I'm supposed to say 'hey, Lou, it's okay, I'll go back to being a news writer, don't worry about it!' Well, I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna make it easy for you, Lou!
Lou: I see.
[turns to Mary]
Mary: And I see, too. I know what 'don't make waves Mary' is supposed to do here. I'm supposed to say 'gosh Murr, if it's that important for ya I'll step down and you take the job'. Well, I'm not gonna do that. I didn't work as hard as I have for seven years to get here and then give it up!
Lou: [trying to flatter both of them, something he's done several times the entire episode] Hey. Listen. I've known a lot of co-producers in my time. and you two are the best. The very be...
Mary: Oh, will you knock it off!
Lou: All right, all right. I know what I'm supposed to do here, too. I'm supposed to do here, too. I'm supposed to size up the situation and then come up with a logical and fair solution. Well, I got news for you: there is none! As I see it, there are only two ways out: either Mary as sole producer and Murray goes back to being a news writer, or Murray as sole producer and Mary goes back to being associate producer. Either way, it's unfair! Murray gave up a chance to produce at WKR. Mary's done a wonderful job her at WJM. But I'm going to have to make an arbitrary choice as to how it's going to be. Okay?

Lou: Mary, I want you to reveal your source.
Mary: Okay, you look me in the eye and say that.
Lou: [Lou turns to face Mary] Mary, I want you to reveal your source.
Mary: You're looking me in the nose.

Mary: Guess who Sue Ann Nivens spent the night with?
Murray: Come on, Mary, I have to be home in an hour.

Lou: You know what, you've got spunk!
Mary: Well, yes...
Lou: I *hate* spunk!

[Mary has answered the phone and refuses to believe that she is really speaking to Betty Ford]
Mary: [sarcastically] Hi, Betty. This is Mary... Queen of Scots.

Sue: [Feeling sorry for herself] Nobody misses a vain, selfish, egotistical, middle-aged shrew.
Mary: Of course we do.

William: [Mary's young admirer - and Bess' 'young man', William - has shown up at. Mary's, and starts to ask her questions] Tell me, Mary; why haven't you ever gotten married?
Mary: Uh, just never met the right guy, I guess.
[Mary laughs a nervous laugh]
William: But, you have lived with somebody, before, though.
[with a smile on his face]
Mary: [Nervously] I-I-ice cream.
William: What?
Mary: Ice cream! That's what we need, is some ice cream.
[Mary quickly jumps up from the chair]
Mary: I haven put had any desert, and I bet I bet you haven't had your desert, either, right? So, why don't I just go down to the store
[Mary grabs her coat, with William following her]
Mary: , and get some ice cream, and I'll have Bess come up here, and then we'll all have some ice cream!
[Mary runs out the door, and yells]
Mary: Bess!

Mary: He respects you as a mature adult.
Ted: Then why won't he let me go to the circus?

Mary: [introducing Rhoda to her short date, Eric Matthews] Eric, I'd like you to meet my friend, Rhoda Morgenstern; Rhoda, this is Eric Shrimp.

Ted: [Murray can't insult Ted in return for a speech to Murray's daughter's class] Morning, Mary. Well, I'd love to make idle chit chat with you two but I have to memorize my address.
Mary: Oh, good. Then maybe you can memorize your phone number.
Ted: You better not be laughing, Murray!
[walks away]
Murray: Thanks.
Mary: Well, listen, someone's gotta do it.

Mary: [to Ted Baxter] Mr. Grant asked me to remind you it's Richard Milhous Nixon, not mill horse.

Mary: I'm an experienced woman. I've been around... Well, all right, I might not've been around, but I've been... nearby.

Mary: [Mary and Rhoda walk into Shot Down In Ecuador, Jr, The * hip* clothing store Mary thinks she'll find an outfit to wear to Stephens party Mary starts looking at stuff on a rack, and pulls a top down to look at] Hey, this is kind it's cute, don't you think?
Rhoda: Marry, I hate this store. I mean, it's trying too hard. I like a store that's happy to just lie there, and rip me off.

Ted: Hey Murray. Murray; where's my money?
Murray: Uh, in my top left-hand drawer, Ted.
Ted: Is that camera left, or 'real' left?
Murray: Left, Ted.
Ted: It's not here, Murray.
Murray: What do you mean it's not there?
[growing concerned]
Murray: It's got to be there - I just put it there, before lunch!
[after Murray rummages though the drawer]
Murray: It's not there!
Ted: Somebody stole my money!
Mary: Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous. Oh, oh, I know what you're thinking, well, you're just wrong! Francine doesn't steal money from desks! She happens to be a shoplifter!

Mamie: Someone's at our table.
Diane: Hello, GLOBs!
Elka: Looks like she made it after all.

Mary: Do you have any preference about what you want to wear, Georgette?
Georgette: Well, I always dreamed of being married in something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. But what the hell, we're in a hurry

Mary: Did you crash the men's room?
Sue: Of course not. I went as somebody's guest.

Mary: What happened in there?
Lou: I just threw Ted out of the studio.
Murray: Threw him out? You mean you fired him?
Lou: No, I grabbed him and threw him through the door.
Mary: Mr. Grant! How could you do that?
Lou: I know, I feel terrible. With just the slightest change in trajectory I could thrown him out the window.

Mary: [Now that Mary and Mr. Grant have ordered drinks, Mary asks her father what he'd like] Daddy, what about you?
Walter: I'll uh, I'll pass.
Mary: You sure?
Waitress: Yeah, be sure, because I hate making 2 trips.
Walter: Nothing, thank you.
Mary: Daddy, you used to have a drink, every now and then.
Walter: That was before all the evidence was in about what it does to you
[Mr. Grant, who's been quietly eating peanuts, perks up when he hears this, and glares at Mary's dad]
Walter: You know, most people think alcohol is a relaxant. It's actually a depressant.
Lou: [With a mouthful of peanuts] I enjoy getting a little depressed, now and then.
[Swallows his peanuts]
Lou: As a matter of fact, once in a while, I like to get stinking gloomy.
[Lou starts laughing at his own comment]

[Murray has returned to the newsroom, drunk]
Lou: What have you been drinking?
Murray: Pouilly-Fuissé.
Lou: [nods] Too bad.
Mary: What do you... mean? What? Why?
Lou: I've been a newsman for thirty years. I've sobered up guys who were drunk on everything from scotch to aftershave lotion. But never once in my life have I had to sober up anyone who was drunk on Pouilly-Fuissé. I don't know what to do! I don't know whether to give him black coffee or cheese!

Lou: Look, Miss, I was just about to have a drink, and I wouldn't mind some company. Want one?
Mary: Oh, no thank you.
Lou: I said I wouldn't mind some company.
Mary: Well, all right, I'll... I'll have a Brandy Alexander.

Rhoda: [as Mary's been getting ready to go out, Rhoda - who stopped by to borrow an iron - is talking to her. Finally, Rhoda is leaving] Thank you.
[Rhoda waves the iron]
Mary: [Puzzled] Hey, I thought you had an iron?
Rhoda: Yeah, I do, but you need 2 of them for a grilled cheese sandwich

Mary: Mr Grant, I am taking a bath. Naked!
Lou: Naked?
Mary: Yes. Many people bathe that way.

Mary: [At Mel's office party or, his snooty friend, Professor Karl Heller, Mary walks up to Karl as he's chatting with Sue Ann - who's circling Karl like a bumble bee - about theatre] I just love the theatre. I just saw a revival of My Fair Lady. What a perfect show
[she says effusively]
Mary: .
Karl: Well, I personally have nothing against derivative schmaltz
Mary: [Mary, nervously replies] Granted, it did have it's flaws...
Karl: [Begins replying w/out letting Mary finish, and doesn't even look in Mary's direction] But, I don't see how a marriage of second-rate Shaw, and third-rate operetta can produce anything but drivel.
[Looks at Mary]
Mary: [Avoiding eye contact] Not , not a great show, by any means, but, uh
[looks at Karl]
Mary: the 'costumes
[said with enthusiasm]
Karl: [Looking away from Mary] Hollow pomp. Draped in fruity decadence.
[Looks at Mary]
Mary: Check! I think, I'm, uh, I just get another... drink
[Mary smiles, and walks away]

[during Mary's job interview]
Lou: What religion are you?
Mary: Mr. Grant, I don't quite know how to say this, but you're not allowed to ask that when someone's applying for a job. It's against the law.
Lou: Wanna call a cop?
Mary: No.
Lou: Good. Would you think I was violating your civil rights if I asked if you're married?
Mary: Presbyterian.

Elka: So, what are you in for, kid?
Diane: Drunk and disorderly, or as I like to call it, Tuesday.

Mary: Suppose tomorrow's headlines were to read, "WJM Anchorman Jailed in Broadcast Swindle". What would you feelings be then?
Lou: Mixed.

Mary: Sue Ann just doesn't seem the type. You know, she seems more like the kind of woman you leave for someone else.

Ted: [Ted's sitting next to Professor Karl Heller, who's about to do his first critique on the 6 O'Clock News] And now, the distinguished professor, Karl Heller. Karl; what are you going to criticise tonight?
Karl: When I accepted the job as 'cultural watchdog,' to this metropolis, my immediate question was; 'what sort of people live here?' At first glance, this town might appear to be an enclave of be-knighted yahoos...
Ted: Well, I couldn't agree more...
[Ted smiles, vacuously, then gets serious-looking]
Ted: ... unless, of course that's bad.
Karl: I wondered; are their cultural pretensions as vacant as their smiles? Is this really the heart, of what Mencken called the 'booboisie'?
Lou: [Watching with Murray and Mary in the newsroom] He just called our entire audience 'boobs, and 'yahoos.'
Mary: May-maybe that was just a teaser. May, maybe he was kidding
Karl: It is said that a people get the culture they deserve. In the night's to come,we shall try to find out exactly why no first-rate art has ever been created in this vacant - but intellectually famished - arid - and sterile city.
Ted: [Ted, who's been staring at Karl, unfolds his arms and turns to the camera, and clears his throat] This is, uh... Ted Baxter
[nervously smiling]
Ted: saying 'good night,' from Phoenix, Arizona.

Mary: [Trying to build up Georgette's self-confidence] Georgette, say something nice about yourself.
Georgette: [Hesitant] Well, I have good handwriting...

Mary: Mr. Grant, please no. I've never fired anybody in my life.
Lou: Mary.
Mary: I had a cleaning lady once I couldn't fire. So I moved.

Lou: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I came over here because I was worried about you!
Mary: Yes, I realize that... ..
Lou: Worried to death! You think I care that you're in the bathtub?
Mary: Obviously not!
Lou: You think that's why I came? I was at home with my shoes off, having a beer. Nice and comfortable. You imagine I suddenly said to myself 'Hey. Why don't I go over and see if I can cop a peek at Mary?'!

Lou: [Mary's crying after having spent so much time, trying to pick what she felt would be the best new newscaster for WJM, and all he said were 3 sports scores, so Mr. Grant takes her into his office to talk, and she sits in a chair, with Mr. Grant kneeling aside] I wanna see you smile. So, Mary; let me tell you about life. We're born, we live, and we die. And you wanna know what it all means?
[Mary nods]
Lou: nothing.
Mary: [Stifling her tears] Nothing?
Lou: [Looking up at Mary] Nothing.
[Lou thinks for a moment]
Lou: Loo at Winston Churchill
[Lo moves towards his desk]
Lou: , a great man, right? Maybe the greatest man of the century.
[Lou sits at his desk]
Lou: Let me ask you this; when was the last time you heard anybody mention Winston Churchill?
Mary: [a glum-looking Mary thinks for a moment] I dunno...
Lou: The greatest man of the century and you don't know. Alright. Remember well everyone thought the sportscaster had died?
[Mary shakes her head, 'yes']
Lou: look at this postcard. Read what it says
[hands a post card to Mary]
Mary: 'Sorry to hear about Ed having a wonderful time just regards, Charlie Kellerman.'
Lou: [Nodding] That's what a man's life comes down to, Mary; 'sorry to hear about Ed,' on the back of a picture postcard of Disneyland.
[Mary chokes tears]
Lou: Mary, Mary. Mary. Cheer up.Cheer up!
[Lou moves from his seat to the front of his desk, to console Mary]
Lou: Because, In an infinite universe, on a planet the size of a pin, we are mere specks of dust, just waiting to be blown away. You see what I'm trying to tell you?
Mary: [Choking her words] I see.
Lou: Good.
Mary: [Mary gets up, and straightens her outfit, as she heads towards the door] Thank you, very much, Mr. Grant.
Lou: You're welcome.
Mary: [Mary's at the door, her hand on the knob] I feel...
[bursting into tears]
Mary: so much better.

Rhoda: Read the card on that gift. I guarantee you it will be something that makes me crazy.
Mary: [Opens the card] "No one in the world will ever love you as much as I do." That's lovely.
Rhoda: To the naked eye it's lovely. But think about it, Mary. I'm thirty years old, right? And single. And no matter where I go or who I meet or how long I may live, no one will ever love me as much as she does. That's not a card - that's a curse!

Dottie: [Mary's mother, Dottie, is heading out of Mary's apartment, to leave Mary and her father, so they can spend some time together] Well, guess I just better be going.
[She starts heading to Mary's front door, and passes her husband, who's got a quizzical look on his face]
Dottie: Have a nice time, you two.
Mary: You too, mom.
Dottie: Right.
Walter: [Kisses his wife, Dottie] Night, Dottie.
[He looks at Mary, not knowing what's going on]
Dottie: [Nervously speaks] Goodbye, dear.
Walter: [Confused] Aren't you gonna stay?
Dottie: [Whispers conspiratorially] She won't let me!
[With that, Dottie heads towards the front door]
Dottie: Don't forget to take your pill.
[Dottie announces, loudly]
Mary: [Simultaneously] I won't.
[Walter looks towards Mary, with a surprised look, and Mary just blankly stares into space]

Mary: Where were you wounded?
Lou: Let's just say France.

[there is a party at Mary's. Mary has suggested playing a game where one person says a word and the next person thinks of a word that begins with the last letter of the word they heard]
Lou: Does this game go on forever or does it have an end?
Mary: It ends when a person can't think of a word.
Lou: Oh, I'll start. (Lou turns to Ted Baxter.) Box! (Ted cannot think of a word and says nothing.) Game's over.

Lou: Now I need a plumber for my house.
Mary: What's wrong?
Lou: My grandson made a wonderful discovery over the weekend. You cannot flush a banana.

Lou: What religion are you?
Mary: I don't know quite how to say this, Mr. Grant, but you're not allowed to ask that. It's against the law.
Lou: Want to call a cop?
Mary: No.
Lou: Would I be violating your civil rights if I asked if you're married or not?
Mary: Presbyterian.

Mary: Mr. Grant? Could I say what I wanted to say now? Please?
Lou: Okay, Mary.
Mary: Well I just wanted to let you know that sometimes I get concerned about being a career woman. I get to thinking that my job is too important to me. And I tell myself that the people I work with are just the people I work with. But last night I thought what is family anyway? It's the people who make you feel less alone and really loved.
[she sobs]
Mary: And that's what you've done for me. Thank you for beginning MY family.

Mary: Murray?
Murray: What?
Mary: What special are we doing?
Murray: It's called "Is Air Pollution Really So Bad?"
Mary: Tell me, what kind of a television station does a special favoring air pollution?
Murray: The one where the chairman of the board owns a smelting plant.

Mary: You don't suppose... it's him?
Rhoda: [Opens the door, sees Phyllis] Worse... it's her.

Mary: Have you had dinner?
Bess: Yes, Phyllis burned it.
Mary: Aw, I'm sorry.
Bess: Why? You didn't burn it.
Mary: Well, no. But it's just that when you try to fix something and then it doesn't turn out right it's kinda disappointing.
Bess: Well, it doesn't bother Phyllis.
Mary: Do you always call your mother Phyllis?
Mary: It's her name!

Ted: [Ted's brother, Hal needs a dinner date] Say, Mare, why don't you fix Hal up with that Israeli friend of yours?
Mary: You mean Rhoda?
Ted: Yeah.
Mary: Ted, she's not Israeli; she's from New York.
Ted: Wel, I knew it was somewhere there in the Middle East.

Mary: I just wanted you to know that sometimes I get concerned about being a career woman. I get to thinking my job is too important to me, and I tell myself that the people I work with are just the people I work with. And not my family. And last night, I thought, 'what is a family, anyway?' They're just people who make you feel less alone... and really loved. And that's what you've done for me. Thank you for being my family.

Rhoda: I always try to stay all the way out of that kind of scene. Ever since Cynthia Zimmer, you know, my roommate in New York. Not the 68th street roommate, the 83rd street,
Mary: Oh yeah.
Rhoda: She was the champ. 14 married guys in one year. You should have seen Christmas at our apartment. You never saw more gifts and less people.

Mary: [Ted Baxter's been doing his commercials and Mr Grant's depressed about the whole situation. Mary goes into Mr Grant's office, and tries to talk to him] Mr. Grant, what is it?
Lou: [Mr. Grant's standing there - dejected, looking defeated] Hmmm?
Mary: What's wrong?
Lou: Oh.
[sighs]
Lou: I think Baxter's finally got me. I've gone over his contract, a dozen times. There's nothing I can do to stop him. First it was that tomato slicer. Then it was that commercial for that woman's product. I didn't even know what it was. I had to ask my wife what they used it for. She wasn't sure.
[sighs]
Lou: Mary, he's got me.
Mary: [Trying to cheer Mr. Grant up] Mr. Grant, how about if I fix you a nice drink?
[Lou just nods his head, silently, 'no', and looks forlorn]
Mary: You haven't had a nice drink in days.
[Lou lumbers towards his desk's chair]
Mary: Mr Grant, I'm worried about you.
[Mary and Mr Grant both sit down]
Lou: [Mr. Grant sighs] Somehow... booze just doesn't taste good to me, anymore. You know, sometimes, I think I'm losing contact with reality. Like, last night... I was watching a movie on TV, you know - to try... and... forget. And this dog food commercial came on. And I could've sworn, I heard a dog bark, that sounded just like Ted.
Mary: Mr. Grant, isn't there anything I can do?
[Lou mouths 'no]
Mary: The news is on.
[Spoken like talking to a sad child]
Mary: You wanna watch the news?
Lou: I suppose so.
Mary: I turned it on very softly.
[Mary walks towards the door, but, as she grabs the doorknob, she turns, and becomes full of 'vim']
Mary: Mr Grant, doesn't it just make you mad? I mean - wouldn't you like to really chew Ted out?
[She makes a fist, as Lou just sits - lethargic, and silent. Lou says nothing, so Mary leaves the office]

Mary: If it weren't for the rotten things that happen in this world we couldn't put on the news show. We should be grateful to all the people who do those rotten things. We should stop them in the streets and say, "Thank you Mr. Mugger, thank you Mr. Thief, thank you Mr. Maniac."

Mary: Ted, do you trust me?
Ted: Well, sure I do.
Mary: Okay, take off your left shoe.
[Ted does so]
Mary: Now take off your left sock.
Ted: Mary...
Mary: Do you trust me, Ted?
Ted: Sure.
Mary: Take off your left sock.
[Ted does so]
Mary: Now, the next time I'm talking to someone and you think of a comment you just have to add to the conversation, I want you to take that sock, and stuff it down your throat.
Ted: What about the shoe?
[Mary gives a look as if to say "don't tempt me."]

Ted: [Lou, Murray, and Ted are interrupting Mary's bath] Wait a minute. I wanna read Mary my speech. Murray...
[drops his glasses in the tub with Mary]
Mary: Don't... you... daaarrre!
Ted: Relax Mary, this'll only take an hour.
Mary: AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!

Mary: I want to apologize for some of the questions Ted asked. Sometimes he gets a little carried away.
Fr. Terrance Brian: Oh, that's all right, Mary. We're all God's creatures. It just goes to show you that even He
[points and looks up]
Fr. Terrance Brian: can have an off day.

[Lou shows up at Mary's apartment for dinner, even though Mary is no longer expecting him]
Lou: Hello. You didn't say what time. Is this OK?
Mary: OK for what?
Lou: Dinner. You did invite me to dinner, didn't you?
Mary: Well, yes, Mr. Grant. But I can't imagine, after that scene in your office, that you would think it's still on.
Lou: You never said it wasn't.
Mary: You mean to tell me you expect us to sit down and eat dinner tonight after that fight we had?
Lou: Mary, during World War II everyone was fighting, but we all kept eating.
Mary: Yeah, yeah. But you never sat down to eat with the Germans.
Lou: They never invited me. And you did.

Mary: Well, I'll just - I'll just have to go to jail, that's all. It's the right thing. It's the honorable thing.It's the only thing. There's just one problem.
[Suddenly hysterical]
Mary: I don't want to go to jail, Mr. Grant. I'm afraid to go to jail. I've never been to jail, Mr. Grant. I never even had to stay after school!

Mary: You don't know this man, outside of hitting him with your car?
Rhoda: No, and I know you're gonna think I'm kidding, but you can really get close to someone fast when you hit him with a car.
Phyllis: You can't just get to know someone over coffee, can you?

Sue: Congratulations Murray. I just heard the good news, so I thought I'd bake a little cake for the two of you co-producers.
Mary: Aww, Sue Ann, that's just so... typical.
Murray: Isn't that a wedding cake?
Sue: Uh, yes. Well actually, it was supposed to be for my cameraman and his fiance, but they broke up.
Murray: That's too bad.
Sue: He got angry when she showed up at his stag party. In one of the films.

Mary: Sometimes I think men have no idea what's involved in caring for a baby. The amount of time that's involved. The total commitment...
Lou: Hey! Hey! Why are you telling me? I've got three kids! You don't have any!
Mary: Well, you don't have to be a chicken to recognize an egg.
Lou: Well, you do if you want to lay one.

Murray: So: how did things work out at the Big Sisters?
Mary: Terrific! They put you through a kind of screening process, and, uh, I guess I passed, 'cos I've got a little sister!
Murray: Ah - what's she like?
Mary: Well we were just sort of introduced, so, we didn't get a chance to talk, but, she's 15, bright, cute as a button, and out on probation for shoplifting.
Sue: What was the name of this group, Mary?
Mary: The Big Sisters.
Sue: The big sisters that would be the perfect thing for me to clinch the award and I'd be wonderful at it, because, I had an ideal relationship with my own sister. And it wasn't easy; naturally, she resented being the ugly one.
Mary: I had to mention the Big Sisters, didn't I? Now, because of me, some poor underprivileged kid is going to be forced to learn how to cook a quiche

Lou: I'd like to cuss right now because that kid's out there. But I can't cuss because that kid's out there. Do I make myself clear?
Mary: I think so. You'd like to cuss, is that it?

Lou: [Ted's winning the final has Lou feeling down] I'm feeling depressed. Do you want to go to lunch with me?
Mary: Sure. Wait a minute. I know what'll cheer you up; it is such a gorgeous day, outside - I mean it's really nippy. Whad'ya say instead of going to some stuffy restaurant, you and I go over to the rink - rent a couple of skates, and skate the lunch hour away
Lou: [as Lou stands, not facing Mary, he's straightening his tie, and smiles] I've never done that on my lunch hour;
[still smiling, he turns towards Mary]
Lou: and I never will.

[Ted has gone out to the balcony to watch the moon]
Mary: Wow, he really has changed!
Georgette: I know! And, Mary, I've had it with him! I mean, I'm not ready for this. The Ted I married was loud, vain and egotistical; that I could handle. Then he has a little heart attack and turns into St. Francis of Assisi!

[Ted is complaining to Mary that he doesn't like the new cue card *girl*]
Ted: And there's, uh, there's something else, too. I, ahem, I don't feel right, you know, ahem, when I make, ahem, certain kind of jokes during the commercial breaks when a girl's around.
Mary: Well, Ted, if you don't feel right, then don't make them.
Ted: Well, I... I have to! They keep the little people relaxed. They keep them sort of loose, you know? I need a loose crew, Mary!
Murray: Ted, if you don't have a loose screw, nobody does.

Rhoda: [Mary's cooking dinner for Stephen- her soon-to-arrive, and of-undermined age date. Rhoda asks Mary if Stephen's age bugs her] Listen, there are ways to find out his age.
Mary: [Mary's doorbell rings] How?
Stephen: [From outside Mary's apartment door] Can I come in? The wine and me have to be served at room temperature.
Rhoda: [Mary walks towards her door, with Rhoda behind her] If the wine has a cute name, he's under 30.
[Mary opens the door. Stephen's standing there, holding a bottle of wine]
Mary: [They all say 'hello' to each other, and Stephen hands Mary the bottle of wine] Thank you.
Rhoda: [Looking over Mary's shoulder at the wine bottle] 'Grandma's Apple Pizzazz'.

Mary: [Mary's talking to Mr Grant, in his office - trying to get him to rethink his decision to break up with Charlene] Okay, okay, so there have been some other men.
Lou: Not 'some other men'! Lots of other men!
Mary: Well, what's the cut-off point, Mr Grant? I mean, is-is there some number, you know, I'd really like to know. How many men is a woman allowed to have, before she becomes *that* sort of woman
Lou: [Lou, looking blank-faced, and despondent] 6.

Rhoda: All right. "We have received the news that actress Raquel Welch has just died. Details are very sketchy at this point, but one thing we know is for sure: she didn't drown."
Mary: [laughing and typing] Didn't... drown...

Diane: [when Melanie, Joy, and Victoria visit Elka in jail] Oh, you're right. They do look like hookers.

Murray: I want to leave a little piece of myself behind.
Mary: Why don't you pickle a kidney?

[Everyone's stunned at Ted's sudden return to normalcy]
Murray: What happened?
Mary: Well, I guess this experience, this feeling must go away.
Lou: Yeah. I just remembered. The same thing happened in the war. During combat I never held life more dearly. But the feeling started to go away the minute the Germans stopped shooting at me. I never forgave them for that. I guess it always wears off.

Mary: I was just telling Ted and Murray about my weekend in Chicago
[with Sue Ann at the Broadcasters' Convention]
Lou: Uh huh... sounded like you girls were having quite a time.
Mary: Oh yeah, well I wanted to explain to you about that phone call.
Lou: Oh don't feel you have anything to explain to me Mary.
Mary: No, no, no Mr. Grant, really I would like to.
Lou: Why? Because when I called you, all I could hear was shrieks and giggles and the sound of drunken laughter?
Mary: No Mr. Grant, really there is a perfectly logical explanation for what you heard.
Lou: Oh really Mary - and what is it?
Mary: We were having an orgy.

Mary: Tell us, Miss Mary Jo Beth Ann Lou, what are some of your favorite hobbies?
Rhoda: My favorite hobbies are cheerleading, liking people, and living in America.

Gordy: [Mar's 'happy talk' revamping of the 6 O'Clock News is a disaster, as Ted s trying to be funny, and show he has 'personality'] And now, speaking for the management of WJM-TV, Mary Richards. And I'm sure after you see her, you'll understand why I say; 'Mary, I don't know what it is your for, or against, but, whatever it is, I'm with you.
Mary: [Smiling] Thank you, Gordy. We'd like to speak out tonight for population control . Between the years 1932 and 1978, the population of the world will have doubled.
Ted: [Interrupting Mary] that should do something for our ratings, hey, Mary?
Mary: [Nervously smiling] population experts agree that if growth continues at this rate, world population will reach 7 billion by the year 2000.
Ted: [Interrupting Mary, again] Hey, I think I'll go into the diaper business.
Mary: [Beginning to stutter] Which points to a disaster of global importance.
Ted: Oh come on, Mare, don't be such a gloomy Gus.
Mary: The management of WJM feels that television can play a critical role in the control the population growth...
Ted: [Interrupting Mary] We sure can. As long as they're watching the old tube, they can't make the population grow, can they?
Mary: Television has a responsibility...
Ted: Get it, Mare?
Mary: [Turning to Ted, off camera] Will you shut up, Ted?
[Ted - off-camera - looks at Mary with disbelief. Mary, turns to face the camera. We see her on a monitor - shocked at what she just said. Her mouth open, and eyes wide, she just stares straight ahead]
Lou: [Lou, who's been drinking while watching the broadcast with Murray] Murray, did I just hear right? Did I hear Mary tell Ted to shut up on the air?
Murray: [Drunk] Yeah.
Lou: [Smiles] Good.

Maitre: Is something the matter with the wine, sir?
Karl: It's corked, cloudy, bitter, over-priced, and totally unacceptable.
Mary: Maybe that first swallow just went down the wrong way.