Top 50 Quotes From Ryan Howard

Ryan: [sees Todd's license plate is "WLHUNG"] You a big William Hung fan?
Todd: Why does everybody ask me that? Who the hell is that?

- if not more so.
Ryan: I figured I could throw it away now or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away.
- I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paperclips and an old yogurt lid?

Ryan: I got away with everything under the last boss and it wasn't good for me. So I want guidance. I want leadership. Lead me... when I'm in the mood to be led.

Michael: Hey Ryan? Could you get to that copy from before?
Ryan: Pam's better at that stuff.
Pam: That is so insulting.
Ryan: How is it insulting to say that you're good at something?
Pam: Because the thing you're saying I'm good at, is pushing a big green button a bunch of times.
Ryan: I'm not judging it, it's like... I could run GM but I couldn't fix a car. It's not saying one is better than the other.
Pam: Seriously? Because it sounds like one of those is better than the other.

Ryan: Psychiatrists tend to be more crazy than their patients. Therapists are whores. Psychiatry is a narcissism machine. I learned more from Dr Suess than Dr Freud. Earth. You don't have to be crazy to live here, but it helps. I don't know, just use the best one.

Michael: Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter.
Kevin: Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter.
Michael: Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning.
Deangelo: That is true, we do share some similarities. I know how you can fix one of those problems, for me it was portion control. For you, you need a key chain. Maybe one with a...
Michael: [cutting him off] Okay, okay. You know what, I didn't actually lose my keys.
Deangelo: This did not happen.
Michael: Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it's all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay.
[Ryan stands next to Michael up front]
Michael: Ryan how are you today?
Ryan: Why don't you ask my therapist? My mom certainly pays her enough.
Michael: There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny.
Deangelo: Uhhh, you sir!
[points to Jim]
Deangelo: Are we having fun tonight?
Jim: Having a great time.
Deangelo: Oh good!
Jim: Thanks, yeah.
Deangelo: Where were you on September 11th?
Michael: No! God!
[Jim looks at him oddly]
Deangelo: This is so weird! If I'm conducting a meeting, good to go. But if I think of it as a performance... I-I fall apart. Obviously.
Andy: Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting.
Michael: No, no, no! This is the performance of your life!
Jim: Why don't you just, privately, in your own head, think of it like a meeting.
Michael: Jim, please no loopholes.
Darryl: Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind?
Michael: This is my last Dundies ever. If I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?

Dwight: Brain teaser: I have two coins, totaling 15 cents. One of them is not a nickel. What are they?
Ryan: A dime and a nickel.
Dwight: No. I said one of them is not a nickel.
Ryan: But the other one is. I've heard that before.
Dwight: Okay. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, "There's no way I can operate on this boy, because he's my..."
Ryan: [cuts him off] "Because he's my son." The doctor is the boy's mother.
Dwight: A man is found hanging from the ceiling...
Ryan: [cuts him off] He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself and the ice melted.
Dwight: A hunter...
Ryan: [cuts him off] It's a polar bear, because you're at the North Pole.
Dwight: Damn it!

Ryan: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa, and my cousin, Mufasa, was... He was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests, and we all took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened.
Michael: Do you want to talk about it any more?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me, like, an hour and a half to tell that whole story.

Ryan: Hey, I'm Wuphf.
Michael: I'm Facebook.
Ryan: What's up, Facebook?
Michael: I sent you a Facebook message yesterday, I still haven't heard anything back.
Ryan: You should have sent me a Wuphf.
Michael: A what?
Ryan: When you send a Wuphf, it goes to your home phone, cell phone, email, Facebook, Twitter and home-screen, all at the same time. Wuphf!
Michael: Wuphf.com!

Michael: Hey.
Ryan: I found the pudding cups you wanted at a gas station in Carbondale!
Michael: You did it. Look at you. And with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan.
Ryan: You are very welcome.
Michael: Did you get the yams?
Ryan: No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams.
Michael: Oh, okay. I'll just have the pudding.
Ryan: You sure?
Michael: [sighs] Yeah.

Holly: [about Todd Packer] Okay, look, we can't fire someone because we don't like him.
Ryan: Right. This isn't the U.S. government.
Kelly: What are you referencing?
Ryan: Everything. Everything.

Stanley: [believing that Ryan is after his 8th grade daughter] That little girl is a child! I don't want to see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. Do you understand?
Ryan: Yes, sir.
Stanley: Boy, have you lost your mind? 'Cause I'll help you find it. What you looking for? Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. Jesus could come through that door and he's not gonna help you if you don't stop sniffing after my child.
Ryan: [outside] Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.

Ryan: You wanted to have sex in my office.
Pam: No.
Jim: Definitely not. That's disgusting.
Ryan: It's cool. Just um, try to put everything back where you found it. Text me when you're finished... I'll be out here.

Ryan: Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun. And I'm learning that fun for Kelly is getting married and having babies... immediately... with me.

[Ryan is watching his watch while Kelly is seated on the desk in front of him talking. The rest of the office staff are seen in the background watching their conversation]
Kelly: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, number three becomes number two, etcetera, etcetera. And let's just say that I just sent back "Love Actually," which was awesome. And they sent me "Uptown Girls," which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see "Love Actually" again, but it's at the bottom of the queue. Oh, no, what do I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go click, click, click, and I change the order of the queue so that I can see "Love Actually" as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
Ryan: I guess I forgot.
[stands up, smiles and kisses Kelly on the forehead before collecting his winnings]
Kelly: You're such a ditz.
Kevin: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, 42 seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win $10 because she said "awesome" 12 times. And Jim, you win $5 because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
[Pam and Jim smile in delight]

Darryl: In the warehouse, we'd use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly roll, Michael was Dennis the Menace, Ryan was Douchebag.
Ryan: Hey, that's not a code name, that's just an insult.
Oscar: Plus, everyone would know who you meant.
Ryan: Yeah.

Dwight: Michael wants us to bond, so we need topics for conversation.
Jim: Ponies.
Dwight: No.
Ryan: How about rainbows?
Dwight: No.
Jim: Flowers?
Dwight: No!
Ryan: Makeup?

Kevin: [Kevin's voice in a video of Cookie Monster] Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I'm sitting on them.
[all laugh]
Andy: This is awesome!
Oscar: Thank you. It didn't even take that long.
Kevin: [Cookie Monster with Kevin's voice] What's the difference between a chimichanga,
[Kevin arrives behind the group]
Kevin: a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.
[Kevin speaking]
Kevin: This isn't funny. I don't talk like that.
[all continue laughing]
Phyllis: Say "Me eat cookie."
Kevin: No. I won't say it.
Dwight: Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique.
Ryan: It's Kevin as Cookie Monster from Sesame Street.
Dwight: [gets up and starts to walk to Oscar's desk] Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?
Phyllis: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: I love that show.
Kevin: [Cookie Monster with Kevin's voice] This is Kevin. This is Kevin.
Ryan: Good work, buddy.
Oscar: Thank you.
Dwight: That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please.
Oscar: Yes.
Kelly: Me, too Oscar.
Ryan: C.C. me.
Kevin: Angela, this is inappropriate.
Angela: This is my favorite day.

Ryan: I'm in love with Kelly Kapoor. And I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. Again, that could change.

- He used my credit card numbers to send a $200 bouquet of flowers to my wife.
- From me.
- Boom!
Ryan: [Chattering] Look, it's Christmas, so you're allowed...
- Hello.

Michael: U-G-L-Y/You ain't got no alibi./You ugly.
Michael: Huh, huh.
Michael: You ugly./You mama say you ugly. Hey!/Go Michael Scott Paper Company!

Ryan: When people see this presentation, they're gonna
[bleep]
Ryan: in their pants.

Ryan: What I really want, honestly Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael: [chuckles] Okay.
Ryan: What?
Michael: It's 'whoever', not 'whomever'.
Ryan: No, it's 'whomever'.
Michael: No, 'whomever' is never actually right.
Jim: Well, sometimes it's right.
Creed: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy: No. Actually, 'whomever' is the formal version of the word.
Oscar: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael: [to camera] Not a native speaker.
Kevin: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

Jim: Holly, will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Stanley: Marry me, Holly.
Holly: No.
Michael: That guy's got more than he can handle as it is.
Oscar: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: That marriage would be a sham.
Gabe: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: Easy no.
Angela: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: That would be hot. I would pay to see that.
Ryan: Will you marry me, Holly?
Holly: No.
Michael: Only one that I was kind of worried about.

Mrs. California: All right, well, it's really nice to meet you, Bryan.
Ryan: Uh, it's actually Ryan.
Mrs. California: Oh, Ryan.
Ryan: [in the "confessional"] Bitch...

Ryan: [talking about Michael hitting Meredith with his car] Did this happen on company property?
Michael: Yes. It was on company property with company property, so double jeopardy. We are fine.
Ryan: I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael: Oh, right. I'm sorry. What is "We're fine"?

Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget, too.

Michael: Pam. Everyone deserves a second second chance.
[He turns to Ryan]
Michael: Ryan, just out of curiosity, how much do you get paid here?
Ryan: Sixty thousand dollars a year.
Pam: You get paid by the year at the bowling alley?
Ryan: What do you make, secretary?
Bowling: Back to work, shoe bitch!

Ryan: Does she keep her phone locked around you, Michael? Does she watch how much she drinks around you, Michael?
Ryan: [to camera] Does she leave the room when she makes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex?
Ryan: [Back in Conference room] Does she...
Michael: Yeah, she does all that.
Ryan: Sorry, dude.

Kelly: If *I* had created a website with this many problems, I'd kill myself.
Ryan: Do you have a question, Kelly?
Kelly: Yeah. I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?
[Michael starts slow-clapping]

Jim: Hey, Ryan, wanna play a trick on Andy?
Ryan: Not right now. Ask me again about 10 years ago.
Jim: I liked you better as a temp.
Ryan: Me too.

Ryan: Ever since I've gotten clean, there's something about fresh morning air that just really makes me sick.

Dwight: [after Ryan gulps down a beer] Just think, that temp agency could have sent you anywhere.
Ryan: [Stares into the camera] I think about that all the time.

Stanley: Pass.
Michael: You can't pass. You gotta pick somebody.
Stanley: [looks around] I'll take the kid.
Ryan: [in the confessional] I'm very flattered. I was his second choice after "pass."

Minister: Today we also say goodbye to our young adult ministry. They're leaving for 3 months to build a school for the village of Quimixto in Cabo Corrientes, Mexico.
Ryan: I've heard of that place. If you go to Cabo San Lucas, all the prostitutes are from Cabo Corrientes.

Hannah: [breastfeeding] Take a picture; it'll last longer.
Ryan: I'm sorry, it's just... It's a little distracting.
Creed: [staring] Ditto that, my brother.

Pam: Tears of a Clown
Ryan: Don't call me a clown Pam. Come on, you're better then that

Dwight: Boycott the Steamtown mall! Everyone, you heard me. Cancel all your business with the Steamtown mall!
Phyllis: The mall itself, or the stores in the mall?
Dwight: All of it! The mall, the stores, the kiosks.
Ryan: America's one big mall!

Ryan: Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth, please.

Darryl: Is it any particular branch of Washington University?
Ryan: The Washington University Public Health Fund.
Darryl: W - U - P - H - F.
Pam: Oh God.
Darryl: They only want it for the initials.
Ryan: The domain name, yeah, they do.

Ryan: And now, from my old hometown, Scranton, Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott.
Michael: [Satellite camera switches to Michael at the Scranton Office Branch] Hey, I think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer. So take that,
[bleep]
Michael: !
Ryan: [laughs and smiles embarrassingly] Always a jokester

Ryan: Maybe we weren't right together, but, it's weird. I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?

Dwight: I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Ryan: I go to a lot of parties.
Dwight: Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I am not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car and you will have to obey him.
Ryan: Yeah, let's do it that way.

Ryan: I'd like to make a toast: to the troops.
[everyone raises their glasses]
Ryan: *All* the troops. Both sides.
Party: That's weird.

Ryan: Okay, three reasons you are wrong about True Blood. Number one...
Pam: I'm going into labor.

- Just go to his house and see if he's sick.
- I could have done this investigation in, like, 20 minutes.
- Including prep time? Just do it.
Ryan: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know
- I had ever been here.
- And I'd forget, too.

Darryl: Consider it a wuphf in person.
Andy: You're doing the wrong thing. You're going to lose Michael's investment, you're going to lose ours.
Darryl: You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back! Tell Mike to sell!
Andy: If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell.
Ryan: I'm betting on myself.
Stanley: It's a bad bet.
Michael: Hello.
Ryan: Hey. It's an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they are wrong?
Darryl: It's not that we don't believe in the company, we don't believe in you.
Andy: All in those in favor of selling, say aye.
[the four investors say aye]
Michael: I... do not agree to see, which is to say nay.
Darryl: What is wrong with you? What happened to you in high school?
Stanley: Michael, are you that blind?
Michael: I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high, and he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.
Andy: You're gonna lose all of our money.
Michael: Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money.
Ryan: Oh... Uh, That's a lot of pressure. I'm gonna need some more time.
Michael: You can't have it.
Ryan: Okay. I won't let you down.

David: So I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty, but after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. Great. I'm so glad. We're all very excited you're going to be joining us. It'll be nice to have another MBA around here.
Ryan: I'm excited, too. Okay. Bye.
Kelly: Who was that?
Ryan: Nobody,
[short pause]
Ryan: You and I are done.
Kelly: What?
[glances at the camera]

Ryan: We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time.
Kelly: God, baby - you know, with people's reactions to this, I wonder if we made a mistake.
Ryan: No! With the messed-up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.
Oscar: Know what, Ryan? I talked to the other gay guys, and we're OK with it. We all agreed it's fine for you to get married.

Ryan: He's rubbing his neck. He's rubbing his neck.
Kelly: He's rubbing his neck.
Ryan: He's rubbing his neck.
Andy: Oh! Scranton Strangler!
Toby: I can neither confirm nor deny this. Let's just say, I'll be up to my neck in jury duty.