Top 100 Quotes From Craig Robinson

Piranha: Santo cielo, that's a lot of po-po!
Tarantula: Uh, Pirahna? Did we forget something?
Piranha: What?
Mr. Shark: The present. You know.
Piranha: Oh, um... Of course I didn't forget.
[Farts]
Tarantula: You know you fart when you lie, right?
Piranha: What- no! I fart when I'm nervous.
Tarantula: Yeah! Nervous about lying!
Piranha: [Stomach gets gassy] Sorry.
Mr. Shark: Piranha!

Zack: I've known her since the first grade, you don't fuck someone you met in the first grade.
Delaney: Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten, we got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since.
Zack: But what if you could do it all over again?
Delaney: I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence.

Darryl: Consider it a wuphf in person.
Andy: You're doing the wrong thing. You're going to lose Michael's investment, you're going to lose ours.
Darryl: You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back! Tell Mike to sell!
Andy: If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell.
Ryan: I'm betting on myself.
Stanley: It's a bad bet.
Michael: Hello.
Ryan: Hey. It's an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they are wrong?
Darryl: It's not that we don't believe in the company, we don't believe in you.
Andy: All in those in favor of selling, say aye.
[the four investors say aye]
Michael: I... do not agree to see, which is to say nay.
Darryl: What is wrong with you? What happened to you in high school?
Stanley: Michael, are you that blind?
Michael: I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high, and he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.
Andy: You're gonna lose all of our money.
Michael: Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money.
Ryan: Oh... Uh, That's a lot of pressure. I'm gonna need some more time.
Michael: You can't have it.
Ryan: Okay. I won't let you down.

Erin: Um, D-dog, you have a message.
Pam: Erin, you don't need to call him that.
Erin: Andy wants us to, P-dog.
Darryl: It's okay, E-dog.

Dwight: [Irate that Kelly is buying from the computer that he is competing with] What're you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts!
Kelly: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says 'Thanks for shopping at Dunder Mifflin!'
Dwight: Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!
Darryl: Who knows?
Dwight: [Snatches ream of paper from Darryl and yells at Kelly] Return it! Return it now!
Darryl: [Snatches the ream back] Hey! How 'bout stop yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over 500 sheets of paper and you get back to your desk. Start selling multiple reams, like a man?
Dwight: Y-you don't understand. Okay, if this makes the difference
[points at the ream of paper]
Dwight: I'm gonna tell It that YOU were responsible.
Darryl: [with a threatening voice] Who's "It"?

Darryl: [On phone] Hello?... Justine!
[laughs]
Darryl: Nice surprise! How you doin' baby?... Nah. No no, I didn't win. When I got promoted I stop-... what?... Yeah. Yeah, Glenn won... Oh, you wanna call him? Yeah, you should call him, congratulate him. That'll be-... What?... Oh, his number's in your old phone. Oh, you know what? I might have it right-
[hangs up]
Darryl: Whoops.

Darryl: [on Michael's incorrect warning sign] Don't don't bother Luke! Got it.

Darryl: [about Kelly] It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's getting to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door.

Darryl: We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness. Nerf ball. You live a sweet little Nerfy life, sittin' on your biscuit, never having to risk it.

Dwight: My resolution is: Meet a loose woman.
Andy: That's a good one.
Dwight: Yeah?
Andy: You know what? That's my new one. I'm taking that one, too.
Darryl: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to 'em. "Hey, what book is that?" "Cool, lets hang out tonight." " Sex already? Whoa."
Andy: The bookstore?
Dwight: It's that easy?
Darryl: I'll come wit' you, show you how it's done.

Darryl: Yeah, we had a few fights, I suppose. But last night we put a lot of that to bed. I can't tell you what I did with my ex-wife last night. I have to sing it. We took a shower, We were naked. We, scap dap dap doo doo doo doo doo doo.

Trudy: Wait, we destroyed your phone. How did you call for backup?
Jake: That was actually easy. When Doug was distracted, yelling at the concierge, I swapped out my waterlogged phone for his.
Doug: Damn, I would have noticed that if I wasn't trying to live in the moment and not look at my phone so much.

Darryl: Val knit me a beanie, but I can't tell if it's a "we're just friends" beanie or a "I'm hot, you're hot, lets get it poppin'" beanie. So, I'm gonna up the ante... give her a clearly romantic gift, and we'll get to the meaning of the beanie.

Debbie: I'm not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I'm not going anywhere, you're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You're a doorman, okay. You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so... Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves.
Doorman: I know... you're right. I'm so sorry, I fuckin' hate this job. I don't want to be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth.
Debbie: What?
Doorman: You old, she pregnant. Can't have a bunch of old pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy, I'm only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there's 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there's a black midget in the crowd.

Deangelo: So, coasting time is officially over. Big changes are coming, and they're coming fast. If you don't like 'em, this is called a door. You can walk right through it. Alright? I'm not here to be your friend. I like my life outside of this place. I live to leave at five. Change number one: Darryl. Per your request, the company is sending you to business school at night. Full ride, deal with it.
Darryl: Seriously?
Deangelo: Stone cold seriously!
[Talking head]
Deangelo: They are trying to figure me out and I don't like it. Once they figure me out, they start to tell me what I want to hear. And I need to quickly figure out who's a good worker and who is simply a good mind reader. Because as soon as I'm hearing what I want to hear, I'm not gonna care.
[Back to conference room]
Deangelo: Change two: Toby, you're getting a new chair.
Toby: Thanks.
Deangelo: Don't thank me. Hey, don't thank me, guy. Okay? And I don't care if you like them.
Oscar: These sound like good ideas. Why wouldn't we like them?
Deangelo: I don't care what your favorite flavor is. Here's a bowl of ice cream, you either like it or you don't. That's my attitude right now in this room, that's my attitude on Ice Cream Thursdays. Alright? Clear? Any questions?
Kevin: This all sounds great to me. But I can see how some people might think that they're bad. I don't know what to think.
Deangelo: That is a stu... an astute observation, Kevin.
[talking head]
Deangelo: Kev's got me pegged.

Calvin,2265: [They see Madge eat lasagna from a pan] Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield...
Meredith: That woman is a beast.

Darryl: [trying to talk Michael out of jumping off the roof] Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well you got to be you.
Michael: Do you really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.

Darryl: There was a time when the only people who texted you were people you wanted to text you. Girls. And they'd all say the same thing. "I'm coming over, baby." And I would text back, "BTB": bring that booty.

[to Elliot, about his wife]
Ray: You know, you two would get along. She likes to ignore me too.

Andy: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
Michael: He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.
[starts drinking coffee]
Michael: Mmm! It's not cappuccino.
Oscar: He messed yours up, too.
Darryl: He's got to go, Mike.
Michael: It's just coffee, guys. But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

Michael: Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter.
Kevin: Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter.
Michael: Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning.
Deangelo: That is true, we do share some similarities. I know how you can fix one of those problems, for me it was portion control. For you, you need a key chain. Maybe one with a...
Michael: [cutting him off] Okay, okay. You know what, I didn't actually lose my keys.
Deangelo: This did not happen.
Michael: Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it's all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay.
[Ryan stands next to Michael up front]
Michael: Ryan how are you today?
Ryan: Why don't you ask my therapist? My mom certainly pays her enough.
Michael: There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny.
Deangelo: Uhhh, you sir!
[points to Jim]
Deangelo: Are we having fun tonight?
Jim: Having a great time.
Deangelo: Oh good!
Jim: Thanks, yeah.
Deangelo: Where were you on September 11th?
Michael: No! God!
[Jim looks at him oddly]
Deangelo: This is so weird! If I'm conducting a meeting, good to go. But if I think of it as a performance... I-I fall apart. Obviously.
Andy: Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting.
Michael: No, no, no! This is the performance of your life!
Jim: Why don't you just, privately, in your own head, think of it like a meeting.
Michael: Jim, please no loopholes.
Darryl: Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind?
Michael: This is my last Dundies ever. If I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?

Kelly: Well, I just need to know where this is going.
Darryl: Hey, I like you. All right? What's not to like? But you need to access your un-crazy side; otherwise, maybe this thing has run its course.

Zack: Dude, with your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens. OK? You'll have one in your living room. You'll have one in your bathroom!
Delaney: One in the bathroom? You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while I shit.
Zack: Everyone with an ass loves to watch shit while they shit! I'm gonna make that happen for you, man.

Reg: Who the fuck is this guy?
Stevie: Who the fuck are you? WHO the FUCK are YOU?

Darryl: [explaining to Michael why he doesn't want fire-eaters in the warehouse for Casino Night] We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
Michael: That's ironic.
Darryl: What?
Michael: That *you* are afraid.
Darryl: Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?
Michael: Dinkin flicka.
Darryl: [to film crew] I taught Mike some phrases to help him with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, "Fleece it out." "Going mach five." "Dinkin flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.
Michael: Give me some.
[Mike and Darryl do choreographed handshake]
Darryl: [laughing] Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.

President: Scarn, you're right on time.
Michael: What's the situation, President Jackson?
President: It's your old enemy, Goldenface. As you're Goldenface tried to blow up the NFL All-Star game, the baseball All-Star game and the NBA All-Star game. You stopped him every time. Then, you took one day off to run a 20k with your friend Robin Williams.
Michael: One day off.
President: That was the day of the WNBA All-Star game. We all know what happened then.
Michael: My wife was in that game.
President: Now, he's after the NHL All-Star game. He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium. Scarn, this one's personal for me. I own the stadium. I can't see it blown up. It's my retirement plan.
Samuel L. Chang: We have to search the stadium.
President: Not so fast. Goldenface has taken all of the concession stand workers hostage. We go in, he kills the hostages.
Samuel L. Chang: Why not just cancel the game?
President: Cost them too much money to cancel the game.
Michael: Money. It's always about money, isn't it? If I ever own a business, I'm not gonna care about money.
President: Scarn, will you find these hostages and save the game?
Michael: No. I don't think it's important enough. Just out of curiosity, what threat level is this?
President: I can't sugarcoat this. We're at Threat Level... Midnight!
Michael: Heads, I do it. Tails, I don't. Best out of seven. Heads, tails. Heads, tails. Heads, tails.
[he does a final coin toss where heads won]
Michael: Looks like there's gonna be a cleanup on aisle 5.

Darryl: I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was 3 years old. Not once have I used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason... me.

Andy: Okay, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now, and I'll tell you how we can beat it.
The: Uh, well we've been going with...
Erin: Andy.
Andy: Yeah.
Erin: You have a very important call.
Andy: I'm sorry - I'm with a very important client. It'll have to wait.
Erin: Are you sure? It's really, really important.
Andy: There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting.
Erin: Really? Because your mother is dead.
The: Oh my God.
Andy: I don't think she's dead.
Erin: She's dead. She was hit by a bus.
Andy: She's not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls.
Erin: This isn't one of those times. It's the police. They said it's the worst they've ever seen.
Dwight: Andy, I'm really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences.
The: Oh, you must take this call. It's...
Andy: Yeah. Um line 1?
Erin: Line 2.
Andy: Hi.
Darryl: [on phone] It's Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.
Andy: Ooh, gosh!
Darryl: Dude.
Andy: Officer.
Darryl: Look man, this is a bad idea.
Andy: Did she have any last words or?
Darryl: Really? That is messed up man.
Andy: Oh, make sure that your client gets the best deal possible.
Darryl: You're a bad man Andy Bernard.
Andy: That is so mom.
Darryl: That stuff can come back to get you. It's called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle...
Andy: Alright, thank you, officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we?

Michael: Hey, hey, hey. You idiot.
Darryl: Start over.

Darryl: I have nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can't un-see that.

Reg: I know where you at, man. You had it all, and now it's gone. And it's torn a whole in your soul bigger'n my Escalade. So you turn to the drugs, the alcohol, the pornography, freebasin' with O.J., human traffickin', dog fights-slash-orgies... darkness.

Doug: Sussudio demands vinyl.

Darryl: All I need is Kevin. Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined, and then some. When I first started selling cookies, he was a relatively thin man. Not a thin man, mind you. Relatively thin.

Pam: Hey. How you doing?
Darryl: Thinking about my grandmother a lot.
Pam: Yeah.
Darryl: She was about to turn 97.
Pam: At least she lived a very long and I'm sure a very happy life. Got you this card. When you're ready. We all signed it. We just wanted you to know we're thinking about you.
Darryl: Thank you. "Congratulations, Darryl. Let's get wasted." "Have fun today, big guy." "Aww, yeah. Party time. Whoo-whoop."
Pam: It's possible that some people thought it was your birthday.
Darryl: "Hooray. Live it up big D. " "Days like this don't come often enough. Time to celebrate. You deserve this"?
Andy: Birthday punches!
[softly punching Darryl in the stomach]
Andy: One two three four five six seven eight...
Pam: I'm so sorry.
[tears well up in Darryl's eyes]
Andy: ...thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six!...

Mr. Wolf: Time to launch the charm offensive.
Mr. Shark: Oh, yeah! The full Clooney.

Doug: [to Jake] You trying to get your freak on with my sister?
Jake: What? No!
Doug: I see you looking at Trudy Judy's booty.
Jake: I am *not* looking at Trudy Judy's booty!
Doug: Oh, you don't think she's a cutie? Don't be snooty.
Jake: She's a beauty, but I'm on duty.
Terry: And you're married.
Jake: Well, yeah, but that doesn't rhyme.

[Zack and Delaney are having a conversation]
Customer: Hi, can I have a coffee? Black?
Delaney: Can't you see we talking, White?

Jake: I'm looking for your foster brother, George.
Doug: Hate the guy. Stole from my mom, burned our house down. Worst of all, he ran off with my LP of Phil Collins' "No Jacket Required." It's my favorite album. Haven't heard it in 20 years.
Jake: I mean, can't you just stream it?
Doug: Can't do that to Phil. "Sussudio" demands vinyl.
Jake: Right. Vinyl and whatnot.

Shrek: Sorry, but this order's to go.
Cookie: But I haven't taken out his gibblets yet.
Shrek: Trust me, you don't want to eat this one.
Donkey: I go down smooth, but I come out fightin'!

Michael: [during safety training] Seasonal affective disorder. A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.
Darryl: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?

Darryl: No, this isn't a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw V.

Darryl: It's not worth it.
Kevin: No, it's not worth it? That's too bad, 'cause I was feeling particularly hungry this year.
Darryl: Yeah okay, so what? You buy 40 boxes?
Kevin: Hungrier.
Toby: 50?
Kevin: Hungrier.
Darryl: You're not talkin' triple digits?
Kevin: Oh yeah. I'm talking triple digits.

Darryl: Everybody knows I go to Philly. I've just been using sick days I saved up, but Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks, I went along with it.

Doug: [while playing shuffleboard] Good to see you smile Jake. You were being a real tang in the butt.

Budlofsky: [Matheson is smoking weed] No, I can't. My wife can always tell. She can smell it on my sweater.
Matheson: [laughs] You want my vest? It smell good.
Budlofsky: It's not my style.
Matheson: You ain't got no style, muthafucka.

Doug: Jake Peralta, do I have an earring?
Jake: Um, what?
Doug: You heard me. We've been in the car for three hours. You've known me for seven years. Do I have an earring?
Jake: Oh, no. I'm drawing a blank. I can kind of picture a diamond stud.
Doug: That'd be a good look.
Jake: Or maybe a gold cross or a little hoop.
Doug: I do have versatile ears.

Michael: We'll get someone to clean that up.
Darryl: We're the ones that gotta clean that up!

Darryl: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
Michael: Bail 'er? I hardly know her.
Lonny: Damn it, Michael, pay attention, man.

Delaney: Sometimes, we just need someone to show us something we can't see for ourselves.

Darryl: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretended to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys.

Reg: When did you become such a pussy? I mean, you've always been a pussy. But now you're like a vagina with a mullet.

Delaney: [after Zack leaving the set] Can you believe this shit?
Deacon: [after Stacy accidentally shits all over his face] Can you believe THIS shit? That chick frosted me like I was a fucking cake!

Doug: Criminals? That's how you see us? Is it a crime to steal bread to feed your family? Or to sell some weed so you can buy video games? Or to steal video games, because you smoked all that weed you were supposed to sell?
Captain: Yes, all of those are crimes.
Doug: Damn, even the bread one?
Captain: Especially the bread one.

Mr. Shark: I'M HAVING A BABY! IS THERE A DOCTOR? OR PERHAPS, SEVERAL SECURITY GUARDS, THAT CAN LEAVE THEIR POST AND HELP ME?

Toby: Hey Darryl, look, uh... We're here to apologize.
Darryl: Then we're cool.
Dwight: [notices the warehouse employees behind him] Wait! They're using the lift as their own personal elevator.
Toby: What?
Dwight: He broke his ankle climbing over the railing, then he lied about it because it was a misuse of company equipment. Case. Closed.
Darryl: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Dwight: Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Hmm?
[to Toby]
Dwight: Let's just check the security tapes, Toby.
Toby: Well, you know, I don't think there's any reason to check 'em, but I suppose if you want to be really certain...
Darryl: Alright, yeah. Fine, so whatever.
Dwight: YES!
Toby: You really did it.
Dwight: Now, I would like to file an official complaint to corporate because Darryl lied on an official form.
Darryl: [rises to his feet] Then I'm telling 'em you guys sexually harassed my sister.
Dwight: [snorts] No judge is gonna believe that.
[Upon hearing this, Gwyneth also stands up next to Darryl and joins the tense stare-down. Dwight doesn't back down, but his eyes shift edgily between Darryl and Gwyneth]
Toby: [nervously] Okay... Look, we could all file complaints against each other and just drown in a sea of paperwork, but, you know, we'll just move on with our -- with our lives.
[Still engrossed in their confrontation, Dwight and Darryl ignore him]
Toby: [later, in the annex] So Dwight and Darryl came to an agreement that they would both file complaints against corporate, and now I get to do all this paperwork.
[pause]
Toby: We worked it out.

Darryl: What'd I tell you about building forts in my warehouse?

Darryl: Everyday when I came into work, all I wanted to do was leave. So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now?

Darryl: I've been working out. But the problem is I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage.

Scully: I'd rather see butts.
Doug: Fine, if I let you see butts, will you convince the guys that Jake's not a cop?
Scully: How many butts are we talking?
Doug: Six.
Scully: Ten.
Doug: Seven.
Scully: Nine.
Doug: Fine, eight, I'll meet you in the middle.
Scully: Nah, you waited too long. Now it's up to 14.

Erin: Don't you guys have that place where you used to spend you summers and have all those memories?
Darryl: I worked at a Jiffy Lube.
Erin: See, I bet you wouldn't sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world. Would you, Darryl?
Darryl: I would, if I owned it and went broke.

[first lines]
[No one is talking in the office, Jim holds up sign that reads "We're on the longest silent streak in office history! Nobody has said anything in... 14 min!", Dwight hangs up on a phone call rather than speak, Andy sees a raccoon eating a hamburger and tries to describe it using charades, Kevin opens a candy bar and takes a bite]
Kevin: Oh yeah!
[Everyone says "Aww!"]
Dwight: Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper.
Oscar: You really have to say "oh yeah" every time you eat a candy bar?
Kevin: I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good.
[takes another bite]
Kevin: Oh yeah!
Jim: All right, not bad at all. I think we can beat 20 minutes though so let's try again. Get it all out now if you have to.
Andy: It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!
Dwight: You need to stop banging your pen on your desk, or it's going to drive me insane.
Jim: Okay, done.
Erin: [shows bloody hand] Does anyone have a first aid kit?
Darryl: Check out this song I wrote: I'ma love you downstairs tonight...
[overlapping chatter]
Jim: Alright, here we go! Everybody get ready in three, two, good luck, one...

- Yeah. But thanks, seriously.
- Sure. Okay.
Darryl: Yes!
- Yes, what'd I tell you?
- I knew he'd turn up.
- You see that?
- This is the greatest night of my life.

Doorman: What the fuck is she doing at the club? That's not even good parenting right there. Your old ass should know better than that.

Police: They've stolen the Golden Dolphin!
Mr. Wolf: C'mon, you can't prove that.
[the Golden Dolphin falls out of Mr. Shark's dress]
Mr. Shark: My baby!

Darryl: In the warehouse, we'd use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly roll, Michael was Dennis the Menace, Ryan was Douchebag.
Ryan: Hey, that's not a code name, that's just an insult.
Oscar: Plus, everyone would know who you meant.
Ryan: Yeah.

Doug: Do you know who this is? This is Matt Daniel, the most popular male ASMR performer on Twitch.
Georgina: ASMR performer?
Doug: Someone who speaks real soft.
Trudy: [whispers] I also crinkle paper.
Doug: We're trying to stream and the noise on the eighth floor is unacceptable.
Trudy: [whispers] My fans can't hear my mouth sounds.
Georgina: I'm so sorry, I can't hear you.
Trudy: [whispers] That's the point, Georgina.
Doug: He says that's the point, Georgina.

Matheson: [to Budlofsky] You used to be fierce. You used to be ruthless!

Darryl: Damn that was cold.

Doug: I got a new job. I sit behind white CEOs when they have to testify before Congress, so they don't look so racist. Every 15 minutes I just whisper some nonsense at 'em.

Darryl: You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for asian homosexuals?
Glenn: They did not.
Darryl: And you got half a million of these?
[holds up a can]
Darryl: Well, I gotta try it.
Glenn: I wouldn't.
Darryl: Oh come on, what's the harm?
[opens the can and takes a sip]
Darryl: What flavor is that?
Hidetoshi: Coconut Penis.
Darryl: The coconut is... Pretty subtle.

Darryl: [singing] Out of paper, out of stock / There's friendly faces around the block / So break loose from the chains that are causing you pain / Call Michael and Stanley, Jim, Dwight, Creed / Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs / Dunder Mifflin : the people person's paper people !

Princess: And when the smoke clears... Wait, what's this?
Cookie: That's my chimichanga stand.
Princess: Um, no, Cookie. We won't be needing that.
Cookie: Trust me, Fiona. Y'all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, OK? Now go and finish your little speech.

Michael: You're on the street and one of your gang disses you.
Darryl: Oh my goodness.
Michael: Yeah, so, what do you do to get him to make it right?
Darryl: Well, see, um, in the gang world, we use something called fluffy fingers.
Michael: What is that?
Darryl: That's where if somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just start tickling them.
Michael: Really?
Darryl: Yeah. Then he starts tickling you. You know, pretty soon, you laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Y'all can just go to church together, and get ice cream cone.
Michael: I would have never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.

Darryl: [working out at Dwight's new gym] Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week. I figure I'll start slow.
Dwight: Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like LeBron James!
Darryl: It's LeJon Brames.
Dwight: That's what I said.

Nellie: This next one goes to Darryl for pocket-dialing a customer while having sex.
Nellie: Oh, you salty dog!
Darryl: Well, you know, what can I say? A playa's gotta play.
Pete: There you go.
Darryl: [to the camera crew] Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti, but I'm a let them think the other thing.

Darryl: Is it any particular branch of Washington University?
Ryan: The Washington University Public Health Fund.
Darryl: W - U - P - H - F.
Pam: Oh God.
Darryl: They only want it for the initials.
Ryan: The domain name, yeah, they do.

Darryl: Me and Val were going nowhere, and if I'm gonna be working in Philly I'm gonna need my freedom. So I convinced Val to break up with me. Here's how you do it. You say, "what are you gonna do, break up with me?" Like, as a joke. And then you gain a lot of weight.

Mr. Grits: We the Non-Perishables, motherfucker.
Twink: We never expire.
Firewater: We are... Immortal. This here's Twink and Grits.
Mr. Grits: They call me Mr. Grits.
Firewater: Eh, Mr. Grits. Whatever.
Mr. Grits: You told him about the crackers?

- Yes, sir. Remember that.
- I'll be right outside if you need me.
- All right.
Darryl: Yeah. Itaught
- Mike some new phrases.
- I want him to get the raise.
- I just can't help myself.

Darryl: Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week. I figure I'll start slow.
Dwight: Is that the same philosophy you apply to Buffalo wings?

Ray: You a dog person?
Elliot: Used to have one.
Ray: Oh, yeah? What happened to it?
Elliot: Don't have her anymore.

Dale: You killed my ear!
Matheson: You shot me!
Dale: I didn't do that!
Matheson: HE shot me!
Dale: You shot him?
Saul: nods his head
Matheson: Get your hands off me!
Saul: Shut up! we've had enough of you!
Matheson: I'm not your friend!

Darryl: Let's split up the office. You can have sales, the annex, Creed, and I don't know, I'll just take uh, accounting.
Toby: That's it? Yeah, well okay. Thanks Darryl.

Ray: Control is about as real as a one-legged unicorn taking a leak at the end of a double rainbow.

Doug: I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
Captain: You will not win me over with your use of 'twas.
Doug: 'Twasn't trying to.

Dwight: What'd you get?
Darryl: A book about oceans.
Dwight: Oh, really? What else? Let me see.
Darryl: That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.

Matheson: Red, this is your last chance. You gonna give us something we can use?
Red: Matheson, you gotta be kidding me, man. What more do you want? I told you the guy's name was Dale Denton. He's obviously working with Saul. They came in here, they busted my house to shit, they kicked the hell out of me, and then duct-taped me to my grandfather's wheelchair. What more do you want me to tell you? Want me to read your horoscope?
Matheson: You hear that, Ted?
Ted: [on the phone] Okay, ask if either of them were Asian.
Matheson: What skin color were they?
Red: They were white people. Denton might've been a Jew. I don't know. I don't judge people based on things like that. Obviously, we're friends.
Matheson: Ted, you hear him?
Ted: Dale Denton. Not Asian. All right, kill Red.
Red: Man, listen, I would just appreciate it if both of y'all would take your shoes off. This is brand-new carpet. You're tracking mud in here. Matheson, you got British Knights on. I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1987-...
[Matheson shoots Red]

Andy: Morning, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
Andy: Don't care. Tell me later.
Kevin: Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.
Andy: What do you got?
Kelly: Oh, my god!
Phyllis: Do you have a black eye?
Andy: Yes, I do. Phyllis.
Kevin: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Andy: What?
Kevin: It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.
Darryl: Andy, who punched you?
Meredith: Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?
Angela: Black eye, Meredith.
Kelly: Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed; it's like my life is buffering.
Andy: Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam...
Pam: That's true.
Andy: They had, uh... weapons.
Pam: Weapons.
Andy: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Pam: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Andy: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
Pam: Thank goodness he was there.
Oscar: Good job, Andy.
Kevin: Yeah
[all murmuring]
Andy: I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.

Matheson: You know you gonna die right?
Saul: [sadly] Yeah...
Matheson: I'm gonna kill the fuck out you... I hope you enjoy these last... 17 minutes of your life... cause when Ted gets here, he's gonna be like, 'Kill that motha fucker, kill that motha fuckin ass'... watch your head!

Darryl: We do safety training every year or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...
[cut to Michael]
Michael: [laughing hysterically] Hey, Darryl, how's it hanging?

[repeated line]
Mr. Shark: Pop me, please.

Delaney: Her name Bubbles.

Delaney: What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!

Darryl: Check out this song I wrote.
- I'm gonna love you downstairs tonight listen, I say...
- I mean, he looked like a little hamburglar.
- All right, here we go!
- Everybody, get ready in three, two... good luck. One.

Doug: [Rapping] Doug and Jake rolling down the street...
Jake: PB and J, a tasty little treat...
Doug: Two cool dudes making sandals for your feet...
Jake: [Stops rapping] What?
Doug: I was going for the rhyme, but now I kind of feel like it's a good idea.
Jake: Love it!
[Continues to rap]
Jake: Making sandals that last is our ideology / Made real by our patented, strapless technology
[Stops rapping]
Jake: It's magnets.
Doug: Okay!
[Raps]
Doug: Yo, you can wear 'em on the beach...
Jake: Wear 'em on a hike...
Doug: Wear 'em on a Peloton exercise bike...
Doug: Doug and Jake, two best friends / With the premium, open-toed shoes for men! Rah!

Darryl: [Speaking to the camera] When I worked in the warehouse I was part of that lotto pool. They won. Playing my birthday.

[Mr. Shark sniggers in schadenfreude]
Mr. Snake: Oh, no! No way!
Mr. Wolf: Snake.
Mr. Snake: [goes to sit with Mr. Shark] Oh, alright, alright...
Mr. Shark: This is going to taste extra sweet, 'cause I know how bad you want it
[Mr. Snake struggles, clearly reluctant to share the push pop]
Mr. Shark: Pop me, please.
[opens wide his mouth]
Mr. Snake: [struggles even more, quivering and sweating under the superhuman effort he's doing] Nope!
[slurps the push pop in one gulp]
Mr. Snake: Sucker!
Mr. Shark: THAT'S IT!
[grabs Mr. Snake]
Mr. Shark: I'LL TEACH YOU TO SHARE!
[proceeds to swallow Mr. Snake whole, much to everyone's surprise]
Mr. Shark: I like sharing, he's yummy.
Mr. Snake: [from inside Mr. Shark's stomach] Totally worth it!
Professor: [understandably petrified] Well, that's terrifying.

Zack: This is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works and *it will*, we are set up for sequels galore. The Empire Strikes Ass.
Miriam: Return of the Brown Eye.
Deacon: The Phantom Man Ass.
Delaney: And Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter.
[awkward silence]
Zack: ...okay.
Delaney: Revenge of the Shit, you got it?
Miriam: No, yeah we got it.
Stacey: Ew.
Delaney: [under his breath] Fuck you, mothafuckas.

Darryl: I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it would be good for my daughter to see a black man as president, even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.

Delaney: [to Mr. Surya] You Ben Kingsley looking motherfucker