Top 100 Quotes From Craig Robinson

Darryl: Those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where did you get 'em, like, Queers "R" Us?

Michael: You're on the street and one of your gang disses you.
Darryl: Oh my goodness.
Michael: Yeah, so, what do you do to get him to make it right?
Darryl: Well, see, um, in the gang world, we use something called fluffy fingers.
Michael: What is that?
Darryl: That's where if somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just start tickling them.
Michael: Really?
Darryl: Yeah. Then he starts tickling you. You know, pretty soon, you laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Y'all can just go to church together, and get ice cream cone.
Michael: I would have never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.

Police: They've stolen the Golden Dolphin!
Mr. Wolf: C'mon, you can't prove that.
[the Golden Dolphin falls out of Mr. Shark's dress]
Mr. Shark: My baby!

Darryl: Everyday when I came into work, all I wanted to do was leave. So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now?

Nellie: This next one goes to Darryl for pocket-dialing a customer while having sex.
Nellie: Oh, you salty dog!
Darryl: Well, you know, what can I say? A playa's gotta play.
Pete: There you go.
Darryl: [to the camera crew] Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti, but I'm a let them think the other thing.

Andy: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
Michael: He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.
[starts drinking coffee]
Michael: Mmm! It's not cappuccino.
Oscar: He messed yours up, too.
Darryl: He's got to go, Mike.
Michael: It's just coffee, guys. But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

Reg: When did you become such a pussy? I mean, you've always been a pussy. But now you're like a vagina with a mullet.

Darryl: Damn that was cold.

[first lines]
[No one is talking in the office, Jim holds up sign that reads "We're on the longest silent streak in office history! Nobody has said anything in... 14 min!", Dwight hangs up on a phone call rather than speak, Andy sees a raccoon eating a hamburger and tries to describe it using charades, Kevin opens a candy bar and takes a bite]
Kevin: Oh yeah!
[Everyone says "Aww!"]
Dwight: Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper.
Oscar: You really have to say "oh yeah" every time you eat a candy bar?
Kevin: I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good.
[takes another bite]
Kevin: Oh yeah!
Jim: All right, not bad at all. I think we can beat 20 minutes though so let's try again. Get it all out now if you have to.
Andy: It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!
Dwight: You need to stop banging your pen on your desk, or it's going to drive me insane.
Jim: Okay, done.
Erin: [shows bloody hand] Does anyone have a first aid kit?
Darryl: Check out this song I wrote: I'ma love you downstairs tonight...
[overlapping chatter]
Jim: Alright, here we go! Everybody get ready in three, two, good luck, one...

Calvin,2265: [They see Madge eat lasagna from a pan] Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield...
Meredith: That woman is a beast.

Doug: [Rapping] Doug and Jake rolling down the street...
Jake: PB and J, a tasty little treat...
Doug: Two cool dudes making sandals for your feet...
Jake: [Stops rapping] What?
Doug: I was going for the rhyme, but now I kind of feel like it's a good idea.
Jake: Love it!
[Continues to rap]
Jake: Making sandals that last is our ideology / Made real by our patented, strapless technology
[Stops rapping]
Jake: It's magnets.
Doug: Okay!
[Raps]
Doug: Yo, you can wear 'em on the beach...
Jake: Wear 'em on a hike...
Doug: Wear 'em on a Peloton exercise bike...
Doug: Doug and Jake, two best friends / With the premium, open-toed shoes for men! Rah!

Delaney: Sometimes, we just need someone to show us something we can't see for ourselves.

Kelly: Well, I just need to know where this is going.
Darryl: Hey, I like you. All right? What's not to like? But you need to access your un-crazy side; otherwise, maybe this thing has run its course.

Darryl: [explaining to Michael why he doesn't want fire-eaters in the warehouse for Casino Night] We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
Michael: That's ironic.
Darryl: What?
Michael: That *you* are afraid.
Darryl: Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?
Michael: Dinkin flicka.
Darryl: [to film crew] I taught Mike some phrases to help him with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, "Fleece it out." "Going mach five." "Dinkin flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.
Michael: Give me some.
[Mike and Darryl do choreographed handshake]
Darryl: [laughing] Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.

Darryl: I have nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday. The day shift at a strip club? You can't un-see that.

[repeated line]
Mr. Shark: Pop me, please.

- Yeah. But thanks, seriously.
- Sure. Okay.
Darryl: Yes!
- Yes, what'd I tell you?
- I knew he'd turn up.
- You see that?
- This is the greatest night of my life.

Ray: Control is about as real as a one-legged unicorn taking a leak at the end of a double rainbow.

Zack: This is just the beginning, guys. If Star Whores works and *it will*, we are set up for sequels galore. The Empire Strikes Ass.
Miriam: Return of the Brown Eye.
Deacon: The Phantom Man Ass.
Delaney: And Revenge of the Shit: The All Anal Final Chapter.
[awkward silence]
Zack: ...okay.
Delaney: Revenge of the Shit, you got it?
Miriam: No, yeah we got it.
Stacey: Ew.
Delaney: [under his breath] Fuck you, mothafuckas.

Doug: Criminals? That's how you see us? Is it a crime to steal bread to feed your family? Or to sell some weed so you can buy video games? Or to steal video games, because you smoked all that weed you were supposed to sell?
Captain: Yes, all of those are crimes.
Doug: Damn, even the bread one?
Captain: Especially the bread one.

Michael: Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter.
Kevin: Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter.
Michael: Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning.
Deangelo: That is true, we do share some similarities. I know how you can fix one of those problems, for me it was portion control. For you, you need a key chain. Maybe one with a...
Michael: [cutting him off] Okay, okay. You know what, I didn't actually lose my keys.
Deangelo: This did not happen.
Michael: Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it's all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay.
[Ryan stands next to Michael up front]
Michael: Ryan how are you today?
Ryan: Why don't you ask my therapist? My mom certainly pays her enough.
Michael: There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny.
Deangelo: Uhhh, you sir!
[points to Jim]
Deangelo: Are we having fun tonight?
Jim: Having a great time.
Deangelo: Oh good!
Jim: Thanks, yeah.
Deangelo: Where were you on September 11th?
Michael: No! God!
[Jim looks at him oddly]
Deangelo: This is so weird! If I'm conducting a meeting, good to go. But if I think of it as a performance... I-I fall apart. Obviously.
Andy: Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting.
Michael: No, no, no! This is the performance of your life!
Jim: Why don't you just, privately, in your own head, think of it like a meeting.
Michael: Jim, please no loopholes.
Darryl: Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind?
Michael: This is my last Dundies ever. If I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?

Budlofsky: [Matheson is smoking weed] No, I can't. My wife can always tell. She can smell it on my sweater.
Matheson: [laughs] You want my vest? It smell good.
Budlofsky: It's not my style.
Matheson: You ain't got no style, muthafucka.

Budlofsky: Hey! How about a little fuckin' discretion!
Matheson: What abo- you catch that? you see that? You use to not give a fuck about discretion. I seen't you break somebody's jawbone off! I SEEN'T it! You was ruthless man! ruthless!

Doug: Jake Peralta, do I have an earring?
Jake: Um, what?
Doug: You heard me. We've been in the car for three hours. You've known me for seven years. Do I have an earring?
Jake: Oh, no. I'm drawing a blank. I can kind of picture a diamond stud.
Doug: That'd be a good look.
Jake: Or maybe a gold cross or a little hoop.
Doug: I do have versatile ears.

Pam: Hey. How you doing?
Darryl: Thinking about my grandmother a lot.
Pam: Yeah.
Darryl: She was about to turn 97.
Pam: At least she lived a very long and I'm sure a very happy life. Got you this card. When you're ready. We all signed it. We just wanted you to know we're thinking about you.
Darryl: Thank you. "Congratulations, Darryl. Let's get wasted." "Have fun today, big guy." "Aww, yeah. Party time. Whoo-whoop."
Pam: It's possible that some people thought it was your birthday.
Darryl: "Hooray. Live it up big D. " "Days like this don't come often enough. Time to celebrate. You deserve this"?
Andy: Birthday punches!
[softly punching Darryl in the stomach]
Andy: One two three four five six seven eight...
Pam: I'm so sorry.
[tears well up in Darryl's eyes]
Andy: ...thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six!...

Michael: Hey, hey, hey. You idiot.
Darryl: Start over.

Doug: I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
Captain: You will not win me over with your use of 'twas.
Doug: 'Twasn't trying to.

Kenny: You came.
April: Yeah, I heard it on the radio.
Kenny: So does this mean...?
April: Yes.
Kenny: I just want you to know that I've been thinking a lot about what happened at the cook-out.
April: Can we talk about it later when everyone is not around?
Kenny: It was just that we were there, and then we were touching each other, and then I saw those tits and I started feeling your ass, and then i just started breathing heavy and i almost got a headache, and then my vision started to go all colorful... Then I just came in my pants.
April: Ok...
April: But I won't do that again.
Baseball: Hey, can we finish this or you just gonna yakkity yak with tits and legs over there?
Kenny: Hey! She's more that just a pair of tits with legs, Mackworthy!

Mr. Grits: We the Non-Perishables, motherfucker.
Twink: We never expire.
Firewater: We are... Immortal. This here's Twink and Grits.
Mr. Grits: They call me Mr. Grits.
Firewater: Eh, Mr. Grits. Whatever.
Mr. Grits: You told him about the crackers?

Darryl: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretended to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys.

Zack: I've known her since the first grade, you don't fuck someone you met in the first grade.
Delaney: Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten, we got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since.
Zack: But what if you could do it all over again?
Delaney: I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence.

Andy: Okay, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now, and I'll tell you how we can beat it.
The: Uh, well we've been going with...
Erin: Andy.
Andy: Yeah.
Erin: You have a very important call.
Andy: I'm sorry - I'm with a very important client. It'll have to wait.
Erin: Are you sure? It's really, really important.
Andy: There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting.
Erin: Really? Because your mother is dead.
The: Oh my God.
Andy: I don't think she's dead.
Erin: She's dead. She was hit by a bus.
Andy: She's not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls.
Erin: This isn't one of those times. It's the police. They said it's the worst they've ever seen.
Dwight: Andy, I'm really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences.
The: Oh, you must take this call. It's...
Andy: Yeah. Um line 1?
Erin: Line 2.
Andy: Hi.
Darryl: [on phone] It's Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died.
Andy: Ooh, gosh!
Darryl: Dude.
Andy: Officer.
Darryl: Look man, this is a bad idea.
Andy: Did she have any last words or?
Darryl: Really? That is messed up man.
Andy: Oh, make sure that your client gets the best deal possible.
Darryl: You're a bad man Andy Bernard.
Andy: That is so mom.
Darryl: That stuff can come back to get you. It's called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle...
Andy: Alright, thank you, officer. Erin please hold all my other calls. Where were we?

Darryl: [Speaking to the camera] When I worked in the warehouse I was part of that lotto pool. They won. Playing my birthday.

Darryl: I've been working out. But the problem is I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage.

Mr. Wolf: Time to launch the charm offensive.
Mr. Shark: Oh, yeah! The full Clooney.

Doug: I got a new job. I sit behind white CEOs when they have to testify before Congress, so they don't look so racist. Every 15 minutes I just whisper some nonsense at 'em.

Piranha: Santo cielo, that's a lot of po-po!
Tarantula: Uh, Pirahna? Did we forget something?
Piranha: What?
Mr. Shark: The present. You know.
Piranha: Oh, um... Of course I didn't forget.
[Farts]
Tarantula: You know you fart when you lie, right?
Piranha: What- no! I fart when I'm nervous.
Tarantula: Yeah! Nervous about lying!
Piranha: [Stomach gets gassy] Sorry.
Mr. Shark: Piranha!

Reg: Who the fuck is this guy?
Stevie: Who the fuck are you? WHO the FUCK are YOU?

Darryl: We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness. Nerf ball. You live a sweet little Nerfy life, sittin' on your biscuit, never having to risk it.

Darryl: Sh. If we don't listen to the overture, we won't recognise the musical themes when they come back later.

Darryl: [about Kelly] It's like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It's getting to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door.

Matheson: Red, this is your last chance. You gonna give us something we can use?
Red: Matheson, you gotta be kidding me, man. What more do you want? I told you the guy's name was Dale Denton. He's obviously working with Saul. They came in here, they busted my house to shit, they kicked the hell out of me, and then duct-taped me to my grandfather's wheelchair. What more do you want me to tell you? Want me to read your horoscope?
Matheson: You hear that, Ted?
Ted: [on the phone] Okay, ask if either of them were Asian.
Matheson: What skin color were they?
Red: They were white people. Denton might've been a Jew. I don't know. I don't judge people based on things like that. Obviously, we're friends.
Matheson: Ted, you hear him?
Ted: Dale Denton. Not Asian. All right, kill Red.
Red: Man, listen, I would just appreciate it if both of y'all would take your shoes off. This is brand-new carpet. You're tracking mud in here. Matheson, you got British Knights on. I ain't seen anybody wear them since 1987-...
[Matheson shoots Red]

Cookie: Cookie's bringing the heat out of the kitchen!

Darryl: [on Michael's incorrect warning sign] Don't don't bother Luke! Got it.

Darryl: I've been reading the comics to my daughter since she was 3 years old. Not once have I used the real captions to Family Circus. That crazy family is hilarious to her for one reason... me.

Doug: Sussudio demands vinyl.

Matheson: You know you gonna die right?
Saul: [sadly] Yeah...
Matheson: I'm gonna kill the fuck out you... I hope you enjoy these last... 17 minutes of your life... cause when Ted gets here, he's gonna be like, 'Kill that motha fucker, kill that motha fuckin ass'... watch your head!

Erin: Um, D-dog, you have a message.
Pam: Erin, you don't need to call him that.
Erin: Andy wants us to, P-dog.
Darryl: It's okay, E-dog.

Darryl: We do safety training every year or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...
[cut to Michael]
Michael: [laughing hysterically] Hey, Darryl, how's it hanging?

Princess: And when the smoke clears... Wait, what's this?
Cookie: That's my chimichanga stand.
Princess: Um, no, Cookie. We won't be needing that.
Cookie: Trust me, Fiona. Y'all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, OK? Now go and finish your little speech.

Delaney: [to Mr. Surya] You Ben Kingsley looking motherfucker

Michael: We'll get someone to clean that up.
Darryl: We're the ones that gotta clean that up!

Dwight: [Irate that Kelly is buying from the computer that he is competing with] What're you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts!
Kelly: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says 'Thanks for shopping at Dunder Mifflin!'
Dwight: Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!
Darryl: Who knows?
Dwight: [Snatches ream of paper from Darryl and yells at Kelly] Return it! Return it now!
Darryl: [Snatches the ream back] Hey! How 'bout stop yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over 500 sheets of paper and you get back to your desk. Start selling multiple reams, like a man?
Dwight: Y-you don't understand. Okay, if this makes the difference
[points at the ream of paper]
Dwight: I'm gonna tell It that YOU were responsible.
Darryl: [with a threatening voice] Who's "It"?

Darryl: Me and Val were going nowhere, and if I'm gonna be working in Philly I'm gonna need my freedom. So I convinced Val to break up with me. Here's how you do it. You say, "what are you gonna do, break up with me?" Like, as a joke. And then you gain a lot of weight.

Mr. Snake: Nope!
[swallows the push pop]
Mr. Snake: Sucker!
Mr. Shark: That's it! I'll teach you to share!
[eats Mr. Snake]

Toby: Hey, you tricked me. You just wanted Kevin.
Darryl: You're new to the game. You learned a lesson today. See ya next year, sport.

Darryl: No, this isn't a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw V.

Darryl: Consider it a wuphf in person.
Andy: You're doing the wrong thing. You're going to lose Michael's investment, you're going to lose ours.
Darryl: You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back! Tell Mike to sell!
Andy: If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell.
Ryan: I'm betting on myself.
Stanley: It's a bad bet.
Michael: Hello.
Ryan: Hey. It's an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they are wrong?
Darryl: It's not that we don't believe in the company, we don't believe in you.
Andy: All in those in favor of selling, say aye.
[the four investors say aye]
Michael: I... do not agree to see, which is to say nay.
Darryl: What is wrong with you? What happened to you in high school?
Stanley: Michael, are you that blind?
Michael: I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high, and he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.
Andy: You're gonna lose all of our money.
Michael: Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money.
Ryan: Oh... Uh, That's a lot of pressure. I'm gonna need some more time.
Michael: You can't have it.
Ryan: Okay. I won't let you down.

Ray: You a dog person?
Elliot: Used to have one.
Ray: Oh, yeah? What happened to it?
Elliot: Don't have her anymore.

Darryl: [On phone] Hello?... Justine!
[laughs]
Darryl: Nice surprise! How you doin' baby?... Nah. No no, I didn't win. When I got promoted I stop-... what?... Yeah. Yeah, Glenn won... Oh, you wanna call him? Yeah, you should call him, congratulate him. That'll be-... What?... Oh, his number's in your old phone. Oh, you know what? I might have it right-
[hangs up]
Darryl: Whoops.

Deangelo: So, coasting time is officially over. Big changes are coming, and they're coming fast. If you don't like 'em, this is called a door. You can walk right through it. Alright? I'm not here to be your friend. I like my life outside of this place. I live to leave at five. Change number one: Darryl. Per your request, the company is sending you to business school at night. Full ride, deal with it.
Darryl: Seriously?
Deangelo: Stone cold seriously!
[Talking head]
Deangelo: They are trying to figure me out and I don't like it. Once they figure me out, they start to tell me what I want to hear. And I need to quickly figure out who's a good worker and who is simply a good mind reader. Because as soon as I'm hearing what I want to hear, I'm not gonna care.
[Back to conference room]
Deangelo: Change two: Toby, you're getting a new chair.
Toby: Thanks.
Deangelo: Don't thank me. Hey, don't thank me, guy. Okay? And I don't care if you like them.
Oscar: These sound like good ideas. Why wouldn't we like them?
Deangelo: I don't care what your favorite flavor is. Here's a bowl of ice cream, you either like it or you don't. That's my attitude right now in this room, that's my attitude on Ice Cream Thursdays. Alright? Clear? Any questions?
Kevin: This all sounds great to me. But I can see how some people might think that they're bad. I don't know what to think.
Deangelo: That is a stu... an astute observation, Kevin.
[talking head]
Deangelo: Kev's got me pegged.

Darryl: Is it any particular branch of Washington University?
Ryan: The Washington University Public Health Fund.
Darryl: W - U - P - H - F.
Pam: Oh God.
Darryl: They only want it for the initials.
Ryan: The domain name, yeah, they do.

Darryl: It's not worth it.
Kevin: No, it's not worth it? That's too bad, 'cause I was feeling particularly hungry this year.
Darryl: Yeah okay, so what? You buy 40 boxes?
Kevin: Hungrier.
Toby: 50?
Kevin: Hungrier.
Darryl: You're not talkin' triple digits?
Kevin: Oh yeah. I'm talking triple digits.

Shrek: Sorry, but this order's to go.
Cookie: But I haven't taken out his gibblets yet.
Shrek: Trust me, you don't want to eat this one.
Donkey: I go down smooth, but I come out fightin'!

Doug: [while playing shuffleboard] Good to see you smile Jake. You were being a real tang in the butt.

Michael: [during safety training] Seasonal affective disorder. A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.
Darryl: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?

Darryl: [trying to talk Michael out of jumping off the roof] Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well you got to be you.
Michael: Do you really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.

Darryl: You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for asian homosexuals?
Glenn: They did not.
Darryl: And you got half a million of these?
[holds up a can]
Darryl: Well, I gotta try it.
Glenn: I wouldn't.
Darryl: Oh come on, what's the harm?
[opens the can and takes a sip]
Darryl: What flavor is that?
Hidetoshi: Coconut Penis.
Darryl: The coconut is... Pretty subtle.

Dwight: What'd you get?
Darryl: A book about oceans.
Dwight: Oh, really? What else? Let me see.
Darryl: That's porn. Pornography. Old lady. Nasty porn.

[kids see Michael pretending to hang from a noose]
Michael: Kids, just remember. Suicide is never the answer. All right?
[in talking head]
Michael: Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message?
[to kids]
Michael: It is the easy way out. You are not alone.
Darryl: What the hell is wrong with you?
Michael: [short silence] Who wants candy?

Delaney: What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!

Doug: Do you know who this is? This is Matt Daniel, the most popular male ASMR performer on Twitch.
Georgina: ASMR performer?
Doug: Someone who speaks real soft.
Trudy: [whispers] I also crinkle paper.
Doug: We're trying to stream and the noise on the eighth floor is unacceptable.
Trudy: [whispers] My fans can't hear my mouth sounds.
Georgina: I'm so sorry, I can't hear you.
Trudy: [whispers] That's the point, Georgina.
Doug: He says that's the point, Georgina.

Darryl: In the warehouse, we'd use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly roll, Michael was Dennis the Menace, Ryan was Douchebag.
Ryan: Hey, that's not a code name, that's just an insult.
Oscar: Plus, everyone would know who you meant.
Ryan: Yeah.

Zack: You, my friend, are the lead role of Lubed Guy-Baller.
Delaney: Man, he's gonna be balling dudes? I thought you said this was boys on girls.
Lester: If I have to fuck a guy, okay, but I'd rather fuck a girl.
Delaney: What's wrong with you, boy?

Mr. Shark: [while chasing the armored trucks] Are you insured?
Mr. Wolf: Yeah, why?
Mr. Wolf: [Mr. Shark pushes up and rips the top of Mr. Wolf's car off, turning it into a convertible] Hey! That's my car!

- Yes, sir. Remember that.
- I'll be right outside if you need me.
- All right.
Darryl: Yeah. Itaught
- Mike some new phrases.
- I want him to get the raise.
- I just can't help myself.

Darryl: While I got you on the phone, your husband's like a sloppy homeless hobo. Can you fix that?
Pam: Yeah, I was kind of hoping you could.

Zack: Dude, with your cut of the profits, you're gonna get two flat screens. OK? You'll have one in your living room. You'll have one in your bathroom!
Delaney: One in the bathroom? You know, it's always been my dream to watch shit while I shit.
Zack: Everyone with an ass loves to watch shit while they shit! I'm gonna make that happen for you, man.

Jake: I'm looking for your foster brother, George.
Doug: Hate the guy. Stole from my mom, burned our house down. Worst of all, he ran off with my LP of Phil Collins' "No Jacket Required." It's my favorite album. Haven't heard it in 20 years.
Jake: I mean, can't you just stream it?
Doug: Can't do that to Phil. "Sussudio" demands vinyl.
Jake: Right. Vinyl and whatnot.

- It's the ultimate bad-guy thing.
- It's fantastic.
- Wolf, you're a genius!
- It's gonna be, like, the most relaxing con ever.
- Like a vacation.
- Oh, oh-oh-oh! A con-cation.
Shark: My parents met on a con-cation!

Trudy: Wait, we destroyed your phone. How did you call for backup?
Jake: That was actually easy. When Doug was distracted, yelling at the concierge, I swapped out my waterlogged phone for his.
Doug: Damn, I would have noticed that if I wasn't trying to live in the moment and not look at my phone so much.

Darryl: Just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.

Darryl: [singing] Out of paper, out of stock / There's friendly faces around the block / So break loose from the chains that are causing you pain / Call Michael and Stanley, Jim, Dwight, Creed / Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper needs / Dunder Mifflin : the people person's paper people !

Darryl: What'd I tell you about building forts in my warehouse?

Darryl: Val knit me a beanie, but I can't tell if it's a "we're just friends" beanie or a "I'm hot, you're hot, lets get it poppin'" beanie. So, I'm gonna up the ante... give her a clearly romantic gift, and we'll get to the meaning of the beanie.

Reg: I know where you at, man. You had it all, and now it's gone. And it's torn a whole in your soul bigger'n my Escalade. So you turn to the drugs, the alcohol, the pornography, freebasin' with O.J., human traffickin', dog fights-slash-orgies... darkness.

Delaney: Her name Bubbles.

Darryl: Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week. I figure I'll start slow.
Dwight: Is that the same philosophy you apply to Buffalo wings?

President: Scarn, you're right on time.
Michael: What's the situation, President Jackson?
President: It's your old enemy, Goldenface. As you're Goldenface tried to blow up the NFL All-Star game, the baseball All-Star game and the NBA All-Star game. You stopped him every time. Then, you took one day off to run a 20k with your friend Robin Williams.
Michael: One day off.
President: That was the day of the WNBA All-Star game. We all know what happened then.
Michael: My wife was in that game.
President: Now, he's after the NHL All-Star game. He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium. Scarn, this one's personal for me. I own the stadium. I can't see it blown up. It's my retirement plan.
Samuel L. Chang: We have to search the stadium.
President: Not so fast. Goldenface has taken all of the concession stand workers hostage. We go in, he kills the hostages.
Samuel L. Chang: Why not just cancel the game?
President: Cost them too much money to cancel the game.
Michael: Money. It's always about money, isn't it? If I ever own a business, I'm not gonna care about money.
President: Scarn, will you find these hostages and save the game?
Michael: No. I don't think it's important enough. Just out of curiosity, what threat level is this?
President: I can't sugarcoat this. We're at Threat Level... Midnight!
Michael: Heads, I do it. Tails, I don't. Best out of seven. Heads, tails. Heads, tails. Heads, tails.
[he does a final coin toss where heads won]
Michael: Looks like there's gonna be a cleanup on aisle 5.

Andy: [claps] Chef from South Park, it's genius!
Darryl: Just some chef.

Ray: The whole thing is a fall. You can't help but be in a perpetual state of grasping in the dark. It's not about getting up. It's about stumbling - stumbling in the right direction. It's the only true way to move forward.

Darryl: Check out this song I wrote.
- I'm gonna love you downstairs tonight listen, I say...
- I mean, he looked like a little hamburglar.
- All right, here we go!
- Everybody, get ready in three, two... good luck. One.

Dwight: My resolution is: Meet a loose woman.
Andy: That's a good one.
Dwight: Yeah?
Andy: You know what? That's my new one. I'm taking that one, too.
Darryl: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to 'em. "Hey, what book is that?" "Cool, lets hang out tonight." " Sex already? Whoa."
Andy: The bookstore?
Dwight: It's that easy?
Darryl: I'll come wit' you, show you how it's done.

Scully: Ooh, I hope my butts are back.
Doug: I do not like how butts have become your thing, Trudy. You used to love horses.
Scully: Horses have butts.

[Zack and Delaney are having a conversation]
Customer: Hi, can I have a coffee? Black?
Delaney: Can't you see we talking, White?

Darryl: Let's split up the office. You can have sales, the annex, Creed, and I don't know, I'll just take uh, accounting.
Toby: That's it? Yeah, well okay. Thanks Darryl.

Andy: Morning, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
Andy: Don't care. Tell me later.
Kevin: Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.
Andy: What do you got?
Kelly: Oh, my god!
Phyllis: Do you have a black eye?
Andy: Yes, I do. Phyllis.
Kevin: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Andy: What?
Kevin: It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.
Darryl: Andy, who punched you?
Meredith: Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?
Angela: Black eye, Meredith.
Kelly: Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed; it's like my life is buffering.
Andy: Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam...
Pam: That's true.
Andy: They had, uh... weapons.
Pam: Weapons.
Andy: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Pam: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Andy: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
Pam: Thank goodness he was there.
Oscar: Good job, Andy.
Kevin: Yeah
[all murmuring]
Andy: I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.

Darryl: [working out at Dwight's new gym] Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week. I figure I'll start slow.
Dwight: Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like LeBron James!
Darryl: It's LeJon Brames.
Dwight: That's what I said.

Darryl: I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black president. I never realized how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really really gay president or a supermodel president.

Dale: You killed my ear!
Matheson: You shot me!
Dale: I didn't do that!
Matheson: HE shot me!
Dale: You shot him?
Saul: nods his head
Matheson: Get your hands off me!
Saul: Shut up! we've had enough of you!
Matheson: I'm not your friend!