Top 100 Quotes From Oscar Martinez

Oscar: In any case, it gets better... Maybe not much better, but better.

Ryan: We are getting divorced, Andy! This is such a raw time.
Kelly: God, baby - you know, with people's reactions to this, I wonder if we made a mistake.
Ryan: No! With the messed-up laws in this country, I don't want to be married until everyone can be married.
Oscar: Know what, Ryan? I talked to the other gay guys, and we're OK with it. We all agreed it's fine for you to get married.

Oscar: Essentially, what we have here is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car to save her baby.

[Michael attempts to assemble a basketball team and Oscar, of Mexican descent, approaches]
Oscar: I can help out if you need me.
Michael: I will use your talents come baseball season. Or if we box.

Oscar: Hey. I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word "bankruptcy" and expect anything to happen.
Michael: I didn't say it. I declared it.

[first lines]
Pam: W. B. Jones is renovating their offices, and their construction crews are taking up some of the parking spaces we used to get.
Jim: So we had to park at a satellite parking lot
[tilts head]
Jim: over there.
Pam: Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street. Tell them what we saw today, Jim.
Jim: Oh, today we saw a junkyard dog attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.
Jim: Nature!
Oscar: I've been here nine years, now all of a sudden I'm supposed to park half a mile away.
Andy: I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar!
Kevin: [on the ground, rubbing his feet and crying angrily] I will quit. As God as my witness *I will quit*
Kevin: if this is not fixed!
Pam: Some of us like the walk more than others.
Kevin: [off-screen] Hurts like hell...

Oscar: [about Andy being related to Michelle Obama] You know, if there's another explanation I don't really see what it could possibly be.
Andy: What's going on here? I'm related to the First Lady, ok? Get over it. I still need weekly status reports from most of you, so... can we get back to work, please? Get back to work
[Makes whipping sounds at everyone]
Andy: .
Oscar: Andy, no! I would be very polite today.
Andy: Why, is it employee's day or something? I *cannot* keep track of these BS holidays.
Oscar: Your connection to Michelle Obama has certain negative connotations. Most likely, your family were slave owners.
Andy: Does anyone else think it's possible that I come from slave owners?
[Almost everyone raises their hands]

Pam: Who do you think will get the job?
Kevin: Karen, she looks corporate, those little pantsuits.
Phyllis: I think it's gonna be Michael.
Oscar: Do you really think he's qualified for that job?
Phyllis: No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now and he got that one.

Jim: Hey, dude. Do you know what a rundown is?
Oscar: Use it in a sentence.
Jim: Uh... can you get this rundown for me?
Oscar: Try another sentence.
Jim: This rundown better be really good?
Oscar: I don't know but it sounds like the rundown's really important.
Jim: Charles asked me to do this rundown of all my clients.
Oscar: Why don't you just ask him, what...
Jim: No, I can't it was like hours ago.
Oscar: What have you been doing?
Kevin: Try another sentence.

- You guys got nothing in common.
- Maybe you're right. I should count myself lucky.
- Hey, what's up?
- There he is! Hey!
- Anyone up for some hoops?
- Yeah. Hoops!
- Let's do it.
Oscar: Hoop it. Yeah.

Oscar: She had done a background check on me; she had it printed out.
Jim: No!
Oscar: Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner.
Toby: That is unbelievable.
Pam: What is going on?
Jim: We are doing worst first dates.
Pam: Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me.
Oscar: Okay, that's a joke.
Pam: No, they had to come back for me.
Jim: Wait, when was this?
Pam: Umm... it was not that long ago.
Kelly: Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance.

Michael: Where's Andy?
Oscar: He's on one of his honeymoons.
Michael: What?
Oscar: He made nonrefundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he's hot-air ballooning, and later he's got a couples' massage.

Oscar: It's just that I've sat next to Angela for a very long, very long time.
Andy: Righto.
Oscar: How can anyone stand that woman?

Michael: [deleted scene] Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon.
Oscar: How?
Michael: Exactly. I know. It's amazing.
Oscar: No, how could it reach the moon? Like, would you make it into a rope, or...
Creed: I have some hemp ropes at my house, they're really strong...
Michael: Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine.

Oscar: Michael, I'm gonna set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator, you'll meet with this guy, you...
Michael: Ugh... no, no, no, we are gonna leave Jan out of this.
Oscar: She has to know!
Michael: We will find another way! We'll ask Powerpoint.
Oscar: Michael this is a presentation tool.
Michael: *You* are a presentation tool, if you think I'm gonna tell Jan about this
[Oscar gets up to leave]
Oscar: I'm done.
Michael: No, you're not. Ok. You're not a tool.

Oscar: I was going to quit, but Jan offered me a 3-month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do is sign something saying I won't sue. Gil and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.

Oscar: When I was younger, I always wanted to be an actor in commercials, then I realized I had a brain.

Oscar: [Looking at Kevin fidgeting] What are you doing?
Kevin: I'm trying to decide if I have time to pee.
Oscar: How long does it take you to pee?
Kevin: The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on.

Kevin: That's only 20 minutes from now. The pie shop is 13 miles away. So at 55 miles an hour, that just gives us 5 minutes to spare.
Angela: So wait, when pies are involved you can suddenly do math in your head?
Oscar: Hold on, Kevin. How much is 19154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Kevin: 314 pies.
Oscar: What if it were salads?
Kevin: Well... it's the... carry the 4... it doesn't work.

Oscar: I know you saw me with the Senator. I think I'm in love, possibly for the first time. So yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair. I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity, and discretion.
[turns to see Kevin has overheard him]
Oscar: ... Why?

Oscar: Michael is leaving. And apparently they've already hired a new manager. And we're meeting him today. It's a lot to process. Paperwork wise.

Andy: So Jan, tell my intended about the miracle of childbirth.
[Angela rolls her eyes]
Jan: Well actually, I uh, I had a tub birth. That was really, really quite amazing.
Angela: You gave birth in a *tub*?
Jan: Yeah, it's... it's a really nice transition from womb to, to world, you know? Kinda like a big womb...
Kelly: Umm, so you're in the tub with... everything?
Jan: Oh yeah, the afterbirth floats. Yeah.
Creed: Must be like the tide at Omaha Beach.
Jan: Oh no, it's actually really hygienic, Creed.
Creed: [shakes his head] Ugh...
Stanley: I'm done.
[walks out]
Oscar: Me too.
[follows Stanley]

[during the intervention, Michael reads questions to Meredith]
Michael: "Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church?"
Oscar: Where did you get this?
Michael: I got it on a website. That's not important.

Phyllis: Why isn't Dwight turning around?
Oscar: The Prius is silent if he keeps it under 5 miles per hour. He deserves the win.

Oscar: So, in order to recoup the value of items we liked, we have to spend more money on things we don't want.
Angela: Who would *ever* come to this?
Michael: I don't know, it could be any number of people. It could be a pedestrian. It could be... uh, old person. I could be a looky-loo. Or, it could be... a Bruce Springsteen fan. What? Who said that? I did. Why did I say that? Oh, I think you know why I said that. I think it is very apparent. I think it goes, without saying... Bear with me. There's a point there. But what is the point? I don't understand what he's saying. It seems a little shady, it seems a little foggy. Well, it's not a little foggy. There's really something going on...
Jim: [interrupts] Do you need us for any of this?
Michael: ...Do I?

Oscar: Both my parents were born in Mexico. And they moved to the United States a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States. My parents were Mexican.
Michael: Wow. Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American dream right there, right? Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides "Mexican" that you prefer? Something less offensive?

Oscar: I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years! Time is a son of a bitch.

Angela: How much have you revealed on camera about your relationship with the Senator.
Oscar: They caught us kissing on Halloween,
Angela: [gasps] He was dressed like Ronald Reagan!
[slaps Oscar]
Oscar: Ow! Angela! Well, he kissed like Ted Kennedy.
[Angela slaps him again]

Oscar: The stock symbol for Dunder Mifflin is DMI, which stands for Dummies, Morons, and Idiots, because you have to be one to own their stock. And being one of those idiots, I believe the board of directors owes me some answers.

Dwight: [about Tallahassee trip] Oh, I'm sorry Stanley. I can't share any more details with you. You see, Andy rejected you.
Meredith: Wait, Kathy gets to go? Why does she even still work here? Pam is back.
Oscar: It just feels like a slap in the face.
Dwight: I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices. I'm sure he had his reasons.
Oscar: We're not questioning his reasons. I just want to know what they are.
Dwight: I know, you and me both, brother. It seemed kind of random to me, but he was pretty clear. On who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.
Kevin: Well, he nailed it. Because I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape.

Creed: Hey, coz. Heard you're having money problems.
Michael: No, you didn't.
Creed: Listen, I got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.
Creed: [in confessional] Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to
[holds up a fake passport]
Creed: William Charles Schneider.
Michael: How would that help, Creed? In Monopoly, you go bankrupt, you lose.
Creed: You don't go by Monopoly, man. That game is *nuts*. Nobody just pick up Get Out of Jail Free cards. Those things cost thousands.
Michael: That is a good point.
Creed: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature's do-over. It's a fresh start. It's a clean slate.
Michael: Like the Witness Protection Program.
Creed: [simultaneously] Exactly.
Oscar: [simultaneously] Not at all.

Oscar: Thank you.
- That is an amusing link.
- I'd like it sent to me, please.
- Me, too, Oscar, please send it to me. Yeah, totally.
- Yeah, me, too.
- Angela, this is inappropriate.
- This is my favorite day.

- Hey, everybody,
- I'm going to leave, and I just wanted to say
- I'm really sorry.
- Cheeseburger or hamburger?
- Cheeseburger.
Oscar: Nard-dog.
- Thanks, Oscar.

Michael: May I have your attention, please? This office will not be using any new technology ever, starting now.
Ryan: That is not correct.
Michael: Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well, guess what? I just drove my car into a lake.
Oscar: You did what?
Michael: I drove my car... into a fucking lake!

Oscar: Yes. I am super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company in Scranton. Much like Sir Ian McKellen.

Dwight: Most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook. Which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.
Oscar: How would anyone even know...
Dwight: Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook?

Jim: Holly, will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Stanley: Marry me, Holly.
Holly: No.
Michael: That guy's got more than he can handle as it is.
Oscar: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: That marriage would be a sham.
Gabe: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: Easy no.
Angela: Will you marry me?
Holly: No.
Michael: That would be hot. I would pay to see that.
Ryan: Will you marry me, Holly?
Holly: No.
Michael: Only one that I was kind of worried about.

Oscar: I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls.
Kelly: I know, right? Probably a lot.
Angela: Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go?
Kelly: OK, Angela. I love your enthusiasm. All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say "Customer Service, this is Kelly!" Except don't say "Kelly," say your own name. Or if you're bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones,
[in an English accent]
Kelly: and I talked like this for the whole conversation!
Kevin: Oh! Can I be
[horrible Australian accent]
Kevin: Australian, mate?
Kelly: [in accent] Absolutely!
Kevin: [in accent] 'ello, mate!
Kelly: [in accent] I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend.
Kevin: [in accent] I like ice cream too, mate. Alligators and dingo babies.

Jim: I just proved that he gives his cell out to everybody.
Pam: Or you just proved that he thinks you're gay.
Oscar: He doesn't think Jim is gay. A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes.

Oscar: Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.

Michael: Daddy's here, and Daddy is going to take care of you.
Oscar: Please don't refer to yourself as our daddy.
Michael: I am your big daddy, and I am going to kiss the boo-boo.

[during a talking head]
Kevin: Are you kidding me? Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile. They're just keeping it a secret.
[to Oscar, who's sitting next to him]
Kevin: Right?
Oscar: I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods. Could be other things.
Kevin: [incredulous] Are you KIDDING me?

Oscar: The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party. And you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there, but the kid's having a really good time, so you... You're kind of there. That's... That's kind of what it's like.

- Yes!
Andy: Yeah!
Oscar: Are you okay?
Michael: Very nicely done.
Oscar: Are you okay, Stanley?
- Excuse me.
Dwight: Wow.
- All right, papa bear.

Michael: Look at that.
Oscar: Huh?
Michael: Nice!
Oscar: I love cycling. Andy, I feel like a tourist in my own city. I literally can't wait to wake up every morning.
Pam: Okay.
Michael: She is a beaut!
Dwight: Can't beat a horse. A horse is a bike that peddles itself.
Oscar: Yes, it is.
Michael: Oh, look at that.
[pushing bike]
Michael: Smooth roll.
Oscar: Yeah.
Kevin: You got it! Lance Armstrong's Bike!
Oscar: Yes.
Meredith: His ass was on that seat? Alright!
Kevin: Nice.
Oscar: No, Meredith, that's not his actual bicycle, but it is the same exact model he uses.
Kelly: I'm on Sheryl Crow's side in that whole thing, so I feel really weird right now.
Pam: [crashing sound] Michael!
Michael: Oh, god!
Oscar: Oh...

Pam: [Looking at Erin's phone, who's playing Scrabble against Gabe] K-A. "Ka"? What does "Ka" mean?
Oscar: It means you're playing someone who's going to destroy you.
[Looks at Erin's phone]
Oscar: Why did you play "moo"?
Erin: Because I'm playing to win. I'm playing "moo," I'm playing "milk." Whatever it takes.
Oscar: Okay, but look, you could have hit "mood." Would have played a... Triple word.
Erin: Uh! Like the cow mood yesterday. God.
Oscar: Or "moon"?
Erin: The cow jumped over the moon
Oscar: She's stuck on that one thing...
Pam: You know it doesn't have to just be cow stuff, right?

Kevin: You think we should go?
- I don't know, Kevin.
- I mean, this is important.
- I don't want... there he is.
Kevin: What is he doing?
Oscar: I don't know.

Darryl: In the warehouse, we'd use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly roll, Michael was Dennis the Menace, Ryan was Douchebag.
Ryan: Hey, that's not a code name, that's just an insult.
Oscar: Plus, everyone would know who you meant.
Ryan: Yeah.

- Our office has an unusually large number of unusually large people.
- This is an abomination!
- Come on, you got this!
Oscar: So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.

Oscar: [Erin goes under her desk and pulls out a sock puppet she then holds over her desk] Erin, what are you doing?
Erin: I've been turned into a puppet!
Oscar: Okay.
[walks away]
Kevin: [laughs excitedly and runs over to the puppet] Look at the puppet! Hi puppet! Who are you?
Erin: I went to go drop off the FedEx forms and an evil witch named... Angela turned me into a puppet!
[Angela frowns in annoyance at her]
Kevin: [laughs] Low blow puppet!
Erin: And there's only one thing that can turn me back into a real girl
Kevin: [to the audience] It's good. It's just that I wish the puppets would talk more about the alphabet. Not for me... but, if any kids are watching... A, B, and so forth. You know... M-N-L-O, P... F...

Jim: [after Pam invites him to the Finer Things Club] Angela's Ashes, top of the morning to it. Frankie's prose is finer than a pot of gold, say aye.
Oscar: Ok, did you get it out of your system?
Jim: Yep. No, I mean I really liked it. That was a fun read.
Toby: Fun?
Jim: Mm-hm.
Toby: Really?
Jim: Yeah.
Toby: What was fun about it for you? Was it the death of the twins?
Jim: Uh, no, that wasn't... fun.
Toby: Did you even read it?
Jim: Of course I read it.
Oscar: How does it end?
[Jim clears his throat]
Jim: Who is the main character?
Jim: Angela. Nope, the ashes.
Pam: [Mouthing to Oscar] Sorry.

Oscar: Angela's divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that now it's Angela who's living in the closet.

- Just give me another chance.
Oscar: But your mouth is...
- This is a bloodbath.
- All right, I'm calling this.
- What? It's enough of this.
- Everyone, let's go back to work.
- This is a stupid activity.
- This is not okay.
- I would be embarrassed to be good at it.
- Idiots!

Michael: And I had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people.
Pam: What?
Michael: Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget.
[clears throat]
Michael: Jim, you're 6'11", and you weigh 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela, where's Angela? Well, there you are. I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted.
[Stanley starts to laugh]
Michael: Oscar, you are...
[starts giggling]
Michael: Oscar, you're gay.
Oscar: Wow.
Michael: Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck and you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted.

Ryan: What I really want, honestly Michael, is for you to know it so that you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael: [chuckles] Okay.
Ryan: What?
Michael: It's 'whoever', not 'whomever'.
Ryan: No, it's 'whomever'.
Michael: No, 'whomever' is never actually right.
Jim: Well, sometimes it's right.
Creed: Michael is right. It's a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy: No. Actually, 'whomever' is the formal version of the word.
Oscar: Obviously it's a real word, but I don't know when to use it correctly.
Michael: [to camera] Not a native speaker.
Kevin: I know what's right, but I'm not gonna say because you're all jerks who didn't come see my band last night.

Michael: [Michael has called Oscar faggy without knowing Oscar is gay] Listen, man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.
Oscar: Oh, it's fine. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Michael: No. No. No, it's not. I just... I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people faggy since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way. You know? I'm just... I... I can't even imagine the thing... Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime and you could tell me how you do that to another dude.
Oscar: That sounds like a great, wonderful idea. Let's do that.

Oscar: So typical of management to spend money like this. Bunch of boobs.
Michael: Hate to break it to you Oscar, but some of us like boobs.

Oscar: Hey, if you're into yoga, I take a great bikram class in Dickson City.
Holly: Oh thanks, I should check that out.
Oscar: Also, and no pressure, but the teacher? He's a catch.
Holly: Actually I'm a lesbian.
Oscar: I'm gay!
Holly: [Awkwardly] I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that. It's a stupid joke.
Oscar: What's the joke?
Holly: N-no, th-there is no joke. I-I just said it because I haven't had much luck lately and I'm not really looking to date, so... maybe I *should* switch to women
Oscar: Oh, you think it's a choice?
Holly: Uhm... I'm gonna head back to my work area.
Oscar: [laughing] I'm messing with you, Holly.

Dwight: [Toby uses tester on wall as Erin marks wall with red tape X] Oh, god.
Phyllis: What's going on?
Dwight: Nothing! Nothing is going on. Keep moving, please.
Stanley: What's he measuring?
Dwight: Okay, excuse me. I am the landlord. This is between me and the management, no one else. Please.
Toby: It's an EMF hotspot.
Phyllis: [Gasps] Oh my god!
Oscar: It stands for electromagnetic field, generally caused by a concentration of wiring in one area
[Erin marks red tape X on the floor]
Oscar: especially if they're poorly insulated. Dwight.
Andy: Um, Okay I'm just walking into this. Am I to understand there is a bee hive in the wall?
Toby: You think I have a machine for measuring bee hives?
Andy: I was just asking a question, Toby. How are you not murdered every hour?
Stanley: Well I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.
Dwight: Okay, listen. Everything here is up to code.

[first lines]
Pam: Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Jim: Oh, great.
Jim: "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy." Oh, that's not good.
Phyllis: Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
Pam: It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Jim: Stanley doesn't have a moustache.
Pam: Yeah, he does.
Oscar: Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.
Pam: Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?
Phyllis: Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.
Pam: Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Jim: Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Angela: Because we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Pam: Okay, which one of these looks more right?
[holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache]
Dwight: Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
Gabe: [bell dings] Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Jim: Okay, quick. Who says moustache?
[Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands]
Dwight: Yep.
Jim: Who says no moustache?
[Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley's face]
Gabe: [reveals Stanley's moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha!
Phyllis: He does have a moustache.
Dwight: Yes!
Pam: Welcome back, Stanley.
[Stanley grunts]

Kevin: I insult you, Oscar.
Oscar: What?
Kevin: I insult you. To your face.
Oscar: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kevin: Then why don't you do something about it?
Oscar: Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you in the face with my pie?
Kevin: You don't have the guts. You stupid. Dumb. Doo-Doo face.

- Yeah? What? Michael left.
- Okay. Where did he go?
- I don't know.
- Well, is he coming right back?
Oscar: I don't think so.
- I'll be right there.

Stanley: You find anything?
Kevin: We think it's a straightforward kidnapping.
Oscar: Stanley, could you look up accomplices?
Stanley: Why can't you guys do it?
Oscar: Because we're looking up jail time.

Oscar: Don't you want to see the baby?
Dwight: Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.

Oscar: I want to get that image out of my head.
- The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat are not things
- I want to go into.
- Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball.
- Don't look up. Don't look up.

Dwight: [thinking Oscar has once been a potential drug mule] Have you ever pooped a balloon?
Oscar: Okay, I'm done with this.
[Oscar exits]
Dwight: [to the camera] He sure left in a hurry.

Kevin: Oh, hello, Oscar. How was your gaycation?
Oscar: That's very funny.
Kevin: [Proudly smiles] Yeah? I thought of that like two seconds after you left.

Andy: Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on using...
[Stanely laughing]
Andy: ...this pencil.
Stanley: [laughs even harder] Oh, God!
Andy: What?
Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
Andy: Well, I'm not going to use my penis, Oscar. It's not exactly hard right now, anyway.
Meredith: Come on. Give it a rest, pencil
Andy: I'm doing this for *you*, Meredith!
Meredith: I didn't want it!
Andy: Well, didn't you? Why didn't... Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now?
[throws pizza against the wall and storms out of the conference room]

Oscar: [Speaking to the camera] Robert seems great. He's very handsome. Firm handshake. He's gay. Good sense of humor.

Oscar: Look, it doesn't take a genius to know that any organization thrives when it has two leaders.
Oscar: Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes.

Jim: All right, well, enjoy the alumni game.
Dwight: Good, we have a deal?
Jim: Thanks, Janet.
Dwight: Thanks so much, Earl.
Jim: Wow, simultaneous sale.
Dwight: And they said it couldn't be done. Boom!
Jim: Screw 'em.
Andy: Lot going on, guys. What's happening?
Jim: Binghamton branch closed last night and their clients are up for grabs.
Andy: That was a fine branch. Things are really bad under Robert California, I guess. It's like a festival of poo.
Jim: Hey, hey, come on, language.
Dwight: Yeah, and we're not interested in your sour grapes, okay? Jim, tell him where he can stick his grapes.
Jim: In the fridge.
Dwight: No, Jim, the butt, in his butt.
Jim: Sorry, man, I can't focus on zingers. There's too many potential clients.
Stanley: You two better watch yourselves.
Phyllis: Yeah, the Syracuse branch can't be happy you're taking New York clients.
Robert: Shh... shh...
[vomits in trash can]
Jim: Robert?
Oscar: Why did Binghamton close?
Robert: Can everyone just, please... I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and - how should I say this - Columbian whites. What - what is this about, uh, Binghamton?
Kevin: The branch closed. Forever.

Andy: Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please?
Stanley: Not again.
Andy: What do you mean "again"?
Stanley: You're always asking for our attention.
Andy: Well, maybe like a year ago.
Stanley: Mmm. Seems recent.
Andy: No, that's...
Oscar: Andy, the reason it seems more recent is because many of us here have never stood up and asked for everyone's attention, and it seems like you've done it on several occasions.
Andy: Everyone, I've noticed that we've not been entirely kind to one of our own, due to stigmas and prejudices.
Phyllis: Oh! When you got your new phone, that's when you asked for everyone's attention.
Stanley: World Cup. That's what I was thinking. You kept announcing scores.
Oscar: That's right.
Andy: It's the world's only international sport, so...

Michael: Oscar, you brought your Speedo, I assume?
Oscar: I don't wear a Speedo, Michael.
Michael: Well, you can't swim in leather pants.

Oscar: He's making a statement. It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.
Kevin: You keep think that.

Oscar: Our office has an unusually large number of, unusually large people. So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time.

Oscar: [about Michael] And just like that, as mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone.

Oscar: Michael, are you having money problems?
Michael: Monkey problems? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?
Oscar: I know you heard me correctly.
Michael: [sighs] Oh, I hate monkeys.

Michael: Okay, I have an announcement.
Oscar: You pushed Darryl out the window?
Michael: No.
Phyllis: You shot Dwight?
Michael: No.

- Okay. Okay, guys.
- Here we go. We'll see you.
- How do you feel?
- Drive carefully! Good luck!
- Bye!
Oscar: Good luck!
- False alarm.

Oscar: Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey into the office, like Pepe.

Oscar: Hey, where's Dwight?
Jim: You didn't hear?
Creed: Decapitated. Whole big thing. We had a funeral for a bird.
[Oscar is astounded]
Jim: I'm pretty sure none of that's real.
Creed: [Angrily] You are not real, man.

Angela: [deleted scene] My name is Angela and, um, I'm in charge of the accounting department. There are three of us, Kevin and Oscar.
Oscar: It's my job to keep the books in order. And, um, I... I'm, uh, immediately below my supervisor.
Angela: Oscar, how do I describe him. He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I'm still the one that has to push it down.
Oscar: There's a lot of anxiety. I don't want to get laid off. This place is like five minutes from my house.
Kevin: I don't wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me. 'Cause I need my nights free. I'm in a band.
Angela: Not very worried about downsizing right now. Because, uh, I think you've met Kevin and, um...
Oscar: Can I just say one thing? Um, my friend is Jewish, Art Geller. And a couple of years ago he, um, showed me how you can plant a tree in Israel, so I planted a tree. So... You know, 'cause... Yeah, we work in paper. Well, you know, I try to give back.
Angela: I have a lot of cat figurines on my desk. I think cats, really, are old souls. And, uh, Phyllis thinks so too.

Andy: Morning, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
Andy: Don't care. Tell me later.
Kevin: Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.
Andy: What do you got?
Kelly: Oh, my god!
Phyllis: Do you have a black eye?
Andy: Yes, I do. Phyllis.
Kevin: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Andy: What?
Kevin: It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.
Darryl: Andy, who punched you?
Meredith: Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?
Angela: Black eye, Meredith.
Kelly: Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed; it's like my life is buffering.
Andy: Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam...
Pam: That's true.
Andy: They had, uh... weapons.
Pam: Weapons.
Andy: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Pam: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Andy: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
Pam: Thank goodness he was there.
Oscar: Good job, Andy.
Kevin: Yeah
[all murmuring]
Andy: I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.

Oscar: If either of these guys are put in charge of the office, I will transfer to Albany. Gil can come if he wants. I'm kinda looking for a way out of that relationship anyway. I think I might try girls for a while. Angela thinks I can cross over. We'll see.

Michael: Hey, Should I bring a dictionary to the hospital?
Oscar: The Hospital will provide dictionaries... Bring a thesaurus

Kevin: [Kevin's voice in a video of Cookie Monster] Oscar, Toby said he left my Girl Scout cookies on my chair. Have you seen them? Wait I'm sitting on them.
[all laugh]
Andy: This is awesome!
Oscar: Thank you. It didn't even take that long.
Kevin: [Cookie Monster with Kevin's voice] What's the difference between a chimichanga,
[Kevin arrives behind the group]
Kevin: a chalupa, and a tostada? Call me back ASAP. It's urgent.
[Kevin speaking]
Kevin: This isn't funny. I don't talk like that.
[all continue laughing]
Phyllis: Say "Me eat cookie."
Kevin: No. I won't say it.
Dwight: Why is everyone clumped around accounting? Break it up, you clique.
Ryan: It's Kevin as Cookie Monster from Sesame Street.
Dwight: [gets up and starts to walk to Oscar's desk] Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio?
Phyllis: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: I love that show.
Kevin: [Cookie Monster with Kevin's voice] This is Kevin. This is Kevin.
Ryan: Good work, buddy.
Oscar: Thank you.
Dwight: That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me, please.
Oscar: Yes.
Kelly: Me, too Oscar.
Ryan: C.C. me.
Kevin: Angela, this is inappropriate.
Angela: This is my favorite day.

Michael: Okay. So this is the disputed poster. Now, one at a time, I want you to express your feelings, using "I" emotion language, and no judging or "you" statements.
Angela: I got this poster for Christmas and I feel I want to see it every day. It makes me feel like the babies are the true artists, and God has a really cute sense of humor.
Michael: Come on. Seriously, that?
Oscar: I don't like looking at it. It's creepy and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who forced the babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art, it destroys souls. This is so much more offensive to me than hard core porn.

Deangelo: So, coasting time is officially over. Big changes are coming, and they're coming fast. If you don't like 'em, this is called a door. You can walk right through it. Alright? I'm not here to be your friend. I like my life outside of this place. I live to leave at five. Change number one: Darryl. Per your request, the company is sending you to business school at night. Full ride, deal with it.
Darryl: Seriously?
Deangelo: Stone cold seriously!
[Talking head]
Deangelo: They are trying to figure me out and I don't like it. Once they figure me out, they start to tell me what I want to hear. And I need to quickly figure out who's a good worker and who is simply a good mind reader. Because as soon as I'm hearing what I want to hear, I'm not gonna care.
[Back to conference room]
Deangelo: Change two: Toby, you're getting a new chair.
Toby: Thanks.
Deangelo: Don't thank me. Hey, don't thank me, guy. Okay? And I don't care if you like them.
Oscar: These sound like good ideas. Why wouldn't we like them?
Deangelo: I don't care what your favorite flavor is. Here's a bowl of ice cream, you either like it or you don't. That's my attitude right now in this room, that's my attitude on Ice Cream Thursdays. Alright? Clear? Any questions?
Kevin: This all sounds great to me. But I can see how some people might think that they're bad. I don't know what to think.
Deangelo: That is a stu... an astute observation, Kevin.
[talking head]
Deangelo: Kev's got me pegged.

Oscar: Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically you lie like a plank in weird places. That's it. Sometimes you get run over. Welcome to the internet.
Erin: Planking is one of those things where... Hey, you either get it or you don't.
Erin: And I don't. But I am so excited to be a part of it!

Andy: Everyone stop what you're doing. I have terrible news. Dwight is no longer with us.
Angela: What?
Andy: He's gone, dammit! He's been promoted to VP of Sabre Retail, and he's staying in Florida forever.
Angela: So he's alive?
Andy: Yeah. That was him on the phone. He sounds wonderful.
Angela: Well, the way you said it made it sound like he was dead.
Andy: How could I have been more clear? He had a massive stroke of good fortune and he is now in a better place.

Dwight: What's going on in here?
Oscar: Andy bought lunch.
Dwight: Oh, no, really?
Andy: Yep, yep. Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness.
Dwight: There is no book; there's only a survival guide.

Andy: I think that Dwight wanted us to realize that this conversation among friends is the true treasure.
[everyone disagrees]
Oscar: I am dying to know what's in there.
Andy: Yeah, I know Oscar; we all are, but nobody's gonna open it. You'd have to be insane.
[everyone turns to look at Creed]
Creed: Hi, hello.

Meredith: [talking about Michael] I can't believe he has a second job.
Oscar: He's not even good at his first one.

Oscar: Your office is full of genitalia.
Michael: [clears throat] Oh. Eso es lo que dice, el!
Oscar: "That's what he says?"
Michael: Damn it.
[knock on door]
Michael: Ah, Angelo.
Angela: Angela.
[Michael sticks post-it on Angela's forehead with female genitalia]
Angela: Michael!
Michael: Yo soy Cancun.
Angela: [removes post-it, leaves] Uhh!

Andy: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
Michael: He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.
[starts drinking coffee]
Michael: Mmm! It's not cappuccino.
Oscar: He messed yours up, too.
Darryl: He's got to go, Mike.
Michael: It's just coffee, guys. But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

Jim: [leading games during a fire drill] All right, let's move on. Let's move on to the main event, "Who would you do?"
Kevin: Present company excluded?
Jim: Not necessarily.
Kevin: Pam.
Oscar: Pam.
[cut to look of shock on Pam's face]
Jim: Um... Okay. You know what? Maybe I'll finish explaining the rules. Let me explain it first and then...

Michael: She won't say "I love you."
Andy: How many dates have you been on?
Michael: Nine dates. I said it on the second date.
Oscar: That seems... Quick. Even for lesbians.

Michael: Ohhh.
Michael: No, we can't do that. We can't do this.
Michael: Ohhh.
Holly: You're not touching me.
Michael: I don't know what your body feels like 'cause I can't touch it.
Oscar: Okay, this is much worse than before.
Kevin: I agree. This is nasty.
Michael: I'll grab you here.
Holly: And here.
Michael: And I will grab you here anyway.

Oscar: I consider myself a good person, but I'm gonna try to make him cry.

Oscar: [In the kitchen, reading the note left by Pam yet unaware of who left it] "To whoever made the microwave mess: the microwave is a shared kitchen appliance. By not cleaning it up you are basically telling whoever follows that their time is less valuable as they will have to scrub up your disgusting splatter. Sincerely, disappointed."
Andy: That is just obnoxious.
Oscar: No kidding.
Pam: Yeah. Wait, what? The mess or the note?
Oscar: The note. It's so holier than thou.
Angela: Hmm... i liked it.
Pam: Don't you think the person who left the mess is the obnoxious one?
Andy: No... the note is *way* more obnoxious than the mess.
Meredith: "Sincerely, disappointed". Get off your high horse, richie.
Pam: Just because someone likes things clean doesn't mean they're rich.
Meredith: Ah, they're rich.
Pam: [At the conference room] Yeah, I wrote the note. I'm not ashamed of it, I'm not proud of it, it is what it is.
Angela: [At the conference room, different take] Everyone keeps asking me if I wrote the note on the microwave. It was rude and condescending, and a little snotty
Angela: I wish I had written it.