Top 50 Quotes From Darryl Philbin

Darryl: Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week. I figure I'll start slow.
Dwight: Is that the same philosophy you apply to Buffalo wings?

Michael: We'll get someone to clean that up.
Darryl: We're the ones that gotta clean that up!

Darryl: Consider it a wuphf in person.
Andy: You're doing the wrong thing. You're going to lose Michael's investment, you're going to lose ours.
Darryl: You got this crazy opportunity to get our money back! Tell Mike to sell!
Andy: If you tell Michael to sell, he'll sell.
Ryan: I'm betting on myself.
Stanley: It's a bad bet.
Michael: Hello.
Ryan: Hey. It's an ambush here. Nobody here believes in this company. Will you tell them they are wrong?
Darryl: It's not that we don't believe in the company, we don't believe in you.
Andy: All in those in favor of selling, say aye.
[the four investors say aye]
Michael: I... do not agree to see, which is to say nay.
Darryl: What is wrong with you? What happened to you in high school?
Stanley: Michael, are you that blind?
Michael: I'm not blind! I know exactly who he is. He is selfish and lazy and image-obsessed, and he is a bad friend. And he's also clever. And he shoots incredibly high, and he may just make it. But you know what? Even if he doesn't, I would rather go broke betting on my people, than get rich all by myself, on some island like a castaway. And there is no middle ground.
Andy: You're gonna lose all of our money.
Michael: Only if he fails. And you know what? Ryan, I believe in you. Just like I believe in all of you. You have nine days to save everybody's money.
Ryan: Oh... Uh, That's a lot of pressure. I'm gonna need some more time.
Michael: You can't have it.
Ryan: Okay. I won't let you down.

Darryl: There was a time when the only people who texted you were people you wanted to text you. Girls. And they'd all say the same thing. "I'm coming over, baby." And I would text back, "BTB": bring that booty.

Pam: Hey. How you doing?
Darryl: Thinking about my grandmother a lot.
Pam: Yeah.
Darryl: She was about to turn 97.
Pam: At least she lived a very long and I'm sure a very happy life. Got you this card. When you're ready. We all signed it. We just wanted you to know we're thinking about you.
Darryl: Thank you. "Congratulations, Darryl. Let's get wasted." "Have fun today, big guy." "Aww, yeah. Party time. Whoo-whoop."
Pam: It's possible that some people thought it was your birthday.
Darryl: "Hooray. Live it up big D. " "Days like this don't come often enough. Time to celebrate. You deserve this"?
Andy: Birthday punches!
[softly punching Darryl in the stomach]
Andy: One two three four five six seven eight...
Pam: I'm so sorry.
[tears well up in Darryl's eyes]
Andy: ...thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three twenty-four twenty-five twenty-six!...

Nellie: This next one goes to Darryl for pocket-dialing a customer while having sex.
Nellie: Oh, you salty dog!
Darryl: Well, you know, what can I say? A playa's gotta play.
Pete: There you go.
Darryl: [to the camera crew] Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti, but I'm a let them think the other thing.

Toby: Hey, you tricked me. You just wanted Kevin.
Darryl: You're new to the game. You learned a lesson today. See ya next year, sport.

Darryl: [trying to talk Michael out of jumping off the roof] Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well you got to be you.
Michael: Do you really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.

Darryl: [explaining to Michael why he doesn't want fire-eaters in the warehouse for Casino Night] We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
Michael: That's ironic.
Darryl: What?
Michael: That *you* are afraid.
Darryl: Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?
Michael: Dinkin flicka.
Darryl: [to film crew] I taught Mike some phrases to help him with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, "Fleece it out." "Going mach five." "Dinkin flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.
Michael: Give me some.
[Mike and Darryl do choreographed handshake]
Darryl: [laughing] Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.

Darryl: You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for asian homosexuals?
Glenn: They did not.
Darryl: And you got half a million of these?
[holds up a can]
Darryl: Well, I gotta try it.
Glenn: I wouldn't.
Darryl: Oh come on, what's the harm?
[opens the can and takes a sip]
Darryl: What flavor is that?
Hidetoshi: Coconut Penis.
Darryl: The coconut is... Pretty subtle.

Dwight: [Irate that Kelly is buying from the computer that he is competing with] What're you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts!
Kelly: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says 'Thanks for shopping at Dunder Mifflin!'
Dwight: Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!
Darryl: Who knows?
Dwight: [Snatches ream of paper from Darryl and yells at Kelly] Return it! Return it now!
Darryl: [Snatches the ream back] Hey! How 'bout stop yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over 500 sheets of paper and you get back to your desk. Start selling multiple reams, like a man?
Dwight: Y-you don't understand. Okay, if this makes the difference
[points at the ream of paper]
Dwight: I'm gonna tell It that YOU were responsible.
Darryl: [with a threatening voice] Who's "It"?

- I'm not supposed to say.
- Yes, tell me!
- Tell me where he is!
- Mose! Damn it! Where did he go?
- Mose, get back here!
Darryl: See that smile.
- Jump in here. Come on.

Darryl: [working out at Dwight's new gym] Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week. I figure I'll start slow.
Dwight: Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like LeBron James!
Darryl: It's LeJon Brames.
Dwight: That's what I said.

Darryl: While I got you on the phone, your husband's like a sloppy homeless hobo. Can you fix that?
Pam: Yeah, I was kind of hoping you could.

Darryl: All I need is Kevin. Dude buys more cookies than everyone combined, and then some. When I first started selling cookies, he was a relatively thin man. Not a thin man, mind you. Relatively thin.

Darryl: Just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.

Erin: Don't you guys have that place where you used to spend you summers and have all those memories?
Darryl: I worked at a Jiffy Lube.
Erin: See, I bet you wouldn't sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world. Would you, Darryl?
Darryl: I would, if I owned it and went broke.

Darryl: Everyday when I came into work, all I wanted to do was leave. So why in the world does it feel so hard to leave right now?

Darryl: [Speaking to the camera] When I worked in the warehouse I was part of that lotto pool. They won. Playing my birthday.

- Yeah. But thanks, seriously.
- Sure. Okay.
Darryl: Yes!
- Yes, what'd I tell you?
- I knew he'd turn up.
- You see that?
- This is the greatest night of my life.

Darryl: I gave up a lot of weekends because I thought it would be good for my daughter to see a black man as president, even in a silly home movie. What a stupid waste of time.

[kids see Michael pretending to hang from a noose]
Michael: Kids, just remember. Suicide is never the answer. All right?
[in talking head]
Michael: Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message?
[to kids]
Michael: It is the easy way out. You are not alone.
Darryl: What the hell is wrong with you?
Michael: [short silence] Who wants candy?

Darryl: Let's split up the office. You can have sales, the annex, Creed, and I don't know, I'll just take uh, accounting.
Toby: That's it? Yeah, well okay. Thanks Darryl.

Darryl: What'd I tell you about building forts in my warehouse?

Michael: Guys! I want you to help us work on some banter.
Kevin: Yes! I love banter. But I hate witty banter.
Michael: Here we go! So, DeAngelo! You and I have a lot in common. You lost two hundred pounds, and I lose my car keys every morning.
Deangelo: That is true, we do share some similarities. I know how you can fix one of those problems, for me it was portion control. For you, you need a key chain. Maybe one with a...
Michael: [cutting him off] Okay, okay. You know what, I didn't actually lose my keys.
Deangelo: This did not happen.
Michael: Mmmmkay. There needs to be what you call a rat-a-tat. And right now it's all rat and no tat. Ryan come on up here. Tap DeAngelo out. Just watch this. Okay.
[Ryan stands next to Michael up front]
Michael: Ryan how are you today?
Ryan: Why don't you ask my therapist? My mom certainly pays her enough.
Michael: There you go! Lovely! Regis and Kelly! Nice! Use that as an inspiration. Just be funny.
Deangelo: Uhhh, you sir!
[points to Jim]
Deangelo: Are we having fun tonight?
Jim: Having a great time.
Deangelo: Oh good!
Jim: Thanks, yeah.
Deangelo: Where were you on September 11th?
Michael: No! God!
[Jim looks at him oddly]
Deangelo: This is so weird! If I'm conducting a meeting, good to go. But if I think of it as a performance... I-I fall apart. Obviously.
Andy: Why don't you think of hosting the Dundies like you're just running a meeting.
Michael: No, no, no! This is the performance of your life!
Jim: Why don't you just, privately, in your own head, think of it like a meeting.
Michael: Jim, please no loopholes.
Darryl: Mike, why do you have to control how he perceives it in his mind?
Michael: This is my last Dundies ever. If I want mind control over him, is that too much to ask?

Andy: That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.
Michael: He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.
[starts drinking coffee]
Michael: Mmm! It's not cappuccino.
Oscar: He messed yours up, too.
Darryl: He's got to go, Mike.
Michael: It's just coffee, guys. But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

Darryl: It's not worth it.
Kevin: No, it's not worth it? That's too bad, 'cause I was feeling particularly hungry this year.
Darryl: Yeah okay, so what? You buy 40 boxes?
Kevin: Hungrier.
Toby: 50?
Kevin: Hungrier.
Darryl: You're not talkin' triple digits?
Kevin: Oh yeah. I'm talking triple digits.

Darryl: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretended to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys.

Darryl: Me and Val were going nowhere, and if I'm gonna be working in Philly I'm gonna need my freedom. So I convinced Val to break up with me. Here's how you do it. You say, "what are you gonna do, break up with me?" Like, as a joke. And then you gain a lot of weight.

Darryl: Is it any particular branch of Washington University?
Ryan: The Washington University Public Health Fund.
Darryl: W - U - P - H - F.
Pam: Oh God.
Darryl: They only want it for the initials.
Ryan: The domain name, yeah, they do.

Darryl: In the warehouse, we'd use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly roll, Michael was Dennis the Menace, Ryan was Douchebag.
Ryan: Hey, that's not a code name, that's just an insult.
Oscar: Plus, everyone would know who you meant.
Ryan: Yeah.

[first lines]
[No one is talking in the office, Jim holds up sign that reads "We're on the longest silent streak in office history! Nobody has said anything in... 14 min!", Dwight hangs up on a phone call rather than speak, Andy sees a raccoon eating a hamburger and tries to describe it using charades, Kevin opens a candy bar and takes a bite]
Kevin: Oh yeah!
[Everyone says "Aww!"]
Dwight: Knew it! I knew it! Soon as I heard that wrapper.
Oscar: You really have to say "oh yeah" every time you eat a candy bar?
Kevin: I can't help it, Oscar. It's just really good.
[takes another bite]
Kevin: Oh yeah!
Jim: All right, not bad at all. I think we can beat 20 minutes though so let's try again. Get it all out now if you have to.
Andy: It was a raccoon! Eating a hamburger like a person!
Dwight: You need to stop banging your pen on your desk, or it's going to drive me insane.
Jim: Okay, done.
Erin: [shows bloody hand] Does anyone have a first aid kit?
Darryl: Check out this song I wrote: I'ma love you downstairs tonight...
[overlapping chatter]
Jim: Alright, here we go! Everybody get ready in three, two, good luck, one...

Darryl: We do safety training every year or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...
[cut to Michael]
Michael: [laughing hysterically] Hey, Darryl, how's it hanging?

Michael: [during safety training] Seasonal affective disorder. A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.
Darryl: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?

President: Scarn, you're right on time.
Michael: What's the situation, President Jackson?
President: It's your old enemy, Goldenface. As you're Goldenface tried to blow up the NFL All-Star game, the baseball All-Star game and the NBA All-Star game. You stopped him every time. Then, you took one day off to run a 20k with your friend Robin Williams.
Michael: One day off.
President: That was the day of the WNBA All-Star game. We all know what happened then.
Michael: My wife was in that game.
President: Now, he's after the NHL All-Star game. He's hidden a bomb somewhere in the stadium. Scarn, this one's personal for me. I own the stadium. I can't see it blown up. It's my retirement plan.
Samuel L. Chang: We have to search the stadium.
President: Not so fast. Goldenface has taken all of the concession stand workers hostage. We go in, he kills the hostages.
Samuel L. Chang: Why not just cancel the game?
President: Cost them too much money to cancel the game.
Michael: Money. It's always about money, isn't it? If I ever own a business, I'm not gonna care about money.
President: Scarn, will you find these hostages and save the game?
Michael: No. I don't think it's important enough. Just out of curiosity, what threat level is this?
President: I can't sugarcoat this. We're at Threat Level... Midnight!
Michael: Heads, I do it. Tails, I don't. Best out of seven. Heads, tails. Heads, tails. Heads, tails.
[he does a final coin toss where heads won]
Michael: Looks like there's gonna be a cleanup on aisle 5.

Dwight: My resolution is: Meet a loose woman.
Andy: That's a good one.
Dwight: Yeah?
Andy: You know what? That's my new one. I'm taking that one, too.
Darryl: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to 'em. "Hey, what book is that?" "Cool, lets hang out tonight." " Sex already? Whoa."
Andy: The bookstore?
Dwight: It's that easy?
Darryl: I'll come wit' you, show you how it's done.

Darryl: Sh. If we don't listen to the overture, we won't recognise the musical themes when they come back later.

Darryl: [On phone] Hello?... Justine!
[laughs]
Darryl: Nice surprise! How you doin' baby?... Nah. No no, I didn't win. When I got promoted I stop-... what?... Yeah. Yeah, Glenn won... Oh, you wanna call him? Yeah, you should call him, congratulate him. That'll be-... What?... Oh, his number's in your old phone. Oh, you know what? I might have it right-
[hangs up]
Darryl: Whoops.

Darryl: Damn that was cold.

Kelly: Well, I just need to know where this is going.
Darryl: Hey, I like you. All right? What's not to like? But you need to access your un-crazy side; otherwise, maybe this thing has run its course.

Andy: Morning, everyone.
Kevin: Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?
Andy: Don't care. Tell me later.
Kevin: Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.
Andy: What do you got?
Kelly: Oh, my god!
Phyllis: Do you have a black eye?
Andy: Yes, I do. Phyllis.
Kevin: I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?
Andy: What?
Kevin: It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.
Darryl: Andy, who punched you?
Meredith: Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?
Angela: Black eye, Meredith.
Kelly: Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed; it's like my life is buffering.
Andy: Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam...
Pam: That's true.
Andy: They had, uh... weapons.
Pam: Weapons.
Andy: I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.
Pam: But these were not the kind of people who use their words.
Andy: Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.
Pam: Thank goodness he was there.
Oscar: Good job, Andy.
Kevin: Yeah
[all murmuring]
Andy: I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.

Calvin,2265: [They see Madge eat lasagna from a pan] Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield, Garfield...
Meredith: That woman is a beast.

Darryl: I've been working out. But the problem is I've been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn't burned off yet. Awkward stage.

Darryl: No, this isn't a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw V.

Michael: You're on the street and one of your gang disses you.
Darryl: Oh my goodness.
Michael: Yeah, so, what do you do to get him to make it right?
Darryl: Well, see, um, in the gang world, we use something called fluffy fingers.
Michael: What is that?
Darryl: That's where if somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just start tickling them.
Michael: Really?
Darryl: Yeah. Then he starts tickling you. You know, pretty soon, you laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Y'all can just go to church together, and get ice cream cone.
Michael: I would have never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.

Darryl: My future isn't going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's going to be determined by two big black balls.

Michael: Hey, hey, hey. You idiot.
Darryl: Start over.

Toby: Hey Darryl, look, uh... We're here to apologize.
Darryl: Then we're cool.
Dwight: [notices the warehouse employees behind him] Wait! They're using the lift as their own personal elevator.
Toby: What?
Dwight: He broke his ankle climbing over the railing, then he lied about it because it was a misuse of company equipment. Case. Closed.
Darryl: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Dwight: Really? Then why is there new wood only on one railing? Hmm?
[to Toby]
Dwight: Let's just check the security tapes, Toby.
Toby: Well, you know, I don't think there's any reason to check 'em, but I suppose if you want to be really certain...
Darryl: Alright, yeah. Fine, so whatever.
Dwight: YES!
Toby: You really did it.
Dwight: Now, I would like to file an official complaint to corporate because Darryl lied on an official form.
Darryl: [rises to his feet] Then I'm telling 'em you guys sexually harassed my sister.
Dwight: [snorts] No judge is gonna believe that.
[Upon hearing this, Gwyneth also stands up next to Darryl and joins the tense stare-down. Dwight doesn't back down, but his eyes shift edgily between Darryl and Gwyneth]
Toby: [nervously] Okay... Look, we could all file complaints against each other and just drown in a sea of paperwork, but, you know, we'll just move on with our -- with our lives.
[Still engrossed in their confrontation, Dwight and Darryl ignore him]
Toby: [later, in the annex] So Dwight and Darryl came to an agreement that they would both file complaints against corporate, and now I get to do all this paperwork.
[pause]
Toby: We worked it out.

Darryl: Check out this song I wrote.
- I'm gonna love you downstairs tonight listen, I say...
- I mean, he looked like a little hamburglar.
- All right, here we go!
- Everybody, get ready in three, two... good luck. One.

Darryl: I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black president. I never realized how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really really gay president or a supermodel president.