Top 30 Quotes From Sex Drive

Lance: I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick. I mean, seriously, what are the odds?

Lance: Hey, Ian, Felicia. This is my boy Ezekiel.
Ezekiel: What up, English?

Rex: Ian, you're 18 and you've never had a girlfriend. That's how people wind up getting gay, you know?
Ian: I don't think that's really how it happens.
Rex: Tell me how it happens expert, ya cock expert, ya cockspert. Hey, what do you like better the shaft or the balls?
Ian: That's gross.
Rex: You like em both don't you. It's like, sometimes tuesday you want the big, old, shiny-ass cock. Wednesdays and Thursdays you're onto the balls.
Ian: I don't know what you're talking about.
Rex: You can't choose can you? Thats a tough one. You love it. You're obsessed with it.
Ian: No, you are, your talking about it.
Rex: Why are you smiling at me, I'm serious. Don't fucking smile at me, I'll knock you out of the god damn earth. What does it taste like? What's it like when you take your mouth off of it and its like, you can see your reflection in that fucking cock. Smack you in the face a little bit, you don't like that?
Ian: I don't eat...
Rex: Just like shiny, fucking stiff, throbbing, hot vascular mushroom head.
Ian: Ya ya.
Rex: Look, every guy has a fantasy about another guy, but you gotta bury that shit way down, this is America, goddammit.
Ian: There is, there is a girl. That I've been kinda...
Rex: Alright, I'm listening, where'd you meet her?
Ian: Um, on the, online.
Rex: [Slams car breaks on] What? For fuck's sake Ian, don't you watch "Dateline"? She's probably a guy. Some fat, old dude who wants to ram you in the tailpipe.
[Smiles]
Rex: But you'd love that wouldn't you, 'cause you're a homo!

Lance: I refuse to be embarrassed by a car that looks like a Trapper Keeper.

Ezekiel: No, I wouldn't know anything about your 69' GTO Judge, 455 Big Block, Ram-Air, 4.11 Posi... Somethin' like that? Weird... That thing must have fallen straight from space! Well, good luck with your future ride, spaceman!

Ian: Where do you guys get the confidence to, like, hit on every girl you see?
Randy: Cause we're the shit.
Andy: Yeah, you oughta know that, bitch.

Ian: Holy buckets... she wants me to give her the D!

Ian: [pointing to the redneck] You, Cornfed! You can punch my friend here, but just once.
Lance: Wait what? Come on man!
Ian: Dude, you slept with his girlfriend!
Lance: But...
Ian: AND he drove all this way.
Lance: ...All right.

Ian: [handing Felicia a new t-shirt] Another one for the collection.
Felicia: Oh, cool. Thanks.
[she stares at nothing leaning on the GTO]
Ian: What?
[she points down on the car roof. Lance is on the back seat comforting a sobbing Brandy]
Lance: It's okay, Brandy. it's okay, baby, don't cry.
Ian: Lance, what are you doing?
Lance: Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself, because I'm just trying to show another human being a little compassion.
[pause]
Lance: And my dick.

Dylan: [as Ian stands in the driveway in a white T-shirt and briefs] Nice underpants, Ian!

Ian: Is there a cock and ball on the front of me again?
Lance: Like a little tree trunk.

Randy: We were just banging that chick in our car.
Female: Yea, you mentioned that.
Andy: Yea, super hard.

Andy: You gotta get over the monkey.

Rex: [Lifts up the garage door, stopping below his neck without looking inside] Oh, fuck. I know you didn't take my car again. 'Cause you're a big giant pussy. That's right. I'm gonna lift up this door, and my big, fucking glorious bitchy Judge is gonna be sitting right there gleaming at me. Or I am gonna have the fucking neighborhood squirrels eat your asshole.
[Lifts up the door, sees the car is gone, proceeds to beat the garage door to death]
Rex: He took my fucking baby. Cocksucker!

Randy: [shouting] There are people in the vehicle.

Randy: What's Up?
Andy: What's Up, what's up?
Randy: You wanna party?

Randy: Oh, what's up, what's up?
Andy: What's up what's up?

Ian: Hey, uh, can I ask you guys a question?
Randy: You just did!
Ian: Can I ask you guys another question?
Andy: You just did again!

Randy: So where's Felicia?
Andy: Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.
Ian: She's in...
Andy: Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?
Ian: We're just friends.
Randy: I'm uncircumcised.
Girl: Fuck off!
Randy: Wait, I thought you took her to prom?
Ian: Yeah, but it was a just-friends kinda thing.
Randy: You should bang her. We would.
Andy: Dude, we would bang her so hard.
Randy: Tell her we'll bang her for you if you're not into it!
Andy: Yeah. Hard.
Randy: With our dicks!
Andy: Yeah, our dicks are huge!
Randy: You can see them from space!

Rex: [to Ian and Lance] For God's sake. You two little rump rangers couldn't wait five minutes?

Brandy: You ever had a peppermint fatty?
Lance: No. Let's have that. See how that shoe fits.
[Brandy pops peppermint in her mouth, begins sucking his penis]
Lance: That is curiously strong. I feel like my dick's been bar mitzvahed.

Andy: Hey babe, you wanna party?
Girl: I'm at a party.
Randy: You wanna make out with us?

Jogger: Hey, Knievel, what say you get your bike out of the fricking road?

Andy: Why dontcha take a picture Ian?
Randy: Yeah, and post it on total fucking awesomeness dot com!
Andy: Backslash we rule!
Randy: Wheredja come up with that?

Lance: It's like knives!

Rick: Ease it back, man. That donut ain't fuckin' around.

[Ezechiel comes out from the barn where the GTO is on repair]
Ezekiel: Uh-oh. See that creamy stuff? You blew your head gasket. That's not good.
Ian: Shit.
Ezekiel: Dont' cry. We can fix it.
Ian: Really?
Ezekiel: Yeah, really. We're good at it.
Ian: Yeah?
Ezekiel: Yeah, I didn't mean to undersell it, but it's an impressive thing. Yeah, we'll fix it.
Ian: Wow, that'd be cool.
Ezekiel: Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it? I might be the coolest guy you ever met.
Ian: Wow.
Ezekiel: Wow.
Ian: Thank you.
Ezekiel: Yeah, you're welcome. That's what you say when people do nice things for you. You know, there's a pretty big shindig shaping up next door if you guys want to hang there while we work on it. Take it easy while we do all this - for you.
[he turns to the barn]
Ian: Does he have an attitude?
Lance: No, he's fucking with you.

Lance: Dude, what the fuck?
Ian: I don't want her along.
Lance: Oh, really? You don't want to bring Yoko on your sex trip? Yeah, no shit. She's always cock-blocking you.
Ian: No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...
Lance: Okay, twat blocking. Professor.

Ian: You don't know my brother, okay? He's gonna fuck my ass with a roll of quarters!
Ezekiel: What? He's gonna what? With what?
Ian: Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work early, and he's gonna walk into the bank, stand in line, change a 10, find my ass, and just... fuck it... with a roll of fucking quarters.

Rex: I wouldn't let you drive The Judge if it was parked on my Schnutz!