Top 50 Quotes From Magnolia

Claudia: Now that I've met you, would you object to never seeing me again?

Narrator: And there is the account of the hanging of three men, and a scuba diver, and a suicide. There are stories of coincidence and chance, of intersections and strange things told, and which is which and who only knows? And we generally say, "Well, if that was in a movie, I wouldn't believe it." Someone's so-and-so met someone else's so-and-so and so on. And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that strange things happen all the time. And so it goes, and so it goes. And the book says, "We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."

Frank T.J. Mackey: I will drop-kick those fuckin' dogs if they come near me.

Quiz: I'm sick and I'm in love.
Thurston: You seem the sort of person who confuses the two.
Quiz: That's right. That's the first time you've been right. I confuse the two and I don't care.

Quiz: Do you know who I am?
Thurston: You're a friend of the family, I presume.
Quiz: What does that mean?
Thurston: Nothing special. Just a spoke in the wheel.
Quiz: You talk in rhymes and riddles and r-Rub-a-Dub. But that doesn't mean anything to me. See, I used to be smart. I'm Quiz Kid Donnie Smith.
[loudly]
Quiz: I'm Quiz Kid Donnie Smith, from TV.
Thurston: It might have been before my time.
Smiling: I remember. In the Sixties, right?
Quiz: I'm Quiz Kid Donnie Smith.
Thurston: Like you said.
Smiling: Smart kid! You got struck by lightning once.
Quiz: So what?
Smiling: I heard about that.
Smiling: Did it hurt?
Thurston: But you're all right now. So what's the what?
Quiz: What?
Thurston: That's right.

Gwenovier: Come on, Frank. What are you doing?
Frank T.J. Mackey: What am I doing? I'm quietly judging you.

Stanley: This isn't funny. This isn't cute. See the way we're looked at? Because I'm not a toy. I'm not a doll. The way we're looked at because you think we're cute? Because, what? I'm made to feel like a freak if I answer questions? Or I'm smart? Or I have to go to the bathroom? What is that, Jimmy? What is that? I'm asking you that.
Jimmy: I'm not sure, Stanley.

Earl: Don't ever let anyone ever say to you, 'You shouldn't regret anything.' Don't do that, don't! You regret what you fucking want! And use that, use that, use that regret for anything, any way you want. You can use it, okay?

Earl: I'll tell you the greatest regret of my life: I let my love go.

Quiz: I'm sick... I'm sick here now. I confuse melancholy with depression sometimes. You see?
Thurston: Why don't you run along now, friend? Your dessert is getting cold.
Quiz: I'm sick.
Thurston: Stay that way.
Quiz: I'm sick, and I'm in love.
Thurston: You seem the sort of person who confuses the two.
Quiz: That's right! That's the first time you've been right. I confuse the two, and I don't care!
[to Brad]
Quiz: I love you. I love you, and I'm sick. I'll talk to you - I'll talk to you tomorrow. I'm getting corrective oral surgery tomorrow... for my teeth. I love you, Brad. Brad the bartender. You want to love me back? I'll be good to you. I'll be goddamn good for you. I won't be mad if you don't know who said what. I won't punish you if you get the answer wrong. I can teach you, and tell you...
Thurston: Brad, you have a special secret crush over there, I think. Don't treat him too lovely. He might get hurt...
Quiz: - You, shut up! Mind your own business!
Thurston: Gently, son!
Quiz: Brad, I know you don't love me now.
Thurston: It's a dangerous thing to confuse children with angels.

Frank T.J. Mackey: In this big game that we play, life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve, it's what you take. I'm Frank T.J. Mackey, a master of the muffin and author of the Seduce and Destroy system now available to you on video and audio cassette. Seduce and Destroy will teach you the techniques to have any hardbody blonde just dripping to wet your dock. Bottom line? Language. The magical key to unlocking the female analytical mindset. Tap directly into her hopes, her wants, her fears, her desires, and her sweet little panties. Learn how to make that lady "friend" your sex-starved servant. I don't care how you look. I don't care what car you drive. I don't care what your last bank statement says. Seduce and Destroy produces an instant money-back guarantee trance-like state that will get you this - naughty sauce you want fast. Hey - how many more times do you need to hear the all-too-famous line of 'I just don't feel that way about you?'

Frank T.J. Mackey: Respect the cock! And tame the cunt! Tame it! Take it on headfirst with the skills that I will teach you at work and say no! You will not control me! No! You will not take my soul! No! You will not win this game! Because it's a game, guys. You want to think it's not, huh? You want to think it's not? Go back to the schoolyard and you have that crush on big-titted Mary Jane. Respect the cock. You are embedding this thought. I am the one who's in charge. I am the one who says yes! No! Now! Here! Because it's universal, man. It is evolutional. It is anthropological. It is biological. It is animal. We... are... men!

Aimee: It's not going to stop until you wise up.

Jim: Let me tell you something, this is not an easy job. I get a call on the radio, dispatch, it's bad news. And it stinks. But this is my job and I love it. Because I want to do well - in this life and in this world, I want to do well. And I want to help people. And I might get twenty bad calls a day. But one time I can help someone and make a save - correct a wrong or right a situation - then I'm a happy cop. And as we move through this life we should try and do good. Do good... And if we can do that, and not hurt anyone else, well... then...

Alan: Linda, stop. Now you take a moment, you breathe, and one thing at a time.
Linda: Shut the fuck up.
Alan: You know what would help you, Linda?
Linda: Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
Alan: You need to sober up.
Linda: Now, you must *really* shut the fuck up now, please - shut the fuck up.
Alan: Linda.
Linda: I have to go.
Alan: Let me call you a car, Linda.
Linda: Shut the fuck up.

Quiz: I used to be smart, but now I'm just stupid.
Thurston: Brad, dear, who was it that said..."A man of genius has seldom been ruined but by himself"?
Quiz: [quietly; to himself] ... Samuel Johnson...
Thurston: It was the lovely Samuel Johnson! Who also spoke of a fellow "who was not only dull... but a cause of dullness in others."
Quiz: "The cause of dullness in others."
Thurston: Picky picky!
Quiz: Let me tell you this; Samuel Johnson never had his life shit on... and taken from him, and his money stolen! Who took his life and his money? His parents? His mommy, and daddy? Make him live this life like this... A man of genius who gets shit on as a child!... and that scars! That hurts! Have you ever been hit by lightning? It hurts. It doesn't happen to everyone. It's an electrical charge. It finds its way across the universe... and it lands in your body, and your head! And as for ruined, but by himself... not if his parents took his freaking life... and his money, and tell you to do this... and to do that, and if you don't...
Smiling: Your parents took your money you won on that game show?
Quiz: Yes! They did.
[to Thurston]
Quiz: What does that mean, a spoke in the wheel?
Thurston: Things go round and round, don't they?
Quiz: Yes, they do... They do. But I'll make my dreams come true.
Thurston: Sounds sad as a weeping willow.
Quiz: I used to be smart. But now I'm just stupid.
Thurston: [raising his glass] Shall we drink to that?

Earl: Phil. Phil. Hey, come here. Come here. Uh... Phil. I'm... I'm gonna try... talk. I'm gonna try to say something-something. Do you know Lily, Phil? Do you know her? Lily?
Phil: No, I don't.
Earl: Oh, she's my love, my life, love of it. Y'know. In school... I'm twelve years old, in school, in sixth grade. I saw her. I didn't go to that school, but... uh... we met. My friend knew her. I said, uh... "What's that girl? How's that Lily?" "Oh, she's bad. She sleeps with guys." Yeah, he said this, but then sometimes... I went to another school, you see. But then... when high school - at an end. What is that when it gets to the end?
Phil: Graduation.
Earl: No, no, the grade. What grade are you in?
Phil: That's 12th.
Earl: Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I went to her school for that grade. Grade - that's grade twelve. And we meet. She was... fucking like a doll. A beautiful porcelain doll. And the hips, child-bearing hips, you know that? So, so beautiful. And I cheated on her... over and over and over again. Because I wanted to be a man. And I didn't want her to be a woman, you know? A smart, free person who was something! My fucking mind then. So stupid, that fucking mind! Stupid! Jesus Christ! What would I think, did I think for what I'd done? She was my wife for twenty-three years... and I went behind her over and over. Fucking asshole that I am. I'd go out and I'd fuck and I'd come home and get in her bed... and say... "I love you." This is Jack's mother. His mother, Lily. These two... that I had... and I lost. This is the regret that you make. This is the... regret that you make and the something you take and the blah, blah, blah, something, something. Gimme a cigarette. Mistakes like this... you don't make. Sometimes... you make some and OK. Not OK, sometimes, you make other ones. Know that you should do better. I loved Lily. I cheated on her. She was my wife for twenty-three years. And I have a son. And she has cancer. And I'm not there, and he's forced to take care of her. He's fourteen years old. To... to take care of his mother... and watch her die on him. A little kid, and I'm not there. And she does die.

Quiz: You look like you have money in your pocket.
Thurston: Maybe I'm just happy to see my friend Brad there.
Quiz: Just throw some money around. Money, money, money.
Thurston: This sounds threatening.
Quiz: Do you have love in your heart?
Thurston: I have love all over. I even have love for you, friend.
Quiz: Is it real love? The kind of love that makes you feel... that intangible joy in the pit of your stomach... like a bucket of acid and nerves running around... making you hurt and happy and all over... You're head over heels?
Thurston: You lost me with the last couple of cocktail words spoken my boy... but I believe it's that sort of love. Sounds nice to me.
Quiz: I have love.
Thurston: A very chatty kind, indeed you do.
Quiz: No, I mean I'm telling you - I have love.
Thurston: Yes, and I'm listening avidly, fella.
Quiz: My name is Donnie Smith, and I have lots of love to give.

Quiz: I know I did a stupid thing. So stupid! Getting braces. I thought... I thought he would love me. Getting... braces! And for what? For something I don't even... I don't know where to put things, you know? I really do have love to give! I just don't know where to put it!

Phil: I know this sounds silly, like this is the scene in the movie where the guy's trying to get ahold of the long-lost son, you know, but this is that scene. And I think they have those scenes in movies because they're true, you know? Because they really happen. See, this is the scene in the movie where you help me out.

Young: Strong, strong stuff here. What exactly you have wrong, you need all this stuff?
Linda: Motherfucker...
Young: What are you talking about?
Linda: Who the fuck are you, who the fuck do you think you are? I come in here, you don't know me, you don't know who I am, what my life is, you have the balls, the indecency to ask me a question about my life?
Old: Please, lady, why don't you calm down - ?
Linda: Fuck you, too. Don't call me "lady". I come in here, I give these things to you, you check, you make your phone calls, look suspicious, ask questions. I'm sick. I have sickness all around me and you fucking ask me about my life? "What's wrong?" Have you seen death in your bed? In your house? Where's your fucking decency? And then I'm asked fucking questions. What's... wrong? You suck my dick. That's what's wrong. And you, you fucking call me "lady"? Shame on you. Shame on you. Shame on both of you.

Earl: I loved her so. She knew what I did. She knew all the fucking stupid things I'd done. But the love... was stronger than anything you can think of. God damn regret!

Frank T.J. Mackey: [Frank is speaking to followers at his seminar] Men are shit. What? Men... are... *shit*. What, isn't that what they say? Because we do bad things, don't we? We do horrible, heineous, *heinous*, terrible things. Things that no woman would ever do. No, women, they don't lie. No, women don't cheat. Women don't *manipulate* us. But you see what I'm getting at. You see what society does? Little boys, it's, "Wow, womaaaan!" We are taught to apologize. I am sorry. I am so sorry, baby. I am so sorry. What is it that we need? Is it their pussies? Their love? Mommy wouldn't let me play soccer... and Daddy, he hit me, so that's who I am, that's why I do what I do? Fucking bullshit. I will not apologize for who I am. I will not apologize for what I need. I will not apologize for what I *want*!

Stanley: Dad? You need to be nicer to me.

Phil: [making an order over the phone] I'd like to get an order of peanut butter, umm, uh, cigarettes, Camel Light, uhh, water...
Pink: Bottled water?
Phil: No. You know what, forget the water. Just give me a loaf of bread. White bread.
Pink: Okay.
Phil: And, umm, do you have Playboy magazine?
Pink: Yeah.
Phil: Okay, one of those, and uh, Penthouse? The magazine?
Pink: Yeah.
Phil: You have that? Okay uh, one of those, and umm... Hustler?
Pink: Yeah.
Phil: You have that?
Pink: Yeah, I said. That it?
Phil: Yeah that's it.
Pink: Still want the peanut butter, bread, and cigarettes?
Phil: Yeah. What?

Frank T.J. Mackey: Respect the Cock. Tame the Cunt

Jim: Sometimes people need a little help. Sometimes people need to be forgiven. And sometimes they need to go to jail.

Quiz: Want to know the common element for the entire group?... I'll tell you the answer: I'll tell you, 'cause I had that one. I had that question... Carbon. Carbon. In pencil lead, it's in the form of graphite and in coal, it's mixed up with other impurities and in the diamond it's in hard form.
[Jimmy Gator impression]
Quiz: "Well... all we were asking was the common element, Donnie... but thank you for all that unnecessary knowledge... haha, kids! Heads so full of useless knowledge. Thank you. Thank you." And the book says: "We may be through with the past... but the past is not through with us!"
[to Thurston]
Quiz: And... no, it is not dangerous to confuse children with angels!

Jim: A lot of people think this is just a job that you go to. Take a lunch hour... job's over. Something like that. But it's a 24-hour deal. No two ways about it. And what most people don't see... is just how hard it is to do the right thing. People think if I make a judgment call... that's a judgment on them, but that is not what I do. And that's not what should be done. I have to take everything... and play it as it lays. Sometimes people need a little help. Sometimes people need to be forgiven. And sometimes they need to go to jail. And that is a very tricky thing on my part... making that call. I mean, the law is the law. And heck if I'm gonna break it. You can forgive someone. Well, that's the tough part. What can we forgive? Tough part of the job. Tough part of walking down the street.

Rose: Say it, Jimmy.
Jimmy: I think she thinks... that I may have... molested her. She thinks terrible things that somehow got into her head... that I may have done. She said that to me last time, when it was... ten years ago, she walked out the door. "You touched me wrong. I know that." Some crazy thought in her head.
Rose: Did you ever touch her?
Jimmy: I don't know.
Rose: [covers her mouth in disgust] ... Jimmy!...
Jimmy: I don't know. I really don't.
Rose: But you can't say!
Jimmy: I don't know what I've done.
Rose: [angering] Yes, you do. You do! But you won't say!
Jimmy: I don't know. What? Please? Please.
Rose: You deserve to die alone for what you've done!
Jimmy: I don't know what I've done!
Rose: [beginning to cry] Yes, you do!
Jimmy: Rose, if I said that I knew, would you stay?
Rose: No!
Jimmy: But I don't know what I've done.
Rose: You should know better!

Frank T.J. Mackey: In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve - it's what you take!

Jimmy: The book says, "We might be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."

Frank T.J. Mackey: I'll tell you what I want you to do, Janet! I want you to do your fucking job!

Jim: Oh, Lord, why is this happening to me? God, please help me figure this out. I'm lost out here! I don't understand why it's happening. God, please, God!
[sirens]
Jim: Whatever it is I did, I'm going to fix it. I'm going to do the right thing. Please, help me find the gun! I...
[points his flashlight at the camera as the sirens get louder]

Claudia: I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people.

Claudia: You don't know how fucking stupid I am.
Jim: It's okay.
Claudia: You don't know how *crazy* I am.
Jim: It's okay.
Claudia: I got troubles, okay?
Jim: I'll take everything at face value. I'll be a good listener.
Claudia: I started this didn't I, didn't I - fuck.
Jim: Whatever it is, just say it, you'll see.
Claudia: ...You wanna kiss me, Jim?
Jim: Yes, I do.

Frank T.J. Mackey: Don't go away, you fucking asshole, don't go away. Don't go away, you fucking asshole, don't go away! Don't go away you fucking asshole!

[first lines]
Narrator: In the New York Herald, November 26, year 1911, there is an account of the hanging of three men. They died for the murder of Sir Edmund William Godfrey; Husband, Father, Pharmacist and all around gentle-man resident of: Greenberry Hill, London. He was murdered by three vagrants whose motive was simple robbery. They were identified as: Joseph Green, Stanley Berry, and Daniel Hill. Green, Berry, Hill. And I Would Like To Think This was Only A Matter Of Chance. As reported in the Reno Gazette, June of 1983 there is the story of a fire, the water that it took to contain the fire, and a scuba diver named Delmer Darion. Employee of the Peppermill Hotel and Casino, Reno, Nevada. Engaged as a blackjack dealer. Well liked and well regarded as a physical, recreational and sporting sort, Delmer's true passion was for the lake. As reported by the coroner, Delmer died of a heart attack somewhere between the lake and the tree. A most curious side note is the suicide the next day of Craig Hansen. Volunteer firefighter, estranged father of four and a poor tendency to drink. Mr. Hansen was the pilot of the plane that quite accidentally lifted Delmer Darion out of the water. Added to this, Mr. Hansen's tortured life met before with Delmer Darion just two nights previous. The weight of the guilt and the measure of coincidence so large, Craig Hansen took his life. And I Am Trying To Think This Was All Only A Matter Of Chance. The tale told at a 1961 awards dinner for the American Association Of Forensic Science by Dr. Donald Harper, president of the association, began with a simple suicide attempt. Seventeen-year-old Sydney Barringer. In the city of Los Angeles on March 23, 1958. The coroner ruled that the unsuccessful suicide had suddenly become a successful homicide. To explain: The suicide was confirmed by a note, left in the breast pocket of Sydney Barringer. At the same time young Sydney stood on the ledge of this nine-story building, an argument swelled three stories below. The neighbors heard, as they usually did, the arguing of the tenants and it was not uncommon for them to threaten each other with a shotgun, or one of the many handguns kept in the house. And when the shotgun accidentaly went off, Sydney just happend to pass. Added to this, the two tenants turned out to be: Faye and Arthur Barringer. Sydney's mother and Sydney's father. When confronted with the charge, which took some figuring out for the officers on the scene of the crime, Faye Barringer swore that she did not know that the gun was loaded. A young boy who lived in the building, sometimes a visitor and friend to Sydney Barringer, said that he had seen, six days prior, the loading of the shotgun. It seems that the arguing and the fighting and all of the violence was far too much for Sydney Barringer, and knowing his mother and father's tendency to fight, he decided to do something. Sydney Barringer jumps from the ninth floor rooftop. His parents argue three stories below. Her accidental shotgun blast hits Sydney in the stomach as he passes the arguing sixth-floor window. He is killed instantly but continues to fall, only to find, three stories below, a safety net installed three days prior for a set of window washers that would have broken his fall and saved his life if not for the hole in his stomach. So Faye Barringer was charged with the murder of her son, and Sydney Barringer noted as an accomplice in his own death. And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just "Something That Happened." This cannot be "One of Those Things... " This, please, cannot be that. And for what I would like to say, I can't. This Was Not Just A Matter Of Chance. Ohhhh. These strange things happen all the time.

Stanley: [watching it rain frogs outside the library window] This happens. This is something that happens.

Jim: The law is the law, and heck if I'm gonna break it. But if you can forgive someone... Well, that's the tough part. What can we forgive?

Phil: [looks out window] Why are frogs falling from the sky?

Thurston: It's dangerous to confuse children with angels.

Earl: I loved her so. And she knew what I did. She knew all the fucking stupid things I'd done. But the love... was stronger than anything you can think of. The goddamn regret. The goddamn regret! Oh, and I'll die. Now I'll die, and I'll tell you what... the biggest regret of my life... I let my love go. What did I do? I'm sixty-five years old. And I'm ashamed. A million years ago... the fucking regret and guilt, these things, don't ever let anyone ever say to you you shouldn't regret anything. Don't do that. Don't! You regret what you fucking want! Use that. Use that. Use that regret for anything, any way you want. You can use it, OK? Oh, God. This is a long way to go with no punch. A little moral story, I say... Love. Love. Love. This fucking life... oh, it's so fucking hard. So long. Life ain't short, it's long. It's long, goddamn it. Goddamn. What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Phil. Phil, help me. What did I do?

[last lines]
Jim: [to Claudia] I can't let this go. I can't let you go. Now, you... you listen to me now. You're a good person. You're a good and beautiful person and I won't let you walk out on me. And I won't let you say those things - those things about how stupid you are and this and that. I won't stand for that. You want to be with me... then you be with me. You see?
[Claudia smiles]

[Officer Kurring has just handcuffed Marcie to a couch]
Marcie: This is bullshit. This is fuckin' bullshit.
Jim: I want you to stay right there, Marcie.
Marcie: This is bullshit motherfucker. Mother-goddamn-fucker it's bullshit and you know it!
[Officer Kurring moves down the hall to investigate a disturbance]
Marcie: Don't go down my hallway! Don't go down my motherfuckin' hallway! This is bullshit motherfucker! Don't go in my god damn bedroom!
Jim: This is the LAPD. If there's someone back here...
Marcie: What I tell you? What I tell you? Ain't nobody in there! Where the fuck you goin' motherfuck? Don't go in my motherfuckin' bedroom and stay outta my motherfuckin' closet!
[Officer Kurring enters her bedroom]
Jim: This is the LAPD. If there's someone in this closet, come out right now, or you will be shot.
[Marcie begins dragging the couch towards the bedroom]
Jim: Marcie! Do not drag that couch any further!
Marcie: There's nobody in my motherfucking closet, motherfucker! This don't make no sense! This don't make no goddamn sense! Why can't you goddamn talk to me? This is bullshit motherfucker!
[Officer Kurring opens the closet and finds a dead body]
Jim: Whoa! What the hell is this, Marcie?
Marcie: That ain't mine!

Dixon: When the sunshine don't work, the good Lord bring the rain in.

Claudia: I'm really nervous that you're gonna hate me soon. You're gonna find stuff out about me and you're gonna hate me.
Jim: No. Like what? What do you mean?
Claudia: You have so much - so many good things. And you seem so together. You're a police officer and you seem so straight and put together - without any problems.
Jim: I lost my gun today.
Claudia: What?
Jim: I lost my gun today when I left you and I'm the laughingstock of a lot of people. I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know and it's on my mind. And it makes me look like a fool. And I feel like a fool. And you asked that we should say things - that we should say what we're thinking and not lie about things. Well, I can tell you that, this, that I lost my gun today - and I am not a good cop. And I'm looked down at. And I know that. And I'm scared that once you find that out you may not like me.
Claudia: Jim. That, that was so...
Jim: I'm sorry.
Claudia: - great. What you just said.

Earl: This fucking life... it's so fucking hard, so long! Life ain't short, it's long, it's long, God damn it!

[singing along to Aimee Mann's "Wise Up"]
Claudia: It's not / What you thought / When you first began it / You got / What you want / Now you can hardly stand it though / By now you know / It's not going to stop
Jim: It's not going to stop / It's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up
Jimmy: You're sure / There's a cure / And you have finally found it
Quiz: You think / One drink / Will shrink you 'til you're underground / And living down / But it's not going to stop
Phil: It's not going to stop
Earl: It's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up
Linda: Prepare a list for what you need / Before you sign away the deed / 'Cause it's not going to stop
Frank T.J. Mackey: It's not going to stop / It's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up / No, it's not going to stop / 'Til you wise up / No, it's not going to stop
Stanley: So just... give up

Quiz: What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing?