Top 30 Quotes From Sharon Horgan

Rob: I'm gonna look back on my time with you and remember you as an extraordinarily good smelling woman with a magical ass, and you're smart, so you can even get away with being less attractive, and you'd still be fairly attractive.
Sharon: [laughs] Fuck. Wow. Okay. I'll remember you as a sturdy love maker with a massive chin, who was kind to waiters and taxi drivers, which suggests you might actually be a good person.

[the group shows up unannounced Gary's house, telling him they want a spontaneous game night]
Gary: I will admit I have eagerly awaited a visit such as this.
[Gary steps away from the door and walks back into his dark house]
Annie: Do we follow him?
Max: It seems like it.
Sarah: Ryan, you go first.
Ryan: I'm scared.

Sharon: I just think there's pros in raising your kid just a little bit religious... Like, God is like the best friend of a lazy parent. Why is the sun yellow? God's favourite colour is yellow. Now go upstairs so I can give Dad a special hug and make you a little sister.

Olivia: Oh, good one.
- Get his gun.
Carlos: Drop the gun, Sergio.
- Neither of you are supposed to be here.
- Come with me.
Carlos: Lucas.

Queen: Love, what a waste of time. I never felt love since the day I was born, and look how much I get done.

Sharon: Let's make our new anniversary the date we first met.
Rob: Okay. Let's do that.
Sharon: Which was...?
Rob: [Long pause] You look so beautiful in the moonlight.
Sharon: It's the fucking 5th of March asshole.

Rob: OK, I see you're not interested in sane dialogue, so I'm going to go. But we at least need to arrange a where I can...
Sharon: You can e-mail me.
Rob: OK, uh, so w-when...?
Sharon: Just e-mail me.
Rob: OK... Is your e-mail address still ImpatientShithead@Mean.jerk?
Sharon: Yeah. Yeah, it is... Is yours still FatIdiot@BadBreath.cunt?
Rob: I don't have bad breath.
Sharon: Yeah, you do. Melissa, does he have bad breath?
Melissa: It's just too much coffee, I think... It's not like halitosis. You just need to drink more water.

Sharon: I don't want to be mean. I just need some space... and you take up a lot of space.
Rob: Oh, yeah?
Sharon: Yeah... You're the second biggest thing in this flat after the bed. You're bigger than the wardrobe.
Rob: Well, that's because your wardrobe is a joke.
Sharon: It's not a joke. It's roomy and practical.
Rob: If it's so roomy, then why are my clothes still in my suitcase?
Sharon: It's roomy for my stuff.
Rob: You let me put my penis in your mouth, but you won't let me put my T-shirts in your drawer?

Sharon: He's not a bad person. He's... Just imagine a nice enough guy taking a shit and reading about Hitler and that's my husband.

Nicky: Shit!
- Hold on.
Olivia: Oh! [Grunts]
- -Oh!
- Did we lose 'em?
- I think we lost 'em.
- -Dad, watch out!
Olivia: Oh!
Olivia: Oh!
- -maria: [Softly] Oh, my god.

Sharon: How long do you think you'd wait to get together with someone after I die?
Rob: Like, if I had to go out and look for 'em? It'd be, you know, a couple years. But if somebody came up to me and was, like,
[changing voice]
Rob: "I'm fucking you now,"
[back to normal voice]
Rob: then I would wait, like, you know, a day or two.
Sharon: [chuckes] Yeah. If I die, I would be fine with you being with someone else. You know, I'm dead. I don't care. But if the slut you get together with even suggests my kids call her mum, I'll haunt her.

Bean: That's never happened to me before, that thing with my fingers.
Queen: As you reach maturity you will notice many more changes.
Bean: Duh, I already know.
Queen: This isn't a sex talk.
Bean: Oh. What kind of talk is it?
Queen: There are some things you need to know about yourself, Bean.

Anthony: Well, I'm going to have a look upstairs now, yeah?
Rob: Help yourself.
Potential: Great house.
Sharon: Aw, thank you. Enjoy the bedrooms. If there's any dirty knickers on the floor, just kick them under the bed. I mean, there won't be, we knew you were coming.

Wallace: I, I, I hope when I sell this place to move into a small apartment in town... I'd like to be a little, um, closer to the action.
Sharon: Aw!
Wallace: And they'll find me sooner if I die at home by myself.
Sharon: Oh, don't say that. I'm sure someone would find you here.

Sharon: The world is a toilet.

Rob: You know, you say a lot of shit to me and I let you because you're pregnant, but just so you know, after you have that baby, I'm going be a fucking asshole to you.
Sharon: Thanks for the heads-up.

Gary: So, Sarah, how long have you two been a couple?
Sarah: Oh, no! No, we're not. We just, we work together. I wouldn't, um, I wouldn't do that thing.
Gary: I see. I thought I detected a certain chemistry between the two of you.
Sarah: No. No way. No, that's not...
Gary: Then again, I'm not the best judge of chemistry in the world.
[there's an awkward silence, followed by uncomfortable laughter]
Ryan: Oh, because your wife left you.

Olivia: Addy wants to borrow your belt.
Addy: Oh yeah. I do.
Olivia: It looks like it's got some weight.
Nick: Well, yeah, it's a big, fat tarantula. You know my dresser, Jeff. Mr. Neiman Marcus?
Olivia: Yes.
Nick: He wanted me to wear a bee. And I said, "Jeff, not the bees. Not the bees!" So, he said, "Well, how about a scorpion?" I said, "I think a scorpion is a little aggressive, Jeff. What about a tarantula?" He goes, "Well, I don't think that's any less aggressive, Nick." And I say, "Well, it is to me. They're cute and fuzzy, right?
Olivia: Well, Addy wants to borrow it.
Addy: Ha! Not at all!
Nick: You can have it. It's yours.

Doctor: And you said there's no suicidal ideation?
Sharon: No. I mean, I do think about dying but in a kind of abstract way. You know, like, sometimes I imagine a meteor hitting the house and killing me and the kids.
Doctor: What about your husband?
Sharon: I don't know. If he's home... I don't care.

Rob: No, look, listen... I want to fuck you...
Sharon: Do you?
Rob: Yeah... because you're like, this is it. Take it or leave it. It's like bald guys... Women and gay guys don't give a shit if a guy is bald if he's like, I'm a man, I'm fucking bald and that's how it is. Then you're like Give me that dick, you bald asshole.
Sharon: Yeah, that's true... Don't you go bald though.

Sharon: So, Douglas, how did you get into the whole plastic surgery game? Did you go to med school to become a real doctor and then think, you know what, any asshole can save a life. What I'd like to do is give women weird hard tits that start at their collar bones.
Douglas: It's not all tits. Last week I reconstructed an eight-year-old's face who'd been attacked by her neighbor's dog.

Rob: I mean, Fergal and I are practically... I wouldn't say brothers yet but maybe like cousins who are also good friends. We bonded when he came with me to pick out your ring. And we both laughed when your dad farted at the TV when Tottenham scored that goal.
Sharon: Everybody laughed at that.
Rob: Yeah, but I think Fergal and I the hardest.

Queen: Oh, good, you found the dungeon!
Bean: Whoa!
Queen: You know, it's a shame it had to end up this way. I really do love you.
Bean: Then set me free.
Queen: Not that much. Actually, pretending to care about your feelings was exhausting. And I no longer have to call you "darling".
Bean: Great. How about you also stop calling me "honey", "sweetie", and "disappointment"?
Queen: Have it your way, fat-ass.
Bean: Flat-ass!
Queen: Elf-diddler!
Bean: Skull-sucker!
Queen: Destiny denier!
Bean: Prophecy hag!
Queen: Squirrel face!
Bean: Well, at least I don't have a small waist and long legs!
Queen: [leaves]
Bean: Yeah, you better slouch!

Sharon: I got a promotion today, because somebody died.
Rob: Oh, no! But that's great.
Sharon: Yeah! I know! I'm really flattered... I have to organise the memorial for him, so that'll be a bit... But you know, still.
Rob: Right on. Er, is it good money?
Sharon: Yeah! Yeah, it's great in teacher money. In real money, no, it's shit.

Sharon: She's one of these people where, like, everything has gone her way. You know, and she thinks she did it. But, it was luck. You know I just wish one bad thing would happen to her. Like I don't want her to get hit by a bus or anything. But you know, maybe she got arrested for tax fraud or if her dad got caught with child porn or something, you know just to knock the smug out of her.

Sharon: I think I've been assaulted.
Rob: What?
Sharon: The man massaged my tits.
Rob: What man?
Sharon: What man? The massager... He massaged my tits.
Rob: What did you do? Did you ask him to stop?
Sharon: No, I didn't. He w... It's Paris, you were asleep...
Rob: What do you want me to do? Do you want me to complain?
Sharon: I tipped him... You were asleep! I had to pay them. You know, you have to tip... It's Paris!

Rob: I don't want to have sex with a crying woman.
Sharon: Really?
Rob: No, I'll do it, but get it together.

Eva: [seeing Grace laugh] Man, I've missed that laugh. I didn't realise how much.
Bibi: You're only as happy as your unhappiest child. And she's grand now.
Grace: Hey, are we getting' in or what?

Grace: I can't go to prison. I can't leave Blanaid on her own. I can't do that!
Ursula: For God's sake, can't we just explain what he did? The rape, the abuse, I mean, he's pushed us all over the edge!
Eva: [sarcastically] Yeah, let us try that. Cause that always works for women.

Sharon: I might have insulted your mother a little bit on the phone.
Rob: Like how? Tell me how, cos I want to do a different, more hurtful insult when I call her.