30 Best Sharon Morris Quotes

Wallace: I, I, I hope when I sell this place to move into a small apartment in town... I'd like to be a little, um, closer to the action.
Sharon: Aw!
Wallace: And they'll find me sooner if I die at home by myself.
Sharon: Oh, don't say that. I'm sure someone would find you here.

Sharon: I might have insulted your mother a little bit on the phone.
Rob: Like how? Tell me how, cos I want to do a different, more hurtful insult when I call her.

Sharon: You don't have to be part of its life, you know. I'm not expecting anything. Except money. Maybe a bit of money.
Rob: So I just write a check every month and leave it at that? Fuck that. I didn't know my father and it sucked. This kid gets a dad.
Sharon: Oh, God, you don't have to be so American about it.

Rob: You know, you say a lot of shit to me and I let you because you're pregnant, but just so you know, after you have that baby, I'm going be a fucking asshole to you.
Sharon: Thanks for the heads-up.

Sharon: I just think there's pros in raising your kid just a little bit religious... Like, God is like the best friend of a lazy parent. Why is the sun yellow? God's favourite colour is yellow. Now go upstairs so I can give Dad a special hug and make you a little sister.

Rob: I mean, Fergal and I are practically... I wouldn't say brothers yet but maybe like cousins who are also good friends. We bonded when he came with me to pick out your ring. And we both laughed when your dad farted at the TV when Tottenham scored that goal.
Sharon: Everybody laughed at that.
Rob: Yeah, but I think Fergal and I the hardest.

Fergal: [about Sharon's baby] Are you going to keep it?
Sharon: Oh, I don't know? Are you going to keep yours?
Fergal: I've already invested in them. They've got braces and stuff now. They're worth money.

Sharon: why don't you go and fuck another drunk woman and see if she'll have a nicer, less complicated pregnancy for you?
Rob: You know, I would but I've already hitched my wagon to this... horse.
Sharon: Horse?
Rob: Horse, I don't know, donkey... Whatever you hitch a wagon to.

Doctor: And you said there's no suicidal ideation?
Sharon: No. I mean, I do think about dying but in a kind of abstract way. You know, like, sometimes I imagine a meteor hitting the house and killing me and the kids.
Doctor: What about your husband?
Sharon: I don't know. If he's home... I don't care.

Anthony: Well, I'm going to have a look upstairs now, yeah?
Rob: Help yourself.
Potential: Great house.
Sharon: Aw, thank you. Enjoy the bedrooms. If there's any dirty knickers on the floor, just kick them under the bed. I mean, there won't be, we knew you were coming.

Rob: Have you seen the news?
Sharon: No. Why?
Rob: There was an incident in town. A guy drove a car into a crowd of people in front of the M&M store.
Sharon: No, that was me. I wanted some M&Ms and I forgot my purse.
Rob: Honey, a guy died. Okay? There was a stampede. It's very upsetting.
Sharon: Yeah, I'll tell what's upsetting is you thought I was at the M&M store.

Sharon: I hope your dogs get leukaemia.

Sharon: The world is a toilet.

Sharon: This is going to sound awful, but I just worry that I don't love Muireann the way I love Frankie.
Rob: Is that why you gave her a crazy name?

Sharon: She's one of these people where, like, everything has gone her way. You know, and she thinks she did it. But, it was luck. You know I just wish one bad thing would happen to her. Like I don't want her to get hit by a bus or anything. But you know, maybe she got arrested for tax fraud or if her dad got caught with child porn or something, you know just to knock the smug out of her.

Sharon: Did you miss me?
Rob: I was angry at how much I missed you.
Sharon: I missed you too. Just the last two days, though... Did you watch porn?
Rob: Yeah. Absolutely... But I would always take a pillow and make a little Sharon out of it that I would hug while I... watched.
Sharon: I did the same, just without the pillow... Actually it's hard for me to masturbate at the moment because I've got to look over my belly to do it, and I know there's a baby in there, so it's kind of off-putting... It's like you wouldn't want to have a wank if there were kids playing in the background, you know?

Rob: You're sexier pregnant than you are not pregnant and it gives me super strength... I'll fuck you and then throw you up on top of the refrigerator.
Sharon: What will I do up there?
Rob: I don't care.

Sharon: I got a promotion today, because somebody died.
Rob: Oh, no! But that's great.
Sharon: Yeah! I know! I'm really flattered... I have to organise the memorial for him, so that'll be a bit... But you know, still.
Rob: Right on. Er, is it good money?
Sharon: Yeah! Yeah, it's great in teacher money. In real money, no, it's shit.

Rob: I'm gonna look back on my time with you and remember you as an extraordinarily good smelling woman with a magical ass, and you're smart, so you can even get away with being less attractive, and you'd still be fairly attractive.
Sharon: [laughs] Fuck. Wow. Okay. I'll remember you as a sturdy love maker with a massive chin, who was kind to waiters and taxi drivers, which suggests you might actually be a good person.

Rob: If I thrust too deeply, will my penis latch onto the IUD coil thingy and pull it out?
Sharon: Yeah. No, it's fine. They put it more than two and a half inches inside me.

Rob: Why haven't I cheated on you? Because... Loads of reasons. I mean, the biggest is you have been pregnant so much, so, not fucking some prostitute is the least I can do when you have been carting around our babies in your body.
Sharon: [laughs] Wha? Why does it have to be a prostitute?
Rob: Because if you think I'm going to put time, money and effort into maybe getting into some woman's pants, you're crazy. If I ever do cheat on you, it's going to be a cash transaction with a guaranteed ejaculation, after which she immediately leaves so I can ponder suicide because of how guilty I feel.
Sharon: Aw! That's so sweet.

Rob: I don't want to have sex with a crying woman.
Sharon: Really?
Rob: No, I'll do it, but get it together.

Sharon: [Dave holds Daphne in a baby carrier] So, do you have Daphne stuck to you all the time?
Dave: Sure.
Sharon: How do you shower?
Dave: Oh, I have a waterproof one.
Catherine: [Sharon laughs] Dave's a very involved parent. There's really not much for me to do outside of flopping out the odd tit.

Sharon: Let's make our new anniversary the date we first met.
Rob: Okay. Let's do that.
Sharon: Which was...?
Rob: [Long pause] You look so beautiful in the moonlight.
Sharon: It's the fucking 5th of March asshole.

Sharon: He's not a bad person. He's... Just imagine a nice enough guy taking a shit and reading about Hitler and that's my husband.

Sharon: How long do you think you'd wait to get together with someone after I die?
Rob: Like, if I had to go out and look for 'em? It'd be, you know, a couple years. But if somebody came up to me and was, like,
[changing voice]
Rob: "I'm fucking you now,"
[back to normal voice]
Rob: then I would wait, like, you know, a day or two.
Sharon: [chuckes] Yeah. If I die, I would be fine with you being with someone else. You know, I'm dead. I don't care. But if the slut you get together with even suggests my kids call her mum, I'll haunt her.

Rob: What are you reading?
Sharon: I'm reading The Sun Also Rises. It's a proper book.
Rob: You've been reading that since we met. Are you memorising it?

Sharon: I don't want to be mean. I just need some space... and you take up a lot of space.
Rob: Oh, yeah?
Sharon: Yeah... You're the second biggest thing in this flat after the bed. You're bigger than the wardrobe.
Rob: Well, that's because your wardrobe is a joke.
Sharon: It's not a joke. It's roomy and practical.
Rob: If it's so roomy, then why are my clothes still in my suitcase?
Sharon: It's roomy for my stuff.
Rob: You let me put my penis in your mouth, but you won't let me put my T-shirts in your drawer?

Rob: OK, I see you're not interested in sane dialogue, so I'm going to go. But we at least need to arrange a where I can...
Sharon: You can e-mail me.
Rob: OK, uh, so w-when...?
Sharon: Just e-mail me.
Rob: OK... Is your e-mail address still ImpatientShithead@Mean.jerk?
Sharon: Yeah. Yeah, it is... Is yours still FatIdiot@BadBreath.cunt?
Rob: I don't have bad breath.
Sharon: Yeah, you do. Melissa, does he have bad breath?
Melissa: It's just too much coffee, I think... It's not like halitosis. You just need to drink more water.

Rob: No, look, listen... I want to fuck you...
Sharon: Do you?
Rob: Yeah... because you're like, this is it. Take it or leave it. It's like bald guys... Women and gay guys don't give a shit if a guy is bald if he's like, I'm a man, I'm fucking bald and that's how it is. Then you're like Give me that dick, you bald asshole.
Sharon: Yeah, that's true... Don't you go bald though.