150 Best Teal'c Quotes

Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's no question that these bugs were the Priors' follow up to the virus.
Teal'c: And it appears that they were designed to circumvent any attempt to forestall their destructive nature.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Deny them crops and their physiology adapts to an alternate food source.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, us.

Teal'c: Major Carter.
Major: Teal'c, this is the women's locker room.
Teal'c: It appears there is no one else here but you, and you are fully clothed.
Major: True.

Ishta: When will the Goa'uld thirst for conquest and bloodshed end?
Teal'c: When they are all dead.

Teal'c: Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will, in fact, calm up.

Teal'c: Major Carter will soon have no choice but to leave with Heimdall.
Colonel: If she's smart, she's already gone.
Teal'c: In which case, our chances of escape are negligible.
Colonel: Oh, I don't know. All we gotta do is bust outta here, take out every Jaffa between here and the Pel'tak, commandeer the ship and fly on home.
Teal'c: [dryly] I stand corrected.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: No offense, Jackson, but you do not strike me as the drug dealer type. In fact, you're not even close.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I think I'm as close as you are!
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Come on! You're miles away.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Teal'c, which one of us is closer?
Teal'c: I believe the three of you to be equidistant.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Oh, please! Mary Poppins is not even in the running!
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Hey!

Dr. Daniel Jackson: This is interesting. This is a-a reference to Merlin's prophetic abilities. There's a-a similar myth on Earth, that Merlin could see the future because he actually aged backwards in time. It's not meant to be taken literally, but we have seen that a lot of legends and folklore have a-a strong basis in fact. Avalon, Atlantis...
Teal'c: The Easter Bunny.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I guess there's a few exceptions.

Alternate: We won our freedom in the Battle for Dakara. And on that day, not only did we defeat Ba'al and the Replicators, you ensured that Anubis would never again threaten this galaxy. And then all Jaffa were united under our new leader, Bra'tac.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Bra'tac? Really? That hasn't happened here yet.
Alternate: And with the new threat to this galaxy, I returned to SG-1.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Right, along with Col. Mitchell, myself, and eventually Col. Carter, who rejoined following her...
Alternate: Following her honeymoon.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What? No, I was going to say following her stint on Prometheus. Honeymoon?
Alternate: Indeed.

Teal'c: The crew appears to have abandoned ship, General Hammond.
Major: That's good news. I don't mind telling you we've all been holding our breath down here.
Teal'c: That is most unwise.
Major: [smiles] Yes, of course, Teal'c.

Teal'c: [Symbiote nerve gas has been released] M'zel, there may still be time!
M'zel: [Struggles and dies, saying] I - die - free.
Teal'c: [pauses] Indeed.

Colonel: So what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
Colonel: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure. He is concealing it.

Major: We received a communique from a Goa'uld named Nerus. Ring any bells?
Teal'c: I am aware of his identity. He was a minor Goa'uld who served Ba'al for many centuries.
Major: What can you tell me about him?
Vala: Honestly you don't want to know.
Major: Honestly I do.
Vala: Why?
Major: What do you say we go with the idea that I'm in charge, and I've asked a simple question.

Teal'c: Most often, dreams are merely the mind's way of dealing with desires that cannot be fulfilled.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh. So basically, I'm destined never to get a good night's sleep again.
Teal'c: Knowing your past experiences, Daniel Jackson, I do not know how you have slept well before now.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Thank you, Teal'c. This conversation has been disturbing on... many levels.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Teal'c, how do Jaffa couples handle their problems?
Teal'c: On Chulak, a dispute between a man and a woman that cannot be resolved necessitates a pledge break. It must be requested by one and granted by the other.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: And if that doesn't work?
Teal'c: A weapon is required.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: So how do we fight these guys? And I mean the message as much as the men. A lot of folks out there are going to buy what these guys are selling.
Teal'c: Hopefully now many have been educated to the ways of false gods.
Vala: Yes, but we're not talking about humans with snakes in their heads with a slightly better understanding of technology.

Samantha: Teal'c, what about these?
Teal'c: They are intar.
Jack: Short for?
Teal'c: Intar.

Colonel: Uh, General, sir? About the obviously impending court-martials, I'd like...
Major: You were all under the influence of an alien technology, Colonel. That's a pretty solid defense.
Colonel: Even so, I... I'm sorry.
Major: Me too.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Me three.
Teal'c: [Jack, Sam, and Daniel all turn to look at Teal'c] I have no need to apologize.
Major: Teal'c was actually following orders.
Colonel: [resignedly] Of course he was.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: All those years you were fighting the Goa'uld, did you ever just step back and say "sooner or later our luck's going to run out and we're gonna get our asses kicked"?
Teal'c: Never.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Never, not once? Even though you were vastly outnumbered fighting an opponent with superior technology and firepower.
Teal'c: They may have had the superior forces and resources but we possessed something far greater.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Which was?
Teal'c: A just cause. I had no doubt the Goa'uld would be defeated. Perhaps not in my lifetime but I knew eventually they would fall and I have no doubt the same fate awaits the Ori.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: You see that's what I like about you, you're always positive. Hell, you've probably already passed this bug situation and are thinking about what movie you want to watch tomorrow night.
Teal'c: I was considering "Old School".

Teal'c: O'Neill. What is happening? Why am I restrained?
Colonel: Well, you were sort of... trying to kill everyone these past few weeks.

Teal'c: I am ashamed that my brothers have utilized these methods.
Cameron: They're desperate.
Teal'c: There is no honor. Freedom without honor is meaningless.

Jack: D'oh!
Teal'c: What is it, O'Neill?
Jack: I forgot to tape The Simpsons!
[Teal'c blinks]
Jack: It's important to me.

Teal'c: On Chulak, when a great warrior retires from the field of battle, it is customary to sing a song of lament.
[pause]
Teal'c: Fortunately we are not on Chulak.

Jack: So what does he really want?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You heard him yourself. He wants sanctuary.
Jack: I'm not buying that.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: He gambled we would show compassion even to our worst enemy. He was right.
Jack: You think he orchestrated this? Let me tell you something. The only compassion I showed him was by not blowing his head off.
Teal'c: I have witnessed once powerful Goa'uld enter the service of their conquerors in exchange for life. When Apophis himself was a conqueror it gave him great pleasure to see his enemies so weakened.
Captain: But we're a long way from being his conquerors.
Teal'c: But we are greatly responsible for his downfall.
Major: He lost an army when you destroyed those two ships in orbit.
Captain: Bra'tac did say that seriously weakened his place among the Goa'uld System Lords.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: So his blood is in the water and all the other sharks are having a feeding frenzy.
Teal'c: And he has come here seeking refuge.
Jack: Well that's tough. I say we beat whatever information we can out of old snake boy, open that gate and toss him back to the sharks.

Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill has officially informed me that I have my "mojo" back.

Colonel: How are we on consumables?
Teal'c: We have sufficient power and life support for several days.
Teal'c: Several days? Well, that's something. How long will this thing take to get to wherever it's going?
Teal'c: Assuming this device is programmed to return to Apophis's home world, several hundred years.
Colonel: Several hundred?
Teal'c: Years.
Colonel: Yeah, just uh... let me do the math on that here.

Teal'c: Colonel Mitchell, at times you remind me of O'Neill.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Ah! I'll take that as a compliment.
Teal'c: As you wish.

[SG-1 are stunned to see what appears to be a Goa'uld symbiote attached to a large womb in a tank similar to a fish tank. There are wires attached to the womb portion which is fleshtone in color and in stark contrast to the grey color of the symbiote. The symbiote seems to look at them as they enter the room]
Teal'c: A queen.
Colonel: No kidding.

Teal'c: You are suggesting that Ba'al attempted to gain control of the High Council in order to gain access to the Ancient device.
Vala: With the purpose of wiping out all life in the galaxy, except his own little corner, of course.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: That was Anubis's plan.
Ba'al: I never said it was original.

Colonel: Carter, be honest. The résumé gag?
Teal'c: It needs work, O'Neill.

Teal'c: Indeed.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Tell us about Va'lar.
Teal'c: I have not heard that name in years. I trained with him under Bra'tac. We served in the personal guard of Apophis.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What happened to him?
Teal'c: He failed his god.
Colonel: His god? You mean that scum sucking, overdressed, boom box voiced snake in the head? Latest on our long list of dead bad guys?

Jonas: How'd ya learn to drive?
Teal'c: It was Daniel Jackson that instructed me.
Jonas: Oh, when was that?
Teal'c: I believe the year was 1969.

Teal'c: Ten seconds.
Bak'al: Where are you going?
Teal'c: I am leaving. You are about to explode.

[Teal'c and Jack are playing golf through an active Stargate]
Jack: How far away is Alaris, anyway?
Teal'c: Several billion miles, O'Neill.
Jack: That's gotta be a record.
[Jack swings again as Major General Hammond approaches]
Major: [shouting] Colonel O'Neill, what the hell are you doing?
Jack: [shouting back, annoyed] In the middle of my backswing?

Jack: Jaffa jokes? Let's hear one of them.
Teal'c: I shall attempt to translate one, O'Neill.
[Teal'c thinks]
Teal'c: A Serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's nose drips.
[Teal'c breaks into boisterous laughter, but he's the only one]

Teal'c: [looking in O'Neill's refrigerator] Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O'Neill?
Young: Hey, come one, that salsa's still good.

Teal'c: Given the dangers we may face, it was decided that we would proceed alone.
Alternate: So if this plan goes FUBAR, we're the only ones to go down with the ship?
[Mitchell indicates that he is right]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [wryly] Well, there's plenty more where we came from, right?

Michael: After the concert, me and Jenny are thinking of crossing the border up to Canada.
Teal'c: For what reason?
Michael: You know, man. The war.
Teal'c: The war with Canada?

Teal'c: Sokar is a Goa'uld of ancient times. He was once ruler of the System Lords but was defeated by an alliance of Goa'uld many centuries ago. Apophis and Ra were among his conquerors.
Captain: Where did he go?
Teal'c: Apophis himself believed him destroyed. Obviously, he was mistaken.
Jack: If he was almost wiped out how bad could he be now? It's rhetorical Teal'c.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: His name is also very old in Earth mythology. He was the most feared deity in ancient Egypt, the original god of death.
Jack: Got anything a little more up to date?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't know what he has been up to lately but according to the Book of the Dead there was a time he ruled all of Earth. His lands around Memphis were covered by darkness and inhabited by serpents.
Teal'c: Unas. The first host of the Goa'uld.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well that makes sense. If the Unas were the first ones there had to have been a time when both form of Goa'uld host coexisted, Unas and human. Kind of like Neanderthal and human.
Jack: Which is he?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't know but his portion of Tuat or "Other World" was filled with lakes of fire where the wicked were thrown into as punishment after torture and mutilation.
Jack: Hell.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, basically he was the original Satan.
Jack: Well isn't that special.
Gate: [Over the PA system] Incoming traveler.
Jack: Speak of the Devil.

Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Jack: Never run with... scissors?

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: We're supposed to stay under the radar.
Teal'c: I doubt if this world possesses such technology.

Jack: Teal'c, how fast will this unit fly?
Teal'c: I believe it is capable of traveling twice the speed of light.
Jack: Nice. Home for dinner.
Sam: Ah, sir, if you're thinking of trying to steal the ship and fly it back to Earth, even at 372,000 miles per second, it would still take us at least ten years to get that far.
Jack: [pause] Shoulda let the dog out.

Colonel: Prepare to fire on my command.
Colonel: As the weapons officer you'd think he'd already be prepared.
Teal'c: Indeed.
Colonel: The bridge isn't exactly where you're supposed to be during a battle drill.
Colonel: No, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.
Colonel: Can it wait until we're not in the middle of a drill?
Colonel: When are we not in the middle of a drill? Okay. We'll talk about it later. Teal'c, prepare to assist in damage control.
Teal'c: I am prepared, O'Neill.
Colonel: See how melodramatic that sounds? It's unnecessary.

Martin: They put an implant in my head. I always thought they were sending me signals.
Teal'c: To whom are you referring?
Martin: You know, "Them"? The secret government?
[waits for them to understand, but they don't]
Martin: The-the New World Order? Black helicopters, underground bases? Don't you guys read the papers?

Major: Welcome home, SG1. How did it go?
Colonel: Oh, General, you know how I love those sandy planets.
Teal'c: The wind was most pleasant.
Colonel: Jaffa sarcasm at its finest, General.

Colonel: Teal'c, the weapons system we installed shouldn't be affected, right?
Teal'c: What are you considering, O'Neill?
Colonel: Our missiles.
Teal'c: At this velocity a great deal of thrust would be required to significantly alter our trajectory.
Colonel: We just need a nudge.
Teal'c: I am unsure of that specific measurement.

Teal'c: Should we not wait until Colonel Carter returns from Washington?
Major: She's still there briefing the President on the scenario that played out in the alternate reality where the Stargate was made public.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Well that's taking longer than it was supposed to.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It could be a good way to examine what might happen here.
Major: Sounds like President Hayes is having a hard time just getting past the fact that he wasn't President.

Teal'c: False god. Dead false god.

Punk: I'll remove myself when you tell me how they do tattoos like that in Chulak.
Teal'c: The skin is cut with an Orak knife. Then pure molten gold is poured into the wound.
Punk: Ow, man. Don't that hurt when they do that?
Teal'c: [Teal'c grabs him by the throat and moves him] Tremendously.

Thoran: Your underlings will not allow me to leave.
Major: My officers and enlisted personnel are following my direct orders.
Thoran: This Jaffa threatened my life.
Teal'c: I merely informed you that any further attempt to activate the Stargate would result in physical injury.

Jack: [as Teal'c] It did not go well, General Hammond.
Teal'c: [as Jack; sarcastically] Ya think?

Teal'c: I know of no Goa'uld capable of showing the necessary compassion or benevolence that I've read of in your bible.
Jack: You read the bible Teal'c?
Teal'c: It is a significant part of your western culture. Have you not read the bible O'Neill?
Jack: Oh yeah, yeah... not all of it. Actually I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.

Jack: Teal'c, you don't have to stick around.
Teal'c: Undomesticated equines could not remove me.
Jack: Wild horses, Teal'c.

Teal'c: We located this vessel in a field several miles from here.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: We were onboard trying to override the command code when it was remotely activated and flown onto the roof of the school.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: That's right. You brought us to you.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: After that, it was a simple matter of activating Chimera. It's an Asgard holographic projection system. It made it look like we beamed in.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: And you might've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for us meddling kids.

[versions of Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter and Teal'c have travelled back in time to Egypt in the year 2995 B.C. where they meet the Daniel Jackson of the original timeline]
Daniel: Well, this can't be a good sign.
Jack: Why's that?
Daniel: Where am I?
Jack: Ancient Egypt?
Daniel: No, I mean the me from your timeline.
Teal'c: I killed you.
Daniel: Why?
Teal'c: You were a Goa'uld spy.
Daniel: Good reason.
Dr. Samantha Carter: It was horrible.
Daniel: [not really interested] Yeah, I'm sure. Why are you here?
Jack: Yes, excellent question.
Daniel: You don't know?
Jack: Well, I thought I did, there, for a while, and then I realized I... didn't.
Daniel: Well, I know why *I'm* here.
Jack: Good! Let's start there.

Jonas: Those of us who are not originally from the planet Earth gotta stick together, right?
Teal'c: Are you suggesting an alien conspiracy?

Major: I can sneak around all I want, totally undetected. I give us the element of surprise. The bottom line is, I can do more for this planet invisible than I ever could as my own sweet salient self.
Teal'c: I assume I am staring at you stoically.
Major: Not buying it, eh?
Teal'c: No. You are most transparent, O'Neill.
Major: Oh, I get it. Good one.
Teal'c: I can see right through you.
Major: Don't push it.

Teal'c: The people of this town are behaving strangely. Even for humans.

[Teal'c manages to effect the escape of the imprisoned SG-1 team from a hellish prison planet despite the obstructive efforts of Aldwin, who believed the task impossible.]
Teal'c: [seeing the team safely aboard ship] We have escaped.
Aldwin: I am sorry I doubted you.
Teal'c: I am as surprised as you that we have survived.

Michael: Hi, I'm Micheal, what's your name?
Teal'c: I am not at liberty to reveal my identity

Major: Would anyone care to speculate how a boy could be aware of our most classified information?
Major: Well, sir, it-it could be him.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: There is a physical resemblance.
Major: But he can't be more than 15 years old. Are you saying Colonel O'Neill has somehow regressed more than 30 years overnight?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Stranger things have happened.
Teal'c: Name but one.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, there was the time he got really old; the time he became a caveman; the time we all swapped bodies...

[in the Farscape sequence]
Vala: [as Aeryn Sun] Call me fahrbot, but they're gonna have our mivonks on a platter if we don't Starburst the draz out of here.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [as Crichton] The cluster's been damaged. We're not goin' anywhere.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [as Chiana] Oh, dren.
Teal'c: [as Ka D'Argo] Hezmana!
Vala: [as Aeryn Sun] Frell.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [as Stark] Son of a hasmot!
Asgard: [as Dominar Rygel XVI] Yotz!

Teal'c: We have won.
Jack: Well, that's what we do.

Jack: So, now what?
Teal'c: I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of Jell-O.
Jack: Call Daniel.

Jack: You will come with me.
Teal'c: I will submit to no further experiments.
Jack: [to Teal'c] Oh but you will.
[to the guards]
Jack: I'll take it from here.
SF: I can't allow that, Sir.
Jack: Oh but you can.
[Jack shoots the guards with a zat gun]
Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill, I presume?
Jack: What gave it away?

Colonel: [Rak'nor has contacted Selmak's ship to let him know that he has escaped in a glider with Teal'c] How do we know that?
Teal'c: [Very weakly] It is good to hear your voice, O'Neill.

General: I always like to get a view of the man in the cockpit. How does she fly, son?
Teal'c: [Deadpan] The vehicle preformed within expected parameters.
Colonel: Woo-hoo! Sorry, sir. I couldn't help but get caught up in Teal'c's enthusiasm.

Ba'al: How dare you judge your god? The Shol'va has poisoned your mind.
Teal'c: Clearly Lord Ba'al is not interested.
Oshu: We should contact one of the other system lords.
Teal'c: Mm. Perhaps Bastet.
Oshu: Hmm.

Master: I would not like to be the one who opposes you.
Teal'c: I have learned from the best, old friend.
Master: I have not said this to you before, and I should have. You are the son I never had. I could not be more proud.

[Bra'tac, Teal'c and General Hammond are looking for, and find, an "old style" death glider]
Teal'c: There is an old Jaffa saying, General Hammond: They do not build them as they once did.

Teal'c: I believe the Canucks of Vancouver are superior warriors.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, Teal'c, who are they?
Teal'c: My knowledge of the Goa'uld Moloc is limited. However, I am unaware of any Goa'uld who would permit his women Jaffa to be warriors.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: They seem to be well trained.
Teal'c: All females receive training. They are expected to defend their home world with their lives if their men are called to battle.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I can't help but think of the ancient Greek amazon mythos.
Colonel: Yes. Me too.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: They were female warriors who occasionally captured men from other tribes in order to mate with them. Would often, um, would sometimes remove their right breasts so they could more easily fire a bow and arrow.
Colonel: I see neither bow nor arrow.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No.
Colonel: Wait, you don't s'pose that's why they want us, do you? You know, the three of us.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: To... to mate with? No, no, I don't think so.
Colonel: 'Cause you know me, I'm all for helping people.
Major: [incredulously] Oh, God.

Teal'c: Are you still having visions, Jonas Quinn?
Jonas: Not since the surgery, no.
Colonel: So, no... lottery numbers?
Jonas: Fraid not.
Colonel: No trip to Vegas, just you and me?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Who makes a movie out of a series that only lasted three episodes?
Teal'c: It allegedly performed well on DVD.

Teal'c: Have I not conducted myself as a typical member of this community?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [nods] Mhm... No.

Colonel: What are you smiling at?
Jonas: Well, it's just that it's my first time. In space.
Colonel: Ah.
Jonas: We'd only begun to consider the possibility of space travel. To actually be out here is... it's amazing.
Teal'c: Indeed.
Colonel: Until something goes horribly wrong.

[O'Neill and Teal'c are fishing at O'Neill's cabin]
Teal'c: There appears to be no fish here, O'Neill.
Colonel: T, it's not about the actual fish, themselves. Fish are not important in this context. It's about fish-ing, the act of fishing itself.
Teal'c: I see.
[cell phone rings]
Colonel: You didn't?
Teal'c: By request of General Hammond.
Colonel: [mutters] No way.
[Teal'c slaps a mosquito as he answers phone shouting]
Colonel: What?
[calmer]
Colonel: Yes Daniel, he's right here. Please hold.
[hands the phone to Teal'c]
Teal'c: Daniel Jackson. We have caught nothing. We are fishing.

Jack: Laira, when's the big show start?
Laira: Soon. Be patient.
Jack: Oh, I'm patient. I'm nothing if not patient. When's it start?
Laira: Is he always like this?
Teal'c: Quite frequently.

Teal'c: We are attempting to build a whole new system of government that will span Jaffa worlds throughout the galaxy.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Yeah, how's that going?
Teal'c: Not well.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Well, your people did just renounce their gods. I guess we've got to cut them a bit of a break.
Teal'c: Too many are still steeped in an old culture full of antiquated rituals and are slow to accept change.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: I understand Major Davis and SG-7 are trying to help out.
Teal'c: That has caused problems as well. Many view the Tau'ri with the same level of mistrust as a would-be enemy. They see the proposed system of government as a means to control and subvert their newly acquired freedom. My allegiance to the Tau'ri is not serving me as well as you might think at winning votes from the most traditional of the Jaffa electorate.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Wow. Politics really does suck everywhere you go.
Teal'c: Indeed.

Colonel: How is he? Dr Jackson. Dr Brightman told me what happened.
Teal'c: His condition is improving.
Colonel: Good.
Teal'c: And your condition?
Colonel: Not so good. But not so bad as the time I went drinking with General Dashkevich in Novgorod. That was worse headache.

Colonel: Uh, Teal'c. On our "6", is that what I think it is?
Teal'c: If you think it is Earth, yes.
Colonel: It's shrinking.
Teal'c: Its size remains constant. Rather, it is we who are moving away at extreme velocity.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wow, this coffee's great!
Samantha: I was just thinking that.
Jack: Yeah, is that cinnamon?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's, uh, it's chicory
Jack: [contemplative] Hm, chicory.
[Teal'c unscrews the lid from the coffee pot and drinks the contents]
Samantha: Teal'c?
[He continues to drink as everyone looks, then finishes]
Jack: Isn't that hot?
Teal'c: Extremely.
[the others look shocked]
General George S. Hammond: Just stay on the base. We're going to need to keep an eye on you for the time being.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I feel fine.
Teal'c: As do I, Daniel Jackson.
General George S. Hammond: For someone who just drank a half gallon of steaming hot coffee?
Jack: Right.

Teal'c: I am 101 years of age
Loran: You don't look that old.
Teal'c: So I have been told.

Teal'c: Apophis must have transported off of Sokar's ship before it exploded.
Jack: Somebody's got to teach that guy how to die.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ten minutes after that C4 goes this whole mountain is going to explode.
Teal'c: I am aware of that.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: So the fact that we're staying is based upon a completely informed decision.
Teal'c: It is.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, just making sure.

Teal'c: If you once again try to harm me or one of my companions, my patience with you will expire.

Malek: It's imperative that we'd be allowed to seek another location for our base.
Colonel: Yeah, you might want to put that on hold. We have a situation.
Teal'c: There's a saboteur among us.
Major: A Naquadah generator almost went critical this morning. We've discovered it just in time.
Malek: And if you hadn't?
Colonel: We wouldn't be having this chat.

Dr. Bill Lee: According to these readings, there's a ten pound block of Naquadah in this thing.
Agent: What's that supposed to mean?
Dr. Bill Lee: It would be very bad if it went off.
Agent: Well, it's a bomb, right? I mean, usually it's not a good thing when they go off.
Dr. Bill Lee: True.
Agent: Can we move this?
Teal'c: From what I know of Goa'uld weaponry, that would be unwise. It may have a sensor that would detect such an action.
Dr. Bill Lee: Yeah, I don't even want to go there.
Dr. Bill Lee: Let's see if we can disarm it here first.
Agent: Let me get the local authorities to start evacuating the area.
Dr. Bill Lee: Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Agent: How many miles are we talking about here?
Dr. Bill Lee: I dunno. How big is Orange County?

Teal'c: [as he steps out into space] One small step for Jaffa...

Teal'c: You may take us to Nicholas Ballard immediately.
Jack: He's just a little anxious to see old Nick.
Nurse: Oh, are you close?
[Teal'c and Jack speak at the same time]
Teal'c: No.
Jack: Yes.
[pause]
Teal'c: Yes, extremely.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Daniel returns to the mines in royal robes after being healed, visiting the remaining SG1 members who presumed him dead] Hi guys!
Sam: Daniel! Oh... wow!
Jack: Surprisingly difficult to kill you isn't it?
Teal'c: We are pleased to see you, Daniel Jackson.

Samantha: You think it might be a booby trap?
Teal'c: Booby?

Teal'c: The symbiote I carry appears to protect me.
Jack: Way to go, Junior!

Colonel: You walk in there unannounced Zarin could have you sacrificed immediately.
Teal'c: That is a great possibility.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Let me ask you a question. Who would you trust with your life more than anyone else in the world? Don't worry, I won't be offended if you don't pick me. Could it be Teal'c?
Jack: Sure.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ah, Teal'c, just refresh my memory. What was your previous occupation?
Teal'c: I was First Prime of Apophis.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Right. Did a few nasty things back then?

Captain: Even though we can't see them, these Reetou can definitely see us.
Teal'c: Which puts us at a great strategic disadvantage. I understand why the Goa'uld want to eliminate them.
Colonel: They're Goa'uld, Teal'c. That's their job.

Vala: Do you think the Ori warriors could have found a way to get through the time-dilation field and over here onto the ship?
Teal'c: No.
Vala: Because I'm hearing things all the time. Are you hearing things?
Teal'c: I am trying not to.
Vala: Maybe they found a way to ring over, but they can't figure out how to secretly shut off the time-dilation field, so they're trying to drive us crazy and make us shut it down ourselves.
Teal'c: No.
Vala: That wasn't a question.
Teal'c: No.

General: How does she fly, son?
Teal'c: The vehicle performed within expected parameters.
Colonel: Woohoo!
[pause]
Colonel: Sorry, sir. I couldn't help but get caught up in Teal'c's enthusiasm.

Teal'c: A Goa'uld offspring is born with the intellect and knowledge of the queen who bore it. Normally the fully developed personality would emerge, allowing the symbiote to control the host immediately upon blending.
Colonel: Glowing eyes, cliché behavior, evilness, that kind of thing.

Vala: You need to tell these people the truth.
Vala: I have a lot of needs, Daniel. But I assure you that is not one of them.
Teal'c: If you do not tell them the truth, we will.
Vala: Yes, and who do you think they are actually going to believe?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Look, commanding these people to obey you and not the Ori is not going to work, especially once that Prior comes back.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: And we do not want to get into a god off. Especially since we know you're not even close.

Colonel: So how do we stop him... it... whatever?
Teal'c: By destroying the body entirely.
Major: Claymores.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Ooh, that's what I'm talking about!
Major: We just plant two of them opposite each other, and run a trip wire right through the middle. Then all we gotta do is lure him in.
Colonel: Piece of cake. While we're at it, maybe we can teach him how to speak Japanese.

Major: I understand this man had some injuries when you brought him in.
Teal'c: Dr. Langham was reluctant to accompany us back to the SGC. He required some convincing.
Major: All I'm saying is that we have to be careful. We're operating way outside our jurisdiction, and like it or not, this man has rights.
Teal'c: He will volunteer the information. Of that I'm certain.

Teal'c: [Referring to Vala's mysterious prenancy] You have been impregnated without copulation.
Vala: Yes, and I'm absolutely terrified. Have any of you ever heard of anything like it?
Cameron: [after everyone pauses] Well, there's one.
Teal'c: Darth Vader.
Vala: Really?
Teal'c: Hmm.
Vala: How did that turn out?
Cameron: Actually, I was thinking of King Arthur.

Dr. Janet Fraiser: I gave you a sedative. You should be asleep.
Shan'auc: Kal'ma has neutralized the sedative.
Dr. Janet Fraiser: Kal'ma?
Teal'c: It means child. The demon you carry within you is no child!
Shan'auc: Do I not carry it in me as I would my own? Have I not taught it right from wrong as any mother would? You have closed your mind, Teal'c.

Teal'c: Are you able to translate any of this, Jonas Quinn?
Jonas: It's not Ancient, but it's definitely a language belonging to one of the races of the Ancient alliance.
Colonel: Nox? Asgard?
Jonas: Furlings.
Colonel: Oh, no. Not those guys.
Jonas: What?
Colonel: Oh, I don't know. I just can't imagine cute, little, furry things making big powerful weapons, that's all.
Jonas: I don't even know what they look like.
Colonel: Furling. Sounds cute and fuzzy to me.
[Teal'c smiles]

Dr. Bill Lee: We've been working on this chair for two years to make it a viable virtual reality training tool for SGC personnel.
Teal'c: You have failed.
Jack: He's nothing if not honest.
Dr. Bill Lee: Well, I mean - I mean, maybe we could, er, it could use a little more work but...
Jack: Can you make it harder... more difficult?
Dr. Bill Lee: Well, I mean, we can input, uh, the parameters for different scenarios, but the vast majority of the simulation array comes from the mind of the user. It- The programming is actually built by interfacing memories from the individual's consciousness with the chair's matrix.
Jack: Carter, all I heard was "Matrix", and I found those films *quite* confusing.

Teal'c: According to Jaffa legend, the Tok'ra are the Goa'uld resistance. Their stated goal is the destruction of the System Lords and a change in the ways of the empire. They are hunted and despised by the Goa'uld.
Jack: Yes! My kind of guys.

Samantha: Well, he can't actually make us do anything we don't want to, sir.
Dr. Janet Fraiser: Then why did I have to treat your arm for a burn? Didn't you say Urgo was responsible?
Urgo: I didn't mean to!
Samantha: He didn't mean to.
Teal'c: It was not his intention.

Jack: Master Teal'c, might I suggest we spare them this time?
Teal'c: Very well... underling.

Young: Had your Tretonin yet this morning?
Teal'c: [turning to the others] How could this child possess such knowledge?

Teal'c: The Celts were formidable warriors in their time. Their descendants may make valuable allies.
Colonel: You've seen Braveheart too often.

Del: There's something your new friend here does not want you to know. The Serrakin are not to be trusted.
Teal'c: The Serrakin freed your ancestors from the Goa'uld.
Del: For what purpose? Sharing technology? Living in harmony? All lies. The Serrakin are seizing control of our world piece by piece. Taking power and opportunity away from pure blood humans. Polluting our race by cross-breeding. Weakening it by design, don't you see? The Serrakin are no better than the Goa'uld.
Eamon: This is insane Tynan, our society was built by both races, for the good of all Hebridians.
Del: Is that why Serrakin hold all the highest positions and humans are treated as second class citizens?
Eamon: That's not true! When Hagan finds out about this...
Del: Hagan is one of the primary architects of human oppression on this planet. The winner of the loop of Kon Garat will be a pure blooded human. And that is merely the first step.
Eamon: You're just mad because you've been passed over for advancement three times.
Del: Think I'm the only one? There are enough of us to make a difference.
Eamon: Has it occurred to you that maybe the reason you've been passed over so many times is not because you're a human, but because you're a moron?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I hope it's important. I was right in the middle of translating that cuneiform tablet we found on P3L-255.
Major: I still have to finish recalibrating MALP 3K sensors for long-term reconnaissance on P5X-3D7.
Teal'c: I was unable to complete my Kelno'reem.
Colonel: I was just about to do something important.

Jack: We brought pizza and a movie.
Teal'c: Star Wars.
Jack: He's seen it, what? Eight times?
Teal'c: Nine.
Jack: Nine times. If Teal'c likes it, it's gotta be okay.
Major: You've never seen Star Wars?
Jack: Well, you know me and sci-fi.

Colonel: What's your time frame there?
Jay: Um, a day or so, you know, but then you guys can get right back to saving the world again. For the seventh time.
Teal'c: Eighth.
Colonel: What, you're counting?

Teal'c: Undomesticated equines could not drag me away.

Teal'c: That is not Daniel Jackson.
Major: But is he a Goa'uld?
Dr. Janet Fraiser: No, sir, but at the moment he's every bit as arrogant.

Teal'c: You are like a brother to me, O'Neill.
Colonel: You're like, what... 140?
Teal'c: A younger brother perhaps, but that is not my point.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm confident.
Jack: Me too.
Teal'c: As am I.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Are we still doing movie night?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Yeah, why not?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Yeah, I've already picked something out.
Teal'c: Old School.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Starship Troopers.
Teal'c: Is it humorous?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Is it ever.

Bra'tac: This Tretonin seems to have had an effect on your memory.
Teal'c: Why would you say such a thing?
Bra'tac: Because you have forgotten that a warrior's true strength comes from his heart and his mind. You have had a physical advantage over me for a long time, and yet I have never lost a sparring match to you.
Teal'c: Because for years, Old Man, I have let you win.
Bra'tac: [laughs] Better. Much better.

Jack: Hammond is insisting SG-1 needs a socio-political nerd to off-set our overwhelming coolness.
Teal'c: Have you considered Jonas Quinn?
Jack: Now I know you've been practicing, but I still can't tell. Was that a joke?

Netan: Flying into our territory in an unmarked cargo ship? I didn't think you were that stupid.
Teal'c: I have allowed myself to be captured knowing that I would be brought before you.
Netan: Really?
Teal'c: I have come to seek the assistance of the Lucian Alliance.
Netan: I take it back. You're not stupid, you're insane.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: How'd you resist the brainwashing? I figure I might be in that situation some day, and I don't reckon I'm going through the Rite of M'al Sharran.
Teal'c: To resist the influence of others, knowledge of one's self is most important.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Right. Thanks.
[Teal'c leaves]
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Yeah, I'm workin' on it.

Teal'c: Do you believe this prototype weapon will be effective against it?
Colonel: We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: There's no easy way to tell you this, so... Sam's just gonna come out and say it.
Major: Well, sir, as you know, the Asgard depend on a cloning technology...
Young: Oh, for cryin' out loud!
Teal'c: You have been cloned, O'Neill.
Young: [turning to face them] What!

Shan'auc: Since word came to the temple that you betrayed Apophis I have thought of you every day.
Teal'c: As a Shol'va?
Shan'auc: No, Teal'c. Because of you my doubts became certainties. When we were children you were always the strongest, the bravest. That you would one day be First Prime was never doubted. But you did what no Jaffa before you had ever done. You challenged the gods themselves and won.

Colonel: You've got that look.
Teal'c: To which look are you referring, O'Neill?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: The one that says, "I have misgivings about this mission, but deep down I know we're doing the right thing"?
Colonel: No, the other one.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh.

Teal'c: Since it is their planet, is it not we who are the aliens?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Actually, the word alien refers to anything characteristic of a very different place or culture, anything really strange relative from our own perspective.
Jack: Think we call you alien because you're from Chu'lak? Ha.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: When I said that I wanted to get the team back together, work with you guys, learn from ya... I did not mean every waking moment for the next 50 years.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You said that yesterday.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [blank stare] I did?
Teal'c: [staring at his food] And the day before.
Vala: And the day before that.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Oh... sorry. I'll just... shut up now.

Apophis: Who are you?
Daniel: Name's Daniel Jackson. Uh, if you give me back my eyeglasses, I could actually see you.
Teal'c: He claims he's of the Tau'ri.
Daniel: You weren't supposed to tell him that.
Apophis: The Tau'ri have no Chappa'ai.
Daniel: Oh! Sorry, guess I was wrong. I'm-I'm sure your information is correct and - In fact, I'm usually quite wrong, quite unreliable actually. I'm - To be honest with you, I'm-I'm insane.
Apophis: Speak!
[pause while Daniel doesn't speak]
Apophis: Bring him.
[Teal'c hauls him forward]
Apophis: I think there is much you can tell me.
Daniel: Well, if you wanna know about the early settlements of Mesopotamia, I am somewhat of an expert...

Teal'c: The destruction of the hammer device to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible.
Jack: General, I gave the order.
Dr. Daniel Jackson,: And I fired the staff at the machine.
Samantha: And I... was there.

Teal'c: This indicates it belongs to Sekhmet.
Agent: Who was that?
Teal'c: A Goa'uld who at one time was loyal to Ra.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: From what we know, she was a powerful ally of his. He would routinely dispatch her to rule planets in his stead, quell rebellions, oversee mass executions. You know, all the fun stuff.

Teal'c: Events do appear to be repeating themselves.
Daniel: Since when?
Jack: Since we went to P4X-639.
Major: We haven't been to P4X-639.
Jack: Yes we have.
[to Daniel]
Jack: "No we haven't." That's what you were gonna say.
Daniel: Of course that's what I was gonna say.
Jack: Okay, bad example.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [re: the number of mission files] No, I'm pretty sure it's 1,263. Pretty sure I've read all the files recently.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Actually, you haven't read 30185.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: 30185. What's that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We can't tell you.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: What do you mean, you can't tell me? I have the highest security clearance known to mankind. What is 30185?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: We were sworn to secrecy.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Why even mention it to me if you're not gonna tell me what it is?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Sorry.
Vala: Can you tell me?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh yeah, we can tell you.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Well, it has to do with the time that the gate sent us back to 1969.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Well that can't have anything to do with me. I wasn't born until a year later!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Actually, it was *nine months* before he was born.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [taken aback] What?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: You hafta remember, it was the sixties.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: C'mon. You have to have known that Jack's always taken an interest in your life.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Jack. O'Neill?
Teal'c: Indeed.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Remember when you were chosen for the 302 program even though you thought you weren't going to get in? How about when you were chosen for SG-1?
Vala: [Giggles] Wait, are you saying that Jack O'Neill is...
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: -my daddy?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's all starting to make sense now, isn't it?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Oh, I'm being punk'd, aren't I?

Colonel: Teal'c. It's good to see you well.
Teal'c: In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you.

Daniel: Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me?
Teal'c: I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson.

Teal'c: May I offer you a word of advice?
Jacek: Any input that would help me better myself would be greatly appreciated.
Teal'c: Perhaps three words: be less annoying

Oshu: My master is not well. He spends most of his time in the sarcophagus. He is there even now.
Teal'c: Why does he not take another host?
Oshu: I believe he has reached the point where he is incapable. Lord Yu is the oldest of the System Lords. He has reigned for countless centuries but now I am beginning to fear that even gods cannot live forever.
Teal'c: Lord Yu is not a god.
Oshu: There was a time I would have struck you down for speaking those words.

Colonel: You led Apophis into the mothership which was occupied by SG1 and the Tok'ra Selmak. You could have gotten them all killed.
Teal'c: At the time, I was made to believe that my time with the Tau'ri was a subterfuge.
Colonel: And now?
Teal'c: I am loyal to the Tau'ri.
Colonel: Why should I believe you?
Teal'c: If I were still loyal to the Goa'uld you would know it.
Colonel: Really?
Teal'c: It would be immediately apparent, as I would not hesitate to kill you where you sit.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, we have a couple of options. Number one, we give up. We use what's left of power and life support to make it to the nearest unoccupied gate world. There's a small chance we'd make it. From there we head to the Alpha site.
Jack: Number two?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We take off and hope that our radio signal can be picked up by the Asgard in time to inform them that this was a Goa'uld attack disguised as a natural disaster.
Sam: There isn't enough time for that.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I know.
Jack: Is... there a number three?
Sam: There's no three.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, maybe there is. Teal'c, you said Naquadah wasn't native to our solar system.
[Teal'c nods in acknowledgement]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Which means that the Goa'uld must have towed it through hyperspace by ship.
Teal'c: A mother ship.
Sam: Daniel, that's it!
Jack: What's it?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We don't have a mother ship.
Sam: But the effect only has to last a few seconds.
Jack: What only has to last a few seconds? What?
Sam: Choice three, sir. We expand the ship's hyperspace field to encompass the entire asteroid. We take it out of normal space long enough to avoid the collision with earth.
Jack: [Long pause] Is there a *four*?

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: I'm telling you, it's time you got your own place.
Teal'c: I endeavoured to establish a life off-base last year; I even went so far as to acquire my own apartment. Unfortunately, it did not work out.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Yeah, you got framed for murder but you can't let one bad experience put you off. Hell the first time I moved out, I got next door to a guy who practised drum solos all night long. When we get back, I'm going to help you find your own place.
Teal'c: That will be unnecessary.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Dude, what are friends for?
Teal'c: For listening when they are told that will be unnecessary.

Jack: You know the worst part about this? Every time we loop Daniel asks me a question, and I wasn't listening the first time.
Teal'c: You're not the only one to suffer some discomfort, O'Neill.
[loop resets; cut to Teal'c getting hit by a door]

Ba'al: You didn't think that just by calling out its name, you'd suddenly be able to control it?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't know. Name magic is common in most mythologies. To know something's secret name is to steal its power.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: So what are we supposed to do, just start guessing?
Vala: Daryl the dragon.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: How about Smokey?
Teal'c: Perhaps Puff?

Teal'c: SPOILER: Senator Kinsey seems most displeased.
Colonel: Yeah, well, that's a crying shame.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I just hope we don't regret giving them those gate addresses.
Colonel: I don't think we will... the first one being a black hole, and all. They get progressively darker after that.

Martouf: The Tok'ra believe that Sokar is about to launch a massive attack against the System Lords.
Jack: Isn't that good news?
Teal'c: The chaotic and feudal disorganization of the System Lords' fragmented rule is a far more vulnerable target than that of one powerful Goa'uld.
Martouf: Especially if that Goa'uld is Sokar.
Jack: He's really that much worse than the others?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Of all the gods he picked to impersonate, he chose the Devil.

[Teal'c and his alternate meet in a parallel universe]
Teal'c: [speaking Goa'uld] Kel'nok, Teal'c.
Alt: [shocked] Kel'shak.
Teal'c: Renounce Apophis as a false god and join us in our deliverance of this world and I will spare you.
Alt: Shol'va!
[Teal'c shoots his alternate self]

Teal'c: It is ironic that not so long ago, the mere presence of the Goa'uld on earth would have been cause for great concern.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Seriously. Who'd ever think that we'd have bigger fish to fry? Or that you'd use the word ironic in a sentence!
Teal'c: Indeed.

Teal'c: I once again pledge to you my allegiance and ask your forgiveness for succumbing to the will of Apophis.
Colonel: Well he did sort of have you over a barrel, you being dead and all.
Teal'c: It was through the power of the sarcophagus that I was forced to again believe that Apophis was my god.
Colonel: Sarcophagi will do that.

Teal'c: Do you not experience increased health and vitality?
Young: My *vitality* was just fine, thank you.