250 Best 21 Jump Street Quotes

Derek: [to Johnny] We don't like you, hot shot.

Captain: Why didn't you regurgitate the drug, Penhall?
Officer: Puke?
[laughs]
Officer: I can't do that, I never could.
Captain: You an undercover cop, Penhall, you LEARN to puke!

Lauren: Okay, so what happens now?
Officer: We book you for suspicion of conspiracy in the Belmont robberies. We've got a pretty good case. You'll probably be sent to a J.D. school.

[first lines]
Officer: Let's do it, people.

Officer: The man stuck a gun inside my ear!
Captain: Would you relax, Hanson? He didn't pull the trigger!
Officer: Oh yeah, there's always a bright side, huh?

Officer: These drugs are schedule 4s, they're not even controlled substances.
U.S. Assistant Attorney Jack Culliton: They were pushing to have a lot of these drugs reclassified.
Captain: Unfortunately the deeper we bury them, the richer the black markets get filling their holes.

Off. Tom Hanson #2: [after bowling a strike] Oh! Another slam-a-rino for the Kingpins! Yeah!
Girl: Your friend?
Off. Doug Penhall: [chuckling] Yeah well, sort of I guess.
Girl: He's very good, isn't he?
Off. Doug Penhall: If you like guys who say "slam-a-rino", yeah

Sgt. James Adabo: I've been a cop for 18 years, 6 months, 13 days.

Officer: Nobody believes me. Fuller thinks I'm crazy, Hanson thinks I'm crazy, IAB thinks I'm crazy.

Tyrell: [to Kenny] Don't you like rap music?

[last lines]
Officer: I'm a cop, guys.
Fred: So?

Captain: Penhall.
Officer: I'd be happy to supervise, Captain.
Captain: You're going to be riding with Sergeant Adabo.

Reginald: Hey, hey, hey. Not bad. How come I never met you?
Officer: 'Cause you were too busy getting punched out by the principle.
Reginald: I still woulda heard.
Officer: Oh, yeah. Well I heard about it way over at Jefferson. I just transferred in.
Bobby: Hey, Reggie, another new student man. Come on, we better go check her out.
Reginald: No. I'll shake her down myself. Check out her bag.
Officer: Let me know if you find something you like.

Captain: This is Spencer Phillips. He's with the feds.
Officer: [to Phillips] How come you guys always have names like corporations?

Officer: What would your parents do? Would your parents pay 75 grand to get Doug back?
Officer: Doug who?

U.S. Assistant Attorney Jack Culliton: She'd been stacking a weird mix of diuretics and synthetic hormones. She had herself down to 6 percent body fat, her heart just couldn't take it. Frankly this is the worst case this office has ever seen.
Officer: Worst case of what?
Captain: Steroid abuse.
U.S. Assistant Attorney Jack Culliton: Bone structure anomalies, kidney damage, nosebleeds, she was even taking a break drug: medroxyprogesterone.
Officer: Merdoxy... meh... break drug?
U.S. Assistant Attorney Jack Culliton: Stops a woman's growth, gives them a few more years in the sport wear, 16 is over the hill. Laura Jordan hadn't had a normal menstrual cycle in years.

Off. Tom Hanson #2: Doug I know you're sorry, You know how I know? You've apologised to me 430 times! You cleaned my desk, You washed my car... You brought a whoopie cushion... You've sharpened all my pencils!
Off. Doug Penhall: Any of them need re-sharpening?
Off. Tom Hanson #2: No! No...
Off. Doug Penhall: Well, It's just that, you know, shooting your partners just a very stupid thing to do! You gotta be a little mad at me.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: No I'm not
Off. Doug Penhall: Oh you gotta be... You know it's very unhealthy to keep this stuff couped up, you should let some steam off get it off your chest.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Alright! Alright. I sharpen my own pencils pal, understand? Noone sharpens my pencils but me... Noone
Off. Doug Penhall: Then you are a little mad...
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Of course I'm mad you shot me in the ass! and I'll never forgive you okay? There.
Off. Doug Penhall: Oh Wonderful, Terrific! One little mistake and you're gonna keep a grudge over me for the rest of my life? Fabulous!

Off. Tom Hanson #2: This is Jump Street Chapel, right?
Officer: Only if you're Catholic. Ioki, here, thinks it's a Buddhist temple. Me? I think it's a synagogue. You know, my Mom's Jewish, which only means I get to celebrate both guilt and Hell.
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Yeah, you see, his father used to be a priest, so don't play bingo with this guy. He's a killer.

Officer: Can't a guy be in a good mood?
Officer: Not if he's you. Now cut it out, you're scaring us.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Okay.
Officer: Look, I'm sorry I've been acting like such a jerk. Let's just forget everything I said before, okay?
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Yeah, it's forgotten.

[first lines]
Mr. Antonini: The sun which is the overall picture of the universe, or rather insignificant star, is however important to us in many ways. Can you give me some examples?

Captain: You don't have to call me sir, I'm not uniform.
Officer: Good cops like you are always in uniform.

Jodie: If you're ever in L.A., I'd like to thank you personally.
Officer: Excuse me, guys, I have to go phone the airline.

Off. Tom Hanson #2: If you would've just kept your mouth shut, we'd still have our car.
Off. Doug Penhall: You said something, too. They took our badges!
Off. Tom Hanson #2: [with a Mexican accent] We don't need no -
Off. Doug Penhall: [together with Hanson] - stinking badges!

[last lines]
Diane: Thank you.
Officer: No, no, no. Thank you. You don't bowl do you?

Captain: The K.K.K. put another kid in hospital today. That makes three gang related injuries in the last thirty days.
Off. Doug Penhall: Is this guy Friendly Neighbor?
Captain: Yes, they seem to be the latest target.

Officer: [to Captain Fuller] Well, maybe the rainbow wasn't enough.

Off. Tom Hanson #2: A guy from homicide sent me a dozen roses.

José: [to Adabo] It's a cook house man. I know it, I can feel it. It's a cook house.

Officer: This is a vintage machine, it's a work of *art*. It's like a - it's like a Da Vinci.
Officer: Now it's a Warhol.

Off. Doug Penhall: Oh! Oh! You're not supposed to be watching that. Where's the babysitter?
[Clavo points to the door where Doug hears giggling from inside the bedroom. Doug knocks]
Off. Doug Penhall: Hey! You've got five seconds to get your clothes on and get out of there before I light your friggin' underwear on fire. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
[the babysitter and her boyfriend run half-naked out the door]

Captain: Now remember you gotta get close to Madigan and I.D. the gang members.
Officer: How are we supposed to do that?
Captain: You're undercover cops. You're supposed to have an imagination. But use your heads 'cause I'm sending you in armed.
Officer: Hey, Jenko never sent us into a school armed.
Captain: That was Jenko. And what I'm looking at here is a Frasier blood who wants to kill a principle.

[last lines]
Captain: Hey, what do you say we let them take him down town and we go out for pizza? Just a joke.

Officer: Anyone want pizza, only 147 slices left?

Mr. Ritz: [to Tom] This is not a really impressive completion record, Bower. Seems like at Wilcox High you threw a lot of interceptions.

Susan: Hi.
Officer: Hi.
Susan: Looks like you could use some help.
Officer: Yeah I could. My tire's flat.
Susan: Only on the bottom.

Brent: Okay, the subject of Patti's impromptu speech will be: Why I Like To Party.
Patti: Umm... Why I Like To Party. I don't know.

Off. Tom Hanson #2: Hey, Penhall, did you go to your prom?
Off. Doug Penhall: What is that a trick question? Hanson, I went to my first prom when I was eleven.
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Well, I never went to mine. I guess when I was in high school, I never believed it was the last time I was gonna be there.
Off. Doug Penhall: Ioki, what do you think we do all day?

Noreen: Mom, would you give me a break? I mean, come on, I got to hear this every ten seconds.
Mrs. Weckerle: What's the difference? You only listen for one. Come on, Anorexia, dinner. REAL food, remember?
Mrs. Weckerle: Prehistoric. Packs of fat around the old heart.
[turns on rock music]
Mr. Weckerle: Do we HAVE to listen to that?
Mrs. Weckerle: She's YOUR daughter.
Mr. Weckerle: Yes, but she listens to YOU.
Mrs. Weckerle: Only for a second, the rest is just white noise.

[first lines]
Captain: Speeding right along. Apparently somebody is trying to relocate South Central High School one room at a time.

Sgt. James Adabo: Crack Road. This is the bottom. Non affiliated dealers, nowhere left to go.

Captain: Now we're about 4 weeks ahead of you, Hanson, so I'm going to have to rush you through some of the training.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: What kind of training?
Captain: Hoffs! Gonna teach you how to be a teenager again, how does that grab you, sport? I'm talking about the bad kind, the kind that gets into trouble, the kind you're gonna have to be like so they think you're one of them.

[first lines]
Denny: And everyone's waiting two hours to find out why this kid killed his babysitter, right?

Officer: I usually work with Penhall on an assignment like this.
Captain: Ah. Are you guys dating?

Captain: [to Penhall] I didn't put you back in that uniform just to see if you've gained weight since the academy.

Drew: [It's midday and Drew is still in bed sleeping. The phone on the nightstand rings and he answers it] Yeah?
Lane: [On the car phone] Hey, what are you doing? Are you sick or something?
Drew: I'm sleeping.
Lane: Sleeping? Drew, it's lunchtime! Put on a tie...
Carly: [Carly snatches the car phone from Lane] Drew, you missed your history midterm, you idiot!
Drew: Yeah I know, I kinda felt like blowing it off.
Carly: [In disbelief] You felt like blowing off your midterm?
Lane: [Taking the car phone back] Drew, I'm proud of you!

Officer: Ey, where's the money?
Bobby: What the heck are you talking about pretty boy?
Officer: I'm talking about somebody who owes a hundred and sixty dollars for all these pizzas.
Bobby: Hey, look man, what's the matter with you? Come on, we've taken over here!
Officer: Ask me if I care. I want one sixty. If I don't get it, you guys go hungry.
Bobby: You better give me those pies, man.
Officer: Forget it.
Ziggie: Hey, Bobby. Yo, Bobby, what the heck is going on, man?
Bobby: Mick, come here. Give me a hand with this clown.
Officer: Hey, essay?
Ziggie: Essay? What are you crazy man? Hand over these pizzas, come on.
Officer: You might as well shoot me, 'cause Tony will if I come back without the dough.
Bobby: Get inside. Come on, move! Move!

Officer: Gentlemen, we have some excruciatingly bad news for you guys. We're cops. You're under arrest.
Stevie: [laughing] I love these guys! These guys are great.
Officer: No really. We really are cops.
Stevie: I think they're serious. You guys are really cops?
[Hanson and Penhall simultaneously flash their guns]
Mark: Aw Jeeze.
Stevie: Oh man. What a lousy way to make a living.

[first lines]
Hoagy: Working late tonight Mr. LaForse?
Marty: Oh? Yes, I'm falling behind on my grading.

Captain: You guys are going back to the academy.
Officer: What?
Officer: Are you kidding?
Captain: [points at his face] Do I look like I'm kidding, Penhall?
Officer: No.

Officer: I'm thinking about quitting.
Officer: You mean, like, turning in your badge? Oh c'mon man, you just got it back! What are you talking about? You can't quit being a cop. It's in your blood man. Your father was a cop.
Officer: What are you, my biographer?
Officer: No, I'm just saying it's the natural thing for you to do. What the hell are you gonna do anyway?
Officer: I'm gonna check my options.
Officer: Oh, like there's a really long list is there?

[last lines]
Cadet: Dismissed!

Dolores: [bumping into Blowfish] Excuse me, Officer.
Sal: Officer, me? Are you crazy? I'm a maintenance engineer!

Officer: [after hijacking a school bus] Top of the morning ladies and gents! Everybody just relax and the McQuaid brothers will guide you safely and soundly to your destination. We'll be cruising this morning at speeds between 40 and 140 mph so just kick back, and enjoy the ride!

Darlene: Well it's like Ozzie's car. Do you think that maybe I can get it? I mean we were almost common-law and all.
Officer: I don't think so, Darlene.

Officer: [playing baseball] Good eye, Harry. Wait for your pitch.
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Hey, you guys may have invented the game, but we perfected it.
Officer: Yeah, sushi and baseball both, right?

Captain: You started doing pornography when you were 15.
Lacey: [a crack addict] 14, I look old for my age.
Captain: You said it.

Officer: I feel like I got taken advantage of, Doug.
Officer: Hey whoa, wait a minute, I'm the one who came over to be consoled, I'm the one whose friend is driving around with a murderer, I'M the one who everybody thinks is crazy! I thought maybe you were a sympathetic ear.
Officer: Oh, so you're trying to tell me you weren't planning on getting me in the sack when you came over last night.
Officer: No.
Officer: Then why did you have those things with you?
Officer: ...Things with me?
Officer: You had condoms in your wallet, Doug.
Officer: I always have condoms in my wallet.
Officer: Yeah?
Officer: Yeah. Like when you go for a drive, you bring a spare with you in case you get a flat.

Off. Doug Penhall: [Seeing all of Drew's stolen merchandise] You've been a busy camper!

Off. Doug Penhall: This guy is the worst burglar I've ever seen. He's drunk.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Hammered.
Off. Doug Penhall: Pickled.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: To the gills.

[first lines]
Stand Up M.C.: You ever try to argue with little people?

Man: What in God's name do you want?

Gavin: [Tom is posing as a bouncer in front of a nightclub. Gavin sees him reject some patrons] You're obnoxious. But I like that!
Officer: They don't!
Gavin: That bothers you?
Officer: No, I'm not really here to make friends.

Officer: Look, without Jenko this thing's gonna be nothing but Charlie's Angels.
Captain: Do you want to give me a break, Hanson, or do you want to get back to that desk at headquarters?
Officer: What I want is for the mayor to realize he just can't plug some new guy into a program like this. I mean, who's gonna run it? You?
Captain: I don't have the wardrobe. Adam Fuller. The guy's a Captain, transferred out of the sixteenth precinct. Before that he was N.Y.P.D., spent eleven years undercover.
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Yeah, probably going to tell us he was in Sirpicles graduating class.
Captain: Look, you guys don't have to like this, but you're signed on for professional police officers, and I expect you to act like it.
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Look, Captain, with all due respect, but there is no way anyone is gonna take Jenko's place.
Captain: I have no intentions of taking Jenko's place.

Commandant: [reading Hanson/Harrison's file] Fighting, disrespect of superior officers...
Officer: [as Sgt. Harrison] It was a confusing time of my life, Sir.
Commandant: It was last month, Harrison

Lancer: The stupid new kid.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Fine. I see I'm going to have to put this into terms you can understand. That's my stepbrother, Douglas. He's kinda lame, but it's not his fault. You kick his tail - he tells my stepdad - my stepdad kicks my tail. Then I'm going to have to come back here and kick your tail. So, why don't we leave him out and I'll just kick your tail right now?
Lancer: Ooh tough talk, Junior. You see, uh...
Off. Tom Hanson #2: It's a custom. Getting used to newcomers like that. I appreciate it.

[last lines]
Captain: Am I understood?
Officer: Yes, Sir.
Captain: Now get out of here. Oh and guys, that's a two day suspension without pay.

[first lines]
Officer: [to Tom] Hey, you gotta see this man, it's totally amazing.

Officer: So you're really gonna do it, huh?
Officer: Yes, I'm gonna do it. Why is it so important to you that I break up with Amy?
Officer: I'll tell you why it's so important - you've been dating her for twelve weeks, but you've been talking about breaking up with her for eleven!

Bus: Where's your pass?
Off. Doug Penhall: My dog ate it.
Officer: I got the same dog!

[last lines]
Margaret: Tom, what kind of woman do you think I am?
Officer: Two thirty average, huh?

Dave,: Save your preach, cop. I reject everything, man. And it's not because I'm unhappy or confused or afraid of reality. See, I can, I can, chew up the nastiest tastes reality has to dish out, man. And if reality serves me up some raw sewage, man - I'll, I'll slurp up a whole toilet-bowl full and call it ambrosia.
Officer: You always had a way with words, Dave.

Busdriver: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Where's your bus pass?
Off. Doug Penhall: [as Doug McQuaid] My dog ate it.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: [as Tommy McQuaid] I got the same dog.

Drew: [Seeing Sawyer about to throw Wally in the shower] Hey Sawyer, why don't you leave the kid alone?
Jerome: Why don't you shut up Wilder, or you're going in next!

Off. Doug Penhall: [after being awaken in the middle of the night by Hanson] Why didn't you call?
Off. Tom Hanson #2: You wouldn't have let me in.
Off. Doug Penhall: I know. Why didn't you call?

Captain: Go see the shrink.
Officer: He's not gonna make me lie down on a couch, is he?

Captain: The kids name is Reggie Brooks. Guys like him don't handle being humiliated. They lose the rep, their gangs take a walk. We put out a warrant for Brooks right after a pipe bomb blew off the hood of Madigan's car. He disappeared. Reggie is a three time loser as a juvy, last week he turned eighteen. So this will be the first time that he's been suspected of a felony as an adult.
Officer: What about the bloods?
Captain: Death threats, angry acts from the gang members for skipping school. My bet is they're just waiting on the word from Reggie to take that shot.

Officer: What colleges?
Mike: Arizona, UCLA, maybe State.
Officer: Pac-10, sissies and wieners, I thought you were serious.
Mike: So what do you consider a big school, hot shot?
Officer: Big 8, big guy.
Mike: Yeah? So what's your bench, big guy?
Officer: ...210.
Mike: With your baby fat? This I gotta see.

Officer: [Checking Judy's ID] How does it feel to be legal?
Officer: Fabulous if it means I don't have to take your crap anymore.

Leit: You want me to take action on a highly decorated street cop with eighteen years on the force, on the basis of some rookie's hunch. No, I don't think so. You bring me something more solid and then we'll talk.
Officer: Solid? What do you want? Snap shots?
Captain: Penhall!

Off. Tom Hanson #2: Nice digs Doug, you dog. I dig em.

Officer: [after being awaken in the middle of the night by Hanson] Why didn't you call?
Officer: You wouldn't have let me in.
Officer: I know. Why didn't you call?

Laurel: Would you call this a case of life imitating art?
Officer: Yeah, sure.

Off. Doug Penhall: You know... I had them move the desks closer together, so you wouldn't strain your voice if you call for me

Off. Tom Hanson #2: Aliens travel 6 light years for a good deal on a car stereo BELIEVE IT... or not.
Off. Doug Penhall: You're never going to let me forget this, are you?
Off. Tom Hanson #2: DOUG, YOU'RE PSYCHIC!

Officer Harry Truman Ioki: H.T. Ioki.
Officer: H for Harry, T for Truman. Guess what year his parents moved to the States?
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Yeah, and I'm named after a guy who dropped an atom bomb on my house.

[first lines]
Blonde: Did you go?
Blonde: Oh, he was so good.

Off. Doug Penhall: [to Hanson] You know, if I could kiss it and make it feel better, I would.

Vinny: I used to carry their golf clubs. I mowed their lawns. And now I work on their cars for them because they can't get their hands messy changing a few spark plugs. We're never good enough for them, are we?

Officer: You okay?
Officer: I can beat this guy.
Officer: Beat him? What're you talking about? You're not even supposed to race him!

Officer: Do you think I'm crazy?
Officer: Mm, it doesn't matter.

David: Save your preach, cop. I reject everything, man. And it's not because I'm unhappy or confused or afraid of reality. See, I can, I can, chew up the nastiest tastes reality has to dish out, man. And if reality serves me up some raw sewage, man - I'll, I'll slurp up a whole toilet-bowl full and call it ambrosia.
Officer: You always had a way with words, Dave.

Lane: [Seeing Ricky staring at Judy] Listen, Ricky. You think you could find your way back to the Coke machine and bring me my drink?
Ricky: Yeah, I think so.
Officer: Gee, you're so sensitive, Lane!
Lane: I'm just asking the guy to do his job!

Officer: [while mechanics are turning his vintage Mustang into a drag racer] Why can't they just shoot it and put it out of it's misery?

Lane: [Trying on some sunglasses at the mall] Hey, I like 'em!
Officer: Nice, how much?
Lane: A hundred and fifty.
Officer: So buy them already. But do it fast Lane, I'm starving!
Lane: I'll probably lose them anyway.
Officer: I'm that way about guys who DON'T buy me lunch!

Officer: How many times have you seen this?
Off. Tom Hanson #2: 122 times... but I don't watch the whole tape. I watch 3.3 seconds. 3.3 seconds that slipped through my fingers. 3.3 seconds where I could've done a thousand different things. But I didn't move. Do you know how many things you can do in 3.3 seconds? You can take off your shoes, pop a beer, and shoot someone in 3.3 seconds.
Officer: Come on, Hanson.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: You can hold your finger down on the remote control and pass 17 stations in 3.3 seconds. You can open a can of tuna fish, shuffle and bridge a deck of cards, or twist the tops off six bottles of ginger ale in 3.3 seconds.
Officer: Hanson, please!
Off. Tom Hanson #2: You can ring a doorbell 22 times, lock and unlock a deadbolt four times, or sing the entire alphabet in 3.3 seconds.
Officer: Hanson, please! Please.

Noreen: [to Hanson] Hey, are you old enough to be a cop? You look just like that kid from 'Pretty In Pink'.
Charlie: Yeah, but we don't let him wear pink anymore. Attracts attention.

Officer: [to Judy] I don't want to walk into work and have you hate me because you think I tried to take advantage of you, okay?

Off. Doug Penhall: What do you want me to do? Kill myself?
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Yes!
Captain: [as the guys come in dressed for the prom] Well, well, well. Far out. Looks like we've got a Japanese Elvis Presley, a pimp, and the butler.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: With the budget we've got, you're lucky we could afford to rent the pants.
Captain: Maybe you should go without the pants, tell them you're a poor butler.

Drew: I never asked you to sacrifice nothing.
Mr. Wilder: The proper word is "anything"!

Off. Doug Penhall: Full wedgie removal! I perfected that move myself, in summer camp, July '75!

Officer: [to Reggie] You're not going to Indiana, Reggie. You're under arrest. I'm a police officer. You make one move and I'll blow a hole right through your head.

Officer: That's just great, Judy Hoffs, road hazard!
Officer: Kinda.

Reginald: How much is 20 pizzas worth?
Officer: How about the whole sophomore class? They're all a bunch of wimps anyway.

Tyrell: Get up! Get up! Stay quiet. Stay alive.
Mr. Weckerle: Please do what he says. We'll do anything you want, just don't hurt anybody. What do you... What do you want?
Tyrell: Ask your little no colored crime boy, huh? You owe me six grand.
Mrs. Weckerle: Kenny, do you know these boys?
Kenny: Ma, please! Look, guys, I'll get it, I'll...

Officer: [simultaneously, as the McQuaid brothers] Hello! Hah!

Officer: [undercover as Judy Morris] Do you mind if I sit here?
Lauren: No, go ahead.
Officer: [undercover as Judy Morris] This is a great library. The one over at Jefferson was only half the size.
Lauren: You're a transfer.
Officer: [undercover as Judy Morris] Yeah, it's my first day. I'm Judy Morris.
Lauren: Lauren Carlson. I transferred in last semester. It's pretty cool here.

Scott: [about to pull a name from a container of potential winners to win a Porsche] I can't believe the number of people who've tried to bribe me to pull their name. You'd think one of them would meet my price!

Off. Tom Hanson #2: [about Lancer] I don't get it, what does he want with a bunch of high school kids?
Captain: You said they worship his music, maybe he wants to be God. It's a great position to be in if you think about it.

[first lines]
Officer: [impersonating Marlon Brando to Harry] You remember that night in the garden?

Off. Tom Hanson #2: You know, man, this thing was completely bizarre. I mean, it's like this weird apparition off shot you know.
Off. Doug Penhall: Let me guess, you stood in the corner and took votes all night.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: No man, I got out there and got into it.
Off. Doug Penhall: You slammed and I missed it?
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Yeah, you get out there and you bash into a bunch of other guys. You sweat a lot. I mean it's just another sub culture. Taking orders, packing rules, that kind of thing.

Off. Tom Hanson #2: Did someone mention the manly art of poker on Valentine's day?

Officer: Hi, I'll catch you later, okay.
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Hi.
Officer: What's up?
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Listen, I got a date with Lauren for tomorrow night.
Officer: You still think she's a hooker?
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: I don't know. We didn't say very much.
Officer: Harry, come on, you've dealt with working girls before. Does she really strike you as one?
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: That's it, I don't know yet. Besides what makes you sure that she isn't?
Officer: It's the same old story, Harry. A bunch of guys get together making up stuff. "She's hot. She can't get enough. She swings through chandeliers." And nobody ever stops to think about how it affects the girl.

Sgt. James Adabo: I don't know how he slipped wearing those hundred dollar running shoes.
Officer: What?
Sgt. James Adabo: I said I don't know how he slipped wearing those hundred dollar running shoes.
Officer: What're you talking about?... I mean yeah, I don't know either.

Officer: [sarcastically to Hanson] Oh, you picked a *great* time to become irresponsible.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki: [to Lauren] Ah, Lauren, I just got the worst headache.

Off. Tom Hanson #2: Okey-dokey.

Officer: [incredulous] They're running!
Officer: [resigned] They're running.

Off. Doug Penhall: We don't want money. We want... lunch!

Susan: Boys didn't kiss like this when I was in high school.
Officer: It's a good thing, you never would have graduated.

Officer: All this trouble just to prove you exist. I could've told them!
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: I wish!

[last lines]
Officer: Get over here.

Off. Tom Hanson #2: [about Hoffs] Hey Jenk, you know I'm starting to like that lady. What's her deal?
Captain: Hey, don't sweat it man. You'd never make the wait.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Don't bet on it.

School: I like the hat!
Off. Tom Hanson #2: I like the hair!
Off. Doug Penhall: Very false
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Nice sheen: Only one thing missing...
Off. Tom Hanson #2,8185: [together] BANGS!

Officer: He didn't do anything, it was my fault.
Captain: That's right, he didn't do ANYTHING. That's why the department calls it acquiescing. Partners are responsible for each other, you know that, and you know that it works both ways. Your screw up last night could cost him HIS job too, think about it. That's all.

Niles: My future's so bright...

Jody: That's my music, Jordan. I heard it first.
Jody's: How's that ankle?
Jody: THAT ankle's fine, mine hurts like hell.
Jody's: Then instead of sneering your teammates, Jody, why don't you sit down and show them some support?
[Jody's nose starts to bleed]
Jody's: Sign yourself out and get off that foot.
Jody: I've practiced in more pain.

Off. Doug Penhall: I hope you don't have one already... Tada!
Off. Tom Hanson #2: It's very nice... What is it?
Off. Doug Penhall: It's a pillow.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Where's the rest of it?
Off. Doug Penhall: No, it's supposed to be like that... It's for guys who have...
Off. Tom Hanson #2: What?
Off. Doug Penhall: Hemroids.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: You hope I don't already have one? Make this go away
Off. Doug Penhall: Okay... I'll put it over here, in case you change your mind. It's right here alright?

[first lines]
T.J. Caldwell: [to Jonathon Kelley] I cleaned out your laundry.

U.S. Assistant Attorney Jack Culliton: Heart attack is the official cause of death, but you know how that goes over with me. 15 year old with the blood pressure of a Wall Street veteran.

Spencer: Some bomb! Four road flares and some telephone wire!

Charlie: [after a car chase] Okay buster, get your hands were I can see them and freeze!
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Wait a minute, don't shoot! I'm a cop!
Charlie: Says who?
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Says me.
Charlie: [to Tom Hanson] Hanson. I should have known. I didn't recognize you without the bandage on your partner's nose.

Female: Is that what they tossed you out of Westminster for?
Officer: No, that was more of an honor code situation.
Officer: [gesturing towards Hanson] That dork violated the honor code?
Officer: Well, he's really quite corrupt once you get to know him.

Lauren: It's getting kind of hot in here, huh? You wanna get out of these clothes huh baby?
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Don't you wanna talk about the price first?
Lauren: I don't think I can wait that long.

Officer: [after learning that Darryl wants to make a $4,000 bet] I think you have a problem.
Darryl: Yeah, I need two grand by next week.
Officer: No, I mean with the gambling.
Darryl: Oh, right. Here it comes. I'm a compulsive gambler and I can't help myself? I'm in college, what am I going to lose? My house? My car? My wife? I'm on my own. I'm putting myself through school, I don't have a problem. If I pull this off today, I can double this money tonight, because I know who's going to win.
Officer: Darryl, do you realize you don't do anything but gamble?
Darryl: Okay. I ski, I play tennis, I collect rare stamps. Can I make my bet now?

Cadet: I'm afraid what happened to you's gonna happen to me!
Woody: It's not hereditary, Rick.

Off. Doug Penhall: She killed herself on anti-depressants? What did she do, chuckle herself to death?

Amy: Getting the right people to come to these meetings is half the battle. Go ahead and read it, if it's not right for you, maybe you could pass it on to someone you think would be a good role model. Lot of good kids out there.
Officer: Yeah, there's a lot of bad ones out there too.
Amy: [about Hanson's reluctance to get involved] I wonder why.

Mr. Wickenton: You'll be surprised how often you can reduce everyday activities into algebraic equations.
Off. Doug Penhall: Yeah, I find myself doing that all the time!

Police: I'll tell you what I'm gonna do Daryl - I'm gonna give you my new number.
[Flashing his police badge]
Police: Seven Twenty Three!

Officer: [in a thick Kentucky accent] Hey! Did you steal that earring from your Momma, little buddy?
Officer: Why would I want to do that if your Mother gives them to me for free?

Sal: Go home! You know what I do when my toilet gets stopped up at home?
Officer: I can't imagine!
Sal: I call a plumber, you can't work all the time.

Captain: While you were out in the field getting your butt kicked by all the bad grownups, me and my guys here were training to do some real battle. You see, the way I look at it, child is the father of man. I mean these bad grownups are coming from somewhere, they don't just hatch that way, that's why we're trying to yank them out while they're still in high school, dig?

Susan: You lied to me.
Officer: No, I misled you. And as weak as it sounds, I was just doing my job.

Kenny: Come on Waxer, leave me alone man.
Tyrell: [to Tom] You're gonna like it here boy. You're gonna like it a lot if you like dying.

Captain: He's got an undercover program. It's the Mayor's baby. Nobody on the force knows about this except Silver Shields and Up. It's called Jump Street Chapel. Now the reason it's called that is because this particular undercover unit works out at an old abandoned chapel on the corner of Jump Street and Sixth. Interested?
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Not yet.
Captain: Every year the department takes younger looking officers. At least younger looking ones we think can handle the pressure. Teach them how to be teenagers again. Then we send them out to various high schools where we could use a good man undercover.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Kinda like Fast Times at Bust Ya Buddy High?
Captain: Kinda.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Yeah. No, thanks. Y'see, I hated high school the first, you know. Swimmin' in gym class without trunks, health films, not getting the girl you wanted because you're not wearing groovy enough shoes. And I don't think I'd get off cutting some kid for a spit ball at his chemistry teacher.
Captain: I've had eleven homicides in high schools since December.

[last lines]
Off. Tom Hanson #2: [setting up his sax] Well, I figure maybe I can sit in with you guys for a set.
Captain: You? You're going to sit in with us? You?
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Yeah, if you can keep up.
Captain: Say what? Hey, don't strain yourself bro.

Brian: In two years none of this is going to matter. And don't give me that 'maybe none of us will be here in two years' because I WILL be and none of this is going to matter!

Lane: You guys wanna see a movie?
Drew: You guys go ahead, I gotta go.
Lane: Drew, c'mon! Nobody studies 7 nights a week, it's not natural!
Drew: I'm the future leader of tomorrow - I gotta be ready!

Captain: Don't you ever do that again! You call, you get somebody, you get arrested, but you do not leave me sitting here wondering if you are alive. Penhall said he stuck with you as long as possible, then he came back and reported in, which is what you are supposed to do.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Yes, sir.

[last lines]
Holly: [playing herself at the end of the episode] What was that number again?
Peter: [playing himself at the end of the episode] Holly, it's right there.
Holly: [playing herself at the end of the episode] Oh.

[first lines]
Margie: I don't think we should do this Jane, I don't.
Jane: Of course we shouldn't, that's why we're doing it.

Epilogue: Jody Moreland made it to the final round of the Zone meets, but was disqualified for injecting cortisone acetate into an ankle injury that wouldn't heal. Mike Ogletree reported to State College. He collapsed on the playing field during the 4th game of the season. He lost a kidney the next afternoon.

Off. Doug Penhall: Studs and leather, here I come. KKK - awesome band.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Band?
Off. Doug Penhall: KKK- Klean Kut Kids. It's a band. It's a gang. It's a floorwax. You gotta keep up with the popular culture, Hanson.
Captain: Sorry, Penhall. They're not gonna buy two of you. one of you goes in hardcore, the other's just cute.
Off. Doug Penhall: Hanson? What are you breaking the laws of nature here? I'm a natural.

[last lines]
Officer: I think he threw the kid off the roof.
Captain: Shut the door.

Sgt. James Adabo: [Pnehall's wearing a long sleeved police uniform] Summer uniform has short sleeves.
Officer: ...Only one I got.

Officer: What's up at the door?
Officer: Not too much. Just check IDs, take a guy's keys away, bounce a couple dudes. Nothing too rough!

Off. Doug Penhall: Hanson, Hanson, Hanson. I'm trying to save your life here, but you're going to have to give me a little help. Bowling? I once knew a kid who's father was a bowler. He ran away from home. He was three. His mother helped him!
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Listen, Penhall, maybe there's still time. You know, maybe Thomas here isn't any good.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: You want to know what my handicap is?
Off. Doug Penhall: Yeah, bowling!

Drew: [Revealing the stolen Porsche] What do you think I can get for it?
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Just off the top of my head...
[Showing his badge]
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: I'd say 3 to 5 years!

Off. Doug Penhall: [to Wally] We can't protect you for the rest of your life, you gotta learn to take care of yourself!
[Raises his voice]
Off. Doug Penhall: C'mon, be a man!
Officer: We salute you!

Off. Doug Penhall: [Sawyer has Wally in a headlock] Put him down.
Jerome: Eat it!
Off. Doug Penhall: You must wanna see what the inside of your neck looks like!

Officer: Nadia, you want to talk about it?
Nadia: Talk about what?
Officer: Talk about what's bothering you. All this running around, five days, nine guys.
Nadia: That is none of your business.
Officer: Maybe not, but you can talk to me about it if you like.

Officer: You need to get your ears pierced.
Girl: That's what I tell him.
Officer: Really? Good, hand me that fork.

Reginald: [negotiating on the phone] Does anybody want anything?
Officer: Yeah I want the $160 for my pizzas.
Officer: And I want to use the bathroom.

Officer: What's going to happen to all these people?
Sgt. James Adabo: They'll die.

[last lines]
Officer: What do you think?
Officer: I don't know. There's always the possibility they might be telling the truth.
Officer: Nah.

Captain: Hoffs, how you doing with Ozzie's girlfriend?
Officer: I think I may be getting somewhere.

[last lines]
Social: [to Darlene] The next opening will be in four months.

Officer: We will find out who Lauren's partnered with. Just let me try talking to her first before we arrest her.
Captain: Wait, wait, wait. I want to know what she's done to deserve this special handling besides lie to you from the start?
Officer: Her mother's a pro, her father's non existent. The girl probably was raised in the back room of a massage parlor, she never had a chance.
Captain: Hoffs, we are police officers not social workers.

Coach: [to Mike Ogletree] Instead of risking injury, why don't you show the new kid the RIGHT way to turn baby fat into muscle?
Officer: [whining] What's with this baby fat?

[first lines]
Captain: When you're a cop, there's nothing new to learn about when it comes to death.

Captain: You two are going into her school.
Officer: As what, jocks?
Captain: For Penhall, yeah.

Captain: Y'know, I wish you were my kid Lane.
Lane: Yeah?
Captain: Yeah! You wouldn't smile for a week!
Lane: If I was your kid, I'd be living in a house the size of my game room!

Ralph: Well, we got a real life entertainer here.
Captain: Yeah, Reggie's jacket.

Officer: You've had this thing for days, you're getting nowhere! You're gonna push this into a dead pile and no one is gonna look at it for 6 months!

Officer: You know what I think? I think you always hated these people until you got a chance to be one of them.
Officer: Well you know what? Maybe you're right because now I hate YOU.

[Jenko arguing about Hanson's date with the teacher]
Officer: I'm sorry.
Captain: Hey, hey, you're a person. You don't have to apologize for having a personal life. You should just always remember to have it on your two-week-vacation each year.

Officer: Hey Doug, how you doing? I was worried about you.
Officer: Why? I'm fine.
Officer: Well you blew out of here last night, you didn't say anything, and I called you half the night and
[clears throat]
Officer: you weren't home.
Officer: Yeah?
Officer: Yeah, so what'd you do? Did you get lucky?
[impersonates Doug]
Officer: Hi, I'm Doug Penhall, I'm so depressed, won't you take me to bed and cheer me up?
Officer: ...Went home early, went to sleep, guess I didn't hear the phone. You got a sick mind.

Sgt. James Adabo: [finding a kid dead in the school parking lot] Guess who's going to be late to class.

[last lines]
Captain: [to Doug] I think maybe the next time I have a couple of drinks before driving home, I'll think twice.

Captain: A hundred and fifty thousand dollars damage in one night. Mail boxes, lawns torn to shreds, spray paint from one end of the neighborhood to the other.
Off. Doug Penhall: The whole gang is implicated, Sir.

Captain: Like that sound?
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Not really.
Captain: Me neither, PRAISE GOD HALLELUJAH! Maybe I'm saved! Been a deadhead since Woodstock!
Off. Tom Hanson #2: I didn't go, I was only 5.

[last lines]
Off. Tom Hanson #2: You know this means I'll have to arrest you, right?
Brian: I know.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: I'm sorry.

Reginald: [Hostage taker Reggie Brooks is negotiating with Fuller for some pizzas] I want ten with sausage, ten with pepperonis. And no anchovies. I see one anchovy and I kill the librarian.

Mr. Walker: You had an undercover officer out there racing with him? A police officer racing a car 100 mph in the middle of the night?
Captain: Look Mr. Walker, both the officer involved and myself are terribly sorry for what happened to your son. But, he was out there on the street breaking the law without anybody twisting his arm, and it wasn't the first time. He WILL face charges for what he's done.
Mr. Walker: Only if he lives, Captain.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki: In two weeks, I'm gonna disappear!
Officer: [to Hanson] Do you hear something?
Officer: No. Do you?

[last lines]
Officer: [to Ioki] It's the least we could do.

[first lines]
Frank: What do you think?
Coach: I think I'm the luckiest guy on planet earth.

Ronnie: You could end up dead, man...
[with gun pointed to Hanson's face]
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Hey Ronnie. The safety's on the left, man. You ought to take it off if you want to threaten somebody.
Ronnie: Safety don't work, man. Never did.

Off. Tom Hanson #2: Without Jenko we're gonna be Charlie's Angels.

[last lines]
Susan: Hi.
Officer: Can I buy you a drink?
Susan: Why don't we just stay in?

Joy: What happened to your egg?
Officer: Oh, a friend of mine ate it.

Principal: [Hanson has been forced to reveal his true identity] Why wasn't I notified?
Officer: Because then it wouldn't be undercover.

Wally: Can I ask you something?
Off. Doug Penhall: Think you wanna take that chance?
Wally: I wanna make you a business proposition. I'll pay you $25 per week to be my bodyguard, and keep these guys from South Central off me.
Off. Doug Penhall: Go away!
Wally: Ok, 40 bucks! Alright, 75 dollars! Now, that is my allowance for the week! Look, my dad owns a stereo store. I can get you stuff for free if you want. C'mon man, they don't leave me alone! I don't even do anything!
Off. Doug Penhall: You got a problem with your hearing?

Off. Tom Hanson #2: Wow. Well, Socrates can rest easy.

Jerome: [Noticing Ricky flirting with Judy] I'm sure her old man will be just thrilled to have a pizza cutter as a son in law!
Ricky: It can happen!
Jerome: Uh huh, really?
Ricky: Really!

Eddie: [to Brian about his backpack] Brian, what are you packing in here? This thing weighs a ton.

Captain: Alright, can you see the heating unit?
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Yes, I see it.

Captain: There's an assignment that's come up, and I think you're the one to do it. Before I give it to you I wanna explain it, it's a tough one.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: I'm not going to have to wear a dress again am I?
Captain: No.
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Good. Last time I did, some mook from homicide sent me a dozen roses.

Officer: I see life like a street- you're walking down it and up ahead of you is a store where you're going to buy something. But between you and that purchase are all the rules coming up to you like some beggar hitting you up for all of your money. You feel bad for dodging them, but he stands between you and what you want, so you look away when he passes,or you cross the street.

Russell: Would you forget about the tattoo?
Officer: You can't forget about a tattoo, man, that's the point!

Captain: Now, Madigan's been with the municipal school district for three years. Last semester he was promoted to principle over at Grant High. It's a very tough school. Madigan has a rap as a very tough guy. I guess the P.T.A. figure, it would work out.
Officer: But it didn't.

Mike: What kind of vitamins are you doin'?
Officer: Doin'? Well I did Wilma this morning, thinking about doing Fred or Dino tomorrow.

Officer: When did I become my partner's keeper?
Captain: The day you were sworn in.
Officer: I was 50 yards away, what did you want me to do, throw my body in front of the cars? I didn't know he was going to take off.

Reginald: I'm sick of adults telling me how smart I am, and then turning around and telling me all the stupid things I do.

[first lines]
Dylan: Any last words, kid?
Jordy: Where's desert?

Capt. Adam Fuller: [Seeing Doug get comfortable on his couch] Douglas, can I get you anything?
Officer: [Smiling cheekily] A cold soda would be nice!

Officer: [watching a porn video to identify the girl running the modeling school] Alright we know it's her, now turn it off!
Captain: Hoffs!
Sal: Wait a minute, this is where it get goods.
Officer: [picks up the movie jacket] The copyright on this film is 4 years old, she couldn't have been any more than 15 years old, FIFTEEN!

Mr. Wilder: I expect you to use your full potential!
Drew: Full potential? I bring home a 98, and you ask what happened to the other two points? Nobody's got THAT MUCH potential!

[first lines]
Kim: Where are we going?

Off. Tom Hanson #2,62432: [simultaneously] Don't go in the bar, Penhall!

Officer: So how was the trip?
Officer: Uneventful. Aside from them making me walk through customs with a kilo of cocaine in a false bottom suitcase!
Officer: You what? You mulled it through?

Officer: It's different when you're a natural.
Officer: That's right, you're an actor now.

[last lines]
Martin: I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. I have a dream.

Captain: [holding bag of chips] Breakfast?
Off. Tom Hanson #2: No thanks, I'll grab an omelet.
Captain: Uh-uh. No you won't. When was the last time you saw a teenager have a cup of black coffee and an omelet for breakfast? Uh-uh, from now on it's potato chips, soda pop, French fries and pizza man! It's the Pepsi generation, sport!
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Don't call me sport, okay?
Captain: Hey pard, I'm your boss, I'll call you anything I want, have a seat, sport.

Officer: Doug, you know there's going to be a million vampires at this Halloween dance tonight?
Officer: What? I'm Count Chocula!

Officer: [Ricky has given Judy a necklace] Now what do you think, I'd see some jewelry and all of a sudden get hot for him?
Off. Doug Penhall: That's the way it usually works.
Officer: Choke on it, Penhall!
Off. Doug Penhall: No, I'm serious! Eleventh grade, Winnie Bolen. Red haired, flat-chested wench with a mouth like yesterday's garbage.
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: A rare find these days!
Off. Doug Penhall: Only she didn't know I was alive, so I bought her this amazing gold ID bracelet. Spent everything I made caddying that summer. Must have been about three hundred bucks.
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: You spent three hundred bucks on some high school girl?
Off. Doug Penhall: Ioki, I was in love! Once she saw that bracelet, so was she!
Officer: And just how long did this relationship grounded in trust and friendship last?
Off. Doug Penhall: Three weeks.
[Judy rolls her eyes]
Off. Doug Penhall: It's still the best three weeks of my life!

Officer: Lauren, I know there's no house in Connecticut, no horse, no father. I know what you're doing.
Lauren: Let me tell you something. What I do is no different to what every other woman winds up doing.
Officer: It's a lot different. Most women don't sell their bodies, Lauren.
Lauren: Like heck they don't. They just sell it for high priced dinners, theatre tickets, mink coat, and maybe even a wedding ring. All I'm doing is taking mine upfront, and in cash.
Officer: Is that what your Mom taught you?
Lauren: You leave my Mother out of this.
Officer: I have a feeling she's a big part of this, Lauren.
Lauren: Part of what? All I'm doing is taking care of my family. No ones getting hurt.

Officer: I hope we can still be friends.
Ricky: God, I hate when a girl says that!

Officer: [given an egg for a childcare class] Do you have any brown eggs?

Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Let's say we take a break.
Nadia: Sure. Are you hungry?
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Yeah, yeah. I'm real hungry.
Officer: That's a good idea. Why don't we head to the confection stand?
[Nadia walks off]
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: [to Judy] She's amazing. I mean, I am forever in your debt.

[first lines]
Cop: We are East Bound in pursuit of a street racer.

Officer: I'll tell you what, Doug, if I hear through anyone that you mentioned to anybody: to Blowfish, to Hanson, to ANYONE, that you spent the night at my apartment last night, I swear to God I will make you miserable for the rest of your life.
Officer: I don't know what you're so upset about, YOU'RE the one who chickened out at the LAST minute, we didn't even do anything!
Officer: And it's going to stay that way!
Officer: Fine.

Officer: What can I say? I got lucky. All the King's Men was the only book I actually read in Jeff... in my last school.

[last lines]
Tony: [to Captain Fuller] Send him somewhere nice, huh. He's a good kid.

Captain: It seems a gym teacher working at Lincoln overheard his boys talking about a hooker who's working the school.
Officer: Hookers in the class room? An idea whose time has come.
Officer: It sounds like a story a bunch of guys like Penhall would make up.

Sgt. James Adabo: Freeze! Police!

Julie: [on Doug's answering machine] I'll never forget you for the rest of my life for this. I hope you and Hannah are having fun. Bye.

Officer: [to Tom] You gotta turbo-charge the hair or something, Hanson. You look like Richie Cunningham.

Off. Tom Hanson #2: Doesn't Harley have the right to die when he wants to?
Captain: As far as I'm concerned, there's only one guy who's got that right. He doesn't ride motorcycles though - his robes get caught in the spokes.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki: [referring on Blowfish's role at Jump Street] You ever wonder what he really does around here?
Officer: He's a janitor.

Bartender: Bud Light?
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Right.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki: [Entering the locker room] Hold it! Hold it! HOLD IT!
[Ioki takes the bat away from Donald Prentiss, and shoves him]
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: THAT'S ENOUGH! I'M A POLICE OFFICER!
[to Sayles]
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Do you want to make a confession to the rape of Joy Prentiss? DO YOU?
Brent: I most certainly do not!
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: [Ioki hands the bat back to Donald] Always keep the label facing up or you're gonna break the bat.
Brent: You said you were a police officer!
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: Yeah? Well right now I'm a batting coach.

Off. Doug Penhall,6739: [at the same time] THROW IN A CHIP, HARRY!
Off. Doug Penhall: [to Hanson] Poke, poke, you owe me a Coke!

[last lines]
Officer: Joy, what are you gonna do about the baby?
Joy: I don't know.

Mr. Wilder: The clothes I buy you aren't good enough for your friends - you had to wear a question mark on your jeans!

[last lines]
Officer: To Reggie Peterson of Virginia.
Captain: And to everyone else we left behind there.

Officer: Death benefits?
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: No, according to the computer now I'm dead, but it pays more. What do you think?
[pause]
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: I think I'm going to cash it.
Officer: Ioki, if you're dead, how can you cash the check?
Officer Harry Truman Ioki: I've got two forms of I.D.

Gymnastics: [to Jody] No, no, you're still leading with your hips. You're all over the place. Where is your concentration?

Mr. Wickenton: If Mike delivers an average of 33 newspapers every 6 minutes, and Larry delivers an average of 22 newspapers every 8 minutes, working together, how long is it going to take them to deliver 248 newspapers? Lane?
Lane: Why don't you ask someone who is gonna do it for a living?
Mr. Wickenton: Because I'm asking YOU, Lane!

Officer: Who knew you could be so nice?
Officer: Well you better not tell anybody, or I'll tell them that you snore.
Officer: I don't snore!... Much.

Off. Tom Hanson #2: Poke-age!

Mr. Wilder: [Looking at Drew's grade on a test paper] When exactly were you planning on showing me this, Drew?
Drew: You went through my stuff?
Mr. Wilder: As long as you're living under my roof Drew, you don't have any "stuff"!
Drew: Look Dad, one 87 isn't gonna hurt me!
Mr. Wilder: You must think that the universities are just gonna give money away to anybody who asks!
Drew: No, I don't think that.
Mr. Wilder: Do you think they're looking for B-average students who use the word "gonna" in their vocabulary?
Drew: I'm not a B-student!
Mr. Wilder: This test is an embarrassment! I want you hitting those books.
Drew: Look, I'll be back in a hour, okay? I just wanna go out with my friends for once.
Mr. Wilder: I didn't move us into this school district so you could learn how to talk back to your father! Besides, they're NOT your friends, Drew!
Drew: Yes, they are!
Mr. Wilder: Real friends wouldn't drag you down!
[Sternly]
Mr. Wilder: And I don't wanna hear another word!
[Screams and crashing noises are heard as Mr Wilder beats up Drew]

Off. Doug Penhall: They're gonna have fireworks, free hot dogs. Even Sprinkles the clown!
Off. Tom Hanson #2: Sprinkles? Really?

[first lines]
Stevie: Fill her up and remove everything under the hood.
Mark: Right away, Sir.

Officer: [to Captain Fuller] I broke this girl down in the produce section!

Ronnie: This is what I've got to say. What have you got to say?
Officer: I want to work for you.

Officer: Why don't you just say it, Doug?
Officer: Say what?
Officer: You think I made detective because I'm a woman. A black woman.
Officer: Double minority!

Officer Harry Truman Ioki: [going in as a gay decoy] What should I wear?
Captain: What you have on.
Officer: Ioki, gays don't have their own separate dress code.

[last lines]
Off. Doug Penhall: Freeze!