The Best The Attorney Quotes

Dee: [about Barbara's will] Does it say anything about jewelry?
The: It does say something about the jewelry in here in that, um, she wants to be buried in it.
Dee: Goddammit! Oh, goddammit!
Frank: Ohhh! She's taking it into the grave!
Dee: I'll tell you what, you son of a bitch. I am very disappointed in you today, *very* upset with you! You tell her from me that I will be in touch with her somehow!
Frank: Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!

The: Okay... I'm reading the words that *someone else* wrote. 'Kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because *she's dead*.

Charlie: [looking at attorney through binoculars] Oh shit, I see him. He's walking towards the car. He's walking towards the car!
Dee: Get down!
Charlie: Why's he coming towards us?
Dee: Get down and hold still!
Attorney: [gets in driver's seat of the car] Alright... So um, what are you people doing in my car now?

The: This family behind me has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.
[Frank starts yelling]
Charlie: Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points.
[turns to lawyer]
Charlie: Look, buddy. I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings. I'm well educated. Well versed. I know that situations like this- real estate wise- they're very complex.
The: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler plate.
Charlie: Okay. Well, we're all hungry. We're gonna get to our hotplates soon enough, alright? Let's talk about the contract here.
The: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?
Charlie: I could ask you the very same question...
The: [interrupting] I went to Harvard.
Charlie: [incoherent mumbling]
The: What?
Charlie: I'm pleading the 5th, sir.
The: I wouldn't advise you do that.
Charlie: And I'll take that advise under cooperation, alright? Now, let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor?
The: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can clearly see you know nothing about the law. Seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general.
Charlie: [more mumbling] ... Filibuster...
The: Do you know what that word means?
Charlie: [after a long, stammering pause, Charlie screams and crashes through what's left of the door]

Charlie: We're both men of the law, you know? We get after it, you know, we jab a jaw, we go tit for tat, we have our little differences, but at the end of the day you win some, I win some, and there's a mutual respect left over between us.
Attorney: No, any respect that you're feeling that's coming from me is a mistake on your part.

Attorney: I will take care of all of your legal needs as long as each of you agrees to never seek my legal advice again.
[to Dennis]
Attorney: And you promise not to break into my home and rape my wife while she's sleeping.
Dennis: Bro, rape? I wasn't talking about raping your wife. I was talking about making love to her sweetly while she sleeps, and I was gonna do it for you, you son of a bi- all right, fine, I won't do it.