250 Best Mac Quotes

Mac: The only way that my dad is not going to kill us is if he thinks we're already dead.
Charlie: Oh, great, I hope you'd say that. Great, let's kill ourselves. Let's do it.

Mac: Where's the boy?
Dennis: The boy is gone.
Mac: You can't tell me what to do.
Dennis: N- I didn't tell you what to- You're skipping a line, dude.
Mac: Yeah, uh... You can't tell me what to do.
Dennis: You're still skipping the same line.
Mac: Just move past it 'cause I can't remember...
Dennis: God, it's crazy how much better I am at acting than you.

Mac: You guys have nothing outside this bar.
Dennis: Don't worry Mac, we'll be just fine.
[cut to title "Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare"]

Charlie: [interrupting Billy arguing with Sara] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Give me some eyes! Look at me! Cool your jets!
Billy: I'm sorry.
Charlie: All right, beat it!
[Charlie pushes Billy away]
Charlie: [talking to Sara] Are you okay?
Sara: He's such a player.
Charlie: Is he a player?
Sara: Big time.
Charlie: I hate players. All right, I'm sorry. I'm getting fired up here.
[Charlie walks away with Mac]
Mac: Charlie, that was the coolest thing you've ever done!
Charlie: I know. I'm gonna be sick.

Mac: The Lord provideth again!
Dennis: No, Mac! No. The Lord not provideth. Frank provideth. He's the one who bought the cups. Fank provideth.
Mac: That well, the Lord provideth the snowstorm in may that allowed us to get the cups now.
Dennis: Uh-huh.
Mac: See? It's all a part of his divine plan, Dennis. And that's locked in, so we're good.
Dennis: Okay, so all we have to do is nothing?
Mac: No. No, because, uh, we have free will, Dennis, which means that, um, we have to take the necessary steps to make sure that that plan comes to fruition.
Dennis: Which is predetermined.
Mac: Yes.
Dennis: But it doesn't matter what we do if it's all predetermined. You see how your argument doesn't make any sense?
Mac: Uh, that's correct. But it doesn't have to make sense, because that's where the faith comes in. Right? I have faith that what i'm saying makes sense.
Dennis: Okay, so even if it doesn't make sense, your faith makes it make sense.
Mac: Correct.
Dennis: Got it! Okay, so there's no way to have a rational conversation with you.
Mac: No.

[Mac lets Charlie overhear Mac talking on the phone with a woman called Sandy, who unbeknownst to them is actually Dee disguising her voice]
Dee: This is Mac, right? Good looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky.
Mac: Uh, more ripped.
Charlie: Strike that.
Mac: Jacked.
Charlie: Irrelevant.
Mac: Toned.
Charlie: Exaggeration.
Mac: I work out.
Charlie: I'll allow it.

Mac: Unemployment runs out, what are you gonna do then?
Dennis: Well then we'll just go on welfare.
Mac: Welfare is for people who need it, like drug addicts and single mothers. It's not for over privileged pieces of shit who want to waste millions in taxpayer dollars...
Dennis: [turns music on and begins singing] OH BABY YOU/ YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEEDD!

Mac: We look like salt and pepper shakers!

Mac: There are two guys in this church that are gay!
Charlie: Who's the other guy?

Mac: Are there any questions?
Cool: Yo, can I get some beer?
Mac: No beer.
Charlie: No... We said it, like, a million times.
Mac: Guys, how many times do we have to be through this? No beer, okay?
Charlie: All right, you know, you can't drink beer and be effective.
Cool: But you guys had, like, five.
Mac: Don't count beers, Carlos. Not cool.
Charlie: Yeah. And by the way, Carlos, I've had six.
Mac: And I've had seven.
Charlie: So don't be a rat, okay? And if you are gonna be a rat, get it right.
Mac: No more questions. In fact, no more questions.
Cool: You guys are the ones that asked for the questions.
Mac: Shut up, Carlos!
Charlie: Carlos, shut up!

Dee: [reading from note] Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day... sometime.
Dee: Charlie!

Charlie: Mac, why the hell did you sprint ahead of me, man?
Mac: Oh, 'cause I'm playing both sides.
Dennis: Jesus Christ.

Charlie: I have 248 hours of, uh...
Mac: [helping Charlie read] Interstate.
Charlie: Inter... Interstate...
Mac: Sanitation. Jesus Christ.
Charlie: Interstate sanitation. What is that?
Dennis: The guys in the orange vests who pick up trash.
Charlie: Oh, my God. And what is this about the AA?
Mac: Alcoholics Anonymous.
Charlie: For...
Mac: Six!
Dee: Oh, my God.
Mac: Months!

Mac: Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been one week since my last confession.
Father: Okay, my son. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, what is your confession?
Mac: I'm fat.
[cuts to episode title "How Mac Got Fat"]

Charlie: Ok, I'll tell you what. Let's throw a flaming bag of poop through their window.
Mac: What? Why?
Charlie: They stamp it out, get poop all over their shoes.
Mac: What in the hell is that going to accomplish?
Charlie: Poop on their shoes. Their shoes, dude.
Mac: Are you retarded? Are you a retarded person?
Charlie: Poop on the shoes, man!

Mac: Let's talk stigmatas.

Mac: I think you should bang Gail the Snail.
Frank: My neice?
Mac: Yeah.
Frank: Gail the Snail?
Mac: Dude, what's more depraved than that, huh? She's not blood related so it's not that weird.

Mac: I hate dead baby fetuses, you know why? Because they are dead and they shouldn't be. They should be alive, and they should be loved.

Mac: [about M. Night Shyamalan] He always puts some like awesome twist at the end of his movies to trick the audience.
Charlie: Aw yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense you find out that the dude in that hair piece the whole time, that's Bruce Willis the whole movie.

Dennis: Alright, so how does one go about figuring out what another human being would do? How do you truly get to know someone?
Charlie: You just go through their trash.
Dee: Sleep with them.
Mac: Talk to their priest, then sleep with the priest, then blackmail the priest. Then go back to the priest and ask him to ask God to forgive you for blackmailing him.

Dennis: Mac, these gentlemen are courting me for my business savvy. How's it gonna reflect on me if I promote my bodyguard to VP after a two-minute conversation at a ball game?
Mac: It's not gonna reflect on you at all because you're not Brian LeFeve.
Dennis: ...I'm not what?
Mac: Dude, clearly you were floundering.
Dennis: Mac, I was gathering information so that I can more fully become this man. Look, look, this is about much more than just business. This is about the thrill of wearing another man's skin. Feeling his innermost wants and desires and being in control of his every single move. That's how you get off. Now don't you guys want to get off with me?

Mac: Somos...
Dee: Yeah!
Mac,73876: ¡Extremos!

Dee: What the shit is this?
Charlie: Uh, Cheech over here bought himself a bong.
Frank: [taking a massive bong rip] Holy shit Deandra, this is wacky. I want you to go download me a hoagie off the internet.
Dee: I'm sorry? Those words don't make any s- sense... Oh God, you guys... Oh, weird, I feel weird.
Mac: Rip another one, bro.
Charlie: Yeah, say something else stupid too.
Dee: My arm's kinda numb. Dennis, can you feel my head? Is it hot, am I hot?
Dennis: I'm not touching you.
Dee: I'm serious you guys, something's not right. I...
Frank: You think there's bitches in the bar?
Mac: What?
Frank: Bitches in the bar.
Dee: I feel like... I'm being really serious you guys, I need some help...
[faints]
Dennis: Uh God, what is her problem?
Charlie: I don't know.
[cue title "Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack"]

Frank: We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids! "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids."
Mac: There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it!

Frank: Look at that, James Earl Jones is doing a great black face!
Dennis: James Earl Jones has a black face. He's a black man!
Frank: He's not black, he was Darth Vader!
Mac: Darth Vader was black.
Frank: No. Darth Vader was not black, they took the mask off, he was white! Look, look, we gotta agree on this: the whole idea is getting the right color shoe polish.

Mac: This is Aristotle. Thought to be the smartest man on the planet. He believed that the Earth was the center of the universe, and everybody believed him because he was so smart. Until another smartest guy came around, Galileo, and he disproved that theory making Aristotle and everybody else on earth look like a
[slaps sticker on board]
Mac: BITCH! 'Course Galileo then thought that comets were an optical illusion and there's no way that the moon could cause the ocean's tides. Everybody believed that because he was so smart. He was also wrong. Making him and everyone else on Earth
[slaps another sticker on board]
Mac: look like a bitch again. And then, best of all, Sir Issac Newton gets born and blows everybody's nips off with his brains. 'Course he also thought he could turn metal into gold and died eating mercury making him yet another stupid
[slaps 3rd sticker on board]
Mac: BITCH! Are you seeing a pattern?

Dennis: [pretending he and Mac are a gay couple] I'm the breadwinner in the relationship.
Mac: And I'm the trophy husband. He's my bottom.
Dennis: Oh! Well, I'm the power bottom. Technically, I generate most of the power.
Mac: Only because I'm giving out so much power from the top.

Charlie: Hey, Dee, does that guy have, like, a... like, a little hand?
Mac: Charlie, I was gonna say his foot looks small.

Mac: [on his cell phone] Mom, I'm telling you, this girl's amazing. Yeah, I've got butterflies in my stomach. There's one little issue...
[Carmen sneaks up from behind and grabs his waist; Mac turns around and punches her in the face]
Carmen: Oh, God! I think you broke my nose!
Construction: That guy's beating on that chick!
Carmen: Oh, my God!
Mac: Oh, no, you know, it's a dude. Yeah, she has a penis... so it's okay.
Construction: Dude, isn't that a hate crime?
Construction: Shit yeah, it's a hate crime!
[they both chase after Mac]

Frank: There's broken glass everywhere.
Mac: Broken glass? Oh, my God, I think you found Charlie's bad room.
Frank: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's where Charlie goes to think and break bottles. Dude, you gotta get out of there. He's going to find you.

Charlie: All I'm saying is that slaves is not a racist term. Look throughout history many people have been slaves. There have been Jewish slaves, Italian slaves, Asian slaves.
Mac: Yes Charlie but you have to realize that in this country it's a sensitive issue.

Mac: [panicking] Guys, why aren't the brakes working?
Charlie: Because I cut the brakes! Wild card, bitches! Yeeee-haw!
[jumps out of truck]

Dee: Well, I'm going to go, at least one pro-choice voice will be heard.
Mac: One? There was, like, tons of those chicks at the last one.
Dennis: Which side had more?
Dee: Oh, which one do you think? I one that cares about protecting womens bodies or the one thats run by the religious right?
Dennis: Probably the side you're going to. I'm going to fight for the right to choose.

Mac: Your mom and dad aren't at work. That's probably why they lost the house. They're probably at the track getting wasted.

Mac: Yeah, I would never say it to his face, but Dennis has great thighs.

Charlie: But I am who I am.
Mac: Yeah, but let's pretend you aren't who you are and just try to attract a woman.

Dennis: If Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution, man.
Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.
Dennis: Thank you.
Dee: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Eww, we hate it.
Dennis: You hate it.
Charlie: Oh, *I'm* un-American?
Frank: You're practically a Viet Cong.

Charlie: Mom, if you know something, you got to tell me.
Bonnie: I can't lie to my Charlie.
Charlie: Good! Tell me everything.
Bonnie: Okay. They were both here. They were both inside me. Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.
Charlie: Oh, my God, no, don't tell me everything. What? No! What?
Mrs. Mac: Dammit, Bonnie.
Mac: Eduardo who?
Bonnie: Sanchez.
Mac: Holy shit. Tell us more.
Bonnie: Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.
Mac: Tell us less. Tell us less.
Bonnie: Then they both "completed" on each other. I-I was left out of the finale.

Mac: All right, let's get this guy outta here, send him a message.
Dennis: Let's do it.
Charlie: Right, let's slash his tires.
Mac: Well, not that though, because then he can't leave. That doesn't make any sense.
Charlie: Well, you start putting plans under microscopes, nothing's gonna make sense, all right?
Mac: Lots of things make sense. Slashing someone's tires so that they leave makes no sense.
Charlie: You're gonna put everything I say under a microscope, bud?
Dennis: It's a stupid idea, Charlie.

Dennis: Put it this way, if the two of us didn't come together what if one of us were to get into a jam? It'd be silly not to have the other one there.
Mac: Silly? Dennis, that sounds downright dangerous.

Charlie: Look how much fun they're having, man.
Mac: Of course they are, they haven't realized how much life sucks yet.

Mac: I don't have enough facts to support my argument.
Dennis: Clearly.

[Dennis mimics an Arab jihad video]
Charlie: Cut, cut, cut, cut. What the hell are you doing, dude?
Dennis: [uncovers face] That's what those tapes sound like.
Charlie: Why don't you read the script that I wrote.
Dennis: I'm not reading the script you wrote. It's in English, and it's riddled with spelling errors.
Charlie: Well, you know what I'm trying to write, just say it.
Dennis: No, I'm just gonna mumble some guttural sounds. Let's do another one.
Charlie: He's not gonna know what you're saying!
Dennis: Well, then we'll do subtitles or something!
Charlie: How am I gonna do subtitles?
Mac: I feel like I should have something in my hands.
Dennis: You don't need anything in your hands.
Mac: Like a weapon. A machete or a machine gun or something.
Dennis: Okay, why don't you head down to the Wawa and pick up a machine gun!
Charlie: Read the script.
Dennis: I'm not gonna read the script.
Charlie: Read the- who's the director here?
Dennis: I don't care, I'm not reading the script!
Charlie: Alright, fine. Action!
Dennis: Bro, can I get my towel over my face again?
Charlie: Oh, yeah, put your towel on your face.
Dennis: Alright, here we go.
Charlie: Action.
[Dennis speaks mock arabic]
Mac: [interrupts] I'm gonna get a weapon. I'm gonna get a weapon!

Mac: Are you sure?
Dennis: Yeah, look at his jeans, dude. That's a- that's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans.
Dee: Yeah, that's a dick in those pants.
Mac: There's a dick in those pants!
Dennis: Yeah.
Mac: I'll be right back.
[confronts Carmen]
Mac: Excuse me, bro, can you give me a second?
[club goer exits]
Mac: Thanks. Is that a penis in your pants?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: You lied to me!
Carmen: No, I didn't. You lied to me! You don't work out? Please, I see you at the gym. You're ripped.
Mac: Wait, don't turn this around... Wait, really? You think so?
Carmen: Yeah.
Mac: I was afraid I was getting a little too ripped, you know?
Carmen: No, I like it.
Mac: Wow. Hmm. Well, I gotta get back to work, um, but I don't know, maybe I'll give you a call sometime.
Carmen: Okay.
Mac: Yeah, yeah, I'll give you a call.

Mac: This time it'll be you and I that bang the strippers.
Charlie: Right. Why do you want to bang them, oh, because it's 2006 and you're still into women. Crazy
Mac: Huh?

Sally: And then he posted a bunch of naked pics of me online and that was the last straw.
Mac: Oh, my God, that's disgusting! Naked pics online? Where? Where did he post those?
Sally: I don't know, one of those disgusting ex-girlfriend porno sites.
Mac: Ugh, those disgusting ex-girlfriend porno sites! I mean, there's so many of them though! Which one?

Dee: [discussing high taxes] Why don't you try voting for once?
Mac: And what? Vote for the democrat who's going to blast me in the ass? Or the republican who's going to blast my ass? Either way, politics is all one big ass blasting.

Mac: You want some insulin?

Mac: [lifts Dennis' legs] Gimme that leg, boy.
Dennis: No...
[Frank throws blanket on top of them]
Dennis: Dude, do you have a boner right now?
Mac: Shut up, dude. Don't ruin this for me.

Mac: Well, then, what would you say?
Dennis: She's a quitter.
Dee: You know what, I don't even care! I don't care.
Dennis: And that proves my point. Because you don't care, you never succeed.
Mac: Right. Failed.
Dennis: Failure implies that she actually *tried* to be an actor.
Dee: Okay, I did try, it just didn't happen to work out.
Frank: It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.
Dee: Wow, thank you! That's my dad, everybody.

Mac: So is Frank Charlie's dad, or not?
Doctor: The only thing I can tell you is that based on how much blood is in this bucket, your friend is in desperate need of blood!

Dee: [performing on stage] So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day. The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.
[audience laughter]
Mac: She said "vagina." A woman said "vagina."
Frank: That's what makes it funny!
Dennis: Tasteless.
Dee: [robot voice] Vagina, vagina. Vagina, vagina.
[makes fart noises]
Dennis: And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.

Mac: Hey. I'm Mac.
[Donna sighs]
Mac: Barbara's ex-lover. She may have mentioned...
[Donna stares blankly]
Mac: You were gonna say something?
Donna: No.
Mac: [smacks lips] ... You said... no?
Donna: No. I was just breathing.

[as Mac and Dennis fight, the doorbell rings]
Dennis: Well, it must be nosy Wally, coming to see what all the fighting's about. Well, why don't we show him what all the fighting's about?
[He picks up a poker and wields it threateningly]
Dennis: Why don't we show him right now!
Mac: Wait, Dennis! Dennis, calm down!
Dennis: Don't you tell me to calm down!
[the smoke detector chirps]
Mac: There's that chirping again! How are you not hearing that?
Dennis: News flash, asshole! I've been hearing it the entire goddamn time!
Mac: Then why wouldn't you say something?
Dennis: Because i hate you!

Charlie: Now let's talk about the trash. What do I do with the trash? How do I dispose of the trash?
Dennis: I don't know. We disposed the trash in the dumpster last night. What are you doing with it?
Charlie: I am taking it to the furnace.
Mac: We have a furnace?
Charlie: Absolutely. Where do you think the heat comes from?
Dennis: You burn the trash in the furnace?
Charlie: This bar runs on trash, dude. This bar is totally green that way.
Dennis: How is burning trash green?
Charlie: Uh, because I'm recycling the trash into heat for the bar and lots of smoke for the bar. I'm giving the bar the good smoky smell that we all like.
Mac: The bar smells like trash.

Mac: [Dee throws a jar full of piss out the car window, splashing a sleeping Mac] Is this piss? IS THIS PISS?

[after watching an old video of a young Mac and his parents stealing presents]
Charlie: Dude, what was that? What just happened? What was that right there? What was the family on the stairs? What was that?
Mac: That was probally the next family coming in to get their presents.
Charlie: What are you talking about? What was happening there?
Mac: That was the Christmas tradition my parents had. You go from house to house collecting your presents. And then when the next family would come, you would take your presents and run.
Charlie: I am not aware of that tradition, Mac. In fact, I think that you and your parents were just stealing from that home.
Mac: Oh no. I was taking their presents, but they were taking mine. Yeah, dude. That's why there were never any presents at my house on Christmas morning or when we got back. The neighbors took them. It's a South Philadelphia tradition, Charlie.
Charlie: No, that makes no sense. People don't do that, dude. That doesn't make any sense.
Mac: You're telling me that on Christmas morning, you and your mother would not go to your neighbor's house and take their presents?
Charlie: No! No one does that!
Mac: Well, my dad told me that was the tradition.
Charlie: Mac, your dad is a convicted thief and a murderer who eats people. So, he's not really trustworthy.
Mac: This is really dicking with my Christmas spirit.

Frank: I know what the billboard is gonna look like already: two gorgeous girls up there, giant cans, me in the middle with my thumbs up.
Dennis: Well, that's just simply not gonna happen.
Mac: Actually, maybe Frank has a point, dude. Maybe we should put a dude up there. Certainly not him, but if we put some hot beefcake up there maybe it'll attract more chicks.
Dennis: Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, I like that. You know what, let's slap my picture up there. It's about time I got my modeling career off the ground anyway.
Frank: [laughing] Don't flatter yourself. You're not gonna be up there, because I am gonna be the face of Paddy's bar!
Dennis: That's ridiculous, Frank. You're, um... ugly.
Frank: What?
Dennis: Ugly!
Frank: I'm ugly? With that anteater nose you're telling me I'm ugly?
Dennis: My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank. My body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David. You on the other hand, well... you're a pit of despair. Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone. And you will never, *ever* be on that billboard.

Mac: Well, right now it looks like you're wearing a mask of yourself over your face.
Dennis: Not a good one? Not a nice mask of myself?
Mac: Not a good one.
Dennis: Do you guys think that a normal mask of me would look good?
Dee: Oh, my God.
Dennis: And if there was would you guys wear it?

Dennis: How was Charlie's?
Mac: The way they live bro, it's... it's like, uh...
Dennis: Preposterous.
Mac: Yeah dude, preposterous! I've been trying to come up with that all day! God dude, this is why you and I are such a good team. You know, like I'm a man of action and you're a man that comes up with good...
Dennis: Words?
Mac: Words, dude.
Dennis: Okay, great. We really gotta work on your vocabulary though, man. You couldn't come up with the word "words"!

Mac: I'm gay.

[repeated line]
Mac: Hey-o! What's up, bitches?

Female: All right. And what is the reason you're requesting a loan today?
Mac: Wait for it. Gasoline.
Female: Excuse me?
Mac: Don't rush me.
Dennis: Don't rush him.
Mac: Thank you, I feel rushed. Look, here's the plan. You give us a shitload of money, we buy a shitload of gasoline. We wait 12 months, we sell the gasoline, and make a shitload of profit.
Female: Gentlemen, we tend to give loans to businesses, not, um...
Mac: She's not getting it. Get the graph.
Dennis: Oh yeah, the graph.
Mac: We have a graph.
Dennis: [holds up graph] Yeah, check this out. Now these are the gas prices last year, these are the gas prices this year, and this is what the gas prices will be.
Female: [indicating women drawings] And what are those?
Dennis: Uh, these are gorgeous women with heaving breasts.
Female: Why?
Dennis: Uh, well, to be perfectly honest, we sort of thought we'd be speaking to a man today, so...
Mac: Yeah. Is there any way that we could talk to your boss? Because I think he would understand more better.
Female: My boss is a woman.
Mac: Really?
Dennis: Your boss is a woman? Now this is a strange bank.
Female: Okay, well, I am definitely rejecting your request for $300,000 to buy gasoline.

Mac: I am an American I can believe in whatever I want in any given moment based on what the argument I am trying to make.

Charlie: Dude, it's not so much that they don't like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? 'Cause you're an asshole!
Mac: [to Dee] Is that true?
Dee: ...Yeah, kinda.

Mac: Why are you doing everything in threes?
Charlie's: Oh, so Charlie doesn't die.

Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

Mac: Charlie, this is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected. No one is more respected than dudes in prison right?
Charlie: Yeah.
Mac: And what are dudes in prison?
Charlie: Hard?
Mac: Right; this is our chance to get hard.
Charlie: OK OK i just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.
Mac: Of course it is, this is totally hard. Look you want to get hard don't you?
Charlie: I want to get hard. I want to get very very hard.
Mac: Alright, do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude I don't want to shove anything in my ass.
Mac: Alright this is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are and not have to shove anything into our asses.
Frank: What in Gods name are you two talking about?
Mac: Frank we're in.
Frank: Great!
[Fires Gun]

Mac: [after Charlie closes the window on Dennis and Dee] Driver, we're done here.
[Everyone starts laughing]

Mac: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!

Mac: Stage freeze!
Dennis: Don't say stage freeze, just do it.

Mac: And you know what, Charlie? You shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should've made this decision.
Dennis: Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac: Uh... I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis: What? What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac: You're the looks.
Dennis: Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie's the wild card.
Charlie: Whoa. That's awesome!
Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wild card. Think about it. The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it.
Charlie: Oh, shit.

Mac: That's my system, the M.A.C. Move in After Completion. I wait till you're done with them, and then I swoop in, give them a shoulder to cry on, and then we hump.

Mac: I'm telling you, this is the wrong kind of glue Charlie. This is made for, like, Kindergarteners. Look; "Non-toxic and safe," we don't want safe, we want toxic.

Dee: [upon finding someone slumped over in a booth] Who's this?
Mac: I don't know. I've never seen him before.
Dee: Well, can you get him out of here? He stinks.
Mac: [walking over to the man] Hey, let's go. Oh, my Je... oh, my God! He shit his pants, Dee. Dee, he shit his pants.
Dee: Oh, I don't want to know that.
Mac: [groans and grabs a pool stick] I'm gonna poke him with this. Get up, old man. This isn't the American Legion. Wake up! Yo!
Dee: What's the matter?
Mac: He won't wake up.
Dee: Well, poke him harder in his ribs.
Mac: [continuing to poke the man] Wake up, old man. Wake up!
[the man falls over to his side]
Mac: Holy shit. That bitch is dead.

Mac: I made you breakfast! I hope you like it crispy 'cause it is burned.
Donna: What is going on in here? How did you get in my house? Did you kick in my door?
Mac: Kick, yes. Kick in, no. That door is solid, which is the good news. The bad news is the window is not.

Mac: Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here!
Dee: Hey, everybody!
Charlie: Whoa, whoa! What are you doing here?
Janell: Charlie?
Dennis: Whoa, whoa, what is going on here? You guys know each other?
Charlie: Yeah, that's the crazy bitch that punched me in my eye!
Terrell: Charlie! That's my sister!
Mac: Now, just to clarify, when you say sister, you mean...
Terrell: I mean my sister.
Mac: Yeah! Okay! This is great because earlier, you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related, and then it turns out that you people actually are!

Dennis: Charlie, I got a question for you. Who's playing this Lead Boy?
Charlie: That's gonna be Mac.
Mac: What? Oh, yeah! Lead, of course.
Dennis: Who's playing the Dayman?
Charlie: Well, the Lead Boy becomes the Dayman when he defeats the Nightman, so it's also Mac.
Mac: Two parts? Oh, yeah!

Mac: [in a retirement home] These places are like prisons.
Frank: Like people getting ass raped?
Charlie: What? Oh, my God, dude. No one's getting ass raped, Frank. Come on, man.
Mac: No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...
Frank: Because they're getting ass raped!

Mac: Okay, Anya, so they are in fact double Ds, that's great news. Well, you got a great look. No denying that. Let me ask you a question, though. Why should I pick you over the other girls?
Anya: [seductively] I'm willing to do anything in order to win.
Mac: You're talking about banging me, right?
Anya: Maybe.
Mac: If you say "yes" I could...
Anya: Yes.
Mac: [writing in notepad] Okay, great, you said yes. Okay, Anya said yes. That's written down now...
Anya: Yes.
Mac: That's like a contract. All right, perfect. Can't go back on it. All right, well thank you for coming in.
Anya: Thank you.
Mac: Nice talkin' to ya.
Anya: You too.
Mac: You got a great chance. You got a *great* ass.

Mac: See what's happening here? Do you see this? Family values in this country are going down the toilet and it's because of people like you. Men and women raising a child together is a proven system a thousand years old. There are parental roles that need to be filled here, right? Otherwise the child ends up roaming the streets, having unprotected sex with multiple partners, sharing needles, and contracting the HIV virus, and it's all your fault. Are you happy, Dee? Is this what you wanted? You just gave this baby full blow AIDS!

Mac: Now, this is smart. The first step to becoming an American, get a credit card.
Dennis: Oh yeah, man, we need this guy to build up copious amounts of debt. That's the best way for him to build up his credit. We're doing him a favor here.
Charlie: We're doing him a huge favor! And do you realize how extreme this is to go from no debt to good ol' fashioned American debt? That's the way to do it. Plus, I've been envisioning someone else paying for this thing the entire time.
Dennis: I'm also envisioning him unloading all the shit into the car.

Mac: What the hell is that?
Dee: [dancing] This? That's my P. Diddy boat dance.
Mac: You look like one of those inflatable dancing things at the used car lot, the ones that flail around in the wind.

Mac: Anyway, wanna roll? I, uh, got us some music. I made this Creed mix.
Dennis: Oh, uh, Creed, huh?
Mac: Yeah, it's a long commute, so...
Dennis: Yeah, I was thinking more, like, Bryan Adams.

Charlie: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
Mac: See, that was real news.
Charlie: Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
Mac: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

Mac: [listening to Frank's Vietnamese music] This music sounds like whales raping each other.

Charlie: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.

Rebecca: I guess I was a little curious, you know, I mean he's my grandfather and I know nothing about him.
Mac: Yeah, well he was a great man.
Rebecca: Really?
Mac: Yeah. Yeah, just a very warm and gentle soul actually.
Rebecca: So you knew him?
Mac: Yeah, I wouldn't actually say that I knew him all that well, but we did...
Dennis: I-I knew him pretty well. Yeah, we got pretty close near the end there.
Rebecca: Wow, really?
Mac: I knew him too. I... I just only meant... I thought you meant...
Dennis: He didn't know him as well as I did though.
Rebecca: Oh. Well listen, I should go. I have to get back to work, I just wanted to stop in.
Dennis: Of course, yeah. Well listen, if you ever wanna stop by, you know, I'll tell you some stories about your grandfather that you would not believe.
Mac: I-I'll make myself available as well.
Dennis: Don't worry about it.

Mac: You want me to cross the stage?
Charlie: Yes.
Mac: [starts doing karate] All right. This is a great opportunity to showcase some skills and, like, just put on a clinic.
Charlie: I would rather you didn't.

Mac: Okay, I'm afraid of game show rules.
Dee: You guys, I know what it is. It's failure.
Dennis: That's too pathetic.
Frank: Liberal yahoos taking my guns.
Dennis: That-that is a political firestorm, Frank. No!
Charlie: Oh, oh! The Nightman.

[after their "Birds of War" performance]
Dennis: They are not responding to the pageantry at all.
Mac: The second verse is completely ridiculous.
Dennis: The second verse is necessary to clarify what we are!
Charlie: We're mic'd. We're mic'd, our microphones are on.

Frank: Well, if we're gonna do something like this, we gotta make sure we don't abuse anybody.
Charlie: No, I mean I know what it's like to grow up poor. You know, we gotta treat people with respect.
Mac: Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one!
Charlie: It's the name of almost every game.
Mac: Absolutely because we understand the plight of the worker.
Charlie: Plight...
Mac: Respect.
Charlie: Respect the plight. What d'ya think, Frank?
Frank: I'm good, go get us some slaves.

Mac: Dennis always tells me, "Never let someone's resistance stop you from getting what you want."

Mac: What do we need a mattress for?
Dennis: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take 'em to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse, because of the implication.
Mac: Oh, uh... okay. You had me going there for the first part, the second half kinda threw me.
Dennis: Well dude, dude, think about it: she's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothin' but open ocean. "Ahh, there's nowhere for me to run. What am I gonna do, say 'no'?"
Mac: Okay. That... that seems really dark.
Dennis: Nah, no it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I'm-I think I am.
Dennis: Yeah, you are, because if the girl said "no" then the answer obviously is "no"...
Mac: No, right.
Dennis: But the thing is she's not gonna say "no", she would never say "no" because of the implication.
Mac: ...Now you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?
Dennis: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her but she's thinkin' that they will.
Mac: But it sounds like she doesn't wanna have sex with you...
Dennis: Why aren't you understanding this? She-she doesn't know if she wants to have sex with me. That's not the issue...
Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?
Dennis: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!
Mac: I'm not getting it.
Dennis: Goddamn.
[notices woman staring at them]
Dennis: Well don't you look at me like that, you certainly wouldn't be in any danger.
Mac: So they are in danger!
Dennis: No one's in any danger!

Dee: [about the dance 'contest'] Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Mac: Charlie, I have a real dilemma on my hands. Now, normally I would never talk to you about these things because you're so incredibly unreliable, but Dennis, Dee, and Frank are all directly involved in this and I gotta tell somebody man, I am bustin'! Okay... Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Charlie: Interesting...
Mac: Yeah, man! She got naked, she came on to me, I mean that woman is straight crazy but I think I wanna bang her, man! I know I shouldn't do it, it's...
Charlie: I think you should do it!
Mac: ...What?
Charlie: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime, right?
Mac: Right!
Charlie: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But, it's Dennis and Dee's mom.
Charlie: Yeah, well that means that no one ever, ever's gonna find out.
Mac: That doesn't make any sense.
Charlie: It doesn't have to make sense.
Mac: You're right, I'm gonna do it!
[they both laugh maniacally]

Dennis: You know what's scary about this whole thing really is that I have the same genes as her.
Mac: Yeah, I'm concerned for myself and Charlie as well. We lead a very rock 'n' roll lifestyle.
Charlie: I know!
Dee: I just had a heart attack! Can we focus on me for two minutes here?
Charlie: I feel like we did talk about you...
Mac: Dee, your ship has sailed, okay? It's time to move on to us, the people who are going to live on. Guys, we gotta make sure this does not happen to us.
Dennis: Yeah, that's the important thing here. We need to focus on ourselves.

Mac: Maybe a little bit later we can do some hand stuff?
Waitress: Are you in junior high?
Mac: Mouth stuff?
Waitress: Oh, my God.
Mac: Mouth stuff.

Charlie: [after informing a rival bar that the gang poisoned them 10 years ago to win a flip-cup tournament] Check it out... Who's to say we didn't put that very same poison in the drinking water?
Mac: [customers begin spitting out water] Everybody relax. He's lying. He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie: No, I don't have any on me. But I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles.
[pause]
Frank: What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie: Well, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy.
Frank: And the mayo?
Charlie: That's shampoo.
Frank: You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie: If you're using the mayonnaise, yeah... probably.

[repeated line]
Mac: What's up, bitches?

Mac: These kids are wasted, bro. I thought we were cutting them off?
Dennis: I am cutting them off. These kids haven't had more than three drinks each. Plus, there's so much water in them, they're probably more hydrated than they ever have been in there entire lives.

Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!
Mac: All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our asses!

Mac: Oh, look at Sweet Dee, sitting on her cloud of judgement, handing down life lessons to all the sinners.

Country: You better jump quick before somebody tries to stop you.
Mac: Trust me, no one's gonna try and stop me.
[car horn honks]
Driver: Jump, asshole!
Mac: Yep. See, in the big city, nobody cares whether you live or die.
Man: Jump, you pussy!

Dennis: Mac, why don't you get started on the family makeover with Dee.
Mac: Family makeover with Dee? No, I wanna be a part of the renovation team.
Dennis: I know you do, but the thing is...
Charlie: You get so excited about the smashing and then you make it competitive.
Dennis: You turn it into a competition.
Mac: That's bullshit, 'cause I'm a better smasher than you guys! I should be on the head of the smashing team! You wanna have a smash-off?

Mac: No, no, no! Gangsters don't sing!
Frank: What are you talking about? You ever hear of gangsta rap?

Mac: [holding a hockey stick] All of my instincts and my training tell me to use this as a weapon.
Charlie: All of your instincts and your training are wrong.

Dennis: [picking basketball teams] All righty. Uh... You, you, you, you, and you. Come over here.
[all the black kids go to Dennis]
Dennis: All right. Now, the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dennis: I'm picking my team.
Dee: No. No, you-you can't- you can't take all...
Dennis: I can't pick the...?
Dee: You can't pick all...
Dennis: What should I not pick?
Mac: You know exactly what you've done, sir.

Mac: [Handing Charlie a pear] Chomp into it.
Charlie: Just bite it?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie: Okay.
Mac: Like a piece of fruit, you would bite into it...
Charlie: [Charlie bites pear] Agh! Tastes like sand.
Mac: Like sand? Oh, that-that pear's not ripe, dude.
Charlie: Ah.
Mac: He burned us. Gypsy son of a bitch burned us! Excuse me, sir? What are you doing to my friend, Bozo? You burned us. It's dry.
Fruit: You picked it out.
Mac: Well, let's not get into a whole who picked out what. It's... I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.
Charlie: I can't, I just ate it.
Mac: The whole thing?
Charlie: Yeah. It was pretty gross and I...
Mac: The stem and-and the core?
Charlie: You didn't tell me not to eat the stem, dude!
Mac: Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?
Charlie: Yeah, it was gross!
Mac: Of course it's gross... it's a sticker, bro!
Charlie: I eat stickers all the time, dude!
Mac: Oh my god! This whole thing is a disaster. I'm going back to the car.

Dennis: Oh, you better have a good reason for getting us outta bed this early, jerk.
Frank: I got a goddamn great reason for gettin' you out of bed. This bar is hemorrhaging money!
Charlie: You gotta spend money to make money. Economics 101, dude.
Frank: You're bleeding us to death! Especially with that company credit card you got.
Mac: Uh, that is for business expenses, Frank. Everything on there is a business expense.
Frank: Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?
Dennis: Right over here, Slick. Don't wanna have hair down there, know what I'm sayin'?
Frank: Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?
Mac: [raises hand] Your head of security.
Charlie: Yeah, just wait till he saves your life one day with it.
Frank: $6,000 on a camcorder!
Dee: Well, I've decided what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take all those hilarious characters that I've been creating over the past several years. I'm gonna put 'em on tape, I'm gonna put 'em on YouTube. That way I can get discovered by like a casting director or a producer. I get some kind of a TV development deal.
Dennis: Yeah, right, so the point is, Frank, is that these are all business expenses. I mean, some are definitely more realistic than others...
Charlie: [points to Dee] Yeah, not that one.
Dennis: No, not at all, but nonetheless I believe bought as a business expense.
Frank: They're not business expenses! What *I* bought is a business expense. What I bought is somethin' that's gonna save our asses!
Dennis: [mockingly] Okay. Yeah, all right.
Charlie: All right, what d'ya get?
Frank: I bought a billboard!
[cue: "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"]

Mac: We weren't expecting you to be black, that's all...

Mac: It's not your fault. This dog, your parents, the whole... the whole culture is grooming you to be a pussy. You got no freedom. Which means you got no balls. And then even when you actually do get caught, doing something bad, you're not held accountable. And if you're not held accountable, you feel no guilt. If you feel no guilt, you feel no shame. If you got no shame, you're never gonna hate yourself enough to stop being bad and grow some balls.
[to the dog psychiatrist]
Mac: You diddle this kid, you're definitely on camera. I don't know if you wanna be alone with him.

Dee: Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird.
Charlie: That girl Sarah asked me too.
Dee: Are you kidding?
Mac: What? We can't go to the prom, thats pathetic.
Charlie: What do you mean "we"? Who asked you?

Mac: Oh, and hookups are good. But just to be clear... when you say your "sista," do you mean your sister or your friend?

Dennis: It's 8 o'clock in the morning and you're drinking a beer.
Mac: Hey, that's how we roll. Go with it.

Charlie: But I am who I am.
Mac: Yeah, but let's pretend you're not like who you are and just try to attract a woman.

Charlie: I'll totally pull a Good Will Hunting on those kids and that'll put 'em in their place.
Mac: How are you gonna do that?
Charlie: Well, you've seen the movie, right?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie: So all I gotta do is I'll ask them some like big shot, like, math or science, history-type college question and then I'll totally stump them by knowing a lot more about the answer than they do.
Mac: Yeah, in that movie, Matt Damon played a genius janitor. You're just a janitor.
Charlie: ...Right.
[chuckles]
Charlie: ... Ah, you stumped me with that one.

Mac: Frank, he cannot bang this woman. It's the mob boss's wife.
Frank: Oh, what do you think she's gonna do, call her husband and say she's bangin' a whore? Dennis, up those stairs!

Dee: Dennis, maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours. I don't think getting Charlie laid is going to help his cancer problem.
Dennis: Whatever.
Mac: Dennis, I think I found the perfect girl for Charlie! Smart, beautiful, the whole thing.
Dennis: Where?
Mac: Right there.
Dennis: Over there by the pool table?
Mac: Yeah. Nice.
Dennis: That's great, Mac.
Dee: Good work, Mac.
Dennis: That's a dude.

Mac: Are you drinking sunscreen?
Dee: No no, it's a decoy. We're drinking tequila out of sunscreen bottles.
Dennis: Yeah, very strict open container laws at the Jersey shore.

Mac: Who's the most underrated actor of all time?
Charlie: It's Dolph Lundgren.

Mac: I gave him an ocular pat down.

Dennis: The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together, but you do, deep down, want to be together. The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together. I need you to want to be together.
Dee: Ugh.
Mac: [raises hand] Question.
Dennis: Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough to where you'll want to be with her.
Mac: Yes.

Frank: Okay, here it is. Al Jolson in The Jazz Singer, 1927.
Dennis: How is that not racist to you?
Mac: This is a terrible example of blackface. The guy isn't trying to look like a real person.
Frank: Well, he almost had the mouth right. See, that's what I'm saying about the full lips.
Mac: The lips are the most offensive part! The guy is bugging his eyes out like a cartoon character, okay? This is racist as shit!
Dennis: All blackface is racist no matter how it's portrayed, and that is the point I'm trying to make. You just cannot cast a white man as a black man and paint his face black. You cannot do it.
Mac: They're actors. They're trying to create an illusion. In The Lord of the Rings movies, Ian McKellen plays a wizard. Do you think he goes home at night and shoots laser beams into his boyfriend's asshole? I don't think so, dude. Tom Cruise is a midget... shorter then the average man. But he plays guys that are normal in size and height in the movies.
Dennis: Once again, nobody is buying that either. Ian McKellen playing a wizard and Tom Cruise playing taller men is not a fair comparison to white people portraying blackface.
Mac: Okay, look at this. This is Laurence Olivier in Othello... . playing the lead character in blackface. This is James Earl Jones. Now, look how close they resemble each other. Look!
Frank: James Earl Jones is doing a great blackface
Dennis: James Earl Jones is a blackface. He's a black man!
Frank: He's not black, he was Darth Vader!
Mac: Darth Vader was black.
Frank: No. Darth Vader was not black. They took the mask off in Return of the Jedi... he was white!

Dennis: [picking basketball teams] All righty. Uh... You, you, you, you, and you. Come over here.
[all the black kids go to Dennis]
Dennis: All right. Now, the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell's going on over here?
Dennis: I'm picking my team.
Dee: No. No, you-you can't- you can't take all...
Dennis: I can't pick the...?
Dee: You can't pick all...
Dennis: What should I not pick?
Mac: You know exactly what you've done, sir.

Judge: [Mac and Dennis are doing push-ups] All right, enough! Stop it!
Dennis: All right. But you get my point, Your Honor, and you could see that Mac was slowing down at the end there.
Mac: What?
Dennis: And let the record show that that is because he only works out his glamour muscles.

Mac: Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze.
Frank: Oh, this is ham soaked in rum. It is loaded with booze.
Mac: Goddammit, Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius!
Frank: Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting ripshit on ham.
Mac: Might you say we're getting "hammered"?

Dee: [drops a bag of Oxycontin on the pool table] Boom.
Frank: What am I supposed to do with that?
Mac: You tell us.
Charlie: Bingo told us you know how to sell those drugs.
Frank: I told you not to involve me in that! Did you mention my name?
Dennis: First thing we did.
Dee: You gonna harp on it all day?
Frank: Goddammit! The guy's gonna skin me alive.
Charlie: He is gonna skin you alive.
Dee: Yeah, he mentioned something about it.
Dennis: Will you just pay the mob off so we don't have to sell these pills?
Frank: Dennis, I am not using any more of my money!
Dennis: The mob is gonna kill us, man!
Frank: Look, if I cave on this, I'm gonna be bailing you guys out for the rest of my life. I'm putting my foot down on this one. You bitches gotta earn your own money!

Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis: You're going to hell, dude.
Dee: Seriously.

Mac: We're the wealthy homosexual couple that she promised her womb too.

Dennis: If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations? It is the day before Christmas.
Mac: That's our tradition.
Charlie: Yeah, that's what we do. We drink a lot of eggnog. We pass out. And then we don't put anything up, so we do it at the last minute.
Mac: Yeah, then we wake up at Christmas and celebrate by throwing rocks at moving freight trains.
Dee: Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?
Mac: Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's beats throwing rocks at passing cars, or at people.
Charlie: It's awesome. That's what you do on Christmas morning. We've been doing it since we were kids. Look, whatever. I'm sorry that we love Christmas and we have awesome Christmas traditions and you guys hate Christmas.
Mac: They hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts, and Frank always gave them shitty presents.
Dee: You think we don't like Christmas because Frank gave us shitty presents?
Dennis: Is that really what you think? No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents. Frank bought the most awesome presents in the world. As a matter of fact, he would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year... and he would buy them for himself instead of buying them for us.
Charlie: Really? That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar. 'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better. Or worse.

Ted: What is it you guys are looking for?
Mac: Let's talk needs please, I'd like to talk needs first. Now I have the need for speed. It's very important, it's inherent, there's nothing I can do about it so speed is a must.

Mac: [watching an underground fight] Well, this is awesome.
Dennis: Yeah, this is amazing. There's blood everywhere. It's beautiful!
Mac: Yeah, and we were totally right. These guys don't have any technique. They just get all cranked up like a bunch of animals and beat the christ out of each other.
Dennis: Look at all this money being thrown around. Dude, we gotta get in on this.
Mac: Oh yeah. You know really, I think it's about who can take the biggest beating.
Dennis: Yeah.
Mac: You know who can take a really good beating?
Dennis: Charlie.
Mac: Charlie.

Dennis: [while training Charlie to become an underground fighter] Why don't you punch this board?
[Dennis grabs a board and holds it up]
Charlie: Okay. Hold it steady for me. Watch your eyes.
[Charlie punches the board and groans in pain]
Mac: That looks like it stings.
Charlie: Oh my god! What is that made out of?
Dennis: It's a board so it's, you know, made out of wood.
Mac: It's like particle board.
Charlie: It's like harder than wood, dude.
Mac: It's actually softer than wood.

Mac: Jesus Christ, Frank. Are you cutting your toenails with a steak knife?
Charlie: I suppose you have a problem with that, too?
Frank: Ah! Oh! Oh! Botched toe! I botched that one. Oh, that's a botch job. That's bleeding. I need some trash to plug up the cut.

Dee: You're like a couple of locusts.
Mac: Oh, I take that as a compliment.
Dee: It's not a compliment.
Mac: Well it's biblical, so it's a compliment.

Mac: Show me... cow!
Grant: Nope, that's me. I say that word. I say the "show me" part. You just give me the answer. Okay, Ronald?
Mac: Right, I'm sorry. Show me c...
Grant: Don't say "show me." Don't say it. Just say the answer.
Mac: Show... show me... is the part I say?
Grant: Here's the one thing... there's only one thing in the whole world at this moment you shouldn't say: "show me." So just give me the answer, and then I'll say sh... You know what, go ahead and do it. Just go ahead and do it, then.
Mac: Do what?
Grant: Mother of... Show me cow!

Mac: Hi, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub. I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail, Caribbean Paradise. Some people say it's better than busting a nut.
Customer: Excuse me?
Mac: Busting a nut. It's like, uh, you know, blowing your load.
Dennis: Oh...
Mac: He said it was a funny joke.
Dennis: Well, no... hold on.
Mac: Yeah, it's like coming all over you. It's light, it's playful.
Dennis: Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.
Mac: Sorry, we jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
Dennis: No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.
Mac: Well, where do I jizz?
Dennis: You don't jizz.
Mac: How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz?
Dennis: No, ma'am, I think what...
Mac: Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.
Dennis: Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
Dee: Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.
Dennis: Holy shit, you're late.

Mac: [after being threatened by the mob] To be honest fellas we're about six beers deep here so you're gonna have to be a little clearer.

Dennis: What the hell is going on?
Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn't like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.
Dee: [wanders over] What is happening?
Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because...
Mac: Okay, you know what, Charlie? You gotta stop, honestly.

Charlie: This company is being bled like a stuffed pig Mac, and I got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out, take a look at this.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie.
Charlie: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? Pepe Silvia, this name keeps comin' up over and over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail's getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia, I look in the mail, this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself I gotta find this guy. I gotta go up to his office, I gotta put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise he's never gonna get it, it's gonna keep coming back down here. So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac, what do I find out? There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decided, ohh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper. There's no Pepe Silvia, you gotta be kidding me, I got boxes full of Pepe! All right, so I start marching my way down to Carol in H.R. and I knock on her door and I say, "Caaarol, Caaarol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe!" And when I open the door, what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office. There is no Carol in H.R. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Mac: Okay Charlie, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude. We are gonna lose our jobs.
Charlie: Well calm down, 'cause here's one thing that's not gonna happen.
Mac: What?
Charlie: We're not gonna get fired.
Mac: We're not?
Charlie: 'Cause we've already been fired.
Mac: We've lost our jobs?
Charlie: Yeah. About three days ago, a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you, one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Mac: Charlie, if we've lost our jobs that means we've lost our health insurance. Which means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit dude, I am having a panic attack. I'm actually having a panic attack.
Charlie: Will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
Mac: I am, bro.
Charlie: All right, well fine. You know what, Barney, give this guy a cigarette. He's freakin' out.
Mac: Huh? Who?
Charlie: Barney. He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Mac: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
Charlie: You don't see Ba- oh, shit. Where the hell did he...?
Mac: You've lost your mind. You've lost your goddamn mind, Charlie!

Mac: I have an idea.
Frank: [turns in fear] Where did you come from?
Mac: Frank, I've been walking next to you this entire time.

Frank: I brought a nail gun.
Dennis: Is that what that is? You're not gonna shoot nails in me!
Mac: No, I think a couple of severe burns from the cigar is what's gonna do the trick.
Frank: No, no, no, you need deep wounds. This'll give you deep wounds.

Dennis: Guys, we're forsaking the group dynamic, okay? And truthfully, Charlie, come on. I mean, nobody wants a wild card, okay? It doesn't make any sense. We don't want a maniac in our group. There's no benefit to it.
Charlie: Mm-hmm.
Dennis: Uh, I feel like you just agreed with me but you weren't listening to what I was saying.
Charlie: Yes...
[points to Mac and Dennis]
Mac: You pointed at me like I said something but I didn't.
Charlie: Oh, good.
Mac: Charlie, having someone making wild decisions that make no sense, that benefits nobody.
Charlie: Oh, yes. Right, yes.
Dennis: Is he listen...?
Mac: He's listening. He's not understanding.
Charlie: Yeah, he doesn't even, like, get us, man. It's...
Dennis: We're talking about you!

Philadelphia: So Mr. Reynolds, you're interested in buying our arena football team.
Frank: Big time! But I wanna do business with Mr. Von Joni himself.
Philadelphia: Bon Jovi.
Frank: Yeah, Mr. Bovine Joni himself. I'm offering $40 million for the team.
Philadelphia: Wow, well that is a very generous offer but, uh, I must admit I'm a little confused about one thing.
Frank: What's confusing about $40 million? That's a shitload of money.
Philadelphia: It is, it is. I'm a little confused as to why you've chosen to involve this gentleman here.
Mac: [in a wheelchair wearing a bald cap] Well, if I may, I'd like to explain to you why I'm here. Uh, ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer and I would like to request a private bedside concert from Mr. Bon Jovi. Now Sambora's presence is not necessary but it would be nice if he was involved. Question, is this a laser pointer?
Philadelphia: Yes.
Mac: Can I have it?
Philadelphia: No.
Mac: I'm gonna take it anyway.

Dee: [on Facebook] Goddammit, why won't this guy be our friend?
Mac: It's like an online shush.

Mac: The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless, and you people are counting on the police?

Wayne: [shouting while in a wheelchair] Hey guys!
Mac: [pretending to be handicapped with Dennis] Shit, what do we do?
Dennis: Uh, okay. Just play it cool, man.
Mac: Play it cool.
Dennis: [to Wayne] Hey.
Wayne: Hey. How's it going?
Mac: [blurting out] I have polio.
Wayne: Oh. Uh, okay.
Dennis: [slowly] And I have polio...
Mac: [blurting out again, interrupting him] He has polio, too.
Wayne: All right, um...
[Mac and Dennis slowly back away]

Frank: I went on a manhunt once. I just got back from Nam. I was hitchhiking through Oregon. Next thing I know there's a bunch of cops chasing after me through the woods! I had to take them all out, it was a bloodbath!
Mac: Dude that's Rambo.
Dennis: And that's not the first time you've compared yourself to Jon Rambo by the way.
Mac: You know what? This is making me think I could get on board with a manhunt.
Frank: NO! YOU DO NOT GO ON A MANHUNT!
Dennis: [Mac and Dennis start laughing hysterically] Screw you.

Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
[all look over at Dennis]
Dennis: [gayly] ... boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

Mac: I've changed my mind, I'm playing the Nightman!
Dennis: Why would you wanna play the Nightman?
Mac: The Nightman's badass, dude. He has the eyes of a cat and does karate across the stage.
Charlie: Where are you getting that from? Karate?
Mac: I made that up, man. It's gonna be great.
Dennis: This is great. That frees up the Lead Boy role and the Dayman role. I can play both those.
Charlie: No, I don't want you guys switching roles. That's not how it works.
Mac: Hey Frank, you got a guy that does cat eyes?
Frank: [on phone] I'm already on it.

Dennis: Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Um, how 'bout your favorite food? What would that be?
Charlie: Oh, milk steak.
Dennis: Hm, what?
Charlie: Milk steak.
Dennis: I'm not putting milk steak!
Mac: Just put steak. Just put regular steak.
Dennis: I'm gonna put steak.
Charlie: Don't put steak, put milk steak. She'll know what it is.
Dennis: No, she won't know what it is, Charlie. Nobody knows what that is. Okay, all right. What's your favorite hobby?
Charlie: Uh, magnets.
Dennis: Okay, wha- like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie: Just magnets.
Dennis: I'm gonna put snowboarding. We'll put snowboarding. All right, what are some of your likes?
Charlie: Uh, ghouls.
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about now?
Charlie: You know, funny little green ghouls.
Dennis: What, like in movies? In cartoons?
Charlie: Little green ghouls, buddy!
Mac: Don't write ghouls!
Dennis: I'm not, I'm putting travel! Jesus Christ! What are your dislikes?
Charlie: People's knees.
Dennis: Oh, come on! Dude, come on! We'll make the whole thing up, let's get outta here. We're not even gonna use you.
Mac: Bro, you've gotta be kidding. You know what? We'll just make it all up.
Charlie: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere...

Charlie: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Dennis: What guy?
Charlie: That lawyer guy, okay? He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction from him.
Mac: You want him to bang you?
Charlie: Uh. No, Mac. Be serious, okay? He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers, all right? Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened.
[shows the gang a history book]
Charlie: Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Dennis: Now, how do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie: [slams book] 'Cause it's an old book, okay? I don't have to explain everything to you about what I know! I'm trying to... get satisfied... from this dude... and you're trying to... I'm getting satisfied. I don't care.

Preston: Alright Mac from South Philly, you're on with Preston and Steve!
Dee: Holy shit, he got on.
Mac: Holy shit, I got on!
Preston: Please don't curse.

Mac: [to Dee] You're the one who first told us about Stockholm syndrome, but I feel like if you just snap out of it, there's a chance that we can survive this if we just stick together!
Ryan: Hey, time's up!
Liam: Looks like Mac and Dennis take it.
Mac: [fist bumps Liam] Nice! Blast away, boys!
[covers face]

Dennis: And by the way, the tattoo, the -- can we talk about that? The shamrock tattoo?
Mac: You wanna see it?
[he unzips his pants]
Dennis: No, I don't wanna see it, goddamn it!
Charlie: NO!
Dennis: You're getting rid of all the other tattoos, and not the worst tattoo?
Charlie: You're keeping the shamrock?
Dennis: I want it gone. We want it gone!
Charlie: It's bad tattoo, Mac.
Mac: [angry] So you thought you'd just unravel my entire identity?
Dennis: We didn't unravel anything!
Charlie: Nothing's unraveled! You're still you! You've always been you!
Mac: Fine, you know what? You take that liquid meat bodybag and you get it up the goddamn hill by yourself, 'cause I'm out!
[he stomps away down the hill]
Dennis: Is he gonna get rid of the tattoo?
Charlie: He's not gonna get rid of it.
[yells after Mac]
Charlie: Are you getting rid of the tattoo?
Dennis: Are you gonna get rid of the tattoo?
Mac: I'm gonna get another shamrock tattoo on the other leg!
Dennis: Don't you dare!
Mac: Oh, I'm gonna do it!
Dennis: Don't you dare get another shamrock tattoo, you son of a bitch!

Frank: You better not lose your hair 'cause you're an ugly bald man.
Mac: Not as ugly as you, bitch!

Dennis: The t-shirts are working.
Mac: Isn't that amazing? You ask to see a woman's breasts on the street, you get slapped. You give her a free t-shirt and videotape it and the clothes come right off.
Dennis: I love this country.

Charlie: [at gunpoint] Okay, don't shoot, okay? Just take whatever you want.
Mac: Yeah, take the cash register!
Dennis: Take the girl!
Dee: What do you mean take the girl?
Dennis: Don't argue with him, just go!
Charlie: He's right. You better just go with them!
Dee: But they're not trying to take me anywhere!
Mac: Don't try to be a hero, Dee, just do what they say!
Dee: They're not saying anything!
Charlie: Well, what's the sense? If you keep arguing with them then we're all gonna die!

Mac: [referring to band] You're not in it.
Dennis: Why am I not in it? I have a great voice.
Mac: You do have a great voice. You know what man, you have an excellent voice. The problem is that you're like into all of that early eighties glam rock fem shit and that's not the artistic direction that I want to take the band in.
Dennis: Artistic direction? You guys don't even play instruments.
Mac: Well that doesn't matter, does it? Because it's all about rocking and looking good and kicking ass.
Frank: Yeah, he's right. It's all about image and marketing. I mean, there are no band out there with any musical ability.
Mac: Frank, I like the way you think. You're in the band!

Dennis: I was hearing a lot of laughs out there, bro.
Mac: Laughs are cheap. I'm going for gasps.

Mac: [wearing goggles] Now I can determine a subject's threat level without him being able to feel my retinal assessment.
Charlie: Which is a great advantage because the guy can't see how scared Mac is.
Mac: Yes, and- No, that's not what it's about.
Charlie: Oh, I thought you were scared every time...
Mac: That's classified!

Mac: God?
God: Hello, Mac! Those were some pretty sweet moves.

Mac: Will you be providing the weapons?
Neighborhood: No.
Mac: No... Oh, I get it. Okay, we go buy the weapons, we tell you how much we spent, you reimburse us. Great.
Neighborhood: Doesn't work like that.
Dee: You gotta give him a receipt.
Mac: Oh, I would make a copy of the receipt.
Dee: No, no, no, you give them the original.
Mac: I would give them the original and I would keep the copy? That seems stupid.
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry that that's how reimbursement works.
Mac: What if something happens to the weapons, then I'm shit outta luck?
Dee: Oh, well then you just ask them for the original back. I'm sure they got a system in place.
Mac: Why would they keep the original, I'm the one that bought the gun!
Dee: Oh, it's a gun now!
Mac: It's always been a gun, Dee!

Curator: [after being shown the Nazi officers jacket] I find this offensive for so many reasons. I'm guessing you acquired this through illegal means. For me to take this from you would be an extension of that. And secondly, that you would expect it would "make my day" assumes that I'm interested in profiting off the murder of millions of innocent people!
[Mac glances at Charlie; Charlie nods]
Mac: How much will you give us for it?
Curator: Nothing.
Charlie: Nothing, orrr...?
Curator: I plan to call the police the minute you guys leave my office.

Mac: He always puts some like awesome twist at the end of his movies to trick the audience.
Charlie: Aw yeah, yeah, like in The Sixth Sense you find out that the dude in that hair piece the whole time, that's Bruce Willis the whole movie.

Charlie: Let's flip a coin, the loser leaves.
Mac: Okay.
Charlie: Get a coin.
Mac: I don't have a coin! Gimme a coin. You have a coin?
Charlie: Of course I don't have a coin.
Mac: Alright, let's flip something else.
Charlie: Alright, uh...
Mac: Something in the hallway... a feather?
Charlie: Look, that piece of wood.
Mac: That's not gonna work.
Charlie: What about something off the chair?
Mac: Yeah, maybe we'll just break something off this chair.
[Mac starts kicking the wheel off Charlie's wheelchair]
Charlie: Don't break it too much. It's a rental, dude.

Mac: What do we need a mattress for?
Dennis: What do you mean what do we need a mattress for? Why in the hell do you think we just spent all that money on a boat? The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy topside so we can take 'em to a nice comfortable place below deck and, you know, they can't refuse, because of the implication.
Mac: Oh, uh... okay. You had me going there for the first part. The second half kinda threw me.
Dennis: Well, dude, dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere with some dude she barely knows. You know, she looks around and what does she see? Nothin' but open ocean. "Ahh, there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?"
Mac: Okay. That... that seems really dark.
Dennis: Nah, no, it's not dark. You're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I'm-I think I am.
Dennis: Yeah, you are, because if the girl said no then the answer obviously is no...
Mac: No. Right.
Dennis: But the thing is she's not gonna say no; she would never say no because of the implication.
Mac: ...Now, you've said that word "implication" a couple of times. Wha-what implication?
Dennis: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her, but she's thinkin' that they will.
Mac: But it sounds like she doesn't wanna have sex with you...
Dennis: Why aren't you understanding this? She-she doesn't know if she wants to have sex with me! That's not the issue...
Mac: Are you gonna hurt women?
Dennis: I'm not gonna hurt these women! Why would I ever hurt these women? I feel like you're not getting this at all!
Mac: I'm not getting it.
Dennis: Goddamn.
[notices old woman staring at them]
Dennis: Well, don't you look at me like that. You certainly wouldn't be in any danger.
Mac: So they are in danger!
Dennis: No one's in any danger!

Dennis: [after shooting Charlie] I'll call an ambulance.
Mac: Bro, the hospital's like three blocks away, we should just drive him!
Dennis: I know that but I don't wanna get blood stains all over the interior of my car!

Dennis: [Dennis walks out with a turtleneck and a clipboard as Mac arrives for a blind date] Who are you here to see?
Mac: My friend Sandy.
Dennis: Oh, Sandy. Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blond girl?
Mac: I have no idea.
Dennis: Uh, Sandy, why don't you come out here, please?
Dee: [walks out] Oh, hello, Mac.
Dennis: Not so young and attractive, is she?

Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Dee: Is he jo...? Is that...? Are you... joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.

Dennis: See? This is what it was like to have a bar in New Orleans, bro!
Mac: Oh, man, New Orleans really had their shit figured out!
Dennis: They totally had their shit figured out! Yeah, except for the levees.
Mac: Right, yeah, except for the levees.

Mac: But who versus? Who are we doing it versus?

Dennis: Look, we need to start the healing process. Okay? I'm devastated over here. We need to throw a big-ass party. Because I need to be amongst friends. Let's call the crew. Let's round up the boys!
Charlie: Round the crew up!
Dennis: And let's have a kick-ass party!
Charlie: We got the diary! And the crew!
Dennis: [singing] The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town.
Mac: [checking cell phone] I have two numbers in my phone. Charlie and Dennis.

Mac: Being handicapped sucks, dude.
Dennis: Oh yeah, man. It's too much work, there's like nothing to show for it.
Mac: Yeah, there's like no advantages!

Dennis: You know what I just realized? I don't care about anything she's saying, but what I do care about is the fact that Charlie might go postal when he finds out about this and kill all of us.
Mac: Right. Shit, we're probably the one's at real risk here, huh?

Dennis: Look, okay. Absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the little kids up in their little rooms upstairs so they wouldn't hear any of it.
Mac: Dennis, in that scenario, we'd have to kill the kids 'cause they've would've seen our faces.
Dennis: Right, we could smear the walls with their blood. Guys, there are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But I think the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
Charlie: Right. Why get weird?

Mac: Okay, Dee, this is truly pathetic, and you are really bringing us down, so we're gonna help you out.
Frank: We realize we may be in some ways responsible for the state you're in.
Mac: Mm, let's not...

Charlie: [refering to a George Washington painting] Now why would you hang a painting like this on your wall?
Mac: Well, it's the Historical Society bro, they have to hang it up.
Charlie: What, we gotta suffer just 'cause some old dude who looks like Meryl Streep chopped down a cherry tree like ten million years ago? It's just, he looks terrible!
Mac: You know what? Let's take it down. It's just gonna distract us through the meeting.
Charlie: Yeah, let's get it down man. It's not gonna, it's not gonna work.
Dennis: Let's take it down. I'm gonna tear it down.
[pulls painting]
Dennis: Unbelievable. It's bolted to the wall.
Charlie: Well that proves our point man, we're not the first people to try to take that thing down.
Dennis: Yeah, well we're gonna be the first ones to actually succeed. Come on, let's tear it down, Charlie.
Charlie: Let's just rip it off the wall.
Dennis: Rip it right off the wall...
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys, guys. I got a pocket knife. Just cut it out of the frame.

Mac: [while dancing] Shouldn't have gotten knocked out of the competition ya old bitch!

Mac: Is there anything that you want to tell the world, Irvene?
Irvene: My grandson's birthday's on Friday.
Mac: No, no, is there anything about this place that you don't like?
Irvene: ...The blacks.
Mac: Cut!

Dennis: All right, listen, this is Family Fight. This is a nationally televised program. This is a very big deal for us, okay? We're talking... What are you doing? Are you stealing an ashtray right now?
Mac: Yeah.
Dennis: Why? We have ashtrays, and you don't even smoke.

Mac: I say we hit the sorority houses, start passing out some flyers...
Dennis: We need to go the library. At sorority houses you're going to find nothing but tramps and whores.
Mac: Perfect.
Dennis: You're not listening. We don't want wild girls. We want good girls gone wild. It's important to see the transition, watch the process...

Dee: Did you write a love letter to Chase Utley?
Mac: In a lot of ways, yes, I do love him, but that is not a love letter in the way that you're thinking of! Okay? There's nothing sexual or...
Dee: Okay, sounds good. I'm going to read it.
Mac: Yeah! Read it!
Dee: "Dear Chase..." Oh, shit! There's stickers! My God...
Mac: Yeah, you gotta jazz it up.
Dee: You sure do.

Dennis: How much cheese have you eaten today?
Charlie: How much cheese is too much cheese?
Dennis: Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!
Charlie: I had a lot of cheese, I had a block of cheese.
Mac: You had a block of cheese?
Charlie: I got really, really nervous I just started eating cheese.
Mac: [annoyed and confused] Does that calm you down?

Charlie: Will you just help me out, man? This is Johnson's mail, okay? Now Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids down in Orlando so I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere that's all Johnson's mail.
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. This guy's in Orlando for the week?
Charlie: Yeah man, help me out here.
Mac: Hold on a second, bro. This is the perfect opportunity. I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
Charlie: Uhh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Mac: Uhh, have you seen the Secret of My Success?
Charlie: Uhh, they're gonna catch on to you.
Mac: Uhhh, yeah but before they do I'm gonna come up with an idea that will save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me.
Charlie: Uhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?
Mac: Uhhh, I can't remember it. Ooh, yeah, he bangs that old lady and then they play that song from the '80s, uh, Day Bow Bow.

Dennis: Everyone gather 'round. I have an announcement to make.
Frank: Dennis has an announcement?
[to Mac]
Frank: Go, now's your chance. Rant and rave.
Mac: [shouting] Gather 'round, everybody! Gather 'round, please!
Dee: We're all standing here.
Frank: Is this everybody?
Mac: Is this everybody?
Dee: You know it's everybody. What are you doing?
Mac: Dennis has an announcement.
Dee: Yeah, I-I-I heard that. I'm wondering what it is.
Mac: It's an announcement!
Charlie: What's up, Dennis?
Dennis: I have an announcement.
Dee: OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS IT?

Frank: Intervention. Intervention. You banged my dead wife?
Mac: Well, she was alive at the time. But... Did you not know that?
Frank: No.
Charlie: It's cool, man. It's cool. Intervention. Intervention, okay? Look, he's got a weird, um, fetish for older women, so don't hold it against him.
Mac: I don't have an older-woman fetish.
Charlie: Yeah, you do.
Mac: I don't wanna bang this chick.
[points to Tabitha]

Dennis: [walking towards front door] All right, well, just let me do the talking.
Charlie: Well, I feel like you gotta, at least, talk with a Southen accent, man.
[rings doorbell]
Dennis: No, I'm not gonna talk in a Southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid disguise.
Charlie: But we're oil men. We would have Southern accents.
Dennis: Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats.
Charlie: Yes, we do. She's going to think - uh...
[woman opens door]
Dennis: Hello, ma'am. Oh, what a lovely housedress.
Charlie: [heavy Southern accent] Yeah, well, you're looking all sorts of good.
Dennis: Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy, young lady, so we're not gonna waste your time today.
Charlie: Nah. We're just a couple oil men in from Dallas, and, well, we're itching like a hound to give you a-something you want.
Dennis: [awkward pause] What my
[clears throat]
Dennis: associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much-needed service
[interrupted by Charlie]
Charlie: Hells, yeah! We want to fill you up, if'n you are so inclined as to let us.
Dennis: [whispers to Charlie] Please let me do the talking. Please let me
[interrupted by Charlie]
Charlie: Now, we ain't gonna take 'no' for an answer now, you hear? Okay? So don't be making me sic my associate on you here, alright?
[gestures towards Mac in van]
Charlie: He don't take kindly to 'no'. So, can I fill you up, or what?
[awkward pause, cut to Charlie and Dennis entering van]
Charlie: Yep, you best get to stepping, 'cause Johnny Law's a-coming.
Dennis: Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.
Mac: [gestures to Charlie] Why is he talking like that?
Dennis: Well, 'wildcard' over here decided to lose his mind.
Charlie: I say, I say, that's just damn preposterous, boy.
Dennis: Well, now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!

Mac: You know what, man? I'm kicking it up a notch.We're haunting these bitches.
Charlie: Haunting is cool, man.
Mac: Boom! Coming back from the grave, bitch.
Charlie: Alright, that's cool. That's cool. What is this? What're you doing, like Poltergeist or something?
Mac: Awesome, right? Craig T. Nelson!
Charlie: No, no. Craig T. Nelson is the best, dude, but Poltergeist?
Mac: Yeah, what?
Charlie: It's not scary. It's all about psychological damage. Big deal, look it me. Psychological damage up to here. It doesn't do anything for me, you know? Physical damage, that's what's gonna irritate people.
Mac: Yeah, alright, what do you suggest?
Charlie: Well, I mean, with anything maybe we tie some knives to our fingers and we get a little more serious about this whole murder thing.
Mac: Yeah, haunting.
Charlie: Haunting, right.
Mac: We're gonna haunt them.
Charlie: I'm sorry, I was thinking...

Dee: Did you bring the condoms?
Mac: Ooooh. Not a fan of the whole condom thing.

Charlie: Someone should've worn a shirt, right?
Mac: Probably the kid.

Dennis: Tire her out with your spastic movements.
Mac: I'll tire her out with my awesome movements.

Dennis: Hey, Frank, why do you have a truck full of water filters? All right, you know what, I don't give a shit. Let's get down to that rally, man.
Frank: Rally?
Dennis: Yeah.
Dee: Yes, the freedom rally, the one you organized.
Frank: Ooh, shit, I'm not gonna go down there. There's gonna be a buncha nuts with guns. Too dangerous.
Charlie: Wait, hold on a second, what's goin' on? I thought you were into guns, you know? Why have you been on TV talkin' about all that shit?
Frank: I bought a stake in Gunther's Guns. I got everybody angry and scared, they bought the guns, I made a fortune.
[he shrugs]
Dennis: Oh, my God, this is crazy. So you don't give a shit about the gun issue at all?
Frank: Ehhhh...
Dennis: I mean, what the hell? You're like the NRA.
Frank: Yeah, little bit like the NRA, little tiny bit. But I-I think of myself more like Al Gore, you know? He got everybody all worked up over global warming, then he made millions.
Mac: Huh?
Frank: Yeah, everybody does it. Liberals, conservatives, doesn't matter. This is America. You're either a duper, or a dupee. I'm a duper. You guys are the dupees.
[he smiles]

Charlie: [about Mac's phallic clay design] Love?
Mac: Yeah because I was making Cupid's arrow, dude.
Charlie: Why does it have a big vein running through it?
Mac: Because that's the streak as it flies through the air.

Mac: Who cares what Frank prefers? We're buying this food with his stolen credit card.
Waiter: And I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
[awkward pause]

Charlie: [to the priest] What the shit man?
Charlie's: [whispers] Charlie!
Charlie: My mother is dying of cancer and you need money to fix a statue?
[Priest places hand on Charlie's mother to comfort her]
Charlie: No, no, no, no. Don't give me this act.
Mac: Charlie, calm down.
Charlie: No, no. Why don't you give us some money? How much is that ring worth? That looks like an expensive ring. Can we have the ring?
Mac: Okay. All right. I'm sorry, Father.
Charlie: This is bullshit!
Mac: I will pray for his sins. I'm sorry.
Dennis: Hey Charlie, Charlie.
Mac: [to Charlie] What are you doing.
Dennis: It's okay. I got this. I got this.
Charlie: What am I doing? What is HE doing?
Dennis: Listen. Don't get all riled up about this scam or that scam, you know. It's all a big scam, okay?
Charlie: Yeah.
Dennis: But I will say this - the church's scam? It's a pretty good one. It's effective. Look at all the money these people are giving to the church. So I say we use that model to raise money for your mom at Paddy's. Guys. Let's throw a beef and beer.

Charlie: Whoa dude, what are you doing? That's my good chair!
Mac: Charlie, it's covered in bird shit.
Charlie: No... it's toothpaste.
Mac: It's clearly bird shit.
Charlie: No, it's not. It's toothpaste.
Mac: Do you even own a toothbrush?

Charlie: Alright, well the problem was that I got the flashlight on and I taped the whole deal up and I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in and I didn't have much more duct tape so I figured stick with the flashlight while we got it.
Mac: So you never put a tape in?
Frank: While we were out there taping the guys with the fish!
Mac: In the nursing home! Outside!
Charlie: Oh my god! See what's happening here is we're getting a yelling and!
Mac: Yeah we're gonna get yelling!
Charlie: Oh I'm sorry! OH I FORGOT TO PUT A TAPE IN! I FORGOT TO PUT A TAPE IN!

Dennis: Oh, it's a new review by Korman!
Dee: [clears throat] "I woke up in my neighbor's bed with a head wound, yesterday's paper, and an empty bottle of sleeping pills and my nightmare in that putrid shithole of a bar Paddy's Pub finally, mercifully came to an end. The owners all deserve to rot in jail, though having to spend every day with each other in that vile establishment is a decidedly greater punishment. That is why I decided not to press charges, leaving them to live in the hell on earth they've created for themselves for the rest of their pathetic and miserable lives."
Mac: Ouch.
Dennis: Yeah, really raked us over the coals there, didn't he?
Mac: Not a good review.
Dennis: It's not a good review.
Charlie: He went right for the throat.
Dennis: He sure did. Hey listen, at least he didn't mention our names.
Mac: Yeah, and no pressing charges which is great.
Charlie: Yeah, right, no charges, no names.
Dennis: No charges, no names, that's good.
Dee: ...I don't know why but I'm a little irritated that he didn't mention my name. I work here!
Charlie: You feel like he would mention our name, right?
Dennis: I'm incredibly annoyed that he didn't mention my name.
Mac: I wish I could live with this but I can't...
Charlie: It's a story about us!
Mac: I feel like we gotta go talk to him again.

Frank: You don't look like a gay guy.
Dennis: That's because he's a bear.
Mac: What?
Dennis: He's a bear. You see, some gay guys are twinks and other are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way, we are totally cool with that. To each his own.
Frank: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
Dennis: A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Mac: Oh, no, I'm too muscular. I would be a bear.
Dennis: Uh, don't think so, bro. Not hairy enough.
Frank: Smooth. Now, I would be a bear.
Dennis: No, no. See, I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you'd be. You're definitely not a twink.
Frank: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac: Can a twink be a top or is that reserved for bears?
Dennis: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth but I think more often then not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms.
Frank: What's a power bottom?
Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Dennis: Actually Mac, you've got it backwards. You see, the power bottom is actually generating the power by doing most of the work.
Frank: Does power have to do with size or strength of the bottom?
Mac: Now Dennis, I heard speed has something to do with it.
Dennis: Speed has *everything* to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game.

Mac: [sees Frank and company grilling outside] What the hell is going on out here?
Frank: We're makin' brownies...
Matthew: The drug-filled kind.

Frank: [Charlie and Dee are discussing where to get some human meat from Frank] That wasn't human meat! It was raccoon meat. You probably got a tapeworm, that stuff is loaded with parasites!
Charlie: [Charlie starts laughing hysterically] Raccoon meat! BULLSHIT!
Dee: Oh yes Frank, we're gonna go get some of that human meat of yours!
Charlie: [brandishing a butcher knife] I'M GONNA CHOP A PIECE OF THAT FAT LITTLE CALF MUSCLE OF YOURS AND I'M GONNA EAT IT! GET HIM!
[Charlie and Dee chase after Frank]
Mac: And the hunt is on once again.
Dennis: Oh those two are gonna have so much fun.
[Dennis goes and locks the door]
Mac: Yes indeed. But the question still remains with what to do with Mr. Cricket.
Dennis: Yup Mac, it's just us now. Just you and me, and a couple of pairs of sour, sweaty balls.

Mac: I have an idea.
Frank: [turns in fear] Where did you come from?
Mac: Frank, I've been walking next to you this entire time.

Mac: This office sucks.
Dee: It smells bad and it's stuffy in here.
Dennis: Yeah, it's the Restaurant and Bar Association; it's a stuffy organization. They're not in touch with the young people like us.
Dee: Some old boner gives me attitude, I'm gonna spit in his face.
Dennis: If he starts giving me shit, I'll spit at him.
Mac: We should all spit.
Frank: Look, we're not spitting, all right?

Charlie: [singing with his band] Night Man, sneaky and mean / Spider inside my dreams / I think I love you / You make me want to cry / You make me want to die / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you Night Man / Every night you come into my room and pin me down / With your strong arms you pin me down / And I try to fight you / You come inside me / And fill me up and I become the...
Mac: [cuts him off] Whoa whoa, Charlie. Okay the first part of that song was kinda cool but what's up with the second part?
Charlie: Well it's about the Night Man and how he comes inside me and I like become him, you know I become the spirit of the Night Man
Mac: Yeah? Cause it sounds like a song where a guy breaks into your house and rapes you!
Charlie: What? No. Where are you getting that from? Here' let me play the rest
[starts singing again]
Charlie: It's just two men sharing the night/ It might seem wrong but it's just right/ It's just two men sharing each other/ It's just two men like loving brothers/ One on top and one on bottom/ One is inside and one is out/ One is screaming he's so happy/ The other's screaming a passionate shout/ It's the Night Man/ The feeling so wrong and right man/ The feeling so wrong and... / I can't fight you Night Man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the niiiiiiight/ The passionate, passionate Night Man!

Frank: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's a baby we found in the trash.
Frank: Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you.

Wayne: What's up guys?
Mac: I have polio.
Wayne: Oh. Ok...
Dennis: I have polio too.
Wayne: Alright...
[Mac and Dennis roll away]

Mac: What in the hell is a MySpace page?
Dee: It's like that friends forum.
Dennis: Dude, these things are actually pretty awesome. You create a profile, and then you put your picture on there, and then other people send you pictures of themselves and they want to be your friend.
Mac: Wow, so that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.
Dennis: How are we losers, dude?
Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: computers are for losers.
Dennis: And you're drinking a beer at 8 o'clock in the morning.
Mac: Whatever, dude, irrelevant.

Mac: I've never spray painted a chair before, okay? Why are you covering your mouth?
Frank: Because that lead paint is *extremely* toxic.
Mac: What! Is that why I'm feeling so dizzy?

Mac: We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies. With their 10-gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts.

Dennis: [the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night!
Mac: [nervously] No, I didn't!
Dennis: Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night.
Mac: Yes, I did!
Dee: Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.
Mac: No, they aren't. They're different clothes.
Dennis: Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck?
Mac: Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions.
[runs into the bathroom]
Dee: Well, that was weird.
Charlie: I wonder what got into him.
Frank: Serial killin'!

[repeated lines, said in no specific order]
Mac: Boom.
Dennis: Boom.
Dee: Boom.

Sal: Explain to me why my wife is calling me telling me that one of Pussy Hands' friends tried to force himself on her.
Mac,7309: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Anthony: This guy?
Mac: Oh! Oh! That's crazy!
Anthony: Enough with the "oh"s!

[in overly patriotic denim garb]
Mac: Good call on these outfits, dude.
Charlie: It's the only call.

Guitar: You got a graphite reinforced neck, 35 inch scale, two humbuckers...
Mac: Yeah guy, move over six inches.
Guitar: Oh, yeah. Um, so it's a...
Mac: [sees self in mirror] That's it. Shut up.

Charlie: Oh, this is such bullshit. So you guys have two dads and I don't even have one!
Mac: Yeah, that is bullshit, we don't even have one.
Charlie: What are you talking about? You have a father!
Mac: Yeah, but he's in prison, Charlie, and he's been there my whole life. It doesn't count.

Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls stealing my money. This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it. That is why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Dee: How come Charlie...? Not fair... How come Charlie...?
Dennis: Why would you do this to us, Dad?
Frank: Because you are crackheads, children.

Frank: We're sittin' around here practicing like a bunch of pansies. We should be out gettin' wasted and breaking shit.
Mac: Frank's absolutely right. How can we be rock stars if we're not living like rock stars?

Mac: Let's go toe to toe on the bible, bitch.
Charlie: Ask and ye shall receive, sucka.

Frank: We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids! "Do not diddle kids, it's no good diddling kids."
Mac: There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids than by writing a song about it!

[Frank and Mac are walking down the street; Frank is cackling drunkenly and spraying beer out of his mouth]
Mac: [tapping him on the shoulder] All right, Frank, here's another idea.
Frank: [surprised] Oh-ho-oh! Where'd you come from?
Mac: I've been walking next to you the entire time.
Frank: [opening another beer] Sorry, I'm-I'm a little, uh, lit. And, uh, I been goin' over this thing, I'm tryin' to figure out how...
Mac: [overlapping] How to bang Donna. I know, you've been talkin' about it for the last five miles. You know what, dude, it doesn't matter, I got a better idea. I think you should bang Gail the Snail.
[Frank gulps down his beer]
Frank: My niece?
Mac: Yeah!
Frank: Gail the Snail?
Mac: Yeah, dude, what's more depraved than that, huh? Plus you're not blood-related, so it's not that weird.
Frank: [belches in Mac's face] That is a good idea. I like the way you're thinkin'.
Mac: [annoyed] Yeah.
[Frank hawks several times; Mac grimaces and waves his hand in front of his face]
Frank: What's in it for you?
Mac: Huh?
[Frank hawks again]
Mac: Uugghh, Jesus...
Frank: What's in it for you?
Mac: Don't worry about what's in it for me, dude.
[Frank hawks again]
Mac: Oh, my God, you are disgusting! A disgusting animal!
[he walks away; Frank hawks one more time as beer foam bubbles out of his mouth and down his chest]

Dennis: [digging through trunk] Oh, they're all gonna pay. They're all gonna pay the ultimate price!
Charlie: Whoa!
Mac: Dude, what's all that stuff you're grabbing?
Dennis: Tools! Tools! Duct tape, zip ties and gloves! I have to have my tools!
Charlie: Wh-why do you have a bunch of, like, weird tools in a hidden compartment in your car?
Dennis: It's fetish- it's fetish shit! I-I-I like to bind, I like to be bound!

Mac: I'm starting to see myself as more of a problem solver, I think that actually could be a new identity. I'm gonna put that on the list, you guys are gonna wanna hear this... So, uh, Dutch first. Dutch first, then gay, then problem solver. Now, could you repeat that back to me, 'cause I think...
Charlie: Oh dude, shut up! Oh my God! Alright, you're Irish, Mac.
Frank: Yeah. You're not Dutch.
Mac: What?
Charlie: You're Irish, right? But we knew you were gonna be so goddamn annoying about it on the trip, and that it was gonna be the only thing you talked about, so we paid your mom to tell you you were Dutch!
Frank: It cost us a couple of loosies.
Charlie: Yeah.
Dennis: Yeah, your mom does not like you, dude.
Charlie: Yeah, but I mean, Luther Vandross, Mac? Really? Luther Vandross?
Dennis: Come on, Mac.
Charlie: But somehow, it's been even worse! You're talking about your identity even more! I can't believe it!
Mac: Why would you do that?

Sal: I need you to go over to my house and... take care of my wife.
Mac: You mean like rub her out?
Sal: No!
Mac: You want me to bang her?

Mac: [in the hospital] We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis: Oh, oh, the gun... yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you
Charlie: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah... mm... Dee, could you get me a nurse?
Dee: Yeah, sure.
[exits]
Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis: [pulls gun out of his pants] Never.

Mac: Frank, put the gun away.
Frank: Oh, no! I'm goin' out, I'm goin' guns blazin'.

Mac: Frank, you are gonna get us into that country club you used to belong to and we're gonna sell the pills there.
Dennis: That'd be a good place to sell those pills.
Mac: Yes, thank you very much.
Frank: You can't make no $25,000 from that amount of pills. How long you got?
Mac: 'til Friday.
Frank: Mm-mmm. You're gonna have to turn a trick or two; go into prostitution.
Dee: You are disgusting! How could you suggest - I am absolutely not doing that!
Frank: I wasn't talking about you. Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.
Dennis: I would think, yeah.
Mac: Yeah.
Frank: I was saying the male escort is really hard to come by.
Charlie: I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.
Frank: Eh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.
Mac: Okay. Make it me.
Frank: Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna thing they're gonna catch somethin' from you.
Mac: They are.
Dennis: They will.
Frank: I was thinking about Dennis.
Dennis: Right. Now, Frank, will any of these women be attractive in any way?
Frank: Probably not.

Dennis: What the hell is this? A page from a coloring book?
Mac: It's a song Charlie wrote. It's called Nightman. Skip all the raping parts and get on the stage.

Mac: You're such a dildo, dude.
Dennis: Thanks dude, thanks. That's a good way to start the day.

Mac: I'm wearing a mesh shirt, and it's totally sweet. You guys probably want me to burn it, but I won't, all right? Now, I like this choice. I like the choices I've made. I like who I am, all right? But I realize I've been lying to myself over the past few years, and I'm done lying, okay? And I've found someone who's gonna allow me to be me.
Dennis: Okay, good.
Charlie: Oh, good, all right, yeah.
Dee: Great. Finally. Yes.
Dennis: Let's do this.
Charlie: That all makes sense. Let's get this over with.

Mac: [yelling outside an abortion clinic] Pro-choice is pro-death!
Megan: Wow! Great rhetoric!
Mac: Thank you.
Megan: Hey, you're really hardcore, aren't you?
Mac: Oh, well, you know. I mean, if you really want to see hardcore...
[pulls out a paper and gives it to Megan]
Megan: What's this?
Mac: That's the list of doctors I'm gonna kill.
Megan: There's two already crossed out.
Mac: Yeah, I know.

Mac: "Looking for a new hotspot to spot that stud? Well, Paddy's Irish Pub will plug that hole."
Charlie: Well, that's a good notice.
Mac: No, that is not a good notice. I don't want to be plugging anyone's holes.

[Frank's fooling around with a laser pointer during a movie]
Mac: Shine it on his dick, shine it on his dick!

Dennis: [Mac, Charlie, and Dennis standing outside of the church] Well, I'll tell you, guys. I didn't feel much in there, but I always enjoy the little wafers.
Mac: Of course you do. Because you're consuming the actual body of Christ.
Dennis: Uh-huh. Well, he was delicious.

Charlie: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.

Frank: Do we have any sharp knives?
Mac: What?
Dennis: What?
Frank: These guys are maniacs! They want to start betting fingers.
Dennis: Fingers!
Mac: What are you talking about?
Frank: If Alan loses this hand, he's gonna start chopping off his fingers. I've never seen anything like it in my life!
Mac: Okay, this has gone way too far.
Dennis: This is getting ridiculous. Dad, your friends have got to go!
Frank: Bullshit!
Mac: You are *killing* our freedom, man!
Frank: This is what freedom's all about. I'm living on the edge!

Dee: In the meantime I'll try to sabotage the wedding by luring Brad away from her.
Dennis: Yeaaah.
Mac: Dee, save yourself the embarassment.

Charlie: Remember how great high school was? All those parties, no responsibilities...
Mac: High school was the best.
Dennis: Do you guys even remember high school? I don't think it happened the way you think.
Mac: What do you mean?
Dennis: What I mean Mac, is that the only reason you got to hang out with me and the other cool kids is because you sold us all weed. Everybody thought that you were an asshole.
Mac: I was popular!
Charlie: What are you talking about? Mac was very popular. And I like to think that I was pretty popular myself.
Mac: You were!
Dennis: No, he was. You were popular like a... like a clown is popular.
Charlie: What?
Dennis: Yeah, you made us all laugh, and all the guys knew that you couldn't sleep with their girlfriends.
Mac: Whatever dude. The only reason you got laid is because you dated freshmen.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've always had that creepy thing with younger girls.
Dennis: I do not.
Charlie: You're not in high school anymore, pal. So you better keep it in your pants, because it's kind of creepy.
Dennis: You want to know what's creepy? You guys sniffing glue in your mom's basement, Charlie. That's creepy.
[Mac and Charlie become quiet]
Charlie: [after a long pause] Tim Murphy slept with your prom date.

Tan: Let me get this straight. You want to put your baby into a tanning bed?
Mac: That's correct.
Tan: I'm sorry, that's against the law.
Mac: Look, pal, we are well aware of the law, okay? We don't want to jam you up here. We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes.
Dee: Just to get a base...
Mac: Just to get a base.

Sal: [after being paid] Okay. Well, that was close.
Dennis: Yeah, it seemed close.
Mac: It got a little stressful there.
Johnny: A little tense.
Mac: "Tense" is an excellent word for what happened.

Dee: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.
Mac: Dee is a failure.

Mac: [to Grant] But either way, I was always the odd man out, you know? I mean, you know.

Mac: Charlie, are you okay?
Charlie: No, I'm not okay! I'm shot in the head!

[about the dance 'contest']
Dee: Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?
Dennis: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?
Charlie: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.
Dee: That's a 'Z', Charlie!
Frank: Didn't you read that goddamn thing?
Charlie: I gave it a once-over!
Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Dennis: [trying to persuade a bank clerk to give them a loan] You know, I just had a crazy thought. How's about I take you to the back and "change your mind"?
Charlie: Or how about we all go in the back and have great sex?
Dennis: What are you doing?
Charlie: Hm? I'm playing the wild card here, man, so...
Mac: No, dude. Just let Dennis do his thing, okay?
Charlie: I can be very sensual with a woman, all right? You will enjoy it.
Dennis: Now is not the right time to pull the wild card, okay? Let me do my thing. Let me do the seducing.
Mac: Look, let Dennis bang her so we can get our loan.
Charlie: Well, here's a scenario. What if she wanted to bang me, or you for that matter...
Dennis: You can't pull the wild card when I already have my shirt off. That should be a rule. Can that be a rule?
Mac: Yes, that's a rule.
Charlie: Well, your shirt's not off.
Dennis: [takes off shirt] Well, now it is, goddammit, bitch. Back off.
Charlie: Oh, yeah?
[takes off shirt]
Charlie: Oh, wow, now, baby!
Dennis: Come on, man! This is my job!
Mac: [takes off shirt] Now I feel like I should do it.
Dennis: What are you doing? Goddammit. Well, okay, so...
Mac: Why don't you decide? Which one of us do you want to take you in the back and bang you?

Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac: Oh, yes I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.

Mac: I'm gay. So that still means that I'm a minority.
Dennis: Yeah, but are you more gay than you are a Catholic?
Mac: I don't know. They're at war.

Frank: Look, I gotta take a walk, my head is swimming.
Mac: That's fine. Just make sure you, you know, check in 'cause I haven't heard from Charlie and it is getting late.
Frank: Yeah, right.

Fat: You want some insulin?